#it brought back too many memories AGH

[ghostbustersreborn]

chapter 4

december 5th, 1984.

snow days brought back a lot of good memories from when tara was really little. ones that she knew she'd never forget.

one time it snowed on her birthday and everyone was snowed in at the university. little tara was really upset, because peter was too busy to take her outside to play in the snow. so, ray and egon took her out instead. to say she had a blast that day, was an understatement.

ray and egon did everything they could to make sure she had a fun and happy childhood.

when tara looked out her window this morning. she was more than happy to see it was snowing.

she sprang out of bed, putting all her warmest clothes on.

she ran down the stairs, running past the boys who weren't so wide awake like she was just yet.

peter furrowed his brows when seeing his daughter run past him.

"what's got her so excited?" he wondered.

"it's snowing outside." ray informed him.

"oh, right." he remembered.

when she got outside, tara let out a small squeal.

she absolutely loved this time of the year.

it brought back so many memories and the vibes were immaculate around this time.

she ran across the street where more of the snow was.

she laid right down on it, staying that way for about twenty minutes or so.

she felt a presence standing before her, her eyes had been closed.

she opened them up revealing her father standing before her with a cup of coffee in hand.

"what are you doing?" he asked her.

"living my best life. what about you?" she asked him.

"freezing to death." he said before taking a sip of his coffee.

she sat up. "oh, don't be a pussy. it's not that cold out." she swatted some snow at him.

"it's below freezing tara." he stated.

"so?" she shrugged.

"so? i'm freezing." he clarified.

tara rolled her eyes.

"don't be such a grinch dad." she told him off.

she got up onto her feet, brushing the snow from off her pants.

she let out another sigh as she turned around, looking up at the pale blue cloudless sky.

she had her back on peter for a minute too long.

she gasped when a snowball hit her straight in the back.

she slowly turned around, giving her dad a death stare.

"you.did.not.just.do.that." she said through clenched teeth.

peter couldn't help but smile. "oh, i think i did do that." he confirmed.

tara bent known and made her snowball.

"you are going to regret you did." she told him.

"oh. i don't think i will." he shook his head.

tara threw her snowball right at him, expect peter moved out of the way having missed the snowball by an inch.

she formed another snow ball and another one and another one.

having missed peter each and every time she threw one at him.

"agh!" she groaned. "can't you let me get you just this once?!" she snapped.

he shook his head. "nope. i like seeing you suffer." he told her.

"hmph!" she huffed.

she stormed off, making her way back to the firehouse.

just as she reached the said firehouse, she felt yet another snowball hit the back of her head.

she turned towards her father who was still across the street.

"you gotta work on your aim!" he called out to her.

tara flipped him off before moving inside.

"hmph!" she huffed again, stomping her feet on the welcome mat to get the snow off her boots.

after taking them off. she went inside, going into the kitchen where the rest of the boys were.

"lemme guess, he threw snowballs at you?" winston assumed.

"yep. and he wouldn't let me hit him back." she answered.

she sat down in the empty seat next to winston.

"he's a jerk." she mumbled.

"yeah, he is." he agreed.

"can you get back at him for me?" tara asked him.

"you don't even have to ask, you know i will." he assured her.

tara smiled. "i know."

egon came into the kitchen, he had been working in his lab pretty early this morning.

he was typically up before anyone else.

"hi egon." tara greeted.

"is peter outside?" egon asked.

"yep. he threw snowballs at me." she answered.

the door to the garage closed, indicating peter had just come in.

"speak of the devil.." tara mumbled.

"peter! you're tracking the snow inside!!" they could hear janine yell.

"he is such a five year old." she rolled her eyes.

"that was fun." peter breathed out a sigh, when he entered the kitchen.

"wasn't fun for me." tara grumbled.

"oh, don't be such a grinch." he teased.

she glared at him.

she let out a sigh. "well, i'm going back outside." she announced.

"don't be out too long. i don't want you catching a cold." egon advised.

tara rolled her eyes. "i'll be fine, egon. i promise." she promised him.

when she went outside, she accidentally bumped into someone.

"oh! i'm sorry." tara exclaimed, helping her up.

she was light skinned with brown hair and blue eyes.

"no, no you're good. it was my fault." the girl brushed her off.

"i think it was mine. but whatever." tara said.

"what's your name?" the girl asked.

"my names tara and you?" she said, holding out her hand.

the girl took it, shaking it lightly. "amanda."

"pretty name." tara complimented, retracting her hand from the girl.

"yours too." the girl said back.

"you live around here?" tara asked.

"yeah. just a few blocks down." amanda answered.

"nice. well, it was nice meeting you." tara said with a smile.

"nice meeting you too." amanda said back. "see you around?" she asked.

tara nodded. "sure thing."

amanda and tara said their goodbyes.

tara was so happy she finally made a friend. a friend her own age, someone that was a girl.

*

"guess what." tara said at dinner that evening.

"what?" ray said.

"i made a friend." she announced.

"friends? i don't remember you having any of those before." peter pointed out.

"not sure if i remember you having any either, dad." tara shot back.

"well, what do we call these people?" he asked, pointing to the other boys sitting with them.

"family." tara replied.

peter thought about it for a second and nodded. "true." he agreed with her. "but, i do have friends." he said as he went to go take a bite of his food.

"unless they're imaginary friends then sure you have friends dad." tara sassed him.

"what's their name?" winston asked.

"amanda." she answered.

"does she live close by?" ray asked her.

"yeah, a few blocks down. hopefully, i'll be seeing her more often." tara hoped.

"when did you meet this girl?" egon chimed in.

"oh. um. today." she replied.

"then she isn't your friend, if you just met her." peter corrected her.

tara glared at him. "let me be happy, just this once okay?" she threatened him.

peter thought about it for a moment.

her glare intensified.

he sighed. "fine. i'll let you be happy, just this once." he caved in.

tara sighed. "good. because you wouldn't have heard the end of it."

"i'm pretty good at tuning you out." peter assured her.

"same goes for you." she shot back.

"i'd like to meet this amanda." egon announced.

the last time tara had a friend, egon scared them off by putting the fear of god in them by basically saying if you hurt tara, i hurt you.

"you don't have to do that!" tara denied.

"i will." he protested.

"egon." winston turned to him. "i've heard stories, horror stories of what you told tara's friends when she'd bring them over. just for this once, don't do that. it's okay to be protective, but not to the point where you overstep the boundaries. okay?"

egon sighed. "fine. but if she hurts you." he began.

"egon. it's fine. i've only just met her like today." tara assured him.

"but i'll keep watch." he told her.

"oh, i know you will." tara said, taking a bite out of her steak.

they all knew he would.

#fanfic #fanfiction #ghostbusters #ghostbusters fanfiction #ghostbusters reborn #egon spengler #peter venkman #ray stantz #winston zeddemore

[apenapaperandadoofus]

NOT ME HAVING A WHOLE GODDAMN BREAKDOWN WHILE WATCHING PIXAR’S SOUL T_T

#api talks #dude #when 22 is lost and- #we just see everyone telling her she is never gonna find a purpose and such #I- THAT WAS A PERSONAL ATTACK #It actually got me and I- seriously I did NOT think this movie was going to make me cry #but really the whole people telling her what she was doing wrong and everything #it brought back too many memories AGH #I was legit about to fucking #I dunno flee the room #just run out the window lol #I was seriously about to die T_T #the movie was ok tho pft

[youryanderedaddy]

Best Friends Forever

 Summary: Your best friend finally has you back after all these years, tied up on his bed and ready to learn your lesson.

Tw: nsfw, non-con, slight mention of blood, threats, choking, slight degradation, dirty talk, cursing, infantilization, possessive behavior, patronizing behavior, overuse of petnames, slight dom vibezz 

You knew your boyfriend was a lost cause, an addict so gone he would have done anything for a fix, but you never expected him to stoop so fucking low. 

 You had woken up in a suspiciously familiar place, laying on sheets oh so soft, puffy and white you simply couldn’t mistake the bed you were on. The walls were painted in black and blue, a combination so deeply engraved in your mind you couldn’t shake off the feeling you weren’t trully conscious, but dreaming of a happy yet distant memory of the past. It took you less than a second to realize you were in his room - the one where you had spent so many joyfull sleepless nights back in your youth. The relief was short - lived, though, because the moment you tried to move around, you became aware of the tight rope keeping your sore limbs tied to the wooden bed frame. After a while of twisting and thrashing around while screaming at the top of your lungs for help you finally heard the door open. You hoped you would at last be able to go home now, still desperate to believe this was merely a prank, a way for your junkie of a boyfriend to scare you into giving him money.

 “There is no use trying to escape the bonds, my little love.” His voice emited through the small room, low, smooth as butter and softer than ever. You tried to lift your head and catch a glipse of the person talking, just to make sure you weren’t imagining things or going insane. And there he was in all his glory, the boy, no, the man you knew well looking so different from how you remembered him, but still it felt impossible not to see the many similarities - from the unruly dark curls to the warm gray eyes that used to be your only guide during times of misery and pain. This was none other than your childhood best friend and you had absolutely no idea why you were tied to his bed. “Oliver, why on earth am I here?” You asked as soon as the initial shock had worn off, completely forgetting to address the weird petname the student had called you.

 He smirked slightly before crossing the distance keeping him away from you, and carefully sat down by your left side. He reached out to stroke your cheek in an affectionate way, his fingers lingering for a moment too long for it to be considered a mere platonic gesture. You tried to turn your head away from the warm touch since it made you feel uncomfortable and left you with so many new questions. “I missed you so much, precious.” Oliver took a deep breath and smiled at you, gently moving your jawline so you had no choice but to face him once again. “I was so happy when that disgusting piece of shit you call a boyfriend offered you to me.” The man bent to your shoulder-level and whispered in your ear, his tone so full of sick satisfaction you could swear there was honey dripping from his mouth. “I paid a lot of money to have you back, sweetheart.” He licked his lips in an obscene, suggestive way and you had to supress the sudden urge to vomit as you finally remembered exaclty why you had stopped contacting your best friend once you had started college. The boy used to be clingy, obsessive even, but you could have never guessed it was that bad.

 “Oliver, please untie me, you are scaring me.” You pleaded in a tiny voice, hoping to summon what was left of the goodness he had tucked away deep in his heart. In response the male only chuckled and shook his head as he placed a small kiss against your neck, causing you to shiver in discomfort and disgust while you were mentally debating whether you wanted to kill him or your ex boyfriend first. Soon your spiteful thoughts were replaced by panic when your captor brought his hand to your t-shirt and started unclasping the small buttons one by one. You couldn’t help but turn red from embarassment the moment you felt your nipples harden under his palm and you became painfully aware you weren’t wearing a bra underneath. Your former friend had your tender breasts exposed to the cold air in a matter of seconds, his terrible fingers already pinching and pulling at the erect tips. “You have such pretty tits, darling.” He said huskily while squeezing your boobs, licking and biting the stretched skin. You hissed in pain and squirmed in a desperate attempt to move away but the rope was holding you in place, tightening around your sore injured wrists even more. 

 “I have wanted you for so long, angel.” The student admitted quietly, his stormy eyes fixed on yours, his stare so intense it could burn a hole through you. “Tonight I will make you mine.” Oliver declared with a clear sense of confidence and claimed your lips in a quick rough manner, muffling your pitiful whimpers like a man starved and hungry for flesh. The forced kiss and his deranged words made your stomach turn but something in his longing gaze told you there was a lot more in store. The guess, much to your horror, was soon confirmed when the dark - haired male reached down between your parted legs and easily slipped your panties down to your ankles. With your last bit of protection gone you felt awfully vulnerable, literally naked in front of the beast too keen on the past to see how much he was hurting you right now, in the present. You wanted to scream the second his fat grabby fingers pried your folds open, but choking on your desperate sobs proved easier at that moment.

 “Aww, don’t cry, angel.” Oliver growled playfully and slid his index into your tight entrance, quickly adding a second one before you had the time to adjust properly. “I have to prepare you, baby, otherwise my cock may just tear you apart.” He remarked in low sickening voice, the excuse too crude and vulgar to be an act of caring. You whined as your walls clenched down tight now that there were three fingers stretching your hole, and you berely managed to utter “too full” before your friend pulled you for a deep kiss again, his tongue devouring your mouth, leaving you breathless and queit while sucking in the sweet pained moans. “You can take it, babygirl.” The man groaned against your swollen red lips and grabbed your hips in a strong hold - you were sure there would be purple bruises there tomorrow.

  Eventually, after half an hour of pushing his fingers in and out of your channel, lapping at your neck and leaving wet love marks all over your collarbone, the student was satisfied with his work. He had turned you into a whimpering mess and was ready to thoroughly enjoy the fruits of his labor, whether you liked it or not. “I am going to put it in now, precious.” Oliver pecked you on the cheek just to lick the salty trace of tears off your puffy skin. “I will force my whole length in your perfect little pussy.” Your captor bit your sensitive earlobe and you broke down in tears like a kid, the threat ringing in your ears like the gospel. “This might hurt a bit so I advise you to stay still and relax, baby.” The way the man continued casually, almost cheerfully, as if he wasn’t about to brutally rape you, made your skin crawl, but there was nothing you could do. You were all tied up, powerless to stop him. Suddenly, without any warning, his hard thick member entered you, piercing pain spreading through your whole body. The student panted in pleasure as soon as he thrust his manhood into your heat, the way it sucked him in leaving him high and blissful. You let a few miserable whimpers, the ache too much to bear, his moves too harsh, sudden and deep. 

  “Don’t give me such a-agh tormented expression, my love.” Oliver quickly shushed you by putting his hand over your mouth and pressing down to prevent any noise that might have escaped. His gaze was lustful, insane, but also loving in a twisted, perverse way. “Fuck, I love you so much.” He muttered, his voice gentle for a split second before going back to being taunting and mocking. “I used to be so angry each and every time you dated another guy, another asshole who was only after your body.” The man was rambling now, his face turning red at his own vicious thoughts, his growing anger reflecting in his cloudy pupils and his painful thrusts. “You always chose them over me like a stupid little bitch ...” He whispered dangerously and lifted your body towards his own so you could take his hits even deeper, so deep that you could feel the tip of his member kissing your cervix. “Well, now you don’t have a choice, angel. I have claimed you and I will keep you here forever.” You were crying out in agony, your pussy clamping down around the enormous length slapping again and again against your core. It burned so bad you wished you could dissapear somewhere far away just so you could have a moment of relief. “Oh, sweetheart, I know it hurts, but it’s almost over, you can take it for me, right?” The male cooed at you, switching back to that disgusting, infantilizing baby voice you had already grown to despise. When you failed to respond he gripped your throat, squeezing so tightly blood rushed to your cheeks and you inhaled sharply though your mouth only to feel the suffocation cut your breath short. “Answer me.” He barked through gritted teeth and you nodded frantically, desperate to gasp for air and cling onto dear life. 

 “Good girl.” Your former friend purred, pleased with your obedience, and let go of your neck, grabbing your hips instead. You coughed and drooled pathetically until you managed to resume your breathing, but the man, still buried deep inside you, seemed too caught up in chasing his own pleasure to notice how badly he had hurt you. Fortunately for you Oliver was really close, that much was obvious by his furious shoves at your abused cervix and his low growls each time he lowered his head to kiss you. Soon he came with a loud moan, painting your walls white, your ruined hole dripping with his seed and your blood. 

 Your captor seemed satisfied afterwards, peaceful in a way - there was a small smile adorining his cold lips as he wiped the tears off your face and squished your bruised body against his strong frame in a tight hug. You bit your tongue to stop the tears from overflowing once again, but to no avail. He let you sob in his arms until there wasn’t liquid left in your red, puffy eyes. 

 “You did very well, my love. I am really proud of you.” Oliver kissed your temple gently, resisting the temptation to graze you all over again with his lips, tongue and fingers. “I will help you clean up, then I will fix you some nice dinner.” He murmured in your ear, tickling the heirs on the back of your neck with his warm breath. “Doesn’t this sound good, baby?”

 You closed your eyes and nodded slowly.

#yandere #male yandere x reader #yandere smut #male yandere #yandere oneshot #yandere oc #yandere male x reader #yandere oc x reader #yancore #male yandere x you

[yaoisex]

I’m sad Saiyuuki Reload: Zeroin has ended. I enjoyed this anime. 

I really liked Hazel -

At the beginning his kansai-ben quite annoyed me. But I slowly got used to it, and as the season went by - I ended up loving it a lot!! 

And by ‘a lot’ I mean that I loved this character and his voice so much, and couldn’t wait until he appeared in each episode! 

(Regarding the final episode: RIP my OTP!!. THAT scene made me cry ;__; agh why. I could kind of guess that would happen, but I was still sad about it ;___; /I've never read the manga, only watched that anime)

So anyway, I checked out his seiyuu - Toochika Kouichi. I went through his roles’ list, but I don’t think I recognize him from anything. Well, apparently he was in Saigo no Door wo Shimero!, so I just re-watched that because I forgot about his character or what he sounded like. He sounded cute!! That brought back memories! I forgot there were so many funny scenes there! 

Seems like his first anime role was in the BL OVA - Boku wa Konomama Kaeranai (1994). I’ve actually never watched that one before so I just did. 

Quite the typical old yaoi, nothing much I can add ^^;;

But hey, they were cute~

Going through his list some more, I stumbled upon 07-Ghost. Hmm, I might have to check this anime out! His character looks really pretty, and the PV gave me gay vibes. The rest of the cast is great too, so hey - I think I just found a new anime to watch! 

I don’t have time right now to fully check if he’s done any BLCDs. I saw briefly that he was a minor character in some, and I think he was in a main couple with Kuroda Takaya, so I’ll have to check this one out! 

Long story short - I really enjoy and appreciate his voice! And I love that it just made me spend a few hours going down memory lane and also finding new things to watch! 

#seiyuu #Toochika Kouichi #saiyuuki reload: zeroin #Boku wa Konomama Kaeranai #Saigo no Door wo Shimero! #07-Ghost

[river-bottom-nightmare]

Hey I love your...everything about dick Grayson. I have a terrible memory but I remember someone saying they think dick Grayson has ADHD and I think it was you? If it was can you talk about it a little more? Like, give some examples of traits? I love that headcanon but as someone not that knowledgeable of this stuff I wanted to get someone else's pov on the topic

agh thank you!! and yea, that was me, in this post. that was just me rambling a bit and me jotting stuff down, but i did say if you wanted more i’d be happy to give more. and so, in headcanon format, here is more.

One of Dick Grayson’s defining traits is that he could not sit still. Everybody had noticed it, everybody had commented on it, and everyone pretended to find it annoying while also knowing that his constant fidgeting, bouncing, leaping, talking, and laughing was a comfort. The buzz of energy surrounding him was a constant, and prompted many many people to offhandedly remark to Bruce, “He’s probably got ADHD.” Green Arrow, when Robin was talking Flash’s ear off when he first met the Justice League. A socialite in a dress with a borderline-obscene neckline when Dick came up to him for the eighth time that night, drawing his attention to something new. Even Harley Quinn, as he jumped around her in circles after they’d tied her up to a pole in a warehouse while Bruce copied the data, although she said it with a fond little grin and a bit more, well, educated style.

And if he was being honest? Bruce agreed with all of them. Just, in a different way. 

Dick’s hyperfixiations were a sight to behold. He’d find something interesting to label as his New favourite thing ever, Bruce!!, absorb everything there was to know about the topic, then move on to something new in a month. Which had always been the problem. Bruce couldn’t begin to count the nights he had to coerce Dick into coming downstairs, leaving his rare igneous rock collection or his college-level textbook about nerve paralysis or his new batch of poisonous flowers, and eating something, or going to bed. There was a reason Dick was underweight for most of his life, and still was as an adult.

It was in his “all or nothing” attitude, the way he threw his entire self into the job, or whatever needed to be done. But if he decided something wasn’t worth it, or that he was done, he dropped it entirely, with no lost love. His impulse control was bad, but that was something Bruce could help him with, train him to keep a level head or make the right choice. Though, making choices was another thing to tackle altogether. Choice paralysis was the best way to describe it. If Dick didn’t absolutely make up his mind about something, then he was split, caught between two different choices, and he couldn’t say no to either. 

Jason may have rage coursing through his blood, but his anger was solid, dependable, reliable. Dick’s mood swings, however, were monsters that Bruce had been trying to understand since Dick was a child, his kindness and understanding changing to harsh words and accusatory looks so fast it gave Bruce whiplash. Jason seemed to be one of the few who could wade his way through them, never trying to change him or stop him, just trying to understand him.

Tim’s internal clock may be blown and shot to hell, but it was out of willpower, determination. He had work to do, and he would power through his tiredness until it was done. (And then he’d grab an oversized superboy t-shirt and crash for a couple days on end.) Dick, on the other hand, could not sleep. Lying in a bed made him restless, but sitting in the kitchen hunched over a mug of chamomile tea made gave him a headache. Dick had once told him, in the hours where it was too early to be morning but too late to be night, that he just wanted his brain to stop for once, to just shut off. Bruce didn’t have an answer. Tim, apparently, had an answer, because he would sit up with Dick in that kitchen, turning the lights down low, and talking with him about this cool new spot he found for his photography, or some changes he’s thinking of making to his suit. Tim’s quiet rambling seemed to ease the headache, at least.

Cass and Dick may not have many things in common, at first glance. They never bonded the way they did to other members of the family, the way Cass and Steph learned to laugh together or the way Dick and Jason finally reached an understanding, and were able to just spend time together. Bruce actually thought Cass would get along with Damian, given their shared assassin history. But Damian just looked at him strange, and said “I’m not the one who was raised as a human weapon.” And that...that was true. Cass may have been isolated and alone, and Dick might have been raised with love and affection, but Bruce couldn’t deny that the two of them had been raised, as Damian put it, human weapons. And despite Dick’s ease and grace and innate flexibility, Bruce knew that Dick itched at his skin, sometimes felt uncomfortable and not in control in his own body. But then he saw Dick with Cass one day, stretching and going over some basic yoga poses, the silence between them thick with something heavy and grateful. Bruce memorized the content and peaceful look on his children’s faces, then left as quietly as he’d entered. 

Bruce was no stranger to Stephanie’s self esteem issues, overhearing her in front of the mirror many a time, clothed in the Robin costume and telling herself, in between gritted teeth, “I deserve to be here. I’m good enough. I’ve got this.” As for Dick, his self esteem issues were a tad different. His constant need to make people like him, his jokes and quips that were aimed to make people think he was funny, think he was worth it, his absolute terror of rejection, the way he broke off relationships and had trouble maintaining the ones he did have under the philosophy of leaving before they rejected him for real. A whisper in the back of Bruce’s mind whispered Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, though neither of them were fond of labels. But it wasn’t hard to miss the easy stream of compliments flowing back and forth between Dick and Steph, usually good natured teasing, but no less sincere. It helped them more than they realized.

People may say Damian was violent, rude, and prone to outbursts. And this was true, for the most part. Bruce knew Damian was still getting a handle on his emotions, but he also knew the kid actually meditated in his free time, and most of his actions were well planned and thought out. Dick, on the other hand, had outbursts frequently. He’d just gotten much better at controlling them, or maybe just blowing up at Bruce and hiding them from the rest of the family. And his emotions were a hurricane, a whirlwind of raw power. Regulating him had long since gone out the window. Luckily, Damian seemed think the opposite (or maybe Bruce had given up too early). Dick never actually seemed to enjoy meditating with Damian, but controlling their tempers was something the two of them were working on together, one backing the other up or slow them down, and vice versa. 

Every time someone came up to him, telling him Dick was just so cheerful and hyper and constantly in motion, Bruce was brought back to the first week in the manor, Alfred raising his eyebrow at Bruce after Dick’s latest antics had landed him in his room, refusing to open the door for anyone. Bruce knew Alfred was running through a mental checklist in his head, same as him. Alfred had told him, “This is going to be quite a bit of trouble, Master Bruce.” Bruce had shown his weary agreement. Then Alfred had nodded resolutely, and said “I suppose we shall just love him right, then.”

Bruce knew without a doubt that Alfred had succeeded in that particular promise. But Bruce was still asking himself whether or not he had. 

ADHD is,,,,,,,hard to write. tag list: @comicsandhoney @dangerduckjpeg @yesboopityboop @birdy-bat-writes @astroherogirl @anothertimdrakestan @thebatsandbirdsofgotham @subtleappreciation

#dick grayson #nightwing #dc #batfam #scribbles from the swamp #dick grayson headcanon #nightwing headcanon #dc headcanon #batfam headcanon

[arllenn]

Hey there, I rarely check on Tumblr nowadays due to work and stuff but I've played Dragon Raja for a while now so if it's not too troubling, I would like to request a fic of MC giving Osho and the others a well deserved verbal smack down during the final showdown (the MC didn't blame the Gen siblings for what happened to them and managed to save Erii from Osho). Bonus if MC cut ties from everyone after the mission... Sorry, I'm a huge fan of angst.

Tags for this chapter: angst, violence, all bitter no sweet, respawn system gets abused for angst Tw: cannon typical violence, graphic-ish descriptions of death, blood, suicidal thoughts and almost actions, wounds and the like

You’re clutching yourself as you shake knees getting weaker by the second, hiccuping and heaving the flood of tears that decorates both your face and the street under you with the weight of your emotions are the only constant for you. You’re drowning in your own emotions, phantom pains of all of your recent deaths and revivals clawing at you demanding your attention, demanding your time. You’re hugging yourself trying to mimic the comforting action that you remember from your childhood. “Why isn’t it working.” You choke out sobbing harder as you grip your arms. It’s too tight yet not tight enough, your limbs responding to your pleas is a sign that you’re still alive yes, but, but this is, this isn’t what you want.... this isn’t what you want at all. Your nails are far sharper than you remember them they tore through the flesh of your arms lightly. You could feel Herzog’s claws ripping through your flesh as well, everything hurt, you want to go home, you want to go home, you want to go home.....

But you can’t. Everyone was dead, at one point Caesar had said that Black Swan Bay had sunken, so the actual land was probably gone too, nothing left to remember that place but you Zero and Z. God you wanted to see them right now, the area on your head that he had patted earlier seemed warm giving you a small amount of comfort but also dealing even more damage to your psyche. You wanted to go back to those warm days in your childhood when none of this was known to you. When you weren't running around matchmaking and doing everyone else's work while also getting nothing in return, not a thanks, not even a small indirect amount of appreciation or encouragement. Your legs buckled under you your arms reching out as if to grab onto something to stop you from falling. Your knees met with the ground violently scraping at the skin there. You can't breathe, you can't breathe, youcantbreatheyoucantbreatheyoucantbreatheyoucantbreathe, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, ithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurts, why is he doing this to you didn't he love you? That man, Herzog, had raised you. You had spent so much time at that orphanage, you were so happy. So why.  whywhywhywhywhyhwhywhy. You recalled warm winter nights spent in front of the fireplace curled up with Zero on one side and Z on the other.

You remembered one day specifically. Back then you lot were young, so, so, so, young. You chuckled choking on your tears, that day Z and you had spent a solid hour arguing over who would run over to get Zero, that day it had started raining, then the rain had turned to hail mid hide and seek game. Z had found you moments before the storm started. You two ended up huddled under the ice bridge. The orphanage in sight but seeming miles away due to the storm. Zero had been caught first and had gone back to the courtyard as per the rules so she was probably fine. You needed one of you to go and get her so that she could bring back an umbrella for the other. Then you had heard it, the sound of thunder wolves nearby. Then Z, with no hesitation had, scooped you up put your head under one of the flaps or his jacket and ran back to the cottages. All while you could hear the heavy ‘thunk thunk thunk’ of wolf paws behind you. Looking back on it now those wolves were probably the result of Herzog’s experiments and not a naturally occurring species. The souring of your childhood memory made bile rise in your throat, the thought of looking at your early life through that lens rather than just christmas day made you want to scream. Z and Zero were so different from your seniors. If you had been with any of them back then you knew for a fact that they would’ve sent you to deal with the wolves, only coming in when you were a hairs breath away from dying.

But that hadn’t save you before, you can’t count how many times you’ve died sense meeting them. From your flesh being torn from your bones by death servitors to bleeding out in some nameless alleyway after being shot by hydra’s soldiers. You had also drowned at one point, that death had been the worst. You remembered clawing at the water begging for the chance to live once again, you remembered feeling your legs tear off after the submarine had exploded, you remembered reaching your mangled arms out, out, out towards the light that came from the surface of the water. You remember feeling the water force itself down your throat and into your lungs, it burns, it hurts, it burns, it hurts. You had been seeing flashes of reality as well as the last time you ended up in cold waters like those. It didn’t matter because in the end you had died. It never matters how hard you try, how many times you die, because you always end up failing.

You lay on the sidewalk screaming, there was no one nearby nor anything that you could hear other than the pounding of rain on the sidewalk and your own sobbing. Your hand burned with the new blood that flowed inside you. Your mind burned with the scars of the past that it never got to address, your heart burned with the open wounds this mission had left you with. You wanted to die right here, sink away into nothingness. Stay in the room with the grand piano and flowing waters. No one could bother you there, no one could make you do meaningless tasks without your say, there was no matchmaking, no pointless errands, no suicide missions, there was nobody but yourself there, just you, just you. Luminous wouldn’t be there to make you do his work, he wouldn’t be there swearing to be by your side to help you while simultaneously doing nothing at best and dragging you down at worst. There wouldn’t be a Caesar there to send you on every reconnaissance mission with no backup and no direction. Johann wouldn’t be there to demand information on your past like he had even earned the right to know it, like he didn’t need to earn that right because it should just be given to him. Just you in a place where no one could hurt you.

You looked up from the ground that you had been staring at, bringing your hands up to your neck you squeezed. It wouldn’t work in terms of killing you, you knew that, but it worked as an easy substitute, feeling the pressure of your own hands on your neck, the shortness if not complete lack of breath, the light headed feeling, it served as a less drastic solution for now.

“It’s great to see you all safe and sound!” Eva’s voice cut through the momentary peace that you had found, your hands reflexively letting go of your neck.

“Safe and sound?!” You repeated in disbelief, “What part of any of me seems to be safe and sound?” It felt like she was mocking you. The memories of Herzog’s claws slicing through your spine, through every part of you, flashed then the words ‘It’s great to see you all safe and sound!’ Played over them, those words were the last thing you wanted to hear right now. Why,why,why,why,why is your pain always ignored like this? Why is it always your job to make everything right? You can’t do this anymore! You won’t do this anymore.

Bringing your fist up you smashed at your communicator, “Cassell- will...turn th-this into- into no-nothing more th-th-th-then a dream for every- every- everyone” Eva’s voice though distorted still managed to snake its way out of the thing despite all the damage you had done to it.

"AGH, SHUT UP!" You yell slamming your fist down harder and harder, each time screaming, begging for her to "JUST SHUT UP" You're crying even harder now. The glass that made up the outer layer of the screen. The rest of her words came out broken and jumbled, and even if they hadn't been due to the damage your screaming and shouting would've drowned it out anyways. "STOP. TALKING. JUST. SHUT. UP."

"Caesar helping you to-to-to destroy- criminal underworld.... true story- believe." Your fist paused midair at those words. Caesar had helped to destroy the criminal underworld? That was the story that they were going with? Not even the whole team, just Caesar what kind of absolute bullshit was that. You had done 100 times more then the supposed hero of the story, hell Luminous had done more, fucking Erii had done more. So where did they get off on this- this- you didn't even have a word for it it was so stupid, so stupidly infuriating. Herzog had said that the people from Cassell had experimented on you, and while he wasn't one to be trusted you sure do feel so fucking dumb for defending them. At least Herzog had the common decency to put up an air of kindness. These people just treated you like a convenient tool, something to be used and dealt with as they pleased. Something that didn't need thanks or praise or a break because it was an object meant to be used and thrown away as they saw fit. "Re-re-re-return to takamagahara to say-say-say-say-saysay goodbye-bye-bye to-" Your fist swung down with overwhelming strength shattering the communicator completely. Broken pieces of metal and glass embedded themselves in your hand bringing a fiery pain that slowly destroyed all of you in its wake. You fell even further onto the concrete clutching your hands one in the other relishing a bit sickly in the pain that it brought. Your right palm glowed with the same light it first had when you had accepted Erii's blood. Then it started rejecting the pieces of metal and glass in both of your hands. Slowly pushing them out and healing the cuts instantly once they were out.

Chuckling you flipped over your hands looking at both perfectly healed sides. It was like you had never been hurt in the first place. You marvled at them, twisting them over and over again, bringing them to your neck once again you smiled and closed your eyes. You had no idea what you were. Had you always been like this? An undying freak with special powers? Had Herzog's experiments done this to you? It was obvious that your new healing ability came from Erii's and the light king's combined blood but what about everything else? Had you been born this way? Was it Herzog's half baked evolution pills? Had Cassell truly experimented on you? Z said you had the capability to become a dragon lord now, but what did that mean? What did that make you? Your chuckles turned into full of peels of laughter, your cheeks stinging at the feeling of both the semi dried tear tracks being pulled at as well as the force of your laughter. The peels of laughter soon mixed with pained sobs and you were once again back to crying. You weren't going to put up with this anymore. Dropping your hands you slowly stood up like a puppet on strings. Walking at a slow pace one second in between each step you started walking.

----------------

Anjou is in one of the VIP rooms with a man dressed like a pastor. You don't care what they're talking about, stepping in front of the pastor you look over at him. He takes steps back on his own, unprompted, it's a first but then again you suppose that you probably look like the walking dead, and in a way you were, not to mention that you also felt like it. A lukewarm apathetic haze settled over your emotions as you looked down at Anjou. He's the second person you met after waking up, he's the whole reason you, a freshman at his wacky school that you hadn't even been asked if you wanted to join, were on this mission. How stupid is he? He had sent you, a person who had what he described as 'little control' over your extra skill and who had just woken up after a freeze bath in Siberia on this mission, an SS ranked one that he was hesitant to even send his best students on already. So why had he chosen you? Why did you have to die over and over for a cause you didn't understand and people you don't know. "Freshman." he nodded as though prompting you to speak. He never broke eye contact or even showed any emotions other than a laid back and relaxed expression. It pisses you off. Why is this old dingbat relaxing, kicking back and enjoying his time while your'e such a mess? He gestures for the priest to leave and he does. Leaning forward elbows on his knees he looks you up and down before going back to making eye contact. "What has you so worked up?"

You want to cry, its the closest you've gotten to an 'are you ok' sense waking up but at the same time you wanted no part of a wellness check led by the man in front of you. "Herzog said that Cassell College experimented on me. Is that true?" You can almost make out a hint of surprise in his eyes before he starts laughing. You bight your lips pulling them into your mouth in a desperate attempt to hold back your anger wanting to get your answer first before you rip him a new one.

"Goodness no, why would you ever believe anything that old snake had to say, and here I thought you were a once in a decade genius. I suppose that title still belongs to Johann then." You ball your hands into fists. Its more than obvious that he's making light of the situation. Didn't he know that you had been raised in Black Swan Bay? Didn't he know that Herzog, a man who you had trusted, had experimented on you? Is he incapable of connecting the dots between your trauma and your current situation combined with Herzog's words? No he did know, he knew and he still chose to make light of everything you had gone through. Insinuating if not blatantly saying that you were an idiot for believing that what happened to you once could happen again. Slamming your hand down on the table you levied on him the worst glare you could, the burning behind your eyes letting you know that you probably looked less menacing then you wanted to.

"Where the fuck do you get off saying something like that to me." It's phrased as a question but its really not. It's a challenge for Anjou to defend his words, one he unfortunately takes you up on.

"I understand that this whole mission and especially today has been taxing on your team but that doesn't mean you should and can snap at everyone like that freshman. Take sometime to cool off, go outside and talk to your seniors, hopefully they'll be able to reach you in ways I cannot." He's getting up to leave after his mini lecture, essentially passing you off to be someone else's problem but you wont let him leave that easily. Your hand grabs onto his forearm stopping him in his tracks. For a millisecond you consider punching him. Beating him over the head with one of the glasses on the table, but the part of your brain that still, despite everything, says that you ca't do that to him because he had pulled you out of Siberia's ice who knows how long ago says not to. And it wins.

"I'm not going to apologize for my language-" He cuts you off with a tut of his tongue, now you have no regrets for the words you planned on saying next. Letting go of his arm you continued. "I'm entitled to be angry when an asshole says asshole things. And I'm allowed to curse said asshole out however much I want." You step in front of the exit crossing your arms, you catch a momentary glimpse of your face in one of the metal outlinings of the wall as you do. You truly do look dead, eyes lifeless and lightless, face twisted into a painfully weak version of the you that you wanted to portray. You know that in this position you run the risk of your conversation leaking out of the room but honestly you don't care, like at all. At this point you want to just scream and cry your emotions out. But you can't because you don't want to, you don't want to be any weaker in front of anyone than you already are.

"Freshman-"

"I was raised by Dr. Herzog for so so many years and the whole time he was experimenting on me and everyone I knew. And-and-and you expect me to just trust you when you say that you didn't do anything. You expect me to rule that out as a possibility when you've given me no reason to, not in terms of character or proof. So why would you say that me believing that random strangers who I've known for less then a month and who I, if I'm being honest don't trust, experimenting on me is a dumb fear?" You clutch at your heart bunching up the cloth that protects it. "I just- do you see why thats dumb? Do you see why it makes no sense to me? One day I'm celebrating christmas as normal with my friends the next minute I'm smacked in the face with the fact that the man that I considered a father," you gag a bit on the word, "has been experimenting on me and everyone that I love, that he's been killing all of us as soon as we turn 18 because we wont survive to 22 because of his experiments? Finding out that he thought of us, children he had been raising for years as nothing more then science experiments who had outlived their uses. Do you have any idea how much that fucking hurt? I had to watch everyone die around me while I wasn't able to do anything! Zero even sacrificed her life to save me and I still ended up dying so many times anyways." You're clutching at yourself again, seeking comfort in the only arms that you can trust right now, your own. You're glaring down at the floor trying to blink the tears away. It doesn't work. You're basically two steps away from dry heaving and sobbing. Anjou reaches out his hand, most likely to guide you to sit down but you slap it away. "Don't fucking touch me. You sent me, a freshman who hadn't really even enrolled in your school or been given the choice to do so on a suicide mission with other students and no adult supervision from the college itself. I've died so many times sense waking up. It always hurts, it's never been painless, I've never been thanked and yet you expect me to just what- put my blind trust into you? I spent more time around Chime then I did you and he spent half of the time as Ruri Kazama."

'"Freshman you're hyperventilating you need to calm down."

"I WONT CALM DOWN" You're yelling now, its not the same kind of painful shouting that you had done earlier on the street, this is loud as well yes, but its from a frustrated sadness rather than a devastated anger. "Why did it have to be me? Weren't there other students you could've sent? Adults? Why did it have to be me? You had no reason to trust that I wouldn't kill the others. I had justwoken up and you decided that I was your best choice? You didn't tell me anything you just threw terms out and expected me to understand. You didn't even give me time alone to breathe let alone ask questions." Your chest is tight, you can feel each of your deaths, piercing pain of claws slicing through flesh, the burning heat of bullets, the singeing of fire, being torn to pieces. You can feel it all and it all hurts so much. You want it to stop, you need it to stop. You don't want to hear these people talk like they're your friends like they care anymore. It's all too much, you're almost sobbing now, curling in on yourself to try and mitigate any pain that may come.

"Newbie whats-"

You turn eyes catching onto Caesar, Johann, Luminous and Finger standing behind you. When did they get here, how much did they hear. It burns and it burns devouring everything in sight. All the memories that you have with them that you've been trying to view in a happy light, all of them crumble to the ground in front of you the moment you see them. "SHUT UP, USE MY NAME FOR ONCE WILL YOU?! NEWBIE DO THIS, FRESHMAN DO THAT, YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN ONCE USED MY NAME!" Full on sobbing you bulldoze through every thought that comes to mind yelling them out at the people surrounding you. "YOU'VE NEVER ONCE ASKED ME IF I WAS OK. YOU;VE NEVER ONCE SENT ANYONE WITH ME WHEN YOU SEND ME ON THOSE STUPID SUICIDE MISSIONS. I'M A FRESHMAN A NEWBIE YOU HAD NO REASON TO TRUST ME WITH ANY OF THIS. WHAT WOU;LD'VE HAPPENED IF I HAD DIED AND STAYED DEAD? WHAT WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF I HAD BEEN CAPTURED? WHAT THEN?" You clutch onto yourself harder, seeking even the smallest bit of comfort from the feeling. Your voice has lowered in volume, you no longer have the emotional or physical strength to do anything other than keep your voice above a whisper. "Do you lot remember when Ruri had specifically said that even two of us couldn't handle Herzog alone? And yet you still thought that it would be a good idea to send me up alone, acting like you were tough for taking care of the death servitors at the entrance." You sigh, there are so many other examples you could go through but you also don't want to be here any longer. "What about you Luminous? I get that you had to watch Erii, but making me do everything and anything you could think of by myself while knowing that Johann and Caesar were constantly sending me on missions as well? You even complained that I took too long to do things. Maybe if you did something for yourself for once instead of just saying that you will then running away and hiding like a coward these things wouldn't happen. Maybe then Erii, Chisei and Chime would still be alive and I wouldn't have to deal with- with this fucking guilt!"

"Look I'm sorry about the Erii thing but listen, we had no idea you were feeling like this. You should've come to us-" Finger is trying to mediate, trying to comfort you, but it only makes things worse.

"And how could I have," You croak out, "How could I have trusted that you would listen, that I would get a break? You never even presented the option for me to have any kind of choice in how I carried out my missions let alone not do them at all. I had nothing I still have nothing. I'm presumed dead at best and no longer exist at worst in terms of my original legal documents. And even if I had access to them I'm still 20 years younger then I'm supposed to be." With a watery chuckle you continue, "Even if I did tell you if I was thrown away I wouldn't have any papers to do anything, to get a job, to live a life, I'm completely reliant on the college for everything. Not to mention the fact that I know nothing about the world. If Cassell had deemed me" You shudder at the word "a failure, then I would've had nothing, not information on the world at current, not even an identity." You shake your head walking in between them and towards the exit. "I don't care I'm not doing this anymore. Find some other freshman to be you dog."

You walked out and onto the streets of Tokyo. You glanced back once lamenting the fact that you hadn't gotten to say goodbye to Zero. You turned away glancing in the direction of the convenience store that Luminous would always make you go to to buy Erii's milk. You trudged down the streets of Tokyo back to that place. Hopefully you can buy paper and a pen to leave her a note with what little money you have.

The bell on the store door jingled when you opened it. The man was standing behind the counter as he always was. You're experience with father figures have been lack luster this far but you've always thought that this man gave off the air of one. It made you relax, seeing someone that while familiar wasn't from the orphanage or Cassell. He looked up at you wearing that same smile that he always did. You knew it wasn't for you specifically but rather something that he probably gave all of his costumers but still it made you feel a bit warm inside.

"Hey kiddo you look a bit rough, everything ok?" You take a few steps forward and nod a bit

"I think it will be now. Or at least I hope so." He hums and nods his head at your answer deciding not to pry, a decision you appreciate.

"So then you here for the usual?" You look back at him and glance around the store, you don't see paper or pens of any sort. It's a bit of a let down but you suppose asking wouldn't hurt.

"Ah no actually," Your voice is still raw, and a bit choked up from all the crying and yelling that you did earlier, you hope you don't sound weird." "Do you sell like, um... paper and pens or something like that? I want to write a note to a friend before I leave."

He scratches at his chin mumbling under his breath as he thinks for a few seconds before getting up and going around the store coming back with a bottle of warm milk in hand. He then returns to his spot behind the counter pulling a note pad and pen out from under it. He places the milk next to the writing utensils and pushes them towards you. "Here, milks on the house, I don't sell paper or anything but feel free to use that and leave the note with me. I'll give it to your friend."

You give him a small smile. It's all that you can manage right now. Your eyes burn with tears again. "Thanks, my friends name is Zero she's blonde has blue eyes and is about," you place your hand were Zero's head is about as accurately as you can, "This tall. She has a flat affect and seems kinda emotionless but she really is a sweet girl. Um, her hairs long and she has a big black bow tying it back." The man nods his head repeating your description back to you. After gaining conformation he sticks his thumb up and takes the letter from you promising to hand it to her the moment she walks through the doors of his shop. You thank him one last time and promise to come back there if you're ever in trouble before leaving.

As you walk through Tokyo's streets aimlessly, you repeat the words in your letter, speaking them into the rain. "I hope that we can meet again in a more peaceful time, preferably away from the bay and Cassell as I don't have the best impression of them. With lots of love, your best friend..." You laugh a bit, your words were supposed to be a parody of what Z said to you. You think its fitting for a farewell letter.

You meld into the raindrops after looking back one last time.

#me when respawn #dragon raja #dragon raja mc #caesar gattuso #johann chu #luminous lu #finger von frings #fanfic #writing #major character death #but they dont stay dead #its just alluded to #angst #hurt no comfort

[whentherewerebicycles]

wow okay i am skipping the lingerie party lol and am instead going to just briefly jot down some thoughts before i go to sleep and wake up at 5 for my flight tomorrow morning. jesus christ i have ONE MILLION thoughts and feelings about this weekend. i want to preface this by saying that on the whole, it was a fine social experience! it was nowhere near as awkward or painful as i was expecting. or like, parts of it were painful, but it was 100% to do with my own complicated feelings about literally every part of this tradition and the wedding industry in general lol, and not anything to do with the people themselves. the other women were friendly and very welcoming, i made an event best friend who was wonderful company, and it was really fun to get to spend time with both my sister-in-law and her older sister, who was so charming and wonderful. i’m glad i came even though thinking about the $$ i spent on this trip makes me physically gag.

but okay i want to just record some THOUGHTS that maybe i will continue unpacking with some distance. i feel likeeeee okay here are my thoughts.

the social norms around femininity are just a fucking minefield and i feel like i really just gotta keep walking back the impulse to judge other women for the choices they make as they navigate around the manifold traps and snares and half-buried landmines that constitute the landscape of being a woman. like jesus christ. it’s so fucked up, it’s so fucked up, the received and socially enforced norms of femininity are just so fucked up. I think ALL THE FUCKING TIME of this margaret atwood poem i love so much, which was REALLY on my mind this weekend:

How can I teach her some way of being human that won’t destroy her?

I would like to tell her, Love is enough, I would like to say, Find shelter in another skin.

I would like to say, Dance and be happy. Instead I will say in my crone’s voice, Be ruthless when you have to, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it.

I feel like the first bit was very much on my mind throughout the weekend, but those last three lines have come to the forefront over the course of this last day, as i have tried to do some Thinking about what i observed/experienced/felt this weekend. whether or not this is what it means in the context of the poem, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it, expresses something of my complex feelings: I don’t know that I can tell the truth about femininity because I don’t know that I can see it. i am both too close to it/still emotionally entangled in it and too far from it to know which parts of it are ‘real’ and which parts are just performance.

i feel like one thing that struck me this weekend, in ways that i don’t know if i’ve noticed as much before, was that so much of the things women say to each other or do in these social contexts is performative, and they know on some level it’s a performance, but we are all going through the motions of doing and saying the expected things anyway. that has not always been clear to me. i have spent so much of my own life as a woman thinking that other women perfectly, seamlessly, naturally embodied the norms of femininity, and i was the only one (or part of a group of only ones) who couldn’t remember my lines, or kept fumbling my cues, or felt so painfully, self-consciously aware that i was playing a role that i could never deliver a convincing performance. but this weekend, after the initial social panic had passed, i started trying to get out of my own head a little bit and look for things that disproved the very strong theory i had brought into the weekend. and of course then i started seeing more and more of the little moments where women say one thing and do another, or profess one belief/conviction but then the whole corpus of their lived experiences and choices contradicts that stated belief, or whatever. and also just like, moments of pathos, where someone i had judged harshly at the beginning of the weekend offhandedly revealed something about her past that really changed my perception of her, or at least made me think like, ah god, i have to have empathy for and with this person, because i think she might be a complex person just like me, with an intricate inner life that her performance partially reveals and partially occludes from view, and agh, it sucks to have to think of people as complicated instead of as safely two-dimensional & easy to dismiss, and the reason it sucks is because then it forces you to realize that you share more with this person than you’d like to admit, and that some of your wounds are the same, even if you dealt with those wounds (the wounds of girlhood, or rather the emotional wounds that our culture inflicts upon girls, which then become tangled up in complex and painful ways with the lived experience of girlhood itself) in really different ways.

but also ugh. we are all performing gender norms but there is just something that does not feel playful at all about embodying conventional femininity. i can’t think of a better way to phrase that right now but it’s like.. the performance isn’t fun. it doesn’t seem to be fun. i don’t know that anyone here was having fun doing it, even if they were having fun being with each other. but it was like doing the intensely gendered social rituals was like, the price of admission? like it was the toll we had to pay to be together spending time in the company of other women? i don’t know man but it fucking exhausts me. like i can push myself to stretch my genuine empathy and sense of solidarity with other women much further than my knee-jerk judgmental reaction, but i can’t ever get to a place where i find any of those social rituals anything other than fucking exhausting. they feel so fucking joyless. they feel like things that many women have internalized as ‘things we must do in order to have relationships with other women.’ (please do not even get me started on how exhausting heteronormativity is i think i could write an entire other essay on how women use these bachelorette party-type rituals to spend time with their closest female friends, but the whole event is still implicitly organized around men, and these women’s male partners are still positioned as the priority in their lives, and the whole event is framed as like, a last burst of intense closeness between women before the bride is delivered over to her husband. like i KNOW that this is not how women think of it but all the RHETORIC of the bachelorette party, the little events and rituals and games, the little comments everyone makes all fucking weekend, good fucking lord, my jaw is so TENSE.)

anyway god i just AGHHHH. idk sorry this is definitely not coherent at ALL because i’m tired and still need a bit more distance/time to process some of this. i guess here is one last thing i want to register before i sleep. i am in my 30s now and i am living a life that is so, so far removed from the social world i grew up in. marriage is not a norm among my friend group, almost all of my female friends are queer women, many women i know are not partnered and have no interest in being partnered, and the friends who are in heterosexual relationships tend to be in very gender-balanced relationships or slightly nontraditional relationships where it feels like both partners have engaged in conscious reflection about what they want their relationship to look/feel like. also i now date women, am out as a lesbian, and spend most of my time teaching/working with queer- and trans/nonbinary-identified kids.

so like, the world i live in now is just so different from the world i grew up in. and sometimes it is easy for me to kind of downplay the intensity of my own gender distress as a teen and young adult, or to sort of - act like it was a phase in my life that had much more to do with me than with the social environment i lived in. i don’t mean ‘phase’ in a dismissive ‘those feelings weren’t real’ kind way, but more like, ‘oh that was just part of the normal growing pains of figuring out who you are and what kind of person you want to be as an adult - everybody pretty much goes through some version of that.’ it’s true that everyone DOES go through some version of that, as just like, part of the process of individuation in that age range. but also like. idk man. being back in this environment - straight white women from the midwest and south, all engaging in the rituals of heterosexual white femininity - was just so intense and so MUCH, and it brought back a flood of feelings and visceral memories that i feel like i will need to spend some time sorting through over the next few weeks. like, what i experienced back then really WAS gender distress, and it was so, so distressing. i spent the years from age 11ish to 24ish existing with this constant lowgrade baseline feeling of wanting to claw my own fucking skin off because my own gendered body felt like such a prison, and i sometimes felt like i literally wanted to destroy my own body because i could not yet conceive of an alternative to inhabiting that body or playing the role that had been handed down to me. until i started reading queer memoirs and inhaling lesbian media and (especially) reading about queer femme identities, i literally did not have an image or any kind of felt sense of what another way of inhabiting my own body might look/feel like. i literally could not imagine it!!!

and that is why the distress feels so distressing, and becomes internalized in such violent ways, i think. because it’s the blind, mindless panic of a trapped and wounded animal. except that you lack any real understanding of the larger social forces at work, or any language with which to describe or conceptualize what social norms are or how they’re enforced. so in your mind, the only thing you can see wounding you is your own gendered body, or the way that gendered body is socially 'read’ by others. and that is why you want to claw your own fucking skin off, just literally dig your nails into your own flesh and claw it the fuck off. because you can’t see a norm, but you can see your gendered body, and you can see the ways that it causes other people to react to you, or treat you, or hold you to a certain set of expectations, and so in your mind you are like: this must be destroyed. in your mind you are like, the only way out is to get out of this fucking body, but that’s impossible, surely, you can’t get out of your own body, so you have to settle for starving it and self-harming it and ruthlessly punishing it in a thousand terrible ways, because you might not be able to leave your girl’s body behind, but you can make it suffer and pay for what it’s done to you. 

i am old enough now, and have spent enough time thinking and writing about those feelings, to identify them when they arise again, and to get the necessary distance from them so that i can say, what i want to destroy are the norms themselves, and the distress they cause, and not the body that has done nothing to me but be me. so i am not quite as sucked under as i used to be. but i think that there is something about the violence and intensity of those feelings that i forget sometimes, or misremember with age and distance. it’s easy to be a little bit patronizing to my younger self (or by extension to my younger students sometimes), because i now live in a social world that is largely arranged in ways that minimize rather than intensify or amplify gender distress. but when you have no choice in how to arrange your life, and no language with which to understand what is happening to you or what you are experiencing, and no frame of reference to help you understand that this is a period in your life and not forever, and no models you can look to in order to discover alternative ways of inhabiting your body or arranging your life... my god, that’s quite different from being an adult with a wide range of experiences and with much greater autonomy over your own body and life. anyway idk i need to keep thinking but now i must go to bed and try to sleep five hours before the plane.

#how can i teach her some way of being human #that won't destroy her!!! #gender #mw #to think further #girls I have been

[doctorgerth]

Hiii!!✨ So glad to see you again!☺ I'd like to ask for Shanks, Mihawk or Barto with prompt 15 (if possible said by him) with the theme "secret admirer", please!😍 Fem reader, and if you see it fitting, could you add a bit of nsfw? Thanks so much!! I hope you enjoy writing it! 💕💕✨

❥ “Red” - Valentine’s Day Event Scenario [ 1 / 14 ]

❥ prompt: “I can’t get over how a few months ago I wanted to learn your name and now you’re having breakfast with me in my sweater on Valentine’s Day.”

❥ theme: Secret Admirer 

❥ pairing: Shanks x Fem!Reader

❥ warnings: light nsfw, suggestive themes, dirty talk, modern!au 

❥ word count: 1.6k

❥ a/n: I had all intentions to make this event a super fluffy one but somehow...this very first one ended up a lil more...steamy than romantic? I hope that’s ok. 😳 it’s shanks, I couldn’t help myself. 🥴 thanks for taking part in the event sweetheart, I hope you enjoy! 💕

   You awoke to the smell of breakfast. 

   The aroma of bacon, cinnamon, and coffee filled your nostrils and, though only gaining consciousness mere seconds ago, your stomach rumbled loudly in hunger. With a deep yawn, you reached your arms high above you and your toes pointed forward as your body stretched to life. You winced a little as you came to realize just how sore you were from last night’s activities.

   A smile stretched across your face as images of your passionate night together clouded your brain. Your relationship with Shanks was still so new, so exciting, and he proved to share the similar delirium in the enthusiastic ways he made love to you last night. He was so eager to please, yet undeniably experienced, and you had ultimately lost count just how many times he had brought you to that blissful peak, just as you had forgotten where your body started and ended as you spent the entire night tangled in his ardor. And yet with each fall, you only climbed back up the mountain, faster than your previous trek, eager for more, just as much as him. The two of you were utterly insatiable, only desiring to proclaim your adoration for each other in every physical sense imaginable. So much so, that you had not tired yourselves out until the early hours of the morning, just as the sun began to peak behind the clouds.

   Looking over at the clock, you snorted. Breakfast at 1:13 PM. Rising out of bed, the chill of the open air made you shiver, so you quickly reached for the nearest item of clothing that was lazily piled on the floor in front of you. As you slid on the shirt, the intoxicating smell of him had you melting into the soft, cotton fabric. If the scent hadn’t given it away, you knew it had to be his sweater in the way it swallowed you, hanging loosely at your thighs. Looking for your panties was no easy feat, and you laughed out loud as your memory offered you a vivid visual of Shanks slingshotting them across the room with a goofy smile on his face. Even in his absence, he always knew how to make you laugh.

   You quietly padded over to the bathroom, and as you passed the mirror, a bright red sticky note caught your attention. You reached for your spare toothbrush, haphazardly squeezed toothpaste across the bristles, and proceeded to brush your teeth as you studied the note.

   My dearest, (Name). I believe you stole something of mine…

   I’ll forgive you this time, if you’ll be my Valentine?

   (It’s my heart, btw)

   - Your Secret Admirer

   You nearly choked on the toothpaste and your cheeks began to ache as you fought back laughter all the while struggling to finish brushing your teeth. As you splashed water on your face, you shook your head as you struggled to compose yourself. Charming, good in bed, and a hopeless romantic -- how did you ever get so lucky?

   You made way to the kitchen with joy in your steps and a bright smile on your face. As you drew closer, you could hear Shanks belting out the lyrics to You’re the Inspiration as he flipped over the bacon, a smile on his lips to match yours. You peeked from behind the corner, shamelessly admiring his exposed torso stretching out from grey sweatpants, along with the subtle red marks that littered the muscles along his toned back.

   “Mornin’!” He piped, once aware of your presence, bringing you out of your thoughts, “Hungry? I hope so. I’ve cooked enough for a village.”

   “Starving.” You grinned, taking a place at the table to munch on some toast. Another flash of red caught your eye. This time, a bouquet of roses. Shanks caught you observing them and shrugged nonchalantly, “Some rando dropped those off.”

   “Hmm.” You stifled a giggle as your fingers delicately toyed with the soft petals.

   Shanks placed a chaste kiss atop your head as he laid out your plate in front of you. His eyes remained on you as he sat down with his own plate and began eating. The two of you shared breakfast in comfortable silence, exchanging loving looks and cheesy smiles as you both devoured your meals, regaining your energies. Shanks’ intense stare never faltered, and you swallowed your food hard, “Do I have food on my face?”

   He snickered, his warm smile giving you those all too familiar butterflies you were sure you’d never get over, “No. It’s not that.”

   “Then what is it?”

   He pursed his lips, a hint of red tinting his cheeks.

   “Tell me!” You pleaded as you were dying to know what could possibly have Prince Charming himself so flustered.

   “It’s just…” His eyes gleamed under the fluorescence of the harsh kitchen light, “I can’t get over how a few months ago I wanted to learn your name and now you’re having breakfast with me in my sweater on Valentine’s Day.”

   Your entire body lit aflame at his confession. You were convinced you were painted red from head to toe as every inch of you burned, undoubtedly hot to the touch. He couldn’t hold back his pleased smirk at your reaction, all hints of his own previously flushed embarrassment receding once he realized he had you swooning, and you wanted to bury yourself under the table. This man was simply too powerful. Was he even real?

   In an attempt to play it off, you coughed and replied casually, “Oh, is that today?”

   He played along, “It would seem so. Why else would some weirdo be so persistent in giving you flowers today? Plus, I think he might have asked you to be his Valentine. Which, poor guy needs an answer soon, or he’ll be crushed…”

   That ache in your cheeks returned, “Well, did this weirdo give you any clues as to who he is? I can’t exactly say yes to a stranger.”

   Shanks brought his hand up to his face, toying with his facial hair, “Well...he was incredibly handsome. With an impeccable sense of fashion, might I add.”

   You rolled your eyes playfully and rose from your chair, a heavy silence following the echo of worn wood scraping against the tiled floor. Shanks’ eyebrows raised in curiosity as you waltzed over to him, tapping his legs to encourage them closer so you could straddle his lap. Just as your arms snaked around his neck, his wrapped around your waist, hand resting shamelessly against your rear.

   “Well, for a moment I had thought it was you...but it seems I’m mistaken.” You eyed down at him, offering your own teasing smirk, “Not when you are the epitome of fashion disaster.”

   “Hey now! I can clean up when I want. And I got up early to get those flowers for y-!.”

   Your head fell back as you laughed maniacally into the open air, “Aha, so it is you!”

   He grinned and let his head fall against your chest with a dull thud, defeated, “Damnit. Well, you got me, love. What can I say? I’m smitten for ya.”

   You blushed madly yet again, squeaking loudly as he grabbed a fistful of your ass in his large hand, “Agh, Shanks!”

   “Mmm, say it again.” He crooned, locks of red hair tickling you as he reached up to trail his lips along the sensitive skin of your neck.

   Giggles mixed with light moans escaped your lips as you craned your neck to give him better access, “Yes.”

   “Yes what?” He whispered, bewitched by your scent and how incredibly soft your skin felt underneath his admiring lips. Just as his teeth began to graze, hungry to mark you in ways he knew you were crazy for, your words caught him off guard.

   “I’ll be your Valentine.”

   He jerked away quickly, startling the both of you. You were unsure how much time had passed before your words had clicked in his brain, but when it did, the enamored, child-like smile that bloomed on his face had you like putty in his embrace.

   “C’mere.” He pulled you in for a searing kiss; the type that always left you breathless in the aftermath. His firm grip behind your head kept you steady against him, eager lips and tongue dancing with yours, not allowing you to pull away until you were patting him gently, a dire need for air.

   Even as you pulled away, focusing on regaining your breath, Shanks continued to spoil you with his affections. You curled into his chest, allowing him to explore you as he wished, “So...what do you have planned for us today, my not-so-secret-admirer?” Your fingers danced along his heaving bare chest in seductive manners, hoping he had taken notice to the way your thighs clamped desperately around his waist.

   “Well, I was thinking I’d take you out for a night on the town and then a romantic, candlelit dinner. But the way you’re looking at me right now…” He leaned forward, nose swiping yours, lips hovering just above your own, “I’m thinking I’d rather have you right here, giving you what you really want.” He bent his neck slightly to leave a tender kiss along your jaw.

  “However you want.” Followed by your cheek.

   “As many times as you want.” Then at last your lips, tugging on your bottom lip for good measure. His hips bucked up against you, and you could see the visible struggle within him to not take you right there in the chair. But you’d be sure to get the last one in.

   “Then maybe dinner?” You smirked, though entirely breathless from the tension. You were helplessly enchanted by Shanks in the end.

  He paused briefly, eyes flickering up at you mischievously, before crinkling closed with a light breath of laughter.

“Whatever my sweet Valentine wants.”

If you enjoyed this, please be sure to leave a like, comment, and/or reblog! 💕

#doctorgerth #one piece #scenario #Valentine's Day event #prompt event #theme event #romantic #steamy #light ns.fw #shanks #shanks x reader #fem!reader #lirulee

[rhys-writes-sometimes]

Music Worth Making Part 3: I Got The Music

Requested: sort of?

Warnings: death, mentions of child abuse, painful memories, more bad writing

Series Summery: When the reader’s life is ripped away from them, they’re distraught. But with her two best friends and three certain ghosts, maybe the afterlife isn’t so bad after all. 

Chapter Summery: After landing back in Rose’s studio, you remember her and her kindness. The boys find you and try to comfort you. Julie finds out that she can still see you.

Words: 2176

A/N: Sorry, I really suck at writing summaries. Also, this chapter is sort of divided into two parts, so the next part will be a sort of part 2 to this chapter. I'm not super happy with the ending of this chapter, but oh well. Also, the reader’s memories are italicized in this chapter

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 4 | Masterlist

______________________________________________________

You were falling, falling through nothing and everything at the same time. You screamed, but the sound died as soon as it left your mouth. There was nothing around you but blackness, the void surrounding you threatening to swallow you whole if it hadn’t already. 

And just as soon as it had begun, it stopped. 

You landed with a thud on the familiar floor of Julie’s studio. Grimacing with the pain of landing on a hard floor and the memories made here, you slowly sat up. Tears threatened to spill over as you remembered how things were before Rose died. 

-----

“Come on in,” Julie said, setting down her backpack by the door. You hesitated before setting yours down as well. You had just moved to Los Angeles from Maine, so you didn’t have many friends yet. In fact, Julie and her best friend, Flynn, were your only friends. 

“Do you want anything to eat?” Julie asked, opening the fridge and pulling out a snack. 

“Oh, no thank you, I’m fine.” You smiled at the girl. 

“Mija, who’s this?” A woman, who you judged to be Julie’s mother, walked into the kitchen.

“Oh, mom, this is Olivia. She’s new,” Julie said, gesturing to you. You blushed slightly and went to shake the woman’s hand. 

“Hi, I’m Rose, Julie’s mom.”

“I’m Olivia. I- I hope it’s okay that I came over…”

“Of course! We love when Julie’s friends come over!” The woman smiled at you, kindness warming her eyes. You smiled genuinely for the first time in a long time. 

-----

A few months later, you were seated at the piano in Rose’s studio, running your fingers over the keys admirably. 

“Oh, do you play?” the woman asked, walking in to check on you, Julie, and Flynn, who were doing their homework over on the couch. 

“Oh! Oh, no, I don’t.” You found yourself stepping away from the piano as Rose walked over to it. 

“Would you like to learn how?”

Your eyes widened as you nodded yes. Rose laughed slightly and waved you back over. Hesitantly, you sat down next to the woman. 

She placed her hands on top of yours, guiding your fingers in playing your first ever piano piece. The melody was hauntingly beautiful. You held your breath as she helped you play, not wanting to disturb the magic that was clearly there. Even the birds had stopped singing to listen. 

She pulled her hands away as the last note echoed around the room. You looked at her with wide eyes.

 “Help me play it again.”

She laughed. Getting up from the piano bench, she walked over to a box filled with paper. Pulling a piece out, she handed it to you. 

“Here’s the sheet music for it, so you can play it anytime.” She smiled at you, but frowned slightly as you stared at the paper. “Do you know how to read sheet music?”

You looked at her and nodded, your eyes still wide. “This…. This is handwritten,” you started, gesturing to the piece of paper you held in your hands. “Did you write it?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Wow,” you breathed, even more in awe of the woman then you were before. “I’m gonna practice it every day that I can so I never forget it!”

The woman chuckled. “You’re already a natural. You’ll have it perfected in no time.”

You blushed slightly as she walked out of the studio. 

-----

Over the next few months, you grew even closer to the Molina family, hanging out at their house and in the studio everyday. Sometimes you even brought Danny with you, and on those nights you slept over at their house. 

Danny and Carlos had become best friends, just as you, Julie, and Flynn had. They had become a family to you. 

Which made you more nervous to tell them that you were non-binary. 

You started off telling just Julie and Flynn, one day after school. You were shaking with nerves, and nothing they could say would help calm you down.

Eventually, you just said it. 

They stared at you for a minute, in which your mind didn’t hesitate to remind you that they probably hated you now and you were going to lose your best friends. But after that second, they both hugged you tightly.

“Y/N, we’re so happy for you!!” Flynn said. Your face broke into a huge smile hearing her say your name for the first time. 

“Thanks guys,” was all you could manage to get out, too happy to speak. 

“Do you wanna tell my parents, or do you not want them to know yet, or do you want me to tell them?” Julie asked. Your nerves rose again at the thought of telling her parents, even though you knew they would be accepting. 

“Could- could you tell them? I’d like to be there, though.”

Julie smiled again as she grabbed your hand and pulled you off her bed. 

“Hey!” you complained, laughing slightly. You grabbed onto Flynn’s hand, pulling her with you.

“Mom, Dad,” Julie said, slightly out of breath after running down the stairs. “This is Y/N, and they use they/them pronouns.” She gestured to you.

“We’re so proud of you, mija!” Rose said, pulling you into a hug. Ray was standing right behind her, his arms open for a hug as well. You fell into him, crying from happiness.

“Thank- thank you all.” You felt as though you might burst from the love and happiness that was in the room at that moment. 

-----

You rode that high for months. All the way up until Rose died. 

You remembered that vividly, as well. The sirens, wailing and flashing, squeezing your eyes shut and covering your ears to try to block out the light and sound of everything going on around you. The shocking realization that Rose was gone.

You shuddered, tears streaming down your face as you tried to push the thoughts of her death away. Then it hit you: you were gone, too. Dead. Killed by a strange man in a black coat. 

You were so caught up in your own thoughts that you didn’t realize the three boys that had come into the studio. 

“Hey, are you okay?” one of the boys asked, causing you to jump. 

“Oh, oh, um, yeah! I’m fine,” you said, slipping back into yourself and giving them your sweet smile again. 

“Well, okay, um, cause we saw you crying and just wanted to make sure-” the one with the beanie, Luke started. Then he frowned. “Wait, you can- you can see and hear us?”

You nodded, trying your hardest to keep the smile on your face. 

“But… but how?”

You couldn’t take it anymore. You broke down sobbing, sliding your back against the wall until you were curled up on the floor, your body passing through a table.

“Whoa, how’d you do that? How’d they do that? It’s almost like they’re- oh.” Reggie grew quiet as the realization that you were a ghost hit him.  

Luke walked over to you and put a hand on your arm, causing you to flinch away. 

“Oh, uh, sorry,” he said awkwardly, pulling his hand back. You shook your head slightly, trying to compose yourself.

“It- it’s okay,” you said, hiccuping slightly. “I just don’t like people touching me sometimes.”

The boy nodded. You pushed yourself up into a sitting position, whiping away your tears. 

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Alex asked you. You shook your head, thankful for the boy's presence, but dreading the question that you knew one of them would ask. 

Luke stood up and offered you a hand. You flinched again, remembering what had happened the last time someone had helped you up, but took it shakily. 

You hadn’t noticed it before, but there was a strange melody playing in the back of your head. You brushed it off, however. You always had a song stuck in your head. 

“So, uh, how’d you die?” Reggie asked. The other boys glared at him. “What? I’m just curious.”

“It...it’s alright, Reggie,” you said, sighing. “I- I fell into a puddle, and this man helped me up, and then he…” you trailed off, looking over at Reggie. “He stabbed me.”

“Oh,” he said quietly. You felt Luke’s gaze on you, and turned to look at him, suddenly very aware that he had not taken his hand out of yours after he helped you up. 

“Agh!” You cried out as pain coursed through your ankle, gripping Luke’s hand tighter. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice laced with worry.

“Oh, it’s nothing, I just twisted my ankle falling into the puddle.” You felt your face heating up as you realized how close you were to Luke; almost falling had brought you almost face to face with him. 

It seemed like he realized it too, because he cleared his throat and stepped away, letting go of your hand. 

“Hey guys,” Julie said, walking into the studio, but stopping when she saw you. “Y/N? I thought you had to take Danny home.”

Your eyes widened as tears threatened to spill yet again. “I-”

“It’s okay, Y/N.” Luke said, stepping up to you again. 

“No, no it’s not! I need to be there for him, I need to protect him…”

“Oh, hey, it’s okay, I didn’t mean to-'' Julie cut herself off. She started walking towards you, opening her arms for a hug. You opened your arms as well, put instead of a hug, all you got was a weird feeling as she passed right through you.

“What the…” Her eyes widened as she turned to face you. “You’re… you’re dead? But how? I just saw you like, half an hour ago…”

“They were stabbed.” Alex spoke up. Julie looked at you for confirmation, tears welling up in her eyes. You nodded. 

“Julie, please…” You walked over to your first friend in Los Angeles and let your hands hover over hers. “Please take care of Danny for me. Bring him here. Kidnap him, if you have to. Just don’t let him live with them.”

Julie nodded. “I- I’ll go get him right now,” she said, already heading for the doors. You smiled, at her, silently thanking her as she headed out into the rain. 

“So, uh, we didn’t get a chance to talk much earlier,” Luke commented, walking over to the couch. “What do you do for fun?”

“Um, I usually read, or draw, or listen to music,” you said somewhat awkwardly. You didn’t list the one that you loved most, but could never do. Sing. “My parents wouldn’t let me do that often, though.”

Luke frowned. “Why not?”

“Well, most of the time I didn’t even have time to. I had to cook dinner, clean, help Danny with his homework, do my homework…” 

You moved into a chair, sitting with perfect posture and your legs crossed. 

“This isn’t a job interview, Y/N,” Luke said with a slight laugh. “You can relax.”

You laughed at yourself. “Sorry, it’s just how I was conditioned to sit.” Your face froze as you realized you had said too much. 

“What do you mean, conditioned?”

You shook your head. “I’m really not supposed to talk about it.”

“Why not? You’re dead. Your parents rules don’t apply anymore.”

Your lip quirked upward in a sort of small smile. He was right, your parents couldn’t hurt you anymore. You twisted in the chair so that your legs were draping over the armrest. Reggie sat on the floor near Luke, leaning against the couch. Alex stood behind the couch. 

“No they don’t, but I still don’t want to talk about it.”

Luke shrugged. “Fair enough.”

“What about you?” you asked, playing with your hair. “What do you do for fun?”

“Write, mostly.”

That was intriguing. “Write what?”

“Music.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Tell you about… how we write music?” 

“Yeah! I wanna hear what it’s like.”

“Well, uh, okay then.”

-----

The sun beat down on the pavement outside of the studio. 

“Oh, hey Danny,” you heard Flynn say. Julie had told her to come over after she asked about you. She didn’t want to tell Flynn in public that their best friend had died.

You were growing nervous. How would she react? What would she say? Would you still be able to talk, with Julie telling her everything you said? What-

You were cut off from your thoughts as Flynn walked into the studio. 

“Oh, hey Y/N! Are you okay? You weren’t in school today, and you didn’t text me all weekend.”

You gaped at her. 

“What? Is there something wrong with my outfit?” she asked with a slight laugh.

“You...you can see me,” you said in shock.

She looked confused. “Of course I can see you. Why wouldn’t I- wait…” She walked over to you, an idea in her head. She tried to hold your hand, only for it to fall through. She backed away from you slightly, her worst fears confirmed. “You’re…… a ghost.”

Taglist: @sunsetcurvej @ifilwtmfc @xplrreylo @phantompogues @caitsymichelle13

#x reader #jatp x reader #julie and the phantoms x reader #fanfiction #rhys writes somestimes #luke x reader #luke patterson x reader #music worth making series

[castee-yel]

Destiel AU

| calm | soft | semi-canon | word count = 1,178 |

AU that occurs after Mary dies, Castiel distances himself by wiping the hunters' minds.

This is just one of the many random plot lines that formed in my head, this one just resides in my head im a warm setting, so enjoy.

preview:

Castiel hadn't spoken to dean or sam in months, ever since the incident, what had ruined it all, ever since Mary had died due to his actions, he had decided there was no going back for him.

If he was being honest it wasn't what he thought it would be, wiping his best friends minds of the memories he had alonside with them, from hunts to sharing his first beer(s), to watching over them as they slept in crappy motels. He thought throwing all that away would provoke some great unbearable emotion in him that would lead him frantically running back to the winchesters as soon as given the chance, but he was nothing more than just... empty.

Cas, after months of migrating country to country to distract himself, had given up on that idea and now worked at the nearest gas-n-sip 40 minutes from the bunker, where he spent hours restocking shelves and watching the clock tick every day, just hoping the boys would pop in on the way to one of their many hunts.

It was one of those days, where the temperature was just right and cool, the sun was bright enough to warm your skin but not overheat you, and the clouds complimented the the skys pretty blue. The store smelt fresh and the sunlight made it seem a much brighter and spacious place than it really was.

Castiel was refilling the beverage coolers with cans of soda, the rays of light coming from the blinds warming the back of his neck, just as he bent down to pick up another soda from the crate at his feet, the door chime started jingling.

He turned round to go towards the cashier, and said "How can I help you today?" as he looked up, to which he paused, eyes widened a little bit and gulped.

There it was, the rush of blood, his heart heavy, his head light, he felt, alive, it was impossible to keep himself standing up straight without feeling faint. Cas leant on the cold steel counter for support.

"He's here, he's really here" the angel thought to himself, he tried his best to not seem to overjoyed or terrified.

"Hi, my brother and I were wondering if you sell motor oil for that-" he flicked his index finger towards the sleek black impala outside the shop window, "pretty thing outside" he continued, raising his brows and smiling as if he told some form of joke, "I don't want to hurt her engine with any of that low quality crap" the man went on as he chuckled about how precious his "baby" was, practically oblivious of Castiel wincing at his voice and laughter.

Castiel was shut off, he'd been blankly staring into the mans eyes for the entirety of his car appreciation speech.

"So, the motor oil then?" he was brought back to reality.

"Agh, yes" Castiel walked out from behind the cashier leading the man towards an isle at the back of the store, "These are the finest we have, they're a bit expensive but worth the price, we also discount the changing charge if you purchase the oil here and get it changed here too."

He had said this speech so many times it had gotten flat and dull, but he did his best to put the energy back into the words. After all, it was him...

Cas waited as he watched the man pick up one of the containers while quickly skimming through the back, barely giving any attention despite his obvious excessive concern for the car.

"I'm assuming you'd like to purchase that one sir-?"

"Its Dean" He smiled, to which Castiel felt warmth he hadnt in ages, "and yeah, if its as friggin good as it says"

Castiel gave a laugh he had been practicing ever since he got the job, to seem human enough of course, but for the first time it didnt feel like a facade. It felt genuine, and he knew why.

Cas looked down as he he took the bottle from Deans hands and walked towards the cashier, Dean following not too far behind him. Castiel placed the bottle of motor oil on the countertop and started punching in numbers on the till, avoiding his every thought to take another glimpse at dean.

"Y'know, this might be crazy but-" Dean leant foward over the till and lifted a finger "I've seen that face before" now pointing directly at a shaky, half ecstatic half horrified Castiel.

"M-Me?", He chuckled nervously avoiding those eyes and looking towards the sanitary products aisle to his left. "No no I really doubt"

"Purgatory!" Dean exclaimed, mildly blushing, "Thats where right?" He was grinning at the thought.

Castiel froze, hand putting the motor oil bottle in a bag mid air, he was no longer smiling, "P-Purgatory?" he asked, squinting, trying his hardest to seem confused and not scared.

"Miami?" Dean straightened himself so that he was no longer bending towards the man, "Purgatory Miami right?" he asked again, the angel still completely oblivious to his reference.

"I-" Cas stuttered, "I don't think we've met" he finally shoved the motor oil into the plastic bag he was holding for what seemed like years.

"My bad," Dean shrugged, handing over the money for the motor oil with a subtle smirk towards Castiel. He thanked him and strutted towards the door and out into his car.

He was gone, that was it; Cas slumped back into the chair by the till, placing his elbows on the counter and letting his head rest upon his palms as he contemplated:

"He's not dead" he thought, "and he's happy?" now leaning back and looking up at the white plain ceiling. "Miami though, what was that about?" he scoffed to himself, "Guess i'll never find out".

He got up and walked back towards the beverage coolers and continued where he left off, restacking the sodas.

Castiel was relieved, Dean Winchester was somewhat happy, he was alive, and his plan had worked, leaving him to spend his days thinking about the man who had no memory of him.

Dean got into the car to which his brother whined "What took you so long?"

"I don't know man, weird guy," Dean replied, with less of the cheery tone he had from before.

"Weird how?" His brother asked, "our kind of weird?"

"No no Sammy," Dean mumbled as he looked to the back window of the car while backing out of the stores parking lot. "Pretty sure I'd seen him in a gay bar before, he denied it a bit too harshly"

"First off, what were you doing in a gay bar" Sam questioned looking confused but not concerned, "And second off why would you confront the guy?"

"It wasnt like that, I was on a case" Dean avoided his brother's assumption, "And I thought he'd find it funny, nothing serious"

They drove off into the road, and that was that, just silence all the way, the familiarity of the man was never really shaken off from Dean, it was almost like it was printed onto him.

#spn #supernatural #i havent written in ages but yeah enjoy?? #spn fan fiction #spn fanfic #destiel #deancas #destiel au #destiel fanfic #destiel fan fiction #deancas au #destiel fanfiction #deancas fanfic #castiel #dean winchester

[imaginedcreaderinsert]

Jason’s Room — Jason Todd x Reader (+ Dick Grayson)

SUMMARY: “Yeah?”You hear music; it’s loud, deafening probably, but you don’t have to worry about waking up your partner.Dick is out patrolling, and the bed is now cold. You try and warm yourself up in the duvet. Still doesn’t help, but there’s a rush that slowly burning up your body.No one talks, but you’ve seen the caller ID; enough to make you worry after checking the time, see if it was an emergency. But Jason seems to be frozen.“Jay, I saw it was you. Everything alright?”

WORD COUNT: 2140.

TW: Angsty, toxic relationship implied. Some cheating can be read, but is not acted on. Jason Todd is not portrayed as a good person on this one.

A/N: I have no excuse for writing this, other than really wanting to, which I think it’s a good step, seeing as I’ve abandoned writing for my own pleasure completely. So yeah, just have this.

LYRICS COMPLETELY TAKEN FROM “Marvin’s Room”, by Drake.

Bitches in my old phone

I should call one and go home

I've been in this club too long

 He’s really so fucking drunk. He shouldn’t be allowed to go out on nights like that, but he still does.

(Maybe clinging to the idea that someone will call him up and say “hey, don’t go, I know you’re bad, let’s talk?”.

 He’s stupid, really stupid. Stupid enough to-)

 No, he’s already drinking up another shot, from that lined up column of alcohol in front of him. Jason’s pretty sure he’s at a new club, but he can’t say for sure: nothing is familiar and yet everything echoes in him for a reason: faces, blurred-out expressions of joy and a world going too fast around him; music beating too hard in his chest, making his heart almost leap out of it; laughter that he’s not sure that’s coming out of him really, even as he feels his smile growing, a charismatic and cocky attitude coming out of him.

He could have anyone he wanted; Jason knows he doesn’t have the suave attitude of the family, and yet “the bad boy” always attracts a certain crowd of girls he feels like he could go in for that night.

Jason knows he could, but doesn’t. His hand moves up and down this gorgeous girl at her side, a bronzed goddess, but his eyes move to check up his phone: no new messages or calls.

It’s obsessive really. It must have been the third time he’s done that since his last shot, but… It’s infuriating to know he’s not needed.

 (He is; there’s always that stupid booty call, the fucking vigilante stuff he feels less and less like going in for – it now means something different, something that wrecks him up inside – or the casual reaching out he’s not really interested in deepening.

Just not by that one person he hasn’t heard anything from in the last weeks.

And you said you’d call by now (“in a week or so”), and yet--)

  The woman that I would try

Is happy with a good guy

But I've been drinkin' so much

That I'ma call her anyway, and say

 “Yeah?”

You hear music; it’s loud, deafening probably, but you don’t have to worry about waking up your partner.

Dick is out patrolling, and the bed is now cold. You try and warm yourself up in the duvet. Still doesn’t help, but there’s a rush that slowly burning up your body.

No one talks, but you’ve seen the caller ID; enough to make you worry after checking the time,  see if it was an emergency... But Jason seems to be frozen.

“Jay, I saw it was you. Everything alright?”

“Fuck, I-Fuck, no, I’m-Agh, I’ave to get out of ‘ere… Excuse YOU!” He drags out the vocals; tone is sleazy, lazy, and you would recognize that anyone, of course.

“Are you drunk? Jason?”

You feel incredibly naked, even with your thick pajamas out; you’ve lived this out too many times, and you can almost see him climb your bed.

It’s been a long time since he’s done that, but it’s something you will always remember: the creaking of the wood, springs of the bed, rustling of sheets as he tossed sheets here and there all night.

(The stupid “I love you’s”, the lazy and very drunken make-outs, while groping each other).

“Jason, are you okay or not?”

I know you still think about the times we had

I say fuck that nigga that you think you found

And since you picked up, I know he's not around, oh oh

I'm just sayin' you could do better

 Cause even if those VERY BLURRY nights that you can’t almost remember were nice, there were also the others; those which kind of made you hold onto Dick tighter in bed, at dawn when he sneaked in, cold skin, occasionally bruised. He felt so precious and delicate under the first rays of sun, as his dreams started to die under his eyelids, barely any movement in his body save the soft breathing out of his mouth. Too precious, and too yours.

You loved him entirely and completely. He made you feel so happy you wanted to cry at times; there was nothing lacking, not the sex, not the affection.

 But Jason doesn’t think the same.

What about the rush, what about the times you’ve had?

“Why you pick up?” I know he’s not there, he implies, but doesn’t say. She knows too. “It’s late. Thought you were now reformed; no phone after 2AM or something like that, right?”

“Some of us have jobs. Unfortunately, I don’t have a fortune to fall back on”.

“Ouch.”

It’s very easy to just talk. They laugh, and she gets up on bed; Jason can picture her, duvet up to her chin, propping up her pillow (the best he’s had), to talk better, while still charging the phone. He hears the rustling on her side, meaning she’s staring at the side he used to sleep in. She always loved to sleep tucked into his chest.

“You still haven’t answered.”

“Right back at ya’. Are you okay?”

A really difficult question for a drunken and very honest man at 3AM in the morning.

If he was a better man, he would wish her a goodnight and hang up; no more talking, no more suggesting, no more playing with fire. If he was a better man, he probably wouldn’t be drunk-texting girls to “cheer him up” after this call, and he would just go home, sleep it off, and go at it again another night.

But he really is not, and it’s too late to go back now. That’s at least what he tells himself, what he tries to entitle himself into: he feels too much, he’s had it bad the last couple of weeks without you. So, he is owed that.

And that is his mistake, for no one is entitled to anything over anyone, no matter their own personal suffering.

“I guess.” Vague; but enough to let her get out, not dig in. Which is really a trap when he knows of your good nature, but he tells himself that it’s your choice (your fault!) for asking about it.

“That’s… Comforting, I guess. Friend calling at 3AM, probably lost and unaware of where he is right now, fucking drunk and in a completely safe neighborhood, I’m sure…”. There’s a sigh. He hates hearing you sigh; it’s always cause you’re so tired of him, he knows, he knows. And he hates himself for it, makes him feel so useless. “Just send me your location, I’ll guide you home.”

‘But aren’t you on Blüdhaven?’, he naïvely wants to ask, just to almost punch himself right after. She means the safe house or whatever place is near, that she might have still saved as her favorite or most usual locations at Gotham.

Tell me, have you heard that lately?

I'm just sayin' you could do better

And I'll start hatin' only if you make me

 “So, why you pick up?”, he asks again, just enough sober. His stomach is in knots from the alcohol (and not waiting for your answer, just hearing your voice and talking to you). He’s on a taxi, and the yellow lights on him are making him sleepy. “I answered.”

It’s 4.38AM. Sending a cab there was easy enough once you had his location and Jason swore he wasn’t moving anymore. Bless technology, you think to yourself now a bit irritated for wanting to sleep and not being able to. Your lids are heavy, and the sheets too soft.

“Obviously cause’ I’m an idiot who forgot to silence their phone.” It’s a half-joke. If you had done just like Dick had suggested, you would not be having that conversation. You change sides in your bed, now looking outside, to the window; Jason’s sigh is audible. You almost feel a heavy and ghostly arm bracing you from behind. “If the info is correct, you should be arriving home soon. Wanna hang up?”

“I miss you.”

A beat.

Breath knocked out of your lungs and silence only interrupted by your dramatic mouth breathing. You literally forgot to breathe; that’s how being with Jason used to make you feel.

As exciting and exhilarating every night out or in with him was, it was not good for you. The nights that were good, but the bad ones, really made your feel like shit. And if someone loves you, they will never hurt you. You know, you so know, how bad he’s had it: but that’s not an excuse for his shitty behavior, his stupid harmful jokes or the way he made you feel.

“Jason, it’s been a long week, I know.”

“No, I know, I know-I’m not-I’m not trying to-“. A sigh. His sighs always broke you: too tired, too broken. Jason always had a way with words, but you managed to sometimes kill that off too. “I don’t want to start out anything. I just want to say sorry. I wanted to, but I know-fuck, I really KNOW-“

“Don’t scream, please.” Firm. Cold.

He’s losing you.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m an ass.” He laughs; it’s self-deprecating and you hate it, but you really don’t have the energy right now. “I…”. Nothing comes out. There’s a long silence. Inhale, exhale (“Jason, just breathe, please”): “I love you. Probably more than I would ever admit to do, and you mean so much to me, but I fucked up big time. And I know, I know-” He emphasizes, without elevating his tone. “-I know you’re so happy with him, fuck! It’s disgusting. It’s fucking bizarre to see you two together.” Poison that he spits, that’s eating him out; acid destroying everything inside, every little nerve of sanity still inside. “And yet, I can’t stop-I really think I don’t want to stop thinking on whatever we had, on the kiss we shared-“

“Jay, that was not-“

“No, I know. I know, but we shared it, and it brought me memories, and you closed off! Fuck, I had you to myself, we were-fuck.”

He curses out for a bit. You let him vent, sighing and putting your hand over your eyes, as if to stop everything from happening. No more 3AM calls.

Had it been pretty shitty of you to get with his “brother”? Maybe, but it wasn’t on purpose or with a malicious intent. It really had been pure coincidence that you had hit if off on one of the galas where Jason stood you up, with a considerable hangover and too sick to move anywhere. That, with the argument you had been having more and more often… Jason wasn’t sure you were even going to show up, but there they had met, and he regrets it every day.

 (But sometimes…

 Sometimes they look so perfect that he thinks they might just have been destined to happen, one way or another. If it was not in a gala, maybe a rescue, maybe a touch on the street, a crush, a rude Gothamite exchange of words as you clashed onto each other.

 Whatever. It just happened and now you two were together.)

 “Jason, I was never… “Only yours” to have.”

“On that we can agree. We never really settled, and I didn’t ever treat you nice.”

Not like she wanted; he knew. They were just… Casual friends who fucked every two weeks, who occasionally kissed and got jealous over the other receiving attention from the opposite sex (sometimes same sex). Despite what everyone else thinks, he is quickly to see others social intentions; her whispers on his skin, the brightness on her eyes whenever they would do it with such intimacy, the cuddling… No, he knew, of course he did, that she wanted more.

Jason just wasn’t ready for it. He might never be, but it’s not your fault; never was, never will. And he might just have lost forever the one thing he wanted.

But that’s the thing: everyone wants the chocolate scoop. But what they might need for a change is something they’ve never tried before.

“I don’t know what you’re babbling on about ice cream, Jay. I really…”. She’s tired, he knows. From him, from Dick and his waiting (she never really liked him going on rounds); from just having to bear with all the weight of the world on her naked and frail shoulders. “It’s not the time for this conversation. Can we… Talk another time?”

A beat.

Inhale, exhale.

“Yeah.”. Tired, so tired. Lids closing off,. “I’m here anyways, so I’ll hang up…”. Silence; insufferable silence. He closes his eyes for a second. “Have a goodnight.”

“You too, Jason.”

He’s not there, but he will be soon. He hopes for that, at least; everything will be easier.

#reader insert #Jason Todd #jason todd fanfiction #dcu x reader #jason todd x reader #dick grayson x reader #dcu fanfic #jason todd fanfic #dick grayson implied

[hansols-yoda-boxers]

In Bloom - Part 3

Plant Monster!Yunho x Female Reader x Water Nymph!Yeosang

Word Count: 4991

Contents: accidentally suggesting a threesome, threesome, vines and vine bondage, aphrodisiac pollen, powers that manipulate sensation what even is this, breast play, hand job, clit stimulation with fingers, oral (male and female giving and receiving), unprotected sex

Notes: @lustjoong ahhhh it’s f i n a l l y done lmao. I hope everyone likes it and I hope you really enjoy the wrap up tho I could write more who knows hehe

Prequel | Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

What Yunho’s Flowers Look Like

Getting to know Yeosang was a slow process. The rain of the monsoon season gave way to the heat of late summer and then the crisp days of early fall as you spent more and more time with the two. Yeosang spent more and more time with you when you visited, talking to you and telling you small things about himself.

Yunho seemed happy that the two of you got along. More and more you realized he had been nervous, having you around but not knowing about Yeosang. They were close and the fact that the two of you got along as well as you did helped ease his mind.

It did mean, of course, that Yunho and you had a bit less sex. Neither of you wanted to kick Yeosang out, you enjoyed his company. But you also both got a little antsy, particularly when one of you was already needy and Yeosang peeked in on you before anything could actually happen.

And so, maybe it was unsurprising that some days the second you found your way to Yunho’s little home he’d grab you and kiss you hard, leaving no time for talking. Other days as you sat and talked with him and Yeosang, he’d pull you into his lap and start kissing your shoulders or nuzzling against you and wrapping you in vines until Yeosang made some sort of excuse and jumped back into the water, leaving the two of you alone.

Today, you had a feeling, might be one of the latter. As you made it to the pond Yeosang peeked out at you, eyes glinting and voice calling your name softly. You felt bad that it made your heart sink just a little to see him. It wasn’t that you didn’t like him, but that you were hoping to make it to Yunho first. You could of course just tell him to leave but you didn’t want to, despite his quiet nature he seemed eager to get to know you and happy to have someone else to talk to and it warmed your heart.

“There are ways for… you, to come underwater?” Yeosang asked as he swam along beside you and you followed the water towards Yunho’s home.

“I mean I could just swim,” you chuckled.

“Ah no. Can you… how do you breathe?”

“Oh,” you hummed. “Yeah no I can’t breath underwater.” You listened to Yeosang’s quiet chuckle. “I mean, if I could get my hands on some scuba gear,” you mused.

You caught Yeosang’s eye. He had a smile on his face and a hopeful expression and you couldn’t help the way it made your heart swell.

“I- I don’t know if I can though,” his smile faltered. “But i-if I figure it out I will. I promise.”

“Ah,” he thought for a moment before speaking again. “I want to show you underwater.”

“You do?” you should have guessed that was what he was getting at, but some part of it still surprised you.

“Yes,” he hummed. “I think you would like it.”

A smile tugged at your lips as you gazed at him, though the foliage grew up around you and grew darker. You knew now that you were close to Yunho’s home as it always got the thickest before where he lived. You wondered how many of the workers had been in this deep.

“What are you thinking?” Yeosang seemed to know you were contemplating something.

“I- do people know about Yunho’s home? Do people know about yours?”

“Not many know me,” he said simply. “I can… hide well. I think… only a few know of here.”

“I’m glad you two have each other,” you said quietly. “Otherwise it would be too lonely.”

Yeosang let out a laugh, though one too sad in tone. “It is still lonely. Less lonely, but it is lonely.” He said. “I miss…”

You glanced at him in the darkness, knowing that soon enough it would lift as you found the clearing, but he seemed almost lost in memory. You bit on your lip, unsure if you should say anything but as the silence stretched out, deciding it would be best to.

“What do you miss?”

Yeosang blinked a few times before gazing up at you, mumbling something too quietly for you to hear before shaking his head as you pushed past the last few large leaves.

“It does not matter,” he smiled at you. “We are here. I will meet you inside?”

“Okay…” your word trailed off as he dove down into the water. You did yearn to know more about him, but now seemed not to be the time. Both Yunho and Yeosang could be quiet and secretive about their pasts and you were sure there would be a lot you didn’t understand. You just worried, sometimes they seemed so somber and you wished you could help somehow.

“Oh thank gosh!” As soon as you pushed through the door Yunho wrapped you in vines and pulled you closer quickly. You didn’t manage to get a word out before he was kissing you and you couldn’t help the smile it brought to your lips. Your fingers found a vine and you dragged your nails over it lightly, drawing a small whine from Yunho’s lips but managing to get his attention.

“Is tha-”

“Yeosang is coming.”

“Agh!” Yunho plopped down into the soft moss, bringing you down into his lap. “Okay but if I just start making out with you-”

“Yunho, he’s always so excited to hang out with us,” you chided.

Yunho buried his face in your neck. “Is it bad that I just really wanna have sex with my girlfriend?”

Even in your surprise you couldn’t help the way you smiled and your cheeks warmed at his somewhat sudden confession.

“Not that- I mean I know it’s not- this isn’t really- I haven’t-”

You quieted his nervous babbles with a kiss. “I know it’s complicated, but I’ve already been thinking of you as my boyfriend anyway.” You hummed.

Yunho kissed you again, pulling you to face him. “Can I kick him out now so we can celebrate?”

“We can celebrate later,” you hummed. “And I know you’ll want to tell him.”

As if on cue Yeosang made his way through the door, wrapped in a large, soft sweater. You always wondered how he dried off so fast but you had yet to question it and you had a feeling it was another answer you might not understand.

“I have a girlfriend!” As you expected, Yunho couldn’t keep the news in as he squeezed you in his arms. Yeosang’s face broke into a smile, though there was something nervous behind it as he sat in the moss with the two of you.

“I am glad you finally asked.” He said.

“How long have you been thinking about that?” you questioned, watching the colour rise in Yunho’s cheeks.

“J-Just a while.”

“Over a month,” Yeosang corrected him. “I just…” he broke off into his own language.

Yunho’s face fell a little as he replied, resting his head on your shoulder as you listened to them, wondering if it was possible for you to learn it. You thought so, since they seemed to both make sounds like humans did. Maybe they would teach you.

“It’ll be fine,” Yunho finally said, pressing a kiss to your shoulder.

“I hope…” Yeosang sounded sincere as he watched Yunho’s actions. “Should I…?”

“You don’t have to leave yet,” you said, though Yunho let out a small whine. “You just got here.”

“I think,” Yeosang looked between the two of you with a bemused smile. “Yunho would like you alone.”

You felt heat rush to your face. You hadn’t thought too much about it and he’d never mentioned anything about it before but it made sense that he knew you had sex. He usually just excused himself and the way he called it out a little more clearly had a flood of embarrassment rushing through you. Still you felt bad about the idea of kicking him out.

“You can stay.” You said. Yeosang chuckled and Yunho let out a muffled sound against your skin as you processed your words fully.

“I- I didn’t mean-” Yunho started to laugh and you smacked his arm as his laughter spread to Yeosang. “Shut up! You know that’s not what I meant!”

“I didn’t know you wanted Yeosang to watch, sweetheart,” Yunho teased. Yeosang added something and the two of them cracked up, tears in their eyes as they laughed.

You shoved Yunho despite not being able to move from his lap. “What did he say?”

“Something along the lines of ‘kinky.’” Yunho laughed, wiping tears from his eyes.

“You two are so mean,” you grumbled.

“You were the one who said it,” Yeosang teased.

“If that’s what you want you can say it,” Yunho laughed.

“I wouldn’t ask for that!” You cried. “That wouldn’t even be fair anyway, not unless he joined in.”

You should have known you were digging the hole deeper and yet somehow that slipped past you until Yunho cracked up even more and Yeosang looked at you with wide eyes.

“Would you really… suggest that?” he asked slowly.

“Has this been on your mind, sweetheart?” Yunho was still teasing you but you could feel the immense heat on your face as your mind started to wrap around the idea, unwilling to let it go.

“I-I- n-no.”

Surprise finally overtook Yunho’s expression as his giggles subsided. “Wait, are you actually serious?”

You wanted to hide in the wake of their surprised gazes and you curled in on yourself. “That wasn’t- You guys just- I-I mean it would be the only fair option, th-that’s all.”

Yunho was much gentler as he cupped your face and turned you to look at him. “Is that all you’re saying?”

Your head started to spin as you gazed back at Yeosang, taking in his curious stare and the way he leaned towards the two of you. Then back to Yunho, feeling somehow helpless and nervous at the prospect of it and yet, with shivers rushing down your spine from the idea of it.

“I-I- Couldn’t it be fun?” You finally said, feeling small.

Yunho looked up at Yeosang, colour rising in his cheeks as he spoke to him quickly, a nervous grin tugging at his lips. You hid your face in Yunho’s chest as they talked but you heard Yeosang shifting closer and your heart was pounding in your ears as different ideas, different images all started to rush into your mind. 

You felt Yunho’s hand slip under your chin, finally lifting your face to look up. You followed their gaze upwards to the flowers along the ceiling. They bloomed slowly and what looked like fine, yellow pollen started to fall from his flowers. Your eyelids fluttered as the scent hit your nose and you breathed it in.

“What is that?” you hummed, relaxing against Yunho.

“It will… help us to not be awkward,” he replied before pressing a kiss to your jaw. Yeosang murmured something as he shifted a little closer, looking between the two of you with more intensity now.

“I’ve found it can,” Yunho’s voice was low as he murmured against your jaw and a rush of arousal ran through you. “Help turn people on.”

You let your hand fall into the moss as you finally met Yunho’s lips. Yeosang’s fingers found yours and you sighed against Yunho’s lips at the calm feeling that washed over you at his touch, a cool, refreshing feeling rolling through your body. Yeosang pressed his lips to the base of your neck, kissing you slowly and drawing his fingers in shapes over your skin that left a cool feeling in their wake.

Yeosang whined against your shoulder, murmuring something to Yunho who broke your kiss to answer. You gazed at Yeosang and a grin tugged at your lips when you saw the way his body was wrapped in Yunho’s vines just as you were, pulling him closer.

Yunho caught your lips again, his tongue pressing past them and the kisses growing deeper and sloppier. You let your free hand slip up and tangle into his hair. Yeosang’s fingers started to trail up your arm as his lips kissed slowly along your collarbone. His fingers moved until they met the strap of your shirt, next to his lips. He seemed to hesitate for a moment before pulling the strap down slowly, pulling your bra strap with it.

Yunho’s lips moved down to kiss along your jaw and you felt him smile as a vine curled around your other shirt strap, pulling it off your shoulder as well. His lips trailed down your neck slowly, stopping to suck at your skin and leave marks in their wake. You let your eyes flutter shut as you breathed deeply, though your heart was starting to race and butterflies tickled your stomach as they kissed lower, closer and closer to revealing your chest.

Not like Yunho hadn’t seen you naked dozens of times. That itself didn’t make you nervous. Maybe Yeosang did a little but if anything, it was suddenly having both of them focusing on you making you shy as they kissed down your body. Your breathing seemed to pick up on it’s own and you gripped Yunho’s hair just a little tighter.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured, as if on cue. You peeked down to find him giving you a sweet smile before kissing along the top of your breast gently. You felt Yeosang’s hand slip into yours, fingers entwining and the feeling of calm washed over you again as he murmured “So beautiful” against your skin.

You let out a deep sigh, relaxing more as they pushed the cups of your bra down gently, Yunho letting out a quiet hum while Yeosang let out a low groan. You bit down on your lower lip as Yeosang ran his tongue over your nipple gently. Yunho kissed back up your neck and jaw as a thin vine curled around your body and then around your breast.

A whimper slipped past your lips as the vine wrapped around your nipple and tugged gently. Yunho’s lips found yours and he grinned into the kisses as you let out small whimpers and moans.

You let your hand fall from his hair and slip down his chest as you shifted a little in his lap. You let your hand purposely slow as you moved down his lower stomach, listening to his breath hitch and feeling him shift his hips. Your hand finally made it into his lap and you slowly started to palm him through his pants.

Yeosang let out a small whimper around your nipple and you pulled your hand away from his, feeling along his thighs and feeling the way heat rushed to your face and between your legs as you felt how hard he was. Some amount of confidence started to seep into you as both of them moaned and pressed into your hands.

You dragged Yunho’s bottom lip between yours as you pulled back from the kiss, smirking at the lust filled look in his eyes. You both gazed at Yeosang, his expression hazy and desperate and his lips still wrapped around your nipple. Yunho brought his lips to your neck as you moved your hands to the waist of his pants, moving out of his lap gently and slipping his pants down past his hips. His moans grew whiner as you turned to Yeosang, slipping him out of his pants as well before wrapping a hand around each of their cocks.

Both of them let out beautiful moans as you started to pump them and tease the tips of their cocks, their sounds muffled against your skin. Yunho’s fingers slid along your thighs and you parted them for him, feeling his vine wrap just a little tighter around your nipple as he groaned against your neck, his fingers easily pushing into your pants and between your legs.

You let out a moan as his fingers dragged through your folds, gathering your arousal before teasing your clit slowly. Sparks of pleasure ignited within you and you started to slip into desperation, pumping each of them a little faster and letting your head fall back as you rocked your hips down, following the movements of Yunho’s fingers. 

Moans fell from all of your lips as you each moved your hips, desperate for more contact, more sensation. Yunho’s and Yeosang’s moans were muffled against your skin but each of yours had them bucking into your hands and groaning against you. You heard Yeosang’s moans grow whiny as his lips started to move up your chest until he could nip at your ear.

“Please,” he hummed. “More.”

Heat rushed through you and you let out a low moan at his words and all of Yunho’s vines wrapped you both a little tighter as he raised his gaze, heated and lust filled as he regarded Yeosang before pressing a kiss under your ear.

“I agree,” Yunho murmured smoothly. “Let’s move on.”

You bit down on your lip and nodded, feeling his vines shift on you before he was gripping at your shirt to pull it off and Yeosang’s hand was sliding up your back to undo your bra. You sighed at the feeling of their fingertips on your skin, moving lightly but you were already sensitive enough for it to add to your arousal.

Yunho’s hands travelled down to your hips, properly pulling off your pants as Yeosang pressed kisses along your shoulders and his fingertips came up to play with your nipples, sending a cool feeling rushing through you as pleasure sparked within your body. Your heavily lidded gaze slipped down to Yunho, fingers pushing your thighs apart and smirking up at you. You leaned back into Yeosang and spread your legs a little wider for him, letting out small gasps as his tongue licked at your folds and over your clit.

A few whimpers fell from your lips but they were short lived as Yunho pulled away, his gaze meeting Yeosang’s over your shoulder. He spoke quickly to him as you squirmed, feeling impatient for more and he soothed you, rubbing his hand comfortingly over your thigh until he started to chuckle.

You looked back at Yeosang to see him blushing, seeming to stumble a little over his words but a nervous grin tugging at his lips. You looked between the two of them until Yeosang was nodding and moving away from you whined at the loss of contact, a pout jutting out your lower lip. Yeosang and Yunho slipped off their pants fully and Yeosang his sweater as Yunho grinned at you.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Yunho hummed. “Lay down for me.”

You laid back in the soft moss and a squeal fell from your lips as Yuhno flipped you onto your side quickly. You caught the smirk on his face as he rolled onto his side and shifted between your legs, wrapping you in vines to keep you steady. Your eyes met Yeosang’s catching the desperate, heated look he wore as he laid down too and you finally caught onto Yunho’s idea.

As Yeosang moved his hips towards you, you reached out and wrapped your hand around his cock, urging him closer to you. He let out a low moan as you took the tip of his cock into your mouth, vines wrapping around him as well and Yunho sucking your clit between his lips to draw a moan from you.

You peeked at Yeosang, savouring his pants and moans as he moved a little closer to Yunho, colour tinting his cheeks and gaze hazy as he took Yunho’s cock into his mouth and Yunho groaned against your core, sending vibrations of pleasure shooting through you.

You moaned and let your eyes fall closed, trying to focus your mind on teasing the underside of Yeosang’s cock with your tongue, the way he rocked his hips into your mouth and moaned around Yunho. Your hand moved slowly on the base of his cock, twisting slightly and finally taking more of him into your mouth.

Yunho’s tongue dragged through your folds, growing more feverish as Yeosang sucked him off. He focused his attention on your sensitive clit, running his tongue over it just the way you liked and gripping your hips tightly as they tried the buck and roll against his face, desire burning bright inside you.

Pleasure sparked through you, the flame burning hotter and hotter by the second. Yunho’s tongue knew you too well by now and he had you coming undone for him far too fast, thighs trembling slightly as your hips moved against his face in a plea for more, moans muffled by the cock between your lips.

You let out soft curses and moans around Yeosang as you took him as deeply as you could into your mouth, sucking him off quickly. His and Yunho’s moans only served to turn you on more, mind spinning and body burning as you started to climb towards your edge, your free hand gripping Yeosang’s hip tightly.

Yunho let his tongue dip into your heat, unable to stop himself from groaning at your taste and hips bucking into Yeosang’s mouth, drawing a whimper from the nymph, his hips bucking gently towards you as you hollowed your cheeks around him.

You heard Yunho curse between your legs before running his tongue over your clit and sucking it between his lips. Each of you bucked and rolled your hips into the others mouths, letting out muffled moans, Yunho’s hands and vines holding your tightly as a nearby flower burst open.

Yunho let out a beautiful moan against you and Yeosang a muffled whine as Yunho released into his mouth, bucking and thrusting as he came. He let out a few pants against you before sucking your clit between his lips harshly.

You cried out around Yeosang’s cock as you came. Your release crashed over you and your thighs squeezed in around his head as you rolled your hips and rode out your high on his tongue. The sensations sucked you under into bliss, panting and whimpering as sensitivity took over your body.

Yunho sat up slowly, pulling you up along with him and kissing you deeply. Arousal rushed through you at your own taste on his lips and as you heard Yeosang’s whine, you reached out behind yourself, finding his hand and pulling him a little closer. He sat up shakily, kissing up your neck and moving up your check until you shifted to kiss him, moaning quietly at the taste of Yunho’s cum on his lips, fingers tugging at Yunho’s hair.

“Yunho, lay down for me,” you hummed, a thought forming in your hazy head. Yunho regarded you curiously before doing what you asked. You pulled Yeosang with you as you moved around until you were between Yunho’s legs. You gave him a smirk as you wrapped your hand around his cock and kissed the tip, then lifted your hips at the air, gazing back over your shoulder at Yeosang and wiggling your hips.

“You haven’t cum get, Yeosang.”

Yeosang said something, and despite you not knowing the word you were sure it was a curse as he moved behind you, groaning as he ground his cock against your ass and his hands found your hips. You pressed back against him as your eyes met Yunho’s and he groaned, taking in the sight and already sensitive as you started to tease his cock with your tongue.

Yeosang guided his cock into you slowly, letting a beautiful deep moan fall from his lips as he sunk his cock into you. You let out a moan and Yunho’s fingers threaded into your hair, vines curled up your arms and small flowers blooming on them as he guided your mouth onto his cock, heat burning in his intense gaze.

Yeosang pulled his hips back before thrusting into you and your thighs trembled as you moaned around Yunho’s cock, eyes fluttering shut as pleasure rushing through your body. Yunho let out a breathy chuckle.

“You look so fucked out already, sweetheart,” he teased. “You need to make sure you moan loud enough to let him know.”

Yunho spoke to Yeosang and the way they spoke, the deep tones of their voices made your head spin and had you clenching around Yeosang as you hollowed your cheeks around Yunho and his hand pushed your head down just a little more on his cock.

Yeosang’s pace picked up, thrusts becoming rougher. The pleasure in your core mixed with a cool, intense feeling rushing through you from his touch. The sensation had you trembling as Yunho started to rock up into your mouth. A sweet smell surrounded you again as more pollen fell around all of you and each of you moaned, arousal rushing through you.

Yeosang began to snap his hips into you, chasing the high that had already been close at hand. His movements pushed you forward onto Yunho’s cock and you relaxed your jaw as much as you could, taking him deeper into your mouth as you did your best to suck him off. You heard Yeosang’s voice, breathy and low as your name fell off his lips over and over like a mantra. Your movements on Yunho’s cock grew more messy but he didn’t seem to mind, guiding your head and letting out groans. Drool started to slip from the corners of your mouth and your body shook.

Pleasure rushed through you and you felt Yunho’s vines curl around you tightly. Each thrust into your heat was like a wave of pleasure taking over you and had you pressing your hips back messily for more. The coil inside you curled tighter and tighter as Yunho bucked up into your mouth. You felt vines curl around your nipples and tug them, far more harshly than earlier and nearly overwhelming you with sensations.

You clenched around Yeosang, shaking and moaning so incredibly close to your edge again. Yeosang’s hips snapped into you roughly, beautiful sounds falling off of his lips and grip on your hips tight. Each deep, quick movement building until your eyes rolled back and fluttered shut from the pleasure as you moaned out around Yunho’s cock. 

Yeosang pulled out fully, pumping his cock over your back as he let out gorgeous low moans. His cum landed on your ass, dripping down and slipping down to the small of your back, a calming feeling soaking into you from his release. He collapsed into the soft moss beside you, panting.

Yunho was quick to flip you onto your back, drawing a gasp from your lips as your needy gaze caught his. His lips crashed against yours as he wedged himself between your legs and sunk his cock into your heat, both of you on the edge of cumming again.

His hips snapped against yours as he moaned against your lips, and your fingers dug into the soft moss beneath you as pleasure rushed through you from each of his rough thrusts. The coil in your core curled impossibly tight as you built closer and closer to your peek, thighs shaking and squeezing around Yunho’s waist.

You felt Yeosang’s fingers touch yours. His lips pressed lazily against your shoulder as his panting slowly calmed. He pulled your hand from the moss and laced his fingers with yours again. A small whine left his lips as he sent a rush of sensation through your body, refreshing and cool and at the same time extremely arousing.

Your back arched off the ground below as you cried out. You clenched hard around Yunho as you came. Your eyes squeezed shut and stars burst in your vision and you felt dizzy as you body shook hard. Pleasure crashed over you in a wave as your orgasm reached every inch of your body, sensations rushing through you to your fingertips and toes and the feeling dragging out, your body continuing to cum as Yunho snapped his hips into you and your cries turned to screams.

 Yunho let out low moans and his hips grew sloppy as he fucked you through your orgasm, his own thighs trembling from the effort but his hips not letting up as his lips fell against your neck, your name falling off his lips over and over.

As you started to come down your entire body trembled. Yunho’s hips stuttered to a stop as he released inside you and let out a loud moan, holding you as tight as he could. His breaths came out shaky as he ground against you shallowly until he’s finished riding out his high.

Yunho’s body was trembling as he pulled out of you before collapsing into the moss on your other side, panting heavily and reaching out for your hand. You laced your fingers with his and squeezed both of their hands.

“That was so good,” you breathed.

“I see now why you both… often kick me out,” Yeosang hummed. You felt heat rush to your face but Yeosang let out a chuckle and squeezed your hand. “Do not worry, I will not join in every time.”

“I don’t think she’d mind if you did,” Yunho laughed, though it was cut short, morphing into a groan as you kneed him in the thigh.

“I’m not the only one,” you let your head fall to the side and took in the pink on his cheeks and the sheepish grin on his lips. “I wasn’t the only one enjoying myself.”

“Then,” You turned your head and your heart melted a little at the deep blush on his cheeks. “May I join you… sometimes?”

Yunho rolled onto his side, pressing a kiss to your shoulder. “I think so,” he hummed.

“Absolutely,” you smiled, pressing a sweet kiss to his lips.

#in bloom #ateez imagines #ateez smut #yunho imagines #yunho smut #jeong yunho imagines #jeong yunho smut #yeosang imagines #yeosang smut #kang yeosang imagines #kang yeosang smut

[otomeramblings]

Welcome Home

Pairings: None Characters: Sakuya, Mankai as a whole. Warnings: mentions of abandonment because Sakuya’s relatives suck A/N: @flavovitta​​ posted a really wholesome headcanon yesterday and my brain’s immeadite response was “but what if we made it sad?” so this fic was born.

“Ya’ sure, man?” Banri questioned with a slight raise of his eyebrow.

“Yes! I’ll be right there!” Sakuya’s signature smile was plastered on his face; Banri’s quickly distracted by a notification on his phone and went inside with a quick mumbled “‘kay.” Masumi, on the other hand, stayed behind with a look on his face that many would describe as ‘annoyed’ but Sakuya could discern the tinge of concern and the silent question that hid behind his friend’s usually aloof expression.

“I’ll be okay, Masumi, really. It’ll only take a second,” he reassured him, the corners of his smile softening in response to Masumi’s unspoken worry.

The boy pursed his lips together but nodded nonetheless. As soon as Masumi went through the door, Sakuya accepted the call before she hung up on him. He knew it would only earn him a lecture if he made her wait too long. It was ironic, really, considering that she never really wanted to talk to him in the first place.

“Hi, aunt,” he greeted her.

“You took a while to answer,” she replied with a clipped tone. No “hello”, no “how have you been” and, as he felt how strained his smile had become, he wondered why he even expected anything else.

“Sorry! I just got home from school since class ran a bit long.” They had actually gone to get meat buns from a store Banri frequented since he had insisted to treat them after he found out they had never tried some from that specific place, but he knew she didn’t care and would probably reprimand him because if he had time to go out with friends, he had time to answer the phone, and he had time to study so that the money they put on his education wouldn’t go to waste.

She responded with a non-committal “hmph” and then started going through the usual list of questions. “How were his studies going?”, “Did he need to buy anything else for school?”, “Was he causing trouble for the company that had taken him in?”, “They weren’t gonna change their policy about housing, right? Because he would have to come back home if they started charging them” and the one that always made Sakuya grit his teeth: “Acting isn’t interfering with school, right? Because I know it’s your hobby but remember that it won’t take you anywhere serious in life.” Just like he did every month, he answered each question with a level tone. And just like she did every month, his aunt pretended to be interested in what he said.

It wasn’t until she hung up that Sakuya finally released the tight grip he had on his phone. He let out a deep sigh and felt his shoulders drop; he knew the routine and every step he had to follow to avoid any landmines when talking to his family, but even to this day a small part of him wished they would show even the slightest bit of interest in his life.

“Agh, get it together!” he taped his cheeks in an attempt to make himself snap out of it. That was just the way things were and there was no point in him being moody and making the others feel bad for him. With that thought in mind, he opened the door that led to the living room and he was immediately hit with the smell of chicken broth and vegetables that wafted from the kitchen.

“Uh….I’m back,” he called out while his feet took him in the direction that delicious smell came from.

“Welcome home, Sakuya!” Izumi smiled while she worked on setting the table. “Banri and Masumi said you were answering a call from your family, is everything okay?” Her smile didn’t waver but he could still see the concern that tinted her expression. The director was the only person in the company who had ever interacted with his aunt apart from himself; because of that, he knew there would be no point in trying to lie to her of all people but he still didn’t really want to talk about it so he settled for a shrug and a small grimace.

She didn’t push further, she knew that Sakuya needed his space from time to time, but she did reach up to run her fingers through his hair, pushing it away from his forehead. He jumped slightly -the open and sincere affection he’s been subjected to since he joined Mankai still took him by surprise- but he couldn’t help but lean towards her hand, thankfully for the reassurance her touch brought him.

Suddenly, her grin returned and she started pushing him towards the kitchen. “Omi’s making dinner! Doesn’t it smell wonderful? He asked me to tell you to go to the kitchen once you got home because he wanted to ask you something.” The barely hidden excitement in her voice sparked his curiosity, so he took a small detour to leave his backpack on the couch before going to find Omi.

Omi turned around when he heard his footsteps and beckoned him over with one hand. “Perfect timing, Sakuya. I’m making chicken noodle soup today and I would like your input.”

“Me?” he exclaimed in surprise.

Omi smiled. “Yes, you mentioned this was your favourite, right? I thought it would be best if you tried it first so I know if I have to change anything for next time.”

He had mentioned it, yes, and despite knowing that Omi had already done this for a couple of the others as well, a part of him couldn’t believe he had gone through the same effort for his sake as well. Omi was kind, so kind; all of them were in their own ways, and sometimes Sakuya had to discreetly pinch himself just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.

So, after blowing on it, he didn’t hesitate to try the spoonful of soup Omi held in front of his face.

Honestly, when Omi had asked him what his favourite soup was, he almost told him he didn’t have one. He had spent most of his life bouncing from family member to family member, being tossed around like an old family heirloom that had lost its value after the original owners were gone; no one wanted to keep it but everyone was too afraid to throw it out. He was used to having to settle for whatever was handed to him, to not ask for extra things, to not be greedy because he was imposing so much on his relatives already, and that meant that he really didn’t have a lot of favourite things. But then it came to him, a distant memory from the time when his parents were still alive. He was probably around four or five years old and the details had been fuzzy, but he remembered the soup his mom used to make him whenever he caught a cold. That’s what he told Omi and the man had followed his instructions to a T: the broth was a perfect balance of vegetable and chicken, the noodles weren’t too big, and the chicken and the carrots had been cut in smaller than usual pieces because that’s what his mom would for him so he wouldn’t have any problems chewing when he wasn’t feeling well.

Omi’s startled voice brought him back to the present.

“Hey, are you okay? Was it too hot? Was it bad?” Omi had reached over to grip his shoulder and was peering down at him with a concerned frown on his face.

Sakuya was so confused that he almost asked him what he meant but he quickly realised how wet and hot his face felt. He brought a hand to his face and confirmed his suspicions: he was crying; it wasn’t full-on sobbing, but the tears were streaming down his face without him being able to stop them. They weren’t sad tears, no; well, not exactly. He had eaten just one spoonful but that was all it took to make the blurry edges around that old memory suddenly clear, and he was suddenly transported back to his old room, with his mother’s gentle smile and the soft hand on top of his hair. It was just one instant, but he could have sworn that he felt the tender touch of his mother’s lips on his forehead.

He placed his hand on top of Omi’s and smiled through the tears, “It’s perfect, Omi.” He couldn’t think of what else to say, the emotions were overwhelming him; sadness, longing, happiness, and a trace of slight bitterness, all of them were swirling inside of him and he didn’t know where to start. He needed a moment, and while he was calming down the director had come into the kitchen and had begun rubbing his back in a soothing notion; from his peripheral vision, he could also see Masumi and Citron, looking like they wanted to step in but waiting to see what he wanted. He could feel their worried gazes and the warmth of their hands seeping throw his blazer and his shirt and reaching his very insides. It was like his heart was being squeezed inside his chest, but instead of being painful, it felt grounding. He had felt alone for such a long time and he hadn’t realised how much he had gotten used to the cold loneliness that permeated his life since his parents had passed away. His parents weren’t by his side anymore, but as he looked around after wiping his eyes and with Citron draping himself over him and asking him if he was okay, a small smile settled on his face. Yes, his parents were gone, but his new family was now here.

#a3! #a3! act! addict! actors! #sakuya sakuma #mari writes

[andrewmoocow]

Steven Universe Alternate Future chapter 22: Pumpkin Patch (originally published on August 9, 2021)

AN: At long last, the homestretch of Part 3, which I have already dubbed the Tearjerking Three last time. And for our first entry into this trilogy, we finally get an update on the relationship between Peridot and Lapis, which I found to be done so dirty in Future as a Lapidot shipper. I mean, they didn't even interact with each other even when they were in the same episode together! Plus, Pumpkin just disappeared into thin air once the movie came along, leaving the only hint of where she is now are those similar gourd puppies from The Future. But enough griping, let's get my personal answer on what really happened, and maybe a big surprise that I no doubt have already spoiled on DeviantArt anyways.

Synopsis: Steven, Peridot and Lapis reminisce on the anniversary of Pumpkin's death.

Cast:

Zach Callison as Steven, Pumpkin

Shelby Rabara as Peridot, Squaridot

Jennifer Paz as Lapis, Laz, Zuli

Estelle as Garnet

Michaela Dietz as Amethyst, Ocean Jasper

Deedee Magno-Hall as Pearl

Uzo Aduba as Bismuth

Amy Sedaris as Teal Zircon

Jeff Bergman as Farmer

Featuring Billie Eilish as Turquoise

--

"Maybe I'll find myself smiling on that distant shore," Steven sang to himself while gazing at his watch as the oven timer counted down in front of him. "Maybe I'm not alone."

The timer beeped, notifying Steven that whatever he had in the oven was ready. After putting on some oven mitts and opening the oven, Steven pulled a pumpkin pie out and set it on the counter to cool. "This one is for you two, guys." He said before gazing at a nearby calendar that read June 7th. "I remember it like it was yesterday." Steven then began to reminisce on the aftermath of his visit to Homeworld.

--

A few weeks the Crystal Gems have successfully convinced the Diamonds to help them in healing the corrupted Gems on Earth, these Gems now needed somewhere to live. As far as Steven knew, there was no way they could expand the Temple to make room for all of them, and he's sure none of the newly healed Gems wanted to return to Homeworld, so the Crystal Gems decided that their only choice now was to build them their own little town. They had some basic ideas down, but all they needed now was a name.

"How about Peritropolis?!" Peridot suggested as she wrote down her choice of name on the whiteboard, with little sketches of her face surrounding the name for emphasis. "Pretty cool, huh?"

"How about something that won't stroke your ego?" Steven frowned at the idea.

"What about Barnstantinople?" Lapis proposed. "We are building it around where the barn used to be after all."

"Speaking of which, how's clean-up on that going?" Amethyst asked, looking out the window to gaze at the wreckage that was once Lapis and Peridot's barn house home. "I think some bits of it might be useful somehow."

"I say we put that on hold." Lapis stated. "That old barn caused just as much harm to Peridot and me as much as it did good."

"You serious about this?" Peridot asked her blue roommate. "I mean, we had so many good memories in there."

"Yeah, and a lot of those memories were you just bending over backwards trying to keep me happy." Lapis added. "I know you're still sad about me jumping ship and coming back with only a "Hey", but I still got things to work out, y'know."

"OK." Peridot said just as their pet Pumpkin opened the door. "Oh, hey Pumpkin!"

In contrast to Peridot being excited to see Pumpkin, the little canine fruit let out an exhausted bark before sitting down to nap, revealing wrinkles around her eyeholes.

"Hey, is your little buddy there doin' alright?" Bismuth asked. "I barely know a thing about the lifespan of organic creatures, but even I know she ain't doing so hot."

"Oh, I'm sure she's just tired!" Peridot assured Bismuth. "Just needs to rest, that's all!"

"Don't be so sure Peridot." Garnet advised the little Gem. "Pumpkin was brought to life with magic, which means she's probably lived longer than a pumpkin normally does."

"Just let her be happy Garnet." Pearl whispered into Garnet's ear. "She's already been through so much recently, and I don't think she can take anymore."

"You sure she's OK Dottie?" Steven asked Peridot regarding Pumpkin. "Nothing lasts forever, you know."

"Oh, she just needs some extra time in the Sun!" Peridot laughed. But despite her insistence, that wasn't how the story really went.

--

"Okay, a little to the left!" Peridot commanded Squaridot as the eye Gem Peridot levitated a lifeguard chair around while Bismuth, Ocean Jasper & Teal Zircon dug up the ground to build a swimming pool. "No, your other left!" she corrected herself. "Wait wait, your other OTHER left!"

"There's no such thing as an other other left!" Squaridot yelled and grumpily set the chair down next to where she was standing. "How's this?"

"Perfect." Peridot gave her fellow technician a thumbs up before turning around to see the Lapis twins walk towards the construction site. "Oh, I see our lifeguards wanna start early!"

"Why was it necessary for us to dress in these?" Laz wondered while modeling the red one-piece she was wearing. "I don't think red is my color."

"I don't know about you Laz, but I make this look good!" Zuli declared while flaunting her body in a matching outfit. "We look just like the hotties on Coast Patrol or Destiny from CPH season 3! By the way, where's Lapis? She's head lifeguard, so shouldn't she be out here with us?"

"She still has the suit, but she's not coming out because today is a special day." Peridot stated. "It's the anniversary of a certain something."

"Hey, I think I can see Steven's car!" Ocean Jasper cried out as she peeked out of the hole to find Steven disembarking from his Dondai Supremo and walking over with the pumpkin pie in hand. "And he's got a pie, maybe as thanks for our hard work."

"Naw, I don't think it's for us Ocean." Bismuth said just as Steven walked over to Peridot. "I think we should leave them alone for a bit and get back to work."

"Aw, but I wanted a pie!" Teal Zircon complained.

"I see you got the pie." Peridot said to Steven while gazing at the pie in his hands. "In case you're wondering, we worked on a new meep morp last night dedicated to her."

"Okay, why don't you show me?" Steven offered.

"I'd be happy to." Peridot smiled before turning back to everyone at the in-progress pool. "Keep up the good work everyone, I'll just be taking the rest off!"

"Yeah, take some time for yourself, Peri." Bismuth replied while Squaridot used her burgeoning ferrokinesis to lift the blacksmith out of the pool. "Just don't get too teary-eyed and fill up the pool early."

"Yeah, we're planning on filling the pool for our opening ceremony!" Teal called while struggling to get out.

"And I'm just gonna catch some rays." Laz declared as she sat down on a lawn chair, pulled some sunglasses over her eyes, and began sunbathing. However, her moment of peace was cut off by Zuli loudly blowing into her whistle and laughing.

"So, who's the pie really for Bis?" Ocean Jasper asked as she climbed out the pool before helping Teal and the two sat down next to Bismuth.

"You two got a moment?" Bismuth asked, and the Jasper and Zircon nodded in affirmation. "Well, the pie is actually for a friend of theirs."

--

Steven and Peridot kept walking away from the pool and eventually found themselves in front of the Little Homeworld house that Lapis & Peridot shared. It looked like a smaller version of the barn the two Gems once lived in, but instead of being decorated with a mishmash of items around the barnyard, it now looked like Peridot did most of the construction with bits of metal and advanced technology sprinkled onto a simple-looking two-story cabin.

"Hey Lapis, we're here." Steven called out to Lapis as he and Peridot entered the cabin to find Lapis napping on the couch with a manga on her lap and a red one-piece hanging on a clothes hanger nearby. "Lapis, wake up."

"Agh, don't go with her Pierre!" Lapis yelled as she woke up from her nap and rubbed her eyes to find Peridot & Steven before her. "Sorry you guys, I was trying on my lifeguard uniform, but then I got bored and decided to relax a little."

"You still remember what day it is?" Peridot asked while Steven presented his pumpkin pie.

"Yeah, I still do." Lapis declared sadly. "Want to see the meep morp we've been working on, Steven?"

"Sure." Steven replied before the two Gems took him upstairs to their shared bedroom & workshop, where a very large sculpture of Pumpkin stood, a big smile permanently etched onto the front beneath a pair of innocent eyes. "Almost like the real thing. Except bigger."

"Showing this to you makes me miss her even more." Peridot began to hold back tears. "I still remember how I coped with it too."

--

The groundbreaking ceremony of what would soon become Little Homeworld went quite swimmingly for the Crystal Gems, thanks to the support of their Beach City friends and the Diamonds. But amidst the rejoicing of a new beginning for Gems on Earth, there was some bad news that flew right under everyone's noses.

After Peridot marked the giant pit where the barn once was with Little Homeworld's flag, Pumpkin came strolling up to her green owner looking far wearier and more decayed than she did previously, a sight which worried them greatly. As soon as the ceremonies ended, Pumpkin was rushed back to the beach house.

"Please Steven, you gotta do something!" Peridot begged Steven while Pumpkin laid before the trio with a heavy sigh emitting from her mouth. "Pumpkin doesn't have much time left, surely you must have the solution like you always do!"

"I'm really sorry Peridot." Steven said regretfully. "As much as I would love to help you and Lapis out, Pumpkin wasn't long for this Earth anyways. Death is a perfectly natural part of life. It can be real sad and scary to watch someone you treasured so dearly go, but ultimately, their time will come all the same."

"So, she was going to die regardless?" Lapis said apprehensively while stroking the living gourd's rotting body. "I don't really see how this is possible since you did bring her to life with your powers, but I can deal with it."

"Well, I'm not!" Peridot objected tearfully. "It's not fair! I've already been through so much, why does the universe have to keep nailing the hammer into the coffin?!"

"Peridot, I know you're upset, but you gotta listen." Steven tried comforting his little green pal. "Death is completely natural, even if it's scary. I mean, my dad might die someday, and so might Connie. I'm not sure if I can die like a human though."

"Well, your race is different." Peridot declared. "None of you will ever know what it's like to live forever!" With that, she stormed out of the beach house to vent, leaving her two friends to worry for Peridot.

"I don't think I want to know where this is going." Lapis muttered.

"If it's anything like what happened to Peridot after you left Earth, I don't think she'll take it very well." Steven agreed.

--

Using a trashcan lid, Peridot flew far away from the general area of Beach City and into the countryside, where farmlands were very prosperous. Farmlands like the ones she and Lapis tended to together in the past, and the ones where Pumpkin was born. The very sight of all these fresh crops made her more miserable. What gave them the right to grow so healthy while Pumpkin looked so withered?

"Rackum frackum produce, I'll show you what for!" Peridot mumbled as she touched down in front of a pumpkin patch and swiftly got to work on destroying them. "You walked so Pumpkin could die!" she yelled as her green body became covered in orange pumpkin insides. "Why can't anything go my way for once?!"

"Hey, get offa my crops ya gremlin!" a farmer yelled at Peridot while stomping over to her with a pitchfork in hand. "You got any idea what it's like to work so hard on a great harvest, only for it to be ruined by a bunch of punks?!"

"No, but I'm sure you don't know what it's like to love someone only to lose them!" Peridot argued with the farmer, a retort that stunned him a little before he tried to look more sympathetic.

"Coping, eh?" the farmer said. "Look, you have every right to get mad, but that don't mean you can just stomp all over someone else's hard work! You gotta find better ways to vent, ya know!"

"Look, sir, I literally just ran away from home, I don't have time right now." Peridot coldly rejected the farmer's advice.

"Well, looks like you left me no choice." The farmer shook his head before reaching behind his back and pulling out a scary mask to frighten Peridot with. "BOOGEDY BOOGEDY BOOGEDY!"

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" Peridot screamed loudly before flying away from the farm on her lid.

--

As soon as Peridot returned to Beach City, she soared right towards Steven's house, where she found him making a grilled cheese sandwich, and began pounding on his window.

"Steven! Steven!" Peridot yelled from outside, getting the half-Gem's attention. "Let me in, I wanna talk!"

"You know you can just come in yourself." Steven suggested before opening the door for his green friend. "How have things been going?"

"I got an idea for you." Peridot stated. "How about in exchange for helping me with Pumpkin, I'll do something for you in return. Just name your price, I'll do anything!"

"Peridot, are you trying to bribe me into saving Pumpkin?" Steven asked. "Didn't I tell you earlier that death is a natural part of life?"

"But you managed to save Lars from death with your crying!" Peridot objected. "Why can't you do the same to Pumpkin?! Why does she have to die while so many other pumpkins have to live?!"

"Pumpkins?" Steven asked. "What other pumpkins?"

"I vented my frustrations by whaling on some farmer's pumpkin harvest." Peridot confessed innocently. "He didn't take too kindly to that."

"I think I know where this is going." Steven realized. "Five Stages of Grief, right? First was anger, now you're bargaining. Which means depression might not be too far behind." Just then, as if on cue, Steven's phone started ringing with a message from Lapis that he readily picked up. "Hello?"

"Steven, is Peridot there?" Lapis asked from the other end of the line. "Ever since she fled the house, I took Pumpkin back to our place, and now she wants to see us both before, you know."

"See what I mean?" Steven declared to Peridot, who was now on the verge of breaking down because now, she finally realized it was too late. "Do you want to see her?"

"Yes please." Peridot began to sob and hugged Steven tight. "Promise me that you won't ever leave too, Steven."

"I promise." Steven stated, hugging Peridot back.

--

Meanwhile, at the massive construction site that would soon become Little Homeworld, Lapis gently watched over the slowly dying Pumpkin, whose normally bright orange skin now had splotches of grayish-black, as she let out a weak yip. "Don't die yet, sweetie." Lapis assured Pumpkin. "Peridot will be here soon, I know it."

And right on cue, Peridot and Steven soared right towards Lapis on the trash can lid to see Pumpkin off one last time. Peridot raced as fast as she could towards the groundwork for her and Lapis's new home and tightly nuzzled her pet gourd, unaware that it wasn't in the mood for such a tight hug.

"Peridot, let her go! She's in pain!" Lapis yelled while prying the sentient pumpkin from Peridot's embrace, much to the green Gem's agony.

"No, please!" Peridot cried. "Just let me hold her!"

"I'm sorry Peri, but I don't think she can take much more!" Lapis argued while on the brink of crying just as much. "Pumpkin's already dying. She's so scared right now, so let's just-"

"Don't try to argue Lapis." Steven solemnly interrupted Lapis. "Peridot's already having a breakdown as is."

"I'm sorry about that." Lapis quickly apologized before she turned to Pumpkin. "Pumpkin, if you can still hear me, I want you to know that you and Peridot were the only things keeping me sane here, even when I ran off to the moon." She said to the dying fruit. "I can't thank you enough for brightening my day with your cute little smile, your barking, and all the days we spent playing together. Even if we find a replacement, none can ever replace you, little guy."

"You want a turn, Peri?" Steven said to Peridot.

"Fine, but I won't like it." Peridot sniffed loudly as she walked up to Pumpkin. "You were like an offspring to us, Pumpkin." She said quietly. "When I first saw your little carved face, those adorable stubby legs, it filled my heart with so much joy. Figuratively, of course, since we naturally don't have hearts. But every step we took together, every struggle, kept me grounded here on this crazy planet. Oh stars, now I won't know what to do now."

"Mah, mah," Pumpkin barked weakly with her last breath. "Mommy."

"I promise you," Peridot declared while her gem touched Pumpkin's forehead. "I'll never forget."

And with that, Pumpkin gently shut her eyes, allowing herself to pass on with her mothers and her creator by her side.

--

The funeral that followed was a private affair, with only the other Crystal Gems, Connie and Greg in attendance, and Pumpkin buried outside Peridot & Lapis's house. However, it was after the funeral when trouble began brewing. Just like when she had first begun living with the Gems, Peridot began hiding away in the bathroom for the next week to grieve the demise of Pumpkin and seemed resilient in refusing to come out, no matter how much they tried.

"C'mon P-Dot, open up!" Amethyst called while pounding on the door. "If you're planning on flushing yourself down the toilet again, let me tell you again, I tried that once and it didn't work."

"I think I know what to do." Greg proposed his idea and held up a boombox that began playing a song he knew she would recognize. "I look up to the sky, that's full of stars-"

"I'm trying to mourn here, leave me alone." Peridot despondently declared.

"I say we should respect her wishes." Garnet stated before she turned her gaze to Lapis. "Unless…."

"You think I should go in there?" Lapis asked.

"You are quite possibly Peridot's closest friend." Pearl agreed with Garnet.

"Closest friend?" Bismuth raised an eyebrow. "C'mon, we all know there may be something more than that!"

"Well, okay then." Lapis finally accepted with a shrug and slowly pushed the door open. "Wish me luck." She then said before entering the bathroom and closing it behind her. "You still in here?"

"So, they sent you in now." Peridot observed hoarsely. "I may have lost all hope, but I can still hear you know."

"They do say we're the closest." Lapis said before she sat down on the edge of the tub where Peridot had hidden herself away beneath a cocoon of Steven's bedsheets. "Come on now, get up and sit next to me."

"Okay, if it's you, I'll talk." Peridot succumbed to Lapis's offer and rose from her comfy shell to talk with her barn mate. "I'm sorry for worrying you all this past week, it's just that Pumpkin was basically our baby! Watching her die was like watching a child die!"

"Except the child wasn't human, it was a magical living pumpkin." Lapis remarked, which caused Peridot to glare at her. "No offense."

"But still, outside of our relationship, why did you volunteer?" Peridot wondered.

"Well, because I wanted to return the favor." Lapis answered. "Remember what happened after that boat trip I took with Steven and his dad?"

--

As soon as Lapis dropped Steven and Greg off at the docks following the boat trip gone wrong, she needed someone to lean on in her time of need. It didn't matter who, it could be any of the other Crystal Gems, or one of Steven's human friends. But right now, there was only one person, or rather Gem, that she could turn to.

Lapis could now see the barn in the distance, and as reluctant as she was to admit it, Peridot was the only one who could understand her regarding a certain Quartz. "Peridot, are you there?" she called for her green housemate. "I'm back!"

"Lapis, so glad you could make it!" Peridot exclaimed while racing out of the barn. "I discovered that I can move spoons with my mind, I made some decent progress on my Camp Pining Hearts essay; though I'm still stuck on the poutine theory, and-" However, she realized a bit too late what Lapis was feeling. "Is something the matter?"

"Steven and I found Jasper during the trip." Lapis said morosely. "She wanted to fuse with me again because she says I changed her. And to be honest, I think it was kind of my fault. Unfusing with Jasper drove her mad and I even said I missed taking all my frustrations out on her!"

"Lapis, are you serious?" Peridot gasped in alarm.

"Yes, I'm serious." Lapis declared as her eyes darkened and she turned away from Peridot. "Go ahead, run off and live with the Gems again so you don't have to be another one of my victims. If Jasper says I'm a monster, then I guess I really am one, especially after the way I treated you when we first moved in together."

"Okay Lapis, I don't want your garbage right now!" Peridot yelled, briefly breaking Lapis out of her funk with the almost exact words she described the tape recorder she broke. "I can see you're very stressed out. You want to scream so bad, to hit something, to let your anger out! But whatever you do, don't lose it on other people."

"Wh-what are you saying?" Lapis asked.

"I'm mostly just repeating stuff I read online," Peridot admitted. "I think what you need is a way to vent healthily, maybe on a perfectly defenseless object."

"Like what?" Lapis raised an eyebrow in suspicion.

"One second!" Peridot exclaimed while walking into the barn and coming back out with an alien plush wearing a top hat and bowtie that she gazed at with a solemn expression. "I'm so sorry my sweet." She said softly to the stuffed toy before presenting it to Lapis. "Go ahead, hit it as hard as you can. Or maybe something else violent, whatever."

"Okay." Lapis sighed as she began feeling around the toy for something to do before grabbing at the bowtie and ripping it off the alien's neck, causing some stuffing to spill out of the hole she created. "Whoa."

"So, how did that make you feel?" Peridot asked as the alien dropped from her grip.

"Good." Lapis muttered in awe of what she just did. "I feel so much lighter now, like a real adrenaline burst."

"See, as I told you." Peridot smiled happily. "You just needed healthier ways to relieve stress."

"You're right." Lapis agreed when she got an idea. "Now, how about I try something a little heavier?" She then glanced over to a nearby pickup truck and used the water from Peridot's makeshift pool to lift it into the air. "How about this?"

"Yeah, I think that could work." Peridot nervously replied before Lapis suddenly tossed the truck into the air. "NO WAIT, THAT'S A LITTLE TOO-" she screamed and covered herself to avoid getting hit, but the truck instead crashed into the wall over the barn entrance, creating a massive hole that the vehicle filled. "Hm, guess I was wrong."

"Well, if we're gonna be living here together, why don't we make ourselves at home?" Lapis laughed and put a hand on Peridot's shoulder.

"Yeah, I think this is a good start." Peridot agreed while wrapping her arm around the taller Gem's waist and the two began brainstorming ideas for remodeling the barn.

--

"Yeah, I really was there for you back then." Peridot realized with a grin. "And from then on out, we were so close."

"You bet." Lapis replied and cupped Peridot's face in her hands. "Let me be a shoulder for you to cry on this time. I love you Peridot."

"I love you too Lapis." Peridot responded happily before the two began to kiss, and their gems started glowing as they began to fuse into a tall, slender Gem with turquoise hair, dark cyan hair in the shape of a maple leaf, Peridot's glasses, Lapis's top with a bright yellow star on it, a skirt with a bronze ribbon around her waist and dark teal sandals with bronze accents.

The new, accidental fusion of Peridot and Lapis looked around the bathroom and gazed down at her four hands. Feeling around her body, she felts the gems of her components on her forehead and back before coming to a shocking realization and let out a loud, confused scream. "AAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Is something wrong?!" Steven exclaimed as he barged into the bathroom to discover the fusion before him and started screaming as well, but this time in joy. "AAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" the new fusion continued screaming and covered her face in alarm at Steven as the two continued shrieking at each other.

--

"But was that fusion really an accident or maybe something more?" Peridot asked while she, Steven, and Lapis walked outside to her and Lapis's garden in their backyard.

"Maybe a mix of both?" Lapis answered with a shrug. "I mean, we did kiss each other after saying "I love you" to each other, but the fusion part came out of nowhere."

"Still, we were all so happy to see you two fuse at last." Steven said. "Words could not describe how long I've been waiting for that moment."

"I couldn't shapeshift, so I just assumed I couldn't fuse as well." Peridot observed before they happened upon a makeshift tombstone that read 'In memory of Pumpkin. A good girl to the end.' "You know, all this talk reminds me of a song I've been writing for the past few days. It may seem a little short and I pulled from other sources, but it's the best I got."

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Lapis suggested eagerly. "Sing for us."

"Yeah, we never heard you do a solo before either." Steven agreed with the ocean Gem.

"Okay, if you insist." Peridot declared before she cued a nearby Robonoid tending to the garden to start playing jazzy music, and she started to sing. "My sweet little pumpkin o' mine, a living gourd with a smile so fine. You made us smile with your bark, your stem's like emerald, and filled with seeds of gold. You were our most beloved work of art."

Almost as if Pumpkin was coming back to listen to Peridot's eulogy, many similar living produce like additional pumpkins, some gourds, and squashes, began coming out to watch. "You saw fields of corn, sandy beaches too. In summers so warm, it was just us and you." Peridot continued singing. "And I think to myself, what a wonderful pet."

Soon, Lapis began to join in on the song as well. "Though your time was short, like all things are." She joined Peridot in singing with her own solo. "We'll always think of you, when we look at your star."

"Our sweet little pumpkin of ours," the pair finished the song and embraced each other. "You were a wonderful pet."

With that, the two Gems fused into Turquoise, this time on purpose while surrounded by living Cucurbita, and smiled.

"Thank you for coming today, Steven." Turquoise said to Steven. "It really means a lot to us."

"Nothing to it girls." Steven smiled while rubbing his finger on his upper lip.

In Memory of Thea "Muriel Bagge" White

June 16, 1940 – July 30, 2021

"What courage you have."

--

So ends the first installment of the Tearjerking Three. In comparison to what will come next, I'm pretty sure this will be tears of happiness at these two dorky barnmates basically becoming an item at last and even fusing too (also, I totally took Turquoise's design from @artifiziell, she makes some amazing stuff, go check her out). But next time, we move on from someone being dead for real to someone being dead to Steven. Can you guess which one? Oh who am I kidding, if you watch me on DeviantArt, I basically spoiled everything after this.

#steven universe #steven universe future #fanfiction #steven universe alternate future #steven quartz universe #peridot #lapis lazuli #pumpkin #garnet #amethyst #pearl #bismuth #teal zircon

[prettygirlcore]

fall - hwang hyunjin

a/n: i think i’m gonna start putting summaries on my posts, but don’t expect them to be good because i suck at that.

i also used like a million pet names because i find them really sweet and endearing. hyunjin’s a boy i want to protect, ya know?

warnings: fainting, hyunjin overworking himself :(((, and just overall sad vibes.

summary: hyunjin’s worried about being good enough, so he starts to work harder; that doesn’t end well.

hyunjin’s rarely late. being on time is usually something he holds himself to and when he knows he’ll be late, he’ll text you and let you know. but you haven’t heard anything from him since morning and he’s an hour late to your scheduled date. admittedly, you were just going to eat dinosaur chicken nuggets in your pajamas and watch tv, but all your stay-at-home dates are memories that you really cherish and value.

so you call him. and he doesn’t answer. at this point you’re more worried than annoyed, so your next resort is to call chan. hopefully you didn’t have to resort to calling jyp themselves.

“y/n? what is it? is everything okay?”

“chan, thank god you picked up, do you know where hyunjin is?”

“he’s still in the practice room. we told him he should get home to you, but he said that you’d be gone so he doesn’t have anything better to do but run through his sets a few more times,”

“Uhm no? i’m at home?? waiting for him???”

“maybe he forgot?”

“hyunjin’s capable of forgetting many things, our weekly dates isn’t one of them,”

“do you want me to get him for you?”

“no, just… let him be, i guess. whatever he’s doing is important to him, anyway,”

“y/n-”

“bye chris,”

you said before hanging up the phone, not giving chan a chance to finish. it was so incredibly embarrassing to think that hyunjin probably knew you were waiting for him, but didn’t care. maybe he was with someone else, since he was in a position where he’d be alone for a few hours. god you felt so dumb. chan felt pity for you and your stupid, dumb idea that hyunjin actually cared to make it to your stupid date.

you sit there, scrolling through a bunch of different apps, trying to distract yourself from how horrible you felt for a good twenty minutes, when...

your phone is ringing again.

chan is calling you again.

you watch his face light up your phone, you can hear the ringtone, and yet, you don’t pick up. maybe it was the underlying rage you felt towards hyunjin, or the absolute hatred you felt at chan’s pitiful voice when you almost broke down crying during the first call.

chan’s call fades out as you officially ignore his call and send him to voicemail, but he calls again.

you still don’t answer.

he calls you again.

once again, you can’t find it in you to answer.

he calls you a good five more times, maybe more, you don’t remember. all you know is that this ringtone is starting to annoy you. you move to put your phone on do not disturb, but before you can hit the button, you were getting another call.

guess who it was?

wrong.

you think to yourself if minho, of all people, is calling me, maybe i should answer it.

so you do.

“minho-”

“yah! what the hell? why weren’t you answering chan’s calls?”

“minho i don’t want to talk about it right now-”

“oh my god y/n for one minute stop thinking about you and your feelings! for just once in your life! hyunjin’s at the hospital!”

hospital?

hyunjin was at the hospital??

you were shocked, stunned into silence that you completely disregarded minho on the other line until he brought you back to reality.

“y/n?”

“a-ah, i’m sorry, why is he at the hospital?”

“they think he fainted from a combination of a lack of sleep and dehydration. he’s not awake right now, but the doctors assume he will be soon. he took a pretty bad fall when he fainted, and because he was all alone, nobody knew anything had happened to him until you called chan about him,”

“did he break anything when he fainted?”

“no, he just has a pretty nasty bruise on his side. agh, why am i explaining all of this to you? just get over here, okay? he’ll want to see you when he wakes up,”

completely disregarding all the irritation you had felt a second before, you thanked minho and grabbed your car keys, heading over to the hospital. you were driving faster than was safe, but it didn’t matter. hyunjin has fainted when you assumed he was cheating. what an asshole you were.

seeing him in that bed, all pale and weak-looking, truly made you think. had you paid any attention to hyunjin these past few days? you were sure he was fine just the other day, if a bit tired looking. he did also seem weaker. but you just took that as something sleep could fix.

maybe the last time you had seen him was yesterday, but you haven’t really seen him since maybe a week ago, your last date. he’s been so busy, you just assumed he was sleeping at the dorms when he wasn't sleeping next to you. was he really not sleeping at all?

you were pulled from your thoughts when his hand started to squeeze yours, a telltale sign he was waking up. you looked over at him, and his eyes were closed but you could tell he was drifting out of sleep.

“don’t try to get up, sweetie, you’re a bit weak right now,”

“y-y/n…? where am i?”

“you’re okay, you’re just at the hospital,”

“o-oh, um, look i’m really sorry for causing so much trouble and for missing our date, i didn’t mean to i just got caught up in practicing-”

“practicing doesn’t come before your health, jinnie, you know that,”

“i know but i was so worried about this past comeback and i feel like i didn’t do my best and you know jyp never gives us a break and i just have to be better-,”

“hyunjin,”

“y/n i have to be more than just a pretty face. i can’t be remembered as just a visual, i have other talents! i promise that i’m just working harder so i can show that there’s more to me than my looks,”

“stop, please, just stop,”

“y/n-”

“do you think i’m okay with seeing you like this? do you think the boys are okay with seeing you like this? what about stay? do you think they could fully enjoy anything you’re making knowing that you had to resort to unhealthy habits like not sleeping and forgetting to drink water?”

“i mean no i guess not, but this wasn’t supposed to happen-”

“what was supposed to happen, hyunjin? were you just going to keep carrying on practicing day and night, destroying your body, all while not talking to me about this?”

“you shouldn’t have to deal with-”

“that’s not up to you to decide what i should or shouldn’t deal with! because i’m here now, dealing with the aftermath of what you did,”

“... you’re right, i’m sorry, y/n,”

you suddenly realize that you’ve stood up from the chair you were sitting in. you’re also towering over him, since he’s laying in a hospital bed, and your angry expression and pointed finger in his direction probably didn’t help. he does look kind of scared of you.

“ah, i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to scare you. i was just really worried, i felt really helpless when i first saw you laying there, so i’m sorry if that was too much. i’ll check in with you doctor and see when we can get you home, sweetie,”

you say with a kiss on his forehead, and suddenly he’s alone again. like he was in the practice room. he didn’t like to be alone, more specifically, he didn’t like to be without you.

the doctors do plenty of tests to make sure there wasn’t anything else that contributed to his faint, but hyunjin is soon in the comforts of your arms and bed finally. he cuddles up close to you, resting his head against your chest. he feels safe when he heard your heartbeat.

“jinnie?”

“hmmm?”

“can we talk?”

“y-yes, sure,”

he looks like he doesn’t want to move, so you don’t force him to. his voice is slightly muffled but you can still make out what he says, so it’s not a big deal.

“you said you started practicing more because you were worried that you didn’t do good enough,”

“uhm, y-yeah, that’s why,”

“jinnie, darling, what made you feel that way?”

he looked at you like a deer in headlights, before resting his head in your lap. you run your fingers through his long hair, but it’s not enough to calm him.

“i… i see the things they say. i know it shouldn’t get to me, that i shouldn’t let it get to me, but it does. i can’t just tell myself to stop thinking about their criticisms like you want me to, it doesn’t work that way,”

you were almost taken aback by his slightly aggressive attitude, but you let it go. he’s not in the state of mind to care to watch what he says. with all that he’s feeling, it would be selfish to put the spotlight on you.

“i’m sorry, jinnie. i can tell it’s hard, so much more than i know. i can empathize and try to help you but i’ll never know what it truly feels like,”

it’s silent for another minute or two, the silence isn’t unbearable, but it’s awkward.

“how can i help you, jinnie? what would make your life easier right now?”

he’s quick to dismiss you, say you don’t need to do anything, but you speak up again before he can respond.

“and don’t tell me i don’t need to do anything. i want to help you,”

he smiles, somewhat sadly as he looks down to avoid looking you in the eye.

“just…”

“yeah?”

“...please be there for me,”

he looks up at you with watery eyes, and before you crush him in another hug, he speaks once more,

“please be there to catch me if i fall,”

#stray kids #stray kids drabbles #stray kids imagines #stray kids writing #stray kids x reader #stray kids fluff #stray kids angst #stray kids hyunjin #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin x reader #hyunjin fluff #hyunjin angst

[thatfanficstuff]

Nightingale’s Song - 11

Pairing: Bucky x Anna (OC)

Warnings: not really

A/N: OMG. A Chapter. OMG. 

***

Anna leaned against the wall with her arms crossed over her chest just watching the others in the room. Stark was apparently on a call with the director of SHIELD trying to get them more information about the Siberian base. She could tell them where it was located but not how to get in or anything of the sort. Stark was hoping for some satellite imagery of the area.

Her gaze fell on the new arrivals huddled in the corner with Steve. When Tony said they needed reinforcements she hadn’t anticipated him calling on actual gods. Okay, so they weren’t really gods, but she’d always been slightly fascinated by Norse mythology. When the brothers were being discussed at Hydra, she’d always assumed Loki and Thor were code names. Her eyes shifted to the woman with them, Loki’s wife Isolde. Their secret weapon. Or so Steve had said though he didn’t explain further.

She straightened as Tony hurried into the room. “JARVIS, pull it up please.”

Everyone moved over to the table as images appeared in the room around them. This was so cool. Steve motioned to the seat next to him and she slid into it, reaching over to grab his hand. She found herself needing to touch him when he was near. Too many years spent apart with nothing but Hydra’s attentions.

Tony somehow moved the images around with nothing other than his hands until he found the one he wanted. He motioned and the image grew larger. “Okay. Thanks to Anna here we know the exact location of the base. After some prodding, Fury gave me access to satellite scans of the area. Nothing popped out at me until this.”

“What is that?” Clint asked.

“It looks like a bunker entrance,” Steve answered as he squeezed Anna’s hand.

“Easy to overlook unless you know it’s there,” Tony agrees with a nod. He shifted his attention to Anna. “What do you know?”

She shook her head once and took a breath. “There are things I know and there are things that I can guess with some degree of accuracy. Unfortunately, it’s not a lot.”

“Anything is better than nothing,” Stark said.

“Bucky is Hydra’s version of Steve, but he’s a weapon. Nothing more. They use him then they freeze him. When they have another task, they wake him. I can’t tell you what his current status is though it wouldn’t surprise me if they’ve thawed him to deal with you lot. You were really starting to get under their skin. If he’s awake there will be fewer soldiers at the facilities. They’ve been stretched kind of thin lately. Also your fault.”

“Nice to know we’re actually having an impact. I was starting to wonder,” Natasha said. The others made noises of agreement.

“He lost his left arm. Whether it happened in the fall or after, I’m not sure. They’ve replaced it with metal. Works just like the real thing only better. I’d avoid getting grabbed by that one if you can. The twins aren’t used much in the field yet. They volunteered for the experiments after their mother was killed in a terrorist attack. They’ll probably release them once we breach the facility. If you encounter the girl, remember everything you see should be called into question. She can manipulate thoughts, memories. Like I said, the soldiers are terrified of her.”

“What do you mean when we breach the facility?” Tony asked. “You aren’t doing anything. We appreciate the information but you’re a nurse.”

Steve sat up and Anna squeezed his hand to stave off his argument. She’d anticipated this.

“I’m the only that’s ever been able to override Bucky’s programming.”

“That may be true. Answer’s still no. We’re already going in mostly blind. The last thing we need is another liability.”

The corner of Anna’s mouth curled in a smile. “After seventy years with Hydra, what makes you think I’ll be a liability?”

Steve tugged on her hand and she glanced over to see him studying her with worried eyes. She shrugged. It didn’t matter. Not really. All that mattered was getting Bucky back.

“She saved my life,” Clint said.

Anna looked over and smiled in thanks. He nodded once in acknowledgment.

Tony sighed, catching her attention. “Fine. The assassins test you. You pass, you can come. Fair?”

“Fair,” she agreed quickly. “You also need to equip non-lethal ordinances that will work on someone with Steve’s metabolism. Bucky and the male twin will both need them. The female should respond to standard tranquilizers.”

“Banner?” Steve asked.

“I’ve got a formula on file. It shouldn’t take me long to mix up.”

“I’ll help,” Tony said. “Assassins, Anna. We’ll head out when everyone’s ready.”

***

Anna trailed behind the Bartons and Natasha as they headed to the training floor. Steve followed along as well. Tony had started to protest but one look from the super soldier shut him up. Both of you were reluctant to separate. The fact you were about to be tested by three assassins probably didn’t help that feeling. He’d always been protective of her anyway.

They stepped into a large room and Anna glanced around. The facilities were top-notch. Not that she’d expected anything less from Stark. “Where do you want to start?” she asked once she finished taking everything in.

The three exchanged a glance and Natasha gestured to the equipment. “Why don’t you give us a demonstration?”

Anna’s lips twitched and she took a stroll around the room as she planned exactly what to show them. There was only so much she could show them using equipment. Finally, she walked over to the climbing rope and tugged on it a couple of times. Someone sighed behind her and she took that as her cue to get started. She made it to the top of the rope in under a minute.

“Christ.” That was the male Barton. The sentiment was echoed by his wife when Anna pulled herself onto the rafters and ran along them with no hesitation. And when she launched herself from them to land at their feet, Steve wasn’t the only one to yell.

There was a moment’s stillness as Anna straightened then Natasha launched into an attack. Anna blocked or dodged every punch and every kick. Picking up on a soft sound behind her, she stepped to the side only for Raven to land where Anna had been standing a moment before. Once it became two against one, more blows found their mark, but Anna remained on her feet much to the aggravation of the women in front of her.

Another whisper of sound had Anna spinning to snatch a practice arrow from the air. Taking advantage of her distraction one of the others brought their heel down on the extended arm. The snap of breaking bone echoed through the room.

Anna flinched but that was the only outward sign of the pain that suddenly flared through her.

“Holy shit. I’m so sorry,” Raven Barton gasped. “Are you alright?” She reached out a hand but didn’t touch in case the assistance would be unwelcome.

Anna smiled. “It’s fine.”

“That is not fine, Anna. Far from it.” Steve scowled at everyone as he stepped forward and lightly supported Anna’s bruised and swollen arm.

“Excuse me a moment,” she said and turned to the others. “Natasha could you do me a favor?”

She arched a brow. “Maybe.” She took a step forward.

“Hold my wrist. Tightly please.”

The assassin frowned but did as Anna asked. Once she was certain Natasha had a firm grip, Anna yanked the arm backward and the bones ground against each other as they slid back into place.

“Agh!” Clint yelled at the sound. “Don’t do that.”

Anna chuckled as she gave Natasha a nod. “Thanks.”

“Sure,” the red-head replied sounding more than a bit concerned.

Anna closed her eyes and breathed as she concentrated on the injury. A moment later the only thing that remained of the injury was a dull ache that would leave soon enough. She stretched and moved the arm around, testing it out. “There. All fixed.”

“Didn’t that hurt at all?” Steve asked.

“Hurt like a bitch.” At his concerned expression, she continued. “You can learn to ignore a lot if you have to, Cap. Trust me.”

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