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#incorrect snape quotes
zealouspickleeggdragon · a day ago
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Lucius: My dear, I’m afraid we cannot mansplain manipulate manwhore our way out of this.
Snape[pulls out knife]: Manslaughter it is.
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incorrectsnapequotes · 2 months ago
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Ron: who do you think Snape hates the most?
Harry: easy, me.
Hermione: I reckon Neville could give you a good challenge though.
Snape overhearing: jokes on you, it’s myself.
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wingardiumhogwartsosa · 5 months ago
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Harry : This is Snape’s tears
Y/n : Wh- what?
Harry : His memory
Y/n : Let’s see then
Harry : *puts snape’s tears into the thing that I forgot the name of*
Snape’s Memory :
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mrsseverussnape · 9 months ago
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👩🏻‍🦳HP Characters As The Golden Girls Quotes👩🏻‍🦳
Severus Snape:
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Marauders to Severus:
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Lucius Malfoy:
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Voldemort:
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Peter Pettigrew:
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Albus Dumbledore:
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Harry Potter:
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Draco Malfoy to Gryffindors:
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Taglist:
@snapefiction @lizlil @elizabeth-baelish @misselsbells06 @mais-e @lunnybunny12 @stingingwolf @anfre109
If you wanna be on my taglist, let me know
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lex-the-pan-baby-witch · a month ago
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More incorrect quotes
******************************
Severus: Start talking!
James: Well, I-
Severus: Shut up!
*****************************
James: This date is boring!
Severus: This isnt a date. I said I was going to the store.
James: Then why did you invite me?
Severus: I didnt, I specifically said "dont come with me" then you said " fuck you Severus I'll do whatever I want!
****************************
Severus: Bro-
James: No, no, hold up, rewind.
James: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me bro??
***************************
Sirius: Oh, my God. Do you know what this is?
Severus: It’s a book. There’s a lot of those in here, this is a library.
**************************
James: Can I ask a dumb question?
Severus: Better than anyone I know.
*************************
Remus: Why should I make my bed, when I'm just gunna unmake it to sleep in it anyways?
Severus: Why should I feed you if your just gunna die anyways?
Remus:
Remus: I'll go make my bed-
************************
Severus: Remus, get that hidious thing out of the living room, would you?
Remus: Sirius, Severus wants you to get out of the house.
***********************
Remus, bursting into the room: You two are having sex!
Severus, not looking up from their book: Really? James, why didn’t you tell me? I would have put my book down.
**********************
Sirius: It’s impossible to make a sentence without using the letter a.
Severus: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Here’s one more to further disprove your theory.
James: Fuck you.
*********************
Sirius: Severus, I am questioning your sanity...
James: I never questioned it, I knew their sanity was missing from the start.
********************
James: Remus, I’m afraid.
Remus: Just stay close to Severus.
James: That's why I’m afraid.
*******************
Remus: And now for a gay update with Severus and Sirius.
Sirius: Getting gayer.
Remus: Thank you, Sirius.
******************
Remus: H-how do you ask someone out?
Sirius: Well, first-
Severus: Don't ask him, he asked me out in a McDonalds parking lot.
Remus: ...And you said yes?
*****************
James: When you work at lush and a customer comes in and bites the soap because they think it’s cheese... this happens way more frequently than you think.
Severus: If you stopped literally presenting soap as deli food this wouldn't happen.
James: Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese?
Remus: Who goes to the store and just takes a bite from the cheese?
****************
Sirius: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
Severus: Okay.
Sirius: And make out during the scary parts.
Severus: Th-
Severus: The scary parts.
Severus: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
***************
Severus: Look, last night was a mistake.
Sirius: A sexy mistake.
Severus: No, just a regular mistake.
**************
Severus, after getting a job as a life guard: Hmm... I wonder what those things at the bottom of the pool are..
Remus: THOSE ARE PEOPLE DROWNING!
*************
Remus: *angrily presses Severus against a wall* WHERE'S THE CHOCOLATE?!
Severus: ...
Severus: Are we about to kiss-
************
Severus: You know you've made it when you see your picture everywhere you go.
Remus: Those are wanted posters!
***********
Severus: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake.
James: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear.
Severus: ...
Severus: You mean ring bearER, right?
James: ...
Severus: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.
**********
*James and Severus looking at a locked gate into a park*
James: Aw. :(
Severus: You know what they say.
James: Please don’t-
Severus: BE GAY DO CRIME! *hops gate*
James: Fuck-
*********
Severus: Watcha doin?
James: Stealing my neighbour’s cat.
Severus: Scandalous.
Severus: Can I help?
********
James: I got grounded for a whole week just because I came home late.
Severus: Well, you deserved it. I mean, getting everyone's hopes up like that and then showing up again.
*******
Severus: What's gone wrong, James?
James: Hey! That’s one hell of a thing to say to a person. Just because I’m calling doesn’t mean there’s a crisis.
Severus: That’s technically true, I suppose. Why are you calling?
James: Well... There’s a crisis.
******
Severus: I’ve never been in a snowball fight before. I don’t know the rules.
James: What?
Severus: Is there a point system, or is it to the death?
*****
Sirius, dramatically: They called me a fool.
Severus, sick of Sirius's shit: They weren’t wrong.
****
Severus: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning.
Sirius: This is a lie.
Sirius: I'm literally dating them. This is a lie.
Sirius: THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS.
***
Severus: You shouldn't be using a straw.
Sirius: I know, I know, it's bad for the environment and stuff.
Severus: Yeah, but I mean... it's a weird way to eat spaghetti.
**
Sirius: We all have our demons.
Sirius, grabbing Severus: This one’s mine.
*
Sirius: What goes up but never comes down?
Severus: The amount of stress you're bringing this family.
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dionysus-lover-ao3 · 2 months ago
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*At some point, at the beginning of Prisoner of Azkaban*
Albus Dumbledore: Once again you won't be the DADA professor...
Severus Snape:
Albus Dumbledore: ...and I'm hiring Lupin...
Severus Snape:
Albus Dumbledore: ...and I won't tell anyone he's a werewolf, so you'll need to brew his potion every single fucking day till the end of the year...
Severus Snape:
Albus Dumbledore: ...also, Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban.
Severus Snape:
Severus Snape:
Severus Snape: Do you even think about other people, Albus? DO YOU?!
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multiphan · a month ago
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McGonagall: I'm going shopping, do you need anything?
Snape: A coffin.
Snape: coffee*
Snape: Either one is fine.
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loner-ravenclaw · 3 months ago
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Umbridge: *being Umbridge*
Severus: I’ll push her off the astronomy tower. If she survives, you tell her it was an accident.
Minerva: Alright
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bigbunchofdunderheads · 8 months ago
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Dumbledore: What time does the Judgemental Express arrive?
McGonagall: Severus gets here at noon.
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severusish · 3 days ago
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madame pomfrey: how’s your headache?
snape: it comes and goes.
harry potter: [comes into the room]
snape: oh look, it’s back again.
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marilynmonore3006 · 3 months ago
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Lily - Is Severus still doing his judgy face ?
Eileen - Lily, you have known him for years
Eileen - just call it his face
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zealouspickleeggdragon · 4 months ago
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Harry [after almost getting himself killed yet again]: Hey, Snape. What’s up?
Snape[signature sneer]: What’s up is my blood pressure, Potter.
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incorrectsnapequotes · 3 months ago
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Umbridge: so, Minerva, I’ve been thinking about firing Severus-
*Snape’s distant voice from the dungeon*: -FINALLY!
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wingardiumhogwartsosa · 7 months ago
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Y/n as a prefect
Draco : Y/n, where is Potter?
Y/n : DETENTION!
Draco : Wha-?
Snape : Miss y/n what are you doing lurking in the dungeon?
Y/n : DETENTION!
Snape : You can’t give me det-
George : *blows up the slytherin dorm* Hey y/n!
Y/n : Hi! Do you want a chocolate?
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moonlightdancer26 · a month ago
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Snape: Is something burning?
Lupin: Just my love for you.
Snape: Lupin, the toaster is on fire.
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lex-the-pan-baby-witch · a month ago
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ScatterPatter incorrect quotes generator
Sirius: What time is it?
Remus: I don’t know; pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out
Remus: *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*
Severus: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING
Remus: It’s 2 am
*******************************
Remus: Severus, stop! This isn't you, you've gone mad with power!
Severus: Well of course I have.
Severus: Have you ever tried going mad without power?
Severus: It's boring.
******************************
Remus: What is your biggest weakness?
Severus: I can be uncooperative.
Remus: Okay, can you give me an example?
Severus: No.
*****************************
Severus, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today!
James: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.
****************************
Remus: WHY. why did you give Sirius a KNIFE?!
Severus: I’m sorry. They said they felt unsafe.
Remus: Now I feel unsafe!
Severus: I’m sorry.
Severus: ... would you like a knife?
***************************
Sirius: Hey, Remus? Can I get some dating advice?
Remus: Just because I’m with Severus doesn’t mean I know how I did it.
**************************
Severus: sirius and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us
Remus: *Sighing* What did Sirius do?
Severus: he chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and...
Sirius: Who wants a steering wheel?
*************************
Severus, in a high voice, holding barbie: hey ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!
Remus, in a deep voice, holding ken: nonsense, barbie. you’re staying home and having my kids
Sirius: what the fuck are you guys doing?
Severus: playing systemic oppression
************************
Severus: Come on, I wasn’t that drunk last night.
Remus: You were flirting with Sirius.
Severus: So what? He's my boyfriend.
Remus: You asked him if he was single.
Severus:
Remus: And then you cried when he said he wasn't.
***********************
*Severus is cooking*
Remus: Any chance that’s for me?
Severus: It’s for James. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need him on my side.
Sirius: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.
**********************
James: On a scale from “damn Daniel” to “fre sha vaca do”, how are you feeling?
Remus: In between “it’s an avocado, thanks” and “how did you defeat Captain America”, but as a solid answer I would say “I don’t need a degree to be a clothing hanger”. How about you, Sirius?
Sirius: Probably “road work ahead”.
Severus: I speak many languages, and this is none of them.
*********************
Severus: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.
Remus: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard.
Sirius: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos?
James: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.
********************
Severus: Why is Remus so sad?
Sirius: he took one of those “Which Character Are You?” quizzes
Severus: And...?
Sirius: he got James.
*******************
Severus: You wanna see how hardcore I am?
Severus: *punches wall*
Severus:
Severus: Take me to the hospital.
******************
Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Severus*
Severus: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.
*****************
Severus, threatening the others with a paintball gun: Listen... Life comes at us fast. We don't know what life is gonna give us... And today, it's gonna give you... a paintball!
****************
Severus: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.
***************
Severus, about Remus: Apparently we’re getting someone new in the group.
Sirius: Are we stealing them?
James: New or used?
Severus: Wonderful responses, both of you.
**************
Severus: *Screams*
Remus: *Screams louder to establish dominance*
Sirius: Should we do something?
James: No, I want to see who wins.
*************
Severus, setting down a card: Ace of spades
Remus, pulling out an Uno card: +4
Sirius, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you
James, trembling: What are we playing
************
Severus: How did none of you hear what I just said?
Remus: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.
Sirius: I got distracted about halfway through.
James: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.
***********
Severus: Tonight, one of you will betray us.
Remus: Is it me, Severus?
Severus: No, it’s not you.
Sirius: Is it me, Severus?
Severus: It’s not you either.
James: Is it me, Severus?
Severus:
Severus, mockingly: Is IT mE Severus?
**********
Sirius: Why are Severus and Remus sitting with their backs to each other?
James: They had a fight.
Sirius: Then why are they holding hands?
James: They get sad when they fight.
*********
Severus: Dammit, Remus!
Remus: What?! It wasn’t me!
Severus: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Sirius!
Sirius: Not me either.
Severus: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?
James: *whistles*
********
James, banging on the door: Severus! Open up!
Severus: Well, it all started when I was a kid...
Sirius: No, he meant-
Remus: Let him finish.
*******
James: Everyone, synchronize your watches.
Remus: I don’t know how to do that.
Sirius: I don’t wear a watch.
Severus: Time is a construct.
******
Severus: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!
Remus: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD
Severus: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING SIRIUS WITH ME
James, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.
*****
Severus: Remus, I'm sad.
Remus: *Holds out arms for a hug* It’s going to be okay.
Sirius: James, I'm sad.
James, nodding: mood.
****
Severus: Listen, I can explain...
Remus: You’re making $500,000 and you’re only gonna pay me $30,000?
Sirius: You’re getting 30 grand? I’m getting $1,000!
James: You guys are getting paid?
***
Severus: I just ended a four year relationship.
Remus: Oh, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?
Severus: Hm? Oh yeah, I’m fine. It wasn’t my relationship.
*Sirius and James fighting from across the room*
**
Sirius: Truth or dare?
Remus: Dare
Sirius: I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room
Remus: Hey James
James, blushing: Yeah?
Remus: Could you move? I’m trying to get to Severus
*
Sirius: Yo is James sleeping or dead?
Severus: Hopefully dead, I hated their guts.
Remus: Yeah, so did I.
James: Okay first of all, fuck you-
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Snape: I forget but I do not forgive
Snape: I'm just walking around hating bitches and I can't remember why
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gryffidnorgranger · 7 months ago
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Snape: I hope you know that you have ruined my day
Snape: and the rest of my life bcuz I never let things go
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mrsseverussnape · 8 months ago
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Severus: No one really likes me *sigh*
Snapedom: Are you sure?
Severus: Yeah…
Snapedom: *aggressively pointing at themselves* ARE YOU REALLY FUCKING SURE ABOUT THAT!?
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bigbunchofdunderheads · 10 months ago
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Dumbledore: My staff is comprised of fully functioning adults and outstanding teachers.
Snape: Oh? Did you fire us all over the summer?
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