#it kind of scares me sometimes

[screwpinecaprice]

Anonymous Ko-fi request!

#I was thinking there isn't really a necessity to add the specification of the request sometimes? #Sometimes I think I kind of ruin it by adding descriptions. Lol #Just testing it out if it actually rolls right #connverse #Connie Maheswaran #Steven Quarts Universe #SU #my shiz #doodles for tips #Of course thank you for the tip! #Ko-fi #Ko-fi request #When I'm on mobile it scares me that the delete button is so close to the edit button. 😬

[idonthaveacontract]

We'll get a fresh start tomorrow.

#when he's your boss not your boyfriend 👉👈 #mad men #don draper #peggy olson #don/peggy #also subtitles spelled her name wrong whew that scared me. because I used to sometimes spell it wrong #and to this day I'm always kind of unsure what's right

[wis-art]

Women, so pretty, so shaped, i am so lesbian,,,

#im also incredibly dysphoric tonight #but i was told by my coworker im incredibly feminine by her earlier #and i mean yeah #..... #i am a tall weird internet woman who likes to draw #so funny how i thought i was bi #I'm just really into women... #my ex is a trans guy and he told me he thinks im lesbian and i had a “holy fuck this explains so much moment” #we broke up but we still have a weird queer relationship outside of social heteronormative norms that is hard to explain and only we #can really understand #im not into men because you know #im a lesbian #had a weird period in my life when i was dating a guy and said im a lesbian and i felt sooooo scared #turns out when youre on meds and your brain is working right you just stop caring about such things #i went on a parade wearing big lesbian flag and girls loved it :) #i dont really know if i ever want to date anyone again #but i think if you look at my art you can really tell my sexuality quite easily lolol #funny how love can be so complicated sometimes #i mean it was kind of inevitable we break up cause we're kind of incompatible but tbh #it was better for us #hehe

[scp42069howthefisthisnametaken]

new hermitcraft member (real) (trust me) (it was revealed to me in a dream)

#kind of experimental style for me but it's inspired by AlenSeress art #Skizzleman #Skizz #I lowkey hate his skin outfit so I tried to redesigned it a little bit #I tried to base it on him irl but yeah it could be better #but I like overall design #also small headcanon skizz hates gold jewelry and he makes fun of Impulse for liking it #he calls it tacky and would rather wear sliver or even iron accessories from Tango #I also like the idea that he onced sheltered Impulse from the explosion when they were younger and that's who he got back and arms scares #and why he sometimes it's called like a guardian angel by he's friends

[lunarharp]

thingies

#witch hat tag #orufrey #nother small post (it's not small..) meek post. mild post #sensei QRTed the last one with a sweet message and made my week <3 #drawn bc she randomly announced that originally qif & eas were going to be more openly hostile with each other #but she decided after feedback that qifrey would. Restrain himself now he has children in his life. #like pikachu with togepi in pikachu's vacation. She didn't say that part #just love that since i always say i see them as having this kind of autistic warfare expressed in ways other than actual fighting #since their youths. but i guess we don't know how much they had to interact as kids #i just know they're both opposite ends of Autistic Kids: one do-gooder kid who gets REALLY irked when others dont follow The Rules #and the non-verbal autistic kid who IS one push away from actually biting people #Sometimes autistic people shouldnt be friends. #anyway why did she randomly state this now of all times. Are they interacting in the next chapter. But why. #the next chapter scares me. a teaser piece of art she posted is like.....What is actually going to happen here. #What is going to happen . #anyway hope all fans of my silly drawings are doing well out there

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

me desperately trying to outrun my writer’s block for the fiftieth time this week

#i know i vent about my writing struggles a lot on here #but god i really am struggling with this chapter of four walls so much #i feel disconnected and overly critical and lacking motivation and UGH #why can’t life be simple and just let me enjoy the things i enjoy #maybe i’m struggling so much because actually this is the longest story i’ve written in literal years and it’s kind of a daunting #i don’t want to mess it up #and i’m kind of scared i’m losing the thread #i know i just need to trust the process but sometimes it’s really hard #okay rant over #i’m going to gather snacks and return to my laptop and see if i can finally get in the zone #lulu posts

[cowcowwow]

It's hard being the sole Mew stan but as a Cowcowwow I stay strong /silly

(Mew belongs to @ask-mirage-mews !!)

#mirage mews #mew mm #gffdvdvbxv #listen. LISTEN #I think they're super interesting #they've gone from despising clones to wanting to train one?? #and obviously they DEFINITELY have to work on their attitude and feeling of being better than everyone but #they promised no trouble for mosy and zeus #AND ALSO FELT REALLY BAD FOR THE TWO? #AND ALSO ALSO IS ONLY THERE TO PROTECT MOSY AND THEIR KITS??? SO INTERESTING #also their behavior is sometimes very funny. to me #like girl yea why would you go and call Mosy's NEWBORN KITS ugly?? #but also that's hilarious #because they're so wrong I guess #the kits are adorable #what world are you living in girl #anyways I just think Mew has a big heart and is very compassionate and kind but doesn't really realize it #and doesn't really want to show it either (scared to?) #I love them <33 #pokemon #mew #cow draws #ALSO #they design is just so so cool <333 LOVE the lil splash of darker color on their feet and tail hehe #also FLUFFY #in a small way hehe #and their eyes are SUPER PRETTY #and I think that also has to do with how gorgeous all eyes are drawn in that comic ehehe #but also also #I just love those blues

[itspileofgoodthings]

my life is a very slow process of everyone around me telling me not to be anxious and me fighting them all tooth and nail while inching towards more stable mental health.

#I know it’s not true but sometimes I feel like if I didn’t have anxiety I would not suffer at all #which. again. is false #but there’s a lot of things I don’t want in this life and a lot of things I am not scared of and a lot of things I just accept #and like. It’s FINE #but all my suffering from anxiety stays in one fixed flame of sheer agony #and it’s hard because I don’t shake like a chihuahua in the corner of my bedroom #unable to move or function #I’m always doing things and functioning and joking at parties and (generally) saying the right thing #but it’s all located in one corner in the middle of my mind attacking my ability to make judgments and live with my decisions peacefully #like an unseen wound #and the distance i feel it puts between me and other people #is one of the most painful things #just several sheets of frosted glass between me and them #and sometimes the worst it gets is when I can bear it without breaking down and so I just do and I just keep functioning #and the cold just creeps in and everything goes kind of numb! #tbh now that I think about it this might be why I often think of myself as a person with no desires or ambitions or dreams #or impetus or forward motion or anything #because I DO want things and have opinions and the exist in flashes. But also they’re buried deep under several layers of protective apathy #so they’re not stable. I drop them many times. forget them ignore them imagine that they aren’t there. I’m sorry I’m rambling I’m FINE #actually when I talk about it that’s how you know I’m doing okay with it #when I can’t talk about it and am half-heartedly going through the motions #that’s the problem #anyway whew. thanks for listening sorry for all the self-reflection etc. etc. etc.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! You said that you need another vacation after this vacation, so I am not sure, how puppy situation, even if it partual custudy, affecting you ( may be you in panic when he is there and then recovering when he is not, and then round and round? ), but really, If you need another vacation, I hope you know we will be here to support you for it!

It's been nearly 4 weeks now since we got Toby so I feel like I can talk about this with a bit of a clear head.

(Talk of like an actual PTSD meltdown beneath the read-more, including self-harm mention - nothing graphic. There's zero obligation for anyone to read this, especially for folks who don't think authors should ever be honest about being people with issues):

So, I've been kind of quiet about aspects of this, but I have like severe treatment-resistant PTSD and C-PTSD, and puppies specifically are one of my triggers (especially if I'm responsible for them). The reason for that is kind of awful, and I don't really want to talk about some of the things I've experienced/been through that led to that, so let's just move onto the next part. You're kind of right anon, there has been panic while he is here lol.

As a result, I had a severe meltdown the first time I tried to adopt a dog many years ago now. Could not last 24 hours, needed weeks/months to recover.

But I've always wanted to share my life with a dog and I've been in a somewhat better space over the past year or so, and I thought I could maybe handle it better. I told myself 'if I can just get through that 24 hours I'll realise it's okay and it will all work out.' Anon I cannot tell you where this thinking came from, but it was wrong. Idk why past me was kind of naive enough to think this way but here we are.

No, after that 24 hours, it got temporarily better, and then I slammed into consecutive meltdowns, each one worse than the next, until the people around me were afraid for my life. I am still recovering from some of the harm I inflicted on myself during the last three weeks and likely will be for some time to come. The combination of a really intense PTSD relapse, as well as not being able to handle (as an AuDHD person) intense changes to my schedule basically compounded and I broke.

I made the decision to rehome Toby, and first contacted the people around me. Glen's mum said she wanted a dog, and had been specifically looking into dogs like Toby anyway, and so we decided this would be best because then I could still be involved (I love Toby to pieces).

After getting some space, I finally started to adjust, and have gone back to having Toby about 4~ days a week, with a view to going to about 6 days, with one day spent with my mum, or Glen's mum.

Today is the first day I was able to handle having him on my own for around 9.5 hours. And I'm here and able to write about it, so that's progress. He'll be here all day Sunday, and then Tues-Weds-Thurs-Friday. And from there a decision will be made as to where I'm at with my mental health etc.

I'm a bit more hopeful now that I might be able to keep him, but my PTSD is still very very bad. I'm having some nights where I'm simply not sleeping until 7.30am (even if he's not here), and my hypervigilance is crazy. Like, I am having so many auditory flashbacks it's stupid. So this is why I've been saying this break hasn't been very restful or productive. Because my mental health tanked like I detonated a landmine inside myself.

I didn't actually plan the two week break for Toby! That was just a coincidence honestly.

Unfortunately I have a lot of health conditions that respond very poorly to stress, so I'm dealing with those now too. And then additionally, in all of this, I had a breast scan / mammogram / ultrasound that has confirmed a suspicious lump I found a couple of months ago (breast cancer runs in the family), and I suspect I'm going to need a biopsy. I'll find out on Monday if that's the case. That's been in the background and hasn't been helping.

There's some other stuff going on that's not really worth talking about because these are the main things, but that's a good picture I think. It turns out 'just getting through the first 24 hours' doesn't magically make a severe PTSD trigger go away. And that forced exposure is not 'exposure therapy' - that's just reinforcing a trigger.

Anyway! I feel like I'm through the worst of it, and I am seeing glimpses of how my life could be richer if I keep getting through this. But...that's why I think another break. *smiles tiredly.* I have to wait a bit now for the PTSD / C-PTSD symptoms to settle down, and I also need to see what's kind of worsened after this. Realistically, with a relapse to this degree, it could take between 3-6 months to really start recovering, or to at least get back to where I was before December.

I hope with all my heart I can get there with Toby by my side. I love him so much.

(I want to add that Toby has never ever been in a position of harm at any point, and in fact I probably put myself in harm's way for his sake, because I wanted to provide solid continuity of care - in case anyone was worried about that).

Er so yeah! But I've picked up my writing again this week and have been able to do some like...things I'd been neglecting, and I feel more human again, I just hope I get some sleep tonight

#asks and answers #personal #tobermory the cavoodle #that's also why i haven't always consistently been sharing photos #realistically he's spent about 4 days away from us? #and that alone has been enough to kind of help me sort my head out #when i realised it was PTSD that helped too #because i've been able to spot the severe hypervigilance for what it is #and sometimes just being able to name a thing helps #and finally intensive training with toby #has adjusted some of his behaviours very quickly #and he is now a very calm and well-behaved dog already #we just need to do more separation training and then i think i will finally start #settling a bit more #our vet's super happy with where he's at #but...um...you know it's never nice to make your mum cry #because she's scared for you :( #administrator gwyn wants this in the queue

[imaginaryanon]

"ah fuck i guess [thing] is over/has been cancelled so i gotta quickly post the rest of the art i've done about it then move on 😭😭😭" you guys live like this? genuinely?

#and yeah i AM paraphrasing a post i've seen with mine own two eyes recently #i know what it's like to post for a small/dead/irrelevant fandom but posting about it is. in fact. how you keep it not dead #what kind of influencer brain worms are people experiencing now that instead of creating for Fun and out of Love for the source material #they're doing it to. what. Stay Relevant? for some sort of fucking. Social Media Engagement? please say sike i'm fucking scared #i thought we were making fanworks bc we care about whatever we're creating them about #whether the source material is gonna get 5 more installments/seasons/what have you or not & whether it's Curently Running or not? #sometimes the Official & Canon part of the thing is over. sometimes that's even for the best tbh #but it doesn't mean we have to immediately forget about it?? i simply Do Not Get It is what i'm saying here i guess #personal blah #anyway unrelated but who wants to go get me groceries. it's cold. it's dark. it's RAINING. and i have to go outside. hell on earth etc etc

[monstrsball]

sugawara koushi and his beloved light blue VW beetle named fraulein that he talks to like she's a startled horse

#my headcanons #okay so. credit time: ash said if suga was a car he would be a light blue vw beetle. i agreed and also thought it was a car he would own to #and then i was like 'well what would he name his car' and ADDIE suggested fraulein bc it's a german make #anyway this is me announcing to everyone that my suga canon has Changed he does indeed have a car #also i've talked abt oikawa being a bad driver before i think he and oikawa are both bad drivers but in opposite directions #oikawa is kind of reckless sometimes and suga is a nervous driver #this is like. partially me projecting on suga bc driving scares me but!!!! he mentions being overwhelmed on the court sometimes #and i feel like he would feel that way driving too...

[trebhum]

Laceys Games and Valle Verde are so criminally underrated it's a real shame. I consume a lot of digital horror/arg content but truthfully those two are the best I've seen besides classic Petscop. The way they weave their narratives and their aesthetics are truly phenomenal. One of the reasons Petscop got so big when it did is because there was nothing really like it. I think the same can be said for both Lacey and Valle Verde, I wish there were more people who appreciated just how insanely good they both are. But, I suppose, it is always fun to be "niche"

#the biggest complaint people always have is oooohhhhh its so OVERSATURATED its all the same... #and i get that. to a certain extent #i think there is a Lot of digital horror/arg stuff out there especially nowadays i think it only becomes increasingly popular #but i think most of it is usually pretty good. i think sometimes you'll have something a little subpar like i didnt really care for #the man in the suit but even so i appreciate that someone probably put their heart and a lot of effort into making it and i like it just #bcuz of that. does that make sense? #and i think a lot of it is made by younger people as well. the good stuff is out there you just have to know where to look #or also understand that both genres as a whole are still pretty quote unquote new and also predominantly run by a younger generation #for an overall younger audience. when i say younger i mean like teenagers and young adults #although my bfs little brother loves the mandela catalogue and hes like 11 so maybe even younger #anyways this was kind of rambling but i highly recommend both laceys games and valle verde. its very rare that something like this #Actually scares/creeps me out but both have done so with flying colors.

[caffeinatedopossum]

I hate that people associate being old with being bigoted, I actually love old people so much

#i know the whole 'old people are wise' thing is a little cliche but its true #not only that but there are some things that can really only be healed by talking to your elders #like. sometimes im so scared for the future and im so sure everything will be like this forever or ill die young #but then you hear about what your elders went through and they survived and its like 'wow maybe its not hopeless' #it makes me really sad when people are mean to elders for no reason #like they dont deserve that. theyve already all got chronic pain and probably a lifetime's worth of grief too #but theyre still hangin in there #it makes me so happy how excited older people can get when someone just talks to them #but its also kind of sad because its clear they dont get that a lot

[fishflavouredlead]

queer women when trans-masc/men's lived experiences are just a little too similar to their own: 😡☝️🤬🚫😤🤬🚫😡🤬😤☝️

#bc thats really j gotta b what it is right? #bc idk how u can hear ppl #go through exactly what youve been through #the only men or men-like companians who can ever truly ***empathize*** w women #and u want to talk over them or claim that their experience isnt valid in some way because??? #what??? #it makes u feel some type of way??? #u dont like it???? #u dont agree w it bc personally its not yr own personal experience???? #bc u think it somehow takes away frm yr own expereinces??? #when in relaity were both j expereincing the same thing and both suffering in totally similiar ways j in different directions #or sometimes still even in the same direction #idk im really tired of this kinda.. indifferent if not invalidating attitude ppl will have towards transmen #or even transmascs #if theyre a lil too masculine or a lil too binary (which again will always b skewed due to individual perceptions) #and tbh #it kinda scares some of yall bc #honestly some of us including me including some trans ppl too #dont know what good kind gentle postive masculinity looks like #its never been modeled for us (which is glaringly obvious looking at the stae of the world) #idk it just comes off as ignorant and closeminded and yall wpuld think ud b the the last ones caught dead being exactly that #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbt #queer #literally fighting the same fucking battle but were all too busy killing the whole squadron w friendly fucking fire #like i love yall but come on

[cookinguptales]

Thank you so much for the tarot reading you did for me a little while back 💜 i'm sorry it's taken me so long to say that! i do rather think you have prophetic gifts, by the way- it was spookily accurate and helped me a lot 🔮

No problem! I'm glad it was helpful to you!

I do tend to get at least one message like this every time I do a tarot night for my followers, and like... you are totally entitled to that belief! What do I know about psychic phenomena and prophecy anyway? lmao. Maybe I am psychic.

But personally, I believe that tarot has a high likelihood of speaking to us no matter what, if just because the archetypal nature of the cards means that they're dealing with problems that we all struggle with. We all have self-doubt, we all have complicated relationships with money, we all crave love of some kind. We all have trauma in our past and we all want to believe that this time, things could be okay.

One of the reasons I like tarot cards is because they are inanimate objects that we imbue with meaning. They were just playing cards, y'know? We're the ones that gave them power over us, and we did that by filling them with our own stories. We placed a mirror in those cards, and while mirrors can be used for scrying, they can also just be used to take a good hard look at ourselves.

If I say "oh, you've had money troubles in the past," who doesn't that apply to? Maybe I'm thinking about me, when we were homeless for a while when I was a kid. Maybe someone else is thinking about the money they lost to gambling last week. Maybe someone else, someone wildly wealthy, is thinking about a stock market crash that brought their five mansions down to two. Maybe a final person has just never had quite enough to make ends meet. God knows that describes a lot of people.

I like tarot because we can all look at the same spread and see something different. I see a story to tell to the best of my ability, and that's how I do readings. But for the people getting those readings, they're often looking into little mirrors and seeing how they reflect their own personal experiences.

Because, you know, we all see different things in the same mirror! That's how tarot works, I think. Maybe some people are a little better at reading things in that mirror and interpreting what they see there, but we all see something new and different and deeply, deeply personal when we look at those cards.

Love that for us.

#that's what I eventually ended up studying in college btw #the way people construct personalized belief systems and vernacular religion #I got into religious studies to make sense of the world after I got out of an abusive religious background #and people always ask me what religion I am now #and I always say... y'know... I don't know what I believe #I don't know if magic exists or ESP or the supernatural or any number of deities #I don't know if I fully believe anything anymore #but I do believe in the power of stories #how we tell them and why we tell them and the parts of us that we mix into them to bolster their power #stories can ease a broken heart or they can be used to launch a war #they can create a belief system or tear one apart #we tell stories to make meaning out of the senselessness around us but we use them to CREATE meaning too #and sometimes the meaning that we create can last for centuries #they can make a little pack of playing cards into something that I was forbidden to touch when I was a child #that I was too scared to even be in the room with until I was in college #and the stories I tell myself instead can reframe those cards as something lovely I can collect #that help me make sense of the world in all kinds of ways #by helping me understand the emotions at the root of our experiences #and the stories we tell to give voice to them #and make them material; a thing we can finally touch #idk I'm rambling a bit but! those are my thoughts on the matter!! #replies #tarot #tarot shenanigans

[starredforlife]

sorry I’m just actually sick to death of being told I’m intimidating . I know it’s scary when a woman talks without apologizing for herself constantly but maybe uhhhhh grow up!!!

#I’m not Scary on purpose literally I don’t fucking. growl at people #I don’t glare at them or be mean #can I be condescending? sure. it’s something I’m working on. #but how is it that I get demonized for this and straight men get way with it fucking constantly. and it’s an accepted and sometimes beloved #part of them #if one more fucking person tells me I’m intimidating bc I speak clearly and ask questions I’m going to lose my fucking mind #star’s thoughts #sorry this is a culmination of a bunch of shit lol #just bc I’m not scared of you doesn’t mean you need to be scared of me 😭😭😭😭😭 pleaseeee #part of me is thinking I’ve just been experiencing like intense lesbophobia or smthn at this point bc what the fuck #do I do that offends people off the bat. #but then I remember how I Am and rumors are true I border on the line of arrogance I dance on the showboat I flirt harshly with confidence #I think I have an issue where people have to earn my respect in conversation #and that is rightfully intimidating. probably some kind of protective tactic #I command it but also I demand you Show Up upfront and I can see how that’s like. anxiety inducing #I’m shifting to try and offer that respect upfront instead and hopefully that’ll make people feel less on edge #this has been like. a mini diary. sorry lol