[dinner with Steve, Sam, and Bucky]
Bucky: Can you pass the potatoes?
Sam: [moves it further away]
Loki: what do you want from me?
Thor: the truth!
Loki: oh you weren’t joking
Peter: Why are you dipping your pizza in ranch?
Stephen: It’s good, you should try it.
Tony: What are you eating?
Peter: PIZZA WITH RANCH IT’S THE BEST THING I’VE EVER HAD
Peter: I had one hour of sleep, one brownie, and two shots of espresso, and I am ready to either fight God or die trying.
Tony, waking up in a middle of night: Hey, Loki. Loki wake up.
Tony: I just had a fucking dream. Literally and figuratively.
Loki: For Odin’s beard, it’s 2 am, Anthony. Go back to sleep.
Tony: But you’re not interested in hearing details?
Loki: Go. To. Sleep.
Steve: Oh, this question is easy, “What are some of your happiest moments?”
Natasha: My what now?
Tony: You’re the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you.
Pepper: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.
Tony: Absolutely not.
Tony: What happened to all my good ideas?
JARVIS: Don’t kid yourself, sir, you never had any good ideas.
Steve: We’ve come to take you back.
Bucky, living in the woods: It’s been a week!
Steve: Nobody knew where you were. And your phone was off.
Bucky: I texted Sam!
Sam: Wha- I’m sorry for not responding to, like, one text, Bucky!
Peter B: Everyone always asks me how do I handle this team?
Peter B: The secret is, I don’t. I have no control over them whatsoever. This morning, Miles called my name, and when I showed up to see what’s going on, Ham shot me in the throat with a nerf gun.
Tony: Steve you’re a lesbian right?
Steve: do I have depression? I don’t think so? Why are you asking me that?
Clint: what do you mean innuendos I never make innuendos!
Clint five seconds later: Can you move up a bit I’m trying to come beneath you.
Natasha: sometimes when a customer leaves the door open I go, slam it shut, and then stand in front of them and glare for a few seconds. They often will rip really well out of sheer terror.
Bruce: You’re really testing my limits. If you don’t fucking do your job I will break you
The coffee machine:
Tony: I’m so attractive, that’s why we’re busy today, the customers want to see my face
Thor: such a large ego for such a small man
Rhodey: the word you’re looking for is miniature
Tiny: Tony: you’re supposed to be mature!
Tony: I’d make a great chiropractor. I break people’s backs every night
Bruce: chiropractors fix backs
Tony: if no backs are broke their are no backs to fix. Break the back for a pay check. Have you never heard that phrase?
Bruce: no because you just made it up
Y/N: What’s the nicest way to tell my boss I want to smack her over the head with a chair?
Natasha: With flowers.
Natasha: Wait, wait, wait! What are you doing!?
Y/N: Heating up the potion.
Natasha: In the microwave!?
Y/N: It’s faster.
Natasha: And deadly!
Y/N: We’ll be fine.
Natasha: Last time you said that we ended up in Sesame Street and you made friends with Oscar the Grouch.
Natasha, to the team: What is Y/n holding right now?
Steve: A pumpkin
Natasha, turning to Y/n: Tell them what you think it is.
Y/n: A Halloween apple
Pepper: Has anyone ever told you you’ve got anger issues?
Tony: I prefer to call it “leadership skills”
Natasha: *throws a rock through a window to gain access to a suspects house*
Steve: That’s breaking and entering!
Natasha: No, that was breaking.
Natasha: *opens door* This, is entering.
Steve: Who besides Bucky and I know everything about the Great Depression?
Y/N: I thought it was called the Grand Canyon?
Kate: Hey, what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
Clint: His dogs names are Walter and Rose.
Kate: That’s not what I asked.
Clint: That is all the information I have.