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trashlie · 11 days

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ILY FP 258

I can't believe we're actually passed episode 250 lmao I Love Yoo is truly the never ending story (affectionate). I appreciate how much of the story we really get to dig into at this pace and while I know a lot of people have long-since dropped it, I imagine the rest of us (those reading this post because why else are you here?) also appreciate it. And that's what is even more refreshing about this episode - if refreshing is even a word we can use to describe it. Getting the extra scenes from other characters, a look at their lives and from these glimpses, what we can glean in the unsaid between the lines.

Can you believe I used to prey on Kousuke's downfall? There's so many posts of me talking about him from a different view, believing that the only way he could grow and develop and make the changes necessary to make him a better person was for him to crash and burn, to fail so significantly that he would be forced to pen his eyes to reality. But here we are, me, fervently swaddling him up like a baby and shoving him into my pocket because GOD he needs to be protected.

I don't even remember when it was, that my view on him began to shift, when I went from "he's interesting but awful" to "GOD THIS IS MY SON AND I WILL FIGHT EVERYONE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME" but.... lol there's no going back!

That's enough rambling, let's jump in.

There is something so painfully devastating about every time ILY confirms to us something we have long-since known or suspected through nuance, foreshadowing, reading between the lines, etc: That Kousuke isn't Rand's biological son, that Shinae was at the formal for Gun Kim, that Kousuke has been manipulated his whole life. Nothing in this episode regarding Kousuke is actually new to us. We have known, and talked about, for months and months long before the confirmation reveal that Yui drugs Kousuke - that he has been manipulated by her his entire life, that she orchestrated his life to manipulate him into situations she could take advantage of. It's the way she spoke about Rand's affair around Kousuke, the way she commodified Rand's love so Kousuke became convinced he'd never earned his father's love, the way she spoke of their family vs others and convinced him from such a young age that everyone was out to get them, to destroy them, and that he couldn't let them get close, couldn't let them near - and how Nol was very much a target planted in his mind.

But it's the fact that he is speaking of this and acknowledging it! Until now, Kousuke has heavily lived in denial. Again, we know this. We talk a lot about the chasm between reality and the reality he believes in. We talk a lot about how Kousuke couldn't face reality, even though on some level he knew everything he believed and was told was not quite true not quite real, but that he was so afraid of the truth, he couldn't do it. Kousuke admitting that he's been driven by fear and envy explains everything about him, and why he could not accept the only unwavering unconditional love he was offered.

A few weeks ago I saw a video on instagram of this father talking about a conversation he had with his daughter, who was feeling a little uncomfortable with her friend group. A new girl started to play with her and her best friend and she said she wasn't exactly jealous, but that maybe it was that she was afraid that there wasn't enough love to go around. Her dad had to explain to her that love is not like a pizza - it's not finite, a limited amount that could be taken and hogged by someone else. But Kousuke never learned this. His father's love was commodified and he was made to fear this other kid who he mistakenly believed knew a version of his father he'd never been privy to. He never learned that love is finite, that Rand could have enough love for the both of them, and feared that Nol would hog it all - that he WAS hogging it all because whether or not it was good or bad, Nol received more attention that Kousuke did. And that speaks VOLUMES about how Kousuke sees Rand, what he thinks of their relationship. In his mind, he is still unworthy, that he's not noteworthy enough.

This part gets to me so badly. We, as omniscient readers, know that Rand has tried his best, but that Yui runs a spectacular interference with which he can't compete, largely because of the roles their family have placed them in - Rand the busy businessman, Yui the mommy homemaker. But no matter how hard he tries, it isn't good enough. Rand tries to reach Kousuke, but the manipulation and paranoia are so far gone that the times Rand does have the chance to convey his feelings, Kousuke can't even believe it, because he thinks he's not good enough to deserve that love, that he hasn't fully qualified for it yet. And despite that, Nol, who Kousuke feels hasn't done half of what he has to deserve Rand's love, gets the attention. It doesn't matter that it's negative attention, that Rand barks at Nol, that Nol feels Rand hates and regrets him, because ultimately, it's still more than Kousuke receives. And worse, to him, every time Rand is busy reprimanding Nol, he turns away from Kousuke to do it.

I want to make it clear that this is a deep trauma point of Kousuke's. He's never learned healthy love and the only person who gave him healthy love was someone he was set to fear and fight. Something I think about a lot is the flashback to Kousuke, in the bushes, watching Nessa and Nol's display of warm affection, before Yui appears literally looming before him. In that moment, he witnesses something he's been deprived of. "We're not like other families"'. He's told from a young age he shouldn't compare himself to those healthy families, to warm and affectionate relationships that he will not cultivate in this household. From such a young age it is normalized, that they aren't like others, that they are cold and distant. From a young age, he's made to stuff down his feelings, his tender wants and desires, in order to earn them. To be a good little boy who makes his parents proud. To make his father look his way.

There's also something about the way he says "I've been a good boy" that echoes Shinae learning she's been manipulated by Yui, devastated and angry and yelling about how she's been a good girl so why do these things keep happening to her, all she wanted to do was help her dad. Two people who, from a young age, felt they had to be so obedient, so good, to not be a burden, and despite following the rules, despite doing as they were told, despite trying to be whatever version of "good" they believed in, the world still beat them up and mistreated them. The world still punished them.

As Rin in our discord server pointed out, though, to some degree, Kousuke is very much a person who can - and does - act out, when he's emotionally high-strung. He's a volatile man, and it's largely to do with the fact that he's been drugged to placate him for so long. He never learned emotional regulation, he never learned how to deal with high-stress situations or to face conflict or to own up to things. This is something that some readers who hate Kousuke and expect him to act a certain way because of his age are missing. You don't just learn these things with age. You learn them with experience and Kousuke was deprived of the opportunity TO have those experiences. He never had to learn these behaviors, and now as an adult he cannot function when overwhelmed.

Idk this whole episode is just heartbreaking. It's devastating. I remember when I was someone praying on Kousuke's downfall and now I want to take it all back ;___; I always believed he had to crash and burn to be able to see the world for what it really was and to face his fears, but this is somehow so much worse.

And even though he's drunk, I don't think he's going to forget all of this in the morning. Rather, I think what he's voicing are things that have been plaguing him since waking up in the hospital. From that moment, we saw him wary and distrustful of his mother, we saw his concern for Nol rising above everything else, but grappling with the understanding that he doesn't deserve to stand in front of Nol anymore. These aren't epiphanies coming to him just because he's drunk; it's more like he's only voicing them because he's drunk. But even when he sobers up, he will probably still be haunted by these fears, these agonies, these truths, this understanding.

How does he face his mother after this? How does he face anyone? He may not even feel like he can trust Jayce - who while very kind to him, is still employed by his family. He may not even feel like he can trust Hansuke (though I really hope that's not the case).

He's so miserable and it genuinely hurts to have him lay it all out for us - everything we've known and suspected, like how it was so painfully clear he WANTED Nol's friendship, their brotherhood, but feared it, didn't believe that there was enough love to go around, that there could only be one of them and that even if it was for good or bad reasons, Nol cast him in the shadow. And all these years, watching as Nol, as Yeonggi, grew into this person who sounded so very much like this unknown version of their father, someone funny who makes others laugh, someone goofy, someone so boyish in the ways Kousuke was never allowed to be. Watching as he gathers friends, while Kousuke, so unlikeable, is wanted only for his money, for his status, for the clout.

He doesn't even know WHO HE IS! Questioning his own traits he's believed of himself, wondering if this is even him, if these parts of him are real or does he just act it, say it, pretend it, while trying to fulfill a role he was shoved into. That makes me feel SO deeply sad, because it's something I've been anticipating for so long: Kousuke wondering WHO he really is, how much of him is real and how much of it is the result of manipulation.

And that moment that he catches himself and says no no that's offensive and rude you can't be like that. ;AAA;

For him to admit how much he envies others, how much he craves the kind of connection others have, the kind of family others have, to feel that love and warmth that he's been deprived of, forced to endure this solitude because, as he believes, he didn't get the good parts of Rand. And what will happen when he learns that Rand isn't his father? That he never stood a chance to inherit any of those traits. Kousuke has operated on this belief that, if he tries hard enough, he can earn the things he craves, but I fear learning about his parenthood will make him think that no matter how hard he tried, he would never earn that, because none of it was ever him, could have gone to him.

I think this is where Shinae, in the future, will come in. I feel so very strongly that she will be someone who helps Kousuke to see that this isn't true, that these kinds of personality traits aren't something inherited, but rather something learned. For him to one day realize it's the paralyzing fear that holds him back, not his genetics. Of course, I acknowledge this will still take a lot of therapy but...

Something else very remarkable to me is the way Kousuke recognizes Shinae in Shinhye, because their eyes "feel the same" and he opens up to her - on some level, whether or not he is consciously aware of it, Kousuke knows, or maybe just wants to, that he can trust Shinae. That she is someone who is safe. He even knows how she feels about his mother. I don't think we'll see a lot of Kousuke and Shinae's friendship until we're passed our timeskips, but it makes me feel a little hopeful about it, that she'll be able to reach him, because she feels like someone who is safe. It's the way he sees Nol in her and wants to try to have that do over, a relationship with someone who has unconditional love for him. It's the way he knows he mistreated Nol, that it was wrong, that he took it all out on this kid he was so afraid of because he had no other outlet, and he wants to do better but knows that there's nothing to salvage anymore.

But also, it just makes me hope more and more that in the future we WILL see a reconciliation between the brothers. As I say every time, it doesn't mean they have to become brothers or friends, but I just want them to see each other fully. Kousuke knows what he did to Nol. He doesn't deny it, even if he might not say it out loud unless he's drunk. But Nol is still so in the dark. Yujing is trying to tip him off and make him aware of it, but I hope one day when Nol realizes it, when he finds out that Kousuke, too, was Yui's victim, that he wasn't the only one, that Kousuke was made to fear Nol's love, he might.... understand. I'm saying understand here loosely because I don't want people to get the idea that I mean Nol will forgive him and Kousuke will be justified, but rather that Nol would be able to understand why Kousuke felt that way, and move on. But I can't help but hope that it will lead to an understanding, a reconciliation, where maybe they can try to be in each other's lives.

I think it's also interesting that Shinhye was somewhat honest, even if she wasn't very forthcoming, with Kousuke about her own family. It sounds like her mother has been gone for a long time, that she's been on her own the whole while, and I think it reinforces the idea that she believes both that Simhan is her father and that he rejected her, that he didn't want anything to do with her. It lines up, too, with how she feels that he wouldn't react well if he saw her (although I think she credited that to looking like their mother). In the same way that Shinae has felt abandoned and cast aside by their mother, Shinhye probably thinks their father never tried reach out, to find them, to maintain a relationship with her. Or perhaps it's that her mother fed her lies about him, made her believe him a different type of man, made her believe there would never be anything of their relationship to salvage. And given that she's the one who Kousuke opened to, it makes me think that there must be some kind of parallel there; the way she mentioned her own mother feels like maybe her mother, too, was a manipulative - or at the very least, dishonest - person.

I don't speculate a lot on Shinhye because frankly I don't think I know enough about her to really try to talk about her, but I do think that it's very likely there's some kind of connection between Shinhye and the Hirahras or Gun. To be clear, I don't believe she's working with Yui at all. I think it's more like... Alyssa isn't the only girl who has been trafficked by Gun. What's the likelihood that Shinae and Shinhye's mother was? Given her history, the gambling addiction that was so egregious her reputation haunted Shinae and chased her to a new neighborhood and school, was she seeking money somewhere else, somewhere more dangerous? Is that part of why they had to change their name? There's so many questions left about them, and I look forward to learning more about her, but, much like with Alyssa, I think it will take time and be dropped in little tidbits like this - things to read into and try to glean something from.

And maybe we'll see more of this duo in the future? It would feel a little weird to give them this one single run in, but I'm not entirely sure. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes. After all, Minhyuk and Shinhye have also had only the one run in. Still, I think it would be interesting to watch, if Shinhye ever felt.... I want to say maybe compelled? to dig in more to Kousuke, ever feel a kind of kinship. I don't think she'll open up to him at all, but rather, maybe she'd keep going back because a. he's wealthy and there's more she can nick from him (assuming he doesn't realize she stole anything while in his apartment, if he even remembers any of this) and b. wanting to gather more intel.

Like I said though, she's hard to read so I don't want to cling too hard to any ideas and, instead, sit back and enjoy the show.

#ILY Brainrot #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #I Love Yoo #Kousuke Hirahara #Shinhye #idk what to tag her as because we know she isn't known as Shinhye anymore #and because Simhan and their mother never married AND she was from a previous relationship Yoo isn't even her family name #so I can't really use Shinhye Yoo lol #alas #anyway this episode was DEVASTATING and quimchee said it's the beginning of the sad episodes meant to happen in March #literally said 'It's all downhill from here'#which I take to mean til the timeskip #BUCKLE UP BABIES WE'RE GOING FOR A BIG CRY SESH ;______;#i gotta say tho this episode didn't even make me cry - i guess because none of this is new and I've been bracing myself for it #Kousuke is so fucking wet cat it agonizes me ;_____;#I could write a whole essay on how Yui destroyed him and Nol in one fell swoop #i think a lot about precocious little Kousuke who tried so hard to be a good little boy and rushed through school because he wanted so badl #to hurry up and catch up to his father and join him in the workplace #all the opportunities he lost #the way he tried to fit himself into a personality a person he never picked out but just believed would get him what he wanted #he lost himself in the process #or maybe he never even got to know himself #i think too a lot about Kousuke who played piano and gave it up when he came to believe it wasn't important to his dad #that it didn't garner the attention and praise he seeked #so he dropped it to better mold himself into someone he thought Rand WOULD be proud of #FUCKING DEVASTATED #I'M GOING TO JUMP OFF THE ROOF SOBS

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fourteenthz · 5 months

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man...... man. 30 tags are not enough so under the read more I go

these screenshots are what ALWAYS got me about Thancred's character. like yeah all the scions trust you and all that but Thancred is just so loyal in a completely different way than others might be. specially after shadowbringers like he always try to do things together and it's always the "there's no other way" that he let's the wol do their thing - and still he's always the one to go to them after the deed is done and to sacrifice whatever it takes for the deed to,, you know, be done or whatever

and what I find sooo charming about all of it is that he's so discreet about it all. he very rarely goes out of his way to express his feelings to you or whatever but then you have moments where Ryne talks about the things he said about the WOL and he truly hates her leaving her side (because he's a terrible worrier) but MAN the trust the "As long as she accompanied you." shows just. man.

The whole "it's not about your blessing" is just such a perfect example as well, to his loyalty and faith. It was never for what the Scions had for him, just about their story together and the trust he has earned in that time.PLUS because his view of the world has slightly changed here, he's the "I've done bad things" kind of character but in a "I need to do better form now on" and not the "I'm done for" YOU KNOW? he's just so sincere in his need to just do better and half of the time that makes him have a difficult time coming to terms with that really is right but man. man. He wants to do it. The "tell me what I must do" to Minfilia is SUCH a perfect example. His sacrifice is not martyr-like, it's trial and error until he gets it right, for everybody, not just him. He's not doing it alone, he needs help!! He knows that!! And it SUCKS because he's so used to being better off alone!! But it's the entirety of shb of him saying "we're in this together" that ALMOST feels like he's convincing himself of that AT LEAST until he has to deal with it by himself, and then MAN if he DOES IT and he comes back like "now I can fix things. better even." HES SO

There are far too many traits of perfectionism in him, in the worst ways. He doesn’t know how to deal with his feeling at the beginning of shb, everything seems to get under his skin because it always keeps reminding him of the past he lived/the wrongs he has done/ the things he failed - BUT despite it all, he has time to care so deeply about the First's cause and Minfilia's and even the WOL's to the point were he is always make sure they know: they are together, that if their blessing fails they know the WOL won't, and if they do, it doesn't matter because AGAIN; they are together.

Playing ng+ and knowing how thancred ends in this expansion is so nice, you can clearly point out the signs of his change and signs that he didn't change at all. How he's always the one to take charge and lead when the WOL isn't around, he makes sure to teach that to Ryne ("Thancred once told me that if the efforts to summon you failed, it would fall to me to face the Lightwardens"), how he deals with change so promptly but fails to really express all of it ("I have no doubt that he understands. The question is how he feels.") He's flawed, he knows that but MAN if he doesn't try to fix that.

#this post makes NO sense like ALL of my tags so pls don't consider this anything formal besides me rambling #I wanted to make this unrbed BUT it's under read more and if ppl want to rb just the screenshots it's fine #I just............ UGHDFGLSFIATFG MAN. he's so HES SO #haven't even got to /his part/ in shb yet but everything he says makes me want to CRY I just ADORE him he's so tailored to me specifically #90% of this applies to my hcs abt my wol and when he turned out like that I was like “YEAH THAT'S WERE WE ARE GOING ALRIGHT”#also I'M NOT DONE WITH IT but putting this here in the tags bc endwalker spoilers bc: this is why his visit to the WOL room in EW just hits #so hard. HE KNOWS what is at stake HE ALWAYS HAD and he's so realistic about it but that was the one time he went “I need help”#he's discreet about loving the scions and his NEED to protect everybody he loves because that's how it has always been to him #(him seeing minfilia safe from work everynight when they were young etc etc)#and in ew he really goes “hey i trust you guys with my life and MAN I hope it's mutual so if it is please do this thing I can't do for me?”#IT MAKES ME SICK #i have so many screenshots this ng+ that's just text bubbles and it's mostly him and ryne talking about him and and just these points were #get “oh. there he is. my most special man.”#I'm so normal about characters that repent but not in a martyr way. YEAH LIFE IS A BURDEN YOU GOTTA LIVE IT TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT YEAH #everyday I think rn thancred is far away from the scions and ryne it makes me want to throw a fist. anyway.#kelly says #kelly plays xiv #thancred waters #(for me. I hope this doesn't appear in the tags since it's far down here LOL)#5.0 spoilers

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scionshtola · 3 months

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currently cori has the emperors new fists for their mnk weapon bc the whole idea behind mnk cori is estinien was like “you need to learn to throw hands in case you can’t use magic or your gun.” but i’m kind of enamored by the idea of them engineering themself a pair of gloves or aetherically charged brass knuckles or something after enw

#i just like letting cori use any skills she might have picked up from working with stephanivien lol #also i’ve been toying with the idea of cori making rings or bracelets that help collect and channel their aether through their grimoire #and other weapons since they have a hard time with it currently #and i think that would be easier than making something for each weapon? but idk if that would work #i mean i guess technically speaking it’s not really lore compliant anyway so whatever but i like to stick to what i can #anyway i think estinien is like cori this defeats the purpose and cori just makes him a pair and just like the friendship bracelet #he cherishes them forever #also the conversation that exists in my head between them that’s like estinien telling cori he didn’t think it would be permanent when he #said they might not use magic one day he just wanted them to not die if they had to fight and cori’s like well. wistful glance into #the distance. you were right i guess so thank you.#is actually very heartwarming #they’re unexpected besties #i need a text post tag #sorry. i think the less sleep i get the more posts and tags i have to write

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darken-hollow · 15 days

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Does any one know like very good platforms to post their art? Or any tips on how to grow more that doesn't involve changing your art style or what you draw?

#I know tags are important for here and for all my art I put in a lot of tags #when it comes to just text I don't put a lot #But yeah tbh while I won't leave Tumblr I am looking for another way of getting my art out there #I feel like all my reblogs make it to hard to find my art #granted even then I barely even get any likes #tbh idk I might just try and focus on my projects #but I feel like I be the only one interested in them if I don't get at least a small fan base #Like I wanna make an animated pilot but I don't want to put all that work in for like 5 views #idk man I think I'm just going through another depressive well not episode but you know what I mean #granted I only ever really get likes from the same like three people who like all my stuff #but yeah #darken talks #damn these tags just became a rant lol

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thatonecrookedsmile · 23 days

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["So what can you expect in the coming months?"] ["…you never know!"] ["He’s always watching me..."] ["-I saw Mister Drew the other day…was meeting with that Connor fellow, holding some papers."] ["I think they saw me looking though…"] ["Just too many secrets being cooked up in the kitchen!"] ["If I didn’t know better, I’d say there was magic there."] ["A well calculated understanding between creation-"] ["-big things are coming!"] ["-and creator."] ["Massive things!"] ["That smile…"] ["..you just learn to go with it."] ["He’s always watching me..."] ["You just watch…"] ["I’ve got a good feeling something great is going to happen…”]

...

…How very interesting,such… knowledge.

{A message from Wilson Arch}

-----

Yoooo, guess who is having a birthday today. Me,obviously. :D

Oh, and Wilson too, I guess. If you wanna be THAT guy.

Remember when this video came out there were people who heard the voice at the end and thought the voice was either Sammy or the Ink Demon? Man, those were the days. However with all due respect, I'm glad neither case was right in the end lol.

On this day 5 years ago, "Unknown - April 14th" was posted on YouTube, which means it's been 5 damn years since we first heard from Wilson...

man, what a damn BABY MAN, am i right folks

It's interesting to think that even though it's been 5 years, we've only known who Wilson really is for 2 years now (or more appropriately, 1 year and 5 months of those 5 years). Of course, now, after BATDR was released, we know who he is and what his place is in the Bendy universe. But between April 1, 2019 and November 1, 2022, all we knew about him was that he…existed. He was someone - someone bad apparently - who sounded old and who would have some relevance in the plot of Dark Revival. And that's it. We had no name, no appearance, nothing. He was someone, but we didn't know who.

It's no wonder he was only referred to as "Unknown" by fans during these 3 and a half years.

In the end, I would say that this drawing is a mix of 2 things. The first being the result of an idea I've had for a while, which is basically making a drawing in relation to the original video/"unknown" tape, but this time with Wilson, since now we know it was recorded by him. Plus it's been 5 years since the original upload,5 years of Wilson. I think this would be the perfect time to do this.

And second, a strange kind of redux/homage/"final chapter" in this kind of "collection" of drawings I did between 2019 and 2022 all based on the idea of "the unknown weirdo from BATDR saying How Very Interesting Such Knowledge" and so on. All of them having other characters in mind in the role of the Unknown. And now, here I am, redoing this idea again, only with The Man Himself this time. The real Unknown. Now as the Known, so to speak.

Going back to what I said before, you can see this drawing as a kind of farewell to this particular idea that I've kind of repeated over the years, as I've now done it again only with Wilson this time. (Does this mean I'll never draw this concept/line of thought again? I mean, I assume so. But there's no guarantee I can't make something similar again down the line. Who knows what the future holds. We will see what happens in the next 5 years.)

But,yeah. 5 years of Such Knowledge™.

Have a good April Fools' Day.

(Also, there are still a few hours until the day ends where I live, so for me it's still April 1st, so yeah, this still counts)

#bendy and the ink machine #batim #bendy and the dark revival #batdr #wilson arch #crookedsmileart #I'm going to start headcanon that Wilson's birthday is on April Fools. It fits him 😌#yo perspective SUCKS; who created this;i'm gonna beat them until there's no more.#also;lighting is so. hard;how do you all do it #Does anyone have tips for lighting; it would be a huge help /gen #also also;drawing the audio logs was a BATTLE. It was sooo boring; why do I do this to myself #so many details and I had to do it in 7 of them; and it's because these are the DR models;which have more details;#if I had to make them based on IM models I would probably make them simpler. But I wanted to be accurate :-)))#since we are on this subject (and I'm 99% sure of this)#Did you know that the textures in the audio log models used in the final game #are different to those used in the videos published between Feb and April 2019? and a little less detailed?#I realized this when I was looking for references for the drawing #the audio logs in those videos and the audio logs in the final game are not the same thing (at least in terms of texture)#Next time you play BATDR; think about this lol /hj #in retrospect; I don't think those audio logs published at the time would really be relevant to the game's plot #and I think that in the end their purpose was (besides worldbuilding i guess) just to tease the existence of Wilson #I still think that Joey's audio was supposed to be more of a meta thing since the real JDS was actually growing during that time #in my head; that at least makes sense (referring to the last 2 tags)#anyway;happy birthday Wilson;you old bitch #ok i finally post this;now back to the HOG

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