#it feels like all i do nowadays is going around and missing everything i dont have anymore

[bbyquokka]

oh god

pairing: kim seungmin x gender-neutral reader

genre: fluff (if you squint a lil), smut – MDNI

synopsis: you're seungmin's first

warnings: smut, established relationship, virgin seungmin, oral (m rec), protected sex, pet names, some nipple play

words: 2.8k ~ (2,899)

♡ m.list — ♡ you can also read it on my ao3

dont repost. dont translate. minors, ageless & default blogs; dni! feedback and reblogs are highly advised and appreciated!

he wants to wait, wait for the right person and for when the time is right. everyone around him, his friends, mutuals, acquaintances, everyone he knew was out doing it and to him, he didn't see the point.

the point being, why give away something that's precious to a complete stranger. someone you don't plan on having a future with. nowadays, sex is seen as a competition instead of something that's valuable. 

men cheer on their mates when they learn each others body counts, calling their dicks big and praising them whilst comparing and contrasting their past sexual partners, telling each other every explicate detail down to the T.

seungmin just isnt like that. the amount of times he has heard about another woman's breasts and nipples is beyond him. it puts him off sex even more.

he didn't really care about sex because he has seen and heard about it so many times that's he's become desensitized to it, but he is human after all. he has needs and sometimes, a lonely night with nothing but lube, his hand and a cheesy over the top porn video isn't cutting it for him any more.

then you came along. he didn't think it was possible to get an erection just from looking at someone but as soon as he saw your beauty, his cock twitched in an instant. 

it started of slow. seungmin wanted and needed that emotional connection with you first before going any further with you. you spoke on the regular, facetime, text messages, sending each other silly memes and videos, the usual's one would say.

it wasn't until seungmin caught himself blushing and giggling at a simple text of “hi! i miss you, min! hope you're ok. 🥺🖤” did he realise that maybe, he liked you a lot more than he thought.

his heart thumped against his chest every time you touched him or looked at him. your beautiful smile and sweet voice causing his mind to go all mushy. if that wasn't enough of a sigh that he was falling for you, he would go home and masturbate for hours on end with you on the mind, your voice ringing in his ears, your face popping up in his mind. body doing all sorts of positions and poses–its almost like you're there.

he'd curse himself for being a virgin. he wanted a bit more experience in that department. scared that you would judge him for being inexperienced, he kept it a secret even after you both got together. 

it didn't take long for you to notice that seungmin was hiding something from you. every time you tried to initiate something in the bedroom, he would make up an excuse, brush you off with a lie so you confronted him about it.

filled with so much guilt for making you doubt and question yourself as well as the relationship, did he blurt out:

“i'm a virgin!”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“yn” seungmin stutters as you kiss his neck. “w-wait.”  you pull away from him, eyebrows furrowed together. 

“everything ok, minnie?” seungmin's chest rising up and down at an uneven pace. his penis already hard just from a few neck kisses and making out with one another. he's sensitive to everything. his skin burning from the areas you have kisses and sucked. every time you drag your fingertips down his skin, it leaves behind a trail of fire.

“y-yeah. it's just, i'm just–” seungmin stutters, cheeks as red as a rose. you smile warmly at him, cupping and stroking his cheeks gently.

“hey, are you nervous?” your voice is sweet and soft. seungmin swallows thickly, nodding slowly. he's so sick with nerves, his body shaking due to the scary amount of pleasure and emotions he is feeling.

you notice his shaky hands as he reaches up to place his hand on top of yours. you remove your hand, holding it instead and stroking the back with the pad of your thumb.

“it's ok to be nervous, minnie.”

“is it though?”

“absolutely! it's new and scary. you're most likely feeling very overwhelmed with pleasure, nerves and anxiety but we take it slow, m'kay? we go at your pace.”

“does it not bother you? that i'm inexperienced.” he mumbles. you let out a soft chuckle, kissing his cheek gently.

“no, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. something like this is precious, it's precious to you so i respect that.”

“but what if i do something you don't like or–or i say something or–” he rambles. you lean in and peck his lips gently to calm him down of his nervous ramblings.

“we communicate. we're a unit, you and i. communication is the most important thing in a relationship, regardless of what type it is.  if i do something to you or say something that makes you think, oh. i don't like this, it feels weird, then tell me.”

“but what if i hurt your feelings..” his voice is nothing but a whisper as he bites his bottom lip.

“my darling. you could never hurt my feelings. i won't know unless you tell me. i'd be more upset not knowing i was doing something to you that you disliked than you being straight and honest with me.”

“ok..” seungmin chews his lips nervously, his hands still trembling against your skin. 

“hey.” you softly say, leaning in so your lips brush against his softly. he whimpers, closing his eyes slowly. “you'll be ok, i promise you.”

you kiss him softly being slow at first. you allow seungmin to slowly melt into the kiss, his lips moulding with yours and finding that perfect tempo. wanting to take the initiative and feeling a little more confident, he gently bites your bottom lip as a silent request for permission to open; to which you oblige.

parting your lips slowly, seungmin slowly slides his tongue past your lips. he whimpers a little at the feel of your tongues meeting in the middle, colliding and tangling together. saliva and breathy pants mix together. 

with shaky hands, seungmin cautiously touches your exposed chest. he gingerly plays with your nipples, flicking and tugging on them gently before rolling them between his fingers. you let out a soft groan, pleasure tingling down to your fingertips and toes.

“fuck baby. keep doing that.” you whisper.

“you like that?”

“yes. it feels good.” you groan as you slide your hand down seungmin's exposed chest and torso to cup his erection through the material of his black boxer shorts. he involuntarily bucks his hips in your hand which causes him to flush pink.

you kiss his cheek, trailing your lips along his jawline to his ear. you lick and suck on his lobe as you palm his erection, rubbing and squeezing his length.

seungmin lets out shaky breathes, his body trembling as pleasure courses through his veins. he feels so good, he's on the verge of tears and all you're doing is palming him. he has yet to feel you. with every minute that passes by, his brain slowly turns to mush. sweat accumulates on his forehead and chest, his toes curling as his hands are now stationary against your chest.

“can i give you oral?” you ask, biting your lip gently. seungmin swallows, the question ringing in his ears and making him feel dizzy.

oh fuck. oh no. god oh god! can you? the person he loves, adores and cherishes the most. the person whom he finds so unbelievably attractive, give him oral?! 

he mind and body screaming at him. he wants to yell “fuck yeah!” at you but instead, he whimpers and gives a small and shy nod. 

you beam at him as you shuffle between his parted legs. he holds his breath as he watches you, watches his many fantasies and dreams come true right before his very eyes.

grabbing the waist band of his boxers shorts, you slowly pull them down his legs and discard them on the floor by the bed. a sudden wave of embarrassment and shyness washes over seungmin, shackling him to the mattress. 

he instinctively covers his private area with his hands, his cheeks and tips of his ears red. you place your hands on top of his gently, removing them slowly as you make eye contact with seungmin. nothing but fear clouds over his pupils as he chews his bottom lip raw. 

“hey, it's ok darling. it's just me.” your voice is so soft, so soothing to him that all the fear and nervousness washes away in an instant. he lets you remove his hands, showing you all he has to offer.

“that's my boy.” you coo as you kiss his hands. he lets them flop to the side as your eyes flicker down to his penis. 

what he lacks in girth, he makes up for in size. his tip red, veins protruding along the sides and traveling to his tip. pre-cum beading and coating his skin making it glisten in the dim light with the occasionally twitch. you also notice how neatly trimmed his pubic area is.

“you have such a pretty cock, min.” you coo, watching seungmin stutter and become flustered. he never thought of his cock (or any cock for that matter) being pretty, he just thought of it as average. but hearing those words come from your mouth makes him so dizzy with lust and heat.

your hand wraps around his base. seungmin watches you with beady eyes, his chest heaving up and down in time with his laboured breaths. he bundles up the sheets in the palm of his hands as he watches you slowly stroke him.

it's slow and languid, something that normally wouldn't get seungmin off. however, it's you. it's your hand around his cock. it's your face that's so dangerously close to it. he makes a mental note of how small you look around him, his brain malfunctioning and failing to do the basic human things.

“fuck..” he mumbles as you slowly pick up the speed. you rotate your wrists at the tip, using your thumb to slowly rub it and smear the pre-cum. seungmin clenches his jaw, his body tingling and vibrating from excitement and pleasure. 

and then it happens. your lips wrapping around his tip. the warmth from your mouth paired with the wetness makes seungmin lose the ability to speak. instead, he whimpers, reaching down and tangling his fingers in your hair as he watches his cock disappearing slowly in your mouth.

you hum around him, closing your eyes as you suck. you swirl your tongue around his tip, making sure your jaw is slack to get more of him. what you fail to reach, you compensate for by stroking him in time with your sucks.

“shit shit shit. fuck–ah!” seungmin pants, tugging and gripping your hair. his head falls to the side, his bangs falling over his half lidded eyes. sweat soaks his body as pleasure and lust swamp him. he wants to cum, he most definitely could cum at any minute but he doesn't want to.

he wants to hold because he wants so much more of you. he wants to feel you, hear you and taste you. he's hungry for you, despite the fact he didn't know it could be possible.

the more time he spends inside your mouth, the more he slowly loses it. his mind is nothing but mush. his body shaking due to the high level of lust and desire. he watches you suck his cock so perfectly. he wants to praise you, to tell you how good you're doing but he can't because if he dares opens his mouth once, he's scared of the sound that'll come out.

and then you swallow. a new, alien feeling shoots up his spine. the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. the tightness of your throat around his cock automatically causing him to let out a long and throaty groan. 

you pull away with a smirk, licking your lips as you look at your fucked out lover. 

“i see you found your voice.” you giggle. 

“good..” seungmin mumbles. you laugh softly, shifting and straddling his lap. he looks up at you through his half lidded eyes. you push back his bangs, watching them automatically part and show more of his sweat coated forehead. 

his pupils blown out with lust, beads of sweat rolling down his temples. his lips parted and dry. he's a beautiful sight to see, a sight you want to see over and over again.

“shall we?” you ask. seungmin nods his head fast, making himself dizzy. you smile warmly at him before grabbing a condom and rolling it on his length.

“are you sure?”

“yes”

“a hundred percent?”

“a million trillion percent. i want this, i'm ready.” you nod, giving the tip of his nose a gentle peck.

you hover over his cock, reaching behind and holding it at the base. seungmin holds your waist as he watches you lower yourself down on his condom clasped penis. 

you groan softly, head kicking back as you feel yourself stretching out. seungmin grips your hips tightly. he thought the warmth from your mouth was good but this warmth is a feeling he cannot describe. it's so alien yet so so good to him, for him. 

the warmth paired with the tightness is too much for his body to bare. he's melting into the mattress, his body uncomfortable hot and sweaty but comfortable high with lust, adrenaline and hormones.

“oh, god..” he says through gritted teeth as he watches you lower yourself down on him. you shakily pant, planting your hands firmly on his stomach to steady yourself.

“how do you feel?”

“strange. weird. but so fucking good. it's so amazing. i'm so.. it's so–” he digs his nails into your skin as you slowly bounce on him. 

“feels good.” you moan. seungmin can't speak, only nod his head as he leans in. he buries his face into the crook of your neck, arms wrapping around your back firmly as you bounce on him at a steady pace.

he doesn't know what to do nor does he know what he is doing. his body is on autopilot, doing what he thinks and feels is best. his teeth sinking into the skin of your neck, lips trailing to your shoulder blade where he bites. 

a string of moans and fucks leave his lips unwillingly. his voice increasing and decreasing. sometimes he is loud, moaning and groaning and not caring about the neighbours. other times, he is soft and whimpering, whispering your name over and over again.

he doesn't know what he is doing, that part is true. he doesn't recognise himself, the pleasure taking over his mind and body to the point where it feels like it isn't him anymore. 

“god yn. so good, you feel so good. oh fuck me, please.” he begs. you hold onto his shoulders to steady yourself as you use your thighs to bounce faster. you kick your head back to expose your neck as you moan his name, seungmin taking full advantage of your exposed neck to kiss, lick and suck the skin.

moans and groans combined into one. seungmin's body shaking as the pit of his stomach burns. it's tight, his balls hurt and his cock twitches inside you.

“yn–”

“m-mhm?” you look at him, his eyebrows furrowed and eyes glossy. he's close to tears as he whimpers.

“hurts. close. fuck.”

“it's–it's ok. listen to your body baby.” 

“what about you?”

“don't worry about me. it's all about you tonight baby.”

sinking his teeth into your shoulder blade, you give one finally bounce and seungmin is a sobbing, whimpering mess. he holds you close to his sweaty body, the heat from you both making you feel lightheaded. his muscles spasm as he empties into the condom, nothing but soft whispers of your name ringing over and over again in your ears.

once calm, you lift yourself up and off seungmin. he takes the condom off, tying it and discarding it in the trash before pinning you down on the mattress by surprise. your eyes widen before you swallow thickly. 

something about him has changed, like a switch has been flipped suddenly. his eyes hold nothing but pure hunger for you, his cock failed to calm down. his body is buzzing and mind mushy. he's not thinking straight anymore, his actions being driven by the pure hunger he is feeling.

“s-seungmin?” you stutter. he licks his lips as he grabs another condom, rolling it on his length before teasing your entrance with his tip by rubbing it. you whimper as you watch him.

“more. i need more of you.” you both groan in unison, your body arching up off the bed as he slowly pushes his length inside. he wastes no time in thrusting. his cock stroking and caressing your insides. you grip onto the sheets, watching seungmin lose control of himself. 

“sorry. i'm so sorry. i can't stop. so hungry. more, i need so much more. please yn, please give it to me.”

you reach up to wrap your arms around his neck to pull him down to you. he pants heavily against your lips as you smirk and wrap your legs around his waist, keeping him close.

“then don't stop. we have all night, so feel free to indulge.”

note: inspiration for this mess 😃 so uh, yeah. idk what else to say because my brain is mush rn. oh! i have also been working on a lil something so keep your eyes peeled for that! don’t forget to leave feedback, reblog and tell me what you think here. curious as to what is next? here is my wips list! i hope you all enjoy! ‹3

tags (open): @sstarryoong ; @septicrebel ; @bbujiikseu ; @cixrosie ; @alyszaen ; @writerracha ; @hyunluvxo ; @aestheticsluut ; @xcookiemonsteer

#kwritersworldnet #wkcnet #straykidsland #skz smut #stray kids smut #kim seungmin #seungmin #seungmin smut #kim seungmin smut #seungmin x you #seungmin x reader #kim seungmin x you #kim seungmin x reader #skz x you #skz x reader #stray kids x you #stray kids x reader #skz oneshots #stray kids oneshot #skz scenarios

[fuxuannie]

First time requesting so sorry if this doesn’t make sense, if you’re willing could you write about Yanqing comforting a reader who’s been feeling down because their feeling burnt out? So so sorry if this doesn’t make any sense but thanks anyway for possibly considering it!

-🌝 anon

↳ pairing : yanqing x g-neutral reader

↳ synopsis : request ♡

↳ authors note : CLEARING OUT DRAFTS 🧸‼‼ i i really wananana get back into writing n i dont wanna leave what i started here!!!

YANQING noticed how much more you tended to zone out within the day. Sure, you'd stop paying attention 5 minutes into his ramble about swords - but at the very least you'd make it to the discussion of how they're made. Nowadays, you're forgetting hes talking to you before he could even start.

Not only that, but you seemed to work and work but seemingly not out of the passion you had before, but almost as if you were doing it in hopes to find a purpose. He couldn't explain it properly, but it was like you were no longer working cause it made you happy, more over because was expected and wanted of you.

Sure, it was your job to serve, but you were allowed to ask for breaks and such if it was needed and you DEFINITELY needed one.

So he had approached Jing Yuan and asked for permission to pull you out of work for a few hours. "Oh, Yanqing.. You kind soul, you're more than free to be able to help them." He does his usual precious smile, bows to his superior and hurries off to find you.

He asked around with the locals if they had seen you, his expression of worry worsening by the second as people would answer more no's and no's. And when all hope seemed lost, a certain fluffy tailed woman had known exactly where you were, and told the concerned blonde once she noticed his usual smile curl downwards into a frown.

"Thank you, Miss Tingyun!" Yanqing bows before running off towards one of the trees in the training grounds, it was a private & closed off area for the Cloud Knights with various different training equipment but a giant tree in the center of it all.

His worry faded away when he saw you asleep against the trunk, snoring softly as your hair was a slight mess due to the wind that was blowing.

The young swordsman sits next to you, his head faced your sleeping form as he hesitantly puts a hand on your shoulder and shakes you. Waking you up from your peaceful nap.

"..Mm.." Was the first sign that you were waking up, watching your head shift slightly before settling in his general direction. Your eyes slowly flutter open, and are greeted to the sight of Yanqing smiling at you fondly and gigglig at your rather sleepy state. "Good Morning." You could hear him saying.

He can see how your expression immediately changes, first confusion and then panic. "W-wait.. Did I doze off?! Oh no, oh dear, I'm sorry for troubling you! I'll return to work-" But Yanqing grabs your hand before you could even stand, theres a small silence for a moment, wind blowing through your hair as you stared into his eyes.

"Don't leave."

You want to protest, but Yanqing shakes his head before you can get another word out. "Worry not. The General allowed you to rest for a little while longer." He reassures you with a closed eye smile, the hold on your hand had no sign of letting go or allowing you to leave.

Grinning at your sigh of defeat, the boy moves a little so you may sit down next to him.

There's a few moments of silence, not exactly awkward but.. comforting. The feeling of gentle wind brushing against your skin, sounds of birds or leaves rustling, and the slow clouds passing by in the distance. You finally take a moment to appreciate everything going on around you, and maybe one of those things was the warmth that wrapped around your hand. How Yanqing's fingers intertwine with yours as he admires the very same things that you are, humming a gentle tune to hopefully soothe your stress away.

"You know.. I don't think I'm built for this line of work sometimes."

His head is quick to turn to you, though your gaze doesn't drift away from the sky up above.

"I dunno, sometimes I can take it and other times.."

You lay against the tree trunk, closing your eyes and take a deep breath.

"It feels like I'm drowning in a pool of my problems and getting dragged further down to the bottom."

He's not sure whether to comfort you with words or with actions, so he simply guides your head to lean down comfortably on his shoulder.

In time, if you'll ask for it, he'll tell you the words of comfort that he's sure you'll need to hear.

For now, he'll be quiet and listen to your problems that you've kept bottled up for far too long.

#˚₊· ͟͟͞➳❥ bailu's candy stash #honkai star rail x reader #hsr x reader #yanqing hsr x reader #yanqing x reader #yanqing x you #yanqing imagines

[spikrock]

how i feel every mtp character was mischaracterized by the old fandom

basically me describing my icks about mtp fics that ive seen from like 10 years ago/kinda sorta my personality hcs. bear with me here, because they are all my headcanons/opinions and i dont want to make it sound like i think my ideas are the only way you can see the characters...(talking into the void)

Alice: she loses her spunkiness! she becomes a perfectly sweet and agreeable person in almost every fic ive read. i dont see her like this. in my mind, alice is a good mix of kind and understanding with hot headed and stubborn. everyone in the band loves her and she’s easy to get along with, but that doesn’t mean she’s perfect. i feel like fics always wrote her as the mom friend, and i dont really like that. i feel like it’s just because shes the only girl (ive read very few fics where caterpillar is written as a girl) alice really doesn’t scream “mom friend” to me. i see her as pretty chaotic and impulsive. she’s kind of immature, but she always has good intentions in mind and most people in her life admire her, so it’s easy to miss. you know? 

Tarrant: ouuugh boy. in my mind, tarrant is a lovable idiot, his ideas are wacky, sometimes he says things that make zero sense to anyone but him (and maybe thackery and mally), and he’s typically bad at reading a room, being cheerful most of the time (even if his friends arent). most fics i read write him as this! which is great, because i think it’s pretty close to how i see him. he’s pretty much always written as comic relief, which is fine by me. 

my problem starts with how the other characters treat tarrant. they act like hes annoying…ive read so many fics where tarrant will say something a little wacky and every character in the scene side-eye one another and go, “okaaaay, tarrant…🙄” or something similar, and it makes me mad!! so many times i see scenes where alice is “apologizing” for him, when all he did was…talk? be around? the bandmembers are his friends…they aren’t treating him like that, alice would NOT feel the need to apologize for him either? in fact, if alice felt like anyone was making fun of tarrant behind his back she’d fucking kill them. im so serious. 

Mally: not that cool. mally is a LOSER. and i say that with the most love imaginable. he’s got zero game, he’s fairly awkward when he’s not playing or on stage, he fails at like everything, he’s literally insane, and he doesnt think any of that is true. in mally’s mind, he is THE coolest and most special-ist person on the planet at all times and in all ways. he’s so lucky he wasnt subjected to fandom nowadays where people talk about killing their favorites with rocks or whatever. he wouldnt stand a chance. 

fics write him too cool, and too “normal”, if im being honest. this is something that happens to both mally and thackery, and idk. he’s insane!! hes a weirdo!!! the name of the band is MAD t party, i feel like they should all be at least a little crazy. idolmouse was giving them EVERYTHING in those shows and they just threw it all away 😔 the disrespect…

Thackery: they make him way too shy and quiet and nervous when he isnt like that at all. thackery, in my mind, is definitely quieter and less showy than his bandmates, but he’s still as energetic as they are. he, unlike some of his other bandmates, is fine to step back and let someone else be the center of attention. he just wants to be along for the ride; he doesn’t mind what songs he needs to learn for the shows or what they need him to do, he just wants to play in a band with his friends. none of that means he’s overly shy or timid or anything, though. i don’t really know where they got that? the most i see is when he’d hide behind his ears sometimes. but other than that he's always getting in people's faces and jumping around and they just forget hes silly as if thats not one of his most endearing traits like cmon now

and…it hurts even more because you can really tell while reading the fics that it’s because of the ship dynamic with mally that they write him this way. its really frustrating to me. i dont see them as opposites, more like slightly different variations of weird. 

Absolem/Adonis/Caterpillar AUGH whatever: ive only ever read one fic where they write caterpillar as ladypillar so maybe i should just put absolem but whatever.. too serious. too stoic. they basically just copy paste his personality from the 2010 movie. why? i dont know. he gets plenty of personality in the shows but old fics really just ignore that... his ass is NOT wise he plays the fucking keyboard in a band at disneyland 😭 he doesnt know shit 😭😭😭

he’s sort of just around to give advice to people. im just saying they could stand to let him be funny once in a while...hes just so serious even though he doesn’t really act that way on stage. i do like the idea of him being more like that when the bands first getting started but eventually coming out of his shell and letting himself have fun with the rest of them. and almost every caterpillar performer made him really aggressive lmao, i think they should’ve leaned into that it would have been funny. like he just punches someone in a fic. idk. i think we should let absolem hit people

Chessur: in the few fics ive read where chess does much of anything, he’s basically got the same problem that absolem’s got where they just sort of copypaste his movie-self, even down to the way he speaks. i REALLY hate that, they usually make absolem and chess talk all elegantly, esp compared to the other characters. its just really weird to me and makes them feel out of place. 

but out of all these characters, chess being the one that writer’s struggled to do much with makes sense. he’s behind that drumset all the time, he doesn’t get much explicit character shown, so i mean, what else were they gona turn to? going back to the 2010 movie is the next step ig. but also, i mean, it’s possible. it’s not like the performers NEVER did anything, because they did. you can still get a personality and come up with a character that isn’t just tim burton’s chessur but a human. 

i see chess as the quietest in the band; he isn’t shy, he doesn’t not want to be around his bandmates or anything, he’s just sort of quiet, unless someone speaks to him or he’s teasing someone lmao. i see him and mally as pretty similar, but neither of them like acknowledging or admitting it. hes meanspirited, but actually very caring and nice, you just gota know him. and hes closest to alice, so ofc SHE knows it. all his sarcastic comments to his friends are just how he says he loves them <3 if you ask, he’d tell you that he only joined the band because he knew they needed a drummer, but it was really cus he wanted to hang out at the tea party (he rarely went before because he and mally genuinely did not get along before the band) i think chess is the type to never talk and then randomly drop the most profound shit anyone has ever heard. idk, does any of that make sense?

so yeah. i know mad t party fandom was all about doing whatever you want with these characters cus there really wasnt much to base anything off of, but i dont think that really applies to their characters?? really just the stories? like they DO have characters and personalities. when people would say things like theyre acting when theyre on stage...that is so weird to me because thats literally just what the show itself is. where is the fun in saying that theyre not actually like how they are on stage? 

this is just a peek into how i see these silly little band guys…ive wanted to share my hcs for a while now, but like. my mind is just spaghetti. i know everything i want to say, but writing it down and putting it out there is just sooo hard. i hope the 5 people who will see this post will understand sort of what im trying to say here. thanks for reading if you read the whole thing thats insane. gold star fo you.

#*sigh* i need to write a fic i guess #alice in wonderland #mad t party #rant #random long ass post at 9pm we doing it

[udon-udon]

back in the day i had a lot of online friends i talk to on a daily basis, esp in terms of like, group chats and stuff, but now i dont have any of that sort and even with DMs, i mainly only talk to 1-3 people on the daily, but even then we don’t talk that often anymore cause theyre busy and stuff so i kinda just float around like a ghost LOL

but even nowadays, it’s hard for me to reach out to ppl/friends cause im always afraid that they dont want to talk to me, so i dont talk first, but even if i do talk first it always ends up only as a catch up convo, and then what? wait another year to talk to them again to catch up again? idk man we don’t have anything to talk about anymore that it just becomes forced and i hate that, like u know, trying to drag on the conversation just to talk? i got ptsd regarding that bruv. i do want to talk to these people cause i miss talking to them! but we barely have anything to talk about anymore... perhaps im always still stuck in the past, holding onto what we used to have, and comparing to the now where we dont have that anymore and then it makes me sad. Also like, if i get a sense that you don’t seem to be enjoying talking to me or you’re giving short replies or something then ima bust out of there cause i would like to think you’re wanting me to take the hint and stop talking. so ima bust out of there and not drag it on any longer. Of course, there are defs some people where catching up feels super normal and thats all we ever do, but it never feels forced with them u know?

im the type of person that will talk if u come to me, but is super afraid of going up to people in fear of me crossing a line they didn’t want me to cross. maybe that has something to do with me constantly needing reassurance/affirmation/permission to do things idk LOL

so hopefully in 2023, i learn to just put everything in the past and keep reminding myself that things change, people change, I have to change. its crazy out here and i definitely need a therapist, but i dont want to dwell on things anymore!!!!!! screams into the abyss

#times were much simpler in early tumblr days haha #it just feels nice to belong somewhere u know? #it kinda just hit me again cause i was talking to a friend #he was talking about something and im like haha can't relate and hes like cause u dont talk to people and im like :\ #im not bummed out over it #it just makes me kinda think u know #udon writing introspective posts again #at least its not a sad post

[fictionfixations]

Aphmau. uhh... Thoughts?

So I've just. I remembered that I kinda wanted to know about what happened with aphmau from give-grian-rights' (no @ because i dont wanna bother em lol) profile thing cause i think in their pinned post there was something about aphmau

and like

so then i went back and searched 'aphmau' and like. so there was a document (< this is not mine)

so i read it. and just

bro wtf

no but why do like almost all the youtubers from peoples childhood just turn out really shitty?

and then uh. yknow i didnt know there was fuckin.. sib on sib?? i mightve missed it because its been awhile since then but like. what??

i mean okay, so I watched Aphmau when I was young, don't ask me how old I don't remember, but like.. so I joined around Season 1 or 2 of PDH, or Phoenix Drop High if I remember that right, I think maybe probably either towards the end of Season 1 or in the middle of Season 2? I can't remember but I remember waiting to watch it (I remember seeing that theres a new episode and clicking and then im not allowed to watch it because its not approved or whatever cause i had the i think restricted mode on lol ??) HAHA SPOILER WARNING FOR THE SERIES IG? its all from the memory of me though, who is really forgetful and watched it like years ago \/

uh. so. uhh i really dont remember what series is which -- the fuckin, that one season where they're like.. isolated. in the snow. in like a cabin (and theres that one ghost girl thing i think she was a ghost that fuckin kissed zane or something idk why that was so memorable?)

and like.. so ein is there and like. so yknow, children exposure to aphmau being like drugged or some shit (add on to this: I roleplayed with people on like Hypixel housing cause I found Aphmau fans and like.. i dont know man, the drugging was certainly a part of it with the whole green eyes and stuff)

bro i dont know why i thought that was normal?? i mean no one goes up to a child and says 'drugging people is bad' so i mean how was i to know??? and i was just like 'AWEE <3 <3 <3' I DONT KNOW MAN I LIKED BOTH SHIPS??? I WAS WEIRD I WANNA SAY I DIDNT KNOW ANY BETTER BUT LIKE ?????/ i mean the whole thing made me cry a lot because it was sad and shit but like.. thinking back on the plot now, idk man it was kinda weird

bro the only controversy i knew she was in was like when she for some reason fired all the i think VAs of the characters?? she fired someone and it was all really controversial but i was like 'uh.. this is fine-? idk man i just wanted to watch minecraft roleplay'

and she just like kept dragging it out and i dont think it ever happened (but her content nowadays isnt something i like watching)

also i like.. i rewatched one of her series, one of her newer ones i think with hte demons and shit

My Inner Demons

okay so like.

that show had a lot of adult jokes?????/ idk man maybe it was just me but there was like an amount of sexual-ish stuff and its just ???????????? and i dont remember that when i was a kid but i was oblivious to everything but like.. why put adult jokes in kid show i mean i think it was a kid series i dont really know but her whole channel is like some family friendly show to watch?

i cant name any specific scenes because its been too long but like srsly i feel like it was one of those storylines from a fanfiction that is probably offensive no but like

its y/n x demon boys basically

so that show never really hit hard and wasnt all that memorable, but i am sticking to my claim of adult jokes, and i might be wrong but i swear there was like at least one thing also while we're on the topic of her shows, can I mention like.. the entirety of Mystreet and the fuckin.. WAF??? When Angels Fall or something (the only reason i remember that name is cause WAF.) i like half dont remember what was going on but like

okay so i think so Aaron was like this special type of werewolf thing that I can't actually remember and when he looked at people -

i cant remember

did they die?? IDKK

BUT SO LIke it was like some fairytale thing BUT IT WAS REAL-- wait no i think he got rid of peoples hybrid features cause i think in like.. the series with Ein and the cabin he like went all 'D:<' and then ein lost his fuckin ears and shit /?

I THINK

but so like people were hunting em down because so they were wanted because of that and i dont know why. NO I THINK THEY WERE MIND CONTROLED WIHT THE THE emerald potion? forever potion?? IDK THEY MADE PEOPLES EYES GREEN AND MIND CONTROLLED THEM THEY WERE DRUGS (but the potion is like.. illegal? forbidden?? WELL NOT ANYMORE actually i think travis who i ThiNk is the white haired dude with like green eyes?? ' dad had like the book or something-- i really dont remember)

i ermember that they were probably mind controlled because katelyn or something, the blue haired girl had like green eyes i think and she was attacking aaron

uh

and then i think everyone was fuckin.. dying? i dont know what the fuck happened but then like blah blah blah adn then aphmau fuckin i think goes white eyed and like. irene from MCD or Minecraft Diaries.

with wings

and then i think it ended there wtf im so lost.

its like one of those stories where youre the protagonist so then you end up going a little overboard with crazy ideas that make zero sense when you look at the full picture or some shit idk

aghhh

#aphmau #thoughts

[bbarican]

august 28, 2022; 7:10 pm - long weekend

long post ahead! i feel like i havent really had the time again to just sit down and update my tumblr (and even myself tbh) with everything thats going on with my life so fair warning this post is going to be super long but feel free to read along

work:

i hate how work is all i ever think about nowadays kasi wala naman akong jowa, all my friends are busy too, tapos na yung board exam pumasa na ko and everything so talagang when i have problems at work, its all my brain can think about and its really exhausting

ill try to go in depth again about work in another post next time pero all i can say is its both really fun to be challenged but also its just really tiring too kasi it isnt the most ideal way of being challenged (if that makes any sense)

im just really thankful for my work friends kasi they constantly remind me na oo nga pala im not alone and they understand me more than anyone could kasi theyre living through these challenges too

family:

my tita and tito are leaving this week and its really bittersweet! i love having them here kasi nga its a great break from the mundane but its also very tiring to constantly have to be a host every single day so all in all im just really glad they got to visit and that they had fun here during their stay!

sana most of my cousins could come to our house tomorrow for my little celebration kasi i really do miss them plus ang daming pagkain na balak lutuin/bilhin ng nanay ko and i dont want that to go to waste

i miss my kuya so much and i wish march would come sooner para nandito na siya for a few months of vacation

i love my family and our dogs so much and im forever thankful for all the blessings we receive everyday and that we're always safe

personal:

where the fuck did this rain come from? it was partially sunny from yesterday to this morning and now its pouring again - i love the rain, not so much the lightning, but i really hope it doesnt rain tomorrow

im so excited for tomorrow kasi my brain is already making a mental to do list of the things i want to accomplish tomorrow before guests start arriving

im so emotional and extra bloated kasi magkakaroon na ulit ako ng period and most of the time naaamaze parin ako sa flor app kasi sobrang accurate niya when it comes to telling you how long before you get your period again (that is, if you make sure to always update the calendar once you do get your period)

i dont exactly know what to wear yet tomorrow - and yes inisiip ko parin yun kahit na sa bahay lang naman kami magcecelebrate

i got the tiny spray bottle that came with my keyboard cleaner to work! akala ko sira talaga siya ever since i got it pero i think i just havent been pushing it correctly all this time lang

i kinda want a cute mousepad too kasi ang panget ng mousepad na gamit ko whenever i use my laptop

music:

talk that talk is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better than pink venom when it comes to comeback singles

im so so so happy about twice sounding more like they did around mid 2019-2020 kasi thats my favorite era from them and im just really happy na talk that talk fits that sound ive always been looking for from them

super love the y2k mv, the choreo is AMAZING, the song is really cute, and i really love how maganda yung distribution of lines nila in the song

theres this particular song i recently fell in love with and instead of gatekeeping it (even though im sure some of you might already know it) im going to share it with all of you kasi its one of the loveliest songs ive discovered in a really long time - golden hour by jvke; reminds me so much of call me by your name and feeling like youre in italy and falling in love and being outside, basking in the sunlight with your lover - i really hope someone, someday, remembers me when they hear this song

and thats it for another update post! again if youve made it this far, thank you again for reading my updates; i hope you all are doing okay and are staying safe and dry!

happy long weekend, tumblr! sulitin na natin to!

#bbarican #prsnl #personal #thoughts #writings #updates #life #recently

[kpophubb]

Hi honey:) thank you for your support 💗💓💖

I think I did I literally bit better with my studies today , at least I’m not that anxious but still stressed 😩

Thanks for playlist , I’ll make sure to check it out ~~💖

Bebe and ITZY song? Whatttt? Haven’t heard anything about it , is it out now?

I’m so happy for you , u are in a better place that’s so amazing , and I’m happy there’s something that exists you :) I hope you will get your albums ~<3

I’m happy for Jake ( Jake or jay recovered?) 🙈🙈🙈

Are you a foodie? What do you like to eat ?:)🥨🍇🍳

Hope you have an amazing day , sending love (hehe by this text & by thoughts ) 👀🙈🙈❤️

How’s your niece ? Are you still involved in family gathering ?☺️☺️

Tags Are you so CUTE 🐱 YOU ARE CUTTER 🥒😌😍😍😍

~ 🐁

Hi my 🐁 anonie 🥺💞 good to hear that you’re doing better today!! 💘 yep the song is called “break my heart myself” it released today morning aish I WON at life bc it featured English yeji/ryujin vocals! They even did a studio choom dance cover of it before, maybe you haven’t seen it. I didn’t know bebe would literally COLLAB with them after the cover but there we have my queen always promoting kpop 🥹💝 yep heejayke they all recovered but their stamina is so low…:( covid actually makes our bodies tired and brain functions slow (for those who’ve had it before) and they had it twice so they were saying how they feel so tired nowadays :((( I really wish I could nurse jake and take care of him :(( </3 I really love caring for my loved ones. It makes me feel very happy. It’s always loving>>> being loved for a giver like me!! My skz album is already dispatched and I’ll get it within this week 😍 I’ll def show you MY PULLS OKAY? (I’m manifesting a lixie pc aah 😭🤲🏻) as for enha </3 I’ll order them after a few months bc the pob reseller is not found yet!! I want the weverse pobs too so after I find resellers who can sell me the goodies I’ll order albums together. Probably around November, good for me cz that will be a gift for my jakey’s bday as well!!!! Ahh me? 👀 I LOVE seafood 🦞 the most (minus sushi I don’t really like sushi) and then I’d say fast food? I’m a big dessert lover so I love pastries, cakes, donuts, and oh coffee ☕️ for sure! I don’t really eat that much at all…bc I start feeling insecure if I eat too much and feel like I’ll gain weight..it’s really stupid..but yeah :||..DONT EVEN YEA IM STILL BOOKED, gonna go visit a lake bridge tmrw and I really don’t know what to wear..plus the main thing is it’s so HOT ☀️ and I hate summer ;;-;; ! I have eaten so much lately haha and missed workout sessions so I gotta grind 🏋️‍♀️ after everything too! I HOPE YOU ATE WELL TODAY AND LOVED YOURSELF A LITTLE MORE THAN YESTERDAY. YOU DESERVE LOVE AND AFFECTION YOU ARE AMAZING MY BABY 💕💓🥰🤗

#🐁 anonie #mia’s asks #engene 💌 #i just love hearing u talk about what you do throughout the day 🥺 #it’s just so so cute my god���💗 #love sharing and talking w you <33 #💖💘💝💞💛💛

[pinkadork]

Im fine

Its not like ive been setting myself up what feels like forever to both really and also i guess not at all always be in the cycle im in. The predestined fuck up ig my moms a fuck up

Im a fuck up

I cant stay a job apparently

I’m too scared of every if and but when it comes to trying it to be creative and do things like i used too, nowadays i feel like its tainted because im not even finna be doing it because i like it anymore, but instead just proving i didn’t give up, when i did

I was tired, emotionally drained, put in a position i nor anyone really asked for but guess whose grandparents this belonged to

Im not a fucking mistake or a right person wrong time

I am a nigga thats has been struggling and it was before you sure but everyone in the fuck ass house kept trauma bonding new and old covid didnt fucking help.

How the fuck are we fucking but aint no protection or immediate showers available

How am i toxic for not wanting what felt like more like a: fuck my poor ass boy friends and dementia ridden grandparents( and while its not anyones job to guide me if we in a relationship and you feel some way say some shit some how ) the weirdest ( but unfortunately not worst) living situation ive been in, the deepest most confusing, loving yet infuriating, real yet faux ass relationship ive had with anyone.

Like even now I physically am sick to my stomach about the idea or notion of again my ex, someone who has dumped me like at least twice since July and lowkey high key didnt even count it it was like a secret trial i failed because ofc im not sure of you actually love me mr. I tell the world you beat me but sure we can play minecraft

Fucking the part the gets me the most about this is i know you know how i feel and its just

I feel set up

Like genuinely not just the relationship shit

And im not gonna act like i dont play my role in shit and attribute a lot to the shit that get me and others where we are but jfc im tired

I’m not the brightest bulb but im not a fucking dumbass

And i did more than read the room, i saw the patterns, felt the vibe shifts, and tried so fucking hard.

Its sad whatever im pathetic but i think i knew without saying it (and even saying this it doesnt mean all the people out with then bc some are still here and we cool but fucking) My ex was the realest mf i had in my circle, and which is probably why its hard being like man aint no fucking way we went out like that. Im not for the see you in a few years shit, im not for the go fuck around like i aint give my heart, i was (am) a dumb nigga that went to to college before dropping out after missing all my classes so i could be attached virtually at the hip to them

Its not their fault and for years i didnt feel that at all.

But the second i saw that they felt like they wasted so much on me and this that whatever man my blood got to boiling on some seafood type shi

Its like

You can do evil

They can do evil

And be vindicated and justified in ya own right because in ya head this is just karma and you standing up for ya self and

Then its like i do evil snd immediately fold because i aint mean shi

Nigga got slammed by me 2 or three times

And everytime it was some bs

I let you convince i was being an ass for feeling threatened because " weight and height and muscle” but fucking niggas never care about perspectives

Yeah we are arguing

Yeah im loud, which is infuriating because my usual everyday speaking voice whether it because i subconsciously (now very actively) am aware of how loud i can be, is actually very quiet and i tend to have to repeat myself and even did to my ex because yeah

Fuck im so high man

Its been awhile since i ran out of actual medicine

Like i feel like ive said its been like two weeks for like a month now.

Now i gotta go through new everything, finding insurance, therapy, reassessments, medication changes, so much has happened and yet nothing has, i got fired today, i think, i mean i definitely got the text “Your assignment is finished do not return anymore” but this is the first temp agency really that ive been at , its just like

Like that?

Its kinda how sudden i end up either in or out of someones life, ex, family, friends

Sometimes i feel like ive been so many different me’s and am constantly “coming of age” (metaphorically speaking or in case thats ominous still, like i feel like i do in fact get older but do to circumstance, bad choices, and a lot of fuckening, i very much am learning alot of basic shit i shouldve known, or yes i am just now learning how to not be like donny on the wildthornberrys

I truly was happy and want to die everytime i think about how unhappy i made them

Make them

The wont miss me when i die because im alive and they surely dont is the thing i come back to whether wrong or not it is

Sometimes i cry about things i dont know are true bit definitely feel on my gut or for those in the loop my LN

You can keep my heart in dont want it anymore

I know realistically im bugging and i just feel bad and i need meds and yadayada yada

Im gonna be blunt with ya chief, im blowing my fucking brains out gn

#gonna start uploading #when i stop im just done

[defineamni]

Update: April 2024

I just knew that we lost weheartit for quite sometime now. I love weheartit. Although i visit there bianually. Old people sentiments. Sigh.

Now i lost my favorite blogger as well. I'm sad and upset. Things are moving away, or maybe should i say, memories are fading away that's why i'm holding onto these things close to my deepest soul.

I'm into my 9month working as houseman. Everyday is a stretch. Always struggling to get up in the morning. Now is Ramadhan so i push myself to have my sahur however it doesnt get better after that. Still tired and not enthusiastic at all. How the hell adults can continue working for 20-30years? I cannot go on like this for another year. Sometimes if not always I dont even know why i need to work and have this career but then i remembered, i'm a materialistic girl. Good point. To buy new clothes, to eat good food, to travel the world, to pay for wifi, to rent a house, to fill up gases, to meet new people, to become independent and just to live up people's expectation. Basically i need to continue working not to mind how dead i am, inside out. Not to offend anybody, but i dont think being a houseman is not a career, it is just a job and a way to survive. Regretting things also my new hobby. Ranting about colleagues, bosses, management, and how hungry and sleep deprived we are, is not uncommon. There you go, no time for me time. It's always their time. I cannot believe i put myself into this life. I actually chose to struggle. Cannot blame anyone. Damn. Should've become a teacher just like my parents. At least you get 2 days off, and 7-5pm working hours. I'm so tired but i still have the energy to write this, to go shopping. This is my problem. I couldnt stop spending money. Knowing that money is so difficult to earn, i lost them to some non essentials like i'm a millionaire or some sort of chaebol. I hate myself for this but i dont do that, i might hate this life even more.

Good thing is, hurm let me think...

Never mind. None for now.

I looked back my photos during uni times, i understood why i'm still single until this day. I was so ugly, i feel so sorry for people who need to see and look at me. If i happened to look and meet myself, i would hate me too. I mean how much hate can someone have towards ourselves, probably i am my strongest enemy.

I mean nowadays, i tried to improve my appearance but some things cannot be changed even if you try isnt? Really sorry, family and friends, from my deepest heart.

I just want to go Japan again but i know this year is not a good time to travel overseas. Furthermore, i dont have the time to go any way. But i still want to go there again in near future. Maybe i can find my other half there? Sorry for stupid joke.

I missed my mom so much. It has been 2 years but it feels like yesterday, the day she gone. Now i know what ayuni feels. I dont really want to go back home. I prefer to travel. Going home is tiring. To the mind and soul. I cannot do anything, my home now feels so alien to me. I cannot get used to it like before. I keep doing the same things, and no one can understand why i do so. It's not like i try to change things, i just want to keep things just like when mama still around but i guessed that is too much to ask. So i gave up at some level. Well i cannot do everything alone.

#life #travel

[thesunandhermoon1]

i dont know when i started to be unsatisfied from life

i used to wake up and "smell the flowers" even if they are were rotting

and some day, it shifted to i wake up to a life that's not perfectly how i pictured it, and it makes me frustrated, i disconnect from the changes of the world cause i can't really accept it, i don't feel like i belong . i used to wait for new music to come out now days it just different, has this chill vibes that gives me the creeps, i used to look forward to movies but every movie is nothing i am excited about, it's just a random thing to put me out of boredom, so i go back to to the things\music\ movies that made me feel good but things changed, i changed. it feels different.

is it growing up? is it just me not understanding the way to cope with the world? when will i get the feeling i wake up and i am so thrilled to be alive, that there's this hope of things to come.

excitement of the changing of seasons, looking forward to getting in the head of challenges, looking life straight in the eye, growing and seeing the effects of it, just this feeling of continuity of life, that it goes how it's not supposed to, but in some wholesome natural way.

we as a whole, got stuck somewhere, we don't have that anymore. and i miss this feeling, of joy of being alive, how can i wake up and say thank you "lord" for what i have if i don't really want to be alive? i don't want to be around people nowadays because of how they feel, how they think, everything is so aggressive, and righteous and black and white, and right or wrong, and doing vs not doing, and just this energy of pushing, pushing me to this thing i didn't ask for, pushing me to deal with things that are not my concern or responsibility, pushing me to comprise all the time, pushing me to overall being selfish cause it's too much, and pushing me to this edge of abyss. of distrust, and to the notion that i will not see the day of thinking and believing the beauty of this world.

[until-things-get-better]

i keep having dreams about darby (i used to code their name as 'her' on this blog but they are literally nonbinary and go by theythem now so that doesn't work) and it's making me so miserable,,, when i wake up i feel so much warmth and happiness leave my body and it hurts everything,, i hate what happened and i want to explain things but they are probably never coming back, i don't even know if they love me anymore, i don't know how you could love someone as confused and afraid as me,. i made so many stupid requests out of things that my ex traumatized me about, things that i needed help with but shouldn't have asked for// like being terrified of my phone aand sometimes being just being frozen and unhelpable,,,, and i had a friend that was being really manipulative,,, it's SO HARD to just mute idiots in my life,,/ i still hear stupid things my ex yelled at me for, i still think of the advice that friend gave me when i was trying to be a good friend for darby, i wish i could've just muted all of the noises and kept one of my favorite people in my life :(

i don't know if you'll ever talk to me again, iiim crying again right now because that seems so real//// you might never be in my life again and yet i keep dreaming about you,,, i dreamed we were in japan together for the first time and we were running around buildings talking about things we wanted to see and games we liked,,,, we went into a super cute building we were supposed to stay at and it started flooding in this weird tunnel system under the building. water was rushing all around us and we were scared and holding hands and trying to figure out what to do and i ran and found the room and everything was super peaceful. ii rremember hugging you and being exhausted and falling right asleep next to you and//// it haas always always been my dream to fall asleep next to you ,, and maybe you just think im a loser nowadays and maybe you don't love me and maybe all of this is lost and will never be heard,, but i ran around with you in a new place and was so happy. you kept holding my hand and pulling on it to get my attention when i was looking around at japan and i felt this intense warmth that never went away. things in the dream got really random at the end, like i accidentally brought weed and was freaking out about that for a long while, i was about to reconvene with you when the dream ended and i felt all of that hope wash out of my body. i just dont have that warmth and happiness that i did when i was next to you anymore,,, i looked forward to a moment we could spend together every month and maybe that's pathetic but you made me happier than anything else in my life :(

today im doing okay. i have some games i really like and im trying to finish making a game and squarsh is a good friend and that friend group is a great community for me. i was really close to them last year but i just. it feels like you are in my dreams 3x a week or more and it's happened intermittently for years////. iii miss you and nothing made me happier than you and i don't care how pathetic that is,,,. you seemed happy too when we could spend time together, iii wish we could be happy together. i wish i could've just tuned that person out and never listened to her telling me that you were trying to manipulate me. i wish i wasn't so easily taken advantage of, i wish i haven't been abused so many times and therefore untrustworthy and scared////// // i wish i wasn't this broken person, this painful lost person,,,, i loved you and my trauma made me listen to advice i never should have,,, i love you so much and i hate what my mind has done. i love you and i don't know what to do anymore, i loved your identity, you were so nice and so much more understanding than anybody else of my suffering. tthat i sometimes went out and cried in the bathroom and needed help////// that i wanted to be hugged and cry with you///// i don't think anybody else has ever made my heart feel understood like this,,,

[ninjaghostdev]

When is Normal Again.

Came across this post from one Alex Navarro

I'd been thinking to myself a lot about this.

March 17th 2020. That's when the schools shut down after spring break. My oldest started spring break excited to go back to class. Then she couldn't.

March 20th 2020. We were in full lock down mode, have to work from home.

Jan 17th, 2023: we're still working from home

--

I can't even properly describe to my young kids how weirdly.. unassuming life was only 3 years ago today.

I look back on videos and photos, and I see essentially a completely different world than what's out there today.

Things that have come back to normal… are different now.

(For context, my oldest was in Grade 1 on Spring Break when her world got flipped upside down. My youngest was only 2 years old. Her entire conscious life has been under this pandemic, and her whole world is dominated by the environment and society it's created in the aftermath.)

My oldest got to enjoy making some early memories out and about with people she loved, doing adventures on the sky train, going to malls, indoor playgrounds, fairs, and school events. Some loved ones, by the way, who are no longer with us by the time my province started relaxing measures, and who never got to see the other side of covid measures.

We try to do a bunch of the things we used to do, but the vibe is completely different now. Pre-sign up to an indoor playground because now they limit slots to like 20? Pre-Schedule going to the swimming pool? The malls are.. effectively gutted and sad now, not much in them survived.

What's worse, my oldest used to enjoy going to extracurricular classes like cooking, art, dance, etc Nowadays she's lucky to get into swimming lessons. Everything else gets canceled on her due to "lack of interest" because no one is sending their kids to these things anymore.

My youngest by the grace of whatever deity has been able to enjoy some ballet classes.

My oldest however misses all these activities she used to be able to do. Her excitement to show us the new thing she baked. Her genuine enthusiasm over bringing home a new painting or paper craft. It's been almost 3 years since she's last been able to enjoy these.

My own world with my own interests has changed rapidly too. I dont want or need a lot. A computer, primarily. Some basic stuff like DnD rule books and such. I even got into firearms ownership as a Canadian, but even there I didn't seek much, just some basics.

But of course, thanks to the supply chain and production issues, it's made everything i'm apart of a scalpers paradise. I've been finding a lot less joy in these things. Mostly because I just want to forget anything better than what I have might be out there, because it's become to damn unattainable at this point, it might as well be.

And then the inflation hit. Now my family and I no longer live comfortably. In just a couple short years, i've gone from a life of, honestly comfortable plenty, to a life where im back living paycheck to paycheck. I didn't leave my employer, in fact i've been there 9 years this March. Im not making less, in fact i've never made more in my life. The rapid inflation, new installation of poorly timed taxes, and strained production rising prices across the board for just about everything..

I don't know, man.

It's been downright depressing watching my world, my country, and my province deteriorate into shittiness around me, and stay that way or get worse. Yeah I know there's people out there who have it far worse than me, but im allowed to feel this way too.

I wonder.

I really do wonder.

If I'll ever see a day again where I can wake up, take a nice breath, and go "Yeah, ok, this is close enough to the way things felt in October of 2019."

[tasteofthatgoodlife]

26 julio 22

Es tan dificil recibir todo lo que más habías soñado en la vida, y saber que no eres lo suficiente para ello.

Desde que recuerdo, fui una niña de 10. Sacaba la mejor calificaciòn porque id make my parents happy and that would make me happy. 

Nowadays, I dont know where my brain is. I dont know where my true being rests. I feel like I´m sitting in a dream, those where everything is foggy, you cant seem to make out what happens, and whats actually going on, but you feel something. Very intensely. And you try different things every day. To work through it. Sometimes they work. Sometimes your days are actually pretty happy and enretaining. But the core problem persists, its still there. And will always be there.

No matter what I do and what I try, I feel like I keep on shrinking. No matter how much I try reaching out, it’s like everything becomes clearer. I’m blank. Its not what i am, but rather what I’m not. I’m not what everybody else is.

I can’t think. Like I can’t even think. And the more life advances, i feel like i’m getting dragged by. Whats the point of getting one of the greatest jobs, if I’m not even able to do it right.

Whats the point of getting into one of the greatest universities, If i don’t have even the language or cognitive level for it. I’ve just been priviledged with opportunity. The cv really does lie.

It tells you I got honours for my bachelors degree. What it doesnt tell you is I went to a lousy school. Where there where barely any classes, and barely any reading.

Reading. It’s so essential. So important. I get jealous of all the books read in their university times. All the reading I could’ve done. It’s like I’m a car missing out parts. Shit. Fuck that. I dont know one thing about fking cars. Bad reference.

I dont know how to fking fit the mold. Theyre all lies. Yeah, I manifested into getting a job, and my fkin dream. It came true. But thats bullshit. None of that really matters when your own selse of self doesnt align with any of that.

And I’m tired, of people around me pumping me up. It’s dangerous, to tell someone they’re something positive to make them feel good, when it turns out to be a lie. Don’t lie to anyone, ever. Thats toxic positivity to me, right there.

I am entering a warzone unarmed. That’s what I feel. 

I can’t not go to the uni. Why? I dont know. What does anything mean anyway. What does getting a job, and going to university mean anyway. What is being smart. What is thinking. Why do we do all this stuff everyday?

I mean yeah, we do it to solve problems. Make life bearable. Do shit so we don’t die right away.

I really dont know what I am. Like I know in my core who I am, and all that really actually matters to me are people. My friends and fam, they’re the only thing in this world that make sense. 

But it gets hard. It feels like im in an acting scene, but I’m the only one who didn’t get the script. I don’t know what is personality. What is banter. What to talk to others about. What is anything.

Suddenly, I have no memory anymore. Like my brain is fried out. Maybe from the weed and alcohol. 

Like fk this. I have to forcefully depend on being something in society. But my society mask is so fragile, I dont’ know what part to play out. I dont know how to respond, interact. Where is my mind? Where is my creativity and intelligence. Where is my capacity to withhold information.

Suddenly, words are no longer here for me. I’m just existing. Being present. Getting dragged by others. I’m just standing there, letting the tide move me, side to side. 

I don’t understand what is happening to me, and why. The only thing that makes sense is my capacity to understand my own mental processes. 

I know, that if everything else fails. And i know I will probably be unable to keep my act up for much longer. I cant keep on pretending, i feel like someone will figure it out. Call me out on it. Finally someone saying that I’m incompetent.

I find comfort in knowing I can be useful. Thats the thing though. I dont have 0 confidence. I know I’m smart, but not the kind of smart I need. It’s like a thick glass wall separating my mind from the rest of the people. Those who really know me, understand. And love me as I am. But I cant reach out to others. Its like the real me is stuck inside this inner cave, screaming out “hey! I’m here! I exist! I think! I am!” but the words cant come out, and instead, there’s silence. 

A deep silence, a transference in the signal, broken chords, broken cables, that distort the message, and out comes the un-understandable. 

[squidtaxidermy]

a rant abt missing things all the time ig

#it feels like all i do nowadays is going around and missing everything i dont have anymore #i miss being a kid and having an imagination and ambition and being proud of myself #i miss field trips and packed lunches and falling asleep on the bus ride home #it never hit me how much it hurts to know i might not ever feel that way again #i miss the animals at my last school and the days in 1st grade we would have practical work w them all day #i miss the smell of hay and the smell of fresh veggies and seeds we’d give to the birds and rodents #i just wanna go back in time and hug my kid self and tell her to enjoy it all #i should be enjoying it all now too but its so hard with everything going on you know? #im 20 in a month #i want to be 20 but i also really dont #squid.rants

[bluewinnerangel]

Larry and their grandpa aesthetic: an impressive collection

POV: you’re having grandpa and grandad over for coffee

And with impressive I mean I unhinged. This became quite big. Here’s a collection of pictures, gifs, and videos that give off grandparent vibes, either with their clothes, pose, behavior, or all of the above, in the least serious way possible:

Grandpa/ma Harold Edward:

Granddaddy Louis William:

how do phones work

Open for full unhinge mode:

That time they went on that mediterranean cruise for the elderly:

(new addition thanks to new content:) wore matching gramp socks-in-slippers (thanks to @skepticalarrie​ for this comparison)

Had a nice daytrip walking around in Italy

DONT FALL

gave up on getting grandpa to quit smoking a long time ago (this WHOLE paparazzi shoot said GRANDPA RIGHTS)

When Louis William reunited with his friend Fabricio

And then they spotted his wife Francesca

Louis William and Francesca (I mean this stance is just one hell of a granddad)

Fabricio showed them where to find the good wines

Then they went back to the cruiseship

actually they just walked to the caddy, she can’t walk all the way

Grandma got a little bit confused when she dressed herself like this

grandpa pls just put the glass down (she got that elderly wobble while keepin’ them shoulders rigid, what a beauty)

also can someone help them up

I had this bit of text at the beginning of the post but moved it down as I was told people be lazy (I mean same) and skip things with text and I don’t want my dear lazies to miss out on this bigass meme... Still feel free to skip this, but I want to briefly point out that not only is this aesthetic hilarious, it’s also one of many devils in the details that might give away they’re not nearly as different nowadays as their public images make it seem (you know because they’re still together still going strong) as this is a pretty specific shared vibe. With that I don’t mean everything in this post, but what can be seen in some of the gifs: the stiff little movements that are just... not fitting someone in their late twenties. That aren’t a common thing to do. But that they both do. (you know how people that spend a lot of time together share mannerisms, this being one of them). They both got them moves like granny. That’s all.

Back to unhinged grandlarrie’ing:

whatever this move is, it’s 0% someone in their twenties and 100% retired..... really is he 80?

and that’ll make them 78, checks out.

with his cane

grandma imitating the youths

and granddad responding “YES EXACTLY THATS WHAT THEY DO” and then just keeps wheezing

somebody help grandma with the karaoke machine

Grandma’s hands (which, by the way, is also in Harry’s quarantine playlist)

(this is closer to toddler behavior but it’s so cute it got a pass:) William they bought one of those fancy chairs from television!

Oh yes they did haha silly chairs can’t believe what they invent these days

“back in the day this is how we danced 3 4 5 ”

that time grandpa got confused and took his garden chair out for a walk, then got tired in the middle of the street

grandma wants 2 croissants

Apparently trumpets were invented after his time

literally i had to make 3 gifs

it took him that long

He’s so happy once he figures it out tho but i digress

Grandma doing that one trick she thinks will entertain the youngest of the litter

Granddad in HIS chair telling those stories he’s already told

“Louis William cut it out right this second, you are annoying our visitors”

thinks harold will be the literal death of him

When you make the mistake of trying to show her memes I mean you know it’s in vain

and then she shows it to pops

grandma at soccer practice

mans rigid

grandma went out

careful you don’t pull a muscle with those hasty movements

when the elderly try to get up but their muscles kinda wobble like

no description just sassy grandpa

when we lost grandma in the hospital and found her on the wrong side of the isolation ward

“my hips just aren’t what they used to”

grandma can’t bend any lower or it’ll be permanent

granpops is never going to get out of that couch, should’ve put down one of those high chairs from the patio for him to sit on but he keeps leaving them in the middle of the street... (also this lil leg tap behavior, this man is ancient) 

grandma went out again

Pure elderly wisdom energy (GOLD)

That muscle rigidity that just comes with old age while talking about your career after retirement (JUST. GOLD.):

Face aside does this look like someone in their twenties to you

honey I think my neck is stuck         -             fook mine too

no thoughts just gramps

when grandpa tries to show he still has moves but the wrist locks

and grandma teases him

but then he got it out

just this

2 croissants

Some of granddad’s fav old pics of his love

grandpa face, back is a plank, stiff movements, at least pops got out of that low couch relatively easy

grandma when she realises the annual family photo in front of the christmas tree is about to happen

just this

Harold I know dancing in the kitchen is your thing but pls be careful the last time you were in the hospital for weeks

losing a bet with his buddy from college

when the kids are around again and you’ve fallen down but are trying not to scare them

these

you know the kind that steal food from buffets in napkins

and even try to take the plates

going to get the kids from school

wait actually got lost

realising he yet again got into a couch he’s not gonna be able to get out of

maybe not even try to caption this one

And the matching other half

this fking stiff mfing run PA PLEASE DONT WHAT IF YOU TRIP

in his chair again

judging his stories again

grandpa stretches 

2 croissants

This video in its entirety is just a grandpa bickering with his son and disagreeing with everything just because those god damn youths of today

and then your grandson makes fun of the shit you said and you try to be cool about it (while you have NO CLUE how in the world he got a picture of you as an avocado and how he was able to put it on a t-shirt) 

When you have a school history project and ask grandpa for an interview but immediately regret it once he starts talking because there’s just no way it’s going to keep your classmates’ attention:

This video of Grandpa Louis giving grandpa wisdom while pretending he isn’t stuck in that chair

It’s the ultimate grandpa video. Literally the entire interview he’s just like this:

And Harry’s Ultimate Grandpa Mode

Bonus: 1D era:

when you find out your kid still doesn’t let the grandkids eat candy I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DONT LET THEM HAVE IT ON A DAY LIKE THIS

this is just a grandma trying to be cool and dance with the kids

and grandpa’s into it

just grandpa coming for grandma

when grandma says something out of character to which granddad loses it and you’re scared his teeth are gonna pop out right into the salad (yes you’re the kid in the middle holding up your hand ready to catch it)

both of them remembering he’s still not getting out of that couch without any help

when your kid still doesn’t let their children have any candy

her legs just don't work like they used to before ( @sryluvidrc​​ you genius )

how do phones work

lost attempt at entertaining the younglings

rigid. rigid. rigid.

married and old

and old and married

really just really old

that one framed picture of them in all their childrens’ homes

JUST SO OLD

and proud after how they didnt fall and break their hips

oh god grandpa WATCH IT

a few drinks in, decided to risk their lives with this

I mean they were already rigid little old people right from the start

Anyway send love to the grandlarents <3

#I love them so much #We should all call our grandparents more often #grandma wants 2 croissants

[sukisdeliveryservice]

hello!! could i kindly request for a student campus crush! wonwoo hehe and you’re best friends and have unrequited feelings but u dont know if he feels the same so over a sleepover u tried confessing and you can continue from there hehe -🐼

let me hear you say | j. ww

✎ pairing: best friend!wonwoo x female reader

✎ genre: collegel!au, friends to lovers!au, mostly fluff

✎ warnings: none!

✎ wc: 2.40 k words

✎ notes: hi 🐼 anon! i got a little carried away with this one because soft, cuddly wonwoo makes my stomach do flips but i hope you like it! i'm not sure how i feel about my portrayal of yn here because i wanted them to be really supportive of wonwoo but kind of having a hard time because of their feelings towards him. i hope i was able to express that without portraying them as kind of eh :/

“Don’t you ever get tired?” You take a quick glance at your best friend as he folds up another piece of paper with a phone number written on it.

“Of what?”

“Of everyone in this school falling head over heels for you,” You say like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, proceeding to look back down at your notes. In reality, you were trying to prevent yourself from looking at the cute (albeit, confused) way your best friend was staring at you over your abrupt question.

“Well I can’t say I’m not flattered, but there aren’t really that many people yn,”

A total lie, you think to yourself. Every time you two walked around campus, your best friend attracted the adoring stares of all your classmates like some hotshot celebrity. Yes, he was popular, and yes, he totally deserved it, but if everyone knew how dorky he was, maybe they wouldn’t be so quick to hand him their number after a single conversation.

Another lie, if everyone knew what a nerd Jeon Wonwoo actually was, they’d probably fall for him harder. You would know of course, first hand experience taught you a lot of things.

It taught you how endearing it was when Wonwoo wore oversized clothing, so that he could pull the sleeves over his palms when sipping on a hot drink at the local campus cafe. It made you realize his habit of pushing his glasses up his nose, because he was too stubborn to get the bridge adjusted. It made your insides melt whenever he was nervous because he had a habit of fiddling with his fingers. You were certain that if anyone was completely head over heels and absolutely smitten by him, it was definitely you.

“Not many people my ass,” you scoffed, “you spoke to her once, just once! And now you are holding her number.” Wonwoo laughs at your poor attempt at hiding your annoyance, “For your information, we were talking about a group project, and exchanging contact information. Nothing more, and nothing less.”

You gave a little huff before going back to pretend-studying, you definitely couldn’t focus when he was sitting right across from you. You knew you were more prone to jumping to conclusions nowadays, and you hoped that Wonwoo didn’t notice your shift in behaviour. In reality, you couldn’t help but feel a little pang of worry whenever your best friend was asked out on another date. And while he rejected the offer every time, you worried that one day he might say yes and you could lose him forever.

Not that you were against Wonwoo falling in love someday. If he found a good person that he wanted to be with for the rest of his life, you would support him in a heartbeat. It was just the selfish feeling that blossomed in your chest that prevented you from feeling any true happiness for these kinds of situations, and you hated it.

You knew that he would never abandon you completely, because Wonwoo was the best friend you could ever ask for. But you also knew that it would kill you inside to see him sweep someone else off their feet.

You’ve known Wonwoo since high school, and you definitely harboured a puppy crush on him all of first year. This was back when he was still trading pokemon cards in the gym stairwell and poking at you to buy him something from the milk vending machine. The crush went away eventually and you found yourself enjoying the rest of your high school career with your closest confidant by your side.

Once you both entered university, Wonwoo had a sudden growth spurt that now put him a total head taller than you. He no longer lurked at the stairwells during lunch and instead made lots of new friends that he went out for coffee with. He started dressing nicer, and once he exchanged his old glasses for a pair of round silver ones that rested on his nose so perfectly, he instantly transformed into someone straight out of a kdrama.

Now, you have caught feelings again. And you’re scared to admit that this time a puppy crush doesn’t even encapsulate everything you’ve been feeling lately. Of course Wonwoo’s sudden change in appearance didn’t spark anything new in your feelings towards him. It was the fact that he had a new air around him that was just completely different.

Wonwoo in high school was shy, and you loved him for who he was. You two had your own small circle of friends and you would spend all your time reading or playing games in his bedroom. Wonwoo in college however, was breaking out of his shell and being the first to approach people and make new friends. He was still introverted of course, shyness and introvertedness were two different things after all. But you were proud to see Wonwoo take the initiative to make plans more often and reach out.

Wonwoo has also gotten a lot more comfortable around you. He’s grown fond of resting his head on your shoulder after a long day of classes, and wrapping you in his sweaters whenever you came by his flat. In conclusion, everything about university student Wonwoo, was driving you, (and probably the entire campus) crazy.

“Hello? yn? Don’t you have a class soon?”

You swat away the hand that was waving in front of your face to meet the eyes of the cause of all your heart troubles. One smile from Wonwoo and you were in shambles. You had it really, really bad. “Right, right, sorry I was just...distracted.”

“We’re still on for tonight right? You can just head straight to my dorm after your last class.”

“Of course Won, did you really think I was going to miss out on another rewatch of Extraordinary You?”

“Of course not,” Wonwoo chuckled. You were met with another one of those soft gazes from him, and you immediately tried to break your stare. Something in your heart tells you that you should just confess right now, and that Wonwoo was a sensible individual who wouldn’t let go of your friendship if he didn’t feel the same way.

“Hey Won, can I tell you something after class later?”

“Of course.” There was that smile again. If you weren’t so busy trying to slow your heart rate down, you would have caught the way his eyes brightened at hearing your question, and the way he looked down to twindle with his fingers.

You give Wonwoo your own smile before heading off to your last detour of the day.

Sleepovers with Wonwoo always consisted of a mountain of blankets, a never ending pile of snacks and a show to watch before eventually both of you fell asleep. When you arrived at his flat just as he was adding the finishing touches to a home cooked dinner, you realized that sleepovers with Wonwoo also consisted of another thing: Your tragic inability to keep your heart rate down.

“Dinner will be ready in a bit, you can just wash up and get changed for now,” Wonwoo turns to greet you before adding some pepper to the tteokbokki.

You nod and head over to his bathroom, where you already find your change of clothes resting on the counter. Any outsider would have been under the impression that you and Wonwoo lived together, considering that pieces of you were scattered all over his apartment. From the matching toothbrushes that were kept by the sink, to the drawer reserved only for your clothes in his bedroom.

The only reason that you and Wonwoo didn’t room together upon entering university, was the fact that your parents were wary of you rooming with a boy you weren’t even dating. Not that it mattered now, considering that you at least spent two nights at his place away from your own dorm.

After you showered and changed into your pajamas, you realized that Wonwoo had given you one of his sweaters to wear, instead of the usual shirts you slept in. Usually you would have raided his bedroom after dinner to steal one (you slept much better when you wore his clothing) but this time it appeared that he had taken the initiative for you.

Once you stepped out of the bathroom, you saw that Wonwoo was already sitting at the dining table and was on his phone. It looked like he was texting someone, and you felt your heart sink a little when he laughed at a message. No, you are not going to be jealous. You are going to be happy for your friend because he deserves all the happiness in the world.

“Is that the girl from your group project?” You sat down across from him and started piling the tteokbokki and rice onto your plate. “Yeah, she said that the professor just sent out a mass email to our class, saying that we were going to be given an extension. Turns out that email was meant for another course, but everyone is already celebrating the new deadline.”

Wonwoo shuts off his phone and turns to you, “Was there something you wanted to tell me today?”

Right. You were going to confess your feelings. It was now or never, and you weren’t sure if you could hold it in much longer. “I can just tell you after dinner, I’m starving.”

Tragic. Tragic. Tragic. Why couldn’t you just say the words, “Hey Won, I have feelings for you, do you feel the same way?” Must you be in a spiraling paradox of questioning the presence of unrequited love in the relationship you had with your best friend? Yes, most definitely yes. Since the world likes to make everything difficult for those in love.

Dinner was eaten in a comfortable silence for the most part. You liked that you never felt the need to fill the air with more conversation whenever you were with Wonwoo. There were days where you would just sit in each other’s presence and do your own thing, and those days left you with lots of time to ponder on your feelings for him. Tonight was the night that you were going to say these feelings aloud for the first time...you just needed a bit more time to procrastinate.

After you both finished your food, you relocated yourselves to the couch. You fidgeted with the end of your (his) sweater while Wonwoo searched for the show on Netflix. You figured that you would let him know in the morning, since there was a chance that you two would fall asleep before the episode ended. And you didn’t want to confess beforehand either, in fear of having to endure a brutal one hour of awkward tension if he didn’t feel the same way.

“Who would have thought that out of all the days the wifi could have chosen to bail on us, they chose the day where we were going to find out whether Haru belonged to Dan-oh’s story or not,” Wonwoo fiddles with the remote some more, while you panic in silence at the thought of spending the night with no distractions from your feelings.

“It’s not like we don’t already know how it ends,” You take deep quiet breaths to calm yourself down, you can definitely make it through the night, “We can just do other things.”

“What do you have in mind?”

You couldn’t answer him right away. The only thing you had on your mind was the fact that Wonwoo’s hand was now resting on your knee and that it was baffling how good he could look in pajamas. Wonwoo, sensing your inability to form words nervously glanced up at you before moving the conversation in a different direction, “Look, I know you had something to tell me today yn, but I realized that I wanted to share something with you too. I am in love-”

“I am in love with you Jeon Wonwoo!”

There. You blurted out a long-awaited confession before the anticipation consumed you whole. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from your hands in fear of seeing the look on Wonwoo’s face.

“Let me hear you say it again.”

“What?” You turn to Wonwoo, who no longer looked nervous. Instead, he wore the biggest shit-eating grin on his face that made you want to both kiss and strangle him. “Say it again.”

“Not when you look like you just won the lottery you nerd, you didn’t even say-”

“I am in love with you too yn.”

Well, you were never one to complain about the fact that your feelings were returned. But the way Wonwoo was cooing at your adorable expression of shock only made you want to shove him off the couch.

Which you proceeded to do.

“Hey! Aren’t you happy that I like you too?”

“Of course I’m happy! You didn’t have to try to beat me to my confession though, tonight was going to be my night!”

“You didn’t seem like you were going to say anything for the rest of the evening! You were going to wait until the next day weren’t you?”

Absolutely yes. “No!”

Any remaining tension in the atmosphere washed away as you and Wonwoo made fun of each other on the living room floor. You were beyond relieved and a little giddy that your best friend in the whole wide world saw you in the way that you saw him.

“But on a more serious note Won, were you also going to confess tonight too?”

“Actually no, but once you came out of the washroom wearing my sweater, I just had to say it before I tackled you with cuddles or something.”

“You gave me your sweater instead of my clothes to wear!”

“I know!” Wonwoo was holding your hand now and rubbing circles into your palm. The idea of cuddling the entire night didn’t sound so bad. “But you looked all nervous and shy and I was hoping that you were going to be the one to say something first.”

“Can we just agree that we confessed at the same time?” As the adrenaline from the confession began to slip away you suddenly became very tired, and you were hoping to just spend the night in the arms of your favourite person.

“Deal. So can we cuddle now?”

#seventeen #seventeen x reader #jeon wonwoo #wonwoo x you #wonwoo x reader #seventeen scenarios #seventeen fluff #wonwoo #chanberriees request #chanberriees fic #seventeen scenario #wonwoo scenarios #jeon wonwoo x reader #wonwoo fluff