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#inpatient

It’s sucks how everyone keeps saying “how great you’ve been doing keeping the self harm urges at bay and getting through them” and “it seems like you’re pretty motivated to get to residential” sureeeee if that’s the way you want to see it.

In actuality I need some fucking freedom. I want to drive my car and I want to wait in an enormously long line at Dunks drive thru to have my coffee again, and I want to see my cats and spend a little time with my girlfriend during my free time. I just need a little bit of this before things turn south again and they will. My urges in here keep growing and growing. Seeing other patients giving in to their urges and staff rushing to them is excruciating because the only way I deal with my emotions or really make people understand is by destroying myself. I can’t do it in here to my satisfaction. Sure I’ve done it in the past from stuff on the unit and yes it was bad enough to need stitches and yea maybe I’ve seen that same stuff here but like I said. Coffee. Cats. Girlfriend. Then I can give in to what I really want.

I’ve told people here that I’m worried I’m going to mess stuff up at residential and waste everyone’s time so they know that these are legit fears but like I also know 100% that self harm is not out of my life for good nor am I waiting another two weeks til residential is over to go back to it. So yes I am going to fuck up residential and yes I’ll probably end up back here again. And when I do I’m not holding anything back. I’m not going to be the calm, reserved, “urges at bay patient” I am this time. Right now I have a need that gives me the stuff I’ve mentioned along with self harm. Putting off pathetic attempts of self harm til Tuesday just to get what I really want. Yea I can do that.

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So I got a new roommate yesterday and she’s so nice and my age and it was such a relief. Last night and today have been bad though. When I started feeling like crap last night all I wanted was to go to my room and be alone but.. new roomie. Today they moved her to a single so that all of us would have our own rooms something they were doing til we got swarmed with new patients last night. So now I’m relieved that I’m alone again.

So about last night and today, I’ve had really nice check-in people especially my nurse tonight. It was good to vent to my checkin MHS last night but I was so angry and frustrated (with myself) that I wasn’t really taking in what he was saying. Then my check-in earlier today was one of my favorite MHSs and she was very encouraging. Then as the night went on I checked in with my nurse I felt so understood so I’m just really grateful for the staff and their constant support.

So that’s about it. Still doing TMS. Still planning on discharging and doing residential on Tuesday. Still having self harm urges and suicidal thoughts.. so we’ll see if things go according to plan. I really need to discharge on Tuesday just so I can have some human interaction and a little freedom but at this rate I feel like I’ll just end up back here.

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8•4•20

Yesterday was a pivotal moment for me and my recovery, things are still fucking hard don’t get me wrong. I’m still really struggling with solid food & especially the textures, so my intake has been pretty much iced lattes, naso feeds & fortisip supplement drinks but i’m trying gradual exposure and hopefully my body stops trying to reject solids. But today i had porridge with peanut butter for breakfast and i could actually tolerate the texture and completed my first breakfast since admission!!!

The hospital is still in lockdown, which is really hard because we’re only allowed 1 half hour visit on the weekend. With that being said the clinic is full of the most beautiful, caring people at the moment, and i couldn’t have asked for better people to be stuck with.

I had a inpatient psychologist appointment, we discussed everything; food, little and big t trauma, my childhood, and the pivotal thing, the fact that i really truly do want a family one day. I’ve had heaps of doctors tell me everything from early menopause, pcos, primary amenorrhea, so once the healthcare system calms down and comes out of lockdown they’re going to properly investigate it, i don’t want kids now but i’ve come to the terms that i do really really want to be a mum one day.

And to top it off, my partner is leaving for treatment in a different part of the state tomorrow. I love her with every fibre of my being and i just want to be there to hold her hand through the storm, be her shoulder to cry on, the one to be there for her.

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You don’t know all about fear until you HAVE TO fear yourself too.

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Nothing has ever made me afraid like the posibility of loosing control of myself again. Psychosis is a scary thing, not knowing what you are doing. It is understandable to be afraid of. It is understandable for others to be afraid of it. When the time is right, I will conquer it.

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People aren’t their psychosis, though, and we still deserve respect and love. It is the truest test for someone if they can go through a lot due to an other’s psychosis and still love and respect the other person after the other person gets the proper help. My wife is amazing and a warrior at that. We should still apologize and then sincerely again once we come back to and understand we screwed up. We are attached to our bodies. We have to try to keep it under control. Effort and Love.

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I have faith in everyone, though, but not enough to destroy me. My faith is mostly in God. He is the only reason I finally conquered my schizophrenia and major depression. Literally. Those suicide attempts defied any logic in how they turned out. I was in the right places at the right times WHILE USING WISDOM. God stepped in during those attempts and was like “Nope. I have big plans for you.” He has big plans for us all.

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(Rant over.)

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I love how lenient they are here with not covering up self harm. Why the fuck is it okay for someone to have their sleeves rolled up showing their arms with scars and scratches and what looks like dried up blood. How the fuck is that okay???

The worst part is I feel so guilty about my anger about this because she’s a nice person and she’s only doing something that she’s clearly always been allowed to do here but at the same time where’s your common fucking sense?!

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I think I’m starting to get a grasp of what depression feels like for me. It’s like this foggy headache that doesn’t hurt if that makes any sense? I can feel the heaviness in every part of my body just begging to lay down and go back to sleep.

I was starting to feel a little better yesterday but today I feel like the depression is really bad. I have no interest in reading and that’s something I’ve been doing for the past few days. I’m so tired and exhausted from fighting this thing that I don’t even have the energy to think about self harming here or even letting the suicidal thoughts turn to active ones.

So for now I’m going to turn off the light, set my phone to do not disturb and fall asleep and hope my dreams are better than this shitty nightmare that has become my life.

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So its been nearly a month in hospital. Im on the olanzapine depot injection and I had my first session of ECT on Friday. Am supposed to have my second session of ECT tomorrow but looks like that’s not happening now. I’ve been unwell physically and had a fever and a sore throat and the nurses and doctors got worried so I got swabbed for corona virus. They’ve evacuated a whole ward and put me in it by myself, so the whole ward that’s supposed to hold 6 patients is just me. I have to wear a mask and the nurses are dressed in protective gear. Its pretty full on. I wish the results came back today, I dont believe I have corona virus, but good to check. Im so bored with a ward to myself stuck in one room just watching TV by myself. Its all pretty hectic.

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I forgot how weird my dreams get when I take trazodone. It’s entertaining but very strange and it’d be great if my old therapist would stop popping up in them.

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I swear to god if the residential ends up closing it’s doors before I get there I will probably lose my shit so I guess it’s a good thing if that happens I’ll already be inpatient.

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Ughhhhhh

As grateful as I am for my packages being delivered earlier than expected why does the earlier date have to be on the weekend 😩😩

Last weekend my package was originally supposed to be delivered Tuesday but it came early on Sunday. Because the mail room at the hospital is closed on the weekend it then got bounced around from a couple different local post offices then to the main UPS warehouse in Boston then back to the local post office and finally got here Thursday two days after the original date and FOUR days after the early date. Ugh I’m sorry… I hate myself for complaining about such a trivial thing when the whole fucking world is falling apart. Believe me I know I’m annoying and selfish and concieted and an asshole.

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I just started the 2nd book in The Hunger Games series today and I’m already on page 163!! This is why I chose to continue the series instead of switching to my new books that just got delivered yesterday. For the past week I’ve been reading the first book on my phone cause I had it from a while ago in my Nook app. It worked out cause the unit weirdly only has the 2nd and 3rd book. And as eager as I was to get my new books, not even related to The Hunger Games, I instantly got sucked back into this world. I figured might as well continue the series than read 2 random books and then come back to the series and I don’t even know why I’m posting this??? It’s such a random boring thing and I already had half a post typed up earlier about this but then deleted it and now here I am again 😂😂

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The only good thing during all this is that we basically all have our own rooms. The unit has a bunch of singles and then majority are doubles but because of the virus precautions everyone in a double doesn’t have a roommate and they’re capping the unit the way it is now. So no more admits unless someone discharges..

Gotta find the positive in all this shit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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