#it is too late at night to be having an emotional breakdown over a book

[soulaires]

aaron warner family headcanons

The Warner Family.

pairings: dad!aaron warner x mom!reader

summary: get to know more about the warner family!

warnings: fluff, domestic, ooc, domestic shenanigans, protective aaron warner …

🪩:: voicemail ; read my other aaron warner fics here.

Aaron found out about it when he heard some crying in the bathroom at the middle of the night, noticing your lack of presence beside him, he got worried and walk towards the bathroom.

There, he saw you, in front of a mirror having a breakdown.

He approached you and asked whats wrong.

“love?” he said softly, as he hugged you from behind and caressed your hair, “My love, whats wrong?” he asked you worriedly.

“aaron..” you trailed off as you continue to sob. He hugged you tightly and kissed your forehead , pulling away as he make you look at him, “what is it, angel? You can tell me.” he urged you.

“I’m pregnant.” you blurt out.

With the lack of reply, you panicked.

“I missed my period recently and I feel kinda shit lately so me juliette and nazeera bought an pregnancy test earlier and I tested all 7 of them and they are all positive, I don’t—”

As you were rambling, he quickly hugged you tightly and lifting you up to the ground as he span you around. You laugh softly at this gesture as he peppered kisses to your face and hair while he whispered sweet nothings.

“Its okay. We will be okay. Don’t worry. We got this, yeah? I love you. Thank you. Thank you, I love you so much, My love.”

at the first stage he got nervous about being a dad and have some self doubt but later got over it as he saw you patying your belly despite it still not visible.

he got more protective over you and never ever let you do things.

you guys told your friends by a guess the word game. They all cried.

He bought a book about being a dad and take notes on pregnancy books to help you out.

Baby proofs the every part of the house immediately.

He went to every appointment with you

He never ever made you feel guilty for your cravings.

Oh you want a food from a store hours away? Just wait.

A hellspawn food combination that you want? He will eat it with you.

Massage? Done.

A food from a different country? He ordered his men to get it ASAP.

Want some sweets especially made by your husband even though you have never tasted his baking? He learned how to bake immediately!

You guys did an gender reveal in the most fun way.

You did it as both kenji and juliette worn a baby costume with 'boy' written in the blue bib for juliette while 'girl' in a pink bib for kenji

They both FIGHT to determine who wins to know the gender

They even go overboard as they jumped into the swimming pool racing each other to the finish line

Kenji won.

So, its a girl!

You guys decorated her room immediately

You did ALOOOTTTT of shopping!!!!!

Your husband just spoils you rotten as you keep buying cute toys, plushies, and pretty cute clothes!!!

“my love, don't you think its a bit too much?” “I am sure the little princess do not need that much clothes, honey.”

he gave up as soon as he saw some cute baby clothes + a matching one.

When you guys did a baby shower its so emotional like omg you guys are gonna be parents!

You and Aaron planted a tree so it grows with baby dior!

teenager!dior safe place is the tree, she goes there to lay down, read and to relax when stresses!

Your friends wrote letters for dior to read when she reached the age 7, 11, 13, 15, 16, 18, 20, 21 and 22!

You and aaron made her a gmail account as you guys constantly wrote her some letters and random things there for her to read in the future

When you went into the labor he desperately wished to take away your pain and was crying with you. He comforted you as he cares your hair and gives you kisses.

“shh, its okay, baby. Im here. Im not going anywhere. ”

“you got this, my love. You are doing so well.”

“Aaron! I can't do this—”

“yes, yes you can, darling.”

He really can't bare to see you in so much pain even though he had seen so much worse

He was very gentle and was crying when he held your baby girl in his hands. His princess, his girls, his universe.

After the labour, you were barely allowed to do things in the house, he only let you rest while he take cares with everything.

You guys had an 3 months lockdown, not allowing anyone to visit the baby

Always keeping an eye for baby monitors

You and him do an rock, paper scissors when it comes to changing baby Dior diapers (he lets you win, sometimes.)

Dior have your eyes so he is a victim to those puppy dog eyes. He can't say no to you, what more to his princess especially with your eyes?

Learns to do her hair!!

Dior first words is not 'momma' or 'dada' it was Kenny. Kenny. You and aaron felt betrayed.

Despite with the nickname, kenji teared up and always paraded the moment (to your husband dismay) he grows to adore the nickname when she keep calling him that

He sometimes forget that he played dress up with baby di so sometimes he go to work with tiara, ribbons, those princess accessories on him.

“Refrain from laughing, there is nothing funny about this matter.” “uh...theres something on you, sir.” “oh.”

Sometimes they were to scared to point it out

Kenji, nazeera and juliette made fun of him not until they were a victim of the dress up

At one point, kenji kidnapped baby dior and was later banned from seeing her for 2 months (barely a month in dior throwed a tantrum wanting to see her uncle kenny)

Baby dior played with your make up when she misses you! She wanna look like you because she misses you so much

Dior is an nature girlie! Aaron believes his angel is a reincarnated of persephone/artemis

Baby dior wears her pants backwards. She believes that “tails” should be at the back. You and Aaron gave up on the fight.

You guys had an motto that if its not hurting anyone or themselves, don't fight it. Let them.

One time you guys thought she was playing phone call but turns out she was in an hour real call with james.

Seashells hunting !!!!!

Everytime you guys went to a beach aaron always buy a big beautiful seashell then hides it in the sand for her to find!!! And her reactions always makes you and him melt!!

he also buries some treasure chests

He made an contract of no boyfriend until shes 30 and made baby dior sign with her prints with paints. He framed it.

You scold him for that and he just shrugs lol

teenage!dior have you in her closefriend and private insta!!

she collects shells and glue them to a cardboard and gifts it to you!

She wants a sibling so one day she just go “I want a baby sister or brother 🥺”

Keeps wishing on a well for it

Aaron is 100% in he just goes “Princess, ask mommy :)” “me too, baby. Let’s just ask momma for it, hm?”

Well, let’s just say she always get what she wants…

authors note: I had fun doing this Omg I wanna make it a series, do you guys want it? Please let me know!!! Feedbacks and reactions are very much appreciated!!!

(Aaron Warner) tag list 🏷 : @ravisinghs-wife @ab-baybay @aaronwarnerobsessedmylove @cosmicswan

If you want to be added to my A.W tag list plz let me know in my inbox ! 💌

#reader insert #shatter me series #shatter me #aaron warner x reader #aaron warner #aaron warner x you #rie answers 🦦 #riewrites 🫀 #aaron warner anderson #aaron warner imagines #girl dad aaron warner #aaron warner x y/n #shatter me x reader #aaron warner imagine #fem!reader #The Warner Family 🪐

[typewriting101]

protector: pt 2

Levi Ackerman x Reader

warnings: abuse descriptions/scene, swearing

genre: fanfic romance

word count: 20k+

⟶ summary: the day you were dreading has arrived. it’s time to go to Shiganshina and face your fear of what’s living inside the town

a/n: i’m so happy to be back & so grateful for this audience i have :,) thank you all for the support, i’m so glad you love my work! i wouldn’t be here without you <3

click here for: part one

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

You woke up and humiliation was the first thing you felt.

You vented to Levi Ackerman last night.

You could tell he understood and was deep down wanting to help you or he wouldn’t have offered himself, but you couldn’t help but feel like a damsel in distress and a little embarrassed with yourself.

You sat up in bed and quickly got on your uniform and put on your scout cloak. You walked to the door and took a deep breath, then opened it. You walked as if nothing happened, maybe the Captain would forget your late night breakdown.

You reached the breakfast hall where soldiers were coming and going and you heard a shout,

“Y/n! Over here!”

You smiled as you saw Armin, waving you over to where he was standing by the wall. As you walked towards him, you felt a set of eyes and instantly knew who they belonged to, yet you couldn’t look back. You were starting to feel uncomfortable about this whole thing, Shiganshina, Levi, your emotions, everything. You were shutting down and as you walked toward your best friend, he could see it.

You met Armin after the wall fell and became quite close with him, he knew your story, the two of you confiding in each other early on, because he had lost everything too.

“Hey, I saved you some bread. I figured you wouldn’t be able to eat too much, but it’ll be okay…even if you do see him.” Armin whispered with a supportive smile.

“Thank you.” you said quietly while taking the bread. “I’m okay, just thinking.” You felt the Captain’s eyes on you still and it was beginning to make you nervous. “I’m going to head to my room though, I need to… collect myself? I guess? Anyways, tell the others I said hello.”

He understood a lot was on your mind and patted your shoulder. “If you need me, you know where to find me.”

You were so grateful for him.

You headed back to your room and sat on your bed with a notebook, writing and drawing doodles to pass time and stress. You heard a knock suddenly, causing you to jump. You opened it and didn’t expect who it was, even after last night.

It was Captain Levi.

You instantly got a feeling of dread, were you supposed to be somewhere? Were you late to gather with the soldiers? The Scout Captain’s have never usually gone to their soldiers personal spaces. “Oh… I’m sorry, sir. Am I late to leave? I can run the mandatory mile—”

“No, y/n. You’re fine.” he said in his usual monotone. He stepped in your room and touched your stuff slightly with his fingertips. The brims of your books, the edges of your window, without messing anything up. It seemed like he was thinking.

“We’re leaving soon, I wanted to give you a warning.” he finally spoke.

Your heart dropped, “Thank you, sir.”

“Cut that shit out.” he snapped. “You do that a lot.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but do wh–”

“You are a good soldier, but you don’t have to act positive all the time. Look at me, I’m damn straight with people and am still respected.”

You shifted a little, he was right. You are trying so hard to be okay, to be happy with today. You didn’t have to be. You opened your mouth but he quickly spoke,

“Don’t apologize either, I just told you last night how I felt about that. We leave in five minutes.”

He left as quickly as he came, leaving you with butterflies again.

He acknowledged last night.

You fixed yourself up a bit and headed out the door, the troops were headed in squads to the towns. You saw Armin in the wagon to your left and the Captain heading inside it, knowing that was yours, you headed in.

The wagon was made up of the Levi squad of course. Armin and Eren were in rapid conversation, Mikasa listening intently, Jean was laughing with Connie and Sasha, while Levi looked down, legs spread, his elbows on his knees, clearly in deep thought as he was looking at his folded hands.

“There’s the pretty lady!” shouts Jean, causing you to smile and roll your eyes and Levi to look up through his hair, not leaving his hunched thinking position. “We’re just about to leave, I saved you a spot.” he smirked.

Jean could make you smile almost anytime, his flirty comments were more of a joke than an intention and usually caused you to laugh.

“Thanks, Jean. I appreciate it.”

The ride was not too long, so you looked out the window for the most part, worried about what was to be. This time you didn’t feel a gaze on you from Levi on the other side, but it was there.

It always was.

The wagon eventually stopped and the Captain got out first, everyone piling out shortly after, surrounding him.

“Here’s the plan.” Levi began, “Don’t leave town, behave yourselves, and we meet back here before sunset. If I hear anything about insubordination, you’ll answer to me and Commander Erwin, understand?”

“Yessir.” echoed from all of you in unison, hands in positions on your back and heart.

“You’re free to explore then.” he said plainly.

Sasha immediately ran off with Connie and Jean, yelling about some type of bakery.

You looked around, watching the people come and go, soldiers, townsmen, children. What if you didn’t see him? What if he finds you first? What if—

A hand settles on your lower back and begins to walk you, “If you keep standing there, you’ll get trampled over. The wagons are going to move to park at the stable.”

Levi guided you away and you both began to walk, looking at the shops and stands, his hand on you the whole time. You stopped at each one, complementing even if you didn’t buy anything. Eventually, you forgot all about your uncle and all of your anxiety. Levi must have seen your tension release because he let go of you, following your every move without speaking.

After a few hours you both reached a small tea stand. Levi moved forward to buy some and a smile graced your face, knowing he was actually doing something for himself. You told him you were going to step back to let more people in line,

“Alright, don’t go too far. I want you in close range of my peripheral vision.” he commanded.

You nodded, secretly enjoying his protectiveness very much and decided to only remain a few feet away, just outside the average sized crowd. What you didn’t realize, was how deep into Shiganshina you truly were.

“Well, I’ll be damned.” said a voice in both anger and surprise.

Your pulse quickened, heart suddenly banging on your chest.

No.

You quickly turned and looked up. There he was. In all of his rage and egotistical glory, stood the man who you thought you’d be better off dead than living with.

Your uncle.

He grabbed you by the wrist, causing you to yelp. “You sneak out and are gone for three years and think I won’t be pissed? I’m about to make your life a living hell, y/n.”

He began to drag you, but you put pressure in your feet, stopping yourself from being pulled.

“You little bitch, let’s GO!” he yelled.

Tears streamed your eyes, as your wrist began to burn. You pull at your wrist and suddenly hear yelling people and footsteps rapidly heading in your direction.

Your uncle's pull was strong and eventually your wrist began to bleed from the friction. Suddenly, the footsteps grew loud and Levi ran right past you and slammed his fist right into your uncles face.

He fell to the ground and spit out blood, “What the hell— oh my god. Captain… Levi?” your uncle sputtered.

“Yeah.” Levi answered like ice, looking down at him. He bent down and grabbed your bleeding uncle by the hair, causing him to wince, “and you better hope this is the last time I see you, or next time,” he squeezed harder, causing your uncle to yelp. “I won’t be so nice.”

He slammed your uncle into the dirt, hard enough to keep him down for a while. You were absolutely frozen from shock. It all happened so fast, your mind was racing and you were trying to keep your emotions at bay.

Levi stared at the townspeople that were watching the scene and they all quickly got back to work, not wanting to mess with him. He grabbed your face tenderly and tried to get you to look at him, but you wouldn’t. He could tell part of it was a shock response and maybe humiliation, so he scooped you into his arms and led you back to the wagons as you clung to him, scarily silent.

He led you both in and he sat down with you on his lap and whipped out Hange’s medical kit she stored in each wagon. Slowly, he wrapped your wrist in gauze as you sat, still not speaking.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice trying to be soft, but failing a bit.

You nodded. “Thank you.”

He could tell you wanted to say something else but wouldn’t. You also weren’t looking at him and your face was flushed. You wanted to tell him sorry, that you couldn’t stand up to that man but could to a thousand titans. That you were a coward, that you were useless, that you–

“It’s not your fault.” he said suddenly, while still wrapping your wrist.

You looked at him eyes wide, “What?”

It was almost inaudible, but he heard it from how close he was to you. He finished your wrist, set both hands on your waist and whispered back slowly. “It wasn’t your fault. You froze from trauma, it’s normal that the human body does that. Its called a shock response, it’s happened to me. It’s not your fault what he did to you, and you’re okay now.”

It was something you never realized you needed to hear. “Are you sure?” you whispered back.

His hands slowly made its way from your waist, up your torso, to your shoulders, up your neck, and to your face, as he leaned your forehead onto his. “It wasn’t your fault, y/n. It was never your fault.”

Your breathing grew heavy as you tried to hold it in. Your lip quivered as you brought your injured hand up and let your fingers trace his jawline.

“I didn’t know, I– Thank you, Levi. I–”

Your moving fingers stopped and rested on the side of his face. His eyes were closed, along with yours. his one hand moving down your spine the other, moving from your cheek to your jawline.

“If you’ll let me, I’ll protect you.” he said breathlessly, so close his lips ghosted over yours when he talked.

“I don’t wanna be vulnerable.”

“You’re not, you’re valuable, there’s a difference.”

It was all said in whispers until your lips met. He pulled you against him more with one hand.

“Let me.”

“Levi—“

“I can keep you safe.”

It wasn’t a beg, because he’d let you say no. You kissed him again and he pressed you against him, only to pull away. He looked at you, waiting. In a way, you thought you saw nervousness, like he didn’t like your silence. You knew he wasn’t one to express almost any emotion, so you knew he was serious.

“Okay.” you whispered, leaning in to kiss him again.

He pulled you in and his hands roamed your body, pulling you as close to him as he could. You ran your hands through his hair, breathing in his scent. The kiss didn’t last too long and he pulled away, he leaned against your forehead this time.

“We have to go back out there, you know.” he said calmly, trying not to scare you.

Still pressed close to him, he felt your heart skip. He gently grabbed your face, the whole situation feeling like a dream to you.

“I’m not letting you get even ten inches away from me this time.”

You slowly began to smile and he grabbed you standing up, setting you down in front of him. He looked at you, and his calm face turned to his expressionless one again as he moved around your figure and out of the wagon, you right behind him. There was about an hour or so left and he had his arm around you, grasping your hip comfortably tight.

Your uncle creeped around a few times, but Levi made you didn’t even know, and you didn’t. He would stare him down, until he realized Levi was looking and would run.

Eventually you made your way back to the wagon, he sat on the edge as you sat on the ground between his legs, reading a book you just bought. Every once in a while he would massage your shoulders for a moment, to feel if you were alright. You knew that and you’d reach up to grace your fingers over his hand each time, giving him the silent “I’m okay now.”

One by one the others showed up, laughing and talking, barely noticing that Levi would touch you once in a while, except for Mikasa, who gave you a smirking side eye for a moment, causing you to smile.

You all piled in the wagon, Levi at the end this time, so you were in between him and Jean, instead of across from him. The sun was setting and your head fell on the Captain’s shoulder. He took your book, flipping it to the first page to read without asking, trying not to smile as you fell asleep on him.

You didn’t fear falling asleep this time, there was no anxiety or tears. He proved himself to you today. He opened up and was vulnerable with you and told you that you’re valuable to him. He saved you from your uncle, without thinking of you as a coward, so you were right about last night,

he really was your protector.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

a/n: I tried SO HARD to keep him in character while trying to have him show affection omg i hope it’s okay :0

tagslist 🏷 : @lifesaclimb-buttheviewisgreat @themazerunner-bts-etc @delilahsdaydream @loveanoutcast @fvcked-beauty @leviackermanmyhero245 @wrenqi @maplemiyuki @icyhotsbby @rwandabailey @yessebastianstanus @I-is-seggsy @seafrr <3 (the tags stopped working idky??)

#Spotify #SoundCloud #fanfic #fanfiction #levi ackerman x y/n #levi attack on titan #levi #levi ackerman #levi ackerman x reader #attack on titan x reader #attack on titan fanfiction #levi aot #aot fandom #aot #multi fandom blog #levi x reader #levi x y/n #levi ackerman x you #scouts #scout regiment #abused!reader #levi ackerman x abused!reader

[jekde04]

Questions and Answers

Gruvia Week 2023 | Day 2: Whisper

Summary: Gray decided to ask the one thing he had always wondered about Juvia, especially during nights when his demons caught up with him.

Disclaimer: Fairy Tail belongs to Hiro Mashima

Read it on: FF | AO3

"What is Gray-sama reading?" a familiar voice whispered in his ear.

Gray jumped, immediately closing the book he was so engrossed in and trying to hide it from Juvia's view.

"Juvia! Where did you come from?" he hissed, trying to level down his voice as his words echoed in the vast chambers of Sabertooth's library.

Juvia placed her hands on top of her lips, eyes wide. "Juvia is so sorry for scaring you, Gray-sama!" She plopped down beside him, eyes all apologetic and hands reaching out for his. "Juvia was just curious what's got your attention so much. Gray-sama doesn't usually read, you know."

Gray scratched the back of his head. "Uh, it's nothing," he answered, looking away. "I just saw this book on a table and I thought — oi, what are you doing?!"

His face turned beet red as Juvia caught hold of the book he was reading and stared at the title, a little frown creasing her forehead.

"How to treat women..." she trailed off, confusion written all over her face as she looked up at him. "Why would Gray-sama read such a book?" Her brows scrunched up some more as her brain obviously went into overdrive.

Gray sighed. This girl has a wide imagination, but sometimes she couldn't connect the dots even if it was staring at her point blank. Not that he was complaining, as it would save him the embarrassment of the situation...

He watched with droopy eyes as recognition lit the bluenette's eyes and her hands flew back to her mouth.

"Could Gray-sama be thinking of how he should woo Juvia's love rivals?"

"B-but why? Is Juvia not enough? Juvia thought she got rid of all the love rivals already!" Despite her attempts to keep her breakdown quiet, Juvia's voice was already on the brink of reaching a fever pitch, threatening to destroy the library's quiet slumber.

.... And there goes her imagination, Gray thought. Juvia was now in full-blown panic mode, her eyes so round they were almost bulging out of their sockets as she cradled her cheeks.

Gray rolled his eyes and muttered "idiot" under his breath, ignoring his curiosity on how exactly she 'got rid' of her nonexistent love rivals. Reaching out to her, Gray rubbed her lower back gently while whispering, "You have no love rivals, Juvia." It had the intended relaxing effect as he saw her tense shoulders slump a little, but her next words caught him off-guard.

"Then why is Gray-sama reading this book and cheating on Juvia?"

"Ch-cheating?!" Gray sputtered. "Where the hell did that come from?"

"Gray-sama is not wooing girls behind Juvia's back with this book?

"No! There aren't even any pick-up lines in that book!"

Wrong answer, he realized too late as Juvia's eyes narrowed into slits, a deathly aura suddenly emanating from her.

"Is Gray-sama looking for pick-up lines?" she asked in a sinister whisper, barely audible if not for the silence of the library.

"Of course not! Quit putting words in my mouth," he growled, getting increasingly annoyed by the second. So before Juvia could conjure another ridiculous question, Gray covered her mouth to shut her up.

"Look, Juvia. I just found this book lying around and thought it was interesting," he explained. "You'll find it interesting too, if you just read the whole title." Gray removed his hand covering Juvia's mouth as he shoved the book towards her.

Juvia's breath hitched in her throat, and at that moment, Gray knew everything finally clicked in her hyperactive brain. He watched as her face turned a tinge of pink before she asked innocently, "But why would Gray-sama read something like this when he's already got Juvia's heart forever?"

"How to Treat Women: An Idiot's Foolproof Guide to Navigating the Emotions of Rain Women and Winning Their Hearts Forever"

It was now Gray's turn to blush at Juvia's bold words. She may not realize it, but she had a habit of sputtering out confessions out of the blue that would greatly fluster Gray. For Juvia, it was just another fact of life, but Gray doubted if he'd ever get used to the feeling of warmth blooming in his chest, spreading out to every fiber of his being, all the way to the tips of his fingers and toes.

He always got caught off-guard when he would get hit with the reality that this beautiful, sweet, and loving girl in front of him was his.

"Well..." Gray started, racking his brain for words. "It's not like I got you all figured out. There's still a lot of things I don't know about you."

"You could ask," she replied with a smile. "What does Gray-sama want to know about Juvia?"

Everything, Gray wanted to say, but she would probably go on a litany of everything about her... and who knows when that would end? So he decided to ask the one thing he had always wondered about, especially during nights when his demons caught up with him.

"How could someone like you fall in love with someone like me?"

A thoughtful look passed over Juvia's face before she let out an amused chuckle. Tucking her hair behind her ears, she said, "Is it weird that Juvia does not know the answer to that?"

She paused for a moment before continuing. "If Gray-sama had asked this a year ago, maybe Juvia would say it was because he took the rain away. But that was a long time ago, and so many things had happened since then. Juvia felt rejected by Gray-sama more times than she could count."

Juvia giggled to lighten up the mood, but Gray felt his heart drop at her words. Of course, he knew how difficult he was in the past as he tried to fight his growing feelings for the water mage to no avail. But not once had he ever thought of placing himself in Juvia's shoes to figure out how his attitude affected her.

While he was busy sorting out his feelings, driving her away only to pull her back in — she bore the brunt of his indecision and put on a brave face as if nothing fazed her. Only when she admitted feeling rejected did he realize how much she endured, and it hit him like Erza's armored punch in the gut.

"But the thought of giving up was something Juvia just couldn't take," Juvia whispered, bringing Gray back from his musings. "Juvia couldn't imagine a life without Gray-sama. And even if Gray-sama loved someone else and only treated Juvia as a friend, Juvia thought it was better than not having him in her life at all. So Juvia kept showing her love because she knew, deep in her heart, that there would be no one else."

A melancholic smile graced her lips.

"Juvia had long given up on understanding how she fell in love with Gray-sama, but she knew that she loves Gray-sama for all that he is and all that he isn't."

She had this faraway look in her eyes as if he was no longer in the room and she was just talking to herself.

After a while, she turned back to him. "Sorry if Juvia does not have an answer to your question, Gray-sama. But she —"

Before she could say another word, Gray cupped her face and crashed his lips to hers in a passionate lip lock.

Why did it matter why Juvia loved him? She loves him, and he loves her — it's that simple.

The only question he needed to answer was how to show how much she really meant to him so that she would no longer have any fears or doubts in her heart. And he knew the answers wouldn’t be found in any book in Sabertooth's vast collection — or anywhere else in the world, for that matter.

Gray gently pushed Juvia so he could look her in the eyes. "I asked the wrong question." He kissed her again, short and sweet and tender. "What I really wanted to ask was, even after everything... will you please be mine forever?" And before she could reply, he dove for another kiss, full of warmth and feelings he often communicated through actions rather than words.

When he finally let her go, Juvia couldn't help but giggle, her face all flushed. "How could Juvia ever say no after that?"

Gray smirked, tucking a loose blue tendril behind her ear. "Well, the plan was for you to say yes," he whispered.

"Then yes," she whispered back and kissed him once again. Gray reveled in the feeling of having Juvia in his arms, all traces of sadness or doubt gone as if they never existed in the first place.

He had a more important question lingering in his mind, one that he had been dying to ask Juvia for some time now and would open up the bright future ahead of them. Gray made a mental note to start looking for the ring that would go perfectly with it.

*

A/N: Sorry for the late Gruvia Week entries! I've had this in my drafts for a while but didn't get the chance to edit it until now. Will post more stories in the next few days.

#gruvia week #gruvia #Gray X Juvia #gray fullbuster #Juvia Lockser #gruvia fanfic

[gaintsnowflake]

𝐆𝐄𝐎𝐑𝐆𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐎𝐎𝐌

PAIRING - George Karim x Ex!gn!Reader

ONESHOT - in which george has a breakdown in the bathroom

SONG - michael in the bathroom by george salazar

TRIGGERS - drinking, mental breakdown, being left

A/N - please mind any typos or grammar mistakes, it is proof-read only by me so I won’t be able to catch everything

WORD COUNT - 1k

masterlist

THE WORLD is spinning. 

I knew it was a bad idea to come here, a even worse one to drink when I had seen them, hoping to just make the pain go away. I should have never listened to Lockwood. I should have stayed home. I could be home, curled up reading a book. I could be doing research about another case. I could be fighting a fucking ghost, that sounds better than being here right now.

I am crying in the bathroom at the biggest party of the fall. I could just sit right here and disappear, nobody'd even notice at all. Not Lockwood, not Lucy. Hell if I didn't know any better I would say they are snogging in a random corridor. I am a nobody to anybody here. 

Outside the door, people of high status fill the large rooms. Those who are not high status are the drunken agents who are partying like there is no tomorrow, probably because they may not have a tomorrow. But here is I am. I'm the creeper in the bathroom, because my buddies left me alone.

But I would rather fake pee than stand awkwardly staring at them from across the way. But it can't help but bring back the memories of the last party I had gone too. When everything felt fine, cause I was half of a pair. Though no fault of mine, there is no other half there. Because they left us. They left me. Not the other way around.

They left me, so now I am just, George in the bathroom. I am George in the bathroom at a party. God I forget how long it's been. And no one can come in. 

I will just sit here and cry, waiting for Lucy and Lockwood to come in get me or I'll wait it out 'til it's time to leave. This would leave me with hours of time to do nothing but sit, pout, and possibly pick at grout as I softly grieve. 

All because I'm just George, who you don't know. George whose flying solo. I am just George in the bathroom by himself. All by myself. I am hiding because their out their. I'm ignoring all our history. Trying to forget all the pain they brought me. I hope my memories get erased, maybe get replaced, with a newer cooler version of me. Because they deserve that. They deserve their second half, even if it isn't me. 

But now I hear a drunk girl, singing along to Whitney through  the door. "I wanna dance with somebody!" Her words are slurred, but it only bring backs memories of the good old days. But my feelings sink, cause it making me think, now there is no one to make fun of drunk girls with anymore. 

I am left alone, nobody to call my home. No one to bring me tea, when I am up late at night. No one to watch over me. I am just me.

Now it's just George in the bathroom, George in the bathroom at a party. Could I get any less pathetic, as I sit and choke on the sobs. The alcohol in my system only making my emotions worse. I half regret the beers, cause its making the tears flow harder and faster. All because I am just George in the bathroom, George in the bathroom at a party.

I can try and hide, choke back the tears, wait as long as I need, 'till my face is dry. My eyes are red from, how do I even try to cover that?I could wait until they become less flush, or maybe I'll just blame it on weed. Or something in my eye.

How would anyone know? I'm just George who no who they don't know. George flying solo. George in the bathroom by himself. The last person they think of when they think of cool. I am just an oddball who no one likes. 

As I continue to clean off my face, trying to hide the fact I am crying, hiding in the bathroom by myself. Just waiting it out, till I hear a knock. Maybe I'll be free. Then I hear a few more, knock, knock, knock. It is getting more aggressive as I prepare to leave. They are gonna start to shout soon, hell yeah, I'll be out soon. I won't be on my own, it sucks they left me here, all alone, here in this battle zone. 

The noises get louder as they pound harder. I can feel their anger, the pressure blowing up. I knew it was a mistake showing up. If I just splash, some water on my face, everything will be just okay. 

So I throw some water on my face, and now I am in a better place. But as I go to open up the door, I can't hear knocking anymore.

I missed my chance, I missed my escape. I can't help but yearn, for a different time. One where I can get out of here, make my presents clear, have the courage to stand for what's right. But then I look in the mirror, and it becomes much clearer. There is no denying, I'm just George in the bathroom at a party, is there a sadder sight than... George in the bathroom at a party. 

This is a heinous night, I wish I just stayed home instead. Maybe just lay in bed. Or I wished I offed myself in bed, wish I was never born. Then I wouldn't have to do this all again. No one would care, no one would notice. 

I am just George who's a loner, so he must be a stoner. I ride a PT cruiser, god I am such a loser. 

But what's worse is when I hear the creek of the door. The lock is gone. I look over my shoulder, to see their face. The memories coming back to me. This isn't worth the pain, as they look at me, heartbreak in their eyes. I am now who they think that they know. 

I am not the same old boy, so much has changed. They don't know me anymore, and that is their fault.

"Georgie?" Their voice is still the same, sending my heart fluttering at the name. 

But all they know about me is my name.

"AWESOME PARTY, I'M SO GLAD I CAME."

#lockwood and co fanfiction #lockwood and co #fanfic #george cubbins #george karim #george karim x reader #george karim x you

[syddsatyrn]

Downpour

☆Pairing: - Vi x Fem Reader

☆Warnings: Fluff, reader has a breakdown, fingering, angst, happy ending, smut

Minors DNI, scram!

☆Words: 3k

☆Summary: You over did it again, and now you're severely stressed cant seem to stop crying. Everything is just is too much so you navigate your way to Vi's apartment in the rain. She takes such good care of you, but you get caught up in the moment and things take a different turn.

☆Notes: I wanted to do something really sweet and we all love a soft Vi. Consent, lots of cuddles, with a cute ending. Special thanks to @shy-anon-writes she is always super helpful when I get stuck, and she's witty af.

Master list

Another sleepless night curled up in Vi's hoodie while clutching a tear stained pillow. You've been feeling uneasy, distressed, and overall gloomy. Things haven't been working out in your favor lately and the stress from work is so overwhelming. Shaking and sobbing, you hold the pillow tight and let out a few small whimpers. It's getting late and you have plenty to do tomorrow. The thought of another sleepless night made your stomach queasy.

After reluctantly pulling yourself out of bed, you head to the bathroom to wash your puffy red face. You look into the mirror and realize what a mess you are. You start to question your coping skills and you feel like such a crybaby. Usually you can calm yourself down and breathe it out, not this time around. 

You miss your girlfriend, but you don't want to bother her. You've been debating on whether or not to get ahold of her. You're supposed to see her this weekend and you don't want to come off as needy or codependent. The relationship is fairly new and you're afraid to overstep any boundaries. You wipe the emerging tears on your sleeve.

Having these breakdowns are always difficult. This only happens when you push yourself too hard. You always end up feeling burnt out, overly stressed, sometimes even nauseous. The tipping point was when you dropped a ceramic cup and it shattered, and so did your composure. 

I can't do this anymore. 

You think to yourself for a moment and walk back to your room. You open up the closet doors and put on some pants, socks, and step into a pair of boots. Your emotions are fueling your compulsive actions at this point. You grab your bag and a jacket to layer over your hoodie. When you step outside, the pouring rain makes you stop and second guess your decision to leave.

A little rain isn't going to kill you and your girlfriend's apartment wasn't that far away. It is getting late and your only worry is that she's already gone to bed. You take a deep breath, step out onto the sidewalk and make your way to the main road. 

The street lights and city traffic illuminated your path. You pull your hood over your head and place your hands in your pockets. Trying not to attract any attention as you pass by a couple of lively bars. You weave through a crowd of people standing in front of a rowdy club. As you follow the sidewalk, you try to avoid the bigger puddles. The rain seemed to be getting worse, so you pick up the pace. 

Violet stretches her arms over her head and groans. She puts her book down on the coffee table. It’s been a rough week at work, she's glad to finally have some down time. The pink haired woman gets up and walks over to the kitchen. She grabs an apple off the counter and bites into it, taking out a huge chunk of the sweet fruit. Vi decides to turn on the TV for a while and a familiar sitcom starts to play. She continued to crunch on the apple until there wasn't much left of it. She tosses the core into the trash and decides to tidy up the kitchen before bed.

Vi was wiping down the countertops while her mind wandered. She's been thinking about you too, and is a little worried you haven't texted her since this morning. She assumes you're just having a busy day and that you’ll call her tomorrow. Vi feels somewhat uneasy, it's almost like she knows you’re in distress. She tries to brush it off, Vi is well aware she overthinks often. She continues to tidy up and put a few cups in the dishwasher. 

You're almost to your destination. Your clothes are starting to get soggy. You keep moving at a steady pace. You stop at a four way intersection and hit the crossing button. This gave you a moment to catch your breath. You close your eyes and imagine for a moment the feeling of Vi’s warm arms around you.  

I can do this, I'm almost there. 

Suddenly a sports car comes speeding through the light and makes contact with a large puddle, created by a clogged street drain. The water splashed over you in one big wave. You gasped at how cold it was, your soggy clothes are now drenched. When you realize what has happened, it stuns you in your already vulnerable state. You can't help but freeze and start sobbing all over again.

You look back and the speeding car has disappeared. You realize the signal for the crosswalk is alerting and you quickly jog across the street. It's difficult, but you keep moving. Your body is starting to shake from the wind against your wet clothes. Luckily you can see her apartment building, it's only a few blocks away.

Vi was putting away a few random kitchen items when she heard frantic knocking. She pauses and walks over to the door. She unlocks the deadbolt and opens it to see her drenched, panicked, and clearly upset girlfriend. Vi’s eyes get wide at the sight of your dripping clothes and miserable state.

“Hey! What are you doing here?! Why are your clothes completely soaked?!” Vi questions while grabbing your hand and pulling you inside. You were at a loss for words, Vi started to remove your jacket and the hoodie. You assisted her with your pants and peeled them off your wet skin. Before Vi could gather your drenched garments, you promptly wrapped your arms around her neck and buried your face in her chest.

Vi stopped what she was doing and realized you might be having an episode. She engulfs you into her strong arms and whispers sweet words of reassurance in your ear.

“Everything's okay now, I’m here, I gotchu baby.”

You slow your breathing and attempt to gather yourself. Vi tilts your head up with her thumb under your chin. Your eyes meet hers while tears sting the corners of your eyes.

“Shhh…It's okay.” Vi repeats and kisses your face several times. She wipes away the tears and you attempt to swallow your emotions. Her hands cup your cheeks, warming your face. “Now, tell me what happened?” She asks, the calm tone in her voice makes you feel at a little more at ease. You take a moment and rub your eyes, trying to compose yourself long enough to describe your terrible evening. 

“I-I was having an episode. I ha-haven't b-been sleeping and I couldn't stop crying. So I tried to come here but on my way a car sped through a huge puddle and d-drenched me.” You manage to stammer out an explanation.

“Awe, Cupcake…I'm so sorry.” Vi says softly, she kisses your forehead, “You’re going to catch a cold.” Vi remarks and tells you to get in the shower, she’ll figure out the rest. You do exactly as you're told, and make your way to the bathroom. She picks up your wet clothes and tosses them into the washing machine in a closet down the hall.

After removing the rest of your wet clothes, you step into the hot shower. It's probably best to rinse off any potential dirt and city grime out of your hair. Vi collects the rest of your clothes you left on the bathroom floor and starts the washing machine. The water warms your frigid skin and you can't help but let out a sigh of relief. The muscles in your arms start to relax, you drop your shoulders, everything is going to be okay. 

When you turn off the shower and push the curtain to one side, you see a smiling Violet with a warm towel. She put a t-shirt and a clean pair of her boxers on the counter. She has changed into the same combination. 

You can't help but smile back at her. While gently stepping out of the tub, Vi wraps the towel around your shoulders. She plants a peck on your cheek and you dry off.

"Thank you, Vi. I appreciate you so much." You say and meet her gaze. The large t-shirt is so comfortable, you slip on her boxers. 

"I can't just let you get sick, and I can't let you feel like this either." She replies with sincerity. "I'm gonna make you some tea okay?" She suggests. You nod in response, your face starting to glow red. Vi takes off to the kitchen and you think to yourself how lucky you are to have such a lovely person taking care of you.

You trail behind her and sit on the couch. While the kettle is heating up to boil, Vi retrieves a soft, pink, blanket from the closet in the hallway. She drapes it around your body and it makes you giggle. Vi is being so attentive and sweet, it makes you feel special. 

You space out a little watching the sitcom on TV. Vi returns with a hot cup of lavender tea, its aromatic and floral. The pink haired woman takes a seat next to you and wraps her arm around your shoulders. “How come you didn't just call me, hmm?” She questions with a raised eyebrow. You lean into her and take a sip of your tea. “I coulda picked you up, dummy.” Vi teases.

“I’m not sure. I mean, I’ve gotten soaked for you before and you've never complained.” You retort with a growing grin on your face.

Vi Chuckles, “Oh, so now we have jokes?” She sarcastically asks. Her face inching closer to yours, and your gaze was locked on her blue puppy eyes. You lift your hand to her cheek and caress the tattoo under her eye. Vi closes the gap between her mouth and yours, she smiles against your lips and you lean into her. 

When you both part, you curl up next to her and continue enjoying your tea. You set the cup on the coffee table and kick your legs up over hers. Vi effortlessly pulls you closer so you're fully sitting in her lap. You lean your head on her shoulder. “Are you feeling better?” she asks while her arm slips around your waist. It felt like you could breathe again and your body felt light and airy.

She runs her fingers up the back of your neck and through your hair. Vi tugs at your damp roots lightly and it sends a shiver up your spine. “Y-yes, Thank you.” You answer, you can feel your voice fading away. Her fingertips trace lightly down your arm and your face flushes. You attempt to hide your expressions by burying your face into her shoulder.

Vi has this signature smirk she wears when she enjoys your reactions. She wraps her other arm around your legs and squeezes your thigh. An audible huff escapes your mouth and you wrap your arms around her neck.

“Awee, you’re so sweet.” She whispers in your ear. She gives your thigh another squeeze and your hand rakes through her hair. Violet's neck was begging for your lips and you caved in, planting soft kisses starting from behind her ear. Vi gets the hint, her rough fingers travel to your waist.

“Mhmm…Didn't know you had this on the agenda, cupcake.” She remarks, you pull away and lock eyes with her hazy irises. The pink tint across your face darkens as Vi hand cups your cheek. Paired with that stare that always brings you to your knees.

You are no longer in control of your thoughts, but why would you want to be? Your racing thoughts have not exactly been helpful. “Can I help you relax?” Violet asks against your lips. You nod and manage to say "yes", she then closes the gap between her lips and yours. Her tongue grazed your bottom lip and you allowed her access to your mouth.

She gently lowers you onto your back and climbs on top of you, her left hand tangles in your hair. She begins planting open mouthed kisses down your neck. Her free hand wanders to your chest, you take a handful of her t-shirt. Vi’s lips crash into yours once more and you softly whine into her mouth.

Your whole body melts to her touch. Vi begins to lift the cotton t-shirt you're wearing and you both break away to remove it eagerly. Vi places open mouth kisses on your jaw which gradually trail down your neck, then your collarbone, and before you know it her mouth found its way to your exposed nipple. You let out a few huffs and quiet moans while you squeeze her muscular arms.

“You okay sweetheart?” she asks, looking up at you with those cold blue eyes. You nod and she begins tugging at the waistband of the borrowed boxer shorts that barely hang on to your hip bones. It doesn't take much effort for you to shimmy yourself out and push them down to your knees.

Her hand traveled between your legs slowly. Small whimpers escape into Vi’s shoulder. “Mmm...just relax and let me take care of you.” She whispers in your ear while she slips a single finger between your folds. The sensation shocks your system when she makes slow, counterclockwise circles around your clit. As she increases the pace, you wrap your arms around her neck and rake your fingers through her pink hair. Moans break free from your lips and your stomach is in knots.

Vi is careful, and loving, it's all about you in this moment. She pauses her movements but before you can protest, she slides two fingers inside of you. “Vi…t-that feels s’good.” You manage to stammer. Vi’s signature smirk reappears again as she pumps her fingers in a rhythmic motion, speeding up over time. Her fingers curl in the best way, bumping against the right spot with each thrust.

"You're doing so well." Vi whispers in your ear.

It didn't take long for you to throw your head back and moan her name. One hand now squeezing the couch cushion and the other draped around her shoulder. Your hips buck underneath Vi as your inner walls tighten around her fingers. Your legs start to shake and suddenly you're seeing stars. You can't control the sounds that break free from your lips. You chant your girlfriend's name and she smiles as you ride out your release.

“mmm…That's my girl.” She praises as your chest heaves up and down. She kisses your forehead and slowly removes her hand from your entrance. She covers your face in kisses and you giggle softly. She assists you with pulling the boxers back up around your hips and finds your shirt.

As your breathing slows, she gets up and gets you a glass of water. You sit up and smile at her, taking the glass. “Can I get you anything?” She asks sweetly.

“Just you.” You answer and reach for her. She smiles and takes a seat next to you. You curl up with her and rest your head in her lap. “I’m so glad I came over." You say with a smile. Violet grabs your hand and laces her fingers with yours.

“Me too, I just wish you woulda called me.” Vi kisses the top of your head and stays glued to your hip for the rest of the night.

#vi x reader #arcane vi #arcane vi x reader #vi fanfic #arcane violet #vi #vi lol x reader #league of lesbians #arcane smut #vi lol

[leoraannexx]

i took a long time, sorry

i sincerely apologize to this site for leaving it on hold for so long. I wanted to express so many things but I am yet to have adjusted with the technology nowadays. now, I have my laptop to put in all my thoughts for some release.

my best friend will be leaving in 2 1/2 months going abroad, and i don't think i am ready for another emotional breakdown at the end of this month. it bothers me a lot and makes me question why do the people i love needed to cross borders and pursue new paths without me. i am nearly being literally alone again.

been also doing some charity works on the side, it's very fulfilling but how i wish i get to do it with someone special in my life too. contemplating if i will be going abroad soon or maybe going to search for the love of my life too.

you know, when in two days you're going to be 30, then you are not getting any younger anymore, it's time to make big decisions for my future self.

these days i've been immersing in reading self-help books, actually, it's not really about helping my mental health, it's about empathizing and telling me straight to my face that i have to make a step for me to see the changes in my life unravel in this lifetime.

i love solitude, but how i wish i have someone to be with me in it.

lately, we had a lot of outings with my colleagues, those mini strolling and dinner days make me feel alive at times, not making me think of things like ending my life or so... i really treasure those memories. however, i still feel truly empty on the inside.

in my work, it has always been fulfilling, it's my grounding management to make me feel connected with people and reminding me of my sense of purpose. a lot of changes happened in the workplace (demands getting higher, inflation gets in the way of saving up, mental stress keeps growing because of needing to do counseling with parents as well ..aside from their children doing therapies with me) but those things don't make me depressed, i am just feeling anxious with the thought of being hyperfocused over fixing their problems that it consumes my leisure time and my own time to venture new paths while being a therapist.

i think this is the most random blog post i ever posted, but i find this site my home and i see the changes happening in my life over the decade. making blogs remind me that i have come this far and that i shouldn't waste my life over my thoughts that have no truth to it all.

right now, i am honestly in autopilot, working and earning, doing chores, having some time to go to mall whenever i can, doing shopping when i can and stuff.. all in a repeated cycle. i am not complaining with whatever is happening right now.

i am fully aware that i am just feeling exhausted and that this pre-birthday sadness keeps getting difficult for me to handle. maybe i needed a vacation but how can i do it when i am not even motivated to begin arranging it.

i am doing yoga/ pilates mostly in the mornings, it has been helping me and also doing my best at night to clean my room, organize my things, listen to music, play games on my gadgets just to keep my sanity each day. it is still working.

this is the most honest and vulnerable state i've been, maybe being 30 is really getting emotional in your adulthood. i still think like a child, adhd sucks, rejection sensitivity dysphoria (rsd) sucks, depression sucks, anxiety sucks, panic attacks suck. i hope i don't get much of those after i get 30. i am feeling the need to be strong.

i am leaving this here. hopefully it gets better.

[fuzzydreamin]

Random Headcanons for: Preston Garvey

☀ Fantastic cook, and enjoys it. Whether at a campfire or in a regular kitchen. He'll find a way to make whatever ingredients you have both appetizing and fulfilling. Unless it's molerat. There's no saving that.

☀ Favourite time of day is the early morning, when the sky is still fairly dark. He finds peace in the hours when the world is neither sleeping or fully awake yet, enjoying the quiet solitude of preparing for a new day and going about his first patrol while the air is crisp and clear. He is a naturally early riser.

☀ Second favourite time of day is sunset. In Preston's mind one of the best ways to spend time with others is surrounding a nice fire. Either after a job well done or in the travelling between, where the stress of battle, loss, or potential failure can't ruin the moment. Just sharing drinks and stories with people who care about each other, while the world outside of the firelight remains distant for a moment.

☀ Much like Danse, he prefers action over words, especially when it comes to helping other people with their problems. He is good with using words to comfort, he just doesn't think he is because he never knows if he is saying the right things nor does he believe that words alone can change anything. But action definitely can.

☀ Likes comics and holotape games just as much as MacCready and Cait. Will eagerly join conversation about the characters and plots, though he may need to be reminded about some events since he hasn't read one in a while. Would actually listen to the Silver Shroud radio if it reached further than downtown.

☀ In the rare cases he actually has downtime and isn't working himself to the bone anyway, he will pick out one of Sole's comics or scientific manuals to read. Doesn't always get all of the technical stuff but he still holds onto that childhood desire to learn more about science, and it's just good to know about the world around you.

☀ He keeps a journal that he writes and sketches in. It has maps, diagrams of plants and animals, little notes about things he's run into or thought about, plans and lists, and even short stories or sketches of everything from comic book heroes to somewhere picturesque he visited, many of which are only half finished. The pages can be messy and tend to have several of these things all sharing one space because he tries to make use of every bit of free paper. Only things he deems more important will have their own page, and even then they'll have doodles around the edges that he makes while he thinks.

☀ He's a good fighter, and great at tactics and strategy in combat, but he's always had a group at his back, so he feels more stressed in battle when he finds himself fighting alone or cut off from the rest of his group. Don't leave him.

☀ Falls hard and fast. It took him just a month or two to be fully head over heels for the Sole Survivor after they met, despite how much he might have tried to rationalize and push the feelings away.

☀ Is a big brave boy with a big boys feeling jar that he can totally keep a lid on. Distressing emotional event? Going in the bottle. Easy. He has work to do, there isn't time for feelings. He tends to bottle things up until he has an inevitable breakdown, usually spurred on after waking from another Quincy nightmare. Will move into the kitchen or take a late night walk to avoid people while he lets the tears flow.

☀ Has a good sense of humour and laughs easily, so long as the joke isn't punching down. Finds karma especially amusing. Chuckles more than he laughs, but he doesn't get too many chances to just relax and truly enjoy a moment so if something really tickles him he will give in to the laughter.

☀ Didn't like Danse at first because he was BoS, but still respected him. Quicky grows to like him more over time, and is the first companion there for him post-BB. They talk history and swap battle stories all the time. Sometimes he has to ask Danse to explain a word he used, walking thesaurus he is.

☀ Has a similar experience as above with most companions actually. As welcoming as he is he doesn't trust right away, and is nervous about certain companions intentions with his General. Worries they will steer Sole away, either towards their own factions or through encouraging less reputable behaviour.

☀ When the Minutemen inevitably get cavalry he names his first horse 'Revere'. Nerd.

NSFW

☀ For the most part he's vanilla. He's happy just to feel good with his partner and gets enough excitement out on the road. Nothing would get him going more than just gentle, genuine care. Soft kisses and slow groping and all that.

☀ Loves massaging hands. Get into his sore muscles and tension spots and he'll turn to putty, everything softening except for the space between his legs which will do quite the opposite. Makes recieving non-sexual massages awkward and plays into him not being a hugger, because that contact is going to set him off.

☀ Definite praise kink. Loves to be soft dommed.

☀ Open to trying a wide array of things, he doesn't judge too much and if he isn't into it he will just say so. Will bring things up himself too, he does have an active imagination after all.

☀ Between his active imagination and his sensitivity to touch he gets turned on pretty easily. "I'm getting seriously distracted here."

☀ Is fine with casual sex and multiple participants. Has had quite a few dalliances in his time, most of which have been with other Minutemen.

#fallout #fallout 4 #preston garvey #fuzzy.post

[errorsharingiscaring]

Moon Knight System Relationship Analysis Supercut

Self-indulgent :)

Episode 1

More accurately, Marc and Steven. (Jake is barely there. A crime.)

TW: A bit of Swearing.

This started as me just wanting to get my thoughts about Episode 5 in order. I think I’m finally happy with how I understand The Scales Balancing ending and wanted to put it in writing.

Then this happened.

So right off the bat Steven looks confused af to be at home, safe in his bed, waking up like everything is normal. That’s tragic – because everything else about his life is so “normal” and simple, he’s just a shy guy that lets himself be walked over a bit too much living in an apartment with his fish and stacks upon stacks of books about ancient Egyptian mythology and French poetry. He is just Some Guy, and yet the precautions he takes every night just to be able to wake up in the same place he went to sleep in is just... Agh.

He’s late to the early bus, he falls asleep on someone’s backpack, a disinterested kid ruins his “I get to talk about ancient Egypt :D" mood, his boss definitely purposefully misnames him, the security guard probably purposefully misnames him, the only person he talks to is a motionless statue, and every day he comes home he can’t find peace in sleep – it's yet another hyper-stressful thing he has to micro-manage in order to try and find some control in his life.

And then the Alps “dream”.

It’s important to note that Steven and Marc are at each other’s throats the entire series – both of them refusing to give up the front willingly to the other, knowing that when they lose the front they’re losing it forever (until the other alter is needed, inevitably). This general rule of Steven and Marc have to consciously give up control or be incapacitated to switch lets us understand their relationship a bit more.

We know that the scene in the Alps was not Marc. We know that when Steven and/or Marc blacks out and loses control Jake is fronting – he just takes over without asking, and both Marc and Steven don’t have recollections of his actions. Marc fell out of a window and lost consciousness, which is why Khonshu was asking “Marc” to wake up because Jake was giving up the front constantly, just getting Steven out of the immediate danger and then switching.  But, because Steven isn’t asleep, Marc can’t front, he can’t force Steven from it, so ever since Steven was “woken up”, Marc has been on the back burner waiting for Steven to be incapacitated again. That opportunity comes when the logs fall, and Marc has the chance to set everything up so Steven thinks it was all just a bad dream.

And it probably would be, but Steven just straight up said his full name. So Harrow finds him and the plot starts rolling.

Overall, Steven is quite reasonable to think he’s insane. Extreme sleepwalking, constantly tired, having no friends, everyone at his job misremembering his name to ridiculous amounts, being so meek everyone demeans him because why not, he’s at the point where everything that the other alters do in his stead he takes as him just having amnesia and accepts it. His relief when he thinks the Alps was a dream is a crushing image of a man knowing there’s something off with him but wishing, hopelessly, that it’s false.

And then comes the slow unraveling of the truth.

Gus has two fins now – apparently he was there yesterday, asking for a one-finned fish.

The clock is off – didn't he just wake up and was about to go to work? But the date!

The date – :(

It’s a mental breakdown. Since he woke up it’s been non-stop proof that things are wrong and the relief that it was all a dream slowly dies as the horror of realization sets in, and culminates in Steven crying in the middle of a restaurant. I can’t properly describe the emotion that takes over Steven as he orders a steak, but you know that as soon as the waiter walked away he started sobbing. And it was the saddest steak anyone’s ever eaten.

(And I think more of that denial kicks in when Steven calls his mom to tell her the date went swimmingly. Even though he is crushed by his life and the insanity-provoking occurrences that just don’t stop happening to him, he doesn’t bother his mother with his troubles. Denial, being too afraid to speak to someone that isn’t a living statue, or just so done with life that he just wants to go home and cry – you pick.)

And why would it be over? Layla calls him Marc – that’s the first connection to the Alps Steven has. And then the classic insane-person trope – voices in his head, hallucinations, of course he passes out and wakes up screaming – only to find out the Alps were fully, totally real because of Harrow.

And then the jackal attacks, and while trying to hide Marc appears again - of course Steven is scared of him. Khonshu was terrifying, the voices in his head pled insanity, a mythical fucking being chased him – the denial he justified with amnesia tries to keep a hold on him – this isn’t real, this is a dream, even though the Alps was real and the person from there is real and his voice is the one behind the jackal-

This is real.

Oh god he’s going to die.

…

And then Marc.

Marc doesn’t yell at him that he’s weak or meek or that he’s stupid and he should shut up – all Marc does in that instance is force Steven out of a panic by making him focus on his reflection.

And reassure him that he isn’t going to die.

Then Marc can save them.

And he does.

And episode one ends with a really cool Moon Knight reveal.

Where do they go from here?

Episode 2

Marc and Steven are here! Jake is missing! Marvel BANNED!

TW: A bit of Swearing.

Straight into my heart.

That’s where they go.

I know this is how hyperfixations work but I am so baffled by how HARD these guys have clawed into my heart. I’ve rewatched the entire show beginning to end with full interest, not even wanting it as background noise for scrolling on my phone (even though I was scrolling through the Moon Knight tag) it was just that compelling – Marc, Steven, Layla, Jake, Khonshu, Arthur, just fricking everything like what the fish.

Yeah I’ll get bored of this eventually. This clinical analysis of each moment is killing the interest, so soon this is just gonna become another Marvel show that I remember being obsessed with but forget most important stuff about in like two weeks.

Until that happens, I wanna leave notes for myself when I come back to this season in the future. (istg if they don’t give a season 2 before they have Moon Knight appear in a major movie I’m gonna become a Jake Lockley stan out of pure spite.)

Let’s go!

Starting off the same way that the Alps dream ended – Marc's best attempt to make it seem like a nightmare to Steven. And honestly at any other point it probably would have worked again. Steven’s core emotion is denial, refusing to acknowledge that he may need help, refusing to talk to even his mother about his issues – Marc has probably been making Steven believe that he has the most vivid and wild nightmares in the world for a while.

But this time doesn’t work. Too much has come together, and as I said before, Steven’s “I’m gonna die” was him finally refusing denial and accepting that this is reality. So he wakes up running, with a tired sigh, broken from his own denial illusions, and the first thing he does – getting in front of a mirror and taunting Marc – was where Steven’s transformation from meek, shy nerd to someone who can actually hold his own begins. With sarcasm and frustration and anger, Steven without the lies he tells himself - “You there? Hmm? No?... Yeah [bitch], didn’t think so.”

And I think at this point when he sees Marc fronting at the museum, Steven has only an inkling about their DID. The way he called Marc not real - that was Steven calling himself insane, that he has voices in his head, you know. And while the jackal may have been invisible, Marc appearing on the cameras, very clearly a different demeanor and posture than Steven - “That’s not me” - it’s confirmation that he isn’t insane, that at least Marc is real.

But the frustration doesn’t end – the security camera footage was contradictory, jackal being “not real”, Marc “real”, and Steven, who has lived in denial for so long, can’t make his mind up fully that he isn’t crazy. So he seeks more proof – the storage locker.

Broken out of denial, Steven has no nice emotions to display. He’s frustrated, he’s lost, he’s angry, he is still very confused about what Marc actually is and how he’s affected his life. Added to his very real and reasonable anger is all the illegal stuff Marc has hidden away – all Steven sees are the worst parts of Marc, his country-hopping mercenary work that made him an international fugitive. From this point on, Steven is fully antagonistic towards a very real criminal that should be behind bars (in his opinion, at least), and the guy “that’s behind all of the bad things that have happened in his life” (in his opinion, obviously).

That’s why Steven is at Marc’s throat. And Marc reacts reasonably – how would you treat a person that obviously hates you? Be snarky and annoyed and sarcastic right back to them.

It’s miscommunication, it’s Marc’s main issue – he wants to protect Steven from this life until the very bitter end, when he has no other choice. Steven isn’t an equal partner to him like Layla is. Steven is... Well, we figure out what Steven is to Marc in Episode 5. Until then, the comparison of Marc as oldest brother, Jake the middle brother and Steven the youngest is quite accurate.

And this episode is where the main cast figures out that Steven and Marc are a system, separate alters. The one who figured it out first was Harrow – off-screen, mostly. In episode one, he calls Steven by Marc’s moniker – mercenary, someone that’s gotten in his way. But then in the Alps he meets Steven, a complete opposite of the mercenary – easy to assume that was a temporary act to get him out of a tough spot, especially the “Here you can have it! Oh no my hand has clasped around it!” (Classic taunt)

But finding Steven Grant in the museum he said he worked at changed things. From how Harrow talks to him, we can assume that while Harrow knows of the mercenary, it was probably only his second time actually meeting him – Harrow is trying to reason with a hired gun, trying to appeal to his morality, recruit him to his cult. Perhaps an inkling that Steven Grant and Marc Mercenary Spector aren’t exactly the same, but then he sees the calling card of Khonshu – flickering lights, mysterious wind, and he tries his scales maybe to kill him, maybe to prove a point against Khonshu. But it’s not what he expected - “There’s chaos in you”, scales in perpetual motion. (Which if we really think about it should be everyone’s - how can you know for sure that everything will occur in just the right way to make a person do the evil/good thing that the scales see? The whole concept of Ammit is apparently she knows you so well she can predict your actions in the future – taking in every factor around you, taking in every possibility, everything that can happen to you, heck, she can apparently see how other people around you will affect you, and she can see all of those peoples’ scales and somehow nothing contradicts itself and the future is just that predetermined that she can accurately say that this and this will happen – it’s just the same issue with time travel that MCU avoided with that “Your present is now your past” shtick. How omniscient is she, how far into the future can she see, could she have seen the world-ending events that shaped the Avengers – it would be worth freeing her for that, preparation for destruction- BUT THEN THE PARADOX OF TIME TRAVEL IF YOU KNOW THAT SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN AND THAT KNOWLEDGE IS WHAT PREVENTS IT HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THE EVENT IF YOU KNOWING ABOUT THE EVENT PREVENTS IT FROM HAPPENING AAAAAAAAAAA-)

Ammit is confusing. Harrow doesn’t seem to realize that. But he does realize that Steven Grant is not the Marc Mercenary Spector he is looking for. Few people could come to the conclusion of DID that easily, it’s not a common thing that pops into one’s head, but Harrow has some experience in that aspect. He was Khonshu’s Avatar – in a way, he had a Khonshu alter. Maybe the thought doesn’t fully form after he weighs Steven’s scales, but from how later on the “detectives” talk to Steven, it’s reasonable to assume the three of them came to the conclusion that they “should make sure”, hence the dance to bring Steven to Harrow’s community, where Harrow is then 100% sure.

Layla’s first thought seems to be “amnesia”. “You really don’t remember why we’ve been looking for this”, “I know you have the suit, you bring it out”. But then Steven dons the suit, and, subsequently, Marc. The difference between the two of them, how they’ve acted, how they look wearing the same armor – it clicks at that moment. There was her Marc – in his “best feature”. And from then on they’re separate.

So how does Steven come to terms with it? Well pretty much the whole episode people are mistaking Marc for him, and he has to keep saying (and reassuring himself) that it’s not him. The only person that seems to actually believe his dilemma – that he and Marc are not the same – is Harrow. Would be comforting, if it weren’t for the fact he wants to kill millions of people based on poor beliefs in an all-mighty omniscient being that has to transcend every time travel paradox ever created to be a good... god? Judge? Purger of the world? Thanos 2.0? Take out the mass murder and questionable moral standing and... yeah, Harrow’s comfort is comforting.

So does Steven believe he’s not insane? Maybe. Even in episode 4 he is adamant about Marc “disappearing” once he’s done with Khonshu, although that can be taken as just him biting back at Marc. If I had to pick a moment where Steven stopped treating Marc as an insanity-provoked hallucination, it would be post storage locker. At that point, he knew Marc wasn’t just a voice, he could be in control of the body the same way Steven is. And the money, the passport, it spoke to a history that this “voice” could have very realistically had, considering Steven’s frequent blackouts. He asks what Marc is, and even though his words sound ridiculous, there’s been a fair share of crazy these past few days. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” - has a panic attack because the stupidest thing he’s ever heard is real.

DID is never used as a term in the show, it can be explained as both the showrunners/writers chickening out of an actual conversation about it, and it can be the fact that the system itself doesn’t know the term, nor do most, possibly all of the characters. But Steven listening to Marc in the conversation with Layla, seeming to understand that the two of them are separately in control of the body, is a confirmation for us that Steven is aware of what is happening to him, even if he doesn’t give it a name.

So by the time Harrow acquires the scarab and episode 2 ends, everyone important is aware that Steven Grant and Marc Spector are separate.

A bit of a tangent, Harrow is quite a complicated character. In the most metaphorical way possible, him and the Moon Knight system are the same. Both were abused by a figure of authority (Marc’s mom, Khonshu), both were shaped by that abuse (in different ways), and now are just trying to do what they believe in, seeking penance for what they feel was their fault (Marc remembers every person he killed in Khonshu’s name, even the cities he was in – he's a mercenary, it’s “what he’s good at”. Harrow enjoyed the killing, but was somehow brought out of that high and realized Khonshu enabled his most sinful desire. Marc wants to avoid killing, and is trying to be a hero by stopping a mass-murderer in the making as the only service he can offer, while Harrow wants to destroy all evil from the roots. Marc internalizes his abuse and punishes himself; Harrow wants to punish the world.). It’s tough to say if the only difference between them is the age they were subjected to their abuse, but while they are similar in many regards, they are fundamentally different.

Which is why Harrow thinks he can get Steven Grant on his side (or at least “reason” with him for the scarab) and why he is so wrong. Later on the system sees Harrow as their psychiatrist – he's more knowledgeable in this, he acts as comforting voice, but all while misunderstanding the differences between them so so horribly. Because Harrow doesn’t understand that he and the system actually want really different things, Steven is able to challenge his thinking of Ammit’s untouchability – sure, Harrow seems to understand his struggle and seems to understand the difficulty of having Khonshu as a voice in one’s head, but he may be what the system isn’t - a bit broken, almost crazy to blindly believe the purity that an extreme measure of judgement without trial is promising.

So the scene plays out as it does. And we get to enjoy every second of it.

(Tiny tiny side note – did anyone think that Steven was actually going to say Layla’s name when asked about the scarab? I know Marc is paranoid and underestimates Steven at this point, but… the boy is absolutely enamored with Layla and stopped in his tracks when Marc said “You’re gonna get her killed”, there is no way he says her name, even if he did put some trust in Harrow (which obviously no sane person would, he literally opened with “We want to kill millions of people :D”)

I guess Marc being this jumpy around Steven makes their relationship by the end all the more satisfying. This is where they started – and by god how far they’ve come.

(But Marc pls did you not SEE how Steven LOOKED AT HER he would rather get stabbed than let any harm come to her he is SIMPING.))

ADDED NOTE

Someone pointed out how Steven reacts after Harrow tries talking directly to Marc, trying to discredit Khonshu and turn the entire system over to his cult. Again, obvious failure, but at this point in the show Steven only knows Marc Mercenary Spector, he thinks the absolute worst of him. And the only explanation Marc offered for his existence was “I’m an Avatar of Khonshu, I serve him”. Steven was already doubting Ammit, calling her a weird crocodile lady – he wasn’t believing a word Harrow was telling him. When Harrow was talking to Marc about how awful Khonshu is Steven was listening and seeing Khonshu through the eyes of those that served him – and it just so happens that those are the people that hate him the most. Steven was looking at Harrow - “Trust me when I tell you, Khonshu, is a liar” - and then after “There’s always one last thing”, he looks to Marc, almost asking for an explanation, and Marc doesn’t say anything in response, just shies away from the reflection, like he’d taken a punch to the gut. He doesn’t deny what Harrow implied – that serving Khonshu diligently is just a way to speed up the process of getting rid of him. And in that moment Steven’s perception of Marc changes – and maybe, just maybe, he starts to feel a little pity for him.

Which would endear him to Marc more.

So Steven takes his stance.

Screw Ammit.

(A bit about the time travel paradoxes Amitt transcends – the more I watch this scene the more that “might do evil in the future thing” not being disproven sticks. Harrow is just utterly convinced Ammit is correct and when he questioned her in the past (that strangely quick response to child murder), he found an answer to continue his loyalty. Steven’s first thought is “trusting the judgement of a weird crocodile lady is a bit dodgy” and that stays the general idea about Ammit within the system. So on one side you have a zealot with unshakeable beliefs and on the other you have a little confused but well-spirited guy just trying to do his best. The time travel paradoxes aren’t even considered because I guess no one’s interested in the inner workings of Ammit enough to go past “oh she wants to kill children” and question how and why it isn’t unreasonable to some people?

I get the conflict, I get why Steven is as fired up about stopping Ammit as Marc is who is just there as a servant of Khonshu, but GODDAMIT CAN YOU AT LEAST THINK ABOUT MORE REASONS WHY AMMIT IS JUST THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO FOR A DREAM-LIKE ACHIEVEMENT?!)

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee! My name is Steven with a V!

He is precious. And he’s gaining a bit of confidence (even if it is misplaced). And Marc agrees – “That was a hell of a punch back there” - while also being realistic – “Someone’s gonna get hurt if you don’t let me help” - good big bro, letting Steven test out his limits and realize on his own that he’s not quite there yet, which lets Marc use minimal convincing for Steven to give up the front.

(If I had a nickel for every time Marc looked to someone to tell him what to do in a situation I think he had well under control, I’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s strange that this first time he’s looking to Layla specifically to reassure/convince her this is him/try to apologize/something along the lines of remembering their bond and the second time he listened to Khonshu telling him to threaten a child with death after two failed attempts at getting crucial dig site information (it’s funny, Harrow misjudged the system’s motivations and now Marc misjudges Ammit’s followers’ loyalty. It’s almost poetic. If it wasn’t for the birb. “I thought he’d talk” - motherfucker your only understanding of humans and their inner workings is 1. A guy you manipulated so hard he literally didn’t see any chance of redemption for himself other than purging the entire world of evil, including himself, and 2. A fledgling system where each of the alters were living in constant denial over each other’s existence, wtf do you, a stupid flightless fucking pidgeon, know about people?

Whatever Marc thought to threaten the kid with was 10,000 times better than HOLDING HIM BY HIS SCARF OVER A FRICKING CLIFF.)

Oh right the relevance with Marc looking/listening to other people in certain situations – specifically, the ones described above. I don’t think it’s that Marc doesn’t trust his own judgement? It would be thematically relevant, with him hating his mercenary work, but then he would ask for advice way more often than he actually does.

I think it speaks to a different part of Marc’s character. And also the situations only have the similarity of Marc thinking he let the person he’s asking for advice from down.

With Layla it’s obvious – that was the first time she’s seen him in months, after he ghosted her. The way he looked at her, the stare they shared – it held a thousand words.

With Khonshu, he failed the mission twice and now for the third time, he actually listens to what he first considers to be bad advice. “He’s just a kid”, “He’ll talk”.

The part with Khonshu can be traced back to his abusive mother – you rarely don’t listen to what that kind of authority figure tells you to do.

But with Layla it may be a type of trust. Like how for someone he cares about he’s willing to put his life in their hands. He knew he needed to get the jackal away from the people, but he still looked to Layla to tell him that. It may just be their dynamic – when the deal at Mogart’s goes wrong, he shields Layla and immediately agrees with her plan. But while he seems reluctant, he does the same with Steven. He trusts his knowledge of ancient Egypt enough to let him front when absolutely necessary, and during that chase at the beginning of episode 3, why do you think Jake was switching in when Marc had the situations under control? Could it be because Marc would’ve actually listened to Steven telling him to stop?

It’s a stretch, I know. But I like to think that Marc chooses to relinquish control to very specific people, as a way of showing them how much he trusts and loves them, when he can’t quite put it into words.)

Anyway, Marc kills the Jackal.

And Steven is claustrophobic.

I mean it’s not said, not even particularly heavily implied, but do you hear his voice in this scene?

“So this is what it’s like?

Being on the inside?”

And how gentle Marc’s voice is?

“...yeah.”

“It’s horrible.”

“It’s alright, you’re alright.”

“...I feel like I can scarcely move.”

“It’s alright just breathe through it. It gets easier.”

“How long have you been doing this?”

“...

I don’t know, it’s... a long time.”

“I don’t like it.”

“Long time...”

“I don’t want it. Can I have my body back?”

“I can’t do that right now-”

“Please.”

“-Steven.”

First of all it breaks my heart, second of all this is one of the most compelling scenes in the show (If we don’t count episode five where literally every scene was perfect), this is the first time they both actually talk without the frustration and confusion that this sudden realization of their system existing was. Steven is quiet, nearly on the verge of tears, his hands are almost clasped together as if even in the reflection just a flinch is bringing him pain, and Marc is recalling the moment(s) he felt the same way and his voice is just so soft as he reassures Steven, like he’s giving him a calming hug with just his words.

Maybe he knows that Steven is claustrophobic, maybe it actually is a very difficult thing to change the perception of an eye so much that the reflection is not what it expects it to be. Either way, one of my favorite scenes in the show.

And once Steven accustoms to the feeling of being just a reflection, his usual frustration with Marc comes right back. “You can’t keep me trapped in here” - like you kept Marc trapped?

It’s an endless back and forth the whole series because, again, miscommunication, and because they don’t understand each other. Marc just wants Steven to be his “stress ball”, not involved in any of his mercenary work that he deems “shameful”, and Steven only sees the criminal in Marc, not any of the history or choices that led him there. And they don’t try to talk – I guess in a way they both think the other is ruining their lives at the moment and they just want the other gone. Put up the wall again, stop their lives bleeding into each other, go back into what life was like before – amnesia, sleepwalking, tiredness, denial.

But Steven is never going back into denial. And Marc can’t force him – eventually, he realizes he needs Steven.

But that’s later :)

Until then, Steven will shout the angriest words that, unknowingly to him, cause Marc the most pain, and he, in return, will be the most patient and self-deprecating and self-sacrificial he’s ever been just to try and reassure Steven and ease his anger.

And Marc tries to separate him and Steven, saying that his servitude is the price he pays, in the same sentence he says that they wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for Khonshu.

In an ironic twist of events, Marc, the alter aware of the system, is the one trying to claim individuality, while Steven, the one still quite unaware, is the one saying that one alter’s body count is all of theirs’ body count, refusing individuality and separate weights on their shoulders.

And notice how Marc’s tone changes when the conversation turns to Layla. The person he loves, the person he sacrificed his own happiness for, well, one of the people he’s done that for. However patient he is trying to be with Steven, he won’t let him say that he is being cruel to Layla, that he doesn’t care about her, that he’s a shitty human being for leaving her. It hurts Marc, to hear those words from Steven, who he also sacrificed time for just to convince him he had a normal life, that his fish didn’t die every time Marc had to go on a longer mission, that the accidental wakings during those missions were just bad dreams.

It hurts Marc. And it’s not the first time he lashes out in violence. He is trying his best, as a person who thinks he is undeserving of anything good in life, he is trying his best.

And he doesn’t get appreciation. Not yet.

Not to mention that Khonshu talks to him exactly how a manipulative, abusive parent would. Demeaning him, making Marc apologize, then suddenly acting nice to remind him why he stays in the first place. Pidgeon deserves to be bound to stone for eternity.

And episode 2 ends with a cool Cairo reveal!

The soundtrack slaps. It’s a fact.

Before this I haven’t really sat down to analyze the show, this was a really spontaneous thing. It’s surprising how much is in episode 2- well, after knowing the rest of the show. It’s only 6 episodes and not a frame is wasted!

It’s beautiful.

I love this show.

Episode 3

Disaster system (affectionate)

Stupid flightless pidgeon (derogatory)

TW: A bit of Swearing.

Time to hunt for the tomb!

I love every episode but every time I start thinking about the upcoming one I just get really giddy.

Hunting time! Marc and Steven relationship time! Layla time!

JAKE TIME.

And it is Jake throughout the whole chase. It’s established that when Marc and Steven switch it’s more of a blink-and-it's-done type of thing, while Jake, being a bit more forceful, has that whole “blacking out” and vision-stuttering show he puts on. Jake is here!

Why is he here tho.

I mentioned in the last post that it might be because Marc is actually listening to Steven and hesitating, which among trained killers is quite a dangerous situation. Then I thought a bit about it and I started thinking that it’s because Jake is impatient, and that’s a characterization that we get.

But... no? Jake is probably the most patient in the entire system. He could probably take over on Marc’s missions much more often than he does already – his front isn’t an experience Marc knows well enough to be concerned about how often it happens. No, Jake took over in the Alps because Marc was knocked out – there wasn’t really a choice between “we all die” or “I front for a bit”.

So following that, Jake takes over only because it’s absolutely necessary – they're in a life-threatening situation, fighting trained killers who, besides being showy, also definitely know how to beat up a single guy in a 3v1. It wasn’t the moment-right-before-death that episode 6 Harrow-sucking-out-their-soul is, but even a second of hesitation in that situation could mean certain death.

So Jake is like the dad that takes his kid to “talk” to his bully and then when the kid just gets verbally abused again steps in and beats the shit out of the bully.

Kinda. Either way, Jake actually seems to be a bit more skilled at this mercenary work than Marc is.

When the first mid-fight switch happens, we come back to Marc in a taxi being taken to the airport. First time watching you think it’s Steven, but how convenient is it that the people they’re looking for just so happen to walk out of the building right in front of them?

Exactly how this whole sequence plays out is only for the writers and director to know, we can only guess.  

So I wanna make a guess.

While Marc definitely looks like he has the upper hand in the fight, what if either another goon showed up or somehow he lost the advantage and they manage to get away? Jake switching in the moment before it happens would make sense with his “only when absolutely necessary” fronting policy (because if Marc gets knocked out the front goes to Steven – and god knows he’s no good in a fight (yet). Jake is protecting not only Marc, but also Steven, in the same way the Marc protects Steven – not letting him into this screwed up life.). So Jake takes the brunt of the hit/trickery/backstab/whatever, it doesn’t matter how, but the goons get away. Now what?

Well Khonshu could come in and actually help for once since he is a teleporting bird and COULD just fucking follow them!

But if not, why stress over where they could have gone? They are obviously not part of the dig site’s crew, so their orders aren’t to “take care of business in the city and then head out to join the main crew”, they will stay in Cairo until Harrow or one of his higher-up underlings order them elsewhere. The destination wasn’t important – Jake just needed a way to survey the streets for the goon popping up again somewhere. So a car – get a taxi. And drive around for as long as he can – airport might be the furthest thing away from their current location.

And since Jake isn’t one to take over a mission completely, only getting the system out of the immediate danger, he lets Marc back in as soon as he notices one of the goons. If we’re looking for Jack characteristics, that’s one. He doesn’t do the job for Marc or Steven, just helps out when they’re in a pickle. And in a way, not wanting to kill is a bit of a pickle – Harrow with Ammit is a terrifying force that’s capable of practically anything, heavily medicated and everything.

(And for a bit more proof that it wasn’t Steven switching in – there is a distinct look in people after they’ve seen Jake Lockley that you can recognize from a mile away, just like you can see the distinction between Marc and Steven. There is always a fear, a confused look at the fact that just a second ago this same body had a very different host. You can see it in these goons’ eyes, you can see it in Layla’s eyes after Jake comes out in episode 6, and it’s the same look Harrow dies with in the post-credits scene. Jake is scary, Jake is so unlike Marc or Steven that it takes a second for people to adjust. A confusion, a bafflement – and then heart-stopping fear.)

The second switch is Marc nearly passing out. He’s not quite about to lose consciousness, but he is in a compromising position and at a disadvantage against three people adamantly trying to kill him. So Jake fronts – but again, he is different from Marc in mercenary work. When people he’s chasing get away, he takes a taxi ride to find them. When people he’s chasing have him “knocked out”, he takes the free car ride to wherever they decide to take him. Wherever it is, there will be less people to witness murders and less places to run. And Jake isn’t murderous – how do we know he didn’t first question every goon just to make sure their loyalty surpassed their fear of death? Killing is still a last resort (Are the people in the Alps’s main square really dead?), and killing in this situation would be compromising the mission. They need to know the location of the dig site, not just murder people.

So after Jake fails to get the info two times, what does he do? He lets Marc switch in.

Because their ways of handling missions are so different, they’re both good for different parts of them. Jake can take the heavy blows and outsmart the goons, Marc probably has more experience in getting people to talk. So Jake lets him have a turn.

It still fails, but arguably not because of Marc (To quote myself, “[Khonshu, you] motherfucker, your only understanding of humans and their inner workings is 1. A guy you made suicidal and 2. A fledgling mess of a system, wtf do you, a stupid flightless fucking pidgeon, know about people?”). And we can only guess what the understanding between Jake and Khonshu is. The birb doesn’t mention his existence to Steven or Marc, but they seem to work well together (Episode 6 post credits). So perhaps Jake is the favorite child of Khonshu, the one willing to kill when necessary while Marc and Steven are the “lesser liked”. So the birb doesn’t interfere with Jake’s actions, but as soon as Marc pops back in, there’s almost a disappointed sigh as the “worse kid” takes the front. Marc has “disappointed” Khonshu twice now, failing to get the info his way. And even though the hyper-violence that Jake used didn’t work either, birb is so conceited he thinks his opinion on how to act is the correct one (AGAIN, SUICIDAL MANIAC AND SYSTEM IN DENIAL). But as always, it isn’t.

And is it just me or is that “I thought he’d talk” almost spitefully sarcastic? Like Marc is the “worse kid” so Khonshu is traumatizing him on purpose?

Either that or he is really sarcastically and non-chalantly admitting he was wrong, like it’s the first and only time that’ll ever happen. (AGAIN, YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT PEOPLE-)

So that’s our Jake segment for the episode (or show, more like. *sob*). He’s a scary dude, he is smart, and yet his only goal/wish is to keep the system safe. Honestly, with how little he cuts in, it’s almost like he wants Marc and Steven to learn to deal with their shit on their own, as long as it’s not a life-ending situation (yeah I don’t know how to explain their episode 4 death yet). But overall, he cares about his two disaster alters. It’s a shame they don’t want to even acknowledge his existence bUT THAT IS WHY WE NEED A SEASON 2 BEFORE A MAJOR MOVIE APPEARANCE MARVEEEEELLLLLL.

Stan Jake Lockley. He deserves some appreciation.

God trial time!

And I know the reason for Khonshu’s “banishment” was him overstepping the boundaries of the gods and “nearly revealing their existence”, but do you think Harrow’s refusal to be his Avatar had something to do with it? Like how Hathor (and I guess all of the gods) are actually concerned for Marc’s wellbeing, the way Hathor asks him if he feels he’s being exploited – they must know at least a little about the reason Harrow left Khonshu, right? Maybe it was the last nail in the coffin, and the judgement of the gods was the banishment plus him losing Harrow as an Avatar?

The trial would absolutely make sense with this. How they seem more trusting of Harrow than Khonshu, sounding more concerned with how the system must feel under his wing than the fact that Harrow might be doing something catastrophic to the world.

Huh. No wonder they imprison him in stone.

And good grief, how Marc probably for the first time admits that he is struggling. He’s always putting himself last, putting everyone else above him, the one time someone actually directly asks him if he’s okay he nearly has a breakdown on the spot. Layla doesn’t know this, he never opened up to her like this, he’s so not used to the feeling that overwhelms him as his sentence gets cut off, he doesn’t stay that vulnerable for long. Immediately he’s back to what he knows best – angry, shouting, taking the focus off of himself, forgetting about himself.

The more I watch this the more I realize how impactful Steven’s “It’s not your fault” in episode 5 is. Like who else has actually been kind to Marc? Who else has he trusted enough to open up to them even a little bit? Who else knows Marc is struggling?

No one. Absolutely no one!

I know Layla is his wife and that sentence in itself implies at least a little knowledge of each other’s inner worlds, but... Marc hid his DID, he hid a lot of himself, the only thing Layla knew for sure was that Khonshu made his life infinitely worse and the rest she had to figure out on her own. I’m not sure how that can lead to a marriage, I’m not sure how or why Layla still cares about him so deeply, but...

No one’s been kind to Marc. And that’s why his attempts at being kind to others are often taken as him being evil. How the hell can he know what being kind is? How can he properly explain to Steven that making him live in denial and confusion was the better option? How can he explain to Layla that him getting as far away from her as possible is protecting her?

He can’t. He doesn’t know the words, he doesn’t know the emotion. Marc is a tragedy.

“What happened?”

“Doesn’t matter-”

THAT VOICE CRACK.

Just how much Marc is holding back at any given moment, how much he hasn’t said out loud, even one simple question and he’s already biting back tears.

But of course he has to protect Layla. He has to say “Let’s just give our shit a rest for a moment”, even if that obviously stings for her. The only bad thing he’s actually done is just leave her in the dark for months and then for that he doesn’t even offer an explanation, just dismisses it as an issue that they have and doesn’t try to fix anything or say anything, keeping the secret of Khonshu as if it protects her more.

It can be taken as a lie. An omission of the truth is still a refusal to disclose the truth. And that’s the way Marc protects those he cares about – by lying, by keeping secrets, by not speaking. The same way he can’t express how much he loves them – he can’t find the words, his only hope is that his look and his actions explain why he does what he does, why he hurts the people he cares for, why he keeps his heart locked behind a steel padlock. That him speaking is worse for them, that the more you know about him the more in danger you are, that it’s better this way and “It’s too late” to fix what he’s messed up.

“We could have handled it together” - Layla takes his hands, she is looking right into his eyes, she is vocally and silently asking the question “Why? Can you please explain?” and Marc is doing everything he can to be able to push her away – he's not looking at her, he’s dismissing his issues, “It doesn’t matter why, it doesn’t matter that I can’t talk to you, nothing about me matters”.

Miscommunication. Inability to communicate, inability to express what he feels – that all results in lies and disappearances and refusals to explain. It’s Marc’s perpetual cycle, and it’s a never-ending one.

But hey on a little bit of a lighter note, Marc and Steven. Their relationship is what you would call... complicated. I’ve described it before – Marc cares for Steven but Steven has no clue, he only sees Marc Mercenary Spector, and that being a touchy topic for him, Marc retaliates in a snappy tone. Since they both don’t understand that Jake is responsible for the blackouts at the beginning of the episode, Marc can only assume that Steven has been getting in his way and Steven assumes that Marc is once again being overtly violent. This difference in ideologies is their latest bickering topic – they both think the other is not fit for the job. Marc’s “Not a chance [to giving Steven the front]” is him thinking that Steven will mess something up and then not let Marc fix it (which has happened before, so now Marc is a bit more firm with that, especially since now Layla is a variable he has to factor in). So they both bite at each other – “Sorry, if you [the bloodthirsty mercenary that’s been killing people left and right], expect my help, it’s not gonna be while I’m imprisoned!”, “Do you want a bloodbath? Huh? [The thing you’re reprimanding me for?] Fine. Have it your way.” (Which is also Marc’s way to get Steven to cooperate. Marc knows he dislikes the killing and the violence, Marc himself hates it, but there really is no other choice, so if Steven is offering a way out, it’s something that they both desperately want. It could have been a bonding moment for them, if not for the tense situation (And the fact that they’d rather snark at each other than admit the other’s skillset is useful.).)

It’s pure sibling love. If you ever wanna write real siblings – this is how.

(And Steven implying he understands what needs to be done to unlock the map they’re looking for but then refusing to actually divulge the code is a sneaky way to try to claim the front. Like oh you can’t do it without me! Better let me handle this! Again, classic siblings (And not something you expect out of shy little gift-shopist Steven Grant, do you?).)

And if I can just admire the villain for a moment, what a way to split Layla and Marc up. He knows that Marc was on the mercenary team that hit the dig site that her father was killed at – he doesn’t know if Marc was the one that killed her father, he doesn’t even know if she loved her father, if she’s broken up about his death. But he knew that Steven Grant and Marc Spector were alters before Layla – he clearly saw that in how she spoke to Steven as if he was Marc. Taking that information, he can make some assumptions – if Marc hasn’t explained the DID, there’s a high chance he didn’t trust her with the details of that operation, and if he assumes Layla did love her father and is broken up about his death – overall, not that far a leap or a risk to imply that Marc is lying to her, a thought he repeats several times until it eventually garners him Ammit’s ushabti.

(Basically, he figured out Marc’s/Steven’s weakness – Layla. Because she took the risk of walking into the lion’s den that was his little community, he can assume she cares about him deeply. And love like that doesn’t just come from nowhere – it's not a stretch to think it’s mutual.)

Harrow smort. He’s a shitty guy, he is absolutely wrong in believing Ammit will solve his issues, he needs some serious therapy, but...

He smort.

Ok me appreciating the villain hour is over.

Why doesn’t Marc just summon the suit and stop Harrow from destroying the sarcophagus? I actually couldn’t quite put it into words but first time watching it seemed obvious and I didn’t even question it.

Stuff about his secret identity, sure. That can be a part of it.

Marc wanting to avoid a bloodbath that donning the suit would inevitably bring? Eeh, there wasn’t really another way for him and Layla to get out of the situation. There’s a group of armed men all just waiting to kill them as soon as their boss gives them the go-ahead, and there’s plenty more in every direction they may decide to run to, I don’t think Marc was waiting for Harrow’s magic power display to change things much (Literally as soon as Harrow disappeared he suited up).

He can’t really fight that staff. If he does try to, Harrow will just summon another jackal and it will wreak havoc on (mostly) innocent people (and he and Layla would probably get shot on sight. You know, the thing that happens as soon as he actually dons the suit.). And he would still get away – and even if he didn’t, if Marc managed to wound him somehow, what would change? His disciples are at the tomb, they’re not gonna stop digging or exploring it just because Harrow is gone. They might even create a search party just to try and free him from Marc’s grasp – and he knows how devoted they are. Avoiding a bloodbath of actually innocent, just misguided people.

So he waits for Harrow to be gone. And then it’s all about getting him and Layla out.

(Moon Knight coooool :)

(And the more I watch the more I find proof of my “Marc relinquishes control to people he cares about as a way of expressing how much he loves them” theory! Steven helped with the map, and for that moment, they were working quite well together. There wasn’t snark or insults, they were actually being a team. So Marc lets up enough for Steven to switch in (however badly Steven midjudged the situation). Slowly but surely getting to that “seamless transition” level!)

(And also I like to think that Steven is the one that buys all of their clothes. You know, since weird new attire appearing in his apartment would probably be as bad as Gus suddenly existing with two fins, it would break the illusion. So both Marc and Jake trust Steven to dress them (And at least Marc approves of his fashion sense! “I really liked that jacket :(".)

“He’s got this idea that he can see the true nature of people” - and again I’m admiring Harrow a little. That comment about “She will see you as you see yourself – as unworthy of love” was SO SPOT ON that Marc straight up admitted he was right about it. And perhaps Harrow was talking a little from experience – maybe after he realized the sins he committed in Khonshu’s name that’s exactly how he felt – but he couldn’t know that Marc had the same experience. He could only guess, and with a little luck and a lot of smort, he was right. So I guess...

I’d say good for him, but... it’s a really shitty thing to do, taking advantage of someone’s trauma to discredit/use/hurt them. He’s already done it once to convince the gods he’s innocent, now he’s doing it again to make Layla, Marc’s one weakness and, as far as Harrow knows, only loved one, hate and distrust him.

Screw Harrow. He’s a great villain and he is super compelling to watch and try to figure out, but... Screw him.

Especially screw him for making Layla and Marc relive an argument they must have had often. Marc has secrets, Layla doesn’t know them – and yet she hopes that this newest one is the last. But it never is.

(And yet she still married him. And yet the good moments outweighed the horrible distrust that she felt every time she learned something new about him. They’ve been together for years now, surely, and that’s still an emotion she has to go through.

I’d say that’s true love, to still care for someone after all of that.

…

No wait actually it is.

Actually it is, because what Marc hides from her most of the time is how much he’s struggling. Other secrets are about his exploits, the worst of him that he wishes she didn’t know. But she broke through his walls, she learned about Khonshu, she learned how he made Marc’s life a hell, in Marc’s eyes she in an equal partner he can put his trust in and forfeit his life to because he loves her. Because however much he hides his issues and how he feels, Layla knows that he’s prone to do that. She knows he has issues and that he hides and that he has bad habits but she still stayed. Even after so many secrets, after so many horrible feelings of never knowing the man she married, she still stayed. With every sentence and every step she took next to him she proved that she loved him, that she wasn’t leaving and that he wasn’t alone. She was patient, she stuck with him even when Marc’s own self-deprecation and insecurities said that no one loves him and he isn’t worthy of anything good. She tried to prove that wrong, she did everything in her power to prove that wrong.

And then Khonshu decided she was a worthy Avatar.

Imagine that, imagine that Layla set Marc on a path to healing by just being there for him and assuring him and loving him and then Khonshu ruins everything by hitting Marc where it hurts – saying that his existence is a danger to others. That because of him, Layla is in danger of going through the worst shit imagineable as Khonshu’s Avatar, that it is his fault the only good thing that ever happened to him is going to be traumatized and ruined by a god that used him as it saw fit.

Fuck. Khonshu.

He used Marc’s insecurities and his trauma, his “pain” to keep him tethered to his eternal servitude, threatening him with Layla, his one weakness, the person he loves, just so Khonshu can have an effective, unwell, eternal servant that he can manipulate to do whatever he wishes as long as he pressed the right buttons.

Fuck Khonshu. Fuck Harrow.

Layla has the patience of an angel. Khonshu thinking he can get her in his service is the most ridiculous shit that stupid fucking bird ever believed. The audacity to throw away Marc in favor of the person he kept as an assurance that he can always have a reliable servant.

How fucking dare he.

Strip him of his power and bound his useless hollow shell to stone.)

And it hurts Marc to push Layla away, he doesn’t want to do it but he feels that he has to. That’s all Marc’s life is, just pushing people away from him. When he realizes that he needs Steven he smacks the car, knowing that now he’s not gonna be able to reason with Steven that he should just suck it up and help. Knowing that, he still has to listen to Layla pressuring him to give Steven the front while Khonshu, again, misunderstanding HUMANS, thinks that Steven should just help from a reflection. Quite understandably, he lashes out by breaking the rearview mirror off – his typical response to stress, something violent. It’s a mirror to the scene in episode 2 where Layla is begging Steven to become Marc – it’s a bunch of voices all screaming at you to disappear. And both Steven and Marc react with their stress responses because it’s already a struggle to be in control. Steven wasn’t letting Marc in because he is a killer, Marc now doesn’t want to let Steven in because he knows he’s going to muck something up. He is still pushing Steven from this life, he knows he’s not made for this and he knows he will be much worse off having to deal with whatever comes after they put the map together. And yet.

He walks away before switching. He doesn’t show it off to Layla, or Khonshu, he walks away to say just one sentence privately. “Alright, go ahead. You’re in.” Not trying to reason with Steven, or convince him to help otherwise, just an “I’m putting my faith in you. I hope you understand how much I trust you to do this.”

Not saying it in words, but in actions. A “Sorry” for underestimating him before, a “You got this” to give him confidence, and Steven in response doesn’t snark or sarcastically bite back. Just a cheerful “Thanks a lot!”

It’s a lot easier to learn someone’s language when you spend so much time in one head.

Layla and Steven are cute though. There’s more to say about them in the next episode, when they actually talk.

I’m kinda curious about Khonshu and the other gods now. Specifically, Ammit, what the hell happened there? Cause... The things Khonshu does just to prevent her from reaching her ultimate goal, it kinda rivals Ammit’s followers’ zeal. He would accept being bound in stone for gods know how long if only it meant that Marc Spector and Steven Grant have a chance at stopping her. And how Khonshu and Ammit talk later on, it kinda seems like they’re exes? That’s the backstory I want to hear – how did it happen, who did what to piss off the other, how did Ammit end up being bound and Khonshu is just allowed to continue his work, if they do have the same ideals and the same wishes for the world, how did it end up that they became opposites?

There’s definitely more to learn about both Khonshu and Ammit. Sadly, it probably won’t be official show canon.

“Your torment forged me.

I owe my victory to you.”

Fuckin raw line.

And it’s why we can’t write off Harrow as just “insane guy that wants to kill the world”. The abuse he suffered at Khonshu’s hand is very real and it is equally traumatizing to face it as adult as it is to experience it as a child. Harrow and the Moon Knight system are similar – they are not the same, and their reactions to the events thrust upon them are different.  

So while I can’t villainize Harrow completely, I also... Can’t really say he’s right? Just feels like... there’s a lot more steps one can take before deciding that the world needs a cleanse?

Like maybe... therapy? Just... just try therapy, yeah? Maybe you won’t commit to it, or it won’t help but... At least you’ll hear a different opinion.

And maybe killing millions of people won’t seem so reasonable?

Anyway, that’s the end of the episode!

So just for this post’s end, some disclaimers.

I am not a simp for Arthur Harrow.

I see you simps, I understand why, but I don’t think I can ever go there. Harrow will always be the antagonist who I admire and who’s motivations I can understand, but can’t romanticize.

Same thing goes for Khonshu simps. I can’t get past the fact that he manipulated and abused and hurt the system, but go off I guess.

And I do not ship Marc and Steven. I keep calling it their relationship cause I don’t want to say friendship, at least not yet. Brotherhood sounds wrong. And I don’t particularly see why people would ship them romantically? Like some people just have that tension and canon just wastes it, but Marc and Steven? Yeah... no. No, I don’t see it.

So have fun with your xreaders, I’m gonna be here sobbing over the tragedy of Marc’s story and episode 5’s culmination.

Which I get to talk about pretty soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Episode 4

Jake gone.

System gone.

Life gone.

TW: Swearing, a lot of caps, MK rep criticism.

You know, when I started typing out my thoughts on episode 5 and then went into a tangent about episode 1 within the first paragraph and then decided “ok fuck it I guess we’re doing this now” and started this entire mess of a long-ass essay, I thought I’d lose interest incredibly quickly and never actually finish all of the episodes, or worse, I’d forget everything I wanted to say about episode 5’s ending (Which is an unfortunately common thing with me, it’s why I wanted to write it down). 

But here we are. Episode 4. And the hours I spend rewatching the episodes and typing out my thoughts are the happiest hours of the day! And I’m glad I did it this way, not episode 5 first and then the others because now I’m gonna go into the thing with a whole new perspective. So many things I would have missed if I’d just taken everything at face value! 

I love analysis. I genuinely do. It’s fun to see things come together, figure out the themes, understand characters and their motivations, piece together why the scene plays out like it does. But few shows have anything worth mentioning beyond the obvious reasonings and that makes analysis boring and not fun at all to do. So I’m very selective. 

Moon Knight is a show that comes once in a decade. And I love every single part of it. 

Episode 4. Tomb time! 

And instantly we get to see why Marc trusts Layla so much to have his back – I'd put my life in her hands. Without question. 

So for most of this episode Marc doesn’t front. It’s like a mirror to episode 3, where Steven fronted only at the end. And both of them had valid reasons for shunning the other, even if pettiness is part of it. 

Or, I should say, a large part of it. Marc kept Steven from the front when he should have given it up as soon as he realized he knew nothing about the sarcophagus, so that stung. To be fair to Marc, he had no assurance that Steven was going to give the front back if things got ugly, which had a very high chance of happening in a wide open area where there are tens of armed goons. Eventually he did let him front, but that was in a more peaceful position (as far as they knew), where Steven wasn’t going to get shot at. But ah. Pettiness. 

This beginning sequence, Layla talking to Steven, is both of them vocalizing their issues with Marc, who “isn’t there to hear”. And Layla starts with “we’re gonna need Marc”, but as soon as Steven points out that he was being kinda rude to her - “Hadn’t he disappeared from your life already?” it turns into bonding through hate. 

As patient as Layla is, it is definitely not the easiest thing sticking by someone who seems to actively get in the way of doing that. Someone who refuses to talk, who just keeps everything to himself, and now he disappeared for months and his only explanation is “welp whatever guess I fucked up now huh I guess we’re not okay now oops”. Steven is everything Marc isn’t, just like Marc is everything Steven isn’t. Steven is honest and forthcoming with his words while Marc is closed off and expresses his affection through actions and small gestures. Marc is usually stoic, single-focused, while Steven goes on a million tangents as soon as anyone mentions anything Egypt-related. After Layla spent however long she did with Marc and got so used to his antics that eventually they’ve become a thing she speaks negatively about when angry, meeting Steven, someone who is the opposite of all those annoying habits, is truly refreshing. 

This is not me justifying her kissing Steven. I feel like that’s a more complicated thing than the show allows it to be, and we can’t be certain about why Layla did it or how she felt, we don’t actually know her history with Marc. 

But it may be possible that she just misses him? 

Yeah she understands the alter thing and that Steven is not Marc, but... “You smell like him”, “you look like him”, and Marc’s most annoying habits are turned opposite, almost endearing because of how genuine Steven is... 

All I’m saying is, there is probably a long conversation about this once all the tension dies down. And I hope we get to see it! 

And despite everything, Marc still is worried for Steven. Every time Marc demands the front it’s when Steven is getting himself into a situation that Marc could handle better. But that has been this entire “mission” - this is Marc’s expertise, Steven was only really needed for figuring out the code for the sarcophagus. Everything else has been proven to be out of his depth, including handling a fight. So perhaps out of spite – not letting Marc do things the “violent” way, or out of pettiness – giving Marc a taste of his own medicine, not being allowed to front, Steven is not going to let himself be underestimated again. Not like he’s been his entire life, at his job, or by Marc, or Khonshu – Steven is going to get things done his way. 

And Marc understands that. He’s been watching Steven be put down, walked over and misnamed for far too long. And maybe there was little guilt in Marc when he gave Steven the front last episode. Maybe he realized he treated Steven the way that all those awful people did. And when Steven put his foot down, declaring that this was now his mission, Marc saw something a little different in Steven. 

So while he’s been protecting him this entire time, Marc realized his mistake in underestimating Steven. And when Steven doesn’t even flinch at “If you are gonna go through with this, you gotta be smart. For Layla’s sake”, Marc’s only reply is reassurance - “I’m here [in case you feel outnumbered], you’re not alone”. 

(And personally I love how Marc says “I’ll throw us, oFF A CLIFF”. It’s sad that right after he says “I’m here” Steven just bites back with “I’ve got Layla”. Like “I have the trust of someone you fucked up your relationship with, how does that feel?”. It’s an understandable anger from Steven, but... he really does not get the full picture. And I’ve seen Marc’s reaction be called jealousy, which might be a part of it, but the sting of a person he thinks he’s been protecting by distancing himself from being so enamored with what Marc must think of as “his better version”, it’s just... 

It hurts. And what hurts me is what if Marc thinks that Steven and Layla together is better for the both of them? What if Marc takes himself out of the picture on purpose, just so he can see the two people he loves the most be happy together, without his involvement, without him “fucking things up”? 

… Episode 5 happens though. And even if Marc would try to make this happen, Steven wouldn’t allow it. 

(Even now, when it’s just Steven and Layla, and Marc isn’t peeking into their conversation through any reflection, even when Layla is the one that leans into the kiss, Steven backs away with almost a scared look in his eyes and blurts out “Marc is trying to protect you”. Even full of spite and anger and pettiness, Steven almost automatically says “Marc isn’t a shitty guy”, because that’s what he’s slowly starting to realize. 

It’s been steadily happening over time. How he reacted to Harrow’s speech about Khonshu, how he gave up the front to Steven mid-fight, how he let Steven do his thing with the sarcophagus map, how he did try to reassure Steven that he’s not alone and Marc is always there if the worst case scenario happens. It’s all the little moments Steven noticed that made him believe the first thing Marc told him – “I am protecting [Layla]”. So Steven tells her what Marc can’t - that he still very deeply cares for her. 

So in Steven’s head, the kiss is less to replace Marc and more because they like each other as people. Overall, a decent way out of an impossible situation. 

(Even if Marc doesn’t necessarily agree.) 

(The fact that pure spite and anger was strong enough to take over just one hand for a single punch is just... Yeah I accept that as the only time in-universe rules are broken.)) 

And despite that, when Marc appears in a reflection again, he doesn’t seem pissed off. In fact, I think he’s missing a line in the few he says. A “Thank you”. 

I feel like I re-say this every episode but Marc truly does not understand words. He does not know how to properly express what he feels in words, that’s why his actions are important, they speak to his inner world. So Steven saying what Marc couldn’t - that he’s protecting Layla and him pushing her away wasn’t because he suddenly decided he “wants his life back” - it’s a meaningful moment to Marc. Someone understanding what he can’t do and then doing that thing for him is probably a first from Steven. 

Steven being kind to Marc is a first. 

Just... Them <3 

And now we get on a depression train that’s not gonna stop for a while, buckle in! 

First time Harrow made Layla doubt the whereabouts of her father’s death, she asked Marc about it and he immediately said everything was false. And yes that conversation could count as a fight but it’s nothing they haven’t experienced before – Layla learning something new about Marc and being frustrated about it. 

But this time Harrow gave details. That Marc was at the site, that her father was at the site and that scarf that Layla would know he died with. Marc can’t escape with lies again, he can’t say it doesn’t matter because Layla isn’t believing it again. Because even if Marc wasn’t the one that killed her father, “[he] was there”.  

Layla is done with the lies, it’s honestly surprising she wasn’t done with them way before, but this is twice now the same lie Marc has been trying to tell her is related to her father. All that time together, marriage, partnership, perhaps even being the only person there for each other – and Marc never mentioned that he knew something about her father’s death. His worst habit, his lying, the thing that she experienced the most of and what caused the two of them the most pain – it comes back, just once more, to make them lose everything. 

It hurts, knowing what’s ahead, but it is truly exceptional how much it hurts. 

That Marc has to speak, he has to tell exactly how it went down, him sharing secrets is bringing unimaginable pain but he can’t soften the blow, he can’t cut himself off now, he wants to tell Layla “It’s not worth recalling, you don’t need to know”, but he knows her, he knows how much her father means to her, he knows he’s the only one that can say what truly happened and he has to because if he doesn’t do it now he never will. 

Layla shoves him and he shifts right back, “You brought a killer right to him”, he can only nod, he can only accept that her hate and her anger and her “You just had a guilty conscience” accusation is the late punishment he is receiving for his actions. He can’t explain that their entire relationship isn’t him just doing penance, that he genuinely loves her and would give her the world, but he can’t give back what he took from her, that he will never forgive himself and will never stop trying to save her more pain than he has already caused her. 

He doesn’t even get the chance. 

The Sarcophsystem is killed. 

(Oh. Oh no I hope I’m wrong. 

Why didn’t Jake front to protect the system from death? 

There’s definitely the aspect of there being just way too much to handle, that no matter what kind of power you have you couldn’t get out of that situation alive (or not horribly wounded). But there is a mystical power that could manage that. 

One that. 

Seems. 

To come. 

As a prerequisite. 

To. 

Jake. 

Lockley. 

What if it is exactly that. Yes yes Jake can see what’s happening and he may understand that it’s hopeless but this is not the first “hopeless” situation the system has gotten itself into. Episode 6, how the hell do you recover enough from your soul being sucked out of your body to take out a horde of goons and a person that holds the power of an almighty god? Yes yes Khonshu armor gud, BUT JAKE IS A HUGE PART OF THAT MIRACULOUS FIX. Steven had that armor, Marc had that armor, and yet as soon as Jake took the stage, it apparently didn’t even take that long for the situation to be dealt with. With how Layla reacts when Marc and Steven return, it’s not impossible to think it was just a blink of an eye (CUE THE COMIC ACCURATE WAVY MUMMY STRIP ARMOR THAT REALLY LOOKS LIKE IT COULD TAKE CARE OF A BUNCH OF PEOPLE AT ONCE). 

What if Jake can only handle things when he has Khonshu’s armor. Or his protection, encouragement, WHAT IF POST CREDITS SCENE IS MORE THAN JUST KHONSHU TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE SYSTEM. What if the only reason Jake is protecting the system or bothering to is because of a deal he made with Khonshu? 

What if the Jake alter appeared because of Khonshu? 

Yes I know Khonshu had something to do with Marc’s brother dying, but why the fuck would that stupid bird take notice of a completely ordinary child? IT’S PROBABLY SOMETHING SEASON 2 EXPLAINS BUT COME ON. 

If we take all the facts as we have them now, it is hauntingly pointing towards Jake only being there because of Khonshu. Protecting the system because of Khonshu, because of a deal, because of something that prevented Jake from defending the system from death when they didn’t have Khonshu’s power. 

You cannot begin to fathom how much I hope I’m wrong. From what I’ve seen of people talking about the comics and Jake he has nothing to do with Khonshu pre-Marc making a deal with him, Jake is another alter like Steven, appearing because of severe childhood trauma and serving a purpose that’s mainly “protecting the system like they weren’t when they were kids”, but what other fricking explanation is there. 

Alps was a death situation. THE GUYS HAD GUNS, Jake pops in then, pops in with the car chase, one wrong swerve they were all dead. 

Cairo chase was also death, THE GUYS HAD KNIVES, Jake pops in then! 

You’re telling me Jake “I’ll take care of this fight for you Steven!” Lockley wasn’t going to even try getting them out of that situation? 

You’re telling me Jake “I’ll take the uncomfortable ride through this bumpy car with these people that really want us dead for you Marc!” Lockley wasn’t going to front to at least take the pain of the gunshot?! 

You’re telling me Jake “I’ll kill this evil bastard that wants us dead for you guys because I know you’re not gonna do it because you don’t want that on your conscience!” Lockley just- 

JUST LET THEM DIE LIKE THAT?! 

AND NOW I’M JUST THINKING OF HIM KNOWING HOW TO GET OUT OF THE AFTERLIFE. Like he’s obviously buddy-buddy with Khonshu, you think the birb talked to him more and explained the afterlife and how to come back to life to him?! YOU’RE TELLING ME THE MORE REASONABLE OPTION TO EXPLAIN THIS IS JUST “KHONSHU SAID TO FREE HIM BECAUSE HE AND JAKE KNEW OF A WAY TO DIE AND COME BACK TO LIFE WITH MINIMAL EFFORT BUT IT REQUIRES KHONSHU TO BE NOT BOUND TO STONE”?! 

WHY WOULD THE BIRD THEN TAKE THE RISK OF BEING BOUND, WHAT IF SOMEONE SHOT THE SYSTEM AS SOON AS HE WAS A ROCK BIRB?! 

DID KHONSHU ALSO KNOW HOW TO APPEAL TO OSIRIS SO HE WOULD LET THEM THROUGH THE GATES?! 

HOW MUCH DOES JAKE KNOW OF THE AFTER LIFE!!!! 

Oh my LORD. 

Okay. Great. Amazing. We have two explanations. 

Jake had a deal with Khonshu before Marc even knew he existed. Great. Cool. Jake only protects the system when Khonshu is there to give him immortality armor. Yeah. This sounds really stupid now that I say it out loud. 

BUT THE ALTERNATIVE IS THAT KHONSHU TOLD JAKE BASICALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT THE ENNEAD AND HOW IT WORKS, HOW TO MANIPULATE TAWERET TO TURN THE BOAT AROUND SO THEY WOULD BE HEADING TOWARDS THE GATES OF OSIRIS, THEN EXPLAINED HOW TO APPEAL TO OSIRIS SO HE LETS THEM BACK INTO LIFE, AND IT ALL HINGED ON KHONSHU NOT BEING BOUND TO STONE SO THE HEALING ARMOR CAN REVIVE THEM – AND THEN THE STONE AGE FUCKING PREHISTORIC DINOSAUR WENT AND GOT HIMSELF TURNED INTO A STUPID PLAGUE DOCTOR STATUE?! 

I- 

It makes so much sense I hate it. 

I hate- 

Oh my lord. 

Basically: 

Khonshu: “If there ever comes a time when you can’t get out of a difficult situation, dying is a valid option!” 

Jake: “WhAt.” 

I just. 

I want a season 2. 

I WANT THEM TO EXPLAIN SO MUCH SHIT- 

GodDAMMIT. 

(AND THE SCALES BALANCE HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE SCALES BALANCE THAT’S NOT SOME SORT OF FORMULA YOU CAN JUST MEMORIZE TO REPEAT IT EASILY WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUU-)) 

Aight that’s episode 4. 

I knooooow the beginning of the hospital is this episode’s end, but I have the intro written already and I wanna start with it so the only thing I can really is the way Steven was screaming inside the sarcophagus seemed really alarmed. This is one of two pieces of evidence towards my “Steven is claustrophobic” theory, and there’s not much beyond it. But I guess it’s just a little bit about Steven, and these little things end up doing the most for characterization, so it’s a win! 

And before diving head-first into episode 5, I have to say that for all the love I have for this show, I can’t ignore its worse sides. My focus is the writing, not the matter of whether it’s good representation or not, but scrolling through tumblr it’s inevitable to read people’s reviews. 

And just judging it by rep... it’s mixed at best. 

They avoided using proper DID terminology, avoided using the actual term itself, characters repeated insults usually thrown at systems that are used to discredit DID, and the show didn’t disprove them (when it should have, adamantly), it used the classic annoyingly unrealistic “alters talk through reflections” thing, they didn’t have a conversation about DID where it was plainly said that systems are people same as otherwise neurodivergent persons are, all really important to hear to a mainstream audience that’s been fed bad and false representation for a long time, now taking the show as high authority in the conversation. 

I admire the writing. It fell really short on representation. 

So there is room for improvement. And thank fuck there is, if it was an astronomical disaster in every aspect imaginable, it would be a lot more difficult to convince a studio such as Marvel to give it another shot with tweaks that the fans and community suggested. And that would affect their opinion on trying to represent other marginalized groups. (I know a lot of people think that would be a good thing, but there has to be something to balance out the misinformation of media in the past. The stigma has to be rooted out, and Marvel is using their platform like a huge multi-media corporation should. All of their research matched the insane resources they have for it, so they can dedicate even more to get it just right.) 

A verdict of good or bad is too final for a show that tackled a long misrepresented topic of an experience that is very different for each person. And looking back on people’s opinions when the announcement of Moon Knight came out... 

We all expected much worse, didn’t we? 

Like as soon as we saw “MARVEL is making a show about a CHARACTER THAT HAS DID”, we all expected the worst of the worst, that it was going to be such bad representation it would put Split to shame. 

So if nothing else, those expectations are shattered. For better, for worse, for somewhere in the middle. 

So whatever comes first, season 2 or a movie appearance, let’s hope that they at least start using the terms that any simple tumblrite can find and easily remember within 20 minutes of scrolling. 

(Let’s hope) 

Episode 5 my friend, my fiend. 

Episode 5

Sad train go choo choo

The entire episode is switching from Taweret’s boat sailing through Duat where the Sarcohpsystem chose to see the afterlife as a psychiatric hospital, and the headspace of the system which is an office inside the hospital where Arthur Harrow is their psychiatrist. When and why the alters switch in to the headspace is directly related to what happens in the hospital scenes.

Our first look at the hospital isn’t even its interior – it’s a really cool transition from the system dying to a scene from the movie “Tomb Buster”, which eventually zooms out to reveal the pristine white castle of callbacks. A lot of the first four episodes is referenced here, which is in line with the hospital being an imagined human comprehension of the journey to the afterlife on a boat that contains all of one’s life’s memories. It’s all what Marc, Steven and Jack have witnessed in the lives we’ve seen them live. The first irregularity is when Marc, in a wheelchair, is put in front of a reflective glass wall and calls out to Steven, who doesn’t respond.

This irregularity is the beginning of the eventual culmination of the ending.

Marc doesn’t remember anything. To him, at this point, everything is a blur because the medicine is making him numb and his memories are messed up enough for him to not realize that this isn’t where he should be. But Marc’s first instinct when looking at a reflection is to call out to Steven. However messed up his memories and recollection is at this point, Steven has been with him for so long that it’s more odd to not see him. Faced with a new, utterly confusing environment, Marc looks to Steven for stability and to be a voice of reason.

The figurine of Moon Knight plus everything in the office is reminding Marc of things he doesn’t have a recollection of. Even Harrow himself tells the issue Marc is having currently - “[He] can’t differentiate between what’s real and what’s in [his] head”. He vaguely remembers dying, his last “real” memory was being shot, but the hospital and everything he sees is real too. It’s like two sets of memories explaining the same timeline are merging in Marc’s head and the surrealness is almost taking a physical toll on his body. He can barely move his mouth to speak, he can barely turn his head, but things become clearer. As Harrow speaks, he references Marc’s actual life, and the more “real” that life seems, the less dazed Marc becomes. Paraphrasing, but “The same thing may mean more than what it does at first look” - and in a castle of references to his past life, Marc takes those words to heart. “Everything reminds me... [of my life]”.

And then Harrow mentions Steven.

As far as Marc knew, he never existed. One set of memories said he did, one set said otherwise, and in a desperate attempt to “organize” his memories, Steven was put in the unreal category.

But then Harrow confirms Steven is real. And there is a visible shift in Marc as his reality switches from the hospital to the traumatizing experience of dying. He is no longer dazed as the fake memories that tried to control him wash away and everything comes into focus. He is dead. And this is real.

And Marc’s reaction to “Doctor” Harrow is to get the hell away from him – the reaction differs for all alters, and it is again a callback to their characters. Marc runs – like he runs to protect people from him, because everyone is safer when they are miles away from him (in his mind).

It’s fitting that he runs right into Steven, someone he can’t run to protect. Someone who actually prevented him from running from them, someone who constantly reminded him of his worst parts, someone who stole the front first opportunity they got and stubbornly refused to give it back even in a life-or-death situation.

And someone who was kind to him. Someone who understood him well enough to know he could never say how much he cared to Layla, and did it for him instead of taking Layla’s affections for granted.

And come on, Marc cares about Steven. How could Marc know that Steven would exist in this weird hospital with him? There was probably fear in him that he might never see Steven again.

So relief comes in hugs.

And Steven could have gone through a similar thing. Seeing yourself die, losing consciousness, and then suddenly, “awake”, able to move but restricted by something. Realizing what it is, realizing that there is no Marc to be heard anywhere, scared out of one’s mind in a confusing and incomprehensible environment, feeling short of oxygen, unable to take a deep enough breath – and then someone hears your shouts. The box opens, and in front of you stands the person you called out to first – Marc.

Hugging. 1+ win.

Actual episode 5 starts with a lot of screaming and MARC in the office headspace.

(I saw the official director’s notes on who was fronting during this scene and aaaaAAAAAAAAA)

The pendulum Harrow speaks of is the spaces of the hospital (Duat) and the impulsively-created headspace of the office. Sense and nonsense are just fancy words for reality and fantasy, so neither space is fantasy – both are real things that are happening to the system. They’re just not happening for all of the alters of the system. When one of them clocks out of the Duat reality, they go straight to “Doctor” Harrow’s office, where presumably they’ve caught him up on the “nonsense” that’s been happening.

And to Marc, the “nonsense” appears to be the medicine-induced hallucinations of Taweret. That, coupled with the fact that he has a broken nose - “sedated because of his own behaviour” seems a likely scenario, and explanation to what is occuring. More and more, “sense” seems like the office and him being “insane”, while the “nonsense” is what the meds are forcing him to see.

And that’s why it takes him a while to accept that he is dead.

(And why he tries to hurt himself so he is removed from therapy for bodily injuries. He would rather live in “nonsense” than face talking about Randall.)

Marc remembers being shot, and thinks they’re dead. But then, in the headspace, it’s almost as if he is waking up from being sedated, and Harrow confirms that. So because he only returns to the “nonsense” after being injected again, he assumes that Taweret is a hallucination of the meds – and then he clings to that. His scream was relief that he isn’t dead, that he is simply in a psychiatric hospital and him being on medication clears up why Steven is outside of his body.

Which isn’t a relief, when he thinks about it. A lot of things have happened to Marc, including but not limited to meeting and being possessed by an actual god, “turning back” the sky several thousand years to a specific night when a pharaoh's tomb’s location was marked on pieces of cloth so the gods that imprisoned a world-ending deity could find it if they decided to show mercy, fighting a mythical fricking jackal. Marc, a guy who’s only coping mechanism to anything traumatic in his life is just letting someone else live life while he watches through reflections, hasn’t properly processed any of his life, let alone the one that started with Khonshu.

So when Taweret says they’re dead, he thinks that he’s just lost it. The more she speaks, the more insane everything seems, the more Marc believes that he’s insane, the more the psych ward is real, the more sarcastic he is about everything that’s happening. It’s like an “Oh wow my brain is subtle”.

That’s why he calls them insane. Because that’s how he feels, after everything that’s happened to him, that he is simply out of his mind. He may not be crazy, but it’s untruthful to claim that everything he’s been through isn’t maddening.

So being dead is the better alternative. “I’m not crazy [, I wasn’t finally put in a mental hospital, I am still sane] (mostly)”. The fear that he holds for that is just heartbreaking.

And I guess this is a good a time as any to talk about “balance” and what it means.

And since the show offers no explanation, we turn to Wikipedia!

<…>

Maat refers to the ancient Egyptian concepts of truth, balance, order, harmony, law, morality, and justice. [...]

In the Duat, the Egyptian underworld, the hearts of the dead were said to be weighed against her single "Feather of Maat", symbolically representing the concept of Maat. […] If the heart was found to be lighter or equal in weight to the feather of Maat, the deceased had led a virtuous life and would go on to Aaru [The Field of Reeds].

[…] While the heart was weighed the deceased recited the 42 Negative Confessions as the Assessors of Maat looked on.

Egyptians were often entombed with funerary texts [Where those 42 Negative Confessions were written] in order to be well equipped for the afterlife […]. These often served to guide the deceased through the afterlife, and the most famous one is the Book of the Dead or Papyrus of Ani. The lines of these texts are often collectively called the "Forty-Two Declarations of Purity". These declarations varied somewhat from tomb to tomb as they were tailored to the individual […]. They appear to express each tomb owner's individual practices in life to please Maat, as well as words of absolution from misdeeds or mistakes, made by the tomb owner in life, which could be declared as not having been done, and through the power of the written word, wipe particular misdeed from the afterlife record of the deceased.

<…>

So that thing Harrow said about “doing penance”...

It is a valid af way of dodging a plunge into the Duat.

Which makes Egyptian mythology kinda similar to Christianity? You know, as long as you beg for forgiveness, you will be granted it? (Egyptian myths came first though...)

So balance isn’t actually weighing your good actions against your bad ones, “weighing your scales” is just you trying your best to absolve yourself of responsibility for your bad actions.

Which suggests that it doesn’t matter how many good or bad things you do in life. Even one bad thing can weigh down your scales and even with a million bad things you can just get out of it. And anyone can know the right words to say. It’s just a matter of whether you want to or not. A good person accidentally doing something bad can condemn themselves to eternal suffering because they feel they deserve it, and a mass-murderer can go to the Field of Reeds because they felt that they did the right thing.

Harrow can very realistically go to Aaru. Marc can very realistically be condemned to the Duat.

So this journey of “revealing everything to each other” is important because Marc is unbalanced. He holds the weight of a guilt that’s spanned most of his life, the guilt of his mercenary work, the guilt of his service to Khonshu, the guilt of pushing Layla away.

Marc would fly into the Duat before he could swear in response. But Steven is confusing the scales by being balanced.

If that changes – if Marc becomes balanced or Steven becomes unbalanced – the scales would make their judgement.

So how does this get solved?

First the cafeteria. A room filled with all of the people Marc ever killed in his entire life. And Steven is horrified at first, “Surely not... All of them?”. And Marc’s voice betrays him – it trembles, like its unsure of the words its speaking, like it’s something Marc tried telling himself to ease his guilt, but now that he’s saying it out loud to someone else, it just feels stupid. “They were criminals, murderers, predators. The worst of the worst. [They deserved it.]”

But Steven’s only question is “You remember each person?”, he asks almost in disbelief.

And Marc retorts with “You try taking a life. [Of course I remember each person,] see how quickly you forget [that you’re responsible for a person not existing anymore]”. It’s an admission of a deep guilt, a confession that he can’t forget the faces because he’ll never forget that he is a murderer.

That was not what Steven thought of him. No remorse was a look that fit Steven’s image of him.

And even though Steven doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even indicate any sort of response, Marc trails off. “Kept wishing one of them would kill me instead” - but that’s a thought he’s never said out loud. He’s kept his guilt to himself, kept his wishes of failure locked in his heart. And once he says them, it’s like a little of that weight is lifted.

He admits his guilt. And that’s step one.

And how their mother treats Marc and Randall is very little in difference, but it’s there. Marc says “He drew the fish with only one fin!”, laughing because it was cute. Immediately their mom turns around and says “Be nice to your little brother!” like he’d said something bad. Parents favoring or being more gentle with the younger sibling is an unfortunate thing in families. It creates a bad dynamic right off the bat, makes two kids that should be best friends unbalanced in the hierarchy of “parent attention”.

And then their father says “Don’t be gone too long boys”, while their mom singles out Marc specifically “You keep an eye on your brother [you take responsibility for him, you be smart and mature when it comes to his safety, you don’t let him get hurt]”. I know that’s a lot to glean from one sentence, but that’s how older siblings have to be with the youngest. No matter what’s the age gap, you’re older, so you’re automatically more responsible and the parents hold you more accountable when something bad happens. And even though they’re both kids, this is the dynamic their mom thrust upon them – that Marc is older, therefore more mature, therefore he’s cooler, therefore he should be listened to more, therefore he should be questioned less.

It’s very small things, and they don’t usually lead to a tragedy, but Randall and Marc were never equal playmates. And in their mother’s eyes, they weren’t equally worthy children.

Living through the memory of Randall dying is traumatic for Marc, but it doesn’t send him into a full breakdown. So he remembers it often – the catalyst that turned his mother into a grief-stricken monster and made her “the nucleus of his personality”.

(Harrow is unfortunately very on point with everything he says.)

She doesn’t even consider that it was an accident. She immediately blames Marc – somewhere in her head, that seems reasonable. Again, the mature, older one, and the sweet little innocent baby that was Randall, even though they looked at most 3 years apart.

Marc’s 11th birthday is ruined because she doesn’t show up. Either because she would rather pretend she doesn’t have a son or because she can’t face the “monster” that is Marc in her eyes.

But his 12th birthday she shows up just to ruin it. And it wasn’t the first time it’s happened – Marc almost anticipates it, his smile disappearing as soon as she starts speaking, as if he only put on a happy façade to assure dad that everything is okay. And all it takes is one sentence “I should’ve known you would do something like this” - even after 2 years, she talks about it so often she doesn’t need to clarify anything for Marc to throw his hat (his stress response – something violent) and immediately run to his room – not biting back tears, just sheer frustration that she ruins yet another thing that was supposed to be special.

And then Marc pulls Steven away. He pulls him away from the room where Steven first appeared. Marc doesn’t even say anything, just “That’s it, Steven” - like it was bad that he was trying to learn about Marc. Or, more accurately, it’s bad that he isn’t letting Marc protect him from the knowledge that he was just something Marc used to endure their mother.

But Steven desperately needs to know. Even though “That’s not what she was like”, he needs to know why Marc’s memories are like this, why he remembers her that way – Steven needs to get to the nucleus of his own personality. Because he still believes that he’s “the original”, he needs to know what exactly happens that makes their mind split. And Marc is actively getting in the way of that – it is still protection from something he knows will devastate Steven, who has for the entire series said that “You should be gone soon”. Marc knows there’s no getting rid of either of them and he can’t bear to see Steven realize that because he thinks Steven hates him.

Marc would think that everyone hates him. Steven, Layla, the people he’s killed, the people that are going to be killed because he failed a mission, everyone in the entire world must hate him – because what is there to not? What about him isn’t shameful, what good has he done to rectify all the guilt for his horrible actions? Everything that he and Steven are living through right now is just more reasons to hate him.

But Marc doesn’t pull Steven away from that. He lets him see the dig site, lets him see how he accepts Khonshu’s deal, the only thing he pulls Steven away from is what he thinks will be the most painful for Steven – the realization that they are stuck together. Forever bound, the man who can never gain redemption, and the unfortunate soul that has to carry that weight with him.

If Steven realizes that they are alters of the same system, the guilt of Marc’s actions is on his hands too. What Marc has done, the fault of Steven too. For enabling, for not stopping him, for whatever reason Steven will inevitably think up – Marc will have another soul he destroyed on his conscience.

Marc would rather Steven hate him.

Marc would rather take “Wouldn’t put it past you [to kill hostages]” than Steven see their mother like that.

Marc would rather say “Or it was a way for me to keep being what I’ve always been. A killer” than let Steven enter the room where both of their lives changed forever.

...But then Steven does a Steven thing.

“He was manipulating you from the start.”

Even in emotional turmoil, even in a high-stress situation, even annoyed and angry at Marc, confused and frustrated why Marc is blocking him so hard, Steven finds a way to say just the right words.

“[I don’t hate you.]”

It still takes Harrow spelling it out for Marc to realize why Steven is so adamant.

“[Don’t you think Steven deserves to know he’s your protector?]”

…

The first moment of Steven’s existence is denial. Marc desperately trying to convince himself his mother is not the monster behind that door, that his mom is gone, that the one banging on that door is not and cannot be the same woman that was his mother for 10 years.

And Steven doesn’t even hear the door being bashed on. He cleans the little mess of a pencilholder being thrown on the floor.

“When danger is near, Steven Grant has no fear”

Marc is able to not experience the anxiety and fear of his mother breaking down his door because Steven can front. Steven can focus on something unimportant, something like a few pencils that hold no meaning against the big picture of his abuser getting angrier with every second his door stays up.

Marc never had a safe place. In every corner of the house, his mother could find him. He couldn’t hide, he couldn’t protect himself – he could only run. He could run to his room, close his door, and let Steven live the life he wished for – just being a kid noticing something insignificant in his room and playing with it until mom would call him.

Marc’s only safe place was their inner world. The front was an obligation he had to do to keep Steven innocent.

Just so Steven could live a “Simple, happy, normal life”.

Because the “point of him” was to give Marc hope.

Hope that never existed.

Hope that Marc had to lie for.

That’s what Steven is. That’s what is at his core. A life of lies, of denial, of ignorance, of empty hope, of a devastatingly tragic image of optimism in the face of catastrophe.

Marc’s nucleus was the grief-stricken monster that made him become the person that he is.

Steven’s nucleus was realizing that mother never existed to him.

“My mom is dead.”

…

At that moment, seeing the emotional turmoil that their mother’s death brought to Marc, and seeing him switch so forcefully just to escape, Steven finally understood. It finally, fully clicked what he was to Marc.

And how much he meant to him.

“It wasn’t your fault."

“You were just a child.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

…

The scales don’t balance.

The unbalanced souls of the Duat rise from the sand to claim the “sinners” from the boat.

And they overwhelm Marc immediately.

Steven, without hesitation, turns the boat to give Marc a chance to get back to his feet.

But he is unable to.

"If I'm you...

That means I've got this too."

If Marc could survive a mother like that, Steven has it in him to protect Marc.

This was the simple turning point for Steven. Where he finally realized his potential. Where he finally stopped hesitating and started doing what he thinks is right.

And Marc deserves a protector.

Steven charges in, with nothing but a stolen bat, and takes out everyone who is an immediate danger to Marc.

He has a proud smile on his face. Gives a thumbs up.

And his heart sinks as a soul grabs Marc from behind.

His legs move on their own, running towards Marc as he shouts his name.

He grabs the soul.

And is pulled overboard.

The scales balance.

…

Steven was like a little brother to Marc.

Randall chose to follow Marc into the cave, knowing it was a bad idea.

His death was blamed on Marc, who was lucky to get out alive himself.

Marc’s entire personality was shaped by this event.

By losing a part of himself, Marc became incomplete.

“Something created to punish the world.”

It was his fault the people he killed as a mercenary were dead.

It was his fault those Khonshu wanted dead were killed by his hand.

It was his fault innocent people were caught in the crossfire of his partner.

But it was not his fault Steven was dead.

Steven, the alter that helped Marc survive his mother.

Steven, the one who was always there, alive, full of hope.

Steven, Marc’s first protector.

The “point” of Steven was to give Marc hope.

Hope that never existed.

Hope that Marc had to lie for.

Hope that he would’ve died to defend.

Hope that told him “I don’t hate you”.

Hope that said “It wasn’t your fault”.

And this time it wasn’t.

And Marc could begin to believe.

“It’s not my fault”.

The scales balance.

Aaru.

#moon knight #MKSRA #marc spector #jake lockley #steven grant #moon knight spoilers #mk spoilers #moon knight episodes #mk episodes

[gordvendomewhore]

For the ask game <3

A - Ships that you currently like a lot. (They don’t have to be OTPs because not everyone has OTPs.) Friendships, pairings, threesomes, etc. are allowed.

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)?

J - Name a fandom you didn’t think about until you saw it all over Tumblr. (You don’t have to care about it or follow it; it just has to be something that Tumblr made you aware of.)

heyyy thank you for the ask teehee 🤭🤭 ik i literally reblogged this from your account LMAO so thank you, this was very considerate

i'm going to be answering most of these in regards to bully :)

these responses are gonna be a bit long so strap your boots on cowboys

A - ships i currently like

i am alwayssss thinking about bif/derby (berby 🥺) because they are my BOYS!! however, lately i was talking to my s/o about a post i made about unlikely prep ships (that apparently doesn't fucking exist because i couldn't find it again and had a mental breakdown over it), it reminded me of my love for bryce/vance!!!

when the bully discord was still a thing, me and my friends talked about unlikely ships and how u can basically ship... any two characters together. i don't remember how exactly we landed on bryce/vance, but it made sense to me and really settled into my heart lol. idk how to justify it other than wow! it just works. but if someone wants to know more, pls do feel free to send me an ask

other than that, i've really been into bryce/chad recently... they wrestle at night :)))

C - a ship i will never like

bro don't burn me at the stake for this, but there is one ship i just do not get behind, and anyone who knows me will know it but...

smopkins.

when i first played bully, which was two years ago, it was me revisiting it YEARS after i first discovered it as a young kid, and so i actually knew what shipping was lol. the first ship that came to mind for me was petey/gary, and while that is def popular in its own regard, it really surprised me to see how crazy people were for smopkins.

there's nothing wrong with the ship, i think a lot of art for it is cute (i have a good amount saved), and the fics certainly pack some emotion, but it just didn't click with me, and it never will lmao. and i think some people are too crazy about it, but that goes for ships in every fandom.

other than that, i don't really care for gord/vance. i did at some point, but i'm a jimmy/gord guy myself lol. it's still soooo so cute though.

H - favorite fandom source

well, obviously i like bully a whole lot LMAOO. there's a lot of freedom with the amount of side characters rockstar filled the game with, and they all have a surprising amount of personality put into them. there are endless situations to put all of them in with the small amount we've been given, and often this fandom just doesn't take advantage of it lol

other than bully though, i'm casually into borderlands and i used to have a haikyuu phase, so i check up on those two fandoms occasionally. i also LOVEEEEE the karate kid trilogy and watch the show that's out now (i have my gripes with it but whatever smh). i also like checking up on the rpg ib and one punch man every now and then. oooh and i can't forget detroit: become human.

J - fandom introduced to me through tumblr

uhhh none come to mind if i'm being honest haha. i don't really look at my feed unless i'm bored, so i'm only on tumblr to browse through tags for fandoms i know and post my own content.

i guess i didn't know the homestuck fandom was still active? LMAOOOO

thank you so much for these asks!!! i will make my way through the rest in my inbox <3

#thank you sooo so much #it's really great to get stuff in my inbox #not super bully focused but i'll still tag it #canis canem edit #bully scholarship edition #mine

[confessionsofketamine]

I’ve cried for 7 days.

Probably more. All these emotions inside me I am not used to. All the ways to feel.

I cry in the mornings while everyone is asleep, so they don’t see me cry. Before they wake up, I wash my face dry and put on my eyeliner, and try to brush my hair. Some days I brush my teeth, but most days I can’t bring myself to do it. Or shower. I don’t want to be wet. I don’t want to dry off. I don’t want my music blaring while I cry in there too, while getting pelted all over the place with fucking water drops that feel like razors. I don’t want to wash and make sure I got all the parts. I just want you.

I cry in the evening when it’s time for bed. Sometimes I take my eyeliner off. Sometimes I don’t. I lay there and think of you and think of us, and then I think of you now, and I think of us now. I don’t even know where we will be month to month. There is no stability. Everything is fucked up. I fall asleep crying. I wake up crying.

I used to park in the garage, and would back in and turn the car off, close the garage door and go inside. I don’t park in the garage because the garage can hold my car, running, with me inside. I watch the garage door go down and once it’s all the way down, I turn off the car. Not this time. It hurts so bad, but you have a child and you have to hang on. It’s like asking me to live in pain and misery forever. I will never do it. I just think about it sometimes. It’s just a thought. No plan, no ideas. Just sometimes I’ll be driving and think “that looks like a good bridge to drive off of”. Intrusive thoughts are fucked up.

I’ve never ugly cried so much in my life. A few months ago was the first time. I was driving down the road and a song I liked came on. I turned it up so loud that I couldn’t even hear myself scream. I drove on the freeway singing at the top of my lungs, screaming!!!! I’m not a screamer. I just started bawling. I had to pull over and cry for a good few minutes because I was crying so hard. There wasn’t even a reason. That day I yelled to whoever would listen “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!! Tell me what to do!!!!”

A few weeks later my period didn’t come, and I had to ask myself what I would do as a 40 something year old with a baby. I decided I’d keep it and that we could raise it together and start a family together even tho that was never in our plans. He didn’t want kids. I thought “this is what I’m supposed to do..be a mom again”. This was October. Around the time he started changing. I was worried that a pregnancy would upset him, but maybe it would make him feel like he has purpose, so I planned to tell him and test with him. It was negative. So was the next, and the next. Eventually my period came and I never told him about the secret two weeks I thought I was pregnant. I even had symptoms. I think I was pregnant but it didn’t stick. If you’ve been pregnant before then you just know what it feels like, and that’s what it felt like. But just as quick as it came, it was gone. My period came almost a month late and it was heavy. So if that wasn’t it, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what my purpose is.

I’ve always felt it was just to make other people happy. That’s all I ever hear is how happy I make other people. People need me to tell me their stories and their secrets and I’m just a big book of information and crazy ass stories of my own. Like this story.

Todays tears are brought to you by the story of a wife, the fear inside her of losing her home, her love, her family, her pets, and everything we have built together. The husband had a nervous breakdown and quit his job to go on this ketamine journey because he couldn’t suffer anymore…and now she’s the one suffering. She’s the one crying herself to sleep every night and crying herself awake for the day, with her wake and bake and coffee. Todays tears…are todays.

#ketamine #marriage #what was i made for #Spotify

[issafterglow]

tranquil - 19th of march

hi !! ummmm okay so to start i only made this blog because

my friends don't use tumblr

i'm trying to avoid bombarding my friends with my pointless ramblings and

someone close to my heart said that if i'm having trouble being vocal about my feelings to other people, either a journal or a blog would be a good tool to utilize so that i don't feel suffocated by my own mind.

ewan ko if i expressed all of that correctly pero that's what i'm here for. to learn how to express my emotions well using a language our colonizers forced upon us :/ kimi! anyway ang dami kong kwento for todays videow since ang dami ring ganap sa life ko lately. i had to enroll for 2nd semester, i started writing again, i went to a beach, and i'm recently trying to get into another book universe.

very hassle ang 2nd semester enrollment namin, i had to wait for weeks para lang makapag enroll because of our stupid school portal. i worried a lot pa na i would spent my whole getaway sa beach worrying about the enrollment kasi yung alis namin for quezon is march 18 then yung last days of enrollment namin is scheduled on march 17-18. march 17 nang tanghali wala parin yung link !!! unfuckingbelievable so nagwoworry na ako kasi, sa 18 aalis kami nang super aga tapos idk how much time it would take pa to arrive at the resort so i was getting anxious but !!!! thankfully nag open yung link around 4 something in the afternoon. i enrolled, finally have a copy of the cor na din BAD NEWS IS: terror profs namin this sem. and this is like legit kasi kinekwentuhan na ako nung kaklase ko from another course about it kaya i had a mental breakdown that same night of march 17. i sort of relapsed, again !!! grabe i was crying my ass off talaga kasi i was thinking the whole time na, uy i have just adjusted from my 1st sem profs, alam ko na galaw nila and then this happened and it looks like this time i have to face scenarios i was trying so hard to avoid for 1st sem. although i am there naman, i am at that part of my life where i want to come out of my comfort zone, hindi ko alam if kaya kong mag commit fully since i'm not exactly at peace with myself just yet. i can already anticipate the amount of relapses i would get. pretty sure mapapahiya ako. and i dont know if i have friends who would still treat me equally if i fuck up over acads so ayun hehehehe uni's so hard. probably new adjustment nanaman for 2nd sem. finals pa namin is birthday ko huhu so ayun. at this point i guess the only thing that i can really do is take the advice of the former students ng prof ko and really devote my life to studying starting now. that's just that. i have to survive and conquer this time.

anyway acads aside,,, life at the beach was fun !!! although we only spent a day and a night out there, it was everything i needed. i forgot my problems for a short while, tapos i made new friends too!! people who are older than me pa ^^ idk if i can still call myself an extrovert pero i swear i love meeting new ppl !!!!! i think i have established a connection with them naman so ayun happy heart nanaman and also new memories agaiiiin :)

very very helpful din yung beach getaway namin for my writer self (wow??? ansaveh) kasi while nasa byahe kami i had time to think about the next step for my story ^^ haddd so much fun with that talaga i love it when i can rack my brain for angsty shit hehehe i have always been anxious about readers' thoughts sa gawa ko when it hasn't even been executed yet. kaya lagi akong nags-stall sa pagsusulat pero ngayon i think i'm gonna push through with this one. it might take a while for me to finish it pero i will get through it. i will. kasi this time i'm only giving a fuck about my opinions alone mwehehehehhehehe. i'm not exactly writing a book but i have been wanting to prove to myself that i can write kahit papano and that i can also touch people's hearts with my words.

speaking of books !!! waaaaah I'M DONE WITH FOLK OF AIR SERIES naiiyak ako why is it so bitin :( i miss jude and cardan fr. di ko muna babasahin yung kay oak kasi wala pa yung 2nd book and i hate cliffhangers !!! so next time !!!! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I READ NEXT?? i was contemplating between a tjr book or another fantasy book but of course i chose the latter and girllllll I AM LOVING THIS. i'm currently reading shadow and bone tapos grabe akala ko it would be all about fae's lang din and shit so i was hesitant diba pero naurrrr it's like medieval with sci-fi stuff in it grabe i love it !! i love grisha people even though i know so little about it palang pero i am already drawn to the universe !!! saya so much i'm gonna read it tonighttt hehehehhehhe ayun lng !!!!

for the life update, ito lang handog ko for now. mom's going to use the pc na !! wish me luck i hope things work out well in the end.

may the stars align.

[writing-is-hard-af]

So... Call Down The Hawk officially broke me. I am screaming. I am not okay. It was so fucking good and I... I just

#*incoherent screaming* #*sobs hysterically* #fucking save me #I need the next book so bad #I’m dying #i have so many questions #I need answers #it is too late at night to be having an emotional breakdown over a book #call down the hawk #maggie stiefvater #dreamer trilogy #how am I gonna make it to the release of the next book #*continues screaming*

[postwarlevi]

Kiwi Meadows

"Soak up the vibrant color of our kiwi fruit, inspiration for your palette all season long."

🥝 Wip List 🥝

Updated Nov/19/2023

Recently finished: Happy Halloween III w/ dad Levi

Also: Firefighter HC with Jean

Currently working on: autumn shorts

*Next up: contributing to my collab and others too.

*Also: starting my first long fic (I hope)

^ *subject to change

Current collabs participating in:

just friends

country living

one night stand

----

** = new add

**Piano Keys You loved listening to Levi play piano, and he needs you more than he'll say after the war is over.

Nice to Meet You Post war Levi meets a sweet woman and her nephew in the park and it soon becomes a daily occurrence.

Old Man Ackerman You move to a new town and your young son gets misinformation about a scary neighbor.

To Be Not to be outdone, the men throw dad to be Levi a Daddy Shower

As You Wish Stable hand Levi gets tasked with teaching a prissy socialite to ride a horse.

Pressure Kiss You're dared by all your friends to just go kiss the Captain already.

Sleepover It's your first time staying the night with Levi.

Tomato For your birthday, the boys try to get you the best gift, and it's Levi who comes up with what you like the most.

Visiting Kuchel Grave You and Levi go visit Kuchels grave. Levi needs a minute so you go on ahead and tell her how you feel about her son.

Proposal Some of the cadets give Levi an idea to ask you to marry him in a cute way.

Holding Hands Multple nights of staying up late getting to know each other better, one night you accidently fall asleep together in the living room and somehow end up closer than when you went to sleep.

Routine How a morning, afternoon, and evening look together during the week.

Open After Levi gets weak while being sick, it's your job to do the hard things, like opening jars.

Jealous A new puppy in the household leaves Levi feeling left out.

Car Ride One night after not being able to sleep, Levi asks if you want to go for a drive instead.

First Both you and Levi are too shy for your own good and it's making your relationship progress slowly. Which while not a bad thing, leaves you both wondering what's okay and how to move forward.

Walk About You and Levi take your new addition out for a morning stroll around the neighborhood.

Dress Up An evening of getting ready to go out together.

Clean Standards After moving in together, you have a breakdown when you think you can't clean up to Levis standards.

Lazy Morning A rare morning of staying in bed, and running back to it when you get up for just a little while.

*Jean fics to also choose from*

Lend You My Shoulder Civilian reader help Jean and Connie with their emotions and meeting with Sashas parents.

Greaser As roller skate waitress and greaser Jean get to know each other, they have to decide how important their reputations are amongst their friend groups.

Meet Cute Meeting a guy named Jean in the produce section when you both keep going for the same thing, turns into an invitation to see each other again.

Easy On Me After separating for months due to some differences you thought you couldn't work out, Jean is the first one in line during the launch of your first book release to show his support, and you realize how much you've missed each other.

When in Rome CEO and dress designer Jean needs his inexperienced assistant to walk the runway in Rome, and you have the best time viewing the city together.

Safe Zone Jean no longer feels compelled to try to shut the world out when he's stressed, because he has you there to protect him.

*Friendship fics that could go towards Levi x reader*

Road Trip The vets drive the cadets to a sporting event and arguments arise about who is riding together, among other things. *might include the sporting event*

*HCs for multiple characters*

Pet Parent

Favorite Fruit

Disney Characters

Road trip Song

Favorite movie stars/movies

*Other character stories*

**Small town life where reader meets a new friend and a certain warrior

**Mentor Miche meeting trainee Sashas family

-----------------------

I'm on the fence about starting these but am leaning more towards yes so, let me know!

Vocal Your young son is not very vocal so his older sister asks about sign language as a way to talk to her brother. As he gets older he turns into a chatterbox but you all still sign with him and each other, which comes in handy when a new family moves in across the street.

Nuture (follow up to Santa Levi) In the months that follow where you and Levi continue to spend time with orphans Gabi and Falco and help them through life, emotions erupt and decisions must be made when a family shows interest in Falco.

Historical au Knight Levi/princess reader As the princess the only job you really have is being set up with a prince from another kingdom, but you want more. Little do you know, knight Levi who agrees to teach you what you want to know, has been watching out for you for a very long time.

-----------------------

These here are upcoming but I'm not ready yet. Here to keep me in line. Open to comments but I'll get to them at a later date.

Make a Wish Dad Levi and family are off to Disney World during your daughters down time in between doctors visits. *tearjerker with positive, hopeful ending*

Silence series w deaf OC Writing out the series into 10 parts plus opening and an extra special chapter.

**Royal au nobleman Levi/unknown reader Outline summarized and written out, idea there but far away still.

3 other planned parts to Iris with post war Levi (I should rename this the taking care of Levi series lol)

-Stay With Me After trying to keep his distance Levi finally let's you help him through his pain and spends all night opening up to you.

-Collide Back to his old ways, you confront Levi about what's going on and he finally talks about and accepts his feelings, leaving you to decide what to do next.

-Unconditionally Levi still has nights of pain flair ups and you convince him you're here to stay no matter what.

Get to know more about me with the blog tags by the Blueberry Bush!

Main page

#main post #wip list #aot #attack on titan #levi ackerman #jean kirstein #eliza writes #eliza ideas #writing

[luvring]

Thinking about felix bottling up his emotions and just. Flat out starting to cry sometimes and mc puts down whatever they're working on to pull him into their lap. He feels so bad that hes so dependent on them right now. Hes always lowkey worried hes too much to deal with and theyll get tired of it one day. How the growing awkwardness between them only makes that feeling stronger. Like its inevitable almost. But pls tell me your hurt comfort scenario I'm all ears 👀

— felix pre-chapter 12 breakdown hcs

note from nia: teehee . every1 be nice or i will feel humiliated because i do not >:( do this format >:( :( cries. this clashes w chapter 12 a little pretend that chapter isn't real for a second. it's like chapter 12 2.0 which i didn't read before writing pFBSSBFHJ

you know how i said felix would try to do something he does regularly with magic and fails which leads him to figuring out something is wrong. yeah. i stand by that

but he's had his fair share of overexerting himself and tries to stay calm since he did...die. maybe it'll just take a little longer this time

but it's been almost a week, too long, and he's getting antsy. so he tries again, something smaller this time

you hear him mutter a quiet "what?" and you turn and ask what's wrong

"i—i can't...it's not working i don't understand what's happening i—" his breathing quickens and he turns to you. he looks confused and so...scared

so you get books. and you keep getting books to read while felix continues attempting different spells and usual fixes that he does

but he gets more and more frustrated and everybody could tell

especially when sage would try to tease him and all felix could do was send a glare. until the day he took it a little too far and felix looked over, telling him to just "shut up already"

it gets awkward. because you all understand why he's so upset but you can't...do anything. just keep trying. keep watching him and making sure he eats and rests, pulling him along to take a bath then sleep, promising to bookmark his pages before joining him. even when the silences that fall between you feel heavy and you feel out of sync

but everything suppressed is bound to explode eventually

looking back, felix is glad at least it was just you two in the room

you had been cooped up in the study for a couple of hours (shorter than usual) when felix speaks

"i think we should stop."

"what? oh it is pretty late, um...you can get ready to sleep then, i'll pack things up. do you want to come back tomorrow afternoon or so? i think we can take at least the morning off."

"no." "...what?" "i said no, mc. i can't—" he lets out a deep sigh and runs his hands over his face, aggravated "—i can't do this anymore. i can't keep searching endlessly for a hint at what's happening to me. i look in the mirror and i see this mark on my chest and it's agonizing and i just...can't."

even now he's hyperaware of the growing symbol, the tingling sensation a constant on his skin

"we'll figure it out. you'll get your magic back soon—"

he'll get it back. it isn't permanent. it'll come back soon. soon, soon—it's all felix has heard and repeated since the first day but

"what if i don't get it back? then what? who am i if not a necromancer? what can i do for the starsworn without my abilities? read? i'm not anisa or sage, magic is—was," his voice strains, "my life. i just—i can't lose it. especially not to some damned god,"

there's spite in his voice as he shuts the book in front of him

he had replayed the moment it scratched him over and over, thinking about what he could have done differently

"if i had just been stronger or faster it wouldn't have gotten me. i would have recovered. i wouldn't be here every night. i'd be able to do the simplest spells that escape me now. i'd be able to look in the mirror without feeling pathetic, bottomless despair. i'm useless."

you reject the last idea immediately (as you should)

but all of his emotions and insecurities are spilling out of him and he can't seem to stop them

"felix you are nowhere near being useless—"

"yes i am. look at me, mc. i—" he raises his arms for a moment only to drop them again. "i can't do anything. if we were attacked right now no one would be able to depend on me. at least not like they could a few weeks ago. i'm a sitting duck just waiting to be shot."

"and you," his voice wavers, tears threatening to spill, "you have to deal with it. with me. you've been dealing with me, for days and days. brought me food, run baths, read even when i got tired, watched me wallow in self-pity. and you shouldn't have had to, mc. it isn't fair."

his voice cracks at the end, and his body is curled in on itself when you first hear him sniffle and finally, finally start crying.

you feel stuck in place as you watch his breathing quicken and body shake. you wonder just how hard he's had to stop himself from doing this any earlier, or if he already has in his time alone

and you know some people don't like being approached when they're crying or breaking down. but he trusts you, the same way he always has

so you take his hands away from his face, wiping away his tears and gently holding his face so he has to look at you

there's an odd mixture of defeat and pain in his eyes

it's all tumbled down now, and what's left is pained vulnerability when he says "i'm sorry. i'm so sorry."

his apologies turn more incoherent as he grabs you and presses his face into your chest

all you can do is hug him tighter and run your fingers through his hair, pressing a kiss to his head every once in a while promising him that "it's okay, i'm here. i'll always be here."

he only cries harder at your reassurances, his guilt and appreciation fighting to overwhelm him. so you tell him "i'm sorry...that you have to go through this. you don't deserve it, felix. and if i could give you my own magic i would, you know? i'm so sorry. i'm here now, promise."

and you continue to remind him that he's still him past the magic and necromancy. that "i'm not going to say that your magic wasn't a big part of you it—it was...is. but i never felt like i had to deal with you not having it."

you didn't fall for him just because of his powers, but because of his kindness and the way he made you laugh, the time he spent helping you, the nights you'd spend just talking to each other, his interests that you embraced and were always intrigued by, the way he would light up when you asked about the novel he was reading,

he clutches your body tighter because even if magic evades him, you're here. you're still here and you're warm and kind and everything he didn't think he deserved. you're here listing reasons to love him, running your hand up and down his back, and he doesn't know what he would have done if you weren't

#🛒nia.reqs #last legacy #fictif felix #last legacy headcanons #felix escellun #last legacy felix #felix escellun x reader #fictif #smh writing felix dialogue is so #yeah #why do u talk like that silly goose!! #i dont like this #but ur getting it!! #i want 2 hug him...

[busdriver-55]

Featuring Mental Illness

Before we begin, I just wanted to say that this fic rec post is actually pretty personal. Now I don't claim to have experienced every condition/illness/struggle mentioned in every single fic I put on here - because that's just not true. But the idea for this post came after I had a pretty rough weak in terms of my own mental state, and since I personally find reading stuff that's relatable to me - a form of therapy, I couldn't help thinking that I'm probably not the only one. I hope those of you that are going through something right now, find something, and to everyone that's just looking for recs - well the fics on here are pretty amazing so I'd recommend them one way or another.... Also this will be getting updated.

Where is My Mind? by @p0lkadotdotdot: They say, monitor. They mean babysitter. Some poor schmuck whos sole purpose for the next month is to be her shadow. Like a court-ordered playdate. She wants to argue that it’s not necessary, that she isn’t so unstable that she needs someone following her around all day but then she remembers the feel of the pills sticking in her throat and the steel slicing through her wrists. Rey closes her mouth. Ben. She say's his name is Ben. Worried for her safety, Rey is taken to a state of the art mental health and rehabilitation facility in Vermont. She's fine. She knows she's fine. She just wished everyone else around her could see it too. (depression)

Beauty Of the Dark by @loveofescapism: Rey Nemo has been ordered to go to therapy after her mental breakdown, but falling for her therapist, the hard, cold and handsome Dr. Kylo Ren was something she never could have expected; neither was the fact that she was also receiving messages from a stranger called Ben who was trying to deal with the grief of his father passing. Can you save someone you’ve never even met? What about if you had met them, but you just didn’t know it… yet. (anxiety) -> this one is so personal for me tbh...

In Between Days quixoticlux: Ben Solo is a Sad Boy. When he finds himself in the hospital after driving his dad’s Falcon off a cliff, he meets Rey Johnson, Sad Girl. From then on, it’s a love affair of mixtapes, vinyl, art, flannel, books, weed, string lights, and late nights.

Serotonin and Dopamine by pontmercy44: Ben struggles with his mental health and huge crush on Rey. (social anxiety)

home is where the heart lies by Aviendha69: Rey Johnson is a fierce friend and when her roommate Rose Tico's boss mistreats her, she breaks his shop-window. She gets caught and sentenced to 60 hrs community services in a soup kitchen in Centre-Sud Montreal circa 2008. (PTSD)

Too much, Too Little by TheWinding_staircase: After overhearing Rose desperately implore his mother, Dr. Leia Organa, the founder of a Mental Wellness clinic, to help her roommate, a struggling girl called Rey, Ben Solo's interest is piqued. Ben, also a doctor, has recently decided to take a step back from his medical responsibilities and open up a bookstore in town. Ben needs a hand at the store. Rey needs someone to take care of her, but she is too independent for her own good and fears the trauma of the medical system. Ben may have a solution to both of their problems. Now he just has to convince Rey to accept. (Depression)

Transference by fear_of_being_bitten: Ben Solo has a problem with sex. He’s addicted to his power over women, to the dominance and control. He’s very good at it and at using sex to avoid real connection and emotional vulnerability. Dr. Rey Niima knows this because she’s the one treating him. Or, “Erotized transference in the male patient-female therapist dyad.“ (addiction)

save me from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone by @pyro-allerdyce : Prince Ben is a little messed up, to put it mildly. He gets a brand new to the country Finn as a therapist, and through Finn and the unconventional therapy he's receiving, he meets Rey. Maybe now he has a reason to not be so messed up. (unspecified)

Winter Means Goodbye by @captainmarvel42: Depression hit him hard every winter, which was why none of his previous relationships had made it to spring. He wondered how long it would be until Rey left him too. He hoped it would be soon. Better to receive devastating news while he was still mostly numb. Or the story of how their relationship survives the extreme lows of Ben's moods. (BPD, Depression)

Coffee by icedameron: Rey is in her senior year of high school. Everything is going great for her. She has good grades, she knows what she wants to do when she graduates, and she has a group of great friends. Her life was relatively perfect, until she is assaulted while at a party. Due to unfortunate circumstances, she doesn't tell anyone. This weighs heavily on her shoulders. Her demeanor changes, and there seems to be only one person who can see past Rey's facade, and that's Kylo, a boy who sits next to her in English. Over time, the pair becomes closer, but Rey is hesitant to let her secret slip. She is nearly at her breaking point, and Kylo might be the only one who can help. With Rey's life crumbling before her eyes, the situation at hand is far bigger than she could have imagined. (PTSD)

The Only Exception by @cartoonjessie: A psychiatric ward outside of London welcomes its newest patient - Rey - a homeless girl without a last name or family. All she wants is to return to the streets she calls home, but that is easier said than done. She will need a lot of patience if she is to survive her time in the ward, for she has no intention of mingling with the other patients. However, Rey soon grabs the attention of one of the outcasts in the group - a young man who prefers to be called Kylo. He is prone to anger outbursts, but takes an immediate interest in the girl as he recognizes parts of himself in her. How will they ever recover - and will they find their way to a normal life in society, or escape before they're ready? (depression, addiction, ED)

#reylo #fanfic recs #mental illness #mental disorder #mental health struggles #alternate universe #fanfic

[thelovelygods]

As a teenager, Sylvia Plath vividly understood the extent to which her body steered her. "If I didn't have sex organs, I wouldn't waver on the brink of nervous emotion and tears all the time," she wrote in her journal in 1950. Ten days before her death, she had come to believe that "fixed stars/Govern a life." It turns out that Plath was probably right -- more right than she could have possibly known -- about her biology and her fate. But when Plath's journals were first published in 1982, what was most obvious about her was the supercharged nature of her emotions. Whatever causal agents may have been governing Plath's life, they were blown back by the force of her personality.

As unmistakable as were Plath's volatile emotions in the 1982 journals, the heavy editing of the text necessarily made it hard to discern the patterns to her moods. Even so, there did seem to be a detectable pattern, and it did not seem then, nor had it seemed to the people closest to her during the last years of her life, to be merely a function of temperament. In the weeks before her suicide, Plath's physician, John Horder, noted that Plath was not simply deeply depressed, but that her condition extended beyond the boundaries of a psychological explanation.

In a letter years later to Plath biographer Linda Wagner-Martin, Horder stated: "I believe ... she was liable to large swings of mood, but so excessive that a doctor inevitably thinks in terms of brain chemistry. This does not reduce the concurrent importance of marriage break-up or of exhaustion after a period of unusual artistic activity or from recent infectious illness or from the difficulties of being a responsible, practical mother. The full explanation has to take all these factors into account and more. But the irrational compulsion to end it makes me think that the body was governing the mind."

For at least the past 10 years it has been generally assumed that Plath fit the schema of manic-depressive illness, with alternating periods of depression and more productive and elated episodes.

The hypothesis that Plath suffered from a bipolar disorder is persuasive. But in late 1990, another, even more intriguing medical theory emerged. Using the evidence of Plath's letters, poems, biographies and the 1982 journals, a graduate student named Catherine Thompson proposed that Plath had suffered from a severe case of premenstrual syndrome. In "Dawn Poems in Blood: Sylvia Plath and PMS," which appeared in the literary magazine Triquarterly, Thompson theorized that Plath's mood volatility, depressions, many chronic ailments and ultimately her suicide were traceable to the poet's menstrual cycles and the hormonal disruptions caused by PMS.

Thompson pointed out that Plath unwittingly recorded experiencing on a cyclical basis all of the major symptoms of PMS, as well as many others, including low impulse control, extreme anger, unexplained crying and hypersensitivity. She also suffered many of the physical symptoms associated with PMS, notably extreme fatigue, insomnia and hypersomnia, extreme changes in appetite, itchiness, conjunctivitis, ringing in the ears, feelings of suffocation, headaches, heart palpitations and the exacerbation of chronic conditions such as her famous sinus infections.

Thompson compared Plath's reported mood and health changes with the journals, letters and biographies and found that her symptoms seemed to appear and disappear abruptly on a fairly regular schedule, with clusters of physical symptoms and depressive affect followed by dramatic changes in outlook and overall physical health. Those patterns can be directly linked to the dates of Plath's actual menses, particularly in 1958 and 1959, when she most habitually noted her cycles. Judging from the pattern of Plath's depression and health in late 1952 and in 1953 until her Aug. 24 suicide attempt, Thompson posited that "it seems reasonable to conclude that this suicide attempt was directly precipitated by hormonal disruption during the late luteal phase of her menstrual cycle and secondarily by her loss of self-esteem at being unable to control her depression."

Thompson showed that a well-known journal entry from Feb. 20, 1956, is clearly traceable to Plath's menses, to which she refers directly a few days later. The journal fragment takes on new meaning in light of having been written during the physically and emotionally debilitating luteal phase of Plath's cycle: "Dear Doctor: I am feeling very sick. I have a heart in my stomach which throbs and mocks. Suddenly the simple rituals of the day balk like a stubborn horse. It gets impossible to look people in the eye: corruption may break out again? Who knows. Small talk becomes desperate. Hostility grows, too. That dangerous, deadly venom which comes from a sick heart. Sick mind, too." On Feb. 24, the same day she notes in her journal that she has a sinus cold and "atop of this, through the hellish sleepless night of feverish sniffling and tossing, the macabre cramps of my period (curse, yes) and the wet, messy spurt of blood," Plath wrote a letter to her mother blaming her dark mood on her physical health: "I am so sick of having a cold every month; like this time, it generally combines with my period."

By the fall of 1962, the poems (which Plath carefully dated as they were completed) seem to follow a pattern of metaphorical renewals and optimistic transformations for roughly two to three weeks of artistic production, then jagged, seething accusations and aggression for a couple of weeks.

Thompson's PMS theory has been largely ignored by Plath scholars. But it immediately gained two important supporters: Anne Stevenson, Plath's controversial biographer, and Olwyn Hughes, Plath's former sister-in-law, whose letters were published in a subsequent issue of Triquarterly. Though oddly defensive in tone, Stevenson's letter does commend Thompson for her "invaluable contribution to Plath scholarship ... Certainly no future study of Plath will be able to ignore the probable effects of premenstrual syndrome on her imagination and behavior." And it states that she wishes she had been able to utilize Thompson's insights in the writing of her own work on Plath.

A letter from Olwyn Hughes also congratulates Thompson for her scholarship, but unlike Stevenson, Hughes practically stumbles over herself in amazement at the PMS theory. Hughes, who was quoted in Janet Malcolm's book "The Silent Woman: Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes" as characterizing her long-dead sister-in-law as "pretty straight poison," wrote to Thompson: "It is quite a shock to digest all this -- after thinking for so long that Sylvia's subconscious mind was her prison, and to suddenly realise it may well have been in part, or wholly, her body. But it certainly tallies with Ted's mentions -- he has always felt some chemical imbalance was involved."

Hughes further points out that Ted Hughes had spoken of Plath's ravenous appetite just prior to her periods and asks, "I wonder if that is a known characteristic of PMS?" (According to the PMS literature, it is.) But most tellingly, Olwyn Hughes explains that "one of the reasons I was so bowled over by your piece is that Sylvia's daughter, very like her physically, suffers quite badly from PMS but is, in these enlightened times, aware of it and treats it."

Dr. Glenn Bair, one of the leading experts on PMS treatment and research in the United States, confirmed to Salon that PMS is typically passed from mother to daughter. In a rare interview about her parents, Frieda Hughes told the Manchester Guardian in 1997 that after the "collapse of her health," including extreme fatigue and gynecological problems, she underwent a hysterectomy in her 30s.

After a careful review of Thompson's article, of a seven-page monthly breakdown of Plath's symptoms for 1958 through 1959 and of the documented evidence of Plath's pregnancies and postpartum symptoms of 1959 through 1962, Bair said, "If you hack through the PMDD criteria, I think that you'll find that she fits the PMDD profile."

#sylvia plath #pmdd #this almost made me cry #SHE UNDERSTOOD