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#incorrect tony stark

pepper over the phone: you have an appointment today for your vaccinations

tony: next time can you tell me 2 weeks in advance so i can mentally prepare myself thanks ✌🏽😙

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Tony: Hi, Pep.

Pepper: Is it true you got with Carol at Hope Van Dipshit’s party?

Tony: Is that what people are saying happened?

Pepper: That’s what everyone is saying happened.

Tony: Well, then I guess that… I guess that’s true.

Pepper: Just because you lost your virginity doesn’t mean you can go…throwing your cat at everybody.

Tony: …I am not throwing my cat at everybody.

Pepper: I had to hear from Maria Hill. Do you know how embarrassing that is? Finding out you slept with some lesbian chick from Maria Hill?

Tony: Must’ve been embarrassing.

Pepper: Why didn’t you tell me you were going? I would’ve come with and held your hair or something.

Tony: Are you really making this

about you right now?

Pepper: You’re starting to get a reputation.

Tony: You’re coming off as a little pious. You’re pissing me off more than usual.

Pepper: I’m sorry if I think it’s a best friend’s duty…to let him know that everyone, and I do mean everyone, is calling him…a dirty skank.

Tony: Well, do you think I’m a dirty skank?

Pepper: You know, I didn’t wanna believe it, but I guess it’s true. That is your identifier.

Tony: *angrily* And you’re a jealous virgin [Hangs up].

Tony: *Voiceover* So…People thought I was a dirty skank? Fine, I’d be the dirtiest skank they’d ever seen.

Tony: [Buys corsets, tight clothing and yards of red fabric. Proceeds to sew a scarlet A in all tops. It’s not going well, various grunts are a result]

Howard: *coming in* Is everything all right? It sounds like you’re having sex in here…which can’t be true, due to the fact that you have a homosexual girlfriend.

Tony: *exasperated* She’s not my girlfriend.

Howard: Hey, no judgment. All God’s children. It’s fine. I was gay once for a while. No big deal. We all do it. It’s okay.

Tony: Dad, can you just shut the door, please?

Howard: You all right, buddy?

Tony: Yeah.

Howard: Give them hell.

Tony: [Smirks]

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Clint, running past: haha, bet you can’t beat me to the hangar!
Tony, scoffing: Peter, hold my beer
Peter: *takes a sip*
Tony: *gasps* peter bENJAMIN PARKER—
Natasha: *takes the drink out of Peter’s hands and sniffs it* Tony, this is fruit punch
Tony: oh right, I forgot that I can't drink beer anymore now that Thor lives with us
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Tony, trying to flirt with Stephen: so, is this like your Time-Turner?! You know, I created one too. But that one works with actual physics and everything. Does yours do it?!

Stephen: For the umpteenth time, your physic laws are possibly because of MY “time-turner”, you asshole!

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Pepper: Your future self is hating you for the decisions you’re making right now.

Tony: *chugging an entire pot of coffee* Bold of you to assume current me isn’t also hating myself for the decisions I am making

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Peter deciding to be annoying and sing the same song for the 5th time that morning: into the UNKNOWWWN-

MJ: Oh my god- I will THROW YOU INTO THE UNKNOWN IF YOU DONT SHUT THE FUCK UP

Ned, holding back laughter:

Peter:

Tony who was about to walk in with snacks:

Tony: *walks away*

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Everyone being around either Stephen or Tony for more than two seconds: there’s something very wrong with you. Mentally, I mean.

Everyone being around Stephen or Tony when they are together: I guess there’s something very wrong with me if I keep putting myself in this situation.

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