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#incorrect witcher quotes

Jaskier is writing in his notebook, Ciri is drawing pictures in her notebook next to him on the floor. Geralt is sitting on the couch watching them.

Ciri: okay, but, if everyone in the world, they all wrote a poem, surely all the poems would be written. You would run out of words and rhymes and-

Jaskier: There are millions, billions, trillions of words! Words to say how many words there are. We wont run out.

Ciri: why?

Jaskier: there are just too many. You could write an endless poem and never run out.

Ciri: why?

Jaskier: even if you could run out of words, you could make up words, it’s just endless!

Ciri: why?

Yennefer walks into the room, putting her keys on the table.

Yennefer, to Geralt: How long’s this been going for?

Geralt: Two hours. Your turn.

Geralt picks his jacket up and kisses Yennefer on the cheek, smiling, then leaves.

Ciri, to Jaskier: but why.

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<p>: <b>Geralt:</b> What were you doing?<p/><b>Lambert:</b> I was teaching Jaskier a few moves with a sword<p/><b>Lambert:</b> Shocker that you haven't taught him anything, Geralt, want the man to be helpless forever?<p/><b>Geralt, who enjoys protecting Jaskier, but is too proud to admit it:</b> No<p/><b>Lambert:</b> So you have other motives, eh? Just want to keep yourself a handsome little damsel?<p/><b>Geralt:</b> NO<p/><b>Lambert:</b> Knew it<p/><b>Lambert:</b> You pervert<p/><b>Geralt:</b> ... Don't you dare tell him<p/><b>Lambert:</b> Buy me ale for a year and you got yourself a deal<p/><b>Geralt, grumbling:</b> Fine<p/><b>Lambert, chuckling after faking out their handshake:</b> Joke's on you, I prefer fucking up your day over free ale. Hey Jaskier, guess what I just found out-<p/><b>Geralt, knocking Lambert out, saying somberly:</b> I have to kill him. It's my only choice<p/></p>
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I have this idea for AU where it is crossover of Witcher and Harry Potter. Kaer Morhen is like Hogwarts and also has four Houses, but these are Witcher Schools, and students are trained to be monster slayers, not wizards. So we have houses:

Wolf - Very professional in combat and very unprofessional on a daily basis. Walking disasters.
Cat - A bunch of crazy motherfuckers, don’t mess with them. You never know what their triggers are.
Griffin - Good guys and badass nerds. Very conscientious and responsible.
Viper - They are quiet, deadly and resistant to bullshit.

(There must be four houses, so Bear and Manticore didn’t count, but maybe I will come up with something)

I still have to think about the setting, but I have this scene in my head (incorrect quote):

Berengar: Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Berengar: So, don’t eat pears and don’t interact with cat that lives downstairs. You can’t trust him.

Lambert: I mean I’ll try, but if he talks to me first I’m not gonna be rude.

Berengar: Lambert cats don’t talk. And you are always rude.

Lambert: Oh, you mean the cat-cat. I thought you were talking about Cat Witchers.

Berengar: Lambert, they’re crazy like hatters, EVERYONE knows talking to them is a bad idea.

Lambert: And how about fucking them?

Berengar: Even I, with my death wish, wouldn’t ever try it.

Lambert: Watch me.


Originally posted by bishopl

btw it’s just an excuse to have Kaer Morhne Shenaningans in Hogwarts AU


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[camping adventures w/ jaskier and geralt]

Jaskier: We dream of the summertime during winter; we yearn for the winter during summer… What fatal flaw hath the Gods injected the human psyche with? Why must we always strive for the things furthest away from us…?

Geralt: Are you… okay?

Jaskier: My feet are cold as fuck, dude!

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Jaskier: Some days I impress myself with how brilliant a musician I am
Geralt: But no one came to your show
Jaskier: Psh, they just couldn't handle my greatness
Jaskier: They'll regret it
Jaskier: You'll see
Geralt: You're frighteningly confident
Geralt: That's what's impressive
Jaskier, shrugging: It's the only way to cope with being an artist
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Here is: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 and Daily Lambert

also Keira & Lambert’s love story, Aiden & Lambert’s love story and… this.

This time I will give you tired Papa Vesemir and bring closer the relationship of Berengar and Lambert as the oldest and youngest brother (don’t judge me, I love both of these salty&bitter witchers).

this one is dedicated to @queenxxxsupreme


Vesemir: I hope you’re not doing anything foolish.

Lambert: I hope you’re not hoping to hard.

Vesemir: Minus 5 points

Lambert: What?

Vesemir: I began to score your behavior. When you’re on 100 points, I’ll make you a witcher.

Lambert: Cool, whats my score?

Vesemir: -1298


Lambert: Do you think sand is called ‘sand’ because it’s in between the sea and land?

Berengar: Lambert, it’s fucking 3 am. Can we please just go to sleep?


Lambert: *starts laughing for no reason*

*Geralt and Eskel start laughing*

Berengar: Why are you all like this?

Lambert: Can I ask you a weird question?

Berengar: Oh fuck, here we go again.

Lambert: Don’t you think “DO NOT TOUCH” is one of the scariest things to read in Braille?

Berengar: Okay, what the HELL goes on in your head?


Eskel: Who knew getting in trouble would be so hard?

Berengar: I gotta give you credit, Lambert. You make it look easy.

Lambert: Years of practice.


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