#it made me hate myself for so long

[lunarharp]

into the deep end - 30k T orufrey fic, focusing on memory trauma, disability, and romance.

the sweet oblivion of the victim, the poisoned freedom of the other.

for one moment - it had felt like two parts returned - the needed reunion of two disparate halves. no more secrets, no more pain.

the moment you get to give back what you never wanted to take. that moment, under the night-blooming flowers, when they had both let out the same single broken sigh of relief.

but they were never whole to begin with, were they?

qifrey swore he wouldn't say 'sorry' to this man any more if he could help it - sorry is cheap now. he didn't want to be in a position ever again where you only have 'sorry' left. so he just looks down into the threads of his blanket, strains his eye until it hurts, feeling his insides - his throat, heart and head - burn with pain. he expects more, but olly says nothing.

olly says nothing.

#witch hat tag #orufrey #sorry i wanted to make a new post for my fic since the first illustration is new. #*stands in the middle of a desolate field in the pouring rain* Please Read My Tale...Blease..Oh god please..*collapses to the ground* #someone asked if there's spoilers in it. Um...yes. Sorry...it's about everything #maybe i should describe it more? it's about qifrey becoming more and more disabled - as i feel is his canon trajectory #and both of them processing the choices that have been made. it was necessary for me to explore this in order to fully understand orufrey #and for them to have the cathartic conclusion-that's why this is important to me for my witch hat fanwork making life. this connects it all #and having dived into qifrey's mind and lived through oru's feelings i was able to get to a place that is possible for them. #the hit/kudos ratio is so pathetic idek what happened. ppl opening it realising its long and saving it for later or just bailing lmfao #idek any more i hate advertising my writing i hate trying to get more ppl to read my long fics it's so hard 🥲 #i'm so much prouder of this than my art...i was able to sink deeply into the orufrey feelings i had always wanted to fully explore #so. it's there lol.........i reread the date/kiss segment today after trying to forget about it thinking maybe the fic is just BAD lol #and like.....nope! i like it very much and this is what i was trying to get across. and it's always there to be read by anyone who wants to #and i will always remember the bliss i felt while writing when i was just lost in their world and living as them. dear GOD i love them. #i'm grateful to myself that i put in the work and love to make this so that i can always come back to it. i wanna illustrate scenes properly #but i'm never satisfied with drawing things i've written because i just can't capture the vivid experience in my mind. maybe one day.

[godsfavoritescientist]

Biting the bars of my enclosure about autistic ford tonight. There's something about him using vocabulary and turns of phrase that seem "outdated" or "pretentious" that feels so painfully genuine to me. When people say he talks like that just to "try to sound smart" I wish I could explain what it's like to be so ostracized from your peers growing up that you spend all your time reading instead, to the point where you pick up your way of speaking from books instead of from people. And then what it's like for people to call you out for "talking weird" over and over again, not able to wrap their heads around why the fuck you would choose more archaic or technical or formal words than the simpler ones that surely come to everyone's minds first. What it's like to have to dedicate a sizable chunk of attention to filtering through every single word you say out loud in real time before you say it, to make absolutely sure that it isn't a word people will judge you for using or make fun of you for using, just so you'll have a chance of being taken seriously. Learning through trial and error how to filter out the words that other people don't think are normal or casual enough for the conversation, even though for you, the word choice that's "natural-sounding" enough for them is the third or fourth word you came up with when searching for the right way to phrase something in your head. I wish I could explain just how long it takes to say fucking anything after spending a lifetime doing that during every single conversation, and how repetitive and long-winded you end up being when you spend so long coming up with alternative ways of saying every little thing you ever think. And I wish people realized that, at the very least for autistic people and autistic-coded characters, speech that's seen as pretentious is really just the way they talk when they're not putting in the extra effort to filter through every word they say just so others will take the time to listen.

#ford meta #actuallyautistic #everyone go read the wikipedia page for 'stilted speech' right now #long post #ford isnt very good at masking. he doesn't have the kind of (unintentional) autistic coding that is Palatable To Neurotypicals. #definitely looking-too-deeply-at-a-kid-cartoon right now but in *some* ways. a world where the majority of people think its easy to like an #-understand ford is a world that would feel safe for me to unmask in. #i truly truly hate that fully explaining my thoughts on ford requires me to say so much about myself. but god is it such a crime- #-to use a fictional character as a lens through which to try and explain to people how to be more understanding and accepting- #-of things like this. #making fun of stilted speech is so normalized that people don't even realize they're making fun of someone for being weird. #people think its Someone Thinking They're Better Than You but its something people lay awake at night wishing they could stop doing. #and yet they still end up using the Wrong Words and being labeled a Pretentious Asshole just for talking differently than the norm. #maybe there really are people out there who deliberately use big words to try and sound smarter than everyone else. I don't know. #all I know is. in a world where its pretty obvious that people who use a discongruently complex vocabulary get made fun of for doing that. #why would someone deliberately trying to impress people do something that would only get them laughed at. #sorry for being genuine on main. as if its my fault </3

[ganondoodle]

been able to keep both my fear and hype about totk in check by watching nothing but elden ring videos for weeks but now i read something on accident and my anxiety is going through the roof again

#ganondoodles talks #pls nintendy #dont do this #it was only a sentence with no clear spoilers or anything #but by god its put fear in my heart again #pls let totk be its own game #id even be willing to spoil myself on some stuff just to know my fear isnt based on truth #i hate that i feel like this #even if im better able to stop panic attacks before they happen #i still feel so silly for feeling so strongly about a game and its lore #but no matter what i try i cant help it #its been my thing of comfort for so long i wouldnt know what else i would focus on if i were to lose it #and it would be so much work - years of work- basically wasted #plus i would feel so bad having made people be interested only to abandon it before its even really started #the only thing giving me comfort if this was the case is knowing id just post all lore -concept art -drafts and scripts #as a sort of -this is what i had been working on for all these years- so at least the people who cared could get an idea of it #and in the unlikely case that it would be liked by alot of people #i would keep working on it despite it making no sense anymore #im rambling on trying to calm myself down #sorry #gotta be exhausting reading my anxious ass tags over and over #;__;

[starbuck]

various thoughts:

i would like to have a significant other

i would like to develop my personality a bit more before meeting a significant other

i should wait until after top surgery before even considering seeing anyone bc i’m gonna be much happier and more confident after that

i want to know my local area better

i NEED more pretentious local friends who are willing to experience new things with me in my local area

i need to read and watch and listen to and DO more and i have the time to do it now, so i need to make it happen

#there is literally just SO much i haven’t done that i need to do #every time i experience something new i am filled with more love and become more powerful #and it becomes something else i can share with others #i’ve always been hesitant to do this - but maybe i should set actual goals… #and select specific things ahead of time to keep myself on track #i think it’s fun to keep the film list loose - but i could still schedule them #and schedule out like. a book every 3 weeks or something REALLY reasonable like that #unless the book is super long and needs more time #book-scheduling makes sense to me bc i’m less sensitive about what i read than what i watch #2024 ‘resolutions’ incoming?? #i’ve never made New Year’s resolutions before bc i hate pressuring myself #but i actually WANT to do things so like. 🤷🤷 #i’m sensing some good potential here

[dazzlerdrawer]

Once you get this, you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly. Then you have to send this to ten of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool~) 🌈 🌈

[🌻🖤]

Ahhh thank you <3 and oh wow this will be. interesting. Ive never done something like this before lol. I'll give it a shot haha

I can draw. Pretty well. :)

I think its important that Im considerate, patient, and forgiving of others

I like that Im uhhhh good with animals or something

Willingness. Like when nobody wants to do this one task I do it. Ive noticed this trend everywhere I go.

kdsajfkj THIS IS SO HARD IDK IDK I LIKE THAT I SEE THRU RULES N THINGS AND USE MY OWN JUDGEMENT WHICH IS USUALLY WRONG JLKSFDJLK

Imma tag people to make life easier for myself. Feel no pressure to do it, btw! (If you dont, consider this a nice shoutout that you all are super cool)

@a-dragon-in-a-corner

@iyote

@b33py

@cottonedsy

@the-smartaleck

@pweachfwoge

@sydthegoatkid

@white-nolse

@mantatheseawing

@silvirscythie

@anyoneelsewhowannajoin

~~/=\^>

#this was so difficulttttt #it made me realize i should prob be nicer to myself #i got to two and was stumped #so i asked other people to give me ideas #(why it took so long #sorrrryy) #anyways sorry if you didnt want to be tagged ahhh #but for once i counted right and got like #the specified number yayyy #ask #ask game #i hate it when the tags are broken it makes me sad #so if yah see thaen yah see :)

[j-ellyfish]

Super tiny WIP because I'm very excited about finishing and sharing this thing but it's gonna take forever because- huh, you'll see hopefully :3

#ary makes art #hetalia #I lowkey hate the lineart because to speed up the process I made it BEFORE the coloring rather than afterwards like I always do #but ehhh even with this kind-of shortcut it's taking long enough so I'll have to go with it for once I fear lol #I think making the lineart afterwards give the lines more personality at least for my own process #but ye sometimes lawful neutral lineart can't be helped �� #lmao ok this is probably just a me problem because I can't lineart in a way that I like no matter what 😂 #unless I let myself be guided by the coloring instead of the sketch

[lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar]

Please BE EXCITED about stuff you like/ want to be excited about 💞 That's what life supposed to be about, finding joy in the smallest things, in the things we enjoy and love. And the people that judge us for having that joy in our hearts lose their own life, because they spend too much time judging someone else's life instead of doing something with their own. FUCK them

this is one of my favorite asks and i love you

#nobody will ever stop me from getting excited about things i like #i just always feel like i'm not allowed to share that excitement with anybody directly because of being made fun of in the past #or like i at least have to tone it down by like 99% and make it very brief #because of fear of rejection so i keep it to myself contained in my own space #sometimes i really wanna talk about my favorite things with somebody but i'm like #'nobody knows or cares about this. what if i send something and they hate it and tell me it's horrible' #(a reaction i've been the most used to. either that or just silence) #and i wouldn't know who would actually be interested or if i would be putting them in a situation #where they're not interested at all but they're too nice to say it and then i feel annoying if i keep talking about it #because now even if it isn't SAID that they hate it i still always feel like people are thinking that behind it all #so like if somebody came at me right now telling me everything i like is horrible #that itself wouldn't really bother me because i could just block and continue life without a second thought about that person specifically #because that's just unnecessary and rude regardless of what it's about and i would assume it's just somebody looking to stir things up #delete/block. not taking it personally and not worth thinking about #but it's the anxiety built up from it happening for so long and so consistently from so many people and some that i used to be close to #that now it feels to me that everybody feels that way even if i know LOGICALLY that it isn't true. the feeling is still there #it's one of the long-term effects that are so hard to get rid of once they're set #this is just another thing about myself to work on for probably my entire life #but russ has been helping me with so much lately it's unbelievable

[mayathescientist]

I don't trust people who are obsessed with cleanliness and personal hygiene and rely on their feelings of disgust to make a moral judgement or form an opinion about a person.

I don't trust people who make conclusions about people very easily and like to claim people with one or two words they use to define this person's place in their eyes.

I don't trust people who are popular, sociable and talk about others a lot. I don't trust people who measure everyone by how that person compares to them.

for no particular reason at all :)

#maya posts #talking to mia #vent post #Almost #I hate my roommates and the way they talk about other people behind their backs and how they treat me with discreet contempt when I'm here #and how they no doubt already talked so much shit about me when I wasn't there considering discussing other people is this favorite pastime #they're also friends with our class leader which no doubt shaped her opinion about me loooool #can't wait to turn into an exile in my uni class too hell yeah #they know nothing about my personality my interests etc and frankly they don't fucking care #as long as they see that I'm fat obviously neurodivergent in my patterns of communication and have poor hygiene and have to build self care #habits from the ground up after years of untreated mental health issues #as long as they see I don't go out as much as them don't have many friends or a boyfriend and don't rly have what's considered achievements #their judgement on me is sealed #and it would be fine if they just thought i was a loser because well socially I am and they think so too #they literally pretend I don't exist. like it's just the two of them living in the room. #all of the decisions are made without me. they cook for themselves I cook for myself. my attempts to even ask if I can move something while #cleaning are IGNORED. #all of my attempts to mend our relationship by giving them awkward gifts or clean the room every other day since I know how obsessed with #cleanliness they are #all of my attempts to make peace were IGNORED. #whenever someone knocks on our door it's always one of their friends looking for them #I'm a nobody #absolutely a nobody #I literally just don't exist. #also these girls are extremely lesbophobic and just bigoted in general I don't think they know anything about my queerness but they might be #just kinda able to tell #I literally wear boxers and flannel shirts and I own a shirt with a male cut and I have extremely short hair and wear exclusively trousers #I don't think they haven't noticed #considering the fact they cared enough to notice how often I was my hands

[dangerousdan-dan]

Just when I'm trying to be more social again, something will happen that reminds me why I'm a hermit

#vent ahead: #i tried to get my friends together to celebrate passing my exam #I'm not the kind of person who celebrates stuff about myself but I said fuck it I deserve it and I miss my friends #and they turned it into a drama and gossip fest #i don't care i really don't i just want to play cards against humanity and have a good time #i haven't seen these ppl in months and they either brought their romantic partners and ignored me alltogether #hijacked the evening and made it about them or didn't even arrive #why do they have to turn a simple celebration into something so complicated? #i hate it i hate it i hate pls get out of my house #I'm sitting here staring at the forgotten cards and food #and wondering if this is the point in life where i realize that friendships mean more to me than to the allo people around me #the older i get the more isolated i feel #and being aro makes it worse not gonna lie #i thought i could live without a partner as long as i had my friends but well #funny how that works #dan is rambling again

[lunarharp]

lazy scribbling of my baldur's gate 3 characters

#*emerges from 430 HOURS of life-changing playtime blearily like a lost and confused kitten* #i lost my interest in drawing bc everything is too sad & horrible right now. it was a luxury and privilege to lose myself in this instead #what follows will be my personal and trivial emotions about that #i'll do better proper drawings later. for me. they are both so very dear to me... deeply dear...unforgettable journeys of fate #truly have played like one possessed for the past few weeks. you have no idea. what do i do now. what do i do. #their personalities are so vivid to me though they mostly made the same choices. both intersex and they/them - canonically <3 #i missed out on FOUR PARTY MEMBERS in my first playthrough due to not understanding anything whatsoever. #gloaming ended up with wyll and pavane romanced karlach and astarion. and ended up with the one i did NOT plan on. this wasnt the plan #one of the most fulfilling romance paths i've ever..i cant say more..it all got too immersive and now i have to just.. MOVE ON ?????????? #live in THIS world where i can't gut imperialism personally and emerge alive from that? #without Long Resting? without my character requesting a kiss from their beloved after a tough day ?? #without preparing my little spells? without channelling divinity from my death god to keep us all alive? #without dyeing my man's clothes fancy colours for him? without him Approving whenever i lie and double-cross our enemies #without sharing clothes with my ex? without choosing to eat the heavy food first so that the weight is easier on her Carrying Capacity? #without orchestrating ways for all of my friends to kill the abusers that ruined their lives for a decade or even 200 years? #without experiencing degrading horrors on a daily basis but in a cathartic way where we always make it back to our rooms at the inn #WITHOUT SPEAK WITH ANIMALS??????????? #at least there's music. just like with persona 5 that will always be with me. always #like how p5 melodies take me back to those feelings. those rich and personal feelings.... BUT THIS WAS A WAY MORE NUTS EXPERIENCE #i thought i would hate it. i did at times. thought it would desensitise me to various things. it did. but there was so much more..it was... #Well anyway *continues my life* imagine if dnd was real..something to think about

[melto]

my birthday week is like a fight for my fucking life.

#like i dont like my birthday bc i dont like attention and also bc the fact i am still alive when i never planned to be is so heavy #which makes it feel like all of a sudden i have a timer and i need to kiilllmyself #but mostly. The biggest issue is i think of my exbest friend bc it was our week always even if they treated me horrible #and i would just go along with whatever they wanted even if i hated it and i just think about them think about them think about them #and i dont want them in my life but i will talk myself into missing them #and feel guilty like its my fault like i deserved everything they did to me like i should never be allowed to move past it #and then i get so embarassed over how i let them rule my life and ruin so much for me and made me break away from people i care about #but then its like im so lonely at least they were always there even if they hated me #even if they wanted me to be so miserable even if they just wanted to know they would always have someone to push around #And i still have trouble when it comes to food im still scared of opening up to people im still scared of my friends of buying new clothes #somehow everything they said to and about me was true even though none of it is and it hurt me and ruined so much #but i must have deserved it. they were supposed to know me best. and i never have known myself #so everything they had said about me has been true for so long. #every time i have the thought that i miss them i think i need to crash my car #every year it gets better every week it is easier but its been so bad recently its been so bad i feel like pieces of me are falling apart #i dont want to manifest this year it being bad bc its just starting to get easier after my total depressive state but god #im looking at are they made for me years ago and i want to rip it apart but i cant every time i try i almost throw up. #i think im going to throw up right now. #deeply pathetic. #news with isaac

[derpinette]

i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of

#also i used to get beaten to finish my food nearly daily & it would take me forever to do that like literally hours with no exaggeration #just made me hate eating even more. now my technique is eating as fast as possible before i even realize how overwhelming #the sensory experience is & i can just be done with it VS the pain&dread of eating slowly -> disgust of Everything+hyperawareness #eating tightens my muscles like i hate it so fucking much catching the food putting it in my mouth CHEWING swallowing #what a damn chore #so i always liked cheese it was my “safe food” pretty much the only thing i liked #i even hated the foods autists usually like like fries & fried chicken meatballs ETC. HATED. #i was/am more of a soup & turning all my food into varieties of Slop kind of girl nothing hard for me please... #i experienced middle school during the like ♯Thick era of the world which was honestly a good thing like for The Populace #but i felt like killing myself because i felt like an unforgivable fugly genetic failure & people did not hesitate to let me know #anyway either way i would be unhappy caus if i did gain weight during puberty i would have a meltdown about all the Changes #so i feel content for the time being about only losing the fat in my face & getting age appropriate wrinkles really #trying to enjoy the privilege of thinness while i have it because it will not last forever 0_0 but that should not matter anyway... #the privilege of thinness: being way uglier than others & constantly looking like a gibbon dying of disease + no energy or strength ever #JK people are much MUCH nicer to thin people & they do things for me on account of looking physically incapable so um yay i guess #light at the end of the tunnel that is very significant in the grand scheme of things socially. ♯CountingMyBlessings #also i was raised on ♯HAES tumblr from 2014-2018 i truly believed in that & was so damn envious i was not curvy & beautiful LOL #so i never hated overweight people really i think for the most part the SJW tumblr values stuck with me #but now i know it depends on your base frame & genetics & there is no guarantee to what you choose to do (naturally) acceptance is peace #sorry for the gigantic Arse post i just needed to get that off my chest for a long time. not on here specifically just in general #oh & i am a ♯Grignoteuse but grignoter (grazing) is different from eating in my mind&body #& my insecurity was not a result of wanting to fit in really but kind of in the sense that i wanted people to stop berating me for my looks #like body wise only & also not understanding why every other girl looked like a girl blossoming into a woman #& i looked like i was transitioning to Malnourished (unsexed) Ape made worse by bein GNC.& like the need for control later on & erthang ETC

[gelatinorifice]

Extremely counterproductive preaching body positivity while also making fun of a skinny person for having no boobs or ass. Hate to break it to you man but:

1.) Fat people can have no ass and/or boobs too and you acting as though all fat people have prominent “sexy” features is both false and implies that it is only acceptable to be fat if your body can be sexualized.

2.) Body Positivity means treating any and all body types with acceptance rather than judgement, even if you don’t find the person in question to be “attractive”

You can’t pick and choose which body types to praise and which ones to demean when it comes to being body positive. Otherwise, you aren’t being body positive. You’re just being body semi-positive, which is entirely different and misses the point of the term.

#Ramblies #I feel weird talking about this as a skinny person so if anyone who isn’t skinny would like to add to this post please feel free to do so #I just wanted to voice something that has kinda irked me for a long time in certain body positivity spaces #Or i guess ‘body positivity’ spaces #And I rly hate when people judge how u look based on how attractive they personally find you it’s rly weird to me #We aren’t made to be attractive we simply look the way we do bc we Are #‘We’ as in everyone #I hope I’ve worded myself alright

[blackswallowtailbutterfly]

So someone claimed another user I haven't interacted with had some beef with me, so I got curious and checked the blog and there's nothing there. I think that anon was bait. But anyway, juuust in case I missed something, I searched my URL in tumblr and it's the first time I've ever done that. Turns out there's a whoooole lot of ultimately unnecessary drama I've avoided by just...not searching my url. lmao I'm going to ignore everything I saw there and just continue to not search myself. lol

#admittedly there was one comment that made me say “well ouch” #but that's an opinion and a preference #nobody has to like everything about everyone #and I was tempted to respond to a person who claimed I'd blocked her when I definitely hadn't #considering she still reblogs from me from time to time lol #but it was on a post from years ago so what would be the point? #was also tempted to defend myself on the long ass essay from the anon writing to someone else #claiming I supported harassment of her demographic when I didn't mention her demographic in my posts #but nothing ever came of that #I wasn't flooded with hate anons or anything #so again what would be the point in dredging it up?

[mountain-in-springtime]

feeling sad because i don't post like i used to ;(

#i hate that being sad made me less myself and now i'm in the habit of just being less in most ways #i miss sending asks just asking how y'all are doing and saying i love y'all #i miss doing all of the tag games that people tagged me in and making all the big sentimental posts #now i can barely get the energy to do any of it and when i do it's been too long #and then i feel like i look like a shitty friend who doesn't reciprocate but i have so much love to give and reciprocate to y'all!!! #anyway sorry for being sad on here idk what's going on #mal thoughts