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forbidden-sunlight · 3 months

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yandere! literary agent with fem!reader scenario

warnings: implication of obsessive thoughts or love.

There might be potential triggers in this story. If you do not feel comfortable venturing any further, please hit the 'back' button on your mobile device or computer and read something much more pleasant.

You are responsible for your Internet consumption!

Hey guys, welcome back to another yandere fic, introducing Yulian Prescott. I'd like to give a big shout-out to my dear friend @deathmetalunicorn1 for helping me write this and finding the perfect likeness for my character, especially when this idea came to me all of a sudden on a Sunday night when I should be sleeping instead of staying up an ungodly hour.

As always, bullying on here will not be tolerated. If it does happen, this scenario will be taken down. I'm not sure if this will be a series. At the moment, this is just a scenario.

With that being said, sit back, relax, and let's dive into the cutthroat world of publishing.

PART TWO

Yandere!Literary Agent is a man who prides himself on being very good at his job. He represented one of the best publishing houses in the country. Anything less than what he expected from his clients was unacceptable.

If the manuscript arrived in his inbox exactly two minutes past the promised deadline, he would not look at it. If his client is acting like a stupid moron at a function or royally fucking up their reputation by posting something inappropriate on their social media account, he is not cleaning up their mess. He is not their babysitter. They are full-grown adults. And if one of them is not able to produce another book that will actually sell past the number of copies slated to be printed, he will let them go. Call him cruel if you want. Yandere!Literary Agent is simply being pragmatic. He wasn’t cheap. He only wants the best of the best.

So imagine Yandere!Literary Agent’s surprise when a particularly difficult client sent him a completed manuscript. He planned on writing her an email that after much deliberation, it was time for her to find another agent to represent her. The client, Abigail Crowley, had written an adult dark academia trilogy and a feminist retelling of the myth of Theseus, told from the perspective of his lover Adriane. The manuscripts following the conclusion of her last book, however, were complete shit. Her royalties were nearly gone, having squandered them on a penthouse in a high-end neighborhood, the latest clothes, and a wine fridge. You heard him. A fucking wine fridge when she could have replaced that shoddy laptop of hers with something better so she could keep writing books and not have it crap out on her.

Half-amused and half-annoyed at this pathetic attempt to keep her contract with the publishing company from being null and void, Yandere!Literary Agent clicked on the attachment and read it. One page became four, then fifty. He had to force himself to stop when it was lunchtime and he was already at the mid-way point.

This story, it was…good. No, it was more than good. It was absolutely fantastic. And Yandere!Literary Agent did not compliment his clients’ works very often, which meant he believed at this very moment, this manuscript will most definitely become Abigail’s comeback to the literary industry. Book sales would go through the roof, A Netflix deal was also possible. But the first hurdle he had to overcome was pitching the manuscript, and making sure the query letter was at least consistent with the story that Abigail was trying to sell to him.

And he’ll make it happen. He is very good at his job, after all.

Once he had successfully pitched it with a bit of extra charm, he contacted Abigail. She was over the moon, promising to make any necessary edits to the manuscript and it will be sent to him on time. From there, time fast forwarded. ARC books were sent out, Abigail selected the cover designs for the regular and special editions, and a tentative book tour was scheduled. Seven cities, and one international trip, maybe another in the future. Sales for this book were projected to exceed expectations. Yandere!Literary Agent was very confident things would go smoothly from here. At least he had thought so.

A month before the book was to be published, his secretary knocked on his door and said he had a visitor. They insisted on seeing him. Yandere!Literary Agent raised his brow, rising from his desk and stepping out into the hall and saw you.

In the beginning, he will begrudgingly confess that his first impression of you was someone who is painfully average and out of place. A backpack slung over your shoulder, dressed in navy blue medical scrubs and looking absolutely haggard. Your eyes, though, shined with anxiety and determination. You inclined your head.

“I apologize for the sudden intrusion, I know you’re busy, but I have some concerns about the book that’s going to be released soon by Abigail Crowley.”

Yandere! Literary Agent’s gaze sharpened.. “And what, pray tell, are your complaints?” He crossed his arms. “Are you one of the people who had signed up to be ARC reader and didn’t get their copy?”

You raised an eyebrow. “...No?”

“Then why -”

“Because it is my novel that is being published. Without my consent.” You sighed, running a hand through your hair. “Look, I know it is hard to believe, I get it.” You then swung your backpack around to your front, unzipping the larger compartment. You pulled out a large notebook, some papers, and a flash drive. You held them out to him. “But I think what I have here might convince you to allow me ten minutes, if not five, to hear me out. That’s all I’m asking. This isn’t about money, this isn’t about suing your company. I just want my story back. I’ve already tried talking to Abigail about it, and she isn’t picking up my calls. Please.” You said. “Three minutes.”

His schedule was clear until the two o’clock meeting with another client on the other side of town. That was about an hour and half from now, as he had just come back from lunch. He supposed he could give you three minutes. Rolling his eyes, Yandere!Literary Editor swiveled on his heel.

“Let’s see what you have. Melissa, please hold my calls until I’m done.” His diligent secretary nodded and went back to her desk. You followed him like a lost little duckling back to his office. Once the door was closed, you handed him everything.

Yandere!Literary Editor went over the materials carefully, flipping through the pages of the notebook. The outlines and character designs were here, all written in excruciating detail and in such tiny print. He asked you random questions, going off of his memory from the manuscript and these notes. You answered him without hesitation.

“Yes, that’s correct. What? No, absolutely not. I would never have those characters be romantically paired up! Their relationship is too toxic, and wouldn’t set a good example to the target audience. I’m sorry, what? No, that isn’t her name! It’s Cristabel, not Anastasia! She’s supposed to be assisting the Night Emperor with collecting intelligence via the gossip of salons under her alias, not swooning over his brother when he’s already happily married to his wife! Good God, no. That scene should not even be there! That’s filler content and makes the character growth of the protagonist seem like the pay-off wasn’t worth it, or that he didn’t learn anything at all since the beginning of the book!”

Yandere!Literary Agent grounded the molars of his back teeth, inhaling slow, deep breaths through his nostrils. Keeping his emotions in check is one of the reasons why he has survived in the publishing industry for this long, and he’s such a successful man.

But hearing you speak about the characters, perfectly recalling the manuscript’s themes and looking back at the notebook in his hand, seeing the colorful sticky notes with edits and improvised scenes written on them…he couldn’t deny it any further. You were the real author of the book he’s representing, and Abigail Crowley played him like a goddamned fiddle.

If this wasn’t enough damning evidence of his client’s plagiarism, you had shown him an original illustration of the world you had created. It was done by an artist you had commissioned on Etsy, with proof of purchase for their services and a timestamp. Three years ago. That was when Abigail’s last best-selling book hit the shelves, and when her creative well began to dry out.

You must have caught on to his irritation, because you told him that you weren’t here to intentionally stir up any trouble. A coworker had told you about Abigail’s newest book coming out, and the premise was exactly yours, at least what was advertised in the BookTok and Youtube trailers online. You’ve been searching high and low for your manuscript, and the only other person who has been in your apartment and knew about your creative endeavors has been Abigail. She wasn’t really your friend, per say. You took some of the same creative writing courses. You eventually found another career to pursue, and you kept writing as a hobby. She went on to become a professional author and never missed an opportunity to show off her success whenever she invited you out for drinks at an upscale bar or went to fancy dinners.

Why would Abigail steal the book you’ve been working on for three years when you work a full-time day job, you had no idea. She’s living the dream that she’s always wanted, defying her mother’s wishes to get a normal job because writing is everything to her, and she would never give up on it. But if you were to be hypothetical, it might be another attempt to somehow get one up on her self-proclaimed rival, Cindy Chen, who is an even bigger success than her.

You then rubbed your eyes. “Sorry, it’s been a long day.” You murmured, standing up from your seat. “Keep the notebook, the maps, whatever you want. If you could return them to me when you’re done, that’s all I ask. And an apology from Abigail, if you’re able to get one out of her. Like I said, this isn’t about money, royalties, or fame. I just want my story back.”

Yandere!Literary Agent immediately stood up, his eyes slightly widened in fear. “Wait, please, just a moment! I know you’re tired, you want to go home…but I need to set things right. If I had known that this manuscript, your story, had been stolen, I would have never spearheaded its publication.” And he wouldn’t have. Not only would it affect his reputation, but the company’s too. Stocks would plummet, and there would be a feeding frenzy on social media with #abigailcrowley, #plagiarism, #sailboatpublishinghouse.

When you looked at him, his heart lurched uncomfortably at seeing your lips fall into a crestfallen expression. You looked so tired, so done with everything, and oh god you looked like you were about to cry shit. Walking around his desk, Yandere!Literary Agent eased you to sit back down and quickly prepared an espresso, possessing a machine to make it in his office so he did not have to walk down five flights to the break room.

You thanked him for the drink and took a sip, wrinkling your nose slightly, no doubt surprised at the taste. You must not be a regular espresso drinker, or prefer how you made it. Either way, he was grateful that you did not bolt out of the office. Picking up his office phone, he dialed Melissa’s number.

“Call all of the heads, including the marketing and social media departments. This is an emergency meeting. Now!” Bless Melissa, she did not ask him questions and said she would get on it immediately, hanging up on him. The next person he called was Abigail fucking Crowley. He sweet-talked her into coming to the office, apologizing for interrupting her ‘creativity time’ and promised it won’t take long. She swore to be there in a half an hour, so long as traffic didn’t back up. Yandere!Literary Agent played the understanding card and hung up, his smile being replaced with a smirk. Hook, line, and sinker. He scoffed. He then turned to you.

“Everything will be resolved soon.” He promised.

“Sir -” You began.

“Yulian, please.”

“Mister Yulian, I understand that you want to make things right, but…can you really get Abigail to talk? She blocked my calls, and the book is hitting the shelves in a month, maybe less than that? How are you going to recover the money that has gone into getting it published, the fees for the printing companies, and the marketing? Correct me if I’m wrong, I’m not too familiar with how publishing works these days.”

You weren’t wrong, at least in the aspect that the company has put a significant amount of money into the publication of the stolen manuscript, your work, he added mentally. It was too late to stop the printing, and the final draft would need a significant amount of changes. Unless…

“Abigail is a plagiarist, and you are the rightful creator. The way I see it, we can salvage the financial loss by putting your name on the cover, and fixing the glaring omissions as well as other scenes you claim shouldn’t even be there.” He sighed, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Of course, we would need to have a press conference and explain why we are changing authors, and what she has done. Considering the timetable and coordinating with the printing companies, it will be cutting it close.”

You stared at him silently for a long moment before placing the espresso cup back onto the tiny saucer with a soft clink, releasing a heavy sigh. “If I agree to do this, to help with the edits, probably fuck up my sleeping pattern and might potentially be fired from my job unless I can use some of my PTO, what will I get in return?”

He smiled. “Abigail will be the one to pay for publishing and marketing fees. I can extend the deadline for the revisions by a week. And you will be paid for your time, of course. There will be no need to come here to drop off revisions either. All correspondence will be through email. As an agent, I am qualified to be your representative during press conferences, so you will not have to be present. All I would ask of you is to turn in the final manuscript on time and not say anything on social media until our legal team is fully prepared.”

“No need to worry about Twitter or Facebook. Haven’t logged on to my account in years.” You raised the espresso cup to your lips. “Too much politics.” You tilted your head to the side, a puzzled frown stretching across your face. “Any chance I could get all of this in writing? I might need to get a lawyer if Abigail tries to take it to court and sue me for defamation.”

Yandere!Literary Agent nodded. He opened up a blank document and immediately typed up the contract, including everything that you have discussed and a few other variables. Once he finished, he printed it out, handing it to you. You read through the contents carefully before handing it back to him.

“It looks good - it’s all here and I’m agreeable to the terms.” You said.

Humming under his breath, Yandere! Literary Agent signed the bottom. You signed your name next to his, with today’s date and the time.

He ignored the tiny tingle that crawled up his spine when your fingertips brushed against his as you gave him back the pen. You agreed to stay until the matter with Abigail was over, and he would email you the manuscript so you could go through everything when you get home.

As it turned out, you did not have to wait much longer for the best-selling author to make her entrance at Board Room 3. Exchanging numbers with Yandere! Literary Agent you would wait in the adjacent room until he sent you a text to make your entrance. Melissa escorted you to said room when he received a message from Abigail that she would be here in ten minutes.

It’s time. That was the message he sent you. When you opened the door, revealing yourself to the staff and the flustered Abigail…she snapped.

She rambled how she needed a book, just one more successful book, and she would be set for life. She wouldn’t lose her penthouse, she would still be considered a worthy rival to Cindy Chen, and above all else, she could still write as she had always wanted to do since she was a teenager. You already had a normal job, you had a steady income, you weren’t even a writer. Being a hobbyist writer did not count. Yes, she took your manuscript, but it wasn’t a big deal! You could just write another book when you had time between shifts at the hospital, right?

The look you gave her…it was resignation. Hopelessness. Disappointment.

“Abbie…it wasn’t just a story I wrote. You should know that. Writing is so much more than that. I’ve tried to be nice, to talk to you but you wouldn’t listen. I’m sorry it’s come to this, I really am.” You said. That was the last thing you said before you were escorted outside of the door. Seeing your part in this is over, Yandere! Literary Agent took control of the room.

“Whether it is a hobby or professional writing, it doesn’t change the fact that you stole someone’s work and tried to pass it off as your own.” He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “You are a thief, nothing more and nothing less.” Then the lawyers approached Abigail, presenting her with the fees she will need to pay. If there was an issue, going to court would not be an issue as he had all of the evidence needed to ruin the once best-selling writer Abigail Crowley.

Her reaction was….amusing.

After security had escorted the screaming woman off of the premises, Yandere!Literary Agent went to search for you, thinking you had gone back to his office to wait for him. You weren’t there. Melissa said you did stop by her desk, only to leave a message on a sticky note that you needed to go home but promised to get the revisions done as fast as you could, and thanks for the espresso it was really good.

Yandere!Literary Agent smiled softly at the hastily written chicken scratch, pocketing it in his trousers before going back inside his office. You weren’t like any of his other clients. And he would like to get to know a bit more. Who knows? Perhaps….he could persuade you to sign a contract with him, be your agent. You shouldn’t hide your talents from the world. There were people who would love to read your stories, and he had no doubt that the company would benefit from it too.

But there was no need to rush. There was a month until the book was to be released. That was more than enough time for him to work his magic. He is good at his job, after all.

Taglist

@impeakcharacterdesign

@faesdreaming

@faux-ecrivain

@majestichugs

@abelheilonwife

@suiana

@lxdymoon0357

@dxmoness

@tired-of-life-86

@imperfectbloodmoon

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@beardedblizzardexpert

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@swallowtailcherry

@amidst-the-tempest

@usernames-are-so-hard-to-create

@navierkalani

@yanderefangirl

©️do not repost or use any of the characters depicted here without the author’s permission. forbidden-sunlight, 2024

#forbidden-sunlight #yandere x reader #yandere male #yandere #yandere oc #yandere oc x reader #male yandere x reader #yandere x you #fem!reader #yandere! literary agent #yandere fanfiction #yandere manhwa x reader #ns.fw #tw obsessive love #tw obsessive behavior

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another-lost-mc · 8 months

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a/n: I'm pretty sure I had this prompt in my inbox ages ago but it got swallowed by the internet void.

➤ getting cockblocked at the HoL | azra x gn!reader

0.5k words | nsfw | oral sex

The warm, syrupy pleasure of your impending orgasm dissipates suddenly when Azra lifts his head from between your legs with a rumbling growl. Your fingers slip through his curls and you raise your head off the pillow to glance down at him. "Hey, are you—?" You're panting a little, but then you finally realize what's got him so worked up: the front door of the House of Lamentation slams shut and you hear the indistinct voices of the demon brothers returning home early from RAD. Shit.

"I'm sorry, we were supposed to have more time." You scratch your fingers lightly against his scalp in apology and his eyes flutter closed when he leans into your palm. The menacing growl softens into a purr instead. It's not that he's unwelcome here, not exactly. Sometimes it's easier if you can keep him and certain demons from crossing paths—it really ruins the mood once they start bickering.

He glances up at you and you can tell he's still a little annoyed by the interruption. "I don't care if you don't." He kisses your palm and flicks out his tongue playfully to lick the same spot. "Whatever you want, babe."

Your thighs are still slung over his shoulders and trembling slightly from the pleasure simmering in your belly. His eyes are dark and glittering with lust, and his lips are shiny from spit and slick. His thumbs trace little circles around the jut of your hip bones. He turns his head and kisses your thigh, and your restraint crumbles. "Don't stop."

He looks genuinely surprised for a moment, but the expression passes and his mouth curls into a smirk. He runs his tongue along his teeth so you can see his fangs, and you know he's doing it on purpose just to tease you. "Mm, I was hoping you'd say that."

He sits up and lowers your legs back to the mattress. His hands tighten on your hips and then the world shifts as he flips you onto your stomach. He coaxes you to your knees, and you look back over your shoulder just in time to see him lower his head. "Try and keep quiet, yeah?" he murmurs, his warm breath fanning across the swell of your ass. You exhale shakily and release a stuttered moan as his fingers spread you wide for him. "Don't want the others hearing us. All your pretty noises are mine, aren't they?"

Your face grows warm from the insinuation that you might be a little loud in bed, but then his tongue traces your hole and your body shivers. Desire courses through your veins all over again and your fingers clench the sheets to brace yourself. "Oh, fuck—!" The vibration of his chuckle ripples up your body from between your legs. You bite down onto the pillow just in time to muffle your shout as his greedy tongue snakes its way inside you.

#obey me x reader #my oc: azra #obey me oc #obey me oc x reader #x reader #gn!reader

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atamatajiih · 6 months

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To Hazbin Hotel fans and haters alike, a reminder: you hold very little power over this thing's success and you shouldn't really worry about that either

The web-show pilot turned Amazon Prime animated series Hazbin Hotel by Vivienne Medrano/Vivziepop is scheduled to finally start airing next January after a very long wait since the pilot of the show was first uploaded to Youtube. There's a big crowd who are looking forward to the show, both fans who are eager to spread the love and dedicated haters who are waiting to rip this show to pieces.

I'm not really gonna pour over the reasons why this show has such a strong fanbase and hatebase, because the reasons aren't really important to this message/call out/shout into the void. Good thing is that love is just hate turned inside out and vice versa so these two feelings have a lot in common! To be more specific, both of these emotions require heavy emotional investment. And, as someone who has largely watched The Great Vivziepop Discourse from the sidelines, I can definitely say that both sides are extremely emotionally invested in this show. People who love it really love it and people who hate it really hate it.

Just as I am not gonna go over the reasons people might love or hate Hazbin Hotel, I'm not gonna tell anyone how they're supposed to feel about the show. Whatever your thoughts on Hazbin Hotel are, they're totally valid. Instead, now that the show is only about three months away, I think both fans and haters need to start internalizing one thing about the show before it releases and the floodgates truly open:

You do not have any power to affect the success of this show.

A simple thing, no? Obvious one might even say. And yes, you'd be right. Most people, when they have feelings about a thing, can accept that it's success, or lack thereof, is wholly independent of their own actions. A show doesn't succeed or fail because you, as an individual, choose to support or not support it.

But the thing is, when you become very emotionally invested in something, you start to imagine things. Fantasize a bit about how you'd wish for things to go. And if the posts I've seen online from both fans and haters are to be believed, both groups have stacked a lot of hopes and dreams on how this show's big debut will go.

On one side, Hazbin superfans have painted in their minds a scenario where Hazbin breaks all the records, wins all the prizes, Vivzie becomes the Hayao Miyazaki of indie animation and the Hazbin criticals get owned so bad that they shrivel into dust.

On the other, the Hazbin Hotel criticals have written in their mind another scenario: A24 despises the show, the whole thing falls apart under it's creator's lofty ambitions, the entire Hellaverse universe comes to an embarrasing end, Vizie becomes a pariah and the Hazbin superfans get owned so bad that they shrivel into dust.

And while there's nothing wrong with some flights of fancy like this, the problem is that it seems like both groups are so sure, so absolutely certain that their favored scenario comes to pass, that they have started to essentially treat it as fact, lambasting the other side for being delusional in the face of obvious facts. All of this ignoring the fact that, frankly, both sides are talking out of their ass. The only party involved in this who actually gets to decide whether this show is a success or not is A24, since they now own the series. What anyone else tries to tell you about how the numbers line up is at best making an educated guess or at worst talking nonsense. The circumstances that allowed show X to succeed or show Y to fail are not something you can actually use as a measuring stick when it comes Hazbin Hotel. The measure of Hazbin Hotel's success is not something that some rando on the internet can claim to be an authority on.

Now, this isn't to say you can't have any influence on the show's viewership numbers. A popular post on social media or your talks with people you know IRL can certainly influence a small number of folks to watch or drop the show. However, the actual impact these actions have is breathtakingly small. My current team at work has about 12 people in it and I'm not at all convinced I could easily sway all of them to watch or not watch a show. The exact numbers are all over the place, but Amazon Prime subscriptions seem to be somewhere in the ballpark of 200 million. That's, well, a really big amount. And I feel most of us realize that even the most popular, record breaking post on tumblr is probably not gonna be enough to sway 200 million people into your preferred opinion on Hazbin Hotel. If that huge mass of people has enough people who want to watch Hazbin, you'll have no choice but to accept that. And if that mass doesn't have any people who want to watch it, you'll have to accept that too.

Everything I've said is probably painfully obvious to people, but I have seen both of these groups get incredibly invested in their dream scenarios for how how the big Hazbin Hotel debut will go down, I am starting to really be worried about the folks who will inevitably have their dream scenario come crashing down before their eyes. And someone must, when the possibilities being proposed are either historic success or catastrophic failure. That's why, regardless of which side you're standing on when it comes the Discourse, I am urging all of you to start emotionally distancing yourself from this show, at least to the extent that you can accept the show's actual reality without having feeling emotional anguish. Because placing this much emotional weight on the success of a TV show, something that again, is completely out of your power to meaningfully affect, is just not healthy to you. Whether you love the show or hate it, please start processing the possibility that your desired outcome for it may not come to pass. Entertainment industry is a fickle business and really, as a viewer it's not even your job to really care about how a show is doing, that's the burden of the people working on it. All you need to do is sit back, relax and let your heart fill with love and/or hate. Not to mention the success or non-success of a show isn't even that conductive when thinking about a show critically. A successful show simply means it is popular, it doesn't mean it's good. Is your Hazbin hating heart really gonna step aside and not enjoy ripping this show a new one just because it made money? And of course, vice-versa for the Hazbin stans! Everyone knows tons of great fiction goes underappreciated by the masses, are you really gonna stop filling the internet with your endless gushing and adoration just because enough normies didn't like your hell cartoon?

So, really this heavy investment both sides of the discourse have for the show's future success is kinda preplexing. Discourse is about whether something is good or not! And sales and viewership numbers should barely be a footnote when it comes to that discussion. There's so many more interesting things to dissect in a show. TL;DR: Whether you love Hazbin or hate it, none of us individually can actually tangibly affect Hazbin's financial success, so it's best you stop making up scenarios about it in your head and getting invested in them + it's not like financial success actually matters when you wanna talk about the show's actual quality.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel critical #vivziepop #vivziepop critical #hellaverse #helluva boss #helluva boss critical

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xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx · 4 months

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school and other things

UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH i have to go back to the educational prison that is my high school tomorrow >:/ luckily afterward tho i get to visit my auntie and uncle to drop off some soup. i rlly hate that i cant wear fun tights to school, i have to wear my boring black ones instead of my stripey ones or new cool af skeleton ones! just in general i hate that i have a stupid uniform. only upside is its a great excuse to continue making kandi. welp back to eating lunch in the library and accidently eavesdropping on ppls drama. only good thing abt highschool is everyone has drama and they loooooove to tell it to/around me for some reason. ig i look like i wont tell anyone. i mean theyre right tho i tell my best friend (shoutout to him cause weve been friends for 10 years now, a full decade!) everything but he doesnt kno any of these ppl and neither do u dear follower, at least i hope not. I like the idea of imortalizing my highschool experiance on the internet just shouting my grievences out in the void of 0s and 1s that is the internet. its fun. ill look back on it later in life and maybe cringe but i hope not lol. welp at least im not peaking in highschool! god thatd be so much worse ive heard those ppl never turn out well and seeing the obvi peaking girls in my school i can tell why. i recently got into Class of 09 and its made me think of my high school career, how its going, how it started, how itll end etc etc. kinda want it to end already like cant i just graduate already! its only been a year and a few months but that has felt like decades. "best years of ur life" my ass. only thing worse was middle school. wouldnt do that again for all the love or money in the world!!!!! anyways this blog post has kinda gone off the rails and i kno yall dont read my longer posts so ill end it here lol

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sunlightandswords · 3 months

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My friend and I have been in love for a long time now. We won't admit it. We probably never will. The weight of oppression weighs heavy in a country and culture that does not value those who are different. There are too many years of repression inside both of us and too many painful wounds we cannot heal, and between us there is a gap which neither of us is willing to really cross. I should be angrier, I suppose. But somehow I feel lucky to have him at all. Whatever anger I might have drowns in the blue pools of his eyes. Whatever grief pains me fades with the sound of his laugh. It still sucks, I won't lie. There are nights where I dream of another universe. In this universe, we were born elsewhere. I bring him eggs for the pancakes he's making. The sunlight lights his hair like melted gold. I kiss his cheek. I want for nothing. When I wake up, I check the other side of my bed, and somehow, I always feel disappointed when he isn't there. In this life, I settle for what we have. Little brushes of our hands, when we walk in snowy forests. The gentle way you run your hand through my hair, when no one's looking. The stifling of a flinch when we hear someone shout slurs at someone who can't hide the way we do. The way our eyes meet whenever the topic comes up, a line of tension and resignment between us. The quiet, melancholic acknowledgement that this is how life goes and it will not change for us. In the corner of the room, your fiancée looks at us, knowingly, threateningly. I think of the day you proposed to her, how you called me that night. How your voice was quivering, like you lost something instead of gained something. I think of spending the next two weeks with you every night so you wouldn't have to sleep with her. I think about how you called me and cried after the first night you spent with her. In the corner of my room, my girlfriend tells me to come back to bed. Guilt snakes into me like a parasite. I know she knows. I know your fiancée knows. I know both of them spend nights at church, praying for us to be saved. I know they don't know I kneel at that same altar and pray that we stay damned, if only it means we'll always share something between us. Somehow to me, it everything feels like my fault. Like I am failing at defending you, like I am failing at saving you, but we both know, that there is no salvation from this. We were doomed before our stories ever started. Bear, my beloved, I'll never tell you. You'll never tell me. So I'll tell it here, into the void of an unending stream of information that comprises the internet, where our little story can fade into the collective consciousness of millions of thoughts. I love you.

#doomed by the narrative #queer trauma #mlm

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eliaskahtri · 5 months

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Clap Your Hands if You Believe (Reprise Part 2) || Elias Solo

Location: Elias's Apartment

Timing: After talking with Parker

Parties: Elias (@eliaskahtri)

Summary: Fae are real, and Elias needs to do extra research after speaking with Parker.

Content Warning: None

It’d been an hour after Parker had left Elias with the knowledge of fae. About Aos sí and different types of fae. Those hadn’t been costumes. They were the real deal. Elias had been victimized by people who thought putting a human in a den of fae would be funny.

He had been a joke.

He hadn’t been crazy.

Now back in his apartment, Elias held his phone in his hand. Who did he talk to about this? Would Regan refuse to tell him anything? Was Regan…? He blinked. She had to be, right? She was goofy, sure. But… a supernatural creature? Could she be? Well, for starters, she was Irish. So there was that. Instead of calling someone, Elias opened the internet browser on his phone and typed in Irish fae.

He blinked at the results but settled on a link and clicked.

“Types of Irish faerie:

Banshee- the Banshee is a harbinger of death. Banshees are described as women with ghastly pale skin and hair.”

No… no, surely not.

Elias opened another browser and then looked up Banshee.

Hardly reliable, Elias clinked the Wikipedia link anyway. He read about the banshee scream or wail. He hadn’t heard Regan scream so he couldn’t tick that box. He closed the tab on banshees, then went back to fae overall. He thought back to the woman in the morgue, the woman who had been killed in front of him. She had goat legs. He googled “Faun fae” and read the result.

“The faun is a half-human and half-goat mythological creature appearing in Greek and Roman mythology.”

Alright, so he had a lead. He frowned, thinking of the only reference he had on fauns, that guy from Narnia. What was his name again? Thomas or something? Making a face and shaking his head; that wasn’t going to be helpful.

Elias finally put his phone down and rubbed his face. He would be doing a lot of research into this before he finally spoke to Regan about all this. She didn’t think he was strong enough to handle it. And in a lot of ways, he wasn’t. He looked down at his hands, realizing that he was trembling. He took a shaky breath, then sat on the couch that had come with the apartment. He hadn’t bothered to put any personality into his place. What was the point?

Believing in fae created a multitude of problems in his mind. How was he supposed to live a normal life knowing that faeries were real? How was he supposed to work a normal job and talk about normal things with seemingly normal people when he knew creatures were lurking around concealing their true identities? If fae were real, then was Parker researching werewolves for a real reason? What stopped ghosts and vampires from existing if werewolves and fae were real?

His hands were still shaking, and he wrung them together with knitted brows. Letting out a shaky breath, Elias looked up at the ceiling, debating whether he could handle the information. Deciding it was still too much, he lay on the couch and closed his eyes. It would be better to convince himself the entire day had been one long and terrible dream.

He sat silently for ten minutes before sitting up from the couch, eyes wide. “Fuck!” He shouted into the void, rubbing his hands over his face. He needed to write this down, so he got off the couch and walked over to his desk, where he pulled out a notebook, wrote “Fae, What I know” on the top of the page, and began to write down everything that Parker had told him that day. About fae deals, promises, thank yous, the Aos si, all of it.

No longer would he be in the dark. He’d learn all he could. Even if it killed him.

#Clap Your Hands If You Believe (Reprise Part 2)#threads #solo

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brokentoasterrr · 1 year

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ok listen this has been on my mind for DAYS now so i’m going to shout it into the void and we’ll see what happens.

i have a note on my phone that says “exclude tags ao3” where i have written down every single tag i don’t want to see when i scroll through my favorite ship tags. this means that i don’t see what i deem gross on my feed, because every time i go scrollin’ i make the choice to curate my online experience.

the ONLY time i have ever reported a work on ao3, it was because there was a fic rated teen with tags that were clearly explicit. i didn’t want to read it, i didn’t want to leave a comment on content i wasn’t going to read, so i reported it for the sole purpose of the creator getting a little nudge so they could rate it appropriately.

the amount of posts i see about content being reported because it contains a squick of someone’s is BAFFLING to me. it’s insane that people feel the need to censor content that presumably wasn’t meant for you anyway. you cannot go online expecting the world of fandom bending over backwards to make sure that you’re safe, because guess what! the internet isn’t an inherently safe space! in order for it to be a safe space, you need to curate your own online experience, and if you’re not mature enough to do that, you should not be online. if you cannot see a piece of fiction or art or video edit without feeling squicked, grossed out, angry, or even triggered, then you have to ensure that you do not see it again. not reporting content that is “problematic” or inappropriate or offensive.

and on that note, fiction is allowed to be problematic. it’s fiction. it is not real. i have read fics containing infidelity, age gaps, murder, drug abuse, what have you, and it does not reflect on me as a person, or what i do during my time offline. i have written violent, disgusting fics; fics containing drug abuse, toxic, abusive relationships, but never in my life would i want to embody or experience what i write. i don’t want to bang a married, muscular silver fox as someone who’s much younger, but reading it? why the fuck not, it’s not about me.

i absolutely do not want to read underage stuff, or incest, or mpreg. it’s stuff that i personally think is disgusting and, to some degree, problematic (incest and underage, to be precise, i find very problematic—the rest is just personal preference). in order to avoid it, i filter those tags out. what one person thinks or feels about one certain topic should not affect other people wanting to read/write it.

the lack of nuance i see in younger people when it comes to fandom and content is frankly insane. they seem to draw such a large parallel between the fictional world and the real world, to the point where they’re incapable of seeing and understanding that the two are not one and the same. you can like a character who killed a bunch of people, write fics about it and explore who they are and why they are the way they are, without agreeing with their actions, beliefs, and values. (coincidentally, the same people who despise problematic content like graphic violence or non-con, will also take the murder character and make it into an uwu smol soft boy who just suffered trauma so its ok he’s doing this loki regulus barty crouch jr need i continue but we don’t have to unpack all of that right now)

sometimes it’s fun to be a problematic little rascal and that’s okay, because the outlet isn’t real. the fic isn’t real. it doesn’t reflect on any personal feelings, desires, beliefs, etc etc etc. the art isn’t real. if it feels too real to you, then????? don’t consume it??????? you can’t watch hannibal and then write to the show producers telling them that they’re horrible people because the show about cannibalism and murder contains just that, when you could’ve just stopped watching hannibal and done something else instead.

curate your own online experience.

#fandom rant #fandom disk horse #fandom discourse #anti anti #proship #fanfiction #fanfic #fandom #anti ship #anti proship #antiship

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paperstorm · 9 months

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I think most people think all gaslighting is malicious but it doesn't need to be. Gaslighting (especially when it's cultural) can be done unconsciously or unintentionally, or perhaps even intentionally with an awareness of impacting the other person but not realising that the impact is harmful.

For example - when you try to express an unpopular opinion but it's just dismissed or people behave like they can't understand how or why you could possibly think that, even when you try to explain. Imo ppl often react like that because they don't WANT to put in the effort to understand or deal with the discomfort of a new/unusual idea. They probably don't mean to criticise your intellectual capabilities but if it happens for long enough or often enough, it's easy to begin thinking "I must be dumb/stupid, I must have bad taste, etc."

Another example is when you're trying to get your point across but the other person disagrees with you by addressing everything else except the key point you're making. For example, with the Carlos situation, if someone says "I dislike his s4 plotline cz it doesn't fit properly with the earlier seasons", the general response (not including you in this) is "oh but it's totally possible for someone of his background to do what he did". Um yeah, but that wasn't the point? The point was that the show messed up the execution of a perfectly plausible storyline. But the execution is never addressed generally, instead the discussion is repeatedly directed to the motivations of the character. Which leads to the feeling of "am I shouting into the void? can ppl not hear me? am I stupid for thinking this when most others don't even think the problem exists? etc etc"

Sorry to go off on a rant about this in your inbox. But if always drives me up the wall when people get offended about words like "consent" and "gaslighting" being used, just because they don't realise that there's levels to those concepts.

I think that you're right, there certainly are levels. And some of the things you described could fall under the larger umbrella of the term depending on the specific circumstances. I think people get their hackles up pretty quick tho because gaslighting is a very specific term. It describes a method of emotional abuse where someone's sense of reality is repeatedly called into question in order to gain psychological power over them. It is manipulation with the intent of making them completely vulnerable to their abuser because they can't trust their own mind anymore. And The Internet™ (sweeping generalization, I know) seems to have somewhat decided it is actually a catch-all term that applies to things like any time someone said something that doesn't reflect your perspective or whenever someone disagreed with you and didn't immediately acquiesce when you demanded they change their mind. So people are, understandably, going to be pretty instantly offended if you accuse them of intentional emotional abuse when what you really mean is "you're kind of being a dick."

There is all kinds of dickish behaviour that doesn't qualify as gaslighting, like being dismissive or being unnecessarily rude or arguing with a point someone wasn't making (people do this to me all the time on here so I feel you on that one. The whole "I like mozzarella cheese" "oh so you HATE CHEDDAR???" phenomenon. It is endlessly frustrating when someone is putting words into your mouth and getting mad at you for something you didn't say. It is an unkind and lazy and bad faith way to interact with someone. But that doesn't necessarily make it gaslighting.) Things go both ways, too. People are allowed to just straight up disagree with you and not be interested in taking the time to understand your position. Like it would be nice if they were willing to hear you out and be open to a different perspective, but you aren't entitled to demand that they do so and they aren't being abusive if they don't want to, especially over something as ultimately inconsequential as a difference in fictional character interpretation. People can just say 'I don't agree' or 'I don't see it that way' and move on. Idk. I see what you're saying, I honestly do. And I can see how that would be super frustrating and lead to not a very nice fandom experience. But it's just really complicated.

#911ls asks #911ls discourse #i have to work a lot today so I'm sorry to drop this on everyone and then dip but I have to dip

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toomanystoriessolittletime · 1 year

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Hi! I hope it is not too weird to ask, but I am really trying to understand - I totally get that it is not ok to post something private about Pedro himself and treat disrespectfully him and his private life, call him daddy and seek for his reaction to it.

Although, I've seen people here that say the same but also post fanfiction/gif posts where Pedro characters can be called daddy and/or lot of thirsting takes place. You write fics yourself. I mean, is it different because Pedro boys are fictional characters and the whole point of fic is to be fictional story we'd like to imagine? It's still Pedro impersonating them and people thirst over Pedro's appearance and etc, not somebody else's, while reading those. It's unavoidable to imagine him there, playing the character.

Again, I'm not trying to insult you, in fact I actually love your writing) it's more like I question my morals, as I love Pedro for being sunshine and pretty man who brings joy, but I do love smutty fics with Pedro boys. Many people do, as I see. So I started to think about morality in this. I don't like to read fics about Pedro being a real person, it feels intrusive/disrespectful/inappropriate, as if trying to guess what's he like in bed. Just no.

Sorry for long read, but I am really curious what do you think. Have a nice day✨

Hi!

I will try to answer this the best I can. I have a weird english day today (this morning i thanked someone for his injury instead of his inquiry in a work email and I've been trying not to carve my own eyes out ever since)

I have thought a lot about morals in the last years, it's a big factor of why i stopped writing RPF (let me tell you, meeting the actual person you wrote smut about is the weirdest fucking thing ever).

I feel like in the last years the line between what is normal (boundaries!) and what is not got very blurred? It seems to me that people have no filter, get very invasive and just shout out everything into the void that has become the internet. (and media is not helping with that either)

Like I wrote in the tags earlier today the thing some years back with people finding it totally normal to share the private address of Keanu Reeves to a point that people just showed up at his house (seriously, what is wrong with people?)

There seems to be no boundaries anymore and I hope it never gets to that point with Pedro. Part of me is relieved he has no twitter anymore cause holy crap the things that must be happening over there...

I only see what happens in reblogs. I'm not on tiktok. I only follow like 60 people on here. My instagram is even more dead. And I am glad about it lol

The only place where I really "thirst" is on discord and that's more or less private. To me it's a difference if I say things in private or post them online for everyone (and the media) to see.

And with fanfiction...

Yes you could argue that writing smut about an actor's character is sexualizing the person itself too. But personally I don't think of Pedro as a person at all when I write or read about his characters. I think about what he brought to the character. Yes, they might share his face, but everything else is fiction. Does that make sense? In my head it does.

The last thing I would want from Pedro is to do anything I wrote with his characters about. I would take him out to eat a cupcake and then gift him a spa day so that he can get a massage for his back and after that a good night of sleep. It's really werid if you think about it. His characters could probably have me on my knees with a snap of their finger but Pedro would not get more than a hug lol

Pedro is just the newest person to be hyped on the internet (and with that always comes an influx of people) and after S3 of the Mandalorian things will die down again (mark my words) but i am genuienly concerned for where this will be going in the meantime

#asks #fandom

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classlutup · 2 years

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Saw your post about where the TGM fandom is and if you're using Tumblr correctly.

I have been on this hellsite (affectionate) for twelve years now so let me share my hard earned knowledge with you:

The first thing you have to remember is that your main dashboard has absolutely NO algorithm. Tumblr does not fill your main dashboard with things it thinks you'll like, you have to find your own. Which means everything you see on your dash is totally dependent on who you follow and what they post and/or reblog. Because people will only see your stuff if a) they're following you b) someone they're following reblogs your stuff or c) they come across your stuff when searching through specific tags. Basically, unlike almost every other social media app/site, likes do absolutely NOTHING for engagement. In fact, most people use likes as a way to save something to read or look at later (that's I use them 99% of the time).

Now for tags, keep in mind that only the first 20 tags on a post are used by Tumblr to make your post searchable. Any tag after 20 is you just shouting into the void because Tumblr won't use those. Lots of people also use the tags to add their commentary on a post they're reblogging so as not to clutter up the original post. And lots of people also use the tags to just shout out their emotions and feels into the void as well.

Some people are extremely methodical and super organized when it comes to tagging their posts, while others either don't tag at all or tag randomly and haphazardly. It's also common for people to have a very specific tag for specific types of posts to make it easier for people to both search and/or block certain types of posts. Examples of those would be people having a specific tag for when a post is about their personal life or using a specific tag for posts that are just about writing or tagging all ask answers with a specific tag.

Also keep in mind that reblogs don't show up in tag searches, only original posts do. But it's still a good idea to tag anything you reblog since people can search your blog for specific tags. Another thing to remember about tags is that anyone can see what tags you use on a reblog (you can sort the notes on a post to show you just reblogs w/comments & tags).

And if you really like someones tags on a post you want to reblog, feel free to either copy them into your reblog or take a screenshot of them and post that to your reblog. Doing so is very common and seen as kind of a badge of honor on Tumblr that someone thought your tags were good enough/funny enough to make sure more people see them. Common things to add when doing so are phrases like "why are you hiding this perfection in the tags?" or "you can't just say that and hide it in the tags". It's also common courtesy to tag the person whose tags you're sharing.

It's also common courtesy that if you want to rant about something you don't like you either a) don't use it's tag or b) tag it as anti-X. For example, there is a ship or fandom you don't like and you decide to post a rant about it. Don't tag it "ship name/fandom" but instead tag it as "anti-ship name/anti-fandom". That way your negative post won't show up when people who do like the thing are searching that particular tag.

Tumblr also likes to be really weird sometimes and randomly hide posts from tags for no apparent reason. And since people from all over the world use Tumblr, sometimes you have to post things at different times of day for more people to see it. It's not uncommon to see someone reblogging their own post with a tag or comment that says something like "reblogging for the morning/evening crowd".

Just remember that for the most part Tumblr is a fun and unique corner of the internet. Hope all of this helps! ☺️

Oh wow this is a chunky one I feel like I need to take notes.

So I need to follow people I think are funny, tell people they're funny, show I'm funny, be nice and generally not a dick.

Shouldn't be too hard. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and cross my fingers??

Thank you so much for this lovely long tell, I cannot tell you how much it means to me!!

#learning how to use tumblr #im learning #a03 #top gun maverick #top gun fanfiction #tgm #read my top gun fanfiction please #lead me on a03

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josiepugblog · 2 years

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In the vast and muddled conversation about internet discourse and its ineffectiveness, I think we really need to talk more about how bad it is that the concept of talking to a specific audience has basically entirely collapsed. Outside of closed groups and messaging systems, every post you write (hello, world!) is public, and you essentially have to be writing to everyone all at once. This is not a good thing, and contrary to what some would say, not wanting to talk to everyone at once is not lying or hypocrisy. It’s practical. This megaphone conversational mode leads to bad, unproductive discussions where people who agree get in fights, people who aren’t sure get alienated, and bad actors get to glory in the chaos.

Let’s take three hypothetical real life conversations about abortion, since that’s so terribly relevant right now:

In the first conversation, you say to a person you know to be liberal, who has read up on feminist theory and whom you expect to understand the bodily autonomy of all humans, “it’s critically important that all people with uteruses have access to the right to abortion.” They say, “Don’t you mean women?” You might get some TERFy vibes off of this. They know that uteruses don’t go hand in hand with being a woman, and you’re concerned about them dismissing this fact. The conversation moves in this direction, where maybe you remind them why this is an important distinction and try to ascertain why they disagree.

In the second conversation, you say to a person you know to have grown up in an evangelical Christian household, who has only recently begun expressing curiosity about activism and reproductive rights, “it’s critically important that all people with uteruses have access to the right to abortion.” They say, “Don’t you mean women?” and you realize that yeah, they have probably never considered trans men and non-binary folks as part of this conversation. You talk to them about it and understand if they don’t fully get it right away. You try to talk in familiar terms, with as little jargon as possible because this is a lot! And you hammer home that the most important thing is to be respectful of others and listen to their perspectives, even if you’re not sure you understand. Actually, especially then.

In the third conversation, you are saying “it’s critically important that all people with uteruses have access to the right to abortion,” to one of the two prior people when a shapeless void appears and shouts “Don’t you mean women?” You recognize this as a Troll (a revenant? a Doctor Who villain? an evil cosplayer?) and very sensibly usher your real conversational partner away and stay as far from possible from the shapeless void.

On the internet, person one, person two, and Void Troll all appear to be exactly the same. You have no idea who you’re talking to. How are you supposed to respond? Do you try to look at a profile picture? Might that be a lie? Do you dig through their post history? What do you count as a red flag? Do you make a post that says “women” instead of “people with uteruses” to keep the focus on a different point? How do you react when another leftist replies saying that your language is pandering to conservatives? Do you go back to the “people with uteruses” language? What about when someone else replies saying that your use of jargon and quibbling over language that many people have never learned is a form of gatekeeping? What about when Void Troll tells you to kill yourself no matter how you word this post? How do you tell these people you weren’t writing this post for them when to all intents and purposes, because this is an open forum, you were? How does any of this help anyone trying not to have their reproductive rights stripped away?

I have no fucking idea.

But if you’re wondering why it’s so hard to have productive debate and educate people on the internet, this is part of it.

#long post for ts #abortion #internet discourse #roe vs wade #waves frantically at trolls #yeah i know this post was a bad idea #but i've been thinking about it for a while

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the-fourth-devoted · 2 years

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Do you agonize over first impressions too?

Not that I expect to get responses so quickly, but even the possibility that I can waste my one first impression is almost paralyzing. I do find that I can wrap it in prose, or flowery words besides, and approach it that way, but does that help me?

What, exactly, is there to glean from this? The name I've chosen sounds overly serious, especially to me knowing what I've named this after. Do I reveal the flimsy justification, or do I bury it with all the other things I feel too self-conscious to talk about? Do I establish an air of mystery and risk pushing people away, with nary a word?

You're likely reading this in a very different tone than I'd intended. Do I sound frustrated, like I've yet to find a place that will tolerate me? I hope not. Self-important, self-aggrandizing? Gods, no. I've deliberately stayed away from traditional social media because I've never needed it, so I can't gauge my tone very well. Is my tone acceptable?

I find it very hard to initiate conversation. The words will be there, but I quietly exhale once or twice before I speak. Even texting people that know me, that are expecting a message from me, comes with a hurdle. I typically don't comment on things because I seldom believe that my offerings merit such action. Even if I believed they did, would my choice of words convey my meaning? Would I be singled out because I wasn't clear?

Even here, on a site that prides itself on being completely off-key with regard to the wider Internet, I find it hard to say anything. I have wants that involve sharing some of my fiction, incomplete or ephemeral as it is. Will I just be shouting into an uncaring void? Personally, I'd be fine with that because I don't have any expectations. Rather, I have none that shape my actions in any meaningful way.

Despite that, I still feel the need to put words down, in the hopes that at least one person can understand. I'll likely spend some of my night wondering if anyone has read this, or commented, or whatever else they may do. I'll do that instead of sleeping. After a few days, I may end up less concerned with the uncertainty.

Until then, I ask you: do you agonize over first impressions too?

#hello tumblr #first impressions #overly verbose for #uh #not no reason #r/curatedtumblr wasn't my first introduction to this site #but it did convince me #through how often I laughed at gaud and pukicho #that this is the site I'd have wanted when I was younger #if I've violated a core tumblr tenet #let me know in whatever way you see fit #though preferably not in the form of a kungpowpenis

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ghouls0 · 2 months

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GUYS I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT LATELY AND I NEED TO TELL MY ENDLESS SHOUT INTO THE VOID

tw:sh, grooming, skin carving ?? (I'll add as I write) real person shipping (?) (idk if that needs a tag)

clodie playlist 2 get you in the vibe 🙏

‼️it's also important to note that Eryn is my age‼️

okok so in 2021-2023(?) I was on an app called pop jam (technically I had been on it since 2015, but I came back in 2021) and I had talked about the dream smp n' stuff and that's how I met the group account mediocre_karma (it consisted of Eryn (previously clay (WHICH IS IMPORTANT)) Ollie, lexy, and probably a few other people I never met.

okok so at this point, I BELIEVE Eryn was dating Ollie and lexi separately and they were okay with it !! (this is important 4 later)

ANYWAY BACK TO THE MAIN STORY (sorry this is going to be all over the place) I originally met Eryn through a post it made saying "does anyone wanna rp??" and I volunteered because I really enjoyed roleplaying and I still do !! I believe we ended up doing Skephalo friends to lovers ?? (I was skeppy, he was bbh)

(OKAY NEW WARNING 🗣‼️:I will be shipping problematic ships in this story. I no longer support this what so ever. I will also be shipping DNF and talking about dream, which I obviously don't support)

at this point !! everything is fine and well and we've been talking to each other amongst the roleplay and this goes on for awhile until we've moved to Google duo and are role-playing there (at this point we're role-playing dnf I believe) (we went to Google duo to avoid the popjam filters.. uam that can be talked about later) when randomly out of the blue ??? she sends a picture of her fresh out of the shower in just a towel ?? SO CLEARLY I FREAKED OUT AND SAID "don't you have partners 2 send this to?" (which I now realize was NOT the right thing to say because we were like 11) (but I understood, because uammm craving male validation on the internet gets you some places and I've been in their shoes before) AND THEY GO "it's not like I'm showing anything, and we're friends ??"

uagh

back to the role-playing. he began to want to do beeduo rps.. of which I didn't know was cc! and c!.. so there's that. uam.. also he kinda forced me to roleplay beeduo uhh smut.. often. and I'm not proud of it. I lose sleep over it. oh my god this is it for me.

eventually, we began dating which is where it went all down hill !!! he began thinking it was a-okay to keep sending photos like the towel one ?? (eventually it went further but I don't really wanna talk about that) and started wanting stuff like that in return (which I also don't really want to touch on, but I was forced to do a lot of stuff I didn't want to do. eventually making me hypersexual, which was super fucking hard to recover from)

whenever I tried to express my discomfort, I was told one of the two "(one of it's other partners) wouldn't complain like you ;-;" or "you're so hot when you're upset" so yk. one time I tried to break up with her and she pretended to have a heart attack and go to the hospital. and if we ever did end things we'd end up getting back together because I was so attached to them.

I genuinely got to be myself with them, I got to age reg, I got to be elodie. (which at the time was my name, sprouting the clodie playlists (our "ship name" on his Spotify, he still hasn't taken down) (I didn't know what I identified as, but I really hated my name and wanted it to be elodie instead)

apparently he was comparing other partners to me to the other people he was dating too, and we were upset at her for awhile, but it didn't really do anything.

TW:SH (for good measure)

he opened up pretty quickly about his sh and I really tried to get him to stop, but he'd send me pictures and songs n' stuff. I remember one time he sent me the song "the red means I love you" and I've never heard it the same after, I remember once telling him to write names of people he loved on his leg, to see if it would help. anyway he didn't get the memo it was supposed to be in *pen* because immediately after I saw "elodie

lexi

ollie" carved into his right thigh and I think it's permanently imprinted in my brain.

KIND OF OFF TOPIC BUT I WANNA TALK ABOUT IT, I was once having a conversation with lexi, and they made me guess which piercing they were getting next (she KNEW I was the same age as eryn) (ELEVEN) you'll NEVER GUESS. CLITORAL. 😨 JAW DROPPED. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME GUESS THAT.

also I think some of the people on the account had kids ?? either that or they were rping ?? but idk.

anyway back to the sh thing, this was mid-6th grade now, I was being bullied every day by someone I thought was my best friend, and my dad was probably the worst he's ever gotten.

i came home from a day of being told to kill myself and being called a fag, to my mom not being home. great. I called her when I got home and she told me to bring the bath mats upstairs, and so I went to the living room to get the bath mats off of the couch, so they would be in the bathroom when I got out of the shower (my parents were still freaked because of covid so I had to shower when I got home) but my dad got upset at me that I didn't immediately take a shower and i got really upset too and I just needed a second to cry in my room before I showered, which my dad wouldn't let me have, THROWING me into the bathroom cabinet. so yk..

anyway after I got out of the shower I took a pair of scissors and sawed them across my leg. I think that's the deepest I've ever cut. it always seemed 2 help eryn though.

eryn actually single handedly convinced me to stop, and to not kill myself several times.

tweaking aughhh.

eventually me and eryn broke up and they stopped treating me like shit. we were really good friends for awhile before we just kinda.. faded out late 2023. we stopped talking except for the occasional "merry Christmas" or "I'm 1 year clean, thanks king." or my occasional desperate "I'm still here for you"

is it wrong to say that I want our friendship back? I want what we had back. I really miss them. aughhh anyway rant over, bye pooks

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minihealy · 3 months

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i love tumblr. i find ease in it since i can just shout in the void and no one would care. it reminds me of my olden days on the internet. twitter overstimulates me and instagram makes me just wanna jump off a cliff and i don't wanna use messenger bc i get so addicted to it

i've been thinking that i only use instagram if a.) i have smth to post so it gives me incentive to be present and take photos & document memories that my depressed brain can't, i only use twitter if... tbh idk when I would use twitter unless i got triggering thoughts. i see all my friends there and they seem to be doing alright so when my posts are about wanting to jump off a cliff it just makes me feel worse tbh lol. idk what would be my basis for using twitter when i can just rant here on tumblr instead in peace & no one would care. so maybe, i just won't use twitter anymore lol? i usually use it just to get news updates too but maybe i'll just get a news app for that or reddit exists lmao. so, ig bye bye twitter.

then for messenger, i was thinking I only use it if i get notifications from important ppl in my life. i think i've made my settings well enough that a chat head would only appear if i get a message and only then would i check things out.

it just feels easier to rant on tumblr since im not limited by any word limit lol it allows me to be more cohesive and coherent w my thoughts

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lolothesilly · 8 months

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to comment about your rss feed post- i never stopped using rss feeds, when google tried to strike them down and many large websites gave up i kinda was just out of the loop because i never use corporate stuff in the first place. so remembering that there are still places that use rss feeds like tumblr is important to getting people to migrate from phone models to legacy ones, but i think at the end of the day the greatest evil is all the ui changes that came with the smart phone i have a flip phone and my daily driver is my laptop i am never off of, theres so many ui differences in endless scroll feed based websites that the people on neocities RESENT and desperately do not want to emulate so i really hope people are happy with how small and cute and sincere it is right now and use ANOTHER website maker to do more of what that post was talking about. because neocities is a spiritual successor of geocities and the traditions of webrings and guestbooks and emailing people directly and following the breadcrums of links is all apart of the learning curve and to disrupt that for the lesser endless feed scroll model is going to get us back to what corporate hell has entrapped us in. since twitter migration started on tumblr nobody makes real blog posts, people are alergic to paragraphs and intimacy and sincerity. i just appreciate neocities for having that and being too desperate for EVEN MORE USERS when we already have so many scares me, i already got to get off of tumblr for the expansion reasons that made it unusable and out right dangerous for me as a queer person. theres benefits many in being obscure and small.

im sorry i cant tell if im having a hard time processing this ask or what, im not 100% sure what youre saying here but ill try to respond as best i can, sorry if i misinterpret anything!!

so like i definitly agree with the "allergic to paragraphs and intimacy and sincerity" thing, i was thinking about it more last night and i think its a good thing that neocities doesnt really lend itself as much to the short-form posts you see on tumblr and twitter. bc like. i remember when i was a kid/teen, that kind of shortform flow-of-consciousness posting was mostly found in:

chatrooms (chatzy, IRC, guestbooks, shoutboxes, etc)

early social media status updates (like on myspace or facebook, the "had starbucks today lol 😜" kind of stuff)

and like. the niche chatrooms used to fill is now mostly filled by discord (though i know discord has Problems and i Think ive heard of alternatives to it?? havent looked into that as much) but. i think neocities being a home for longer posts about your interests is SO valuable honestly and i want more people to embrace that kind of thing!!

i feel like theres a sort of craving that sites like tumblr or twitter currently fulfill (badly) of like. throwing your thoughts into the void. not necesarily looking for a discussion but like. idk. its like if you wrote in a journal and then turned the pages into paper airplanes and threw them out your window.

(actually i remember in the 10s there was this site... i forget what it was called but it was like an anonymous "email" sort of service but your emails just went to random other users? literally shouting into the void, knowing someone will hear but can not respond because its all anonymous. idk it was neat)

but yeah. sorry. this is disjointed im really just thinking out loud. i just miss personal sites and fansites and forums and chatboxes and IRC chats..... i miss the way we used to use the internet, the way we used to share things with each other....

as far as RSS and feeds go i dont think its really all that comparable to the endless scrolling hell we have on modern social media sites, but i DO think it might scratch the same brain-itch while being less destructive. its hard to doomscroll if your "feed" is literally just "new articles posted by your friends on their personal websites" instead of like, "10000 reblogs and 1000000 random things the algorithm has decided to show you", yknow? its like. home grown organic media. idk

#long post #sorryyy i hope this makes sense / addresses your points i am. tired #ty for the ask tho /gen

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