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#it makes me feel bad that i don’t have an Instagram worthy life
sefinaa · 5 months
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Something you need to know about yourself that is blocking your manifestations + advice (PART 2)
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YouTube | Masterlist
Tips | Paid Readings
Not a tarot card reading, only based on my intuition.
Author’s note,
Remember, no one can take away our manifestations that rightfully belong to us. You are worthy of your manifestations and deserve to blossom in your desired way.
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Pile 4:
Intuition is your key
This is a vague pile as everyone who is reading this pile is confused not on manifestation as a whole, but on the piles they are reading or seeing. I hear some of you watch many tarot card readings on YouTube, some of you, use Tumblr and Instagram for them, some of you use TikTok and the rest are either Facebook, twitter or WhatsApp (from a friend).
I am hearing some of the piles you are reading aren’t aligning with your higher self and the manifestation you want, as my intuition says, “the piles you are picking isn’t something you need, if they are not aligned with your desires, then you are not following your intuition when choosing.’’
The path we follow can stem from our heart, mind, or intuition, which path will you take?
My intuition tells me you need to pick all three piles, a majority of you either listen to your heart and some of you are very logical people who could not care enough for emotions. And yet all of you are not listening to your intuition. Yes, you chose this pile, and you got a reading fit for you, but that’s not all what intuition is focused on.
Our intuition is what saves us in the end and makes the best decisions for us. without your intuition, how can you know what works best for you? Everyone has intuition, so do not complain and make excuses that you don’t have it, you do, and it is your choice whether or not you want to follow it or listen to it. And some of you don’t even believe in it.. or even believe you have it.
Here is the best advice I can give. For the people who always follow their heart, expand your horizon and open your heart to that inner voice who means well and is always right at the end. Yes, you know exactly what voice I am speaking of, that you always shoo away.
Now for the logical ones, understand not everything can be logical. Manifestation isn’t even based on logic; it is more of a spiritual thing. If you focus on logic your whole life, you will lose the experience of your life and lose the excitement, passion and fun that this life has to offer. I hear a few of you think this world sucks and what I am saying is baloney, but that is not true. The world only sucks in your perspective because you believe it so. If you felt connected to pile 5, read that as well as it is similar to my advice for you. If you start to believe that life is good then it will be good, but this is based on emotions and your feelings, so stop blocking them out because you don’t want to be hurt. Everyone always gets hurt but they learn a lesson from it, that’s how life is at the end of the day. Attuning that fear won’t help you achieve your goal and you’re only making it worse for yourself. Start to believe in a positive belief system to go back on the right path of your manifestations.
Now for all of you, focus on your intuition on your journey, this isn’t advice, it is a must. I hear it will save one of your lives and for the rest of you, it will make everything on your journey easier.
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Pile 5:
Self sabotage
Why are you self sabotaging yourself from your manifestations you deserve? What can you seek from this outcome? Do you honestly think you’re not worthy of the things you deserve? Do you honestly think this is okay? Because it is not. We are all worthy of our desires and I truly believe those who have done bad in the past and learned to be better deserve them the same. Even those who are bad, and they manifest for something that is good, it can truly change them for the better, that’s how life works. So, who’s to say you don’t deserve it?!
Some of you don’t even realize you’re sabotaging yourself and then you’re complaining about it to whomever you believe.. when in reality you need to fix the inner issue.
How do I fix this? You deal with your inner thoughts instead of pushing them away. You can meditate on this issue and if you have trouble with it then look on YouTube for guided meditations that suit your taste. Some of you are questioning why meditation and I’ll tell you why. Meditation is one of the most powerful tools you can do for yourself for improvement or to calm the mind, so why wouldn’t you want to do this and help yourself?
Another thing you can do is notice the small things you do to sabotage yourself. For example, not being able to control your impulsive thoughts and acting on it. That’s a sabotage move. Yes, you calmed the thought, sure, but then what? More comes to you and you’re letting those thoughts win. Have you heard of the quote, ‘’your thoughts create your reality.’’ This is true. If you focus on a mindset that revolves on sabotaging yourself, then you’re creating a reality for yourself around that mindset thus causing a stall in your manifestations.
If you’re struggling to change your mindset, then start saying affirmations to yourself. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe them at that moment, you say them daily and it will change your mindset. And if you don’t want to do it daily each day, then you can say that one affirmation so much in one sitting until you believe it and then let it go, and act on it. Act on that affirmation you started to believe, and your 3D will alter into the 4D.
Sweetheart, manifestation is that incredibly easy. You can think of it as those easy games you play. You want something? You got it. You come from a mindset of negativity? No problem, work a little bit on it and then bam, you got that mindset.
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Pile 6:
Our childhood shaped us
Who told you, you cannot have doubts when manifesting and affirming? Whoever said that was not educated on manifestation. You can have doubts, everyone has it, even those who were starting the journey. Our doubts come from our childhood, how our environment shaped us and made us the person we are today. 95% of you dealt with a hard childhood, parents splitting apart, constantly fighting, many of you are orphans, and some of you dealt with a parent death.. all of this painful occurrence shapes up and our mind, but.. it is our responsibility to shape us into someone we want.
Now, let me ask you two questions. Do you want to understand how to fix the issue and take responsibility for what they have done to you, or do you want to blame everything in the world for your issues, and sulk into depression and/or your anxiety?
If you want to fix this, then keep reading, and if you’re annoyed with my bluntness, then leave, fix the issue, and come back, because you will be needing this either way.
I want you every night to say these affirmations, these are based on my intuition.
“I am the person I want to be; I am the person who deserves all of the best in the world. I do not deserve any negativity in my life, and I truly believe I deserve good as love, abundance, wealth and my manifestations ARE my birthright and no one can change my mind. No one can change my belief because I decided I will have an easy life and thus I do have an easy life. it is done, thank you.’’
I want you to say this every night when you go to bed because this is when your subconscious mind is opening a doorway to you with easy access, and your conscious mind is ‘’going to bed.’’
You will not allow yourself to have any doubts and you will ignore these, do you understand? They’re a waste of your time and your beautiful energy, and you truly deserve the best for being an amazing soul.
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ORGANIZE YOUR STUDY SPACE
Organizing your study space is really important. Avoid starting to study before that because getting up to get things you don’t have at hand will distract you. I have my own “desk organization list”. Laptop, iPad, Apple Pencil, earphones, water, fruits, my pencil case, my folders, paper, etc.
MAKE A TO-DO LIST
Make a "to do list" and plan everything out. When exactly are your exams?  How many days do you want to study for each subject? Which subject needs more time? Etc., etc.
REMEMBER WHY YOU DO THIS
Never forget what your goals are and how it will feel to achieve them. Take a short minute and close your eyes. Imagine how it will feel to reach your goals...the happiness, the joy, the impact and life you are going to have. Maybe write it down, draw it, create a vision board, etc.
IT IS OKAY TO MAKE MISTAKES
When studying we do make mistakes sometimes. I hate it. You hate it. Yes, it’s awful. But they are GOOD. You learn from them. A short anecdote of my life: If I didn’t make the mistake of dating a complete idiot, I probably would not have learned that bad boys really aren’t that great haha.
USE EXAMPLES
To really understand something, you should find examples. E. g. if you are learning about some kind of criminal law, look up cases. If you are studying about the business cycle, look up examples of different countries. Is the US in a boom? Or a depression? Has it been in a depression before? What was that like?
CREATE QUIZZES
Quizz yourself. You can use apps such as Anki or write your own flashcards. This is the most important thing when studying something by heart or learning a language. Get your flashcards out of your pocket!  And quizz yourself every single day!
FIND LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE
Meet people who are also ambitious, who share your passion for studying and have similar career goals...and maybe study with them. It is amazing to connect with people, to expand your network, enjoy similarities and feel understood! (You can also join our study/mental health group on Discord. You are very welcome here! We do live study calls, etc.)
TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY
I know, studying is important. But what is even more important is your health. Don’t drain yourself. Drink enough water, eat healthy foods. You got this. Don’t worry! Take a short break after 25 minutes every time. Just a short one. Allow yourself to breath and close your eyes. Your brain needs breaks to function!
GET ENOUGH SLEEP
A numerous amount of studies have found out that the brain processes a lot of things while sleeping. This can be very beneficial to us! Study for a few minutes before going to bed or revise what you have studied that day. It will help you remember it better.
ALWAYS BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Last but not least, please be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Everything is going to be fine. You are not alone. You are loved. You are worthy. Please remember that! I love you.
Thank you for reading! If you need help or someone to talk to, feel free to contact me or join out study group on Discord. You are very welcome! I love you!
Sophia <3
Follow my Instagram to fight procrastination.
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jackharlou · 2 years
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i was wkderong if youd do fic based on the song james by maggie rogers?
they told you how hard it was going to be, damn, even he did. he told you that one day he'll leave, but you still decided to give him your heart. it wasn't the best decision you've ever made but you could never regret it. he gave you the best memories of your teenage years.
"«Too young, too thoughtless», I said to myself"
"i don't want this to end after I leave" - he said one night. his trip was already planned, his closet was almost empty and Urban was all set to accompany him on this new life.
"against what everyone else says, I don't think it has to end" - you murmured, wanting to believe your own words.
"And I’m still hoping, waiting for you to come home"
it's been a few months since he left, and you too had already started losing contact. he was busy working and trying to grow his contacts, and you were working and studying. life was hectic for you two and it was pulling you away really fast. Christmas and New Years Eve came and you really deep down expected him to come home, but he never did.
"May you stay safe and happy all of your days"
"i think he really believes in me and in my talent. i can tell how hard he has been working to help me grow, to get me connected" - he said over a facetime video call you had been planning for almost a week now.
the way he spoke, the shine he had in his eyes, how excited he was sharing his stories and experiences... it seemed worthy, the pain, you mean. he seemed happy, these new people you have never met were taking care of him and his dream... he was happy and in a safe place, so you were happy too.
"Maybe you found a far prettier lover"
"Brazilian artist, Anitta, was seen pretty close to emerging rapper, Jack Harlow. Sources say they were seen dancing and being very affectionate before leaving the party together through the back exit" - you read on a Instagram post you saw on the search section of the app.
you only took a deep breath, turned off your phone and tried to pay attention to the teacher in front of you. the class was over without you realizing or taking a single note.
you entered a coffee shop and when you looked at the screen behind the barista there was a video playing; "Downtown" by J Balvin and Anitta. you've never heard of her and you couldn't help but think "she's so pretty"
the barista looked up to the screen and nodded - "she's so hot" - apparently you said it out loud. you only smiled slightly at the guy and waited for your coffee with your mind running so fast.
"And on my birthday I told you, «Don't worry, there’ll be other days.»"
"I'll try my hardest to be there, i promise" - he knew how important birthdays were for you, and how much you loved to celebrate them, including yours.
being at your party you couldn't help but think that the guy who has been there for your birthday parties since you were ten wasn't there, but you weren't mad, on that specific day he got the opportunity to meet one of his favorite DJs and producers.
"I'll make it up to you, baby, i promise" - he seemed sincere and hurt because he failed you.
"it's ok" - you faked a smile, trying to make him believe your words - "there'll be other days to celebrate"
"I’ll always be happy if you choose to call
Or write me a letter saying all that you saw"
"am i bothering you? you seem busy" - you had your phone standing against the computer screen of your office. while talking to him you were doing some work that required a lot of your attention, but you would take any chance to talk to him.
"jack, you can call anytime. i always have time for you" - your words made him feel bad, because he was noticing how lately he only called you a few times, when you used to talk daily. he also noticed how you never called, it was always him. he knew it was because you didn't want to bother and just expected him to dedicate some time to you.
"No don’t be a stranger, no don’t go too far"
"wow, that's huge" - he was showing you the 'KY' necklace he got recently. it seemed odd to you, because he was never someone who liked to brag about money or material things, but, it's been almost a year now. people change, specially him with how much and how fast his career has grown. he wasn't the same boy you said goodbye to at the entrance of his old house.
"Just know in the city, you’ll always have a place to stay"
"i'll be going home soon. i have a show there, and i'm really dying to see you" - he texted you after you couldn't pick up for phone because you were on a date, a date he didn't know about.
when he told you the day he'll be arriving, you marked it down on your calendar.
days later, being really close to jack's arrival, this new guy you were hanging out with invited you on a quick road trip to visit his sister. you had to tell him the truth; you couldn't give him more than a friendship. luckily he understood, and giving you your space, he left.
"with me you'll always have a place to stay" - you randomly texted, making you feel so dumb after you hit the send button. you would have felt better if you had seen the smile on his face after he checked his phone.
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Tag: @skybridgerton
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pattytacuri · 2 years
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"Remember this feeling of hopelessness, sadness, desperation, and loneliness. You’ve hit rock bottom but won’t remain here. So most likely you’ve never been loved by a hand that’s touched you. That’s okay. You are a fucking Incan Queen. Fuck all those fucking dudes. You’re worthy and if you end up alone with your cats, That’s okay. Totally cool. Fuck everyone else. Also, slow down on the drinking. You need your liver. You don’t have to repeat your dad’s story. You are more than your trauma. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. You deserve to be loved, like you need to be loved and maybe you need to do the job yourself. No one else can do it for you. You can’t keep crying or dwelling over the same shit over again. Use it to inspire you and be a badass bitch. These motherfuckers will see one day. Regret the day they forgot about you or left you or treated you like shit. All bitches will be a fucking distant memory one day. Keep going Queen! You got this . Maybe sadness will come, loneliness will be a constant but find the strength within yourself to keep going. You’re a writer . You’ll be like Zelda, Sylvia but won’t go insane or kill yourself. You’re amazing. You were wanting to find something tonight and it was your strength to be alone. No one can give you that. Make a plan for your escape. Love yourself. Love your kids. Love your friends. Love your parents. Everyone else can go to fucking hell. Don’t waste too much energy on them. Amazing things are going to happen this year and next year. Just watch. You won’t be as sad someday soon. "
I wrote the above in March of 2019 in a drunken haze at some bar during a major depressive episode. I read this today and was rather introspective. Today I finally came out of the suicidal ideation mode I was in for the past few days. Reading this gave me hope that no matter how low I feel, I will always have a voice in me to be strong and keep going. There will always be something to look forward to or get excited about. 😊 Like today I got so excited about sour patch energy drinks and cuatro leches cake! I was so excited I got a weird look from my coworker. I had to find a way to tone down my excitement so I wouldn't be accused of being manic. I know I'm not like a "normal" adult because duh I'm bipolar and have BPD and my feelings are intense but I don't want to be "normal". When I was in high school, I had this shirt that said "normal is boring" and honestly it is. I mean obviously I have to maintain some kind of semblance of normal at work but outside of it...idgaf anymore. Lately I look at Britney Spears Instagram and I'm so inspired by how raw and free she's in her posts. I understand the perspective of people who are concerned about her but I'm like...damn I get it. Constantly functioning under society's constraints and pressures of who you should be when you're untamed and wild at heart makes you miserable. The past five years have been this journey to finally accepting and loving this version of me. The one that's weird AF, eccentric, spontaneous, my crazy creativity, mood swings, stretchmarked body, cringy taste of music, etc, etc. My mom made me laugh today with her take on gratitude but it made me think as I'm writing this post. I'm grateful for everything that's happened the past 5 years even the shit that's felt tragic or heart breaking cause it's brought me to this moment of coming out of a really bad depressive episode filled with gratitude for my life, contentment, excitement for what's to come next, and an eagerness to keep going. Life may get lonely being eccentric and crazy AF me but at least I'm no longer this miserable person living for the acceptance or the validation from others. LIKE I said in 2019, I'm an Incan Queen 👸 and fuck everyone who doesn't like me. 🤣😭🥰 nah...I guess the more mature thing my therapist taught me was to accept that not everyone will be for me and that's okay. And my mom always tells me, "don't wish bad things onto them, let them go and move forward" . I hope I'm this excited as I'm stocking product tomorrow for 8 hours 🤣🤣😭😭 .
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r0t1ndy1n · 6 months
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I always feel like I’m a bad person for hoping my friends check In on me when i start to get worse. I feel even shittier when every time with ought fail none of them do. I know some of them are feeling the same kinda emptiness that I am, I know how debilitating it can be and how impossible and humiliating it can feel to talk to anyone when u feel all hollowed out, and I know they might not know how to start the conversation because I usually don’t. But I’ll try my best even though I know whatever I say most likely can’t make it better. Constantly, I feel like I’m not even worth the effort of a single text. It makes me a little sick to see them out enjoying their lives with their other friends or their boyfriends and girlfriends, while I’ve been rotting in bed and they’ve been ignoring me for the past week. I feel like that’s how it goes over and over again. Tapping through snap and instagram stories watching them have fun while I’m in bed until I finally text or call first and see if they want to hangout. It just hurts seeing everyone else in my life with someone they can go too if they really can’t take it anymore and need someone there or even just to talk on the phone. People have said they’d be that for me or maybe they tried for a little but no one has ever really wanted to stay my friend and I never get told why. It makes me feel like I’m not worthy of having people around me. I’m scared I’m never gonna have people in my life who truly care about me and not just when I’m on the verge of suicide. I could just be jealous and bitter. Maybe there’s an excuse for why no one wants to be close to me maybe my sadness has made me an angry type of person I’ve always hated. I just don’t understand how it’s been like this with all kids of people my entire life. I just wish I hadn’t been so alone all my life now whenever I make friends it’s like i don’t do it right or something, I can’t keep them around. I aways eventually end up doing something wrong or acting the wrong way and at some point they decide they’ve had enough and just slowly stop reaching out. To me the worst part about it is I never know why. I just end up feeling shitty about everything about me. Maybe I wasn’t funny enough or was I annoying or too boring or weird. I just wish I knew what about the way I am constantly makes me the last option for every kinda relationship so I can at least try and fix it.
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feminist-space · 4 years
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"“Oh, look,” I deadpan as I read the latest message from someone letting me know that they saw my photo on TikTok being shared in a hurtful way. “Surprise, surprise!”
I joke because I’m definitely not surprised. As a disabled woman, people ridiculing and mocking my appearance is practically the most predictable thing about social media.
I was born with Freeman-Sheldon syndrome, a genetic bone and muscular disorder, and I’m also a freelance writer and disability activist, which means that part of my job is being very active and visible on social media. And because I look different, people have called me everything from “disgusting” to “a blobfish” to saying that I should be banned from posting photos of myself because I’m too ugly.
I’d thought I’d seen it all. But a few weeks ago, I discovered it was happening again on TikTok through something called the New Teacher Challenge. It’s the latest viral trend in which parents show their children photos of disabled people, who they say is their child’s new teacher. The kids' reactions — typically frightened and embarrassed — is filmed, of course. And it’s all done for a laugh.
I’m not laughing, though, because none of this is funny. I’m utterly disgusted.
When motivational speaker and author Lizzie Velasquez recently discovered that her photo was being used by a mom who filmed her son’s terrified reaction, she took to her Instagram to condemn the trend and call on parents to set a better example for their children.
“TikTok, I need your help,” she explained. “If you are an adult who has a young human in your life, please do not teach them that being scared of someone who doesn't look like them is okay. Please. Everything that these kids need to know about empathy and being kind to one another starts at home.”
Adults who actually think this is okay, and worse...even funny, should know better. There’s absolutely no excuse. They should be the ones teaching their children how harmful and hurtful these pranks are, not laughing in the background as their child recoils at the sight of a disabled person. We live in a society where people who look “different” are seen as ugly and grotesque; those messages start being taught at a young age. Think about how many Disney villains have some sort of deformity.
I can’t help but feel sorry for their children. Imagine your mom filming a vulnerable moment, one where you can't help but burst into tears, and they actually post it for the whole world to see. How is humiliating your child, or watching other children go through that, a source of amusement?
The TikTok prank has only reinforced how important disability representation is, especially given the fact that 61 million adults in the United States live with a disability — that’s one in four. Beyond that, we need to normalize seeing people who don’t look like us or our family members. We need to teach the next generation that our differences should be celebrated, not feared or mocked.
“We need to stop acting like a face that is different is inherently bad or scary, or something worthy of a ridiculous and cruel TikTok trend,” says writer Ariel Henley, who was born with Crouzon syndrome, and no stranger to cruel words being lobbed her way online. “I dream of the day when a face like mine is so normal it’s a non-issue.”
So far, TikTok hasn’t done much to combat this online hate. When people report accounts that have been using my photos in this challenge, they’ve received statements that TikTok has found no violation of the platform’s rules. It’s not just there. When I’ve reported Twitter accounts for posting photos of a blobfish to bully me, more often than not, Twitter says it doesn’t violate any rules either.
I want to be clear: I am violated. Every single time. Each photo, taunt, and cruel word is a clear violation of my dignity and my worth as a human being. And every time these platforms fail to take action, they’re sending the message that this bullying is okay. So many disabled people have become inured to our appearance being mocked. That’s not something we should ever have to get used to.
One of my favorite disability activists is Carly Findlay, an Australian writer who was born with a rare severe skin condition that causes a facial difference. She regularly fights back against people who mock her appearance online. After Reddit linked to her blog in 2013 and a flood of hateful comments ensued, she took her power back by actually responding to the post by educating people about her facial difference.
“This turned the responses from disgusted and hateful to more empathetic,” she said. “My confidence soared.”
Findlay wants to see a future where young people grow up being “accepting and inclusive and never fearful.” This hope for a brighter, less ableist future is the reason I continue to be so visible and vocal on social media.
Disabled writer Karin Hitselberger also routinely posts selfies on social media in an attempt to normalize disabilities, which are a “beautiful part of the natural diversity of our world.”
“The trend teaches people that disabled people are something to be afraid of,” she says. “Trends like this one perpetuate the narrative that we are less than human.”
Disabled people aren’t here for your ridicule. We’re not punchlines. We’re people. It’s my hope that more people (and platforms, too — TikTok, I’m also looking at you) join us in this fight. We need you all. Disabled or not."
https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2020/08/9987054/new-teacher-challenge
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astrologymaniac22 · 3 years
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VERTEX SIGNS.
follow me on instagram too: astrologymaniac_
WHAT IS VERTEX?
The Vertex represents experiences over which we have no control. Therefore, the vertex is tied more to fate and karmic patterns. It also represents innate qualities that are not being used. The Vertex is known as a gate which opens a new world to a person's life.
ARIES VERTEX: problems with identity which can lead to jealously and anger. You may feel the need to express bad emotions. You're drawn to situations where you have to take charge. When the vertex is activated you may explode your feelings on to others.
TAURUS VERTEX: calculated creativity may be preventing you from your true potential. You may be afraid of looking dumb or making mistakes. This is an internal feeling that you don't share with others. This can also indicate an obsession with material items and a difficulty letting them go.
GEMINI VERTEX: You may be a nervous person. You may be forced to constantly prove your beliefs and constantly collect knowledge to feel like you're worthy. Communicating with facts will be what you're called to do.
CANCER VERTEX: You're a hysterical person. There are heavy emotions with the family especially the mother. Your vertex is asking you to get emotionally involved in everything you do. You have deep desires for your family and home life.
LEO VERTEX: You may have a fear of your own death that makes you incredibly sad. Creativity will help you greatly in this lifetime. You may naturally ignore the feelings of others because you're so focused on your own. You need to become aware of your individuality and practice helping others.
VIRGO VERTEX: You are prone to obsessive behavior. This vertex wants you to use your logic but also admit to your own mistakes. Accepting criticism is a big challenge here but by developing conscious habits it will become easier.
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this is part 1!!! also, i'm sorry for not posting:/ i just didn't feel like it but finally i'm on my summer break so i'll have more time to post! :)
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missmentelle · 5 years
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Let’s talk about Instagram “influencer” culture. 
My younger brother and his girlfriend are Instagram influencers. They aren’t household names with a million fans apiece, but they each have a decent following. They’ve been featured in various lists and roundups of people whose lives and relationships are #goals, and they both earn a steady income from Instagram. Not enough to make a full-time living, but enough to make pouring hundreds of hours into their Instagram careers worth their while. 
Despite being so close to an Instagram influencer - several of the most popular photos on my brother’s account were taken by me - I have some serious qualms about Instragram “influencer” culture as a whole. I studied the impact of platforms like Instagram in graduate school - I have a master’s degree in clinical psychology, and I spent part of my time in grad school working with a professor who studies the impact of social media on mental health. A recent study found that out of all social media platforms, Instagram is the worst for your mental health. I’ve also had the chance to see firsthand what a life lived on Instagram has meant for my brother, and the toll it continues to take on him. 
So what makes Instagram influencer culture so toxic for both the people who create it and the people influenced by it? For starters: It’s faker than you think. Instagram stars intentionally market themselves as “authentic” and “real” - you are led to believe that you are getting an unfiltered glimpse into someone’s daily life as you follow along with their pictures and their daily stories. In reality, however, a huge amount of time, effort and money goes into the images you see. My brother and his girlfriend take hundreds of photos in order to get one or two shots worthy of posting. Outings are often little more than photoshoots; a “hike” is often just a short walk to a scenic location, followed by hours of photos. Ditto for ice skating, beach days and photos from music festivals. They don’t get to enjoy many of the activities they are depicted doing with big smiles on Instagram, because the focus is on capturing the perfect photo. Photos are often planned weeks in advance, vacations are booked based on which locations will make the best backdrops, and the fancy food in their pictures often goes cold while they get the perfect shot. The fact that they want to create beautiful images is not an issue - after all, the pictures in many mainstream ads are stunning. The issue is that they’re specifically pretending not to be models or advertisers; they are intentionally leading you to believe that what you’re seeing is candid daily life. Which leads me to...
It presents unattainable ideals as everyday life. Instagram influencers roll out of bed in perfect and tastefully-decorated apartments, eat nutritious and visually stunning meals, and lead full, active lives of glamour and adventure. Their skin is never flawed, their hair never out of place, and their outfits never tacky. Again, this isn’t a problem if you are creating an advertisement or a TV show - something that your viewers know is manufactured to look perfect - but Instagram stars hinge their success on pretending that that level of non-stop perfect is their average, daily life. In reality, my brother’s girlfriend piles dirty laundry and books in her bathtub so that her bedroom looks “minimalist” in her photos, and the two of them post weeks-old starry-eyed couple photos with gushy captions even when they are on the verge of breaking up. Influencers themselves tend to be young, attractive, white, thin, able-bodied, middle-class cis people - an ideal that is already unattainable for most people - and yet they present themselves as totally average people. When flaws and problems are revealed, it’s often in a very controlled way, and generally tied in with some kind of pithy advice or mantra. Which brings us to...
It encourages people with no credentials to hand out “expert” advice. This is probably one of the most damaging aspects of influencer culture. 22-year-olds with absolutely no formal training in nutrition, mental health, medicine, dermatology or fitness are handing out “expert” wellness advice - or even designing diets, skincare routines, and workout regimens for others - and feeling increasingly comfortable doing it. Vulnerable people who may have very serious issues lap this advice up, regardless of how unsound or untested it may be; after all, these influencers appear to have perfect lives, and it’s easy to assume that they must know the secrets of health, happiness and clear skin. There are a couple of huge problems with this. For one, many people aren’t actually aware of why they are successful - if a conventionally attractive cis white woman whose parents financially support her tells you that the secret to avoiding stress is meditation and mud masks, you should be skeptical of that advice. People in positions of relative privilege are often blind to the many advantages they have, and will attribute their success to their “wellness routines” or “positive thinking”, rather than the social advantages that are not available to many of their followers. Also, influencers are often peddling advice that they themselves do not follow. My brother’s girlfriend makes money by selling advice on how to make a full-time living while travelling the world, despite the fact that she isn’t actually able to do that. Many influencers who promote extremely restrictive diets and health regimes have admitted that they themselves do not follow these diets. People who are feeling deeply insecure about their bodies, relationships, careers, lifestyles and productivity are turning to advice from people who aren’t qualified to help. And why does every Instagram star suddenly seem to be offering themselves up as a “wellness” expert? It’s because...
It exists to sell you things, while pretending otherwise. As much as the influencer community presents itself as being all about “authenticity”, “expression”, “empowerment”, or “wellness”, at the end of the day, it is all about trying to sell you things, even if that means exploiting your deepest insecurities. A company that employs plus-sized models to represent their $90 leggings is still a company that, at the end of the day, is trying to sell you $90 leggings, and if they have to pay someone to convince you that these leggings are the only thing standing between you and finally loving your body and having the courage to chase your dreams, then that’s exactly what they are going to do. It is an advertisement, dressed up as self-help and inspiration from an ordinary person who just wants you to succeed. If you find that you feel bad about yourself after a couple of minutes of scrolling through your instagram feed, that’s the impact that the app is meant to have on you. People who are completely satisfied with themselves and their lives don’t buy things they don’t need - making you feel like your life should be better is the key to selling you a wide variety of products. 
Does all this mean that Instagram is evil, or that influencers are bad people? Of course not. They are people trying to make money through self-expression, and many produce interesting and engaging content. Many of them are very young, and may not think about the impact that they might be having on their followers. I certainly don’t think that any of them set out to deceive people. But it is important to think critically about the media we consume, the purpose of that media, and the message it carries. I have known many people, both personally and professionally, who find that they feel worse about themselves after spending an afternoon scrolling through social media, and I think it’s important for all of us to examine why that may be, and take steps to protect our own mental health.
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selfhelpforstudents · 2 years
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1. Organize your study space
Organizing your study space is really important. Avoid starting to study before that because getting up to get things you don’t have at hand will distract you. I have my own “desk organization list”. Laptop, iPad, Apple Pencil, earphones, water, fruits, my pencil case, my folders, paper, etc.
2.     Make a plan and get control of your calendar
Make a "to do list" and plan everything out. When exactly are your exams?  How many days do you want to study for each subject? Which subject needs more time? Etc., etc.
3.     Mistakes are good
When studying we do make mistakes sometimes. I hate it. You hate it. Yes, it’s awful. But they are GOOD. You learn from them. A short anecdote of my life: If I didn’t make the mistake of dating a complete idiot, I probably would not have learned that bad boys really aren’t that great haha.
4.     Find examples
To really understand something, you should find examples. E. g. if you are learning about some kind of criminal law, look up cases. If you are studying about the business cycle, look up examples of different countries. Is the US in a boom? Or a depression? Has it been in a depression before? What was that like?
5.     Test yourself
Quizz yourself. This is the most important thing when studying something by heart or learning a language. Get your flashcards out of your pocket!  And quizz yourself every single day!
6.     Take regular breaks and sleep for 8 hours
I know, studying is important. But what is even more important is your health. Don’t drain yourself. You got this. Don’t worry! Take a short break after 25 minutes every time. Just a short one. Allow yourself to breath and close your eyes. Your brain needs sleep and breaks to function!
7.     Study before going to sleep
A numerous amount of studies have found out that the brain processes a lot of things while sleeping. This can be very beneficial to us! Study for a few minutes before going to bed or revise what you have studied that day. It will help you remember it better.
8.     Eat good foods
I know you don’t want to hear this… A pizza is quite nice. But is it good for you? Probably not. Food is fuel. But we need good fuel to function properly. Eat nutritious foods and be good to your body. It really needs a healthy diet to maintain your health and stay happy. Also: Your brain needs calories. Don’t starve yourself. Aaaand, remember to drink enough water. I recommend watching “The Game Changers” on Netflix.
9.     Exercise
Working out can be extremely beneficial to you. Not just for your physical strength but also for your mental health and productivity, studies have found. Going for a run or going to the gym can increase your overall well-being! So let’s go! I’m getting ripped tonight, RIP that… umm sorry.
10.  Be kind to yourself
Last but not least, please be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Everything is going to be fine. You are not alone. You are loved. You are worthy. Please remember that! I love you.
Feel free to join my #selfhelpforstudents100Days challenge (aka me doing the 100 Days of Productivity Challenge and motivating y'all haha).
Also feel free to join our study/mental health server on Discord. We’re doing self help “group therapy” calls, studying together and much more. We’re stronger together!
We are currently working on a website to help students with studying and mental health issues. My post about it.
Love, Sophia
Follow my Instagram to fight procrastination.
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colorseeingchick · 3 years
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Cheer You Up, Calm you Down (Oikawa, Hanamaki, Matsukawa)
Life is full of ups and downs! And the downs can come in all forms. But no matter what it is and how you seek to be comforted, these boys will have your back.'
A/N: This is part 3 in the series! All the boys are given different Y/Ns with different personalities and specific scenarios. They can all be read as either platonic or romantic - you decide
Warnings: Language; mentions of stalking in Mattsun's
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Oikawa Tooru: With a Baddie Y/N
That bitch.
Honestly, this was not what you needed on a Tuesday morning. And before you had even had caffeine? Unacceptable.
Hate comments on your posts were something you were used to. Now, at no point did you think they were right in any way. You’re the embodiment of ‘bad bitch’ energy, and nothing anybody said would convince you otherwise. But what really gets under your skin is when your cousin comments passive aggressive BS to try and get up in your business.
And you were patient, too. You let it slide the first, like, seven times. But when she dropped a “if you’re a pick me that’s desperate for a boyfriend, you can just say that” under a carefree selfie of yours, you lost your cool.
You are many things, but being a ‘pick-me’ and ‘desperate’ were not among them. You pride yourself on your independence and self-assured aura. So that type of slander on your feed was where you drew the line.
Instantly, you text your best friend.
You: Bitches really do be tryna start shit.
Oikawa: It's me I’m bitches
Lol but seriously what’s happening
You: [image attached] lol
Oikawa: ??? excuse me
Who tf are they and what’s their problem?
You: She’s my cousin and idk she hates me for some unknown reason
Have you not seen her comment before?
Oikawa: No I usually just stare at your pretty pictures I don’t bother with the weirdos in your comments
But I guess I should start
Block her b
You: I CAN’T she’s literally my cousin
Knowing her she would tattle like the brat she is to my mom
I’m literally SO MAD why tf is she coming at me like this??? like?
Oikawa: what are we, 3?
But also ok I get that
How are you feeling tho
You: eh.
Oikawa: you wanna talk about it?
You: Like, idk.
I’m not desperate. I don’t think I come off that way at least, yk? That’s just not my vibe and the thought that someone thinks that I am is like…. Idk it makes me feel a lil sucky. Cuz I worked up to the self confidence I have. And I don't want to be in a public relationship rn but I don’t like the idea of coming off as desperate at allllll ugh WHY TF IS SHE COMING AT ME
Sorry that was a lot lol
Oikawa: first off-
Ur fine lol
You’re not desperate. You could literally be with any man, woman, person you wanted, you're that hot. You’d only date the worthy so don’t let ANYONE tell you off for having standards and just being confident and sharing your confidence
Cannot believe some irrelevant side character managed to make my lovely Y/N all bothered. Smh. Lemme see a pic of this girl.
You: [image attached] here’s her insta
Oikawa: LMAO
Babe
She’s so jealous
She literally WISHES she was you omg
I mean I also wanna be you ur hot
But yeah I think this is definitely coming from a place of insecurity and projection. She can’t get on your level, so she’s tryna just drag you down to her level, yk?
If I ever see this girl in person tho, that won’t end well
For her.
I’ll be fine
Uh also check insta :)
Unsure of what Oikawa is talking about, you swipe over to instagram. You pause, a smile growing over your face in confusion and amusement as you see what the Seijoh boys had posted.
Matsukawa had posted a pic of you two from one of your shopping adventures. He had it captioned “Can’t be a pick-me when they’re literally the one who gets to do the picking- gottem.”
Hanamaki had posted an iconic selfie of the two of you, captioning it “The only time Y/N and 'desperate' should be in the same sentence is when I’m telling Y/N how desperate I am for them 🥵.” You laugh at that one.
Iwa posted your favorite pic of you two - when you had gone to the gym and took a pre-workout mirror snap, his arms wrapped around your shoulders. He opted for no caption, but it said a lot.
You: AYO WHAT IS THIS
Oikawa: Ur unbothered nature is always so admirable and should stay that way. So I had the boys do the dirty work ;)
You: With insta posts?
Oikawa: Ye ok SO
I checked and found out she follows all 4 of us LOL who woulda known. So she’ll see them. A lil shade never hurt anybody~
You: Y’all are too much.
Oikawa: I woulda posted literally a collage of all our pics together but, I don’t want my fangirls to get on your ass. You’re dealing with enough rn
You: Tooooo much Tooru
Oikawa: You love me though ;)
You: Yes I do
my petty king <3
Oikawa: hehe I like the sound of that
Hanamaki Takahiro: With a fuming Y/N
You stared at your phone in disbelief.
Hey, so I already have 2 roommates and most apartments can’t house more than 3 people ~ so I can’t room with you anymore. Sorry.
Complete, and UTTER bullshit. Every bit of it. It was only 2 days prior that you’d talked to them about your plan to be roommates, which you’d been planning for for over a year. And you knew for a fact that apartments with more than 3 people were definitely in existence.
But you weren’t going to waste a bit more of your time on someone like that. “Ah, okay,” you text back.
Thanks for being so understanding :)
Tsk. Please.
You’re fuming at the texts, doing everything you can to mitigate your impulsive desires to go off on them, when you hear a triple knock at your door. You swing it open to see Hanamaki leaning against your doorway. He looks so relaxed with his hands buried deep into his pockets, a coy smirk playing on his lips.
“Heya you ready to go to-” he pauses, scanning your face, his eyebrows furrowing. “-what. Who died.”
You scoff at his brash remark, ready to slam the door on him, but he catches it.
“Was it your cat? I know you don’t have a cat but still.”
You chuck your phone over to Makki before you jump onto your bed.
“Read it.”
“I’ll read it, but on the way.”
“On the way where?”
“You forgot? We’re meeting with Mattsun and his girl. His best friends can’t be pulling up late AND in a bad mood, so I’m gonna deal with both at the same time.”
“At the same time?”
“Double homicide.”
You roll your eyes at the dumb reference. “Fine.”
As you both walk out of your freshman dorm, Makki’s one hand stays in his pocket while the other holds your phone. Once outside, he extends your phone back to you so you can unlock it, and it’s only a minute later that Makki stops in his tracks.
“What,” you ask.
“What typa bullshit is this?”
“That’s what I’m saying!!”
“Haven’t y’all been planning to room together since the beginning of this year?”
“Yeah.”
“Bullshit!!!”
“Aren’t you supposed to be making me feel better?”
“Fuck that, I’m just as mad as you are.” He sighs and checks your phone again - now for the time. “Shit. I really don’t wanna be late again... Mattsun is gonna kill me.” He grabs your hand and begins to tug you along, and you can’t help but laugh at the way he’s storming down the sidewalk. “Listen to me. They ain’t all that great anyways. You’re like, top tier roommate material. Finding a better roommate and a better housing situation will be a cakewalk for you.”
That reassurance really was what you needed just now. You couldn’t help but wonder if you weren’t likable enough to live with, or what the matter was. But knowing that fun and chill Makki deemed you a good roommate felt nice. But that didn’t change the fact that-
“I still don’t like being snaked.”
“I don’t like it either. Fuck them. But you probably dodged a bullet.” Makki huffs as he squeezes your hand, signaling you to stop. He puts your phone in his free pocket and pulls out his phone at the same time (he evidently forgot that letting go of your hand is also an option). As his thumb taps away at google maps, he scans the area before starting up again, “if they’re a snake, you wouldn’t wanna be living with them. They at least revealed their true colors sooner than later. Just take the high ground and cut them off now. It’s clean for you and it’ll bite them in the ass sooner than later.”
As Makki finally guides you to the restaurant front door, he stops abruptly before turning towards you. “You okay for now?”
“I’ll be fine. I’m still salty, but a lot less mad now.”
“Good. Stay less mad. Cuz if you get really mad in there again, it’s over for the both of us.”
“Why both?”
“Cuz if you get mad, I’ll get mad with you. And that won’t be a good first impression on Mattsun’s girl, will it?”
“I don’t know - we’re already 20 minutes late, I don’t know how much worse we could make it.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault we got lost!”
It definitely was his fault. But it’s your turn to grab his hand and tug him into the restaurant, laughing.
Matsukawa Issei: With a Y/N who hides their feelings
The tiles in your kitchen are icy, stinging the bottom of your feet as you gently pace in circles, the ringer of your phone vibrating in your ears until you hear him pick up.
“Hey, what’s up?” His deep voice feels a little muddled over the phone, but the warmth is ever present. You sigh in relief a little just at the sound of it.
“Mattsun.”
“That is my name, yeah.”
You dryly chuckle, “Hello, I need to talk to you.”
“I figured- that’s usually why you make a phone call.” You swear you can almost hear the smirk on his face.
“I’m kinda pissed off right now.”
“Mkay. What pissed you off?”
And so you tell your story. You were talking to this guy a few months ago, 5 months ago maybe? And he started to show a lot of red flags so you cut him off and thought that it was the end of it. You kept ghosting him whenever he texted you, and it was all fine until he had joined the club you were in. He kept tryna insult you, attack you, do anything to get a reaction out of you, and he would text you after every attempt. But you’d never respond. That seemed to be the best option.
That was until one day he sent you a picture of your address. He’d somehow gotten your mail, and he sent a picture of the mailing address with your name on top, which you just shrugged off as a mistake on the end of the postal office.
You were just mad that he’d not stopped texting you and attacking you, and you didn’t know what else to do about it at this point. You just felt like ranting, is all you said.
“...Y/N what the fuck.”
“He’s so annoying, right?”
“How long ago did this happen?”
“It’s been a couple of days.”
“Did he say anything with the text when he sent you your address?”
“No, it was just a picture of my mail.”
“...Y/N, where are you right now?” It was hidden, but you could hear the panic in his voice.
“I’m...I’m home right now.”
“Do you feel safe?”
One thing you always had to hand to Matsukawa was that, although he looked half asleep and sometimes played dumb, he was very vigilant. He knew what was up. And he just so happened to exactly know the question that you’d been trying to avoid.
“Not really…. No.”
“You should’ve called earlier, Y/N. Are your parent’s home?”
“...no, it’s just me.”
“Then I’m coming over right now. You stay put.”
"Okay," Your voice betrays you and reveals your stress.
"Hey," He calls out before hanging up, "You're gonna be alright, okay? "
“Thank you, Mattsun.”
“I’ll be there in 5.”
When you open the door, you see the concern glistening in Mattsun’s eyes. “Can I come in?” He tugs his shoes off before stepping inside, shutting and locking the door behind him. Opening his arms, he walks towards you before protectively wrapping his arms around your back.
“Why didn’t you say anything till now, sweetheart?”
Your heart stutters at the nickname. You knew he only called you anything endearing when he was really worried.
“I didn’t want to…”
“Worry me?”
“That, and I didn’t really wanna accept it, I think. It’s a bit weird, right?”
“More than a bit weird. I don’t wanna freak you out but I also have to be real with you… he has your address now. Which he didn’t have before. And he let you know he has it, but didn’t say anything else….”
“I know. It’s weird. And I’m kinda scared, too. Maybe I’m just being paranoid-”
“Noooo. Don’t start that.” Mattsun cuts you off, holding your shoulders. “ I’m so fucking tired of watching people I love feel stupid because they’re afraid. Afraid of people who made them feel unsafe. That shit doesn’t add up.” Mattsun drops to your height, his large hand gently holding your neck. “Your feelings are valid, sweetheart. He’s a creep, and it’s okay to be afraid of him.” Grabbing his hand, you tug his grip around your back and lean into his chest. “Thank you, Mattsun.”
“No problem." He muffles into your hair, holding you for a bit. "Now let’s go.”
“Where?”
“We’re gonna buy you a knife. And some pepper spray. If he even dares try and come up to you anywhere, make his life absolute hell.”
“I like the sound of that.”
“But don’t worry too much. If me, Iwa, Oikawa, or Makki are around, you won’t even have to lift a finger. We’ll beat the shit out of him ourselves.”
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Notes:
Mattsun's and Makki's are the exact situations I'm going through rn lmao.
Y/N's cousin from Oikawa's proceeded to unfollow all of the Seijoh boys and delete her comment from Y/N's post. Dubs.
I don't know if anyone remembers that "damn, Double homicide" tiktok audio but that's what I was referencing in Makki's.
Mattsun told Makki and Y/N a time that was 15 minutes early because he knew they would never be on time.
But they were late anways. Mattsun was gonna be mad at Y/N and Makki - but then he saw the way they held hands and said nothing.
Mattsun and Iwa saw Y/N's stalker in the city and threatened him till he cried :) (God I wish this was true lmao)
Oikawa's Y/N is inspired by my best friend.
OIkawa was gonna post but then
Lemme know how the characterizations were on this one!
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luvdsc · 4 years
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mark lee sucks at technology.
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tap the heart if you have a big, fat, embarrassing crush on your best friend!
pairing :: lee mark x reader genre :: fluff / best friend + social influencer au word count :: 5,883 words warnings :: none playlist :: dumb stuff (lany) ⋆ feeling (coin) ⋆ so far so good (gabrielle aplin) ⋆ electric love (børns) ⋆ love by mistake (bad suns) author’s note :: i was debating if i should post it on his bday instead, but i decided to drop it earlier, so uh, happy (approx. one week early) bday to mister absolutely fully capable (except when it comes to tech stuff) !!!! thank you for blessing us with your god tier raps ♡ ↳ part of the not clickbait series.
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In your required upper division business course aptly titled “Essential Marketing Strategies,” you had learned about a concept called personal brands. A personal brand is explained as the first impression a person wishes to perceive based on their own experiences, qualifications, and achievements. Your professor had told you and your classmates to pick three words to define your own brand. For instance, you chose to label yourself as charismatic, fun, and creative.
Your best friend’s brand would be awkward, endearing, and technologically challenged. 
Okay, so that is definitely more than three words, but who’s counting? You might as well tack on “Y/N’s big fat crush” at this rate because everyone and their mother knows that you carry a torch—or more accurately, a blazing wildfire that can easily be spotted from Pluto—for your best friend.
Well, to be more precise, you should probably say everyone, except Mark, knows. And that’s not for lack of trying either. You completely dropped the art of delicate subtlety months ago already. Maybe you should add “hopelessly oblivious” instead.
The rolling end credits to the sixth Harry Potter film are playing on the screen in front of you, signaling the nearing end of your magical movie marathon. You’re seated on the worn down couch in Mark and Donghyuck’s shared apartment, watching the former make his drink with the fancy, gently used Keurig newly settled on the scratched countertop. Johnny dropped it off a few days ago because he had splurged on a better coffee machine (“It even makes Instagram worthy whipped frappuccinos!”) and didn’t want his old, but still perfectly functioning caffeine provider going to waste.
“What’s wrong with this thing?” Mark slaps the side of the machine, and it starts to emit a low whirring noise. “Oh, that’s good, right? That sound is good, you think?”
His question is immediately answered by the sad squirt of hot water speckled with coffee grinds falling into his mug for a few seconds before the machine shuts off.
“What the hell?” he mutters angrily, carding his hand through his hair in frustration, and you finally decide to take pity on your best friend. Getting up from the comfy spot you know you sadly won’t be able to recreate perfectly again later, you stride over to where your best friend stands and flip open the top of the Keurig.
“Hyuck didn’t take out his used coffee pod,” you say, pulling out the incriminating evidence of your best friend’s roommate and disposing it in the trash can next to the refrigerator. “Where’s the espresso one you’re gonna use? Why didn’t you put that in?”
His jaw slackens, and he sheepishly rubs the back of his neck, avoiding your gaze and mumbling, “I thought I’d just open it later and pour it into my hot water.”
“Mark,” you start, placing your hands on his shoulders firmly and staring into his eyes with a serious look on your face. “Please know that I’m saying this in the most loving way possible, but you are an absolute idiot.”
You release your grip on his shoulders and grab the espresso pod dangling from his fingertips before slotting it into the Keurig. You remove the mug he placed underneath the spout and wash out the accidental coffee water before placing it back in its original position and pressing the start button on the machine. With a sigh, you lean against the side of the counter, glancing at your friend who looks like a child being scolded for stealing from the cookie jar.
“If you pour the pod into your mug, are you just going to chug all the loose coffee grinds, too?”
“... I didn’t think that far ahead.” His lips start to unintentionally form a tiny pout, and your eyes (and your heart, too) soften.
You’re very relieved that Donghyuck is off filming with your friend because he definitely would be making fun of your heart eyes that frequently make an appearance around a certain Mark Lee. Which you always deny. Because you certainly do not have a gigantic crush on your technologically inept best friend.
You glance over at him again and have to physically fight yourself to resist the urge to kiss his cute pout away. Okay, so maybe you harbor a very respectable, medium sized crush. But it's no big deal. It’s completely under control. Unless you’re counting the fact that your best friend is still unaware, and you’re running out of ideas to try and see if he likes you back before you actually shoot your shot. Then it’s very much not under control because you’re losing sleep over it and you don’t know what to do to be any more obvious without stating the, well, obvious.
“Well, now you know. If you forget, you can FaceTime me and I’ll give you instructions on how it works.” You pat his shoulder reassuringly before pausing. “Wait, you do know how to FaceTime, right?”
“Yes!” he exclaims, sulking even more before confessing in a quieter, defeated tone, “Hyuck showed me last month.”
Mark grabs his finished drink and follows behind you, settling back onto the couch next to you. The streaming service already has Deathly Hallows Part 1 in the queue and ready to go, and your best friend is ready to click play until he notices your attention being focused on the smaller screen in your hands. He wonders if you’re about to post another one of your popular cooking videos on that app that shares a name with the most iconic song of the 2000s (hint: the name of the song’s singer is made up of four letters and a dollar sign).
“Are you uploading one of your videos?” he implores before taking a sip of his drink with a satisfied smile. Somehow, it always tastes better when you make it, and he can’t figure out why for the life of him. When he went to Johnny’s place, his older friend uses the exact same pod and water ratio for his espresso, and yet, it’s never as good as yours.
“Nah, I’m ordering my grocery delivery before I forget. Do you want anything?” You select the option to load your usual grocery items into your cart before debating on whether or not you should splurge on buying several packages of those seasonal Pillsbury sugar cookies that only come in stock during certain holidays. It seems like such an insult to the entire premise of your Tiktok account based on baking and cooking, but you’re an absolute sucker for those soft pastries.
“Yeah, can you get me a Shin Ramyun ten pack? Hyuck ate the last one two days ago and didn’t tell me.”
“You sure you don’t want ten boxes again?” You decide to get those Pillsbury sugary delights, happily adding three boxes to your cart. Everybody has a weakness, and yours just so happens to be a premade one way ticket to diabetes. You’re here for a good, delicious time, not a long time.
“No! That was an accident!” He objects, flailing his hands around, before falling back against the couch cushions in defeat. “But Hyuck does all the online grocery shopping now.”
“Thank god. You guys finally have quality toilet paper again.”
The past month of bathroom occurrences was plagued with scratchy tissue that felt more like goddamn sandpaper from the horrible depths of hell. To be honest, you probably would have rather used actual sandpaper, given the choice. You even made sure not to drink too much water any time you came over, but today, you decided to splurge on a venti passion fruit iced tea with sweetener from that very popular franchise sporting a mermaid logo and fiscally cosmic name. To your pleasant surprise, your trip to the toilet this time was wonderfully padded with Charmin Ultra Soft, not that absolutely awful off brand one with the gross texture of a dried pinecone from inferno.
“Hey, that toilet paper was a good steal! It was a three for one deal,” Mark protests, and you narrow your eyes at him.
“Wow, I wonder why it was priced so low.” You deadpan, and Mark blanches, recalling all those restroom incidents that were rather rough. Literally.
“Anyway, do you think my viewers wanna see me make chocolate crinkle cookies or mochi doughnuts?” You bring up the two recipes you managed to perfect and add your own spin to on your phone, eyes scanning the ingredient lists.
“Both. And tell me when you’re making them, so I can come over and eat them.” He gives you a wide grin, and you let out a snort at that. His smile only grows as he says happily, “I love your job.”
“You only love it because you can freeload off of me,” you jest, but nevertheless begin to start to add all the ingredients for both recipes to your shopping cart. You always film cooking videos on Tuesdays, edit on Wednesdays, keep Thursdays free for last minute touch ups and emergencies, and post one every week on Fridays with other various random videos uploaded whenever in between. With that in mind, you schedule your upcoming grocery delivery for Monday.
“Hey, you need me. I’m the best taste tester.” He puffs up his chest proudly before hastily tacking on a more genuine reason. “And because I’d starve without you. I can’t live off of instant ramen and frozen chicken nuggets forever. Gordon Ramsay already confirmed my shitty cooking skills. I need you to survive.”
“Oh my god, when I uploaded those pics of your scrambled eggs on Twitter, I lost like a hundred followers in less than a minute.” You confirm the delivery and place your phone on the coffee table, picking up the opened bag of Cheeto puffs before settling back in your seat. “My cooking credibility was completely shot. I had to explain to my fans that I didn’t make those.”
“Yeah, but now everyone calls me Eggy Boi online!” he whines, and you laugh. You have to admit, it’s quite a funny play on the whole “edgy boi” terminology. You wonder if Mark will find it amusing if he discovers his roommate is the culprit behind his new online persona (He probably won’t, and you reckon Donghyuck enjoys living in a safe space where he doesn’t have to sleep with one eye open, so you stay quiet about it. You’ll use it as leverage some other time).
“Okay, Eggy Boi, come by on Tuesday because I’ll be baking in the afternoon,” you say casually, grabbing the remote control from your best friend and pressing play. 
You very narrowly avoid a green gummy bear to the face. It lands somewhere behind the couch, lost forever to the dust bunnies and other snacks that missed its target. You know for a fact that it’ll stay there until the boys decide to move to a new apartment. Mark grumbles at the miss, biting off the head of a red cherry flavored gummy bear perhaps a little harder than necessary.
“I hate you. But I’m still coming over next week because I want a doughnut.”
“No cookie?”
“... and a cookie. Maybe two.”
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Wednesday comes faster than you expected, and you’re currently holed up in your apartment’s second bedroom—which you had transformed into a snazzy office space—completing the edits to your second video on mochi doughnuts. You already finished polishing the one about the cookies earlier, thank goodness. If you had to stare at your computer screen for another three hours, you would rather eat those pastries Mark tried to make two months ago, but had mistaken salt for sugar. Adding a cup of salt to any baked good is an extremely effective way to make anyone who tasted your best friend’s brownies experience a trip to the beach. Because they essentially just swallowed a mouthful of sand and ocean water. Because it’s salty as heck. Just like Mark was when you told him.
Speaking of your best friend, he’s currently puttering around in your kitchen doing god knows what. He knows better than to try another recipe and possibly blow up your number one moneymaker—your prized oven—in the process. Your heart nearly drops when your ears pick up the faint chopping sounds of a knife against your wooden cutting board. Is he going to try to temper chocolate again? He nearly burned through your entire stock of dark, milk, and white chocolate last time.
After much contemplation and deciding that you deserve a good procrastination break and a fully intact kitchen, you’re about to go out and see what he’s up to when Mark timidly appears in your doorway, clutching onto a white bowl of watermelon cubes with a fork tucked neatly in it. He shuffles in, dropping the snack on your desk before turning to walk out without a word, not wanting to disturb your work mode. 
Your heart warms up at the sight, and you speak up, a small smile slipping into your face. “What’s this for?”
“Knowing you, you probably haven’t eaten anything since breakfast.” He pauses in the doorway and adds on sheepishly, “And I can't cook anything, so this is what you get.”
Your heart swells tenfold, and your smile widens even more as you spear a piece of fruit with the fork and quickly pop it into your mouth. “Thanks, Marky.”
His cheeks flush with a pretty shade of carmine, and he fails to suppress the little giddy smile that appears on his face at your nickname for him. He walks out of your office, reddened cheeks still rising up higher than ever. “Y-Yeah, of course. No problem.”
By the time you finish adding the final few touches to your edited video, the bowl of watermelon has been picked clean. You save your video and transfer both of your completed projects to your phone, making a mental note to schedule their uploads and add them to your account’s posting queue later. Shoving your phone in the pocket of your sweats after ensuring the successful transfer of your videos, you pick up the empty dish and walk out towards the kitchen, the silver fork clinking against the side of the bowl with every step.
As you wash the dish and utensil, Mark wanders over from his spot on the couch, leaning forward and casually placing his chin on your shoulder. Almost instantaneously, you feel the heat rising to your cheeks as you briefly fantasize about your best friend wrapping his arms around your waist and how domestic and sweet the two of you would look, like one of those cheesy couples the two of you always made fun of.
“What’s up?” you ask, making a conscious effort to hold your voice steady and not waver over the fact that Mark is basically draped over you. After you place the dish on the drying rack, you turn around to face your best friend, sorely miscalculating the distance as mere inches separate your face from his now.
“I—” Puberty decides to make an ugly appearance in the form of an ill timed voice crack, and he internally curses as he takes a step back, willing the incoming blush to go away. Letting out a small cough, he tries again, scratching the back of his neck nervously.
“I, um, Jisung sent me some kind of dance video. He said it’s a challenge? I kinda don’t know what to do with it? Like do I make a new dance, record myself, and send it back? Actually, isn't it easier to just do a dance battle face to face?”
“Can I see the video?” You already have a good idea on what the video will be, but you want to confirm it. Mark fumbles with his phone, pulling up the video in his text messages. He angles the phone towards you for you to see, and you grab his hand, bringing the device a little closer to you for a better look and clicking play.
“Oh, it’s a Tiktok challenge! He’s doing the Say So dance!” you exclaim, recognizing the song almost immediately as your eyes follow the fluid dance moves, completely enthralled. “So a challenge isn’t going up against someone, like a battle. It’s just some kind of trend or concept that you try to copy yourself. You’re supposed to learn the same dance and record yourself for this one. I can show you some other challenges and help you practice and record this one tomorrow if you wanna drop by after work!”
“O-Oh, okay, sounds good.” Mark stumbles over his words, attempting to focus on what you’re saying and the dance Jisung is doing, but all he can think about is the way your body is pressed against his side, hand comfortably wrapped around his. He freezes up as the tips of his ears grow redder and redder with every passing second, and his face sports a similar color. He silently prays for the telltale crimson to go away by the time the dance is over.
When the video ends, you once again realize the close proximity between you and your best friend. Your face burns at this revelation, and you awkwardly take a step back. Clearing your throat, you hastily release Mark’s hand (He inaudibly lets out the breath he’s been holding in this entire time, yet he also already misses the way your hand felt grasping his).
“Uh, anyway, I’m gonna make a latte. Do you want a drink, too?” You walk towards the other side of your kitchen with Mark trailing behind you. You take out a floral, peachy colored mug from your cupboards before pausing and looking at your best friend. “Wait, do you remember how to use a Keurig?”
“Yes!” He says, slightly exasperated as he picks out his own cup from your cabinet. He always uses the same one—a cerulean blue mug with squiggles all over it—and all of your friends and guests know not to use it because it’s unofficially officially Mark’s mug (And perhaps, you did indeed buy it from that overpriced kitschy tableware shop down the street two years ago with your best friend in mind).
“Really?” You select the latte option and press start after you had already positioned the mug beneath the spout and inserted a green tea matcha pod. He finally relents, shoulders sagging and a defeated expression on his face.
“... No.”
You chuckle, taking the mug from him and carefully putting it on the counter. You grab the espresso pod you know he likes from the drawer below and place it next to the cup. “It’s okay, I’ll teach you again.”
Mark tries. He really does. He tries very hard to concentrate on memorizing the simple process, but he keeps getting distracted. His eyes are focused on the correct button to push before they start to trail up to your fingertips. And then, they go from your hand to your arm, then up to the elegant curve of your neck, and finally, to the way your lashes frame your pretty eyes and how the tip of your tongue sticks out slightly as you concentrate until all he can focus on is you, you, you.
Suddenly, in what feels like a blink of an eye, you’re done and handing him his finished drink, complete with a perfectly whipped milk foam on top. You ask him if he knows how to make it now, and all he can do is lie and nod with a barely convincing smile.
After all, how can Mark tell his best friend that the reason he never remembers is because you’re the biggest distraction?
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Mark should be here in five minutes, according to his most recent text message. And in the text message below that, your friend had sent you a challenge. More specifically, it’s the one she completed with Donghyuck a few weeks ago. When you said you wanted bold suggestions on how to figure out if your best friend feels the same way about you as you do about him, you didn’t want one this bold. 
Yet, the video link to your friend’s “today I kissed my best friend” challenge along with a winky face from her is staring mockingly at you. While you aren’t one to back down from a challenge, the mere thought of kissing your best friend causes vast colonies of butterflies to erupt in your stomach and your ears to feel as if they have caught on fire. You’re already tongue tied with your head in the clouds, and he isn’t even here yet. How utterly fantastic.
However, your mother definitely did not raise a quitter, so you spring into action when you hear the faint jingling of a key being inserted into your apartment’s door (You had given Mark a copy of your key almost immediately after you had moved in). You move the pretty indoor fern given to you by Jaemin as a housewarming gift last year closer to the edge of your towering bookcase, leaning your phone against it. You quickly position the device to capture a good view of the couch area in your living room and press the record button, arranging a few of the leaves to hide as much of your phone as you possibly can without obstructing the lens.
You run full speed to your bedroom, letting out a sigh of relief when you’re safely inside and hear Mark finally unlocking the door successfully and shuffling in. When he calls out to you, you try to even out your breathing, walking out of your room with your tripod and laptop in hand.
“Hey,” you greet him in the most casual tone you can muster. You place the tripod down and sit before opening your laptop and setting it on the coffee table. “I thought we could watch a few challenges for fun before trying the Say So one. Have you watched Jisung’s videos before?”
“Um, well, no, not really,” he confesses sheepishly, taking a seat next to you on the couch, leg pressing against yours. He squints at the YouTube video you pulled up earlier before he had arrived, reading the title before clicking the space button to start it. “Savage Tiktok dance compilation part two?”
“Wait, hold up.” You pause the video and then turn to face him with an incredulous expression on your face. “You’ve never watched any of Jisung’s dance Tiktoks?”
“No… I don’t even have an account.” His cheeks are dusted with the lightest shade of pink as he quietly admits, “I watch all of yours though.”
Your eyes widen at his confession, face heating up as you stammer out, “O-Oh, well, I can help you make an account later to upload your video.”
“Sounds good.” There’s a few seconds of silence as you mull over his previous words before he speaks up again awkwardly, “Should I, uh, play the video?”
“Oh! Yes, right! Of course, hit play,” you laugh nervously, twisting and playing with the hair tie around your wrist. He starts the video again, and the two of you watch the compilation, slowly relaxing once more as you tap your fingers to the rhythm of the song and he bobs his head to the beat.
“Do I have to change outfits like that?” he questions a few minutes later, eyes growing round as he sees the girl on the screen switch between four different outfits throughout the dance. His closet basically consists of the same five black shirts that he stole from Jaehyun. Even if he did do an outfit swap, there would literally be no difference at all.
“You don’t have to,” you assure him, clicking the enter key to play the next video that’s recommended: another Tiktok dance challenge compilation. “All you have to do is copy the dance.”
Mark nods, taking a glance at the laptop screen before his hand shoots out and he pauses the video, leaning forward to take a closer look at the little recommended video title banner at the top. “Wait! What’s that one?”
He clicks on it, the new video now loading up. The two of you wait patiently for it to begin, waiting for the spinning disc to stop. But it doesn’t. In fact, the whole chrome page goes blank and then, the little pixelated Google Chrome dinosaur pops up on your monitor, announcing that you have no internet connection. Furrowing your eyebrows, you try to reload the page before trying to re-establish your laptop connection to your wifi. Unfortunately, you cannot find your appropriately named “drop it like it’s hotspot” wifi anywhere to connect to.
And that’s when it hits you. Your landlord had sent out a notice to the entire apartment complex last week about the electricity being powered down today from 4 to 6 p.m. for a maintenance check, and a quick glance at the digital clock on your laptop shows that it’s a little past four.
You groan, closing your laptop and flopping back against the couch cushions dramatically. Mark cocks his head, slightly confused, before he pokes you in the arm. “What’s wrong?”
“I completely forgot about the scheduled electricity shutdown for the entire building. We won’t have any wifi for the next two hours.” You pout, your bottom lip jutting out in the slightest, and Mark doesn’t think it’s fair that you get to be this cute and have this much of an effect on his racing heart rate.
“That’s okay, we can… play some board games?” he suggests offhandedly, pushing away the embarrassing thought and nudging your leg with his, and you smile before a sudden idea occurs to you. 
“Or we can still do some Tiktok challenges! What was the challenge you clicked on?” You quickly sit upright, turning to face your best friend, eyes sparkling in excitement. “I memorized a few of the dance ones already! Was it Renegade? I can teach you that one. Jisung showed me how to do it.”
“Um,” he starts, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. His eyes dart everywhere, except you, as he lets out a feigned cough. “It wasn’t a dance one. It was about, uh, going up to your boyfriend… and um, hugging him... when he’s playing video games.”
“Oh.” You answer lamely, not knowing what to say. You unsuccessfully try to push away the image of you attempting that challenge with your best friend. “Those are really cute.”
“Really?” He says doubtfully, wrinkling his eyebrows and fiddling with the frayed sleeve of his sweater. “Wouldn’t the dude get mad?”
You don’t know what suddenly possessed you to do this (you’ll have to ask Renjun and his paranormal loving ass later), but you thank whatever demon did for that split second because you find yourself gently grabbing Mark’s arm and slipping your head underneath it. You swing one leg over his lap and settle down until you’re securely sitting in his lap, bent legs on either side of his hips, hands curled around the soft fabric of his sweater on both sides and resting on top of your thighs. His arms instinctively go around your waist, wrapping around you securely.
You tilt your head to the side slightly, studying the flustered boy in front of you with a teasing, albeit a little anxious, smile on your lips. “Are you feeling mad?”
Splotches of red litter his cheeks and decorate the tips of his ears, but your best friend furiously shakes his head at your question, bashfully ducking his head afterwards and muttering a soft “No.”
You swallow hard, heart pounding erratically in your chest as you timidly ask, “Would you be mad if I do this?”
Mark looks up at that, confusion written all over his face. His arms start to loosen around your figure, hands now resting on your waist. “If you do what?”
You take a deep breath. “This.”
You lean in and gently press your lips against his. Mark freezes in shock, and you quickly retreat soon after, gnawing at the inside of your cheek as you wait anxiously for his reaction. Your heart feels like it’s about to fall out of your chest and be buried six feet under.
A tiny noise of surprise belatedly escapes from him and crimson spreads across his cheeks like wildfire. His doe eyes are wide and sparkling, staring at you in bewilderment. Your best friend lets out a small laugh of disbelief before a full blown smile breaks out across his face. He gazes at you adoringly, breathing out softly, “I’m not mad at that.”
You perk up at that, draping your arms around his neck as you lean forward, beaming. “Really? You’re not?”
“Definitely not.”
This time, Mark meets you halfway, his lips slotting against yours perfectly and making you feel tingles up and down your spine. Your eyes are closed, and you are so hyper aware of the way his hands grip your hips, how he tugs you closer, and how his lips chase after yours. The number of butterflies from earlier multiply in your stomach, and you have ascended past cloud nine by now.
When the two of you break apart, your eyes flutter open, and you nudge your nose against his affectionately. The brightest grin blooms on his face once again, and he buries his face in the crook of your neck, muffling his little giggles and hiding the awfully vibrant cerise that rapidly blossoms on his face.
“Is this a good time to tell you congrats for completing your first challenge?” you say, resting your cheek against the crown of his head. You pull away when he lifts his head up, surprised.
“I wasn’t playing video games though,” he says slowly, processing your words and thinking back to the challenge that started this all.
“It was a different challenge. It’s the one that Hyuck did a few weeks ago,” you confess, and realization dawns on him, his face lighting up for a split second before a look of horror takes over.
“Oh, no. Is that why you had your phone recording on the bookshelf?” Mark asks, dread beginning to cloud his mind.
“Yes…” you say slowly, a little perplexed. “Why? What’s wrong?”
“Oh my god, I ruined your video,” he moans, dropping his forehead onto your shoulder. “I saw your phone when I walked in and thought you were filming earlier and forgot to turn it off, so I turned it off for you.”
When the words finally register in your mind, you can’t stop the laughter from bubbling out of your throat, and he raises his head up to look at you with wide doe eyes at the pretty sound. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to!”
You can’t stop laughing at the situation, and he looks at you worriedly, gnawing on his bottom lip slightly. You force yourself to calm down, a soft chuckle leaving your lips before you beam at him, leaning in and placing the softest kiss on the tip of his nose. “It’s okay, Mark. I’m not mad. That video wasn’t important anyway.”
“But still,” he whines before letting out a groan and slapping his hand against his forehead when the realization sinks in even further. “I’m such an idiot.”
“But you’re my idiot now, right?” you say teasingly, albeit a little shyly as well, as you reach over to tug his hand away from his face and lace your fingers with his.
“I mean, I kinda thought I was always your idiot,” Mark laughs softly and a little embarrassedly, eyes averted and cheeks turning pinker than ever. The largest grin spreads across your face at that, and you turn away slightly to hide it. You didn’t think your best friend can possibly be any more endearing, but he manages to prove you wrong every time.
“Well, then now you can add ‘Y/N’s boyfriend’ to your resume,” you say, and he fails to suppress the pleased smile appearing on his face at your remark, his rosy cheeks rising even taller than skyscrapers.
“So, uh, what sort of job description does that have?” He gazes at your intertwined hands in wonder, still completely giddy at the reality of you being his best friend and something more.
“Sharing hoodies, giving me attention, kissing, holding my hand, going on dates, you know, the basics,” you answer, squeezing his hand tenderly, and his doe eyes instantly light up. Mark feels a little bolder than before, and it shows when he grins widely and says:
“Can we do number three again?”
“Yes, we can, Eggy Boi.”
He wrinkles his nose at the name, disgruntled and unimpressed, as he crosses his arms over his chest, sulking. You let out a laugh before leaning in and crashing your lips against his. He immediately relents at that, enthusiastically responding and hugging you closer to him, and you can’t help but smile into the kiss as you feel his own smile appear as well.
At that moment, you decide that you want to change Mark’s personal brand. Because his should be “absolutely wonderful, positively amazing, a cute kisser, your boyfriend, and your bestest friend.” And yes, that is most definitely more than the allotted three words, but again, who’s really counting?
Certainly not you when you’re too preoccupied with kissing your best friend. Correction: best friend and new boyfriend.
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One new notification: donutkillmyvibe uploaded a new video!
moominjun commented:
so you’re saying the reason why we didn’t get the highly anticipated best friend challenge video is because @ marklyrawr turned the camera off?
donutkillmyvibe replied: yes 😔 I’m sorry to disappoint everyone 🤧
nanaislove replied: omg no bby it’s ok 🥺🥺💞💓💓💝💗 you didn’t have to make an apology video for that 🥺💗💓💘💖
goofys.chuckle replied: yeah it’s mark’s fault. he’s the disappointment here 🥴
morklyrawr replied: hahahahaha stfu hyuck
tytrack commented:
mark is going through puberty. I apologize
dobunny replied: @.@
goofys.chuckle commented:
are we getting whip(ped)lash pt 2 by eggy boi?
morklyrawr replied: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO STARTED THAT NAME?????
goofys.chuckle replied: uh gotta blast 🚀
showmethemonet replied: @ goofys.chuckle does this mean you’re staying over again?
goofys.chuckle replied: @ showmethemonet yes if you want your super cute, mega talented, very handsome boyfriend to still be alive 🥺
showmethemonet replied: @ goofys.chuckle oh my god I didn’t know I was dating bts jin???
moominjun replied: LMFAOOOOO
goofys.chuckle replied: heart 💔 been broke 📉 so many times ⏰ i don’t know 🤔 what to believe 💯 mama 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 said 🗣 it’s my fault 😢 it’s my fault 🤦🏻‍♂️i wear my heart ❤️ on my sleeve 💪 i think it’s best 👍🏻 I put my heart ❤️ on ice 🧊
jenojam commented:
why am I not surprised……
itsmebetch replied: just mark thingz 🍉
suhprisemf commented:
mark your head looks flat af
jungjaeprince replied: 😂😂😂
10vely replied: @ jungjaeprince be quiet don’t cry
letswonwon commented:
whoop whoop
junguwu commented:
OMG CONGRATS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP SWEETIE 😍😍
takoyaki_prince commented:
MARK!!!!! you look handsome !! 😘
jisungpwark commented:
rip to @ donutkillmyvibe ’s future videos that mark will ruin. press f in the chat to pay respects 🙏🏻
bigheadking replied: F ✊🏻😔
peachyangel replied: f 🥺🥺
yoitslucas replied: F 🤪🤪🤪 but glad you’re happy, man ❤️
donutkillmyvibe replied: F 💔
morklyrawr replied: @ donutkillmyvibe wtf babe????
officialgordonramsay commented:
didn’t i tell you to get back on tinder ?
apado_god commented:
nice 😎👍🏻
3K notes · View notes
softomi · 3 years
Text
Catfish
prompt: mother says to be wary of people you meet on the internet, especially since you never know who’s on the other side of the screen. 
pairing: atsumu x reader
the unpaid extras: osamu, suna
general taglist: @graykageyama
Osamu liked to mess with his brother and lately he’s been planning the largest prank. It originally wasn’t supposed become a huge thing, but then Suna just kept edging him on; adding more things one by one and it just spiraled. Osamu was catfishing Atsumu with your pictures.
Now, Osamu knows that it sounds bad but technically you were in on the prank. You had never met nor even knew Atsumu, heck, you didn’t even know who Osamu was. You had been part of the prank merely through text messages and the occasional meet up with Suna.
To put it simply, Suna met you through one of his teammates; coincidentally you ended up in one of his classes and the two of you built a tiny friendship. Which was why, when Suna was thinking of the perfect person to catfish Atsumu with; your face lit up in his head.
You were the perfect candidate, exactly Atsumu’s type literally to a tee. When Suna pulled up your contact, the first thing he did was offer to pay you. Every picture you sent used for the prank, he’ll send you cash through an app and as a broke college student who needed cash fast, you agreed as long as the photos weren’t used for anything weird or sexual. He made sure to send you proof of each photo in use.
This brings it all back to dear Osamu catfishing his brother. He had created an entirely new Instagram for you, complete using your name and a cute description that him and Suna had spent two hours thinking of. They decided to even spend a few days perfecting it, posting pictures a few days apart with captions, following random groups, liking posts, essentially creating a whole new personality using your photos. Osamu had even developed a fake occupation for you; a foodie blogger to which some posts were dedicated to food reviews for restaurants Osamu deemed worthy of a post.
And when Osamu says that the prank spiraled; it fucking spiraled. Originally it started with Suna and Osamu following the account, suddenly Suna’s teammates began following the account. Osamu made the mistake of tagging Onigirl Miya in one of your photos, ultimately adding a few random people to follow the account. Suddenly after two weeks of having the account, you gained over two thousand follows.
It was no worries though, because Osamu can quickly catfish Atsumu, take down the account, and call it all good.
Safe to say, Atsumu accepted the friend request rather quickly. Osamu and Suna snicker to themselves, it took Atsumu less than five minutes to accept and he was already liking all of your photos. Not even ten minutes pass and he’s sliding into the DM’s.
The two men looking at the phone and burst into laughter. They spend five minutes cackling at Atsumu’s random ‘hey’ message that followed with a smiling emoji.
Osamu was absolutely entertained, it was hilarious that his own brother had fallen for his catfish and honestly, Osamu was ready to give up the act after three days but then Atsumu said something that just really pissed him off. He doesn’t remember what it was, he just suddenly ended up two more weeks later still having the fake Instagram account and still having Atsumu believe that he was falling in love with some girl.
Somehow the account ended up with over five thousand followers, Atsumu messages the account religiously, and Osamu for some godly reason is still managing the account three months later. It’s spiraled.
“I have a girlfriend!” Atsumu doesn’t know why his friend and brother are laughing. He’s scrolling through your Instagram, the catfish Instagram.
Osamu almost chokes on his food, “So what, have you guys gone on a date? Have you even seen her in real life?” Suna snorts into his drink, he coughs when he accidentally inhales the water sharply.
Atsumu slumps in his seat, his voice small, “No, but we talk every day and she likes me!”
Suna is coughing even harder now, tears threatening to leave his eyes to the point that he excuses himself to the bathroom. Osamu has a shit eating grin on his face, “How do you know she’s actually not some old dude catfishing you?”
“She’s not!” Atsumu stutters, “She’s real!”
“Prove it.”
Osamu was about to learn a harsh lesson about the world; the world loves to bite you in the ass when you least expect it.
Atsumu leans forward, an eerie grin on his lips, “Happily.” Atsumu whips out his phone, quickly presses a number and holds the phone to his ear. He holds a finger up to his brother, even gesturing for the returning Suna to remain quiet. The phone picks up, “Hey babe, you wanna meet me here at Onigiri Miya?” Atsumu looks at the watch on his wrist, “Twenty minutes? Perfect.”
Osamu’s believing his brother is bluffing. There was no way in hell he’d be able to somehow magically bring the catfish to life, heck, Atsumu would be a god if suddenly he could. Thirty minutes pass, Osamu is exchanging looks with Suna. It’s absolutely silent between the three.
Osamu is suddenly feeling guilty, Suna is uncomfortable to the point that he’s even texting you to make sure you weren’t actually coming, and you confirmed with him that you weren’t.
“Should we tell him?” Osamu whispers when another five minutes pass.
Suna is deadpanned, “I don’t know, we’re kind of reaching a sad territory now. Let’s just break up with him and ghost him.”
Osamu groans, “But do we want to deal with a sad Atsumu, I’ll take getting my ass kicked over him crying in my apartment.”
The door chimes and their jaws smack the floor. You walked through the door, eyes roaming the place before landing on the three huddled into the corner. Is he a fucking god? Atsumu stands from his seat, he meets you halfway, pulling you into a heartfelt kiss that has you swooning.
The closer you approach with Atsumu’s arm around your shoulder, the more they truly begin to believe that Atsumu is a god.
“Guys, this is my girlfriend.” This time it’s Atsumu who has a shit-eating grin, “Ain’t she a beauty, the pictures don’t do her justice.”
It takes everything in Osamu to not scream, “But, you said you’d never even met her before.”
Atsumu gazes into your eyes, hearts practically floating above his head, “I mean I guess technically this is our first-time meeting, right?”
You nod, a puppy like expression on your face, “I’m sorry, I haven’t introduced myself yet. You must be Osamu.” You point to him then your fingers drag to the other male, “Suna.”
“Oh.” Suna sits straight up, “Oh!” He catches the glint in your eyes, the conniving little minx of a look. Suna was no longer calm, “We’ve been double crossed!”
There’s screaming, fingers are being pointed at each other, Atsumu is gripping Osamu by the neck of his shirt, Suna is literally calling your phone to make sure that it’s actually you, Osamu is pulling his brother’s hair. The customers of the restaurant stare with their jaws dropped at the scene.
Everyone is squished into Osamu’s small office. Suna is sitting on the desktop, Osamu in his chair, Atsumu in the spare seat, and you lean on the arm of Atsumu’s chair. His arm dangles around your waist, pulling you to lean on him with a cheery grin.
Atsumu leans forward, taking in the expressions of the two bewildered boys, “I guess let’s start at the beginning.”
While the story technically began three months ago with Suna asking for your cooperation, the story of you and Atsumu began two months ago.
The extra cash from all the pictures you sent Suna was giving you enough to be able to go out and live a little on the weekends. Originally the bar was dead, you and your friends were tucked into the corner in a booth when a rowdy bunch of men came in. Your friends gasped having recognize them as members of a sports team and with their excitement, they must have won a game.
It didn’t affect your group that much until it came to split ways; being in your last year of university, you excused yourself, insisting that you needed to go home to finish a project. As you stood at the register, card tapping against the counter, that was when he showed up.
At this point, Atsumu had spent the past hour believing the gods were on his side. He practically walked by your table ten times just to make sure the face matched the one in his instagram’s DM. After forty minutes of the constant back and forth, your quick gazes at him walking by the table seem to do nothing. Were you unable to recognize him?
He took his shot watching you stand alone at the counter. He finishes off his drink and smoothly strides to you.
“Hey!” Atsumu leans on the counter, flashing a smile despite alcohol dripping from the side of his mouth, “Wouldn’t you consider this fate?” He gestures between the both of you.
You’re confused, shooting him a puzzled gaze, “Sorry, you must have me mistaken for someone else.” You hand the card to the worker, anxiously eyeing the male who’s increasingly invading your space.
Atsumu places a hand on the small of your back, it was something Instagram you had mentioned you liked, instead it triggered a fight or flight. Your hand makes harsh contact with his cheek, he retracts his hand immediately.
“Don’t touch me!” You bark at him, “Perv.” You’re aggressively signing the receipt, storming out of the door while other men seem to ooh at Atsumu’s situation.
“Hey!” Atsumu catches your figure outside of the bar, you’re waving a hand to catch a cab, “I think we got off on the wrong foot there.”
You don’t give him a second glance, “Look, I don’t know who you think you are.”
“Atsumu.” He stands right in front of you, blocking your sights for a cab. He’s got the widest smile on his face as he holds out a hand, “Miya Atsumu. Volleyball player. Setter for the Black Jackals.”
“Okay.” You run a hand through your hair, oddly taking his hand into a shake while eyeing him, “Miya Atsumu, volleyball player, setter for the Black Jackals.”
You step to the side, arm out still trying to catch a taxi but he blocks your way once more and he looks at you with such wonder. His eyes practically having stars coming out and his smile warm and inviting. He was wondering if you were a twin, maybe he had actually gotten the wrong person.
“You are?”
The wind is causing your hair to blow in your face, he wants to so bad to brush the strands behind your ears but the way you gave him a slap earlier makes him think that’s a bad idea. Your fingers pull your hair back, “Y/n. I don’t have a fancy title like yours but, I guess I don’t know, senior to be graduating at the university.” You sidestep him once more, “I’m just trying to catch a cab home.”
Once more he blocks your way and you look at him with defeat. He was persistent. He laughs, “Sorry, last time, but do you not know me?”
You’re still as confused as ever, “Look if you’re going to pull some cheesy line about seeing me before, it’s not going to work.”
“Wait, just hold on a second.” Atsumu pulls out his phone, his fingers are shaking as he presses onto the app. He pulls up your profile, handing you his cell phone, “This is you isn’t it?!”
Your eyes scan the social media page, your mouth falling open, there’s a hidden laugh itching in your throat. These were all the picture you had taken for Suna and somehow, you’re being shown by a stranger your fake profile.
“We’ve been messaging for like a month, I can’t believe you don’t recognize me.”
I don’t recognize you because I’m not the one talking to you.
You’re perplexed, you weren’t sure what you were supposed to do, if you told him he’s being catfished you’d lose the flow of side cash you’ve developed but if you didn’t, isn’t that just wrong. And the more you look at him from under the stars, he’s rather cute; you suddenly feel bad for slapping his face earlier.
“Do you want to get some coffee?”
Your offer sends him over the moon, he’s walking alongside you to the nearest convenience; Atsumu is rather talkative, bringing up topics of everything and anything that comes to his mind. As the two of you look over drink options in the cooler, his hands pull two cans of black coffee.
“You’re favorite right?” He holds one out to you.
Your actively smiling, biting your lower lip and wondering if you needed to play along with the role but as he stares at you with such adoring eyes, it makes your heart skip a beat just taking in the fact that he would remember something trivial over text.
“Actually.” You place the drink back, opting for a sweeter caramel macchiato, “I would say that this is my favorite.”
Atsumu quirks a brow, “Are you saying you were lying to me?” He places a hand over his heart, “And here I thought we were soulmates.”
Your hand smacks against his arm, “Shut up.”
“So what are you studying for?” Atsumu sips his drink, the two of you leaning against the windows of the convenience store. There’s a slight sway in his body and you’ve unknowingly followed his movements.
“Literature. Once I graduate, an internship is probably where I’ll start but I’m hoping I can get hired into a publishing company.” He’s comfortable to be with and you aren’t sure if it’s because he thinks he knows you or because his presence is just like that; comfortable.
Atsumu finishes off his canned beverage, “And you do that, all on top of running a foodie Instagram.”
From what you gathered on a quick skim of the account; they have your occupation as a lower level food blog; it’s rather funny. You can only nod to him, “It’s just a side hobby really.”
“Well maybe I could join you on one of your little adventures.”
You try to suppress the immense grin that wants to grow on your lips, there’s an internal battle happening of whether you should tell him or not but once again, the way he looks at you, the cute doe eyed look; it puts butterflies in your stomach.
“How about tomorrow?” He lets out a small gasp, your hands pull out your cell phone and offer it to him, “Your number?”
“I’m free for lunch, just text me when and where.”
You press the number he’s inserted into his contact; in a second his cell rings and he’s showing off his screen, “Don’t message me on Instagram though, I’m detoxing from social media for a bit. Just, text my number.”
He walks you to the curb, helping you flag down a cab, and you give him one last gleeful glance before getting into the car. As you sit, you’re quick to dial Suna’s number. You know he’s probably sleeping but the light feeling in your heart overrides his sleep schedule.
“What?” He’s groaning.
“Suna listen to me carefully. The prank that you guys are doing.” You hear a small snore, “Suna!” He jolts awake and you groan, “You know what, go back to sleep.”
“Thanks.” He hangs up immediately.
Your phone dings, Atsumu’s name pops up. Can’t wait for our date. You bite on your thumb, a smile on you before you respond.
Although having just seen him forty minutes ago, you two text back and forth. First he wondered if you arrived home safe, next he sent pictures of himself insisting it’s for you to choose for his icon, then he proceeds to narrate his way home. You wonder if you’re responding like catfish you but the more he brings up random topics, the more you forget about that stupid prank.
Wait let me call you.
Your heart beats faster, your phone lighting up with his name. You press the answer button slowly, “Hello?” You giggle.
“You’re telling me that you like spikers more than setters.” His voice is nearly screaming and you lean back on your chair laughing into the phone.
The quick research you did on his team had you watching short videos, and while you had to admit it was amazing to watch, your eyes drifted more to one of his teammates than him, “What’s his name?” You lean to look at your computer screen, “Bokuto Koutarou?”
“No!” He’s whining out into the air, “If I had known you were a spiker girl I would have changed positions.”
Your eyes catch the time on your laptop, “Woah. It’s three in the morning.” That meant you had spent over four hours total texting him and now you were on the phone with him, “What are you doing awake?”
He blows out a breath of air, “I could ask you the same thing.”
“Well.” You draw out the word, dragging your self to your bed, “I’m going to go to sleep now.” There’s a pause on the line, “Atsumu?” He hums tiredly, “Good night.”
There’s a small snore from him before he shifts around, “Good night.”
The morning light urges you awake, for a second you peak at your phone’s time and it nears ten in the morning. You’re about to throw your phone back onto the bedside table until Atsumu’s name catches your eye. For having gone to bed at three a.m. he shot you a text at seven.
Morning beautiful.
It was sweet, simple, and it made you smile; giving you the extra push to get out of bed. You stalked your own catfish page, there hadn’t seemed to be any updates so there was still time. A quick search of the internet has you picking out a random restaurant nearby and you send off a text to Atsumu about a meeting time.
You were late, pushing through the doors of the restaurant, your eyes scan the place to see him raise a hand for you. He’s dashingly handsome despite being in casual wear, you wonder if he spent time like you did just trying to pick out an outfit or if he spent forever gelling his hair as long as you tried to get your strands into the perfect waves.
“Sorry, did you wait long?” You pull into the seat in front of him.
He’s smiling and you hope to god that when you break the news to him, he’ll still smile for you, “I just got here not too long ago too.” He looks over the menu quickly, “What do you think you’ll get?”
You inspect each dish, a light hum on you as you dance around the option, “The spaghetti sounds nice.”
Atsumu tilts his head, “It has red meat in it.” You stare blankly at him, “Aren’t you allergic to red meat?”
“Oh.” You set the menu down, “Actually.” He follows your actions, you’ve become nervous at what you’re suddenly about to do, “There’s something you should know.”
“Fuck this!” Atsumu throws the napkin on the table, you jump as he harshly stands, throwing the chair back.
“Atsumu.” You stand.
“No! Don’t. Were you just messing with me then? Did Osamu tell you I was going to be at the bar last night?” Atsumu’s fist ball, “You know what, whatever.”
“Wait.” You follow him behind, “Atsumu. I’m sorry.”
He harshly turns to you, god, even in sunlight you were beautiful to him. He wants to laugh, the month he spent talking to the fake you; yeah that was all bullshit to him but honestly when he saw you last night, when he spent over four hours actually talking to you; he actually felt that maybe this could be something deeper.
“I’m really sorry, I know I should have said something right away.” You have a soft pout on you and it makes him outwardly groan.
He runs a hand through his hair, “Okay, it’s fine. I probably deserved this prank too anyways; must have pissed him off somehow.” He waves a hand, “You can just go back to doing whatever.”
Your hand pulls on his wrist, “I owe you a meal.” You bat your eyes with a cheeky grin, “If you take pictures of me, we can send them to Suna and use the money for our food.”
“Oh.” He begins to smile, “I like that idea.”
Back into Osamu’s office, Atsumu has now pulled you onto his lap, your head resting on his shoulder with arms hanging around his shoulders. The two bachelors stare at the sickly loving sight.
A lightbulb goes off in Suna’s head, “Wait! My money!”
You snort a laugh into Atsumu’s shoulder, “Hey, I earned that fair and square. You paid for goods.”
Osamu is having a staring contest with his brother, “So you two have been actually dating for two months? Why would you still message the catfish account then, why not just kick my ass when you found out?”
Atsumu taps a finger on his chin, “Well, I was just originally going to ghost you guys but then babe here and I discovered that we could fund all of our dates with Suna’s money. We even started setting aside leftover cash from our dates to plan a trip.”
You giggle, “We’re going to Disney next weekend.”
“All the pictures.” Suna whispers.
There’s an amused hum in your throat, “Honestly I’m surprised you guys didn’t figure it out. We were dropping hints in the photos.”
Indeed, the two males looked at the pictures you sent them. If they backtracked to two months ago, there wouldn’t be any hints but the closer they get to the present; it was painfully obvious. They were just too caught up in their excitement to even notice. In one photo, part of Atsumu’s shoulder and hair was just barely in the picture; another had his reflection vividly displayed in the window of the restaurant, and somehow Osamu and Suna missed the obvious Black Jackals jacket sitting on the back of the chair next to you.
The two boys were having a mental breakdown.
You shifted on Atsumu’s lap, leaning forward to tap against the top of Osamu’s phone, “Now, if you’d please deactivate the account since this whole charade is over.”
Osamu ended up not deleting the account. He set the account to private because seeing how his brother was so deeply entranced by you, Osamu had a feeling this one was going to last and he was right; on Atsumu’s wedding day, his little best-man speech had him whipping out the catfish Instagram to display on the monitor for everyone to see.
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outoftheblue-if · 3 years
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Me reading all the posts here and Richard got me all 🥺 😍 😘 though I know he would be very exasperated when first meeting the playful/teasing/flirty MCs I usually make 😂
Did see a question asking about if the MC would have their phone with them when they go back in time and it got me thinking how the ROs would react if MC was feeling a little home sick and was looking at photos on their phone and accidentally ended up leaving their phone out and unlocked to their picture gallery and the ROs found it while MC was not around and ended up seeing MCs picture gallery and found pictures of MC, random cute animal pics photos, memes, and maybe even some spicy/nsfw pics of MC?? 👀🍑 (MC being an adult somewhere in their 20s or 30s in this scenario)
So excited to read the demo in the future💜
I'm so happy you like Richard! ✨ He does have a lot of exasperated reactions lol. I'm so excited to write his reactions, he's so... proper it's gonna be fun to see him with all the different modern MC's. I really hope you like the demo once it’s out! 🤎
As for your question, let's say it's in the crushing/pining stage, but the ROs know MC is from the future already 👀 Under the cut, cause, as always, I don’t know how to shut up lmao
Isobel: Would be very intrigued by everything she saw from the modern day, soaking up as much knowledge as she possibly can from the photos, both about MC and their time. Would be confused as to why they have random animal pics and memes, but would appreciate the pictures of MC, feeling a twinge of affection if the photos are more candid/random, and admiring how hot MC is if they're more posed/instagram worthy. As for the spicy pics 👀 She would be very intrigued by those, smirking as she admires MC, and faintly wonders what they're for?
Max: Feels a little bad about sneaking a look at MC's private things, and only means to have a quick peak, but quickly finds themselves immersed and unable to stop. Loves the animal pics, loves every picture of MC, though a part of them worries seeing the candid pictures of MC in their old life, wondering if they would rather go back and be happier there (without Max). Mostly though, seeing all the pictures of MC going through life just makes them fall more in love. MC is so incredible to them. As for the spicy pics 👀 Max would be boggle eyed at first, then grinning appreciatively at how good MC looks, then frowns, wondering why they have those photos there and who they're for/who else has seen them??
Clara: Feels awful about going through MC's stuff, but she's soo intrigued and curious. Would love the animal pics, finding them adorable, though likely not understand the memes. All the pictures of MC though, she admires, thinking how good they always look, no matter what. She envies what an eventful life MC has had, and it only makes her more enthralled with them as a person, wanting to know even more about them. Would tell herself that each photo will be the last, and she should put it all back, but she just keeps scrolling, fascinated. As for the spicy pics 👀 She would be super flustered, blushing furiously, and would likely put the phone away immediately after that, but the image she can't get rid of so easily.
Richard: Would be reluctant to go through MC's stuff and very worried that he'll break something or mess something up, but the moment he sees images of MC... he's drawn in like a moth to a flame. Probably skips the animal pics and memes, he’s mainly only interested in MC. Every picture solidifies how much of a goner he is for them as he not only admires how attractive they are, but also how fascinating and capable they are as a person. He can’t believe how distrusting he was/how much he disliked them to begin with, because now... There’s no one he admires more. Feels like kicking himself for being such a fool in the past, and hopes, desperately hopes that MC feels the same. As for the spicy pics though 👀 He would freeze, staring at the image with mouth gaping, until his brain finally starts to compute again and he drops the phone as if burned lmao. Feels terrible for having seen that, flushing red as he tries to shove the image from his brain, but every time he sees MC it pops right back up.
William: Would also be reluctant to go through MC’s stuff, but he can’t help but... want to know more about them, know how they think and what their life was like before. Would smile and shake his head in amusement at all the animal pics and random memes, but the images of MC? He feels a pang in his chest with every image, desperate yearning making his chest ache. They’re so beautiful, and perfect, and seeing them in various states, happy, living their life, not only reminds him how painfully undeserving he is of them, but worry that their life was so much better before and that nothing he has to offer ever be able to compete. All the same, he knows without a doubt, that there is, and never will be, anyone else for him. As for the spicy pics 👀 William’s eyes would widen, his mouth going dry, before he puts the phone away immediately. That’s where he draws the line. He shouldn’t have seen that. Tries to shake it from his mind, but he can’t unsee it. Frets about MC knowing he saw it, and also why they have it/who it’s for.
Thank you so much for your ask! ✨🤎
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agrarianradfem · 2 years
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hey
i wanna be a proud radical feminist but i feel like that would force me to reject trans ppl and that would essentially make my life hell bc ive seen the shit they do ppl they disagree with
ive read all this shit about how terfs are a hate group and think men bad women good and are racist and colonialist and shit and it makes me think twice bc i don’t wanna be part of a legit hate group but i also dont wanna be part of a group of ppl who say “thats so gender” when they see a haircut they like and i definitely dont want to be part of the right like at all
am i a nazi for believing elliott page is still a woman? am i fucking crazy? like ive been having legit mental breakdowns over this and secretly reading terf groups at night for weeks now and now whenever i see a trans person i freak the fuck out on the inside and sometimes i start hyperventilating and i see them fucking everywhere bc i live on a college campus
i tried to bring it up with my counselor like “i don’t really get trans ppl and i dunno what to do about it” and shes like “me neither” but thats all it has ever been bc im scared im gonna be wrong and bad if i say more
i was a huge fucking hp fan as a kid and my mom gave me a hogwarts mug for christmas and i cant even look at it bc i just think of jkr and what happened to her
pls help me im so sorry for dumping on u
My first question is: what do you mean by proud? Do you envision yourself wearing tshirts with phrases like "The y chromosome is a defect" out in public? Because while such shirts might be funny (and fun to wear among friends), that's not what it is to be a radical feminist. Neither is posting radfem quotes to your public facebook or instagram, or anything else publicly confrontational. Instead, being a proud radical feminist is spending your time helping women. I like volunteering for food pantries/food banks/food rescues. Women and children are the most likely to be food insecure, so helping with food distribution fits well for me. But maybe something else is closer to your heart - like domestic violence shelters, rape crisis hotlines, mentoring female children, etc. Alternatively you could go into a job that helps women, like social work or medicine. Or you could become a foster parent who takes in girls, become a child advocate or doula. None of direct action really requires anything to do with trans anything. The number of trans people you'll run into is relatively small, and you're helping women and girls no matter how they feel (and people deserve to be helped anyway). I don't care if a trans woman comes for a food pantry volunteer position, or to pick up food at a distribution event. I'm not there to decide who is 'worthy' of giving their time or receiving help. And none of that is publicly confrontational like pins, shirts, and social media is. You do have a problem with trans people, clearly, since you're having psychological distress just at seeing someone who is or reads to you as trans. You've got to work on that. You cannot dictate the actions of others. And it's straight unhealthy to freak out at just seeing someone walking around minding their own business on campus. Students trying to get a speaker banned for transphobia is a problem, your dormmate from another floor walking to class is not a problem. You aren't a bad person for recognizing that Page and other trans people remain their biological sex, or believing that trans identity is a harmful backlash against feminism, or that porn is driving a lot of male transition, or that homophobia (for lesbians/bi women) is a driving force of transition. This is just recognizing the immutable fact of biological sex. Feeling bad for this recognition is something to work on - it's tied to women feeling guilt for every little thing. Let go of your guilt. My advice: LOG OFF. Reading radfem posts online is causing you real problems, and making you distressed about random people. Not good. Take a break. Realizing something is harmful for you, or that you have a limit that you've crossed is an important aspect of growing up and coming of age. Part of being mature is realizing what your limits are. And congrats, you've found a limit. You need to spend time reconnecting with the real world. Treat this like a good thing, something you've discovered about yourself that you now know going forward. Working on healing from this internet overload is a sign of maturity. Log off. Second: Do something directly useful that is meaningful to you. Ask other students for volunteer opportunities. Ask your counselor. Google for your area. See if there's an office for volunteering that can help you. This is related to logging off in that it reduces that amount of time you can spend online, and also introduces you to more people in real life. This helps develop nuance in your actions with others. Expands your understanding of where other people are coming from. And hopefully you can make some more friends. Be proud to be a feminist by helping women. Third: This is the hardest thing for many women: let go of your guilt and strengthen your backbone. Don't be afraid to be disliked. You aren't going to be able to please everybody. Enjoy your HP mug and if someone says something snide just say that the books were important to you and still are. Don't apologize for yourself. Don't feel guilt that you aren't living up to someone else's idea of what you should think about something.
And work on not imagining that everyone is watching you and trying to monitor your thoughts. That way lies serious paranoia. If no one says something to you, no one cares. Imagining the anger/disappointment/etc of others towards you is harmful behavior - you can't read minds. When you've healed, you can set boundaries and re-engage with some radical feminist literature. But I'd say give yourself AT LEAST 6 months away. And then really consider if it's going to be healthy for you to return or not. And if you do decide to return, engage not with twitter/tumblr/facebook/instagram, but with actual texts. Read Woman Hating. Read Invisible Women. Read a book about women in your field of interest. Texts that aren't just concerned with trans identity. You would have to build an understanding of radical feminism outside of transness, because no only is radical feminism about far more than trans identity, but without a foundational understanding of where radical feminism is coming from you can more easily once again fall down the rabbit hole into thinking that trans identity is the only thing that matters, etc. Delete your tumblr, your twitter. Lose your login info for your social media. As condescending as it can sound, it's nonetheless good advice: Go outside.
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