#incorrect peter parker
Tony : *shouting in Italian*
Peter: I know, I'm sorry, Mr. Stark
Steve: You speak Italian?
Peter: No. I just know the phrase, "Are you fucking crazy? Don't you ever do that again!" in every language Mr. Stark speaks.
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Harley: how was the date?
Peter: it was really fun
Peter: we walked around for two hours even though neither of us want to walk anymore but we were both too scared to say anything
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[On a mission]
Bucky: It's so dark in here, does anybody have a light?
Peter: I got this! Lemme just-
Sam: If you stomp your light up sneakers I will tell Stark you were the one who blew up the lab.
Peter: *gently sets his foot down*
Bucky: *confused old man noises*
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Tony: Who hurt you?
Peter: Do you want a list or what?
Tony, getting his blasters ready: Actually, yes.
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Peter, high pitched: Hey Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!
MJ, in a deep voice: Nonsense, Barbie. You are staying home to take care of the kids.
Tony: What are you two doing?
Peter and MJ, in sync: Playing systematic oppression.
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Wanda, just chilling in Westview: *hears knocking*
Wanda walking out of the reality bubble: What the hell?
Peter Parker: Hey, I heard we were pretending our loved ones didn’t die? Can I come in, I’ve always wanted to be in a sitcom.
Peter: Can we change it to the Office?
Wanda: Sure, come on in.
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Shang-chi: We need a distraction.
Peter: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?
Katy, whispering: My time has come
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Peter: So what if he wins again?
Steve: We suck it up, I guess.
Bucky, cleaning his favorite shotgun: Not my first president, won't be my last.
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Peter: Do you think the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are real, Mr Stark?
Tony: Probably no-
Peter: Because the thing is they're mutated teenagers, I'm a mutated teenager, they're ninjas and I can do some sick flips, I think we'd get along great.
Tony: ... kid, is this why Karen has told me you've spent the last 3 nights in the sewers?
Peter: I'm going to find them, Mr Stark.
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Gwen: Alright. Time for a new team-bonding exercise. We’re going to put everything we love into this box.
Peter B: Can I put Miles in the box?
Peni: Can I put Miles in the box?
Noir: Can I put Miles in the box?
Spider-Ham: Can I-
Gwen: No one can put Miles in the box!
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Peter: *eyeing Shang-Chi suspiciously*
Peter: so you know martial arts huh?
Shang-Chi: of sorts, yes.
Peter: could you take Natasha in a fight?
Shang-Chi: absolutely not, wouldn’t even bother trying.
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Peter: *rollerblades into his therapist's office with a booster juice and a bedhead*
Peter: Alice, you are not going to fucking believe this.
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Tony: Superhero scenario: You’re fighting a criminal, who you realize is your dad. How do you handle the situation?
Peter: Well, first, I would be like, “Dad, you’re alive?”
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Peter, to Ned while lying face down on the bed, regretting everything: And then I called him dad.
Tony, to Rodhey while trying not to cry: aND THEN HE CALLED ME DAD!
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Peter: Sometimes Mr. Stark asks “What do you think you’re doing?” But that just means stop. He doesn’t actually want to know my thought process.
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Tony: What are your three best qualities?
Peter: I'm bisexual, I have soft hair and sometimes I cry because I love my friends.
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Tony: Hey kid you should really read those novels, they’re classics.
Peter: No thanks Mr. Stark, they just seem really long and boring.
Tony: What’s that you’re reading there?
Peter, mumbling: ...a 500K slow burn Star Wars fanfic...
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Peter: The results are in, I’m afraid you have updog…
Loki: What’s updog?
Peter: Ned! Get in here, I told you I could do it!
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Peter: So um... Cap I bet in your time you were a bit of a ladies man you know... You have the looks... and everything. I just wonder if you could give me any advice on how to talk to girls?
Steve: Oh I see
*places hand on Peter's shoulder*
Steve: Peter I'm gay
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Peter: I have my "Spidey Sense" it tells me when I'm in danger.
Tony: I have my "Peter is a Dumbass Sense" it tells me when he's about to die from his own stupidity.
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