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stray-kids-react · 3 years

Text

Having surgery scars

Masterlist

...

Bang Chan

° You had no idea about Chan's crush on you, not many people did. The only person who knew about his crush was himself and his best friend Felix. You never thought he could love you due to how you saw yourself.

° You never wore cropped tops or anything that had the chance of rising up too high, even during the summer. He knew about your scar, but never saw it or knew how much you hated it.

° One day he was going to visit you by surprise, using the spare key you gave him to his advantage. You walked out in a cropped pajama shirt and underwear, not expecting your best friend/crush to be in the room.

° You scar was on your stomach, it was deep and noticeable to whoever walked by when itt wasn't hidden under clothes. You thought it gave off a negative impression, while Chan thought it gave you a unique beauty.

° Before you could cover yourself up, Chan gently embraced you in a hug. Calming your conscious, his fingers gently tracing over the scar. He placed multiple kisses to your head, asking you why you are so self conscious.

"Why can't you see how beautiful you are?"

Lee Know

° You were very clumsy all throughout your life, constantly falling and running into things. But the worst scenario bad to be when you fell and someone kicked you straight in the face.

° This led to you having to get surgery on your broken nose, leaving a scar on the right side of your bridge. It wasn't overly noticeable unless you were very close to your face, which Minho happened to be.

° He wondered how he never noticed this scar before, especially since he loves giving you kisses on the top of your nose. He knew you were clumsy, but wondered how your only scars ended up in such a specific place.

° Minho gently traced over the scars, finding it cute how you scrunch your nose immediately at the touch of his fingertips. Before you scrunched your nose, he noticed that your nose must've been stitched.

° He assumed you did this by accident, by either falling or hitting your face with something. Minho was surprised to hear that someone did this to you intentionally, wondering why someone would hurt you.

"I'm losing hope in humanity at this point."

Changbin

° You has multiple scars on your arms due to an accident you had as a child, this is why you'd constantly wear long sleeve outfits. Feeling that people may become worried or grossed out if they ever saw them.

° But after being asked out by Changbin, you knew you couldn't hide your scars from him for too much longer. He didn't seem suspicious of your long sleeves, until you spent your first summer together.

° You were both sweaty messes who were slumped in front of multiple fans, he was just in his boxers while you had no pants but still your long sleeve shirt. You were turning red by how hot you were becoming.

° He looked at you astonished as how you hadn't passed out from the heat yet, but Changbin was mostly worried since he knew it wouldn't be long til you hit that point. So he moved the fan closer to you.

° You had enough of the heat, telling him to look away as you took of your shirt. Turning your back to him once you said it was okay to look. Changbin noticed your arms even if you tried to hide them, they were gorgeous.

"You will always be a super model to me."

Hyunjin

° You had a few scars on your neck, and you were embarrassed to admit where they came from. Even if you were close to Hyunjin and loved him dearly, you still felt silly admitting it came from a drunk bar fight.

° Hyunjin was curious to where the scars came from, but didn't want to pressure you into telling him in case it was from something traumatic. So instead he would just press soft kisses along the scars.

° You felt bad when he admitted ab embarrassing story of his to you, since he was revealing a moment that stuck with him in a bad way. Yet you were still hiding your scar story from him as he waited patiently.

° His puppy eyes and sweet smile made its mark on your heart, the story leaving your mouth hesitantly. You couldn't look him in the eyes, your cheeks were bright red from embarrassment. You felt stupid.

° He stroked your heated cheeks, turning your head so you'd make eye contact. All of your worries washed away when there wasn't a hint of judgement in his eyes. Only pure love and adoration were held in them.

"I won't judge a simple drunken accident."

Han

° You had scars all over your hands from a burning accident with a kettle, you were self conscious of your hands. But tried to hide those feelings when around other people, not wanting to make them worried.

° But your best friend Jisung noticed when something bothered you, your shimmering eyes would dimmer whenever someone would give you nicknames like 'Freddy Kruger' or 'The human torch'.

° Jisung loved you, even if you were too dense to catch onto that fact. He loves you and wouldn't let someone make you feel like garbage, which led to him defending you countless times throughout the years.

° You had this one fake friend that always rubbed him the wrong way, she would go out of her way to make fun of you and praise herself. Calling you ugly, and getting grossed out whenever you touched something.

° During a game of truth or dare, she dared anyone in the room to hold hands with you. No one was stepping forward, until Jisung crawled over. He didn't just hold them, but he also placed kisses along your knuckles.

"I would've done this without the dare."

Felix

° You were never self conscious over the scars on your legs, if anything Felix usually had more self doubt moments about himself than you did about yourself. Which led to you giving this angel SO MUCH LOVE. (He deserves the world ngl)

° But when visiting Felix back stage, a make up artist mistook you as an idol and suggested finding something to cover your scars. This left an unfamiliar sting to your heart, never thinking it was an issue.

° You say in one of the chairs back stage, placing your coat over your legs as you awaited your boyfriend. It wasn't long before Stray Kids were ushered to where you were sitting, all of them hyped and energetic.

° Felix knew you well, immediately suspicious as to why you were hiding your legs. He had many scenarios in his head, you were cold, period problem, hiding a present, no underwear. His mind was racing.

° But when he saw your sad smile, he knew it had something to do with your scars. Someone must've said something insensitive, and they hurt his favorite person. This wasn't the first time this happened.

"Don't hide your beauty from me, lovely."

Seungmin

° Seungmin witnessed how you got a scar on your back, you were running to catch the bus when you tripped over your feet and rammed into the glass of the bus station waiting area. Causing many gashes to appear.

° He rushed you to the hospital, watched the stitches and bandages go on, helped you up from the bed, helped you go to sleep, gave you medication for the pain. He made sure you were in perfect condition.

° Seungmin felt terrible that you got so severely injured, even though he couldn't do anything to prevent it from happening. He still felt guilty, even when you reassured him that it will be okay and will just leave scars.

° Scars were left on your back, and everytime he witnessed them he felt a slight ping to his heart. Wishing he could've done something to help you, but he doesn't want to relive that moment so he tries to ignore it.

° You asked Seungmin for a massage after a long day, laying down on the couch as he sat on top of your legs. His hands traced down your scars, rubbing the oils onto them gently as if they still hurt you.

"You look like a cute little tiger cub."

Jeongin

° You sometimes forgot that you had scars on your thighs, only remembering them if you see them. They don't effect you in any way, especially since they came form a bike accident when you were very young.

° You and Jeongin both had long days at work, so you both wanted to have a relaxing bath together. This was one of the moments where you forgot about your scars, until Jeongin pointed them out.

° He was worried they were recent, concerned if someone did this or if you did it to yourself. But you calmed him down with a kiss, before explaining it was from an accident with a bike when you very young.

° Jeongin covered you in bubbles, before cupping water in his hands and washing them away. He started around your thighs, rubbing them lightly after they were washed off. He felt a bit bad for bringing them up.

° You did the same treatment for Jeongin, relaxing in his arms for a while until the water was beginning to cool. He dried you off, playfully whipping your thighs with the towel, giggling as you stared in shock.

"It's part of my drying treatment baby."

#stray kids #kpop #changbin #skz scenarios #stray kids reactions #han jisung #hyunjin #jeongin #lee know #bang chan #felix skz #skz seungmin #skz requests #skz reactions

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hxneydreamers · 3 years

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Hi! You really look like someone who truly lives by the law and if you wanted you could literally manifest the craziest of things, even things that defy the laws of nature and physics and I'm wondering how do you personally view life and existence if you can have everything now with just an assumption? If you are so above everything in the universe? Doesn't this make you feel lonely? Don't your desires feel meaningless? I'm always moved by great stories (most of which have something tragic or sad or bittersweet) and I love being moved by such things and I ultimately want my life to be a good meaningful beautiful story and my fear is that by buying the pearl of great price I'll have to give up on all that so now I find myself almost completely uninterested in my ideal life and I can't bring myself to visualise because I wouldn't feel a thing (btw do you think this will make the manifestation easier or harder?) but I still know deep down that I couldn't accept anything from life other than that perfect ideal I have for myself even though I sorta feel like cheating like... can I call this kind of experience authentic? Share some wisdom ma'am please. Can you also share some films or books or anything that inspired your idea of perfect life if you feel like it?

Hey! You make such an interesting and excellent point! Thanks so much for having such faith in me, hahah, it's extremely flattering!

I honestly have a pretty simple answer for you! Whilst I'm well aware of the law and how things operate and that I am the god of my reality, I am still human. We all are. That's what makes life so beautiful, colourful, and emotionally rich. I believe that the process of manifestation and conscious creation for many people is actually one of the most transformative and emotionally charged human experiences anyone could have, because they face their fears, overcome them, persist and stay determined, and ultimately win the best prize of all - and the prize is not just a material thing or a specific person - the best prize of all is happiness, contentment, and self-love.

I only consciously manifest in areas of my life that I feel have unfolded negatively as a result of low self-worth. The law has taught me that these things are a reflection of the way I treat myself and talk to myself and think about myself. The law has taught me that I should not let my happiness depend on a thing or another person, my happiness should come from within myself.

Our human experiences, the good and the bad, are what shape us as people, and I think that finding the law after we've experienced the ups and downs that human existence has to offer, can be really empowering. Yes, learning about the law helps us take control over our lives and create a happy and abundant life with our specific people, money, the right career, etc, but what I think the biggest thing that the law gives us is the lesson that we need to love ourselves and empower ourselves more.

I don't view life and my desires as meaningless. Just because you are the god of your reality and you have the power to shift into a new reality doesn't mean that the people around you are operating like robots. They are real people and they have thoughts and feelings. You aren't changing anyone or anything around you when you manifest, you are changing yourself and moving into another reality where the people and things around you reflect your new state of being.

The law of assumption has taught me how to speak lovingly to myself and get out of bad habits that ultimately diminish my power and worth. It has taught me to transform myself and my overall love and appreciation for myself so that I can be the best version of myself that I can be.

I personally don't subscribe to any particular religion, but I believe that somehow we were all put on this earth to have a human experience, but we are all one - part of the 'god' source, whatever that is. We all are gods and we all have the power to create the lives we want, but we are here to have desires, to feel all the emotions that come with it, and to experience life's ups and downs, overcoming them and learning from them. I don't know why, but we are all here, and we may as well make the most of it while we are. If we can learn to love ourselves fully and treat ourselves with kindness, we can experience the most lovely parts of life and live in realities where we are surrounded by a reflection of these amazing things.

Let's be real, just because I understand the law of assumption well, doesn't mean that I'm bothered to apply it to every part of my life. Who wants to have to affirm for everything in their life? With most things, I just sit back and enjoy the ride. If there is something negative in my life, I don't let it bother me because I know who I am and I know my worth. If something REALLY bothers me, then I know it's coming from an issue that I have within myself. If anything, it makes me look within and figure out what it is that is causing this.

Even when you know how to use the law of assumption to your advantage, life is still an adventure, and events still impact you emotionally and physically. Sometimes things pop up or happen in your world that come from some deep assumption you didn't even know you had. Life with the law of assumption is a journey of constantly learning about yourself on a deeper level and evolving, and to me, that is so awesome!

When you see people that have successfully manifested their desires, the story doesn't stop there! The new chapter of their lives begins following this, where they get to experience happiness, success, and everything that comes with it! Just because we have the power to change something if we can put our mind to it, doesn't mean that the things we experience aren't extremely real. They feel real, don't they?

Just because the 3D is a reflection of our imaginations, doesn't mean that the experiences we have aren't real. If imagination is reality, and the 3D is a projection of it, then that means that if we have thought of something and it is brought to life, then it is real on some level. We just have the power to place focus on what we want to stay and ignore what we want to go if we decide to.

Even though we manifest things, doesn't mean we don't feel the full weight of their reality. That's human existence. You can still feel your skin, right? You can still feel it when someone kisses or hugs you, right? So it is real to you. If you experience something that you wish you hadn't, you simply have the power to change it, doesn't mean you didn't experience it before, otherwise, where would the desire to change it come from?

Honestly, I can't think of any movies or shows specifically that have taught me anything about the 'perfect life', because everyone's idea of that is different. However, for manifesting and creation, I would recommend Neville Goddard's books. I have his complete reader, which I recommend, as well as Dr Joe Dispenza's books 'Becoming Supernatural' and 'Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself'.

In answer to your question about whether or not that perspective makes it easier or harder to manifest, it depends on what you believe, honestly. I would say that it if anything would make it easier for you to reduce resistance towards things if you truly feel and think that way. However, I encourage you to continue to feel life and to live it fully! The law simply means that things in your life reflect your inner world, and that should be the most real thing to you ever!

Don't let the knowledge of the law taint your view on life and the validity of your emotions and experiences. I, for example, know that the law is real, but I still feel every day and I still have doubts and negative moments in my life. I feel everything so real that sometimes it's too much. The law doesn't mean I won't ever experience hiccups and regular life moments again, it is very likely that I will, because I AM human, and humans naturally develop a mixture of emotions in various aspects of life. It just means that I'm on the journey of life and continuing to overcome these things, just like any other person. You can use the law to make it easier to do this, or harder.

The law is simply a reminder to stay in the state of loving myself and staying in my power so that overall I continue to experience true happiness, because that's ultimately what we all want, right? To be happy and to live in peace.

I hope I've somewhat answered your question and not just rambled on, talking nonsense hahah!

I appreciate the question because you got me really thinking.

All my love x

#manifest #manifesting #manifestation #affirm #affirming #affirmations #law of assumption #neville goddard #reality #parallel realities #create your future

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its-nebula · 3 years

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V3 Boys x Inhuman!S/O

Your creature is: Angel

He always did feel that you brought sunshine and guidance into his life.

He just didn't know that it was literally your job to do so.

Still, you were an anomaly to him. You were just so perfect, so pure. And yet, the aura you radiated was just so powerful.

Shuichi found himself having less nightmares. Instead, you almost always found a way into his dreams, not that he was complaining.

He did, however appreciate whenever you offered him advice. You always knew the right thing to do, and he knew that he could always count on you.

"I had a feeling that it wasn't the right call. Wow, S/O, you really are wise!"

As a detective, however, he has a natural curiosity and drive to explain things that are unexplainable.

How do you get things right so often?

And everytime you got a scratch or cut, no matter how large or small, it was practically fully healed by the next day?

Hmmm...

Your creature is: Demon

You seriously needed to walk on eggshells around your boyfriend if you didn't want to be found out.

Literally all he does is study rituals that could be potentially harmful to you.

You love him anyways, though, which is the main reason you can't let him in on your identitiy.

You did your absolute best to keep Korekiyo out of harm's way.

Whenever you felt the negative energy someone possesed, you had no problem telling them to stay away from your boyfriend.

He really values having peace, so he makes sure to thank you for driving away any negative people.

"Oh, S/O, my darling, how I'm always so appreciative of you keeping me in your best interests."

He always feels a little hurt when you won't join him in studying his rituals, though.

"My darling, is something wrong? I'm not making you uncomfortable, am I?"

You always have to sweat nervously and come up with an excuse.

Your creature is: Unicorn

An interesting pair for sure.

But you made it work.

Kokichi was very nosy, so hiding was a bit difficult. However, you were used to masking your true identity, so you found ways.

Your boyfriend also being a little gremlin, you had to protect him at all times.

But he's Kokichi, so he pretends he doesn't like it.

"Jeeeeeez, S/O, I don't need you following me around all the time!"

You're not immortal, but you've lived much longer than Kokichi. You've met kind people, mean people, evil people, good people, honest people, and liars. You knew he was lying.

Surprisngly to you as well, he was very prone to feelings of deep sadness and loneliness, like a dark cloud was hanging over his head.

You may or may not use your magic to drive away any negative thoughts that he may have about himself.

He's in denial that he feels better around you...because he's Kokichi and it scares him.

"Yeah, you're alright to have around. The perfect prank target!"

😑😑😑😑😑

Your creature is: Werewolf

The guy is very reclusive, so he really doesn't care when you tend to keep your distance out of fear of being found out.

"I'm too dangerous for you anyways, S/O. Maybe you should just go find someone better..."

He even suspected you of cheating when you kept going out at night, but didn't bother to say anything.

You would never even think of leaving Ryoma, and it made you a little bit sad he would even think of that. You knew it wasn't his fault, though.

One thing you did dislike about him, though, was the fact he was a cat person. Every time his cat hissed at you, you did a low growl bsck, scaring it off. Only when you're alone with her do you growl, however.

"Guess she doesn't like you, huh? I'm sorry about that."

You always smile so sweetly at him, reassuring him that it's okay.

Whenever you two go out, you make sure to let everyone know that you weren't messing around.

If they say something, you walk up to them and bear your teeth, and they take off in the other direction.

"Typical... even strangers don't want to be around me."

Somebody please get this man some therapy.

Your creature is: Shinigami

For the most part, life is pretty normal for the two of you.

Gonta doesn't really get himself into troubling situations, so you don't really have to worry about sentencing him to death.

Anyone who hurts him, however?

That's a different story.

You try not to kill too many people, though, as you know that's not what Gonta would want.

He gets really confused when one of his bugs sting you and you don't even flinch.

"S/O! Gonta sorry about bee! S/O isn't hurting?!"

You make up a reason, and he just goes along with it.

If ever a time does come when you have to sentence Gonta, you have to decide.

Will you save his life and sacrifice yours, or let him die in a peaceful way and let him rest?

What will you do?

Your creature is: Wendigo

It's pretty easy to get past Kiibo.

Although he may find it a little bit strange how you almost never seem to get very hungry, or eat...

He doesn't question it.

After all, all humans are different! He's read up on this thing they have called "metabolism". Yours is probably just really slow!

"Um, S/O are you positive that you'll be okay?"

As easy as it was, though, you didn't feel right murdering and eating innocent people behind your unknowing boyfriend. So, you went to the nearest prison, found a person who was on Death Row, and decided to just feast on them.

Hey, they were going to die anyways, and they were a criminal.

Still, you couldn't help but feel a little guilty looking into your boyfriend's oh-so innocent eyes.

"Don't worry, S/O! There's apparently someone who's been breaking into prisons and murdering inmates, but I'll do my best to protect you to the very end!!!"

He's Baby.

Your creature is: Unicorn

He gets very upset time to time, whenever he thinks about his sisters.

Obviously, you use your powers to help him search.

"I refuse to give up. With you by my side, S/O, I just know that we can find them...together."

You have ultrasound, and you use it to listen for any sounds, or get any hints at all.

When you're both riding in the boat, you use protection charms to make sure no sharks or other dastardly sea creatures disturb you.

You also use one to prevent the two of you from getting seasick.

You also use any powers you have to try and ward away Rantaro's negative thoughts or any self-doubt, but it doesn't always work.

It makes you feel bad that your powers can only do so much. All you wanted was to find his sisters.

But you wouldn't give up, not now and not ever. You had to be strong for each other. You just knew that one day you would find them, all 12 of them.

"I know it's going to be a struggle, but we can do it."

Your creature is: Wendigo

Kaito was one of the only ones who had just the utmost belief in you, and it always made you feel bad for being a literal cannibal.

He was very proud when you announced your new job at a prison.

"Helping those in need! That's so awesome, S/O!"

Heh...yeeaaaahhhhhh.

You kept the eating to an absolute minimum.

Whenever Kaito offered to train with you, you thought it was a little funny to mess with him by a little bit.

You had superhuman strength and speed, so you always beat him in foot races and bench pressing.

"Huh?! No fair, I thought I would beat you this time!"

He's not a sore loser, however. He uses it as motivation.

"Well...! I'll just have to train even harder so that I can for sure catch up to you next time!"

If you think about it, you were technically helping him.

You also had a great amount of intelligence, and you used it to help Kaito with his astronaut needs. Calculations and such.

"Thanks, babe! You're the best! I can't wait to live out my dream with you!"

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mira--mira · 3 years

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Hi! I was wondering

How do you think Hashirama and Madara would be in a Road to Ninja version?

I remember once reading a Hashimada fic (which I never finished RIP) that was about Madara appearing in the RTN universe and the 3 things that stucked with me were:

1.- Madara was the first Hokage (something that Madara thought was horrible when he saw his sculpted face on the Hokage mountain 🤣)

And personally I think that it would not have been like that even in the RTN universe because we didn't see his face along with the other faces of Hokages in the movie (Yeah, apparently I'm basing myself on a movie which I'm not even sure if it's canon or not, even though Kishimoto wrote it) and the RTN characters didn't seem to even know who Madara is.

2.- Hashirama having his bowlcut as an adult

And I agree with the Madara from that fanfic, it looks awful on him. Hashirama, babe, I'm sorry but the only ones who can rock that style are Guy Sensei and Rock Lee, I know you just were trying to be cool but it doesn't suite you.

3.- Tobirama was a porn writer

Instead of being a fan of forbidden jutsu and creating justus, he wrote porn novels a la Jiraiya. And I'll hold that headcanon with my dead hands.

The only other fanfic that places the founders in the RTN universe is one where the protagonist is Mito (it's an interesting one-shot that pairs her with Itama 🤔)

She was kind of a shy person 🤔? And so it was Tobirama 🤣 which I found fun.

Hashirama, as the first fanfic I mentioned, was the Tobirama of the place (saddenly Madara wasn't in this fic).

So I would like to know what are your versions of the founders (or only Hashirama and Madara if it is too much) in the RTN universe! And how do you think things would be

Hmm, RTN is an interesting concept to me but, to be honest, I don't think Konoha would exist if a lot of personalities got flipped 😂 I haven't read any RTN fics with the founders, but if you, or anyone else, have links at hand I'd love to check them out 👀

1. Madara

Here's the big one and the crux of why I don't think the village would exist. Typically I characterize Madara as an extremely responsible man who internalizes things when he shouldn't, takes himself way too seriously, is aggressive and abrasive even to people he loves sometimes, but genuinely loves the people closest too him. Reversing this would make a character that slacks off, takes no responsibility, and is completely passive in life and has fleeting attachments to others around him. Assuming he wouldn't die on the battlefield, I could see the RTN "alternate" personality coming about of Madara's being so overpowered and competent that he loses interest and distances himself from things before he can get attached and lose them.

It makes building a village very hard though. (At first I was tempted to go RTN Sasuke route and maybe RTN!Madara is a little more openly flirty than canon!Madara, but the passivity and refusal to take responsibility would be the "core" qualities for me.)

2. Hashirama

Hashirama is a bit weird because he has a lot of surface-level "conflicting" traits in canon. He is optimistic but he pushes beyond his natural attitude and uses it as a mask to hide instead of addressing his feelings. He's mischievous, likes jokes and games, and can be a bit hedonistic with his pleasure but can equally be serious when necessary and will willingly sacrifice for others around him. And simultaneously, Hashirama and Madara are connected by a shared sense of idealism but also anger. Hashirama is a very kind, but extremely angry, man. I think a RTN!Hashirama would share a kind of apathy of RTN!Madara but instead of passivity his lack of anger would manifest as cruelty. Because canon!Hashirama is angry but his anger is usually a righteous kind. I don't think RTN!Hashirama would go out of his way to be cruel, but he doesn't have the empathy of canon!Hashirama, especially to others' suffering. He enjoys fighting just a bit too much and has no qualms about killing. In his mind, he should always come first in any situation and prioritizing (or even considering) others' is effort and him going out of his way to be "nice" and the other should be thankful. Similarly if he feels any negative emotion, he won't bottle it up and swallow it down, he'll immediately address it, usually confrontationally. RTN!Hashirama is as intelligent as his canon counterpart but he doesn't suffer fools and he hates it when people underestimate him. He's pretty proud and vain, tbh.

I really don't think the above would make him the "Tobirama" of RTN verse. To me Hashirama and Tobirama have different core values and perspectives and inverting Hashirama's doesn't make it become Tobirama's, if that makes sense. This one is also wordy bc I immediately knew how RTN!Madara would be RTN!Hashirama is a bit harder to pin down. But I hope it's clear why I have doubts about the village existing...maybe if RTN!Hashirama got it in his mind as a pet project for the hell of it, that he'd be a better leader for the country and not just the Senju alone, and RTN!Madara liked the idea of no responsibility and being able to detach even further than he already was? But that's still kind of grasping for a reason.

3. Hashimada

Equally I think any Hashirama/Madara relationship would be ehhh. They definitely wouldn't have the overwhelming bond of their canon counterparts, and it could be a relationship ripe for unhappiness. The closest I can think of to making the ship work is RTN!Madara would be drawn to Hashirama's absurd level of self-confidence and able to let the casual cruelty slide off instead of getting worked up about it. In a way RTN!Hashirama is stable and predictable. If he's pretty overpowered, there's less of a chance RTN!Madara would lose him, so their relationship isn't deep but it's more or less dependable and Madara knows exactly what he's going to get. In contrast RTN!Hashirama has an audience in the form of RTN!Madara and a partner that's not going to push back against his ideas. RTN!Madara doesn't ask for much and he doesn't complain when RTN!Hashirama puts himself first. He doesn't want, or might not be capable of, the deep emotional bond their canon counterparts have. RTN!Madara wouldn't leave Konoha (if it existed) in the AU, because he doesn't really care. If someone upset RTN!Hashirama and he decided to leave to 'do it right' RTN!Madara would probably follow, maybe out of some loyalty for RTN!Hashirama but mostly because it's what's easiest.

4. Tobirama

The core of Tobirama's character to me is prioritizing logic over emotion and both a conscious and unconscious failure to realize he can't completely eliminate emotion. Tobirama loves his brother, he's curious and has a desire to find out what makes things work and is willing to bend morality to get results if it'll serve a greater good. He's very aware of the unfairness of the world but believes it's an unspoken truth of humanity and can only be mitigated through logical means, but never completely erased. He'll be the sacrificial lamb, the one that works in shadows so his brother can have his utopian dream. Despite everything, he loves his genin, the strongest bonds he has aside from Hashirama, and does try to instill in them lessons he think will help them and lead to peace and stability in the village. He's still influenced by the prejudices of his time and can never find it in him to truly forgive the Uchiha.

A RTN!Tobirama would be a man ruled by emotion. Him writing erotica all day definitely could be one way this manifests lol. But overall he's sensitive and spiritual and can't stand the idea of killing. He and RTN!Hashirama don't get along and he actively tries to avoid his brother. RTN!Tobirama has equally strong principles as canon!Tobirama, but they're pacifist in nature and while he likes his studies, he prefers to be out talking to people and learning from them first hand. He's very naive and can be easily taken advantage of and he has trouble focusing on any one thing for too long. No matter how many times this happens, he never can harden his heart or be overly suspicious of others. RTN!Tobirama would most likely be the one support peace in this AU. He embraces the Uchiha and all the Senjus past enemies with open arms, almost to a foolish degree. It'd be a bad idea if he became hokage in this AU because he's a terrible negotiator and has a bad people-pleasing streak and struggles with long-term tactics. With the exception of RTN!Hashirama, who he considers an aberration who doesn't have a soul, humans at their core all have good intentions at heart.

5. Mito

I characterize Mito as a very level-headed woman. Her marriage to Hashirama is political in nature but they grow to be good friends and she never expected to fall in love and she's glad Hashirama didn't want a traditional wife. Mito is devoted to her community work (she works hands-on with people in the village), she seeks out connections with others and, despite the distance, remains close with her family in Uzushio, constantly writing them letters. She's spiritual and follows the Uzumakis' beliefs (not gonna list this OoT spoiler lol) and studies fuinjutsu in her spare time, something she's done since she was a child. She is willing to sacrifice if it meant protecting something she considered greater than herself, much to her own personal detriment. She loves and is proud of her children and grandchildren, but if she had a choice, she would have chosen to remain childless, she finds her true calling elsewhere.

RTN!Mito, similarly to RTN!Tobirama, is ruled by emotions. She dreams of one day making a good marriage for herself and centers romance and being a mother as her ideal life, but she's extremely picky when it comes picking the perfect husband. RTN!Mito knows how much she's worth and she refuses to settle and will not even entertain the idea of an arranged marriage. She has a hard time forming long-lasting, deep bonds with other people and views starting her own family as the solution to this problem. At times she can be a bit absent-minded and unintentionally selfish, but she's not actively malicious. She blusters a lot and depending on the situation can come off as cold and uncaring, but it's only to hide the depth of her true feelings and loneliness. In this AU she would absolutely refuse to marriage RTN!Hashirama. Nothing on hell or earth, could make her change her mind.

Mito is such a blank-slate character it feels like writing an oc more than a canon character, tbh. And this is something I don't see brought up a lot but a "heart full of love" to combat the kyuubi's hatred to me has never been exclusive to romantic or familial (to children) love. *cough* I want a complex female character who's not vilified for not wanting to have children and/or regretting having them *cough* Mito's "love" was for the people of Konoha and Uzushio. My personal headcanon regarding her and Hashirama's child (I don't think she had more than one) was that she was dedicated to her son, but quickly realized being a mother wasn't her dream or something she even actively liked. The kid was well-cared for and she was dutiful towards him, but Hashirama was the parent that loved and embraced him with his whole heart and it led to some tension between Mito and her son as the kid could tell the difference and neither of them were "wrong" to feel the way they did. This is why Tsunade was shown with Hashirama instead of Mito, he was a lot more present in her life when she was young (instead of Kishi just not having made Mito as a character yet). But after Hashirama and Tsunade's dad died (and then Nawaki), she and Mito grew close but it was definitely more of a friendship or student/mentor relationship rather than a traditional grandmother/granddaughter relationship but both were satisfied with it and loved eachother. Likewise I didn't want RTN!Mito's characterization to be shallow and hit misogynistic undertones with her being an "opposite" to Mito's calm, level-headed, focused on her work/passions characterization.

6. Closing thoughts

#1: Wow this got long #2: I feel conflicted about RTN because it seemed to flip surface-level characteristics instead of deep characterizations, and ignored flaws altogether. The ones above, esp. Hashirama and Madara's, are kind of dark in a way? But that's the only way it makes sense to me...Gai and Lee caring about style and being stylish is a funny joke but if you were to actually poke and prod and say their personalities were inverted, neither of them would be top-notch ninja as we know...unless I'm just completely misremembering RTN because I realize it's been years since I saw it lol. Anyway, hope this was entertaining!

#naruto #hashimada #hashirama senju #madara uchiha #mito uzumaki #tobirama senju #asks #al-stuffy #rtn au #long post

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syubub · 3 years

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Yoongi birthday reading/energy check!!

It's sweet sweet tangerine bois birthday!!

I wanted to do a cute little energy check up to see what's up and ask some fun little questions!!

I'm excited so let's just do this shit!!

Disclaimer: this is for entertainment purposes and not to be taken as fact!!

---

I want to apologize for the absolute shit pictures but what's new lol

So, let's start with the platform. First thing I noticed was the blue was brighter but the platform was darker? It was like someone cranked up the contrast to 100. Ngl it looked pretty cool. Yoongis platform doesn't typically have a barrier like some of the others do so I just kinda walked in and did the whole, "happy birthday, I have questions" His energy seemed a lot more... vibrant? And playful I guess? It was really nice. Now. The actual connection was intresting because the cord was blue again and like, real thick. (I don't think my perceived thickness of the cord has and real correlation with how strong the connection is. It was just thicc) this time though, the cord was connected at the chest instead of the third eye. So i was like, ??? But my guide didn't give my any sort of helpful input (my guide likes to watch me suffer in my confusion. I'm sure of it)

Anyway, cord like that and then yoobi gave me a headbutt to connect at the third eye. Idk why he gotta be like that :( istg next time he's gonna flick my forehead or something.

I was like "cool cool cool. I want to do the reading now pls" and idk how to explain the energy other than sassy. You know? Blah blah blah I'm thinking, "I don't remember him being so cheeky but maybe I've been gone long enough for him to level up into his final sass monster form"

Anywho, this was intresting because after the little strings were connected and stuff, we plopped down on the floor. And it was like everything I was doing irl was being mimicked infront of yoons energy? So we were sitting facing eachother and I was putting the cards down between us?? Usually that doesn't happen but it was kinda fun!!

Moving right along. I first asked if there was anything he wanted to say or needed to get across and it was 11. Now, 11 has come up before and I'm still not to sure what it's in reference to? My best guess is possibly he's been seeing 11:11 or that it's 2? Idk let me know if you have any clues lol. Other stuff was just kinda banter and stuff.

So so so.

The reading. First thing I asked was how he was doing. And I shuffled his preticular way (when I ask a question I always ask for the energy to tell me how much to shuffle or when to stop. For yoongi it's always 2-2-2. So 2 bridge shuffles, 2 hand shuffles and then split the pile in 2. That's why I think 11 might be 2 to him?)

The cards we got are ace of swords rev, justice,the heirophant rev, the empress.

So based off this I was like okay. I want to pull clarity cards for the two rev cards to get a better picture so I pulled the emperor rev for ace or swords rev and strength rev and wheel of fortune rev for the heirophant rev.

Starting with the ace of swords rev, and the emperor reverse. It seems like yoongi has been re thinking his relationship to control in his life. That's he's possibly noticing any unhealthy needs to control his life and the situation around him. It could also refer to his judgment being clouded by a rigid approach.

With the justice card it makes me think that he's possibly considering a big choice in his life or that he's really doing some deconstructing of his own views. This second idea fits in well with him getting clarity on some possibly unhealthy control issues in his life.

Now. The heirophant rev, strength rev and wheel of fortune reverse. This was intresting to me bc they are all major arcana. The heirophant rev can really talk about no longer needing outside approval and making your own way in your own time bc you are your own teacher. Strength in rev I kinda read as self doubt and feeling down in this case. Like a lack of confidence in himself and his abilities. And the wheel of fortune in reverse I took to mean as his breaking cycles. All together these cards kinda paint a picture about wanting and trying to break a cycle of self doubt and self limiting beliefs and learning more about himself and why he think what he does about himself and searching through everything for truth. It's really good!! In short he's doing some nice soul searching and trusting himself to guide his own way through this self discovery!

The empress! This card seems to pop up for yoobi a lot and I think it really speaks to the abundance that surrounds him! Not just money but the abundance of creativity, love, friends ect.

Now now now. I asked him if there was anything that he wanted to tell us about himself or bts or what's happening in the near future. For that I got 2 of cups, king of wands and 3 of coins.

So the 2 of cups is partnership. Usually romantic. Could be pertaining to the may 13th thing that is ever present lol but I'll get to that later. With the 3 of coins talking about teamwork, this could definitely hint at collaborations coming up!! That's the vibe I get. No one crush my dreams. And for the king of wands it could be talking about taking the reigns on a new project and starting to get it done. Like a new opportunity. This could be a new bts project like starting a new campaign or new venture or maybe personal like the a mixtape or doing more songs for other groups ect.

I had to ask him how he was feeling about the grammys. I had to. Had to. The cards were ace of wands, 2 of wands and death reverse. When these came flying out I could help but smile. Yoongis energy was almost giddy too!

Witht he ace of wands

It's that spark of creativity and inspiration. It's that feeling when you get super excited over some new thing. I think this is the perfect example for feeling reinvigorated. The 2 of wands takes that spark from the ace and tries to funnel that excitement and newness into something directional. Using that burst of creativity to start planning for future progress!! Its so nice to see that! If they don't win (IF) you bet we're gonna get some bangers about a corrupt system. If (WHEN) they do win we'll get bangers about how thankful they are to have gotten where they are in spite of a corrupt system. I just want to hear an uncensored version of yoongi being like, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WE DID IT BITCHES. FUCK ALL YOU BASTARDS THAT SAID WE COULDN'T."

I can dream....

What a nice dream.

Now I asked if there was anything yoobi wanted to say to us as in advice or comfort or anything like that and I got, Clearing negativity, make time for self care, when I'm tuned into the energy of abundance I become abundant. when I'm in a state of appreciation im in vibrational alignment with my true love nature. The world rev, 2 of swords rev and that project, that person, that idea is waiting.

Awe. Take care of yourselves!! Make sure to take time to enjoy what you like and try not to let any negativity get in the way of you enjoying your days. The world rev to me seems to be talking about seeking closure on the things in your life that have been impacting you. Tie up those loose ends so you can move foward without triping over yourself and 2 of swords rev I think talks about information overload and being kinda indecisive bc of that. Take a sep back to evaluate the situation at hand because sometimes it's so close you can't see what you're looking for. Those of you who are studying and getting frustrated because you just can't seem to get it, try taking a step back and doing something to take care of yourself and come back to it so you can approach with a clearer mind. Try not to get stuck or paralyzed by choice but if you do get stuck, take some time to detach yourself from the situation and come back later!

A fair few people wanted an update on yoobis soulmate as well. If you need a refresher here's the run down. Yoongis soulmate is impossible for me to read, yoongi is a smug ass and I'm nosy and probably a little dumb.

Now that that's cleared up

I asked, "am I missing something?" (As to why I can't connect and why yoongi won't give me answers.)

I got queen of cups, magician and the high priestess. I read this as him being like, "yeah dude, you aren't woke enough"

YOONGI just give me answers pls. The high priestess is intuition and sacred knowledge, the magician is manifestation and the queen of cups is also intuition.

At this point I was like, okay you little shit, can you at least tell me how your soulmate is doing? Can you do that for me?

2 of cups, 2 of pentacles, 9 of wands and knight of wands. 2 of cups is partnership usually romantic, 2 of pentacles is priorities and managing them, 9 of wands persistence, knight of wands motivation for a new thing. His soulmate last time was in the process of going through some shit and figuring it out and it seems like now they've got a better clue of how to move foward and are currently heading towards good things/ important things in their life (possibly like working towards dream career or had an idea for a business the want to start or field they want to go in.)

I was thinking about the next question when this popped into my head, "if you know about your akashic book, do you know about your soulmates? Have you read it?" I used my pendulum. No movement at all. What so ever. "Are you listening to me?" Yes. "So answer my question please" No. "Do you like to watch me suffer?" Maybe. "Do you know the answer to the question" yes.

YOONGI WHY

This cheeky son of a bitch.

Now I was like, fuck it. Imma ask him the big boi question.

"Is your soulmate present when I do these readings?" Yes.

WHY THE FUCK CAN I NIT PICK UP ON IT???

I had to take a deep breath dude. Yoobi is testing my nerves.

"Are they hiding their energy?" No.

I was actually gonna combust. This makes no sense.

I asked yoongi if he would tell me what I'm not getting. Silence. So i ask my guide.

"lol ur dumb"

Watch me Google "how to fire your spirit guide"

Istg this feels like some dumb prank. Maybe I'm just genuinely oblivious to his soulmates energy or maybe I'm just doing something.

What do you want to bet that his soulmate is just hiding under the platform and I'm too stupid to notice or some dumb thing like that.

yoobi, sir, why must you do this?

I decided to continue.

"What message or thing have you learned from your soulmate recently that could be valuable to us?" I got healthy communication in relationships and deep replenishment.

Good to know you can have a nice communicative relationship with your soulmate bc I CAN'T.

I'm petty about it, sue me.

The message does stand though. Good communication and taking proper rest to replenish yourself.

Now I had to ask yoongi directly what he thought of may 13th.

I got the lovers, 7 of swords, the magician and judgement. The seven of swords was intresting and it makes me think there's some extra stuff at play here too. 7 of swords is about getting away with something and deceit. The clarifier was the magician.... this could mean a lot honestly. It could be that maybe yoongi will have his relationship exposed or possibly that maybe him and his soulmate meet but yoongi is disguised? Idk how that would work at all but I'm stumped. There's a lot of variations that this could be. The magician is about manifesting and having everything you need to create what you want. This could possibly mean that maybe he gets a sudden idea that's like, "oh I have to go here right now. Its super important" eventhough he has practice scheduled. So that would let down his team but he would be following his path and it might lead to him meeting his soulmate? Maybe vice versa? Idk let me know what you think??

With the judgement its about inner calling and kinda like the peak. Like shit has been leading up to this moment. With the lovers too it does seem like a union?

I asked him, "but like what's gonna happen on the 13th thought and I got the 10 of cups. Divine love, bliss, alignment, happy mushy gushy shit. This is why I'm so inclined to think that they'll meet on the 13th or things will get serious or their paths finally cross. The cards seem to heavily suggest that.

My dude. Yoongi is really sappy, pass it on.

For the last question I asked yoomgi if there was messages/ advice he had given to his soulmate that we might benefit from.

First step, open your third eye, open your heart, sign from heaven, open your arms to receiving.

A lot of opening lol.

It's good advice though learning to be open and receptive and taking that first step in tackling life or any situation.

Oki. Now for the disconnecting. It was not nearly as strange as it has been in the past. I was just like thanks dude. Again, happy birthday blah blah and I got up to leave. I noticed it looked like we were in sitting in one of those old plastic hoola hoops? Like the pink and yellow ones lol. As I was looking at and and like??? Off to the side the numbers 13, 28, 54. Obvi 54 isn't a date and then I the last yoongi check up there was book pages and I feel like 54 and 28 were the pages?? I'm not actually sure as I'm writing this so I'm gonna check.

Yep I checked. They are the page #s.

So that's intresting.

Other than that though I just kinda left and he was like, "bye" and that's all.

Not as cool as other yoongi adventures but equally as frustrating.

TLDR

Yoongis doing pretty okay and he's a cheeky little shit. My guide like to watch me suffer and yoobi is mushy gushy squishy.

Happy day of birth Syub!!

#bts #bts tarot #yoongi #bts reactions #bts imagines #yoongi imagine #bts rm #seokjin #bts suga #min suga #park jimin #hoseok #taehyung #jungkook

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bxllafanficc · 3 years

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¡Skate/sing your hearts out! (Yuri Plisetsky x reader)

(part seven)

Part one. Masterlist!

Summary: After last year's cancellation of Figure Skating Grand Prix, Yuri Plisetsky finds himself unable to bring out his inner skater after a year of doing nothing but enjoy life like a regular teenager. That's when you enter the picture; We Are Voice Grand Awards's currently hottest competitive vocalist come first place two years in a row. Just like the other competitors of Grand Prix, it turns out that Victor and Yuuri faces the same issue. With an arrangement between Victor and Yakov, they agree to travel to Japan and hire you as a mutual coach for Yuri and Yuuri to help bring back the emotion into their performances like before, maybe even more intense than ever. Yuri however, who's never experienced issues with his coaches before, for some reason finds this one particularly difficult to coexist along with in their (reasonably) odd partnership. Warnings: none

*Yuri's POV*

(Next week)

A week had passed by in a rather slow pace. Yuri's recovery seemed to never end when it had just been a few days. But those days were spent sleeping and eating, using his phone and sleeping some more. Mostly he had no one to talk to since everyone were busy with their own lives. Especially (Y/n) who had to keep her inner performer alive at all times. Her coach came with the idea of hosting a smaller gig where (Y/n) would perform about two or three numbers for the people of Japan. It was planned out as a small nightclub gig at first but the numbers of interested in Japan rose over the charts and well... (Y/n) said that she didn't want to let anyone down. Though her coach was apparently hesitant into taking more than a hundred people. 'Three numbers are too little for a concert.' They said but the people of Japan insisted on paying for the price a concert ticket anyway.

(Y/n) had told him this two days after his fever started. He remembered it made him scoff at how she decided the ticket would only cost a quarter of what a normal concert ticket would then. He had told her it was a ridiculous way of thinking.

He barely saw her after the first day of his fever. The way Yuri had taken a hold of her hand and fallen asleep... She waited until he woke up. Well, not exactly waited. She fell asleep at the edge of his bed.

And since that, the two of you barely talked during the days. They barely even met before she went to bed because she spent every waking hour to practice her numbers with her backup dancers. She still made you breakfast when she head the time though.

Yuri's glad it would soon be over and he could go back to normal. Everyone had been attending to him like he was some child and he felt like a huge burden. He had told Victor that he wished (Y/n) especially wouldn't just dismiss his attempts at doing things on his own just because he couldn't get out of bed with single effort. 'Right, she told me about that! You fell on your face right after while trying, didn't you?' He had replied.

So... yeah... Yuri wanted things to return to normal real fast. Yakov had promised him that he would get to start his session with (Y/n) as soon as the music for the program was set. And that was what Victor had been helping him with a couple times. It was hard to find something he wanted to use. Everything felt overused and boring. Just another performance. Yuri didn't want it to pass as that. He wanted to stand out and earn his gold medal for real just as last year. Now was also really the year of improvement so the music had to be well thought through. He was certainly going to take advantage of having a coach for emotional performances with him this season as well. Meaning, his free skate program was already set to be something hurtful and strong. Not love, he already did that. Something far more serious. He wanted the audience to cry after his performance. Everyone should be bawling. Yakov, piglet, Victor and even (Y/n).

Most important of all, no one would be expecting him to do a program with such deep meaning. Because he was one to avoid it in the past.

His short program should be something upbeat and flashy. He wanted the choreography so intense that he'd be coughing up blood at the end of the performance, if that was possible. So the music had to make the pulse of the audience rise when hearing it. Meaning, the music would be in the rock genre. And he already had just the song for it.

This performance would show off his skills and flexibility as well as the importance of his stamina since the entire program would be non-stop step sequences and jumps throughout almost the entire music. Since he intended to be in better shape than ever before before the competition started, he felt no point in holding back on anything. If he played it safe, then what was the point?

"Ah! Good morning Yuri! I come bearing gifts!" Victor busted the door open with his foot and stumbled inside the room, balancing a tray in his hand. The tray was set down in front of him and Victor sat down at the end of Yuri's bed.

"Where's (Y/n)?" Yuri was truly surprised to see Victor being the one to bring you the breakfast today. It had been her until now. And he hadn't even seen as much as her face today since she left so early.

"Ouch. I'm replaced already? I can't go on knowing I'm not your favorite anymore, you know." Victor put a dramatic hand to his forehead and fell backwards onto Yuri's legs. The tray with the breakfast threatened to tumble and Yuri made an effort to stabilize it. It was bacon and eggs with apple slices. A part of him felt a little sad that the slices weren't in the shape of stars...

"You were never my favorite, old man. And you didn't answer my question." Yuri picked up the fork and pointed it towards the man slopped unto the bed end. He ignored the sad pout he received and took a bite of the apple cut into pieces. Each slice were to large and it didn't even taste the same even though they were of the same apples like yesterday. The eggs were decent and the bacon slightly undercooked. Victor's efforts to cook for the household during the day were appreciated of course. But there was no wonder why (Y/n) stood for the head of the dinner at days when her schedule wasn't as crazy.

"She's practicing like mad. Called her dancers to say that she would be starting a few hours ahead of time because she got an energy boost. She wants the show to be at her best efforts possible."

"I haven't even seen her today. How can she practice like a maniac when she's probably already learned her numbers flawlessly?"

Victor was watching Yuri with a funny look. Probably wondering where all those questions came from.

"I think the show is a way for her to relax."

Say what? Going out of bed before sunrise and coming back from practice just mere hours before midnight could never be considered relaxation. Yuri would never be able to pull that off. That was an insane view of the word relaxing, definitely.

"The steam and demands from her competition in We are voice are currently lifted off her shoulders like heavy weights, you know. This is probably just fun to her. She doesn't have to compete with anyone. I think it gives her a sense of relief."

Yuri stopped eating and thought a little extra on what Victor said.

Yes. She was always stressed in every video where a fan or a nosy reporter came out of nowhere and started recording. Yuri had seen those videos. Especially the one where the random person happened to record the exact moment her mind broke down and she had a breakdown in front of a large crowd. Now there was no denying that Yuri sees (Y/n) as the most weirdest and ridiculous being alive. The way she is so determined to get her way and how much she cares for strangers she's never met. Yuri kind of still consider the two of them to be strangers, even after two weeks being with each other on a daily basis. Her eyes are also too intense for anyone to be up close with to her face and as if that wasn't enough, she's also a morning person and that's already a big warning sign to stay away from a person.

But even though he had had this mental conversation with him many times. Even though he agreed that he disliked her; he couldn't help but being captivated by her performances.

It felt so weird seeing her cry like that just minutes before her performance and then watching her going on stage having the time of her life. There was no doubt she loved her fans and performing on stage but that was one of those moments where Yuri really got to see the mind behind the happy smile. It was the first time he had seen her crying or feeling a negative emotion. It's still the first but he got a taste of her irritated self not so long ago.

It made Yuri think about her performance that day. It was a remarkable song filled with sheerness and excitement and her eyes were still wet with tears as she got up on stage.

"Remember (Y/n) performing 'Animal' during the acappella collaboration sequence?"

"Yes! One of my favorites. She was so happy on stage that day." While it had been true that she found happiness, it's not to ignore how broken she felt right before. 'Animal' by Neon Trees (A/N: listen to the Glee version of the song for the best acapella dynamic!) Was one of (Y/n)'s best performances, according to Yuri. He had watched it on repeat just this morning. There's really nothing special to the song in itself. It was the way she delivered every word and tune with such bravery after her internal battle like that. Her emotional response has always been on point but this particular song was something completely real and touching with her tears glistening in the corner of her eyes the entire performance. The tears of sadness had been replaced with joy and she had genuinely just been having a great time with the acapella group at her side, cheering and jumping around on stage with stars in her eyes.

'Oh, oh

I want some more

Oh, oh

What are you waiting for?

Say goodbye to my heart tonight'

The chorus were always his favorite part. Maybe it was the interpretation of the love-hate relationship the words of the lyrics intended. (Y/n) was belting out 'what are you waiting for' with such passion even though it was hardly a difficult song to perform.

'Here we are again

I feel the chemicals kickin' in

It's gettin' heavier and

I wanna run and hide

I wanna run and hide'

The short verse got him every time. The way her eyes watered at the end and then were immediately blown away by the chorus once again. The way she let go of her sadness and let her happy thoughts consume her. No, she let the song consume her and gave the song a completely different touch never done before.

Yuri had lost count of the time he'd watched it and he knew the choreography and song in and out by now. It was mainly intended for the purpose of studying her expression and getting some kind of inspiration for his music choice. He wanted his theme of his music choice for the free skate program to be 'to let go'. If there's any theme harder than love, then it's letting go of the thing you love. And not just what you love. Letting go to be able to love as well. Whether it's love for yourself or another person. There are countless interpretations and that's what (Y/n) had performed that day, with no intention whatever of doing it in such a way.

"I have... I have chosen the music for my program. At the inspiration of t-that performance."

Now don't get Yuri wrong. He'd never admit it to anyone that (Y/n) had been an inspiration to his free skate. He would probably had figured out the idea anyway, it would just had taken a little longer. And her performance was his own way to interpret it so he'd been the one to come up with the decision anyway. So in a way, she didn't have anything to do with it. And his choice of song would be far more intense and heartbreaking than anything Neon Trees could produce. And so Yuri told Victor about his music choices even though he had no clue why he put that kind of trust into the man.

"Those are some really clever choices when combined with your own vision. I'm almost a little jealous. Maybe I should just hire (Y/n) as my coach myself. It seems like it did wonders for you already!" The man laughed and patted Yuri on the shoulder.

"Nonsense. She hasn't began coaching me yet. She had no part in this." Yuri pushed away the empty tray to make room for sitting up and crossing his legs.

"Oh, but it seems like you learned a lot by ogling her all day long though." The smirk Yuri received made his teeth grit and his ears flush.

"I-i wasn't ogling her!"

"Then what were you doing exactly? I heard 'Animal' playing for a good 30 minutes from the wall connected to the room beside yours." Victor laughed at the startled freeze of The Russian Punk.

Okay fine. Maybe he went overboard with the video. But a new problem had seemed to appear now as he admitted defeat.

Yuri now had a witness that would have to be taken care of somehow. He leaned forwards and gripped the collar of Victor's shirt in a tight fist. The glare of daggers shot forwards onto the smiling man.

"Tell anyone about it and you're gonna have to reconstruct that pretty nose of yours. That's a promise,not a threat."

"Trust me! You won't hear a peep!"

#inspiration #yuri on stage #yurio plisetsky #yuri on ice fanfiction #yuri on ice fandom #yurianime #yuri katsuki #yuri on ice #yuri plisetsky x reader #yuri plisetsky #best anime #anime icons #animelove #anime fanfic #viktor nikirofov #yuuri on ice #yuuri katsuki

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drariellevalentine · 3 years

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Medically Inevitable

Chapter 13- Surprising Scenerio

Characters:- Arielle Valentine, Ethan Ramsey, Liam Mercado, Ava Day, Sienna Trinh, Elijah Greene, Bryce Lahela, Danny Cardinal

Pairing:- Ethan Ramsey x Arielle Valentine

Warnings:- Slight angst, PTSD

Arielle’s PoV:-

You’re woke up by a loud thud sound. “Huh!” You sit up and rub your eyes until they adjust to the very little sunlight streaming from the windows.

“Well look who’s up!” You would know this voice anywhere. Looking around, memories of last night slowly recollect in your head when you spot her.

“Ava!” You’re one step away from engulfing her in a bear hug when you remember she’s pregnant.

“So I see Liam’s let the cat out of the bag, huh?”, she laughs as she wraps you carefully in a hug. “You of all people should know it’s safe to hug pregnant women.”

You snort out of laughter. “Says the woman who has an MD in gynaecology.”, you retort. Both of you giggle. “Oh, it’s sooo good to see you Ava! It’s been so long! Way too long that you didn’t tell me one, you’re engaged and two, you’re pregnant!”

“I see the two of you have gotten acquainted already.” Both of you give him a look.

“Need I remind you that Arielle was the one who introduced us? We were best friends way back.”, Ava says.

“Ok, I get the point. It’s obviously not a fight I’m going to win with my fiancée and my childhood best friend against me!”, he says raising his hand in mock surrender as he heads inside.

“We need to catch up sometime! I would love to right now but I have work in about…”, you scan the room for a clock, “...an hour. Shit, an hour! I have to go!”, you say.

“Residency’s kicking your ass, isn’t it? Don’t worry, it’s kicking mine too!”, she replies.

“Anyways, what are you doing here in Boston? I asked Liam but he was all”- You gesture your hands wildly.

She laughs. “I’ll tell you, on one condition.”

“What?”

“Brunch.”

“I have work.” You give her a look as she rolls her eyes. “I see pregnancy hasn’t changed your personality one bit.”, you joke.

“I meant later this week, what do you say?”

You smirk, “I’ll have to check my schedule.”

“You’re not the only one who’s an intern, you know that right?”

“I know! I’ll call you, I promise!”, you say as you gather your things.

“In one month or two?”, she pokes.

“Okay, that’s just unfair. It was one time!”, you retort as you slip on your shoes.

“Where are you going already?” You turn around to see Liam dressed in work attire.

“She has work in an hour. Don’t worry, I made her promise to meet us for brunch later.”, Ava says.

“In a year or two?”, Mark asks sarcastically.

“Ughhh…. not you too!” All three of you laugh.

“Did you even eat anything?”, Liam asks.

“Nope, I’ll get something on the way.”, you reply.

“Nuh uh, sit your ass down. I’ll make you a breakfast bagel.”, Liam says.

“But”-

“Nope, you’re eating or else I’m not giving you your car keys.” You turn around to see your rose gold car keys dangling from Ava’s finger.

“Hey! I’m late for work and my boss is going to kill me!”, you say as a certain someone crosses your mind.

“Ooh! Who’s your boss?! ….is he hot?”, Ava asks with a smirk. You feel a slight blush settling on your cheeks.

“Ava! I’m right here!”

“Oh please, we’ve already established that you’re the only man in my life. Well maybe one of two…”, Ava says as she gestures to her stomach.

“Okay, now sit down, Arielle. I know you can’t resist my breakfast bagels. And I’m sure you need an aspirin for that hangover….”

One delicious bagel later, you’re in the locker room at Edenbrook with Sienna, Bryce and Elijah.

“So where’d you run off to yesterday?”, Elijah asks.

“Wait, she didn’t go back with you guys?”, Bryce asks.

“Nope!”, Sienna replies.

“I stayed at Liam’s house last night, and no Bryce.”, you respond as you grab your towel and shower gel.

“No to what? I didn’t even ask a question!”, Bryce asks.

“Exactly, keep your mouth shut.”, you reply while slipping into the shower. After pulling on a pair of scrubs, you head towards the nurses’ station.

“Hey Arielle, here for the PITA’s tests?”, Danny asks.

“Huh? Who’s PITA?”, you ask.

“PITA is a name the nurses gave Mr. Platt. It stands for pain in the ass.”, he says as she laughs.

You groan. “Ugh, you’re right about that. That man just loves to call my credentials in question! If he wasn’t a patient, I would just”-

“Woah, woah, woah. Take a chill pill. Heard that Dr. Ramsey assigned you this case, wouldn’t want to blow it if I were you.”, he says as he hands you the tests.

“God, nurses are like spies these days. They seem to know everything!”

You look through the test results as you walk up to Mr. Platt’s room.

“Damnit! These are negative too! Ughhhh…”

You take a deep breath before entering Nigel's room. You fake a smile as you enter.

"Good morning Mr.Pl-" you start to say as nicely as possible before he interrupts.

"Know what's wrong with me?" He asks angrily.

"No, not yet," you say sympathetically, " You recent tests came back negative as well."

"This is absurd," he burps, " I’m calling consumer affairs. I'll have you demoted before you can blink!”, he rudely barks at you. Your anger is starting to flare.

“Keep your cool, Arielle. He’s still a patient.”, you say to yourself.

"Why don't you get some rest while I figure out how to help you, Mr. Platt?" You reply as nicely as you can.

"Why don't you send someone worth listening to?", he says. The utter disrespect in his voice makes you want to sock him in the jaw. But instead, gritting your teeth you walk out of the room.

"Turn the A/C down while you are at it, will you?" He calls out from behind but you decide not to shout back, your hands curling into fists.

You make your way towards Dr. Ramsey's office. Your steps are slow and unsure as you question your abilities.

“Maybe father was right? After all, he always believed I wouldn’t be able to help people, at least in this way.”

You shake your head, as a futile attempt to throw the self-doubts outside your head. Bad memories surface, past fights and conversations arise. Words repeat again and again until you find it hard to breathe.

“Damn it!” Taking a few deep breaths to center yourself, you continue to his office.

“Come on, Arielle. You are capable of anything. You’ve come this far. What’s one patient?”, you try and convince yourself. That's when you spot Ethan. Anger boils up inside you, seeing his nonchalant face look over charts, assigning you this case for “a reason”? And when you ask, “figure it out”! What the hell does that mean?! You need answers, everything else can wait.

So you run up to him. "Dr. Ramsey, we need to talk!”, you voice louder than you expected.

“Yes?”, he asks with a questioning look, surprisingly ignoring your raised voice.

You steel yourself. “Mr. Platt is rude, belligerent and always questioning my credits. I would like to be taken off of this case.”

He looks at you for a second, straight in your eyes and says, “No.”

You’re taken aback, completely forgetting that you’re talking to your boss. “What?!”, you gawk.

“No. What part of that did you not understand?” Without waiting for your reply, he swiftly steps into his office and closes the door in your face. The anger gets to you, and against all common sense you pull open the the door and storm into his office. Ethan’s face betrays him, portraying his imminent shock.

“What do you think you’re doing?!”

“I’m trying to know why you’ve assigned me this case!”, you say a little loudly.

“I already told you to figure it out.”, he says coldly.

“Well I tried but the only reason I came up with is that it’s a joke.”, you say completely burnt out.

His face turns deadly serious. “Do I look like someone who uses patients as a joke?”

“Well I don’t know! It feels like you’re punishing me!”

His face is slightly red as he suddenly gets up, his chair tumbling down to the floor. “And why would I punish you, for God’s sake?”, he asks as he takes long strides towards you.

“I don’t know, maybe because you enjoy it!!”, you shout completely out of your mind.

"You need to keep your personal feelings sperate from your professional life, Dr. Valentine." He shouts, hurting you more.

He doesn't even let you say anything, " I'd think very carefully before you say something to embarrass yourself even more." He slams his hand on his desk.

You can feel tears welling in your eyes, you close your eyes for a second in a attempt to make them stay there.

"Would I be saying anything that wasn't true?" Anger can be still hinted in your voice. "You told me you have me that awful patient for a reason! But you won't tell me what the reason is! You won't even take me off the case! Why?"

"Because I assigned you to the case to challenge you! To push you!" His voice bellows.

"To push me?" You let out a humorless laugh. " To push me to what?" You shout.

"To be the best doctor you can be."

"I selected you for a reason. I selected you because I saw something special in your application."

All the wind is knocked out of you. Shock and embarrassment taking your anger‘s place." Wait… you selected me?"

"Yes. It was my evaluation that got you matched here. I believed I saw someone who could be truly great," he says his voice filled with disappoinment.

"It's very rare that I am wrong, Rookie. But I'm willing to admit when I am," he paused," And I was wrong about you.”

“I was wrong about you…”, the phrase triggers something in your mind, it being played on a loop inside your head.

The words are like acid poured on you, making memories surface, memories which you buried deep inside you a long time ago.

Your father’s voice takes over your mind. “I thought you were mature, and understood the importance of what I’m talking about! Turns out, you are just a disgrace to this family. I had such high hopes for you, but I was wrong about you. Don’t ever tell anybody that you’re apart of this family, you’ll bring nothing but shame and bad luck to this family. After all, ever since you were born everything went downhill…” The words your father spoke, each feeling like a knife embedded deep inside your heart, are playing in your head again and again. You shout, not being able to take it anymore.

Ethan’s PoV:-

Seething, you look to your side seeing the young resident gasp as she takes in the shocking information you just relayed. You’re about to shout again when instead you turn around, pinching the bridge of your nose and sigh. You turn around, ready to reprimand her when you notice her pale face. She’s on her knees, hands around herself in a protective way and having a difficult time to breathe.

“Fuck!” You bound towards her calling her name but she doesn’t hear you. Her small whispers turn into agonised shouts.

“No, no, no, no! Stop! Please, no!”

You sink down to your knees and try to calm her down. “Arielle, look at me��Arielle!” She finally looks up, violet eyes wide and breath ragged.

“Listen to me. To my voice. I want you to take a deep breath, five times.” She nods and tries to take a breath.

“That’s it. In and out, five times.” Her breathing and heart rate start to normalise when you notice your pulse racing. As she collects herself, your mind puts the pieces together. You lead her to the small loveseat in your office and hand her a bottle of water.

“...you’re suffering from PTSD, aren’t you?”, you ask.

“I was. My last attack was 4 years back.”, she replies softly, the usual melodic tone of her voice completely gone without a trace.

“4 years? Then why”-

“My last attack was when I had gotten a really bad score on one of my midterms because I was sick. Luckily, my professor allowed me to retake the test though. The attacks started after the big fight with my father. Sometimes I would feel like whatever my father said was right or sometimes events would instigate it but they haven’t happened for a while.”

“So why suddenly now?”, you ask.

”I’ve just been feeling a little unsure of myself, with the fellowship competition and Naveen… All the tension probably just built up…”

You nod. “Residency can be stressful, especially the first year.” Suddenly she looks around and abruptly gets up. You realise you’ve been holding her.

“Uh, I should get going. My lunch break is almost over.”

“You should.” You walk towards your desk to pick up another one of Naveen’s tests when suddenly Arielle swivels around, almost colliding with you.

“Sorry! I didn’t know you were behind me…” She stutters. “Um…uh I just wanted to uh.. thank you. So, thank you, Dr. Ramsey.” You look down, her violet irises cauciously peering into yours. Her face slightly tilts upward as her perfectly pink lips slighly apart. You stare at her eyes, like inevitable magnets, attracting you even closer when her pager suddenly beeps, pulling both of you back into reality.

Her eyes widen as her cheeks turn a shade of pink. She says something extremely rapid which you can’t make out as she rushes out the door. You slump down in your desk chair, raking a hand through your hair.

“Damn it…”

———————————————————————————

Authors’ Note:- Hey everyone! So, you guys are going to hate us even more cause guess what?! We’re going on a two-week break! Aurora has exams and I just finished mine (well, I when I post this I would have) and we found it convenient cause it’s a cliffhanger...of a sort. But don’t worry, we will be posting Character Moodboards and Aesthetics for all the characters and pairings instead for the next two weeks so stay tuned for that!

Let us know if you want to be added to my taglist!

Love,

@drariellevalentine 😘

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grayyxv · 4 years

Text

A Comprehensive Analysis of Eustass 'Captain' Kid

I've been wanting to write this for awhile now as Kid is undoubtedly one of my favourite characters in One Piece. Also, I'm majoring in Psychology so I can't help but think about why I love his character so much.

Disclaimer: As we all know, Kid doesn't have much screentime so it's quite difficult to understand his character completely. So, whatever you read will be my own intepretation of his character (based on the little amount of scenes that he has). Of course, you don't have to agree with it but it might give you a bit of a different perspective!

So, withour further ado, let's begin!

*P.s I'll try to make it flow in but it might end up really messy so I apologize for that*

Note: NOT SPOILER FREE!!!

1. Assumptions

I guess I'll begin with some of the common assumptions of his character based on posts/videos I've seen about his character. They frequently refer to Kid as 'cruel' or 'heartless'. Basically, there are many negative remarks about his character that makes him seem like a total psychopath.

Their reasoning for this would be because:

- He mentioned that he would kill anyone would mocked him

- His high bounty = He's notorious & violent

- The way he acts makes him come off as a bloodthirsty pirate

From another standpoint, I can see why people might think that way about him. The way he speaks and acts does make him look villainous. In addition, his primary role in One Piece is to be Luffy's rival. (I'll expand on this point later.) So, one might think that his morals would contrast Luffy. Whereas Luffy is the kind and benevolent pirate, Kid is the 'bad guy' who is cruel and heartless. The question is, though Kid is rival character, why does that necessarily mean that he would be a bad guy? I strongly disagree that Kid is a psychopath and that he is heartless. Firstly, the term 'psychopath' shouldn't be used so loosely. A true psychopath would have no regard for other's feelings which is not true of Kid because he cares very much for his crew. On the other hand, Doflamingo would be a good example of a psychopath. Next, even if Kid WERE a psychopath, not all psychopaths are violent. So it'd be nice if people stopped misrepresenting psychopaths.

Now, if there is one thing I learned in psychology, is that people tend to make assumptions about a person's actions as part of their personal dispositions rather than because of situation. This would be the Fundamental Attribution Error (FAE). What do I mean by this? Let's take a look at Kid's scenario. He mentioned killing people who mocked his dream. Killing people would make people automatically assume that Kid is 'violent'. But here is a different perspective, what if 'mocking him' had meant that they tried to start a fight with him? Provoking other people repeatedly would cause anybody to get angry. There are many other characters who acts this way as well. Sure, Luffy doesn't go as far as to kill them but I'm sure that many other characters do because they are PIRATES.

In contrast, I think of this situation as Kid standing up for himself. He believes in himself and he would beat anyone up who tells him otherwise. If you think about it, Luffy is kind of similar because he ends up fighting anyone who tries to stop him from attaining his goal.

That is pretty much all the assumptions that people make about his character. It's sad how they don't delve deeper but fret not!! I still have more to say.

2. Pre-Timeskip vs Timeskip Changes/Growth as a character

During Pre-timeskip, Kid is seen as overconfident. I actually agree with this statement quite a lot. His high bounty was a result of his reckless behaviour. He could easily triumph over anyone before the timeskip. That was when he started to become a little too full of himself. Consequently, he suffered heavy losses. His arm was taken by Shanks, his crew was utterly defeated by Kaido (curse you Apoo) and his reputation as the top supernova was instantly lost to Luffy. His true character development was in the Wano arc where we see how he starts to take a step back and re-evaluate his situation. The most obvious evidence for this was when he got captured in Udon. He was quiet (before Luffy's arrival) and deep in thought. So many things had happened to him, you could even argue that he was feeling slightly lost and helpless (not depressed) because he was utterly defeated. The motivation and drive he had in pre-timeskip was shattered- Until Luffy arrived of course. When Luffy arrived, he was battered and bruised but he was still ready to fight. Kid, who saw how Luffy still had his fighting spirit, was somehow inspired to keep on fighting. It's almost as if Luffy is Kid's drive to be stronger.

So, what does this all say about Kid?

I think that this makes his character believable as it can represent real life. There are some points in our lives where we could be the greatest but, sometimes, life can be pretty cruel too. If you get too cocky or overconfident, the world will punish you. I saw a comment that says Kid is Luffy but without the plot armour. That is very true. Kid isn't perfect. He made tons of crappy decisions and dealt which the consequences. I'd say he's as reckless as Luffy, perhaps LESS reckless than Luffy but he suffers more than Luffy does. While Luffy could bask in glory, all Kid got was the short end of the stick. I think that is the reason why I find Kid such an appealing character- because its an accurate representation of real life. Sometimes you can try as hard as someone else but you won't always get the spolight.

The other appealing aspect is his persistence. He made mistakes and bad decisions but he knows that he can't undo them and has to move on. Kid isn't as lucky as Luffy because he didn't have someone like Rayleigh to train him so, he had to put in more effort somehow. The main point is, he had to learn everything the hard way. Yet, he still strives to be the best which is very befitting of a rival character.

3. interactions & Personality

Another thing I frequently see when people Kid and Luffy is that: People say that while Kid makes enemies, Luffy makes allies which is why he has so much support from others around him. I was thinking about this a lot and I can't help but disgaree. I saw another post where they mentioned Kid's MBTI personality is INFJ which made me think even more about that statement. From here on, I will include several headcanons about his character as well.

Let me offer you a different perspective. Perhaps Kid isn't good at expressing his feelings. The way he speaks may come off as cold which makes other people dislike him because they think he is rude whereas he simply doesn't know how to communicate with others very well. Luffy is no doubt an extrovert, seeing how he is easily able to interact with others. Kid on the other hand, if he is an introvert, it could be an explaination to why he doesn't have many interactions with others. I don't see him as someone who's very 'sociable'. So he could experience some difficulty when communicating his feelings. He's shown to be closer to his crew more than anyone else. He is deeply respected by his crewmates because he is sensitive to their needs as well. He isn't the tyrant that everyone paints him to be, he earned that respect by first respecting his crewmates. Also, he would essentially DIE for any of his crewmates. This part is quite self explainatory if you've read the chapter where they revealed what happened to Kid and Killer in Wano.

I just want to add that while Killer suffered so much in Wano, imagine how much it hurt Kid to see his first mate suffer and how he couldn't do anything about it. The expression on his face is perfectly the anger he had towards Kaido, Apoo and more importantly, HIMSELF for not being strong enough. Yet, people call him heartless though he would literally die for Killer.

But anyways, Kid is an excellent listener and he cares very deeply for people he is close to. I just think he's bad at communicating. Look at the way he talks to Luffy. In Wano, you can see how Kid actually does LIKE Luffy as a rival. He just has trouble expressing himself. Anyways, this is just a headcanon but I think that he's rather sensitive to other's feelings- Especially when it comes to his crew. I really like the idea that he's an INFJ because he seems more like the 'advocate' type of character. I still think he makes a very good leader but his approach would contrast Luffy's.

4. Intelligence

I could probaly go on forever about why I love Kid but this is another thing that I see about Kid and kind of annoys me. I'm not sure why everyone seems to think he's a dumbass. Like REALLY. I think he's pretty intelligent. He even kept tabs on the whole SMILE situation and Doflamingo and planned the alliance. He IS intelligent but his recklessness just makes him seem like an idiot.

Kid isn't perfect, he is flawed just like a real human being would be. By no means is he a GOOD person but I don't think he is as 'cruel' or 'bad' as people paint him to be. He cares a lot for his crew. He is very driven by his own personal values and he wouldn't 'change' for anyone. He believes in himself and if anyone tells him otherwise, he would simply beat them up. He isn't happy go lucky like Luffy, he is much deeper than that. He would consider his options and plan- to a certain extent because he is also quite idealistic. Hence, the reason why I feel like his character is such an interesting one is because there is a lot of opportunity for him to grow and stray away from stereotypical anime character traits. His character is believable because his personality is realistic, it could reflect a real human being.

TLDR: Stop sleeping on Kid.

With that, thanks for coming to my ted talk.

Anyways, that's it for now! I'll make a part 2 if I feel like I want to add something. If people like this, I'll consider making another analysis for other characters. Currently I have Law, Ace and Sabo planned in mind but we'll see how it goes.

Thanks for reading!

#one piece #eustass kid #eustass kidd #kidlaw #killerkid #kid pirates #eustass captain kid

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1zashreena1 · 4 years

Text

Trading Trauma -13

18+, m/f, technically OCxDiego Jimenez [Power]

Summary: They share the rough stuff while trying to figure out how to be gentle with each other. And an antagonist?

WARNINGS: Ridiculous descriptions and ‘the code is more like guidelines’ outlook on grammar. Is it OOC if the character was given essentially zero development in canon???

Detailed discussion of abuse in all forms- Physical-Mental-Emotional-Verbal*** SERIOSULY HEED THIS WARNING Anxiety attacks, vague hinting at mental-behavioral health disorders, plus size woman+fit man, This one is all feels and

I Am So Sorry.

A/N: Princess took on a life of her own and has essentially become an OC. There are infrequent mentions of her description (specifically as plus size) and her actual name in later pieces (its Bicki). She started as self-insert so she looks like me (plus size, white, short, blue eyes, curly hair). If that is not your thing, I totally understand. And do not feel obligated to read this, I will not be offended!

I’m not a fan of “plot” so be aware that most of this series is just meandering through their relationship, angst-fluff-smut whiplash style. But with dick jokes.

TAGLIST: @chelsfic @symbiont13 @nicke0115 @bunnykjm @rosee-sensuelle @girlpornparadise @mandoplease @heresathreebee @xxsteph-enrixx @jetiikad @joalsglasses @mutantcookiesecrets @demoncatstone @squidlywiddly87 @lockedoutofmyotherblog @poeedamerons

I believe gif came from @girlpornparadise

Its a Friday like any other and Bastian picks you up like always. Only, something is wrong. You can tell because Bastian is silent; absolutely, completely, dead silent.

"So," You try from the passenger seat, "What the fuck is going on that you don't want to tell me?" Its raining and everything in New York is shaded in tones of gray. The gray buildings pass by, people in gray coats with gray umbrellas trudge along the sidewalk, even this SUV is gray. It still has new car smell. What happened that he bought a new SUV?

A muscle tics in Bastian's jaw as he tenses under your attention. Pale green eyes dart to you, then back to the road. Finally, Bastian speaks, "Alicia was here today."

Your jaw drops. "What? Why? Is he okay?" Your immediate concern is Diego, both his physical safety and his mental well-being. Bastian's silence is an obvious negative. After staring at him for an indeterminate amount of time and receiving no further details you go back to the windshield. "We can order food later, just take me to him."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Diego is stationed on the sectional when you arrive, working on his laptop. Bastian places your bag just inside the penthouse then retreats back into the elevator. That's never a good sign.

Diego looks up and smiles, its blindingly gorgeous and your heart stutters. The laptop gets dumped to the side in favor of grabby hands going for your curves. You climb into his lap, knees outside his hips, loop your arms around his neck, and fold him down into your softness. With a huge sigh, Diego melts into you.

"Princess. Missed you." His rumble is soft and quiet against your neck. He wraps you up tighter and squeezes your squishy middle. "Stay. Please." What started as an order ended as a plea in under two words.

You stroke over his hair, kissing his forehead and nodding gently. "I'm here, baby. Are you okay?" The likelihood of getting a straight answer is slim but you have to ask. You need him to know that you care, that you want to take care of him.

He nods into your neck and settles further. Apparently this is where I sit now. His breathing is normal, he doesn't flinch or jump wherever you pet him, and his clothing is in place. As far as you can tell, he is physically well. The only thing out of place here is his hidden face.

He is surprisingly cuddly in private, your Murder Panther rather enjoys petting, but he has never hidden from you. Its concerning, especially in conjunction with Bastian's hushed announcement in the car.

"What do you need me to do?" You keep your voice even and quiet because you're not sure how upset he really is. Broad shoulders shrug under you, he seems almost defeated. You try a different tact and ask, "Okay, when did you last eat?"

"Dish mornin." Diego mumbles into your skin like a kid. In truth, he is like a large child a lot of the time. He gets easily distracted by activity and is frequently lost in whatever task happens to be most interesting to him at that exact moment. He fidgets minutely under you, a tiny bit of his normal reaction to your presence is evident.

You turn to smirk into his cheek, "I meant food, but if that's what you need, well, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." His deep chuckle shakes your entire body. "Where's my phone? Lemme order dinner before you go after dessert."

Diego pulls your phone out of the back pocket of your jeggings and passes it to you, then replaces it with a huge hand. You laugh but proceed to order from that steakhouse you like in Brooklyn.

----------------------

By the time dinner has been completed Diego is relaxed and loose-limbed, sprawled on his back across your lap in the corner of the sectional. He is still quiet, but if you keep both hands on your tablet a little too long he makes his displeasure known with a growly whine. You’ve been absent-mindedly petting him for some time when you decide to try again.

"So, can I do anything to help you? Listen? Massage? Cuddle? Err, cuddle more intensely?" You don't look at him in an attempt to not make him uncomfortable.

Diego heaves a sigh and holds your hand flat to his chest. You can feel his heart, its picking up speed and you feel a little guilty. He licks his lips and finally speaks, "Alicia was waiting for me when we came back from a meeting this morning. She has been questioning my books. I suppose she doubts my math." Diego waves a dismissive hand in the air.

You have seen this man complete statistical mathematical analysis in his head, everyone knows his math isn't a problem.

"Um. First of all, no. Secondly, n-o-o-o." You draw the word out in your sarcasm and Diego snorts with amusement. "Why do you think she was really here?" You ask soberly.

"It is the math. I need to redistribute my surplus. What is that saying? Use it or lose it?" Diego looks up at you from under raised brows, waiting for you to confirm or correct his language.

That is fucking adorable. Your chest tightens with his easy familiarity with you and his trust that you have his back in all things, even something as small as a possible mistranslation. You nod in confirmation, but also need some clarification. "So, help me understand here, you have a surplus of what? Profit?"

Diego nods succinctly. "Technically, it is a deficit of expenses. However, the expenses are paid out of the profits, so I simply hadn't moved the profit surplus into the expense account, which would have highlighted the cost deficit. I attempted to not draw any undue attention to it, but that failed. I must find somewhere to funnel the excess money that would not arouse suspicion."

It takes you a minute to process that whole thing. Diego watches you mentally work through it with amused patience. You now have more questions than answers. "Okay, wait. Rewind further back. Why do you have extra money? Are you not spending as much?" What is happening?

"It is two folds," Diego holds up a hand with one finger raised, you don't bother correcting him this time, "I am not consuming my own product, therefore selling more and netting more profits." He raises a second finger and continues, "I am spending substantially less on incidental costs. Not so many bottles or strippers or whatever. So saving more."

He stares at his own raised fingers in bemusement before muttering thoughtfully, "Julio always led me to believe that women are expensive to keep but you have been saving me money. Hmm." He glances up at you with a small smile, tentative and cautious, so very not Diego-like.

Your shrug is exaggerated, but your flush is not. "Glad I could help? I mean, its my fault this extra money is sitting around, so its my fault she noticed and then came here. I'm sorry, baby." Sometimes when you open your mouth everyone goes on a surprise trip, including you. It wasn't meant to turn self-deprecating, but here you are. You really do feel guilty. My presence has altered his lifestyle and its a problem.

The worry must be obvious on your features because Diego catches it immediately. He rushes to soothe you, "No, Princess. I chose to do these things, or rather to not. You have done nothing wrong. I would rather have you and this problem than to not have you and not this." His right hand comes up to cradle your cheek and direct your gaze down to him. Those beautiful brown eyes are molten, fierce with some emotion you don't want to analyze. It still fucks you up.

You swallow hard and lick your lips, "So what do we do?" Diego follows the path of your tongue with his thumb while his lips curl up in pleasure at your choice of wording. The way he looks at you sometimes, like he might try to move heaven and earth for you, it hurts. You can't decide if you like it or not.

"We must spend the money." He winks at you. "I will invest some and hide it in offshore accounts. If anything happens it will come to you." His air of finality is chilling.

Looking him over, you can feel tears welling up. "I don't want the money. I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy being spoiled, because duh. But if I have to make some ultimate choice between money or Murder Panther?" Your hands fling around with impassioned gesticulation.

Diego chuckles, "What does," he imitates your sharp movements, "mean, Princess?" His eyes sparkle with the city lights twinkling in through the windows, but so far he is succeeding in suppressing his smile.

"It means, you know!" You flail your hands around faster, as if that will make your point.

Diego does it back faster, so you interject with even faster movements, and Diego rebuts the same way until you grab his hands to stop him. The both of you dissolve into almost hysterical giggles.

He uses your joined hands to pull your forehead down to his. You can see a dizzying array of emotions swirling in his eyes, its breathtaking. His breathing hitches, brows draw down, and then his eyes close.

"Baby." You sigh, cupping his cheeks gently, "What?" The question is soft, tentative. He doesn't release the hold on your wrists, but allows you enough space to pet him minutely.

"When I have you here it blocks out everything else." Long fingers spasm on your forearms as Diego pauses to drag in a ragged breath, he continues, "I want to keep you here."

I don't know what to say. You're dumbfounded. "What? What does that mean?" Your voice has shrunk down to a quavering whisper.

Diego opens his eyes to look up at you and they are deep enough for drowning. "You are coddling me and I like it. I want you here every day. Give me this whenever I want it." He whispers roughly. Diego studies your form as though committing your features to memory. "You should," that raspy voice hesitates and Diego grips your arms tighter, "You should quit your job and move in with me." He stares up at you in complete sincerity.

You're trying to keep it together. Diego is the one who had a bad day here. You're supposed to be helping him, not having your very own freak out. Think rationally about this. He isn’t here all the time, sometimes he's in LA. I'm not hot enough to be a trophy wife. What would I do all day? Just help him? Wouldn't that just be a different job? Oh my god, if I say yes to this… what if he asks me to go to LA? What if--

"PRINCESS!" Diego's bark cuts through your mental tornado and you blink back to awareness. He is still in your lap, cupping your jaw in one giant hand, while he watches you silently freak the fuck out.

"I'm sorry," you gasp, "I didn't mean to just. Just. Zone out." Your breathing is shallow and you can feel your heart racing.

Diego just watches you, unreadable. You glance down at him then look away. One of the coffee mugs is missing from the tree. Must be in the dishwasher.

"Hey." That rumble is soft and you cannot ignore it. Your eyes shoot down to his again, then away, and you shake your head 'no' minutely. Diego shifts to sit up (Via only abdominal muscles, your entire pelvis helpfully informs you) but keeps a hand on you. He sits back into the corner of the sectional and beckons to you. When you move toward him Diego spins you so your back is to his chest while you sit in his lap.

He wants to maintain contact but not overwhelm me by being in my face. I wonder if he’s been researching again.

Its enough to crack your heart open a little.

His long legs bracket your hips and you smile fondly, it reminds you of all the times spent in the jacuzzi tub. Diego rests his prickly chin on your left shoulder, wraps huge hands around your middle, and just sits there. Your hands pet over his thighs, his knees, then inward to cover the grip on your rounded stomach.

"Logically," you clear your throat, "I know you don't mean it this way. But. I, well, I basically gave up my entire self once before and, as you know, it did not go well." Your voice is clear but soft as you continue, "You're not him. You are so very not him. But I still have… scars." Your hands are shaking noticeably so you stuff them under his. Diego laces his fingers with yours and steadies you.

"You never told me what he did to you. I want to know everything about you, Princess. Let us make a deal, huh?" Diego is always just a little bit greedy and you can only respect that as a fellow hedonist.

Tilting your head to the left, you lean your cheek against his nose, then answer warily, "I'm listening…" You can feel Diego's smirk.

"I will tell you what happened when I was little and you will tell me what happened during that 'relationship'. An even exchange." He stares at you from a few centimeters away and you return the calculating look from the corner of your eye.

Your lips purse while you consider, then offer a caveat, "Only if I can write it out and not speak it." You turn to face him fully. He looks so… soft.

Diego licks his lips, "Deal. Now kiss."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You write out everything you can remember from your ex.

How no one was allowed to know you existed, you could have no title, that it wasn't a 'relationship' despite living together for eight years.

You worked full time, you cooked, you cleaned, you kept a household budget even when it meant emptying your savings account to pay for his bankruptcy filing.

The way you paid all the bills but your name was only listed on the lease, the three cases of beer you had to buy every week no matter how tight money was for groceries, you weren't permitted to hang anything on the walls so your ex could cover them with posters of girls half your size.

You kept your hair dyed strawberry blonde because that was what he liked, because then he would touch you without sneering. The other girls you poached for him to sleep with instead of you. How you were supposed to be grateful that a man would even deem to fuck you at your size.

The wake up call when you argued back the first time after all those years. How he had backed you up to the top of the steep stairs in your second floor apartment and then loomed over you. The way you teetered on the precipice before diving under one of his arms and escaping to the bathroom, the only door with a lock.

How one day while he was at work you stuffed everything that would fit into your car and just left. The way you had to start over from scratch with no credit history or savings. The court proceedings for the restraining order, that you had to recount everything in front of your family, a judge, and the ex himself.

. . . . .

You don't realize how badly your hands are shaking until Diego takes the tablet from them. He sets it down on the neighboring cushion and locks the screen dark before turning back to you. Those huge arms wrap around your middle, on top of your own arms hugging yourself, and pull your back flush to his chest. You ponder his largeness; his thighs are as long as your arms, the stupefyingly huge hands and feet are an endless source of fascination, the biceps are your favorite pillow. You grin dumbly.

"What?" Even at a whisper his voice vibrates deep in your chest. Its not especially deep, but its so rough, it almost reminds you of a cat tongue. Diego watches your face from an inch away.

Left shoulder raising in a lazy shrug, you sigh, "I love sleeping next to you. And I don't like sharing a bed with anyone." You blush a bit with the confession, but its true. "I feel safe with you even though realistically I know it should feel the opposite. You won't hurt me and you won't let anyone else either." Its a direct contrast to what you were just writing about and you say it with absolute conviction.

"Of course not! But, but if I do, accidentally obviously, you will tell me?" Diego sounds simultaneously aghast and condescending but not at all offended by your acknowledgement of his potential danger. Amazing.

You turn to face him and lean your forehead against his. Diego sighs softly and squeezes you tighter. "I mean, I might write it, but yeah."

He makes that adorable scrunchy-thinky face that you love before announcing, "I'll allow it."

Your eyes roll fondly as you sigh, "Oh good. So glad that meets your approval." His sly smile is mesmerizing.

"So. Are you gonna read that or…?" You glance down to the tablet then back up at him. "No, wait," you interject before his open mouth can start making noise, "Tell me yours first. Please." You turn solemn as you consider how bad this might be. Watching his face gives you a hint; his forehead smooths and his eyes shutter while soft lips turn down at the corners. Its his poker face, he is hiding from you.

Diego clears his throat quietly and looks away before he begins, "Our mother died when I was young, before I started school. My Lita said she committed suicide, apparently she was depressed after I was born. Alicia blamed me."

You knew he had grown up without a mom, all of his delighted reactions to your own mother knowing and hearing about him had suddenly made a hell of a lot more sense when he told you. And you already knew that he was close with his grandmother, Lita, that she had looked out for him. And now much of Alicia's behavior made sense, too.

"My earliest memory of Alicia is at age twelve for her. By that point she had convinced our father that it was my fault. I was four the first time he hit me with a belt. The buckle, of course." Diego's jaw grinds, you can see his right eye twitch. You want to reach out to him but he probably won't tolerate it right now. He frequently misreads sympathy for pity. I'm starting to understand why.

"When I was eight she said to get in the car, I was allowed to go to the grocery store with her. The nearest was the next town to the east. Halfway there she pulled over and told me to get out, then she left. A neighbor driving home from the store saw me and took me to Lita. I do not know how long I was out there but I was very hungry." Here Diego pauses and swallows, "Lita said I ate a pound of beans." His wry smile is bitter.

Brown eyes turn to you, his face is closed and guarded at first. You keep your mouth shut and just look at him. Slowly but surely, Diego's big body relaxes behind you, his eyebrows flatten and his lips soften.

"When I was ten she pushed me through an open window. He beat me with the metal frame from the broken screen. At twelve I burnt one of the kitchen cabinets trying to make food before they got home. It was a rake that time. Thirteen was a microwave, I did not know about the thing with aluminum foil so it sparked and it was ruined. Also, I somehow got a video tape tangled in the VCR, I have no idea how. I begged my friend not to leave, father would not do anything until we were alone. It only made it worse." You can't take it anymore, your right hand comes up to his far shoulder and strokes up to cup his jaw.

Diego turns toward you, rests his forehead into your neck, then proceeds to give you more. "I was sixteen when father staged the coup and killed his uncle to take over the cartel. He and Alicia sent me on 'errands'. I learned that these were suicide missions when I turned nineteen. Each time I came home fucked up but alive they were furious. Every time the cartel experienced a setback Alicia convinced everyone it was my fault, that I somehow ruined everything I was given." The seismic effect of his voice has shrunk in correlation to his volume. You can clearly tell that this is the time period when Alicia cemented into his mind that he was a total fuckup.

Rough beard sears your skin as Diego raises his head to rub a cheek on you. You shudder and fist his shirt in your hand. With a deep sigh he goes on, "I was twenty-two when I made my first deal with a cousin. It took three years but we arranged for a rival outfit to give information to the DEA and they took our father away. Alicia decided this was her chance to take over everything but the men did not all take her seriously as a woman. Thus, she finally had a use for me and so here I am still."

You lean into him, rubbing back. Diego is the first and only person with whom you have actively wanted and enjoyed cuddling. He always smells good to you, even when he should probably shower you still like to bury your nose in his hair and breathe deep. Its gotta be pheromones.

"She doesn’t know that you made that deal, does she?" You question cautiously, wary of upsetting him. He shakes his head 'no' and brushes fleeting kisses up your neck to your cheek. You take it one step farther, "So could you potentially take over everything by yourself?"

Diego pauses to meet your gaze, his head cocks to the side just the tiniest bit. "Do… do you want me to do that?" His voice is hesitant, cautious even.

"No." You whisper softly. "I just want you safe. As safe as possible. And I know you'll be safer if she is out of your life." Your smaller hands cup his jaw through their own volition, thumbs stroking over the silver patches in his goatee. Plunging straight into the deep end, you offer an alternative, "Or, if that isn't a viable option, maybe you could quote-unquote 'retire'?" You study his beautiful face as his eyes unfocus while he digests your words. His brow furrows and he purses his lips in concentration.

"That is worth some deliberation, Princess." Diego admits. Then, with a visible shake, he comes back to the topic at hand. "But now, it is your turn. Turn back, huh? I'll read this." Big hands move you around like a ragdoll and you melt a little inside, I wonder if he could just carry me like a baby all day.

You snuggle back into thick torso and sigh with pleasure. Yes, you're still anxious about this but you trust Diego more. Knees drawing up, you hide in your thighs, he only squeezes you tighter. You can hear him picking up the tablet and. And.

Breathe. Just breathe. My jeggings are soft, the couch is slightly fuzzy, his pants are silky, the blanket is plush. I'm here, with Diego, right now. Safe. You practice the grounding techniques that have worked in the past while he reads silently. His stillness is killing you slowly.

Finally, the tablet goes back to the cushion and the second hand comes back to you. Diego grips your stomach tightly before speaking, "Princess. You understand that you are beautiful, yes? I said I love you because I meant it. You. Just like this. Round and soft and thick. With your glasses and your big dark eyes and these curls in so many shades of brown and silver. Smart, sarcastic, funny, ballsy. You are shrewd and sneaky, that's sexy!" He chuckles a bit and you laugh raggedly, trying to hold back tears.

"But," he continues in a milder tone, "I understand why you were unnerved earlier. I did not mean to absorb you, or, or erase you. I only want to take care of you. Spoil you how you deserve it. You understand?" That dark voice directly in your ear is incredibly distracting, and then the words register in your consciousness.

"I, I mean I understand but I don't get it. You know?" Your voice is raspy, you're so tired deep in your soul. This is everything you never allowed yourself to dream of and you're not entirely sure that maybe you aren't in a coma somewhere hallucinating all of this. It certainly feels real, you snort to yourself as you pet over Diego's muscled arms.

Nuzzling into your neck, he sighs deeply, "Oh, I do. You have no criminal record, you rescue tiny baby animals, I have seen you buy food for other people when their card declines, you sort recycling, woman." Here he laughs wryly and you join him. You see his point, you're both from very different backgrounds and from the outside probably don't seem like a good fit. But still…

"Most of my insecurities come from my size and the way that has influenced other people's demeanor toward me. You have never behaved like that, you always treated me just like all other women. It's both confusing and freeing. Like, at times I don't know how to behave but other times I just run with it." Your confession comes out evenly and sounds logical. Huh, maybe I'm finally getting over some of this.

Diego hums thoughtfully from where he is pressed into your cheek. "And you have always treated me like a person, not a bank or just a good time. Or a path to power." His voice is raspy and low, full of emotion. "As though my feelings mattered. Even that first night. You regarded me as an equal." You chuckle with the memory of forcing him to come to you in the club when you first met. His dimpled smile of delight still has the same effect on you. Recalling the morning after when he wasn't at all fazed upon seeing you while sober and well-lit fills you with warmth, too.

Diego goes on, oblivious to your musings, "I want to take care of you as a partner, not take you over. I want you just as you are, I wouldn't have taken you home, or texted you later, or invited you back if I didn't. I will share everything with you. I have kept you from the business for your own safety, but I, but if, if you want to see or learn, I know you would be an exceptional addition. It would change your life drastically and I did not want to make that decision for you; that would not end well."

You can hear the restrained hope in his words. His serious consideration of leaving the business for you is a revelation. He really and truly wants to share his life with you; to make a life together, not simply add you to his own as an accessory. He values your input and observations but doesn't want to put you in a precarious or dangerous situation. Being with him like this already does that. I'm already in this far, I'm IN LOVE WITH HIM.

"I want to think about it. I can't lie, of course I like the idea of being taken care of, not having to worry about things. But I still need to be my own individual, not a dependent, you know?" Its easier when you can't see him, you're less likely to shutdown and go nonverbal. Diego clearly understands this, and therefore you. Its new and novel and comforting and terrifying.

With a kiss to your cheek he leans back a bit to whisper, "That is understandable and reasonable. I have been doing research, reading on normal relationships and not so normal women. I have never done any of this before. But know this: Everything I have, everything I am, is yours, Princess. My wealth, my connections, my power, me, my heart, this dick, all yours."

You snort through tears, "That's like a fucking hallmark card, baby." It hurts underneath your ribs, Is this what love is supposed to feel like or am I doing it wrong? He's certainly doing it right. You giggle unevenly before amending, "Except for the dick. That is all Diego."

His laugh is deep and soft. "I have never bought a card in my life. Is that really what they're like?" He asks incredulously. Your enthusiastic nod only makes him laugh harder, the hoarseness of it giving way to wheezing. "That is horrible!"

"I know!" You crow and then collapse back into him in helpless guffaws. Diego wheezes into your hair, grabbing your hands and holding tight.

"But," he pauses to giggle briefly, "But, can we try? Will you at least consider more for me? I wasn't sure when to tell you, but... we are going to split the territory and the duties. I am going to stay here, in New York, full time." Diego declares haltingly, his voice quavers with the fear of rejection. "You can come here whenever you wish and I'll be able to reach you in two hours on any day. I want to be as close to you as possible, close for you."

You turn around slowly, openly gawking at him. His big brown eyes are wet, he blinks furiously and licks his lips in apprehension. This dangerous, powerful, stunning man is afraid of your refusal.

"You… I. I don't know what. That's. No one has ever…" you trail off and gesture vaguely. Your question is thick with shock, "You're rearranging your life for me?"

Diego shrugs half-heartedly. "You are my priority, Princess. I don't want a life without you. Please tell me that is ok-kay." His voice hitches. For this man that is practically begging.

You can feel your throat closing up, its all you can do to nod and throw yourself into his arms. That big body sags with relief as Diego crushes you to him. Burrowing into his neck, you choke out fiercely, "I love you, Diego Jimenez."

His choppy sigh, the soft, "Te amo, Princess." It all shatters you apart. When the pieces come back together again its Diego who fits them into place, Diego who holds you together, Diego who tries to set you free to thrive on your own terms.

This is like the most ridiculously lovesick puzzle in the universe. Fucking feelings.

#damnit diego #murder panther #starz power diego jimenez #rough me up then dick me down #24 fucking 7 hours in this house #maurice compte #zash writes

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halcyonnhood · 4 years

Text

Alumni Band (Michael Clifford)

Summary: Nellie and Michael were best friends in high school and in marching band. They reunite through alumni band. Platonic love.

Word Count: 2.1k

Rating: literally PG.

Warnings: me being a soft bitch

Authors Note: I'm back from the dead for .02 seconds. I wrote this while manic and haven't bothered editing it. Incase people aren't aware of what Alumni band is: it's basically just graduates of marching band getting back together and performing (usually.) I'm going off my experience, I literally just did alumni band in October (I was the second youngest.) and we always go to practices and then perform together with the high school band for homecoming games. Tons of fun. I'm also scared people won't like this as much because it isn't romantic and doesn't include smut. Fun. Enjoy!

I will probably make a second part in the future which might be romantic, but I'll probably stick with some platonic!Mikey. Double bonus, Nellie is a plus size character. I didn't feel the need to explicitly say that in this part. We'll explore that in the second.

The band room still smells musty and sweaty, a smell that somehow comforts Nellie Reed. It's been years since she had last stepped into her second home, but everything still looks the same. Chairs were still set in messy rows, music stands placed out of the way in the corner, and there are crumbs everywhere (despite the ‘no eating’ policy). There's a couple of new photos placed randomly along the walls, a disney world trip from 2018, the new drum major beaming proudly with majorettes. It brings back memories of her own high school years and how much she genuinely misses marching band. Of course she does, she wouldn't cancel plans for nothing. She only does it for homecoming week anyhow.

The rest of the alumni band seems to be taking their sweet ole’ time. To be fair, some of them are very old. Nellie has already paced laps around the room multiple times. Looked at photos. Peeked into the uniform closet, viewed the same old uniforms, and quickly shut the door before the odor could become too pungent. After all, the poor cotton uniforms only get dry cleaned twice a year and sadly they still smell like sweaty teens. She pulls out a music stand and takes out her piccolo to get some practice in. Well, that was the plan before a few frames beside the director's podium catches her attention. Upon closer inspection the first frame holds a picture of her, Kellen Loxley, and Michael Clifford at their final senior football game. It had been rainy and cold, both her and Kellen falling multiple times in the mud, yet the three of them were laughing in the picture. Her heart swells at the sight, she had never been so happy and content until that night. The second frame showed Hadden Beaupre's smiling face, she knew why the picture had remained there years after their graduation. He had died a couple nights before graduation after getting in a car wreck with Nellie and Michael. And the picture captures exactly how she remembers him, red curly hair spilling onto his forehead, freckles speckled across his dimpled cheeks, and green eyes shining brightly. God, she missed him. She missed them all.

Her introspective thinking is abruptly interrupted, “Staring at his dopey smile was probably your biggest downfall, ya know?”

She immediately recognizes the voice. She honestly believes that she could identify him anywhere.

“You're just jealous I stared at him, Clifford.” Nellie chuckles. She turns around to be met with none other than her high school best friend. Except he wasn't a teenager anymore and he definitely filled out his once awkward, gangly body.

“Me? Jealous? I could never.” Michael chuckles.

“Whatever you say. I didn't even think you'd show up,” She comments, “Let alone with bubblegum pink hair,”

Michael let's out a laugh, “Can you blame me? I know Jennings hates it and it'll be a good laugh. He can't make me bleach my hair like the good old days,”

“You're the dumbass who would dye it weekly despite knowing the rules,” She rolls her eyes. “I'm surprised you aren't bald from all the chemicals,”

Michael was trying to come up with a witty comeback when the double doors swing open and their old band director peeks his head in, “The rest of the alumni are on the field, apparently they still can't follow directions,”

The practice isn't going as smoothly as it did in high school. Nellie's section is filled with ditzy, forgetful thirty and forty year old women who rely on her to teach them everything. They forgot the very basics, but she's kind and teaches them anyway. While she's helping a woman named Janice with arm swings, she makes eye contact with Michael who is giving her a “are you serious?” look. She just shrugs and gives him a frown, because honestly, this sucks. Michael just smiles from across the field and it sends her back to their freshman year. It had been hot, both of them exhausted and ready to go back home, but they still found enough energy to mouth words to each other and make silly expressions. He looks the same, with dyed hair and his neck strap hanging to display his silver saxophone. It HAD to be silver, his fourteen year old self had claimed. It's unique, unlike every other boring gold saxophone. Of course the boy wanted to stand out, even his hair shows that.

“Will I see you at the game?” Michael questions after practice.

“Do you really have to ask?” Nellie gives him her signature smile. The one reserved just for him.

He chuckles, “It's not polite to assume things,”

“Of course you'll see me there, Mikey.”

The week passes right before Nellie's eyes, it feels that way, but she knows she's just giddy to see Michael again. The duo hasn't been the same since graduation, while at one time they used to be inseparable, now she's lucky to get a text once a month. It was usually saying about the same thing each month, “Hey, I hope you're doing well Nel. Hopefully I'll be home soon. 🖤” Except he never really came home until this week. She wanted to be mad at him, she should be mad at him, but she's too understanding for that. They're both adults with adult lives and that's okay. His adult life is just a little more exciting than her own though, a famous band, cool ass friends, and screaming girls willing to fall at his feet.

Nellie had a pretty bland life in comparison. She stayed in the same small, dead end town working as the city schools music therapist and occasional music teacher. While he was out touring the world and being rich, she was earning two dollars above minimum wage and eating microwavable dinners in her one bedroom apartment. She just wishes she could have the comfort of having Michael closer. At one time it was a reasonable wish, now it seems like too much to ask.

Michael is going to arrive at the high school late. According to the text that he had sent her. It's half expected, he was never on time to begin with and some things never change, she knows that. It isn't a big deal, yet Nellie can't help but feel a little hurt. She just wants to talk to him while getting ready, but the man is nowhere to be found and she's surrounded by strangers again. Not how she wants her night to go and definitely not what she had pictured happening. She had pictured getting there early together and having half of the evening to fool around and act like teenagers again, he had other priorities in place though. And she is definitely not one of them.

Nellie glances down at her phone for what feels like the hundredth time tonight. He hadn't bothered texting her again and there's only twenty minutes until pregame. And while she loves her best friend, she can feel anger and disappointment stirring up deep in her chest. Michael had spent the past few days texting her consistently and talking about how excited he was to relive his old marching band days. How excited he was to spend the evening right along with her. The least he could do is actually fucking show up and she's not sure that he even would. So, she lines up for pregame with the flutes and tries to rid herself of the negative emotions. This is a night for fun and remembering why she was so passionate about music in the first place.

Pregame is still hell. It's not particularly long or challenging, but it's still tiring in its own way. It's only when the band is marching off the field that Nellie spots soft pink hair through the mass of uniforms and alumni. The sight makes her heart race much faster than the marching and crowd could have. The fact that he actually showed up almost cancels all the frustration from before and all she can focus on is getting close to him as soon as possible.

“You showed up,” Nellie says once the duo is sat comfortably in the band stands.

“I told you that I would,” Michael raises an eyebrow at the girl.

“I was beginning to doubt that,”

“Nel, I have never lied to you” He tells her with a softer tone.

She just plays with the keys of her Piccolo, “Yeah, you do Mike. You usually do every time you claim you'll come home.”

“You know I can't help that. I always make plans and things always pop up. I'm here now, let me make it up to you,”

“I really don't wanna talk about this anymore. I'm going to get hot chocolate, want some?” She asks while handing him her beloved instrument.

“We need to talk, I don't want things to be bad between us.”

“I don't want to now, Michael.”

Nellie wants to stay and talk, it's what she's been craving for months on end. To just cuddle up next to him and talk about everything they've missed. She wants to know all about his famous life, tours, and new friends. She wants to tell him all about her students and how she's successful in her own way. But she doesn't, she turns and walks down the bleachers stairs. Away from Michael and any bad moods that began to cloud her mind. She's just going to get them some hot chocolate and let the cold breeze cool her off before she goes back to him. Their friendship is something they both value and she doesn't want to ruin that due to bitter moods and hurt feelings. They'd work it out, they always do.

As promised, Nellie returns with hot chocolate and the two sip it in silence during the game. He doesn't bother trying to say anything else to her, but doesn't pull away when she cuddles up to him for warmth. They stay like that until halftime when they follow the high school band to warm up. Then onto field. The show feels natural and familiar, the one thing that both Nellie and Michael missed. Throughout the show she can occasionally see his pink hair moving smoothly across the field or see glints of his silver instrument. It fills her heart with nostalgia, no different than the rest of this week.

“I'm sorry I never come home,” Michael tells Nellie after the game.

She turns to watch the boy, his hair sticking to his forehead and green eyes studying her carefully, “I'm sorry that I was being a dick earlier. I was just kinda hurt that you were late. We don't get much time together.”

“I know. I wish it was different but with to-”

“Yeah, tour.” She cuts him off. “I would know more about that if you talked to me.”

“I should've made more time for you. I know,”

“I just want my best friend, Mike.” Nellie says and looks away from him.

Without warning, Michael pulls the shorter girl into his chest and hugs her tightly. She melts into the warm embrace and squeezes him softly.

“I can't take anymore time off. But I was thinking, why don't you take a little vacation and come with us for a month. Or two. I'll show you LA, you can see new places.” Michael tells her suddenly with wide eyes as if it surprises him too.

“Mikey,” Nellie whispers softly. “I have work and bills. I can't just leave like you can,”

A cheeky smile pulls at his pink lips, “And? Work for us,”

“Yes, because you totally need a music therapist,” Nellie rolls her eyes.

“We need…” Michael trails off, “Music lessons? You have a degree in music education.”

“Oh, so now a band with number one songs needs a music educator,” Nellie laughs at the thought. “Especially with all your famous friends,”

“Luke and Ashton can't read sheet music,”

“Luke plays piano,” She deadpans.

“By ear” Michael grins down at her. “You know that isn't proper. C'mon, Nellie.”

“As fun as that so-”

This time Michael cuts her off, “We'll pay double whatever this district offers. They really don't offer much, I would know, we both went here,”

“Fine.” Nellie grins.

Michael wraps his arms around her tightly and spins her around with joy. Nellie starts in a fit of giggles and hugs him tighter than ever before. She finally gets to see her best friend every single day. No more late nights waiting for texts and feeling let down when plans change. Suddenly doing Alumni band is the best decision she's ever made.

“I can't wait for you to meet the boys, Nel” Michael rambles, “You'll love them and oh my god all of the food in LA? To die for. I have so much to show you."

“I can't wait, Mikey."

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sparklessswift · 4 years

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19 Things I've Learned in 2019

1. “The desire for positive experience is itself a negative experience. And paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience.” — Mark Manson (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck)

I always thought that "How To Be Happy" things on the internet are true and those things can really change your life if you will try to do so. But while reading this book, I've realized that it's not. That the irony behind thinking of ways to be happy and positive just reminds us of what we are not and of what things we failed to have that we've always wanted. The more we try searching for ways on how to be happy, the more we can't attain happiness.

2. The quality of your life depends on the quality of your choices and decisions.

I've learned that you are the only one who's accountable for everything that you choose to do, for every thoughts that you entertain and for every decisions that you make. The quality of your life is shaped on whatever you want it to be. Whenever you feel like you're carrying a huge amount of emotional baggage, it's because you chose to carry it anyway. You chose to entertain the melancholia, you chose to let it enter your life. Do not blame your situation or even other people. Change the way you see things, make good decisions and choices and the quality of your life will be better.

3. Music is a form of enlightenment towards our true emotions.

I found out that longing to hear sad songs that we can relate to whenever we are feeling sad isn't a sign of tolerating sadness, it means we are trying to fill the gap between what we know and what we feel. Finding the perfect song that explains exactly the way we feel helps us figure out the right words to describe our current emotion. It makes us feel that we are not the only one in the world who's suffering. It's relieving to be so connected to a song that you feel as though, it was written for you.

4. Forgiveness is a nice thing to do.

There are times when we feel as though, people and even ourselves are not worthy to be forgiven and that no amount of apology will cease the burning fire. But one thing I do learned this year is that, forgiveness means letting go. Do yourself a favor and let go of the bad memories, what's important is that you took it as a learned lesson. Let go of the grudges that you kept for so long, it will give you a peace of mind. Let go of the idea that forgiving without hearing an apology is not necessary in life, it is. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you've done in life and forgive those people who have hurt you as well. Release the pain by forgiving so you can finally move on.

5. Self loathe is the most toxic form of hate.

I've learned that there is nothing more toxicating in life than hating your own existence and body. It's like badly wanting a poisonous thing even when you know it is bad for you. It's like loving the lyrics to Taylor Swift's song "ME!" because it radiates self-love but there's always a cringeworthy feeling whenever you sing the words "I'm the only one of me, baby that's the fun of me" because you can't feel the message it conveys. And it feels like, no amount of motivation from other people can cure the poison in you. I know it's easier said than done but remember that only you can free yourself from self loathing so might as well start appreciating small things about yourself and sooner or later you will realize that it's fun to be the only one of you.

6. Being 18 is challenging. While it may be true that each year has its own challenge, being 18 is quite different. It's the time when your mind starts forming questions about life, existence, and future. It's like a climax to your own story, exciting as it may seem but it contains setbacks, challenges and a hundred thousand pieces of inspirations needed in order to thrive harder. In order to believe that you can pursue your dream of reaching the happily ever after.

7. Appreciate high school moments while they last. Realizing how fast the time has flown after my journey in high school is something I wish I was ready for. Funny how we're so attached to a moment from the past (e.g. graduation) that everytime we remember it, there's this bubble of thoughts appearing in our heads with the line “it felt like yesterday” and it feels so bittersweet. If there's one thing I can teach the other generations, it is to always appreciate each moment while it lasts. After all, moments will become memories that will forever be stuck in our head so might as well enjoy your high school life and make good memories out of it.

8. We are all temporary in everyone else's lives and that's normal. It feels relieving when you realize that each person that we meet has a temporary role in our lives. We are bound to lose connection with someone whom we thought will never leave us, we're bound to cut ties with people who are not good for us, and we're bound to be left behind or leave not because we want to but because we just crossed paths with each other, we aren't really travelling the same path not as what we thought we are. Learn how to appreciate someone's presence and learn how to accept someone's absence.

9. Do not drown yourself in the thought that internet validation is important. It is definitely okay to dump the idea that you're living in the wrong generation if you think likes/reactions, comments and shares are not important. Most people today still haven't come to realize that the internet has not just open-sourced information, it has also open-sourced insecurity, self-doubt, and shame. And we have to open our minds about it. Life is happier the moment you realize that you should not give a damn about what other people think of your posts.

10. Do not jump on hate trends in social media just because it's in. Cancel culture has made a noise in the internet this year and suddenly everyone are bragging their freedom of speech because they are jumping on the bandwagon (or should I say, we're? 😂) But one thing I do learned from all the hate trends is to be discerning. This is the best time you can practice cherry-picking and only utter a word when you think you really need to or when you think it is appropriate to do so. Just as Taylor Swift said, “You just need to take several seats and then try to restore the peace and control your urges to scream about all the people you hate”.

11. Being attached to someone does not mean you're into that person. Attachment is way too different than love and even infatuation. It needs not to be stereotyped. Sometimes all you have to do is to give yourself the benefit of the doubt about how you feel and you will realize the true value of a person to you.

12. The hardest struggle in life that we can ever experience is something that is related with our family. Indeed home is where the heart is. Family is our major source of inspiration and it can also be our major source of distraction whenever there are unforeseen circumstances going on. And I think dealing with those circumstances is the hardest struggle to face because there will always be a pain in your chest wherever you go that is inevitable. The pain that lies deep within you but bleeds through the surface of your body that you can't hide.

13. College is way too different than high school and you should be ready for it. Of course, culture shock will always be there the moment you enter college. You will start comparing high school and college in every single details, you will randomly reminisce high school memories while walking in the hallway and you will remember how easy passing the exams and getting high grades back then. In my first semester in college, I've learned that you will never survive if you are ill-spirited, proscrastinator, lazy and weak student. I've learned that college is survival and in survival, you should not come with unnecessary gears. I'm sorry Taylor Swift but in college, you should not bring a knife to a gun fight.😃

14. It's okay to have few friends atleast they are real. Making friends is hard and no one can convince me otherwise. People's intentions to you are confusing nowadays and it's hard to trust another set of new people. I've realized that the amount of friends has nothing to do about how you enjoy your life. What's important is that you have friends who are honest as the day is long.

15. Listen more, say less. This year I've learned the value of lending ears to those who are in need of it and even to situations that require much understanding before saying an opinion to avoid any conflict. Do not be easily carried away by your emotions to the extent that you're no longer thinking if what you are going to say is appropriate to the situation. On the other hand, there are times that people who are venting out their problems do not need any piece of advice, what they need is someone who is understanding enough to spend time listening to their rants.

16. Things that are gonna make your life more interesting are things that you should say yes to. — Taylor Swift

Progress doesn't come in the blink of an eye. You need to challenge yourself to do new things in order to make a progress. It is even more okay to step out of your comfort zone sometimes in order to grow. Life will be more interesting when you accept challenges with conviction.

17. Follow accounts on social media who are good for your mental health. Do yourself a favor and start unfollowing accounts that triggers your anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt. Your feed should only contain things that motivates you and people that inspires you to be like them. It should not be a place to start who-did-it-better or who's-best-at-life competitions.

18. Acceptance takes time. I have learned that it is okay to still question things that happened to you 6 years ago. It's okay to still cry everytime it pops up in your head, it's okay if you are not a hundred percent healed and it's okay to have a mind with not enough understanding about the situations that you've been to even if it happened a long time ago. God put you there for a reason. You have to keep in mind that acceptance has no definitive time frame. Healing doesn't wait for you to be ready for it. It will just happen.

19. Procrastination can ruin your goals in life.

There will be no further explanation, there will just be procrastination. 😎

#writers on tumblr #writing inspiration #creative writing #spilledthoughts #2019 #2019taughtme #taylorswift #artistsontumblr #calligraphy

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alannahaisling · 3 years

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The day I slipped into a Panic and anxiety attack.

This, this is going to be long winded.

I'm just going to come out and say it. No, I don't want sympathy. This is just me using this particular blog for what it was meant for. A space for me to vent, to be my authentic self. To reflect, to just let things spill out from my mind through my fingers and onto the screen on which you may be reading this.

First things first. The Icons I'll be using here are not rp muns, they are simply my emotions on display. My IRL self as displayed by characters I adore from the Teen Titans fandom.

Ooookay lets get down it.

I help moderate a stream, have been doing it for a while. I became fast friends with the streamer and pull long hours. Roughly 4-5 hours per stream, unless I have class the next day.

To my knowledge, nobody ever had an issue with me. Save the odd person here or there, that may have disagreed with me, but at least they would tell me to my face, and I would shrug it off and move on. It was as simple as that.

My friend, who I love to death, has on more than one occasion had to reassure me that I was actually doing a good job. I lost count how many times I asked if I needed to improve, or if there were any rough areas that may need to change.

A good chunk of the time, they would just kinda raise their voice, and be like. "Damnit, you're good. You're fine." and then try to cheer me up with silly cat pictures. My ultimate kryptonite.

This friend of mine has worked with me for a few years now, talking about deep heavy personal stuff. They know I am medically diagnosed with ptsd, social anxiety, and have been dealing with depression for years. So they're not a stranger to my triggers and I love them for respecting when I need to just be alone, or only want some quality time one on one for a few hours. You hear that you knucklehead? Yeah you, I know you at least read this shit.

Moving on.

On friday, we had a.. bad night of it. Not even an hour in, after happily gathering folks who wanted to play the chosen game with us that night, someone. Who I will call 2P, dumped a huge paragraph, attacking my character and personality as a mod, in my friends private discord DMS.

2P for months, had been telling me to my face, that they saw me as a best friend, that anything I ever said and or did would be safe to do. You know the whole, you can trust me bit. I blindly trusted, and hind sight maybe I shouldn't have.

Meanwhile the entire time, I apparently had been talked about behind my back, negatively for a while? I don't know.

So we paused the stream, and go into another server that's locked down to a limited set of people and discuss it. Friend is, PISSED, but is trying to not yell, and asks me what we should do about it.

In my head I'm just reeling. I'm asking my friend, if I'm a bad mod, if I've fucked up somewhere, I'm totally confused. I can't concentrate, and there's this choking hurt in my chest. One I know all too well.

The feeling of dread. The feeling that I messed up, that I'm useless, and a fraud.

My friend is trying hard to make sure I'm okay, by this point they know, this has fucked with my head. In a huge way. 17- going on 18 years of therapy suddenly going down the drain, spiralling out of control.

They Cut the stream short.

I'm exhausted, tired, feeling beaten. I just say a few things to 2P and leave their discord server, kick them from my private one, and from the one I made for my streamer friend for the game we play with other people. In addition, also a possible person who may cause me issues, because 2P's probably been shit talking me for a few months now.

Friend is arguing on my behalf, another mutual and their friend, instantly demands to get in call. We'll call them... Uh.. Fuck, Tataru , and Estinien for sake of ease. Tataru is having none of it, they are witnessing my typed anxieties. They are hearing our mutual friend, trying very hard to not just *yell*.

2P is dropping the nasty paragraph in other dms now, belonging to other regulars. It's escalating pretty fast. I am now a villain, and a victim in one role, and 2P is also playing the role of victim because my dearest friend just told 2P Off.

"2P, isn't getting it!" My friend is saying with a calm anger. "2P is just constantly going on and on about how (my name) is bad for the stream." Or something to that effect. "They don't even fucking realize how fucking hurtful they are being."

"You need to stop responding." Tataru is saying. "Just, tell the mother fucker, NO and block 2P on everything."

I guess 2P is quickly realizing that they are losing the fight, so they come into my dms. Shit forgot to block them there. I think in my head, and I see them trying to bring the argument to me. They tell me, that I'm handling the situation all wrong.

I don't even respond. I'm tired. I'm just done. I'm mentally slipping back to the days I was mentally and emotionally abused, and gaslit.

GASLIT.

GASLIT!

I block 2P. For my mental health.

Estinien with their calming voice, is outlining streamer etiquette rules. 2P is definitely out of line, as a viewer. If we want, Estinien can pretty much hit up a wider streamer network, and have the name of 2P blacklisted from other communities.

By this point, another regular is talking to my friend asking what is going on. Then another. Slowly, I read through logs my friend has dumped into the 4 person private call.

Then I see it.

"I'll just lie through my teeth to her about why I'm leaving or something. Just don't tell (My name) I said any of this. " In regards to the in game guild My friend and I Co Run.

Silently mutter to myself. Not that the others can hear me, my headsets broken. "Ah, the other shoe has dropped. 2P's been lying to me the whole time. I've been gaslit all over again. No wonder I feel like I do."

Estinien and Tataru get sleepy and go to bed. My friend stays up as long as they can as I sort my head out, trying to timeline events. I'm given logs, screen shots. 2P's been blocked. I lock down my twitter for a day. I lose 20 hours sleep.

I spent those 20 hours of no sleep, asking and apologizing to regulars if 2P has ever talked to them about me. Most of them say NO, and reassure me I'm a good mod, that I make the stream warm, fun, welcoming and comfortable for all kinds of people.

A good friend of mine, who I will ironically call Angellica, because we call each other sis, and I view myself as Eliza from Hamilton. Once had told me to be careful with 2P from the start, because they had a bad vibe about them, is PISSED off, and yeets them out of an in game group chat. "Fuck em, 2P's a troll."

I realize, that Angellica literally stood by and chose my happiness. Cause yeah, I thought 2P was someone I could trust. After what happened though, I realized that I had been mistaken and apologized, To Angellica.

Now 2P is going around seeing who still will consider them friends, or are neutral parties. I was made aware of this because one of them, a mature friend actually asked me what 2P was going on about. So I gave them the run down. They were disgusted with 2P's behavior.

Now a days, 2P takes screen shots of anybody on twitter, that has blocked them and smears their names.

2P still doesn't get it.

But I'm moving on from it.

I have screenshots and logs. But I don't ever plan on releasing them publicly.

So yeah, 2P if you ever come across this, and figure out I'm talking about you, I severed ties with you, because friends don't lie to each other, Friends don't talk behind each others backs, they don't force other good close friends to sit on the *truth* of how you feel. Friends can disagree, and can have different opinions.

But You burned your bridges yourself.

I've always had a three strike ruleset.

One: You lied to my face multiple times.

Two: You pretended to be my friend.

Three: You actively gaslit me, and my friend.

Sooo THAT'S why I cut ties with you. Your behavior after that was just you playing the victim, and none of us 30 plus year olds were just going to sit by and let you have your 20 something year old tantrum.

I bare you no ill will, and I doubt any of us are going to even blast you in an open space like twitter releasing the logs or screen shots. I'm just noping out of this parasocial relationship because that's all it was. I refuse to be used, as a way for people to get close to and use my friend as they work on their passions and goals.

Adieu 2P , nothing was lost the day I walked away, except all the work my friend did to get me out of my isolated shell. But you know what? They'll just pull me back out, and support me 100% You'll never break us up.

#Mental health #STORY TIME

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