#increasingly getting more and more Weird Tension with them and distant from them and don't know how to FIX it

[storybook-souls]

sigh okay I'm gonna once again bitch about something that doesn't matter and probably delete this soon

#i just. i think it's fucked up that i mostly stayed in the midwest to be close to my family and yet am Still just #increasingly getting more and more Weird Tension with them and distant from them and don't know how to FIX it #and then the OTHER reason I stayed was for turner which. don't get me wrong i wld never have moved more than an hour away while he was sick #but like in Hindsight i should have just stayed in my hometown until he was gone and *then* moved Elsewhere #especially w covid #but now I'm just...here!! in a city i dont like surrounded by people i dont like and for WHAT! #its fucking me up that i literally have no one to catsit sam when i go see taylor it's like. i have NO one. #who has NO one that they know in their WHOLE city???? #if i had an emergency of any kind i literally don't know what id do! the closest people who love me are over an hour away! #which i KNOW is just how it is for so many people in modern americana and im SO lucky to have family who's Good and who Is just an hour awa #and so lucky to have friends who love me even if they haven't seen me in person for over a year or Ever #so i feel STUPID complaining as i do about Everything in my life but like!! im SAD! #like if im gonna be working a stressful job that isn't getting me Anywhere i could at LEAST have FRIENDS to play board games or have drinks #and i HATE that when i DO get to make plans and see friends i feel like. weird and guilty if i don't somehow Include Everyone or Optimize #bc i get so few days off and everyone is so FAR from me #and i think i COULD make local friends this summer if i really tried but it's hard and idk where to start and also like. #then I'd have things keeping me here and i dont WANT to be here but also there's ALREADY things keeping me here #if i was serious about being Flexible I wouldn't have gotten a cat! moving is HARD! #but like. so what now? am i really just? stuck? do i just STAY here? what am i WAITING for what's gonna HAPPEN #hhh this week sucks. this week sucks!