#it always hurts worse than before

[lgbtlunaverse]

I think one aspect of Nie Mingjue that is critically overlooked in fandom is that he failed.

What I mean is that I think it's strongly implied that a significant part of Nie Mingjue's moral rigidity and his tendency to universally fall back on his principles instead of trying to see the unique context of a new situation is that he is strongly aware that at some point his sense of judgement will be greatly impaired due to the saber curse, and he hopes that a strong rule-based morality system that he sticks to at all times-- ignoring any specfic feelings or doubts that may arise-- will help mitigate the damage when that happens. If he's trained himself to ignore his instincts and stick to the rules, he can continue doing the right thing even after he emotionally can no longer tell what the right thing is!

And it fails! Miserably! He essentially tried to destroy his ancestral curse with Facts and Logic and it didn't work! And he doesn't even realize that it's no longer working because surprise surprise: the curse that severely affects your sense of judgement also ruins your ability to gauge whether you're still standing by those rules you made up for yourself.

And the system was flawed from the get-go, because there is no such thing as a set of moral rules that are so universally applicable you'll never have to make unclear decision in edge-cases or re-evalutate the rules themselves based on new information-- a thing this system won't let him do because What If That's The Curse Talking? (nmj is basically a walking version of the slippery slope fallacy. Any small change is bad because it will lead to eventual catastrophy)-- and also because facts unfortunately do in fact care about your feelings and your attempt to be objective and unclouded by your emotions is still going to be subjective and informed by your own views, which is why Nie Mingjue's moral code has a core tentant that says self-sacrifice is not only Good but Mandatory and wanting to live is Bad, actually.

But even if the rules had somehow been perfect it would still, in the end, have failed. Right as the moment Nie Mingjue made that whole fucking system for arrives, it becomes useless. It's honestly really dark and tragic and deeply fascinating because of that.

Any fix-it that includes Nie Mingjue recovering from late stage saber poisoning should include him being absolutely horrified. Not just in the generic "oh my god I'm so sorry I hurt you" way, but in the sense that the thing he has committed to to the utmost degree since he was a child failed completely and instantly without him even noticing. Dedicated most of his life to it and it didn't matter at all. That's gonna fuck with a guy's head.

#it's not just a re-evaluation of what you thought was wrong or right but rebuilding your entire worldview from scratch #mdzs #nie mingjue #mdzs meta #like!! holy shit!! isn't it fucking tragic? isn't it compelling? it doesn't matter how hard you tried you were set up for failure #doomed from the start in even more ways than you thought #like nie mingjue had made peace with the fact that he was always gonna die but the idea that he was unavoidably going to hurt people? #worse. so much worse #Doesn't matter that you'll break before you bend if you were born with a crook in you

[uncanny-tranny]

Too often, humbleness and humility are conflated with downplaying everything about yourself, to make yourself stand out as little as possible, and to compartmentalize anything and everything that makes you you.

Humility and being humble are seen as a way to apologize for being, I've noticed. "Oh, I'm not a good singer or a good writer or that talented or or or..." it is a knee-jerk reaction, one that I think many people use to protect themselves from the hurt of being belittled for their talents or interests or appearance, or anything you may value.

My whole point in this post is that there is a huge difference between being humble and humiliating yourself before anybody has the chance to. I want to encourage people to reflect on how they view humbleness and how one might use humbleness to self-flagelate and punish themself for who they are. It is so hard to break this cycle, but you are worth the time and effort it takes to love and value who and what you are. Everything that makes you you is worth it.

#advice #i don't even know what to tag this as honestly #but it always makes me sad when you notice that somebody may just be trying to humiliate themself in the guise of being humble #and i don't want to assign any moral value to this because so many people genuinely want to hurt themself before others can #and i have found myself doing that too... how can you hurt me if i am already hurt? #how can you hurt me worse than i can? #but: do you deserve that hurt? do you truly deserve to be kicked down and then some? i truly truly doubt it #i just want to invite people to consider how they talk about themself and how it *may* impact how they treat themself #how you treat yourself is just as important as how other people treat you i believe

[mahuhumaling]

the last thing Pat wants is to let Pran slip through his fingers again.

— a drabble inspired by this fanart where Pat stays awake after the end of epsiode 4. he sits up and looks at Pran who has his back turned, asleep.

why does Pran drive him away? does he not care, did those 3 years apart mean nothing to him that he can just push Pat away so nonchalantly?

all he wants is to be back in Pran's life again — whatever that takes.

maybe it's easier to fall back on the kind of relationship they had before, instead of anything else because it's familiar: the genuine moments hidden beneath fake hostility, the teasing, the way Pran's whines don't quite reach his eyes, the way he relents at the end, as if he can never really hate him.

but now.

now maybe he's gone too far. he says he hates him, and for a minute Pat believes it.

maybe there's a pink painted line he crossed, an invisible road sign he missed, an alarm he slept through.

either way, hearing it stings. right there, in his chest. sharp. quick. the kind that makes him double over.

Pat replies with something, anything, to retort. it comes out flat, sounding more compensating than a diss.

he lays back down when he sees Pran roll over, closes his eyes even though surprisingly he's not that fatigued from the rugby game, and feels Pran tug the blanket back to his.

Pat lets him.

he stays awake, his mind not shutting down and his body still jittery.

but he has his eyes closed and feels his chest rise and fall from the breathing.

Pat opens it again and sits up. when he lays his chin on top of his crossed arms, the only thing he sees is Pran's back. he feels relief wash over himself.

at least Pran gets to rest. he knows that shoulder is still hurting him.

Pat doesn't get it.

what would it take for Pran to look at him like he did before? to talk to him as he did back in highschool?

he doesn't get it.

there's still something sitting on his stomach, heavy, unidentifiable. he can't figure out what.

but maybe if he sleeps it off, he eventually will.

maybe tomorrow, he thinks as he inevitably dozes off, succumbing to the night.

maybe tomorrow.

tomorrow when he wakes up, he'll realize why.

#bad buddy #bad buddy series #bad buddy the series #bbs #patpran #saturn #i once tweeted this before #but pat's characterization in his pre-realization is excellent because #the only thing worse than being hyperaware of your own feelings (pran) is not being aware at all. #pat being kept in the dark by his own emotions is so heartbreaking to me #i've never experienced it because i'm more the pran type #but it must hurt. to just /not know/. and to always ask why #if you look at pran's actions from pat's view he always seems so cold. and pat wants nothing more but warmth. #so how would he get there? how would he earn it? #...he doesn't know #like there's always something missing. a void in his heart

[kilibaggins]

/ tw vent idk exactly triggers so just be careful and dont read just in case idk

#im so like... tired. #im tired of myself #im tired of life #everything is just so bad lately #and im so tired of it all #i just want everything to be okay but i screw everything up and make things worse because i cant keep my mouth shut #and i dont rhink before i act and 99% of the time im fine but then i just screw up and ruin everything #im tires of working all the time im tired of feeling like crao im ired of everything going wrong and being bad #my birthday suvked other than ONE PERSON who made it worth it. the only person who made myday feel good. who made me feel worth soemthing #and i screwed up with them and pro hurt them and now im just so angry at myself because i always ruin good rhings

[hella1975]

choked up in my room rn bc i was sat in the car with my mum completely lost in thought and she out of nowhere went 'are you okay?' and i was like 'yeah? why?' bc i was totally fine i was literally just thinking and she let it go and then five entire minutes later she goes 'are you sure? have i done something?' and she sounded so genuinely anxious and i could tell she'd been thinking about it the entire 5 minutes while id been completely oblivious and i spent so many years as a child letting everything bottle up until it all burst out in a messy and ugly breakdown that took her down with me and despite that she never hated me she only ever blamed herself for not seeing the signs and she's never been able to see my signs because i keep everything to myself and it terrifies her that she might miss something and she handles things poorly when she's scared and she gets too angry but fundamentally she's trying her absolute hardest to be a good mother and it wasn't always enough and i know i have to hold her at least partially accountable but also she's my mum and im her daughter and she always just wants to know if im okay and most of the time im not and somehow that feels like ive betrayed her

#like my mum is such a loud powerful force of a woman that these little moments of vulnerability where she's just HONEST with me #and she shows me that she's worried or scared or unsure instead of just constantly putting up a strong front #always always bowl me over #like ive literally said to her time and time again that i'd find it easier to communicate with her if she wasn't so strong all the time #like of course i hate crying and being emotional in front of you when youve made it v clear my whole life that you hate doing that #when it's you that's the one being emotional like that's not fair #but also being strong all the time is literally a survival thing she had no choice but to implement bc her own life was so hard #so how can i just ask her to lower those walls for me? even if keeping them up is to both our detriment? #and like ive talked on here before how she's openly admitted to me that she finds my temper harder to handle than my sister's #even tho mine is quieter and significantly less messy. but she's also said to me that in general she finds my sister easier to deal with #bc my sister's so open and if she's angry she yells if she's sad she cries if she's happy she talks ur ear off etc etc #i just insist on handling everything myself and the worse i feel the more i deal on my own and it TERRIFIES my mum #BECAUSE it's led to mistakes in the past but also just bc i have never ever doubted that she has so much love for me in her heart #like even when our relationship was at its worst it was never ever a lack of love and she just does genuinely care and worry about me #it's just if she's scared she just gets ANGRY and her angry means her hurting my feelings and my feelings being hurt means i shut down MORE #and it's literally the worst combo but we love each other so much that we're both clawing through it anyway it makes me want to cry #and because she's always so strong i FORGET that there's just a scared vulnerable person behind those walls #that has no idea what she's doing bc her own mum never taught her anything good #and my mum blames herself so completely for every bad thing like she says things like 'i feel like ive failed' and idk how to tell her #that she IS messy and incredibly flawed and she HAS done things that have hurt me beyond comprehension #and there are bad parts of my personality that exist because of her and her alone #but ive also done terrible things to her too like not even considering the fact our responses arent compatible and that hurts her #i also did some DUMB shit when i first started tackling ye olde mental illness that had a HUGELY negative impact on everyone around me #but she is still my favourite person in the world and my best friend and i love her and i know she loves me and i just want to hold her #girls when their mum isnt an all powerful being but instead a flawed human trying their best: SKJDGHKDJSHGJKSDHGJKSH #hella goes home

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

I think I understand Antigone and I'm making this no one else's problem but my own. I can deal with my own devices even if those devices always break. I'm not trying to complain. I'm not complaining. I know this has to be right but I'm still here laying on the couch. world's smallest violin or whatever they say. if you go know you go as one beloved although you go without your mind.

#who can FUCKING grow me a new brother pardon my language #it’s even WORSE than you guys know literally the only person with the context here is gurt and that’s bc she spent half a month visiting #like i literally cannot explain how much this hurts why can’t i ever fucking keep anything in my life #why do i always have to be the girl who loses things why is this what God has for me why can’t i just have something to hold onto #my sister in law is leaving WE'RE TAKING HER TO THE AIRPORT tomorrow TOMMOROW #and she's the ONLY person im this safe with the ONLY person who I have like this #I'm laying on the couch freaking crying. I can't imagine being in this house without her. I don't WANT to be in this house without her #and I didn't hug my brother before he left #I'm not going to see them again for over a year and I didn't hug him before he left and it's worse than you all know #and I just fucking want something to keep #again. pardon my language #Lu rambles #sometimes I think I could write poetry

[spacejammie-eimmajecaps]

The thing about chronic pain is that I'll be experiencing the usual horrors (pain and discomfort that isn't possible to fully ignore) but I'm not even phased, like this is just a normal Wednesday night for me.

#it hurts but i can ignore it if i keep myself occupied with other stuff #which means its not that bad #but its bad enough that trying to sleep is out of the question #and that means its another night of taking melatonin with as much advil as my kidneys can tolerate and hoping for the best #disabilty pride month except instead of pride i feel nothing but apathy and discomfort #ngl i am getting more and more discouraged as time goes on bc i am getting less and less good days #and i am losing abilities ive always taken for granted #like being able to drive for longer than 20 minutes #or doing chores #or literally just being able to stand long enough to like cook a single without it using up all my energy for the day #not even exaggerating #i can at best cook one meal a day now #on bad days i cannot cook anything that cant just be microwaved or popped in the toaster #ever since i had covid last summer it seems like my health started getting worse at a much faster rate that it was before #my neurologist said it probably triggered cfs/me and that its basically a form a long covid #which fucking sucks so bad #like exercise helps some of my other conditions but i cannot exercise at all anymore without triggering a bad crash #there is no winning #siiiiiiiiiiigh #its fine though #we carry on

[mosstrades]

Ya boy's deleted/locked himself out of every social media except for Tumblr. It won! It fucking won! Don't forget you're here forever!

#(and youtube and discord im not a monk) #It's the way exploitative content algorithms are easily circumvented. and the rigorous dash curation. and my frens:-) #it's a shame bc social media is like... useful for meeting ppl and accessing good creative works and genuinely worthwhile stuff #but i guess now I'm gonna have to go outside for that kinda stuff #can't hurt to try #nick.txt #if not for the gruesome app-ification of regular life (i need an app to access my fucking washing machine) i wouldve sincerely switched to #using a flip phone #and just kept my computer as a way to access the Webs #the webs arent inherently negative! theyre such a good tool! i just have brainworms as-is and its all DESIGNED to make them worse #i read so many books before i got a phone. and tbf. that was ALSO when the mental illness hit. which was unrelated. #so it's not ALL just because im always on that damn phone #but still #so many hours i lose on fucking reddit of all things. 4 hours watching instagram reels and i retained absolutely fuck all #and no roadblocks i set for myself (timers and uninstalling the apps and everything) are enough #i cant keep doing this dude. im gonna be 20 next year. i miss *books*. I miss writing and drawing and going outside just to be outside #i AM genuinely sad at how not having instagram will make having a social life in uni actually harder lmao but we stay silly #if i die and god shows me how many hours i spent on twitter and the number has more than two digits im gonna get so depressed ill die twice

[navramanan]

sorry but i'm so delighted over how diaspora arabs have been realizing that turkey is very hostile towards them which is why many of them thought twice about going on vacation there and decided not to. take this as a lesson to NOT idealize a country to absurd amounts like the muslim diaspora loves doing with turkey

#we been telling yall how racist these people can be and yeah it's gotten worse enough for diaspora to know about it #but theyve BEEN hostile towards arabs even before that. these people have insane european complex #see themselves as european and therefore better than middle easterners #the soft power turkey has has had muslims everywhere in a choke hollllllld with the tv shows and what not #when you notice youve turned into a borderline fanatic for a country/culture maybe stop and think wtf am i doing #trust if a country possesses a significant amount of soft power ESPECIALLY over a certain demographic #theyre just trying to gain sympathy for vile shit theyre doing #it's a powerful tool to turn people silent over crimes ur committing #after all how can someone accept that their fav culture exporter does bad things? #it's always easier to turn the other way and not deal with your own position #i guess it only goes so far until it hurts you personally :) bc people have forgotten what empathy is #nesi rants

[tunakat]

I was complaining about my arthritis as usual and this RANDOM TWINK came up like "actually you don't have arthritis because you are a teenager and not old" and then bro tried to find sources and was proven wrong, then was just like "i guess..."

boy if you dont get your rooty tooty fruity ass out of my face right now istg

#like why would i lie about that?? i wish i was man #my knees? only been getting worse despite listening to doctors when theyre like “just work out more xoxo” #my finger joints? they fucking hurt all the time #always have actually #like literally for years its been an issue #i cant stand or walk for more than like 10 mins before im in intense pain <3 #also my elbows and shoulders are fucked despite the fact i worked out for a long time and did stretches and stay hydrated and shit #only reason i stopped was because of how much it began to hurt #i cant even bike with friends now #i used to be able to bike like 20 miles every day #now i cant even go half of the exact same route #but oh yeaaa no clearly im just lying and im fine yeah okay mr. random twink ass kid on the internet #whos entire personality is listening to nicki minaj and being a discord moderator #cw vent

[mxdotpng]

we. as a community. are severally lacking in anything about richard and asbel trying to kill each other.

EDIT: these tags have become less and less about asbel and richard killing each other. i am so sorry. do not ask me to speak about anything ever this is exactly what happens every time.

#.text #ohhh i could fix them. are you listening to me? #i genuinely did enjoy graces (<- hasnt actually finished it yet) and i love it DEARLY but i NEED to overhaul everything #could you imagine? asbel's entire character is about wanting to save people. he wants to save everyone he can #he wants to save sophie. he wants to save richard. but nothing really comes from that #what if he had to learn he cant save people alone? he told richard at the beginning that he couldnt shoulder everything. #thats what asbel is there for. to help richard shoulder his burdens. but asbel never had to learn the same. #he always saw it as his Own duty to save others - its HIS duty to save sophie. its HIS duty to save richard. #there are no consequences to this- he doesnt run himself into the ground #or end up hurting his friends. he doesnt run off alone and have them chase him. proving that they are there to help him #shoulder the same burdens he helps richard with. sophie doesnt get worse for this and neither does richard. #what if he had to learn that there were different ways to save people? he had used direct action constantly. every single time. #but what if he had to face the fact that thats not what everyone wants let alone needs? if he were to learn that some people #can be saved by saving themself. or that some people can be saved just by speaking to them rather than #having their problems fixed for them. what then? or if he were to meet someone who just. couldnt be saved. #i do think richard should live at the end -- i really do like that. BUT. #i think asbel should have had a chance to learn that maybe the only way to save richard was to kill him. #maybe this happens -- i dont know yet. i stopped right before the ending i believe. but i dont think it does. #he is the one to constantly. constantly. try to help others. and seek ways to help others. he doesnt know his place in the world #but when he can help someone find theirs. or help someone make sure they Stay here. he feels like he has one. #that his existence. him being saved. was not a mistake. and that he is meant to be here. #but i think i would have liked to see him learn that in some cases. some very tragic cases. there is salvation in death. #plus i think. it wouldve been nice to have someone tell asbel that sometimes people Cant get help. sometimes #the only way they can be saved is if they save themselves. because it means so Much. so many different things #it happens to sophie and richard and i feel like it should have happened to asbel too. its evident he does not care about #himself as much as he should. he has not forgiven himself for something that happened as a child. and he doesnt forgive himself for #things out of his control too. he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders -- except that weight is self imposed. and it is going #to kill him one of these days. it Should. there shoulf be consequences. #i dont knoww i just think the themes of the game kind of miss because of how little theyre actually implimented throughout the game #even though i enjoyed it SOOOO much genuinely. i really did.

[guinevereslancelot]

anyone else up experiencing pain or perhaps suffering

#leg pain strikes again its really bad today 😭 #i think im literally just causing it by tensing the muscle without meaning to possibly while im asleep idk #but it hurts soo bad and i cant make it relax :( #ive been stretching and massaging but its not really helping #i just put a heating pad on it feels a bit better but idk #i dont think i will make it actually better but its helping i think #not sure what else to do #going to try to find some kind of muscle relaxants over the counter idk #i just aged out of my parents insurance and still unemployed so i have to handle it myself #im pretty sure its just stress anyway so idk if a doctor could help but im paranoid its Something More than stress #but it has to be all my medical problems are always stress related lol #this has been like two years off and on but its worse today than its everr been im in agony rn #i have given up stretching it i think i will hurt myself before it makes any improvement #this has been a shitpost #chronic pain tw #disabled tag

[the-kipsabian]

.

#i hate the fact that im so conditioned to put everyone else ahead of my own feelings cause it just makes me feel like shit at times #i cant talk about stuff that would make me feel better cause it would make someone else feel worse #i cant express my feelings properly cause i feel like it makes everyone else uncomfortable #which makes them hate me. and leave me. like has been the cycle so many years in the past #so i bottle it up. tell myself its okay they dont need to know. and then it torments me but im so scared to say anything #cause i will be the villain no matter what they say. i know it. and then i'll end up alone. yet again #thats just how it is. thats how it always has been. always will be #i should honestly accept it that im meant to be always alone and just cut everyone out of my life before i really do hurt someone #well. more than i probably already have #anyways... #night is an absolute mess on main

[zukkaoru]

my body really said "anything a person could possibly get a headache from is going to be something you are susceptible to headaches from" and now i'm expected to just live like this

#tw periods #pretty sure today's means my period is coming soon #and this is the kind that ibuprofen doesn't usually help 🤪 #i will get headaches from lack of sleep. lack of food / water. before it rains. before my period. during my period. when i don't wear my #glasses enough. when it's too bright. when it's too hot. any time i'm sick with anything. sometimes after driving for a couple hours. #when i look at a screen for too long. when i try to read when there's background noise. when there's too much noise. when the noise is not #necessarily loud but just Bad. when sensory overload happens. and just whenever my head decides it's Time To Hurt #probably more too. i always forget the things that give me headaches until they're happening and i'm like OH THAT'S WHY MY HEAD HURTS #anyway. praying that the headache at least doesn't get any worse than it is #hello grace here

[meateater-lamb]

#vent in the tags idk #i hate my fucking life #i actually fucking hate my life. so much #i havent had something good happen since 2019. not one thing #its just gone downhill #which is insane bc it was already terrible 3 years ago but SURPRISE. IT CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE #fucking hell #im like 90% certain im chronically ill but its not like i can really go to the doctor. #i dont want to risk covid. #so my health just keeps deteriorating #i cant even breathe right at all anymore #the effort it takes to take a full. deep. breath. its so much. and it hurts. #and im so dizzy all the time. i can be laying down totally still and the room will be spinning still #im so isolated due to the pandemic ive genuinely forgotten how to interact with people irl #not that i knew how before. or that i wasnt already isolated before. but its so bad now #and my heart has gotten weaker. i can feel it. it pounds out of my chest and skips beats and shit at random. so much more than it used to #and i keep having panic attacks bc im afraid im dying and i keep having nightmares and holy shit i just want to be ok #is that too much to ask??? to be okay??? for life to get better for once??????? #and i dont even wanna get into the mental shit im going through or the highkey abusive situation im in but its bad and i just. jesus christ #god. #idk #i just needed to rant for a minute ill prolly delete this when i get back up. im going to bed.

[daydreamerdrew]

Iron Man (1968) #13

#the way that Tony always ends up questioning whether or not it’s immoral for him to be happy and have relationships with other people #and ends up just sabotaging his own personal life #we’ve gotten stuff before with him being conflicted over having to divide his time between being Iron Man and being Tony Stark #and whether or not one of them does more good so it’s selfish of him to spend time as the other #and we’ve gotten stuff with his weak heart and how he thinks it’s wrong for him to have close relationships when he could die at anytime #and hurt the other person #(which is a situation he makes worse by straining his heart as Iron Man) #now it’s about whether having feelings for other people would impede his duties as Iron Man #this all just comes across as Tony specifically having issues with just being a person #rather than anything inherent to being a superhero #and it’s great I’m finding him really interesting #also I appreciate Janice’s line that ‘if your bodyguard were here I’d kiss him… armor plate or not!’ #I think just because I’m only reading through Tony’s solo comics right now and not his Avengers appearances #I’m not really seeing people be friendly with Iron Man so much #marvel #tony stark #janice cord #my posts #comic panels