#incorrect tim drake quote
Dick: Hey Timmy, wanna go camping?
Tim: Can’t, busy with WE. But I think the demons free this weekend.
Dick: Damian’s banned from camping.
Tim: How did he get banned from camping??
Dick: He trained an army of snakes to attack some hunters. It was… not a good time to say the least.
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Apology gone wrong
imagine if when jason ended up reconciling with the Batfamily, he goes up to tim and tries to apologize for the whole attempted murder thing and tim just goes ‘no worries dude, it would have been a gift i’m more disappointed that you failed lol’ and jason is just sitting there going. ‘Replacement. Tim. What the fuck.’ and then calls dick going ‘ come get you robin he's depressed.’
so to sum up
Jason: hey i just wanted to apologize for trying to murder you, i know i was crazy with pit rage but i still feel terrible and I-
Tim, very sleep deprived and without a filter: I wish you had succeeded
Tim not fully realising what he said:
Jason: Replacement. Tim. Timbo. What the fuck.
Tim still not fully aware of what's happening:
Jason pulling out his phone and calling dick: So did you know Tim was depressed and Suicidal? Lets keep him away from sharp objects and high buildings for a while k?
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Tim, walking into his house: Hello people who do not live here.
Tim: I gave you that spare key for emergencies only!
Bart, cheeks stuffed like a squirrel: We were out of Doritos.
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Bruce: I'd like to adress the sudden rise in animosity the villains have shown towards Robin.
Jason, just back from a mission: [leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed] more than usual you mean?
Tim: A lot more.
Dick: Dami has recently decided to forget what the villains are called.
Jason: I- wait what?
Damian: [imperiously] I simply decided that memorising the names of criminals was an ineffective use of my cognitive faculties. Better I recall their behavioural patterns.
Jason: What exactly did you do?
Riddler: [appears dramatically in a puff of smoke] Well well, if it isn't the little bird?
Robin: [coldly] Question man.
Riddler: It's "the Riddler"
Robin: Who cares?
Robin: [drops down from the ceiling to interrupt a meeting between Penguin and his people]
Penguin: Great. It's the boy annoyance.
Robin: [cordially] Birdman.
Penguin: I beg your pardon?!
Robin: [without inflection] My apologies. I have come to arrest you, Mister Mumble.
Penguin: Out of all the movies you could have insulted me with-
Poison Ivy: Oh my, looks like a little birdie has come for a visit.
Harley Quinn: [grinning] Nice of you to drop in tweety
Robin: [nods to Ivy] Daisy. [to Harley] Miss Mime
Harley: [cracks her knuckles]
Robin: [throws a batarang at clayface]
Clayface: great. a mosquito.
Robin: ...[with distaste] There is no need for insults, Mudpie.
Robin: [calling in an arrest] Yes, I have apprehended Toto.
Scarecrow: [tied up nearby] Hey!
Joker: [Sees Robin swinging down in the middle of a hostage situation] Oh look! it's the cavalary...'s pet.
Robin: [cordially] Mr Quinzel.
Robin: You are Harley's husband correct?
Joker: [furious] no!
Robin: My apologies then. I shall endeavor to use your proper name... ... [frowning] Mrs? You are wearing make-up. Is that it? Mrs Quinzel? I did not mean to assume.
Joker: [frothing at the mouth]
[back at the meeting]
Tim: to be fair he only does it when they misname HIM.
Damian: I have a name. It is rude not to use it.
Bruce: Damian. There has been seven attempts on your life this week alone. Stop.
Bruce: [grinds his teeth]
Dick: Actually, what ARE Joker's preferred pronouns? Has anyone asked?
Jason: [munching down a power bar] It's Fuckface McKidkiller
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plot twist: bruce knows exactly what a thot is.
the one where bruce deliberate uses internet slang to annoy his children
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Black Mask: I lured you all to my lair because I crave the deadliest game.
Jason, nodding: Knife Monopoly.
Black Mask: I was actually going to hunt you all for sport, but now I’m interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is.
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*In the middle of a big supervillain battle*
Bart: Sorry I'm late, but I brought reinforcements.
Cassie: Great. Is it Robin?
Bart: He was busy, so I brought the next best thing.
Duke Thomas: Hey.
Cassie: The Signal? Imp, the next best thing would have been Batgirl!
Duke: Normally I'd be offended, but that girl is crazy strong.
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At the Watchtower
Clark: [congenially] So how are things at home?
Barry: [under his breath] god it's like you never learn
Bruce: [flipping through a report] The kids are fighting
Clark: What's it about?
Bruce: The Kennedy assassination
Clark: [pauses] I- was not expecting that
Bruce: It's fine. It's nowhere near as bad as the war of the roses altercation
Bruce: That's two weeks of my life I'd rather forget
Barry: Do your kids just... find things to fight about even when they're not actually mad at each other?
Bruce: I raised them to be argumentative
Bruce: It fosters critical thinking and independence
Bruce: I will admit that I did not entirely think this philosophy through when I initiated it, but to be fair I only had the one child at the time.
Bruce: [answering his phone] Yes, Damian?
Bruce: [sighs and keeps flipping through the report] I'm sure you can look up the exact distances involved online
Bruce: No I don't- wait, Tim is arguing WHAT?
Bruce: How would that even- no wait, put Dick on the phone
Bruce: Dick, did Jason manage to get Tim on his side in arguing that the Kennedy assassination was faked and JFK got extensive plastic surgery and is now a Canadian Country singer?
Bruce: What do you mean "they made a good case"?
Bruce: No! It isn't probable! It's not even feasible!
Bruce: You're a detective!!
Bruce: DON'T YOU QUOTE SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE AT ME
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“Boys, let’s just try not to expose our secret identities every other week. That’s all.” | a social media au
In which Bruce Wayne asks a question he never gets an answer to
P.S. Being a furry is valid, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it! I’m sorry if someone got offended by the joke, it was sincerely not my intention.
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Tim, from a nearby rooftop: Ask him if he took my Batburger coupons!
Based on this wonderful post by @jakascoo
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*The team is over at Tim's house*
Bart: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?
Tim: ... N-No...
Tim, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???
Bart, motioning to his kitchen: Three, I thought!
Kon: I see a-
Tim, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.
Bart: Oh, well I-
Tim: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*
Tim, amazed: Its got a bake setting!
Cassie: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!
Cissie: Do we- Do we rock-paper-scissors for who gets to pick first?
Tim: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to play for anything!
Tim: I am someone who owns four ovens...
Tim, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...
Tim: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...
Greta, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!
Bart: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!
Tim, fucking ECSTATIC: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS!!
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[Caught by Penguin's goons and tied to chairs in a warehouse, waiting for the cavalry]
Red Robin: I'm gonna say it. Shakespeare is overrated.
Red Hood: Ok, first of all: how dare you. Second of all: how DARE you?
Red Robin: He's boring and Romeo and Juliet is ridiculous bullshit.
Red Hood: Counterpoint. Romeo and Juliet was always meant to be satire and if you read it with the knowledge that teenagers are idiots it's actually a fantastic, mean commentary on teenage romance.
Red Robin: The only way I'll accept that argument is if he was purposefully making fun of a particular pair of teenagers that he knew in real life and "Romeo and Juliet" was really Shakespeare being petty and mocking his cousin or something.
Red Hood: You- yeah that would be great actually.
Red Robin: Right? Still, my original point stands: Shakespeare is given way too much credit. So he invented some words. big whoop.
Red Hood: He basically invented the English language!
Red Robin: He better have considering the lenght of some of the monologues.
Red Hood: Look, thanks to Shakespeare we get to study dick jokes in school. There are so many dick jokes! How can you NOT like him?
Red Robin: One would think you'd be over Dick jokes, growing up in our family.
Red Hood: Well where do you think I get most of my material??
Red Robin: I'll concede that Macbeth is okay, but the rest of his tragedies? I mean, Hamlet? More like Ham-let-me-out-of-this-AP-English-class
Red Hood: One, that was sub-par and I expect better from you. Two; are you seriously going after HAMLET?
Red Robin: [snorts] Of COURSE you would enjoy a play about a death-obsessed dude with daddy issues and a thirst for revenge.
Red Hood: OK, POINT! But I'm still HELLA insulted. And Shakespeare is a master at exploring the human condition!
Red Robin: [rolls his eyes]
Red Hood: [to one of the Henchmen guarding them] Hey, you! With the ski-mask and bad enough judgement to wear sneakers to a gunfight!
Henchman: Uh... yea?
Red Hood: Back me up here. Shakespeare is a cultural icon.
Henchman: well, uh, he always kinda bored me in school
Red Robin: A-HA!
Red Hood: Oh shut up. Since when are Penguin's goons the go-to authority on literature
Red Robin: Since Shakespeare gets way too much credit because of fanboys like you.
Red Hood: Says the man who CRIED about the Hobbit movies. Several times.
Red Robin: THEY RUINED IT. EXCELLENT PRECEDENCE, EXCELLENT SOURCE MATERIAL AND THEY-
Boss Henchman: [barges in] what the fuck is going on in here? Who's making so much fucking noise?
Red Hood: [inclines his head towards Red Robin] Red Robin here thinks Shakespeare is overrated.
Boss Henchman: [immidiately involved] YOU'RE INSULTING THE BARD? HE BASICALLY INVENTED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Red Hood: [mimicking Red Robin] A-HA!
Red Robin: Look, if you want to stan an author who made a comedy about gaslighting and subjugating a woman through marriage be my guest but I'm different
Boss Henchman: That's a bullshit argument
Henchman #2 -a woman: Nah, he's got a legit point.
Red Robin: Thank you!
Red Hood: One bad play doesn't mean you can diminish the impact of his work as a whole
Red Robin: Oh CAN'T I?
Boss Henchman: I will not stand here and see the Bard slighted in my own house- warehouse- whatever!
-----20 minutes later-----
Boss Henchman: -HISTORICAL CONTEXT
Red Robin: SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A SEXIST APOLOGIST WOULD SAY
Red Hood: THAT'S NOT EVEN-
-----40 minutes later-----
Boss Henchman: SHAKESPEARE SHOWED ME THAT WORDS CAN BE BEAUTIFUL
Henchman #1: I WENT TO AN ALL BOYS SCHOOL!! THEY MADE ME PLAY JULIET DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH SHIT I GOT ON THE STREETS
-----70 minutes later-----
Red Hood: YOUNG LEONARDO DI CAPRIO WAS A LEGIT SNACC AND IF YOU SAY ANYTHING ELSE YOU'RE LYING
Red Robin: SO WATCH GANGS OF NEW YORK AT LEAST THAT'S INTERESTING
-----90 minutes later-----
Red Robin: THE FUCKING BARREL SCENE!! WHAT EVEN WAS THAT?!!
-----2 hours later-----
Red Hood: HE TAUGHT HISTORY TO THE MASSES!
Red Robin: HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO SLEEP IN CLASS WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT IS WHAT HE DID
-----2,5 hours later-----
Boss Henchman: [pointing a gun at Henchman #1] HOW DARE YOU CALL OTHELLO A LI'L BITCH-
Henchman #2: [Hits Boss Henchman over the head with a chair] JUSTICE FOR KATHERINA
Red Robin: [Cheering] GET HIM, SUSAN
-----4 hours later-----
Bruce: [tiredly, rubbing the bridge of his nose] Ok, tell me again how you managed to escape.
Tim and Jason: [glancing at each other]
Tim: First off, I'd like to state for the record that we had everything perfectly under control.
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the batfam clowning the joker is the best thing i've ever come up with
join the batfam server
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Tim: day 89 of convincing Damian that Alfred is a robot: i've got Jay and Kon with me and we've told Damian that Alfred is programmed into the house
Jason: Alfred can you open the window in my bedroom?
Alfred, in the kitchen: Yes master Jason
Conner: *opens the window then hides*
Tim: Alfred can you prepare some coffee for me?
Alfred: Of course Master Tim though i must remind you caffine is not the best for your mental state at 9pm - but i shall start it right away
Jason, hiding in the cabinet: *presses the coffee button*
Damian: *confused screeches*
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Y/N, opens the door to see a GCPD officer: Hello officer, how can I help you?
Officer: We’re looking for the son of Mr. Wayne
Y/N: is everything okay?
Officer: No, actually, Mr. Wayne’s son broke the law. Is he here?
Y/N: Uhm which of his sons?
Officer, impatiently: the one who recently committed a crime
Y/N, looking over her shoulder to see Damian, Tim, Jason and Dick sprinting out the back door:
Y/N: I’m gonna need you to be more specific
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Clark: Bruce, this is an intervention.
Diana: It's about the adoptions.
Oliver: You have too many fucking kids Brucie. How do you even tell them apart?
Bruce: [glaring] Oh really? Why don't we ask my children if they think I have a "problem"? Surely their opinion should be considered?
---At the Manor---
Bruce: [to Tim] Do you think I adopt too many children?
Tim: Oh please tell me you didn't. What's this one? Assassin? Alien? Vengeful ghost?
Steph: Vengeful Alien Assassin Ghost?
Bruce: [to Jason] do you-
Jason: I'm here because Alfred made cupcakes. Don't presume that means you can talk to me.
Bruce: Dick! Do you think I adopt too many children?
Dick: You're an adult B. Just remember that if you take in another kid YOU have to take care of it, I've got my hands full with the last one.
Bruce: [to Cass] what about you?
Cass: [signs] I also will not take care of it
Bruce: [to Damian] do I adopt too many-
Damian: Yes. To rectify it, you should disown Drake.
Tim: [from the other side of the room] HEY- FUCK YOU TOO
Bruce: [to Billy Batson] do you think I adopt too many children?
Clark: Bruce, that's not one of yours
Bruce: [confused] what?
Billy: [to Damian] am I adopted now?
Oliver: See, this proves-
Bruce: [to Jon Kent] do you-
Clark: HEY! That one's mine!
Steph: [from behind him, in a creepy voice] Not anymore
Jason, Tim, Cass, and Duke: [chanting] One of us! One of us! One of us!
Clark: [genuinely distraught] Diana! Make them stop! Jon you're not allowed to visit here anymore!
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you guys know exactly what's gonna happen next
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Hey guys, made a batfam as B99 quotes yeehaaaww
part 2 / part 3 / part 4
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this is my formal request for dc to make an animated batfam series
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Cassie: So, have you decided what you're dressing up as for Halloween yet?
Tim: [on his laptop] Of course. We had a whole day seminar about it last month.
Kon: Jesus. You Bats do everything at 150 percent.
Bart: A whole day? Why on earth would it take that long?
Tim: [looks up] Dressing up in Gotham is... tricky.
Cassie: ...yeah. We're gonna need a bit more than that.
Tim: [sits back]
Tim: 2014. Dick dresses up as Bruce Wayne. He completely disappears into the role because playing Bruce is "funny". He accidentally gets roped into a mid-level meeting at W.E. where he agrees to throw out the 2015 budget.
Tim: 2017. Jason decides to piss off Bruce by dressing up as Superman. Since most Gotham citizens haven't really seen Superman, the headlines on November 1st are all about how Superman went on a killing spree and shot three gangleaders.
Kon: [frowning] I don't remember that.
Tim: We killed the story before it reached any further.
Kon: oh. Uh, good.
Tim: 2018. Damian dresses up as Ra's al Ghul. He gets kidnapped from school by the League of Assassins who thinks he's finally embraced his heritage. Before we manage to find him, he convinces them that he is -in fact -a de-aged Ra's. This works, somehow, because he argues that none of them has ever seen Ra's as a child.
Tim: There are definitely parts of Ra's organisation that would not have done well on 'Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?'.
Tim: 2012. Bruce dresses up as a figure skater. Mr Freeze attacks the gala he's at and we spend two weeks burying stories about Bruce Wayne -crime fighter on ice.
Tim: 2017. While the papers are taking photos of a blood-soaked Superman, Dick beats up Scarecrow while dressed as the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. Spoiler arrives to provide backup and accidentally punches the wrong scarecrow.
Tim: 2016! Cass dresses up as Hillary Clinton. Her disguise is so good that the papers try to run a story about Hillary drop-kicking a Donald Trump supporter after Cass stopped a robbery where the guy wore a MAGA-hat.
Cassie: [snorts] Why didn't you let them run that one?
Tim: 2019! I dress up as Spoiler and find out that Spoiler has been hooking up with some guy on patrol and no I will NOT talk about the way in which I found out thank you.
Gar: Hold it, you can't just not tell-
Tim: 2013! Dick dresses up as Red Hood. Meanwhile, Jason dresses up as Nightwing. It was not coordinated. Both of their reputations take a massive hit for opposing reasons.
Tim: Also 2013! Damian dresses up as a cat and almost gets adopted by Catwoman.
Tim: 2019! Steph dresses as Batman and spends the night doing TikTok dances in public places. Bruce tried to deport her but you can't kill a legend and you can't deport a myth.
Tim: 2020! Bruce plans a seminar so we can all discuss and approve all costumes. Everyone is in favor. Duke is unanimously appointed as our judge since he has never caused any incidents. Bruce is unanimously disqualified from speaking at all because he has caused at least five international incidents. And seven national ones, not counting the time with the nun.
Kon: Did- did he dress up as nun, or...?
Tim: I don't want to say.
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