Ares: I’d fuck tigress from kung fu panda
Hermes: But would she fuck you? Humble yourself
Aphrodite: When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart, I think it’s so romantic! Two lovers on a date…
Ares: One of them carrying a knife for some reason
Odysseus: I don’t think we can mansplain, manipulate or malewife our way out of it this time.
Achilles: [cracking his knuckles]
Achilles: Manslaughter it is.
Patroclus: Why don't you have a boyfriend?
Achilles: My mother is strict. Why don't you have a boyfriend?
Patroclus: You have a strict mother.
Poseidon: So, are you two dating now?
Zeus and Hera: Yes.
Zeus: I happen to find Hera very appealing.
Poseidon: Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Hera.
Patroclus: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.
Achilles: I once saw you kill a child because he took your dice.
Patroclus: Exactly. That was my battle. So be kind.
Therapy with the gods:
Therapist: now what do we say when we feel this way?
Zeus: hoes mad
Hera: i’m here for a good time, not a long time
Poseidon: don’t be sad because sad backwards is das, and das not good
Hades: less depressy more progressy
Demeter: [takes out weed pen]
Hestia: so no one told you life was gonna be this way *clap clap clap clap clap*
Hermes: mercury retrograde, my dude
Ares: today feels like a good day to deadlift twice my bodyweight
Aphrodite: my anxiety is a doozy but this ass is hella juicy
Hephaestus: it be like that sometimes
Apollo: that’s show biz, baybee
Artemis: i’m a bad bitch, you can’t kill me
Athena: called it
Dionysus: ...fuck it we ball
Therapist: holy fuck, y’all need serious help
me, to myself: oh, you're depressed? that's not very achilles of you.
Apollo: Hey, Ares? Can I get some dating advice?
Ares: Just because I'm with Aphrodite doesn't mean I know how I did it.
Dionysus: What did you get uncle Hades for his birthday?
Hermes: I got him a dog.
Dionysus: Really? Me too.
Artemis: I also got him a dog.
Apollo: I did as well.
Ares: Looks like we had the same idea.
Athena: Aphrodite, Hephaestus, please don’t say you both got him a dog too!
Hephaestus and Aphrodite: We got him a dog.
Hades, *in his room surrounded by seven puppies*: This is the best birthday ever.
Dionysus, dancing in the rain and singing: It's raining wine, Hallelujah, it's raining wine ...
Apollo: Is it raining wine?
Dionysus, smiling: Hera is angry at Zeus and he is hiding in the underworld. Zeus made me in charge of the sky till he comes back.
*Hades and Persephone arguing*
Hestia, whispering to Poseidon: Should we leave?
Poseidon: No, no, I wanna see Persephone make Hades cry.
Hades: I love you.
Persephone: How many people do you tell that same thing to?
Hades: Yes, I tell everyone that I love you.
Achilles: *rolls over in bed and knees Patroclus in the ribs* Patroclus: Ow! You kneed me. Achilles, sleepily: Yeah, I do need you.
Patroclus: *voice cracks* okay
Drunk Achilles texting Patroclus: You're the hottest boyfriend I've ever had.
Patroclus: I'm your husband.
Achilles: OMG THAT'S AWESOME!
Athena: It's time to play "who stole the drugs".
Artemis: It wasn't me.
Apollo: Wasn't me!
Hermes: I think it's him... -points to dionysus-
Dionysus: -High as balls- Fucking pink nymphs everywhere......
Achilles: Alright, listen up you little shits.
Achilles: Not you, Patroclus. You're an angel and we're thrilled to have you here.
Persephone: goodnight moon
Persephone: goodnight tree
Persephone: goodnight ghosts that only I can see
Persephone: oh and goodnight Hades
Hades, horrified: yeah goodnight
Dionysus: Died and came back as a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.
Zeus: While I'm gone, you’re in charge, Apollo.
Zeus, whispering to Athena: You're secretly in charge.