thinking about sanji and usopp arguing about something completely stupid. meaningless. it's not even worth the fight but they're both stubborn and trying to prove their point. usopp takes a step forward, only because. there's not really a reason behind it, he just moves.
and sanji twitches. tenses. his whole body stops because his whole world stops right there. he's used to fighting. with marimo. and used to take punches. like the ones zeff used to teach him a lesson but always taking care of him right after. so he always keeps his guard up. he's always expecting some pain, in any shape or form.
with usopp it's different. because why would he have to be prepared for a fight with the love of his life? especially when it's usopp the one we're talking about.
but usopp takes that step forward, and fear overcomes his body completely. because he used to not be scared of his dad. because there was a time when his brothers didn't beat him up, before realizing sanji was weak enough to do so.
and it's stupid and he notices right after. but usopp notices first.
they don't talk about it. sanji doesn't want to talk about it and usopp knows because the sniper has somehow learned what every single gesture he makes means. usopp laughs it off and apologizes (even though sanji is so damn sure he was the one who was wrong this time) and takes his hand. carefully. actually only leaving it close to sanji's for the cook to hold his first.
and it's nice. the warmth. being able to breathe. that iron mask was always freezing and suffocating.
they don't talk about it but usopp knows, somehow, and decides to hold him rather than to judge him or hit him or leave him. and it's such a dumb thought, now that he's holding his boyfriend's hand, because he would never do any of those things.
but usopp knows without knowing and loves him nevertheless. and maybe someday he'll explain everything to him, but right now holding him is more than enough for both of them.
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Went to an event called Queer Awakenings which was a panel discussing the films that made people feel seen and was the realisation that they were queer. It opened up to the audience and I got to talk about The Captain and how I related to the way his story was about self acceptance and feeling comfortable in your own skin. I genuinely did not fully understand the concept of a Comfort Character til I saw Cap.
We're very different in many ways but the thing that resonated with me the most was the fact he never explicitly Comes Out™. That's not the point of his story. Everyone can clearly see he's a gay man. It's the fact that the Captain learns that it's okay to be gay. He learns that he doesn't have to hide that part of himself (anymore).
We both have being a gay man in common. But that's not what stuck with me personally. I've never liked the idea of sitting down and "having a talk" and coming out (specifically as trans). It just sounds excruciating and Cring™ and "why should I have to explain myself" blah blah blah. I remember when I finally came out to my parents and told them my name I somehow felt stupid for choosing it. AAAAAAA.
ANYWAYS, even before I had the words for Trans I knew something was up. But when I finally discovered the word I immediately went "no that's not me. I just find having a chest annoying that's all" (which some cis AFAB people might and fair enough but that wasn't the case for me). It took me YEARS to accept that I was in fact trans like how it took the Captain YEARS to accept the fact he was gay.
It's that slow realisation that it's okay to be who you are. Deep down we both knew what was always there. But being able to tell ourselves that it's okay and safe and all that shit was the tough part. And seeing the Captain have that same struggle (in a different but still queer way) was absolutely groundbreaking for me. A lotta the queer stories I'd seen up until that point were focused on Coming Out™ and people being unaccepting. Ghosts was probably the first time I'd seen someone struggle with Accepting Themselves.
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