Hufflepuff: Guess what?! I just bought galaxy cat undies!
Slytherin: So what you’re saying is, you have a stellar pussy.
At Grimmauld place
Harry: I want to fight Voldemort by myself
Molly: you cant be serious
Molly: *realizes what she just said*
Sirius: *runs downstairs towards the kitchen*
Sirius: *reaches the kitchen*
Sirius: he can’t
Sirius: I am Sirius
Sirius: Here’s a fun idea - we hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing the person underneath, we have to fight them
Remus: We are not doing that
Remus: Don’t encourage him
Regulus and Remus friendship:
They both are smart and they have a friendly competition to see who can get the best scores— Regulus excells in transfiguration and Remus in Charms, so they’ll take turn in competing on the subjects. James, Sirius, Peter, Lucius and Snape just watch them whirl like monsters in awe.
Magic machine go brrRRRRR
*When Narcissa was pregnant with Draco*
Lucius: I can’t wait to meet my son and raise him
*When Draco was born*
Lucius: *spits on*
Okay but imagine this:
Short Regulus Black who likes to steal other Slytherin’s robes when he’s cold and cuddles in them and the robes are like three sizes bigger because he’s like the smallest and most petite Slytherin in his year
(Usually Lucius or Snape are his victims)
Sirius: It’s like my family and I are dead to each other
James: So that’s grim-mourn place for you then
Lily: oMg JaMeS nOw iS nOt tHe tIme!!!
Marauders as things me and my friends have said #7
Sirius: How can the night be so fucking pretty
Remus: Well it is like your hair so it makes sense
Sirius: THAT WAS SO FUCKING SMOOTH YOU SHAMELESS FLIRT
being a slytherin is a constant inner battle of ‘do i take part in doing the dumb bs’ or ‘do i sit and watch the dumb shit happen’
Slytherin: I like you.
Hufflepuff: What did you say?
Slytherin: What did you hear?
Lucius: So what are you doing these days, Potter?
Harry: Your son
Lucius: I mean for a living
Harry: Oh…I’m an Auror
Slytherin: You were supposed to do something about the raccoon under the desk.
Hufflepuff: I did. I named him Fluffy. He likes cocoa puffs.
Draco: When life gives you lemons, secretly replace them with oranges and make orange juice so life can wonder what the fuck you are.
Harry: What the fuck, Draco?
More Harry Potter Characters as John Mulaney Quotes
Draco Malfoy: I look back on being 17 and I think, oh my god, how did i not die?
Bellatrix Lestrange: I dont look older I just look worse.
Sirius Black: And in a brilliant moment of word association I yelled, Fuck da police!
Ginny Weasley: Im probably gay based on the way I’ve walked and talked for the past 39 years.
Dolores Umbridge: If you are a school student, your opinion doesn’t matter.
Cho Chang: I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.
Fred Weasley: Sometimes, people would say, what do you think you’re doing.
George Weasley: But that just meant stop. They didn’t actually wanna know my thought process.
Molly Weasley: She is a dynamite 5-foot, Jewish bitch, and she’s the best.
Arthur Weasley: You all have a relative who is an expert even though they don’t really know what they’re talking about.
Don’t y'all think that in order to win others, you must first win over yourself?
We hesitate more often cause of self doubt than fear.
Remus : So …. you’re a Metamorphmagus…!!!
Tonks : Yes …
Remus : You can change your body however you want…???
Tonks : *wondering wich part of her body he’s thinking about changing*
Tonks : Go on , try me…
Remus : Can you do, say, a pig snout for a nose…???
Tonks : A what…!!!
Sirius : *smirking and nudging her with his elbow * Not what you expected, was it , cousin …???
Tonks : Not exactly, no, not with most gentlemen of my acquaintance
Sirius : Moony’s not like that , You don’t have to worry about him.“
Remus : *missing the joke*
I’m not like what…???
Sirius : Never you mind
Pansy *at a shopping mall*: Harry, what are you doing here?
Harry: Draco’s mad at me, so I’m buying him something
Pansy: Aw, you’re buying him that cute shirt?
Harry: Oh no, I’m buying him this whole mall