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#it feels like it’s been 2 full days since 1 pm yesterday when I woke up but I know that’s not right that’s not what the clocks say

marvelousell · 4 years

Text

The Agreement (Part 3.)

Pairing(s): frat boy!fwb!Tom x reader, frat boy!Harrison x reader

Summary: Tom is a typical frat boy, his love for partying, drinks and girls are bigger than his ego. Y/N is a whole different dimension, she keeps her circle small, and even though she knows her best friend Tom is a total douche, she can’t say no to the little deal that was sealed between the two of them.

Word count: 2.5k

A/N: Here it is guys part 3.! I’m so glad you all like this series, and I’m so grateful for all the amazing comments and reactions you send me 🥰. I would still appreciate it if you reblog, leave a comment or send a feedback!❤️

My tag list is open for this series!

Warnings: mentions of smut, swearing, mentions of alcohol

Part 1. Part 2.

Masterlist

“Tom get that.”

“Tom your phone is ringing.”

“For fuck’s sake.”

The annoying beeping of the phone woke you from the deep slumber.

You were so jaded. The sharp pain in your muscles and in between your thighs made you yelp as you tried to sit yourself up.

Your eyes were burning, aching for more sleep.

“Are you deaf or what?” You said, finally opening your eyes.

However you were welcomed with an empty bed. The right side of the bed was cold, so it meant he went away a long time ago.

Stupid you.

“Well what did you thought Y/N? That he would stay in the morning, snuggle you up and make you breakfast?! Of course he would leave, that’s Tom after all.” You let out a loud sigh, crossing your arms, clearly annoyed that he didn’t at least tell you he was going home.

“A fucking message would be polite Holland.” You muttered to yourself.

Okay calm down. That’s how this thing works right? You wanted this, so we’re going to put the feelings aside.

“Okay the overthinking needs to stop, everything will be just fine.” You said, sliding back into your bed.

Hey it’s Saturday, nothing to do so why not?

Oh wait if it wasn’t Tom’s phone ringing it was yours.

Who is even already up at this time, and on weekend as well?

11:50 AM

Already noon? That explains a lot.

1 missed call from Anna

3 text messages from Anna

2 missed calls from Tom

3 text messages from Tom

So he did call after all. Lucky me.

Hey you up?

It’s almost noon Y/N you never sleep that long, call me when you wake up.

Are you going today? Do you want me to pick you up?

What the hell are you talking about Anna?

Did I make some plans and totally forgot about them? That would be embarrassing.

Morning love, I just wanted you to know I left early because the guys from the frat needed me. Didn’t want to wake you up, thought you need that rest after last night.

You still sleeping or? Did I dick you down that good?

Never mind. Harry is having a chill barbecue party tonight, so he told me to call you, Anna and Amelia are going too so they told me they would pick you up. Also take a bikini if you want to.

Dicked me down to good?! Idiot.

So the barbecue party is what they are talking about. Cool.

Will there be more cute girls? Probably.

And boys as well, so that means let’s have fun.

He isn’t the only one that can enjoy himself.

To Anna:

I’m going, pick me up around six.

Oh you better! Take that red cute bikini, some bird told me there will be some hot guys.

Typical Anna. But she ain’t wrong.

Stupid pain. I’m a mess, my room is a mess.

I need a break for sure, and a bath would definitely help because limping all day is a big no.

The scent of the eucalyptus oil filled the whole bathroom. The warm water mixed with it reduced the soreness and stiffness that was making you feel exhausted.

It was what you needed, enjoying the silence and some me time.

Until the phone rang again.

“Are you kidding me right now?” You groaned from the feeling of the chilly air coming in contact with your warm body as you tried to reach your phone.

Tom.

“Hello.” You answered, closing your eyes to relax as much as possible.

“Good morning to you too love. Didn’t wanna answer my calls eh?”

“I was sleeping Tom.”

“Yes, but you replied to Anna’s messages.”

“Well she needed to know if she will pick me up or not.”

“So you’re going?” He asked.

“Of course I’m going, wouldn’t miss that.”

“I kinda called you to say that I’m going to ask Sophie for that coffee, so God please help me and get her off my dick.” Tom continued, hoping that this will go as planned.

“Mmm great.” You moaned, the bath doing the job, making you feel ten times better.

“Are you touching yourself?” The voice on the other line spoke. You could practically hear him smirking.

“Excuse you?!” You screeched, not believing his words now.

Well there goes your relaxing time.

Thanks Tom.

“Nothing to be ashamed of. If I was you, I would do that too after the good sex last night, with me in your mind, rewinding the scenes that happened.” He laughed through the phone.

“Your ego is really bigger than your dick Holland.” You joked, but still telling the truth.

“Ouch sweetheart, should I let you finish what you started? We don’t want you to be that infuriated tonight.”

“For your information I’m having a bath. Trying to relax a bit.” You spit back.

“Ohh, so I did a good job after all?”

“Goodbye Thomas, see you tonight.”

“Sure sweetheart, see you.”

He really was a pain in the ass sometimes, but there was something that made you totally hooked.

You ended the call, standing up from the bath drying yourself up.

“Let’s find that bikini then.”

It was 5 PM now, the doorbell echoing through the small apartment.

“Just a minute!”

“Hello to you too gorgeous.” Anna’s singing voice lightened up your mood instantly.

The anxiety was present. Normally it would just be a stupid barbecue party. All good, nothing to worry about. Anna, Amelia, Tom and Harry would be your company, you would all enjoy the night, talking and drinking together.

But after everything you couldn’t suppress the nervousness that was making you almost puke.

“You look beautiful Y/N! So I believe that you put on the red thing right?” She smiled, winking at you.

“I did. Who knows maybe someone will love that old piece?” You joked, looking for your bag.

“Oh come on, I have someone for you to meet tonight, he is totally your type!” She began, “A great opportunity to set aside the crush for our famous lover.”

Anna was the only one who knew about the silly crush on Tom.

I mean how could she not? You, Tom and Anna were inseparable since you were little kids.

Harry was younger so he joined the group later.

Amelia was the last addition. You two met in college, clicking immediately. So you introduced her to others, and that’s how it began.

“Fair enough, I do need someone right?” You questioned, styling your hair.

“Yes! It has been a while since you have had a boyfriend, and sex.” She raised her eyebrows, sending you a cheeky smile.

Yes, it has been. Especially sex. Fifteen hours is extremely long. I agree with that Anna.

“Oh, wait you had company yesterday?” She asked, eyeing the two wine stained glasses that were on the kitchen counter.

Crap.

What am I supposed to say now?

“Uhm, n-no..both glasses are mine.” You said, hoping that she doesn’t suspect something.

“Both?” She asked suspiciously.

“Yeah, I was reading a book. My regular Friday night, and I was in the mood for some wine. I kinda put the first glass in my room, and when I went back to the living room I was already tipsy and I forgot where I put my glass, so I just took a new one.”

“Christ what a lame excuse Y/N.” You thought, feeling your cheeks getting hotter.

“Not going to lie, that sounds like you. You’re so confused when you get drunk.” She laughed, making you relaxed.

“Yeah, yeah…totally. Are we going now?” You said changing the theme, exhaling the air that got stuck in your throat a few seconds ago.

“Let’s go, you’re boy is waiting!”

Jesus give me strength for this night.

“Y/N! Anna!” Harry yelled, drawing the attention to us.

A chill barbecue party? This place is almost jam-packed.

“Well long time no see Harry.” You smiled, embracing him in a tight hug.

“Since Monday. I know you can’t go without me that long.”

“I guess I can’t.”

“You two can get a drink and take a seat or whatever you want. I still need to finish this food so I will find you after that, yes?” He asked.

“Don’t worry Holland Y/N will definitely be busy in a while.” Anna stated, laughing together with Harry.

“Oooh yes, forgot about that.”

“Why does everyone know something that I don’t?” You asked completely confused.

“Enjoy yourself Y/N! Why don’t you get us something to drink and I will try to find Amelia?”

“Sure, whatever.” You answered, still a bit suspicious because of their behaviour.

The place was starting to get full. The music that was playing in the house was loud enough for you to make your way to the kitchen as fast as you could.

You were looking around the house trying to find him. You couldn’t help yourself.

The kitchen was small but at least empty, and it had a view on the whole living room.

You put Anna’s drink on the counter, resting your back on it and looking at the sea of people, hoping you would catch at least a glimpse of Tom.

And you caught more than a glimpse for sure.

Tom and a familiar blonde attached to his hip.

Nothing unusual.

If only he wasn’t that dumb and blind, so he could see how much you like him and how a relationship isn’t a bad thing.

If only.

You are his best friend but you still didn’t know him.

Tom was a great guy. He had a good heart, but why didn’t he trust girls? Why is commitment such an issue for him?

Many questions were in your head right now and they were all unanswered.

Oh Tom, I definitely need to lose these feelings.

“He sure knows how to get a girl.” A male voice spoke behind you, making you turn instantly.

Wow.

You were greeted with a pair of deep blue eyes that were fixed on yours. His broad smile and perfect teeth were absolutely breathtaking. They could brighten up every girls day.

His figure was leaning on the fridge, drink in his hand. He adjusted his glasses, still looking at you.

“You mean Tom? Yeah, but only in his bed.” You joked, making him laugh.

“You’re not wrong.” He spoke.

“I’m sorry I didn’t introduce myself. Harrison.” He extended his hand, waiting for your name.

“Y/N, nice to meet you.” You took his hand in yours, the warm feeling sending chills through your body.

Jesus those irresistible blue eyes.

You were smiling like crazy, possibly looking like a fool.

“Beautiful name.” He spoke.

“Thank you, yours is not that bad either.” You smiled, unable to keep your eyes away from him.

Oh shit Anna’s drink.

Well she wouldn’t mind.

“Would you like to go outside maybe? A bit to crowded here.” He asked.

Is he really asking me to go with him somewhere?

Just be yourself Y/N.

“Sure.”

“After you.” He motioned you to go first, standing close behind you.

How incredible would it be if Tom saw you now.

However he was to busy facing the girl that will be his partner for the night. He was whispering in her ear, making the blonde giggle.

You couldn’t judge, you fell for his actions too.

This is just for fun. This is just sex. Nothing else.

Keep that in mind.

Someone out there is waiting for you.

“What do you say?” Harrison’s voice was ringing in your ears.

I zoned out again, why am I so embarrassing?

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you the music is just too much.” You turned your head, his face now close to yours.

“No worries. I asked if you would like to sit there.” He asked one more time, pointing to the small table in the garden.

You nodded.

There were still people around you, but his presence was making you more nervous than them.

You didn’t feel like this in a while, that’s a good start.

“So..you’re here with someone?” He began the small talk.

“Yes, with my friends. Couldn’t miss Harry’s ‘chill’ party.” You laughed, emphasising the word chill.

“Harry and his chill parties.” Harrison laughed, seeing where you’re coming from.

“You know him?” He added.

“Harry? We’re best friends since forever.”

“Really? How did I never met such a beautiful friend of his?”

You were blushing like a teen girl on her first date.

Who wouldn’t? Look at him, he was not just handsome but kind and sweet as well.

“I’m not someone who would immediately catch a boy’s attention, but thank you.” You smiled, glancing at him lowering your eyes on your drink.

“You sure caught mine.” His sweet voice spoke back.

The damn weird feeling in my stomach. Is he really making me feel these things already?

“Oh stop it you’re making me blush.” You covered your face, grinning widely.

“I think that you’re absolutely adorable when you blush if I may add.” He laughed.

Harrison was smitten.

He just wanted to get himself a drink and go find Harry.

However his plans were interrupted by a gorgeous girl in a pastel dress.

She was already lost in her thoughts when he stepped inside.

Harrison still got a perfect view of her face that was staring at the crowd forming inside the house. He saw her looking at his best friend, her facial expression turning into a disgusting one after she saw Tom fondling the girl’s bare arm.

“First girl that doesn’t find his flirting intriguing.” He thought.

He needed to talk to you. You were something else, he didn’t want to lose the chance.

Thank God he found the courage to say something, because now he wouldn’t be here sitting with you. Looking at the most engaging smile ever.

“Thank you.” You spoke, trying to calm yourself.

“So.. You and Tom?” He smirked rising his eyebrow, waiting for an answer.

Oh no he saw you staring.

Harrison was just curious. He saw the difference between you and other girls from college, but he still asked that.

“Me and him? God no! I’m his best friend.” You replied, putting on a disgusting face.

“Hey I don’t judge, just asking.” He put his hands up in in defence.

“But honestly, you don’t seem like that kind of girl.”

Now you were the one waiting for an answer.

“What I wanted to say is that you seem very bright. That the lame flirting attempts aren’t your weakness and that you’re not an attention seeker. You’re a girl who knows what she deserves. Gosh that sounded better in my head I’m sorry.” He chuckled, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I just think that you’re pretty cute, not like the other girls here.”

This guy.

You couldn’t get enough of him. Hopefully he will be around here much more.

“That’s so sweet of you. Thank you Harrison, it turned out really nice.”

“Just the truth beautiful.” He smiled at you.

“Well, well, look what we have here.”

Tag List

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@fanficscuziranout

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1212

Yesterday.

1) What was the weather like? Did it change your plans in any way? Disgustingly hot and sticky and humid. I had to turn on my aircon at two points during the day because it reached a point where I was literally incapable of focusing at work. I don’t really have ‘plans’ on weekdays so I can’t answer the second question.

2) What did you do yesterday, anyway? OMG it felt like I went to war and died. I work with the team behind the BTS Meal and since it launched in the Philippines yesterday, it was all hands on deck to make sure every single aspect of the promotions went smoothly. I couldn’t even focus on it 100% at first because another client of mine also had a huge event yesterday that we couldn’t afford to fuck up, so it was really a chaotic fucking day and probably my busiest shift yet. I was up by 5:30 to do preparations for both clients, and ended the day by 8:30. It was absolutely wild.

3) Did you eat breakfast, lunch and dinner? What did you have? I didn’t eat at all throughout the day; I didn’t have time to. The first thing I was able to have was a can of Pringles by like 5:45 PM when we were winding down and I didn’t eat anything until 8:30, when I ate the laksa that my dad left for me.

4) Did you do some form of exercise? What? Nah, I don’t really exercise.

5) Who did you spend the most time with? My workmates, albeit through Viber.

6) What television shows or movies did you watch? It falls under neither but I watched a few episodes of Run BTS when I finally clocked out of work since I wanted to watch something that would make me laugh.

7) What time did you get up and go to bed? I got up at around 5:30ish, passed out by around 1 AM even though I wanted to stay up for much longer to take back the life I missed during this whole week lol.

8) What was the best bit about yesterday? I liked that even though everything was very crazy yesterday and that I ended the day feeling more exhausted than I’ve ever been, at least it was for a campaign that I happen to literally genuinely a huge fan of.

9) What about the worst? The idea that I had back-to-back big campaigns with two brands happening at the same time.

10) Did you talk to anyone on the phone? Who? Why? Just a rider asking for directions to my house when I was expecting a delivery.

Today.

1) What time did you get up? As tired as I was from yesterday, my body clock still woke me up at my usual time haha – 6 AM.

2) What are your plans for today? Be lazy. And maybe make the laksa that my company had delivered to me earlier this week. :D Then I should probably be checking the statuses of all the merch I ordered from April-May because it’s already June and they should really be on their way to the PH at this point.

3) Have you eaten any meals yet? What did you have? I had more Pringles this morning but it didn’t fix anything so I’m feeling pretty hungry now.

4) Are you planning on seeing your friends or boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope, no plans for today.

5) Does your favourite television show air today? I don’t have a favorite show.

6) Have you spoken to your parents yet? Yes, when I went down earlier to ask my sister for some help with something.

7) How many texts have you received? In my head there’s 0 but I could possibly be ignoring some texts. Idk, I haven’t checked my messages app yet and have no plans to.

8) Are you planning on going to bed early? No. I actually want to pull an all-nighter tonight haha, I did nothing but work all week :(

9) Have you done anything remotely productive today? I’d say resting up is still productive, so yes.

10) How much money did you spend so far? Are you planning on spending more later? None. Let’s see. I might buy the BTS Meal again later LOL the Cajun sauce is really yummy!!!

Tomorrow

1) What time do you have to get up tomorrow? 9 AM at the latest because Sowoozoo delayed streaming will be by then.

2) What do you hope the weather will be like? I am desperate for some rain to come. I’m so fucking sick of sun.

3) Is there anything you’re dreading about tomorrow? It’s Sunday; the entire day makes me feel dreadful and anxious.

4) Is there anything important you need to do, or can you just relax? It’s Father’s Day and I got a gift for my dad, so I’ll have to remember to give it to him hahaha. I got it weeks ago and it’s been sitting in my closet since, and I keep forgetting I’m already all set for tomorrow.

5) Do you have plans to see your friends? Nah. The next time I’ll go out will probably be next weekend, for Andi’s birthday.

6) What do you hope will happen tomorrow? I’ll be watching Sowoozoo again in the morning then celebrate Father’s Day. I might also do some early work so that my plate won’t be as full come Monday.

7) Are you going to wake up at home, or somewhere else? I’ll be at home.

8) If you don’t have any plans, what do you think you’ll end up doing? Hopefully more surveys because I haven’t taken a lot in one sitting in a while.

9) Do you have to get a work out in at some point? Nope.

10) Will you be working or studying at all? Yeah, I might.

#survey #surveys

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undesired-attention · 3 years

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I woke up this morning really anxious and feeling guilty and nauseous. I’m trying to just sit here and relax a bit. I checked her labs for this morning and her hemoglobin is 6.6 so she’s going to end up getting blood transfusions today. WBC count still 27, but stable from yesterday which seems like a good sign. I tried calling the ICU last night about 10 pm to talk to the nurse and just make sure she was doing okay since she had been back from the surgery, I ended up kinda getting the run around and ended up having to call twice and the second time they left me on hold for a full 10 minutes so I hung up and accepted I wasn’t going to talk to anyone last night, but the nurse called me back. She was doing okay, they got her off one of the pressors which was good. Her HR was a little elevated again but she was moving around in the bed while I was on the phone with the nurse. I’m going to call maybe about 9:30-10 this morning, visiting hours are 10-6, I almost feel bad calling but I don’t wanna show up and them be like oops were in the middle of doing X and you can’t come in right now. I’ve been calling when I wake up and getting an overnight and AM update and then letting them know I’m coming down. I need to call my manager sometime this week and let her know what’s going on. I think I need to take a leave of absence, but I’m not sure how to go about it at all.. I was looking into FMLA which i qualify for, but my dad said my manager shouldn’t give me an issue about just taking me off the schedule and letting me use PTO. I have about 4 weeks regular PTO built up and 2 weeks extended PTO, and 3 personal holiday days I could use. I’m supposed to work Thursday and Friday and then Monday and Tuesday, I don’t think I’m going to be able to go in any of those days. I think she’s going to be a train wreck when she wakes up, 1. She didn’t want a colostomy, that was a life altering worst case scenario for her, and 2. She was only supposed to be sedated and vented for 48 hours and it’s turning more into 4-5 days per what they’re thinking right now, at a minimum. She’s going to need me there, my dad went through this with her when she lost her arm and I don’t think he can handle another life shattering moment with her, my dad is tough to read his emotions but that’s part of the problem, I know it bothers him but he has a hard time saying that or expressing it. It’s also weighing heavily on my mind that all of this could happen again in a few weeks, a few months, a few years. Once it happens once it can always happen again. My mom is only 46 years old, she’s so young, while I think she is going to need a lot of support through this I also really feel like I am too. I’ve been in touch with two of my closest friends on night shift, one of my close friends from outside of work, and two of the girls on dayshift who my mom is friends with. Along with my family obviously. It’s just so fucking much and I’m so overwhelmed.

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shytiff · 3 years

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Apr 2021 Wins

Started typing this on 4th apr lmaooo

1 - went to mcd. bought chicken + rice with the app promo. there’s a staff helping me on the order machine lol i feel badd there’s no need to do thatt. ate my lunchmade by mom at mcd’s muschola and went to sbux bcs its tumbler day. green tea latte w skim milk as usual. sent dr triya’s translation. ecmocard. started rereading goong (AGAIN. i probably have read it like 3 times minimum). still bring some feels

2 - its holiday today. spent almost the whole daylight rereading goong (turns out its pronounce ‘gung’ not ‘gong’ lol ive been wrong all this time) and finished it. the scene where they stare at each other, separated by the castle door, always gets me. got the old ipad charged (the screen are like 30% close to detaching and falling apart) and started AOT

3 - spent the whole day reading AOT. i like it when i have mini purposes in life (eg: finishing a manga series). AOT rly talks a lot about what do you want to do in life, the consequences of your choices and how you have to live with it. i felt triggered in a good way. the characters dont rly judge other’s choices, but they question them. discuss about it. give you some moral push. second gladi today. my vbg was still filpped hhhh. read aot until i felt sleepy and fell asleep. woke up very near subuh and prayed isya. my toxic trait is the horrible self care (and im talking bare minimum lol hehe lmao)

4 - finished aot. Asked irun about some aot explanations and she sent 5 paragraphs in one bubble. Slept. Flavola, kopsus coklat and somay. Also ate japota honey butter. Did 1 long input of ecmocard. Followed baepsae choreo. Moved my body a bit. Wow im not immediately sleeping. Amazing

5 - arrived at harkit 11-ish and went back about 1pm loll. super hungry when im arriving in kalideres. bought tahu colek worth 3000 (i wonder how the seller hears me through my 2 layers of mask), roti sisir and some ice cream in alfamidi. my fitlife protein powder ran out again. its my 2nd already. did some ecmocard, wasted my time after maghrib

6 - woke up late. did not have the mental strength to go to harkit so i decided to just stay home. bought sbux 1L green tea and macchiato. wasted the daylight and finally did some ecmocard in the evening,,,,

7 - off to harkit 7.30-ish pm in the rain. Took some data for ecmocard. Went to salemba to get tabung and surat bebas pustaka. Had breakfast slash lunch first, tried guudfuud (red rice, beef and omega egg). I like that the rice was not too much. Met up w ness ren and talked about isip dilemmas at sky. Afterwards went to flavola. Ordered mie rebus and roasted milk tea cause i somehow feel sooo hungry and in need of calories. It tasted so good, i was sitting in my usual seat facing the window, and the sky was a mixture of blue and grey. Brought croissant and sakura pocky at indomart. Ate the bread immediately after indomie. Went back home. Juan brought tahu gejrot that was delicious and crunchy. Internship files briefing by akis. Fell asleep

8 - woke up. Saw that dr retha was up for interview. Panicked. Thankfully it was at 12. I left home at 9:40 ish and arrived 11:50. Its a long ass way. Turns out i was interviewed with ka agassi. The doctors are so kind. They explained the gist of anesthesiology profession, and how its a choice you make, and its okay as long as you like what you do. Tried halo bowl for lunch. Sous vide chicken, rice, caesar sauce, beef bacon, and the deliciouss butter broccoli. Went back to kalideres and to starbucks. I only spent <2 hrs in there (a waste of money, i know). Bought decaf hazelnut latte (apparently the beans were kenyan something? Medium?) and butter croissant (need to cushion my stomach). Did GCP certification and sent it to the ever so kind mba Ai. Still got energy from the caffeine, did some ecmocard, read quran, read.... Toji fanfic 🤦‍♀️

9 - went to rsf w mom. We took the wrong way and had to take the long way but thank god theres still time to spare. Met dr rara. Some briefing. Went to rscm w agassi, submitted files for ijazah, went back to RSF. Girlll the cost of transport. MRT: 12K. Grab: 16-17k. Thats one way trip. Bought food at rsf canteen. Eocru briefing by the research coordinator. Ward tour w dr retha. Snacked on ovaltine provided by mba ai. Went home after maghrib by tj. Liqo along the way. Glad bersih (came late). Drank macchiato for some strength but still fell asleep quickly.i shouldnt have laid down

10 - kebakaran jenggot in the morning due to green screen positioning. Finally got the appropriate setup (after many fabric tries and cutting my mukena) at 08:30. Finished showering 08:45. Zoom was opened at 9 lmao. Somehow finished before 09:30. Zoompah w mom and dad along side me. After its ovee, some "photoshoot" w fam. At this point i was truly rly sleepy. Took of my makeup. Changed my clothes. And then racil silv dev showed up lol. I got gifts c: and then atikah came. And then i redid my makeup, this time with the help of friends to create fantastic eye make up look (which i can never pull off). Eyebrows by sil, eyeshadow and liner by cheldev lol. Took some photos. Dajen came. Talked. Videocalled w pupuy. A surprise gift from fianti came. And then chel dajen went back at 8. Still cant sleep. Slept at like 11-12

11 - lazed. Woke up, ate pizza (mom bought 2 of phd's 1m pizza) and bakwan, slept again. Matcha latte and ecmocard. Watched a bit of 2nd sinau

12 - off to rsf at 06:20. Arrived 07:15 ish. Lunch was ayam penyet accompanied by snacks that mba ai bought. Off to harkit at 14:05 (bcs my laptop somehow shut down and i lost all the unsubmitted data). And then off to kalideres at 15:30 ish to meet up w clara and search for clothes for almira's wedding. Went to lippo bcs clar saw this dress that kinda looks like the brokat given. We ate at ramen ya. It doesnt rly make you feel full, the filliny sensation was kinda like indomie. Saw that the dress looked different. Ate 1 boba pancake together at banban. Continued on to the tailor in kebon jeruk. The location was in an alley, and it was raining lol. Quoting clara: "the unnecessary struggles". The tailor was quite helpful (and she looks experienced). Arrived at clara's at 8 ish. Picked up by mom with car (it was raining) and arrived at abt 9. Hurriedly showered and tarawih and tidied up AND ITS ONLY 09:45. Its crazy how efficient one use time (and at the same time, how wasteful one can be)

13 - first day of fasting. The morning was spent taking samples. I stupidly took a sample thats not yet labeled im sorry :(((( i felt kinda tired and wanted to give up this. Give up anesthesia. Went back home at 14:00 and its cloudy. The bus was the nicer types and it was COLD. Read quran along the way. Picked up by juan. Opened laptop. And then its iftar time. I was sooo sleey and the tarawih was so long thst i closed my eyes along the way. Fianti called after tarawih, we talked til abt 21:30. And then i fell asleep

14 - went to rscm. Submitted serkom files. Met dr dyah and i hope we could somehow meet her again if we study in fkui again aamiin. Went to rsf by mrt. Arrived in lebak bulus just before it was raining. The bus took a while to arrive (usually theyre there, waiting). Its still raining like crazy so i took grabcar to AR from pesakih (39k). Played with my phone til iftar. Played phone again after tarawih and fell asleep

15 - i felt rlyy lazy and cant bring myself to wake up. Off to rsf at 07:15. There were coordinator ppl. Took sample. It was raining when i went back but i took grabbike from kalideres. Wasted my time and did not do ecmocard

16 - sampling. Snacked on keripik pisang at the room. Went back early at 13:15 ish. Picked up by juan. Sleeeept (and this is before the nightmareish mistake began)

17 - i did a mistake by telling dr retha (who took the sample today) the wrong patient (it switched in my unreliable memory. I feel terrible. Thank god shes quite chill abt it (?). Read jujutsu kaiseeen. Went to flavola. Did 1 ecmocard. Went to bandar jakarta baywalk by motorbike. Spent 135k and was quite full with many varieties. Arrived home at about 20:50. Turns out juan also had bukber with his friends. Phone call with fiiii, talked abt dimrob

18 - lazed all day, read jjk, finished my part of ecmocard (gave genky to ekal cause i was a dumbass at getting data). Ate mom's mentai rice, siomay. Drank green tea latte. Read jjk til 145 (mentok) at night. Proceeds to consume all things jjk lmaoo

19 - we took sooo long to get samples. Finished at 13:00. Went to rm with dr rara. Went back home. Watched the third sinau. Read the IMMACULATE jjk fics by celestialmechanics im IN LOVEEEE with the way s/he writes ughhhh

20 - samples took faster than usual. Mba ai did not came today. Went to RM and did some work there. Off to AR by 15:00. Arrived close to maghrib. Did not do any work afterwards lmao. Did not even wash my face

21 - magang as usual. Note to self: sit on the right side of the bus. Did nothing yesterday. Felt like shit after tarawih (but i showered before maghrib!!)

22 - todays problem was the swab sample not being there even though the staff allegedly already took it. Huft. Took a shower and out on vitacid (i cant remember the kast time i put on vitacid 😳 its probably been... a week or two?

23 - samples finished quite quickly. Already going home at 12. Lazedddd and lazed and lazed. Waited for emir to pick me up so i went to dm. Read an immaculate itadori x megumi fix thats just full of feels. Started demon slayer lets see

24 - literally just laid in bed reading manga and seeing tiktok and slept again and suddenly its 1 am. Showered. Still in a lazy mode. Havent begun clires work. Watched leah's vlog that said "go do things youve been putting off!". Finally finished the third and last video of Sinau Yuk ICU class with dr. Zeta, SpAn lolll even though the actual last class was on 7th apr. iftar was fish and chips and salad yuum

25 - woke up at like 1am since i slept too much yesterday. Ate tan ek tjoan bread and drank sbux matcha latte. Did some intern work. Read a bit of quran. Sahur. Cant even sleep again so i showered. Off with mom and dad (09:30) since dad’s going to get vaccinated at skk migas. Mom drove me to ara’s place (11:00). Talked a bit and even read quran again there. Off to GI (13:00) to meet up w regen. Walked around. Bought a discounted TBS green tea facial wash. Went back home by TJ (16:00). the bus station is a bit closer now. Arrived home close to maghrib (17:30). hurriedly showered and went to sleep (properly) after tarawih. A good good sleep since i got 9400 steps today and that tired me out lmaooo (bare minimum yall, i know).

26 - woke up still sleepy. Slept again after iftar and woke up at 07:30. Skipped shower and off to RSF lmao. Went to medical record. Walked to the front of RSF originally planning to go to lebak bulus by angkot but i saw none. So i went through mrt instead. Stopped by at kebon jeruk and walked 800 meter (that tireeed me and made me feel parched under the sun) to risma busana for clothes fitting. Took gojek to jembatan gantung (turns out the closer halte to flyover was taman kota). Iftar was chicken noodle and risol and banana and i felt fullll and i slept

27 - today is off day since im alternating with agassi. read quran. watched shadow and bone (with 1,5x speed except for kanej and matthias nina scenes). didnt rly do any magang work except the table asked by dr retha. i feel like usually im operating on 70%. sleeping more doesnt rly add that. i need caffeine or physical activity. before i know it, its close to iftar.

28 - i ((felt)) like i had a decent amount of energy today. shouldve done some work between sahur and leaving the house but i ended up reading vampire knight lmaoooo the scenes had no business bringing so much butterflies. sampling together w agassi. mba ai didnt come in today. after agassi left did some magang work. i also went to RM to ask for more RM to bu dian. took angkot to lebak bulus for the first time. paid 5k. i had no idea which angkot went to lebak bulus and the driver (somehow knowing the right words to say) said “lebak bulus lebak bulus”. didnt read much quran on the way back. i just close my eyes and relaxed. felt kinda low on sugar. watched more shadow and bone on the way back and at home until close to iftar. didnt do anything after tarawih. slept hoping i woke up early (which i did, at 3am. but i slept again)

29 - im supposed to have ample energy but i just stuck around my bed until its time to get ready to go. read some kanej fic lol. I dont rly do anything productive after arriving home

30 - made intern log, magang as usual. Did not go to rm. Finished watching shadow and bone. Rested bcs tomorrow's saturdayyy

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ellaintrigue · 4 years

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I need my peace.

I've struggled with PMS on and off for years, and let me tell you, PMS mixed with PTSD is so rough. I've heard of women getting murderous with that type of shit but I can still rationalize, fortunately. The first day of it I'm mad, the second day I'm emotional, the next day mad, etc., and it lasts about 5 days until I bleed.

My mother tells me to not discuss health issues in blogs or when I talk to men. She tells me to be less emotional, and not cry, especially in front of people. I've never wanted to cry in front of people, and in fact, I barely cry at all, but during PMS + high levels of stress it does happen. And sometimes I just cry and let it out and feel better. When my grandmother lay dying in hospice I got choked up and my mom turned to me and snapped, "DON'T START THAT" and I felt so trapped and miserable. My grandmother was doped up with her eyes rolling up in her head and gasping breaths from her heart failing and it was very hard to watch. And I may be a coward but I honestly would have felt better if I could have just cried a little. Not sobs but just some tears. After I left that day I bawled my ass off in my Oldsmobile. She'd never tell me to stop.

I hate censorship. I hate people saying racist things, gay-bashing, and calling women bitches and hoes, but when it comes to raw emotion and expression, where is the harm? Am I hurting someone that reads this, in admitting that I cry? In admitting I have period problems? In showing my body? I'm just... a human. A messy, scarred up, bubbly, angry, happy, sad, fucked up human. I can't write about happy beautiful things every day because that's not realistic and I don't want to.

Yesterday was eventful and also full of emotion, but not a negative day. I stayed up until 10 PM which is rare for me, and didn't eat. I last ate at 1 PM and woke up this morning starved and weak.

I definitely have some PMS still, and, any day, I want to lay in bed for 15 minutes after I wake up, either with my eyes closed or while listening to some music. I seriously need that little pause before I start my day, but some days IT IS. SO. HARD. TO GET.

I woke up shortly after 5:30 this morning, stretched, and did some thinking over the events of yesterday. I was in a good mood. Then I hear FaceBook messenger go off twice. Okay, whatever. I should turn the notifications off for the night but it's just too much to remember and fuck with somehow. I wish people would just not message me between 9 PM and 7 AM lol. But I do enjoy talking to my cousin, and let her know I had to go soon because I hadn't eaten in 16 hours.

Then the cats start slamming at my bedroom door, my dad texts me, my friend Trent dings messenger, and I'm just like, holy shit. Then my cousin mentions this gentleman she keeps saying I should talk to. I said if he wants to say hi, he can. She initially marketed it as the guy worked a lot and needed friends. You know, whatever. She first brought it up two months ago, then brought it up again today.

I'm not judging, not trying to complain about my cousin trying to be nice to me, but I talk to a loooottt of people. If someone wants to say hi to me, they can, but regardless of whether this guy wanted a friend or someone to date, I'm going to be more focused on people my own age. I know so many people over 40 that I really just want people under that and he appeared to be 50. For a while I had trouble finding friends so I participated in a social site outside of FaceBook and now talk to whoever from wherever. I also find men to talk to sometimes, to see if there's a dateable connection, but that isn't something I put much pressure on at this time.

I was involved with someone amazing mid-pandemic and am capable of getting men, it's just not something I'm going to write about or tell everyone. I think people have the misconception that because I'm a survivor of violence and a feminist that I have trouble dating but that's more my own pickiness. When I whine about dating scene things I'm just blurbing and blowing off steam, not exuding desperation. It would be lame to blog about who I'm actually talking to at the moment and spoil things. I do not need people making connections for me. 🤷‍♀️

I finally excuse myself from my talk with her, close off my computer, and leave my phone upstairs to do chores. Put my two male cats in their kennel while I clean their box, clean the old cat's box, and she whirls around my legs. She's become increasingly manic after developing a skin allergy to dry cat food. She's fine now physically but just constantly underfoot, trying to bite me all the time and generally being annoying as fuck. She has always had severe behavioral issues but this takes the cake. She wants the dry food so I try to give her a little bit throughout the week but yesterday she just woofed it down, puked it up then begged for more. That night she tried to bite my legs repeatedly. This morning she didn't want the vet-recommended wet food and tried to trip me and bite me the whole time I was trying to do chores.

I hurt my left foot so I'm having trouble moving it and I have to juggle that to avoid her, then I go outside and the black cat walks in front of me and stops and tries to sit on my feet over and over. Oh my God, I love all of them but I honestly don't know how people have kids and shit, they drive me fucking crazy. My ex's dog even drove me crazy, I hate noise in the morning, being tripped in the morning, my phone going off in the morning, people in the morning. It all drives me batshit crazy.

This is my own making since I have 4 cats because I had so many pets with my ex, and as I've mentioned before, I won't have more than 2 animals at a time after these eventually age and pass over the rainbow bridge. Anyway, this is my blurb for the week. I haven't had time to blog photos or do anything I want to do in days, it's all been work, family drama, and tons else.

Maybe one day I'll have a nice morning without noise, bullshit, and two-legged and four-legged creatures getting on my fucking nerves. Lol!

#Selfie #Vent #Life #Struggles #Annoying #PTSD #Emotions #Pinup #Womanhood #Real #Me #Trauma #Peace

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frehleys-baby · 4 years

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Resurrection Fic, Part 2!

The sun was shining, pigeons were outside scavenging for crumbs and the bustle of New York City kept on like it always had. The world had, as expected, not stopped for Gene’s death. But Frances had been changed, even if the Earth’s spin hadn’t.

She woke up in bed, still a wrinkled black pantsuit, shoes neatly placed beside the bed-placed by someone else. Someone who clearly didn’t know she put her shoes in her closet.

The blonde reached over to her nightstand, patting around until she felt the smooth edge of her phone.

Looking at the screen, Frances squinted through the sleep in her eyes until the large white numbers became clear.

1:15 PM.

Her eyebrows shot up- she never slept in that late, not even on weekends. “The only time I sleep in like that,” she mumbled to herself as she sat up, “is when I-“

Frances groaned at the migraine she suddenly felt at its full force, leaning back against the wall, back pressed to the headboard. She hadn’t had this strong of a hangover since before she had met Gene, who was never much of a drinker.

What had made her get so drunk the day before? What made her drink like she was 21 again? What had-

Frances groaned again as the memory waded through the migraine and made it to the front of her mind.

Yesterday had been Gene’s funeral, where she likely had made a goddamn fool of herself.

The service was as lovely as the funeral of a 20-something could be; at least as much as she could remember.

As she swung her legs over the bed and tried to start her day, she tried to remember more.

The scent of sympathetic flowers and the thick perfume of distraught great aunts came back to her as she brushed her teeth- the scents that had masked the alcohol on her breath.

If she tried harder, she could remember Paul and Eric dragging her outside- had she been screaming? Fumbling with her zipper clumsily, Frances eventually removed the romper leaving it haphazardly on the ground.

She might have remembered throwing up in the washroom of the funeral home, she decided as she turned the shower faucet.

Fuzzy memories of her best friend holding her hair back and berating her surfaced as she stepped under the hot water, memories pelting her like the droplets. She possibly recalled Kate calling her every name in the book until her voice choked, until they sat on the floor of the handicapped stall and cried until they couldn’t cry anymore.

She didn’t remember getting home. She didn’t remember who took her home. All she remembered was waking up.

As she left the shower, clean and out of her morning fog, the heavy weight of her hangover still pulled on her shoulders, weighing down her body as she put a fresh bandage around her leg. The wound had been stitched shut, and the deep purples and painful blues that bordered the gash had faded into sickly greens and irritated reds. Neat black stitches were wrapped under bandage, covering the evidence of the crash, the same way her desperate mind covered the full events of yesterday. Perhaps one day they’d show her the full story, the same way maybe she’d find the full story of what happened that night. The police had simply written off the crash as a hit-and-run accident, a tragedy but nothing purposeful. They took her statement, called the medical examiner to take Gene away, and that was that. It was a anxiety-caused hallucination, they said, temporary psychosis from seeing her boyfriend’s face hacked to hell and back.

Frances normally would’ve believed that, had she not felt that gun at the base of her neck, that voice telling her she had to die.

The phantom barrel chilled her spine as she shook her short hair dry, and put on fresh clothes.

She realized too late what clothes she’d grabbed- the size of her shirt drew her eye to what clothes she’d haphazardly grabbed.

The cover of Guns N’ Roses’ Appetite For Destruction was emblazoned across the t-shirt- and her heart broke at the realization. It was Gene’s shirt. Tears rolled down her cheeks as Frances tore the shirt off of her body and threw it at the bathroom tile.

It landed in a heap. So did Frances, collapsing in front of her sink. She swiped at her eyes with the heel of her hand, hiccuping for air after each sob.

Frances sat there for a while, letting her heart fall apart all over again, the pieces falling where they may. By the end of her emotional shattering on that bathroom floor, she was calm again- and the phone in her bedroom was ringing.

She headed out of the bathroom, not daring to think about the offending shirt as she picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Where are you?!”The voice on the other end spat back.

Frances slapped a palm to her forehead, realizing who it was on the other end of the line. Her work partner, Danalia.

Frances said all she could think to say. “Fuck!”

“I’m at the airport and I’m supposed to be taking off on a flight of a lifetime, researching new hieroglyphs and a potential new Egyptian deity- I’m on the cusp of discovery, and my research assistant is nowhere to be found. And all you have to say is “fuck?!” Are you kidding?!”

To say Danalia was outraged was an understatement- Frances knew she was in for it when she saw her next. She worked with the Egyptian woman on a variety of under-researched topics, and while her and Dani usually got along quite well, right now wasn’t one of those times. Frances had totally forgotten about the work trip they were supposed to take for the museum they worked at.

“Look, I don’t wanna get into my personal life with you right now, but I don’t think I can make it right now- can you call Vinnie?”

“You seriously think he can pack for a month-long trip in 8 hours?”

“He’d jump over the moon for you, Dani. Packing for a month is cake. I’ll even feed his dogs if I have to.”

“I-“

“You know what, Danalia? I’m sure you’ll make the next great discovery about Egypt since King Tut’s tomb was found, and you two will be happily ever after, riding camels into the sunset.”

She heard Dani laugh on the other end of the line, and Frances allowed herself to have a small smile at her friend’s boisterous laugh.

“I have to go, Dani. Make sure you give Vinnie a call.”

And before Danalia could respond, Frances hung up the phone. She put on a t-shirt emblazoned with a foreign soda brand, and some worn-out socks- pink with holes in the top, one of her toes poking out to say hello. She walked out into the living room area of her apartment- a small space, as it’s about all she could afford in New York on the salary of a glorified secretary, to a pile of blankets on both her couch and the floor. She recognized one from the mess of blue hair on the pillow, as that was all she could see on the couch, and the other blanket pile was unrecognizable...mostly.

Frances kicked at Paul on the floor, before stepping over him and shaking Kate awake.

“Why are you two here?”

Kate groaned, rolling over in response, while Paul sat up. He rubbed at his kicked shoulder, still in his crumpled dress pants and shirt from the day before, his jacket and tie thrown on a chair in the dining room.

“You were drunk, wailing about Gene, and you live on a fifth floor building- I didn’t wanna take a chance.”

“Excuse me?”

Kate grumbled from the couch before hopping up with a start, in a black sweater and her underwear, not bothering to keep her clothes on out of politeness or self-decency. Kate had known Frances too long to worry about that kind of thing- avoiding showing your ass was something friends did, not best friends.

“He means he didn’t want you to take a swan dive onto a New York sidewalk. The homeless people would probably loot your corpse.”

Paul cut his eyes at the smaller girl as she used her hand to simulate someone falling and hitting the ground, making a whistling noise- complete with an explosion noise at the end.

“Kate.”

“I’m being honest, Paulie, you know I am. You about jumped out of your skin when you heard her get up to take a piss at 3 am.”

Paul sighed, and stretched his arms while Frances furrowed her eyebrows.

“And...you elected not to tell me this?”

“We did!”

“You were just...ya know. Drunk. Like we said. Drunk as a skunk, bawling your eyes out, I don’t think the snot stains will ever get out of Paul’s jacket-“

”I get it.” Frances shot back. She turned to Paul, who gave a visibly strained smile. He looked like he’d been crying- He and Gene had been best friends longer than she had even known Gene, and he’d never even got a chance to say goodbye. She stole a glance at Kate, who’s puffy red eyes gave away more than she’d say. It was like losing a part of your family, even if some of the people in this pseudo-family viewed Gene like the rabid family dog and treated him as such. Frances sighed and crossed her arms, directly avoiding Paul and Kate’s gaze. She looked at her floor, the threadbare carpeting in desperate need of a deep clean.

“Don’t smile if you don’t wanna, Paulie, we’re all hurting.”

“No, I do wanna smile, Gene would’ve made fun of all of us for crying about him, and you know it. He’s probably laughing at us all right now, wherever he’s at.”

“I’m not sure he’s laughing in Hell.” Kate retorted, and the three laughed- laughed despite how unfunny the joke was, laughing just to keep from crying, laughing to try and feel better. When the laughter stopped it was quiet, and someone began to sniffle- Kate and Frances let our disheartened sighs and gasps as Paul began to cry, despite the smile on his face, scrubbing at the tears on his face.

“Dammit, I-

I’m sorry, Fran, I didn’t wanna cry in front of you, because I know you’re havin’ it rough too, and I-“

Frances simply hugged him, and he stopped- the sniffles didn’t, but he didn’t bother trying to explain it away.

Kate sighed, her eyes watering.

“Now I bet he’s really laughing at us.”

A/N: Hey everyone! This second chapter has been a l o n g time coming, lol. Honestly, I haven’t had any inspiration for this fic until recently, and I figured since I can’t do much because of quarantine, I might as well write! I haven’t introduced all the characters yet, but will do so in the next chapter! Thank you all for your patience, and I hope you enjoyed it!

Proofread by: @walkingmajority

Taglist!

@mephxles

@kissmyspaceace

@spacefoxy-jen

@cosmicrealmofkissteria

@ashestoashesvvi

@spacefoxy-irl

#kiss #kiss fanfiction #amateur author #fanfiction #frehley’s baby #resurrection fic

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neocityarchive · 5 years

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[11:10 PM] You and Jisung have been next door neighbors for years. You always found it annoyingly cliche that the cute boy next door’s bedroom window is right across yours. But lately, you couldn’t be more thankful for it. You and Jisung have gotten closer recently. He asked you for help on algebra one time by posting a note on his bedroom window, knowing full well that you study by your window.

Since then, you’ve been talking to each other on the phone almost every night while watching the other from afar. It started off with just algebra. Then he started talking about his favorite music, the stars, himself, you, until it came to the point where this has become your favorite part of the day.

Today was no different. You were sitting by your bedroom window, your phone against your ear, while looking across at Jisung who was busy shuffling and unshuffling his hair. He was beautiful, not your type, but he had that charm in him. The kind that you wouldn’t know has affected you until it’s too late.

“Do you have anything you want to wish for?” you asked, watching as the clock strikes 11:11.

“Just that this night would be a bit longer,” his deep voice echoed through your phone. “And that I could keep this view forever.” He smiled at you from the other side, before scrunching his nose, an annoyingly cute habit that has grown on you.

You let out a laugh. “Why are you so serious all of a sudden?”

Jisung sighed. He looked down so you couldn’t see his face clearly. “I have something to tell you.”

“I’m nervous. Should I be?”

He shrugged. He was far away, but you could see from the change in his aura that whatever he was going to say is no good news. “I’m leaving,” he said. “Tomorrow.”

“You’re kidding,” you said, watching him carefully.

He shook his head. “I wish.”

“But why? I mean, why?” You searched for words, but failed. “Why?”

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I didn’t want to tell anyone, but I feel like I owe you this much,” he said with a sad smile. “You’ve made my nights worth staying up late for.”

You bit your lip. “But why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

You know you had no right to feel mad at him, but it’s not like you can control your feelings. You took a deep breath and tried to get ahold yourself.

“I didn’t make up my mind until yesterday,” he explained. “My family’s going to stay here, but I’m moving to Seoul and focus on my training. I’m sorry. I know it’s a bit of a surprise.”

“It’s a lot of a surprise.” You shifted on your seat so that your face was not visible from Jisung’s view. For some reason, your eyes started welling up with tears.

“You sound upset,” he mumbled.

“I’m not. I’m happy for you.” You let out a shaky breath. “It’s just that… I’ve gotten so used to you… I think,” you said, your voice so close to breaking.

Jisung laughed lightly. “Me too,” he replied. “I’m gonna miss these talks of ours.”

“I’m gonna miss you,” you said before you could stop yourself. You thought about all those bad days that didn’t seem so bad because you got to talk to Jisung on those nights. He’s always done a great job for cheering you up, and now that’s gonna be gone.

“I know you are,” he said cheekily. “But don’t be so sad. You can always call me. It’s not like I’m breaking up with you.”

You felt your cheeks heat up at the mention of a break up.

“I-I mean… we’re not dating… that’s not, um, I, uh–“ Jisung stuttered, completely flustered.

You laughed and decided to change the topic to save him from his mess. “I’m not sad. I was just getting tired of your petty narcissism anyway,” you said jokingly.

“Whatever you say, Y/N,” he said. “I’m gonna’ miss you too.”

“I’d give you a hug, but you’re a window away,” you said.

“You owe me a hug now,” Jisung said shyly, the corners of his lips turning up a bit. “Anyway, I have to sleep. I’ll have to get up in four hours.”

You shrugged. “Goodnight then.”

“Goodnight Y/N,” he said before hanging up. He waved and flashed you a finger heart before closing his blinds and turning off the lights.

I guess that’s goodbye, you thought to yourself, knowing that people who go to Seoul are never always there, no matter how much they promise.

You went to sleep with a heavy heart. When you woke up, you knew Jisung had already left. His window looks like it does on most mornings, except for two things: 1. he wasn’t there, and 2. there were three post-its posted on it with the following messages:

“I will never say goodbye to you…”

“Just see you soon :)”

“우리 다시 만나자 ,Y/N (Let’s meet again).”

#lol its a bit long #nct au #park jisung #nct jisung #nct dream au #nct dream imagines #nct imagines #nct scenarios #nct prompt #jisung au #Boy next door #fluff?#angst?#nct jisung au #jisung #timestamps #nct dream

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watchmegetobsessed · 5 years

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Neighbor - Shawn Mendes - Part 3

okaaaay so part 3 here we go! this is the last part, i hope you liked how it turned out to be, i personally enjoyed writing this short story!

part 1 - part 2

masterlist

An hour and half a bottle of vodka later I don’t even remember the name of the guy from my disastrous date. I’m lying on Shawn’s couch with the rest of my drink on my hand as I’m watching him struggling to fix his own TV, because he sat on the remote and the movie disappeared from the screen and he hasn’t been able to restore it. I’m also having a hard time not to laugh at him loudly, but the wide grin on my face already gives it away how funny I find the situation.

“Oh fuck this shit, we are not watching the end,” he growls annoyed as he throws the remote away and I can’t hold my laughter back anymore.

“No, how will I know for sure they end up together?” I pout at him as he runs his fingers through his messy curly. His biceps flex in the motion and my dizzy eyes can’t help but take a good look at him. He is wearing a black tank top that is just unfair, because his muscular body looks heavenly it and then his gym shorts are also giving a glimpse of his thighs.

“We all know he is gonna apologize for being a dick and they end up together, but you can come over tomorrow and we can finish it when I’ll be able to see the buttons on the remote,” he laughs at himself plopping down to the couch next to me. He lifts my legs up and scoots closer taking them onto his lap and leaving his warm hands on my bare knees.

I chug down my drink and put the glass down to the ground next to my head as I turn to him. His eyes look blurry, or maybe my eyes are the blurry ones, I don’t know.

“Another one?” he asks nodding toward my empty glass, but I shake my head no furrowing my eyebrows.

“If you don’t want me to puke all over your toilet, no more,” I grunt knowing I definitely don’t need another drink at this point.

“Okay,” he chuckles.

I close my eyes for a bit as only existing feels tiring at this point. My head is weighting down heavily into the couch and Shawn’s touch on my leg is sending warmth through my whole body. All I can think about is how those hands would feel all over my body, not just my knees, how his lips would feel on my lips and his abs under my fingers…

“I think I should head home,” I blurt out when I realize my thoughts have went too far. I don’t trust my drunk self not to say anything stupid, so going home seems like the best thing to do.

“What? Stay! Why don’t we order pizza? I’m so hungry,” he sighs, but I just shake my head wanting to escape before I run my mouth.

“Nah, I should get some sleep. We’ll have pizza some other time.”

I manage to stand up, but my head starts swirling and I need to stop for a moment. Shawn gets up and takes my hand worried.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, just… the vodka doesn’t like standing up, I guess,” I chuckle finding my joke more hilarious than it really was. Shawn’s hand doesn’t let go, instead he moves closer and examines me with a cheeky smile.

“Don’t blame it on the vodka, maybe it’s just you who is too clumsy,” he jokes and I gasp at him pretending to be hurt.

“Shut up, Mendes,” I roll my eyes at him, but my body is way less sassy than my tone. My hands somehow slide up to his chest in what started as a playful push, but they end up staying there. His body is so hard under my touch, I let out a satisfied sigh that makes him smile.

“Make me,” he suddenly says blinking down at me from under his curls.

My brain doesn’t process it as fast as it should. His eyes are staring right at me and as I look back at him I’m pretty sure he has drunk more than he should have, just like me. A small voice in my head is telling me to just leave and come back when neither of us is drunk, but when his arms curl around my body the voice just disappears. I don’t even realize that we are inching closer and closer until I speak up and out lips almost touch.

“Happily,” I breathe out and it’s not me who leans in, but it would have been just a matter of time.

He crashes his lips to mine and I hungrily return the kiss immediately opening my mouth and giving him anything he would want. His lips feel just as amazing as I imagine, my body is heating up pretty quickly as it turns into the most passionate kiss I’ve ever had. My fingers slide into his silky hair and I moan into his mouth when I feel one of his hands on my butt.

We slowly start moving, but I have no idea where, my brain can’t process this much in its drunk state, I just obey to him moving my legs and trying not to trip. In just a couple of minutes, without ever breaking off, I land probably on his bed, his body weights on me in a pretty enjoyable way as his hands slide under my shirt.

When I open my eyes and they meet his it seems like time has stopped for a bit. My eyes wander through his face, memorizing every little bit before I see a small smile on his perfect lips. It’s not cocky, not even close to the smile I get whenever he makes a joke on me. It’s an honest and happy smile, but before I could think about what could be behind it his lips meet mine and my mind goes blank.

When I wake up it’s still dark in the room. The bedsheets feel soft against my skin and for a moment my mind blocks out the fact that I’m not in my room, I just nuzzle my face into the pillow, but then it all crashes down on me at once. My eyes pop open and turning around I’m met with a sleeping and very naked Shawn.

Memories flood back into my mind as I remember everything that happened yesterday, since I wasn’t that drunk to forget it. My disastrous date, me coming here, then the vodka, the movie, the kiss… and then me spending the night after having sex with him.

Suddenly I can’t tell where I’m standing with the situation. Did I enjoy my night with him? Absolutely! He is just as amazing in bed as I imagined, but I don’t think he meant it to be anything more than just a one night stand, especially after that much vodka.

I start panicking and there is just one thing that I know for sure, I have to leave before he wakes up. As quiet as possible I manage to get out of the bed, then grab my clothes from the floor, I put my shirt and pants on, that’s just enough to make it to my door. I hold all my other stuff to my chest as I take one last glimpse at his sleeping figure. He looks peaceful and also too gorgeous which just makes it even harder for me. If I had the slightest chance with him before it’s mostly likely to be gone by now, after I basically let myself fall into his arms in my sad and drunk state of mind. He must think I’m just some easy chick hungry for any affection.

I successfully leave his place without waking him up and decide to show it all to the back of my mind until I have a solid solution for the situation and just go on with my life. Luckily I made plans with my cousin who is in town so I go out to have lunch with her and we agree on spending the afternoon together shopping. I manage to stop thinking about anything related to Shawn, up until the moment we are leaving the restaurant and my phone buzzes in my pocket. My cousin runs back to quickly use the bathroom, and fishing my phone out my heart skips a beat when I see Shawn’s name on the screen. I hesitate whether if I should open his message or not. It’s two pm now, I doubt he just woke up meaning he didn’t reach out to me for hours.

I decide to open the message.

From: Shawn Hey, wanna hang tonight?

It’s simpler than what I was expecting and to be honest the more times I read it the more it hurts. Because as I stare down at his words I feel like it’s an invitation to go over and just casually have sex with him again and the fact that he now sees me as a side chick he can ring up anytime he feels like it just makes the whole situation worse.

I bite into my bottom lip as my fingers linger on the keyboard, then decide not to take it too petty.

To: Shawn Can’t, my cousin is in town, spending time with her.

I don’t wait to see if he responds or even reads my message, I just show the phone into my bag so I don’t notice when I get a new message, just in time to see my cousin walk out of the restaurant, ready to continue our day.

I can’t shut my anxiety out entirely throughout the day and when we part our ways with my cousin at the end of the day I start worrying about running into him on my way home. I’m on full alert mode as I approach my building and I basically tiptoe on the floor. I don’t know if he is at home, so when I finally make it to my place I shut the door behind me and listen if I hear anything.

A few moments later I hear the familiar knocks on the wall that signals his will to have me over. Before yesterday I would have been already over, talking about something nonsense and having a beer with him, but now is the first time when I ignore it.

I feel horrible, because I want to go over so much, but I know things are different now and will never be the same, just because I got drunk and made a fool our of myself.

The next few days are horrible. I have to creep around to make sure I don’t run into Shawn, he texts me a few more times and I make excuses not to see him and I keep ignoring his knocking on the wall. His last text is what makes it the worse.

From: Shawn I’m sorry.

I don’t know why he is sorry. Sorry for the night? For ever sleeping with me? For his texts after that? I have no idea, but it’s making me sick to the stomach.

A week after out night together the inevitable happens. I’m coming home from school when he steps out of his place, his eyes are glued to his phone and I freeze when I see him. His eyes move to me and his whole presence changes immediately. He slides his phone into his pocket as he takes a few steps towards me.

“Hey,” he smiles at me shyly and I finally gain control back over my body, so I manage to force a smile to my face.

“Hi.”

“How are you? Haven’t seen you in ages,” he asks with a nervous chuckle.

“Yeah, sorry. I’ve been busy with school and stuff.” I clear my throat feeling horrible for the lie again. As I look at him I see something weird in his eyes, but I just can’t put my finger on it.

“I hope everything is fine though,” he adds.

“Yeah, it’s all good,” I fake smile putting my arms around myself.

“Well, I hope we can hang out sometime, I miss our talks and laughs.”

My heart aches just before I reply to him, but I just ignore the feeling.

“I don’t know when I’ll have freetime but… I’ll let you know.”

Something changes in his eyes and it scares me for a moment. They don’t shine anymore and his smile fades too. Suddenly I feel the urge to take everything back that I said, but it’s too late.

He nods and then makes his way past me.

“Sure. See you around,” he mumbles on his way to the elevator and I rush inside to just get out of the whole awkwardness.

The door closes behind me and I stand there for long minutes. My hands are shaking, I want to scream and I also want to go back in time, but I-

My thoughts get interrupted by a knocking and I basically jump. I turn to the door and opening it I see Shawn standing there, he looks more nervous than ever and he opens his mouth a couple of times before actually speaking up.

“I miss you,” he finally says surprising me. “I-I miss having you around, cooking with you, watching movies with you or just talking about our days.”

“What?” is all I can get out of myself as I process his words.

“Y/N, that Friday… I’m sorry, but only because it’s not how I planned this. You deserve so much more and I wanted to give it to you, but we got drunk and I lost control.”

“What do you mean? What did you plan?” I ask in confusion.

“I…” He sighs running his fingers through his hair nervously as he takes a step towards me. “Y/N, I like you. And not just as a friend. I like you and I’m sorry for being a jerk and doing this the wrong way, but let me make it up.”

My heart is racing so fast I’m afraid I might have a heart attack. His words echo in my mind as he is standing there in my doorway, staring at me nervously, probably waiting for me to say something.

“Oh my God,” I breathe out with wide eyes. “Is this for real?” I ask just to be sure.

“A hundred percent real. And if you let me, I’ll take you out on a proper date and do it the right way, not that I didn’t like spending the night with you, but I would rather earn it and also… have you there in the morning.”

A cheeky smile appears on his lips and now he looks so much more like himself. I decide not to say anything but basically launch myself at him and crash my lips on his throwing my arms around his neck.

He is taken aback by my sudden actions, but a moment later his arms wrap around my body and he returns my kiss more than willingly. We take a few steps to get inside and he pushes the door closed with his leg as I get lost in his perfect lips.

“Does this mean you say yes to that date?” he asks when we finally part, but we don’t let go of each other.

“Of course, idiot. God, I really thought you think I’m just some easy slut after that night,” I admit blushing.

“What?! Not at all! I felt so bad, I felt like I pressured you into it and I was afraid you totally regretted it. I mean, you kept avoiding me and all, I felt horrible.”

“I was just ashamed,” I sigh.

“Don’t be, but let’s just forget about it and do it the right way. What are you doing tonight?” he asks smiling down at me.

“I think I’m having a date with you, right?” I ask giggling.

“Correct. I’ll pick you up at seven, okay?”

“Perfect.”

“Now I have to go, but…” He lets go of me and heads to the door. “I can’t wait for tonight.” He winks at me before turning around and leaving. The widest smile spreads across my face when I think he is gone, but then he suddenly runs back to me and captures my lips in another mind-blowing kiss.

“Sorry. I had to.” He grins down at me cheekily. “See you tonight,” he adds before walking out, this time for real.

#shawn #mendes #shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fanfics #shawn mendes fanfictions #shawn mendes imagines #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes x reader #mendes army

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markword · 4 years

Text

Summary: You have had a crush on Jungkook since forever ago, but he’s changed and so have you. But when you get closer to him-in a different way than expected-feelings start to come out of the dark.

What’s in this bitch: swearing, SMUT, and a lil but of spice✨✨

Side note: this is my first fanfic, so plz be nice and enjoy!! She’s a long one so get comfy and get somethin to eat and get your playlist ready ✌🏼and there will be typing errors so ignore dem por favor

WITHOUT FURTHER ADUE::::

The echoes of your footsteps drilled into your head at an annoying volume. It didn't help that your heart was incessantly pounding either. You sweep by the empty classrooms, books laying on the floor, sprawled out in a hurry. The paper in your hand was nearly as wrinkled as your shirt, picked straight out of your hamper due to the lack of time and lack of any better ideas. The bell rings and kids start to spill out of every classroom, almost taking you off your track. the bell left an annoying buzz in your ears that kept you charging forward. No one has ever given you a note, not in the four years of highschool. The note was battered and slightly torn from your fidgety hands toying with the edges all day. You'd only read it once, out of fear that if you read it again, it wouldn't say the same thing;

Go to the main entrance after last period.

I'll be waiting.

j.k.

your heart couldn't help but flutter when you first opened the tightly folded note. you couldn't help but think of who sent it to you. He was always on your radar, but not in the romantic sense. You knew it was Jeon Jungkook because of the way the words were scribbled on the paper and obviously, how he closed the short note with his long lived nickname, ¨jk. He was always quiet and reserved in middle school, which would be his defining trait until sophomore year rolled around. rumors upon rumors built up about him, almost taking you off your feet when you first heard them. Jungkook, the quiet and sweet kid you basically grew up with through school, caught with a girl in a school bathroom? for some reason, the rumors were never proven but something about how he swayed when he walked and looked at girls for a split millisecond had them planning baby names. He had silently nudged you toward the conclusion that they were undoubtedly true. The hardest part about seeing his personality take a 180 was the fact that your secret but not so secret crush on him in middle school had quite nearly been strangled to death by the man that stood waiting for you, at the main entrance.

As your pace slowed, your ears and lungs caught up. you knew you were near the main entrance, but you couldn't see over the rushing flow of students going to and fro. you catch a glimpse of the top of his head, and miraculously, he notices you too.

You'd be lying if you said you didn't still have a little thing for him.

you couldn't help it. Maybe it was more of an instinctual hormonal pull, but he was easy on the eyes and in a rugged way, almost dreamy.

His longer dark brown hair, pulled into a small bun, perched on top of his head. his loose black v neck hanging dangerously against his strict collarbones. his baggy grey joggers molded to all the right places but still looking stylishly comfy.

you stride closer to him, and see that he was making small talk with a fragile blonde girl. He erupts into laughter, showcasing his devilish smile. which was always accompanied by his cute dimples. one of the reasons you became so hopelessly in love with him in middle school was that sweet and sour smile of his. You couldn't help but look for it every once and a while in class. You slowly approach him, giving him enough time to wrap up his previous conversation.

"Oh, hey Y/N. Sorry to leave a mysterious note like that" he smiled with his eyes, making the apology that much harder to not accept (although it was a pain in the ass)

"It's really okay. Why'd you want to meet here though? I haven't talked to you for a while"

"That's not true I talk to you everyday in class" he smiled, but it was obvious he was poking fun at you and your nervousness about being there with him. He had to admit, it was a little suspicious.

"Well, what is it then?" you were starting to get impatient, letting your temper mixed with your short attention span to get ahold of you. which of course, didn't go unnoticed by Jungkook.

"Iwas absent yesterday for that chem quiz. can you tell me what's on it? I know you’re smart and you understood the material really well."

You were definitely infuriated, knowing this could've been sent by text or even asked in the fleeting moments after class. you see him at least 5 seperate times a day, why a stupid fucking note to some clandestine meeting?

"Jeon, couldn't you have just texted me? But yeah, Iremember a few questions it wasn't that hard." You were dying for an explanation, but the way his face went blank and uninviting, was enough to gather the realization that you weren't getting one.

"Im taking the makeup test in 10 minutes. Do you think I could cram the answers in time?"

Of course he could. He was insanely and almost annoyingly smart. but just like his soft nature, that disappeared over summer break before sophomore year.

He sent you off with a quick thanks and then casually turned his heels to walk to the chem classroom. Once he left, you started to realize the strangeness of it all. He could've asked anyone in Chem 2, but he asked YOU? With a note to meet nonetheless. thinking about it gave you a headache, so once you turned on your car to go home, you started to think about what songs to play and what dinner will be instead. The car ride home was uneventfully blissful, the usual weird seat dancing and emotional signing to your favorite car songs.

You walk in the door with an exaggerated "humphf" when setting down your backpack to go look in the fridge to look for a snack you knew wasn't there. Your phone vibrates on your kitchen table and slightly annoyed you at how it proceeded to rumble loudly against the flat surface. You pick it up only to see that Jungkook had sent you a post on instagram with another message that read;

jungkook:Thanks for helping today, here's this to show my thanks

it was a distorted meme that you'd seen hundreds of times before, but its humor ran out after the second time it beamed on your screen. It surprised you that he sent a meme, but it surprised you even more to get another taste of the old Jungkook you knew. The one who would thank you for helping him out, and seem genuinely thankful. Sometimes you’d catch yourself stealing fleeting glimpses of him in class. you'd often try to pick up on his new tendencies and see some of his old, but comforting ones. He would also space out in middle school, leaving his notebooks riddled with doodles and scribbles to keep himself awake. Just two days ago, he was in a lab with you and you couldn't help but glance at his notebook for a split second; graffitied with little faces and tiny but strategic and pleasing scribbles. You're still looking blankly at the screen, sure that he noticed the "seen" under his texts a while ago.

you: Of course j.k. Ibet you aced it anyways

All of this weird and sudden contact had your head in a whirl. Too many questions and literally no answers. you thought it best to leave it alone for now. But he didn't.

_______________________________________________

You don't remember when you dozed off exactly, but you knew it was a good night's sleep when you woke up with a dry mouth and a full bladder. You groan and reach for one of the countless half filled water bottles on your nightstand. Huh? a sock?

"Whatever, Ihave to pee" you mutter to yourself. for a moment you didn't realize your deep and groggy voice.

"Wait, what" There it is again! you've never sounded this dead in the morning, even when you were hungover after your wildest night out. You finally flicker your eyes open only to be met by an unfamiliar ceiling fan and light grey walls. You rush to sit up. Something wasn't right. you look down and almost scream.

"Where are my boobs?!" your hands shoot reflexively to your chest, where they always are and are met with a dull smack as your hands hit complete flatness. You scurry out of the unfamiliar, but disgustingly messy bed and dart your eyes to find a mirror. It was weirdly easy to get up and dash to the mirror in the small bathroom to your right considering it wasn't your body you were in.

You stood panting in front of the mirror to see Jungkooks face staring back.

"What in the FUC-"

_______________________________________________

Jungkook sorta remembers when he went to bed. By sorta he means he knew it was between 8 PM and 1 AM. He's not good at remembering things, besides, he's already up now. He cracks his neck and instinctively reaches his hand down his boxer shorts.

"Where is my-" he suddenly feels his arm push against something warm on his chest while he extended his arm to find what was there just last night. He grabs the foriegn object on his chest, anxious to grab something since his usual apparently isn't there right now. Is this a boob? It was a boob. he reached up to mimic his other hand. and there's TWO? of course there he knew that. He'd seen plenty of them, but feeling them on himself? Hell no. THAT'S never happened before. He sat up, hands still clenched around the annoyingly loose bra that covered-well-HIS tits. His face went tense as he looked for a mirror. He slowly approached the mirror hanging on the door, hoping to not be met with one of his drunken hookups that could've been a witch for all he knows. He slowly opened his eyes.

"Y/N?! Damn. well, she has nice tits, I have to give her that."

——————————————————————————

You both immediately shot a text to each other, hoping it wasn't a dream, because if it was, you'd both look like idiots. But after telling eachother what happened when they woke up, (Jungkook left out the whole boob ordeal) and you decided to skip school today and sneak out of the house to meet and try to figure out what happened last night.

After throwing on something Jungkook might wear, you couldn't help but notice his figure staring back at you. He really was handsome. You flashed a beefy smile at the mirror and stayed smiling after seeing his signature but memorable smile. You finally talked his mom into letting you stay home just 30 minutes ago, with jungkook in an earbud listening and telling you the best way to make his mom cave. You were slightly annoyed when he said that all he had to do was say he felt sick and your mom was already convinced. It was still uncomfortable hearing your voice through the phone. you sounded really stupid on the phone. you decided to meet at a park close to both your house and his to figure it all out and how to undo it. You had a hard time figuring out how to drive his car but ended up to the park in one piece. well, Jungkook arrived in one piece. there was still no sign of your body yet. Your car comes screeching to a halt next to you before you see your body get out of the car in rage and slam the car door shut.

"Be careful with her she's old" you whine, referring to your beaten up and chipped car.

"Shut up and follow me. We gotta be alone." He grabs your arm and pulls you farther into the park and only loosened his grip when there were less than 5 people around.

"What the fuck happened, Y/N? This is freaking me out. How does this shit even happen? And why me and yo-"

"No, you shut up you're making me dizzy. I don't know my answer for all of those questions. oh god, what do we do at school? AT HOME? WHEN I HAVE TO PEE?" You almost choke on your breath thinking about going to the bathroom with a whole different set of tools.

"I don't know Y/N... I mean I could help you practice..." He reaches down toward your crotch-no- HIS crotch and you flick him away with wide eyes and a blazing stare back at him.

"This isn't a joke, Jungkook. What do we do?" you swallow heavily and look back at your body through his eyes.

"Ew. If I'd known that's what I look like I would just wear baggy sweats everyday..." you whisper it to yourself but since you were both so quiet and focused in thought, he heard it.

"Oh shut up you have a great body, Y/N."

"Did you LOOK? I didn't look, I thought it would be rude. wait-DID YOU LOOK YES OR NO?" you did look. He just doesn't need to know and wouldn't help your case any.

"Of course I did. nice tits by the way." he winked and cracked his neck again. you were too much in a daze thinking about how someone else had seen you naked. JUNGKOOK has seen you naked. Did he just say; nice tits? That doesn't matter, we need to figure this out before you cut off his dick for looking at you.

"We need to figure this out right now." you weren't kidding. if he touched your boobs that would be enough to commit manslaughter. it didn't matter if it was actually you that you were killing.

"We can go to my place now. Let's get something to eat. My mom wont think twice about me having a girl over anyways. She won't bat an eye and she'll leave us alone. Just tell her that we are both sick and want to study to catch up since its convenient. Its our best option." He cracked you a smirk, sending shivers down your spine. it was him alright, just in your body. You get up and start walking towards your beat up car out of habit to leave until he grabs your arm, almost jerking you so hard you would've fallen on your ass.

"Damn Y/N, your body is pretty strong. Stronger than you were in middle school. But lets take my car. I'll drive."

You couldn't help but blush at him mentioning middle school. I guess he really did pay attention to you back then. Your thoughts immediately hone in on memories of gym class when you'd be the best playing any activity and you embarrassed the boys in front of their respective crushes. you couldn't help but let out a little giggle, sounding even better when it came out as Jungkook's grisly and low voice. You settle in the car, and fidget with the seatbelts and keep your head glued on the dashboard to avoid any eye contact just in case you were still blushing. jungkook lets out an audible sigh before turning the keys in the ignition and putting the car in reverse. You couldn't help but look at him, sitting in your body, as he put an arm out behind your headrest to backout. He flickers his eyes between you and behind the car.

"Its so weird seeing my body like this, like from another perspective," you could resonate with what he said, especially since he's manhandling a car with legs wide open, but he looks like you at the same time. "I wonder what I look like during sex..." he mutters the last part under his breath and chuckles, part of him hoping that you would hear.

"Just ask one of your many lady friends, Jungkook. I'm sure they'd love to tell you all about it." You scoff. How could he change so much from the boy you were infatuated with? He was the same in small ways, but barely. It made you sad and frustrated when you realized that you secretly hoped he'd be the same around you after all these years.

"I could. But right now, I'm not exactly myself." You both reach to turn on the radio to drown out the awkward tension that seemed to have seeped in the car. You back off since it technically is his car anyways. He puts on one of his playlists and the first song starts to play. Its not rap and you're almost surprised. But you've known since middle school that he likes more indie and classic rock than anything else. You put your window down and look out with an elbow grasing the bottom of the window, and your hand finding its way to your hair. Well, Jungkook’s hair. Soft. You turn to look at the song name and realize jungkook is glaring at you. You never knew your face could look so scary.

"Don't feel pressured to act any different. Just be you and act normal, even if you want to touch my hair." He snickered and shot his eyes back on the road, making a smooth right turn at the light you'd been stopped at.

"Its a habit. Besides, you've seen me naked Jungkook, who cares if Iaccidentally touch your hair?" you had started to become more and more angry at his annoyingly hot voice. Just by hearing it in classes, you felt a tinge of wetness down under. But you're sure its just because of his voice, right?

"Am I wet right now? Is this what it feels like?" He chuckled so hard and loud you almost see your soul shoot out of the car and get run over. What the fuck do you even say to that? You had an idea as to why it happened but what do you say to jungkook?

He's still laughing a little when he shoots up straight in his seat.

"I know what it is Y/N, you think I'm SEXY."

you gulp. you decide that staying quiet is your best option, the one that will make you look less flustered and more cool about him calling you out.

"You know, Ihad a huge crush on you in middle school. It was almost embarrassing. I think I wrote you a love letter one time but I never gave it to you. You were such a player back then." He chuckles again, but softer this time. He confessed something embarrassing to get the conversation away from the obvious pool of wetness between his legs. YOUR legs.

"I did too." you mumble still looking out the window, trying to hide your excitement at his confession. you were happy but, that was a long time ago anyways. It didn't really matter now.

"Would you look at that, maybe we found out why we switched bodies." His facial expression was flat, almost bored looking. you both sat in silence until he pulled the car into the unfamiliar driveway you left this morning. You get out of the car and he reaches for the door and tells you to make yourself at home, as a joke, of course. To anyone else looking at you two, you were Jungkook, and this in fact, was your house.

"Maybe if we confess our past feelings, we will switch back. That’s the only thing I can think of anyways. You cool with that?" He was pouring himself a glass of apple juice and he set it down on the counter to get another glass for you.

"Yeah why not." you sipped slowly on the cold drink as he led you up the stairs to his room. You settle down on his bed facing each other, almost looking like two young girls at a sleepover talking about their celebrity crushes. you were both sitting with your legs folded and leaning in toward each other, a weirdly comfortable position for the both of you.

"You first." he grumbles with a cheesy smirk.

"Okay," you take a deep breath to collect your thoughts, "I liked you from 5th to 8th grade."

"That's it? I think we need a little more since we are still staring at our own bodies across from us." he was rocking side to side trying to conjure up any thoughts on how to fix your strange situation.

"Maybe we should kiss." He leans forward, which you dodge at the speed of light.

"What are you doing Jungkook?!" Your eyes wide open and stomach fluttering.

"Maybe this is how the spell thingy breaks, it makes sense."

He's right, If the reason you were stuck looking at yourself from this perspective was that you needed to confess and makeout, then so be it. You'd try anything at this point. You missed your own bed. He charges in closer to you slower this time and grabs your face. the way he was using your lips made it impossible to notice how quickly you'd shut your eyes. You opened them to see Jungkook staring at you with wide puppy dog eyes.

"Hell yes I'm back bitche-" He quickly silenced you with another kiss. I worked? You were sure you’d live out your days in another body. But you weren’t mad that his first idea worked out. But you weren’t about to keep your mind on the subject, Jungkook was millimeters away from you with his taunting lips. This kiss was more passionate and more eager. Your legs went limp, and your face set ablaze at Jungkook's fluid and sexy motions against you. He pokes his tongue at your lips, asking if he could enter. You quickly let him roam around your mouth, leaving you breathless and seeing stars. He slides his hands down from your face and traces the outer line of your figure, leaving goosebumps in their wake. you could feel the pool between your legs as your thighs began to quiver under his careful and strategic touch. He shifts you down, so that you're on your back and he is using an arm to support himself above you. you let out a needy whimper and you finally move your arms down his chest to trace his undoubtedly hot body. he flinched when you stopped at his waistband, and you were left just toying with the elastic until he forcefully pulled your shirt off your body, only leaving mere seconds between the deepening kiss. Neither of you were ready to stop. You could feel your body start to heat up against his and he slowly moved his waist into yours at a steady rhythm. you could feel his apparent erection glide across your thighs with every motion. You could feel the heat escape your core when you opened your legs farther, hoping he'd get the hint to touch you where you wanted him the most. You wanted his hands everywhere, but your arousal was too hot and strong to ignore for much longer. He slowly navigated his kiss downward, taking extra care of your neck, sure to leave a couple marks in his wake. once he reached your chest, with your bra still clinging on with the sheen of sweat you both worked up. As he moves his hands to hold you still, they rest on your hips with a tender but strong grip, willing you not to squirm under his touch. He started to kiss along the edge of your bra, frequently nibbling at the tender skin that lay beneath. He was taking his time of course, he'd been wondering what touching you and making you all worked up like this felt. He'd often steal glances at you in class, never letting go of his childish middle school crush. He'd accepted that he'd always feel something toward you, what that was he was unsure. But having you under him, and your back arching your chest towards him made him hungry. He knew he would never get you out of his head after this.

You take your arms behind your back and unclasp your bra hoping he would fasten up and make your horniness subside. He immediately grabs onto one and closes in on the other with tender kisses, licking around your nipple just to hear your sighs that turned into moans between his needy lips.

"Please Jung-" you whine trying to push yourself into him closer. you wanted to be swallowed into this moment. The tension was released, and god did it feel good. He cut you off with a strong and lasting rub against your core, just making you want to whine for more. He was rock hard, so the only thing he accomplished was making you shut up and making you kiss harder and your grip on his hips tighter. He finally slid his hands slowly up the inside of your thigh and his slender but strong fingers snaked their way under the thin cloth that was sticking to your folds. He took a deep and exaggerated swipe across your center, making you shiver with pleasure.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of that," he said, flashing a smile smile in between kisses on your neck.

"Just put it in already I'm dying here..."

With your words, he swiped off his shirt and pulled his pants down, showcasing the famous bounce as his erection springs out of his loose pants. his fingers wrapped around the fabric of your shorts, playing and twisting at them with want. He pulled them down slowly, propping your leg on the bed before throwing the soaking shorts somewhere on the floor. He pushed your thigh open with his now faster motions of his thigh, trying to get more friction against you. You whimper and reach for his erection. before you could fully palm it, he suddenly stopped and stared down at you, trying to catch his breath that had been sucked up by your deep kiss. He slid his thumb across your lower lip.

"Not yet Y/N. Let me do this first. I promise I’ll get to that in a minute." you watch him utter his words in a growl as he slowly drags his soft lips downwards between your breasts and then your stomach before his messy black hair is level with your core.

"I'll be gentle. Tell me if you want to stop at any time, Y/N."

You weren't expecting him to be gentle, or even offer an out for you. All the rumors of him being a brute and rough when it comes to sex and intimacy. You could see the old parts of Jungkook shining through. before you could think about it anything else he pressed his lips against you, lips pursed around your clit. a shake engulfed you, sending shivers up your spine and out of your mouth as a long moan. his tongue grazed over every inch of your center at least 3 times before he started to slow down and suck on your clit, leaving you able to feel every vibration of his ruffled moans against you. before you could recognize that you were almost at the peak of gushing-

"Are you still okay, baby?"

"Y-Yes. Oh GOD!" he had pushed two fingers into you, making you buck your hips into him. He grabbed your thigh with his other hand, silently telling you to stop letting your reactions distract him from the task at hand. Literally. He curls his fingers upward and moves slowly, applying just enough pressure to make your eyes roll back into your head, but gentle enough to keep you just below the line that would make it hurt. He was taking care of you, just like he said. You couldn't help but let your mind wander to his various conquests as he quite literally lapped at you like a starved man. Did he treat them like this? Was he this sweet but seductive with everyone? Are you the first to be thinking about this? His nibble at your folds broke you out of your daze. It doesn't matter now anyways, he was with you and he was good at making you feel good. Just keep going, you thought. It only took another nibble and his tongue in your heat to make you start to see a light.

"Jung- I'm-" you squealed. He just kept going, knowing that what he was doing was the ticket to your long anticipated orgasm. You quickly find yourself grabbing at his head of hair, just to help yourself ride out your climax. You feel the wet drip out of you, and Jungkook's tongue licking it up with lustful motions. Once he cleaned you up to his liking he lifted his head to look at you. Your eyes closed, chest heaving, and sweat making your face gleam. You really were beautiful, he thought to himself. But he wasn't done with you yet. He leaned over you and moved the baby hairs stuck on your face to the side. His doe eyes were searing into you, making you shift under him. You brought your hands up to rest on his chest. He really was beautiful, you thought to yourself. But you weren't done with him yet.

"Let me get a condom. Or are you on the pill? Its up to you, whatever you're comfortable with, baby." His term of endearment took you by surprise, but it didn't feel weird coming from his mouth, almost natural to him. You liked it, it even made your stomach hollow with excitement, but you'd never tell him that.

"I'm on the pill. I don't mind at all jungkook." His grin leaked into a smile, that adorable, sexy smile of his. it practically taunted you, knowing that his now stretched out lips were pressed up against you just mere minutes ago. You watched as he finally pulled down his boxers, allowing his painfully hard erection bounce out. The head, red and angry with understimulation, with beads of precum trickling down his length. He was big, just like the rumors had said, but you weren't expecting that he'd have the perfect length and girth. You knew after you felt him, it would be hard to go back. Especially since just his lips and tongue made you feel something you'd never felt before, something you'd think about at night while you played with yourself.

"Are you ready? I'll be careful with you if you're worried that it might hurt." He sat next to you on the bed, looking for any sign of regret in your eyes. Instead, he found your hungry eyes looking him up and down, completely naked in front of you.

"Don't hold back Jungkook, if we are going to do this I want to feel everything." You could barely focus on anything other than him. His abs, and the way they flexed when he let out a guttural laugh. His Adam's apple, that bobbed up and down when he would talk to you. His long, messy black hair, and how it framed his face. His rosy lips and how they pouted when he wasn't talking. Everything about the man sitting next to you was perfect. His features were just the same as they were back in middle school, but they became more mature and more sexy than cute.

"I'm excited to feel you around me Y/N. I've been thinking about what it would be like, and now you're here, and you're all mine." he uttered before leaning in for a soft kiss, making it easier to hide your face that was obviously blushing at his words.

"If you don't want me to hold back, Iwont" he whispers into your ear, making you wet all over again. His hand found your thigh amid deep kisses, and pushed it farther so he could fit himself between your thighs, allowing his erection to slowly graze over your dripping center with every motion. After Jungkook gathered enough of your arousal on himself, he decided it was enough to allow him to easily slip into you and lose himself in you. You grabbed his hip, angling him parallel to your body, begging him to ease himself into you.

"Please Jungkook..." you whine again.

before you could finish your sentence you felt his tip graze your entrance, teasing you with the heat. He was STILL teasing you? You grip your arms around his torso and force him closer, automatically pushing his length into you, but still not bottomed out yet. He was big and you wondered if you could realistically fit all of him in you. As soon as you pull him closer, Jungkook loudly grunts and shoots his head back at how well you fit around him.

"You feel so good Y/N." He breathes, starting to pump in and out of your heat. He didn't hesitate to throw your leg over his shoulder, allowing him further access into you. Within seconds he finds your g-spot, (he figured it was there since you let out ungodly moans when he hit it) and continues to hit it with each thrust. Each thrust was greeted with a slapping noise and the sounds of your arousal being moved around by Jungkook. His thrusts became more slowed, but deeper, grazing your cervix. The stretch that once felt uncomfortable started to feel pleasurable.

"Right there Jungkook, please don't-" you were too out of breath to even finish your sentence.

Jungkooks heavy breathing would've sent you over the edge right then and there, but he somehow kept you from coming to elongate the feeling of you around him, filling up his senses. His thrusts started to get sloppier, but still had a lustful drive in them. He shot his arm up to the wall, giving him support against his fastened pace. He grunts and shoots the other hand to use his thumb to circle around your clit, making you arch towards his touch.

"I'm gonna-" he spits out, clenching his jaw.

Not long after he warned you, you felt him throb against your insides, a warm pool filling you up. Just the sounds of Jungkook as he released into you was enough to make you follow suit not long after him since he rode his high within you.

"Sorry Ijust-" you put your finger up to his plumped lips to make him shut up.

"Don't say sorry Jungkook, It was perfect. Maybe too perfect..." you look to the side to avoid his taunting gaze. But he grabs your chin and demands for eye contact.

"I've had my eye on you since middle school, Y/N. And Iintend to keep it that way," He kisses your forehead before he gets up and throws you a hoodie that smelled like him.

"Get up butthead, we are getting icecream." he says through his stupid little grin.

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thecollinhartman-blog · 4 years

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Collin’s Coronavirus Thoughts

Corona Diaries

I know what you are thinking. It is Day 4 of the Quarantine and Social Distancing and Collin has gone so crazy without all the busy-ness of life that he is writing a blog post. And you would be absolutely correct. Like every other millennial twenty-something, I have a lot of really great ideas that haven’t quite come to fruition. By now I thought I would be operating a volleyball facility, or traveling the US in a VW van driving for Uber, or pursuing a PhD program in England while playing volleyball, or coaching a small college team in Southern California.

All this to say I’m a big-time dreamer and a mostly incredibly poor “executer”. I often mistake my busy-ness for full-ness. I have seven unread books on my night stand, I haven’t been grocery shopping in weeks, I never got around to painting the trim in the bathroom my dad and I remodeled, my phone hasn’t been at full charge since November, and there has been an overflow of recycling sitting outside my house from the garbage disposal and mattress I got for Christmas… and now it’s March. Welcome to it, friends.

Let’s start here: I stopped by my parents’ house this week to print something – which I often do because I have a lot of printing needs but haven’t ever purchased a printer. It’s nice because I can print some papers I need AND I can always count on cool ranch Doritos and a Mango Orange Crystal Lite…. that I’ll likely take one sip of, leave on the counter, and finish when I’m there 4 days later.

Anyway, here I am printing in my dad’s office and running late for a meeting (all because I napped for too long). I rush out the door of the house, accidentally leaving one document on the printer, pens and paper everywhere, and a cupboard desk drawer open. A few minutes later, my dad sends me a picture of his office, which was without a doubt entirely put together five minutes prior to me being there. The tone of his text is sarcastic but loving but semi-annoyed which I can handle. I spend six seconds feeling bad about my reckless and disorganized self until Hillsong’s Highlands comes on the radio and I turn it up. I don’t spend time reflecting on things that would make me sad, I’m a 7.

In the midst of my frantic printing and meeting prep, my dad told me he was going to call me “F-5”as my new nickname. By the look on my face, he could tell I was confused as to why. He begins to tell me that tornados are classified in F-0 through F-5 categories, with an F-5 tornado being the wildest in nature. My quick google search defines an F-5 tornado as the most “violent damage, homes lifted off foundation and carried considerable distances, autos thrown as far as 100 meters.” I think what my dad was trying to say is that my general way of life is to rampage my way through different spaces, groups, situations… often times in an assertive, proactive, somewhat wild, chaotic way and then just… leave (I think this how I drive too). Stop go stop go stop go. I go from this thing right on to the next without pause. I show up, jump out of my car, race to wherever I’m supposed to go, be (mostly) present there until BOOM, it’s a Monday evening and I’m in the Eagle gym, shutting off all the lights, gathering volleyballs, turning on the alarm, leaving for Young Life – all in an attempt to get there three minutes before it starts so I can prep items for the game I’m leading ALLLLL before being interrupted in the parking lot by a mom of a U11 kid who is reminding me (probably for the 3rd time) about the t-shirt they ordered and are waiting on. Following? Me neither.

In short – my life actually is like an F-5 tornado. I run run run from one thing to the next, filling my world to the brim with as much as I possibly can all until I arrive back at my house at 10:30 pm, gas light on, eat whatever I can find in the fridge before my head hits the pillow 4 minutes later, only to set my alarm and do it again.

I’ve been living my life like this for a really long time until…. well until Sunday when we got the news that school is cancelled, which means volleyball activities are all cancelled too, and Young Life gatherings paused and suddenly my wild Monday is WIDE OPEN.

This blog post / journal / diary is my attempt to articulate from my squirrel brain some things I’ve learned about myself in the last 48 hours since this craziness called coronavirus officially stopped my (and probably your) collective world right in their F-5 tornado tracks.

First, let me tell you about my day today paint a picture of how my world feels just a bit (LITERALLY ENTIRELY) different…..

1) I didn’t set an alarm and I woke up at 8:30 am.

2) Shortly after, I went on a quick walk to the nearest coffee shop and ordered a Misto: I am on my journey to black coffee and I just graduated from a latte to this half coffee half milk concoction (with caramel) and I feel accomplished.

3) I stopped by my neighbor friend’s house to say hello.

4) I got home, cleaned a couple things around the house, washed a couple plates in my sink, and went on a bike ride to downtown Boise where I enjoyed a takeout lunch from Whole Foods. I would like to tell you that I rode my bike home, but a friend happened to see me and my girlfriend (she is working remotely from Utah and visiting right now) saw us and somehow realized the journey completely uphill from downtown to my house on the bench might not be all that fun so we piled our bikes in her car and she took us home.

5) I took a 20 minute snoozer.

6) I got up and did some yard work outside, gathering pine needles from underneath my big backyard tree and finally broke down those big boxes that have been sitting outside my house for months and was able to fit them all inside my recycling can.

7) It started to drizzle so I came inside, crawled under a big blanket and read the first couple chapters of Prodigal God by Timothy Keller.

8) Kinslie and I then stopped by the store to pick up some things for dinner and I grilled some steaks and shared a giant salad and some grilled asparagus.

9) After a few girl scout cookies (they stopped by yesterday), we watched the last half of Ellen’s Game of Games and picked a movie on Netflix.

10) Now I’m lying in my (perfectly made) bed (because I had the time to make it) writing all my thoughts down in a word document wondering if I’ll actually post this or if there is really anything of worth that I’m typing. I think there is but not sure yet.

Well, friends of the interwebs, you might be wondering why you just read a detailed list of my day from start to finish. Here’s what I want you to know.

1) Upon arriving at the coffee shop, I had a cheerful silly conversation with the barista about what drink I should order as we laughed about me wanting to eventually enjoy drip coffee. We engaged in authentic dialogue for a few minutes and on the way out I thanked her for the drink recommendation.

2) Before leaving for our bike ride, my tires were flat so we walked them to the gas station and filled up with six quarters before we went on our merry way. I empathized with the Chevron employee as we talked about coronavirus and how it might impact our lives. I wished him well and went on my way.

3) While bikeriding downtown I noticed there are five…. FIVE… different types of massage or spa places between my house and Curtis, which is the next main stop light.

4) At Whole Foods, I asked the clerk their favorite pasta salad as she walked over and told me all about the 2 for $6 deal. I noticed the different textures of the floor and the neatly stacked chairs and how the vegetables were perfectly arranged in their place.

5) While doing yardwork, I stopped and looked at Kinslie as she was raking leaves into a pile. I went over and looked, I mean REALLY LOOKED into her eyes and noticed how the Irish green edges melt into a light sky-ish blue before meeting her pupil. I noticed the way she parted her wavy blonde hair and the way it fell just barely over the sweatshirt she was borrowing of mine. I noticed how thankful I was I had someone to share this day with and even more thankful for her idea to do this yardwork that surely wouldn’t have been started for maybe forever.

6) While reading, I noticed the way the soft sunshine pressed through my semi-open blinds onto my page and made the black ink pop off the page. I contemplated Keller’s words of Pharisees and tax collectors and a story of two sons on their journey of deeper understanding of God’s steadfast love and grace in the midst of their own struggles.

7) While making dinner I couldn’t help but take just a little extra time to delicately cut each cucumber and carrot slice with care as I heard sounds of clattering branches from my cracked window as dusk began to settle in.

8) And while writing this blog post, I can’t help but notice all the things I noticed in my own world for perhaps the first time.

While I can’t be sure what life will look like in a few short days, weeks, or even months, and while I’m not positive what my income will be, and what daily routines or rituals will be impacted, or how our schools and communities will be changed – I can be sure of this: I hope in the midst of my crazy F-5 tornado life that surely will be back in busy routine before I know it – I hope for a couple things.

I hope I can continue notice the little things. To notice the wildly interconnected, perfectly-timed, awe strikingly beautiful, crazy detailed, little details of this world like the way I noticed the lines on the fresh steaks as I pulled them off my garage sale grill.

I hope to breathe deep and see, I mean REALLY see the world around me, to engage in relationship in more authentic and honest ways, to stop for a moment wherever I am to truly connect with the people around me.

I hope to take my time through a home cooked meal, and to not be so filled with anxiousness and fear of the future and unknown that I my eyes are blinded to see the way God is working in and through my (and our) world, possibly even through something like the freaking COVID-19.

While I’m sure there will be more lessons to be learned in the next little while, I challenge you to take a couple moments to really press in and reflect upon the way this Zombie apocalyptic ish tirade is impacting your world. I truly hope in the midst of empty toilet paper shelves and hand sanitizer hoarders there is something beautiful in your world that you’ve noticed, too.

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ananxioussheep · 4 years

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My Miscarriage Journey

Today: Tuesday, October 1st

On October 1st, 2019 our journey of parenthood was put on an indefinite pause. What started as a routine check-up for the day became our worst nightmare. The second you find out you're pregnant is the most exciting and terrifying moment. You immediately change everything you are doing to ensure your baby is healthy. For me, unfortunately, our baby was not going to be. When I met my midwives that morning I went in for a Doppler check. My midwife was going to look around to find our baby's heartbeat. We couldn't find it the week before. She told me before she had even started last week not to worry if that happened since the baby could be behind my pubic bone or could still just be too small. When we didn't hear it we scheduled a recheck for next week once the baby grew a little more and I kept my bladder full for the check so that my uterus would hopefully be in a better position to finally meet our baby. Three midwives tried with no success. They told me a number of things could be happening, maybe I'm not as far along as we all thought, maybe my uterus wasn't shaped the way it was supposed and baby is just in a different spot, or maybe I was experiencing what is called a missed miscarriage. I left their center and headed to get an ultrasound. Jacob was at work for the day because we thought I was going to be having an easy check-up and I would be leaving with a video for him so he could meet our baby. When I got to the radiology center and saw what was happening I immediately knew this wasn't good. I spent a long year as a vet tech and have seen lots of ultrasounds. I had lots of pregnant friends and knew what I should see. I have a biology degree and have studied a lot of reproduction. When the tech turned the screen my way I saw my uterus. And I saw where my baby should be and wasn't. She decided she wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound to be sure. If you know what this is then you know this is the last thing you want to be doing as your fighting back tears waiting for the inevitable. We found that although I was past 12 weeks, my baby stopped developing around week 7. My body still thought (and still thinks as I write this) that I was pregnant. I now have to walk around for who knows how many days still being pregnant and waiting to labor this child. Jake and I spent the day sobbing. Wondering what we could have done differently. I spent my time talking with God. Asking him if he had changed his mind about thinking if I was going to be a good mother. We told our family and friends and bosses that we would be missing for a while. That we were not going to be meeting our sweet baby in April. That our dream was ending for now. And that we wanted some time and space to process. Right now it's 6 am. I've fallen asleep for 2 hours. My mind can not shut off. I can't stop thinking about how this fight isn't over and I still have to “have” this baby. I can't stop thinking about the fact that we already announced because things were good. I was really sick for weeks so that must mean we have a healthy baby. My body still thinks I'm pregnant. I spent 4 hours last night having reflux and puking. But I still have not had a bit of spotting. We haven't taken a step toward “having” this baby. Part of me wonders if I just keep going along like I'm pregnant maybe God will perform a miracle. But most of me doesn't want to hold onto any hope because that would hurt more. It's crazy how quickly the best season of your life turns into the worst.

72 Hours Later: Friday, October 4th

Take day 3. It's been over 72 hours since we found out we lost this baby. I haven't made any progress in “having” this baby. I am angry. And I'm drinking and I'm almost entirely dependent upon my anxiety medication. My husband who never cries is crying a lot and I don't know how to help. I'm ready to have this child, bury this child, and begin to move on. This is the most challenging, devastating, and world-altering. I have so many doubts? Will I ever be able to be a mother? I want to try now, as soon as possible, but Jake's pain is too much to get there now. Will I ever heal from this? Am I capable of going on?

6 Days Later: Monday, October 7th

Yesterday I called my midwife sobbing. I just can't wait for my body to do this anymore. I can't keep walking around like everything is fine with my lifeless angel inside me. Help. I'll get the pill on Tuesday. I'm reading the same scriptures over and over and over. Jake finished a 1000 piece puzzle in 8 hours and didn't sleep last night. I hid in the office at work all day because I can't afford to not be there. Worship music non-stop. Jesus as much as possible. And literal devastation. How can you miss something that's still inside you? We decided to name our baby even though we don't know what it is. Our baby deserves a name. Emerson, it means brave and powerful (I just keep referring to her as Emmie because I had so many dreams about it being a girl). Exactly what our angel is. And exactly what we will have to be these next few months. I'm planning a tattoo of rosemary their purple blooms which signify love and remembrance and I've decided our baby is a honeybee. All my dreams and plans during this pregnancy have been around bees. When I looked up their meaning I found that they extract sweetness from life, and represent abundance, brightness, and personal power. Because of our sweet little baby bee our family will learn all of these things this season. And now, we wait to finally do this tomorrow; have this baby.

Tuesday, October 8th, 11:55 PM

Preparing for a long night ahead as I FINALLY started bleeding. As absolutely devastating as this moment is I'm so relieved to finally let this baby move through my body naturally and I'm it's timing. I was scheduled to pay another $300 tomorrow for another ultrasound for confirmation to get the medication. I am praying to God and have been asking him to let this be the way this happens. So now. At midnight Jacob and I are running to Walmart for freaking incontinence pads for old people. All because we decided we wanted to love each other a little tonight and I guess that's all baby needed. To know Jake and I still love each other. (He will literally hate me for that but guess what most happy marriages have sex lives, it's totally biblical y'all). Part of me feels terrible for celebrating right now and I know it won't feel like this as the pain and bleeding continue but right now, I'm proud of Jake and me for getting through this and so proud of our baby for trying as hard as it could in this short little life.

Wednesday, October 9th, 10:00 AM

Well, I barely bled at all so to the Dr. we go to get this process rolling for real. Last night I held my tummy and told my baby how proud I am of him or her. It fought so hard for this life. And it's fighting so hard to get to the other side of this life. I'm so ready for us all to be at rest and be ready to heal. Jacob and I are realizing how perfect God's timing is. Although we were pretty annoyed when we didn't get to go on our Labor Day cruise I can now see that God perfectly planned this time away for us. I'm believing it's going to be so healing. And it also helps give me perspective that God knows exactly what he's doing with this little babe. They were just too precious to be earthside. I find a lot of comfort knowing we have a personal angel caring for us from above.

Wednesday 5:30 PM

Here we go. Pain. Cramps. Aches. I'm tired already and it hasn't even begun.

Thursday, October 10th, 1:00 AM

3 pills in. I'm finally losing my mind. I just woke up Jake with my crying because I officially feel like I have lost at the game of life. I currently feel insufficient as a wife, a friend, an employee, and especially as a mom. I'm looking back on this year and honestly, it has been the most miserable and lonely year of my life. And this moment has been by far the hardest. There is no pain that can compare to watching pieces and clumps of cells that should have been your child fall out of you. And having to force your body to do it with pill after pill because after 7 weeks it still won't understand that it's not going to have this baby. I don't recognize myself or my life anymore. For the past 8 weeks we've known about this baby I finally felt purposed again. I was working toward a goal. A life that I saw so much fulfillment in. And all of a sudden it's just gone. Nothing can prepare you for these moments. I'm so deeply pressed for anyone who has ever and will ever do this and I'm trying to imagine how I will dig myself out of this. Here's what I know, one, I will not apologize for doing the things that are best for me and two, I will speak up about this experience as much as possible because this baby deserves a memory and this experience deserves to be de-stigmatized. My head is throbbing, my back is throbbing, the pain is so deep in my abdomen that I am nauseous yet nothing else is happening. I'm just exhausted. Physically, Spiritually, Emotionally. I'm fried.

Thursday: 8:30 AM

I was wondering why everyone kept saying you would know when it happened because I really didn't think I would know, but then it happened. Feeling dizzy, nauseous, and a little more empty. I love you little babe.

Friday, October 11th

Today we took what remained of our little and planted a tree. It’s the first thing I see every day when I walk in the door.

Sunday, October 13th - Sunday, October 20th

Time for “vacation” In the photos we took and posted are beautiful mountain ranges, conquered fears, crystal clear oceans, and lots of smiles. On the other side of those photos was a lot of time spent mourning and grieving. While I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to have moments like these it does not change how hard these past few days/weeks have been. I'm so proud of the steps Jacob and I took to enjoy this vacation as much as we could. I'm happy to say we have learned so much and are a stronger couple now than we were just weeks ago. But I would be lying if I uploaded all those smiles and didn't share the tears that were behind them each and every day. At the dinner table. On the beach. At the top of a mountain. There's no convenient time to suffer loss. While others might forget, Jacob and I will not. While others might feel it's time to move on, I'm not ready to. While others think we are supposed to smile, we have to cry. Don't mistake this for a pity party, but understand that miscarriage is excruciating on your mind, body, and soul. It's time we start being more honest with ourselves and others with the state of our hearts. I wanted to shed some light on our week. I wish I could say our vacation was all I hoped for and that I experienced so much healing during this time as I wished I was going to, but I didn't. I hope this encourages someone else today to know that it's ok to not be ok for a while and to be a little more honest with themselves and others about the state of their heart. I'm confident God has a plan for this as he works all together for good.

Monday, October 21st

I went back to work today and spent the night before sleeping a total of 2 hours and having panic attacks all night long. I spent my lunch break having one of the worst panic attacks I ever had, my breathing was so stifled I almost called 911 I was sure I was going to pass out. I walked away into the back office and cried for over an hour because someone asked me if I had kids… I’m feeling like it’s impossible to live in this world now. This whole process and loss hurts more now than it did when I found out or as I was living the miscarriage itself. I am literally dragging myself out of bed day to day as a necessity and 3 times my normal dose of meds still aren't doing the job. So I guess the whole gist of this whole story is… It’s ok to not be ok...

...I struggled with where to end this post because truly the end of this post isn’t the end of this process, but I hope this gives you insight into the brokenness of this process for so many women. I’m happy to answer any and all questions surrounding this devastating situation. Education is power, in all circumstances.

#miscarriage #anxiety #anxious #depressed #depression #hurt #pain #loss #death #hope #Help #jesus

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witchqueenofthemoon · 5 years

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BODY AND SOUL Part 29 (Duncan Shepherd/Mackenzie Stone Millory AU)

BODY AND SOUL MASTERPOST

Author’s Note: Okay y’all...listen. I meant to get this part up yesterday, but the Met Gala ate my fucking soul. Billie and Cody finally together at an event since MONTHS AGO at Ryan Murphy’s Walk of Fame ceremony is a thing I have been waiting for...since then, which was back in November. NEEDLESS TO SAY I WAS KIND OF DISTRACTED. Cody looked like some kind of cerulean space prince, and Kenzie looked like a goddamn glitter princess barbie, and then they started screaming along to Cher together and I DIED and now I’m speaking to you from heaven. IT’S BEEN A HUNDRED YEARS SINCE WE GOT ANY COLLIE CONTENT. I was on cloud nine, and I still am. It’s the intense, magnetic chemistry between them that birthed Millory in the first place, and Millory, of course, birthed Duckenzie. The two of them so happy together after months of not seeing each other was just so incredibly wonderful, I feel so grateful to Leslie in particular. I still feel like I’m high off of all of it, but especially the two of them, who are just absolute royalty to me. AND NOW ON TO THE CHAPTER: This is a big one. I’ve been waiting for a long time to introduce Rosemary to all of you--who is (did you guess?) my Angela Basset/Marie Laveau AU. I’ve known for awhile that she was going to play an important role in this story, and it was as wonderful for me to meet her as it was for Duckenzie here. She’ll show up one more time before the end; and I might do a little one-shot eventually where they go to visit her in New Orleans. She makes a really mean gumbo. Her top is like this, her skirt like this, her headscarf, her boots, some of her necklaces: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. A reminder that Kenzie’s dress in this part looks like this. The Fates, at least, my version of them (certainly based on the Moirai but also on the many incarnations of Hecate, as she bestows magical powers on Kenzie and Duncan, and on the witches in the AHS universe, and all witches in all universes, at least in my mythology), were always going to be the Triple Goddess, the Goddess many witchcraft practitioners (myself included) pay homage to: once again, the Divine Feminine energy that guides true goodness in the universe. Her mythology is partially my own invention (giving her a Heaven, making her the force of Light that fights against cosmic Darkness/the Devil, rather than a patriarchal god), partially in accordance to many witch beliefs. I loved that “god” appears to Michael in APOCALYPSE as a little girl; if anyone remembers that I put Ariana Grande’s GOD IS A WOMAN way back in Part 4 (cuz y’all, even then I had plans), you get a cookie. Duckenzie’s High Destiny has long been in the works in the grace notes of my story; it’s the cosmic energy of their union bringing a balance into their world. I’d need some weed to deal with the information they’re given, hence they smoke some weed. To finally have a chance to explain the way in which Duncan and Kenzie are Michael and Mallory was a big moment for me and for this fic; and to explain that she will always be his saving grace, too. I didn’t want to focus on sadness or despair regarding Duncan’s fate as Michael; rather the joy of the redemption of Duncan’s universe. I had to put WITCH-QUEEN OF NEW ORLEANS in this part as an homage to Rosemary being Marie Laveau in another life (also, it’s a fucking jam). Had to include a nod to Purity Ring’s BEGIN AGAIN in Duncan’s thoughts when he’s eating Kenzie out in this part, the most Millory song of all time to me. A reminder that this is the Demeter/Persephone illustration. This is the one of Selene looking down on Endymion. The excerpt Kenzie reads is indeed directly from the book. This chapter marks the closure of an important arc of my fic; from here on out, I’m moving forward into the last 1/3 of the story. As ever, your reblogs, comments, asks and edits (moodboards, playlists, aesthetics, everything) mean the world to me. If you’re reading, please take a minute to reblog the masterpost, thank you.

The light was high when he finally woke; the day was half over, Duncan could tell immediately, before he even opened his eyes. We slept all morning. Oh god, that’s so fucking wonderful. I don’t remember the last time I slept all morning. Something had woken him, he knew with a vague knowledge. A loud sound.

His dream drifted off. I was in the woods, dirty, starving, tired, and a little girl was offering me an apple, but I wouldn’t take it for some reason...I was waiting for someone else...and he forgot it, moving up from sleep into the summer daylight. The room was balmy-warm, the golden sunlight past the window, coming from somewhere overhead, the wind drifting on the curtains again, the sound of a crow cawing outside somewhere over the lake. It was at least midday, but Duncan could smell the remnants of the hickory fire wafting through the window. It really was a good fire. And I made it. I pulled it out of my own heart, that fire.

There was a long, low buzzing--the doorbell, Duncan knew. Or rather, the bell for the front gate, the keypad and security feed downstairs beside the walnut-wood front door. Who the fuck could that possibly be. We didn’t tell anyone but Madeline where we were going. Maybe it is Madeline?

He stirred, his arm instinctively coming around Kenzie’s breast, his nose turning down into her hair; it smelled like the grass, the sun, her sweet sweat, and the residue of her rosy-jasmine shampoo. The bed was so wonderfully soft, the feel of her so exquisite--Duncan sent out jabs of resentment towards the sound that had woken him. How fucking dare you.

Kenzie stirred a little against him--he leaned up, brushing the hair from her cheek to kiss it. The buzz rang out again, low and insistent and bracing. Her eyes fluttered and she let out a little moan, turning her face up towards him.

“Dunny, what is that,” she murmured. “Turn it off.”

“It’s the buzzer for the gate, baby,” he replied, his own voice coming out in a groan. “Someone’s at the gate.”

Her eyes came open immediately at that. “What? Who?”

“I have no idea. Did we even tell anyone where the cabin is?”

“I didn’t. Did you?”

“No...I don’t think so…”

The buzzer rang again; Kenzie moaned, turning into him, burying her face in his bare chest. How fucking dare you, he thought again, bringing his face down, kissing beside the dip of her eye. How dare you make me get out of bed, away from her. Who could have possibly found us? He hesitated for a long moment, contemplating staying and letting whoever it was ring the buzzer until they got tired and went away--but no, he thought, with a twinge of precognition. It’s someone important. It’s someone we have to see. Oh god, I hope it isn’t Annette.

Duncan got up, pained to move away from her, sliding over the softness of the bed. He trod naked to his suitcase, feeling Kenzie’s eyes on him, her eyes falling down to the half-hardness of his sleepy cock, a pout around her mouth. We came out here to get away from everyone, and still, someone found us. Somehow. Fuck. He pulled on briefs and another pair of jersey shorts, these in dark black, and one of the plain black tee shirts, ruffling a hand through his hair, and yawned.

The buzzer. Again.

“Fuuuuck,” he breathed. “Who the fuck is that?”

“If it’s Annette, I’m going to freak out,” Kenzie said, and Duncan watched her affectionately as she kicked her legs under the soft covers in frustration. He glanced at an elaborate golden-framed clock, beside one of the laurels. It was 12:17 PM. Fuck, it’s past noon. We slept for a long time. Fuck it. We earned it. We had a perfect day yesterday, full of wonders, and a perfect, long sleep. And now what--now what.

“I’ll be right back, baby.” Duncan hesitated, then winked at her. Fuck it. I’ll move through space again. Why not. He closed his eyes and grinned as he heard Kenzie’s delighted hum towards him, felt her knowledge at what he was about to do. That’s it, Dunny, show me your magic. Then her laugh cut off--he ached at the loss of it--and before he opened his eyes again, he already knew he was downstairs, facing the inside of the front door.

There was a small iPad beside the door here, the intercom below it and remote buttons for opening and closing the gate. Duncan tapped the tablet with a finger, and the security camera feed came up, facing the outward side of the road. There was a red Toyota Camry parked there, and the woman in the front seat was pressing insistently at the buzzer--he heard it ring again through the house, heard the far-away sound of another exasperated groan from Kenzie upstairs. He couldn’t see the woman’s face very well from this angle, but he could see the chocolatey color of her skin as she extended an arm through the car window. Her nails were long and red.

Duncan switched the cameras; now the one on the feed was from straight above the outside buzzer the woman was pressing so incessantly. Now he could see into the driver’s seat clearly. He didn’t recognize the woman at all, but she was stunningly beautiful; she had sharp, slanting cheekbones, pursed in impatience, full lips in deep mauve, a dark silk titian-colored scarf wrapped around her head. Her eyes flashed out at him through the camera; they were dramatically intense and bright, brimming with secret knowledge. Her skin was warm cocoa-brown, and flawless. Duncan shivered.

Who are you?

He pressed the talk button on the program’s interface, puzzled, frowning.

“Can I help you?”

The woman started; Duncan saw her jerk back in her seat, surprised. Her expression shifted from frustration to one that seemed to be relief--it was difficult to tell on the feed, but she seemed tired, as though she’d been waiting for a long time, or had missed sleep, her expression drawn. As he watched her on the iPad screen, she pressed a hand between her eyes, then lifted her palms together skyward, as if in a silent prayer of thanks.Then she leaned over and spoke into the intercom.

“Praise be to Her, is this Duncan Shepherd?”

Duncan balked. Fuck. Shit. They found us. Someone found us.

“May I ask who you are and what your business here is?”

“I know that’s you, I can feel that it’s you, honey--and I can feel Mackenzie Stone here, too. I need you to let me in. I drove almost 17 hours with some very poor sleep in between to get here from New Orleans, pulled by the Will of the Goddess with a forceful hand, because She wants me to speak to you two and tell you what She told me, that the time is upon us. Now, if you would be so kind, I am starving and would appreciate some breakfast, and I need to park this car before I crash it into a tree, blue eyes.”

“How did you find us? We didn’t tell anyone where we were going. We’ve been here for a day--”

“Sugar, honey, listen, I told you. The Goddess. Sent. Me. She came to me and She told me where you were and She told me everything. It’s gonna take awhile to tell you everything, so you best let me in and make me some eggs and some black coffee and roll me a big joint of that strong blue weed I know you got.”

What the fuck.

“Who are you?”

The woman let out a long sigh, rolling her eyes, dipping her chin up, then turned back to the intercom, enunciating with a pointed impatience.

“I am Her Hand, and She sent me, and Her will is to reveal your High Destiny. My name is Rosemary Antigone Delacroix, and you, Duncan Malcolm Shepherd, best let me the fuck in.”

Her words came like a heavy weight against Duncan’s mind, a pressing hand squeezing on his heart. This woman was powerful; he could feel her power from here, surrounding him, pressing against him, running along the edges of his skin, brushing the sleep from his mind, stoking him wide awake. This woman is a seer, a priestess. She can see things that are happening, have happened, will happen. She’s the one who was coming--the thing on the horizon that we felt on its way. And now she’s here. It’s her destiny to come to us, it’s our destiny to receive and hear her. Okay, Fates. I get it. I’m picking it up, loud and clear. Shit.

Duncan double-tapped the button beside the intercom; OPEN GATE.

He watched the beautiful woman through the screen; she smiled, her teeth shining out from her face--he could see her eyes flash, marvelously clear despite the smallness of the iPad screen.

“Blessed be,” she said, pushing a pair of large dark sunglasses over her eyes. Then she laughed, and the laugh sent a shiver up Duncan’s spine; it was lit with a bright joy that seemed to descend from the top of his head down into every part of his body, a tingling, vibrating energy charged with prophecy. It’s here. She’s here. The thing that was coming has arrived.

He turned away from the intercom and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time; his heart was hammering and he felt far too nervous, suddenly, to try to use his still-mysterious power once more.

“Kenz,” he called as he reached the landing, sprinting down the hall. Something was lifting him up now; kindling his excitement, pitching his nerves to a high place. “Baby--” He ran through the bedroom doorway, skidding to a stop, falling onto the bed on his knees. Kenzie was sitting up now, clutching the blanket against her naked torso, her chestnut-light hair tangled around her shoulders, staring at him with an apprehension in her sleepy eyes; then she saw his face, lit with that strange excitement building in his gut, and smiled at him, nervously.

“Dunny, what? Who was it? What is it?”

“Kenzie, it’s--I don’t know who she is, but it’s her. The one that was coming. The one we felt. You know? She’s the one. She’s beautiful, Kenzie. She’s a medium--or something, I can feel it. You know how we were talking about going to see a psychic? Well--I think she came to us. She felt us. Kenzie, she said she just drove here for 17 hours from New Orleans. She said her name is...Rosemary. Something. She said--fuck, Kenzie, she said The Goddess sent me, She told me where you were--”

His words were tumbling out at break-neck speed--he slid over the softness of the bed to grasp Kenzie’s (beautiful, tiny, beloved) hands, and he could see the uncertainty in her gaze bleeding out into the excitement he felt.

“Duncan--really?”

“Really, my love. Oh, fuck. Really.”

Kenzie let the blanket fall away from her, and Duncan couldn’t stop himself--he clutched at her, under the sweet roundness of her little breasts, pulled her against him, immediately devouring her mouth in a kiss that flooded his body with tingling energy. Her divinity washed over him--the tide of her. Mackenzie Stone. We’re here, at the doorway, our Fate is on the other side. I’m not afraid. You’re here with me.

“I found you,” he murmured into her lips. “I found you, I found you, we’re here, we’re here together, I’m ready--”

“Oh, baby--” and Kenzie was kissing him breathlessly, her smell the sweetest thing in all the world, roses crushing into him. Duncan leaned away to look at her; Kenzie’s eyes were gold-flecked and infinitely bright, and her beauty was iridescent in the noon sunlight winking through the curtains. Mackenzie Shepherd, angel of my life, the part of me that was cut away, the fixed, irrevocable light of my soul.

“She said she has a lot to tell us. She’s coming now, she’s probably almost at the door. I’m going to make us all some breakfast. She knew things, Kenz, I don’t fucking know--I feel like she knows everything about us. You’ll see. Even through the screen I could feel her power. It was coppery-purple, like a sheen all over her...come downstairs when you’re ready, okay, baby? Take your time. I can feel it, can you feel it?”

“Yes, baby, yes. I can feel it so much I can hardly breathe.” Tears were in her eyes; he kissed her again, and Kenzie clung to him, her softness overwhelming to him, and for a moment he wished he could throw her down into the bed, kiss every inch of her nakedness, every tiny secret place of her heart. Then they broke apart; Duncan knew as he could feel she did that the time was upon them, and his adorations would have to come later.

The time when we find out who we really are.

Kenzie slid away from him towards the edge of the bed and he grasped her waist, helping her down--she stood there, naked and shivering in some phantom breeze, her golden hair falling down her back in a shimmering wave, then she kneeled to her suitcase, tucking the strands that fell into her eyes behind her ears, looking away from him, determined. Duncan gathered up the bag of weed, the lighter, his grinder and his gold pipe from one of the laurel mantels where they’d left it yesterday, then went to the door, looking back at her again for a moment, trailing a hand through the side of his hair.

“Kenzie, baby--”

“Dunny, I know. I know. Just go downstairs, okay? I’ll be there soon. I know. I feel it too.”

He nodded inside her gold-flecked gaze, then turned away, sniffing back the tears he felt coming, trying to stave them. I feel the hand of destiny, and oh Fate, it’s heavy. It’s fearsome to behold it, to contemplate its weight, this Thing, this knowledge we’re about to be given.

Duncan heard a sharp, determined knock on the door downstairs then, and his breath caught. He ran down the hall, throwing himself down the stairs; he reached the door, flipping the double turning locks in fumbling fingers, yanked at the long handle--as he pulled the door wide a burst of golden sunlight drifted over his eyes, caught in the dappled trees. He lifted a hand to shield his face, and saw the woman standing there, silhouetted in a golden shroud that was like a holy halo around her. A halo, like Kenzie’s, Duncan thought. And then he heard her laugh again--and her laugh was even more beautiful now that he was standing before her. A laugh the angels would sigh to hear.

She reached out for him--Duncan felt frozen inside her dark-bright eyes, intensely focused on him beneath arched, graceful brows, the sharpness of her cheeks glowing dark sienna in the sun. She was immediately imposing; regal, her posture graceful, her poise intimidating and unmistakable. Her mouth smiled that radiantly white smile he’d glimpsed through the iPad screen; his breath caught to see it in the flesh, struck by her majesty, the expression on her staggeringly beautiful features, knowing, wise, and expectant. Her burgundy-colored blouse had long, drifting sleeves that fluttered in the slight wind, and her long black skirt fell to her ankles with an intricate pattern of flowers and vines. On her feet were heeled knee-high boots in dark brown leather. Around her neck were what seemed to be a dozen necklaces, gold and silver chains mixed in with leather cords and multi-colored ropes of beads; a raven skull, the claws of unknown animals, the symbol of the waxing, full, and waning moons (like the one Kenzie has), the voluptuous shape of a woman, a huge pointed obsidian, and countless tiny quartz points.

“I see what she’s done to you, Evening Star,” she said, and Duncan felt his breath gasp, suddenly caught in his throat. That’s what Kenzie called me. Sword of the Evening Star. “Snatched you from the jaws of darkness in this world. And I am moved to see it. As I knew I would be. The time of your High Destiny has come.”

Her hand came around his; her touch was very warm and strong. As she stepped closer Duncan could smell myrrh and resin and musky vanilla. The urge of tears rose in him again--the woman clasped her other hand around his, so she was gripping it in both. Her face was about level to his chin in her heeled boots, and she looked up at him with an approving grace; she seems taller than me, though, he thought. The energy around her is so focused; so carefully, intricately controlled.

“What did you say your name was?” He asked, and heard the trembling in his voice.

“Rosemary Antigone Delacroix. High Priestess of Her Will. The Goddess, from whom all life in this universe flows; from whom the life in every universe flows. Mother of all, three-faced, infinite. Your mother, and mine, and the mother of the High Princess, the Hidden Sphere Herself, whom you are blessed to love. Infinitely blessed, sweet Prince, with whom you will heal this suffering world.”

Goosebumps broke out all over his skin, the tiny hairs on his arms and the back of his neck prickling instantly, wildly. I knew it. I felt it. That she’s divine. That she’s holy.

“Please, come in.”

Rosemary’s smile lingered as she stepped past him, scattering its light over him; she moved into the house, beyond the staircase, her steps determined, her movements refined, hands clasped together in front of her, through the front room and towards the kitchen. She seemed to know where it was without needing to ask him, and Duncan followed, mesmerized by her. As they reached the kitchen Rosemary sat at the wooden island, reaching out for his hand again--this time, he knew, for the one that held the weed. He passed it all off to her and she sighed; the sound of her voice was deeply lovely, but he could hear the tinge of tiredness.

“Make me some eggs, would you, sugar? I like ‘em a little runny, lots of butter. And some of that turkey bacon I know you have in the fridge there.” Duncan stared for a moment, blinking as she rolled a big bud in her fingers, then began to sprinkle it inside his grinder. She paused, looking up at him expectantly. “And a big-ass coffee. I’ll pack this bowl. All three of us are going to need some fortification for these revelations. Don’t you worry, your seer is here. I know you’ve been waiting, I feel it in this house, you filled it with your hopes and dreams and your confusion as soon as you got here. I feel it on your skin. You two have power unlike any I’ve ever seen, but you haven’t learned how to control it yet, that’s for certain. It’s zooming around in this space like it’s been snorting cocaine.”

Duncan turned as if waking out of a dream to the fridge, pulling out the eggs, bacon, and a stick of butter, retrieving a frying pan from a line of them against the wall, listening to the smooth clarity of her voice. Her energy seemed to be settling into the kitchen--dusky purple, warm, steady. He could almost see it, the way he could see Kenzie’s gold sometimes. She was taking the edge off him--bringing him down to her calmness, her certainty.

“So...Rosemary. Who--what--how--” He went to the Keurig that sat on the counter, starting a cup, then brought a hand absently to his chin, looking back at her again. She was deftly packing the bowl to the brim, the smile still playing at the corners of her mouth. “How did you...what did She...”

The Goddess, triple-faced, infinite.

“Shhh, blue-eyed Prince. You need to take it slow. All of this--” she gestured around the kitchen, but Duncan knew she meant all of it--the cabin, the lake, the forest with the clearing of black oaks, the field open to the stars--”this place is potent, full of your power, like a power outlet for your magicks. It’s why they’ve been so strong since you got here. This is an in-between place, and anyone who has even a little bit of the power you two have can feel it. But for the High Princess and her sweet consort, it’s like being given an electric shock--one that goes on and on. It’s the reason your lusts have been so potent, too.”

Duncan blushed at that. Lately, mine always are.

She smiled at him, knowing, then lit the bowl and breathed deeply from it, blowing out in a satisfied stream, leaning back against the wooden island.

“Hoo, that’s some good rich people shit,” she hummed. “Ooph, that’s good. Just what I needed, Praise be to Her. Thank you, Mother.”

Duncan got to work on the eggs, carefully cracking two into the pan and slipping two sides of the bacon next to them, deftly pressing the edges of the egg whites with a steel spatula. The smell made his stomach immediately begin to rumble; she’s right, we definitely need to eat before we get into all of this. All...of what?

“You two.” He could hear Rosemary laughing a little now from where his back was turned. “You two have burst upon the world like a garden. The media was not prepared. The public was not prepared. The world is not prepared, but they will get prepared--real quick. The current of time has turned towards fortune. And that, my dear Prince, is a beautiful thing. Beautiful beyond words. That I have lived to see this time is a great blessing.”

“Rosemary, what do you mean? How did you find us here?”

“Wait for her. For the Princess. The little golden goddess. Then I’ll begin.”

Duncan pulled down a plate and slipped the eggs onto it, a little runny, glassy with butter as she had asked. He flipped the bacon to let it fry for a bit longer, and brought the plate over to Rosemary, who appraised him with power drifting in her gaze. She took it, her warm hand brushing against his again; he felt the current pass through them, felt her strength, the depths of her knowledge touch his mind.

“You’ve been manifesting powers here, have you? And before you got here, too.”

“Fuck, yes. Non-stop, practically. I’ve been--transporting myself with my mind. Teleporting? I don’t know what to call it.”

“Transmutation. Salire per spatium. The ability to move, magically, instantly, from one space to another, without physically occupying the space between.” Rosemary took another long puff from Duncan’s gold pipe, then sliced into an egg with her fork, dipping it between her very white teeth. “Mm, baby. Perfect. You can fry an egg for certain.”

“Yeah. Yes. And Pyrokinesis. That’s what it’s called, right? The ability to conjure fire.”

“Create, control, manipulate. All of it. You can do all of those, I guarantee it. Try it.” She nodded to the stovetop, which Duncan had turned on manually. The bacon was sizzling, done--Duncan took a deep breath, then drifted his fingers close to the element, concentrated. Go back now. Go back. The fire went low, blue-white, and then died--the stovetop began to cool instantly.

“Mm--mm-mm,” Rosemary hummed. “Lovely. I can do a little myself, but nothing so smooth as that. That’s lovely. And I can only imagine what she’s been doing.”

“It’s so beautiful, Rosemary. She is so beautiful. I can’t even tell you…”

“You’re biased, baby blue, but I’m sure you’re right. Any other things you’ve found out you can do?”

“She can sense my emotions over long distances...I found out something I hadn’t known the other day that really upset me, and she felt my emotions even though we were on opposite sides of the city. And...we can read each other’s thoughts. You’re the first person who knows that, and I don’t even know who you are. But...yeah. It’s like colors--she looks and feels like gold...she says mine is blue. I can kind of see mine, sometimes, if the emotion is really strong. Now that she’s here. I couldn’t...I couldn’t do any of this before. Before we met.”

Duncan brought the bacon over to Rosemary’s plate and slid it down from the pan. She immediately dipped a graceful hand to it, blowing on it, crunching it in her teeth. He brought her coffee over, starting one for Kenzie now. “I can hear little bits of other people’s thoughts now sometimes, when they’re really strong. I think Kenzie can do it almost all the time. And she can heal people--their bodies, their hearts, their anger. It looks like gold when she does that, too. She can sort of...press it into people, like she’s wrapping them in a blanket.”

He started more eggs in the pan, silent for a little while as Rosemary sipped her coffee. Then he went on.

“Two nights ago there was a Gala--”

“The Shepherd Freedom Foundation Gala, everyone knows that, honey,” Rosemary cut him off. “You two are on the front page of a lot of shit since yesterday.”

Duncan winced, plating the other eggs and getting to work on more bacon. “Really? We turned our phones off before we left. We really wanted to just get away for a few days. It’s been...really intense since Kenzie and I found each other. The scrutiny’s been intense.”

“I understand, Duncan. When my task is done--that is, to tell you your destiny--I’ll be gone, for I have many duties, and you will have a little more time to be alone together. But the Goddess told me what to do, so I’m doing it. When She speaks, everyone best listen. Let me give you a warning. When the two of you go back--back to DC, I mean--the world will have changed. As if time opened a new window. You are on the path now, one heading towards a bright future, not just for you and Mackenzie, but for this universe. There are many--universes, I mean. Not all of them are kind, or light, or good, some of them have no light, and some have a depth of both. This universe has much darkness, but like clouds parting from the sun, your union here will bring transcendent light. As there is a balance of greater darkness in other universes, this one will swing to the light. A major obstacle will have passed when you return, but there will be a new onslaught of attention focused on you and Mackenzie. You will need to be her sword at every turn; you will bow to her light and others will follow your example. So gather your strength.”

Duncan’s head was pounding. What does any of that even mean? Other universes?

“Are you talking about...quantum theory? Like, parallel universes?”

At that moment Duncan heard a soft sound in the doorway--he looked up to see Kenzie coming into the kitchen on bare feet. She was tucking her chestnut-golden hair behind her ear, her face nervously turned down, eyes huge, fingers at her mouth; she wore a floor-length white linen dress, covered in a print of pale pinkish roses, with a dipping neck and short, puffed sleeves. The Tiffany moon glinted at her throat; as she moved her arm the Cartier bracelet flashed there in gold and diamond. Rosemary had turned to her, and Kenzie’s eyes were wide on the other woman. God she’s so beautiful so beautiful so powerful I can feel her lovely power like a field of a thousand violets, like the water flowing out from the sea...Duncan could hear Kenzie’s thoughts falling out of her in a long stream.

Rosemary’s face was cast into an immediate affection--a curious wonder. Her mouth dipped open, away from the black coffee cup which had been poised at her mouth a moment before, and she sighed; the sigh of relief that comes after a long, anticipatory wait.

“Child. Sweet child of heaven.”

“Hi,” Kenzie whispered. She stopped in front of Rosemary, and the woman reached out her beautiful dark fingers. Kenzie slipped her small hands against Rosemary’s; Duncan felt speechless, his heart feeling crushed by the moment, his eyes immediately blurred by tears.

“I am Rosemary Delacroix, and I am a mouthpiece for Her, the three-headed, the absolute, the Goddess. She has many names. Time. The universe. God. Goddess. Fate. Destiny. But she is the one who brought all life to be, kindled it, nurtured it, tended to it. She is the one who remakes life, rebuilds it, cycles it through every age, in every place, in every aspect. She made me; she made you and your sweet blue-eyed Prince from the stars burning like these diamonds, many eons ago.” Rosemary’s finger drifted to the bracelet; her dark eyes glanced up at the one on Duncan’s wrist, knowingly, and he shivered. “She made the thread that tethered you together, Mackenzie Stone and Duncan Shepherd, long ago, before she made Time, because you, sweet High Princess, asked her to. You loved him; you asked to be together always. And she granted your wish. Because you were--you are--beloved in the sight of heaven. You are a High Princess of Her Body, and of the Garden. You are the Hidden Sphere.”

Long, aching tears fell from Kenzie’s cheeks--she glanced over to Duncan, biting her trembling lip, her thoughts crushed gold. I do love him. I do love you, Duncan, more than anything. I do love you. I love you. This woman knows--knows I’m divine, the way you said you knew. The way I can feel it, now, and I can’t find the words.

“It’s fine to cry, honey. It’s fine. You cry as much as you want, mmhm? Come sit with me, angel baby. You come sit with me and let me bask in your sweet light. I can feel it now, like taking a bath in a pool of gold. Goddess, praise be. That’s just fucking lovely. Praise be to Her. She made the masterpiece, sweet sugar, in you--that gold, like a waterfall. What a soul.”

“Duncan’s the one who looks like a masterpiece to me,” Kenzie was laughing a little through her tears, settling down on the bench next to Rosemary, who had dipped a long arm under Kenzie’s elbow to steady her. Duncan brought Kenzie’s breakfast over to her, trying to hide the tears on his cheek with a swift hand--she looked up at him, biting her lip, nodding. “Thanks baby,” she whispered. I love you so much, he heard her thought. I’m not afraid.

“What do you mean, asked to be together always?” Duncan said, his voice trembling. “Are you saying there’s a goddess...that controls the universe, and Kenzie is...what, her daughter?”

Rosemary looked at him for a long moment, her eyes staggering with depth. For a time Duncan felt lost, mesmerized inside them; like the whirling gold galaxies he’d seen in Kenzie’s eyes in the dream, or the blue nebulas she said she saw in his, he felt he could see violet supernovas, cascades of cosmic dust in Rosemary’s gaze for a moment. Something infinite and eternal. Something constant, and huge beyond imagining.

“Make yourself some breakfast first, Duncan. You’re going to need something in your stomach before we really begin. I want both of you to know right now--there is much to tell. It will take some time. My heart is full of all of it. I need your strength, my dear one, to help me tell you everything.” Rosemary pulled Kenzie’s hand into her lap again, gripping it with strong fingers. Kenzie was nodding--a silent, secret thought seemed to pass between them, one Duncan could not see or hear in his mind. He felt immediately frustrated to be cut off from them; then he heard Kenzie speak to him alone in gold waves: be patient, baby, beloved, be patient, okay? Take a breath, the kind you showed me after my nightmare, when you held me so sweetly.

Their eyes met; Rosemary’s gaze shifted between them. Okay baby, Duncan thought, breathing in through his nose, holding it, breathing out. He turned back to his eggs, his stomach in knots.

“To be near both of you gives me strength already.” Rosemary’s face clouded with emotion; she seemed close to tears, and raised the coffee cup to her face again to gather her composure. “The Goddess has made all things in perfect balance, the light and dark, the day and night, and both of you--the perfect balance of these things, the great duality of her creations. To be here with you is to behold her Wonders. Eat, child.” Rosemary gestured to Kenzie’s plate, and Kenzie nodded, picking up a piece of the bacon, biting into it. Duncan brought his own breakfast over to the island, and sat carefully, across from her, reaching out his hand. Kenzie took it, her eyes wildly bright.

My heart feels like it’s going to burst, Dunny, she thought.

Mine too, my sweet Kenzie. Oh, god. Goddess. Whoever is listening. The Fates who have been guiding us…

“Rosemary,” Duncan said, looking into the woman’s dark eyes. “Since we met, I keep going back to this one image, of the Fates, you know, like in mythology--Clotho, Lachesis, Atropos. I keep seeing them in my mind’s eye, seeing them weaving this thread for us, the one that brought us together. Does that mean something?”

Rosemary finished the food on her plate, sighed a little, contentedly, and brought his gold pipe up to her lips again, breathing deeply. She dipped a hand under her chin, her eyes taking on a serene expression.

“It’s Her. She is the Fates. The Goddess--She has three faces. Many know Her by them, and worship Her in these aspects, She has many names. She is three-headed in that way; She is never totally the same from one moment to the next. When She came to me this time, She was very young and beautiful--Her skin like the tanned sand under a long sun--Her eyes bright in unbroken joy, her body smooth. But She does not always appear this way. Her aspect is ever-changing, the color of Her skin, Her hair, Her eyes, Her face; when I see Her, I feel it is Her, for She never appears the same. Sometimes She is very old, and sometimes She is a mother, her belly swollen, and sometimes She is not a woman at all, not entirely--She is some other great thing, made of stars and strange matter. I’ve seen Her this way, in dreams.”

She passed the pipe to Kenzie, and Kenzie took it in her small hands, head dipping to breathe in from it. Kenzie was still crying--Duncan’s fingers slid over her palm, sending the strongest wave of comfort he could into her. I love you, baby, I love you, everything is okay, everything’s going to be okay, better than okay…

“The Fates are her aspects--all three are Her. You thought of them because you thought of Her--because you knew, you know it was She who brought the two of you together. Your destiny--the High Destiny, as it has been called--was written when the stars were new. Mackenzie Stone, you are the High Princess of her Heaven. You were an Angel, once, Exalted; there is no earthly word for what you were, but an Angel is the closest word to it. You were the most divine of all. You were loved above all by Her in her heaven; and you still are. I know you feel that, child. I know you know you were loved so. And that you are loved--so much. Her eyes have looked down on you from her heaven and thought Beloved, for millions of years.”

“Yes,” and Kenzie was crying earnestly, her lips trembling as she spoke, shoulders shaking, eyes awash in tears. “Yes, Rosemary, I know. I can feel it.” Duncan gripped her hand tightly, aching to hold her; her fingers clutched him, like he was her only tether in a vast ocean.

“Before conceivable time, you fell in love.” Rosemary nodded to Duncan. “You fell in love with him. Listen to me, Duncan: you too were an Exalted being, an Angel, like Mackenzie. They called you the Sword of the Evening Star, as She has told me. You were a Knight--like a Knight, a Prince in the service of Their holy protection--of Her Holy Court; the fairest of all of her Knights, who are very fair indeed, fair beyond earthly eyes. There is a great Darkness in the universe--in the pantheon of universes. It aches to snuff out the light of Her Heaven, the love that dwells there. Some call it the Devil; Satan; Lucifer. He--It--has many names. But It is mostly the Darkness; the energy that must juxtapose her Light. It wishes, eternally, to destroy Her. But her Knights hold it at bay; her fighters, her warriors, her faithful. In that age, you fought for Her Light, and prevailed many times. She loves you very much. She chose you from many to lead the protection of her Sphere; the Heaven she made, long ago. It is Hidden from that Darkness, made safe through the power of her Grace. Get me some water, Duncan, honey.”

Duncan stood, feeling dizzy, going to the fridge. A Knight for a Goddess. A Warrior Prince. He couldn’t even feel incredulous--he was beyond disbelief. Whatever Rosemary is saying is true, he knew. She knows everything--and she has to tell us. My inability to understand doesn’t make any of this impossible. It just makes my ability to conceive it inadequate.

“Each time you are reincarnated--yes, Mackenzie, reincarnated--” Rosemary said, as Kenzie let out a tiny gasp. “The Darkness, in His cunning, tries to get at you. Sometimes, He has succeeded. As there is Feminine energy in the universes, there is also Masculine energy; there is an endless battle of wills, balance of energies. Their duality is not fixed, rather it shifts and changes from universe to universe, age to age. Yes, Duncan, quantum theory, as it’s called--there are many parallel universes next to this one. Infinite universes, in fact, beyond our ability to conceive. A version of you--both of you--exists in each universe. And as there are many universes, there are many lives you have lived before this one, in this universe, as well. There is another life you have glimpsed here, a life you lived in the past--”

“The Mirror,” Kenzie said, softly. Her eyes were staring into Rosemary’s face, but Duncan could see that her thoughts were fixated on the vast golden Mirror he knew was resting silently in the penthouse bedroom, many miles away, a relic to a past that had been unknown to them until this moment. Frederick knew, he thought. He may not have totally understood, but he knew it was special, that it was magical, and that it was always ours.

“Yes, chickadee, sweet honey,” Rosemary sipped her coffee again, cradling it in her graceful red-nailed hands. “That Mirror belonged to you in another life--you were royalty then, a Viscountess, a powerful witch--that is, a seer for Her--at that time too, with many of the skills you are manifesting now. And in that time you found each other as well, but there was an accident; you both were murdered in the Revolution at that time, in the streets of Paris. And so time turned to another place, another page--and your spirits moved on. But the Mirror has magick. It’s no ordinary Mirror. There are strands of the Golden Sphere in it; strands of the divine instrument given to you by the Goddess, Mackenzie, when you were in her Heaven, in her embrace. A gift that symbolized her love, and her Heaven, which will always be your home. When you were cast to earth when the Law of Time was written, the Sphere fell with you, but it was mostly destroyed when the Darkness tried to rend it. What remained--the fragments left over--were made into the Mirror by one of her seers of old; a disciple of her Light, as I am. And so it will always find you in this world, too, for it cannot be destroyed until this world ends.”

Duncan was standing beside the fridge, still holding it open, the water glass poised in his hand, frozen in her words. Kenzie gaped at Rosemary with her mouth dipped open, her golden hair falling around her cheeks. Rosemary glanced between them, then beckoned to Duncan, and said.

“But that is the Law for the two of you. To exist, always, and find each other, always, into eternity, until the Law of Time is over, when you will return to the Sphere of her Grace. No one knows when that will be, or if it will ever be. That I do not know. I only see small bits and pieces of the future, and their shape is always strange to me.”

Duncan’s hand was shaking as he brought the glass he’d filled to Rosemary--but her hand was steady, and she smiled up at him, reassuringly. I think for now I just need to listen, and try to understand, he thought. I can’t even imagine anything to say. Just please hold my hand, baby.

Kenzie reached out again as he sat, twining her fingers through his tightly. She brought another slice of bacon to her lips, eating despite her tears. Duncan moved his fork to his plate, resolved to the same. They ate quietly as Rosemary went on. What else can we do.

“You met, as was meant to happen, in the Garden of All Delights, where the known universes were all born. It’s a very beautiful place--beautiful beyond all conceivable beauty to our pitiful human eyes. It’s made of colors--oh, colors you can’t imagine.”

Those colors I saw in my dreams.

“Like this universe, Duncan, when you laid eyes on Mackenzie there, the first time, you knew she was your love for all time. There you stayed together for eons by our measure of time. The Goddess saw, and She smiled to see your perfect happiness--the selflessness of your love for Her Princess, Her Joy, Her Golden Child, and Her selfless love for you, the perfect embodiment of Her Grace. Your Names, in that perfect state--there aren’t words for them. She didn’t tell them to me, and if She had I could not speak of them. But you know them, in your secret, hidden hearts. They are beyond all human language. I know She’s shown you the forms you had then in a dream--and so you know those forms are beyond human comprehension, nearly beyond description. Please know that those are your true forms. There is more time before you adopt them again, but someday you will return to them again. In some other age.”

Yes, Duncan thought; he knew. Kenzie with her white-gold hair with a thousand flowers, each one a universe. Her eyes like golden galaxies. Her clothing made of impossible geometry. Her wings inconceivable and more delicate than those of any beast on earth. He could feel Kenzie thinking similarly of what she had seen of him in her side of the dream; his long golden hair and eyes like blue nebulas floating in ether, his shining aegis, impossibly slender and delicate, the strange wonder of his own wings.

“When the laws of the universe, of Time, were written, it was dictated that you--you, Mackenzie, and you, Duncan, would always find each other. In every conceivable universe, and every conceivable age. The Goddess, infinite in Her wisdom and mercy, could not spare you from the Great Law--the law of pain, death, and rebirth--but She could ensure that as the cycle of all things goes on, you would find each other in perpetuity. That you would never long be parted from one another. And Her law has been proven true, as it ever was, in Her Grace. I promise you, in every time, in every age, in every universe, you’ve found each other; for the places in which you haven’t yet, you will. And each time either of you dies--for you have both died countless deaths, as I have, as every living soul has--the cycle begins anew. You cannot long be separated. The Old Law of your love--the Great Love, true as dawn--is known and honored for all time.”

“You mean--Rosemary, do you really mean--we’ll always find each other, no matter what?” Duncan clutched at Kenzie’s fingers as he spoke, looking between them.

“No matter what, I promise you. You were the first Soulmates; in your love was written the Law.”

Duncan took the golden pipe from Kenzie’s hands, which were shaking like leaves in caught in a strong wind--he could see his own shaking too, but felt strangely removed from them, lost in the incomprehensibility of Rosemary’s words. He lit the bowl, breathing deeply, holding the smoke inside his lungs for a long moment--it settled into them, and he breathed out, counting. 1, 2, 3, 4...he handed the bowl, still lit, to Kenzie, who breathed from it again. Her tears seemed to dissipate, soften, her shaking fading into calm stillness.

“Rosemary, can we go outside? There’s a gazebo out there--it’s lovely. We can look at the lake. I think Kenzie needs some fresh air.” Kenzie glanced at Duncan with eyes filled with overwhelming affection as he said this. Rosemary nodded, her aspect calming, soothing, and seemingly unbothered by the weight of her words. This is truly a woman of exquisite power. “You bring that bowl, honey.” She reached for Kenzie’s hand and helped her up.

They all made their way out onto the deck and down the stone path, to where the gazebo lay in the pleasing solitude of the early afternoon. Duncan could see a flock of ducks swimming on the surface of the middle of the lake, beyond where the canoe creaked with a pleasant rhythm; there were more clouds in the sky today than yesterday, but it was still bright and warm, the breeze present again. Rosemary helped Kenzie onto one end of the long couch; Kenzie’s face was pale and her hands still seemed to be trembling. Rosemary moved to the other end, and Duncan knew innately she was leaving them space. Space to be together; to hold each other. He felt a wave of gratitude wash out from him towards the beautiful seer, this woman who had appeared as if out of thin air, by magic, in a car that had driven for an entire day, from thousands of miles away, to tell them impossible truths. He felt Rosemary’s drifting indigo-violet energy come against his, and knew she acknowledged his secret power, and his gratitude, as he acknowledged hers.

He slid next to Kenzie, his arms coming around her tightly, his nose falling against her hair to breathe her in. Roses, vetiver, geranium. Her own underlying musk, the heady scent of her and her alone. Kenzie’s head fell against his chest, her arms gripping him at the waist. Kenzie, we’ll always find each other, no matter what. I could die, I could shout into the sky, I could cry and never stop crying. My heart is full of you. My happiness in this knowledge is absolute. Kenzie seemed beyond words, but the drift of her gold against him was so staggeringly lovely, so intense, he fought to breathe. My Persephone. Flower of the universe.

“Now. There’s a lot more She told me to tell you. Listen carefully, my sweet moon children,” and Duncan heard Kenzie’s thought, like a memory, two moon children in love--

“As I told you a little bit ago--there is a great Darkness in the universe, in the pantheon of universes. As She is older than Time, so is the Darkness. He--It--has a far-reaching hand. You know that Darkness in this world; but this world, unlike others, does not have the depth of power that allows it full sway. The magic in this universe is not as vast as it is in others; here it exists in the hidden aspects. Your coming together has brought some of that magic to life here, but it is finite, and it has limits. There are other universes where your power is stronger, but the Darkness is stronger in those universes, too.”

“We’ve been having these dreams...” Kenzie said in a small voice. The air seemed to be soothing her; the breeze ruffled her hair as Duncan’s hands drifted against its softness.

Rosemary was nodding. “The Darkness had you in its grip here, Duncan, and it was attempting to tighten that grip. Your family in this world, its notoriety, its intentions--they have long been conspiring with the Darkness, long been courting its gifts. Your adopted mother, your uncle; they have done terrible things in the name of their own desires, and they wished to drag you into the shadows with them. They almost succeeded; you were almost fooled. But the Old Law prevailed, as it always does, one way or another. That Law is Love; that Law is Mackenzie; that Law is your High Destiny. The Goddess knew that your love would defeat that Darkness every time. And it always will. The Law she wrote is strong and it will hold. But the means by which it holds is never clear until you meet.”

Rosemary had brought her water glass out with them, and sipped at it for a moment, pausing. Her face turned to the lake; as she gazed at it, she smiled, but her smile had some sadness threaded into it. It was a smile that knew the bittersweet taste of life--knew the balance was impregnable.

“There are universes where your ending is not a happy one, I’m afraid. Despite finding each other, you don’t always get to be together this way. You suffer acutely in some; you die. But the death is written too--the death comes at your own hands, or you die together. It’s the Law; if you cannot be together, you must begin again, which means you first must be taken out of that time, the obstacle therefore removed. Duncan, I must tell you; there are universes where the Darkness claims you. And in some of them, in some of those lives, you cannot be saved but through death.”

Duncan felt a heavy hand settle on his heart--felt the breath drift out of his body as he gasped for air. Kenzie held him closer, and he heard the tiny sound of her sob against him. Oh baby, sweet Kenzie, please don’t cry so. Don’t cry for me that way. I love you. Here, we’re together. Please don’t cry. It breaks my heart into a thousand pieces.

“Is that what the dreams mean?” he asked, cradling Kenzie’s shivering body against his. He felt the terrible heat of her tears soaking through his shirt, her face turned into him, hidden, overcome.

“Yes. They are another life. Another universe. One where your ending is not a happy one. One where Kenzie’s love saves you; as it did here, as it ever does; but not to such happy ends, I’m afraid. It’s just one example of the window of infinite lives you have lived, lives you are living as we speak, in other places, in other universes. That life, that universe, is particularly potent. The magick there is much stronger than the magick here. It encircles that world like a dense fog; it surrounds it and seeps into everything. There you have powers beyond imagining, both of you. The power to raise the dead. The power to turn time backwards. The power to change the shape of things; things that should otherwise be immutable. Or destroy them entirely, completely--utterly.”

“Blue butterflies out of rose petals,” Kenzie whispered. “You making snow, Duncan.”

“Yes,” he whispered against her hair. You, Kenzie, blood on your mouth, turning back time.

“The power to travel to Hell, even, Descensum; to the pit of Darkness. Because there, Duncan, you are a being of Darkness. In that world, you are Michael, the Son of Darkness--in that world, the Darkness claimed you when you were born into it, and the Goddess cannot reach you. There, you are a powerful conjurer, a warlock, and Kenzie--Mallory, as you are called there--you are a powerful witch, in fact, the most powerful of all witches in that world, more powerful than the witches of any other world. A Supreme. Kenzie does not save you in life in that world, however; but through your death. So it is written.”

Duncan felt unable to speak; I think I knew that. I think I knew, when I had that dream on the beach, the dream where I was dying, and grandma told me to go to Hell. And Kenzie was there, her hair dark on her shoulders, she was that other version of herself, the Mallory self, and she held me, and I died.

“My nightmare,” Kenzie burst into a sob again, the wail in her voice making Duncan bury his face, his eyes closing, against her hair, making his heart clench until he felt as though he would suffocate in the agony of her sadness. “My nightmare. That man with your face, Duncan--that man was you in that place, that man was you, consumed, that was real, oh, no, oh no, no--”

Duncan couldn’t think, couldn’t speak; could only hold her, his heart pressed down with the depth of her sadness, determined to hold her as long as she needed him to. Even for that other me, the depth of her grace is staggering. The immensity of her love. I feel lost inside it; it’s the greatest thing I’ve ever felt. Whatever darkness is in me, no matter where I am, who I am, it’s nothing next to her light. I know that. Absolutely. I’d die a thousand times for you, Mackenzie Stone, High Princess of Heaven. A million times. I’ll die for eternity to be with you for just a moment. That, I promise you. I swear it. I will worship and love you endlessly, as I promised to, when we were Exalted--as we will be again one day. I know I will always recognize your soul.

“Sweet golden child of Her Grace,” Rosemary said, staring at Kenzie with violet, soothing warmth. “Do not despair--there is no need for it. You save him in every world. Your love is what saves him. Reach out with your heart into every hidden place. You know it’s true. There is no place your love cannot reach him. And death is not the end. In her Will, it is never really the end. And here--” Rosemary gestured out onto the lake, to the sky beyond. “Here, in this world, in this life, you’ve been infinitely blessed. In this world, you get to be together; truly together. And not only that. Not only have you found each other, basked in each other, found a haven hidden from the eyes of the world in which to feed each other in power and affection. In this world you have been given even more, for the Goddess does not take away in one world what she doesn’t bestow again in another. Here, you have worldly riches, too, is that not so?”

Yes.

“Fuck,” Duncan whispered. “That was our destiny all along, too, wasn’t it?”

Rosemary gazed at him, and her expression was omniscient in the stretch of this moment; it kindled his spirit up, thrilling his nerves, achingly beautiful against his soul. Yes. That was the plan all along. That not only would you heal each other infinitely, here; you would, together, heal this world, and that, too, would be your happiness.

Kenzie had begun to quiet against him; she turned her tear-stained face up to him, and her eyes glittered unbearably in the afternoon light: gold, russet forest, green like growing leaves.

“The High Destiny,” she whispered. Duncan brought his hand up, wiping under her eyes, pressing the dampness into his shirt, cradling her face.

“Yes, sweet golden honey.” Rosemary was grinning; her face was effervescent in its beauty. She reached for the golden pipe again from where Duncan had set it on the low table beside the lantern, raising it languidly to her chin. “Praise be to Her, in whose eyes all is made clear and wondrous, three-faced, sweet as blessed wine. Your High Destiny is to bring a long peace into this world. And when others in this world behold you together, that is what they see. Your divinity, your goodness, and their redemption.” Duncan continued to look down at Kenzie--she stared at him with a dawning happiness spreading over her face that made him clutch her cheek, dip his mouth to kiss her, uncaring that Rosemary watched--Kenzie, my Kenzie, oh my Kenzie--

Rosemary breathed in another long drag of the gold pipe. Then she continued to speak, her legs crossed with ease, her hand drifting against her many necklaces, thumb trailing at the obsidian, the raven skull.

“I know what’s coming, what’s at the door; by the time you return to the Capital City, Bill Shepherd will have been dead for a day. Yesterday, he signed his Will, at Annette Shepherd’s behest. Duncan: you are now the sole heir of Shepherd Unlimited and all its holdings. Bill Shepherd, as is his way, has over $15 billion dollars in overseas assets that he hasn’t been filing with his taxes. Those assets will be yours in a few hours’ time. With Shepherd Unlimited LLC and the tools at its disposal, it is your High Destiny, Duncan and Mackenzie, to heal this world.”

“Fuck,” Duncan whispered.

“Holy shit,” he felt Kenzie grip his shirt with her little tear-stained hands. “Duncan, oh my goddess. We knew. We felt it all along. We felt our destiny.”

“And Praise be to Her,” Rosemary said, and then she laughed; she laughed long and low, and her voice was like honey, and it seemed to fall into Duncan’s mind like a crashing, heady wine. Her laugh rang out onto the lake, stirring the ducks to flight; as they flapped up from the water, the sun dappled in their water-flecked wings, turning to patterns of gold.

-------

It was late now, the light growing low as it had the night before, gradually then all at once, and Duncan had conjured another fire in the copper pit. This one, if anything, was even brighter and more beautiful than the one before; it was almost transparent, burning wildly high and hot, kindled in the euphoria of his mood. Now that he knew the powers they had were real, not only real, but destined, he felt confident in the ability to strengthen them; felt confident in their reality. I’ve been blessed, and so I’ll use my blessings. I can see the shape of these powers now, their outline like a lingering vision after a bright burst of light. I was destined to have them, and so I’ll use them as wisely as I can.

They had all smoked so much of the weed through the rest of the afternoon he had begun to feel untethered from his body, lost in the softness of Kenzie’s touch, the sweet smell of the space under her ear and along her neck. Rosemary didn’t seem to mind, skillfully ignoring them as they kissed again and again, drifted their hands along each other lazily through the rest of the afternoon. Duncan felt split between his gratitude towards Rosemary and the intensity of his desire for Kenzie--he had been fighting off the urge to slide his hand up her bare leg under the dress for hours, and as he sat in one of the wicker chairs by the fire, watching Kenzie and Rosemary dance a few paces away on the lawn amid the fireflies, the strains of Redbone’s Witch-queen of New Orleans pumping through the outdoor speakers, he sent out drifts of his deep need towards her. She was spinning in the long rosy dress, her chin tilted up and the diamond moon flashing on her neck, his black cardigan falling off one of her shoulders--her hair was tossed by wind and sweat glinted at her temples, and all he could think of was how radiantly lovely she was; High Princess of Heaven, Goddess of the Golden Bower, Angel of the Hidden Sphere, my High Destiny, forevermore, everlong, no worship is ever enough. And now you’re going to marry me. And I know what kind of ring I’m going to give you. A moonstone. My moon, everlasting.

She’ll put a spell on you, she’ll put a spell on you

He tried to contemplate the wonder of everything that had happened in the past two days; of the past few weeks. It’s truly only been a few weeks? It felt like years, and also like no time at all, like hours. He tried to contemplate the immensity of time they’d loved each other, and the smallness of the time they’d been able to love each other in this present--felt too lost in it, had to move his thoughts away. He tried to conjure up the image of the Fates in his mind, knowing now that it was Her, aspects of Her, the spectrum of Her face. Too stoned, sorry. Just wanna fuck my baby. So fucking much. Forgive me, Goddess. He grinned to himself, into his hand. I know you do. I can feel that you forgive me.

Tho' she'll never return all the Cajuns knew, a witch-queen never dies

Kenzie and Rosemary were gripping each other’s arms now, whirling in a circle, both laughing uproariously. Kenzie tumbled to the ground, throwing her head back and laughing up into the sky, bleeding out into blue darkness. Rosemary clutched her belly and laughed up at the sky too.

“Oh Goddess, to be alive,” she crowed. Duncan looked up to her from his seat, grinning. Rosemary had told them the story that afternoon of how she had found the Goddess when she was young--had gone into a cave in the swamps of New Orleans as a young girl, finding a bower of strange golden flowers growing there, had had a vision of Her, as an old woman, wizened with the ages and also inconceivable, told her of her power to conjure and to incite light in others, kindle their dreams and hopes, their destinies. Another Thin Place, he thought, like that balcony, or our circle of oaks. They had made more of the chicken and other vegetables in the cooker, a charcuterie spread out on the deck table, and had been nibbling at it for a hours between the weed and glasses of wine--now the day was hazy and drifting away, and Duncan felt lost in the happiness of it; absolutely found in it. Rosemary tumbled herself into one of the wicker chairs across from him, her feet dipping up over one of the arms. She gazed into the fire, a serene expression in her eyes.

“Evening Star, you sure can make one hell of a fire,” she murmured, her eyes drifting closed. “It smells so sweet and feels so nice on my poor aching bones, thank you very much. The Goddess knows I put the work in since yesterday to find y’all, now she’s giving me a break, and Blessed Be.”

“Thank you, Rosemary. Thank you for everything. Thank you for coming all this way--for telling us everything. Who we are. What we’re meant to do.” Kenzie had heaved herself up from the ground and was skipping over to him, throwing herself into his lap and lifting her mouth up to kiss him as he spoke. He cradled her little body against him; her eyes glittered, her thoughts achingly sweet. To be held by you, baby, is the sweetest and most beautiful of anything. My Evening Star. My Hades who I plucked from darkness. You owe me so many kisses.

Oh I do, do I-- He dipped his mouth down onto hers again; he could feel Rosemary’s eyes on them, slitted, an adoration and pride in her aspect that he could feel as though it were visible. He knew she thought they were infinitely beautiful--the thought was a feeling of warm violet that emanated out from her; and I agree, if only because being loved and loving her so much has made me beautiful from within, he thought. I can feel the beauty in everything because of her.

“Rosemary,” and Kenzie turned her face away, looking over at the other woman’s beautiful cocoa skin, shimmering like soft copper in the firelight.

“Yes, golden honey,” Rosemary murmured, turning her face up a little, her eyes closed from tiredness, peaceful in the quiet of the crackling fire.

“What do the thin places mean?”

“Thin places?” Rosemary’s eyes opened a little, meeting her eyes.

“In the woods there’s a clearing. It’s surrounded by these huge black oak trees, and they’re all growing together, in a weird, tight circle. Inside it are so many wildflowers,” Kenzie laid her head on Duncan’s chest, under his chin, “and they’re growing in a spiral, like, I dunno, like they mean something, time or the universe, something like that. We were there yesterday, and…”

Kenzie blushed, trailing off.

“You fucked there.”

“Yeah. And it was strange--I mean, it felt like--Dunny, how would you describe it--”

“Like we were untethered from the earth for a little while,” Duncan said, his hand drifting against Kenzie’s thigh, under her breast, holding her against him, gazing into the fire. “Like we were in some kind of between place. Between this world and another one.”

“Ah, yes. I suppose the Thin Places, as you say, have many names. I call them The Veil, because they aren’t really places as much as doorways, gateways, the between of one place and another. The Goddess has tethered every universe together with threads--energy that passes from one place to another, acting as a bridge--and sometimes the threads wear thin; I suppose Thin Place is a well-suited name. As you are so close to your divinity still, these places are more obvious to you than to other people.”

“The night we met, we were on this balcony, with all these roses, and I think it was one of those places,” Kenzie was murmuring, eyes glittering on him, close to tears again. “It was thin--I could see him, Rosemary. I could see into his soul. I knew how beautiful he was inside. It was like a lamp shining out of a lighthouse. He said hi and he was looking at me like he knew me, like he hadn’t seen me in a long time and had missed me. And my heart just--stopped. I felt like he had set me on fire, wonderful fire, like this.” She looked at the fire Duncan had made--made with my mind, my senses, my will, for you. His heart twinged, reached out for her.

“The heart knows what nothing else can tell you,” Rosemary murmured, her voice growing soft again in her sleepiness. “It was only a matter of time before you found each other again.”

“Sometimes I think I see a golden thread between us,” Duncan said softly.

“The Goddess has tethered you this way. Since you are so close to her--because she loves you both so dearly--you can see the innerworkings of her magicks sometimes. They are not conceivable to human eyes. You’re feeling them. For all her works speak to the inner self, the hidden senses.”

“Rosemary,” Kenzie started again, and then Duncan heard the tears in her voice, cutting her words off. Her face turned into the crook of his arm--he felt her cheek shuddering there.

“Shh, Kenz, it’s okay, Kenzie,” he whispered into her. She nodded.

“Rosemary, thank you.”

But Rosemary didn’t reply--she was sleeping softly now, her chest rising and falling slowly, her hand dipped under her jaw. She was magnificently beautiful in the glossy sheen of the firelight, her dark skin illuminated, her sunset-colored scarf glowing, her obsidian and quartz stones shimmering, feet bare now, and grass-stained; she looks like a painting, Duncan thought, oh that Waterhouse had painted her, Rosemary Antigone Delacroix, who has given us so much joy in so little time. Thank you, Rosemary. Thank you. Now, we’ll let you sleep. I only hope I can give you something in return--and soon. You and everyone who has surrounded us, helped us, comforted us, shielded us.

“Princess Kenzie, let’s go upstairs,” he murmured into her ear. Kenzie’s eyes turned up to him, her mouth dipping open. Her hair fell down behind his arm, a sheet of gold. He felt wildly awake; acutely aware of the softness and the scent of her. He pressed his mouth against her ear. “I want you so much. Take a bath with me, angel. Please?”

“Hmmm,” she hummed, a laugh playing at her mouth. “Okay, but I wanna read stories to each other after we fuck. You have to promise we can read stories after.”

“We can read stories for as long as you want, Mrs. Shepherd.”

“What should we do, baby--about everything? We already know what’s going to happen. Rosemary told us. When we go back--”

“Shhh,” and he pressed his mouth, shivering, aching, against hers, intent to worship her, pulling her chin up insistently to reach her, his hands falling against the sweet softness of the dress over her breast. “Tonight, let’s just think about how divine we are, and how lucky we are, and how beautiful the night is, and how beautiful everything is, the stars, the lake, and you--” and she was nodding into him, climbing up to straddle him, the firelight licking its shadows against her hair, over her skin. “And you, baby,” she whispered. “My Evening Star. Goddess, I love that--”

“I’m gonna find you the most beautiful garden house on earth, Princess Kenzie,” he was whispering into her throat, his tongue licking out to the sweet saltiness of her sun-kissed sweat there, and he knew he meant it, knew he wouldn’t stop until he found it, “and together we’re gonna plant the most beautiful garden and so many flowers you can use them for a bed, and I’ll get you as many horses as you want, and I’ll read to you every night, kiss you a thousand times every day in our bed of a hundred of the softest blankets on earth, Kenzie, my golden goddess--”

“I want so many flowers for our wedding, baby,” she was murmuring against his mouth, the supple feeling of her skin driving unbearable waves of heat into his cock now. “I want a hundred dark red roses to hang over our bed between all the wildflowers, flowers in our hair, please, baby, please?”

“Fuck, baby, a thousand flowers, as many as your heart desires, I love you, anything you want, my flower of the universe, my Princess of the Garden of All Delights--fuck, baby, I wanna see it, I wanna see that garden in heaven, where we used to love each other, for eons, Rosemary said, eons--”

Kenzie was laughing against the tickle of his mouth as he groaned into her, standing and gripping her to him under her thighs, his hands finally (fuck, finally, no offense Rosemary) on her bare skin there under the long dress. Kenzie wrapped her arms around his neck and he carried her up to the deck, eagerly turning his chin up to her where her face hovered above him, needy for her kisses.

“I never wanna leave,” Kenzie whispered into him, and he shuddered, pulling her closer, so close the pattering of her heartbeat was flush against his chest, her hair falling against his cheeks. “I wanna run away into the woods with you, into our secret circle of oaks, baby, let’s just stay here and fuck in the field and in the trees and throw away our clothes and worship the Goddess under the starlight until the world ends--”

“But She has shit for us to do, angel, we gotta save the world--” and he was laughing against her as he stumbled with her near the stairs. Kenzie slipped out of his arms (how does she do that) and ran up the stairs away from him before he could grab her wrist--”we gotta save the world, Miss Stone--”

The weed was sweet inside him still, and he thought, The Fates are the Goddess and the Goddess is the Fates, and even if I have darkness in me, so does everything, so does everyone--I know I’ve chosen the light now, and that’s all that matters, I know it was my choice all along--I’ve found my sweet Kenzie, and nothing can fucking hurt me, nothing, nothing can fuck with us, baby--I can’t wait to kiss you with a thousand roses around us and the evening light and the sweet sound of music, slip your moonstone on your little finger and kiss your sweet hands with the tattoo of all my love--

He ran through the bedroom, seeing the little slip of her shoulder, the wave of her hair, the flick of the hem of her long linen dress disappearing through the bathroom door. Kenzie slammed it behind her and he heard the lock click into place. He fell against it, groaning, jiggling the handle to no avail.

“Baby, fuck, ughhh, lemme in, please.”

He could hear her giggling, hear the copper tub’s faucet turn on, its sweet low drift and the sound of her little movements, her tiny laughter kindling a needle of heat into his groin. My angel of heaven. Have mercy.

“I just realized something, Kenzie.”

She fell silent behind the door, as if pausing--for a little while he only heard the faucet running. The bedroom was bathed in low, golden light, and his eyes fell on Cupid’s flower crown in the painting, the tenderness with which he kissed Psyche’s cheek.

“I’ve loved you for thousands of years.”

There was another long pause. He pressed his head against the door, closed his eyes. I have, haven’t I. I really have, When I saw you on the balcony that night, I felt the immensity of time. I knew that it had always been you.

The door opened suddenly and he stumbled through it; Kenzie was throwing her arms around him, making him stumble further, against her this time (oh thank Goddess), and then she was pressing him harshly into the bathroom wall, her hands insistent, demanding. He was leaning down to her, trying to wrap his arms around her, but she pressed them down, her hand drifting to his jaw, clenching there.

“You’d do anything for me, wouldn’t you.”

“Yes.”

“You’d die for me.”

“Fuck, yes.”

“Would you assassinate someone for me?” She laughed at this, her words hovering between facetiousness and seriousness, and her smile melted at his heart, made him desperate for her.

“If I had to, yes.” Duncan’s answer was serious, and they both knew it; he stared at her, his eyes unwavering, and saw her lips fall from the smile, saw that she could see the ache of him, insatiable, unending, for her.

“Look at the bruises you left on me.”

Kenzie lifted the linen dress up over her head, edging out of his reach as he tried to grip her. He realized she was naked underneath it and heard the tiny reverberation of his moan, following after her. She turned, flipping her hair over her shoulder, and Duncan groaned to see the dark bruises he’d left on her asscheeks, the product of his own hands. He kneeled, aching regret pressing on him, and cupped her at the top of her thighs, drifting his mouth down to the bruises, whispering against her.

“I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry, I love you so much--”

“I love them,” she whispered. “I love the marks you leave on me. I asked for them and I love them and I want more. I don’t care how long we’ve been together in the past, it still only feels like it’s been a few weeks now and I want more. The marks from your hands and your lips, your attention, your love--I want more, more, more--” Kenzie was leaning back into his hands now, against the wet, open dip of his mouth, her hair brushing along his head. She turned and his face hovered right over her cunt--Duncan dragged her against him, opening his lips further, cupping them into the lips of her sex, turning her hips under his hands and pressing her into the wall. Kenzie’s arms drifted above her, up the wall’s incline, hands reaching heavenward, her back arching, leaning into him; Duncan pulled her thigh up so her knee rested against his shoulder, and held his tongue to her shivering clit, eliciting a long, drifting moan from her mouth turned upward.

The scent of her was rich with summery sweat and the salty gathering of her arousal, and it made Duncan feel as though he were drifting out into some ether, unchained from the earth, as if they were back in the black oak circle, between worlds.

“Baby,” she was humming, “how are we gonna know what to do? To change the world? What are we supposed to do with the company? Like--how--unnnh--” her words bled out as he drifted his tongue back and forth between her clit and the opening of her cunt, urgent and concentrated. No more worrying tonight, Kenzie, just be here with me, let me worship you…

“Mmhmm, baby, uhhuh,” she whined, and he knew she’d heard him, felt the bluish drift of his comforting thought. I’ve missed tasting your sweetness here, angel, I wanna build an altar to your sweet cunt alone, its secret places, curves, hidden clefts, the rich singularity of its scent. I’m gonna eat you out every fucking day for the rest of our lives. He pulled his tongue back, pressing his lips around her clit, sucking carefully, strongly, looking up with languid patience to the shadow over her face as her head fell down, her hands drifting from where they had stretched along the wall to his cheeks, his forehead, the curves of his eyelids, through the sides of his hair, and Duncan had to close them now, for fear he would die inside her eyes--that his heart would simply stop with the glorious weight of her (you Kenzie you my universe and I turn around you, I am your moon spinning around your earth, and when we end we begin again, when we die, we are reborn to each other--).

“Fuck, Duncan,” and Kenzie was biting into her lip, eyes falling closed, her body smooth and hot and terribly soft under his long hands, the wetness at his mouth an insistent undoing, the telltale trembling beginning in her thighs, “I think I’m gonna come already, sorry, baby, I can’t, god, that feels so fucking good, you’re too beautiful, annhh--” and he was shaking his head, rebounding his tongue against her, hands clutching at the bruises along her ass, fingers digging against them so she gasped in the half-patina of pleasure and pain--come for me, come as soon as you want to, as much as you want, as constant, for I will worship you always and my devotion will not end, Mackenzie Stone, High Princess of Heaven, yours is the one true beauty, the gold that you hold in the center of your soul--then, with a pilling satisfaction that urged heat into his groin, he heard the high, lilting sound of her voice crying up in her ecstasy (“Dunny, fu-u-uck-k, my Pri-ince, Evening Star, my fucking baby, unnnnh--”), the sound of the water filling the copper tub crashing against her and drowning out her drawn whimpers, and he thought of Sirens, singing on rocks in the sea, mesmerizing to sailors, causing them to plunge to the depths with desire. My Kenzie, sing to me. Sing your pleasure out for my ears alone.

She quieted, her breath heaving, her legs shaking against him, her cunt twinging--he pressed another long, adoring lick between the lips, shivering with wetness from his mouth and her deep orgasm, then he stood, her hands drifting from his hair to his shoulders to his stomach, his height enveloping her, as it ever was. He brought his arms down around her and Kenzie began to work at his shirt, pushing his pants and briefs to the floor, his mouth, damp with her sex, tasting at hers with lazy need. He lowered his arms, reluctantly, letting his shirt drop to the floor, then swung them down around her shoulders and the back of her thighs, lifting her into his arms. Duncan carried her to the copper tub, the steaming water within almost having reached the rim--he lowered her into it and Kenzie sighed deeply, her eyes fluttering closed in an expression of deep, contented loveliness.

Duncan lifted away from her, turning off the faucet, balancing on the edge of it for a moment, naked; Kenzie’s hair had immediately begun to drift around her, and he thought again of Sirens in the sea, calling out to Odysseus.

“You look like a mermaid, Kenz,” he said, smiling down at her. She grinned, dipping her face under the water, blowing bubbles up to the surface, eyeing him coyly.

“Come, come to me, come to the sea and be drowned, wah-haha,” she laughed.

“By you, gladly.” Duncan stepped over the rim and settled down into the serenely hot water. The tub was quite large--larger than the claw-footed one in the penthouse, large enough that he could stretch his legs out entirely and crook them around her, drawing her into him, his cock, hardening, straining, brushing against the inside of her leg and stomach. She shivered and he moved his mouth down to her cheek, her jaw, pressing tiny kisses there.

“Remember when you put all those roses in the bathtub, baby,” Kenzie was whispering, lifting herself up to him, her nose nuzzling against his. The water felt almost unbearably warm now with her against him this way, and Duncan wanted to cry out against her hair, on her bare, flushed, damp skin. I fucking love you, my love is ever-hungry, ever-urgent, as if it wants to tear me into pieces so I can feed myself to you.

“How could I ever forget that,” he whispered. “You were so fucking beautiful that night. That dress, the half-moon around your neck. I think that’s the first time I knew--really knew--that you were divine.”

“I’m gonna ride you again like that now,” she murmured against his chin, her eyes glowing, and her little slender hand was grasping his cock, now terribly hard in her fingers, easing up and down its thickness with her hips under his fingers, her little tongue dipping out along his lower lip--Kenzie eased herself down onto him, a shuddering, high gasp falling out of her mouth into his, and he cried against her, the pitiful need in his voice ringing in his ears. She moved, slowly at first, then more pressingly, her hands coming up to dampen his hair with water that fell through it in a glistening trail.

“It feels like we woke up from another dream today,” she was whimpering into him, and Duncan was kissing her neck, his mouth tingling with her, lost in the tightness, the clenching, devouring space of her cunt around him, the water’s steam rising around them in droves. “Now we know, baby.”

“That you saved me--” he whined into the dip of her throat now, his voice shuddering as his orgasm inched closer, through his thighs and his groin. “You saved me, angel, you saved my soul from darkness here--that you save me, over and over--you are my miracle, fuck, Kenzie--”

“I am, aren’t I--” she laughed against him, then her laugh bled into a moan as she ground down onto him in the glorious heat of the water, her little hands drifting along his neck, through his curls, her head falling back, and his mouth was around her nipple, sucking with deep hunger, his heart already breaking for the moment he’d have to stop--then he felt himself, eyes blurring with heat and tears, his voice crying wordlessly to heaven (thank you Fates, who are Her), coming harshly up into the golden space of her, the depth of her, the absence of void--she was fullness, truth, reality, the essence of life, she was the beginning and end of all, the solace of his existence. My angel, my miracle, my savior, my Kenzie, for all time.

And for awhile after, they held each other in the blessed quiet and the wonderful heat of the water and the soothing feeling of one another, and he kissed the tiny tears from her eyes, and everything in all of that stretch of moments, small, brief, and somehow also infinite, was sublime.

-------

Kenzie was laying with her face towards the ceiling in the center of the golden bed, the delicate, hanging golden lamp there bowing down on her, kissing at the waves of her chestnut hair. She wore the little silken pink pyjamas and the silk black kimono, gifts from me, I want to shower you with gifts for the rest of our lives, my delight, my sweet love, and one of the downy pillows was propped under her head as she held D’aulaire’s Book of Greek Myths up to her face with her little hands. The other books were in a pile beside her on the silky spread; the ghost story books, Jane Eyre, The Golden Compass and the stargazing book from Duncan’s penthouse library. Duncan was propped up with a pillow on the headboard, facing her, wearing just a pair of black briefs, one of her tiny feet in his large hand; he rubbed it carefully, tenderly, fingers drifting back and forth along its graceful curve, over the rise of her little bones, eyes on her face as she read. The curtain was floating against the wall, and Duncan could smell the fire from the pit downstairs rising up. He wondered if he should go wake Rosemary so she could sleep in one of the guest rooms, but was loathe to move away from the bed, out of Kenzie’s warm sphere. In a little while, he thought. The night is warm and beautiful, besides, as beautiful as last night. It’s like we’re in our own little world here.

“I just love this picture so much,” Kenzie whispered, turning the book to him. The picture was the one of Persephone and Demeter rushing into each other’s arms in a golden field of flowers. “It really makes me think of me and Momby. She’s going to be so happy when we tell her. I keep imagining her face when you call her Momby,” and Kenzie’s grin clenched at his heart.

She turned the book back to herself, resting its edge on her belly, flipping through the pages. Duncan could hear the peepers out on the lake, the drift of the water obscured by them, the low crackle of the fire pit below. Kenzie stopped on a certain page, gazing at it intently, her little mouth pouting, eyes concentrated.

“What’s that page, baby,” Duncan murmured, switching to her other foot, kneading at her toes.

“Selene and Endymion,” she murmured.

“Read it to me?” he asked. I love your voice in the soft night. Singing, speaking, breathing sighs, the gasp of you when you come, the little crying sounds in your sleep.

Kenzie smiled, eyes whirling dark green at him, cleared her throat a little, and read in a clear, measured voice. Journalism major, he thought, brimming with happiness so full it was like a golden cup running over through his body.

“Selene, the moon, came out at night to light up the sky while her brother, Helios, was resting. Slowly she drove her milk-white horses across the sky, and her pale moonbeams fell gently on the sleeping earth where all was peace and quiet.”

Duncan tried to imagine what it must have been like to meet Kenzie for the first time--not on the balcony, he thought, but in that other place, the real first time, after I saw her on her throne, like that dream we had, the throne where she held the sceptre--the Hidden Sphere, the one Rosemary talked about. We met in the Garden, Rosemary said, the Garden of All Delights. Kenzie’s hair, white and shimmering, was full of galaxy-flowers. Her eyes were a golden universe. And her wings were like the vastness of heaven in an unbroken sunset.

“One night Selene’s soft light fell on Endymion, a young shepherd, who was sleeping beside his flock. She stopped to look at him. He was smiling in his sleep and was so young and handsome that she completely lost her heart to him,” and here Kenzie glanced up at Duncan, her face cast in a soft corona of light, her eyes held in the aureate bow of her lashes, and he felt her thought--that’s how I felt when I saw your smile, baby. “She drove through the night, but she could not get him out of her mind.”

Duncan was sliding down over the coverlet to her, his hands drifting up her thighs. Oh you did, did you. She smiled at him nervously, then her eyes fell back to the page and she read again.

“When her duties were over, she went to Zeus and asked him to grant Endymion eternal sleep so he would stay forever young and handsome...Zeus granted Selene’s wish and Endymion slept on and on, smiling in his sleep. He dreamed that he held the moon in his arms. But it was not a dream after all…”

Duncan was pulling her up to him, into his mouth, easily lifting her small weight against him, and the book fell from her fingers to the soft spread and her hair fell back, her eyes fluttering closed against him, the silken feeling of her all too much, and Duncan thought of her as the moon shining against him; as the goddess she once was, of what had felt like a dream, had seemed to be one in the nimbus of sleep, but hadn’t been, her, so wondrously, soul-shakingly real now, in his arms--

No, no. Not a dream after all.

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laughingupfromhell · 6 years

Text

My Gillette Experience + Pre-Show M&G. 7.28.18 -- Extended Edition

I’m sorry this has taken so long to post, but it’s literally so hard to get my thoughts together because I’m still so overwhelmed by the fact that this even HAPPENED to me. I’d convinced myself it wasn’t in the cards, that Taylor didn’t know me, and that I needed to find a way to be okay with never meeting her. But then, IT HAPPENED. (I’m going to write the whole story from the time I got the DM and it’s going to be really long, so if you just want to read the Taylor part, I’ll write it in bold so you can skip to it easily. Just keep scrolling. I’m just posting the long version so I can look back on it whenever I want and never forget anything. I’ll post just the Taylor part individually too in case you don’t want to hunt for it.)

Friday, July 27th, I had the worst day at work. I work in a cafe, and the AC was out in the kitchen which made the entire place SO hot. Literally, it was 92 degrees in the building and we had the ovens on. I live in Florida, so it was disgusting and I felt so sick. We were shorthanded, I was stressed out about my flight, dealing with some pretty intense anxiety about meeting people I had never met before because I’m shy af, and just overall feeling kind of bleh despite being so excited for the concert the next day. I found out as I was on the way to the airport that my flight had been delayed nearly three hours and that set me into panic mode, because it would put me in Boston around 2 in the morning instead of 10pm. Eventually it got pushed back to only an hour delay, which made me feel a little better, and I passed the time in the airport just walking around the shops and scrolling tumblr. Jaime @cages-boxes-hunters-foxes texted me to tell me that one of my best friends Meredith @meredithswift had just met Taylor and I was SO excited for her because I’ve known how much she wanted this since we started talking in 2008. Jaime was like “you next!” and I was like “noooo, it’s not going to happen for me.” Taylor was intent on making me look like boo boo the fool.

Right before I boarded the plane, around 8pm, I took a selfie at the gate because I was bored and tagged Taylor in it on tumblr and said “I’m coming for you, Taylor!” I didn’t even know she was online, and she never liked the post, so I didn’t think anything of it after that.

I boarded the plane, but there was a RIDICULOUS thunderstorm going on so we sat on the tarmac for nearly two hours, and I had been DMing back and forth with Jeannine @it-feels-like-a-perfect-night all day, so when I saw a notification on tumblr, I thought it was her...until I opened it and it said taylornation. All of my internal organs came flooding out of my ass in that moment and landed on the plane floor beneath me, not clickbait. I literally didn’t believe it was real for a whole hot ass minute because things like this do not happen to me and I was LITERALLY sitting on a plane about to go to Boston so WHAT WAS HAPPENING??? I open it, and they asked for all my information, and when the best time to call was. I was like????!!!? I’m LITERALLY SITTING ON A PLANE LESS THAN 24 HOURS BEFORE MY SHOW AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHEN THE BEST TIME CALL IS???? YESTERDAY???? I ALREADY HAVE MY BAG CHECKED, I DON’T HAVE TIME TO BUY ANOTHER OUTFIT, I LOOK LIKE A RAT!!!! So obviously I said “I don’t land until midnight but anytime after that, thank you so much!”

At this point I’m in such shock I literally have no reaction other than to stare unblinking at the seat in front of me and go into full body tremors. I’m pretty sure the girl next to be me on this flight thought I was scared of flying or something, because I was literally shaking so hard I could hear my teeth chattering together. My heart rate shot through the goddamn roof. If you don’t believe me, here is a helpful graph from my Fitbit. I hit 117 BPM from 58 BPM. I’m pretty sure that is indicative of an actual heart attack.

I didn’t know what to do, so I immediately texted my mom and I KNOW it says the message is confidential and you’re not supposed to tell anyone but I needed my mother to know that if her only child died mid-flight, it was taylor nation’s fault and to tell Taylor I loved her. It was VITAL. The southern jumped out -- I literally haven’t called her mama since I was 10, I don’t even know.

I also told my friend Lindsey @lskbe because I once promised her she’d be one of the first to know if it was ever going to happen and she was a GEM even though she DIDN’T ANSWER ME RIGHT AWAY BUT ANYWAY!!!! (screenshot provided by her). She made me a playlist titled 7.28.18 on spotify and everything for the occasion because she is extra and I love her.

I spent the next 2 1/2 hours literally trying not to pee myself with anxiety and excitement because then of course I start thinking WHAT IF THEY FORGET TO CALL? What if it’s just merch? What if I’m boo boo the fool? What if this isn’t real life? Then we hit turbulence and my thoughts turn darker like WHAT IF THE PLANE CRASHES AND I DIE BEFORE I MEET HER? I literally had to make Jaime reassure me multiple times that turbulence wouldn’t make the plane crash and that I would survive. We love her logical brain. So obviously now that I’ve stopped panicking it’s time to take selfies to post later.

I finally make it to Boston and at this point I think I’ve dissociated because I just can’t even think about it anymore. My brain was on overdrive and I didn’t even know how to process. It was either shut it down or shout it from a rooftop and I COULDN’T TAKE THAT RISK.

I got to meet my sweet honeys @straightlinedownx and @heypay FINALLY and it’s up there in my top ten best moments of life. They’d just gotten home from Night 2 so they were pretty spent and it was 1:30 in the morning, so we all headed to bed, but if you thought I was sleeping, you’re WRONG because I was literally peeing every half hour because I was so nervous and excited. I was like a chihuahua I swear to god. I was talking to Brittany @messthatuwanted for most of the night trying not to be suspicious and I guess I did a pretty good job because she NEVER FOUND OUT until I wanted her to. Which is what her snake ass deserves tbh. I literally didn’t get to sleep until 4:30 in the morning and then I woke up at 6:45 am and was like...well they said they’d call me in the morning, and technically it is morning, so I should stay up. Clearly logical. Obviously. We love anxiety. I couldn’t turn the ringer on for my phone because I was sharing a room with people and I didn’t want to wake anyone up so going back to sleep was a risk I wasn’t willing to take.

I spent most of the morning internally exploding, and I eventually told @heypay because I needed someone to tell me I was being crazy and that they would call and she did a very good job at this, so thank you Paige, you’re the love of my life. We were all laying around, relaxing, watching Lejla and Liana’s pet rabbit eat a salad, you know...typical things friends do, when I got a call from a NYC number and shit my pants. I got up from the floor so fast and ZOOMED to the kitchen and Paige followed after me and practically shoved me out of the apartment door so I could have some privacy lol. It was Sydney from Taylor Nation and she was a sweetie and asked how my flight was and and rambled on about delayed flights and I was like....I literally do not care, I’m so sorry, please tell me what I NEED TO KNOW WOMAN I AM DYING!!!! Eventually she cuts to the chase and is like “have you ever had an opportunity before?” And I was like um...hehe..it depends on what you mean by an opportunity because I REALLY JUST WANTED HER TO SAY THE WORDS and she was like “have you ever met taylor before?” and I was like NO!!! I HAVEN’T!!!! At this point I’m shaking so hard I had to lean against the wall for fear of falling down the stairs because THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING, HUH? Then she asks if I’m going to the show with anyone who hasn’t had an opportunity before and I said YES, my precious baby Emily @straightlinedownx. So she asks for Emily’s information and thank god I had checked her facebook to find out her birthday before just in case they asked (since they asked for mine) because IT WAS A STRESSFUL TIME. So she tells me I’ll get a DM within the hour letting us know when we’re verified and where we should pick up our envelope between 4 and 5 pm and I’m just saying thank you over and over and over again because WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO LIKE WTF IS EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

So in my head I had this beautiful thing planned for how I would tell Emily she’s meeting Taylor, but it turns out beautiful plans can’t happen when your brain is literally exploding, so instead of doing this elaborate thing where I filmed her reaction and everything, I just went over to where she was lying on the ground and kicked her. As friends do. She turns around and I’m like “Come. Here.” I was probably terrifying, I’m so sorry Emily, but I didn’t KNOW WHAT TO DO. So she follows me out to the kitchen and WHAT DO YOU SAY OTHER THAN WHAT IS HAPPENING???? SO I JUST SPIT IT OUT AND SAID “We’re meeting Taylor” and she deadass goes “No we’re not.” Just so casual. And I’m like “We are. We’re meeting Taylor tonight. I got a DM on the plane and they just called me. I’m bringing you. We’re meeting Taylor.” AND THIS DUMB BICTH GOES “ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO BRING ME????” AND I’M LIKE “BICTH YES????? OF COURSE I DO???” And then she just kept doing this the rest of the day and it was my favorite thing. Here she is in Starbucks ten minutes after finding out.

So we spent the rest of the day obsessing over make up and hair and we headed to the stadium around 2 PM because we wanted to make sure we had plenty of time to meet up with people and buy merch etc. Here’s us waiting for our ride (photo credit to angel @iknowplacesclean and a big thank you for letting me stay at your apartment spur of the moment!!!)

We met up with Steph ( @thesethingswillchange), Leyton, Jess ( @jtmaster13) , and Sammi (@slytherinraven13) and I got to tell them all what was happening and they were SO happy for us because they’re literal angels on earth.

Once we made it to will call and gave them our names, THEY DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT so I started to panic, naturally, but it was chill because they found it eventually and we immediately started taking pictures with the paper. Some nice lady offered to take one for us, bless her, because the struggle was so real.

By this point I had told all of my friends but Jaime @cages-boxes-hunters-foxes and Brittany @messthatuwanted because I was planning on snaking them the way they snaked me when they met Taylor, and it brought me the greatest joy in life since they both thought I was incapable of it. Little did I know that Jaime was on her way to SURPRISE ME AT THE SHOW which was a MESS since I was in REP ROOM WHEN SHE WAS LOOKING FOR ME! But more on that later. So we met @ninetay89 at will call and we were all so excited for each other because honestly it’s what we all deserved and we just kind of hung out, waiting in line for the gates to open and that’s when Meredith @meredithswift came RUNNING towards me full force. Meredith and I met when we were 13 and 15. We were each others first online friends, and we became full blown stans together. She was the one that convinced me to make a taylor tumblr blog in the first place way back in 2010. We’d never, ever met before that moment and it was honestly one of the highlights of my entire life. I love her with my whole entire heart and it was one of the best hugs I’ve ever gotten. We didn’t let each other go for like 3 minutes. It was great.

The gates finally open and me and Emily ZOOM up to the 100 level bathrooms to fix our make up because the humidity was KILLER and we were legitimately melting. Then we had to run back down the stairs to meet at the bottom of 129/30 and met up with @sunflowershealing and she was SO sweet! I’m so glad we got to meet!

So a security guard comes up to us and tells us we’re actually supposed to meet at the TOP of 129, which isn’t what the paper said but it’s FINE, so we go up MORE stairs and it’s honestly beginning to feel like gym class now but it’s fine because I will do hours of cardio for Taylor Swift if need be. So we go up only to be told to go back down the stairs AGAIN because what is organization and they give us our wrist bands and we’re GOING TO REP ROOM BITCHES.

Let me just say that I was chill literally the entire day. I was excited, yeah, but I wasn’t nervous or anything. Even when we got to Rep Room, I was totally fine. But when I saw the Rep Room doorway, I was jumping up and down like a five year old because how was this REAL LIFE? I never in a million years thought when Taylor shared the fact about Rep Room and showed us the inside that I would ever see it in PERSON. And here I was, walking through the arch??? SOUNDS FAKE. So we get in there, and there are three polaroid cameras sitting on a table next to the throne, but I wasn’t sure if we were allowed to touch them since I’ve heard that a lot of pre-show meet and greets weren’t allowed to do much in rep room. So Emily and I just kind of hang out next to them and hope for the go ahead, which Steph from Taylor Nation eventually gives us and then she has to help our dumb asses put film in them because we’re USELESS. But it’s fine. We take pictures on the throne first, and they came out so iconic honestly I will never take a better picture.

Obviously I had to take a picture with the iconic rainbow dress.

My one singular complaint about the polaroid idea is that rep room is SO dark and it doesn’t really work well with the film.

There was water, coke, diet coke, and sprite available to us, but not the booze or the cookies that were in previous rep rooms. Probably because it’s pre-show or because there wasn’t media that night, I’m not sure. Anyway, we’re able to mingle for about 8-10 minutes maybe? Maybe shorter than that, but Steph tells us to put the cameras up and line up. We were third from last to go in of about 5-6 groups. I’d say there were about 10-12 people in there. I’m pretty short, so I couldn’t see Taylor when they opened the curtain to let the first group in, but I heard someone say “She’s wearing the purple Olivia shirt” and I was like...I literally hate her. Everyone keeps talking and I just wanted them all to shut UP so I could HEAR HER SPEAKING. Eventually, we’re a few groups from going in and I hear her laugh and that’s when it really started getting real. This was really happening. I was about to meet Taylor. Surprisingly, I managed to STILL hold it together. Right before we went in, “Type” by Todrick Hall comes on and I was screaming because I KNEW that would be her favorite song on Forbidden.

So they open the curtain and she’s standing RIGHT there and she opens her arms so wide and goes “oh my god hiiiiii” and without hesitation I just go right into her arms and wrap her up so tight and said “Hi, I’m Megan!” and she starts laughing and goes “I know! I picked you last night, I see your posts all the time, I saw your selfie like I’m coming for you...and I was like I’m coming for you, I sent your post to TN and was like I need her, bring me her.” Literally I wish I could describe in detail the noise that came out of my mouth when she said I know, because it definitely wasn’t human. I was like “YOU KNOWWWWW???” But i literally growled it like some kind of rabid animal, I’m SO sorry, Taylor. That was the first time I lost my chill, which surprisingly only happened twice.

As soon as she drops that bomb on me she turns to Emily to hug her which is what she DESERVES but I was so shook by what she said that I was leaning in for another hug but her back is to me now so I kind of halfway climbed her back I HATE MYSELF. Like my hand was gripping her shoulder and my other hand was pressed against her back and I had to physically talk myself off the ledge like BE COOL BITCH, BACK UP, DON’T BE WEIRD! So I just subtly slide my hands off of her and step back...only to embarrass myself further by stepping closer to Emily, aggressively rubbing her back and shouting “THIS IS EMILY! WE LOVE HER!!!!” Honestly what the fuck is wrong with me? She goes “Thank you guys so much for coming!” And I literally PANTED out “THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR INVITING ME!” Literally I was malfunctioning. I needed to be rebooted.

She turns back to both of us and shimmies her shoulders because she clearly wants me dead and goes “Sooooooooo....” and without hesitation I go “We need to talk about ‘Look What You Made Me Do’” and she’s like “okay, what do we need to talk about?” And then...I did it ladies. I literally told her I didn’t get the joke when it first came out, it flew right over my head and I thought she was being serious about the old taylor being dead and I was so worried about her that I threw up in a parking lot. She goes “Oh my god WHAT? That makes me so sad!” But she was laughing so hard, she threw her head back and covered her mouth, and for a split second I’m like DID I HURT HER FEELINGS??? DOES SHE THINK I HATE THE SONG??? So I was like “NO NO BUT I LOVED IT!” and she goes “You threw up!” And I’m like “BECAUSE I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU! I WAS LIKE IS SHE OKAY????” And she literally can’t stop laughing, she’s doing that stupid dolphin laugh she does and I literally wanted to smoosh her face between my hands because I adore her so much and she is so fucking cute and GOD I WANT TO DIE. So she goes “I was literally climbing out of a grave dressed as a zombie, you didn’t get how that was supposed to be funny???” And I was like “NO, I understood it was a joke when the video came out but for a whole week before I didn’t get the joke!” And she goes “Ohhhh, when the single dropped and you listened you were like WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER???” And she just kept laughing like honestly what the fuck is my life? I made Taylor Swift LAUGH? ME??? (Emily said everyone in the room was laughing, like the security at the door and everything I literally want to jump off a cliff.) So I was like “YES EXACTLY! I was like is she okay? I’m so worried about her, I need to know that she’s okay!” And she like...touched my arm and goes “But you’re okay now, right?” and made the most INTENSE eye contact like...if there is one thing I will say about meeting her, it’s that she keeps eye contact with you the WHOLE time and you know she’s hearing everything you say, she’s paying attention to every word and you KNOW she cares. And I’m like “yeah! I get the joke now, I get it, I swear!” And EMILY GOES “I don’t think she’s okay...” like honestly... drag me.

So I attempt to change the subject and the bitch CUTS ME OFF and leans in to me, looks down at me with this smirk on her face and goes “....do you need me to explain the joke to you?” like she was TEASING me, but I was being DRAGGED. I was like “NO, I get it now! I get it!” BUT SHE EXPLAINED IT ANYWAY. She explained that the whole concept of the line came from how people were saying Taylor Swift is over, she’s dead, and she was making fun of the whole cancellation culture that social media and media in general has, so she decided to just be like “Ohhhh, cause she’s deaaaaaad” (and she said it in the funniest, whiniest mocking voice I literally can’t stand her) to show them all how stupid they sounded when they said things like that. To paraphrase because I don’t remember exact wording, she said that’s really just the whole tone of the album, reputation, itself. That there are a lot of things that go into building a reputation, but that a reputation isn’t real, it’s a perception that can be formed by any number of things, true and false, but isn’t always based on what is actually happening. It’s fake, just like the old taylor being dead is fake, it’s a joke. I think the entire time she was saying this I kept repeating “No I get it, I get it” because I wanted to be sure she knew that I got it, but I think she really just wanted to explain it in general and I’m so glad she did, because I loved the insight. And then she goes “BUT IT’S SO FUNNY NOW because they’re like ‘What is she doing with the snakes? Why is she doing that? She’s so annoying!’ And I’m just like BECAUSE YOU TWEETED IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN EVERY SINGLE DAY! YOU’RE JUST MAD BECAUSE IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME ANYMORE!” And I shit you not, she was literally screaming this in my face, and acting like she was scrolling through her phone and laughing like...I was scared lmao. I just kept saying “I’m so proud of you, you just took it back, it’s what you deserve!” God, she’s so pretty when she laughs I can’t stop picturing it and hearing it and I don’t know where I could possibly go from here, I’ve peaked.

She turned to Emily then, and I’m not going to share what happened there because it’s Emily’s story to tell, but I’m literally so happy that she gave her the love she deserves. The moment they shared touched me so much.

When she looked like she was stepping into position for a photo, I suddenly flashed back to everything my friends who had met her already told me -- that if you stop talking, the M&G will end, but if you keep talking, so will she, so I sort of side stepped and started talking to her about how I’ve dealt with some pretty toxic relationships in the past couple years, and how it breaks my heart to think she’s ever felt the same way as I have in those moments of vulnerability and hurt, but that I was so thankful for songs like Dear John and Better Man because it made me feel less alone. And she goes “it’s always nice to know that you’re not alone in feeling the way you do, I totally get it. But that’s why we’re all here, isn’t it? That’s why we come to a stadium and we sing and dance and cry (we said cry at the same time, what kind of shared brain bullshit?) with each other, because we understand each other. We have that connection.”

From there it got a little personal for me, and I want to keep that for myself, but she gave me the biggest, tightest hug and said some of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me and I’ve never felt more loved in my entire life than I did in those few minutes in a room with her. She said “I love you sooo much” and I said I loved her too, and then she asked what we wanted to do for a picture and Emily goes “I wanna do a smoosh...” because she’s the cutest person that has ever BREATHED and Taylor looked so confused so we both said at the same time (at the suggestion of Paige) “Can we do a Taylor face sandwich?” and she got so excited and was like “YEAH, I’ll smoosh your faces to mine!” So we got in position for that I knew I grabbed onto her, but I didn’t actually know what part of her I grabbed, I think I was reaching for her hand forgetting that her hand was on my face LOL.

Anyway, we got our picture, she told us she loves us and hopes we have fun at the show and that she was so happy we were there and Emily manages AT THE LAST SECOND to go “CAN YOU PLAY COME BACK BE HERE.....please” and I’m like “Yeah, like....tonight.” And I felt so bad because I know I sounded so forceful and I DIDN’T MEAN TO. And she goes “Well, I can’t tonight because I promised someone else I’d play a different song, but I promise I will play it at a show soon, I know how much you guys want that one, I promise.” And we thanked her and told her we loved her and took our autograph and our dignity and got the hell out.

I remember I was shaking when I came out of rep room, but I wasn’t freaking out really. I was still pretty chill. Chiller than I expected to be. We got about halfway back to her seats and I screamed “WHAT DID SHE SAY???” because for about five minutes, I blacked out completely. It was such a whirlwind of emotion that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to feel again. When we got back to our seats, the sweet angel that is Steph came over to me and asked how it went and I managed to get out “I said Hi, I’m Megan and...and....and...” and then I completely LOST MY SHIT and started SOBBING in Steph’s arms. I literally could not process that she KNEW WHO I WAS! I’M A LITERAL GARBAGE CAN! WHY DID SHE KNOW ME??? WHY DID SHE LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT? WHY DID SHE LAUGH SO MUCH? I COULDN’T PROCESS!

Steph: Meg, Taylor wanted to meet you, how do you feel?

The sobbing didn’t last long and I recovered just in time to meet my sweet baby Lauren @iknowplaces13 which I was SO EXCITED FOR! She was so happy for me and such an angel BUT THIS WASNT THE END OF THE ANGELS because JAIME APPEARS OUT OF THIN AIR TO SURPRISE ME (even though Dani @screamedsooloud ruined the surprise by accident but it’s FINE) and at this point, I still haven’t told Jaime that I met Taylor and I’m squirming trying to get out of the vice like hug she’s giving me so i can pull up my sleeve and show her my wristband LOL. Eventually she lets me BREATHE and I yank my sleeve up and go “SURPRISE, Snake!” and she literally is the blinking man gif, just no actually expression, raises her eyebrows, looks down at it and back at me and just goes “....when?” and then LAUNCHES herself at me because she is the sweetest, purest bean on the planet and was so genuinely happy for me. She’s listened to me cry about how I was sure this would never happen for so long and she kept telling me she was sure it would happen in Tampa and it was SO fun to outsnake her for once. I started telling her the story and every time I’d tell her something new, she’d tackle me again, it was so PURE. I love her with my entire heart. Here’s a picture after I’ve cried all my eyeliner off.

And then I snaked Brittany @messthatuwanted for snaking me because it’s what she deserved:

The show was obviously amazing and we had great seats near the B stage and were able to make it to barricade, which was such a highlight to an already amazing night. I danced so much and sang at the top of my lungs and had a full on breakdown during long live that Emily the angel had to hold me through because I literally could not cope. Just full on sobbing for half the song. I had so much fun with Emily, Steph, Jess, Sammi, Leyton, Lejla, Sarah, Paige, and everyone else I spent time with this weekend. I’m forever grateful to Taylor for bringing so many amazing people into my life, I don’t deserve any of you and I can’t wait to reunite with 99 percent of the people I met at Gillette in Nashville.

I quite literally had the time of my life with you, @taylorswift. Thank you so much for loving me like I love you, thank you for loving my friends and for bringing them into my life. I’ll never forget you as long as I live.

#7.28 #rep room #rep room story

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shytiff · 3 years

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Small Dec Wins

i cant believe its December already tf?!?!?!

1 - poli KIA today. saw a mother who cant feel the movement of their baby. the senior midwife tried to find the baby’s heart beat but not finding it. she said she hopes she were wrong. fell asleep at 3pm-ish, woke up super hungry. ate. i swear i feel like my weight when i measured it this morning was ~52, but after eating its close to 54 lol. eating banana and chocolate nextar is yummm. dalbang today is hella funny as always and suuper endearing. fell asleep after dalbang, didnt study hufttt

2 - today im at igd but joined azkia at vk for a bit to see partus. its not that im scared (maybe not consciously) but when the mom was being stitched i felt lightheaded, nausea, cold extremities, and i even had to squat multiple times because i couldnt stand. But i felt better after the partus so maybe seeing it was the cause. I did not feel scared at all honestly ._. and i’ve seen multiple partus before. i dont know why. i can literally feel my symphatetic tone giving out lmaoo. tried matcha latte with Cy matcha powder. it tasted more milky and grassy. mom thought it tasted like nori. i prever cocodeli alll the way (although Cy is cheaper). i think it also has a bit of caffeine that made me feel awake like a normal person should be.

3 - today is vk but there’s no patient so thank god i saw sumn yesterday. did some cicil ukmppd in the morning accompanied by matcha latte. tried to order dufan tickets and i couldnt find my damn ktp...... fell asleep after worrying about said ktp

4 - matcha latte in the car, swab at lmk, went to dufan by tj with willy, had quite some funn with atikah nila willy amel pupuy. first time trying kereta misteri, quite fun. it rained after ashar so we didnt ride anything after that. turns out my ktp was at barel’s fotocopy lmaoo thankyou ara for picking it. went to solaria ancol afterwards, picked up by mom. i didnt tell her in the morning that i was going to dufan lmao. plenary @ zoom 19 pm. rapat nemo. fell asleep.

5 - went to lmk by tj to surprise clara. went back home and fell asleep. didnt rly do anything afterwards because this ragged body gets tired easily and i dont eat much recently. i can feel the difference before and after eating and there’s actual energy after eating. its not that im hungry though, but i feel less energized. felt annoyed terrible and just wanna lay in bed (this is unrelated with the less food in my system). even though i met up with friends

6 - after LOTS of sleeping i feel somehow better but not to a ‘normal’ amount. watched kimbab family videos. did power vinyasa by doogether with fianti. took a shower and ate indomie and i felt quite normal, except i slept again wtf. i thought i would have the second half of the day but nah. did self tryouts with fianti, 150 FDI questions. I got 96/150 right. huft. such a great reality check

7 - poli lansia with dokter isip, matcha latte in the afternoon rly helps me not sleeping the day away, packed up for depok

8 - poli umum with dr gita (helped doing phys exam), packed the rest of my stuff, ate some risol and matcha lattteee in the car, took swab results, picked up hazmats etc, zoom discussion with FT PKM Kalideres (dr gita) on the way, and i finally arrived at tamel. dinner is granola with vsoy. Taste like a slightly wet granola bar, nutty fiber-y vibe

9 - walked in ui with ara, managed to jog from the trees near st ui until kuburan bikun wow. i reached that point where my leg and heart were going in a steady unburdened pace and my willpower to keep going on was tested. tried the signature steak in Double U Steak by Chef Widi, while ara tried ribeye. the ribeye was more tender than the signature. but the seasoning in the signature is quite delish, salty and oily without being too much (like futago ya). read poppyland fast pass from ara’s phone omg season 1 is finally complete! went to coftof (omgggg i miss this place), it looks different now. ordered matcha latte and it tasted weirdly like a soy milk although ara doesnt feel that way. the matcha tasted weird. wont repurchase. read chainsaw man, its so entertaining, funny and deep at the same time. denji mess around and be too naive sometimes but hes lowkey hot lmaooo. aki is lovvvvve.

10 - first day at rsud budhi asih. had moesli combined with granola + vsoy for brekkie. went back to tamel at 3 pm. it rained when i got back. bought warteg lugina worth 32k. walked to sbux for tumbler day its been a while since i had their matcha latte. it tasted quite good, but not as good as i remembered (?) maybe bcs i asked for non fat milk. sbux closes at 8 pm for now hikss

11 - left tamel at about 7:10 and arrived on budhi asih at 08:54 yalll the traffic. Icu. Bought eatlah double and ate the salted egg part. Nap. ICU discussion with dr Dedi @8pm. I presented from my phone to save data hehe,,

12 - woke up at 8, eatlah brown butter for brekkie, symcard, saladstop's caesar salad for lunch (quite 'eneg' because i didnt eat the cheese evenly so the chicken and cheese were eaten last after the vegs are out. The vegetable's not that variative, and the non vegs make the salad taste delicious (albeit maybe not THAT healthy). Evening jog @UI and i realized i can get wifi sitting near the lake n library. Stared at the night sky from my room, i swear the sky seems super clear. Saw tiny fireworks in the distance

13 - ate muesli and saladstop’s banana walnut cake, symcard, bought moon chicken and saladpoint. lunch was egg salad and the wings. the original tasted so good like??? maybe i havent had msg for a while. also tried big bang, not too spicy which is nice. cicil ukmppd. put my laundry at buih barel lmaoo. try out with fianti. got 70/100

14 - breakfast was salad and leftover chicken. today was bangsal with angga armand. the geriatric patient has a loud murmur yall (and scoliosis, so much that the heart looks distorted). went to margo city to see sales, but when i think about it id rather just thrift stuff lmao. bought lugina. slept through kuliah guru besar. writing this in yellow truck coffee, that had 2 customers on the 1st floor including me. tried banana milk. yall after trying to drink less sugar the beverage tasted super sweet. my headache just goes away. sugar is magic but unhealthy whyyyyy.

15 - igd siang with indah. This body sure is frail. Did cbd with dr afifah AND rescheduled pleno. Rip mobile data i have to use for hotspot.

16 - ok today. Inserted goedel and did bagging. I bagged the patient the wrong way at first (too much). Thankfully the nurses were kind and taught us a lot :) watched some bts content. I feel like after reading househusband my tiktok page is now immensely funnier. Dalbang is also hilarious as always. Put on ginseng sheet mask (smells quite strong)

17 - bangsal. snacked on fried chicken. matcha latte starbucks (turns out its quite full here) and liqo about keeping our tongues in check

18 - arrived at icu. And then opened line. Turns out hadin's swab is positive, so agung kak iman and me have to isolate and swab. So i went back. Ordered kanayam chicken and fish and tempe. Nasi liwet tasted goood damn. Sleptt in the afternoon. Pleno at 4 pm (entered the room 4:30). Had no motivation to do anything. Azkia is getting married! Spent 20 mins formulating words to congratulate her lmaoo

19 - osce simulation, kak nanu was so kind and encouraging. Did try out solid. Lunch is fish bite pasta with melted cheese (cause i had to reach the minimum amount for promo). It got cold so its not that good (pairing it with self made mentai sauce, mixing the mayo and chili, is way much better). Jogged in ui (and searched for wifi). Approached by someone selling haraus coffee (25k), saying that some earnings will be for charity. Its basically sweet. Can barely taste the coffee.

20 - had kanayam for lunch (brekkie is almost always muesli lately). The nasi liwet tasted much better the first time. Walked to yellow truck coffee in the pouring rain. Got banana milk. Saw webinar ksk (electrolyte correction and dr nadhira talkshow). What i got from it is that, dr nadhira is a different person from the first place. Shes visionary, knows what she want and not afraid to reach it. The mindset is different. Even if i try as hard as her, her propensity to growth is different. Cicil ukmppd. Try out with fianti (got 72/100). Talked for an hour about love and marriage and engagements (there are so much of it lately)

21 - leftover kanayam for brekkie, also ate roti salman in cikini st. swab today (met kris, nessa and others). muesli for lunch. i thought my body felt a bit warm, so i decided to find sumn to eat. tried kedai abu bakar’s spaghetti brulee. its okay. maybe because its not too cheesy or meaty, mainly bechamel sauce. the one pupuy made is much tastier. finished the whole 10x20 portion in 2 eating sesh. cicil ukmppd @ bed in the evening (somehow felt refreshed enough to be able to concentrate in bed)

22 - went early to icu to put dops form. lugina for early lunch. i feel like my metabolism is faster? or my body is not so much in calorie deficit mode anymore and it got greedier lmao i used to just ignore hunger but not now, for health. starbiiies tumbler day. ordered black tea latte with non fat milk and vanilla syrup (because raspberry syrup is no more). did cbd geri ppt.

23 - finally knew the swab result bcs kak iman asked kak farras. thankfully negative. igd with jordi. quite a few chances to do iv line, but i failed 2 times. managed to do iv injection to insert 2 drugs. saw the worst cpr ive ever seen in my life. its too slow, with maximal interruption. fish bite for lunch. wasted the rest of my day

24 - originally intended to run but i cant bring myself out of bed. packed up my stuff. picked up by mom. got the paper result of swab, got ksk from kelvyn @ capitol. can finally drink self-made matcha latte again, but it tasted horrible. i know cy matcha doesnt have that much going on, but even this is low even for them. previously i was starting to get used to the grassy smell.

25 - my lil bro remarked “maybe shes depressed because she doesnt have her chair”. fuck yall. this “depression” that im in is caused by this very place and the people. and im supposed to still muster the strength to study for ukmppd AND get my face together for solid book photoshoot. that shit is too much. this is why the money that goes to cafe, and the bike ride there is worth it for my sanity. after showering, things felt a bit better. had absolutely no will to study today. ate muesli with a bit of matcha latte.

26 - muesli for breakfast. matcha latte is lyfff ive probably said this before but it ~somehow~ makes me feel normal and not in a slump. like im a regular person. with normal moods. and not wanting to sleep all the time. i try to do ukmppd exercises but the pace is so fucking slow, bcs im distracted by get rich haha,,,. the latest potn update (64) is omgggg the mixed feelings? love? hate? anger? everything and nothing? the ~tension and passion~? im obsessed. watched a ton of bts content today and yesterday lmao.

27 - nasi kebuli for brekkie. went to flavola, im the first customer lmao. tried kopi susu coklat, tasted quite close enough to janjiw’s kopi soklat. had the same ~improved mood and concentration~ effect. tried to read ksk. bought milky banana 1L from puyo to give dajen (its his bday yesterday) (i feel prompted (?) to gift people when theyve given a present to me) (because my love lang is not gift giving at all so i barely think abt gifts lmao). talked with sum 33 ipa guys @ dajens house. yay appropriate amount of social battery charging. tryout with fianti, padi this time. got 67/100.

28 - ate muesli with matcha latte after breakfast. cicil ukmppd. Listened to yoongi's vlive until i fell asleep lol. 2 burger and salad for dinner. omggg hansol revealed his gf.

29 - spent half of my day tidying up the mess that is my room. figured out what to wear for solid book photoshoot with fianti, ara. matcha latte terosss. phd for dinner.

30 - breakfast is muesli with cimory choco hazelnut. mom made matcha chocolate brownies. tryna study. slow pace terosss. read some padi materials. dalbang.

31 - bought vsoy low sugar and multigrain. moved my body a bit to youtube videos. showered. felt better. it also rained (which i love). the pleasant mood only lasted til the evening. did nothing from 7pm even though im not sleepy. cant tell when did i start to sleep

and just like that, 2020 kkeut. its sad to say i dont rly remember much remarkable things this year. other than the trip and memories with minor rotation friends. i just remember wasting my life away in my house. i guess that’s the danger of living a monotone life. sometimes you gotta invest some time to have fun, to have motivation to live on and do things. not doing this makes it difficult to live day by day. and friends. meeting friends, seeing new stuff. that helps me live.

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rydenstories · 6 years

Text

I found a journal in my hotel room

My girlfriend and I are just finishing up road tripping around the US, seeing concerts, attending festivals, visiting landmarks, etc. As you can imagine, we've seen a ton. It's been great, but by the time we started our long journey back to our home state, the trip had taken a lot out of us. Not just physical exhaustion, we'd nearly drained our savings for the trip as well. The plan had always been to drive straight through, taking turns at the wheel while the other slept. With tension rising as time passed, the plan quickly changed and we looked for the cheapest (but still nicest) hotel we could find.

Later, we found ourselves pulling up to the building directly next to the highway that would be our haven for the night; a cheap chain hotel with a bright sign that read "NIGHTLY $4O, WEEKLY $200" and a giant parking lot nearly packed full of semi-trucks. There are two more hotels on the same side of the highway underpass similar to this, two gas stations, and a fast food restaurant. The crowning feature of this small area, however, is a goliath stone cross that almost looms from the other side of the highway. It towers over everything, including the church that stands behind it and is illuminated by two bright white spotlights. To be truthful with you, this SOUNDS very odd when typed out but after weeks of driving past countless places like this, it's all just something I've come to shrug off as very mid-west.

The lobby wasn't packed like the parking lot, but there were more people wandering around the main floor than I'm used to seeing in near any hotel. Mostly gentlemen, reading books, eating cup noodle, watching the news, and chatting joyfully. It actually kind of reminded me of living in the dorms during college. Very friendly environment. I found myself surprised at how just... nice everything was for how not nice you'd expect it to be, you know? Still, we didn't really pause to reflect on that before checking in and quickly rushing to our room. My girlfriend did a quick check of her side of the bed and was asleep within minutes, but even with how tired I felt, I couldn't bring myself to go to bed so early and decided to check over the entire room.

Fairly clean. Carpet was really new, too. Not bad for the price. I sat down on the edge of the bed, feeling satisfied enough. Still, I pulled out the nightstand drawer, more-so to satisfy my curiosity about hotel bibles than anything else. Instead, there is this dark blue composition notebook. I've been reading it for a little while now.

It seems to be a journal, with many of the entries summing up the mostly uneventful days of the writer, a truck driver with a wife named Lynae. The writing itself is really messy and although I can tell that the author is deeply thought and well spoken, many of the larger words are spelled phonetically; smart, just not book smart. The journal is really full and some of the earlier entries are really interesting, detailing run-ins with hitchhikers and feuds with other drivers. The entries stop very abruptly and the last few are particularly unsettling. I can't be entirely sure, but I think those were written in this room. These are the last few entries. I've copied them down and done corrections to make it overall more legible, but otherwise I haven't changed anything.

___________________________________________

July 27th The money is in and it is good! I knew Bone would come through for me on that last haul. Now I just gotta get the rig back home! I'm glad I finally have the money to stop and rest in a real bed, too. The old cabin just ain't as comfortable as it used to be. Maybe that's what I'll be fixing next! I called Lynae and let her know I was coming home and she near squealed over the phone. I'm thinking now's the time to get her that pretty ring. Anyway, I saw Monty again today and asked if he was gonna return my MP3 player but he just kind of shrugged me off. It was pretty damn rude, actually. Knew his parents didn't teach him manners. He just got up in his truck, wasn't even gonna stick around. Weird actually, he almost always sacks up for the night, doesn't like driving after dark. Oh well, hope he enjoys a nice night drive! All over nothing!

Anyway, seems time to hit the hay! I'll be headed out tomorrow morning and I'll hopefully be home for supper!

July 28th Woke up this morning with the worst kind of headache. You know the kind that stings behind the eyes, burns your nose? Awful. Soon as I got out of the bed, the nausea hits. Damn it! Happens after every long haul; I get some bug off some dirty oldie who ain't never heard of antibacterial soap and I have to sleep it off in some crummy hotel. Fucking figures. Anyway. Seems like this place is much less crowded than last night and near all of the fellas that are here are total strangers to me. I wandered around a little bit, went to the lobby and grabbed some good stuff from the snack machines. Hung out for a few minutes, too, but instead of the normal circulation of news and talk TV, the counter girl was watching some weird black and white film. I ended up just going back to my room, throwing up a little, and getting some sleep. I napped until now, which it's pretty late. I'm getting 1 AM on my room's alarm clock.

I went downstairs to grab some clean clothes from my rig and smoke a cigarette but the front and side doors of the building were locked. I didn't see any employees around though, so I figure they're on their late night break. I hung out down there for a while and waited for someone to come open it but gave up eventually. If I'm being honest, I was feeling a little uncomfortable. It was too damn quiet. Plus, that church changed the lights shining on that giant cross. They're red. What a weird color for a church to pick. I don't know, maybe the fever is just making me loopy and paranoid. I better try to get some more sleep.

July 29th When I woke up this morning, the alarm clock said it was already well past noon. I thought it couldn't have been right because it was still pitch black in my room, no light shining through the open curtains at all. I got up and sure enough, it was still pitch black outside. So I figured my clock was broken. I guess the fever's got me feeling more and more irritable since I got here, otherwise I don't think I would've even brought it up let alone complained, but I yanked the cord from the wall and left my room.

The lobby was still empty, door still locked, and no employees in sight. I rang the little bell on the counter but nobody came. Hell, I waited in that lobby for a damn hour and nobody came! I'm starting to feel worse, too. My head is pounding so hard and I can't get any damn medicine since I've searched high and low for an unlocked exit and found not a single one. I don't really have any choice except to lay down and rest. Tried to watch TV, but all it's pulling is the weather channel and black & white movies, so I guess I've been watching the weather channel for a couple hours now. I'm going to try to rest more.

Oh. By the time I turned on the weather channel, it was saying it was 2 PM. The clock for sure was not wrong, but I have yet to see any sign of the sun.

August 2nd It's still dark outside and according to the weather channel's date, I'm missing some days. My head is so foggy that if I didn't remember at least a little from the other day, I don't think I'd question the initial notion that I just... slept through it from being so damn sick! I'm not sure that's what this is anymore. I'm not sure what this is at all anymore and frankly, I'm scared as shit.

The bit I can remember is only a small sliver of time. I got up and near shit my pants when I saw that not only was the alarm clock plugged back in, the damn thing was set again. I remember checking the door to find that the privacy lock was sure enough in place. Unlocked it and I swung open the door but then it all goes blank after that. Now I'm here and it's more than a day later and there's some kind of music coming from somewhere. Searched for it but found nothing.

As for the cross, they turned the lights off all together. I went up to the fourth floor to get a good look outside. Seems like everyone just left... All the haulers.... Gas station attendants.... Highway drivers.... Everyone. My rig is the only one in the parking lot. I'm beyond scared... I could break out but I'm so weak.

Aug 3rd My door was open when I woke up. All the doors to all the rooms are open. People's things are sitting around but there are no people. I've stopped pretending that this is normal. Something is so fucking wrong here and I can't even find a single clue as to what's happening or why it's just me. I've slammed my whole body weight into doors, searched high and low for keys or any damn thing that might help me get out of here. Nothing. It doesn't even seem like there's a world out there anymore. Like something just picked the hotel up, emptied all the people out besides me, and let darkness swallow the rest of it up. I can't see anything beyond the parking lot. Somewhere out in the vastness, though, I can hear that music from yesterday. It's something low, with a lady's voice singing over a very slow and out of key piano. She sounds sad but I can't make out what she's actually saying. I think I would be more concerned if the noise itself didn't make my headache so much worse. Instead, I just feel angry.

[[The entries no longer have dates after this and I can only assume they are each separated by at least a day just due to the previous writing pattern, but who knows.]]

xxxx I've spent a lot of time wandering around the hotel. At first, I tried closing all the tenant doors again. It made me uncomfortable to see them that way, but as soon as I'd hear the latch and I'd turn away, they'd loudly swing open again. Scared me shitless, as you can imagine. Then, after a couple more times, pissed me off. Even despite my fucking throbbing headache, all of the rage within my chest spilled out of my throat in a torrent of screams. As you probably could guess. My screams haven't received a response beyond that same sad song that only gets closer. Or louder. I don't know.

I've started searching through the rooms. Going through people's things. I wonder where they are. Did they get to leave? Or did they go somewhere else? I'm still not sure. Does it even matter? Things are getting worse for me regardless what happened to them.

xxxxx The parking lot is gone. It seems like the closer the darkness creeps towards this place, the worse my headaches get. I've tried to move to a higher room to get away from the darkness, but then I wake up back in my original room again. The weather doesn't play anymore, but the black and white film channel does. I've tried to sit down and watch it, but after a couple minutes, it ends up being far too painful. I can't... describe the pain. It's everywhere. It's in everything, god damn it.

xxxxxx First floor is gone. The cross is back though. It's illuminated in that same strange red light, taunting me from out in the darkness.

I've been through every inch of this damn place, trying to find some kind of haven away from this madness. I tried to go downstairs at one point. Into the darkness. My ears are bleeding now but I made it back to my room in one piece.

xxxxxxx Oh god. Dear Jesus Christ. Her singing is now screaming. The piano is grating. I wanna go home.

xxxxxxxxx I think this very well might be it. If you'd believe it, the higher floors went before this one, making it damn clear that this has always been coming down to me. It's been coming for me since I got here. I think even Monty could sense it.

Despite having every light in the room on, as well as every single one I could steal from this floor, it just keeps on growing dimmer. The girl. She's not screaming anymore. She doesn't need to scream. She knows I hear her. It's like she's right over my fucking shoulder, whispering right in my ear. And just like that, someone is knocking on the door. Darkness is seeping underneath like black smoke and I know I don't need to answer. It's creeping over the pages, up my arms, shoulders, face, and into my mouth.

Lynae, I'll miss you. ___________________________________________

I'm really.... shocked. It could easily be.... anything..... but something between the too comfortable vibe in the lobby, the handwriting, and the overall feeling I've had since picking the journal up absolutely tells me that there's something to this. Now that I've got it all copied down, I'm getting my girlfriend up. We're taking this journal down to the front desk. God fucking willing, we're leaving as soon as we can.

#my story #mine #creepypasta #nosleep #spooky #creepy

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