Steve: *to Peter* Why do you go to sleep so late?

Peter: *looking off into the distance* There's no rest for the wicked

Tony : He stays up late to watch cat videos.

Peter: Look, I made a spoon hat!

Tony: Well, that explains why I’m having to eat soup with a fork.

Vision: I'm asking for your permission to date Wanda.

Peter Maximoff: What is this? The dark ages? You know what, since you asked, no, you can't. Beat me in a duel.

Clint: HEY BRUCE my mans how are you? 

Bruce: Never better.

Clint: By the way I will literally burrow under your skin if you break Nat’s heart.

Bruce, thoroughly unnerved: Gotcha.

Bucky: *bends over to pick something up*

Steve: *trips over a chair, spilling hot coffee everywhere*

Natasha: *long sigh* Time to clear out the board. We’re back to zero.

Sam: *writes zero in number of days without accident*

Tony, talking about naming the Avengers: That's why we have such a hard time coming up with a name. Because you can't out a name on something so talented.

Thor: Right. I mean Shakespeare didn't have a name.

Fury: If you have any complaints about how I run this place, you can put them in the suggestion box.

The avengers:

Bruce: That's... a garbage can.

Fury: Exactly.

Pepper: If you keep ignoring your emotions like this, you will eventually break down.

Tony: How unfortunate.

How do you guys drink your coffee?

Mobius, reading about Loki betraying Odin: Look at this! You played him like a fiddle!

Loki: oh no, Mobius, fiddles are actually difficult to play

Loki: I played that bastard like the cheap kazoo he was.

[Tony after catching Peter drinking shampoo because he was thirsty]

Tony, frustrated : *veins popping out* There's only a certain amount of dumb you can be! Surely!

Bucky: I noticed we have slowly started to phase the ‘B’ out of our bromance

Steve, down on one knee, ring still out: I mean, yeah, I guess

Peter: Will you come to homecoming with me?

Harley: Sure I’ve never been kicked out of another school’s dance before.

Laura: Take the baby, okay?

Natasha: Hello. I'm Natasha. Please don't drool on me.

Marvel characters as things my history teacher has said, except they progressively get more concerning

Peter, to Ned while lying face down on the bed, regretting everything: And then I called him dad.

Tony, to Rodhey while trying not to cry: aND THEN HE CALLED ME DAD!

Steve: You know Buck, not every problem can be solved with a gun.

Bucky: That's why I carry two guns.

Bucky, looking up from twitter: Hey, did you hear about the rumour that we might be gay?

Steve: Might be?

Bucky: Yeah, they're doubting it! Can you believe that?