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#incorrect peter parker

Peter: Have you guys done your daily sacrifice for the day??

MJ: “daily sacrifice for the day”

Ned: it’s Peter, don’t question it.

MJ: That’s not what I mean.

MJ: Isn’t that the definition of daily tho.

Peter: Shh, answer my question, shithead.

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Tony, sighing: Okay, so tell me. How did you manage to set fire to the kitchen?
Peter: So I was heating my baguette like the good child I am, right?
Tony: Debatable but okay
Peter: But I forgot to take it out of the paper bag
Tony: What?!? So you just threw it in the oven??
Peter: In my defense, I was half-asleep
Tony: How??? It’s 3:00 pm
Peter: Your point?
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peter parker : i’m just over here having an allergic reaction to everyday life

thor odinson : are you alright spiderling?

peter parker : phtttt of not *eating cereal out of the box with chopsticks*

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the avengers as texts i’ve sent

ib: @ssaemxlyprentxss eheheh mwah viv <3

peter: nO FUCKING WAY YOU BOUGHT A SPACESHIP-

stephen: the mere sight of anything that has to do with anyone else besides me makes me want to walk into the ocean

tony: trauma didn’t make me stronger it made me funny

steve: if any british fuck decides to come at america be prepared to meet my fists of: American Pride sprinkled with a lil bit of Fuck You

natasha: dont fucking play with me asshole, now WHERE. ARE. MY. SOUR. PATCH. KIDS.

clint: i’m done with YALL. YALL PLAY TOO DAMN MUCH. I LEAVE THE GC FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES AND YOU ADD 50 PEOPLE AND START A COLOSSAL MEME WAR-

bucky: hey dont look at me, i thought i’d be dead by now-

sam: shut yo rubbadumdum crusty dusty lookin flat ass the fuck up before i do it for you

rhodey: i’m going to die surrounded by incompetent fucks. what has my life come to.

thor: i’ve said it once and i’ll say it again; I HAVE THE BEST HAIR. PERIOD. END OF DISCUSSION.

bruce: no that’s not how it works jimmy, you dumbfuck wE CANT DO THAT-

loki: i would throw this toaster at you but i’m feeling tired today and would rather not fuck up my nails thank you very little

carol: hey, lesbians have feelings too yk-

valkyrie: being a chaotic bisexual doesn’t make me annoying, it makes me ✨spicy✨

wanda: girl dont make me do it, you aint wanna catch these fuckers

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Tony : hey peter what do you wanna pursue when you graduate

Peter : I wanna become a president

Tony: * proud* awwwwwh

Peter: so I can bring back the guillotine again

Tony : *dialing the therapist* AWWWWWWWH

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