Alfred: Why are there small handprints on the wall!?

Bruce, whispering to Dick: Why are there small handprints on the wall?

9-years-old Dick, whispering back: Because my hands are small.

Bruce, smiling to Alfred: Because his hands are small.

[Later that day]

Alfred: *puts an empty frame around Dick's small and colorful handprints on the wall that says "small art" at the bottom of the frame* Now that's better.

Tim: day 89 of convincing Damian that Alfred is a robot: i've got Jay and Kon with me and we've told Damian that Alfred is programmed into the house

Jason: Alfred can you open the window in my bedroom?

Alfred, in the kitchen: Yes master Jason

Conner: *opens the window then hides*

Damian: :O

Tim: Alfred can you prepare some coffee for me?

Alfred: Of course Master Tim though i must remind you caffine is not the best for your mental state at 9pm - but i shall start it right away

Jason, hiding in the cabinet: *presses the coffee button*

Damian: *confused screeches*

this is my formal request for dc to make an animated batfam series

Full credit to the creator @ ThePandaRedd on TikTok for this amazing video he created - I absolutely love his discussion around Jason’s death (and ever other one of his skits)

Jason: Dick and Bruce don't care about me. If they did, they would have killed the Joker.

Tim, who is damn well aware that Dick has killed the Joker and the only reason the Joker is alive is because Batman brought him back:

bruce: we have to talk about patrol now, i'm not mad i just need to know what happened and why

jason, under his breath: dick do not break. we say nothing

dick, physically shaking: i- i- TIM AND DAMIAN SAID-

damian: *knocks dick out*

bruce: you can't keep knocking him out boys there could be brain damage

tim: snitches get stitches.

jason: retweet

Jason: Hope you get run over.

Tim: Hoping is all well and good, but ultimately, it gets you nowhere. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Get in your car and run me the fuck down instead of waiting for others to do your work for you, you coward. You lazy fool.

Dick: You know that voice in your head that tells you you’re doing something kinda wrong?

Bruce: You mean the one that sounds like Clark?

Wally: I’m rescuing you

Dick, tied to a chair: Cool, do you have a plan?

Wally: If I stop for long enough to think about what I’m actually doing I’m going to have a panic attack

Dick: I’m taking command of this rescue

Wally: Please

bruce: report, where are each of you

*silence*

bruce: alright i'm turning on your comms manually

tim: uh hullo mr wayne this is conner on tim's comm, we really think it'd be best if ya don't turn on tim's comm for an hour or so if you know what i- *off*

*comms open manually*

dick: yeah hi, how many patties can you fit on one burger? 10? is that really it or are you bullshitting me BECAUSE I KNOW YO- *off*

jason: yes you're a pretty gun. yes you are! who is my favorite gun? you are! *off*

damian: i'm going to name you batchicken

bruce: DAMIAN NO

damian: *smashes comm*

bruce: goddammit why do i do this to myself, maybe steph and cass will be better

steph: okay cass so i think the best first lesbian bar is- *off*

bruce: hi, alfred, i'm so sorry for everything

Roy: Thanks to Duolingo, I can ask people if they are a horse but can't tell people what my name is in French.

Jason: Ask me if I'm a fucking horse. I dare you.

Roy: Tu es un cheval?

Jason: Nay.

Roy: Oh you MOTHERFUCKER—

Bruce: If anything happened to Damian, I'd never forgive myself.

Dick: Well, that won't be an issue. If anything happens to Damian, I will murder you.

Tim, angrily: ARE YOU-

Jason: Fucking

Tim: -KIDDING ME?

Duke: …what was that?

Jason: Alfred banned Tim from swearing for a week, so I volunteered to help him out.

Duke: I think you just like saying fuck.

Jason: That doesn’t make my job any less important.

damian: pennyworth, i love you

bruce: *chokes on air*

dick: *jealous screeches*

tim: *checks coffee for hallucinogenics*

jason: *questions if he died again*

~1 day later~

alfred: master damian you must tell your brothers of the "prank" dick hasn't stopped crying for days and master bruce can't stop replaying it on the 98 inch flat screen

damian: drake and todd?

alfred: master jason is convinced he's in his personal hell and Timothy fears his coffee has been compromised

damian: perfect.

Damian: "Ladies and gentlemen" is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly I’m falling asleep already.

Damian: "Cowards", on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, casual and fun, short and to the point, exciting, and dramatic.

A very drunk Dick at 3am calling Bruce: B! Thank goodness you answered! Jason is losing to the raccoons!

Bruce, sober and tired: what? Where are you and Jason?

Dick with angry raccoon noises and Jason cursing at them in the background: oh no

A very grim Dick: They have won, Jason belongs to them now.

Bruce deeply sighing: Dick, tell me where you two are?

Dick: Wendy’s.

Dick: We all have our demons.

Dick, grabbing Damian: This one’s mine.

tim @ jason: it's the dying for me

jason @ damian: it's the mommy issues, for me

damian @ tim: it's the caffeine and conner kent dependency... for me

tim @ steph: it's the dating me while you were clearly gay, for me

steph @ bruce: it's the saying you work alone but having like 20 kids for me

bruce: it's the fact that you all do this shit while we're literally IN BATTLE did you not see Nightwing go down?

jason @ a wounded Dick: it's the inability to dodge bullets FOR ME

Clark: I want to tell you a joke but I only remember the punchline.

Bruce: Go ahead.

Clark: Tooth-hurty.

Bruce: When is the best time to go to the dentist?

Clark: You complete me.

Bruce: Oh Dick, what on earth happened to you?!

Dick: Look, I-I've lost a lot of blood.

Dick: I mean...

Dick: I know where the blood is but-