One time when Peter got a paper cut (in the suit, he was reading to a little girl outside the library) but it malfunctioned and sent a panic response to Tony.
Just two minutes later, Irondad appears on scene, landing in front of the (quiet, peaceful) library and cracking the sidewalk. “Peter?! Peter, are you okay?!”
“I’m great Mr. Stark! Have you read The Cat in the Hat? It’s really gripping!”
Needless to say, Tony had a heart attack for nothing.
Pepper is holding a very big, very sharp knife in her hand when something bumps into her. Luckily, she doesn’t drop it on the kid who is clinging to her legs now. “Peter,” she breathes out, carefully setting down the knife, thanking whatever guardian angel Peter has that this didn’t end in a bloody mess, “you scared me.”
“Sorry,” he says, looking indeed very sorry. However, he quickly forgets about it as he tries to peer over the counter. “What are you doing?”
Peter hums, getting up on his toes to get a better look at the vegetables. Tony has been spending a worrying amount of time in his workshop the past few days, only leaving the room to put Peter to bed or give him a bath. Peter is allowed in the workshop, playing with his Legos and the robots, making up some stories that he tells Tony, who comments on them while still working on his newest project.
Since Peter was born, Tony rarely gets these obsessive moments where he forgets everything that exists outside his workshop, and weirdly enough, Peter seems to understands that these moments of his father not paying as much attention to him as usually doesn’t have to do with Peter himself but more with the toy – like Peter likes to call them – he’s working on. Pepper isn’t sure if that means Peter is already as much of an eccentric genius as Tony is or if Tony simply explained it to him, but she is glad he isn’t sad because of it.
However, only because Peter accepts it doesn’t mean Pepper accepts it. After all, it’s her job to make sure that Tony is at least functional enough to lead a company. So, she makes him food. Pizza, to be exact, because she has a feeling that Tony won’t eat anything else. And she uses the same trick they always use when they try to get Peter to eat more vegetables: chop them up as tiny as they can and hide them. Tony may be an adult, but he really needs to eat healthier.
“What are you cooking?” Peter continues to ask.
“Can I help?”
Pepper’s first instinct is to say no because she still has to cut more vegetables and they already had one almost-accident. But she could use Peter helping her to her advantage. Tony can’t say no to food that Peter helped prepare, no matter how deep he has sunken into a project. “Of course, you can help.”
Peter is absolutely excited to help, which almost ends in another knife accident. They pull up a chair for him to stand on. Pepper realizes that only because Peter has very nifty fingers when it comes to his Legos, it doesn’t mean he isn’t a messy cook. Because he’s so unbelievably messy. The flour lands on the floor as they roll out the dough. The tomato sauce goes everywhere but on the pizza. Peter keeps eating the toppings.
But besides the mess (and the fear of the knife getting too close to Peter), it’s actually quite fun. They make a game out of hiding the vegetables, both vowing to not tell Tony about the sneaky move, and he asks her a lot about cooking and healthy food, which Pepper hopes will stick. She can’t handle two geniuses with unhealthy eating habits. While the pizza is in the oven, Peter insists on helping with cleaning up.
Later, once they cut the pizza and put it on plates, Peter proudly carries it down to the workshop, Pepper hot on his heels. “Daddy!” he announces over the loud music, “I made you food!”
Tony looks up from his project, blinking a couple of times as if to make sure that they aren’t just a fabrication of his tired and overworked brain. “You made food?”
“Yes, I helped Pepper,” he specifies, running over to couch in the corner of the room where Tony usually crashes if he can’t make it to his bed room. “It’s very yummy. Do you want to try it?”
“Yeah, of course, buddy,” Tony says with a smile – because he really can’t say no to him – setting down his tools and coming over to them. When he sees the food, he raises a slightly suspicious eyebrow. “Pizza?” He’s a bit of a snob when it comes to Italian food, but once again the fact that Peter helped make it trumps his usual persnicketiness.
“Pepperoni,” Pepper says, knowing better than to hand him a plate with a slice of pizza and instead setting it down on the low table before them before sitting down next to Peter with her own plate. The corner of Tony’s mouth twitches, but he doesn’t comment on it. He sits down on Peter’s other side, pulling the plate close and taking a bite.
“Do you love it?” Peter immediately asks, not giving Tony time to chew or let alone swallow the food. Tony gives him a big thumbs up and to prove his point even further, takes another bite of the pizza, not caring that there’s still food left in his mouth. Peter giggles, probably because of the secret vegetables, but as long as they are eating, Pepper isn’t about to correct their table manners. At least for now.
• It’s probably Peter who suggests all the Avengers go to pride, and as soon as he brings it up to Tony, Tony definitely becomes a starry-eyed, excited father at the prospect. Like, he probably wishes his father was more supportive in anything he did, so having Peter open up to him about an event he’s really excited about would make his paternal instincts THRIVE.
Peter, shyly approaching Tony: So, you know how it’s June?
Peter: And, um, June is pride month.
Peter: I was wondering, if, umm, maybe we could all, ya know, go to some pride events together—
Tony, immediately lighting up: YES OF COURSE, DO YOU WANT ME TO BUY YOU MERCH? WHAT BUSINESSES SHOULD I SUPPORT?? DO YOU WANT ME TO DESIGN YOU A SPECIAL PRIDE SPIDERMAN SUIT???
Peter, tearing up: Yes, please, Mr. Stark…
• EVERYONE gets a special pride themed suit. They all get different flags to inspire their suits, too! They’re not all rainbow! Bi, pan, lesbian, trans, ace, any color scheme they can think of, they get!
• Tony goes ALL OUT with the suits. I mean turn-his-blasters-into-confetti-cannons level of extra, here. He helps Peter make his web shooters fire pride colored webs. Steve gets a cape that’s a pride flag. It doesn’t do anything special, but it looks tacky, so Tony puts it on the suit anyway. Just to piss Steve off. I mean, what’s he gonna do?? Take it off and disappoint Peter?? AS IF.
• And pride becomes a mandatory event for ALL the Avengers. There will be no, “But I’m cis and heterosexual—” Tony WILL throw hands. You are supporting his spiderson; you don’t get a say. Not that it’s much of a problem because anyone who sees how thrilled Peter gets at the support couldn’t possibly turn him down in good conscience. And I mean ANYONE. Nick Fury couldn’t withstand those puppy eyes.
Fury: Look, I’m sorry, Stark. I have an important meeting that day. I support all of you, but I—
Peter, spotting Tony and Fury: Oh, Director Fury!! Mr. Stark told me you were gonna come, too!! I was so surprised!! But thank you so, so much; it means so much to me that even the highest members of our little team support me :) !! I’m used to higher-ups hating people being open about LGBT+ stuff, is all.
Peter: Yeah, like at school they don’t let us talk about stuff like that. Apparently the existence of LGBT+ people is too “controversial.” It’s really dehumanizing. I’m so glad it’s not like that here though!! I’m happy the Avengers can be a safe space!!
Fury, sweating: Ahah…
Peter: Anyway, I’m gonna go work on my rainbow web shooters!! Bye!! Thanks again!
Fury: …I’ll cancel that meeting.
Tony: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
• Tony’s support would be so over the top it might border on overbearing. Like, when a parent is SUPER supportive, to the point that anytime they see ANYTHING rainbow in a store (pride related or not), they buy it. And then, like, they give it to you with that >:3 look on their face. “Ah?? AH??? DO YOU LIKE IT??? GET IT???? ‘CUZ IT’S RAINBOW?????” That’s definitely Tony. Once again, he’s compensating for not getting the same support from his own father figure.
• Also, Tony would totally pull strings to get prominent LGBT+ singers to perform at pride. Like, all of Peter’s faves. He would never admit to being the one to convince them, though.
• And, obviously, the Avengers would make sure no assholes hurt people at pride. They see a Trump flag in the distance and all of the Avengers just
• No one tries to pull ANY shit that June.
I’ve got a real angsty irondad fic in the works… 😏
peter: hey, Mr. Stark, you should get a TikTok account!
peter: I dunno you’re just the right kinda dumbass
tony: I feel like you meant that as a compliment but I’m insulted regardless
I feel like Peter would really love glitter and sparkles. Maybe it’s his spider side? Or maybe he just likes them. But anyways, he enjoys putting them everywhere. Everywhere. Sparkles in the vents. Sparkles on his posters. Sparkles in the kitchen. Sparkles on the couch. When he gives people cards, they’re always covered in sparkles. During prank wars? Sparkles. Even the suit has glitter.
Tony has embraced it, loves it even. Peter convinced him to make an iron man helmet covered in glitter.
The rest of the Avengers… not as much. Of course they all adore the spiderbaby, but they (mainly Clint) keep finding glitter in their hair, their clothes, even their weapons.
But everyone loves Peter (and his sparkles) too much to stop him.
(Except for the time Peter tried to paint the Avengers tower with bright orange and black glitter for Halloween)
Sometimes, Peter forgets to eat. Not on purpose. But he has to deal with spiderman and school, and sometimes it’s just too much. He gets distracted.
So often, he gets a midnight snack.
Peter was at the compound, and he and Tony had just finished watching Narnia for what must have been the 80th time. They had munched on popcorn and licorice sticks, which were not very filling, to say the least. The boy was half asleep, head in Tony’s lap as his fingers carded through his curls.
“Mister Stark?” he mumbled quietly.
“D’you think that fish feel wet all the time?”
Tony had carried the weary boy to bed hours ago, tucking him in and planting a gentle kiss to his temple. But Peter could feel the hunger tearing at his stomach. He was so tired- honestly, he just wanted to sleep. But sleep wouldn’t happen until he got some food.
Grumbling quietly, he dragged himself out of bed and walked slowly to the kitchen, stumbling every so often against a piece of furniture he didn’t see.
Peter did reach the fridge (with bruises to prove it) and pulled it open, browsing the shelves. Vegetables. Leftover pie. Spaghetti. Strawberries. Energy drinks (eww- the last thing he needed).
Realizing there was nothing he wanted there, he moved to the cupboards. Cap’n Crunch (that was for him). Cheerios. Golden Grahams- eww again. Why did they have those? Finally, he spotted a package of Oreo’s. Perfect.
But they were at the top of the shelf. No way could he reach those. So, with his halfway asleep brain, he climbed sideways up the wall and along the ceiling until he was upside down next to his food. The package had been opened but only one was taken. (Who only ate one Oreo?)
The child began chomping his treat, but he stayed there, upside down, the spider part of him telling himself that there was no reason to get down.
And what a scene it was for Tony to walk in on at 1:00 in the morning, searching for a snack himself.
In fact, he screamed. (Quite high, though he’ll deny it.)
Peter screamed as well, almost choking on an Oreo.
Tony nearly had a heart attack as he tried to get Peter down, thinking he needed the Heimlich maneuver.
Eventually, the small boy jumped down himself and offered his father an Oreo.
And that was how Pepper found them the next morning, curled up on the couch, Peter in Tony’s protective arms, an almost empty package of Oreo’s beside them.
Okay, so one of my favorite head canons that I don’t see written much is Peter falling asleep on the ceiling. So…..
When Tony didn’t immediately see his tiny spiderson as he walked into the compound, he got understandably confused and worried.
He checked Peter’s room, the kitchen, the lab, living room, even the medbay. No sign of him. “FRI?” he asked nervously. “Where’s Pete?”
“Peter is currently asleep in the living room. Would you like me to wake him?” she replied in her Irish brogue.
Living room? But he was just there and there had been no trace of him… “No, FRI, I’ll just- yeah. Yeah.” Tony hurried to the living room, trying to refrain from calling his suit (just in case, you never know).
“Peter?” he called softly. “Hey, buddy, where are you?”
“Peter?” he repeated, louder. “Pete?”
Suddenly Tony was lunging to catch a falling spiderbaby. Luckily, Peter didn’t hit the ground before he got to him, now hugging him close with his strong arms.
They looked at each other in shock, until Peter said, quite blearily, “Hey, Mr. Stark. How’re you?”
“I’ll be fine after I stop having a fucking heart attack. Peter, wereyouontheceiling?!”
Language, said the the dumb part of Peter’s brain. Go back to sleep, said the other. He did neither. “Yeah.”
“Why- why were you on the ceiling?” Tony cried, shaken. “You have a bed here. A whole room dedicated to you. Remember that? It’s quite comfy. Soft. The mattress was very expensive. Perfect place for spiderbabies.”
“Sure, Mr. Stark.”
There was now a protocol installed, designed to alert Tony if Peter was on the ceiling so he could coax him down (there’s a nice couch right here, kiddo), though he was no longer allowed to be up there. It was banned.
I don’t know if the fluffiness is similar, but I tried!
Sometimes, Rhodey forgets that Peter is a teenager.
Which is why he immediately drives over to his place when Peter sends him the text THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!! I NEED YOUR HELP!!, cursing Tony for not finally finishing the nanobot version of their suits to fly there.
Turns out, Peter isn’t being attacked or threatened or anything that would send Tony in an absolute rampage if he ever found out. No, Peter isn’t hurt, not even a papercut and every single one of his curls in place. He does look a bit pale, though, but Rhodey thinks it has more to do with the panicked look in his eyes.
“You’re not hurt,” Rhodey states before Peter can open his mouth. Peter blinks in confusion. “And you’re safe at home.”
“Yeah, of course. Why would you think anything else?”
“Because of this!” He holds up his phone, showing Peter the text which is followed by several text containing exclamation points and seemingly random emojis. Rhodey thought Peter might have been kidnapped and tried to type a message blindly, completely failing at it.
“But I do need your help,” Peter insists again as he lets him into his home. “Mr. Stark’s birthday is in a few days.”
“I’m very aware of that.”
“I don’t have a present for him.”
“Well, you still got a few days.”
Peter groans, and Rhodey tries very hard to keep the smile at bay. That little shit almost gave him a heart attack, he can pretend to not understand what he’s trying to say. “I mean I don’t know what to get him. Can you help me?”
“Just to be clear: You sent me a text that made me think you’re dying because you’re freaking out about Tony’s birthday gift.”
Rhodey starts doubting the IQ of those so called geniuses he spends time with. Well, he’s been doubting Tony’s IQ for years now, but he thought there might be hope for Peter.
“Please?” Peter tries again, using his best Puppy Eyes.
Damn it, he can’t say no to those… “Fine,” Rhodey sighs. “What ideas do you have?”
“I don’t have any at all,” Peter whines and slums down on the couch, Rhodey joining him after a second. “Do you already have your present for him?”
“Yeah, a pair of nice cufflinks.”
“That sounds too expensive for me.”
“You also shouldn’t steal my gift ideas, that’s rude.” Peter starts to pout, hugging a pillow to his chest and probably feeling very sorry for himself. Deciding to give him a little bit of hope, Rhodey puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes it. “It doesn’t matter what you get him. He will love the gift, whatever it is. And if you don’t get him a gift at all, he won’t mind.”
“But I want to get him a gift. A good one.”
“You guys take a bunch of photos together. Why not make him an album or something?”
“I already did that for Christmas.” Right. How could Rhodey forget Tony (what he thought was drunk-calling because it sounded a lot like it, but the guy was actually completely sober, just very emotional) telling him about it? “Please help me, Colonel Rhodes. You are my only hope.”
Rhodey squints at him. “Did you just quote Star Wars at me?”
Peter gives him a cheeky smile. “Only if it works.”
Of course, it works. Rhodey is just as much of a Star Wars fan as Peter is, and the kids knows that, thanks to Tony not being able to shut up. Besides, it’s not like he has anything better to do today… well, no, he actually has to look over a few old mission reports, but they seem pretty boring compared to going gift shopping with Peter. Tony pretty much monopolizes all of Peter’s time, making it close to impossible to talk to the boy alone. This could be his opportunity to get back at Tony for spilling out his Star Wars obsession.
“Alright,” Rhodey agrees with a theatrical sigh (wow, he spends too much time around Tony), which has Peter beaming, “but you will buy me a Slurpee for my troubles.”
“Red one or blue one?”
So let’s say our boy Peter’s sick
(A classic trope, I know, but…………………)
And of course, he doesn’t tell anyone, but his very intelligent aunt knows her nephew/ son, and as soon as she sees him, she’s like “Peter, honey. You’re sick. Get back to bed, I’ll make you soup.”
But apparently, he was worse than she thought and comes down with a bad fever. He keeps saying that he’s freezing and so so cold, but in reality he’s burning up. He keeps crying for Tony, and of course May immediately calls the man.
“Tony, you need to get here now!”
She can here his sharp intake of breath as it speeds up and can almost hear his heart rate increase. “Peter?! Is Pete okay? Fuck, May, tell me he’s okay!” he cries, voice trembling. She can hear him suiting up in the background.
“Tony, he keeps calling for you- he’s sick, you need a doctor. He has a temperature of 105 degrees.” She sounded scared.
That’s bad. That’s really bad. Peter Peter please be okay please please
I need you
He distantly heard FRIDAY calling Cho, saying that the proper medical services were on their way. He heard her say to slow his breathing down, heard her say that she was taking control of the suit. But none of it mattered. Peter mattered.
The omelette isn’t completely burned which surprises Pepper. Ever since he got Peter, Tony got a lot better at cooking. Which doesn’t actually say anything, because the genius had been absolutely terrible at cooking before.
“You like it?” Tony asks, obviously trying to come off as nonchalant while literally vibrating with waiting to hear her opinion.
One side of the omelette is slightly burned and it could use a bit more salt. “Yeah,” she answers truthfully, because it’s still the best home-cooked meal she ever got from Tony. He rewards her with a bright, blinding smile that the paparazzi never get to see, and she lets her hair fall in front of her face to hide her blush.
Peter giggles happily between shoving forks full of scrambled eggs into his mouth. He’s been very excited to wake up and find both Tony and Pepper at home. He’d been even more excited when Pepper said she’s staying for breakfast.
However, the weirdly domestic moment is ruined. Because of course it is.
“Sir,” JARVIS interrupts the meal, “Mrs. Smith is at the door.”
Tony and Pepper share a quick look at the mentioning of the usual babysitter being at the front door. “Let her in,” Tony says in a slightly cold voice, and Pepper wonders if he’s going to fire her. He accepts mistakes from most of his employees, especially when it’s their first mistake. But Grace is looking after Peter, and Tony can be very cutthroat when it comes to who spends time around his son.
Grace all but runs into the kitchen and almost falls over her own feet as she comes to a stop. “I am beyond sorry,” she starts to apologize. Usually, she looks very put together and calm, but it’s the complete opposite right now. Her hair looks like a bird nested in it, her shirt is turned inside out, and the make-up on her face looks like it’s at least two days old, already smudged and barely visible anymore. Peter waves at her and puts more egg in his mouth. “My brother was in an accident and I looked after his girls, but I left my phone at the hospital by accident and it ran out of battery and I completely forgot what day it was and-“
“Hey, it’s fine, calm down,” Tony quickly says, his anger from before evaporating as he sees the distressed woman, walking over to her and grabbing her arms to steady her. “It’s fine, nothing bad happened. Take a deep breath. Please don’t have a heart attack in my kitchen. Okay?”
“Please don’t fire me,” she gets out between shallow breaths, trying to regain control of the situation but failing.
“I’m not going to fire you.” Finally, Grace can breathe again. “Was it unfortunate and had really bad timing? Duh. But it was an emergency and nothing bad happened. I hope your brother is okay.” Grace nods, thanking Tony again and again that he isn’t firing her. “Take the day off. Look after your family first, and let me know when you’re free to work again, okay? I’m back here anyway, so it’s time for some quality father-son-bonding anyway.”
“What about Pepper?” Peter asks after swallowing down another bite of his breakfast.
Tony blinks at his son. “What do you mean?”
“Does Pepper stay, too?”
“No, Pepper will go home. She has the day off, too.”
“But I want her to stay!” he yells, looking at Pepper with tears in his eyes, and she immediately wants to promise him that she will stay. But she decided a long time ago to not butt in Tony’s parenting, so she stays quiet.
Tony shakes his head. “No, Peter. It’s her day off.”
Peter doesn’t hear no very often. For one, he’s a very polite and kind kid, so it’s barely necessary to tell him no. And Tony lets him have a lot of things, either because he doesn’t see the point in not agreeing or because he just wants to spoil his son. But that’s why when Peter doesn’t get what he wants, especially from Tony, he throws a tantrum.
“No!” He yells again, kicking his feet against the table and throwing his head back. “No! I want her to stay!”
“No, I want Mommy to stay!”
Time freezes. Nobody can draw a breath, least of all Peter who is very busy screaming from the top of his lungs.
Pepper forgot about the question – well, no, that’s not true. She ignored the question, but it was still there, hiding behind the thoughts of having a home-cooked breakfast with the Starks and actively reminding herself that Tony is her boss. Of course, she still doesn’t have an answer for the question, and she feels the same panic take a hold of her that made her freeze not too long ago. But now it’s worse, because Tony is here.
Tony who looks like he’s the one having a heart attack now. His face is pale to the point that it looks sickly, his mouth agape, and eyes impossibly wide as he stares at his still screaming son. Pepper would like to say that she got used to read Tony, but that’s not entirely true. While she could read his body language, she was never able to figure out what was really going on in his head. After a while, she got used to it, but now it makes her so nervous, her heart beats in her throat.
Eventually, Tony breaks out of his stupor and picks his still screaming and kicking son up. Then, his eyes fly over to her and Pepper can’t not look at him. The only time she’s seen them filled with so much panic was when they got the news that Mary died. “I-“ he starts, but no more words follow. Pepper offers nothing herself. “Don’t leave.” It sounds more like a question than an order and that’s maybe because of the pleading look in his eyes.
As if Pepper is able to move. But, apparently, she is, because she can feel herself nod sharply, and then Tony carries Peter away, presumably to his bed room to calm him down. The panic inside Pepper doesn’t dissolve. She barely notices Grace leaving.
Slowly, she buries her face in her hands. Does she have to resign now? She doesn’t want to. She loves her job. And she loves Peter
and Tony. But it’s not like they can just forget this. Pepper can’t be his mommy, no matter what he means when he says that word. And Tony clearly doesn’t want her to be Peter’s mommy, if his reaction is anything to go by. That thought hurts a lot more than it should.
It takes her a few minutes and two glasses of water to stop shaking. Pepper can’t hear Peter’s screams anymore, but that doesn’t have to mean anything, seeing that pretty much every room in the mansion is sound-proofed. Telling herself that it doesn’t help if she continues to hide in the kitchen, Pepper squares her shoulders and makes her way to Peter’s room on somewhat steady legs.
The door to his room isn’t closed all the way, that’s why Pepper can hear Peter’s sobs and Tony’s attempt to calm him down. They aren’t working. Taking another breath and praying that the day won’t end with her looking for a new job because she overstepped a boundary, Pepper knocks against the door before entering. Both geniuses look at her, but while Peter’s are filled with hope, Tony still has the same deer-caught-in-the-headlights-panic all over his face.
“Hey Peter,” she says with a gentle (and hopefully not-shaky) smile, “can we talk about what just happened?”
“Stay,” Peter whines again, reaching out for her. Deciding to give in just a little bit, she walks over and sits down next to him on his bed. He immediately latches on to her, wrapping his arms around her with a surprising amount of strength, like he can keep her from leaving if he just holds on tight enough.
Tony looks visibly uncomfortable, starting to crack his knuckles.
Pepper ignores him for now, running a hand through Peter’s hair, hoping to calm him down a bit. “Peter, I’m not your mommy.” He starts to whine again, soaking her shirt with tears, and tightens his grip. “But I am your Pepper. And that means I can stay and play with you sometimes.”
Peter is so surprised by her words that he completely forgets he’s been crying. Instead, he looks up at her, eyes wide and red, but no more tears follow. “Really?”
She gives him another smile. “Of course. And I promised you we do something fun today, so we’re going to do that. Okay?”
“Okay!” he agrees, now smiling himself. He squeezes her again before he runs off to the bathroom, leaving two slightly uncomfortable adults behind.
It’s Tony who breaks the silence. “So, uh… his Pepper?”
Deciding to push her luck once more and once again hoping it won’t get her fired, she raises an eyebrow. “Jealous?”
For a second, Tony looks like he wants to say yes.
For a second, Pepper wants him to say yes.
But then, the second is over.
“Well, you have to spend at least forty hours a week with me because of the very binding contract I made you sign, why would I be jealous?” Pepper tries very hard not to snicker. “Anyway, what exactly qualifies as fun in Pepper Potts’ eyes? I always imagined you reorganize everything in your office for fun.”
“Guess you just have to find out yourself.”
• Not just a gremlin; he’s some kinda sneaky bastard rat demon. Everyone thinks Tony is the rat, staying in the lab until 4AM. When he comes out, he smells like grease and sweat, and he looks GOD AWFUL. All the Avengers are like, “If I can handle living with THAT, I can handle anyone.”
• But then Peter spends the weekend, and maybe the first few times he visits, he’s alright. He’s polite and friendly because he’s being welcomed into someone else’s home; he was taught to be kind to his hosts! But the moment he’s comfortable, his demeanor changes so quickly.
• Suddenly, none of the Avengers know where he is in the Compound. They see glimpses of two beady, little eyes raiding the kitchen cabinets at 2AM. They hear scuttling in the hallways. They swear they closed their door when they came in, but it’s cracked open now. At any given moment, one of the Avengers is quietly hissing, “Okay, what the FUCK?”
• But it’s okay. It’s a little eerie, but it’s okay. It’s paranoia; it’s that segment on the news about cryptids getting to them.
• Then things start to go missing. Rhodey can’t find his left shoe. Steve can’t find his belt. Tony can’t find ANY of his screwdrivers. Bruce realizes that the TV remote is always, miraculously, just beyond his reach. Thor is busy lifting up every piece of furniture in a futile search for his hair brush.
• And still, no one has seen Peter.
• After that, come the pranks. Plastic wrap in doorways. Buckets of water balanced on half-open doors. All the mayonnaise was replaced with vanilla pudding, and maybe the vanilla pudding was replaced with mayonnaise, too… but no one is willing to sacrifice their life for that discovery. It’s not worth it.
• By now, they’re certain Peter is behind it, but no one can catch him red-handed. He’s too fast, can slip past anyone, can find hiding places no one would even THINK to check. And Peter is headed home soon, so if they’re gonna catch him, they have to do it now.
• They enlist the help of Natasha, who has suspiciously avoided every prank. The other Avengers assume she’s just that observant and clever; that’s why they think if anyone can expose Peter, it’s her. And they’re right. She catches him in the act almost immediately.
• It becomes a full-blown interrogation.
Steve: Kiddo, why are you doing this?
Tony: YEAH, Peter what the FUCK? HAVE YOU EVER BITTEN INTO A SANDWICH WITH FUCKING PUDDING IN IT?? YOU’RE EVIL. Why would you do that to me?
Peter, unfazed: Why not?
Tony: BECAUSE IT’S MEAN??????
Peter: That’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. For the memes, Mr. Stark.
Tony, throwing his hands into the air: Oh my god. I’ve given a suit to a sociopath.
Natasha: Okay, then why didn’t you prank Pepper and I?
Peter: Miss Romanoff, there are a lot of things I’d do for the memes, but dying a slow, painful death is not one of those things.
Natasha: Heh. Smart kid.
• Needless to say, they do not invite Peter to another weekend at the Compound for a very long time.