#is it not enough to feel sad irl

[graveyard-cuddles]

As embarrassing as it is to admit, Astarion's pick up lines would work on me but only because I have zero experience being flirted with and he's literally so gorgeous I wouldn't even be able to pay attention to half of what he's saying.

He'd be giving his whole goofy ass cringey "our collective ecstasy" bs and I'd just be hearing white noise in my head from my brain short-circuiting.

#my ass would've been in cazador's cellar so fucking easily it's actually sad lmao #def not making this post bc im sitting here wishing someone could make me feel that desirable irl haha #that would be so silly #fr tho as someone who was never flirted with irl before like EVER it does make me feel a lil self conscious #when ppl are like “who would be dumb enough to fall for that??” umm... #someone w no experience w being flirted w i guess lol #its fine im fine

[clonerightsagenda]

Just relistened to Jacobi's speech about progress and again contemplating my headcanon that Goddard near singlehandedly pulled the Wolf 359 universe off a climate cliff a few decades earlier than we're hitting ours and that's why so many self-described idealists (especially older members of the cast) are willing to work with them and delude themselves about the collateral damage.

#feel like Goddard might be very big with the ecofascist crowd #'we've saved the planet! now to make sure it's only populated with the kinds of people WE approve of' #everyone else in the 40s or so: the climate might start changing in a few decades? hm. sad #Matthew Neumann in the 40s or so: unacceptable since I am planning on never dying #do not take this post as me believing tech solutions are enough to fix the climate crisis irl #we need mass collective action etc etc #wolf 359

[alsojnpie]

no it's not. what a stupid comparison. how is throwing away the hard unchewable part of the cheese wheel that's left behind after you're done gnawing off the good part anything like going through and tediously separating a bowl of pasta from its sauce. it's nothing like that at all you fool!!!!

#looking at the things i felt like keeping here and then looking at how harshly i censored myself feels really really dumb #i do it enough irl and that makes it just a stupid idea to do here #truly it does make me more sad when i feel like something is too stupid and annoying to say here. than when i feel that irl #that's how the irl world works but this place isn't like that #look at my dumb thoughts that i wanted to write down. that feeling is dead to me here and if it comes back I'll kill it again #anyway this article was stupid. in the end i just threw away the cheese rinds. #they're technically edible but then again so is the wax. yech

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

reading thru user i share w/‘s blog bc i hate myself and theyre better than me and it makes me sad n sick feeling: very cool, healthy

#f/o #self ship #i feel so guilty and not good enough #lol erm aaahhhhh #like even irl i feel sick nd i have to remind myself IT ISNT REAL #but it’s the same triggered feeling as like genuine anxiety it’s so sad i hate myself so much #i wish i cld just be better #.vent

[ravensmadreads]

.

#i know nobodys really lurking around waiting for me #but just in case i thought id leave this #and like a coward #imma do it at the time i know most of my mutual are offline #anywayyyyyy #im just not feeling great guys im not gonna lie #tbh shits been piling up for a long time #special love to the pedro fandom cause i managed to hyperfixate on it long enough to fend some off #but it's getting bad again #im really grateful for all the love the cm and pedro fandom gave me #and all the lovely friends i managed to find despite the fact that i contribute nothing but vaguely unhinged tags and thots #i know im leaving a couple of series unread in the middle and im sorry about it #The Big Sad is making things hard and irl is kicking my butt big time #there's nothing i want more than to hang out with y'all banging pots and pans and screaming about your talent #but its hard to bring up any kind of enthusiasm right now #and i dont wanna half ass tags/comments when you guys put such soul into your work #so its not goodbye its just a tiny break (hopefully) while i try to smack my brain into submission #I'll try to leave some stuff in the queue #kisses and hugs to you all #raven talks

[nctjpeg]

how i look after deluding myself for so long thinking this mf actually cared about me because they did things such as “telling me how much they care about me” and “showering me in attention for months and introducing me to all of their friends” and me communicating to them “hey this is super cool and you make me really happy so i hope you don’t lose interest and move onto the next girl once i’m no longer bright and shiny and new to you” and them being like “I would NEVER do that” only for them to do Literally Exactly That™️ so after all that internal work i had to do to even let someone into my life as a potentially significant friend again they just pulled back as soon as I wasn’t fun anymore so NO we were never actually friends and YES i was probably just a sex object meant to boost their ego because they deeply dislike themselves

#it’s okay i screamed ‘FUCK YOU’ and ‘GO TO HELL’ at them a bunch last night #out of context irl drama #at the same time I also Get It. like. they weren’t signing up for all my internal bullshit when they swiped me on hinge #like i would distance from me too but they kept insisting that’s wasn’t what was happening #it just makes me so sad and so frustrated because i knew how this would end #i feel like a lot of people in these situations can feel like they aren’t ‘enough’ #and what i hate is that I was SO VERY MUCH ENOUGH #like i am beautiful and smart and talented and hardworking and funny and charming and interesting and strong and accomplished #and it can STILL NOT BE ENOUGH. and it’s INFURIATING. because what MORE do I have to be? what do YOU think you deserve?

[moinsbienquekaworu]

Still not over that time I watched a video where a guy said you were supposed to feel happy to see Obi-Wan beating Vader at the end of ep 3. Imagine misunderstanding a film that thoroughly and still pretending you know what its flaws were and how it could be fixed.

#absolutely insane #and he didn't say that as like. a deep analysis. it was his building block!! #he was all 'okay so you're supposed to feel happy when obi-wan wins right? so when x happens there should be y instead' #like babe what the fuck. how do you see obi-wan yell you were my brother anakin i loved you and go Ah Yes This Man Is Winning How Nice #i mean i don't have media literacy either but i don't make videos about how to fix the media i don't understand y'know #at best i make a 5-note tumblr post & rant about it irl to my friends #just..... what's wrong in his head. how do you make any more apparent that this moment is painful and sad. what the hell. #unsurprisingly mr wrong about star wars made like 2-3 videos about rey being a mary sue #he probably has shit takes about comics as well but i don't know comics well enough to ascertain that #wow i have a ramble tag now

[clownattack]

Whenever i am told thangs abt the leech i just go. What an embarrassing person gosh

#iykyk #god damn #The stupidest and most oblivious person ive ever came in relatively close contact with /gen. With several ppl who know them irl agreeing #i kind of feel bad they dont even realize this but not gonna bother myself with it its just me going damn #unfortunate #apparently they are under impression im a lurker. one of their MANY projections but possibly the funniest/most pathetic one #i literally did not see their blog/crs blog since waaay back when we were still getting along #i have 0 reason to go in their spaces #last ive heard they were obsessively going thru tags on my posts day in and out #at work out of work #that makes ONE lurker in all this haha even crink knew to stop at some point LMAO #literally all i know is from ppl telling me soz m8 #osmosis #just. the fact they believe ppl care enough to lurk on them is really funny in a sad way #ive been told they are paranoid abt one of their followers or something? #theyre nobody i know but stay paranoid ig #the assumption ppl would care enough #i was chortling while having old pellets read out for me #i would have to be insane to care abt what someone like that says #by which i mean an undiagnosed unmanaged shut in #quote /the universe hates them/ #definitely nothing to do with them being a mess #fitting that they have an alter ego/sona that is just their bad traits concentrated #like yeah. why are we even upset LMAO #projection town on their end allllllll the way it just screams /unwell and out of the loop/ #they dont know... ajajaj... #night was not happy abt that post no surprise there #YES they are enabling infidelity yes they are inserting themself. was supposed to stay in the house a few months and now. poor night jfc #nine months to go is too long #im so glad she told them

[americanphancakes]

I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit

I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.

So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.

I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.

(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)

I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.

I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.

At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.

When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.

My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?

I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.

Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.

So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3

#long post #me irl #i'm sure i had a tag for original posts but i dont' know wtf it was #it's been awhile #I'm too damn old to already have so many regrets #i'm mourning a lot of goals i had once that are no longer options #or even things i'm not as interested in doing anymore #like i'm still sad i didn't do them in the first place even tho i don't wanna do them now #but some stuff i really do want to do #and i hope to regrow my childhood will power soon enough that i can do them #cuz yeah there is a proper midlife crisis going on now #i am halfway to death if i'm lucky #and my life has never been my own #so i'm trying to seize it back but it is really hard to do #I feel like tumblr is the only site that would know where this post is coming from #anywhere else i know it'd just be seen as a sob story excuse or something #i mostly just wanted anyone who's been an abuse victim in a similar way to realize that that's what it is #because i resisted accepting it for so long #and it cost me so much time

[hgduo]

I wish I had more time to properly catch up on qsmp, I just feel so impossibly behind

#I was hoping I’d be able to catch up last week but a lot of things suddenly came up irl… #lately I feel like I don’t even have time on my days off and esp. not enough privacy to enjoy my time off #sorry this is kinda venty I’ve just been really overwhelmed and stressed lately lol #irl life has been kicking my ass lately ;u; #I’m just sad cuz I really like this series and wish I could engage with it more but I feel so insecure about everything I say #cuz I am so behind on vod watching and liveblogs can only help so much yeah :( #I wish we had a blueberry tv type of channel but that’s a TALL order to ask for #again sorry for this weird vent- I just need to let some steam out cuz it was starting to get to me bottling up my frustration this long 😅 #vent

[avatardoggo]

,

#so my best friend died this morning and i’m not handling it well i’ve cried 5 times today and i was balling my eyes out in the shower and im #scared to sleep bc ik i’ll have nightmares. and it doesn’t seem real like she’s not dead she can’t be and i didn’t find out first hand her #sister told one of our friends and she texted me and i thought i was hallucinating bc wtfreak and now i feel like crap bc i kept thinking of #her towards the end of august like should i visit her just to tell her how i feel in person and then just leave? but i was scared and worrie #about her rejecting me to my face and now she’s gone and i feel like i didn’t try hard enough to save our friendship and ya she’s in heaven #but she’s not here and and we like all the same things so when i think about the pjo live action or the new solangelo book or atlab or freak #ing anything it just connects to her bc now she won’t be able to see those things like we were so excited to geek out together and now i can #t bc she’s gone and even if she were here she wouldn’t want to be with me and i have school and i want to do well but i can’t focus but i do #nt want to use her death as an excuse and i hate myself bc part of me was her and her favorite color was pink and it became mine too bc it r #reminded me of her and i stopped being her best friend but she never stopped being mine even when she was ignoring me and i was angry at ber #i still loved her and she was the first irl person i told about my SAD and OCD and now she’s gone and my best friend is dead #and she was one of the few people that Knew me yk? like she just got me and i got her and she ignored me and now she’s dead #so ya i’m not ok so if y’all could pray for me that’d be great <3 #vk overshares in the tags

[lateseptemberdawn]

It's so confusing even to me sometimes especially when it perhaps matters the most how I am an empath as in I will feel like crying while watching someone else cry out if their hearts and I could literally feel their pain but then I'm also so detached like so much so that if someone I know is going through something (as in trouble in paradise (yeah I'm eloquent)) and completely losing it over that person, not being able to function properly like not eating being sad feeling depressed -- it just makes no sense to me??? Like I can't even begin to try to comfort other than just pat pat like??? So you found out they don't care about you don't you just instantly lose all feelings as well? Don't you feel cheated and ridiculed?? Does that mean nothing to you, your self-respect?? And if it does all those things then why do you feel sad. What do you feel sad for. I would feel angry. So incredibly angry and I would simply think I was an idiot to not notice the signs or to stay for as long as I did and it would be like a switch just completely off. I don't think I could ever hold a human above myself. And this makes me wonder if I could ever love at all.

#like ive thought about this ofc but just #it came to me again today #bc someone i know is going through it so im jusy #so lost? like bro snap out of it she used such a lame ass excuse and youre gullible and naive enough to take it at face value and cling on #and crying and feeling sad and sorry and taking your anger out on everybody else #and its extra pathetic the way i always knew that what that person felt was one sided from the beginning and kept telling them about it but #they were so in on their head #like insane level delusion #and i had to comfort them and all i could do was spit out bitter facts #and theyre v immature and like kinda narcissistic #and ik youre not supposed to tell them the bitter truth so soon but that also doesnt make sense to me #oh god am i antiromantic? i dont think so? like ive had crushes before? #im definitely in LOVE w my fav characters and tae and zayn #huh so maybe i am just hopeless irl #well. we'll see about that ig #comfort #antiromantic #detachment

[porcelainmind]

redid the room :3

#IM SO HAPPY W IT #it feels like me and i feel so comfy #Yes i hung up that big ass mirror myself pls be proud of me #it looks so much better irl which is sad but this is good enough

[arthur-r]

tonight is my last night sleeping in my bed. possibly for the rest of my life. and my last time in my room possibly for the rest of my life. and i want to just get a good night’s sleep to be ready for a long day tomorrow but it’s really not working out like that.

#my family is still up in the air maybe selling this house within the next month #in which case i will never be in this room ever again. otherwise i will be back for the holidays so there’s still a month of this bedroom #if we sell the house in the spring instead (only rational option there’s no way we can empty it in time) #especially since i will not be in this house whatsoever until after that sell date. my mom all by herself can’t empty it all #anyway i’m struggling a bit. saying goodbye to my home of 14 years???? #i’ve been through a lot in this place and most of it is bad memories but like. every good memory i have is from here too…. #and everyone i know irl is staying local i’m the only one who’s leaving. one irl friend is going to the same school as me but we had a fight #within the past month and i don’t think we’re ever going to recover because she just kind of never treated me like a person #so i’m starting from scratch and it’s really.. like fuck i want to get out of here but i’m also not at all ready to actually leave #i’m just going to miss all the stupid little things so much. even my online memories are tied to this place #like the woods down the street where my deer friends live and the ditch i fell into back in the day and all the places i’ve gotten lost #and they’ll be right here waiting for me and i’m SO excited for college i am but why does it have to feel so sudden???? #i dont know how anyone does it.. and all my friends are going to colleges in their hometown so i don’t even have anyone to compare with #i found out today that if we keep the house through the winter my mom is planning on using my room as a guest room and office. and of course #that makes sense and everything but now i have the most crushing guilt for not cleaning it up well enough. i thought it would be okay and #i’d just have to deal with it when i come back and i didn’t know she wanted to use it and she’s going to box up all of my things without me #and i feel guilty that i didn’t do that and i feel scared and upset because it’s my things and my room i don’t want it to change #i’m just really anxious and sad and scared and i don’t know what to do. school is going to be good but none of this feels real or normal #and i just feel sick and scared and i don’t know what to do. waking up at 8am and leaving at 9am and moving in at 2pm and that will be it #my mom and sister are staying for a couple days and that will be good i hope. i dont know i feel so conflicted about everything #and i’m tired and sick and angry and overwhelmed and i just want to take a week off and come back alive again #and i guess that’s what i’m about to do.. after i move in there’s eight days before college starts and all i’ll be doing is moving in #(and welcome week activities. and a lot of sleeping. but hopefully i’m gonna get a rollator through a loan program and that will help a lot) #anyway here’s what’s going on. i’m going to maybe try to sleep i guess. but if anyone has advice or encouragement about moving to college.. #now is the time i really need it. it’s just so strange and conflicted and everyone i know has been telling me i just need to get out of here #and myself included i really want to get out of here. but how can i start anew when everyone i’ve loved is shattered. and what have you #think i have to listen to that song for long enough to remember how badly i want to leave…. #i’m just really not feeling well. i’m angry that i never got to have the childhood i deserved #because now i’m leaving and that means it’s officially over…. i’m just really not feeling well. i think i’m running out of tags…. #i hope you all are well. i’ll be around in the morning maybe.. i’m not sure. hope everyone has a good night

[queerhydrangea]

.

#i feel so stupid because i’m still processing the tl finale and i still feel numb and angry and sad about it #i don't want to be so affected by a tv show this is silly #but every time i see a rebecca gifset on my dash i start crying #can't bring myself to reblog them rn 😭 #honestly i think i never cried so much like these past two days #it's just a tv show!! but one that means so much to me #and atm it's hard to separate this rushed canon ending from my beloved characters 💔 #no ending was ever gonna be good enough for rebecca but...this?? #still feels like a very bad joke to me #rambles #(and yes i actually have a life. and basically non of my irls know the show) #(no one has asked about my puffy eyes yet. don't know if thats good or bad) #(hilarious sidenote: the person with whom i do talk about the show is my sister now ex boyfriend) #(when they were still together the show was actually something very nice we could connect about) #anyway. it's gonna take some time and great au's

[victory-cookies]

the only irl friend I have that I feel comfortable actually talking about the things I enjoy with just insulted me for gushing about smth to her over snap last night and now I want to cry

#this is going in the tags bc it’s stupid but it’s making me sad so #the only irl friend I have that I actually felt comfortable sharing my interests with just made fun of me #for gushing to her about smth over snap last night #and I’m at work rn so I can’t even cry bc in a few minutes I’m back out on the floor #but just like. I think I have rsd (especially around my interests and then my intelligence but that’s not pertinent here) #so I’ve never really been super open about what things interest me bc when I get made fun of for it or those things get insulted #It really hurts #the only people I’ve really felt comfortable opening up to are like. Sid obv and then this one friend of mine #bc the two of us found out we shared some interests and started like. telling each other about other things we like #I’d tell her about my silly little tv shows and podcasts and she’d tell me about the movies and books she was into #and I’ve explained to her before how I’ve never really been comfortable enough to talk about that shit and how I appreciated her being kind #and not insulting me like other people have in the past #but today I’m sitting on break and watching the replies she sent me and one of them is just a clip in response to my video from last night #where she just goes ‘girl I literally don’t care’ (and this was not in a joking way like that was her response #and it was in a tone that implied ‘so shut up about it’) #and like I get it! I am often not interested in the things that people tell me about! but I try to be earnest and engaged #and I can understand loving smth and wanting to share it with others! and how it sucks when people are then mean about it! #like when she tells me about a teen drama romance book or sends me instagram reels of cake decorating I try to respond with enthusiasm! #bc while the content may not interest me I like hearing about the things she enjoys and I’m glad she feels open to telling me about stuff! #but now I don’t want to share shit with her anymore bc this has given me a huge spike in anxiety and I feel like shit #idk. it’s stupid but it sucks #vent #ig