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#incorrect mcu quotes
Loki: I don't get along with my brother.
Grandmaster: Hmm. Have you tried banishing him from existence over a series of very competitive table tennis and chess matches?
Loki: I... I can do that?
Grandmaster: Depends on how good you are at table tennis but if you're better than Sparkles then I don't see why not.
Thor: *still stuck in the chair* I can hear you, you know!
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incorrect but also totally canon things peter parker has said before; a saga

  • “hey, spiders have feelings bitch.”
  • “if shoes talked would they tell us not to walk all over them anymore?”
  • “you know, i think spiders like me. except for that one time when it bit me but that’s besides the point-”
  • “mr. stark no offense but you dress even more homeless than i do.”
  • “i’m just, so fucking poor bro. like i ate a sandwich off of a subway seat yesterday, that’s how broke i am-”
  • “yes liz was pretty but the father in law was a no go man.”
  • “no, i’m not bi. there’s such thing as spicy bi, karen.”
  • “i’m such a good secret keeper.” *proceeds to keep extra suit under lockers*
  • “it’s not spiderboy YOU FUCKING BIRCH TREE.”
  • “ah, well you know, i definitely have a fatter ass than you mj-” *slap*
  • “just.. just let me get a mudmask in and then i’ll do it.” “NO I WILL NOT RECONSIDER.”
  • “i’m spiderman, of course i can- yES I CAN DO IT NED.” “ned i can’t do it.”
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Bucky: Wait for it, wait for it… 9:01. Steve is officially late for the first time ever. Alright, let’s do this. Who’s got theories?

Vision: His alarm did not go off.

Bucky: All three alarms, all with battery backups? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

Peter: Oh! He was talking in his sleep!

Bucky: That’s what I’m talking about! Super dark, Peter, but way more plausible than Vision’s idiotic alarm clock theory.

Tony: I bet he tucked himself in his bed too tight and got stuck.

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Interviewer : What is it like to live with the Avengers ?


Y/N : Hum…


*Flashbacks*


Loki : *wakes Y/N up at 4 am to check on Banner* Go see if the Hulk is going to get me ! I’m scared.


Peter : *crawls on the ceiling wearing a black wig and frightens Y/N* I saw this in a horror movie and I wanted to see if it was scary in real life !


Hulk : *screams just to annoy Y/N*


Thor : *eats whatever is in the fridge* Y/N ! You have to go buy some food !


Captain Marvel : *destroys something again* Oops. My bad.


*End of flashbacks*


Y/N :


Y/N : It’s… special…


Interviewer : It is probably the most wonderful experience you’ve ever had !


Y/N : Do not exaggerate.

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Peter: *brews instant coffee with monster instead of water and downs 3 pots in an hour* I’m going to die.

[Later]

Bruce: Is Pete okay?

Tony: He drank an excessive amount of juiced caffeine and now his healing factor is trying to counteract the effects. I’m pretty sure he’s ascended to the astral realm.

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Tony: it’s nice that you’re helping teach Morgan English, but can you not do it in vine references?

Peter: i have no clue what you’re talking about

Morgan *from the other room*: I’m a bad bitch you can’t kill me!

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Bucky: I can’t believe all these people dressed in black. All-black was my thing, and now everyone’s doing it to be “cool”. They’re all posers.

Steve: Bucky, I cannot stress this enough. We are at a funeral.

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Peter: Have you guys done your daily sacrifice for the day??

MJ: “daily sacrifice for the day”

Ned: it’s Peter, don’t question it.

MJ: That’s not what I mean.

MJ: Isn’t that the definition of daily tho.

Peter: Shh, answer my question, shithead.

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