Peter B: Everyone always asks me how do I handle this team?
Peter B: The secret is, I don’t. I have no control over them whatsoever. This morning, Miles called my name, and when I showed up to see what’s going on, Ham shot me in the throat with a nerf gun.
Tony: I hope you two have a good explanation for this.
Harley: We have three, actually.
Peter: Pick your favorite.
May: fuck you, my child is completely fine
Peter who’s secretly spider-man, fought with the Avengers, almost got crushed by a building and gets stabbed and/or shot at least once a week: yeah
Peter: When I die, I want to be buried, but not in a casket. I want my dead body to nourish the soil and at least be useful in my death.
Harley: Be useful in your life first.
Peter: That ship has sailed.
Peter: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?
Natasha: I’m a knife
Steve, from the other side of the room: She’s the little spoon
Peter: I’m a pro at hiding who I like
Harley, walking by: Hey Peter
Peter: I have to gay
Peter: I mean go-
Peter: I would sacrifice my head for you.
Ned: Wait, you have a head?
Peter: Unfortunately so.
Loki and Tony just having a good afternoon time together
Peter: I’ve never seen two pretty best friends.
Shuri: They’re definitely dating… *realizing* Why we’re not???
Tony: I am at loss for words!
Peter, narrating: Despite being at a loss for words, Mr. Stark yelled at me for the next ten minutes.
Mj: this isn’t my depression
Mj: this is just my ADHD.
Mj: Y'know, it makes me forgetful
Mj: I just-
Mj: like, sit down my will to live ONE TIME
Mj: I turn around- it’s phuckin’ gone!?
Mj: I can’t figure out where I put the thing.
morgan: i got no money
peter: you got like 5 bank accounts
morgan: no i got 1 2 3 4.. 5 yeah ur right
Spider-Ham: *won’t get out of Peter’s way*
Peter B: I’m just about to pick you up and put you some place high so you can’t get down.
Tony: You’re up early
Tony: … You never went to sleep, did you?