#it doesn't matter how we parted i still learned new things and grew as a person through meeting them and learning through them

[fernshawart]

I've seen a post going around saying that if we eat the rich we shouldn't touch Pearl. And it got me curious on what is it that makes her an exception ? Pearl is not just rich. She's CRAZY rich. We saw it in her interview, her mansion is immense and she keeps mentioning how much money she has randomly. But I think there's several reason why we don't see Pearl as bad for her money.

One, Pearl is a good person. Genuinely. Pearl is known to be generous, to care a lot about others and to be willing to spend money to help everyone. We see it when she's helping Eight in the metro, not hesitating a single second to help her out with money (btw, she didn't ask for her to give it back. Cuttlefish did). We also see it with Marina, who visibly lives with her (see the pic down) and who she probably took care of when she was homeless.

Two, Pearl's personality isn't just money. We don't love Pearl because she's crazy rich. We love her because she's unhinged, because she's sweet and caring, because she's funny ... She's not Scrooge McDuck. Money has an important part in her life but it's not her main personality trait.

Three, Pearl is close the punk scene, and it seems that she grew up in this environment as a young adult. Punks are inherently linked to concepts like anticapitalism, anarchy (hence why she was team chaos), freedom of the individual and anticonformism. There is no way she grew up in this scene without learning about these concepts and at least adhering to them in some way. The reason why she got into punk was most likely to express herself, meaning she probably had some retrospective beforehand.

Four, Pearl is humble. And what I mean by that isn't that Pearl doesn't talk about her money. She does, obviously. But rather that Pearl's wealth doesn't seem to make her feel superior in any way to others. She will talk to you like any other person no matter your status. It was obvious with how she treated Marina when they first met. It's also seen with the fact that she's friend's with the agents, even calling Eight a really good friend of hers. But it's still present to this day with Damp Socks.

Damp Socks could've been formed in many different ways. But Pearl actually found everyone on social medias. These people were just random dudes she found cool and that she got into a big adventure.

And finally, Pearl works hard. She was born into wealth, but nowadays, the reason why she has money is because her band is successful. Pearl has always shown a desire to improve herself, to change and try new things, to work into building up a future for herself and Marina. That's one of the reasons why she wanted chaos. She refuses to get stuck in a box that would keep bringing her wealth and fame but that would ultimately make her feel like she doesn't improve anymore. Damp Socks is a manifestation of Pearl's wish to grow up. And to me, this proves that Pearl wants to change for the better.

... Also she screamed so loud at a terrorist that he blew up. I guess that helps.

#character analysis #splatoon 3 #Splatoon 2 #splatoon #pearl houzuki #pearl #hime

[banes-favourite]

What do you think Enver's life was like in the house of hope after his first day there? How long did it take for him to fall into a routine or at least get more used to life there? How long before his personality became more like it was as we see it in game instead of still being more like he was before being sold?

What do you think he thought of the others in the house of hope(like Hope, Haarlep, Raphael, etc) if he ever really saw them?

I think his personality before he got taken away had the same basis as it did after he escaped. He was ambitious, always wanted to do and be more and he felt some sort of nihilism towards everything around him. The last part only grew the more time he spent in HoH, of course.

I don't think it took him too long to settle into a routine, actually. I like to believe he strives for routines and thrives in them. After the first few nights where he couldn't help but cry, he picked up what his tasks and rules were pretty quickly just from being observant. They didn't like it when he looked anyone in the eyes, so he focused his gaze on his step. They didn't like it when he meddled with affairs that had nothing to do with him, so he learned to spot and run away from them (perhaps even hide to listen in). He saw in which rooms he was welcome in and which he'd get slapped for sneaking into. They gave him cleaning supplies and instructed him to clean the whole House, as many times as necessary. That was a front ofc, his real job was to be used as a sack of meat for those looking to release their urges.

But of course, he's a kid. Naturally his curiosity got the better of him and he wandered the halls, hiding in plain sight as he mapped the place out.

I think one day he snuck into Raphael's chambers and shat his pants thinking Haarlep was the big D himself. I don't think Haarlep would harm the little critter (or god forbid, do other things), at least not yet. He was too young. He'd just talk with him and laugh at his innocence, warn him not to come in here unless he had a reason to.

(cw: child abuse/rαpe)

Of course I still think Haarlep groomed him and later on at 16 or 17, he took his form the sexual way. Gortash probably believed it was a choice of his but come on, he had absolutely no choice in the matter. That doesn't mean he agreed to it with no plan in mind though; he probably managed to get Haarlep to answer a few questions that would aid in his later escape. It was the first and not final time he'd use his body for something.

---

Anyway, I think him and Hope would vibe hard. He'd never really see her for too long or too often and the one time he tried sneaking into her cell, he was beat to unconsciousness. But I like to think they were good for each other. After years of torture and mind breaking, Gortash would have lost all hope, only for Hope herself to remind him that this was only temporary and his story was not over. He'd persevere. And he believed her.

I don't think he saw Raphael himself all too often, both by choice and not. He was often away, but the times he wasn't, everyone in the House was on edge, little Gortash included. The first time he was called to the main room, Raphael probably told him to indulge in the food with a smile. Being a scrawny 9 y/o, Enver of course did, he'd never seen a feast like this in his whole life.

"Tsk. Too trusting." Raphael commented with some lace of disappointment.

".. Only of my new master." The little boy replied, testing the waters. Raphael's pleased smile was all he needed to know he'd struck gold.

"Very good. Care to prove how smart you really are?" And that was the first time he was invited to a game of lanceboard with the devil.

They played once a week, whenever it struck the devil's fancy, and it was a sort of downtime for Enver too. Each game, he gleaned more, as the devil not once explained the rules to him. At every loss, he got struck across the face by his giant claw, forcing him to become better and adding to his collection of scars. Each game, the little boy became quieter, more observant and nervous, striving to be two steps ahead, three, five, seven. Until his first win.

He'd pushed the winning move before he realised what exactly it'd entail. Raphael should be impressed, right? Reward him somehow? Maybe, if the big bitch wasn't such a sore loser. He used it as an excuse to explain that even if they played together, they'd never be equals, not in mind or strength or ability. It was foolish of Enver to believe it so. He threw the boy to Nubaldin and told him to not stop for 3 days and 3 nights. Gortash couldn't breathe or walk or move afterwards, but he did know one thing -

Raphael could be beat.

#sorry for rambling #thnx for the ask anon #anon #asks #bg3 #bg3 gortash #bg3 raphael #bg3 hope #house of hope #gortash #enver gortash #baldurs gate 3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate #baldurs gate

[calumthoodshands]

LUKE HEMMINGS for TUSH magazine

- Tailor made -

On stage, Luke Hemmings is living his bloom, For Givenchy Beauty, the butterfly follows a different trail of scent.

Von Domen & Van De Velde - Into the flowerbed -

Interview by Afra Ugurlu.

It's pouring rain in L.A. when Luke Hemmings joins our zoom call. Just in time, the frontman of 5 Seconds of Summer (5SOS) finds refuge in his car on the side of a quiet road, not far from the big Hollywood sign. A look in the rear-view mirror: At the age of barely 16, Luke and his bandmates from 5SOS found themselves in the middle of an international fanbase. Their songs enthralled especially because of the band's juvenile euphoria, and the Australians quickly soared to new heights in the middle of the YouTube madness of the 2010s. But what happens when boybands grow up? After a decade of pop punk influences and with a little more chest hair, Luke took upon a solo career path for the first time and in 2021 released his debut album “When facing the things we turn away from”; a whole new insight into the obstacles and the success of the last years, he later reveals.

Almost 10 years have passed since “She looks so perfect” and “Don’t stop”. What has the last decade been like for you?

I'm living my dream, what else can I say? It was all very intense. You just accepted whatever came at you. For eleven years, for as long as I grew up, that’s been my whole life. Quite crazy, all the stuff that just came flying at us. I don't know whether we would have allowed ourselves this, even if rather short, break if not for the pandemic. Usually it all feels so fast-paced, I often have to pause to mentally take it all in—if you asked me to describe the last decade, then it’d consist of so many moments like that.

Did you ever feel like you were missing out on certain things and experiences during all that hustle and bustle?

I think they were very formative years, so there are probably some life skills I missed out on. In retrospect, you wonder: when was I supposed to learn that? And then you try to somehow fill those gaps. I had to emotionally catch up, but also with things like doing laundry, running errands and so on. There are some more significant matters, like not being close to my family, not to mention that I was missing my home in general. But then you start to put all those thoughts into another perspective: we did what we always wanted to do: write music and perform.

I remember 2014 and 2015, black, ripped skinny jeans and vans. How do you see yourself now, regarding your style?

Pop punk has always been a huge inspiration, and it was simply the style of all these bands like Green Day, Blink 182 and Silverchair. Back then, I was an absolute late bloomer and had to first of all grow into my own identity. I think it was similar with the other guys. We had found a thing that worked, and just stuck with it. It also just felt like a risk to me, doing something other than that, especially in front of an audience. Around the time of our third album, I started to open up a bit more. Our music was changing, and with it our style. At that point I understood myself a little bit better. From then on it just kind of evolved, and I think it still does.

By now you are someone who likes to step out and look beyond the binary. Was that always something that you were interested in or did you rather find yourself getting into it step by step over time?

Where I grew up, people weren’t open at all, everyone wore the same thing. For a long time, it simply wasn’t even on my radar. And of course, I’m not doing anything that someone else hasn't already done before me. I think it was in 2017 when I just started experimenting with glitter and nail polish. From that moment on it all evolved a bit, but it's actually always been something that fascinated me. It just took a while for me to find that part of myself. I feel pretty doing it, and who doesn't want to feel that way? If you only go on stage with a tracksuit, that might be cool. But I'm not an extrovert, quite the opposite, and when I perform and feel so much bigger, it's almost like playing a character. The makeup only emphasises that and turns me into someone who is not introverted and lost in thought. That's the origin of it all, so to speak.

How can we overcome these toxic gender perceptions and behavioural patterns, and heal?

I think a lot of the stigma we experience comes from people projecting their own insecurities onto us. I understand it better now because I grew up in a place that was very toxic in that regard. I'm from West Sydney, which was very conservative. If you’re a man, you have to be really ‘masculine’ and I think that's just complete nonsense. And I think that just sticks with you, growing up like that. There was a time when I came home and didn't want to wear makeup on stage. There was no way I would have done that, whereas now I just do what I'm most comfortable with. Personal growth means putting yourself first and accepting that people will think what they want either way. So really, you should just do whatever you want. That’s the way I'm trying to see it now. It sounds very simple and banal, but I wouldn’t know how else to put it.

Congratulations, by the way, on the release of your first solo album, “When facing the things we turn away from”. Which things do you want to turn away from this year and what else is there to come for you?

I’m facing myself and trying to be more open with the way I deal with stuff. My wish is to just enjoy everything a little bit more. I constantly worry about what might happen tomorrow. I’m not really present or enjoying the moment to the fullest. Everyone probably says that, but I believe it's more important than ever to live in the here and now. We're always looking for the next thing. You want to be at home when you're out and about, on the road when you’re at home. Only when it's over do you see what you actually had going for yourself, and are frustrated; so no ‘Live Fast, Die Young’. But I also think that this year will be a creative one for me. I want to try out new things. We’ll see which doors are going to open for me.

What kind of creative directions are you thinking about?

I can't really say yet. But also in general I don't want to limit myself by excluding new paths. Doing something by myself musically like the album was very intimidating at first. In the end, though, it was very encouraging as well because it was the first time in a long time that I tried something new again. Obviously I love being in the band, it’s my home base. But the solo album is something I never thought I’d be capable of, and now that I know that I am it’s definitely something I want to pursue further.

How do you manage working both on your solo career and with the band at the same time, and are there any points of overlap?

I have a feeling that with the first album it was a bit easier. We were in lockdown and everything on the band's schedule had to be cancelled. Suddenly, I had more free time than in the last 10 years together. I don’t think I would have made a solo album if it didn't come about this way. With four people in the band, all great songwriters and each having their own projects in the pipeline, I feel like it's actually for everyone’s benefit to give other things a try as well. I wondered what it could be like to produce a song from start to finish, and learned so much in the process. Afterwards, when I return to the band, it makes me feel like I know so much more about the recording process and can thus also be a better band member.

How did writing and composing for only yourself change your overall sound?

I don't know whether it significantly changed my sound, but I feel more confident than ever. When you're in a band, you have the luxury to lean on other people and ask: What do you think of this? Do you think it's good, or should we change this? Or someone will encourage you when you're on the right track, telling you to keep going. With this, the only input came from myself. I had to trust my instincts and first of all understand what my own sound really did sound like.

You have no features on your album. Was it important to you to create your first solo album by yourself?

After 10 years on tour, it was quite good to be alone for once and deal with my subconscious. The album is so personal and emotional to me, it didn't really lend itself to include any features. Maybe someday, but I think it has to fit perfectly then. And who knows what’s coming soon. But I think the point and purpose of doing something by yourself is to get accustomed to working without your usual tools.

What did you learn about yourself while working on “When facing the things we turn away from”?

Newfound empathy and love towards myself. The stories of these songs and the lyrics are mostly things I’m dealing with for the very first time. It's almost like writing a diary, you don't have any idea how to start. You sit down and something comes out of it, and that’s what you then try to decipher.

#5sos #luke hemmings #sololuke #hope this helps! #if you click on the title you'll find the photos @ meg's post!

[peanut-butter-parkerxx]

Brushstrokes of New Orleans: 003

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⋆♱✮☽🦇☽✮♰⋆

∘₊✧─ 𝐄𝐥𝐢𝐣𝐚𝐡'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕 ─✧₊∘

The moon was casting its silvery glow over the garden, I watched as Penny's eyes danced with excitement at the sight of the hidden artifacts nestled among the foliage. Her enthusiasm was infectious, her passion for art and history a beacon of light in the darkness.

But as the hour grew late and the stars began to twinkle overhead, I knew it was time for us to retire for the night. Penny had only recently moved to New Orleans for school, and there was still so much she had yet to learn about this city and its rich history.

"Penny," I said gently, my voice breaking through the quiet of the night. "I think it's time for you to get some rest. We have a lot planned for tomorrow." Penny turned to me with a smile, her eyes sparkling with anticipation. 

"But I'm not tired," she protested, her voice filled with excitement. I couldn't help but chuckle at her enthusiasm, but I knew that she needed her rest if she was going to be able to fully appreciate all that New Orleans had to offer.

"I know you're eager to explore," I replied, my voice soft but firm. "But trust me, you'll need your rest for what I have planned tomorrow."

As we strolled through the garden, the fragrance of night-blooming flowers filled the air, wrapping us in a cocoon of tranquility as we made our way back to the mansion. Despite the late hour, there was a sense of peace that settled over us. Once we reached the steps leading up to the mansion, I turned to Penny with a smile. 

"What would you like for breakfast tomorrow?" I asked, my voice filled with warmth. Penny's eyes sparkled with excitement at the prospect of a new day. 

"Hmm, how about pancakes?" she replied, her voice bubbling with enthusiasm. "With fresh fruit and a side of bacon, if that's not too much trouble." 

"Consider it done," I said, my tone playful. "I'll make sure it's ready for you first thing in the morning."

 "Goodnight, Elijah," she smiled, her voice soft with affection.

"Goodnight, Penny," I replied, returning her smile. And with that, we bid each other farewell. I couldn't shake the feeling of warmth that lingered in my chest. It was a feeling I hadn't experienced in centuries, a sense of connection that transcended time and space. But before I could dwell on it further, a familiar voice broke through the quiet of the night, sending a shiver down my spine. 

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Klaus's voice rang out from behind me, his tone dripping with mischief. I turned to find Klaus standing there with a smirk, his eyes alight with amusement. 

"Seems like someone's got a little crush," he teased, his grin widening at my expense. I rolled my eyes at his taunts, refusing to give him the satisfaction of a reaction. 

"Don't be ridiculous, Klaus," I replied coolly, crossing my arms over my chest. "Penny is simply a colleague, nothing more." Klaus chuckled at my denial, his laughter echoing in the stillness of the night. 

"Oh, come on, Elijah, even I can see the way you look at her," he said, his voice laced with amusement. "It's written all over your face." I shot him a withering glare, my patience wearing thin. 

"Enough, Klaus," I said firmly. "This is not the time or place for your games." But Klaus was undeterred, his grin widening as he leaned in closer. 

"You know, brother, you should be careful," he said, his tone turning serious. "Penny doesn't know the first thing about our kind, about the hatred and cruelty that comes with being a vampire." I sighed heavily at his words, knowing he spoke the truth. "I'm well aware of the dangers, Klaus," I replied, my voice tinged with resignation. "But I won't let anything happen to her. I'll protect her with my life if need be."

"Just remember, brother," he said, his voice a whisper in the night, "she's human, and we're not. No matter how much we may wish otherwise."

"I know," I said quietly, my voice barely above a whisper. "But for now, let's focus on keeping her safe."

With that, Klaus clapped me on the shoulder, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Agreed," he said, his grin returning in full force. "But let's not forget to have a little fun along the way."

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

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#elijah mikaelson #elijah mikaelson x reader #elijah mikaelson x female reader #the originals #klaus mikaelson #vampire #dark fantasy #vampire romance #new orleans #daniel gillies #peanutbutterparker

[aesterea]

I fell in love for the first time. I think it'll tear me apart because that's what it did to my parents, but I think I'll let it

hi anon 💙

i’m sorry i took so long to respond to this. i had to spend a long time thinking about it. i don't know how much you really wanted from me, but you have my thoughts here under the cut nonetheless. 

first, i want to say i’m so happy for you! i think falling in love is one of the best, most wonderful things in life—for the feeling of it and for all the doors it opens. the first time especially, it cracks us open. it introduces us to new parts of ourselves and changes the way we see the world. i think that’s why it’s so terrifying; it asks us to transform. 

there’s so much vulnerability required in that process. and we know it doesn't always (or often) go well. those of us who grew up with examples of particularly bad relationships tend to be especially wary. 

when i was younger, i fully believed love was some kind of delusion that drove people to behave stupidly, and that all romantic relationships were hurtling toward some terrible end—the utter destruction of those involved, some miserable facade of companionship that left them feeling hollow, or (at best) a disenchantment that eventually freed them from the delusion. i wasn’t afraid of falling in love so much as i rejected it… still, when it happened… everything i thought i knew—about life and about myself—exploded like a star.

you sent such a short message, but it reminds me so much of myself. “i think it’ll tear me apart” and “i think i’ll let it.” i want to reach out and hug you, and i want to sit with you for six hours talking over hot chocolate. there's so much i wish i could say to my younger self, but at least i can share some of it with you, and i know we’re different people and your path will be different from mine, but maybe it can help you.

i think the worst mistake i ever made was to cross my own boundaries. i don’t think there’s any chance of overstating how much hope is involved when you fall for someone. the optimism and idealism (and the rarely-mentioned boost in courage) inherent in the experience makes us more willing to risk pain (longing, loss, betrayal…). i also don't think there’s any chance of real love without a willingness to get hurt, and all important relationships involve difficult emotions. but i have this dangerous tendency of thinking, “love is so precious, and now that i have it, i’ll do anything to make it work.” or even, “i love you so much, i’ll forgive anything if we can keep trying to work together.” that stubbornness and desperation and fear of loss… it’s poisonous. i’ve been hurt in a lot of ways, but the worst heartbreak did not come from loss or betrayal or even someone treating me badly—it was the sense that i had betrayed myself. healing is so much harder when you're wondering if you can trust yourself, because no matter how things go, you're the one who has to get you through.

maybe you’ll get hurt. we always run that risk. maybe you’ll be happier than you ever knew was possible. we just don't know! but you must be able to trust yourself to set and enforce boundaries, and if you find that your relationship is damaging to you, then you must be willing to walk away. 

i don’t meant to scare you or preach to you or anything. if this isn't what you wanted, i hope you will forgive me. i’m 22 years old and still figuring it out—i certainly have no great wisdom to share. it’s just… “i think i’ll let it.” your words resonate so deeply within me, it feels wrong not to offer you what i’ve learned. what i’m learning. 

i don't want to discourage you at all from embracing all the magic of the experience. the warm, happy glow, the lightness and the weight, how the world becomes more beautiful around you. feeling so safe, you want to sink down, curl up, and sleep inside the feeling. at the same time, feeling so happy, giddy, sparkly, all you want to do is laugh and dance. finally understanding all those songs and books and movies, and marveling at all the feelings you didn't think you’d ever feel, didn’t know you could feel, and suddenly becoming aware of how much the world has to offer you… there is nothing quite like this. 

#i am... wordy #best wishes to you anon 💖💖💖💖💖 #replies #anika speaks #///// #on love #on relationships #on my mind

[kart0]

Let's talk shall we ? I have big news

Hey guys, it's been quite some time since we chatted huh ?

Well, I have something I need to confess. Ever since I was a kid I never really cared too much about gender, and roles, and how we played. I was just a kid. I liked and had lots of fun dressing up as a man, wearing ties, being shirtless and on diapers. But also wearing my mom's heels and putting on her lipstick. It didn't matter

I'd do what I wanted, when I wanted.

Things started to get more serious as I grew up though. On my early teens I decided I wasn't interested on makeup, at all. And I wasn't "like the other girly girls". I hung out with a bunch of boys and we'd have fun too. But I felt weird at times. That's when I got closer to my girl friends. They were awesome and we were very, very close, for some time as well.

But I never felt home. Accepted. Comfortable. I never felt like I belonged for real, anywhere at all, and I still do have problems with that...

And then I was a teen. Started to learn more about the world, about lgbt culture. I learned about different genders. And that's what we're going to talk about on this post.

This is my coming out letter.

When I was 12 I read the Percy Jackson series. I was never truly interested in reading as kid. But my Portuguese teacher said we had to read it for class so I did. And I fell in love. And I was an avid reader, I learnt. I read one book per day. Everyday. I was amazed with Percy. He was incredible. He was everything I wanted to be.

He was everything to me.

But.

I felt something so deep, a crushing feeling I couldn't describe, that it hurt so so so much, whenever I read fanfics or saw too much fanart, or tried to be a part of the fandom.

Then later I found out it was envy. I wanted to be him so bad it hurt. I wanted to be like him, but not only have his personality, no, I wanted to look exactly like him.

I had to distance myself from the fandom and the books and I was fine for some time.

I forced myself not to care about my looks. I pretended that I didn't know what I wanted. I tried to be edgy and cool. Then I tried to look sweet and innocent. 2023 I really, really put an effort and learnt how to do makeup. I wore foundation and glittery eyeshadows and lipstick. And I felt pretty.

But. It wasn't enough for me. I felt ok most of the time, like it was acceptable. It bothered it annoyed but it was fine. In reality though I knew what I wanted.

And well, I'm bringing up Percy Jackson again. I really really liked the books. And now the series is streaming on Disney. I refused to watch it for some reason.

I think I forgot, y'know. Why I avoided and stopped liking it.

But, curse you TikTok, it started appearing on my fyp and ugh, I liked some of the videos. And now because of the algorithm it's only showing me pjo tiktoks.

Maybe I knew, deep inside, that I had to go through this discomfort. This pain, yet again. I needed to accept myself. So I kept on watching, and scrolling, until I was sobbing, lying on my bed. Feeling extremely upset.

Why wasn't I born a man. Why do I was born with curves, and boobs. Why. Why why why why why. And I cried and cried, all the pain I felt accumulated all these years.

I am coming out today because I feel finally ready and brave to accept this part of me.

I am transgender.

So are you a man ? Hm, honestly, I don't know for sure. I think I'm a girl too, sometimes. Like it doesn't bother me too much. I feel like I still need to learn and read a lot to comprehend what I feel and who I am. But for now, I'll go for unlabeled and just say I'm nonbinary. Crazy huh ? Took me 21 years to figure it out.

I'm not coming out to my family, I will never. They won't understand, and won't try to. They won't like it. And I love my family more than anything in this world. I don't want to lose them and I don't want them to look at me differently. I don't care if I'm still their little girl. I will keep being their little girl forever. Doesn't bother me.

I don't care that my friends or my irls still refer me as a woman either. Cuz sometimes I feel like a woman. I dress like a woman.

So... What will change then, you may ask ?

Firstly, hm... I don't think much will change. I will refer myself as a man on social media. I will use he him pronouns and I will say I have a massive, huge fucking dick. Heh. Makes me laugh.

I think what mattered to me first was just coming to terms that yeah, I am trans. And this is how I feel. And who cares if nothing changes. It's my own fucking life.

I'm scared of medical procedures and I don't want to transition. For now. As I mentioned before, I don't want to scare my family. I don't want to lose them. Do I wish I was born a male ? Yes. Do I wish, I looked like a man ? Of course. But for now, looking like a woman will have to do the job.

But what's fun is that I'm on art school. Everyone's fucking gay !!!!! And nobody cares how you dress ! So this will be fun now that I feel free. I can do whatever the fuck I want.

This post is too long and I'm so sorry. I wish I could thank Percy for giving me the "splash" haha and making me learn more about myself.

And now I can live my life without the guilt I carried before.

Happy 2024 everyone

#me #coming out #transgender #surprise i was an egg all this time #life update that for once isn't a rant #life update

[circulars-reasoning]

Kindness and Anger

Look.

There is a major issue right now, in syscourse, about being too kind.

It's funny for me to say that -- after all, I'm the "respectability politics" syscourser, am I not? (And no, I have literally never forgotten that label being shoved on me). And the thing is, I really try not to be an asshole in syscourse, or overly pedantic, or just flat out mean -- because I'm a nice person, for fucks sake.

But that still doesn't negate that anger -- and yes, the occasional unkindness -- is needed. This constant shoving down of anger, this constant ridicule of passion and heat, is leading to a lot of incredibly traumatized people being incredibly hurt. Case in point: Me.

What follows is sort of half trauma dump, half vent, and all parts frustration that I'm trying to let out healthily. If you'd like the short version:

TL;DR: While syscourse can be harmful, it can also lead to a lot of joy. It can lead to new understandings. People telling me to back off, to not take it so seriously, are undermining a lot of that and echoing a lot of my past trauma. We should all be more willing to understand the impact these discussions have in real life.

I shoved down a lot of feelings these past few months. Shocker of all shockers, seeing lies being spread about myself and the people I love and the places I've worked to curate sort of pisses me off! But the message from everyone around me was "ignore the trolls, don't pay attention, don't engage--" And it promptly became translated into, "You aren't allowed to openly feel bad, and anyone being upset is a bad thing that needs to be fixed." I don't think this was intentional for many people. They were worried about me hurting.

But the issue was, these people -- traumatized people who have repeatedly been taught that their emotions are harmful -- were telling me that my emotions were harmful. Unsurprisingly, I suddenly was shoved back into this role of looking at and moderating every emotion.

I unmuted every vent room in every server I moderated for (and those I don't). I obsessively stalked many blocks I had blocked, simply to ensure I could brace myself for whatever thing might potentially upset someone else (not even myself -- I didn't care about those emotions). I even forced many of my friends -- the people who were watching me get hit and harassed and battered down every single goddamn day, who were worried about me, who wanted desperately to speak out against the heinous goddamn shit I was experiencing, who they themselves were experiencing -- to stay silent and bottle up their own emotions too.

You know what that all reminds me of?

Being available for those venting reminds me of that time I made sure notifications were on the night a friend sent me a suicide note -- one they later admitted was completely false, that they just were bored and wanted someone to talk to, and that would get me the most engaged. I was stressed by finals but instead of studying or taking care of myself, I stayed on the phone, texting with them for 3 straight hours, bawling my eyes out in fear. I was 18, and I never really grew out of this. I still sacrifice time and energy for people that not only don't deserve it, but who manipulate me into being there for them, no matter what. I don't know if I'll ever heal from that mentality.

Stalking the blogs I had blocked to make sure I knew everything, all of the time, no matter what? What a shocker for someone who memorized the squeaky spots on the floor, made sure to eavesdrop while walking silently through the house, learned to hide in the bathroom where they thought I couldn't hear them, made sure to open the window just a crack so I could hear them outside. To this day, I try to know everything, try to have google on hand, just in case someone asks me for more of my "somehow encyclopedic knowledge" on everything. People rely on me for that. I'm connected to everything, so nobody else has to be.

Making everyone else step back? How inventive, a traumatized person isolating themselves. I forced every single person around me (just like I always do) to pretend it was all fine, because if it wasn't all fine, then things would be bad, and if things were bad, I would melt down, and it would clearly be my fault, because wasn't it always, somehow, in the past?

(I'm still the most sorry about this one. I'm still trying to swallow that guilt and shame I have for letting it get that far, for hurting the people I love so much, just because I convinced myself I was just being stupid for being hurt, like I was always taught in my abuse. I'm so sorry to those of you who I forced to stay silent, just to keep the peace. You deserved so much better.)

Suffice to say -- it took removing myself from a lot of spaces for a cold shock to my system, splitting and not being able to be myself for a straight month, for me to even recognize this is what happened. It was so normalized for me, all my life. I had to emotionally regulate my parents, so it made sense that I had to emotionally regulate everyone else -- particularly when I was one of the people who was hurting.

All because "We can't let ourselves appear too angry -- that's not healthy for us."

As if how I became was healthy. As if the ball of anxiety and health problems I became, as if the nightmares and triggers I was experiencing were healthy. As if losing months at a time was fucking healthy for me. It took me until recently (and until today, writing this post, editing it, and reviewing it while panicking that I'm going to ruin everything if I ever post this) to even realize just how badly this hurt me.

I'm still flinching when I express a negative emotion to my partner. I had gotten over this. I had gotten better. Stabilized. But these past few months, forcing myself to be silent about my pain, forcing myself to not talk about anything negative... I slipped back. I let myself buy into the idea that my anger was ridiculous. That being so passionate was harmful. And look, Lord knows I've been vocal about how syscourse has hurt me. There were so, so many times where my anger took over, where I let myself become a person I look back on and cringe at, because that's just not who I want to be. But there's something called a window of tolerance -- or, as my queer ass therapist calls it, the rainbow of tolerance -- where you find a middle ground. You don't go to either extreme.

And I see a lot of major syscoursers lately (whether they consider themselves major or not) going to one extreme or the other, in their own ways.

In one camp, we have the polite overlords of kindness, hiding every shitty awful thing they say in a veneer of positivity and rainbows. Remarkably, no matter how nice something sounds, or how passionate someone is while being polite, it doesn't make it true, or somehow less harmful.

In another camp, we have the most obsessed goddamn people alive, raging about every little thing and making a post every 5 seconds about every little thing. The rage could be quiet or loud, but it's always just constant stirring of drama. (Looking at you, anti-endos posting incessantly recently about how much they hate endos...)

In yet another camp, and possibly the thing I want to address the most with this post, is those who are brushing syscourse off entirely. It's gaining more and more popularity nowadays. "How are you all caring so much about online discourse" types. "This isn't changing anything" types. The ones who insist that REAL activism happens in real life, and that this is so niche and small that it doesn't have any real impact to "just go and scream on tumblr about your feelings."

This is the one that's hurting me the most, right now, as I look back at a few years of being in syscourse. Because I managed to buy into it wholeheartedly these past few months. I managed to convince myself that this thing -- this place I love, the people I love -- were all wrong, and not only that, but were somehow self harming via this. That I was hurting myself by caring so deeply about misinformation, that I was actively self harming and encouraging others to do so, simply by engaging.

First and foremost: yes. Syscourse can absolutely be harmful. I am not trying to suggest it isn't. I have literally never suggested it isn't, and have vocally said it is harmful, multiple times, across several blogs.

Secondly, and far, far more importantly for this discussion: Syscourse can be beautiful.

I'm reminded of how I met a very, very dear friend -- @justanothersyscourse was the actual blog I'd talked to at the time -- and what I learned in that moment. I was sitting in a Covid testing line, terrified out of my wits, as a part who could barely comprehend anything he was reading online about disorders and dysfunction. He was trying desperately to understand, mostly because he had always been strong before, and now he felt so weak, being the way we were.

And he reached out to this major syscourser -- someone who seemed so angry about "something that's only online," about such a "niche topic that doesn't relate to the real world" -- and asked him, plainly, what was wrong with him. What was making him the way he was? Was everyone right about dysfunction and distress? Did he have to hate who he was just to be real?

And the overwhelming answer was, "No, and you are loved, because you exist, and you deserve it for that reason alone."

SAS didn't say as much in so many words -- actually there were a lot more words and sources thrown about, as well as olive branches all around. It burned me inside to reach out to him (he was anti-endo, after all, and I was not), but he still reached out to me with respect and kindness -- even if he sometimes acts immature, or rudely, or with language that would make a sailor blush.

I came out that day somehow feeling better than I had in years (despite, yes, having Covid). Because finally, a part of me understood... I wasn't broken. I didn't need to hate who I was, this fragmented self I was, because that's not what the criteria meant.

I want to ask each and every person who looks at syscourse with a disdain and dismissal, or who feels the need to post some swarmy holier-than-thou post about how above it they all are, or to remark on how everyone is too passionate and needs to take a step back, regardless of where they're actually at...

How in the 9 hells can I agree with you when I've had these experiences?

Again. I've been hurt by syscourse -- I feel the need to keep mentioning that, just because I know some of you fuckers are going to take this all to mean that I love syscourse too much, and that I'm too supportive of it, or god forbid that I'm fucking self harming by finally opening up about all of this. But the fact is, syscourse has helped me understand so much more about who I am, about the disorder I live with, and has led me to other avenues of research I never would've looked at otherwise. I've started studying Jung -- someone I had ZERO interest in before recently, I had to research far too much about him for my English degree as it is -- all because of the "Studies Proving Endogenic Systems" list I've been working through. I've started buying up self-help textbooks, because syscourse caused me to understand that my experience with therapists was NOT the norm, and most people DO need to work on self-help, and i wanted to understand their perspectives.

How is this not impacting people's lives?!

Of course I'm going to take this seriously. I take it as seriously as I take my teaching. I might not be changing the world, or changing laws. I might be working within a flawed system. But at the very least, if I can make one kid's life better -- give them someone like them to look up to, to relate to, who can give them the ability to make their own choices and learn more while advocating for myself --  then it's worth it.

And that's what I aim for in syscourse. If I can make one person -- singlet, system, plural, collective, whatever have you -- understand themselves or others a little bit better... Is that not, in it's own way, activism? Is that not, in it's own way, changing the world?

And if the answer is "no" then... what the fuck is the point of communication, or socializing, or trying to debate anything, anywhere?

Ugh. Lord, I've rambled so long, I can barely think about everything I've written. Bullet points time.

Syscourse can be harmful, and I won't say it isn't. As someone who has been obsessed with it in the past, who has used it to harm myself, and sometimes still does -- that harm doesn't go away on its own.

Syscourse is also beautiful. We CAN have good conversations, make close friends, and learn more about ourselves through these discussions.

If we don't try to combat that misinformation that's in this space, if we don't try our best to heal this space, then how is it ever going to recover?

I am a person that exists in real life. Syscourse isn't just a chronically online thing -- IT DOES have an impact in the real world! Stop devaluing passion and heat and anger just because you feel like you're so much more above it because you are clearly the person who knows better than everyone else, simply because you "Cracked the code" and somehow figured out how to syscourse unharmfully (newsflash, asshole, so did a lot of people -- it's just not in the way you agree with).

Let yourself be mad. Let yourself be impolite. Don't let it completely overtake every moment of your day, every second of your life, but fucking let yourself be mad. It's okay to be upset!

I don't know how so many of us managed to forget that along the way.

#syscourse #long post #I have a LOT of thoughts on this matter #And a lot that's been bottled up for months #I'm doing my best to not molitov cocktail it at you all #But I'm also trying not to explode myself #I'm so fucking terrified to post this #Because of how far back all of this has set me #But I know ripping off the bandaid might be the best way to start healing #So here we go

[pianostarinwonderland]

fuck

i need to stop reading fanfics, i'm going to go insane at this rate.

anyway my knees are going weak at Ineffable Bloom by yomogi_mogi_mochi (I'm just gonna call them yomogi) cause like FUCK ok first of all, if you are interested in reading my ramble and then the fic, there's talks of like, hanahaki, emotional abuse, so careful about that.

next, i will say this fic has a lot left to be desired in terms of the technical side of writing (a few grammatical errors, for example (they misspelled Mostro but not even like Monstro, it gets farther from that to the point it's kinda funny)). but like. that ain't important because THIS FIC HAS SO MANY GOOD POINTS

I absolutely love how they depict MC as a childhood friend to the Octa trio and not only that but how they affect the Octa trio. They are notably much softer than their canon selves, but in a way that makes sense and it's not just serving to the readers?? A lot of fics that play around with the childhood friend trope tend to write them like their canon selves, like the presence of another friend didn't change them. It's not inherently a bad thing but often the MC is written to be kinder and such, so Octa being the same as the canon doesn't super match up ?? Like the MC's presence didn't matter. and on the other side of that, they're sooo soft that they start detaching from their personalities so then you don't see Jade, Floyd, and Azul, you just see three mushy guys that look and dress exactly like them.

but here, it's like yeah. this MC is defs on the kind and sensitive side. and you can see that their kindness changes the trio. yeAH tweels would be nicer and not just threatening. yES Azul wouldn't be just drafting up contracts and such to lure people into deals. They're more than their meanness, and especially you see this with Azul, who's being so accommodating and kind to MC. but like, the core part about each individual, the things that they learned, the things that make them unique and themselves, it's still retained. Floyd and Jade are still teasing and mean. Azul is still hardworking, and he definitely still does contracts.

in terms of childhood friend MC Octa fics, this one is really good.

ANOTHER POG THING ABOUT THIS FIC is that it really took an interesting take on hanahaki. like. like man. MAN. MC got flowers on their lungs because of a love for their mother that was not reciprocated?????? bro, yomogi could have taken the flower disease to the romance direction (like Azul initially didn't like them back) but holy shit, they went with FAMILY. and that's so SO SEXY???/ LIKE I NEVER CONSIDERED THAT AND THAT'S HONESTLY SOOOOO BIG BRAINED i . i love it. yeah :) also love that they actually did surgery for it and that they showed said EFFECTS of it, both physical and mental.

there were also moments that really broke me man. like. for example.

:-) cue intense sobs in the distance

no no because. fuck. you KNOW their throat is so badly damaged from all the surgeries and the flowers that grew in their lungs, you KNOW that as a result, they can't speak. and yet they'd almost speak just to say Azul's name. it's just. it's so. like. almost forgetting your disabilities or wounds cause you saw someone you love. like. what the fuck. actually, what the fuck.

then also this moment

I THINK ANY DISABLED PERSON WOULD BE INCREDIBLY TOUCHED THAT SOMEONE WOULD ACCOMMODATE TO THEM !!!

deadass read that and nearly choked like what the fuck. i'm not even mute or anything but like FUCK. and you Know Azul damn well studied the language just for MC!!!!!

and then we have this paragraph

new paragraph to make me feel oguhoghuhuouosdhosguohg

if i can sum up yomogi's writing in one paragraph, it's that paragraph. it's very poetic and freeflowing, it's very beautiful, it's soooo oughhhhhhhhh like, i'm kinda particular about the grammar, spelling esp, and spacing format in fics and this fic kinda hit my peeves for some of them admittedly but the writing makes me forgive it. cause it's that pretty like ohsguohdogdg the metaphors used it's soooooo good

man idk I just love the way they describe that giddiness and the sharp memory that you have for someone you love like DAMN DAMN THAT'S SO PERFECT, and i just love especially "the way his mole stretches across his chin, the world in his eyes" like. like GODDDDDDDDDD IT'S SO FUCKING PERFECT IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN WHY IT'S PERFEFCT IT JUST IS IT REALLY JUST. IS. PERFECT...

AND THEN WE HAVE THESE TWO

i'm gonna get diabetes at this rate MAN WHAT TEH FUCK

THE WAY THEY MIRROR EACH OTHER.........

"Spoil them, I don't care."

"Stain them, I don't care."

and it's in response to each other's tears.

lord i'm not your strongest soldier

#azul ashengrotto #ok i just realized i also was really weak to this one mettaton x mute reader fic i read years ago #damn do i just have a soft spot for x mute reader?? #anyway HKFSHDKJFDS GODDDD i should be working on other things but look at me being so poopoo #also this out here making me realize i have not given a proper review for The Blame Game which is singlehandedly the best Azul fic i've rea #I NEED TO MAKE THAT REVIEW CAUSE I'M GONNA SHIT MY PANTS IF I DON'T

[meissalambda]

I'm part of the millennial crowd who grew up on Harry Potter and now as an adult have had it blown to bits by JK Rowling being a horrible person.

But I wanna talk a bit about why I write some of the things I write.

I have 2 accounts on ao3 and I do separate my stuff, not coz I'm weird about it or anything but mostly just coz they're so different.

I've been obsessed with Sirius and Remus for years and like most people took All The Young Dudes to heart and dived into that as a whole new canon without, hopefully, the problematic connotations. When I was growing up, teenaged self wanted to know so much more about those guys. POA was always my favourite. I loved werewolves because I have an invisible chronic illness and there's something that sings to me about people not seeing that in you until they do and people expecting things from you due to your diagnosis. I've been told many atime that i can't possibly be tired because I'm too young etc. I saw Remus tired and struggling and related so hard to that.

Sirius though. I fucking love Sirius. Sirius has a problematic family that I could relate with, a bad relationship with his mother, and friends that he could rely on (which I so desperately wanted). I wanted to read so much about his life and how he survived to see how I could too. He's a dude, I see him punk, wearing black with tattoos and his hair all over and it's just so much like I wanted to be but was sorta scared of the family disapproval?

It doesn't matter so much now I'm older but I don't want to stop writing them particularly because I guess there could be other people who wanted the same thing as me. And the community is still alive and well even though we all agree that she sucks.

But also, I guess, I want to give them some kind of happiness because as an adult I've learned to live with my chronic illness, learned to accept it, have found a partner who is wonderful and it's nice to write about people who are just a bit older getting by in the realest way I can while being in love.

If I can bring someone a bit of joy, that means the world to me. And getting out all of that teenage angst is like free therapy haha.

#wolfstar #remus lupin #sirius black #atyd marauders #ao3 #writing #muse

[iwasbored777]

You know, looking at Gabriel and Nathalie, I love the subtile way of showing how abusive relationships work out and who gets the shorter end

Nathalie left him, after years of abuse that she allowed him thinking he'll change or he's not that bad, but now she might never walk again. She might never recover. Him? His panic attack is like a "heartbreak" of some sort. Like he lost that person in his life. But he still has everything he had before her and he got someone else. Now let's put ALL my jokes on this topic aside and you know I'm talking about Ikarimoth, I'm dead serious rn, Tomoe is a replacement for Nathalie - it's clear as a day - but let's not forget Nathalie was a replacement for Emilie. While Gabriel is insanely obsessed with Emilie his biggest obsession is power and he never has enough of it and all these women in his life that come and go are just his collateral damage. Gabriel moved on after a day or two, he found a new, as I would say "side piece", which is exactly what Tomoe and Nathalie both were to him. I don't necessarily mean this as a sexual thing, but they are all replaceable to him. He can find a new one tomorrow and what's Nathalie going to do now that she's moments away from death? She'll probably never walk on her own again, which is like a metaphor that it isn't only her medical condition that is permanently damaged - it's her life too. She spent years on him and her heart is broken and she was his victim. We don't know if Tomoe will run away when Gabriel first tries to put her in the same position or if she'll let it happen until it's too late and when she wakes up it's over. But for Nathalie, you see how she came back to watch Adrien sleep because her life was this family, it was Gabriel mostly, she doesn't have anything else in her life. And now that she's not with him anymore, she's got nothing left. Abusive relationships are like that, it's like you're a part of a cult - your life revolves around your abuser and he's your whole world and once he's gone you don't have anything else to live for because they isolated you from the happiness you used to know - he's doing the same to Adrien as you could recognise from the way I worded it out. While abusers, or more precisely, Gabriel, has a life, he has other things to do, you're not the only thing he lives for, and that's why the break up is never as troubling for him as it is to you. (I'm saying "him" because I'm talking about a man in this case but abusers can be women as well, I'm just giving you example)

But, what matters is, Nathalie came out of their relationship with scars, Gabriel didn't. The new companion, the new technology, the new suit - it's the new beginning for him. He can move on because he didn't depend on her, she depended on him and she still does because she grew attached to him emotionally, he didn't grow attached to her - at least not that much. So when you think about it, Nathalie didn't win, she lost, she lost long before she left. She's too old (not a grandma but you know what I mean) and too sick to restart her life and carry on. And that is why we should all learn a good lesson from this, not romanticise it, not idolise it, we should learn. She's not a representative of feminism and her horrible experience is not a slay 'girl slay girl power for life' moment, she's a victim of abuse and she reached the rock bottom. She's a survivor who made bad choices for her abuser, not a strong role model kids should look up to and before you say something against the writing the show DOESN'T represent her as such, they know what they're doing with her character. Whether we find it sympathetic or not her character arc is SAD and she's doomed and the writers truly have b*lls to write something like this in a show for kids.

#miraculous ladybug #nathalie sancoeur #Gabriel Agreste #Gabenath salt #Ml analysis #Nathalie analysis

[sea-side-scribbles]

Solas wakes up in the strange new world of his own making and it terrifies him. Frail and confused, he has to learn everything from scratch again. The more he learns, the more the world looks like a nightmare.

When he joins the Inquisition, he figures he's still not strong enough to withstand everything this world throws at him.

In the end, he made too many promises and he can't keep them all.

But who said the Din'anshiral would be easy?

___________________________                                                       

Part 1 | Chapter 1- ? | Right after uthenera, Solas is found by a Dalish clan. This goes well until it doesn't.

(Basically my excuse for world building and hilarious misunderstandings.)

Chapter 8

The next day, when Solas woke up late, his head was spinning from the events of last night. He moaned and shivered and startled Rosala awake like this. Struggling up, he felt strangely light, even though his limbs moved as slowly as always. He recalled that the Keeper had sprinkled something over him and he craved to know what it had been.

His pondering was disturbed by the touch of a snout against his cheek. Then he heard the excited clack of hooves on wood. Rosala looked eager to bring him out of the aravel. Solas wondered if it was time to refuse her help. It seemed that, even though he was stronger now and able to leave the aravel on his own, she insisted on dragging him. It was like she grew fond of helping him. And Solas didn't have it in his heart to refuse her.

He had to admit he nurtured the silly feeling that they bonded. That there was a chance they would become friends. He trusted her more than the clan. If anyone could escape the Evanuris' grip, it was most likely her. A tiny, seemingly harmless animal, easy to be underestimated. She could do things unnoticed. But Solas knew that this also counted for himself. He could underestimate her. She could be a more devoted and meaningful worshipper than the elves.

All the halla slept close to his aravel, if Alhannon was right. Did they worry so much about him, or was there more? He recalled how Rosala had blocked the way back yesterday. Apparently, the ritual didn't lead to his death, but first, he didn't know what the elves did to him and second, if they would decide to kill him, what side would she be on? It was unlikely she could save his life, but that wasn't what mattered to him. The bond mattered. Could he trust her or not?

Solas sighed and shook his head. It was the wrong way. Opening his heart to the first being he came across, only because it didn't act obviously hostile. It only proved the sorry state he was in. He needed to be patient. The snout poked him again, more eager this time. Looked like Rosala was about to lose her patience. He couldn't help smiling as he offered her his arm. Just one more time wouldn't hurt, right?

Soon, he sat outside, glancing over the camp. He hesitated to leave the aravel, because that light feeling had become a tingle, lingering in his body. It was faint, but nonetheless there. It seemed to come from the camp. Enclose it. What happened here? He looked at Rosala, who lay next to him. Her gaze upon the camp was relaxed. A few elves crossed paths in the distance. Everything seemed to be fine. Then the familiar scent of vallaslin told him that Temalas neared and he tensed.

He remembered that he didn't know how they would act around him now. His status had changed. But Temalas greeted him with the usual friendliness. “Morning, Revanas. I hope we didn't scare you too much yesterday.” Now Solas' skin crawled. There were two things he had suppressed until now: Temalas' voice, louder and distorted. A six-eyed figure, the embodiment of their evil. And Sylaise – good old cold hearted Sylaise, taking over the body of the Keeper, to everyone's delight. He couldn't believe the absurdity of this display. But then they had blessed him and given him a name. What did that all mean?

“Hello? Do you hear me?” Temalas' worried voice came through to him. He nodded slowly. “It's a lot to take in – again.” He gave him a faint smile, that quickly fell. “What happened yesterday? Why did you give me a name?” Temalas looked proud as he said: “Well, it was about time we gave you a proper joining in our clan. And you can't stay nameless forever, right? Keeper Avishalan suggested the name and we all liked it. 'Revanas' means 'spirit of freedom' in our ancient language. It's a good name for a new beginning, don't you think?” Solas rather found it ridiculous how they insisted on being free. Still, he wasn't blind for the image. If a slave would've come to him and asked for a new name, this would've been a good choice, considering the outrage it would've caused among the dear creators. He considered to accept this name and actually become their spirit of freedom. They didn't know how much they needed one and he had accepted that challenge long ago.

“Yes, it is. I sincerely hope I can live up to your expectations.” Temalas found he sounded strangely severe. “Hey, don't worry about it too much. You already achieved it. You're free.” Solas gave him another smile that didn't reach his eyes. “So...the whole ritual...it was about my joining? Nothing else?” “No, not only that. You know, it's rare that the creators become visible like that. It might happen once in a Keeper's lifetime. And Avishalan....she was certain it would happen and began preparations a few days ago. We didn't know what to expect...I...I still can't believe what I witnessed.” “But you knew what you were doing yesterday?” “Sure.” He grinned. “Did you like my Dread Wolf? It wasn't the first time I acted him. We enact the old stories on holidays, all kinds of memories. Arlathan, the Dales...We keep the memories alive like this.” The words flew out of his mouth. These rituals moved him more than telling the tales. “It feels as if we relive the ancient times, even for a short moment.”

“Did you...feel anything yesterday? The Dread Wolf?” He laughed. “I doubt he'd ever give me the honour, but I believe it had a meaning for Sylaise. Why else would she appear for this?” Solas didn't like the thought. “And the Keeper – is she alright?” “Yes. A little tired, but alright.” Temalas didn't want to admit he had been worried. Shortly after the dance, Avishalan had seemed to be caught in another world. He assumed connecting to a creator would drive a lesser soul crazy. That's why it never occurred to an apprentice. But he decided that Revanas shouldn't have to worry about these things. Nobody should. They were Keeper's burdens.

Solas didn't notice that Temalas omitted the truth. To him, alright didn't need to mean more than alive. He knew what Avishalan had faced. Probably. Oddly enough, it didn't have any consequences for him. Unless Sylaise would reveal more later. Was it really her? Or maybe a memory that the Keeper found in the beyond? Whatever the case, he just wanted to get out before Sylaise got any more obvious.

“Who was the woman? The dancer in white?” “Leaman, the Keeper's Second. She's stunning like that, right?” “Did she also bond with someone? She appeared to obey the clan's song.” He shook his head. “Not with the creators. But it's true she has a bond with the clan in these moments. Nights like these bring us closer to what we're meant to be.” Temalas sighed mournfully. Puppets, Solas thought.

“So...how do you feel about walking today?”, Temalas asked him promptly. “Er....Solas was puzzled by his directness. “Of course...” When he slipped down, Temalas was quickly by his side. “Easy. I just ask because Avishalan has a task for us.” “For us? What does she want?” “Relax. We don't have to hurry, just see how far we get today.” “And what we'll do if we get there...you won't tell me?” Temalas spread his arms. “Why would I spoil the fun?” Solas withstood the urge to snap at him. Instead, he began to move his legs. After all, he indeed wanted to see how far he got today.

“I wish you would be less secretive with these things, servant of Dirthamen”, he said after a while. “If you told me about the joining, it would've saved me a lot of stress.” “But it was way more exciting this way, wasn't it?” “Temalas!” The tone would've made the First back away, if he didn't have to hold the upset elf. “I'm sorry, this is our way”, he insisted. “When life rewards us, we're not just told about it. We're taken by surprise and it feels even better this way. Be honest, if I told you about the clan gathering for your joining, you would've hidden in your aravel all night.” “Do you take me for a coward?” “This has nothing to do with cowardice. It's caution.” “And you think you know better when said caution is needed?” “Well...I'm just saying you can trust me. Trust us.” “I...I suppose I have no choice than to put my trust in you.” “That's not the answer I hoped for, but it'll do. Look, you're doing much better today. After Sylaise blessed you. If that's not a reason to trust us, I don't now what is.”

Indeed, Soals had less trouble keeping himself upright. He had been so focused on their conversation that he hadn't noticed it himself. Startled, he stopped. If Sylaise did this to him... Well, it would again prove that they wanted him stronger. He wasn't ready for the branding yet. And he had no choice but to use everything they gave him to his advantage.

When he went on moving, he paid attention to his body. The lightness, the tingle seemed to fill him now. The entire camp sang it's song. If this was Sylaise...Shouldn't Temalas feel it, too? “Do you feel different today?” He eyed the First who didn't seem to understand the question. “I mean...after your creator showed herself...did it change you?” Temalas feared Revanas began to dig into what he should avoid. “Other than my bloated pride? No, I don't think so.” Solas again considered that Temalas might not know better.

When they passed a group of elves, he noticed something else. Temalas felt different compared to them. The tingle seemed to resonate only with him. Solas didn't sense anything similar from the other Dalish. They remained silent. It could've been the staff, but curiously, Solas doubted it. The elves greeted Temalas, then him with his new name, but otherwise they kept their distance. Perhaps it was the First they avoided?

After walking through the camp for a while, passing the aravels he had always seen from far away, they went to the right, further into the woods. “Where are we going?” The question slipped. As much as he wanted to leave the camp, leaving it with Temalas didn't sound like a good idea. “You'll see”, the First stated the obvious. Solas meant to roll his eyes, but his gaze fell on something else and he froze immediately. An archer stood in the distance, closer to the trees, with her back turned to him. She drew her bow. With a pang of betrayal in his chest, Solas stared back at Temalas. The First assumed his questions. “That's just Rasanor, our first hunter. Of course she's up already and shooting her first arrows to warm up.” “What is she aiming at?”, Solas hissed, but at the same time she released the arrow. He flinched.

“Just the targets in the trees. For practise.” Temalas was puzzled by Revanas' fear. Was he scared of arrows? Something that happened in his past? Did his master...use them to scare him? A city elf once had told the clan how shemlen used elves as targets. The thought made him swallow hard. “You don't have to worry about our dear huntress. See, nothing happened.”

He let Revanas watch her shoot another arrow and the elf flinched again. He needed to realize that the hunter was no threat. Then Temalas put a hand on his shoulder. “Come on, let's go, before she notices us staring.” “Would that anger her?” “No, but she loves to brag. She'd make us watch all of her shots and we don't have time for that now. We have someplace to be.” “I thought we didn't have to hurry.” Now Temalas stopped. “Are you serious? You want to watch her?” Solas didn't fancy standing next to an archer that was most likely not on his side, but if it delayed the odd task the Keeper had chosen for them...

“We can do that on the way back”, Temalas decided and dragged him on. “If you say so.” “Revanas, how can I cheer you up? This isn't the time for sulking. If I wasn't so terrible at telling jokes...” “I'm not sulking, I'm only cautious.” Temalas' expression became more serious. “I'm afraid we have to be quiet now anyway.” Solas looked at him. “And I guess you won't tell me why?” “Aren't you a smart lad. But you don't have to worry about anything. Just follow my lead. You'll figure it out once you've seen it.” “But what if I don't?” Solas indeed worried. “I don't understand most things you do.” “This will be easy.” Solas now really rolled his eyes.

The First only gave him a slap on the back. “Come on.” Silently, they continued their stroll though the woods. Solas sensed how he drew strength from the tingle that unfortunately became weaker the further they went away from the camp. His breath became heavier. Temalas noticed it and held him close again. Solas was even too focused on the tingle to be embarrassed. They came to a halt in what seemed to be the middle of the forest. Solas didn't know why it would be necessary to be there, in the hollowness under the empty sky.

Temalas then led him around a tree and Solas was none the wiser. Only when the First began to gather branches on a spot, he noticed the statue. It was as silent as the rest of the place. Solas needed to walk around it to recognise it's shape. It was a sitting wolf, with it's snout half open, baring sharp teeth and staring into the distance. Watching? Was that a protector? He gave Temalas a look. This symbol didn't make sense here. Not among Evanuris worshippers. What did they do? Were they allowed to be here?

Now more curious about this task, he helped Temalas to pile branches. Then he knelt down with him as Temalas lit a fire with a wave of his hand. Solas had enough of kneeling and fire for the next millennium, but this was hardly a moment to complain. He watched Temalas who muttered something into the fire. A prayer? He took something out of a pouch on his belt and let it fall into the fire. It shortly lit it up and then spread a wholesome scent. He gave the same to Solas, who turned it in his hand to examine it.

A little ball of dried and pressed herbs, so it seemed. It's surface was decorated with symbols he didn't recognise. Perhaps runes. Before he could figure them out, Temalas urged him to hand it to the fire, so he did. Then the First muttered to the fire again while Solas studied the statue. It looked as primitive as anything in the camp, but it's body was covered in swirls. He wished to know what they meant. Suddenly, the First quenched the fire and quickly buried the branches. Solas helped him. When they got back on their feet, Solas expected him to clean the place of their footprints. But he didn't do so. Perhaps that was unwise.

Solas' heart pulsed in his throat when they went back, not only because walking strained him. He tried to hide their traces himself, but that just made him dizzy. Luckily, they reached the tingle again that saved him from losing his consciousness.

It was Temalas who broke their silence. “See, I knew you would do well.” Solas kept his voice low. “What exactly did we do?” “This might sound strange, but we brought offerings to the Dread Wolf.” The First just said it out loud with a smile. “Excuse me?” “Yes. You see, we wouldn't ask him for help for obvious reasons, we don't pray to him like we do to the creators, but we pay him respect. He is an eternal force of the world after all.” “But...aren't you supposed to protect the clan from him?” “Yes. That's a part of it.” Solas tilted his head as he pondered. That was new. Offerings for the Dread Wolf. Sadly, it didn't seem to give him anything. He didn't feel better now. That statue had been just an empty stone.

“I wonder what he'll think of it”, Solas went on with the conversation. “Why?” “What would you think if someone lit up a fire behind your back?” Temalas laughed. “Better than no fire, right? And you mustn't face him directly. He's placed like that for a reason, looking away from the camp. It's an old tradition to keep the Dread Wolf's gaze away from us.” “Oh...” Solas had a new idea. What if the statue worked? Did it keep his gaze away? Made everything invisible? Was he the only one who felt pressed down and hollowed? But if so, wouldn't that betray his true identity?

“The Keeper thought this would be a fitting first task for a Dalish, learning about the forces that confront us every day. Now, if you like to watch our dear huntress, we do so, if she's still on it...” They went back to the spot where they had seen her. Because Temalas wanted Revanas to take a break, he sat down with him on nearby tree trunks. Solas was torn between disappointment by the true meaning of the statue and nervousness because of the nearby flying arrows.

This time, Rasanor became aware of them and waved them over. “Come here, don't be shy”, she said as they approached. “I believe Revanas needs hunting lessons?” “Not so soon, Rasanor, but he's interested in your arts, because he heard from me what an unequalled expert you are.” “Oh, that's too sweet. But now that you're here”, she directed at Solas. “You didn't happen to have hold a bow before?” Temalas gave her a look, but Solas answered: “Actually, I have.” He thought it was save to admit. Archers didn't appear to be rare here. “Really? Then I don't see why I shouldn't train you.” “Right now, he can hardly stand on his feet”, Temalas protested. Solas considered that training wasn't a bad idea. He drew another deep “breath” from the tingle. “I think one try wouldn't hurt.” She gave him a grin. “That's the spirit, panelan!”

She handed him her bow and Solas' pulse began to pound again. Careful now. Making the first moves, he found himself annoyingly clumsy. So, nothing to worry about. But Temalas found that Revanas' demeanour changed completely. The way he straightened himself, bend the bow and aimed. It happened so quickly, I took him by surprise, comparing it to his unsteady gait. He aimed calmly, but then a shiver ran through his body. It could've been the weight of the bow, the pull of the string, but Temalas wondered - Was he afraid?

Of course Rasanor noticed it too, but before they could act, Revanas released the arrow. It flew far away from the target and hit a tree. Revanas gasped for air and Temalas hurried to offer his help again. The elf's face burned when he gave the bow back. “I see you really need more time to recover, but I think I can make a decent hunter out of you.” “Oh, decent. Did you hear that? She's generous with her compliments today.” “Oh, shut up, you...” Because Revanas didn't add anything to their banter, Temalas said goodbye to the hunter and brought the elf back to his aravel. Solas remained taciturn the entire time.

#dragon age #dragon age inquisition #dragon age fanfiction #solas/dorian #dragon age solas #dragon age dorian #maker preserve #dalish elves

[nrtsky]

❪ ⚡️ ❫ 𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐆𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐜𝐬 | hp

─ ഒ paring: Hermione Granger x fem!reader

─ ഒ fandom: Harry Potter

─ ഒ warnings: idk, maybe homophobia? Let's check. Minor half-blood prince spoilers and Draco Malfoy being uh… himself. And Pansy being an idiot.

notas: english is not my first language, sorry in all the cases!!!! I have SO many things i wanted put, but i don't wanna make this so long. Let me know if you like my writing;) GIF NOT MINE

The sweetest girlfriend ever, change my mind

ALRIGHT, this is passed in half-blood prince - when they (golden trio) had 15/16.

I want to clarify the way THIS happened, so………… you met her in potion class: New professor. No snape. New lessons. With this, I wanna mean peace.

Actually, you always knew her (i mean, who doesn’t know her?) because of Harry and Ron! You used to be their friend, but not Hermione. Maybe ‘cause they were afraid you guys wouldn't get along. Poor boys.

You and Mione already interacted, but your weird way of acting when she was around made her think YOU thought she was weird. And it kinda hurts, ‘cause she always thought you were soooo pretty.

You always… had a crush on Granger. But you thought that was a teenager thing, like… just an illusion. This is in 3th grade, 13 years old. But, now, with 16, you STILL liked her.

When you learned about amortentia, Hermione said that it was the most love powerful potion in the world.

‘’It’s rumored to smell differently to each person according to what attracts them… For example I smell…’’

Well, she already felt this smell before. For Sure.

Trying to do Felix Felicis, you were on Hermione's side, stressed bc you just COULDN’T DO THIS POTION. You looked at your side and saw her disaster.

‘’omg, if EVEN Hermione can't do this, how can i do????????????????????’’

You payed attention to what Harry was doing as he was succeeding. He told you and Hermione about crushing the sopophorous bean. She said ‘’no’’ at the same time, but you tried it.

Once you approached her to take the blade, Hermione recognized where the smell of amortentia came from. She blushed sm omg.

So, let’s talk about dating hcs!!

How does she go for a good part of her own day in the library, you used to spend a good part of your own day in the library, just following her.

If you grew up in the magic world, she loves read muggle books for you. But if you grew up with muggle parents, she likes to know about your family histories

She charges herself too much when we are talking about school numbers; in her mind, she HAVE to be perfect in EVERYTHING. So, giving her a time-out is definitely on your list.

But it doesn't matter how she loves you or how you love her, she's gonna turn kinda insane if/when you take a book from her.

Taking the her scare side away, she is sooooooo sweet with you 🥺🥺🥺

I MEAN, she is 😵 for PDA, but still very sweet!

She likes to kiss your forehead and hands, but not in public. In part ‘cause once Draco and Pansy saw she kissing you and they acted like two idiots (nothing new), but she never liked to do things like this in public.

Fool girl will turn literally RED if you kiss or hug her in front of everyone.

She calls you ‘darling’ and ‘love’, but private. Sounds so special and cute from her.

Hermione blush for little things. What i can say? She isn't used to receiving love this much and intensively.

We can’t forget: we are in 1996, so your relationship is a secret to everybody (less Harry and Ron. If you have close friends, you and Hermione tell them). Hermione just doesn't want you and her suffering from homophobia.

You are so glad for the girlfriend you have - even if few people knew -, so you helped her in S.P.E.W at the same time she told you the idea. You love the way she is just good with everyone.

You and Harry and Ron defend Hermione from racist people, who call her mud-blood. Have you ever cast a spell on someone bc of this, ANYWAY………………

She will help you if you have a difficulty on some subject. Or will give the answers of some homework you, Ron and Harry forgot to do, but she’ll argue with you guys.

You support each other so badly.

#hermione granger #harry potter #hermione x reader #fem reader #imagines #x reader #wizard world #hermione fic #hermione granger x you #sapphic #harry potter series #headcanons #hp headcanon #hermione headcanons #l-loveistortue #harry potter imagine

[cainluvr69]

Fantasia of the Bookstore Following Footsteps into the Future Chapter 10

Previous Chapter

We got right on moving things around in the store for our tea party. While munching on some delicious sweets and drinking wonderful tea, Arthur cracked open the book. He took a deep breath and then opened the front cover with all the love and care one would give to undoing the ribbon tied around a long-awaited gift.

At that moment, a gentle breeze blew across the open pages. As if caught by the wind, shining white motes of light in the same shape as the flying books fluttered into the air around him.

Arthur: Wah…! Ahaha, it's like a pop-up book!

Shylock: I wonder if that isn't a spell deliberately written in by the wizard who left it here. Although its more aggressive form was a powerful one, this feels much more like it's trying to delight us.

Murr: C'mon, c'mon, turn the page!

Arthur: Okay!

Arthur excitedly turned the page. His blue eyes glittered with curiosity as they focused on the strings of characters, as if they were jumping and dancing with joy.

Arthur: …It seems this book was written by a Sage's wizard, recording things such as their favorite games and pastimes, numerous adventures, and details about humans and wizards they met during their life.

Oz: It seems much like a memoir.

Arthur: Yes. For instance, this page talks about how they ventured into a forest thick with flamewood trees…

Arthur read aloud from the book for Riquet and I, since we were still learning how to read this world's letters. The great adventure through the forest of flamewoods. How to play an odd little game called The Drumming Spiral. A diary entry talking about the longtime friend that taught it to them. This book traced every step of the life of the wizard who had written it.

Arthur: "Here's a game I came up with. All you need is your broom. You can play it anywhere, but somewhere spacious is ideal. It'd also be a good idea to avoid anywhere with a lot of buildings." "It's really simple to actually play. All you have to do is kick up some wind with your magic and ride it with your broom, and then just let yourself get blown wherever it ends up taking you. It's fun to do this in the Forest of Ice, because no matter what you smack into, the snow makes it soft and fluffy."

Riquet: Doesn't this game sound awfully similar to one that you taught us, Lord Arthur?

Cain: It sure does. Between that and how they're a Central wizard who grew up in the North, they sound quite a bit like Arthur.

Oz: …The parts about loving to go on adventures and relentless recklessness are decidedly similar.

Arthur: I was honestly thinking the same thing. I bet if we'd lived in the same era, we could've been wonderful friends.

Arthur ran his fingers over the pages. He smile was the bright and cheerful one of a little boy who'd just made a new friend.

Arthur: But even though we're separated by time, because they left this book behind, I can still read about them. I'm so happy I met this book. I'm so happy it chose me!

My heart felt as warm as Arthur's smile. One day, I would pass my Sage's Manual to someone else, too. I hope that the person who picks it up will smile that way as they read it, too.

Chloe: This is kinda making me want to start writing a book that'll end up in this store one day. Hey, what kinda things do all of you think you'd write?

Murr: Definitely about the moon, yeah?

Shylock: The only person who would ever want to write about that is you, dear. Surely there's only one crazy wizard who fell in love with the moon.

Murr: You think so? Love's a pretty vast thing, you know! So, Shylock, what would you write in your super secret book of secrets? Would it be all about me?

Shylock: Fufu… I'm sure I would write about all the things that catch my fancy.

Chloe: I think I'd want to leave behind my design sketches. I think it'd be nice if someone wanted to still make my clothes even when I'm gone.

Rustica: No matter how much time passes, your designs will always be able to move the hearts of those that see them. I am most certain that your book would become a world treasure.

Chloe: Ehehe… Thanks. What about you, Rustica? What would you want to leave behind?

Rustica: That's quite a difficult question. I'm not sure I'd be able to settle on a satisfactory answer very quickly. May I think on this while drinking tea? I'm sure I'll have an answer by moonrise.

Cain: Ahaha. I bet your book would end up equally refined and carefree. But I don't think I could come up with an answer to what I'd want to leave behind in the end that easily, either.

Riquet: That's very true. I am sure the me of the past would have written about the church. The proper way to be a wizard and the priest's words and such. But I'm sure that I'll have so, so, so many more things I'll want to write about in the future. I used to think I knew everything there was to the world… But now I've learned there's so much more to it than that. The more that I learn, the more I'll want to make sure is recorded for the future. I'm sure of it.

Arthur: I think…I'd want to leave behind everything I've written down in the journal Lord Oz gave me. Although I'd be just as happy simply writing a book on all of his cool points, too.

Oz: If you are writing something to leave behind, it should be about your own…

Cain: Oz's cool points! That's a good one! Since there's so much of him only you get to see, I bet it'd definitely be worth reading.

Arthur: Right?!

Riquet: What about you, Oz? Do you have anything you'd want to leave behind?

Oz: No… I have never put any thought into my turning to stone. Nor about what may happen afterwards.

Riquet: …Oz, I understand how you feel. When I think about how I will one day be no more, it frightens me. I feel very alone. But to reflect on one's passing means to reflect on one's way of life. I think you should put some thought into that too, Oz.

Oz: ……Am I being lectured on the nature of life right now? By a youth of only sixteen years…?

Murr: What about you, Master Sage? What would you write down in a book to be passed on to the next generation?

Akira: Me? Um~mm… Yeah, I definitely think it's gotta be what I've got written down in the Sage's Manual. I'd be happiest leaving behind a record of what I've learned about wizards and what I've experienced here.

Murr: A book about us! I'm super duper looking forward to reading a book all about us written by none other than you, Master Sage!

And so the party got merrier, just like that. Hugo's smile reached all the way to his ears while he listened to the wizards' very…individual ideas when it came to their books.

Arthur: It's so fun listening to everyone's ideas for what kind of book they'd want to write! And it's all thanks to this book for choosing me!

Rustica: <Amores Viesse>

Chloe: Wah, a violin! Rustica, what are you going to play?

Rustica: Something to celebrate Lord Arthur's fated encounter with this book. If you do not mind, sir?

Arthur: Of course not! Hugo, do you mind if he performs here?

Hugo: No, not at all…! Oh, but to imagine that one day I'd get to hear a performance by the one and only Eccentric Musician, Rustica with my own ears!

Cain: In that case, maybe I'll sing along. A party should be good 'n lively, right?

Riquet: I'd like to sing for Lord Arthur too! What about you, Master Sage?

Akira: I'll do my very best!

Rustica began playing a bright and buoyant melody, a song that contained the feelings we all shared for Arthur and his brand-new book. The Western wizards produced their own bells to play alongside him in rhythmical accompaniment, and Hugo rang his own as well. Oz didn't participate in our song. But as he watched Arthur with a warm look in his eyes, I could still tell he was participating in our celebration in his own, placid way.

Arthur: Everyone, thank you so much. Once again, I'd like to state just how happy I am to have received this book. Now I've got even more to write down in my own journal!

I'd have to write about today's little adventure in the Sage's Manual, too. I know that one day, I'll forget all about the people I've met here…but I know that someone else will read what I've left behind. The proof that they and I walked this path together is etched indelibly into these pages.

#.mhyktl #.eventtl #.central fantasia

[titanicfreija]

No comfort

"Do you want to stop fighting?"

Sunny needed to pick a different spot in the barracks to 'hide', Freija found it a million years ago. The guardian in her civvies didn't look natural, and Sunny hated that sense, too.

The ghost couldn't tell if she wanted to say no for her own sake or for Freija's. She heard in the guardian's voice that she didn't want to make the offer and following through would make her miserable. Sunny herself didn't want to stop either, but that felt wrong, too.

"We have to fight," Sunny creaked.

"We have to defend ourselves and our loved ones, but no, we don't actually have to leave the Tower to pick fights for the sake of it. I don't have to take jobs. I don't have to go into the crucible. I don't have to bounty hunt. I don't even have to wander the worlds, or play the horse's game show."

The Awoken woman watched Sunny from across the room and the pair stared at each other silently.

"This doesn't sound good to me," Sunny admitted. "I want it to. I want to want peace more than I really do want peace."

"Sounds boring as fuck," Freija agreed. "Get a day job cooking or something, maybe, but yeah, doesn't sound great."

Sunny dropped several feet. "I don't know what to do! I feel horrible! Resisting it feels futile but giving in feels wrong! And no matter how I think about it, I can't reconcile bringing you into it!"

"Do you want to leave me down for a while?"

Sunny screamed and Freija shrank away, covering her ears.

"I'm sorry," they said together. Sunny moved away and Freija moved toward at the same time.

"Come here," Freija offered, holding her hand out.

"I feel horrible!"

"I know. It's my turn to be the one that holds the line. You're okay." The guardian picked the ghost in her Winter Lotus shell into her hands to cradle.

The noise Sunny made in response must have been the ghost version of hiccups or sobbing, but neither she nor Freija recognized the strange electronic burble. She couldn't stop making it, and speaking got hard to push through.

"You always use combat metaphors," Sunny whirred.

Freija couldn't answer.

"I keep saying I like flowers but I can't name any without opening a database. I spent hundreds of years dreaming about a person that I woke up for torture, knowing that's what I was going to do. I claim to love her, but I woke her up and told her she needed to grab a gun and commit atrocities lest they be committed against her."

"Yeah, well, the Taken would. Commit atrocities against me, I mean."

Sunny's burble grew. "Not if I didn't wake you up."

"Are you regretting my entire existence?"

"I don't know!"

"Sorry," Freija mumbled, knowing she wasn't doing a great job of handling this either. "Is there anyone you do think you can talk to about this?"

"I don't want to!"

"Maybe Caiatl?"

"She's part of what's upsetting me!"

"I mean, that's no reason not to talk to her about it. She did stage a coup that backfired, I'm pretty sure she'll understand reluctant warrior doubts."

"I'm not a warrior. You are."

"You keep going back and forth on that."

"Caiatl did that, too. She pointed out that I taught you everything."

Freija snorted. "Only so I wouldn't have to learn the hard way. And I still don't take cover worth a damn."

Sunny dropped her shell and hovered to her shelf, pulling the Hareball shell on and fixing her ears. "Stay in the Tower. Please. Do something you like doing that isn't fighting. Not even bar or gym fights."

Freija frowned and looked to one side, which Sunny knew to be doubts-- the guardian hardly knew what she liked doing.

"Maybe Thomas can show you around and let you try new things," she suggested softly. "Maybe there's some art you can learn. I bet you'd like sculpting. I'll be back before tonight."

"'kay. Love you," Freija said.

"I love you, too. I promise I'm okay, I'm just having a hard time."

"Been there, done that, had you at my side the whole time. I'm here for you. I know I'm no good for talking to, but I promise I can hold and cuddle and do nothing for a while and maybe even be quiet for a little bit."

Sunny didn't find her usual amusement in imagining harm on her guardian.

She scanned radio signals as far out as she could, found the last ones off Neptune, and traced them back to the Empress's command ship.

War Drums

Lost

No comfort <-

Real Purpose

Slipped Truth

Still Sulking

Stubborn Recovery

Freija's Waltz

#destiny 2 #d2 #ocs #writing #freija #scribble #sunny #prose

[twilightguardian]

Well, that's your fault for blocking me when we were having that conversation, now isn't it?

I wasn't "Totes Ownzing" you as a writer, Lilith. If you wanted to know what I meant you could have just, like... asked for clarification instead of assuming malintent and starting a fight with me. That's what most people do.

It was a show of good faith, (since I had done nothing but talk about how much of a caustic, disingenuous liar you were regarding Fixing and how uncharitable you were with those you blanketed as misogynists.) reaching out to you as a fellow writer and creative, not only saying that it was an older piece of work, so you may have already fixed it yourself in your newest draft. Then saying that if you wanted to grow as an artist that the one group you went to weren't doing you favours and if you were still with them to look for a better group who would be hard on your work, because that will show where your flaws are. Critique can hurt. But critique groups aren't there to build up your pride, they're there to hone your writing skills and do away with bad habits. You tear down your old, rotting ego and build a newer, healthier one, or rather it's like building muscle. Every critique is a little wound in your writing muscles. Those wounds heal stronger and your writing muscle, like real muscles, gets bigger, better, more able to endure and will be able to work more before getting torn again. Every artist goes through this and it's the normal process of creation. I had thought, perhaps naively, that you'd understand this at the very least.

I've been nothing, if not fair to you for the most part despite using you as an obvious example in my initial callout post. But I wouldn't have had to do that if there weren't so many examples of you being toxic and attacking people and making up things about them - in some cases serious accusations.

You get back what you give. If you're someone who comes into a conversation assuming that someone has ill intent and act with aggression, people are going to treat you the same. You wanted someone to fight with so after you blocked me I gave you what you wanted: Someone to fight. I'm willing to fight back when I see injustice and I'm not afraid to be catty. But it didn't have to be that way.

I'm also a writer, and on some level, no matter whether I like or dislike you, at the end of the day it doesn't matter. I'd still be happy if you grew as an artist and became better; if you found success. I initially was going to look into Glints Saga regardless to look into it and make comparisons between your old and new work because I was curious after learning you rewrote it to see how much it changed. It was just an innocent curiosity. Then to be polite I'd give my review of the work and be honest about it, because in my mind, there's nothing worth more than honesty. So you'd get my thoughts, if I liked some parts, if I disliked others, etc. It would give you more interaction with your work.

I made that initial long post because I saw all the dishonesty about Fixing and wanted to debunk it. If you found my fanfics and reviewed them I'd enjoy that but if you just went in to purposefully bend over backwards, contorting yourself into a pretzel to pick apart every single little thing for no reason other than wanting to hurt me, that's disingenuous. No one, not even 'critics' do that... for the most part. I've seen some bs in rwde, too, let's be real here.

To answer your question about my criticism, it's about a complicated mixture of realism and cutting fat in your writing. People normally don't say your name to you unless it's to get your attention or to emphasize they're speaking to you when in a group. If someone is speaking to you, they'll say 'you' and not your name constantly at you. Because they already have your attention. But it's also about brevity and repetition. Respect your reader's time and don't use unnecessary words because it just clogs up your prose or dialogue. Saying a character's name over and over to that character is repetitive to read. You want your writing to be concise and punchy. Every sentence, phrase and word has to matter, has to be there for a reason. If you want your writing to be as good as it can be, you make the necessary changes and take criticisms from people outside your circle of friends.

This is writing advice you can find anywhere. I'm not saying anything particularly groundbreaking or niche, but it's not something that everyone knows about, either. We all become blind to our own work and need an outsider - multiple outsiders who know how to critique - to come in and look. If you only surround yourself with friends who only ever praise your work, you'll gain a false sense of what your writing is like. I also had to learn it. I've done writing in the past where a character says another's name to that character every time they speak and I had to be aware of that to avoid it. Pointing out flaws in your writing isn't an attack on you as a person.

When I said I was going to review Glints, you just saw me as Floof 2.0 (regarding the review). Honestly, I have no idea what he said about it. I've had problems with him in the past when it came to reviewing writing and I called him out on it. He may have had good points, but I also don't doubt he said some really dumb things about your work. You assumed without evidence that I was going to be just as disingenuous as him, that I was going to use your series to attack you. Based on what? Because I called you out? I didn't call you out for no reason. The reason I took those screenshots was to back up my words to show that I wasn't lying. To show this is a pattern of behaviour that I can see that leads to the type of disingenuous criticism that I wanted to talk about and debunk. You have a skewed way of looking at the world and at people, and assume intent and malice when there might not be and I was demonstrating why that is harmful, not because I have anything against you specifically. Just your attitude and how you interact with people you disagree with.

You can take this however you like. But this is my genuine attempt to reopen dialogue with you. If not, I'll continue as I had before: Debunking your poorly thought out, bad faith criticisms of Fixing and once V6 is done so am I. But if you do, I'll continue talking to you and do what I can for you as a fellow artist.

Edit: Also as for your critique of Glints, it's coming. But frankly I have more important things to do and you're not all that high on my priority list. Properly reviewing takes time and energy.

#lilith fairen #Glints Saga #rwde #writing #critique

[themuppetagenda]

I started watching the new star trek show, and I can't stop thinking about this moment. She's talking about being an outcast because of her species, and the metaphor is THICK, but a sad reminder of how acceptance usually occurs.

Inclusiveness is not just for the outstanding members of society to appreciate. You don't need to be the Jackie Robinson of your community to be worthwhile. I love that someone said this out loud in a pretty mainstream piece of media, and I hope it is heard.

All people deserve to exist. Full stop. It doesn't matter if you're exemplary in your professional career, it doesn't matter if you are unemployed. It doesn't matter if you are queer, it doesn't matter if you are a librarian. Accept people as people. We all are entitled to human rights no matter what.

cw: racism, transphobia, homophobia, kind of long

The reason I can't stop thinking about this is mostly because I feel like it's a step ahead of the current cultural discussion around this type of issue. It's not about generic acceptance, it's about acceptance as the default; the underlying basic assumption that you could be a mean spirited asshole, and you would still deserve your rights. Not just have your rights, but intrinsically deserve them.

I grew up in a poor rural community, and when I was a thirteen year old kid I had exactly the shitty stereotyped beliefs you would imagine from that background. I would have heard something like this and only been able to apply it very narrowly to the exact situation on screen. I had to learn to question things, to apply critical thinking, and I had to expand my knowledge of what the world is and what's in it before I could leave those things behind.

Somewhere out there right now there are thirteen year olds learning infamous black crime statistics and initiating their road into the alt right. They lack the understanding that crime is more correlated with economic factors than racial ones. They lack the contextualization to know that crime statistics are based off enforcement of laws not the actual performance of crime. When you put those two together it shows the racist elements of maintaining the status quo.

The most obvious parallel though in this little speech currently is the bullshit "culture war" currently being waged against trans people. Let me be clear. Trans rights are human rights, and all trans people need the same protections and rights as everyone else. Not just the "good ones" which is inherently a demeaning and aggressive way to refer to someone as part of a group.

Anyway, I'll go back to my usual shit posting and occasional unionizing rants now. But I needed to rant about this, even if it was just to the void of my blog.

#star trek strange new worlds #acceptance #inclusivity #agenda posting