Tim, reading a recipe: “Beat three eggs”.
Tim: At what? Hand to hand combat?
Damian: It must be, Alfred banned swords in the kitchen a few weeks ago.
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Tim: At the end of the day, we are brothers.
Damian: If you take out the 'r' it becomes 'bother', which I think is much more fitting.
Dick: *smacks Jason*
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Damian, glaring at Tim: I really want to kill you.
Tim: Dick told you to not say things you don't mean.
Damian: I meant what I said.
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batboys are literally just like: *watches their older brother lie, manipulate, and keep secrets from his team* oh my god... i'd never do that... he's so much like bruce...... *goes off to lie, manipulate, and keep secrets from his own team*
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Clark (upon hearing that theirs a batwearing crime boss in Gotham): Bruce did you recently adopt a crime lord?
Bruce: .....I did not recently adopt a crime lord.
Diana: so you didn't adopt a crime lord?
Bruce: I didn't recently adopt a crime lord.
Clark: Bruce did you ever adopt a crime lord?
Clark+Diana: oh thank-
Bruce: I adopted a child that grew up to be a crime lord.
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Reasons other batkids are in Jason’s apartment
Jason: “Did you… is that… Did you eat the ENTIRE THING?”
Dick: “In my defense Alfred has been gone a week.”
Jason: “Why did you need my help with this again?”
Damian: “Grayson would insist on retaining photographic evidence, Gordon would take too long, Cain and Brown are not in the country, and Drake is an idiot.”
Jason: “You do realize Tim is like, a genius, right?”
Damian: “Tt. Debatable, seeing how Drake failed to complete high school.”
Jason: “Right… You know when you said you needed help I thought you meant with hiding a body or something, not…” *gestures vaguely to Damian’s unfinished science diorama*
Steph: “Ugh. Why is this so hard? It’s not like this is even the first gala I’ve been dragged to.”
Jason: “Why do I need to pick?”
Steph: “Apprently I need to ‘expand my color palette’ or something.”
Jason: “Doesn’t really explain why me.”
Steph: *sighs* “Have you SEEN what Dick and Tim consider acceptable clothing choices?”
Steph: “Damian is an obvious no seeing as I’m not actually a masochist, And Cass is out of town.”
Jason: “Why am I always second to Cass?”
Steph: “EVERYONE is second to Cass.”
Jason: “Fair. What about Babs?”
Steph: “Just shut up and help me pick a dress, boy zombie.”
Jason: “Whatever, Blondie.”
(Cass, dropping off half a dozen nerf guns)
Cass: “They’re being annoying.”
Jason: “Oh hell yeah.”
Tim: “I need help hiding a body.”
Tim: “What? I didn’t kill him.”
Jason: “Somehow that is so much worse.”
Tim: “Oh, don’t worry, he’s dead.”
Tim: “I just need to hide it somewhere for a few weeks.”
Jason: “Yeah, okay.”
(Three weeks later)
Jason: *watching a video feed of an increasingly paranoid Lex Luthor*
Jason: “I don’t even want to know.”
Babs: “I need your help finding a body.”
Jason: *mentally cursing Tim*
Bruce: *breaking down* “I can’t take it anymore.”
Jason: “How is this my problem?”
Bruce: “They just won’t STOP.”
Jason: “You do realize you chose to have this many kids, right?”
Bruce: “Where did they even GET Green Lantern themed batarangs?”
Jason: “Fine. You can take the couch.”
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The bat kids all have a series of codes for situations but not like boring ones like code blue1435 but like the most random words they can think of or like an inside joke. It confuses the hell out of the other heroes and sometimes even Bruce himself gets confused because the code words are constantly changing.
Oh definitely! But there are a few normal codes scattered in there (just for shits n’ giggles) the most notable being code Black #. There’s a number after but it changes depending on who the code is directed to.
Dick = 1
Babs = 2
Jason = 3
Tim = 4
Cass = 5
Steph = 6
Damian = 7
Duke = 8
Now this code is pretty unique because it’s the only one Bruce has never heard. He’s heard rumors about it from the Justice League/other heroes, but he’s never actually heard it said.
So, what is code Black #?
It’s basically a code between siblings that means “I fucked up. You owe me. Now do something that gets you into more trouble than I’m currently in so that Bruce forgets about me.”
So if Steph says “Code Black 1” that means she’s in trouble and Dick needs to help her.
What’s scary about code Black # is that it does not specify how much trouble the user is in. It could be used for something as minor as “forgot to put up my weapons” or as big as “I blew up a warehouse full of drugs,” but either way the original trouble has to be topped. If it’s not topped then the person the code was directed towards:
Doesn’t fulfill their favor, so the original user can call a code Black # on them again.
Has to try and take the fall for the original act (if possible).
Faces a punishment of the code user’s choosing.
Punishments have ranged from “Eat a Carolina reaper” to “Pet/Plant sit for Harley and Ivy”.
The most memorable code Black # was when Tim slept through an entire alien invasion. Bruce was pissed so Tim called a code Black 7. Damian was actually pretty excited because on the alien space he found fauna that the aliens had planned introduce to the earth post invasion. So he uses code Black 7 as an excuse to release all the fauna and claim them as pets. It was debated whether or not this fufilled the code Black # parameters because while it was a very, very, effective distraction it didn't distract by getting Damian in trouble. It more caused Bruce to spend a week trying to bribe Damian into not keeping a zoo full of alien animals.
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Jade: dark hair, trained with the league of assassins
Jason: dark hair, trained by the league assassins
*jason and roy’s wedding. Oliver giving a speech*
Oliver: after Jade I should have known to keep Todd away from Roy.
Oliver: I have no one but myself to blame for this.
Bruce several drinks in: You’re fucking right this is your fault arrow boy
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Batkids as Tumblr Textposts (1/?)
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damian: i’m too good for revenge.
jason: well, i’m not. give me the gun.
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Dick: I'm getting seriously worried about you. Last week, when I asked you for help, you asked where I'd "stowed the body for now".
Jason: You had a knife.
Dick: I was cooking!
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Dick: Pretty sure that’s illegal, Jay.
Jason: Pretty sure I’m a criminal, Dick.
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bruce: damian you CANNOT have another animal!
damian: this baby emu needs saving father it's a critical disservice to leave it here alone!
bruce: god what is it with you can taking in strays
jason: *chokes on laughter*
tim: apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it *gestures to the 12 batkids all staring at their adoptive father*
damian: i think it fucking does, i would have never taken you in drake
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*In the middle of an argument*
Damian: Todd, you have no idea what I'm capable of.
Jason: Don't take it personally, but I feel like I'm being threatened by a cupcake.
*A few minutes later*
Jason: *bleeding out on the floor*
Tim and Dick: ಠ_ಠ
Bruce: Sorry, How did you get stabbed again?
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My inaccurate fanon story of how Bruce “baby fever” Wayne got all his kids￼
Bruce fosters Dick
Bruce: “what am I feeling”
Bruce: *heart swells* “I’m a father now. Alfred, order me some cargo shorts and a riding lawn mower”
Bruce: *immediate empty nest syndrome*￼￼
Bruce sees Jason
Bruce: *is destroyed, vows to never love again*
Bruce: *heart swelling* “no”
Stephanie becomes Robin
Stephanie gets fired
Bruce: “baby ?”
Jason cocks gun
Jason tried to kill Tim
Bruce: “… baby?”
Jason calms the fuck down
Damian: *is small*
Bruce: *sheds tear* “baby!”
Bruce: *whispers* “babyyyy”
Bruce: “you’re my child now”
Cass: “I’m baby?”
Duke befriends Damian and meets Bruce
Bruce: “… baby?”
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Bruce: Jason, I think it’s time I told you about the birds and the bats
Jason: You mean the birds and the bees?
Bruce: *handing him a robin costume* no
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Tim: Jason, what’s your blood type?
Jason: How should I know?
Tim: How could you not know?
Jason: Who am I, Karl Landsteiner?
Jason: The discoverer of blood groups!
Tim: You don’t know your own blood type, but you know the guy who discovered them?
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Bruce: Oh Dick, what on earth happened to you?!
Dick: Look, I-I've lost a lot of blood.
Dick: I mean...
Dick: I know where the blood is but-
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tim, pouring monster and five hour energy into his coffee: I have no idea what i’m doing, but I do know that i’m doing it really well.
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Bruce: I don’t have a favorite child.
Bruce: I love Dick and all you non-Dicks equally.
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