#is it bad that i want their relationship to improve?

[natalyarose]

𝑅𝑒𝒻𝓁𝑒𝒸𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝓂𝓎 𝒶𝓇𝓉… (𝒽𝑒𝓁𝓁𝑜, 𝒮𝓊𝓃 𝒾𝓃 𝐵𝒽𝒶𝓇𝒶𝓃𝒾!)

~ This is a bit of a personal one lol, maybe I'm getting a little too comfy on tumblr- but hey, I like it here and I'm very grateful for everyone who's taken an interest in whatever I have to say :)

~ tagging this on Nakshatra tumblr because I feel like this reflection perfectly encapsulates Venus Nakshatras and is very aligned with the Sun moving into Bharani, the birth of Venus among the Nakshatras

// warning, cringe and angsty lmao

I have such an odd relationship with my artistic process. Unconventional? Stubborn. Sometimes just straight up bad lol.

I want to create beautiful, meaningful things, yet I have this sort of extreme resistance to being perfect or professionalism (however, somehow perfectionism and such a ruthless self-antagonism for not being 'enough' at the same time..).

It's almost like I purposely sabotage my art by intentionally leaving in mistakes, or leaving it somewhat dishevelled in protest of perfection. In hopes that the beauty and artistry still manages to shine through to the right people.

I guess it's also this thing where I feel like the imperfection makes art more unique, more exclusive- more personal & dearly held to the people who do find the beauty in it that I initially wanted to communicate. But, there is a difference between artsy, grungy, rawness and... just being crap, lazy, unrefined, undisciplined. (I'd never refer to someone else's work in this way but myself... mann).

Knowing full well that my artistic creation likely 'needs work', is not a finished product and will very likely be criticised for its' imperfection, I still have the overwhelming urge to go ahead and share it with the world/post it. In all of its' messy (again, maybe just straight up bad lol) glory. Then I wonder why I'm not gaining the traction I want haha. When I inevitably receive criticism, I get so hurt by it, I beat myself up and it eats at me to the point that I can't sleep at night, I'm up reciting the criticisms in my head and weaving them into my very own nightmare!

I don't understand why I do this to myself lmao. Later on after posting & putting myself out there, I hear that imperfection in the song, I hear those vocal parts I stubbornly left in and didn't want to redo, I see the dodgy brush strokes I refused to fix up in the name of authenticity, and I cringe. In fact, I feel such a deep shame for it all that I take everything down out of embarrassment. Even though it was fully my decision to put up something amateur sounding and imperfect.

Maybe it's something like the weight of desire for perfection is too much, so I just go 'to hell with it!'.

It's like an endless cycle for me, and I realise that over the years, if I'd just left things up online and was more patient with myself, I'd probably have cultivated a following of some sort by now, or maybe used peoples' criticisms to improve the art to a greater extent. I mean, there are people who have mentioned to me when they notice the art is imperfect and needs work, but there are just as many lovely people who have gone totally out of their way to express deep appreciation for the music/art I've put out and enjoyed it.

Here's my 'theory' as to why I do this to myself: when I create art, I don't just want to make pretty things, though I want that too. I want to be loved, and FELT. I want to bring people to this raw, vulnerable place in my heart where my ideas emerge from. I want to be loved not in spite of the imperfections, but alongside them, all encompassing.

I don't want to have to be perfect, have $1000 worth of equipment, hours and hours of recording time trying to 'get it right' in order to be understood and deemed beautiful. I don't want to show off how perfect or skilled I am either, I want to make people feel something. I want it natural.

r a w.

I kinda enjoy for art to be unfinished and slightly unpalatable on purpose.

Maybe it's a bit of entitlement on my part, expecting that even if I do a mediocre job, people will still enjoy it and see my 'talents'/message.

Truth be told though, that's how I love other people, how I enjoy others' art as well, it's not just something with me.

When I listen to artists I love, I adore seeing something beautiful, yet somehow messy and jarring. A sort of underground-esque, 'wild feminine' creation. It evokes that much more feeling and passion that something designed to be perfect just lacks to me.

I can't get into a lot of bands that are considered 'objectively good' by many people because they just sound too perfect to me- There's a lot of times I come across artists that sound technically good, very clean but my heart just can't get into it. I find myself listening and thinking 'I wish this was recorded on a toaster', or 'I wish there was a more rough sound to the vocals' lol, I crave the rawness & intimacy that imperfection and roughness lends.

Ugh, it all creates such an internal conflict- like I want my art to be seen, to be loved yet I somewhat reject things it takes for the art to be considered objectively good & well rounded.

The harsh reality might just be that just because I see the beauty in imperfection, just because I know I've got this personal, very niche vision of what 'good' sounds like/looks like in my mind, that doesn't mean other people are going to find value in the same things.

Of course, maybe all of this is just pretentious excuses & my own self-hatred manifested (I don't actively hate myself, I try to be much kinder to myself these days but yknow)

Anyway, I realised that it's the start of Bharani season in galactic centre mid-mula Ayanamsa today & I think this write up really aligns with that.

Thankyou for reading lol.. again, a bit of an angsty personal thing but maybe it could be relevant to someone, if y'all wanna know what Venusian artistic angst looks like in real time lmao 🖤🥀

#nakshatras #astrology #music #artist #aesthetic #vedic astro observations #venus

[zombiequeenblog]

Had a funny headcanon for SADGLO. In 'Bleeding Palms' when Mouse hugs Copia after he gets back the reaction from everyone around them seemed to be mixed. Though some gave knowing hums. I imagine those Siblings that knew,walk down the wrong hallway and finds Copia and Mouse in action. They turn around and decide in good choice to mind their business.

Mild smut below...

If you prefer to read on ao3

This entire abbey was a den of sin, the novice Sister mused to herself, strolling along in a quiet evening solitude. Her dark contemplation was sweet, and comforting as the Unholy Vespers, and nurtured a sort of joy she noticed blooming inside of her more and more often. She didn’t regret her decision to come here, and to stay. In fact, she felt rather proud.

Pride was encouraged here; wrath tolerated. Greed and envy understood; used to improve oneself if so wanted. Gluttony was celebrated in the form of seeking anything better; no shame in the gratification of the senses was bestowed upon siblings in these halls. Even sloth was tolerated, to a point, if one could avoid Imperator’s notice. 

But the sin most freely indulged here, was perhaps lust, for those who so chose to partake. Half of the abbey was fucking each other, their lust spilling over even to the fine denizens of the village below, at times. All a part of their corrupting influence, the Sister supposed, with a sly smile. Hail Satan indeed.

In persona Satan, the Papas certainly had their hands, and their beds, full. Papa Secondo had a growing entourage of favoured sisters, and Terzo had many relationships with many siblings, both long-term and casual. Even Sister Imperator would invite a select few who’d caught her eye, into her and Nihil’s bed for some sweet use as an occasional plaything. And the Cardinal? The musing Sister supposed he fucked, he had a certain lecherous air to him in the way that he skulked about the place. He looked damnably good in those suits too, and the cassock. But his probable partner or partners remained a mystery. 

Perhaps he enjoyed his carnal relations in his travels away from the abbey? Or maybe he had some naughty little secret down in the supposed laboratory below, a dark place he often holed himself up in for days; no one else was allowed down there. Porn or panty-sniffing or something detached of that nature; the Cardinal could have a way of looking at you, a corporeal body willing or at least curious to engage in something with him, like you weren’t worth his precious time. The Sister sniffed a little to herself as she stepped along.

Oh, but she was being a bit mean… The Cardinal was as fine a dark clergyman as the abbey could utilize. He was astute, thorough, and just in his work imparting the faith’s teachings to all souls present. He assisted the Papas probably more than they deserved, and apparently was instrumental in keeping other satanic dicasteries reigned in and on task, if Imperator’s quiet but firm praise was to be believed. Just because he had never been known to finger a girl while she queried him about devilish dogma in the pew (as Papa Terzo often did), didn’t mean he wasn’t fair and sometimes even austerely pleasant in his answering. He gave mass and advice, took confession with feigned concern, and even provided limited medical care around the abbey. He seemed to be highly educated; clearly occupied with himself and yet coolly interested in the further establishment of the place. A solid cog in the wheel, his polished teeth apathetic towards any sweet flesh he could find here. 

It was just too bad for the few siblings who would have followed him into his darkened office, if his sharp leather gloves had but gestured. 

Ah well, the Sister had a lot of time spread out before her to explore every earthly and carnal delight available to her here. Her titillating thoughts so occupied, she almost didn’t hear the curious sounds coming from around the next darkened and solitary corner, as she turned it silently…

There was the Cardinal, of all people! And he was… 

Cassock undone and hatless, he was fucking, clearly fucking hard into someone he was holding down on the narrow hall table there against the shadowed stony wall. The astonished Sister stepped back immediately into the sheltered darkness of an old columned alcove, but she couldn’t look away.

He was fucking the maid that Imperator had brought on some far months back! The sweet young thing who barely talked and mostly kept out of the way; the Sister couldn’t even remember her name at the moment. But it was clearly her, panties pulled down to her knees and short skirt flipped up, bent over flush against the table with his gloved fingers tangled up in her loosened hair. The mousy strands couldn’t hide the flush on her tear-stained cheeks… she was crying! Well, for all his privileged station, he really was a bastard, wasn’t he? The Sister prepared herself to step forward.

The Cardinal bent his head down to the poor girl, and whispered something low, his thrusts into her becoming slow and deliberate. The girl gasped a little and then she smiled; she actually grinned through bitten lip, and then the Sister could see her cant her hips a little, attempting to grind back against the Cardinal’s cock. He gasped himself, clearly trying to be quiet, before he raised his hand to spank the girl sharply, forcing from her a little shriek she quickly stifled with her own hand. The Sister backed up against the wall in the darkness. 

Pulling out of his conquest, the Cardinal flipped her over, and she sat up herself to fling her arms around his shoulders, kissing him breathlessly while he unbuttoned her blouse in a reckless manner. With more of her pliant body revealed to him, he pushed her down again, grasping her hips within his gloves to yank her down to the edge of the table, and wrenching her legs open. 

Clearly penetrating her again, the Cardinal ran his hand up her writhing form to cover her gasping mouth, quieting her little moans with every one of his thrusts and trying desperately to keep his own noises down, his great pleasure apparent, and threatening to overwhelm him in this secretive little tryst. 

The Sister didn’t dare allow herself to breathe. As the Cardinal leant over his compliant prey, erratic thrusts intensifying, and the girl began to hug his waist with her bare knees, ecstatic sounds barely escaping his glove, the Sister thought she’d better evade herself from the intimate situation before its inevitable conclusion. 

Sliding back along the stone, she turned as soon as she felt able to, quickly and quietly returning in the direction she’d come from. Her serene musings had certainly been ruined, and rather uncomfortably exchanged for a bothersome stirring in her private regions. Perhaps she’d seek out a charming sibling for some specialized comfort, or maybe even bolster her confidence to approach one of the Papas tonight. 

Flushing a bit underneath her veil, the Sister let out a breath and tried to process what she had just witnessed. It wasn’t exactly forbidden, it simply seemed more illicit than it was because of their furtiveness and the long-running obscurity of the Cardinal’s lusts. Lust. The Sister certainly had this most popular sin on the brain, itching to get out of her rapidly stifling habit, as she made her way back into the more amply lit parts of the antiquated abbey. A den of sin, indeed, both illuminated and not. Hail Satan and All Sinners, she thought to herself. The unholy night went on. 

#sadglo #copia and mouse #ask box #anon ask #thank you so much for inspiring me

[fangirleaconmigo]

Now that I'm tracing and using references, I'm loving learning to draw. I don't feel so discouraged by the fact that I can't just do everything from my head immediately.

It scratches a different itch from writing, because I take my writing suuuper seriously and I'd like to do it for a living one day. I push myself hard to improve, and it's a part of my self identity I think, for good or for bad. I care deeply how other people react to it.

The drawing is just...I want more ways to express my love for stories and fictional characters. This is just one hundred per cent indulgent, which is liberating.

I'm still me, so I want to improve all the time (it's a thing) but the end goal is seriously just to make pretty, sexy, creepy, or whatever cool shit for stuff I love. And while I loveeee compliments, ultimately I am not bothered if people like it or not, because that's beside the point.

This must be how people with healthy relationships to their writing feel. XD

#des learns to art

[aurorangen]

It was about time for Renee to find out

Transcript & Explanation:

[Renee walks along the beach and sees Robbie with his friends…and Keon]

Renee: I need to speak to you. Robbie: [sighs] What do you want? Spit it out here. Renee: Alone.

Renee: Stay away from Keon. Robbie: Why should I do that? [under his breath] My god you're so fucking annoying. Renee: [debating whether to tell him what happened] He's trouble.

Robbie: I don't know what history you two have or how you even know him, but at least Keon treats me like someone. Not invisible like you do to me at school. Renee: Why can't you listen to me for once? I'm telling you the truth-

Robbie: When things go well, you come and ruin it. But do you know how humiliating it was starting high school and getting ignored by your sister? Oh you don't want to be related to the loser with no friends. Renee: [quietly then loses it] No, it's not like that, that's not fucking important right now-

Robbie: How your reputation as top student would fall if you talked to me? How people pity you for having a brother with issues? Renee: [Renee has never been this angry] Robbie, shut up and listen to me.

Robbie: Get lost. I don't wanna hear it.

...

I know I didn't show any of their interactions at school or focus much on Robbie having a hard time, but everything he said is true: Renee has not been the most supportive big sister. Being overshadowed by her all his life, pressure from his Dad as a kid, favouritism, low confidence, everything adds up to how he is now. And it really is a shame he doesn't believe Renee.

#ts4 #sims 4 #ts4 gameplay #ts4 legacy #postcard legacy #postcard gen 2 #renee reichmann #robbie reichmann #i didnt show their difficult relationship but its actually THIS BAD #i didnt want it to go this bad but it makes it all more interesting #over the years it got worse but i dont think i presented it too well #some things the game autonomously did (him being mean and all) #his fears confidence and family dynamics. others i made them do #i always think of ideas later on and if i could i would go back and #do everything differently #with a stronger storytelling element #but it is what it is im improving now

[puhpandas]

I literally cant imagine beckory any age below 14 because it only works if tony develops as a person and also if they're a bit older + gregory has had time to get used to having friends and family 😭 which is why 12yo default gregory is still 100% a family boy aka his new fam is all he needs for the time being

#listen i only like beckory in a specific circumstance #not changing canon but in events after canon thats a hypothetical #i never thought about shippjng gregory until now because he needed friends and family #leagues more than a ship #and that still applies here to me #i always want to write tony as gregorys friend before the ship #because they need to BECOME friends first #its the unique circumstances of their relationship that im obsessed with jaheisueu #i always portray them older in drawings even if they wear the same outfits #bc thats just my bad for forgetting to change them #but all my beckory art is always in a context where #gregory has 3 star fam and has had them for a bit #and hes been friends with tony and ellis for a while too #so hes had a chance to lean into that routine and get used to having ppl in his life #i think if he started thinking about romance at like 14 #thatd be another good sign for how his life has improved #that he can even think about it at all #yknow #pandas.txt #pandas talks #was just thinking about this today #i never considered shipping gregory in the 2 years hes been by fav #not only bc of the reasons above #but bc the only ship you even could have done was like gregory and evan #and obviously i didnt like that 💀 #evan is the same way in that scenario #where he needs ppl who like him at all and good friends b4 anything

[tomwambsgans]

tomgreg is about the fantasy of being able to find someone who genuinely likes that you're mean and in fact thrives very well being needed in the particular kind of fucked up way that you need someone which makes it so you don't actually have to work that much to strip away your superiority complex in order to be loved for who you are

#mine #tomgreg #like wait i can kind of very openly see you as an extension of myself and you LIKE it? jackpot #(slash pos obviously there's a lot of nuance here and tom is very selfless underneath it all) #anyway genuinely tho i do feel like a bit of their thesis is very purposefully lacking the notion of self-improvement #like tom def does work to change the parts of himself that harm greg - WHEN he learns that they do #but there's a certain like. ok maybe it's just me and my personal revelations #in any case those revelations are that it's NOT necessarily the goal for every person and every relationship to be any particular #idea of 'healthy' #like yeah sure MAYBE if greg went to therapy and if he really WANTED to he could become someone who didn't tolerate #the way that tom as a closeted man is only able to express affection #but like... if he CAN tolerate it... if he's pathologically WIRED. even. to tolerate it #then is it really harmful? #if it's love and if both parties are willing and passionate is it REALLY bad? does it REALLY need to change? #maybe the diversity of the human condition simply includes #that what's horrible for one man is ideal for another #and that includes the people you love. idk

[bumblingbabooshka]

On the topic of Harry and Kes being proteges to Janeway and Tuvok respectively - both of them developing mommy/daddy issues despite having perfectly normal and healthy relationships with their parents.

#Janeway mommy issues (spontaneous development) vs Tuvok daddy issues (deepening problem) #Janeway will give you mommy issues regardless of your relationship with your actual mother #Tuvok will not GIVE you daddy issues but if you already have them? Brother. They're about to get worse. #<- Why Harry is immune but Tom is not #Tom and B'Elanna are double K.O'd by Tuvok & Janeway #I think Kes still has unresolved stuff with her father since he died so soon and she obviously still misses him #would be enough. #Tuvok just gives the vibe of someone who is not trying at all to be fatherly to others and yet somehow keeps attracting people who have #bad relationships with their own father. #Like 'And you can be my dad' (I don't want to be your father) 'Great! You already know your lines!' #Important: Tuvok will never IMPROVE your daddy issues unless you're a very specific type of person #Like for Kes I think she'd make it out fine but Tom would kill himself trying to gain Tuvok's approval #He wouldn't even know why #voy

[alienheartattack]

Me: All fanfiction is valid!

Also me, gripping my bejeweled chalice in rage: Character x reader is a pox upon the land

#HOT TAKE ALERT #i don't wanna yuck people's yum but i hate that shit #it is fundamentally bad writing because y/n is not a character to be developed #i am also just generally in favor of putting at least *some* veneer of creativity on your wank fantasy #cxr is just mask off fapping #and it feels weirdly low effort compared to the alternatives #i don't think you can really improve very much as a writer if you exclusively write character x reader #it's too awkward to sustain a plot so you just get oneshots and pwp #which have their purpose but you don't want those to be the only tools in your toolbox #not to mention that a lot of the characters read as OOC since we can't see their development of their relationship with y/n #on a personal level it doesn't appeal to me because i don't want to fuck the characters #idk i wonder if cxr is the new mary sue self insert but if so it's less creative than develping an OC! #i'd rather see a million obnoxiously perfect mary sue OCs than a single y/n #fanfic is a labor of love and i wanna see that WORK

[youngpettyqueen]

I wish we got more episodes that explored Margaret and the nurses and their relationships that were like. written well

#mash #margaret houlihan #I do like The Nurses but I hate the Margaret plot line in it where it turns out she's so upset because they dont talk to her #I think it would've actually been interesting to explore that through the nurses and Margaret discussing that #and Margaret being held accountable for how awful she's been to the nurses because she has been absolutely awful to them #multiple times #but the narrative instead acts like the nurses were at fault somehow and thats where it loses me #and its especially annoying because in other episodes Margaret takes more responsibility for how she feels isolated #and acknowledges that its her own doing #just. bad writing #the episodes that deal with Margaret and the nurses feel like they miss most of the time #and there's little to no consistency in those relationships #they dont particularly improve after this episode #Margaret being awful to the nurses continues to be a plot point in multiple episodes #and even then sometimes thats like. the intended plot point #but she isnt even being that awful #like in Images I think it is when she wants to transfer out the nurse who keeps breaking down #like sorry I think she was right for that #and the episode treats her like a villain #I could write an essay on Margaret's writing when it comes to her relationships with the nurses and where it fails #saw a gifset from The Nurses and didnt want to dump all this in the tags so here's this

[batfamfucker]

I will now be personally headcanoning that Bruce pulled Tim aside one day to ask his opinion on if Tim would ever consider changing or adding Alfred to his middle name(s). I've always interpreted Jack Drake as having been abusive towards Tim, due to some of the comics where he's been violent and such (Like the time he destroyed some of Tim's belongings and such when he was angry at him, or the straight up neglect when Jack and Janet went to explore the world regularly and leave Tim behind, forgot his birthday, etc), and so I feel like sometimes Tim would feel icky about keeping his middle name as 'Jackson' after his biological father (I'm surprised he ever kept 'Drake' and didn't just fully move to 'Wayne', but alas). I feel like Bruce would also be aware that Tim sometimes feels left out of the family, especially due to the early years of him and Damian's dynamic and constantly being told he was never Bruce's 'real son'. It doesn't take a lot of common sense to realise those kind of words will linger, even after the brothers have improved their relationship. I had originally thought to consider this with Damian, but he's already named after Thomas, so I feel as though Bruce would choose Tim so that he gets to both honour his second father, and let Tim know that he will always be Bruce's son and a part of the family, regardless of DNA. Tim accepts, and so his middle name becomes Alfred, instead of Jackson.

Alfred doesn't find out until he's going over some family legal documents and sees it. He cries when he does.

#I feel as though Bruce would have also considered Jason especially when Jason adores Alfred #And he knows Jason can also feel estranged from the family for obvious reasons #So I feel he would've discussed it with him too as well as Dick to let them know that he isn't trying to leave either of them out #Or make them feel like they're not his sons. But he thinks it would really help Tim's ongoing doubts whilst ensuring he wasn't named #After his abuser (Again I'm ignoring the Drake thing) #And I think Jason and Dick would be understand of it. Dick is named after his biological dad who he loves so he's all good. And Jason is #Aware that Bruce loves him after some therapy and family counselling sessions that Bruce took them to to improve their relationship #Which worked. So Jason knows Bruce is always going to cherish him as his son despite their history. And also both #Brothers are very aware of Tim's feelings (Jason and Tim have bonded over it. He knows how bad Tim can get mentally when he thinks about it #too much) so Jason is completely fine letting his baby brother have the name. Makes up for those bad early days between them a little #Which Jason does still feel guilty about and has talked over with Tim during some of their deep talks where he apologised for it. #Either way I feel like it's the classic Big BrotherTM who also wants his Baby BrotherTM to be okay even if he doesn't admit it #I'm also headcanoning that Cass who didn't have a middle name was approached by Bruce who asked if she liked Martha as a contender #She definitely did #Anyway- I won't tag everyone because I've used half the tag limit already so just the ones in the post #Tim Drake #Bruce Wayne #Alfred Pennyworth #Robin #Red Robin #Batman #Agent A #Tim Drake Wayne #Tim Wayne #Batfamily #Abuse mention tw #Headcanon

[cringelordofchaos]

Emotion achieved: empathy (only for a fictional character though)

#djxmd #d.d......... #episode 87 jacksons diary. #the whole time i was feeling rly bad for exer bc exer said “i canngo to therapy. i love you” to his dad. but his dadz face looked soulles #and for some reasjn mt brain is making me think that means his dad DOESNT want exer to improve or thinks he doesnt deserve love ... WHICH IS #WRONG !! “i need to find a way to help both jackson and exer” - harry campell. direct quote #but still. it made me FEEL LIKE he hated his son for some reason (WHICH IS UNTRUE) #which made ke feel bad for exer? and i accidentally thought of me and my own parents. like “lmao what kf your mom doesnt think you deserve- #- love but js only pretending you do“. and i got really sad and i cried. idk why i dojt have mommy issues just #uhxkx. mannnnn. #i LOVE HARRY BTW !!! AND HIS FATHER-SON RELATIONSHIP W EXER #MY BRAIN JUST MAKES ME THINK IRRATIONAL THINGS SOMETIMES #jacksons diary #webtoon #exer campbell

[reinedeslys-central]

so like sometimes it's only been a couple hours after you've eaten and you're wondering if you're wondering if you're hungry - but maybe you're just, like, hungry in your head, right? Not actually hungry? So you don't need to eat because that would be overeating, like at a buffet where you stop eating when your stomach feels like it's going to burst? wrong your stomach has an early warning system

no yeah fast forward to two hours later when you're kinda lowkey starving and you go, oh. huh. bodies don't lie.

listen to your organs y'all 😅

#also i think it's cool that sometimes when you're hungry or half-hungry you can kinda wade in the fog of it and find out what you're craving #like oh im really craving....rice #just rice #so I go #oh!! carbs!! you're low on energy and probably really tired and stressed atm!! here you go body!! have some good fast-energy glucose!! #and other times you just really want something cold and crunchy and kinda sweet and sharp and tasty and I go #you haven't been having your fruits son go pack an apple and some celery and some peanut butter with those nice fats to help with digestion #I have such a weird relationship with food and eating lol #we are Improving #listen to your body!! It's telling you what it needs! It's never overeating if you're giving your body what it Actually wants and needs #I wanted smth crunchy and salty did I want chips or grilled chicken #and yes 'junk' foods are useful too. I just have to remember to consider when it's an indulgence craving necessity or a crutch #I'm not a dietician but it still holds that no foods are bad!! just work with your body #it's hard sometimes but it's always there for you and getting you through the day so you gotta be there for it too! #take care of those daily functions!! #message to everyone and more to myself lol #food #eating #eating habits #self care #healthy eating

[aeide-thea]

ugh

saw a post with a quote that basically tidily summed up the rebuttal i'd half-started drafting to someone's post about how homosociality in tolkien ~queers amatonormativity~ [spoiler: on the contrary, male homosociality has been engaged in a three-way handshake with both misogynist heterosexuality and amatonormativity for literal millennia, and far from undermining them, more typically serves as essential reinforcement], so i was like, great, now i don't have to actually write that essay, i can just reblog this instead and tag it #tolkien! :)

but then, like a conscientious idiot, i went and dutifully looked up the book it was from, because i think it's irresponsible to cite excerpts whose context you aren't familiar with; and very predictably it turned out to be by a r*dfem and to make all sorts of claims abt so-called 'phallocratic culture' that i dislike, both as a trans person and ally myself and also as a logical thinker who can tell perfectly well from, you know, lived experience of our society that having a penis doesn't in fact confer ready social acceptance, never mind dominance, on people who don't otherwise look or act the part of a Proper Man, because ultimately what we reflexively defer to is a particular vibe, produced by a combination of physique and affect and other things besides, which may imply the presence of a penis but neither actually reveals nor necessitates one…

so like. ugh. probably i'm gonna have to write my own essay after all. :/

#i don't know much about marilyn frye and it doesn't look from a quick google as though she's on par with some of the really nasty t*rfs #but like. you don't have to be vitriolic to still be fundamentally approaching the world in a cissexist way #that gives too much credence to ideas abt Men and Women even as it resents them #like in this essay she comes out with shit like #'women generally have good experiential reason to associate negative values and feelings with penises' #and like. i don't identify as a woman but presumably a r*dfem would class me as a ''''female person'''' so like. #speaking from that classification—can't relate!! #(i mean‚ dgmw‚ i don't want to be dismissive of experiences that were forced‚ or coercive‚ or consensual but painful‚ or or or) #(and it's not that i haven't myself had experiences where people were bad about consent with me) #(but personally i would say i associate negative values and feelings with those *people* and their *behavior‚* not with Penises per se.) #and maybe it's just like. that i'm speaking after literally 50 years of gender progress #like frye does in fact concede that a reframed relationship to penises would be an improvement #(''if penises were enjoyed a good deal more and worshipped a great deal less‚ everyone's understanding of… power and of love would change #beyond recognition and much for the better'') #so maybe it's just like. hi that's me! i'm there! enjoying them! :) #but i just feel like. i don't need to be drawing from a well that takes cisheteronormative constructs this much for granted #and thinks the way to escape them is separatism #as if the knife that cuts Women away from Men weren't cutting some of us in half‚ not 2 mention being itself a cisheteronormative construct #but like. the decontextualized quote really was tempting… :/ #anyway. some people vent about normal things; i vent about shit like this‚ i guess!

[ev1lmorty]

feel v mean calling out soecific meta but im still kindve fuming over a post i saw w a bit too much engagement a few months ago implying erick couldve never gotten physical w emorty bc if he had emorty wouldve not put up w him as long or wouldve easily been able to defend themself actually it was a poll like. rallying abt what kind of abuse everyone thought emorty had endured like placing bets on how badly rick brutalized him. have we lost the fucking plot lol

#the way u can tell a lot of meta treats morty abuse as some sort of voyeuristic hobby #god i have bitched abt this on my priv so often i forget if ive said it here but i wish ppl could go #yeah i want to fuck rick n i acknowledge he is an abusive figure in his familys life or he didnt ysed to be this bad #but he allowed himself to let go of reality n become this person #like rick isnt just abusive in bed dominating ur reader in planned consenual dom settings. lol. anyways #idk i wuv rnm for having a portrayal of an abusive relationship i can actually fully relate to including the complicated codependent #feelings n having to navigate when things improve n the person gets better n what ur supposed to do when yr basically #left to pick the pieces up urself n how much of the tradegy behind their actions help n how much doesnt matter #im rambling now bc its v v late #also like enabling family when ur created in abuse it keeps going n going ppl no longer are able to acknowledge beths complicity #n jerrys apathy despite being the family scapegoat n at a similiar position to morty but its the quiet parent who tries to stay down #who enables it the most etc #summer loves her brother but gains something from the dynamic if she engages in the toxicity i could go #on #but it still comes back to rick.

[khlur]

every time i talk w my parents i have to remind myself not to get swayed by their doting affectionate act.

#i mean see #becoming older has made me recognize and appreciate them for a lot of what they did #but to say that i am doing anything except lip service to them rn would be an exaggeration #our relationship has improved but i have made it clear that i never intend to live with them ever again #that the honeymoon period will last 2 days max #they'll cry their crocodile tears #and the emotional abuse will restart like it never stopped #that the physical abuse would have continued if i didn't threaten them by throwing chairs and a knife #like....these past few months have given me such fucking WHIPLASH #it almost makes me forget just how dysfunctional our dynamic has been #how i got away relatively well adjusted because i psychologied myself through clinical and counselling psych classes #how they refuse to take the blame absolutely for my brother's issues surfacing now in his adulthood #ever so often something so viscerally twisted will happen on a call or on the group chat which makes me want to hurt myself #and that serves as a wake up call abt how bad shit used to be #and how glad i am to be away from it all #but every few weeks i will be lulled back into thinking that maybe things weren't so bad #i'm also swayed so much by the people around me rn who hesitate so much to talk about anything that isn't small talk #either that or they're people who really love their parents and enjoy spending time with them #and i'm like....respectfully i cannot relate and neither can the bamboo rod that once broke in two bcs of how hard my parents wielded it <3 #and ofc when families come up in conversation everyone acts like it's a normal thing for there to be ups and downs #w so much unsaid and implied about how i'm actually an ungrateful POS who can't appreciate their parents sacrificing so much for me #hehe. no thanks. keep ur judgement to urself

[slugandthorn]

Putting my journal down realizing maybe I shouldn't make a written plan to socialize more efficiently

#.txt #Is efficiently the right word. Diary entry incoming. #Going back and forth in recent days with feeling okay with one sided social stimulation and that's just kind of how my brain works #And recognizing I will not look like a well rounded person because I'm not able to maintain other people's interest in an acquaintanceship #It is likely. At least some part due to like labor isolation and all I do is work I do not have life events to interest people #All I can talk about is video games but incredibly limits the social pool because I like bad games. #And also to some degree distrust and the assumption my presence is unwanted. Which I've been working on a lot! #Today in particular is probably just a bad day. #And I have been very focused on life plans for the past week or so which has become very daunting #Planning on starting a business this year. Which is probably why I'm stressing about being able to reach people. #As it will become financially relevant and not just a personal failing I have accepted. #Reasonably it is probably a therapy thing to address being so afraid of other people. But I do not want to go to therapyyyy I'll do it. #Myself. #Normally. #Not dipping into woe is me I have no one territory at least as bad as I did when I was younger. Recognizing a pattern that I am enacting. #My responsibility to improve. Yada yada. I just wish it was a bit easier to feel my like. Presence. #And the constant improvement mindset straying into never good enough is very difficult to avoid. #And it's not a matter of being a good enough person to have close relationships. But I think its easiest to ascribe personal failure #When you are unable to do something. Well the most likely culprit is probably never leaving the house and being undiagnosed. #Which I can arguably do things about. #Also I'm tired. But I'm going to work on my resume tonight anyway and hope tummy pain passes and maybe talking to people will be easier #Another day.