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wantstoflyafraidtofall · 4 years

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Chapter 4: Almosts and Sunsets

read on Ao3 here

**Trigger Warning** Mentions of past abuse and self harm!

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The creature's grin seems to grow when a wave of dread and fear streaked through Dean's body. His face pales and his eyes grow wide, he opens his mouth to scream but no sound comes out.

He can't move and isn't sure whether it's out of shock or the creatures doing. An icy black tendril extends from its body and slithers around to place its tip on the vertebrae right between his shoulders.

A cold wave rushes through Dean's body and control over his limbs is taken by the monster. He feels himself rise out of bed and turn to the door, his movements jerky and unnatural, like a marionette on a stage.

He opened the door and looked down the hall. It's just as dark as his room aside from the faint moonlight creeping in the downstairs window, laying pale shadows on the wooden floor of the entryway.

His body walked down the hall to the top of the stairs, his feet almost stumbling over each other as his body jerkily moved. Dean could feel the cold press of the shadow where it touched his spine and feel the brush of cool air on his shoulders as it slid along behind him.

Dean turned to face the staircase and lined his toes up with the edge of the first stair. He lifted his foot into the air, holding his leg out in front of him as his other leg wobbled slightly, the subtle flexing of the muscles in his foot keeping him upright.

The creature let out a short hissing sentence, “ M y hO u s ssS s s E ”

He felt the coldness on his back slowly pulling away, he began realizing he was balancing on his bad knee and it would buckle as soon as the supernatural crunch holding him up was pulled away. A dull ache was already beginning to present itself as the shadow continued to move away.

He filled with panic as the tendril lifted and the creature let out a hiss that if you listened hard enough, could sound like a chuckle. He closed his eyes, knowing his knee would buckle and he would tumble down the stairs and would likely be pushed down the next flight by the shadow as well.

He felt his knee give just as a pair of warm arms wrapped around his torso and he was pulled back from the edge. Dean opened his eyes, face pale and expression painted of fear and shock. He looked up and saw his housemates' worried face and wide blue eyes looking into his.

“Dean! Dean, Are you ok?” Cas asked, his warm hands gripping Deans shoulders.

“...Cas?”

“Dean, what happened? You almost just let yourself fall down the stairs!”

Dean looked over at the stairs then back at the Man holding him against the wall by his shoulders. He couldn't meet Cas’s eyes so he kept them down. Cas was wearing a loose Stanford t-shirt and plain white boxers.

Clothes like these fit Cas’s muscular form much better than his usual dress shirts and his well-loved trench coat. They make him look so much more carefree and open and cute.

“I…” Dean started but stopped. The shadow was standing on the opposite balcony, its piercing red eyes staring directly at Cas. A violent shiver coursing through him and he leaned further against the wall.

“We will talk about this in the morning. Come on.” Cas said, backing up from Dean and looking at the balcony to see what he had been looking at but the shadow was already gone.

Dean nodded and followed Cas down the hall and into Dean's room. He heard the click of the door closing behind him and turned to see Cas walking towards the other side of the bed. Dean followed him with his eyes as he walked to the other side of the mattress.

What was Cas doing? Was he not going to head back to his bed?

Cas must have seen Dean's confused look, “I’m going to sleep in here tonight if that's alright. I would rather you not fall down the stairs.”

“You don't have to. I'm fine.” Dean managed to mumble out.

“You're right, I don't have to but you're my friend and this way I can be sure you wont get hurt,” Cas pointed at the bed, “Get in bed and go to sleep.”

“Are you always this bossy in the bedroom?” Dean chuckled

Cas just sighed and pulled back the blankets on his side of the bed before tucking himself beneath them.

Dean laid on his side, facing away from Cas, embarrassed that Cas had saved him from falling down the stairs and now Cas was SLEEPING with him IN THE SAME BED.

It took only a few minutes for Dean to fall asleep. Knowing that someone was only just 2 feet away from him helped put him at ease. He drifted off to the soft sounds of Cas’s breathing.

~~~

Warm. Dean feels so warm and protected -- which is kinda new but he likes it -- all wrapped up under the sheets. Bright sunlight shines through the thin curtains covering the windows along Deans wall.

He takes a deep breath and snuggles deeper into his cocoon of happiness when he hears a low grumble from behind him.

Memories of last night hit him hard. Being controlled by the shadow. Almost falling down the stairs. Cas grabbing him and pushing his shaking body against the wall, saving him from falling down the steps. Cas falling asleep with him.

Dean opened his eyes and looked to see that Cas’s arms were wrapped around Dean, spooning him.

Oh.

Oh god.

Dean’s breath hitched and sprung up into a sitting position, pulling out of the warm embrace, his skin tingling where Cas had wrapped his arms around and he immediately missed their warmth. Cas pulled his arms close to his own chest and sat up.

Both men had a light blush on their cheeks and refused to look at each other. Focusing on the waving shadows of the trees leaves on the curtains.

Cas was first to break the silence. “Good morning, Dean. my apologies about… I guess I'm a cuddler in my sleep.” Cas finished, looking down at the floor.

“It’s fine man,” Dean swallowed the lump in his throat, “and, uh, thanks about last night.”

Dean heard Cas shift in the bed. He looked over at his housemate and met his concerned, blue eyes. Cas’s hair was always messy but his actual bedhead paired with his loose shirt with its collar sitting unevenly on his strong shoulders was just… wow.

“Are you ok?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, actually.” Dean wasn't really lying there. He had slept the best he had in nights. He was still really shaken about the shadow but that wasn't Cas’s problem.

Dean stretched his arms up towards the ceiling and let out a groan. He dropped them back down to his sides and slouched over a bit.

“I'm hungry, let's go eat.” Dean said as he rose from the bed and began making his way to the kitchen.

He got out some eggs and a box of pancake mix and started on making breakfast. A few minutes later, a disheveled Cas trudged into the kitchen and basically flopped onto the kitchen island.

Dean chuckled, “Dude, it's almost 10am and you look worse than I have all week.”

“Dean, we went to bed at 1 in the morning and unlike you, I don't do well without a proper sleep schedule.”

“I can tell.” Dean grinned as Cas lifted his head off the counter to glare at him.

“So,” Cas began in a nervous voice, “Do you sleepwalk often?”

Dean flipped the pancake he had in the skillet and looked over at Cas, “No. It was just a bad dream and all the sudden you were pulling me away from the stairs.” He easily lied.

Cas nodded and laid his head back on the table. He looked so nice, laid out on the counter like that. His hair was long and messy and the loose collar of his shirt showed off a tantalus amount of skin.

He plated the food and slid Cas’s plate across the island to bump into his hand. Cas sat up and started to devour his pancakes.

“You should cook more often. You make great food and seem so happy when you're cooking.” Cas said through a bite of pancakes.

Dean sat up in his chair a little taller and his whole face seemed to light up at the compliment. He smiled at Cas and laughed before returning, “You should sleep in more often, you seem so much happier and relaxed.”

Cas’s cheeks reddened and he sheepishly looked away from Dean at his plate of food. They ate the rest of their brunch in a comfortable silence.

Dean gets up from his seat and walks over to Cas to take his plate. He reaches down to grab it but Cas catches his wrist and twists it to show the underside of his forearm.

Dean’s short sleeve shirt left his scarred skin uncovered and easily noticeable and he completely forgot to hide it after the utter bliss this morning has been.

Deans breath hitches as Cas runs his eyes the length of his forearm. He lifts his face towards Deans and his eyes meet Deans wide, fearful ones.

He yanks his arm out of Cas’s gentle grip and takes both plates and drops them in the sink. He doesn't look at Cas on his way out of the kitchen because he doesn't want to see those pitying or disgusted looks on Cas’s face, nor have to answer all the questions he definitely has.

“Dean, wait!” Cas calls from the kitchen.

“I'm going to take a shower and get some clothes on.” Dean states and gestures at his t-shirt and boxers as he leaves the kitchen.

Dean goes into his room, locking both his bedroom and bathroom doors once they're closed, and starts the shower. He undresses and gets under the steaming water, letting it pour down on his face.

He suddenly feels the urge to curl up into a little ball and forget about the house, Cas, Sam, Bobby and Ellen, everything, so he sits on the ground of the bathtub and leans his head against the cool tile walls.

Sometimes, when a door slams in the distance, or a glass or beer bottle hits the floor, Dean flinches. He still remembers how almost every night since he was about 4 ½ his dad would come home from the bar, slamming both the car door and the motel door and either passing out on the couch or yelling and screaming at Dean.

Yelling about how he was a disappointment. How he was disgusting and worthless. How his only purpose in life is to protect Sammy, and that if he could, he would get rid of him.

How sometimes John would hit Dean and throw bottles at the wall, the brown glass shattering and raining down on the stained carpets of various motels. How some nights Dean couldn't sleep because of how bad his body hurt and how bad he wanted it to be over.

But he couldn't leave because if he did, who would protect Sammy from their monster of a father. A father who saw his son kissing another boy and almost beating him unconscious and threatening the boy that if he ever saw him again, he would kill him. A father who saw Deans scars and told him he was weak and a disappointment.

There were tears running down his face. He held his forearms with his hands and hugged his arms to his stomach. He sat there, crying and wishing to forget till the water began to grow cold.

He stood up off the floor and quickly washed his hair and body before turning off the water and toweling off.

He put on his jeans and an old red flannel and took a deep breath before opening the door. He walked quickly down the hall and stairs. He was walking over to the table by the front door to grab his keys, hoping Cas wasn't in the living room or library to stop him.

“Dean? Where are you going?” Cas asked.

Dean froze then turned towards the living room where he saw Cas sitting on the couch writing in that funny little journal again.

“I'm going to get some stuff to clean the fishpond and some brooms and mops for the basement. It's a wreck down there.” Dean replied still standing awkwardly in the entryway like a child caught sneaking out of the house.

“Ok,” Cas gave a small nod, “Are you sure you're ok?”

“God dammit, Cas. Yes, I'm fine.”

Dean turned on his heel and walked over to the table, snatching his keys out of the drawer. He walked out the door, not looking back at the house until he got into his car.

He could see Cas sitting on the daybed in front of the large front window. He looked at Cas’s concentrated face staring down at his journal as he scribbled something furiously across its pages.

What is he doing in that journal? Maybe Dean should ask later. Cas was a journalist or something, right? Maybe it was story ideas or some kind of diary.

Dean stuck his key in the ignition and Baby rumbled to life. He pulled out his box of mix-tapes and chose one at random before putting it in the player.

Led Zeppelin's What is an what should never be started playing and Dean began to hum along to the familiar tunes. He drummed his fingers on the wheel in perfect sync with each song that came on as he drove down the hilly roads to the small downtown area.

Baby purred as he drove down the quiet roads surrounded by trees that only parted at the occasional driveway. The sky was a nice blue, dotted with light, wispy clouds and the air was warm and fresh.

He rolled his windows down and let his hand hang out the window as he sang out the lyrics to Simple Man.

Going for a ride in the impala always cheered him up. Whenever he needed an escape, she was always there for him and never let him down. She is the only good memory of his father.

He pulled into the small lot and parked in front of the little hardware store. He went in and quickly found all the things he was looking for, thanking the old man at the register before leaving and loading his supplies into the back seat.

He takes the drive back home a bit slower, wanting to spend more time listening to music and feeling the purr of Baby’s engine as she cruises down the streets.

When he did get back to the house, he took the stuff out of the back seat and carried it straight to the shed and got ready to work on the pond. He took the small pump and extension cord and set it up before bringing over a tarp and some scrub brushes and a hose.

He watched the murky water drain out of the shallow pond and flipped off the pump once it was empty. He pulled out the rocks sitting along the bottom and sides and laid them on the tarp, exposing the ripped up pond liner underneath.

Dean took out the liner and laid the new one in. He was working on trimming down some of the longer edges when he heard the sun room door drop closed. He turned and saw Cas walking towards him, two glasses of water in hand and a beer tucked under his arm.

Cas walked over to Dean and held out the water and watched as he drained the entire glass before handing him the beer and walking back a bit to sit in the grass.

“Thanks,” Dean smiles at Cas who just nods and gives a small smile back.

Dean continues to work on the pond while Cas just watches. When Dean begins washing the rocks off with scrub brushes and a hose, Cas comes over and asks to help.

After about an hour, all the rocks had been cleaned and placed back into the pond. Dean grabbed the pump he had gotten and situated it at the bottom of the pond with its hose hidden in a larger pile of stones to act as a waterfall to help circulate the pond.

He turns on the hose and lets it begin to fill the pond with water. He takes a seat next to Cas in the grass, silently watching the pond fill up.

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that this morning.” Cas whispers

“It’s fine. I just… don't like to talk about them and get a bit panicky when they are mentioned.”

“Yes, but I still acted immaturely and that was horribly rude of me-” Cas began waving his hands around and talking louder and faster.

Dean grabbed his shoulders and turned Cas so he was facing Dean, “Cas, buddy, it's ok. I’m ok.”

Cas looked at Dean for a moment before nodding and relaxing his tense shoulders.

“Ok,” Cas said, turning one shoulder out of Deans grip but letting the other hand rest in place, “ok.”

They both turned back towards the pond which was slowly filling up with clean, clear water. The sun had begun to set behind the trees, the sky filling with purples and reds.

Dean felt Cas’s shoulder brush against his as they sat together, watching the sky paint itself with beautiful colors as the sun sunk below the horizon. Dean looked over at Cas and saw him looking up at the sky, a small smile on his face and the reflection of the sky in his eyes.

Dean smiled and his stomach filled with warmth. Cas looked so calm, so happy.

When the sky began to darken, their shoulders were now fully pressed together and their pinkies brushing where their hands had fallen behind them to support themselves.

He turned towards Cas who was already looking at Dean. They were so close together, their noses almost brushing together. He could smell the faint scent of the beer on Cas’s breath, the warmth in Dean's stomach seemed to blossom at the closeness and his arm tingled where it met Cas’s.

Cas took his hand in his and looked deep into Deans green eyes, still shining bright in the fading light. It would take just the smallest movement forward to bring them together.

Dean jumped when his pocket began to buzz. They both pulled away from each other and Dean fished his phone out of his pocket.

“ Sam.” Dean said into the phone.

“Hey Dean. Am I interrupting something? You sound annoyed.”

“No, it’s fine. Did you need something?”

“Oh, so Jess and I’s anniversary is coming up soon and we wanted to tell you that we were going to be going on a trip to Oregon to hike in the mountains.”

“Well that sounds fun. I hope you guys have a good time.”

“Thanks, well that's all I have for ya right now, but if anything important happens I call you and you do the same, ok?”

“Yup. Goodnight, Sammy.”

“Goodnight, Dean, talk to you later.”

Dean hung up and sighed. He stood up off the ground and offered a hand to Cas and pulled him up to his feet. He walked over and turned off the hose before heading inside after Cas.

They walked into the kitchen and took out the half a pizza from the other night from the fridge and ate it cold, saying nothing but exchanging long glances at each other every once in a while.

They finished off the pizza and threw the box in the recycling before heading upstairs. They went to their respective doorways and stood there a moment.

“Goodnight, Dean.” Cas said with a smile in his voice.

“Night, Cas,” Dean returned looking over at Cas and before he lost the courage to do so he asked, “Hey, can you, uh, you know…”

“Sleep with you tonight?” Cas suggested.

Dean nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. “It was nice to not be alone, and I got the best sleep I've had in awhile.”

“Of course, Dean. Just let me get ready, I’ll be in in a moment.”

Dean beamed at Cas before walking into his room and getting ready for bed. He just finished brushing his teeth when he heard Cas knock on the door.

He let Cas in and they both climbed into bed. They were lying facing opposite walls, and a bit far apart for Deans liking. He could get away with just a little scootch back.

He scooted back and hit Cas’s back who apparently had the same idea. Neither men moved away, instead they laid there, sharing each other's warmth until they fell into a peaceful sleep.

@stuff-that-is-other

#pieces of heaven and hell

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