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#it may take me while to get everything but itll be so WORTH IT
fallingstarset · 4 years
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IMPORTANT PSA, YOU NEED TO SEE THIS
You all here? Dont scroll away please, I need to tell you something!!!...... YES, you! You reading this, this is for you!! I dont care who you are, but if you're reading this you were meant to. It was supposed to happen, this is NOT a coincidence!
You all here now?! Good! Good to see you! I called you here to make an important announcement! Please listen, you need to hear this!!
YOU. ARE. VALUABLE!!!
Did you hear me? Do i need to say it again?
YOU ARE VALUABLE! YOU ARE VALUABLE AND MEANINGFUL AND WORTHY!
You are worthy of love, you are here for a reason!! It doesnt matter what youve done or what you think youve done! Trust me, everyone makes mistakes! Even if you think those mistakes make you bad, even if you see yourself as irredeemable or bad because of something that may seem like a huge deal right now— and yes, it may be a big huge deal, but it doesnt define you, whatever it is!!
Do you have friends? Do you care for them? Well then care for yourself dammit!! However awesome you think everyone else is, I can promise you, you are just as amazing!! You are NOT, I repeat, you are NOT arrogant or self centered for wanting to !! It doesnt make you a bad person to think of yourself every once in awhile!!
If you dont feel up to going to an event you planned to go to, you dont have to! Anyone whos worth having around will understand if you dont want to go to something! It doesnt matter if youve been looking forward to it but now you just dont feel up to it, it doesn't matter how ling youve been talking about how excited you are to go, because you know you, and if you think it would be better for you to not go, then dont!!
Trust your friends! Maybe you think they wont except you for something, maybe you think that theyll be just like others youve had the displeasure of having to deal with, and i am truly sorry for that, but if they are worth having around they will accept you for who you are, flaws and all.
And you know what else? It doesn't matter what youre going through, how insignificant and stupid you may or may not think your problems are, it does not matter. What matters is how it makes you feel. Even if others think its not a big deal, even if you think its not a big deal and that you should just get over it, screw that! If it causes you to hurt, or makes you feel bad in any way shape or form, then it matters! Your problems matter! So what if they dont matter to the people around you, so what if you yourself think your problems dont matter? I think it matters.
Cutting toxic people out of your life is a good, healthy thing to do! Think about it, if you have a virus in your body, what do you do? You take it out, make it leave, because its not healthy for you! Maybe while your sick you think it would feel vetter if you did nothing about it, you push help away because right then and there it hurts. But those you get better often dont regret it. Weird example, I know, its not an exact comparison, bu still! Think about it. I know it hurts, but sometimes you have to face the facts of whether or not this person will really honestly bring whats best for you!...
Maybe you dont have that option though, to cut people out of your life. I can understand that sometimes the toxic people are your family, maybe even your parents.. and if youre someone whos going through a hard time due to toxic families and parents, I am so sorry. You probably have a long way to go before everything is okay again. But trust me, eventually it will get better! Then itll get worse! Life is a goddamn rollercoaster, and when you get to the bottom of a hill, you may feel like it'd be better to just get off the ride, but wait!! There could be a turn up ahead, and if you never make it to the turn you' never know what was up ahead!
And you may be thinking: "What if all this stuff im dealing with just gets worse?!"
But let me ask you this:
What if it gets better?
What if one day you wake up and you look back at how far youve come, and youre happy? What if one day you wake up and find that getting out of ved doesnt feel like climbing Mount Everest? What if one day you can honestly say youre happy with how your life is? Maybe youre not there yet, maybe you have so so many miles to go that the journey just seems impossible, but i promise you, it will be okay. If you keep going, if you dont give up and keep trying, someday things will get better.
So please just hang on a little longer, okay? I believe in you. From one person struggling to another, I'm giving you some of my happiness through this post. Im ddoing everything that is in my power as a living breathing human being to pass on some of the positivity I have right now. And you know what? Even if this only helps one person, even if only a singlular person out of however many people read this find happiness or some form of positivity from this post, then it was worth making.
Do not hesitate to message me personally if you need anyone to talk to(this is my main). And i dont just mean venting, i mean literally if you want someone to talk to about a show you like, about something you saw on the news, even about the goddamn weather, i dont care, go ahead and message me.
I sincerely hope you have a wonderful day ♡♡♡
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"Apopalictic Astral Asending" Reavaluate disassociate my self worth...
The galaxies have birthed an uncontrollable being ....
I've feel as tho Ive seen myself split in two ..
Witch side do u wanna see if ur lucky I'll let you choose .
Cause in the end I loose..
One of hate one of love could both be from up above..
Or down below ...
I've began to show signs of delusions as half my mind goes an tells me it's only mild confusion. As my body fights my brain an heart to escape theys terrible illusions.
Yet the other half tries to start a fusion of body an mind an all the suddently my thoughts are no longer mine..
But a evil so Divine that its wound it's way threw time itself I've fealt the damage the energy dealt. I've yelped in anquish an pain been stuck for 7 long years in the rain with nothing to gain .. I can barely fathom to explain im not fully on earth I'm on another astral plane but i fear i flew out of my lane I've gone insane never wanted fame Ever fealt like bat man I mean oops Bruce Wayne. Nah fuck hes spoiled a wet rat infact I'm more like hulk duck when I'm near i wearly see I'm drowning inside my mind but no one can hear my dear I fear I've lost control again but cant compute I've been booted out of the system I've clawed hit an kicked to try to get to the top but i outta of known I've been ripped an thrown from my throne ive been shown what this beast can do but who woulda thought a demon bought my soul ..a jackal a goul.....you'll see me shift into numbness I suposse it was my own dumbness for being to open now cause of me my body an mind are broken an stole. as I weep an shutter an i try to speak but only stutter I found myself weak in defeat ....as ik this demon reaching its peak will plunder an pillage the town I've found I'm bound to this beast nowhere to run not north south or east I can run it will feast on my soul until the end of time ..
For diamonds cannot compare to the rarity of a soul nor a bowl of Ruby's an jems rolled in gold .....
A bold statement you say........
.. theres no ray of light here they stole it away buried it in your mind but how can u define being locked trapped in yourself ...
You've dealt your own fate ...
Wanting ansers u dint deserve ..
Did you like your just dessert's...no?
Dose it hurt ..... After you itll kill children's childhood freinds like bernie & eart ....whent bizzirk an bashed there brains makeing bloody rains
curking on everyone with cutlery forks an knifes* slice *cook big bird with chives after I've shanked him 900 times... 100 more woulda been devine serve him drink to dry alone cooked an ripped him to the bone but not quite alone u may not be home inside but u can still watch...I thought I taught u better than to close ur eyes dont beg or look surprised look away an I'll adopt another stray to do the same a slow sweet death cure's my hunger anyway
.the wines innocents blood bitter sweet to the taste of the tounge
no one thought it capable I seemed...looked ...so young..
They dint know it had just begun it wasn't me but the evil half committing crime with glee an fleeing repetavidly revealingly images to my mind of times & crimes so sickening I thought I'd die forever scetched seered into my mind .binded with no power as one towers over you using your power you cowar for how dose one define the disasbalment of there an every defined mind while ur inner demon dines on flesh making a mess of your vessel you cant even wrestle your way to the light to stay only break down in defeat that your so far away you've became an internal mess cant even stand on ur feet the beast has u chained in defeat u cry an apologize looking for answers as of how to stop.....an then...you hear a voice .." you outta stayed silent instead of talk back. U shouldn't of complained do u still think ur life used to be pain...... . Ur a sack of shit ur wit is less than that of an ant not to rant but I'm not done yet I have ur soul now I'm never letting go no no no I have plenty more so much to show many souls to reap an emotions to subdue after all u said yes.....
...did you forget ur the one who started this.
mess ......you dressed your mind with fantasy an fiction word to the wise never mess with other worldly friction an your itching for a way out but I doubt ull get there before the end of time .after all you had a devil an an angel on ur shoulder an you chose wrong this time. Only took 666 times but I'm patient an always waiting for 6 years hating an burning flesh waiting for a prayer a call after all Lucifer was once an angel an the most beautiful you just dint get to see from what angle he had beauty wrath an determination but u humans resulted in his isolation incarsorason. So now we will end up being humanity's enialation when were done there entire selves with evaporate for the demons have released self hate to pro create creatures in confidence we annihilate the fate of the human race at least the trace slight like us able to bust threw dementions so weve mentioned a start to find the inordinary soul an heart ......humanity was doomed from the start.. you stole our purpose our reason to be......humans sit in sin an glee.
Your humanitys Pride is overbearing never genuinely caring ..
Greed is sweeping the nation its reached ever state an it's got a hot heaping plate of corruption for mankind's consumption greed is grotesque in its steps of the darkest quest to corupt ur mind an want. .want..want until that's all you are is wanting more
Lusting over losely draped garments you've tarnished ur soul .
Envy of what you do not posses but for all you know that information an life would make you a mess but ud still test ur envious tendencies.....
Glutton glutton what have you gained it's not knowledge no for it's to plain rather glutton uve found a urge that wont go away....
Wrath an vengeance blood draw too no one stops till some dies him or you....
Sloth last but not least cant forget you cause uuuh wait what that fuck do u do....you sleep an sulk sit slither out of simple tasks an that's why ur not 1st no ur last like humanity just ask ....
So soon the day will draw near the the number 4 is what you should fear our dear old freinds were sending up for a visit so they can reddit ur fate for each a horse an a trait the first out the door with bow in hand riding a white horse with bow in hand
..
Conquest the start of the final test leading the restthere dark version of light on a white stallion he leads the way an soon will follow hades anyway.
War was next on a red steed he rode prepared to purge an quench new blood for the wars an battels would just begin brother against brother an close of kin witch to win?
Famine foe of all on a black horse with the courses hair so fair merely bone but dont let his appearance fool you hes for he is full devouring your greed taking away everything you want or need an now ur rationed to nearly starvation stretching farther than destination world wide sensation...
Pleage reaper of souls slowly apears steadly trotting riding a very sickly steed looking pale an almost gruesome green with sores an sickness best keep a distance. For he shall be the bringer of death an reap you all one by one to the four you shall fall...
Will you be spared are you true....
Are you happy with your life what did you do...?
Rapture no you still must die.....
Say good by to this earthy chapter theres so much more that manifest after.
But only your earthly husk must rust an fall your all energy of grate mass....
It's time to take the task of self evolvment an enjoy an enlightened installment
this world was just step wrench ur third eye wide open an accept the token of eternal life.
Grinded it to atoms a flash of dust all together ur a self fulfilling must memory pass u in a rush.....
. sudently ur bodysuit is gone ....
But it dint felt like it quite belonged.
You were 7 grams of light matter to be exact an sudently you've cracked the atmosphere ..steering energetic waves my metal psyche caves to the new information flying threw stars consolations.
Suddently speeding at the sound of light the stratosphere seems to disapear ..
My fear is gonewithout a trace an freedom transferred in its place
but am waved in infatuation to find out about out true destination...
Restoration of the soul the goal of a higher self being achieved as I crash into the sun 1500°
I feel a warmth like no other each being hues of light I might of missed earth if not I heard a voice but a mental push no need for speech just thinking it shall be done said by the the brightest in the sun.
Rejoice at last but ur journeys yet to pass ..
This is merely were you start ....
Our flames grew high with frantic waves not wanting to give up the new life we were just gave
Suddenly our flames grew dim as we felt a swirling deep from withn sudently the surface of the sun turned to tin an bent in a cracked an caved with itself our time an space sending us ascending in alignment the same assignment.
Because the sun has begun to change ina twisted way a black hole some could say.
As all of our astral beings were ripped an tore apart at the seams we all merged an formed one all knowing creative being an sudently everything I've know has little matter I'm past a point of human chatter i understand infinity the holy trinity I down in the milky way an experienced every life I've relived it twice I've spliced my genetics into over 2000 million beings I've seen good an bad in between experienced every tragedy to build my strength an studyd every thesis an theory thread an chain nearly drove my vessel insane even took knifes threw my veins in anger yet it failed I was just a trailer.ive seen love hate an anger
Comprehension compasing many others I have love an understanding past many beings there anger seems to brush by me cause I'm with 2000 souls an minds that have formed one to reach a state I can medidate in the milky way an force your negative away .
Our astral self has accumulated complete power an understanding by costuming to our full potential our old body's merely a rental.
Gentle at first then bursted into power showered in knowledge I know now much that I wondered before but now I want more an I've thought till I an 2000 shared beings head hurt cause my girth of knowledge will now never be enough it's tough cause now I must find .... how to ascend again but for now i must defend my vast mind defind crime ...?
Keeping 2000 vast voices locked away so I can focus an try to learn anyway leaning in to vast places is I the 1st 2nd or 3rd or other many plains I cant quiet place I'm traveling threw them all searching for everything I couldn't before .
This life isent like the countless other this life I like it has interesting teathers
I've surpass Angel's an there feathers an vison of a hawk.
I've surpass demonds and there demonic temping talk ..
I've walked on water as I was ripped apart an I felt my self rebuilt every cell of my being got hit with rods of power lightning not even myself can fight me god like abilities the universe as built in me theres ben a spiritual shift a tilt in me somthing generations of DNA sprawled out in a numerical display my old life experiences is the price I pay so that I can be god even if only for a day
I think I'll sit an think somewere in the outter spink of the universe I've cursed myself with knowledge an now I'm aware step into my astral space....
If you dare...
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rosepetalmark · 5 years
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Not in the Stars
2.5k words
Renjun x Reader
warnings: alcohol mention
in which you plan to confess your love for your best friend to him at a party, but the universe has other plans in store for the both of you. 
You like Renjun. A lot. 
That was one sentence in your five years of friendship with Huang Renjun that you never thought you’d say to yourself, let alone admit to. 
You don’t know where these feelings came from, but all you know is that they’re strong and on your mind twenty four seven. Everything he says and does captivates your mind, causing your feelings for him to grow even stronger.
It’s as if these feelings for him suddenly hit you like a brick one day. You were strictly best friends last week, and now you have these unexplainable deep feelings for him, eating you alive and begging for you to confess to him.
It’s not that you’re opposed to dating Renjun, it’s just that he’s been your best friend for several years and he means so incredibly much to you. You just don’t want to risk losing him or making things between you two weird if he doesn’t feel the same. 
So you suppress your feelings. As long as you have Renjun as your best friend, that’s all that matters, right?
Jaemin always makes you second guess yourself, explaining that the dynamic duo that you and Renjun are would be ten times more incredible if you were dating. Since you’re already best friends and know everything about each other, why not date? Only bigger and better things can come from it he always says.
Although Jaemin makes strong points, you’re still scared Renjun will turn you away, mainly because you’re ninety nine percent certain that he only views you as a friend, nothing more and nothing less. 
Yeah you have sleepovers  and spend hours late at night talking on the phone with one another, but that’s what best friends do. If Huang Renjun has any feelings for you, you’re sure someone would have said something by now. 
You get the typical stares from old people when you make your daily trek to school in the morning, him waiting outside your house for you at exactly seven forty two, smiling so bright the second you walk out your front door.  
You constantly get mistaken as his girlfriend whenever you go out together on the weekend, which always causes a deep pink blush to appear on Renjun’s cheeks. He’s always quick to brush it off though, making it clear to everyone around you that you’re strictly best friends, and that neither of you view each other in that way. 
Boy is he wrong.
Everything about Renjun makes your heart flutter, and that’s something that scares you.
For starters, he excels so well in school. For someone who spends eighty percent of his time doodling instead of taking notes, he aces every test and can recite every piece of information that’s been discussed in class with no problem.
He’s caring and funny, and so unapologetically himself. He takes you to art museums on your spare time, talks about the latest conspiracy that’s on his mind, and always insists you go for milkshakes every Sunday night.
And boy was he cute. The way he tilts his head all the way back and crinkles his eyes when he laughs makes your heart absolutely melt.
Huang Renjun makes you happy and positive and there’s nothing more in this world that you want than to hold his hand and kiss him in public, as well as call him your boyfriend so bad. 
It wasn’t until you were out late with him, hanging out on the roof at Jeno’s house, trying to escape the loudness that was coming from inside. Jeno was throwing a kickback to celebrate the beginning of summer, something he does ever year, in which there’s always too many people inside, and you and Renjun find yourself on the roof trying to seek solace in the stars. 
Renjun looked so ethereal in the moonlight. There was nothing more that you wanted to do than press your lips ever so gently against his, and hold his hand while staring up at the stars displayed so brightly above you both in the dark sky. 
“What are you thinking about bubs?” Renjun asked, referring to the nickname he gave you when he found out that’s the name you gave your favourite stuffed rabbit when you were a child. 
God the way his voice sounded in this moment made you weak. The tipsiness you both experienced earlier was wearing off, causing your lack of hydration to become present through your raspy voices. 
But you don’t care. You’re with Renjun, and you are warm and comfortable and in love. 
In love. 
You’re in love with Huang Renjun and you can’t keep it in any longer.
Maybe this would be the best time to tell him. Every time you’re completely sober, you push the idea to the side, trying your best to forget your feelings for him even exist. What if Jun doesn’t feel the same? What if he does but months down the line you figure out you’re better off as friends, and then when you try to get back into your non-romantic routine, everything feels off? You always worry that things will go wrong and Renjun will eventually stop being your friend.
Not tonight though. Renjun looks gorgeous in the moonlight and the little bit of alcohol that remains in your system is acting as your source of encouragement, convincing you to confess to him right now and hope for the best outcome possible. 
“Love,” you reply nonchalantly. 
“Love?” he questions, staring back to you, seemingly surprised with your response. 
“Yeah. Just wondering what the universe has in store for me, you know?” you ask, turning your body to face his direction, criss crossing your legs over one another. “The idea of love both intrigues me and freaks me out. It’s exciting anticipating what will come from it, but the fear of something going wrong down the line makes me not want to pursue it, you know?” you say, staring innocently into his eyes.
He cocks his head, an intrigued look falling on his face. He purses his lips, looking as if he’s going to say something, but remains silent. 
You both remain in silence for the next several minutes, which causes your thoughts to wander. What if Renjun has caught on? Maybe he’s thinking of ways to turn you down gently. Or he’s trying to express that he somehow knows you’re talking about him, and he’s trying to do so in a similar manner. 
But the silence is killing you, and you want nothing more than for Renjun to say something. Anything to get your thoughts to shut up, and your heart race to stop rapidly beating.
“I think you shouldn’t be scared of love,” he finally says. 
Taking a deep breath, he looks off into the sky, admiring the many stars laying millions of miles away from you both. “I get that you never know what may come out of it, but I think it’s worth a shot to know you tried, and to experience something you’re not fully sure is going to work,”  he speaks softly.
“Take a look at the universe for example. It’s so big and undiscovered, yet millions of people are fascinated by it. We’re obsessed with the stars and galaxies and the possibility of aliens- which I know for a fact exist by the way, yet we’re not afraid to spend our time discovering them and giving them our attention. I think of love in a similar manner. Yeah the thought seems so broad and scary, as there’s so many things to experience and discover, but I think it’s worth it. You’re only going to learn new things about yourself and life, so why not give it a shot?”
He clears his throat, and pays his attention back to you. He has a look of determination in his eyes, and that only makes you grow even more anxious.
“Aren’t you a wise expert on love, Mr. Huang,” you chuckle.
“Well what can I say? I do a lot of thinking on my spare time when I’m not bickering with you,” he laughs, positioning himself on his arms so he can get a better view of the night sky.
“Hey!” you shout, pushing onto his arm, causing him to lose his newly comfortable position and to fall on his back. “What are you thinking about Ren? You have this sour look on your face.”
“Well your idea of love got me thinking,” he says softly, staring into your eyes.
Nervousness takes over your body. You have no idea what he’s going to say, and every second of silence is eating you up.
“And?” you say abruptly, eager to know what he’s about to say. 
“I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, and I don’t know, I never thought much of it because I’m a wimp, but I think I’m going to ask Yeri out” he confesses, a small smile forming on his face. 
The mention of Yeri makes your heart sink. Yeri. He wants to ask out Yeri. Not you. 
Of course he likes Yeri. What isn’t there to like about her? She’s really pretty and polite, and they’re both the editors of the school newspaper, so they spend a great amount of time with each other. 
God this hurt. 
“Oh really,” you respond, with a less enthusiastic tone replacing your prior happy one.
“Yeah. We’ve been getting to know each other a lot more ever since we got asked to do this editorial on the basketball team, and I think I may have feelings for her”
“Well, um I think you should go for it Renjun, “ you reply, looking off into the stars to help keep what’s happening off your mind. If you look into his eyes, you’re certain you’ll start crying.
If it’s not you, you’re glad he has an interest in a girl with a golden heart and personality. 
“You think? What if she doesn’t like me?” he asks nervously, fiddling with the rings on his fingers.
“Like you said Ren, you never know what will come from love. Why not give it a shot if it’ll lead to potentially greater things not only within yourselves, but life in general? And if she ends up only seeing you as a friend, it’s okay. You’ll find someone one day who loves every part of you.”
And you can’t help but know deep down that that person is you. If Yeri rejects him, you’ll be right here to help him pick up the pieces, if not, you’ll still be here. As his best friend. Renjun deserves all the love and happiness the universe has to offer him, and despite being sad he shows no romantic interest in you, you’re glad he finds it in an amazing girl. 
“Alright cool, I guess I’ll ask her out on Monday when we meet up to discuss the paper then.” he says, smiling to himself. 
He looks so happy. Ecstatic even. You haven’t seen him smile this big since he won first place in your school’s art show.
“She’s here you know, at the party,” you say to him. “You should do it now.”
“You think?” he asks, eyes wide. 
Renjun was never one to act on impulse. He’s a man with a plan, and always has to do things by the book or else he’ll lose his hair. He likes structure and time, a complete flip from your bold and impulsive self. 
“Yeah, why not? You’re both here, you look really cute right now, and the stars are out in your favour, shining bright to provide you with the courage to do so.” 
This makes Renjun smile. You’ve always been a help in boosting his confidence, and you’re glad to be of assistance in such a nerve-wracking yet exciting period in his life. 
Standing up, he dusts the possible dirt off his legs. He crouches over, looking into your eyes and grabs your hand. “You’re the best y/n. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“As I with you,” you reply, a soft grin forming from your lips. “Now go downstairs and ask her out before she leaves.”
Standing back up, he begins walking to the door. “I’ll let you know how it goes!” he half shouts, pressing his hand to the door handle,  and making his way back into the house. 
You’re now left alone, on the rooftop, with just the stars and your thoughts. 
Why didn’t you bring up your feelings to him sooner, you thought. Now you’re only left sad and alone, because you were too scared to tell your best friend you’re in love with him. Confessing to him seemed so perfect in your mind a couple minutes ago, but sadly the universe has other plans in store for you. 
You decide to get comfortable and lie down, and begin to look at the constellations that are possibly present within the night sky. You can still hear the loud, most likely drunk people just a floor below you, and the vibration of the music hitting your body despite being away from the noise. But you don’t care. It’s just you and the sky, and you’re doing everything in your power to forget about the party below you, and to focus on the stars. 
As you point out the orion in the sky, you feel a buzz in your back pocket, indicating that you’ve got a text. Reaching for it, you unlock your phone, and see a notification stating that Renjun messaged you. Pressing on the messages app, you click on his name and read the following:
jun bug: she said yes!! we’re going out on tueday after we’re done editing :) (2:17 AM)
“Yes.” Yeri said yes. 
You’re happy for your best friend, but for yourself, you’re heartbroken. The possibility of dating him is now slim to none, especially since a potential girlfriend is in the mix, only making you more sad for yourself. 
You make sure to reply quick, and in a way that’ll make him happy, and hopefully provide you with the positivity that everything will be okay.
y/n: i’m so happy for you ren <3 (2:18 AM)
As you press send, you feel the tears start to slide down your cheeks. You’re happy for him, you really are, but you can’t help but wish that things went differently, and that you were in Yeri’s position. 
But as Renjun said before, love can be scary. It’s a learning experience, and if it doesn’t work out, you just need to take what you can from it, and hope for the best in the future. 
So you’ll take his words, and you’ll try your best to move on. 
It’ll be tough, but you hope to god that one day he’ll just be your best friend, and that this heartbreak won’t last with you forever. 
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kspre-help · 4 years
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cheap cosplay? no problem
I’ve been doing cosplay for a good while now and im the type of person who constantly needs to have new content and new costumes every 3 or so months because i am impatient and easily bored. But obviously with new costumes, you’ll need to spend some $$ so im going to write a short post about how to do cosplay without breaking the bank each time
i did this entire costume for under 25$ check out the rest to learn my ways !!
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tl;dr: thrift, reuse, taobao, or get sick deals. more under the cut!
1. Thrift stores are your best friend
I thrift a LOT at local vintage stores, goodwill, value village and the sorts. Try to also check out ur local family-run convenience stores (i like toronto’s chinatown) as they often carry miscellaneous items that are marked down depending on season. I personally love using old curtains because they usually have a lot of fabric to work with and it’s not thin. i made this jacket with curtains a friend left behind and the rest is thrifted, stuff i already had or made from scraps. (cost: $25)
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so don’t be afraid to rip apart old curtains, bed sheets and modify thrifted clothing!!! (in the same vein, pay a visit to walmart, dollarama or whatever cheap 1$ stores for materials and art supplies!) 
2. Ebay and aliexpress aren’t so bad (besides the shipping time)
I use ebay and aliexpress a lot for items that i just can’t find in person. I almost only get wigs off of these two sites and found the quality is very decent. Do watch out for aliexpress as some sellers are just taobao resellers that increase the prices of their items. the main thing is to know HOW to search for items. use general terms like ‘black vest’ or ‘striped pants’ to keep it vague enough so itll give you a lot of results (aka more price options). if you can’t find the perfect match, use your thrifting knowledge and think how you can modify ebay-bought items for your cosplay. on aliexpress, i like to check off ‘free shipping’ and check ‘orders’ so there are reviews and feedback i can look at for items 
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this was around 55$ but the catsuit itself was only 10$ (and the aforementioned swimsuit miku was all from aliexpress/ebay. i just bought faerie wings, a generic blue swimsuit, shorts, a tube top and cheap nightgown. all of that was like 22$)
the shipping times are unfortunately a bit unpredictable so be patient or plan ahead as it can take up to two months. if it doesn’t arrive within the estimated time frame, open up a dispute and you may even get some money refunded.
3. Taobao and its international best friend, superbuy
Sometimes making a costume from scratch just isn’t worth it when it has become so readily available on chinese shopping sites. An example would be like demon slayer where the uniforms are sold for 20-30$ and making it yourself (printing fabric, using applique for the designs etc etc) could easily end up being over 60$. Wigs are also high quality and typically cost under 30$. I personally recommend using superbuy as far as im aware they have really really low service rates (like 0.05% of your item costs) and they send images + updates of your items when they arrive at the warehouse to be shipped internationally.  (you can even buy fabric for cheap if you find your local fabric stores are just a bit too $$)
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i made this with fabric bought off taobao and it cost me 30$ (includes shipping)
obviously, there will be shipping. I find that one costume will typically cost around 10$ to ship, but if you want multiple items, look into setting up a group order so the shipping costs can be split between your friends. The shipping time surprisingly is better than ebay and aliexpress i find - it usually takes a month for me.
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i bought this entire set for bort (wig and costume) for around 40-50$ and shipping was split with friends so total is around 55-60$. NOTE: WATCH OUT FOR CUSTOMS so when ordering a lot of items, do so with discretion!
4. reuse and recosplay
I take apart a lot of old costumes and old clothing i don’t wear anymore to harvest for fabric or other bits (buttons, zippers). i personally sometimes forego accuracy if it means i can reuse some old fabric which may be slightly different from the original design. from thrifting, i also modify a lot of clothing and reuse them if i can.
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both of these cost me probably like 10$ for the dress.
i also cosplay miku A LOT because i can reuse the wig over and over again. consider cosplaying a character who wears different outfits OR cosplaying characters with similar hair styles so you can just style it instead of buying a new one. i also buy generic shoes and clothing items so i can use them for multiple characters. (like black heels, black boots, white shirt, black pants, red tie etc) it’s a good idea to also learn how to dye wigs if you need to change the color.
5. return after you’re done
this is a bit tricky and not always recommended. BUT HONESTLY, i’ve done this a couple times. i have bought items from stores to use for a photoshoot and returned it after i was finished using. obviously keep the tag on and don’t be too wild and damage the item when shooting. 
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i bought the jacket off amazon prime and the top from victoria secret. i did a shoot for love death and robots then returned everything after. this costume cost me 0$ (i already owned the wig which was like 8$ anyways) NOTE: make sure the store allows returns! ESPECIALLY amazon prime since they may not accept returns depending on the item
6. halloween season is over, but cosplay season isn’t!
go on to halloween costume sites off season. these sites are pretty dead when it’s not october so they have big sales to drive purchases. i like to use halloween costumes which is where i got this outfit.
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this cost me 0$ because there was damages and stains on the skirt and i got refunded. BUT otherwise, it is 40$
so there you have it! some ways to keep costs low and economical. i personally always try to be as cheap as possible. always budget what you need for your costumes and see where you can apply these tips to cut costs if possible. good luck!! 
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I'm ftm (pre everything) and am in choir but I also want to sing and maybe pursue it later but if I go on hormones then I'm afraid I won’t be able to. Advice?
Lee says:
I like singing, how will T affect my voice?
We can’t tell you what will happen to your voice- people tend to be able to sing well (once their voice is done changing!) if they could sing well before, but there are instances of people losing their singing voices.
We’ve anecdotally heard of some people on T being able to keep their high notes, but it’s much more likely that you lose your high notes as your vocal cords thicken. 
T will most likely deepen your voice so your range will change, but as long as you continue to practice and don’t overwork your voice into notes you cannot reach anymore your singing voice probably will be okay- different, but okay.
But we can’t guarantee this, and it’s your decision whether testosterone and passing/being comfortable in your body are worth the risks of losing your singing voice for you.
This post has a bit more on singing
The Changing Female-To-Male (FTM) Voice
The Changing Female-To-Male (FTM) Voice Pedagogical Notes 
Testosterone And The Trans Male Singing Voice
Training the Transgender Singer: Finding the Voice Inside
Followers, any examples of trans singers on T for us to add? Or any personal experiences to add on?Followers, any personal experiences to add?
Followers say:
aeolianchemistry said: have a lot to say about this! i may not be the most coherent bc im half asleep lol, but anyone feel free to message me about this anytime and ask for more details!,
this was my biggest Thing when i was deciding to pursue hrt. ive been in various choirs for years, and its a very Important part of my life. but also my voice was my #1 source of dysphoria, and the #1 thing i needed to change. i searched for weeks to find anything about what to expect from hrt as a singer, esp bc ive heard stories of trans ppl losing their siging voice entirely. i was terrified, and couldnt find resources to shed any significant light on the topic.
and so, in no particular order bc im half asleep, here are some things to expect and things that i’ve experienced so far (almost six months on hrt):
- practice while your voice is dropping! feel it out every step of the way. get to know your voice while it’s changing, and try to maintain those high notes. i didnt do a v good job of this and my high range kinda just shriveled up. i cant be sure that it wouldve been hugely different if id practiced more, but ive heard it does help
- yoir voice will feel different. unfamiliar at times. you wont be using it the same way youre used to. technique will change, placement will change
- my speaking voice shifted downward after just a month or two (i had mild hyperandrogynism before, so this wont be as quick for everyone), before my singing voice did. i didn’t start getting new low range until later, but within my pre-t vocal range, my voice just sat a bit lower than it used to. my low alto filled out more. than i started getting new notes, slowly
- there will be periods of time where it cracks or breaks or is unreliable. dont push it, but dont despair either. keep practicing as well as you can
- my voice is somewhat fragile. if i yell (which i can only somewhat do currently) or push it or force it thru cracks/breaks/weak spots, it will get tired easily and take quite a while to recover. be nice to your voice. dont push high notes if they cause strain. dont push the low notes either, even tho im sure youre excited about them
- your voice will be weak while it’s shifting. this can cause frustration and anxiety. i’m two months into my choir season singing w two and a half choirs, and i’m dealing w lots of Complicated Feelings bc my voice just cant do all the things i want it to. i cant project much, and i certainly dont have the strength (yet) to audition for any of the solos i’d like to. Patience
- the Weird Spots and the Weak Spots will continue to shift around. i have this one area in the middle of my range (currently its about Ab3-B3, but a few weeks ago it was B3-C4) where its weird and weak and its kind of like a break in register but also a bit like a black hole, bc i Cannot Project there and theres no good placement for singing those notes, and notes in the vicinity of those are also Weird but Less So. it’s slowly sliding downwards, and i am learning to navigate it better. i’m hoping it will settle and go away soon, but we’ll see
- breath support is v important. as mentioned, your voice may be quite fragile, and putting strain on it could cause it to glitch out on you for a while. supporting your voice w lots of breath will put less demand on your vocal chords
- NEVER SING IN A BINDER or compressive garment. you need those lungs!
- you’re going to miss out on some of the nostalgic singalongs of old choir songs, bc you no longer have the range to sing your old parts. this is possibly the #1 consequence of transitioning that im the most sad about lol
- i have a very weird quality to my high range rn. it seems to be caught midway between the head voice it used to be and future falsetto or whatever it’s moving toward. for now its just Strange to listen to
the current state of my voice is this:
low range is down to almost the bottom of the bass clef. i can sing down to Bb2, A2 on a good day.
from there up to F3ish is quite comfy and possibly the strongest part of my singing voice, but i do find that if i spend too much time down there it can strain the rest of my range (i used to have this problem before too: if i sang in my low alto range too much or too enthusiastically, my sop range would get tired).
from G3-C4, it’s Awkward. the Awkwardness shifts around, and some parts of it can be more comfy than others sometimes, but it’s all v inconsistent. i cant project much here, and placement is veryvery Weird.
D4-F4ish is typically comfy but has a bit of that Strange quality to it. these notes are a bit floaty, but not bad.
G4-B4 are unreliable. somedays i can get up there. some days it’ll blink out or crack or break or just Not Be There. i am predicting that once my high range settles into a proper falsetto, i’ll be able to work on this range more and it’ll have less of that Strange quality to it, but only time will tell
again, apologies for being Scattered, it’s 1am and ive had a long day. any of yall are welcome to message me for more details ☺
there is a lot of weirdness and weakness and Awkward in the transition period. but while i’m frustrated at times, i’m not worried. everything i’m dealing w is temporary. now i can’t be 100% sure how my voice will settle or when, but i’m not afraid i’ve lost it forever. as far as i’ve heard, the stories of trans ppl who lose their singing voice on t are very rare cases. youre going to go through weeks or months where singing is Weird in constantly shifting ways, but itll keep on moving and developing, and personally i’m so excited to see where it goes.
i’m currently singing tenor2 in my choirs, and occasionally i get to take a trip down and sing baritone. im not even 6months in! that has transformed my choir experience to be even better than before, even w all the awkwardness. it was so weird and beginning to get verg uncomfy to be in a place like choir, which is so important to me, which i love dearly, which has had a significant impact on my life, but which revolved around the use of my one most dysphoric feature. but now i don’t have to worry about that. now i can sing the parts i’ve been wanting to sing for years.
i do occasionally miss some of my old voice. i miss soaring soprano lines, i miss all the old alto parts in songs i used to know. i miss the confidence and strength of a familiar, complete voice. and im allowed to miss those, i dont feel bad about having that longing or sadness, bc i have zero regrets. i also occasionally miss playing with and styling my super long hair, but in five years i have not once regretted cutting it all off. i own those memories and that nostalgia, but i keep moving forward to new and better things
pinesboi said: If you keep working at your voice and take lessons to make sure you never let it get out of practice, everything should be okay. I’m on T now about 3-4 months, and I’m still singing high tenor musical theatre
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iridescentearth · 5 years
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I dont know what to say. I have so much to say though.
I guess ill start with i hate you. I hate you with every fiber of my body. I'm utterly seething in rage and wish you would be hit with all the consequences of all the shitty things you have ever done to me and others. I hate what you did to me. I hate how you made me feel and hate that years later you continue to make me feel that way. I hate that im scared of you. But most of all i hate how i didnt hate you then. I hate that i loved you.
I poured so much fucking love into you. So much. I thought that maybe if i filled your cracks with love and affection, you would heal. But you never did. Instead you took your own wounds and repeated them on me, making sure i felt every inch of pain you ever felt. You broke me, repeatedly, until i was just an empty shell like you. You never wanted to heal, to love. You just wanted another to hurt as bad as you did. You made it worse pretending you wanted to heal. You promised me big things. You went to rehab. You promised therapy. Everytime you always fell through. And it was always MY fault. I wasnt supportive enough. I made you relapse. I made you angry. Everything.was.always.my.fault. ALWAYS. Every time you drank. Everytime you smoked. Everytime you picked up hard drugs.
Ah the drugs. You loved them didnt you? You still do. You always loved them more than me. You always made that abundantly clear. Like the time you gave me laced weed and i started freaking out over what it was doing to my body. You laughed and thought it was a funny joke. You knew i wouldnt have smoked it if i knew. You always wanted me in an altered state of mind. Easier for you to play with your doll i guess. I wouldnt object to your sexual advances. I wouldnt fight back when you were angry. How could i? I couldnt even function. I only ever did it to make you happy, until it became the only escape from your hell i knew.
I cant stand you. Yet i can still feel your hands around my neck. I can still feel the bruises you left on my wrists. I can still feel the sharp blade of the knife you pressed against my throat and the sadistic look in your eyes when you threatened to kill me. You really did want to kill me that day. And it wasnt the first day. I still feel the saliva dripping down my face after you called me a cunt and spit on me. I still feel your disgusting hands touching my body when i said no. And i will always remember the rabid look on your face while you screamed at me to love you while you shook me so hard i thought i would pass out.
I am still amazed at the amount of shock and stress that my body was able to handle. All the panic attacks, anxiety attacks, the physical abuse, the mental abuse. I remember my throat closing so tight i couldnt breathe, screaming was the only thing that saved my life that day. I was hysterical. it was the closest to choking to death ive ever been. I remember crying myself to sleep in the dark next to you after youve had your fill of my body. I remember so many nights of me breaking down, crying uncontrollably so hard i couldnt stop shaking or wailing. I remember sitting in the cold outside, trying to take my life over and over again. Time after time. I was never as suicidal as when i was with you. My friends are the only reason im alive today. You were the only reason i wouldve been dead.
You have destroyed me as a person. And i loved you still. You raped me. And i loved you still. You hurt me physically. And i loved you still. You hurt my friends. And i loved you still. You hurt my family. And i loved you still. You took EVERYTHING from me. My education. my body. My mind. My sanity. My friends. My family. And i loved you still. I still had hope in you. I still wanted to be there for you. I gave you love in its purest form after being beaten down again and again and stripped of everything, and it wasn't enough. I was never enough.
I.was.never.enough.
Each day that rings in my mind. Each day im reminded of my worth to you. I dont think itll ever go away. Do you know what it does to a person, to love someone that much, to only get what i got in return? You took advantage of me in such a vulnerable time in my life. I was merely a child when you found me. I was 14. you were 17. You wouldnt get out of my life until i was 18. 4 years. All of my highschool career. They were supposed to be one of the most enjoyable times in my life. I was supposed to make friends, go to dances, and be a kid. Instead i was isolated, raped, and abused. 4 fucking years. 4 years of my childhood. Youre a predator. i dont know how you couldve looked at a child my age like that. Youre disgusting. You make me disgusted.
I feel like i lost out on so much. I salvaged what i could during the final months of my senior year. I tried to live again. I made new friends. I learned to love again.
Im still learning to love. Its hard. Its hard to believe someone when they say they love me. Its hard to love my parents when they wouldnt protect me when i was a child. Its hard to love and believe anyone.
But i have HIM now. And he is much more of a man than you will EVER be. He doesnt even raise his voice at me. When he puts his hands on me, he does so to hold me. When he puts his lips on me, he does so to tell me he loves me. When he gets intimate with me, he does so to worship me. When he hovers around me, he does so to protect me from anything bad, not out of jealousy. When he picks up my phone, he does so to read me a message, instead of searching my phone for reasons to be mad. When he drinks around me, he does so to celebrate his happiness, not sadness. When he lays down next to me for bed, he does so to sleep, and lets me sleep, and doesnt expect anything further. He is a true and proper gentleman, and much more than you could EVER hope to be. Hes made me believe in true love again. Hes made me believe in healthy love. Hes made me believe in loving myself first this time. And hes made me believe that i can have love in its purest unselfish form given back to me. I may have put myself back together after you broke me, but he was the one to fill my cracks with gold. He saw me broken, but instead he decided that broken was beautiful, and he loved me anyways. We build eachother up together, helping eachother grow and blossom from the dirt we used to lay in. THAT is what love is. And that is how i am meant to be loved.
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mylifeisboderline · 6 years
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Omg
Can’t believe how hard it is for me to leave the house alone. Certain things I can do. Like grocery shopping. I went to Best Buy the other day. I dont know why but if I’m dressed nicely but low key I usually feel comfortable in target. But new places are the hardest. I actually never get to them. I cant even make a call to get the health insurance I need.
I was staying in an apartment that was my own place and I find Im more likely to do things for myself. But now im back on my sisters couch searching for a job. Its still like im invisible to her even though Im right here on her own couch. How am I going to be able to take care of myself? Be a productive member of society. Sometimes I think how people literally are doing something almost every hour of the day. They have meetings and go out to lunch then hit the gym and etc etc. They are normal. Making or having friends. Taking instagram pics. I wanna be normal. I wanna have clothes that make me feel like im worth something. I dont want my self esteem to be so low that I cant wear anything besides a tshirt and jeans because I dont want to be noticed. My sisters doing coke again. Her and her boyfriend have been fighting and making up. Shes worried hes using her. She makes all the money and he just quit his job. Hes always making mistakes. I think he is too and she should just leave. They stay uo and do coke then sleep all day. Her daughter has been calling me mama but I think sometimes she just uses that word to tell you what she wants. Or to get your attention. I think they need to spend more time with her. And when shes out running around they need to interact with her more. But in a lot of other ways shes spoiled. I just wanna spend more time with my sister. I need emotional help and her support. She walks in and barely says anything to me, always promising that we will hang out and get out of the house (which I also need someone to go with me anyways) and then doesnt follow through. She told me to move down here and I can stay in her other empty apartment. But now thats in jeopardy so here I am. She never talks to me or lets me talk to her about my feelings my anxiety. Yet I work everything through with her about her boyfriend. Shes so self centered and inconsiderate. But also I love her very much. I wanna get some clothes so I can be half way decent enough to go on a date with this girl. Shes beautiful and lovely and very successful. Shes pre law and in a soriety. She also seems to dress in a very popular style. And I just feel like a faliure next to her. No job. No higher education. People judge you for that. I just wanna at least look nice. It gives an elusion. But I also think she may not be as shallow. But I wanna empress and I dont want her to see my anxiety and how Im a hermit. I seem to only be comfortable “going out” like for fun if Im going out drinking and dancing with my sister. I wasted a lot of my klonopin. And I need the rest for an interview. I have this dumb tattoo on my hand. Itll probably ruin my chances. She texted just as I was writing about her. I dont know her but I can tell Id be proud to bring her home.
Ive gained my weight back since leaving my dads. His girlfriend was so cruel I went from 130 to 99.6. Mocking me for my suicide attempt in the past.
I literally drove myself into a wall. Back off. Two hour “family meetings” over a missing dish rag. Lying on me. Threatening to call the cops over nothing.
I feel like trash. And wasted potential. I feel myself getting more stupid.
I was prescribed 100 lamotrigine. I was on it before but they brought it up to 100 recently. The doctor who filled my lastest prescription gave me 200mg so I cant break them in half and theyd last long. I just started take 2 halfs a day. One in morning one at night. Its only been a day. And then I followed up this morning. I hope it helps. I wanna be independent. Financially, yes. But damn it I wanna be able to do what I want with out a babysitter. I dont wanna be dependent on anyone! So now I wanna ignore this girl until our date tonight. In case she asks about what I’m doing. So she doesnt know I dont have a job. So she doesn’t know Im sitting on the couch watching the first episode of the man in the high castle. Hope its good! Should I text her back? Hmmm. Anyways I think I may feel better getting this out.
I wanna move on from my ex and show her ive upgraded. As shallow and stupid as that sounds. I just know I was too good for herm and its been way longer than a year since we were officially together. But I would still see her when her and her girl would break up. She knows im always here waiting to be used. But not anymore. Havent been for a while. Ive sorta been tip toeing out of my shell. I just want her to see me be great cause she brought me down for so long. Is that stupid? Its not my main goal AT ALL. but is it crazy that itd be like..the chocolate drizzle on the fudge sunday?
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bluebirdzykaysies · 3 years
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5.14 - day before momma leaves
Goddamnit I hate to admit it but I’m already thinking and crying like a baby in my head once my mom leaves me to go back home to sf. the feeling is mutual like melissa said cause she’ll probably be just as a wreck and all this time I’ve been spending with her, I’m cherishing even more. I’ve never felt like this and Victoria said the same thing; expecting that while I transition. But everyone needs to experience this. I DO, especially. I need the time away for a bit to miss them and I already miss those interactions with my brothers too of just lounging in the living room watching NBA games all night, or youtube videos like its judyslife or ustheduo.
Our lives have changed already and itll be so hard as I am bawling my eyes out, sitting in my newly mounted dining table my mom and I put together, facing outwards my window with the Chicago sun, beaming through at a whopping 54 degrees.
This is my life now, I will be on my own and making decisions on my own. Ive told a few folks that I’m sad yet annoyed my moms time here was a bit much. But I know it was perfect for what it is. We’ve been tired each and everytime, her actions speak volumes and our conversations arent as deep as I want, but I know this quality time was one that will impact my life forever. Even though I hate to admit it or will say this to her face. i love my mom. so much, she means so much to me and my brothers. The amount of things she does unselfishly aka drive my freaking car with just her and hector for 5 days cross country. do what she did to make me help settle, there is no one like her. and I will forever appreciate her and love her.
She is opinionated and still felt like I couldnt decide for myself but this will be also a time where I speak up and use my voice. Saying NO.
ugh the tears keep falling down but some highlights from this past week were:
- Silly vlog videos that I actually may put together when I get the time
- 5/6; arrived - went to container store to buy my elfa shelving for my closet. Super nice lady that worked there Hector spoke to. Went to world market to check out their furniture and standing mirrors. TJ Maxx/HomeGoods and picked up some bathroom essentials, shower curtain, mats and beddings, Facetimed Yan/Ronz/Brent+Rick at night (10pm CST) 
Mom stayed with Hector at Courtyard Marriot til Saturday 5/8. So I wanted to stay at the apartment for the first time alone and enjoy the moment and soak it all in. Parking at my garage alone, randomly waking up to the SUNRISE at 545am and just being in awe of my new city... I could just cry
Didn’t get my wifi set up yet so the struggle was real a bit. The air mattress we got from costco has been tough to sleep on but eventually Ill get my mattress. Just have been torn with my furniture not being here since everything was rushed and happened so quickly. Learnings from the move thus far:
-Write a damn list, I DID NOT. Aka thats why a bunch of junk and unnecessary things were with my mom and hector in the car. All couldve been bought here. I ocouldve taken more clothes and shoes
-Alot of my clothes aka my favorite jean jacket and pink/mauve henley was left at home. My running shoes - I decided not to prioritize idk fucking why *rolls eyes* and alot of my other valuables. Brendan is nice enough to ship it. Its not worth to buy a RT flight and go there and take it all back with me... no. :( I would though tbh if I was in LA. lol make couple trips but I’m far enough that its like.... whewww is it worth but one day I will come back and visit. For now, its slated for Oct
5/7 Friday; I had it off started the day late at 12pm and booked my mom, hector and myself tickets to the skydeck. my mom was HILARIOUS, she was scared at first and thought it would be a huge platform to see under but once she saw its just a small piece of glass over 105 floors, it wasnt THAT bad. Her and hector are hilarious together and annoying a little LOL. but I guess they’re cute
Went to Wrigley Field while there was a game and that was an experience. Fans at the top of their houses, Security all over the block, streets closed, fans everywhere. Its such a historical building in the middle of a freaking neighborhood so it made itself unique vs att/oracle park being so secluded down in mission bay.
RPM Steak for dinner in River North. Valet’d the car and Hector treated us to a Missouri Steak? it was bomb though but I wanted Medium and he wanted medium rare... cream of spinach, mac and cheese, asparagus and for dessert topped with a Baked Alaskan. Whatever that is. (It was good) and my first time trying it.. me and mom. Our waitor was a nice lady in her 30s, gave me tori kelly vibes. Then another worker stopped by our table who looked filipino for sure (Rox’s ex Dennis look a like) but I already for got his name. He told us how he lived in West Town too and would eat at this bomb restaurant called “Uncle Mikes” maybe the ‘superstar’ of chicago :) hectors jokes were a bit much saying climbing up the coconut tree and asking if he can make halo halo in the back for dessert. No sir....
5/8 Saturday; Plan was to visit Macys downtown to check out furniture at around 930am. But they werent open til 11am. We checked out the Bean at Millenium Park and my mom got to see all the tulips and flowers. We waited in line for a while at Stans Donuts since Wildberry was just too WILD and packed, so we walked a block down and had ourselves some coffee and donuts for the day. After we headed to Macys and were greeted by a tall man name Hilary. he’s THEEE BEST. he knew we didnt have to buy anything from him at macys but he’s such a sales guy and has been in this business for so long that he kept tlaking about Quality of furniture and making yourself feel comfy and at home. Being in a small apt, or living out alone for the first time, separating each section once winter hits so you’re not bored out of your mind in the small place. He was so friendly and nice, I took his business card. Went to Ashley’s on the way to the airport and got gas. Feel in love with the small dinette table they had but the one I’m sitting on now I feel like is just perfect. Soletren couch will forever be out of stock and I will never let this go :( honestly dont know how itll fit in my door but i guess i will settle for something reasonable and decent in size
IVE BEEN SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY. . . . . . . I cant even. I got paid today so todays check will be sponsoring all of my credit card funds. Gna just pay it off in full so I dont have to deal with it. But going forward a budget will be set. and luckily some of the things I bought work can reimburse so I’ll do expenses sunday perhaps.
Saturday evening after dropping off hector, we did errands in the suburbs and went to a walmart. a bit ghetto lookin but its fine. Decided to go to costco after but had an incidentn with this white man who bumped my car and didnt apologize. I was going to say something but we’re so far out in the suburbs Idk what the hell he wouldve done to me. And if they’re racist out there. took the long way home and it was prob not through the safest neighbor hoods but my mom didnt have to know since traffic on the freeway was just ALOT. omg and the roads are just so bumpy, my poor car. Becca said she has a guy at a shop her family always goes to so hopefuully I wont need him but just nice to know the option is there.
Went to the costco up by roscoe village and bought food and more essentials like medicine i have a whole pharmacy.  again throughout all this, my mom is the MVP. I wouldve been like, Ill go get it when I need it vs mom stocking up beforehand. We ended up setting my living room with a japanese style seating using my elfa shelving as the table and a towel over it. Leftovers from RPM for dinner and ribs/salad from costco. (I keep eating, and we’re not walking alot so....... I’m def gaining wait and will need to lose this asap)
I’ll be back more to cover this past week; mothers day, ikea, seafood city, hanging with becca, azul mariscos, drunk at ross and dollar tree, pants falling (mom) unbuttoned pants cuz we’re so ‘stuffffffed’ hanging with the boys via facetime cause I do miss them :( I need to havea schedule with them.
kk toodles. time to go back to work. no more crying (maybe) then an architecture tour with my mom <3 and dinner at a steakhouse at MJ’s on Michigan Ave BYeeeee
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ariesbilly · 6 years
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this got SUPER long so its going under the cut but this is the f*lice rant i was talking about lmao enjoy! (full disclosure i also end up going on a fredsythe rant because i gotta, ok. yall gonna make me sit through this stupid ass storyline when a better one is RIGHT FUCKING THERE so yeah, im mad. fp jones also likes men get over it.)
Sorry but there's literally nothing new inventive shocking or compelling about a storyline where two grown ass straight MARRIED adults are pining over each other because they had some weird romantic connection nearly 30 fucking years ago that may or may not have resulted in a fucking teenage pregnancy that im sure NOBODY wanted like yall really out here wanting me to believe what? alice cheated on her boyfriend and got knocked up by a dude who represented everything she was trying to get away from? and she told hal the kid was fps but never told fp himself? because that makes all of ZERO FUCKING SENSE! even if they wanted to throw out “well alice and hal were broken up at the time” its still SO out of character for alice like i know she had her wild child serpent days but its not something she looks back on with fondness so why the HELL does anyone think its a good idea to set her up with the fucking LEADER of the entire GANG are you all sniffing glue?? and then theyre trying to sit here and vilify hal so that we root for alice to hook up with fp in present day? the fuck outta here im not about to sit and cheer on alice’s character regression. first of all yall need to stop getting mad at 17 year old hal for not wanting to be a father and handling this situation poorly he was a TEENAGE BOY i know yall think everyone needs to be pristine angels from birth but thats not how life works and second of all he has every right to be sketched out that his daughter brought forth her long lost brother to fill in the void polly left, especially when the first time hal sees chic hes fucking BLEEDING after being attacked for god knows what reason in hals mind like... im team hal on this one he’s the only one with some self preservation alice and betty about to get themselves killed i s2g all these dumb ass decisions are being made, which in itself is bad enough, but to make it so obvious that this is all being done to eventually prop up a ship that is the very definition of fan service, is beyond ridiculous and terrible writing. like i get it. madchen and skeet are hot and have chemistry (which...btw....literally all the parents have insane chemistry with each other but no focus on the boring obvious straight pairing i guess but oh do not worry i have more to say on that later) i get it. but what is the purpose of that if you cant write an interesting story? and dont get me started on how shoehorned this recent ~connection~ is like yes i admit in s1 i got vibes from them (which, stay on this blog for 5 minutes and you will soon realize i can romantically/sexually connect pretty much any pairing amongst the parents because, like i said, they all have insane chemistry and they all say weird shit to each other). but i cannot believe yall sat here and thought the whole sexual frustration comment after fp got out of prison or the “leave him” exchange felt authentic??? like is it me? am i the one in the twilight zone? somebody help me out here. alice and fp in s1 couldnt stand each other and now shes all joking about his sex life ?? fp almost started a huge fight during that dinner with her and hal and the kids and yet im supposed to believe he’s been pining after her all these years?? like maybe id have an easier time believing this shit if i hadnt seen how he interacts with fred (oh yes. we’re going there because im tired of this HETERO NONSENSE GOING ON ALL THE TIME IN TELEVISION WHEN THEYVE LITERALLY SET UP BETTER OPPORTUNITIES FOR SAME SEX RELATIONSHIPS IM IN A MOOD SO WE’RE GOING ALL OUT) but to close off this part of my rant (oh and i didnt even touch upon how gross itd be for betty and jughead to share a sibling lmfao but that should be self explanatory): there is literally no conceivable way for this shit to go down and not make me lose respect for alice (fp i can give a slight pass to on the front of he and his wife being separate, but even then if he goes after alice while she’s still with hal....you done fucked up). first of all, going after your daughters boyfriends/ex boyfriends father is weird. second of all, if chic is in fact hals son, then they need to work on bringing the family together. hal is not a lost cause. chic is creepy as hell if anything i can see him pulling some shit that brings betty hal and alice closer together but no that makes too much sense so the writers probably wont do that! so theyre either gonna continue to push hal out so that itll be “acceptable” for alice to run to fp, or hal has to literally just fucking die and then what? alice goes to fp in her time of grief? im gonna throw up. 
and now on to the gay shit
im supposed to compare f*lice and fredsythe scenes and come out thinking alice was the one he was in love with? bitch WHERE? fp has a sordid past with both alice and fred for different reasons. we dont know the full extent of what happened with alice (if anything but for the sake of predictability that i know to expect from a cw show, lets say they do) but given how they interact with each other we can assume it was bad. and we all know fred and fps history and how dark that got for fp (like i literally wrote up a whole thing about it if you want a link i’ll send it to you) and yet no matter the past, fp had probably his most lightest moment of the show with fred. he was willing to drop everything and help fred and soon as he asked (which, btw, fred didnt even ask for help. fp knew he was in trouble and that was it. thats all he needed and he was there for fred). THAT is love, ok. THAT is a relationship worth delving into beyond 2 friggen episodes in season 1. And yes this same storyline thats been given to f*lice with this whole adultery nonsense, but with fp and Fred, would actually be interesting because two gay kids in the early 90s actually have a valid reason for not being together and not ending up together. and then you add on that fps from the south side and fred the north, and that makes things even more complicated for them because then you can have a whole scenario of fp thinking hes not good enough for fred and ending things because of his own insecurities, his way of trying to push fred towards a better life... like THAT makes sense. even if fred and fp were never a thing and you just went with fp being in love with his best friend all these years and he could never have him (which still makes sense because i mean come on, freds casanova ways in high school with the ladies? fp sitting on the sidelines trying to be a supportive best friend but dying on the inside, never telling fred how he feels?) not to mention like half the serpents are gay as hell and there would be such a great story to tell for why all these gay south side kids end up in the same gang under fps wing, because he’s making up for his own shitty upbringing, he wants these kids to know someones looking out for them like...if the writers need plots and backstory I can give you them for free it really didn't take a lot of brainpower but no by all means tell me how the two ~straight~ kids who grew up on the same side of town under virtually the same circumstances, one of whom wanted NOTHING MORE THAN TO SHED HER SERPENT IMAGE AND CREATE A BETTER LIFE FOR HERSELF, and the other who keeps going on about wanting to put his family back together, had such a tragic backstory and its not just a blatant midlife crisis on both their ends. please. by all means. enlighten me. 😒
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feverhalo · 6 years
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Ok so. Big talky post about irl shit in all forms because why not & i feel bad leaving you all hanging so long on so much
Please dont r///ebl/////og and theres no pressure to read it or do anything in regards to this.
So. This covers like. So many topics. Grief and death and mental health being the biggest warnings for
Average news first. I still have my job and have been there officially for a year now! Pay rates are going up in my province, and thats a new solid reference should i need it any time soon. Theyre also beong really understanding and compromising(? Forgot theword i had originally) and letting me try new jobs/places to reduce stress
I found out yes, i am still allergic to peanut butter if the fact that i had really annoying stomach pain for h o u r s after eating a teeny tiny pb cookie is anything to go by. Didnt really pay attention to if i broke out on my sides or not because i was a little preoccupied with curling up tightly and feeling a little off the next day too. (I mean no duh what did i expect to happen but i mean. They smelled so good). Lesson learned.
Bad news
ive touched on but i dont think ever really said. Someone very very close to me passed in late summer and im still devistated and torn up and doing my denial/anger thing for the most part. Its. Not easy. But ive been going to see someone, admittedly its become a bit about everything when it was supposed to just be this, but i dont do death. When i was a kid and lost someone i shut down entirely and aside from angry outbursts and the occasional breakdown i tried my hardest to act like there was not and would never be a hole there. It didnt work well at all and im still affected by that person's passing too.
They were also one of the more supportive people in my life and i spent a lot of time reading and writing and creating in their company and its been hard.
And i know that im handling this a little better even though im still skipping out on things and blowing up and all the same sort of crap but i actually have a neutral space that wont feel marked or stained every day for processing and a neutral person to help.
And of course its not just grief im getting help with because its all kind of a tangled mess. But im also getting like. New insight on stuff and someone to talk to about whatever. And its making life quite a bit harder because im so used to blocking it out or locking myself away and letting things rush over and take over and run their course. Its been really hard to be creative because im incredibly self critical and having a lot more trouble focusing lately because of a lot of reasons.
Im stressed and overwhelmed a lot more easily and frequently right now. And i know im being distant even if it doesnt show. Im scared to kind of go along with this and open up and all that junk and now im being gently prodded to do so in short, honest (not just stuff i dont rly care about or stuff callously overshared to just pretend im being open) bursts its kind of freaking me out. But like. Itll all end up for something good i hope. Even though it feels awful right now and ive had stints of days or even a full week with supports on speed dial when i havent been able to calm down or shut off over thinking but thats- i mean i expect it. A lot is happening and ive known for years my coping strategies have been lacking.
Ive also been talking with this outside help and weve toyed with the idea of maybe i really do have add or at least my anxiety manifests similarly and its kind of a which came first- and this ties in to the next good part in a second- but i havent scheduled anything in my area for right now for those sorts of things but im still kind of getting new ideas from a different angle that might maybe help and if i dont then im learning things i still may be able to use. Either way its not a huge deal for the current moment and its a bit if trying to find compassion and acceptance for myself whether its thing a or b or neither but whatever
Good, great, best news!!
I have an in to starting the more physical process of transitioning. Like i have a day and a time and a start. Like really really really soon. Its going to be hard i know because im going to have to open up about things and will probably be told i have to wait until i can stablize a bit more- its been a lot happening in a short while. And i understand. I waited 2 years to hear from them, i waited a few years to reach out to them, and i unknowingly waited years to find new words that struck a chord and all that. So as long as its moving i can deal with the wait.
I have GOOD people (many i know and have known for years now who happen to work in an adjacent field, some who are new and yet to be met but have rly good references if that makes sense?) who are going to help me kind of navigate and understand and undo things i thought i learned that were honestly just veiled hate and scare tactic garbage. People who support me and dont push me past what i am comfortable with undergoing to "prove" anything (such as 'if you didnt do x right away youre lying/if you dont do y surgery first i wont believe you' kind of comments. I hope). Im looking into options and im so excited for it!!
Its going to involve a lot of talking about things and probably a lot i dont want to talk about just yet but its a great chance because it gets me officially connected and officially started and this place has more options than my town and more specialized crap that can detangle and work through all the connected things and it can all be lumped together as the same process and hopefully help financially that way- and time wise unbelieveably. Theres a very good chance ill be able to talk with someone there, and very likely that first appointment, who can help me understand why i work the way i do sometimes for whatever reason it is.
And im getting a lot of positivity and lessons like learning to give myself some slack where it matters and stuff like that. And that im not worthless or stained or going to rot other people- which is honestly uncomfortable for me to think because of how long ive thought the opposite. Like to think i may actually be pretty good like not pretend good and actually worth anything at all. Because i got stuck in bad thoughts since i was small.
Im also thinking on trying to go back to school because i have a lot i think about with nowhere to really put it and nothing to do which doesnt help me do the things i want to do. So maybe something like that would help because i like learning. I like the motions of it- writing and reading with intent to understand something new, the routine as much as i whined about it in highschool, the forced kind of proximity to people living apart from what i know entirely too so the world feels bigger in a tangible way. Thats on a back burner and waiting for sure! But the fact im thinking about it and happily thinking about it? I like that.
My life has been. Kind of a combination of bland as hell and busy if that makes sense. Ive had to sort of shut down outward productivity and cut down on things a bit because so much is going on, and im trying to do a lot as paced and as slowly as i can bear.
And even though im not Here here as much as i want to be and everything its just. Kind of time for this. And im so glad and happy that when i can be here i can see that people still like what ive done and theres always awesome content to see and yeah
Thanks for everything and checking in and i really really am looking forward to moving forward.
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nightskytypes · 6 years
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I was just as blind as everyone else
But then again “blind” really isnt as much of an accurate description as “skillfully decieved” would be. I heard the same things everyone else did “Rachael cheated on me. Rachael did this. I loved her and she did this to me” But one thing remains the same.
Not one person is told how you cheated on her just as much as she cheated on you. You never, not once, focus on the mistakes YOU make that lead up to the destruction of the relationship. No one knew about phynix, a fake girl you would run back to every time things went south with rachael and you. Not one person knew how you made the very bed you lay in now.
And thats the thing with you. You always will do everything possible to avoid taking responsibility for the way things end up. Its always poor you, look at what they did to you, how could they do this when you loved them so much? Why couldnt they just listen. You always do so much.
But youre just a repeat offender… yourw just a cowardly little kid who refuses to face up to the consequences of his actions.
You have not grown an inch since the day you cheated on her. You have no learned one bit. And that is accuratly displayed in what you did to me.
You lie through your teeth and purposefully avoid revealing the horribly manipulative and harmful actions you are well aware will cause damage to your significant other because it will gain you no sympathy. It will get you no pats on the back. Itll make being told you love with all your heart nothing but an empty lie. Because it’ll revile your half assed selfish nature, that you do not do all you can and have not changed in the slightest since your first relationship.
You cheated on me. You emotionally cheated. Which may be short from what you did to her, but it is an inexcuesable action nontheless. One that is in no way hard to make the choice to, idk, NOT do. And when i developed a voice on it. When i no longer allowed you to walk all over me and take your sweet time to no longer do the things you KNEW hurt me? You made me out to be an irrational bitch. You painted me out to be the one who victimizes themselves and never loved you as much as you loved me (vomit.) how *I* somehow strung YOU along. played with YOUR emotions. lied to YOU about my feelings. you made up scenarios and backed it with Google level psychology like my looking away from you trying to force my face directly in front of yours was some outrageous indication I was lying when I said I love you, and totally not because you know I cannot look someone straight in the eyes when I'm in fucking pain. for someone who refuses and makes up any excuse he can to not see a therapist you sure love to act like one to everyone else.
And its a real joke..cause i did nothing to break your heart. I didn't flirt with other people. I didn't hide dating sites behind your back or purposefully keep images of us off of sites for me to get more attention from people. I treated you well. I checked up on you round the clock, like you wanted, constantly seeing if you were okay despite knowing youd just brush it off and lie to me expecting me to continue to chase you. And I have eye witnesses. I constantly allowed you to fuck me over so you could take your time because “you need repitition to learn” and youre “trying as hard as you can”. Jeez, 2 years into the relationship and i was set on leaving my entirw life, my entire COUNTRY for you. I was willingly putting my life on hold ao your impatient ass could have me there asap. And yet I never did anything for you. I never cared enough. if I loved you I'd do anything, right?
And what do i get for it? My name dragged through the mud. Treated like nothing short of a pile of trash to be tossed out cause i no longer served a good enough purpose to you. You trying to cover up my existance with the next set of nice tits to hit your phone screen.
You play with my heart for a straight year. You fuck me over not once, not twice, but FOUR times all because you can never own up to your actions. You scream and yell and intimidate me into silence, make me fear being hit by you but never seeking help. And then take all the credit for the relationship like you were the one trying to talk things out and make it work. Its hard to talk when youve got an over compensating male shreeking at the top of his lungs like am ugly banshee how much he doent want to hear he is breaking your heart.
But alas. In a month, I will have my GED. I will then be moving on to achieving my dream goal and i will be entering into fighting classes because I will NEVER again allow a man to tell me he loves me and then run up inches away from my face as if they were gearing up to fucking fight me to scare me into silence.
The next man that believs they are big enough to lay a finger on me will recieve the business end of the floor shattering their teeth.
I would of done anything for you. I would of been there through anything had you of just had some fucking loyalty and maybe actually went to get the professional help you have needer since you were a teenager. You meant everything to me, but i was nothing more than a shiny trophy to wear on your arm till you could find the next bigger breasted one.
I will pity the next girl stupid wnough to not see that where there is smoke, there is fire.
Youre a liar. Youre a cheat. Youre a repeat offender. You are selfish and abusive. And you are nothing but a coward.
Karma is a real cunt, my good bitch. And you will find nothing but regret casting out the people who actually wanted you to become the decent human being you could be and not the pathetic troglodyte in human cloathing you are now.
Youre 24. Not 16 anymore. Its time to stop blaming the girls you fuck over for your life being the way it is and look in the mirror. You hide things because you KNOW its wrong.
Cheating is not a mistake. Its not an accident. It is intent. It is never not known how it will turn out. It is not a suprise or secret when it ruins your fucking relationship.
And although I may be the one ranting to tumblr months after, i at least can look my demons in the eyes and grow.
I at least have walked away from this dumpster fire of a relationship with a voice and sense of self worth
While you once again cover your ears and shut your eyes running into your moms arms to have her tell you they arent real. You cant even talk about me without feeling like you need to “carve out your chest” Getting rid of amazing friends all cause they took the time to really find out what was going on. (Your loss man. Theyre great.)
Guilts a hell of a feeling, isnt it my stupid, stupid love? 😙
Its what you get for always thinking with your dick and never your fucking head.
Go flood a desert with your fake ass crocodile tears. It’ll take a worlds worth of work to redeem yourself from the vile web you’ve spun. but you’re just too much of a chicken shit to put the work in for it and actually face the mess you’ve made, So you threw me and anyone else with balls to call you out on your bullshit under the bus. In fight of flight, it’s easier to run away than it is to get the fuck over yourself and actually grow. you can try and make me out to be the one crying victim. make *me* out to be the stubborn one. make me the toxic problem and reason your life was soo stressful but hunny, I ain’t a mirror. and the only one who fits those categories and has for years? Is you and your mistakes you CHOSE to repeat over. and over. knowing it would get you no where but on your ass crying to mommy about how hard it is.
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floramodus-archive · 7 years
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==> Flora: Confess
floramodus raddddia i know im like
floramodus half hammered and the past 24 hours hasnt helped me much as a mentally stable individual but you know what? fuck it man i love you and not in a friend way though you are! one of my closest friends i just i love you alot romantically youre a hellfire in the arctic and i love you
tlmetravel im sure you think you do, sweets its the alcohol im not angry at you for relapsing, as a side reminder for later need help sobering up?
floramodus i need help for you to take me serious for once.
tlmetravel i am
tlmetravel im very serious about you needing to sober up
floramodus im already half sober because dean hasnt let me have anymore since he got home the point is: im not saying anything because im drunk. im not clinging to you because im drunk. i just had to watch my fiancee die, again, in full detail. im not saying these things out of of my ass, aradia, i love you.
tlmetravel you had to see that? on valentines day?
floramodus i made a choice to find the answer and i did, timing aside.
tlmetravel im proud of you for it im also sorry you had to see it oh, my poor girl, how you must feel happiness absent so strongly
floramodus ///I HATE HER MOIRA
tlmetravel //:)c
floramodus your avoiding the main topic and at this point i want dean to leave so i can go get moonshine because whats the point aradia. whats the point in dancing around it instead of telling me cold turkey? what do you gain from seeing me falter
tlmetravel im not trying to dance around it so much as give you the opportunity to take it back once youre more clear headed
floramodus thats almost painfully hilarous?
tlmetravel why is that?
floramodus because once again you arent taking me serious and i knew it would be this way for months. i knew sober or drunk youd find a way to make me regret speaking
tlmetravel im sorry if i have im just not sure what you want me to say
floramodus is it worth pursueing or am i barking up the wrong tree?
tlmetravel you have such a penchant for making yourself unhappy youve already dealt with enough serious, life altering topics think you might want to give it a rest before tackling this one give yourself a break
floramodus love in general? or love with you?
tlmetravel love in general is life altering
floramodus guess what! cock a doodle do my life is altered always! thats how we exist! thats how we keep sane! if you want to say no thanks than do it aradia ive been through worse.
tlmetravel you have thats why im not letting you have this discussion right now or make it into something trivial this is a battle for another day go to bed, flo
floramodus im not sleeping till you give me an answer i can sleep with
tlmetravel you are so endlessly cruel to yourself
floramodus i can sit on this couch all night and all day and die again and gain radia.
tlmetravel you do realize youre just proving my point
floramodus i dont care ///i typed that so loud every dog in my moms house just went off
tlmetravel regardless, im not what youve mistaken me for, flo im just happy and i think you just want to be happy too you have the right to be, at any rate //fck
floramodus just say it ///FUCK THEI R SCREAMING AND I PRESSED ENTER BUT ANYWAY
tlmetravel are you really so deluded as to think that just because /you/ dont care, the rest of us get a free pass as well? that well turn a blind eye to your safety breaches just because you throw a tantrum? you have /got/ to stop doing this to yourself you have /got/ to stop treating your life and everything in it with this kind of dangerous levity so no! you arent getting an answer! youre not getting anything until you tuck yourself in and let yourself /rest/ before taking on any more
floramodus ///I THOUGHT THat said fuck
tlmetravel //let dolly say fyck
floramodus well i guess this couch will be cozy while i sit here awake for as long as it takes
tlmetravel you will Not use your well-being as emotional blackmail not against me dave might let you and the rest of your friends might but you dont get to press on my moral values because /i have none/ and you will sit, and you will rot, and it will be for nothing at all
floramodus ///tfw aradia even makes me, the mun, feel like a piece of shit i love her
tlmetravel until you realize its pointless and let yourself out of this cage youve built out of whatever survivors guilt you brought back with you
tlmetravel //shes amoral and ppl forget and I love
floramodus you may have no moral values but ill tell you what i have thats less than that? the fucks i give about my place in the universe. i spent 7 years of my life questioning my existence to lose that existence and you know? i dont fucking care anymore. my life is mine to burn ///i like how u posted that and i sent the same screenshot 2 seconds earlier to joseph cause im living
tlmetravel //do u know how. pissed shed be at dave if she knew he let her go through w those amputation experiments?  not v much bc shes incapable of being angry at him but shed Want to be and I,
floramodus ///asdfghjk
tlmetravel you dont get to play with fire just because you dont know what to do with yourself. you dont get to use your own life as a punching bag for your whims you dont get to keep expecting for these bridges to go up in flames when so many of us love you you dont get to look at love and call us stupid
floramodus i never even said any of you were stupid
tlmetravel then why do you keep treating us like we are
tlmetravel like well let this slide if youre loud enough
floramodus im not treating you guys anymore than the best i can ! its not my fault you take my life so personal! what do expect of me? to sit in a goddamn corner and suckle vitamins for the rest of my immortal days?
tlmetravel youre our /friend/! itll always be personal for us
tlmetravel wed destroy anyone who hurt you but, to our great despair, the only one keen on hurting you is /you/
floramodus im not hurting myself im doing what nature and common sense dictate
tlmetravel oh thats rich no, you are purposely doing what hurts you the most out of whatever misguided sense of survivors guilt but guess what none of it will make you feel better and it sure as Hell doesnt make us feel good
floramodus guess fucking what! the clouds told me bec lives! im doing something right with my life! even if i have to cleave my goddamn skull in!!! two!!!
tlmetravel youre making accomplices out of innocent people by not letting them help
floramodus you arent scientists. you arent magicians.
tlmetravel you are actively tying their hands behind their back because they love you too much to tell you any of this i dont care, flora and i dont pretend to and i wont pretend to just the same as you so blatantly dont care about /my/ good friend, i dont care about yours i dont give a flying fuck if your dog lives
tlmetravel non gratum anus rodentum it only matters to us because it matters to you
floramodus ///the acid fucking crashed my laptop
tlmetravel and your high-brow, dr frankenstein, 'oh im a scientist you wouldnt understand' act is not pulling the wool over anyones eyes youre self destructive bec just gives you an excuse to con us out of doing anything about it //God ™
floramodus //im not responding until tumblr boots back up cause she is nuclear moira
tlmetravel //good im not saying you dont honestly care for bec im saying he also doubles as a handy excuse
floramodus so what do you expect me to fucking do. how do you expect me to react to you saying the last goal i have in life is just that, a worthless goal. do you expect me to be gratify? do you expect to graciously bow to your ancient wisdom and sit in a bumbo and learn how to be "healthy" again for the sake of comfort.
tlmetravel yes
floramodus your goddamn right im self destructive i wont hesitant to tear my self apart for any goal worth it what are you gonna do about it? be content your fucking right? humanity believe a nuclear bomb would kill us all but that didnt stop them and it wont stop me
tlmetravel or you could just treat yourself as a tool, a means to an end, because god forbid you see yourself as a person, because you /know/ deep down that how you treat yourself? isnt how you should treat a person humanity really isnt the pinnacle of reason nor does humanity interest me, were talking about /you/
floramodus im human in theory but guess what? im not a person. im a god, a means of survival
tlmetravel does that flawed rhetoric make you sleep at night at least? because i really wish it would
tlmetravel because its good for absolutely /nothing/ else
floramodus i wasnt put on this earth to be comfortable ive been living in gunpowder since i was 6
tlmetravel you really dont want to start a sob story competition with me trust me you know why id be afraid, if you did love me?
floramodus despite my urge to tell you to shove it back in the textbook you crawled out  of ill play your game. why
tlmetravel because youd put me above yourself and im historically against pedestals its a frightening thing to love someone who would damn herself in a second without looking over her shoulder death doesn't just happen to you, icarus, it happens to everyone around you your wounds are not just your own though they sting you most
floramodus icarus had one life. i have infinity
tlmetravel i dont care each one of your lives is as precious to us as if it were your last just because you /can/ doesnt mean you /should/ by all means, go on with this madness, tear yourself limb for limb if your heart is really in it just dont expect me to be quiet about it in fact, place no expectations on me at all hellfire, you called me hellfire, indeed
floramodus let he who has the match wick the bridge in flames
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vvvvvvscrt · 6 years
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READ ABOUT IT
"The world try to emasculate the greats." Im truly a great person, truly proud of myself and where I stand in life currently. As a kid I nvr knew that the lineage u were from would be so important. In the medical field now headed to greater heights. I have to big up my family taking this moment and memo to start off thanking God. The things I experienced and things that I were taught are things that everyone didnt get a chance to have. Honestly the shit feels horrible when I think of some of the guys that I know who nvr had family and were forced into doing things that they wouldnt have had to. Things that costed these guys their lives literally. It humbles me. It makes me thankful. I was taught core values in my adolescence that cant be paid for. Bigs up firstly to my father, mother, brother, and sister. Special big ups to my older brother, Winston LaBranch, for being such a great person. Becoming who he is led me and baby sis into the light, yes. Med field babies. Pls keep reading it get better, I swear. Life is pretty amazing and weird. Everyday I wake up feeling closer and closer to making my goals my reality. My goals have been my reality for a while. Its very surreal to actually witness a goal be fired up with potential a little work then poof there it is. Lately Ive been exploring the concious and subconcious mind starting to understand the powers of both while staying in sync with the cosmic energy of the universe creating what some refer to as a God-Man. There is such a thing. Research nvr hurts. I've been reading about American history. Understanding where America comes from gives me a great understanding of the way America works today in 2017. Kanye came out and said that he wouldve voted for Donald Trump and coincidentally I was invited to New Orleans private airport to hear him speak. Not claming either party and I also didnt get a chance to vote bc of jurisdiction or whatever on voting day but yea. I attended with my good friend Hamza "Burger" Sadiki who hasnt worked in five yrs that drives a Lamborghini here in New Orleans part time lol. Didnt know he was there but we met up politically and economically. We've been friends since about 11th grade so yea thats my dude. We were there. Burger is kewl as fck. Cant wait to drive the Lamb like we used to do the Mustang back in our younger Metairie working days. Itll be a first time in a Lambo that isnt rented. Just one of the people I know that are great ya know. There's plenty more but later for that topic. I would love to empower. I nvr hear much about native americans who were exploited as Indians with no origins of being from India. One hundred million people were killed. The American population is only about three hundred million people. Brown skin is indigenous. In my opinion America was nvr based off of racism. Rascism is a distraction and is also ignorant. As Americans we are naturally classist. Its been the way of the world. What most rascist dont understand or even know is that in America if u werent rich enough to be taught how to read u were unable to vote which means that its soley based off of class and wealth status. If u were poor in America before about 1920 u had no voice. That had nothing to do with race. I wont ever be distracted by race as if I ever was. I have friends from every ethnicity. Ive dated many different women so in no way am I rascist. I understand it all bc of that reason alone. "DONT GO ERIC BENNETT." Ive been asking others what does the statement or saying about Eric Bennett means. I found out and if u know what it means and u are reading then u get it. I dont wanna explain it thoroughly. I appreciate the saying bc I plan to not ever go Eric Bennet. Ive been tested recently by an Italian Gemini named Fabiana Asencio driving a white Range Rover self introduced as Fabi. Lord knows she's bad as ever and lord knows Im also a sucker for a interacial relationship. Pls dont judge. I've been this way for a while. Fabi is one of my patients and has the same birthday as my gf. Her shaking my hand introducing herself as Fabi not Fabiana or Ms Asencio at age thirty then me already knowing that Italian woman love black guys and shes also a Gemini just lets me know a few things or just understand that there's possibility ya know. Honestly Im not hype bc I dont think I would be able to date another Gemini. Saying that to say that I dont plan on going Eric Bennett. Im not leaving my baby, my world, my everything not even for Fabiana "Fabi" Asencio with the tight body long pretty black hair and all that. This one woman shit is very challenging. "Illuminati, secret society, we in this party and nobody invited me." Working on myself man, working with life. Its beautiful. I work hard but its never only for money or to say that what I've accomplished makes me better than anyone else in the world. Im the least judgemental person I know and Im starting to think that this is why God is blessing me. Im willing to listen to what people have to say no matter what they may seem to be from what they are wearing or where they live or what they drive. Everyone in the world is knowledgable about something. Never pass up on a conversation because communication is key. It could be someone u never talked to in life thatll give u game about something youve been trying to put together for yrs. They may come dressed as a bum or percieved to be rich by american standards and etiquette. You nvr know. Getting back on topic (I literally need a podcast Im 5x better than Joe Budden) my grind is soley about progression, creating, family, and mental health. A thousand times Ive heard that Im crazy for believing the things that I believe but Ive shown those that have doubted me a thousand times that what I think and what is actually my reality matches. That feels better than money. Im going up. The money is a bonus. Trusting the process. "Keeping up with the Joneses" Ive been hearing the term my entire life but nvr rly thought anything of it but lately Ive been doing my googles as I like to say. Im a real Jones and its pretty kewl. The history of my last name was pretty interesting because of the statement and also bc I visited the meusuem of Lousiana history or some shit like that and I asked them there if my last name was associated with slavery and they told me yea in front of a bunch of people. It didnt bother me that much at the time bc I thought it was true. Yea surnames did come from a bunch of Europeans but the guys that came into this country with the last name Jones or some other surnames that are relative and associated to the last name (i.e Smith, Will Smith) were anti slavery and they also came into America at the time when slavery was ending so Im not planning to go muslim and change my last name. Im proud to be who I am, seriously. Knoweldge is worth more than anything else to me. Knowing ur origins as a black man in America is very important bc as I said theyll tell u that u are directly associated with slavery bc u are black but chances are u probably arent. The Joneses also settled firstly in places like Chicago, New York, Virginia and some other places but those places stuck with me the most bc Ive spent multiple summers in Indiana, Chicago drives at like age 9, with my granpa. Ive also lived in Virginia and travleded to about every great place on the east coast besides Vermont and those kinda places which is amazing. Im a real Jones. Im thinking bc of the Welsch civilization arriving in America being anti slavery and Im also smart as fck, so is my grandfather, and my dad. So Im thinking that black Joneses were those black indivudulas in America with a little bit knowledge and also "free men of color". At least five generations ahead of me were ya know but yea man Lawrence Jones here signing off. Hope this was a great memo for anyone reading. Enjoy life. Do it for urself. Remove all advesaries and others who constantly create adversaries for themselves and those around them. Become wealthy. Stand on what u believe in and prosper people. - BigBossLilLo
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Hi I have been in a relationship with a guy for a little over a year and everything was great until I caught him sending indecent pictures and messages to another guy, he also sent pictures of me, this was almost three months ago and I told him to give me some time to trust him again and now hes demanding it, he said he doesnt want to live with me anymore and he isnt in love with me anymore, unless I trust him again, I told him I would try but I cant just force myself into it, Im trying but
Its hard because he doesnt seem to understand that im trying my hardest and he cant just demand trust and respect he has to earn it, i love him and he is flawed i know but so am i and I get that it hasnt be super easy to be with me since ive been sad and mopey but i want to feel like he still cares and I told him that today and he got mad and said that he is trying and to give him time, so i apologized and said ok but then he ran off to a friends house while i was still crying, he hasnt been 
 -back and I feel so scared and sad because I cant trust someone who acts like this, I want to so bad but he just makes me feel worthless, I wish it went back to the way it was before and im trying so hard to do that but sometimes i just feel so sad knowing he doesnt love me the same way he used to, i dont know what to say or do to make it right anymore, he keeps saying itll all be ok if i act like myself but im sad sometimes and when i am he just gets mad.. Sorry for the 3 part ask, best regards
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Hi, hun. It is hard to live with feelings of distrust with someone we care so much for. If it is time for you now to make the change to trust again, I have a few questions. Did he do any changing first? Has he shown you he realizes the hurt he caused? Has he tried to earn your trust back? You may need to explain that there is now another issue on the table. How he handles you and your sadness. You need validation and compassion. It is certainly deserved. He may not be giving it to you, running off, and getting mad, out of guilt. He wants to forget it ever happened too, but he can’t when he sees the pain it is still causing you. 
There does come a time when you have to move passed the wrong-doing and free yourself of the hurt. Many couples have obstacles of poor choices and trust and they overcome them, moving on to long successful relationships. Watch out for the language in your head. “Once a cheater, always a cheater….” is simply not true. Everyone is different and you have to assess your own feelings now. Is it you holding back the relationship from growing or is it his? Has he proven to you he is sorry and will be faithful? 
Here’s an article I liked on the subject. Some things don’t pertain to your situation but it is worth a read to help you sort this through.
http://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/10-steps-to-healing-a-relationship-after-an-affair/2/ 
I think you both desire getting on the same road again. You may need to have one more talk. No emotion. Very logical. Work together on how to trust again, how to get and give validation and compassion, but also, how you both can let go. You’ve been trying to heal but it may take more than time. You may have to actively treat yourself as if you have depression. Which means seeking out a support system, practice smiling more everyday (fake it until it is real), become more active with walking, relaxation techniques, bubble baths, whatever it takes to feel like you again! 
Peace and strength.
Tracey
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koalabeeee-blog · 5 years
Text
im sorry to all the people i hurt. im sorry i lied. as much as my body may beg for the sympathy of others, im sorry. it all started with a bad place- a year where i was depressed, i was broken, i was staying up all night, and i just didnt give a shit. i made one lie. one i didnt think would matter. each lie at that time didnt matter- so i didnt think this one would. it turns out it would all make my life crumble down. it made my life amazing for a couple of years, i met so many new friends and life was okay. i felt okay. i felt loved- something i had wanted for so, so long. anyone would do anything for that kind of feeling- they would lie, they would cheat, they would hide the truth from so many people. lies are truly such a guilty pleasure. you get lost in them. you forget who you are. you think doing some of the most absurd things is okay. if you were to tell anyone about what you did, theyd freak out. how could you lie about something like that? but to you, its just a regular thing. pretending to be something your not. thats what it was to me. and no one knew. i never said a word. and why would i? i was terrified of anyone finding out. my parents would have my ass, my friends would despise me and my signifigant other would be heartbroken. i had to live in that constant fear of being found out. it was horrifying. i never wanted everything to come crumbling down on top of me. but not just me, itd also hurt my friends. i didnt want to have that on me- knowing that i hurt so many people. i didnt want that on them. so i kept lying. i had to. would they have wanted me to come out about it? surely they wouldnt. so i lived with it. not just out of bliss- not just to hurt people- i lived with it because at the time i had to. overtime, though, everything started to slow down. the bliss. the friends. the relationship. it crumbled- but in the way i wanted it to. i wanted to get away. when everyone started to seperate, when i believed my girlfriend (at the time) didnt love me, i was so happy. not because i didnt love them. because i thought i could slip away. i thought i could just disappear. a quick and painless death where no one got hurt. it was perfect. so i tried to slip away. i tried. but it didnt work. i had told one of my friends that i was going to try to leave, i believe at the time i said because i wanted to move on with my life (which was my plan all along- to move on once everything started to burn out). and i told them the lie. and to my relief, they laughed it off. they were surprised, but they didnt want to kill me for it. did i deserve such a reaction? morally, i dont think so. but to me, i needed it. i needed someone to take my hand calmly and not smack it away. i needed that because i was terrified of the reaction i expected. so i took their hand. and i got slashed in the wrist for it. they thought it was the right thing to do to tell the people i was trying to leave that i was leaving. its like telling someone youre being abused, and not to tell said abuser because itll get worse if they know. was i being abused? no, i wasnt. but still- i was trying to take the better way out. slipping away. but they didnt see it that way. maybe because they werent in my shoes. but they told my ex specifically. it was the one thing i never wanted. they consulted me about it. this part was blurry for me, but all i know is i wanted to slip away from them because i didnt want to hurt them. i dont think theyll ever understand how much i didnt want to hurt them. as time went on, i continued to talk to my ex, and i was seperated from the friend that betrayed me. i dont know what i was thinking, but i tried to get the old friend group i had back together. while this happened, i had another friend i was getting closer again with. i dont know what came over me, but i didnt treat them right. im not afraid to admit that. they pissed me off, and i lashed out at them. it was a messy friendship, so i tried to cut it off. i managed to, but it came back to bite me in the ass. i dont know exactly what happened, but they too found out about my lie. and they told my friends. it all crumbled down. it all crumbled down early in the morning, when i was just waking up. i woke up to messages from my ‘friends’ calling me a manipulative bitch and then blocking me. i couldnt apologize. i couldnt explain everything. all i could do was sit and let everything sink in. it felt like being tied up and being whipped. it felt like i was being killed over and over again- only to be brought back to experience the same pain over and over again. it was selfish of me, but i  wanted to kill myself. the pain was genuinely too much. the only person that didnt block me was my ex. they gave me a chance to keep talking, but to this day it doesnt feel like that chance. it feels like a chance to be reminded of my past mistakes and past loves. past memories where life felt like everything was going to be okay. theyre currently blocking me at my request, and i dont know if i want to be unblocked. its not good for my health to feel pain over and over. im currently severely depressed- school is toppling over me, im losing so many friends by the second, and i despise myself. im sure this is what those past friends want, so at least they can be happy. thats all i wanted from the start. i dont know what to make out of this post, but if anyone reads this, please use it as some sort of psa. please, no matter what you do, please dont ever lie. i know its hard. i know you can get so much out of it. but please. for your sake and others, its so dangerous and could truly hurt your life. its never worth it. 
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I like singing, how will T affect my voice?
We can’t tell you what will happen to your voice- people tend to be able to sing well (once their voice is done changing!) if they could sing well before, but there are instances of people losing their singing voices.
We’ve anecdotally heard of some people on T being able to keep their high notes, but it’s much more likely that you lose your high notes as your vocal cords thicken. 
T will most likely deepen your voice so your range will change, but as long as you continue to practice and don’t overwork your voice into notes you cannot reach anymore your singing voice probably will be okay- different, but okay.
But we can’t guarantee this, and it’s your decision whether testosterone and passing/being comfortable in your body are worth the risks of losing your singing voice for you.
This post has a bit more on singing
The Changing Female-To-Male (FTM) Voice
The Changing Female-To-Male (FTM) Voice Pedagogical Notes 
Testosterone And The Trans Male Singing Voice
Training the Transgender Singer: Finding the Voice Inside
Followers, any examples of trans singers on T for us to add? Or any personal experiences to add on?
Followers say:
aeolianchemistry said: have a lot to say about this! i may not be the most coherent bc im half asleep lol, but anyone feel free to message me about this anytime and ask for more details!,
this was my biggest Thing when i was deciding to pursue hrt. ive been in various choirs for years, and its a very Important part of my life. but also my voice was my #1 source of dysphoria, and the #1 thing i needed to change. i searched for weeks to find anything about what to expect from hrt as a singer, esp bc ive heard stories of trans ppl losing their siging voice entirely. i was terrified, and couldnt find resources to shed any significant light on the topic.
and so, in no particular order bc im half asleep, here are some things to expect and things that i’ve experienced so far (almost six months on hrt):
- practice while your voice is dropping! feel it out every step of the way. get to know your voice while it’s changing, and try to maintain those high notes. i didnt do a v good job of this and my high range kinda just shriveled up. i cant be sure that it wouldve been hugely different if id practiced more, but ive heard it does help
- yoir voice will feel different. unfamiliar at times. you wont be using it the same way youre used to. technique will change, placement will change
- my speaking voice shifted downward after just a month or two (i had mild hyperandrogynism before, so this wont be as quick for everyone), before my singing voice did. i didn’t start getting new low range until later, but within my pre-t vocal range, my voice just sat a bit lower than it used to. my low alto filled out more. than i started getting new notes, slowly
- there will be periods of time where it cracks or breaks or is unreliable. dont push it, but dont despair either. keep practicing as well as you can
- my voice is somewhat fragile. if i yell (which i can only somewhat do currently) or push it or force it thru cracks/breaks/weak spots, it will get tired easily and take quite a while to recover. be nice to your voice. dont push high notes if they cause strain. dont push the low notes either, even tho im sure youre excited about them
- your voice will be weak while it’s shifting. this can cause frustration and anxiety. i’m two months into my choir season singing w two and a half choirs, and i’m dealing w lots of Complicated Feelings bc my voice just cant do all the things i want it to. i cant project much, and i certainly dont have the strength (yet) to audition for any of the solos i’d like to. Patience
- the Weird Spots and the Weak Spots will continue to shift around. i have this one area in the middle of my range (currently its about Ab3-B3, but a few weeks ago it was B3-C4) where its weird and weak and its kind of like a break in register but also a bit like a black hole, bc i Cannot Project there and theres no good placement for singing those notes, and notes in the vicinity of those are also Weird but Less So. it’s slowly sliding downwards, and i am learning to navigate it better. i’m hoping it will settle and go away soon, but we’ll see
- breath support is v important. as mentioned, your voice may be quite fragile, and putting strain on it could cause it to glitch out on you for a while. supporting your voice w lots of breath will put less demand on your vocal chords
- NEVER SING IN A BINDER or compressive garment. you need those lungs!
- you’re going to miss out on some of the nostalgic singalongs of old choir songs, bc you no longer have the range to sing your old parts. this is possibly the #1 consequence of transitioning that im the most sad about lol
- i have a very weird quality to my high range rn. it seems to be caught midway between the head voice it used to be and future falsetto or whatever it’s moving toward. for now its just Strange to listen to
the current state of my voice is this:
low range is down to almost the bottom of the bass clef. i can sing down to Bb2, A2 on a good day.
from there up to F3ish is quite comfy and possibly the strongest part of my singing voice, but i do find that if i spend too much time down there it can strain the rest of my range (i used to have this problem before too: if i sang in my low alto range too much or too enthusiastically, my sop range would get tired).
from G3-C4, it’s Awkward. the Awkwardness shifts around, and some parts of it can be more comfy than others sometimes, but it’s all v inconsistent. i cant project much here, and placement is veryvery Weird.
D4-F4ish is typically comfy but has a bit of that Strange quality to it. these notes are a bit floaty, but not bad.
G4-B4 are unreliable. somedays i can get up there. some days it’ll blink out or crack or break or just Not Be There. i am predicting that once my high range settles into a proper falsetto, i’ll be able to work on this range more and it’ll have less of that Strange quality to it, but only time will tell
again, apologies for being Scattered, it’s 1am and ive had a long day. any of yall are welcome to message me for more details ☺
there is a lot of weirdness and weakness and Awkward in the transition period. but while i’m frustrated at times, i’m not worried. everything i’m dealing w is temporary. now i can’t be 100% sure how my voice will settle or when, but i’m not afraid i’ve lost it forever. as far as i’ve heard, the stories of trans ppl who lose their singing voice on t are very rare cases. youre going to go through weeks or months where singing is Weird in constantly shifting ways, but itll keep on moving and developing, and personally i’m so excited to see where it goes.
i’m currently singing tenor2 in my choirs, and occasionally i get to take a trip down and sing baritone. im not even 6months in! that has transformed my choir experience to be even better than before, even w all the awkwardness. it was so weird and beginning to get verg uncomfy to be in a place like choir, which is so important to me, which i love dearly, which has had a significant impact on my life, but which revolved around the use of my one most dysphoric feature. but now i don’t have to worry about that. now i can sing the parts i’ve been wanting to sing for years.
i do occasionally miss some of my old voice. i miss soaring soprano lines, i miss all the old alto parts in songs i used to know. i miss the confidence and strength of a familiar, complete voice. and im allowed to miss those, i dont feel bad about having that longing or sadness, bc i have zero regrets. i also occasionally miss playing with and styling my super long hair, but in five years i have not once regretted cutting it all off. i own those memories and that nostalgia, but i keep moving forward to new and better things
pinesboi said: If you keep working at your voice and take lessons to make sure you never let it get out of practice, everything should be okay. I’m on T now about 3-4 months, and I’m still singing high tenor musical theatre
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