#it could be something to do with anxiety but thats still weird bc i get anxious about being observed
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Winning a prize personally by being someone's "well, this trope isn't usually my style, but i know this author is Really Good at writing so i'll check it out anyways" author
#we speak#if you are the person we're talking about here: points at u. <3<3<3#at some point we will post works that are slightly more fluffy#but unfortunately you will have to deal with the fact that we fucking love morally dubious idiots and we also fucking love Situations#at all times we are looking between our works where bad things happen and our works where its just a passive Emotion Swirl#and then picking Bad Things Happen bc we think its fun#eventually we will get around to fluffier stuff we're just allergic to not swirling in a few bonus emotions#we are sorry but we have tried! we cannot write straight fluff. we need smth extra to make it interesting#otherwise our brain simply Does Not latch on#we salute the brave fluff makers out there for being capable of creating straight up fluff its not generally our style and we dont know#how to make it#is it really a tender moment if u do not get there through daring ur friend to eat u while still like 50% sure u might die#perhaps with a tiny bit of the impulsive want of “if im going to risk death then its gonna be at the claws of someone i love”#we think not. also bc something something love we find the need to note our vi is Very Aro. this is due to The Aro Anxiety#us writing anything about love: but what if they think its... ROMANTIC??? oh gods the horrors the horrors#that said we do not think team snakemouths relationship fits into any relationship definition#and if we ever write a relationship chart for whatever reason their dynamic will be listed as “team snakemouth”#right next to mothiva and zasps “in love and incapable of not being weird abt it” and levi and celias “married (immigration purposes)"#they sure are team snakemouth. people look at them and go “thats team snakemouth all right”.#you could ask thirty different people and get thirty different answers as to their relationship and they would all be wrong#anyways. we've derailed somewhat. we are part of the *checks*#...77.1% of the whump community that is aspec and we like to do funky fresh pain things#alas it is one of the many things that must be tolerated about us and our writing. however if u follow us ur probably fine#we are most obnoxious on our tumblr blog where u have to choose to enter bc we are secure in the knowledge that u can leave at any time#we dont need to tone ourself down here! theres a bunch of buttons u can use to choose our volume for urself! its fucking great!#gods we love being obnoxious on the internet it is SO much fun. more people should do this#its also fun to post things abt fics that we may not finish for months at a time. we love to do that#we will get around to all of our works eventually but the wait will be Long. in the meantime u get to see us talking abt how cool we are
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Dipper and Mabel pines headcanons?
FINALLY getting around to answering these! since im better at them, heres some college age headcanons that apply just as much to how i view them in the show!
DIPPER PINES
transmasc. duh. of course
parents are INCREDIBLY supportive, super understanding. hes on hormone blockers in the show and starts HRT as soon as hes able, getting top surgery and bottom surgery in his early 20s
bisexual! ran into a guy junior year of highschool and went oh GOD. this is wendy 2.0 im going to die
NERD.
LOVES board games. so much. not just dungeons and dragons and monopoly im talkin everdell, wingspan, cascadia, catan. he loves a good think. he also loves dragging everyone else into playing them with him. he always wins. almost always, anyway
absolutely adores college and everything about it hes a little freak. totally ends up being the president of a few clubs, co creating some, etc. made an occult club AND a hiking club at his college
loves doodling, loves horror. his teachers? not so much. they try not to look at the weird ass creatures he draws on the margins of his very well written homework.
probably goes into something smart. like biochem. or um. stem. im (author) is a liberal arts major all i do is write gay fanfiction.
PSYCHOTIC ASS DORM ROOM. he barely decorated it like a classic college male but has a conspiracy board and thats it. which is full of strange shit hes seen outside of gravity falls. to be fair its very well documented and somewhat neat, just…. strange decor. he lives in a single (introvert)
COVERED in tattoos, but always abides by the suit rule (all tattoos need to be able to be covered by a suit to be professional. he knows this bc hes a neerrrrddd). he has really sick sleeves of runes and other occult like things hes found interesting. he has cipher related tattoos as well and also even got ford to design a few.
he has PROMINENT eye bags. he will never fix his sleep schedule
ended up working as a summer camp counselor for a while right outside if gravity falls! the kids loved him but he couldnt stand the heat and bugs all the time so he only did it for a summer or two
even after turning 21 he doesnt actually drink that much, hes a craft beer enjoyer and likes to make it himelf (Much later in life)
ALWAYS stays in touch with mabel. if anything happens in either of their lives you better BELIEVE theyre already on the phone with eachother
medical marijuana card holder
smokes to help eith his anxiety. it works WONDERS
coffee drinker but actually Does put cream and sugar is coffee. sometimes. other times hes too tired and just thugs it out
MABEL PINES
THE number one it girl ever
NUMBER ONE TRANS ALLY EVERRRRRR she loves her brother so much
pansexual!! she loves cool people, thats her motto
went to a fashion design school, is loving it despite drowning in work
began dying her hair in cool ways through highschool, now she always has some of her natural color present but goes a little crazy on the highlights
found out about huge dangley joke earrings. went absolutely crazy. has an entire space on her desk dedicated to her many many earrings. she has babies, knives, bags of doritos, aliens, glow in the dark ones, anything you could imagine.
fantastic at fashion design. stuggled a lot with the fancier stuff but her teachers were floored when they let her go wild on casual comfy wear. she excells in combining fashion and comfort in really exciting and colorful ways.
a party girl through and through, loves clubs, raves, concerts, anything!
video game lover as well, cracked at pvp games.
still boy crazy, just less so (has had like. 10 college boyfriends)
literally the sweetest friend ever. she loves hosting movie nights and tea parties (bc who wouldnt. theyre awesome)
tea drinker, loves floral teas with honey
HATES. black coffee. a starbucks frap girlie 4ever
has been scouted for modeing multiple times and only accepted when it was a commercial with puppies
love love loves making friendshio bracelets. knows all the patterns, all of her friends have a hefty amount of a bunch of different ones because she just keeps making them
anywwy, here you go! i love these two so much, i hope ive done them justice!
#dipper pines#mabel pines#headcanons#gravity falls#gravity falls headcanons#hcs#gravity falls dipper#gravity falls mabel#writing#writeblr
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Can you make a s/o who forgets their name x sunny day jack and bo angst maybe like when jack and bo call their s/o their real name and the s/o doesn’t really listen and once they call the s/o by their nickname they listen. (It’s bc I sometimes forget my own name so I wanna see how’d they react.) if you don’t mind
Sunny Day Jack
It was a normal calm afternoon in your shared home. Jack was in the kitchen making lunch for you while you were in the living room watching some TV show that caught your attention.
"Hey y/n, what would you like on your sandwich?"
After a minute or two, there was no response. That's okay. Maybe you just can't head him over the tv. "Hey y/n! What do you want on your sandwich?!"
Still no response. "Y/n?" Jack walked over and poked his head into the living, nearly panicked, thinking you left, but you didn't? You still sat on the couch blissfully unaware. "Sunshine?"
You immediately perked up and looked over to him. "Yes love?
This made Jack brows furrow. "Didn't you hear me calling you?"
You blink at him owlishly. "I heard you calling a name, but not me."
"I.....I called your name sunspot."
The two of you stared at each other for a few minutes. He could see you try to piece together the information he gave you. "My....name....?"
He slowly nodded, still watching your reaction. "Is that my name...?" Well, that worried him. Were you just pulling his leg, or do you not remember you name. If you don't, what cause this?? Is it permanent??
He walked over to couch beside you, grabbing your hand in his own. "Are you okay? Did you really forget your own name?"
You seemed to rack your brain before nodding at him slowly, a fear-inducing anxiety coming across your face. He sits with you for as long as it takes for you to remember your own name. When you do, he starts putting little reminders for you. Sticky notes with words of affirmation and your name.
He even starts using your name more. It feels weird at first, but as time does on, he likes how it sounds on his lips and says because he likes it that much.
Even if you don't remember your name, he does, and he will help remind you.
Bo
The two of you were on a nice date at the park. He had left you a bench to get the two of your a drink, but when he came back you were gone!
"Y/n! I got us our drinks!" He looked around, hoping you would respond, but when you didn't, he could feel panic come over him. "Y/n! T-this isn't funny anymore!" Still no response.
As the panic settled into his bones, causing him to shake and whimpered out, "Puppy...?" He heard as gasp followed by a familiar pair of arms around his torso.
"Are you okay? What happened, Bo??"
He quickly turned to face his arms, wrapping themselves around you dropping the drinks in the process. "I thought you left me! I called you over and over and you didn't respond!"
As you soothed him, you tried to rack your brain. You didn't recall him calling you. You heard him say a name, but it wasn't yours....right? "Um, Bo....? What name did you call?"
He pulled away from you, looking bewildered. "Yours! My y/n!"
You only looked at him confused, which set off alarm bells in Bo's mind. You don't seem to remember your name. Did something happen when he was gone? Did he fail to protect you?!
"Thats....my name?"
"Yes!" His hands cup your face, and he begins to examine you. "Did something happen to me while I was gone? Do I need to take you to the hospital?!"
Once again, you began racking your brain for awnseres. You don't remember hurting yourself or someone hurting you, and nothing hurts. So why can't you remember your name?
Bo takes you home for the rest of the day and only uses your name when talking with you. He doesn't want you to forget something as precious as your name, so he tries to help you remember without hurting you. He also may or may not take you to the doctor the next day just to make sure your okay.
#sunny day jack#swwsdj#something's wrong with sunny day jack#x reader#yandere x reader#sunny day jack x reader#something's wrong with sunny day jack x reader#swwsdj x reader#dachabo bo x reader#dachabo x reader#dachabo#dachabo bo
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you literally give such good advice, like you give such wise big sister vibes/the woman in ur life you know thats older than you (or is just wise) and wish was ur sister!! Like ugh how are you so wise? im only a teen so i couldnt be that wise bc i havent lived that long but you help me see the world in such a beautiful way, i'm seeing beauty in everything now and im calmer, get more sleep, my mental health is better and im even doing better in school, you are truly an angel
i hope everything you want works out well for you, and both of your sides of the pillow are cold (or warm, whatever you'd like)
i hope to meet more people like you one day, i just wanted to reach out and say ty for sharing your thoughts on here for everyone to see because they're so beautiful and great! And they just help me sm everytime i see them
off topic but i SWEAR everytime im about to get upset or something weird happens i go on tumblr (coincidentally) because im overwhelmed and i go on my phone to cope, go on tumblr and see you on feed and im like why was i upset lmfao?
!!! absolutely no words. thank you so so much for your kindness. i always figured that anon would be a way to hide behind a mask and say absolutely horrible things; it never crossed my mind that there are people w such warm, burgeoning hearts out there that they’d use it as a means to drop in joy without expecting anything for it. i am actually blown away. this means more to me than u will ever know.
my anxiety (and just struggling to function in general) peaked when i was a teenager. it was a time i would’ve wanted nothing more than someone to reassure me that things would get better. so (at the risk of sounding very cheesy) now i strive to be that for people who need it, or genuinely just an outlet for anyone who wants to let out their thoughts bc i know that helps too. i’m literally just a 21 year old w raging female thoughts, still learning and messing up and re-learning and everything in-between, but i’m really glad my long-winded thinkpieces help u anon <3 like truly touched & grateful it had some sort of impact, however big or small it may be. will be ur big sister whom u could vent to always and forever. this is us
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hp next gen red flags for @sunflowersandscorpius 🫶🫶
rose: will think she is better than you because she reads something with more literary merit
albus: will act like such an asshole to you bc hes tired or hungry or something small but when you snap back at him he’s completely shocked like he didn’t just deserve that
scorpius: something bad will happen to him and his anxiety has him warning you and making you stress over the most random ass shit. like he’ll say “omg last week i said i felt pretty and i said ‘i feel pretty today’ and NOW i have a pimple on my chin. NEVER call yourself pretty. uh huh. in fact, never say anything good about yourself because you will accidentally JINX yourself yeah uh huh”
delphi: literally tortures kids she gives off the vibe of a weirdly conservative alt siege mask girl idk
victoire: will complain with you about how HARD that test was and how she is going to absolutely FAIL it bc she did so bad. then she will get a 98% and you will get a 67% or something and she’ll be like ‘omg you did so well! 🤭’
teddy: type of person that you will spill your heart out to and you wont know a goddamn thing about him because of how fucking secretive she is
james: will break up with you by saying ‘im sorry im just not ready for a relationship’ and then will ghost you forever and find a new girl in two minutes
lily: you will tell her a secret and everyone and their great aunts will know it in an hour
lysander: worst person to be spilling drama with. he could tell you his parents are getting divorced and when you ask him why he’ll say “idk i didnt ask 😐”
hugo: has wayyyy too many friends to the point you could give him the most thoughtful carefully crafted gift ever and he’ll be like “omg thanks this is so cute 😻” and then chuck it with the rest of the just as thoughtful carefully crafted gifts
yann: hes not exactly problematic but he has friends that are, and he’s the type to say “oh no they’re really not that bad 🥺” as polly is beating someone up beside him
polly: will say the most fucked up thing EVER like its nothing and add a ‘lol’ or ‘xoxo’ to it at the end 😨
karl: cannot have a real conversation. try to strike up a mature conversation to better the relationship with him and his attachment issues got him saying “damn aight” to your carefully thought out heartful speech
craig: plays devils advocate in history class 💀
sophia: will offer to massage you if you’re feeling stressed and will end up breaking your bones (accidentally but still… unpleasant)
dominique: thinks shes better than you because her eyeliner is better
louis: will call you poor (as a joke but still)
molly: will point to someone literally getting run over by a car and will say “omg thats so embarrassing”
lucy: says “its on like donkey kong”
fred: says ‘who’ and then pauses and says ‘asked’ and acts like he roasted tf out of you
roxanne: will tell you in detail about personal things and dgaf about TMI topics. she just took the most massive dump and you’re going to hear every detail. you’re also going to hear about this incredibly steamy scene in the book she read last night, and all the random places of her body where she has weird bumps that she thinks she should be concerned about.
lorcan: doesnt wash his back
alice (bonus): will do work of her own free will and then complain about it. same vibe as your mum going “i slave away in this house”
#i am multiple of these but i dont want to say who bc ill embarrass myself 💀#thinking of making this a seris bc its so fun… idk want to do next tho so open to suggestions 🫦#harry potter#harry potter next generation#hp next gen#hp nextgen#hpcc#scorpius malfoy#albus severus potter#rose granger weasley#polly chapman#molly weasley ii#lucy weasley#fred weasley ii#james sirius potter#lily luna potter#lysander scamander#lorcan scamander#hugo weasley#teddy lupin#victoire weasley#dominique weasley#louis weasley#delphini riddle#roxanne weasley#karl jenkins#yann fredericks#sophia barclay#craig bowker jr#alice longbottom ii
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it's not saturday anymore (at least for me) but i don't care and i hope you don't either...
(yes, i'm gonna ask you one for nearly each point, cause... that's like my personality...)
i'm not very original here, but i'm excited for your answers!!!
☆ fuck, marry, kill:
(really not original, but i wanna knowwwww)
james, sirius, remus?
regulus, evan, barty?
mary, dorcas, marlene? (and lily too?? ahhhh how can i add her???)
☆ top 3 of...
hmmm... i'm gonna do that differently: if you could only eat (don't worry about drinking) 3 things for the rest of your life, what would it be?
☆ are you a dog or a cat person?
☆ ahhhhhhhhhh i can't think of something for the next two... (okay, that's like half true i'm just too shy... sorry...)
☆ headcanons... that's a long answer probably? and this is so long already... but... tell me something if you want to? about anything? anddd one question: what do you think about ravenclaw barty?
☆ hmmmm... i don't really knowww... okay, this is weird maybe, but i think, you'd be awesome in a cartoon? that isn't even question-related... yeppp... i mean that in the nicest way possible btw!!! i think you're that mix of being sweet and cool that i associate with cartoon characters? okay... that's kinda dumb... my social anxiety/awkwardness is screaming at me... (what i mean is that i think you'd be awesome in a cartoon what leads to that maybe i'd ship you with a cartoon character? but i don't know enough about cartoon to give a character... i just kinda got that vibe...)
☆ my day was kinda boring... nothing special, but also very chilled...
how are you doing? how was your day? :)
byeeee
<33
hiiiii!! Thx for all the questions (im bored so this is perfect for rn. i honestly don't care if its not sat. anymore lol.) Anyways here's my answers.
☆ fuck, marry, kill:
kill james (im sorry my love 😭 i still adore u), fuck sirius (i may be ace but u get the point), and marry remus (bc we would be book lovers together).
kill barty (😭😭😭), fuck evan (bc why not), and marry regulus (he's just a bby thats in need of love). (bro it was so hard to choe between barty and evan omg. im still not sure lmao)
i'm gonna do fuck, slap, mary, kill for the girls bc i wanna add lily in. marry lily (ily queen), fuck dorcas, slap marlene, and kill mary (im gonna be honest here i dont rly know/read a lot abt them but i wanna read more good fics so recommendations r welcome)
☆ top 3:
Ok so if i could only eat 3 things for the rest of my life it'd probably be.... chocolate (bc i need it), chicken (bc i need protein and why not), and peas (my fav veggie). thats a hard question lol. i kinda just picked what i need for a balanced (ish) diet....
☆ dog or a cat person?
i love dogs, but im a cat person. (i also have 2 dogs and 1 cat. i love them all <3)
☆ headcanons… that's a long answer probably? and this is so long already… but… tell me something if you want to? about anything? anddd one question: what do you think about ravenclaw barty?
ooooo, ok. so ravenclaw barty (bc im starting with the question). I honestly like it. I feel like he's both sytherin and ravenclaw (like me) and i honestly like him in both houses. ig sytherin is a little better for him but honestly i still like him in both. idk why it just feels kinda right?? (and he still gets cute moments with evan in both houses so i cool with both lol)
hmmmm... a headcanon of mine..... i'm gonna stick to the marauders fandom bc why not. one of my fav headcanons is just soft reggie. like just for james. he's srsly so adorable and he loves to cuddle with his bf (even tho he's to embarrassed to ask at first so james just kinda pulls him into a hug/kiss every time he senses reg doesn't wanna ask and reg gets all flustered. he does get comfortable with it eventually tho). another one of my fav headcanons is abt wolfstar. I feel like siri is the one who stays with rem after every full and they just snuggle and enjoy each other. even before they get together (rem is so scared of ruining everything by confessing so he just holds it in bc he just loves siri so fucking much that it physically hurts him to even think of losing him.) anyways one day after the full they're chilling on rem's bed and siri just whispers i love you bc he needs to say it and they both just freeze. siri apologizes over and over and rem is just kinda stuck on the fact that siri actually said i love you?? to him?? and then he registers that sirius is crying so he just kisses him before he can think abt it. it ends well ofc. (i feel like these aren't rly headcanons and they're just little random stories but we're going with it for now lol)
☆ okay, this is weird maybe, but i think, you'd be awesome in a cartoon? that isn't even question-related… yeppp… i mean that in the nicest way possible btw!!! i think you're that mix of being sweet and cool that i associate with cartoon characters? okay… that's kinda dumb… my social anxiety/awkwardness is screaming at me… (what i mean is that i think you'd be awesome in a cartoon what leads to that maybe i'd ship you with a cartoon character? but i don't know enough about cartoon to give a character… i just kinda got that vibe…)
thank u!!! idk why but this is honestly rly sweet! cartoon characters r awesome so i absolutley love this thank u! u may have just made my day lol. (also the social akwardness is so relatable lmao) also a ship with a cartoon character? that sounds kinda interesting....lmk if u think of someone bc now im kinda curious lol. (i've never been in a relationship but im curious to see what cartoon vibes i give off and who u'd ship me with)
☆ my day was kinda boring… nothing special, but also very chilled…how are you doing? how was your day? :)
my day was pretty good actually! i hung out a friend's house (i haven't seen the friend in a while so it was cool to see them again) for a while so that was nice. although the misgendering was kinda annoying.... im doing meh. im rly anxious abt my upcoming presentation and also everything i've gotta do but i'm ok rn. how r u? ur day honestly sounds nice (i love lazy days so i may be biased lmao). I hope it was nice to have a relaxing-ish day tho.
thx so much for the ask btw!! ur sirius-ly awesome (ignore my marauders humor but i had to). <3
byeeeee!! <3
#asks#answered#<3#marauders era#marauders#headcanon#marauders fandom#marauders headcanon#sleepover saturday#random questions#rly long post lmao#this is probably the longest thing ive ever posted.... idk how to feel abt that lmao#thx for the ask!#love u all
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vent under the cut
ive had two best friends in my life, one from elementary to high school who moved away when we were 14 and we grew apart, and the other i met in my freshman year of college who dropped me for a romantic partner. i haven’t been able to find anyone since.
i have close friends, i even have people i might consider some of my best friends, but those people have their own best friend, and it’s not me. im not apart of a friend group, i mostly just bounce around from hangout to hangout. i interact with people a lot! im friends with a good number of people! i just. don’t have that one person that everyone else seems to.
i thought i had found a good group of girls that could maybe be a friend group since i don’t have one since moving back home. they were already friends, and i met them through a mutual friend that was also fairly new to the group. i was just scrolling on instagram today and i saw that there was a birthday party i wasn’t invited to that i just. had to find out through social media had happened. even the newer person was invited.
and maybe i had overinflated my position, or maybe i saw or felt something that wasn’t mutual, but after being invited to other gatherings and parties with the full group, it hurt! and then i started thinking about how they dont really talk to me outside of those hangouts. and there was a group chat they forgot to add me to (whether or not it was purposeful or not i don’t know). i thought maybe we would talk more as time went on, and ive tried to initiate those conversations, but. it’s never worked out.
and ik no one is obligated to hang out with me, ik no one is obligated to invite me to anything, especially since we haven’t known each other for a full year. but it just sucks bc like. im never anyone’s person. im no one��s best friend. people aren’t really jumping at the chance to be with me. i feel like the same lonely kid i always have been.
and it also just feels like. all for nothing? ive done so much work. i try really hard to be someone people like. i think im personable and nice and funny and people say i come off as confident. i dress nicely, i try to talk to people, i try to be supportive and there for others when they need to vent. ive changed so much. im no longer that shy awkward teen i once was, and thats great! i have my moments bc of social anxiety, but i have done a lot to be someone that people want to be around. and of course i have my flaws and things i try to work on but. it all just feels like it’s for nothing. bc im still that kid that doesn’t have a lunch table to sit at. and i feel like im letting myself down.
but even then i feel like it’s all fake. i don’t know where the real me ends and the mask begins. how much of me being a good person is me? how much of it is what i think other people want to see? i don’t know! but sometimes i think. that mask may slip, and i say something weird, or im a little too loud, or i get too excited and i talk too much, or i get too comfortable and i think someone may like me for me! and they don’t.
and ik the reaction to that may be “well you need to know yourself before you can be loved”. i don’t know if that’s ever going to happen! i truly don’t! ive been mentally ill and lonely my whole life. and they just. feed into each other. idk how to separate the loneliness from myself, I don’t know what it means to not feel like this. but does that mean i don’t deserve to love and be loved? aren’t there other people who have found connections and joy and love while being like me? what is it about me that is so repugnant? i try really hard, i genuinely do, i go to therapy and i only sometimes take my meds but i am genuinely really trying and i dont know why im not getting anywhere. but i want to be better, i really do! even with the depression, and the anxiety, and the bpd, i really do try.
i just want to be someone people genuinely truly like and want to be around. i want to meet people and have them think “wow i want to be her friend”. i want to not get dropped for other people. i want to be someone’s first choice. but im not. i want to have a group of people, and even just one, that i think of and who thinks of me when those silly memes of “me and the girls” pop up.
and sometimes i wonder if im just destined to be alone. it really sucks, but i wish some cosmic entiry or god or something would tell me that that’s just the way i am. and that i should just stop trying bc it’ll never matter anyway. it would make it hurt less. but there is no cosmic entity and there is no god and there is no here’s the life ive always dreamed of i will make it mine. it’s just being alone.
so im stuck. trying and failing and wondering what’s wrong with me. maybe im really not as great at being a person as i thought. maybe i am still just ugly and weird and it eventually shows. but i keep trying because thats all i know how to do. until the cosmic entity or god or whoever shows up and tells me to stop.
i really just want to run away a lot of the time. if i moved to some new city far away then i still wouldn’t have friends but i would have an excuse! but i can’t bc i don’t know how and im scared. im really scared that nothing will ever change and ill die alone. probably by my own hand if it gets much worse. but im scared of that too.
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T-T
also my bf is being weird again….!!!! everyy time i hang out with snow (which has been a month or two apart) he gets weird with me again!!! he acts cold and short with me and its always like the next day. he swears im gonna cheat or not want him anymore, no matter how much i tell him that i wont and that i love him too much to think about wanting to leave him. like, i feel secure in our relationship and theres only a few things that could make me feel like its not. when he gets all anxious like this about us i feel like its bc he just doesnt feel fully secure with the relationship.. even tho weve been together for 4.5YeaRs. hes also had way more dreams than he should be having of me breaking up or leaving him. bc of his anxiety and fear of being cheated!!! like he gets upset bc they feel real in his dream and then he thinks what if its trueee. i feel like thats not fair to me in a way bc im not doing anything bad behind his back or seeking out someone else to make me happy. i also think maybe him feeling insecure with himself plays a factor into it. like maybe he feels like no one wants to stay with him or i dont love him anymore and he doesnt feel good about himself and then ends up suffering in his thoughts alone and becomes a hermit crab. i didnt mention anything to his mood yesterday bc i didnt wanna pester him with more to think about and i wont be able to see him in person for like a wk. i just wanted to seem fine..but maybe ill say something today. yesterday when i was contemplating on talking about it, i was going to be like howve you been, are you okay, do you still love me. mostly the do you still love me question bc seriously. so im also thinking that he saw snows bday post on ig since theyre not private and saw how they posted my card&drawing i did for them and ofc that made him feel a type of way. like, why is she making good art for someone else. i did it bc they didnt even want me to buy a gift for them or treat them or anything. they suggested to make something bc they like to display art in their room from other friends who have given them art. like the two people who i met the other day, they both create digital art of people. but thats why i made that drawing. aaand im planning on painting something for my other friend for her xmas gift. so i dont see giving my art as like a romantic gesture or anything, its just another way to give a personalized gift and it saves money lol. like, i just wanna shout “you have nothing to worry about!” i mean they were literally gushing to me about a guy they started seeing and they went on their first date yesterday and texted me about it and im just replying like im their hypewoman. i feel like this whole thing is making it feel like his worst nightmare and it shouldnt beeeee
edit: 12.14 / alright so i asked him “do you still love me?” and he says, “well yeah, nothing has happened yet to make me think otherwise” ………YET….. YET?!? like why are you beingggg like thiss to meee
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vent
not to be all sad and shit bc i hate posting sad shit but vent
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sometimes i just hate being me idk, like last night my gran DIDNT tell me to wash the dishes and i wasnt feeling well like my mental health at the time was so shit so i was gonna go easy on myself and not wash them
and she hasnt been telling me to wash them lately bc ive just been doing it bc one, shes toxic and manipulative and she'll make me feel like shit
and thats what she did.
and i just feel this inconsolable guilt when i dont do something im supposed to but i cannot get myself to do it bc im just so TIRED why cant i go easy on myself why cant i just she just wash the dishes sometimes
and all night i didnt even sleep well bc i didnt wash the dishes and i saw her in bed this morning and she usually wakes up at the crack ass of dawn to drink her coffee and listen to church music and la la la and she didnt she was in the bed watching tv and she ALWAYS gets up so if she doesnt get up ik shes mad/i messed up
and im not even half awake and she goes "i see you didnt wash the dishes last night" and shes in the bed and she looks so depressed and im like GIRLLL i was so tired and i just feel like this bawl of anxiety bc i didnt wash them and i went to make myself breakfast, before i did that i obviously washed them bc i felt so inconsolably guilty for not washing them one time
even after washing them shes still mad at me and she went on a whole rant abt how im so lazy and shit when literally my mental health has been so fucking bad
and plus WHY CANT SHE WASH THE DISHES? ik shes like almost 80 and she uses this respect ur elders shit on me so i end up having 2 wash them i KNOW i should wash them for whatever reason it is bc im lazy and im horrible and im a trash person bc i literally BREATHE
and she makes dinner and i wash them thats the invisible 'deal' except the deal only works in HER BENIFIT hence manipulation, when i cook she also expects me to wash the dishes
like when i cook for myself i obv wash them bc I DIRTED THEM I WASH THEM
and she acts like bc i ate the food i have to wash them, by that logic you ate it too so like?
im just so ugh bro im so ugh shes been making me feel like shit all fucking morning bc of it and ive cried like 3 times bc i just wanted to rest bc i cant fucking vent to anyone bc ive been feeling like no one fucking cares abt me and i dont deserve to be amongst other humans bc im always the problem im always causing drama im always the horrible one im always playing victim ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.
and plus ive been dealing w this weird thing recently where like my mom shes like not here anymore but i look exactly like her we could be twins okok and my whole family loved and adored her and when she died they were obviously sad bc from what i heard she was a great person and im obv not against that and when she had a daughter they acted like all of their problems were solved HEY WE GET A SECOND ONE OF HER
when they discoverd i look walk talk act like her we have the same intrests
im literally her in a diff font
she was gay, i am also gay
she loved boybands, i love 1d
she wanted to be a nurse, i wanna be a labor and delivery nurse practitioner
she was kind and giving, i am also that
not to mention we basically look the same like i said before, i have a class for career prep bc i wanna be in the medical field and my mom used to work at a hospital and the scrubs we wore, were the same color... as the ones she used to wear
and since then anytime anyone in my family sees me they pull up that picture and laugh and laugh of how i look just like her
and i always get the feeling they dont love me (well obv bc they treat me like shit) but also i feel like they dont love ME for ME just her bc i look like her and im her daughter
and my crazy ass gran has said so she even calls me by my mothers name sometimes not MY NAME its like im not even a person i dont even have my own personality i just STOLE IT FROM HER
its like im a reincarnation of her and i cant help i like all the same things as her bc ig that just happend but sometimes i feel like i dont even have my own identity anymore no one even loves me for me im just sme hollow representation of what they loved before no one in my family actually loves me even if i didnt look like her
they'd cast me aside and call me crazy and weird if we didnt have similar lives they'd treat me like shit more than they already do if i didnt look like her, feels like the only purpose of them treating me with 1% respect is bc i have the face of someone they loved
but then i ask myself, why cant my face be a representation of someone you love? in a weird way... why cant when you look at me you think jamila, not lena
why?
because they dont like me, forever questioning why since i was like 8 my close family just finds me so disgusting and repulsive bc i dont conform to their thinking i dont conform to the typical 'woman' in my family
im not obedient and small, i dont put up with shit i dont deserve, i like diffrent things im still a fucking kid, im sensative to violence and i dont like watchin war movies where ppls arms get chopped off i dont like watching m*rder documentaries i dont like 'facing the facts' of the world and finding it entertaining
i rreally dont
i like princesses and fairys and barbie and winx and one direction and teenage mutant ninja turtles and adventure time and fantasy and glitter and pink and being called babygirl and princess im soft and i dont like those things
AND THEY HATE IT.
I DONT KNOW WHY and i hate that i get hated on bc i dont conform to this invisble checklist of what a woman is by my families standards
by my families standards a woman is obdedient and small and never questions anything shes submissive to her hUsbAnD and shuts up when he/her elders tell her to and do anything to please anyone else in the family bc shes 'well behaved'
and when she has kids, they better not act 'fast' have a personality, act like kids, they better be obdedient little monsters who sit and play quietly while the adults are tAlKiNg
who are EXCLUDED from ever being loved respected or accepted if they act any different
and i hate it.
ty for listening 2 my rant
im sorry it was so long
#vent#rant#jamila rambles#<- starting a tag ig#mooboo has a boo boo#sadness#not 1d?#me being annoying lmfao
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hoo okay I can already tell this is gonna be long but manga thoughts!! i only read up to roughly 150 I think (Also hi hi I’m off anon! anxiety has been overcome >D<)
quick lil context of me even getting into this also! so my roomie and I have a tradition of watching really bad animes during finals weeks and this time my rookie suggested we watched black butler 2 (still so funny it’s just 2 not season two not book of ___ no. just two. Peak comedy) first half of that was laughably bad and then like ep 7 onward it was frustratingly good. Some bizarre pacing some bizzare writing choices but I liked it overall. anyways over winter break out of nowhere I got manga spoilers on my tiktok for Agni’s death and. It emotionally devastated me bc I loved him sm bc of the like one ep in 2 where he appeared. i told my roomie that and we decided to like actually watch the good parts of the anime so I could get a taste of the actual plot (and eventually we watched s1 lmao)
so yeah that bit didn’t impact me as much when I actually read it but 😭 Agni I miss you dearly you’re like one of the only people I’d trust to hold my drink in this series I KNOW you would take care of it and not spill anything. Also, I read the entire (post campania) manga while procrastinating studying for my organic chemistry exam bc chemistry is a pain in the ass and I didn’t want to look at it
right um. Other arcs. so the school arc has some BIZARRE pacing- (and i never got used to the just casually dropping the F word even if it was used iba like historical context) I was half skimming some of the pages bc I thought it was gonna be basically a fluff filler arc so that end caught me off guard- deffo enjoyed the soma content though! i sure hope he stays happy and nothing awful happens to make him stop smiling! hahah fuck.
Emerald witch arc is kinda funny to me. like yeah, okay queen of England, send this 13 (14?? I forgor) year old child to a different country to deal with werewolves. this isn’t even ur country girly what. Wolf and miss sullivan (can’t spell her first name) r fun characters I like their addition a lot. Could’ve done without the uh. weird scenes with sullivan but. whatever. (The scenes with finny taking care of ciel also were so sweet Omg I will cry- finny is probably one of my top 5 charas I love himmmmm he scares me tho )
that being said I fuckcking RECOGNIZED that shit was chemicals as soon as I saw that circle thing oh my FuckKING GOD. I literally put down my phone and stopped reading for a good while. I’m reading this manga to procrastinate my ochem I did not need it to insert itself like that >:’(((( it was good though I liked the arc a a lot (my roommate fucking burst out laughing when she saw me being angy and asked why.)
Sascha and Walmart will (sorry sir you are just not memorable) were cute! Hope we get more content of them in the future, or just more reaper lore. Please. I’m going insane all I want is lore (Also my roomie had already told me abt the reaper backstory so that didn’t rlly surprise me). Will and grell showing up for like one chapter was funny as hell, you know will was pissed bc that whole convo could’ve totally been an email or a pigeon or whatever. i missed them though so im not complaining
Idk what to call the next arc. the return of the school guys was… funny ig?? i have to be honest I kinda disconnect whenever they appear I just don’t really care for them 😭 the whole band group off was so funny though and the tonal whiplash was something I was NOT prepared for. It wasn’t as jarring as the paving of the school arc but like hWUH THATS A LOT OF PLOT AND BIG REVEALS HAPPENING REALLY FAST NOW-
love othello though. I’m a forensics chemistry major and I love the forensics part of it significantly more than chemistry so seeing a funny guy doing that is so very !!! ya :D also love the dynamic with Grelle. they’re both trans and besties you can’t change my mind- ALSO OTHELLO JUST . THROWING HIS SCYTGE AND THEN BIDING BEHIND GRELLE. Love him. ronnies still my fav dont get me wrong I am endeared with his talk-shit-while-getting-his-ass-beat mentality but othello is very close behind
wish we had more reaper lore . I would kill to know these guys backstories- Ronald and sascha seem so much you her compared to their coworkers it eats at my brain. sascha especially like aaaaaa kid what happened for you to end up here :(? MAN (also I could fight abt the reaper lore for so long. they don’t deserve this. this shits unfair. AGH…
i had more stuff that I wanted to say but forgot. sorry if this isn’t very understandable i just wrote as I thought of things- basically. reapers my beloved . I’m begging for lore please . soma my king I hope you’re okay. when will Ronald come back PLEASE he’s been gone since like campania 😭
BRO ROOMMATE ANON REVEAL!! i hope you dont mind me still using the roommate anon tag,,
agnis death def threw me off. i wasnt expecting yana to kill him off, especially after having him around for so long. that whole scene was very surprising. and yes i agree with you!! hes probably the most wholesome character in black butler next to some others like the phantomhive servants and soma.
i actually quite liked the school arc(and a lot of people in the fandom would agree w me)! but i get how you wouldnt. i personally was only mostly focusing since i just wanted to get back to grelle T^T.
i didnt really like emerald witch at first. i was mad when it had the honor of being the 100th chapter. but its grown on me since(n yeah those scenes were weird..).
i LOOOOVEEE SASCHA!!!!!! THEYRE SO CUTEEEEE X33333 they remind me of my best friend since they both have that same cheery vibe. like little guy is just making the best out of their afterlie and havin some genuine fun. i fw it. grelles outfit was also sooo hot in that chapter gaw dayum. i want a piece of that reaper PLEASE
you can call the return of the school guys the boy band arc. it was weird but i really enjoyed it.
i find it funny how everyone automatically says that othello is trans. one look at the silly science man provokes the Feeling.
trust me man, everyone wants more reaper lore. i am clawing at yanas feet and begging her to tell me what in the ever living fuck happened to grelle in her time as a human. WHAT THE FUCK KINDA LIVES DID THEY LIVE. WHAT DROVE THEM TO SUICIDE.
i understood everything you wrote, dw!! :3 im hoping soma is ok as well </3
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lore dump tres
ylva doesn’t have a porcelain bodyguard that’s been raised to serve as her right hand since birth bc fenrir didn’t want to
he’s very grateful to have duško around himself, don’t get him wrong, dude’s exceptionally talented and dedicated but to the point where it becomes creepy, and it’s only because he got reassigned to fenrir that they don’t have the type of symbiotic relationship the ruler and their bodyguard usually has
fenrir watched duško literally not eat, sleep nor move from gandr’s bedside for days leading up to his death and almost withered away himself, genuinely worried if he should die now too because of his failure/him now being useless with nothing to protect and fenrir thought thats weird n creepy i don’t want to take part in a culture that raises children to think of themselves that way. (fenrir and duško do have that in common, feeling expendable and unwanted and like failures, and unfortunately also the self-destructive ideation) sure ylva has a bodyguard who’s very talented but they’re also her friend and have their own life and all. better that way
it was a controversial decision to not get her a porcelain bodyguard, their most prestigious families were practically getting pregnant and preparing babies to be shipped off to her as soon as merope’s pregnancy was announced, just for fenrir to be like um no thanks. however thanks to the fairly recent scandal of vasili (neighbour kingdom’s crown prince’s own bodyguard) getting married to his liege it caused a bit less hubbub than it normally would have.
fenrir and duško are fairly close mainly bc they’re both introverts and don’t bother each other, but there’s the unusual dynamic of duško at times holding power over fenrir: duško is older and has known fenrir since he was a small baby, and there is that remnant of fenrir thinking of duško as “big brother’s cool friend” that knew cool tricks. especially in the beginning fenrir did often lean on duško for comfort and still relies on him to get him out of anxiety-inducing situations, and also holds his opinion in very high regard
this is also bc duško and gandr were so grown together and duško could basically read gandr’s thoughts from a flick of a finger, there is a LOT of gandr in him that fenrir still sees. so the love for gandr that fenrir had and still has kinda has moved over to duško - my brother trusted you, i trust you. but on the flipside duško has a lot of mannerisms and speech patterns he picked up from gandr because they didn’t spend a single day apart for like 20 years that make fenrir sad and in the beginning gave him a lot of anxiety because he was still grieving gandr and it hurt to hear duško talk like he did. like my brother is gone but his ghost still lingers in his shadow or something something. its a comfort and an anxiety at the same time
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fenrir and siðar get along surprisingly well despite their initial meeting which started with siðar (in his 40′s) barely issuing a challenge and fenrir (about 21) wiping the floor with his face and breaking his nose, though they dont meet very often with siðar being away on the seas for the majority of the time. he does try to visit a few times a year and usually him and fenrir go fishing or something to catch up
they get along mainly bc theyre very similar in personality, dry, sarcastic, easily annoyed, straightforward and foul-mouthed little shits - siðar feels really bad for fenrir after learning of his story, wow our dad was a shithead, huh. well, considering siðar never even met him it makes sense. does feel really bad for fenrir when he realized the pressure he’s under and the mold he was forced into after first being rejected so harshly. also they’re both horse girls and siðar has his kelpie he shows up on and fenrir thinks its the coolest
he doesnt have kids of his own, a partner or two maybe i dont know yet, he just chills and sails, makes fenrir feel a bit better bc siðar is 20 years his senior but isnt like a super mega rich successful guy so it helps fenrir calm down like maybe i’m not lagging behind actually. maybe its okay to not achieve absolutely everything or have everything figured out before youre 25.
bc he visits kinda rarely and doesnt stay for too long hes mainly buds with fenrir but merope likes him too (but we know she has a thing for rabble rousers), of the kids ylva enjoys his travel stories and alex has thought he’s the coolest thing since sliced bread since he was a little toddler. siðar has brought him shark teeth and egg casings and fish scales and all sorts of things and alex is still so hype when uncle shows up. nepheli thinks he’s quite scary and siðar is okay with not handling such a tinysmall toddler for now.
him and helle also get along, used to spar when younger and now that helle cant do that anymore they usually just sit and chat, siðar has gotten a bunch of information about his dad and stepmom and also gandr from helle when fenrir got too anxious and sad to talk about them. has offered his baby siblings to go kick their moms ass (was also pretty disgusted to do the math that his stepmom is the same age as himself, what the fug) but they said nah don’t bother. helle is also a fan of his horse she thinks its awesome
duško doesn’t like him much but is cordial as he is with everything. siðar does like his dogs but isnt allowed to pet because they’re “at work” as if the fox does anything remotely useful
so if fenrir is now in his 50s, siðar is in his 70′s so hes an old man, but very spry for his age. looks great too. the salty sea air has been kind to him
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merope almost got whiplash when on her honeymoon bc as soon as fenrir got out of court and from under so many eyes and they didnt communicate by writing (which he famously sucks ass at and had all his letters proofread so he didnt dare to be himself in them) the man was... relaxed? attentive?? funny, even??? downright cute????
anyway she fell in love hard with him there and ditched her plans of maybe annulling the marriage and running back home and the rest is history. sometimes sad history but hey
#anyway whatever#thoughts rumbling around my head and if i dont let them out i will get sick#royaltines#i did get my candy. and chippies
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heyy sarah! (It’s a question about social interaction)
you know anti hero? I’m the problem it’s me? since this song came out I started having some self analysis and I realized that most of my social anxiety comes to the fact that when I talk most people tend to ignore me. I’m not saying anything bad, negative or mean, I’m just keeping the conversation but somehow when I talk I tend to be ignored.
And today happened something quite like a last straw, we were in a group and everybody was talking about how one piece of the furniture was missing and how it probably got lost in the moving and I said “it’s here, the pieces are here” and everybody ignored so I said again, louder ignored. I said one last time after a while, ignored. That was so weird. And they kept talking about how it was a shame having to buy everything again and then I think I snapped :/and said “why are you ignoring me? The pieces are here” and then instead of acknowledging it, they changed the subject. I felt like I was nothing.
And I know that it’s something in me, you know? Bc it’s really common to people ignore me, it happened in my family, at school and more. People easily talk over me and more. I try really hard to participate, to be positive, be understanding but there’s something I’m not seeing and I want to get better, could you share your thoughts? Appreciate it 🙏
go im so sorry this is something that happens so often to you that it's just not surprising anymore. sadly, as a pretty quiet person irl, this also happens to me too so i know how you feel.
firstly, those people are assholes. i get not hearing someone the first time- but you saying it multiple times to the point that they brought you to the point where you had to 'snap' (which was warranted btw they deserve it) in the first place is so fucked up. and then they just changed the subject is just blatant disrespect.
and i feel like the common advice for this situation is something like 'command the room! be more confident in yourself! be an extrovert!' but i hate that. i love being quiet. i love just watching people and being content in silence and minding my business. you shouldn't have to change yourself to earn peoples respect- you shouldnt have to earn peoples respect period. they should just respect you on human level automatically. none of this is your fault, it's theres because they are actively choosing to ignore you and thats fucked. inner confidence is important and you should have that no matter what- don't be afraid to say what you want to say and be sure to give them no reason to ignore you by speaking clearly (not under your breath like i know i tend to do) and if they still ignore you, that's not on you it's on them and im sorry you have to deal with people like that. continue to snap on them when they do it- call them out on it because they're the ones choosing to do it in the first place.
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I've been questioning if im autistic
big sensory problems seriously
i like vegetables but i cant stand the tastes of some of them and textures. i mean i eat it but there's certain THRESHOLDS that i just can't, im about to puke, im sorry. it tastes good but idk why my body is rejecting it
i cant stand STRONG TASTES and STRONG SMELLS. But apparently I smell some things stronger than others???? like i can smell pee in some places where others dont lol (its the bathroom of course i smell the pee) and then it sticks to my nose bc of the particles that got stuck on my mask (as in anti COVID-19 mask not masking) so i had to swap masks but everyone else seemed fine
cant stand cold food lol do i just have stomach problem
cant stand perfumes or efficascent oil
cant stand sounds that people dont even think are loud tbh but its mostly because I'm scared of damaging my ears
its really hard to sleep without ear plugs but i think i just got used to it after sleeping near someone snoring.
touching certain textures is fine I'm just mildly germaphobic so if i touch something that feeels like it has like, idk, germs??? but im not scared of getting sick??? idk microorganisms scare me even though i know theyre everywhere
i cant stand the smells of some masks which other people dont notice (like, the insides)
but there's some things im dull at tasting or smelling
motion sickness dude... my whole life dude. and travel lag for hours
feel pressured to act normal but sometimes i just wanna let go maybe its social anxiety
cant speak/can barely speak idk if its enough to count as nonverbal during mornings but its so hard
its hard to respond when so many things are going at once
bad sense of direction because its hard to remember locations because of so many things around at once
triggered when some random person touches me but i just have boundaries
i dont really stim unless im excited. i dont rock back and forth for self soothing, or maybe i do??? idk i move sideways sometimes. i cant sit still i think HAHHAA when i discovered it was a thing though, shaking things off is pretty neat ow my ankle jk
iii do get the urge to just verbalize random shit fidget in certain ways but i dont really do it
i mean i do fidget but when I'm nervous
i do mimic things and basically built my identity by chipping things off from characters since I've been so confused about who i really am and that's the most accessible way of expressing and experimenting about it
some synthetic sounds or just music honestly hurt my ears. i dont know why. these things arent being complained about by other people. it makes composing and appreciating music hard.
ive never really parroted things randomly when i was a kid i think or llike older or something. i guess i did when i was like 3 until yeah
i dont really relate to the special interests thing though. might be important to have. actually maybe its art, music, writing. but growing up ive been kinda a stubborn person who didn't really wanna learn from anyone and just did things on my own. butt once i realized i would greatly benefit from learning i cant stand a day where i dont learn or improve IM JUST A PERFECTIONIST MAYBE but i dont really talk about them thaaaat much i dont really talk about anything much i dont really have much to say unless people are asking me for information
Ive been considered weird by peers before. when i was in grade 1 i tried writing a book in a small tiny book. it was a self help book. and then my classmates wrote "you're crazy" in the pages and tHATS WHEN I LEARNED TO USE EMOTIONAL WARFARE AND CRY IN CLASS TO GET WHAT I WANT MOTHERFUCKER -
I've always been so confused about socializing and why people seemed to know more about it than me but i realized afterwards that it's really just an art, there's no hard and fast rules besides not truly being a douchebag, and people just do whatever
i guess another thing that could be considered a special interest is my unstoppable urge of asking people about themselves, I'm really curious about others but have no idea how to talk about myself lol (i mean its stoppable i dont wanna look weird but i do wanna prod people so much)
i really wanna learn more about psychoanalyzing people but i hate Sigmund Freuds work HAHAHAHAHA
if it was more accessible maybe id be more nerdy about i
reading books is hard man...
ARTIFICIAL/SYNTHETIC FLAVORS. ARTIFICIAL/SYNTHETIC SMELLS i cannot stress this enough. i cant stand the combination of chocolate and milk sometimes, i cant stand the taste of whey protein sometimes when it has chocolate and milk as its flavoring
i think this is neurotypical as well but my senses get dulled sometimes when im focused on something else then later when i break focus all the sounds return. i guess yeah that makes sense but like it feels like i dont even process them subconsciously the info just gets thrown away HAHAHAHA
cant sleep when something is touching my neck even if its just my clothigny
when im already affected by motion sickness all of my senses get worse i guess thats normal
are my talking patterns weird <- my thoughts almost always
on the flip side, despite my interest in people, there's also me not understanding people and fictional characters *some emotions or recognizing them until i read or watch analyses or meta posts (thats why I love them)
i mean getting diagnosed is incredibly terrible Because People Will Make Your Life Worse and judge you for it with stigmas but heyyy at least i can get an excuse from my family why i dont wanna eat those *specific* vegetables please i beg i feel bad for the veggies whenever i want to vomit them
so yeah since i cant get diagnosed might as well ask actual neurodivergent people on tumblr
maybe i should just blender them into a nice textureless juice if i want my fill NUTRIENTS BABY without the near vomit experience!
wonder if any neuro divergent peeps out there relate or if im neurotypical but i really just do have problems with textures and tastes
#questioning autistim#autism#personal#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#I just wanna know if im not alone with these
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tbh as a transman like i don't mind reader inserts having certain genitalia? like as long as its disclosed somewhere bc reading it without some kind of tag can be a lil jarring. but like i prefer male readers but i understand a lot of people don't or they aren't male and feel weird imagining themselves as masculine. also sometimes its kinda nice because it lets me imagine that the character i love can see my body, a body that im ashamed of and i dislike and still love and desire me.
and now heres a list of terms transmen use for their downstairs thats less "gendered". even though i don't mind the having a vagina part seeing words like "clit" kinda does make me feel dysphoric.
- slit
- hole
- nub (for clit)
- button (also for clit)
- lower mouth
- i cannot properly explain to you why but cunt
- if you're writing trans male readers boycunt or boy pussy also works
- again for trans male readers specifically using words like cocklet, t-dick (even if your reader isnt on testosterone it feels validating), cock
- bonus hole
just a note I've noticed some trans guys are comfortable with words like womb and cervix? so don't cross that out of your vocabulary completely. idk if this is even helpful but i want reader inserts to be more accessible to people or even just more people to write trans male reader inserts!
if you or any of your followers have more questions ill get off anon and answer them in the lil messenger too
Thanks for reaching out with so much information and insight!
I have written for trans!characters/oc before and my commissioners were very clear and open about what they like and want, so I actually knew about a lot of those words already :D There are definitely options, and some are actually really cute imo, but to write completely genderneutral (which was the original issue) so that no one is left out, there are a lot of cuts to make regardless if some people are okay with varieties or the like. Everyone is okay with different things, and while that's completely valid, it just doesn't make it easier to serve everyone (':
It would help a lot if requesters could just add what kind of downstairs area they want/are comfortable with, because if there's no indication, I'll, of course, steer towards what is most comfortable for me. But as I always say, you can't tell people what to do anyway, so I don't bother advertising it much, but it would be good teamwork if requests were more specific. Some of your suggestions are very common I'd say, but like "lower mouth" I know is something people frown upon a bit so while it's good for you, it might not be for others and then those get offended again. That's how it always was and always will be. I am a huge overthinker and I research this topic every time I write smut, and most information sites agree there are some words that just ruin the mood and that just spikes my anxiety in return. Of course I can't please everyone but well, I try.
But thanks for your kind offer and ask! You stay awesome and I am sure there will always be some content that will suit one individual or another ^^
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you've probably talked about this several times before but like. would it really be so bad if the scions found out about emetkoto tbh? or like... the context of when they find out u know?? likw if it's post shb or post end
i actually dont think i have touched on this TOO much interestingly enough :0c ty for this opportunity LOL
shadowrbingers/endwalker spoilers? kinda? theyre all kinda vague but theyre there
i think that in reality its almost definitely WAY worse in his head than it would actually be, a lot of it is just his anxiety!
he worries that they will immediately jump to "oh so youve chosen to side with the enemy?" and start shunning him and treating him cruelly, but that's not really the part that bothers him its the thought of them doing all that and emet-selch seeing it and deciding "hm you people (and by extension mankind) fucking suck actually" and giving up on his whole "cooperation" thing and just ditching k'oto entirely (again. completely in his head. emet-selch would be amused if anything or use it to help pull k'oto to his cause which would work so very easily)…k'oto in general sees their whole thing as a lot more fragile than it is in the earlier stages mostly bc of the way emet-selch would sometimes recoil in disgust/anger/annoyance when k'oto would try to show more genuine affection and just up and vanish sometimes literally in the middle of sex (this specifically stopped pretty fast but the few times it did happen it was Extremely Jarring and it continued with other quiet moments of intimacy/dates) and that was like so much to focus on he never really stopped to think about how despite that, emet-selch always came back the next night, even if he wasnt called for!!! there was a lot more wiggle room than k'oto could see or believed was there so these kinds of anxieties were common until emet stopped doing the whole leaving thing and he realized 'oh…he isnt running away i can take some chances!!'
but the biggest thing. the BIGGEST thing that made k'oto fear not just for his friendships but his like, life sometimes legitimately thinking about it was thancred! he has had terrible experiences with ascians nonstop and is rather aggressive when interacting with or discussing them and that combined with the fact he was not in a very good place in shb left k'oto feeling like 'hm. if i told him i was sleeping with an ascian even without implying i might have feelings for him he will literally beat me to death in the street' regardless of how maybe kind of unrealistic that was (partially. he would beat his ass at least a little)!
ofc there was one scion who he did tell (at least a little bit), yshtola! well it was less that he told her willingly and more that she called him out on his aether being stained with glaringly obvious and familiar dark patches (and a weird sort of tendril around his soul which neither of them knew was emet selch literally holding the light back gently to give k'oto the best chance possible at succeeding) and he had to kinda be like 'yeah ok im banging him but thats all im willing to tell you' and even though she could kinda tell he was keeping something to himself she didn't pry because he seemed like he had it under control and its not like the staining was going to like corrupt him or anything so it seemed fine to just let it be and keep an eye on him so thats what she did! by the end of shb she. pretty much knew. obviously k'oto was in no condition to talk about it but when he asked her to check his aether again after recovering physically from his fight against emet-selch she had a pretty good idea of what he was hoping for her to see (confirming there was still aether from emet-selch left over on his soun)! i think they probably sat down together a few times between her first confronting him and then. she'd invite him for tea and ask him if "everything" was well and he'd know what she was getting at and give her a vague answer that'd satisfy her and make him feel understood….since she was the only one who had any idea about any of it when she went down with vauthry she was immediately like oh fuck thats not good and when they all caught him trying to get to the tempest and urianger and thancred started discussing the white auracite she had to be like HEY GUYS NOT RIGHT NOW ACTUALLY bc she could see k'oto was Doubling Over In Agony At The Thought And That Was Very Bad Since He Was Very Full Of Light!!!!
anyway that was a tangent but even though it went well with her he still struggled with the idea of telling anyone else, even g'raha and estinien when he got back home with them (g'rahas. troubled past with emet-selch didnt help that) so they had to help him through the worst of his no good depression arc without even really understanding what was going on???? g'raha had looked in on emetkoto once or twice with his mirror thing but after emet-selch called him out on it and joked about telling k'oto he stopped doing that so the most he knew was that they were fucking and that emet-selch visited k'oto while he slept sometimes but estinien was just no thoughts head empty as usual he'd have to smack k'oto awake from the worst nightmares he'd ever seen him having and repeatedly ask him what was wrong and if he would just talk to them about it and have to hear "no not yet" "im not ready" over and over again for all of the shb post patches and most of endwalker and it was. a bit frustrating not being able to help him at all!!! but he and g'raha did their best and just hoped and prayed that one day he'd finally be willing to tell them,,,,
this was so many disjointed thoughts but lets reel it back in! it wasn't until the end of 6.0, after elpis and UT and everything…right before the gang split up to go their separate ways k'oto asked everyone if they'd sit down for a bit and talk with him about something. after UT everyone had kinda put the pieces together since the two had literally made outa nd confessed their love in front of everyone and made a gay little promise to meet again in the next life but they were all kind of. nervous and hesitant about it? they felt bad that k'oto had thought he needed to keep it to himself all this time and suffer in silence and that none of them could help him so they were all kinda mmmmmmmm but y'shtola stepped up and sat down as a show of solidarity and to let everyone else know that it was ok!! and after that everyone else was willing to hear him out too :,) so he told them the story from beginning to end and it was nice!!! it was exactly what he needed and everyone was happy to help him get his closure!!! they laughed and cried with him and it was just an overall great way to reinforce their bonds before splitting up for a year (the time i hc between the end of 6.0 and 6.1)
i hope this answers your question ireally did go off in a million directions i ahve so many thoughts as you can see :)
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Do you still do matchup? Can i get a matchup please this is my first time to do it😅
My name is Gueen, im 19 yrs old, Im an Enfp, i clean and eat(obviously) i draw and i always talk non-stop Im a Filipino and speak English, Tagalog, Bisaya and people see me as a Funny person, I do fanfic but lazy to do it bc i dont have any ideas, Im actually pretty quiet at first but when i talk to people i get weird, i have anxiety and haves anger issues but im kind to anybody thats treat me the same, I have a not really long black hair, And Brown eyes, im 5'3 and i have a (kinda) hourglass body and Wears a jacket outside and wears a oversized t-shirt in our house, im not smart and im not dump either, and im kinda Mischievous, i like going on a adventure, i dont like strict schedule and doing multi task, im a free spirit person, and my fav color is Green and black and pastels, i dont like short conversation, i like martial arts and i do martial arts, my hobby is to talk to anyone, im not good at comforting but i just hug anyone that who need comfort and when they are insecure, and im also insecure hehe
Thats all! Sorry if its so Weird💀 And do it in Avengers please😅 thank you!!
Kate
Kate would love a talker, just you two hanging out after a long tiring night
I see her asking you to teach her some simply phrases in filipino
She’s used to social events so she’ll do you the pleasure of leading conversation with strangers while you stand there
She would definitely bring her dog to your house and you two can have movie & pizza dates
Promises to take you on one of her little missions with Clint but you have to promise not to do something crazy
Green blankets, green mugs anything green and cute she will get it for you
You two can train together, she could use the extra combat training
Forehead kisses for you sweetie and calls you beautiful
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