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the-suicidal-lizard · 1 year

Conversation

Dating

Jervis: If I were dating you. Well, heh. Let's just say horses wouldn't be called "horses" anymore.

Jonathan: Hey what the fuck does that mean?

Jervis: :) *walks away*

Jonathan, shaking: I'M SHAKING, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???!!!

#Jonathan Crane #the scarecrow #Jervis Tetch #the mad hatter #jervis x jonathan #jonathan x jervis #scarecrow x mad hatter #Dork squad #source: pinterest #chat #incorrect quotes #incorrect quote #incorrect Batman quotes #incorrect batman rogues quotes #incorrect batman rogues #batman rogues incorrect quotes

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roxineedstosleep · 2 years

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Bruce Wayne (The Batman, 2022) having an assistan that is younger than him

We know that Alfred went to work almost immediately after seeing that he was out of danger. But, because of the incident, he took a break from some things that are already extremely boring or repetitive for him.

How to coordinate calls and keep Bruce's public schedule.

So… He got Bruce an assistant… a younger assistant than him.

To say the chaos of the combination of the two is an understatement.

****************************

Alfred: May I know why Pizza Hut has permanently blocked your assistant's designated phone and then your phone?

Bruce: I asked them to order a pizza for lunch, but they panicked and got blocked; I tried mine later, but we both forgot how to order a pizza. And when we called back we panicked, started hyperventilating and they thought we were perverts.

*****************************

Alfred, seeing Bruce's assistant carrying something inside his small office: May I know what's going on with that pot and why it's in a baby carrier?

Assistant: My rommie went on vacation, and left me in charge of one of her plants, but she's a very sensitive plant and got depressed after I left her alone all day yesterday. So I take her with me so she won't be sad.

Alfred: I understand.

******************************

Alfred, seeing how the assistant sleeps much less than Bruce: I think you should go take a nap on the couch.

Assistant: I don't need to sleep, Mr. Wayne asked me to help him choose a restaurant for a company dinner. And I know he's been wanting chicken nuggets for days. I'm about to get the best chicken nugget restaurant, with little customer interaction in the world.

Alfred: I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the dedication to this.

*************************

Alfred, watching as the assistant panics at the sight of a round stuffed plushie in their hands: May I know what's going on?

Assistant: Mr. Wayne gave me a bonus for a good job, and I bought this stuffed toy, the problem is that the description says he has social anxiety and now I can't leave him with the other stuffed animals or he'll have a breakdown!

Alfred: Understandable.

***************************

Bruce, to his assistant: Well, it's time to eat, how about some coffee?

Assistant: I don't think Mr. Pennyworth would like the idea of you drinking more coffee Mr. Wayne.

Bruce: And I don't think he likes the idea of you only consuming energy drinks either.

Assistant: Good move, which coffee shop would you like to visit?

#batman #battinson #bruce wayne #incorrect batman quotes #incorrect batman rogues #incorrect dc #alfred pennyworth #the batman movie #the batman oc #the batman 2022 #comedy #incorrect quotes #alfred is the best #but he is tired #bruce wayne imagine

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lautitiosloon · 2 years

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Headcanons with me, yours truly

I think Roman Sionis' music taste would be very eclectic and all over the place, but represents him perfectly-

The eldest bat kids, breaking into the Sionis household late at night, going through his vinyl collection

Jason, pulling out in an aeroplane over the sea and just some beatles album: A male manipulator-- I knew it.

Dick, pulling out NIN, Depeche mode, and some classic goth rock essentials: Okay, buuut consider these-- he's a sensual lover that can in fact lay down that pipe!

Jason, mumbling: (never say that again Dick...)

Tim, pulling out the likes of Miki Matsubara, marya takeuchi, and meiko nakahara: And he has an appreciation for 80s Japanese city pop, this is clearly a guy who knows how to have a good time, an excellent time even, at impromptu late night social gatherings.

Jason, mumbling still: (well... that's not entirely wrong, Tim...)

-the bat kids talking amongst themselves about their finds and theories as to what it all means-

Roman, extremely tired, awoken and awe strucken by three extremely large dudes breaking into his house dressed in campy super suits, who has been watching the chaos unfold for the past ten minutes: um... what the actual fuck are you guys doing in my house?

#roman sionis #black mask #jason todd #red hood #dick greyson #nightwing #tim drake #red robin #batman #incorrect quotes #incorrect batman rogues #incorrect batman quotes #head canon

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incorrectbatfamandfriends · 3 months

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Poison Ivy: And then he said my lipstick was ugly!

Robin!Dick, dangling over a tank of acid by his ankle: You can do so much better!

#incorrect batfam #incorrect batfamily quotes #batfam #batfamily #batman #dick grayson #nightwing #poison ivy #pamela isley #gotham rogues #gotham #dc robin #robin

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incorrectbatfam · 20 days

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Black Mask: Any last words?

Jason: I miss Macaulay Culkin.

Dick: Tell Oracle I love her.

Jason: Sure, make me look like an asshole.

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thequeenofuselessinformation · 9 months

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I'm alive but only ironically.

Twt op cr: @FranziaMom

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shyjusticewarrior · 8 months

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DC Comics Incorrect Quotes Pt 132

Tim: I am way too sleep deprived to deal with your negativity right now.

Lois: You know what's really loud, Lex? Insecurity. Confidence is silent. Just like your empty mansion.

Selina: Remember, punishable by fine means legal for a price. Until we meet again.

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batman-dc-imagines · 1 month

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Do you like my hat?

*You were napping in your cell when one of the cops came by and woke you up*

Cop: "Hey, wake up."

(Reader), slowly waking up: "hm...?"

Cop: "You're free to go."

(Reader), still half asleep and confused: "What...? Why?"

Cop: "Somebody bailed you out."

(Reader), even more confused: "What? But I don't....I don't even know anyone who would...-"

*As the cop escorts you toward the front of the gcpd, your eyes land on a almost familiar looking face.*

(Reader), still confused: "Who the fuck are you..?"

Jervis, wearing a horrible disguise: "Emmett..."

(Reader): "Okay....Emmett. Did you...bail me out of jail..?"

Jervis: "Yeah..."

(Reader): "Well...why?"

Jervis: "I wanted to show you my hat."

(Reader): "You bailed me out of jail...cause you wanted to show me your hat.."

Jervis: "Yeah..,I just bought it."

(Reader): "Wasn't my bail like...twenty thousand dol-"

Jervis: "Twenty five."

*There's awkward silence between the three of you*

Jervis: "So do you like it-"

(Reader): "No not really..no-"

Jervis, muttering to himself: "Fuck..."

#gotham x reader #batman rogues x reader #jervis tetch #jervis tetch x reader #gotham jervis tetch x reader #gotham incorrect quotes #gotham imagine #gotham tv #gotham #dcu #incorrect quotes #dc incorrect quotes

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bruciemilf · 1 year

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I'm sorry, can you imagine being Tim Drake, bullying your way into becoming Robin, and Batman’s rogues are just like

Harley: He's, uh...He's nice!

Selina: don't listen to what people say about you, okay?

Tim: People talk about me--

Oswald: Is he a rescue or purebred?

Harvey, who's used to a mouthy Romani boy with no filter and a latino sunshine baby from crime alley: I don't know what you are ethnically...But it's looking like CRACKER

Tim hides behind Bruce's legs the whole time, but is he spared? No. Bruce, before anything, Is the father of pettiness, " Tell them about yourself. Maybe about your photography hobby?"

#bruce wayne #tim drake #no shade to tim btw bullying him is fun i understanding why you do it to bruce now djdj #batman #harley quinn #selina kyle #oswald cobblepot #harvey dent #batman rogues gallery #text #incorrect quotes #dc #dc comics

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wiverly · 4 months

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Bruce: I can't take this anymore, someone needs to take me out!

Harley: In a dating type of way or assassination type of way?

Bruce: I don't know, surprise me!

Harley: *texting frantically all the batman's rogues gallery in their group chat to inform them*

Bruce: …

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inamindfarfaraway · 1 year

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Double Standard

[Batman and the Red Hood are confronting Two-Face, who is robbing the Second National Bank at the climax of a bloody crime spree. Two-Face points one pistol at Red Hood, who has two of his own, and the other at Batman, who holds a Batarang.]

Batman: You know how this goes, and tonight you're outnumbered. Why not just surrender?

Two-Face: Actually, I was hoping the two of you would show up. Maybe now I can finally get some answers. Tell me, Batman: how is the Red Hood killing people in the name of justice any different from me doing it?

Batman: What?

Red Hood: Ooh. This is interesting.

Two-Face: You heard me. When he does it, he’s a vigilante. When I do it, I’m just another criminal. He even started out as a crime lord! (to Red Hood) You sold drugs, you sold guns, you decapitated eight people and used their heads in a bag to intimidate their bosses -

Red Hood: (chuckles) Yeah, that was a good night.

Two-Face: And you still get to wear that Bat on your chest! You just showed up with it one day. Why? How? What the hell happened? I guess the Bat rules are much more negotiable than they’ve always been made out to be. In that case, I’m trying to clean up the city too. (to Batman, gesturing to Red Hood) Surely you either have to lock up both or neither of us. I can flip for it if you can’t choose.

Batman: The difference is that Red Hood has earned my trust. He only kills as a last resort, and only people who are dangerous, powerful and unrepentantly malicious enough that it’s the most utilitarian solution. He doesn’t hurt or rob the innocent. And he has control of his mental faculties, rather than taking lives randomly and unpredictably based on the flip of a coin.

Red Hood: Well, doesn’t Two-Face often target corrupt politicians and crime lords too?

Batman: Don't escalate this.

Red Hood: I'm just stating facts.

Two-Face: (to Red Hood) Exactly! Thank you. (to be Batman) Okay, fine, I’ve got the coin thing and a lot less restraint, but you’ve also stopped me killing absolute bastards who it would have been extremely difficult, if not impossible, to take down legally. You let Hood do that. Why not me? Or are you simply a hypocrite?

Red Hood: I slaughtered the leaders of a human trafficking ring last month. It was so satisfying.

Batman: Stop. (to Two-Face) It’s… it’s complicated. Look, let’s put this aside for now. You must concede that you still need to serve time for your many crimes against undeserving civilians.

Two-Face: We are not putting this aside! I'm serious! I have lost sleep over this! What does Red Hood have when it comes to killing scumbags has that I don't?

Red Hood: ...A face-protecting helmet?

Two-Face:

Batman:

Harvey, distantly listening in the system's inner world: He's right.

[Cut to the Batcave. Jason is lying in the infirmary as Alfred stitches up a bullet wound in his abdomen that could have very easily been fatal.]

Alfred: And then he shot you?

Jason: And then he shot me.

Alfred: And what do you take away from this?

Jason: That Bruce is an even bigger hypocrite than I’d thought, I’m hilarious and I have no regrets.

#jason’s first priority when talking to batman or a rogue is always being a little shit #bruce wayne #batman #jason todd #red hood #two-face #harvey dent #dc #dc comics #batman incorrect quotes #dc incorrect quotes

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the-suicidal-lizard · 1 year

Conversation

Purghaps

Edward: If there's a "heavens no" and a "hell yes" why isn't there a "purgatory maybe"?

Jervis: Purghaps.

Jonathan: Oh my god!

#edward nygma #The Riddler #Jonathan Crane #the scarecrow #Jervis Tetch #the mad hatter #the dork squad #incorrect quotes #incorrect Batman quotes #incorrect quote #incorrect dork squad quotes #incorrect batman rogues quotes #batman #incorrect batman rogues #chat

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roxineedstosleep · 2 years

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The Batboys... literally having a real sibling interaction

To be honest, I only have one brother (who is older than me). But there are 7 of us cousins, there's a lot of family traumas and I have a fucking obsession with collecting stuffed animals.

To say there is chaos and destruction during the holidays is an understatement. Consequently ….

Situations with the bat kids, using chaotic situations that have happened to me, my btoher and my cousins during the holidays.

Dick, returning from a stressful Downtown shopping trip to the beach house: 'Can I know why Steph and Tim are crying in the corner, and why are they so red?

Damian the only one with brown skin, and therefore more likely to have a decent tan: They're just envious of me.

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Jason, watching all his siblings eat the leftovers from the previous dinner…. including his leftovers that had 50 sachets of hot sauce on them: Come back to life they said, surely your family will appreciate you more they said.

****************************

Cassandra, looking aggressively at her Batman themed pillow stuffed in a box that is about to be buried in the backyard.

Steph, officiating the symbolic funeral: And that's how Mr. Batsy was brutally annihilated by a couple of wild animals (Damian and Jason). We hope that his 38 Batsy siblings and his three distant cousins Mrs. Fuzz can get over their loss.

****************************

Jason: Let me get this straight. You broke one of Cass's stuffed animals.

Duke and Steph: Yeah

Jason: And in trying to fix their mistake, you ended up smashing it even more.

Duke and Steph: That's the case.

Jason: Well… I'll tell you this from experience, being reborn in Lazarus' pit isn't so bad.

****************************

Titus, sprawled completely on top of Tim

Tim: Yeah… this is my life now.

****************************

Jason, watching as Dick desperately tries to look all over for grey hairs because Alfres (the cat) left a hair or two on his shirt: Yeah. I don't pay my therapist enough.

#batfam imagine #batman #dick grayson #batfamily #tim drake #jason todd #damian wayne #damian al ghul #stephanie brown #duke thomas #incorrect dc #dc incorrect quotes #incorrect batman rogues #oc commission #dick is a tired big bro #jason needs more therapy #batkids

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madame-fear · 2 years

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You: I love murder mysteries! Jonathan , trying to impress them: I've been a suspect in four murder cases.

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incorrectbatfamandfriends · 2 months

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Bruce, age 22, in his mafia take down era: Lol, this shits easy. Why can’t the GCPD do this. Ive even got time to kill, I wonder what Harvey’s doing.

—

Bruce, age 35: Yeah scarecrow tested his new fear toxin out on a maternity wing, firefly is going on an arson spree, Joker is holding a school hostage- no Jason, that’s not “it,” sit down.

#incorrect batfam #incorrect batfamily quotes #batfam #batfamily #batman #bruce wayne #Gotham rogues #he’s so tired he didn’t expect to be fighting costume freaks instead of mob bosses

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incorrectbatfam · 1 year

Conversation

Harley: I'll never talk!

Bruce, sharpening knife: I have ways of making people talk.

Harley:

Bruce: *cuts a piece of cake*

Harley: ...Can I have some?

Bruce: Cake is for talkers.

#source: tumblr #harley quinn #harleen quinzel #bruce wayne #batman #batfamily #incorrect batfamily quotes #batman family #gotham city sirens #gotham rogues #incorrect quotes #incorrect dc quotes #dc comics #tw food mention

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