#incorrect batfam quotes
Teacher: Okay class today we- Damian, hun, w-what's, uh, what's happening?
Damian looks back to see Tim and Dick running back and fourth down the hall on fire as Jason chases them with a knife.
Damian: My brothers are playing tag.
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damian: what are you doing?
tim, lying on the floor: i am slowly and painfully suffering during my stupid, miserable existence
dick, eating chips: i’m supervising
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Dick: Name a way to be nice to someone
Jason: Don't kill them
Dick: ...Setting the bar a little low, but I will take it
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Bruce: I'd like to adress the sudden rise in animosity the villains have shown towards Robin.
Jason, just back from a mission: [leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed] more than usual you mean?
Tim: A lot more.
Dick: Dami has recently decided to forget what the villains are called.
Jason: I- wait what?
Damian: [imperiously] I simply decided that memorising the names of criminals was an ineffective use of my cognitive faculties. Better I recall their behavioural patterns.
Jason: What exactly did you do?
Riddler: [appears dramatically in a puff of smoke] Well well, if it isn't the little bird?
Robin: [coldly] Question man.
Riddler: It's "the Riddler"
Robin: Who cares?
Robin: [drops down from the ceiling to interrupt a meeting between Penguin and his people]
Penguin: Great. It's the boy annoyance.
Robin: [cordially] Birdman.
Penguin: I beg your pardon?!
Robin: [without inflection] My apologies. I have come to arrest you, Mister Mumble.
Penguin: Out of all the movies you could have insulted me with-
Poison Ivy: Oh my, looks like a little birdie has come for a visit.
Harley Quinn: [grinning] Nice of you to drop in tweety
Robin: [nods to Ivy] Daisy. [to Harley] Miss Mime
Harley: [cracks her knuckles]
Robin: [throws a batarang at clayface]
Clayface: great. a mosquito.
Robin: ...[with distaste] There is no need for insults, Mudpie.
Robin: [calling in an arrest] Yes, I have apprehended Toto.
Scarecrow: [tied up nearby] Hey!
Joker: [Sees Robin swinging down in the middle of a hostage situation] Oh look! it's the cavalary...'s pet.
Robin: [cordially] Mr Quinzel.
Robin: You are Harley's husband correct?
Joker: [furious] no!
Robin: My apologies then. I shall endeavor to use your proper name... ... [frowning] Mrs? You are wearing make-up. Is that it? Mrs Quinzel? I did not mean to assume.
Joker: [frothing at the mouth]
[back at the meeting]
Tim: to be fair he only does it when they misname HIM.
Damian: I have a name. It is rude not to use it.
Bruce: Damian. There has been seven attempts on your life this week alone. Stop.
Bruce: [grinds his teeth]
Dick: Actually, what ARE Joker's preferred pronouns? Has anyone asked?
Jason: [munching down a power bar] It's Fuckface McKidkiller
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Alfred: Why are there small handprints on the wall!?
Bruce, whispering to Dick: Why are there small handprints on the wall?
9-years-old Dick, whispering back: Because my hands are small.
Bruce, smiling to Alfred: Because his hands are small.
[Later that day]
Alfred: *puts an empty frame around Dick's small and colorful handprints on the wall that says "small art" at the bottom of the frame* Now that's better.
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Jason: “Who died and made you Robin?”
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today, i offer you this... tomorrow? who knows
follow me on twitter here
join the batfam server here
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Tim, from a nearby rooftop: Ask him if he took my Batburger coupons!
Based on this wonderful post by @jakascoo
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Tim trying to give Damian a pep talk on patrol: You have to worry less about the person you once were, or the person you will someday be. Worry about the person you are now. Or don't even worry! Just be that person. Be the best version of the person you can be
Dick, through the coms: Yeah, Timmy that was really well said!
Tim, who knows full well it was a Welcome to Nightvale quote: Thanks
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Tim: I think I liked it better when Bruce didn’t care about me
Tim: Having a father figure who cares is unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory
Dick: Well, if your goal was to manipulate me into hugging you, it is absolutely working
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damian: i’m too good for revenge.
jason: well, i’m not. give me the gun.
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Damian trying to focus on his zoom lecture while in the manor library.
Teacher: Okay class take out- Damian! What on earth is going on there?!
Steph is on Jason's back pouring glitter glue on his head while Cass follows behing with Duke on her back. Duke is wearing a pirates hat. Damian doesn't even bother looking.
Damian: Todd is reenacting Hamlet.
Teacher: HOW IS THAT HAMLET?!?
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Duke: You know, I’ve always kinda wanted to be in a horror movie.
Jason: Is this family not enough for you?
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Bruce: Now Dick, be charming, but not too charming
Dick: That's like asking Superman not to be too super!
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Cassie: So, have you decided what you're dressing up as for Halloween yet?
Tim: [on his laptop] Of course. We had a whole day seminar about it last month.
Kon: Jesus. You Bats do everything at 150 percent.
Bart: A whole day? Why on earth would it take that long?
Tim: [looks up] Dressing up in Gotham is... tricky.
Cassie: ...yeah. We're gonna need a bit more than that.
Tim: [sits back]
Tim: 2014. Dick dresses up as Bruce Wayne. He completely disappears into the role because playing Bruce is "funny". He accidentally gets roped into a mid-level meeting at W.E. where he agrees to throw out the 2015 budget.
Tim: 2017. Jason decides to piss off Bruce by dressing up as Superman. Since most Gotham citizens haven't really seen Superman, the headlines on November 1st are all about how Superman went on a killing spree and shot three gangleaders.
Kon: [frowning] I don't remember that.
Tim: We killed the story before it reached any further.
Kon: oh. Uh, good.
Tim: 2018. Damian dresses up as Ra's al Ghul. He gets kidnapped from school by the League of Assassins who thinks he's finally embraced his heritage. Before we manage to find him, he convinces them that he is -in fact -a de-aged Ra's. This works, somehow, because he argues that none of them has ever seen Ra's as a child.
Tim: There are definitely parts of Ra's organisation that would not have done well on 'Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?'.
Tim: 2012. Bruce dresses up as a figure skater. Mr Freeze attacks the gala he's at and we spend two weeks burying stories about Bruce Wayne -crime fighter on ice.
Tim: 2017. While the papers are taking photos of a blood-soaked Superman, Dick beats up Scarecrow while dressed as the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. Spoiler arrives to provide backup and accidentally punches the wrong scarecrow.
Tim: 2016! Cass dresses up as Hillary Clinton. Her disguise is so good that the papers try to run a story about Hillary drop-kicking a Donald Trump supporter after Cass stopped a robbery where the guy wore a MAGA-hat.
Cassie: [snorts] Why didn't you let them run that one?
Tim: 2019! I dress up as Spoiler and find out that Spoiler has been hooking up with some guy on patrol and no I will NOT talk about the way in which I found out thank you.
Gar: Hold it, you can't just not tell-
Tim: 2013! Dick dresses up as Red Hood. Meanwhile, Jason dresses up as Nightwing. It was not coordinated. Both of their reputations take a massive hit for opposing reasons.
Tim: Also 2013! Damian dresses up as a cat and almost gets adopted by Catwoman.
Tim: 2019! Steph dresses as Batman and spends the night doing TikTok dances in public places. Bruce tried to deport her but you can't kill a legend and you can't deport a myth.
Tim: 2020! Bruce plans a seminar so we can all discuss and approve all costumes. Everyone is in favor. Duke is unanimously appointed as our judge since he has never caused any incidents. Bruce is unanimously disqualified from speaking at all because he has caused at least five international incidents. And seven national ones, not counting the time with the nun.
Kon: Did- did he dress up as nun, or...?
Tim: I don't want to say.
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Dick: We all have our demons.
Dick, grabbing Damian: This one’s mine.
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Dick: “Yeah, but we expect this kind of stuff from Jason. Not you. You’re the good one.”
Tim: “What? How am I the good one?”
Dick: “Well, it’s definitely not me.”
Tim: “How is it not you?”
Jason: “All I know is that I’m the bad one.”
Damian: “No, I’m the bad one. Wait, do you mean bad kid or bad Robin? There’s a difference.”
Jason: “What’s that?”
Damian: “Well, I’m obviously the bad Robin. I killed people.”
Jason: “So have I, you’re not special.”
Damian: “But I’m the only Robin who killed someone while wearing the suit.”
Dick: *side-eyes Jason*
Jason: *looks directly at the wall, whistling innocently*
Tim: “Are we missing something here?”
Dick, completely ignoring him: “Anyway, that’s not the point of this. Tim is the good kid.”
Dick: “You’re the only one of us who hasn’t killed someone.”
Damian: *stares at him*
Jason: *stares at him*
Dick: *looks anywhere but at his brothers*
Damian: “...Wait a second, when did you—”
Jason: “Who the fuck did you kill?”
Dick: *looks at Tim*
Dick: “You, uh... you might want to sit down, Jay—”
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bruce: damian you CANNOT have another animal!
damian: this baby emu needs saving father it's a critical disservice to leave it here alone!
bruce: god what is it with you can taking in strays
jason: *chokes on laughter*
tim: apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it *gestures to the 12 batkids all staring at their adoptive father*
damian: i think it fucking does, i would have never taken you in drake
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you guys know exactly what's gonna happen next
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Based on this headcanon post I made.
Damian: *Angrily venting about an animal shelter's condition*
Tim: *Typing on computer*
Damian: Are you even listening?
Tim: The owner is a wanted criminal and I just bought the shelter.
Dick: You... bought an animal shelter?
Tim: It was the easiest solution.
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