Natasha: 'Sup heteros?

Tony: *spitting out his water, extremely offended* Bitch what the FUCK did you just call me?

Steve: Language! Although, seriously, what was that about?

Bruce: Literally none of us are straight. 

Thor: You can say that again.

Clint: That again. 

Natasha: I miss Barton.

Steve: You still have me.

Natasha: It’s not the same. I can talk to Barton about things I can’t talk to you about.

Steve: Like what?

Natasha: Annoying things you do.

y/n : Croissants: dropped

nat: Road: works ahead

tony: BBQ sauce: on my titties

wanda: Shavacado: frea

wade : Miss Keisha: fuckin dead

steve:

steve, grumpy: I didn’t understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

Vision: ...... and when I go near her my heart pounds and I get really nervous

Steve: Aw you’re in love with her! Good for you! That’s so sweet

*Meanwhile*

Wanda: Yeah like my heart goes really fast and my palms get sweaty whenever he’s around?

Natasha: Yikes, I’d avoid him if I were you. That sounds like an allergic reaction to me. Do you have a vibranium allergy?

Inspired by @incorrecttonks

(Steve and Clint return after a mission)

Steve: Well, we lost Nat.

Bruce: HOW DO YOU LOSE A WOMAN?!

Clint: You forget to cherish her.

Steve: Natasha, where are you going?

Natasha: To seek the company of the only one around here who's got any sense.

Steve: And who's that?

Natasha: Myself, Steve.

Sam: Welcome to the 'Fuck Bucky' support group, where we gather to say a collective 'fuck you' to that stupid asshole. But first, a few words from our newest member!

Steve, gathering his stuff to leave: I think I may have misunderstood the purpose of the group, sorry

Tony: it’s 3am can you be any louder?

Peter: *shrieks*

Tony: *shrieks louder to establish dominance*

Steve: guys please

Imagine Steve and Tony having a discussion before bed

Steve: Tony I'm worried about Peter.

Steve: Ever since quarantine started and the school closed and the significant decline in crime, he's been behaving more and more erratically.

Tony: I think I know what you're getting at. Just look at this perpetual motion machine he built for me! *gestures to machine on his lap* It just keeps going faster and faster!

Steve: *Looks out the window* Yeah and right now he's flying a kite outside in the dark...

Steve: *opens window to shout* Peter come inside, your father and I want to talk to you!

Peter: *spidy climbs the house wall up to the window so he can keep flying the kite*

Peter: Yeah, pops? What is it?

Steve: Peter we-

Tony: *cuts steve off* YOUNG MAN, IN THIS HOUSE WE OBEY THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS!

Steve:...Tony, are you gonna join us for this meeting or not?

Tony: I’d love to, Capsicle. But I have a date. You kids have fun and I’ll catch up later!

(Tony leaves)

Steve:...OK, fine. (to the other Avengers) So what we know about the facility is that they have an invisible laser grid across the entire outer property that is easily set off by movement. They also have concrete walls that are fifty feet high and thirty inches thick. And machine guns at several security posts to shoot at incoming air targets and land targets.

Natasha: I didn’t train to be a ballerina and a spy at the same time so I WOULDN’T ever have to get through a laser security grid, Steve. Piece of cake.

Thor: Banner and I will have a grand time smashing through those walls!

Sam: Yeah, and Pepper and I can fly overhead with Tony and keep the gunners busy while you guys get to the facility on foot.

Steve: Sounds good. Bucky, what do you think?

Bucky:...Did Tony just say he has a date?

i just had a PHENOMENAL idea for an avengers oc fic

a psychologist discovers/obtains/is born with superpowers and joins the team and it’s just like:

nat: you’re a psychologist right?

oc: yeah...

clint: like a TRAINED psychologist??

oc: yes???

steve: thank god you’re here

bruce: i can finally rest...

oc: what are y’all talking about??

nat: we need your help. professional help.

oc: what—

tony: *walks in wearing sunglasses and iron man themed pajamas* hey bitches guess who just bought netflix because they took night at the museum off??

oc: oh

oc: oh i see

The avengers as John Mulaney Gifs

Tony

Steve

Thor

Clint

Natasha

Bruce

Loki

Fury

Rhodey

Bucky: [Watches someone get stuck in a revolving door]

Bucky: Ha, what an idiot

Sam: Isn’t that Steve?

Bucky, terrified: Oh, God, it’s Steve

Steve: You always see worst in people.

Peggy: Because people are the worst.

Tony: You know, this would go a lot quicker if we did things my way…

Steve: Since your way probably involves explosives, I think it’s safer if we don’t.

INCORRECT QUOTES STONY

Bucky: You hate Sam, right? Steve: No, I like Sam. Bucky: So we're on the same page. 

Natasha: Hey, what is Bucky short for?

Steve: Oh, his name’s-

Natasha: Because he has little legs!

Tony: Is that a hickey?

Wanda: No… I got bitten by a snake.

Steve: That’s a really big bite for a snake.

Wanda: Well, it was a really big snake!

[Y/n enters the room]

Natasha: Hello snake.

Y/n, to Wanda: You can’t lie better than that?

Wanda: Shut up!

Steve: You know what they say: shoot for the moon, and if you miss, at least you'll land among the stars.

Tony: Or suffocate in space, I suppose.