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#it doesn't mean she has to apologize
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my mam deciding, out of nowhere, to start talking about who i was as a teenager and how much she hated me, triggering that inner teenager inside me that i keep locked up because their feelings are so awful and intense and too much for me to deal with when stuck at home during a pandemic, right when im teetering on the edge of relapsing with alcohol like oooh she really Knows huh

#have had to spend hours just trying to comfort the teenager inside of me but im finding it so very difficult#especially when im trying to do it sober and there are multiple bottles of alcohol looking right at me#parental neglect and rejection? CHECK! isolation from friends? CHECK! severe feelings of abandonment and loneliness? CHECK!#my brain telling me the only way im going to survive this is On My Own therefore deciding the best course of action is shutting down#emotionally and never depending on anybody? CHECK! all of this while trying to fight addict brain? CHECKKK!#crazy how easily it is to emulate my entire teenage years huh#im just trying to console them so it doesnt create another fucking layer for me to break through when i move out#but it is very fucking upsetting knowing that the only person that has ever even tried to be nice to them is me and only retroactively#how the fuck did i survive past the age of fourteen#i was so young. i was so young i cant get past that#my little sister is eighteen now and by the time i was her age i had gone through the majority of the most traumatic shit in my life#but it doesn't make sense bc i look at her and i just see a baby#how could my mam have abandoned me like she did when i was four years YOUNGER#her own CHILD#it hurts and i will never ever get an apology or even recognition that it was bad from any person who fucked me over#self soothing is all i can do and all i will ever be able to do#and i have to do it SOBER. and for WHAT?#i cant believe alcohol is the substance that creeped up on me i havent needed to worry about that in years and this whole time was me trying#not to do C*KE. and while i was distracted with that my brain snuck ALCOHOLISM back on the table. god fucking damn i hate my brain#oh and when i say that the only person that was ever nice to teenage me is current me i mean like....people who were supposed to support me#ik some of yous were around then i dont mean that. i just mean like authority figures or people who could have helped#i dont remember how much i posted about on my old blog but i doubt it would have been enough to help#fuck its 4am and i cant sleep because my inner child is crying and wants to get wasted!! you HATE to see it
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