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#it physically made me ill holy shit

s4pphic-sh3nan1gans · 3 months

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SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT KRIS ACTUALLY MODELLED FOR DAMON?!?!?!?!

PASSPORT PICTURES MY ASS!!! I AM LOSING MY SHIT AJDHSKDHSK WE ARE LITERALLY LIVING IN A FANFIC 😭

#when I tell you I physically sat bolt upright in bed the minute I saw those pictures #I literally just woke up and I'm ill so I feel like shit but that made me forget it in an instant holy fuck #ajdhskdhsk my brain is scrambled #I will fucking lose it if he photographs all of them #joker out #kris guštin

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queers-gambit · 4 months

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Opening Night and Open Hearts

prompt: opening night - a mother's fear, a locked walk-in freezer, confessions through a thick metal door, questioning what's deserved, and a proposal at The Bear after hours.

pairing: Carmen 'Carmy' Berzatto x female!reader

fandom masterlist: FX's The Bear

word count: 9.8k+

note: i think i give enough background for you guys to feel as if you don't need to read any other relating works, but i linked the fics that could be read as a small series (maybe?) also let author be lonely in peace

warnings: reader nicknamed Peach, established relationship, cursing, spoilers, fluff, angst, relationship angst, hurt and comfort, Carmy still (desperately) needs a nap, depiction of physical illness, boys are dumb and emotions are hard, reader-insert, depiction of toxic family, OC Carmy that grovels a lot, not edited!

⚠️ season two, episode ten spoilers

not necessary to read, but other relating works with Peach:

Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant

God's Plan part two: Two to Tango

Neon Sticky Notes

"Hi, yes, I can hear you - sorry about that, I was just making note of your reservation," you spoke smoothly into the phone, trying not to ogle your boyfriend wrapped in only a clean blue towel. "So, that's a party of four for Monsieur Claude Badeaux - all right, that's so lovely. I'm obligated to remind everyone that tonight's opening is a fine dining experience and the proper, corresponding dress code is being asked for. Are there any allergies I should make note of for your party?"

"Jean Paul has a tree nut allergy," you were told.

"All right, that's noted and highlighted: Jean Paul has a tree nut allergy. If there's anything else I could help you with?"

"Non," he chuckled. "I was surprised to see your invitation to this evening, though, mon cher. It's been so long, yes?"

"Well, it was my pleasure to extend the offer, we're ecstatic by your reservation," you chuckled. "We'll see you tonight, Monsieur, and should you need anything before then, you may call this number again."

You said your parting words in French, smiling at Carmy when you hung up and dropped your work phone. "Did I hear that correct?" Your lover asked with a broad grin, "Was that...?"

"Senior marketing advisor at The Washington Post?" You filled in for him. "Uh, yeah, I think it was, but you know me - I could be wrong."

"You invited someone from The Washington Post to the opening tonight?"

"Is that okay?" You asked, standing from the bed after making note in your datebook. "You look kinda - I don't know, shocked?"

"I-I am," he blinked at you, watching you gather his pristine clothing to hang on the closet door. "But in a good way - I can't believe you did this," he chuckled, wiping his mouth. "I mean - holy shit, Peaches."

You offered a toothy grin, "Figured I could pull a few of my own strings to help get the word out about your love-child."

This made Carmy snicker, "Hey, now. Tonight's important, don't make fun."

"I know," you nodded, leading him back into the bathroom to view your hair products. "Which is why I invited some important people and some not-so important people. I know this is serious, Carmy," you smiled at him, hoping to convey your support, "and I wanted to help in whatever way I could."

"You being there tonight is more than I could ask for," he chuckled, helping you onto the small bathroom counter. You squirted a bit of hair product in your hand, watching him flinch back a little, "Uh, I just don't want my hair greasy, Peach, you know? Not a good look and I'll sweat it out in the kitchen."

"I feel like I should be offended by you having no trust in me," you teased, insisting, "I know whatcha need, baby, lemme help."

Carmy smiled softly and held still, letting you run your hands through his curls to push everything back and away from his forehead in a stylish but manageable "do". There was a silent, serene moment as you and Carmy just existed together in a mundane space, his big, sad eyes watching your face as you worked. He wondered, "Think tonight's gonna be okay?"

"I think tonight's gonna be more than okay," you assured softly. "I think tonight's gonna go better than you're anticipating."

He sighed and planted his hands on either side of you, suddenly dropping his gaze. "I, uh... Sugar invited Mom t'tonight..."

"Yeah, I know."

"You know?"

"Sugar and I are still friends outside of us dating, Carmy," you smiled patiently, slowing your hands so you more toyed with his curls; pushing some strands behind his ears. "She needs someone as much as you do and I don't mind."

"But isn't that what Pete's for?"

"Yes, but you know, Pete's Pete."

Carmy snorted, "Yeah, yeah, good point."

"I don't know if she'll show up tonight, Bear, but whether she does or doesn't, it won't matter - you're not doing this for her. This is for you, Carmy, tonight's about The Bear opening - it's about you and this incredible, amazing thing you've done. Okay?" You caressed both his cheeks in your hands so he could only look at you directly. "If she shows, that's great," you whispered with a soft smile as your thumbs swept the apples of his cheeks, "and if she doesn't, it won't make tonight any less special. That, I can promise."

Carmy's forehead met yours, both pausing to breathe together; peace always a fleeting feeling as of late and being something you both capitalized on. You brought him in closer for an embrace, his face burying in your neck as your arms snaked around his to keep him as close as possible. His arms were tight around your waist, legs spread to accommodate him; both needing the feel of being close before that night's inevitable stressful event.

"Wow, well, don't you look all pretty! Wow, Peach," Pete greeted you when you scurried to the table with your friend in tow. "Oh, hi there!"

"Pete, this is my best friend, Danielle, and Dani, this is Pete, Sugar's husband."

"Hi, it's really nice to meet you," your friend greeted, the two instantly chattering as they both just blew past their introductions to instantly compliment one another's clothes. You smirked, knowing they'd get along famously, and looked around the brand new, packed restaurant.

"Hey, there she is, my pretty girl," Richie greeted smoothly, approaching your standing form to slide his hand around your shoulders.

"Hi, Cousin," you beamed, offering him a hug in greeting. "The place looks fantastic - it's so - I mean - just wow, Richie," you complimented. "You guys did such an amazing job. I need to tell Fak, too, this is - you guys should be so proud, it looks incredible. Hardly can believe what it was before this."

"It really is something, huh?" He grinned. "Hey, Pete," he nodded.

"Hey, Richie."

"And you must be the famous, the fabulous Miss Danielle?"

"That's me," your friend grinned. "You're Richie, right? Carmy's cousin who's not really a cousin but is as good as blood?"

"Yes, ma'am, the very same," he nodded with pride. "We've some drinks coming your way in just a moment, but I need to borrow Peach for just one second."

"Why do they call her Peach?" Dani asked, but Richie was leading you away as Pete was heard answering,

"Oh, because she mastered this peach cobbler with Carmy's mom, Donna, and she started the nickname..."

"What's wrong?" You asked softly with a smile as to not give the illusion to others that you were worried. "What can I do to help?"

"No, no, nothing too bad, you were just requested by the Frenchie-French guy."

"Oh, right, that's right, yeah, I can help with that," you sighed gently, smiling as you approached the table. Greeting the two men and women was easy, Richie impressed by your connections in the professional world. Tonight, The Washington Post didn't just dine with them - no, it was also the director of social media for three luxury, designer brands: Jean-Paul.

Yes, the man was so elusive that he just went by Jean-Paul. Fuck a last name!

Either way, it impressed Richie to hear the introductions. The two women were executives in their own companies, names Richie didn't catch because he was busy taking note of the way Mr. Frenchie-French was basically eye fucking you in front of them all.

"Well," Richie smiled stiffly, "tonight's incredibly special for us. In fact, uh, Y/N's boyfriend is the owner and head chef."

"Really?" Frenchie-French perked his brows, shifting his gaze over to you. "You always had a soft spots for chefs, non? For those who were versed in the culinary arts?"

"Well, mostly I appreciated a man in the kitchen simply because I burn water and would probably unintentionally starve myself," you teased easily, deflecting the man's subtle dig. "I'm actually here with family tonight, so, please, ladies and gentlemen, enjoy tonight - I know I'm biased when I say the food is exceptional, but I look forward to your own opinions."

"We will talk later, mon cher, I am sure there will be plenty to discuss," the Frenchman promised, kissing the back of your hand as you let Richie lead you away by your free hand.

You released a long sigh, muttering, "Bring them a bottle of real champagne, please, Richie, I had a few bottles imported just for them. Listen closely," you lowered your voice as you both paused on the side of the dining room, "bring them a bowl of thin sliced strawberries sprinkled in sugar and pop the cork at their table - it's impressive for whatever reason."

Richie pecked your temple and gave you a tight squeeze, "I got it all covered, girly. You all right? Look like you're gonna be sick?"

"Just men being men grosses me out, I guess," you sighed with a small shrug. "He's always had a thing for me, I figured I'd use that to get him here tonight - Carmy's work speaks for itself, but maybe he'd be inclined to publish an article or two for us if I play nice."

Richie paused you a few feet from your table, complimenting, "I hope Carmy knows he doesn't deserve you, Peach."

"You said years ago neither of us did," you smirked gently. "Said I wasn't relationship material, right? Remember?"

"I was wrong," he nodded. "I even said y'all would never be serious, but..." He scoffed to himself, "I've never seen that boy so crazy about anyone in his life. You've really changed him, Peach. I don't really know how to thank you."

"You can start by buttering up those flirty Frenchmen," you teased, giving his cheek a peck.

"On it," he winked, parting from your side.

Inside the kitchen some twenty minutes later, Richie approached Carmy, directing his attention, "Cousin?"

"Yo."

"Peach is on 17 with Pete."

"Okay."

"Go say hi."

"Yeah, eventually," Carmy nodded absently, never halting his work.

"Eventually?" Richie repeated with distain, something in his stomach twisting.

"Where the fuck is Josh!?" Carmy called into the kitchen, another chef echoing his concerns.

"Yo!" Richie barked as calmly as he could, "Just go say hi to your girl, Cousin."

"Yo, I'll go when I have a minute," Carmy deflected strongly. "I'm in the fuckin' shit, leave me the fuck alone."

"What? I'm saying - "

"I'll get there when I can get there!"

"I'm saying!"

"What?" Carmy barked.

"She's got important fucking people in that dining room, man," Richie scoffed, hands held up in defense. "Just for your ungrateful ass! Maybe the least you can do is go say fuckin' hi - even if you're fuckin' busy. She knows that, it'd be a nice gesture - or whatever fuckin' shit - I don't know! She's your girl!"

"Yeah! Exactly!" Carmy barked. "She's my fuckin' girl, she knows the fuckin' drill, I'll go say fuckin' hi when I get the fuckin' chance, Richie! Fuck's sake! Always tryna meddle and shit!"

"Jesus, fuck," Richie sighed, turning out of the kitchen with his hands waving Carmy off in defeat.

You were none the wiser, entertained by Pete and Dani's gabbing as Sugar was in-and-out, dealing with all the little things going wrong. These little things came to her in the form of notes left at the table subtly for her to go solve, you wanting to help but being shot down every time. Eventually, Carmy was approaching your table with a tray of food, shocking you slightly.

"Hey, Peach," He greeted softly, lowering the tray to balance on the table and lean over to kiss your cheek. "You look gorgeous, baby, wow," he complimented in a whisper, offering another quick kiss.

"Thank you, Chef," you smiled brightly, touching his forearm in a sign of affection. "What's all this you've got for us?"

He hummed and explained what he set on the table in front of you guys; eyes alight and cheeks flushed from the heat of the kitchen. He poured whatever sauce came with the main dish, smiling at Dani, nodding to Pete, then looking to you.

"I'll check on you later, all right, baby?" He mumbled, watching you nod. "I gotta get back," he whispered, "but thank you for being here, my pretty girl."

"No where else I'd rather be, Cream," you rushed, letting his lips find yours briefly.

"Stick around after, would you? When we close, just... Don't leave yet."

"Yes, Chef," you whispered against his lips with a grin. He gave one single more kiss before pulling away to stand upright.

"Enjoy," he bid the table before walking away.

"So, like," Dani trailed after making sure Carmy was out of earshot, "when's the wedding? 'Cause that might've been the cutest thing I've seen. I mean, opening night, he's cooking, but paused to come serve us? Serve you? And he's so soft with you, kissin' you, bein' all cute," she pouted dramatically. "I want a reason to wear a maid of honor dress, please."

"Hey, hey, chill on us. There's no wedding," you sighed with a small laugh, trying to play off how the subject made your stomach twist. "We haven't really talked about it, you know? No biggie."

"What?" She sputtered. "Wait, hang on. Y'all have been together - like - a stupid, ridiculous amount of time. The fuck you mean you haven't talked about it? What are y'all doing, just ignoring the elephant in the room?"

You shrugged lightly, "I don't know, we know if we ever got married, it'd be to each other, but that's really it. We know we want to be together, we know we want to marry each other, but there's been no serious conversation about it."

"Uh, does that sound right to you?" Dani asked Pete.

He shook his head as you all took dainty bites of food to savor the flavors (and save Sugar some). "When I knew with Natalie, I didn't hesitate."

"Well, Carmy isn't like you, Pete," you defended. "He's got a lot on his plate, too, you know?"

"You've said that since Mikey," Dani frowned, her voice quiet.

"With good reason, don't you think? Carmy's just - he's just going through a lot right now and it's a challenge, you know?"

"No, it's more like Carmy's got the emotional intelligence of a fucking teaspoon!"

"Hey," you snapped, "that's not his fault, he doesn't know much better, so watch your mouth."

"He does with you, like... He knows better when he's with you, when it comes to you, Peach," Pete offered softly. "Look, maybe Danielle has a point - it is a little weird. I mean, you guys have been together, what? Six, almost seven years? Creeping up on a decade of just dating - that's a long time. And didn't you guys do that weird little half-dating thing for two years before making it official? Don't you think that's enough time to know if you want to marry someone, and then, you know? Actually marry them? Or at least ask them?"

"Sure, maybe to other people, but Carmy and I have never been conventional, so, I don't see why we need to start now."

Danielle scoffed, "Look, God love Carmy and everything, but you're just wasting time now. He needs to either commit or let you find someone who can actually love you like you deserve."

"Oh, and Carmy doesn't?"

"Wasn't all that long ago that you two took a break 'cause he called you clingy - and some other unsavory terms," Danielle shrugged. "Doesn't really sound like someone who loves you unconditionally - the way you should be loved."

You sighed and sat back in your chair, "I appreciate the insight, but Carm and I are fine. Okay? We've got years under our belts, we don't want to fuck up what obviously works for us so chill out on the questions, okay? I don't have answers to them."

Danielle and Pete shared a look before the man got up to excuse himself to the restroom. You and Dani finished your meals before sipping your wine, waiting for Pete, but Dani sighed, "This lady's been staring in here for, like, ten minutes already. It's freezing, doesn't she want to come in?"

"Hmm? What're you - ?"

"This lady on the street," your friend pointed over her shoulder towards the window her back was now turned to.

When you peaked out, you gasped lightly when you saw Donna Berzatto smoking a cigarette. "Oh, shit!" You stood from your seat, rushing, "Okay, so, uh, yeah - just - can you just sit here for a second? I have to go handle that."

"Who is it?" Dani wondered earnestly.

"I got it, Peach," Pete told you, passing by the table swiftly with a hand patting your shoulder to keep you at your table.

"What the hell's happening?" Dani asked. "Who is that?"

"Nothing, no one, it's okay, I think that's someone we know, just, uh, hang on a second? We'll be right back."

"Sure," she nodded in confusion, watching you get from your seat and follow Pete out the door onto the blistering cold sidewalk.

"Hey, Mama Donna," you greeted happily, arms crossing over your chest to protect from the wind. "Have you been inside yet? We saved you a seat and all, but isn't this - just wow?" You grinned, trying to encourage her to say anything about her children's hard work.

"Oh, no, no, not you, too, Peach, why are you here?" She groaned lightly, looking upset and close to tears.

"I'm here 'cause of Carmy? I-It's opening night, yeah?" You offered in confusion. "Why? What's wrong, Mama D?" You worried, glancing at an emotional Pete.

"No, it's just, I can't come in, I can't, just no," she backed away, only now making you notice the way Pete cried. "I'm so sorry, Peach, honey, but I was never here. Okay? I-I'll call them later, I swear, I promise, I'll call them - but I-I-I wasn't here. Okay? You can't tell them I was here. I'm so sorry."

"Donna, don't do this," you begged, head shaking. "Don't, please. Just come in with Pete and I - just sit there for a bit. Just come in and see what your kids have done - Donna, it's so beautiful. You'd be so proud, but you should really see it for yourself - "

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I can't, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, not tonight, no, I'm sorry, I can't," she deflected in a rambling mumble, turning and hustling down the sidewalk with her head shaking like a Etch-A-Sketch.

You rounded on Pete, "What the hell was that? Pete, what just happened?"

"Um, I-I don't - I didn't mean to."

"Pete? What didn't you mean?"

"She didn't tell her mom about the baby," he rushed, tears falling. "Nat didn't tell Donna, Peach, and I think I just did - I think I just fucked up and told her."

"Oh, no... No, Pete, you didn't."

"I didn't mean to! I swear it was an accident!"

"No, I know you didn't mean to, honey," you rushed, opening your arms to bring him in for a tight hug. "Oh, you poor boy, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Pete."

He sighed, "I'm sorry, too, Peach."

"For what?"

"That... We fell in love with Berzattos and this is our new normal now, right?" He sniffled.

You half-smiled, "Yeah, something like that. But it's okay. See, where Donna's afraid to give her love, neither of us are. Sugar and Carm deserve that from us, right? To be authentic and just love them?"

He nodded, "Yeah, you're right."

"And that's all we gotta do... Is love them, Pete."

"God knows where else they'd get it," he huffed, wiping his face. "Hey, um, I'll be in, in a second - I just need a minute alone, I think, in the cold."

"Take all the time you need," you agreed.

"We're not - we're not telling them about this, right?"

You sighed, "No, I don't think so - at least right now. It might hurt them more, you know? To know Donna was here, but never came in. That she ran away... Again. It'll hurt, they deserve to be happy about tonight."

Pete nodded rapidly, looking like he was gonna burst into tears. Instead of going back inside, you just moved to Pete's side and stood there; producing a cigarette, lighting it, offering Pete a drag that he turned down, and the both of you just standing silently; one smoking, one crying, both processing.

"Wow, look at these gorgeous ladies! By far the baddest in the whole place! Yeah, man!" Fak teased as he approached you and Danielle after closing the The Bear officially. "What a privilege to have you both dine with us this evening! Ugh, truly an honor to see you both here," he praised comically, evening giving a small bow that his brother mimicked.

Your eyes rolled, "You're laying it on really thick when I already tipped you." He snickered with Theo. "Hey, seriously, though, tonight was incredible. I mean, it was all so beautiful, you should all be so proud."

"Oh, we are," Neil giggled, his brother hanging off his shoulders.

"Good," you teased. "Uh, is now an okay time to go back and see him? Kinda wanna offer my compliments to the chef directly, you know?"

"No," Fak answered instantly, "uh, well, probably not the best time."

"Yeah, probably not," Theodore echoed.

"I can sense you two ramping up to something," you sighed, "so, I'm gonna ask you skip all that and tell me what's wrong. Why can't I go see my boyfriend? He just had an incredibly successful opening night, I kinda wanna kiss him if you don't mind."

"Um, well, h-he didn't want you to worry, so, he said not t'tell you, but, uh... Yeah, no, Carmy's, like, locked in the walk-in freezer. Han Solo style."

"What?"

"Locked in the walk-in," Fak nodded rapidly, "yeah, no, the handle - like, the whole handle came off. He's locked in, Peach..."

"Oh, my fucking God," you breathed. "Are you saying he - he missed opening night? Neil!"

"Yeah, kinda... Well, sorta - I mean, technically, but - "

"Oh, Jesus," you breezed past them all.

"Mmm-mmm, the fridge guy's name is Terry," Tina corrected Carmy, flinching a little when he slapped the other side of the metal door he was locked behind.

"See, th-tha-that's what I'm talking about!" Carmy raged. "I'm so fucking distracted, and for what? For fucking what? 'Cause of a girl?" He chuckled ruefully to himself.

"Nuh-uh, don't do that, Carmy," Tina scolded. "That's not no girl, that's your girl, that's Peach - you don't lash out at her, baby."

"Yo, maybe - maybe I'm just not built for this. Right? Maybe that's okay! Maybe that just is. She'd be better off, Tina... I'm just - I'm not built for this."

But what Carmy didn't hear was Sydney asking Tina to cover her at the front because she needed to step out the back, get some air; Tina accepting and telling Carm to hang on a moment. Something he missed. While Tina took Syd's spot, Syd rushed outside, and you slipped in the kitchen door; Carmy being surrounded by shitty ripped tape and an entire side full of the flowers he had brought in for tonight - for you. It was a haunting reminder; something suffocating.

When you got to the walk-in, you were prepared to call out for Carmy, but he started speaking from within, halting any word on your tongue.

"I wasn't here b-because I was looking a-a-at fucking engagement rings when the fridge guy fuckin' called," Carmy ranted, your heart stalling in your chest. "Right? Like, what the fuck was I thinking? Like I was gonna get married? Commit to this relationship? Be h-her fucking husband or some shit? Have a fucking wife? I'm a fucking - I'm a fuckin' psycho!" He laughed a little, the tears springing to your eyes as his words disarmed your heart and emotional dam. "That's why! That's why I'm good at what I do! That's how I operate! I am the best because I didn't have any of this fuckin' bullshit, right? I could - I could focus and I could concentrate and I had a routine and I - and I had fuckin' cell reception, and Peach and I just had our own routine! We didn't need this extra bullshit, and now..."

You just listened, leaning on the freezer's door, tears silently leaking down your cheeks as you had the horrendous realization that you were what now slowed Carmy down. You were what currently stood in his way, when this whole time, you thought you were helping; making things easier; supporting him. No... No, his words rattled your heart to accept that you were now the bane; the object of his ire. You and your relationship was what was wrong and was causing Carmy hurt and professional complications.

Something you never wanted to contribute towards. You both always said if this relationship got to be too hard, you'd walk away. Better to feel anger than resentment; and now, you knew you had to walk away else risk that resentment fester.

Carmy started up again, "I don't need to provide amusement or enjoyment, I don't need to be someone's 'to have and to hold'. I don't need to receive any amusement or enjoyment, nor for someone to have and hold me... And I'm completely fine with that. Because no amount of good is worth how terrible this fucking feels." You were ready to open your mouth, but he finished by nailing the final nail in the coffin of your relationship, "It's just a complete waste of fuckin' time - entertaining what I know I shouldn't. Being in this relationship, trying to give what I don't have, wasting everyone's time."

You took your chance, speaking through your tears, "I'm really sorry you feel that way, Carmen."

"Peach?" Carmy rasped from behind the door, sounding more alert than he had before. "Baby? Hey, hey, Peaches? That you? Peach - hey. Hey," he sounded desperate as you backed away from the door, a fist pounding into the metal, "hey, no, Y/N? Y/N!" The seriousness settled over you both, Carmen understanding you heard a lot more than ever intended and once those words are out there, there's no getting them back. "Y/N, baby? Hey, no, no, Y/N - listen to me - hey, no, no! I-I didn't know you were there, baby, okay? No, Y/N, please - tell me you're there now, let me explain." He paused. "Let me explain! Please! C'mon, baby, please, let me fucking explain - tell me you're still there! Y/N? Y/N!"

You sniffled and walked away, feeling smaller than you ever had in your life. You barely noticed when the kitchen door opened, not until a figured dressed in black stopped you. "Peach? Hey, hey," Richie halted you - taking note of the tears. "What's wrong? What happened? Are you okay - who fuckin' did it?"

You just stared at Richie for a long moment, opening your mouth twice before sighing and smiling sadly. "I never wanted to be what got in his way," you whispered sadly. "I'm sorry, Richie."

"Peaches, hey, what's - "

But you reached up to kiss his cheek, "Tonight was so beautiful, Cousin, and I'm so fucking proud of you all. Thank you for everything - not just tonight, Richie, but everything you do." You smiled again, whispering, "Take care of him. Okay? He'll need you."

"What're you talking about? What's going on? Where are you going? Hey, where are you going, Peach, please?"

"Have a good night, Richie, I love you," you whispered, leaving out the kitchen door as quickly as you could. "Hey," you sniffled, approaching Dani with the Fak Brothers, "can we go now, please?"

"Are you okay?" Dani worried in shock.

"I'd really like to go, Dani, please," you rushed, throwing your coat on and smiling at the Brothers as if your heart wasn't in pieces. "Thanks again for tonight, you guys, it was magical."

"Peach? Wait, hey, are you okay, baby? What just happened?" Neil worried, watching you snatch Dani's hand, but pause when screaming was heard from the kitchen. Everyone stared at the door, Neil muttering, "The fuck are they...?"

"Now, Dani, please," you whimpered to your friend, who wasted no time in escorting you out of The Bear. The moment you were outside, you burst into sobs, Dani grunting a little as she lead you down a side alley to lean you on a brick wall and beg you to breathe normally.

"What the hell just happened? Hey, honey, you need to breathe," she smoothed hair off your face - but it was like you were drowning in the air with the way you gasped and gaped and panted and whimpered and choked yourself.

"I-I-I-I think - I think w-we're done, I think we're done, I think - oh, fuck - I think we just broke up," you sobbed, hands on your knees. "Oh, my God, Dani," you whimpered, "I-I think - I think we're done, Danielle, oh, my fucking God. I-I heard things tonight that I just - I can't not know, anymore! He said - fuck! He was just so candid, he didn't know I was there so h-he was sayin' things I have t-to now confront - and I really didn't fucking want to! He just - he doesn't want to really marry me, D, and-and-and he was apparently looking a-a-a-at rings - fucking engagement rings! But then he said that w-was the issue - he missed the fridge guy's call 'cause he was looking at fucking rings for me and this is why he missed opening night - 'cause the fucking fridge broke! Oh, my God, Danielle, i-i-it's my fault, it's my fucking fault, he missed the most important night of his life and it's my fault - "

You were cut off by your stomach lurching, emptying your insides onto the pavement. The delicious appetizer, the tantalizing main course, Marcus' fresh baked bread that was delightfully soft on the inside yet baked crisp on the outside, and every bit of the sweetened dessert - all wasted on Chicago bricks.

"Okay, okay, ah, shit, just get it out, babe, there you go," Danielle held your hair, catching you in a suffocating hug once you were done puking. "I've got you, babe, I've got you. You're okay, no, hey, this isn't your fault. I've got you, come on. I think we need pints of ice cream and the saltiest pretzels we can find," she pushed some hair from your sticky forehead, pouting dramatically, "maybe some Pepto? Few Saltines and ginger ale? C'mon, we're going back to mine, there's a good girl," she coaxed you from the ground and away from the wall, "c'mon, you're stronger than this. There's my girl, here we go, just one foot in front of the other - together, with me, just like that."

You sobbed, not knowing that Sydney and her father stood listening just a few feet away behind a set of dumpsters.

The moment the freezer's door was open and Carmy was free, he was sprinting around the kitchen to grab his coat, leave Neil in charge of closing, and racing out the door as the Fak Brothers yelled at him for hurting your feelings.

"Hey, hey, hey, Chef! Carmy, wait!" Sydney chased him outside.

"No time!"

"Wait! She went with her friend!"

Carmy came to a tripping halt, catching himself before he hit the pavement before whirling around to approach her, "What?"

"Her friend? She was with some girl tonight?"

"Yeah - yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, um, that's - yeah, that's Danielle," Carmy nodded. "Her best friend, yeah, they were here tonight, sitting with Pete and Sugar."

"Listen, Carmy, I heard them when they left the restaurant... Peach was really upset, like, more upset than I've ever heard, saying you two broke up? Or something? She cried so hard, Carm, she actually threw up, it sounded like she was in genuine distress. I-I didn't know if I should've intervened, but her friend was with her and helping."

"Shit - fuck - Goddamnit," he seethed. "All right, thank you - "

"I doubt they went to your place, I think I heard her friend saying they were going to her apartment."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, great, I know where Dani lives, thanks Syd!" Carmy bid, sprinting in the other direction - never bothering with the public bus system, just running into the night. Sydney was left to sigh on the sidewalk, Neil and Theo joining her before Richie followed - all watching Carmy disappear down the sidewalk.

"He's a fucking idiot," Richie shook his head.

"What the hell even happened?" Syd asked.

"Carmy mouthed off in the walk-in, Peach heard it all," Richie supplied. "You know the dumbass was gonna propose tonight?"

"What?" Syd blinked in shock.

"Yeah," Neil tacked on, "we had a whole plan and everything. Candles, soft music, flowers - there's a bunch of flower bouquets in the walk-in."

"I'm sure that was hard for Carm to look at," Syd sympathized.

"Doesn't excuse whatever he said," Richie snapped. "She looked devastated."

"She cried so hard, she threw up in the alley," Syd frowned.

"How do you know?" Neil asked.

"I heard her," the other chef frowned. "My dad and I - we actually both heard her."

"Jesus fuck," Richie seethed.

"I mean... Should we still set up?" Theo wondered to his brother. "What if they kiss and make up, like always? Carmy might still wanna go through with the proposal, right? You know?"

"Maybe," Neil trailed, looking at Richie.

"I don't fucking know," he sighed, hands on his hips.

"She thinks they broke up, I imagine whatever she heard was pretty nasty," Sydney frowned. "Think they'll really make up tonight?"

"Let's hope," Richie sighed. "That fuckin' idiot isn't gonna find anyone better than Peach. Fuck," he looked around the city street. "All right, fuck it, fine, let's fucking set up. Not like the jackass deserves it, but let's do it for Peach."

Neil and his brother grinned at each other, turning to hustle back into The Bear - leaving Sydney and Richie on the street. No words were exchanged, just silent shakes of their heads before they followed the Faks with the intention to help set up for a proposal nobody even knew if would still happen.

The cold night burned Carmy's lungs, but it was nothing compared to the feeling of suffocation he felt earlier when listening to one of your voicemails while trapped.

Your words were sweet as pie, as they usually were; a voicemail left when you were still at work, but feeling so excited to see him that night that you just had to call him. You reminded him of the adoration and love you held for him, relaying how proud you felt - and that you knew Mikey would be, too. You were always doing that, reassuring Carmy; and maybe that's why he felt so freaked out, he wasn't used to it. Even after almost 7 years together, he just wasn't used to what he didn't know he deserved.

Because Carmy didn't think he deserved anything remotely close to love, understanding, compassion, patience, and / or reassurance.

He had sobbed out loud as he locked his phone, not having the heart to delete your message. He often never did - he liked listening to your voice on long, hard nights; it brought him peace when the world felt too loud. He also kept whatever little notes you left for him, even going as far as to get a few of your hand-drawn hearts tattooed on his forearm. One for each anniversary you've shared together. He realized he never wanted to be without you and all his doubts and fear was him projecting his own incompetence towards this relationship; so, he locked his phone, he didn't delete your message.

The moment the fridge door had been opened, Carmy was out of there, shot off like a Roman Candle - your words of love and understanding still ringing in his ears as he was freed. He needed to apologize, and he needed to apologize right fucking now.

The whole run to Danielle's apartment, Carmy wasn't sure what to say to you; mulling over different ideas in his head. He tried to plan his speech, but the only thing he could think of was how much he loved you and that the ring in his pocket weighed a hundred pounds.

He pounded at Danielle's door. Carmy paced slightly as he waited, knocking frantically, and surely waking the neighbors - but that didn't matter. All that mattered was talking to you, something he was desperate to accomplish. When the door opened, your friend offered a stale look and shook her head, "Nope."

"Dani, please," he halted the closing door, "it's all a misunderstanding, I swear to God, please, just - let me try to fix this. Please, okay? I-I need her - I fucking need her and I have to fix this 'cause she's all that matters, okay? So, let me talk to her - please. Please, Danielle!"

"Yeah? The only thing?"

"More than anyone, more than anything - more than The fucking Bear, I swear to fucking God, Danielle! Just - Just one chance, please. I-I don't know how it all got so fucked, but please, I have to try - "

"Whatever you said in that freezer, Carmen, fucking gutted her, you hear me?" Dani stood in her doorway protectively. "Should've had your ass frozen for the hurt you caused her. How the fuck do you intend on making this right? Huh? It's been almost a fucking decade, dude, if you're seriously still afraid of commitment, just fuck off and leave her alone. Let her walk away 'cause I promise, there's a line of dudes who would love to put a ring on her loyal-ass finger - "

"Please, let me fix this," Carmy begged, sounding close to tears. "I need her, Danielle, please."

"It's okay, D," a voice whispered from behind Danielle, and when she turned, you were revealed - jacket and purse in hand, looking completely exhausted, drained, and disheveled. "I'm just tired, Dani, but we have to talk about this... So, I'll go home with him and call you tomorrow, okay?"

"You sure?"

"It's a decent walk, gives us too much time to talk," you shrugged, refusing to meet Carmy's bloodshot eyes. "Thanks for tonight, sorry I was such a mess," you whispered, hugging your best friend since pre-school.

"Girl, don't you ever apologize to me. But hey, look, I don't know, you were just drowning in your tears, like, five minutes ago. Sure you really wanna go? You can stay here as long as you'd like, girl, fuck him."

"Better to work it out now than later, I guess," you whispered, letting her kiss your cheek and see you guys out.

"She calls me cryin', Carmen, I'll kick your ass," She threatened as you moved down the apartment's hall. You might've snickered just a little, but the amusement was wiped clean when you rounded the corner and came up to the elevators.

Now that it was just you two, it was dreadfully awkward.

"Baby - "

"Just - don't talk for right now, Carmen," you sighed, shaking your head. "I'm still digesting all you said."

He frowned when you walked onto the elevator without a single emotion on your face, following you, and when on the ground floor, moved out to head home. It was quiet, it was awkward; only the sounds of traffic filling the space between you as you walked.

"Listen," he started with a long sigh, "you came in at the worst time, Peach, heard some shit you shouldn't have that I-I didn't even mean. I was just," he paused, sighing, "really angry and frustrated, fucking running my mouth 'cause I didn't know what else to do."

"Sounded like I came in at the best time since you're not very forthcoming with emotions. So, hearing your confession put a lot in perspective for me, Carm."

"I was just angry, Peach," he frowned, hands deep in his pockets. "Felt like I was self sabotaging myself, I wasn't sure what else to feel. So, I just lashed out. I didn't mean it, but I just felt like being angry... So fucking angry, baby, I just - I didn't know what else to feel."

"I don't know if I can be with someone like that," you whispered. "Someone who throws our relationship under the bus when he's angry, someone who's first line of defense is apparently to blame the relationship he's been in for over half a decade with the same girl. Someone you've known your whole life..."

"Peach - "

"If it's that easy for you to just disregard us, I don't think we should continue this."

Carmy took a breath and reached out to pull you to a stop. He dug in his pocket for a moment, then showed you the black velvet jewelry box. "I was gonna propose tonight, when everyone was gone," he explained when you took the box to open gingerly. "I think because that was on my mind already, something I was more than nervous to actually do, you're right, it did become my first line of defense to blame us - not just you, baby, but us. You and me... Mostly me, though," he chuckled sadly. "You're this perfect, sweet angel who just loves me out loud when I don't deserve it, and I'm... I'm just me," he sighed, eyes reddening. "And I know I'm never gonna be enough for you, I think I started to get in my head about if you said no. How I missed the call from Terry about the fridge 'cause I was picking out an engagement ring that you didn't even want, that you rejected - rejected me; and in turn, I missed opening night, and it all just - it got to a boiling point. Look, Peach, it's never been a secret that I don't think I deserve you... But I wanted to be the man that could at least give you an honest try of my best. You've stuck by me the past seven years when you should've ran for the hills, and I knew I wanted us for life years ago - but everything was still so up in the air. So confusing. So fucked up. I figured, after opening tonight, if things went t'plan, I could propose - prove to you that we're on our feet and there weren't any rugs to be pulled."

"What if things didn't go to plan?" You whispered.

"We're kinda living it now," he admitted, hand rubbing the back of his neck. "But even if tonight was all a total failure, I know I might've still done it because it's you, Peach. It's you... I've known for years you're who I want, I just never knew how to do this - to move us forward. You're my first relationship, hopefully my only relationship, and I just didn't know how to advance us. I think when things got real for me, my insecurities crept in, and I just reacted - I didn't think."

"We always said when this wasn't healthy or when this wasn't good for us anymore, we'd walk away," you reminded. "That we'd rather be sad or angry about a breakup instead of letting resentment fester from being together."

"It's still good for me, Peach, we're still good," he whispered, stepping closer. "Is it still good for you? Or did I lose you completely tonight?"

"I don't know, Carmy, you've been lashing out a lot lately. At me specifically."

"And with The Bear now open, I-I should be okay. You know? Back to normal?"

You chuckled dryly, "I see, back to your high walls? Emotional constipation?"

"Then maybe not normal," he corrected, "because I just needed to get us here, to tonight, to opening, and then show you that it's over. Show you that part of our lives is over and we only have more adventures to look forward to. Not ones like this, though," he gestured up the street, your eyes cutting over and realizing you were back at The Bear.

"Do you really think you're a psycho?"

He chuckled, "After tonight? Yeah, pretty convinced... Plus, I, uh, I saw in the freezer the way we're labeling things - and got angry about it. Angry about the way we were tearing tape and labeling things. It was so fucking stupid, but I just - I felt so crazy. I still do, I still feel like my head doesn't make sense and I'm a bit, you know... Crazy."

You nodded slowly, "Then how can you promise me this kinda shit won't happen again?"

"I don't think I can, but I can make you the promise that I am working on it; trying to identify when I feel reactive, trying to calm that down. I'm trying, Peach, I really am - it's just... Taking a lot of time," he sighed sadly. "And I know you don't have any more left to give me."

"I've already given you this many years," you reminded softly, "I think I could spare another or two if it meant you getting your shit together, that you get better, stop feeling so crazy."

"I don't deserve anymore time - "

"I think you need to step back and reevaluate what it means to be deserving because you always say that. That you don't deserve something - even as simple as time. Everyone deserves time and opportunity to figure shit out, Carmy, and you're no exception."

He nodded, "I'm... Trying." He took a long, deep breath, "I'm, uh... Going to meetings, you know, like, uh, Al-Anon and whatever."

"That's good, they're there to help," you nodded, stepping closer to take his hands in yours after closing the ring box and stuffing it back in his pocket. "Now, I think you need to do something."

"Anything, Peach."

"Take my hand, bring me back to The Bear, and go about your plan."

He froze in shock, blinking at you in earnest, "You really mean that?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

"No, ma'am, and I think that scares me more."

"You'd rather break up? 'Cause at this point, Carm, we either move forward with this engagement and fucking work our shit out, or we break up. It's been almost a decade. It's your choice, you're the one who was saying he couldn't be someone's husband, that he didn't need to provide anyone nor have them provide you with anything. So, you tell me what you want to do - because all I know is that I love you, I want you for life, but not if you're going to resent me and regret moving our relationship forward. I don't need to get married, Carmy, but you can't keep jerking me around like you have been. So... Make a decision based on what you want - based on what's best for you. Not what's best for us, but put yourself first right now, Carmy, and make a decision about what you want."

With a nod of his head, Carmy cleared his throat and offered you his hand. When he felt you lock your fingers with his, he glanced up and down the street, then lead you across it. Up the sidewalk and to the front door of The illuminating Bear, he paused to produce his keys and then lead you inside.

The lights were dim, but a flip of the switch brightly lit up the newly constructed restaurant. He seemed nervous at your cool demeanor, watching you shed your coat and set your purse down; but his hand took yours again and lead you further into the place. He seemed nervous, but once in the kitchen, it was almost like Carmy's stress melted away.

"I was... I had this plan," he explained softly, leaning on one of the work stations with both hands in yours to keep you in front of him. "I have all these candles, right? Was gonna distract you in here," he looked around the fluorescent lighting, "while Richie, Fak, Tina, and the others set everything up. We'd hang in here after the place was closed down, you know, show you around the completed kitchen. And really casually, I'd ask if you were ready to go, so, we'd go out the front, and we'd walk right into the candlelight..."

"Yeah?" He nodded, thumbs running over your hands as he pushed off the counter. "Don't deviate from your plan now..."

Carmy smirked, "Wanna hear the boring kitchen stuff?"

"Of course, I do."

So, he lead you around in a tour of the kitchen; showing off the new office space that he invited you to take advantage of whenever you wanted. The sleek appliances were shown off, the vast fridges, freezers, new cutlery, state-of-the-art dishwashers. Everything, he showed you, knowing you helped him pick a lot of it out - it was still nice to see it all come together finally.

And then, slowly, he lead you out of the kitchen, but to your honest shock, the dining room was covered in lit candles and different bouquets of thick, gorgeous floral arrangements. "Oh, holy shit," you breathed, Carmy hiding his confusion much better than you.

You came to a slow halt in the middle of the room, the lights out and only leaving the candles to provide an ambiance. "I had this whole speech planned, too," Carmy told you softly. "Remind you of the day we met, how you saved me from those jackass bullies - remember?"

You smiled softly, emotions swirling in your chest, "First day of first grade, you had a Buzz Lightyear backpack and some kids were picking on you 'cause of it."

"And what did you do?"

You felt bashful remembering, but humored him by answering, "Pushed their faces in the mud at recess and made them apologize."

"You've been my best friend since that day," he nodded, bringing you in a few steps closer. "And when we got to high school, my feelings changed. You weren't just my best friend, but the girl I was madly in love with... Took me a couple years to buck up the courage to ask you out officially, though."

"Sure took your sweet time," you whispered with a smile, "but all good things to those who wait, right?"

"And I think you've waited long enough for a man to be who you deserve," he frowned. "All these years - it's been you at my side. You even - fuck - you even came over to Amsterdam for a bit because I was feeling overwhelmed and lonely. Sad, maybe even a little homesick. But you just - you just showed up like it was the most common thing in the world."

You chuckled through your tears, "Yeah, we had some good times on that boat, didn't we?"

He nodded with a softening smile, pushing hair from your face and behind your ear; pausing to hold your cheek carefully. "And when we came back stateside... You were still the only constant presence in my life. You were my family without blood, and I knew after that Christmas that you'd forever be my other half, and I'd spend my life conveying how grateful I am for you. I just - I never knew how to put it into words until now."

"What changed?"

"Realizing that I wanted to marry you years ago - and I should've. I know I shouldn't have drug my feet with us, delay our inevitable, because honestly? I couldn't see my life without you in it and I knew I needed you with me forever. Peach," he frowned, reaching for your other cheek, "we agreed when this wasn't healthy, we'd walk away - I remember that. But I need you to know, I'll never fucking regret you. I'll never resent you. You've been unwaveringly supportive and loving and... And I've been the luckiest man to experience it all. But now," he pushed himself a step closer so he was hovered over your lips, "I know that you deserve someone just as present in this relationship as you are. I knew once The Bear was done, I was done - I was done beating this bush around and wasting time. I knew what I needed to do because the idea of you not being in my life anymore terrifies me more than anything. I don't remember life without you, Peach, and I don't ever want to know what it's like. So," he cleared his throat, "here, in the restaurant I so desperately wanted to give up on so many times, but you always stopped me, I wanted to make this official. I wanted it to be here to show you that the past year of our turmoil - it's fucking over, Peach. We did it," he whispered, "and now, the next and only thing I want to focus on is us."

Carmy readjusted you both for a little bit of space, holding your left hand tightly as he lowered himself to a single knee; looking up at you with those big, wide, sad blue eyes that were growing redder by the passing second. The candlelight created a romantic atmosphere that cocooned you both in a warm embrace, the flowers around you projecting their floral scent.

"So, I need to ask you something real important, baby," he whispered, his throat bobbing to restrain his emotion that clawed up his throat, "because if I don't, I don't think I could breathe again." He cleared his throat, pulling the ring box from his pocket and opening it to present to you officially. "Y/F/N Y/M/N Y/L/N... My sweetest Peach, I've loved you almost my entire life, you're my best friend, my most loyal and sweetest confidant. You make me want to be a man better than I was yesterday and never before have I ever seriously considered marriage - until you. Now? Now, I can't get the idea out of my head, so, my sweet girl," he took another breath, the tears in his eyes swelling and slowly dripping down his cheeks as you slowly got on your knees in front of him, "I need to ask you... W-Would you do me the honor? Of being my wife?"

"Carmen."

He grinned at you, both with tears down your cheeks. "Will you marry me, Y/N? I can't see my life without you in it, so... I want this, I want you for life. Y/N, will you marry me?" He paused, adding a meek little, "Please?" at the end.

With a deep breath, you slowly reached for his cheeks in a soft caress to wipe his tears; both just staring at one another for a good few moments before a face-splitting grin nearly cracked your lips. "Yes," you finally answered, "yeah, yes, yes, of course, I'll marry you, Carmen, yes!"

"Oh, thank fuckin' God," he laughed, letting you lunge forward to knock him backward in a hug - missing the candles arranged in a small circle for you two to stand in. Carmy laughed loudly, happily, giving you a tight squeeze as he mused, "Had my heart beatin' outta my chest for a second there, Peach."

"Oh, please," you laughed, "after all this time, you really thought I'd say no?"

He shrugged meekly, "Thought my most recent fuck-ups would've added to any reasons you might have to say no."

"Oh, spare me - you're my best friend, Carmy, you know I couldn't ever say no to you. Not without puking in nervousness."

"Can we maybe not talk about puke when we just got engaged?"

You laughed and nodded, "Fine, fine, fine, then put the ring on, please."

You presented your left manicured hand, watching Carmy almost giddily removed the band from the box, took a slow, deep breath, and then, the most beautiful ring was being slid onto your finger in an official show of your engagement. Of your undying love. Of your commitment, promises, and future together.

"YEAH!" An array of varying cheers and hollers of support and excitement rang out around you; startling both you and Carmy to look up. Richie, Sydney, Tina, Neil, Theo, Pete, and Sugar all hung in the bathroom's alcove - watching with splitting grins and cheering in celebration.

There was no time to question them as Richie lead the charge over; helping you to your feet for a giant, bear hug before gushing over your engagement ring. Neil and Theo popped one of the authentic bottles of champagne, pouring different flutes for those present.

"Calm down," Natalie scolded Richie lightly, "and move out the way, I want to hug my engaged bestie!"

You squealed with Sugar when her arms wrapped around you tightly, Rich moving on to congratulate Carmy - who apologized for his angry words earlier and thanked them for still setting things up. Richie promised it was for you, not Carmy, but still hugged the little shit with a laugh - indicating he was just joking.

"Let me see!" Natalie grinned, examining the ring Carmy chose and squealing again. "Oh, my God! Oh, it's so pretty! Oh, shit - sisters!" She gasped, holding your hands tightly, "We're going to be sisters - like, officially!"

"Sisters in law, but yeah, cupcake," you beamed at her, wiping your tears and giggling. "I can't - this just doesn't feel real," you told her softly, looking the few feet over to see Carmy with the lads as Sydney stood with you and Sugar. "Him proposing? I genuinely thought it wouldn't happen," you tried to laugh your nerves off, looking at your ring and fiddling with it.

"Yeah, right," Sydney laughed. "I haven't been around that long and even I knew this was gonna happen."

"Oh, please, she's right," Natalie grinned when you went to retaliate, "he first started talking about how he wanted to marry you when he was, like, 15. This has been the longest thing coming."

"Thank you guys for helping," you whispered with a smile. "It's all so beautiful."

"Happy to help for a good cause," Syd smiled, complimenting your ring as Neil called for a toast. Everyone was given flutes of champagne, Carmy's arm wrapping around your waist as each friend gave their own little speech, congratulating you both before the alcohol was being drained.

"Uh, and where are you two going?" Sugar asked about an hour later with a small giggle when Carmy wrapped an arm around your neck after helping you into your coat again.

"Gotta celebrate alone with my fiancé," he smirked, "later, guys! Don't forget to lock up!"

"Carmen!" You scolded with a small laugh, gaping at him.

"What? They got this," Carmy chuckled. "Thanks, you guys, see you tomorrow!"

"We can help clean," you told him as he lead you out of the restaurant.

"Nah, we've got bigger plans," he smirked at you. "Got plenty t'celebrate, yeah? Ever fucked as fiancés before?"

"No - but I hear it's some crazy sex," you whispered, locking your arms around his waist to stay close. Neither of you cared about the bus at this hour, opting to walk home in the cold - not that you felt it. Your love burned brighter than the cold biting your skin.

requesting rules and masterlist

The Bear masterlist

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thefirstlioveyou · 3 months

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can i be honest about something? i don’t know if anyone else feels this way.

i believe in byler 100%. it’s gonna happen, it just has to. but for some reason, i can’t envision it entirely, you know? like once it happens, it’ll be surreal. i knew it was gonna happen, but to actually see them more physical or explictly [more] flirty, it’s gonna be like, “holy shit. this is real. this isn’t fanfiction, it’s real.”

i know once the season comes, it’ll be easier to picture afterwards. but right now, all i know is that it’s gonna shock me. they’re already flirty as it is, but to even imagine that turned up several notches for s5? holy shittt mannn. i NEED that. i NEED to see it. literally change my entire perception NOW. let me actually see it

i don’t know if this made sense, but i hope someone out there feels the same. it isn’t byler doubt, it’s just… damn we got this far huh?

i just need to see them enter a whole new level of their relationship so badly djdhsjks ill lose it

#byler #mike wheeler #will byers #stranger things #rambling

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ivylation · 3 months

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Love in Chaos (Carlos Olivera x Reader)

Tws- mentions of blood

2nd post, hope you enjoy <3 ill be writing alot carlos in the future so lmk whatd you want you want to see with him !!

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You and Carlos both faced the dangers of Raccoon City side by side, Carlos's confident flirtatious tendencies and your quiet self created an almost movie like relationship. He would throw cringey pickup lines your way, met with bright red faces, small giggles, and occasional eye rolls at his worst lines. Amidst the chaos he never stops throwing jokes at you, he lives to see you smile, you just didn't know that.

One evening, as the setting sun painted the broken skyline in hues of orange and pink, you and Carlos found yourselves on the rooftop of an abandoned building. The air is thick with smoke and an almost calming sensation, which is rare in the chaos filled time.

Carlos, true to his nature, leaned in with an exaggerated flourish. "You know," he began, both gazes kept locked on the setting sun in front of you both. “You look really cute today” you turn to him caught off guard by the sudden compliment, “you say that everyday” you roll your eyes, ears pink. Carlos still looking at they sky, his dark shaggy hair blowing in the soft breeze. “Thats because youre cute everyday” he shrugs and turns his head to look down at you. “Bullshit” you smile softly “im covered with mud and blood” you look down at your bruised body thats full of a mix of yours and the victims of your knife.

His gaze softens as he takes in the sight of you. "Even with the mud and blood, you manage to be the most captivating thing in this city," he says, his tone sincere. Carlos reaches over, brushing a strand of hair from your face with a gentle touch. You always assumed he was joking but something felt different this time,the look in his eyes, he was being serious.

You gained a small crush on the large man over the weeks of being together, how could you not? He had dark eyes that seemed to only soften on you, he was funny, determined and kind and holy shit was he hot. His large arms as he held his gun to fight off the zombies that suddenly caught you off guard, his pretty skin that is coated with shine due to the fires. His large hands as they gripped your wrists to pull you out of dangers way. He was hot. Like really hot.

You never pursued the crush and pushed it out of your mind as there was a literal zombie apocalypse happening and there was no time for a silly little crush. That was hard when you see the man everyday.

You can't help but blush at his words, a mixture of embarrassment and appreciation filling your chest. The apocalypse had left its mark on both of you, physically and emotionally, yet Carlos's unrelenting flattery remained a constant; it made you feel validated and loved even when you're at your lowest of lows.

"I mean it," he continues, his eyes tracing the contours of your face. "You're like a survivor goddess amidst all this chaos. Mud and blood included."

You chuckle, couldn't help but cringe a little at his use of words, still a bit bashful under his gaze. "Survivor goddess, huh? I'm not sure about that."

Carlos nudges you playfully. "Oh, absolutely. You fight off zombies and still manage to look adorable. It's a rare talent."

You shake your head, smiling at his antics. "Well, if I'm a survivor goddess, you're the charming rogue who keeps distracting me with compliments."

He grins, leaning in once more, this time planting a soft kiss on your lips. "Guilty as charged," he whispers, his breath warm against your ear. You just stared at him, taken aback, your face bright red and hot. You knew there was no passing over this crush.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, casting a warm glow over the broken city, you couldn't help but feel a sense of warmth in your heart. In the midst of the apocalypse, amidst mud, blood, and chaos, there was an unexpected connection that transcended the grim reality--one Carlos Olivera himself created.

_____

#carlos olivera #carlos oliveira x reader #resident evil 3 #re3 remake #2nd post #carlos olivera fic #resident evil #fluff

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zvdvdlvr · 1 year

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I don’t know if you take requests if yes then could you pretty please do a Cedric Diggory and/or Theodore Nott fluff alphabet

Thanks✨

fluff alphabet; cedric diggory

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

ok but i really do believe that cedric diggory needs to always be holding your hand or, in case ur not a physical person, know that he's always by your side. i do be thinking though that cedric will always be down for almost any kind of pda

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

the forst thing i thought of while reading this is that there are two types of best friends reacting to their bestie's break-up: the one thats all "omg bae im so sorry!! do you need to talk? lets watch some movies and ill get all the ice cream and you tell me everything" and then "ok... any suggestions for what we'll do with the dead body?" out of these, cedric's fr the first one.

as a best friend, cedric 100% will point and laugh at people you dont like, and will undoubtedly stand up for you and ur presence if you aren't there.

and he will buy you Christmas gifts (if u celebrate) and will spoil u on ur birthday

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

YES. PLEASE.

he loves spooning (specifically him as little spoon but he dgaf if u dgaf) and will 100% fall asleep with you. cedric, for one, lovesss being in between your legs (hey now 🤨📸) with his head on your stomach and he's just all wrapped up in you omg it makes him so happy and warm and sleepy omg hes soft

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

at some point, yeah. cedric wants to settle down. he knows, though, that thats not always in the cards and is willing to do whatever for your love.

HOLY NART CEDRIC DIGGORY IS AN AMAZING CHEF D O N T TRY TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. ok so imagine: after graduation, probably a week or so into life without school, you're still unconscious from a busy night of doing whatever you were doing. now its getting later in the morning, the sun is rising farther, and your body is ready for food. cocooning yourself in an old hogwarts blanket, you start making your way to the kitchen of the apartment you're sharing with cedric. you find him mid-flip of a scrambled egg. he's wearing a pairbof light grey sweatpants, and the sun shining beautifully on his bare chest. not to brag, but cedric was definitely muscular from quidditch. he looks up, soft eyes visibly lighting up seeing you. he smiles sweetly as you basically waddle to him. taking you in his arms, he presses a kiss to your forehead and goes back to the egg.

lmao okay i see u

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

genuinely, cedric does want the best for you, so he takes comfort in knowing this would be good for you if breaking-up was necessary. he won't pussy out, don't worry. cedric also believes in communication, so he'll make dinner or whatever and then he'll sit down with you and just say it as it is with as little sugar-coating as possible. he cares about your feelings, so he wouldn't be mean about it. he'd assure you that if, at any point, you needed him, he would always be there for you.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

mans ong wants to get married (when he knows ur the one). he wouldn't wait years unless he felt the need to, but wouldn't rush right into it.

when the time comes, he'll introduce you to his family, and obviously his dad would like you because theres literally no reason not to. he would buy a ring without you knowing, and would definitely take you somewhere. if you proposed to him, holy shit he'd probably start crying. if you made a speech? sobbing. he's kinda emotional, and is not afraid to cry about the big stuff. happy tears streaming down his face hed probably make tf out with you right then and there.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they physically?)

he a softie, i think we know now. physically omg would be so tender and sweet with you unless you want him to be ;) (im sorry omg im sleep deprived)

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

oui oui, garçons und filles. expect lots of hugs from behind cos bros a sucker for those ong 😭❤

if ur shorter than him, hugs from the front are so sweet n shit. he leans down and kisses your forhead and its honestly just so sweet damn

if u a little taller than him, slay bbg i see you 🤩 anyways, ced wanna be held some days so he'll just kinda stand there until you get the hint and hug him like you know he needa be

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

damn okay thats a tuff one tbh

when he knows you'll put up with his shit and he just kinda knows that you the one, he'll come up and be twiddling his thumbs and be all ''omg i think i love you and im in love with you"

no, honestly, he'd probably bring it up into a conversation and then just steamroll right by it. he wants you to know he does love you but he doesn't want to be overbearing and scare you away

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

cedric does kinda get jealous, but damn he won't tell you. it's kinda obvious, though, when he is jealous. he'll be glaring and everything at whoever your talking to/about and kinda just wallow in his anger like "merlin man dzont they're with me >:(((((" when you come by and stand by him and kiss him or hold his hand, he does get happy and look down to keep anyone from seeing his smile

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

depends of the mood

during hogwarts and he just got out of a rough class or its been a long day or whatever, he'll kiss you with those soft lips of his, gently tugging your bottom lip with his teeth.

if you're both at home and just woke up its just a soft little kiss on the lips, lingering slightly

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

literally so sweet omfg 😣❤

as a prefect, he's got some experience with kids (specifically 11 and 12 year olds) if you both decided you wanted kids, adopted or not, he's definitely be so sweet but sometimes you might have to remind him that he needs to be especially firm with some kids just because they may need it.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

slow and sweet, most days. he'll make breakfast (most days) at some point unless hes asleep or sick. if you shower in the morning, he'll make sure you have a cup of tea or coffee or cocoa waiting for you when you're done

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

he loooovvveeessss cuddling okay? he'll do anything you want, watching movies, play games and the like

though cedric loves movie nights, he loves the moments when the movie is paused, and you're doing whatever it is you're doing (petting ur dog or cat, re-placing a blanket, scurrying out of the room for some reason) he loves those. it makes him feel safe knowing he's with you in your home, with your personal stuff, being happy and cute

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

as friends, you'd obviously know the basics: fave color, fave drink, eye color, yada yada yada.

cedric diggory trusts pretty easily (when dating) and will tell you things you probably never thought to ask. personal things that he holds so close to his heart, sometimes he forgets those things are even there.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

it certainly takes a little bit to get him upset

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

cedric takes pride in knowing he's yours and you're his, so yeah, he knows details about you almost no one else really knows. hell, he'd probably even remember your gramma's birthday (if you guys were/are close)

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

waking up with you for the first time. seeing you asleep made him swell with warmth. he knew you had a hard time trusting, so you being vulnerable around him made him super mega ridiculously happy

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

he trusts you. he knows you know that there's a line between being nice and being a little too nice, so he doesn't get too jealous. in any case, a part of him is worried you'd find someone 'better' than him

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts?)

cedric loves dates. cute little outings where you guys can go do that cute couple shit and just bask in each other.

CEDRIC LOVES GIFT GIVING WHAT

he knows what to get you because he kinda likes going shopping with you

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

cedric picks at his hangnails until he bleeds

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

now, as one of the golden boys of his time at hogwarts, yes he does care about his looks. he dgaf about little pimples but damn if theres a hot out of place...

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

honestly kinda. he's devoted to you. he's yours. its hard for him to be away from you for weeks let alone months, but of course, he would always pull through in the end; all for you.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

cedric pets every dog or cat that he sees (with permission)

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

bros got a thing for not having dirty socks laying on the floor don't ask me why i know this shit

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

turning and nuzzling into you and holyfuckingshit its adorable :((( sometimes he'll whine when he can't quite reach or find you and he'll 100% wake up in the middle of the night if you aren't with him

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skeledarling · 3 days

Text

Was watching Supersize vs Superskinny and had to stop, made me feel like I was gonna cry because they were pointing out how ill/at risk the underweight girl was and I literally want to cry because I actually want to make myself feel that way. I want to make myself physically unwell and that honestly scared the shit out of me, like I've actually confronted the fact that I really am disordered. Im not diagnosed, but holy fuck, you don't aspire to be less than 7st without having something seriously fucking wrong

#th1nsp1ration #4norexla #⭐️ve #th1gh g@p #@nor3×14 #thin$po #th1n$pø #⭐️rving #tw thinspi #supersize vs superskinny

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worldwidewebzy · 3 months

Text

REGRETEVATOR HEADCANONS BOOOOO SCARY

Pest LOVES taxidermy, especially rouge taxidermy. Its a special interest of theirs and they've even tried some of it themselves. He's pretty good at it!!

Poob also likes taxidermy!! Though the specific process you have to do makes poob very squeamish and sick and icky,, (that being said poob IS NOT a uwu soft enby bean, they could kick ur ass lmao)

Poobians as a whole, are the embodiments of joy, happiness, and FUN!!!!!! They thrive off envoirments with high morale and general good vibes. Their population dwindles when said elements are scarce. If a poobian's mental health is hurt in anyway, that poobian's mental health will directly correspond to their physical health, causing the poobian to fall ill.

If a poobian falls to much into their pit of despair, they can "metamorphize" into a party pooper. Party poopers are the antithesis to poobians, thriving off of despair, sadness, and turmoil. Party poopers aren't inherently evil, but their nihilistic and melancholic nature can cause party pooper communities to be.. Not the healthiest space for anybody to be in.

Party poopers can remorph themselves into a poobian, but that requires extensive mental health intervention for that to happen. Depending on how much despair is in a party pooper, recovery can take as long as years.

To avoid this, poobians are a very social species. Full of many support systems ready to help any poobian! Though unfortunately, toxic positivity has been prevalent in some poobian societies. And there's a silent, but all to painful ableism riddled in poobian society as a whole.

Every poobian smells like their favorite food!

Pest has an EXTREMELY hard time empathizing, thanks to her undiagnosed aspd, npd, and autism. They also have an hard time realizing the concept of consequence and law. (this is pretty much canon expect for the autism part iirc but yeagh)

Gnarpy has IBS. Xe seem like a IBS girlie (gender neutral) to me do yuo understand

Poob HATES gender reveal parties with a passion.

mannequin mark and wallter... Do you hear me..

Gregoriah basks in light like a lizard

OK split pilby YURI SWAGGERR!!!

HOLY SHIT you guys have no idea how cornily, unconditionally, atrociously lovesick pilby is for split and i mean it

This dude's catapiller antennae form into hearts just thinking about split, absolutely cartoonishly in love with her.

They like having silly picnics where they eat apples and bananas (pilby looooves apples) go bird watching and just have a gay ol' time...

When they were first starting to know eachother pilby wrote """"anonymous""""" love letters to split, the letters in question were painfully obviously writen by them and it made split laugh and giggle. She didnt tell pilby that she knew they wrote those letters until after pilby confessed their love to them. That made pilby all bright red it was adorable

The confession in question was pilby performing a musical number about all the stored feelings they've been hiding for split all told through song and... It didn't go how pilby wanted to and kind of failed, but split still was genuinely blown away by it. She cheered pilby up when they commented how "bad" it was and kissed them on the forehead....... <33

Infected has a friend thats minecraft youtuber and yes they have a dubstep channel intro for it yknow the ones..

Gnarpy's form is a facade, like how invader zim has a human disguise. It acts like a shield, keeping gnarpy's (surprisingly frail) true form safe in a non gnarpian envoirment. It's designed to be conventionally "cute" to ward off suspicion, and increase trustworthyness.

Gnarpian govermentals are planning on making upgraded versions of these facades. Making them more unassuming. They're even planning "human" looking facades. It's fucking scary

mannequin mark and wallter make lampert together like constructed a child. Building blueprints AAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! hashtag yaoi swagger

MICHE IS A DRAG QUEEN HE IS A DRAG QUEEN

Miche is also swagapino and black as a people SWAG

Also miche isn't actually a cat he's very much like... Hes cat adjacent but his fangs are like the whiskers if a cat fish LIKE

The elevator has existed for as long as existence itself. Nobody runs it as the elevator itself is technically an living organism

Bive exists in quantum super position. She simultaneously exists in both FNARB, and the funny maze, it's only until a player enters either floor is where she stop existing in this superposition. Kinda like Schrödinger's cat. Schrödinger's conspiracy theorist

Bive is built like she was designed by dr suess

Unlike a red teddy, reddy is very much full of love :)

#Webzy ramblez #Regretevator #IM NOT TAGGING THE CHAARSTCERS 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#// ableism mention #Long post #Headcanon

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punkboyjack · 5 months

Text

The shit lie of SRS in Iran

So it's a something stuck in my brain ( and my life ) that I think people need to know about it is the thing about LGBTQ+ people in Iran especially T because I'm trans and it's little too much complicated in iran

Bing trans in Iran has some benefits in look but it's a lie

We are known as mentally ill people

We have the same problems as any other LGBTQ+ person in the world but with a higher rate

Most of the time, they give strong psychedelic drugs and hormones to trans children ( or just LGBT childrens )

And I was so paranoid about it that I wouldn't take any of the psychiatrists' pills when I was depressed (my parents don't know that I just got better somehow and no one doubt about it)

The Iranian government also monitors online transgender communities, often subjecting them to censorship, and police routinely arrest trans people

Unfortunately most Iranian parents like boys so trans woman's are badly treated almost 92% of trans women in Iran faced verbal or emotional violence and over 70% had faced physical violence

And the rate of murder and attempted suicide among trans people in Iran is high (mostly trans women).

and that really sad bcz one of the trans woman's that a used to know have Ben send to who knows where for the military training by her dad because ( HE was not man enough)

1_pre surgery is hell : we go on a all girl / all boy schools and I think it's like Catholic schools over there

And people don't respect us we mostly have problem finding friends we don't have the From the social point of view, it is almost impossible to identify ourselves as transgender because the government has strictly separated men and women. I didn't really know what my problem was until I was 13 years old

Worst and most important part is telling our parents that we are trans and they should support us because all the work of the license is done with the consent of the family ( I'm so lucky about my parents by the way so good for me but holy fuck who made that rule in the first place)

2_ the surgery is chipper here (it's a lie ) -> we spent Soo much money and time ( and mental health) on permission to do surgery and people who do this surgeries are not even have expertise in this work And they have long-term side effects that are not good at all

first submitted to a long and invasive process

including virginity tests ( idk whyyy)

formal parental approval ( I told you)

, psychological ( it's just the worst part you can't imagine how terrible this psychologists are ),

inspection by the Family Court ( like a god damn criminal )

If we don do the SRS we are basically nothing to them and Thay don't give a fuck about us unless we did something wrong or something and then we are basically dead as hell

Like let's say you are a heterosexual trans men who don't want to do a surgery and you have girlfriend who loves you and respect's you

Will no you don't you are just a lesbian to them and will if they found out what's between your legs you and your gf are going to be executed I'm not joking

3_After surgery, is hard as hell : discrimination, from the law, the state, and from the people around us

Given the lowest quality of hormone therapy, we usually do not have reliable sources for it . Surgery under the hands of non-specialists causes dangerous side effects, and if we are imprisoned, we will no longer get hormones

And not so fun fact : Most of the gay people in Iran are recognized as transgender and they have to tell us about the process because otherwise they will be executed. For the government, changing their gender of poor gay people shows a better face than killing them

And yeah rest of your gay life you are just unfortunate person stuck in a person of your own body

Bruh I read it all over and I'm not even close to the realty it's too much

#free iran #iran #trans #trans boy #transgender #trans girl #transmasc #trans man #LGBT #LGBTQ #queer #trans woman #trans pride #gay

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jupitercomet · 1 year

Note

I'm not sure this makes sense, but it's a thought. In the boxer AU, it seems like Toots and Angel seem to be fairly used to the boxing scene, but Sweet Pea isn't (at least that's what I gathered). So imagine Bob loses a fight or maybe he is just more battered up than usual and Sweet Pea cries and he kisses away her tears and then in return she kisses his bruises and makes sure he's taken care of.

Sorry I keep blowing up your inbox by the way I'm just excited about your writing.

-🌻

oof, this was so interesting to think about!! I'm sensing that Bob is becoming a fan favorite but honestly I can't blame you guys (also I just realized this is gonna be my last fic of 2022 and now I'm feeling a little soft thinking about how wonderful you've all made this past year for me)

warnings: language, mentions of violence, mentions injuries, one mention of knives, sweet pea has a panic attack, many mentions of blood

“Holy shit!”

The light to the kitchen flickers on and your heart skips about ten beats. Bob’s head snaps to you from where he’s standing over the kitchen sink, a bruised hand holding up the fabric of his shirt as the other presses a cold compress on his ribs. Unlike your previous reaction of a sudden expletive, this time when he looks at you, all that’s pulled from your lips is a pained gasp.

“Bob…”

His bottom lip is swollen, as is the skin underneath his right eye. Dried blood has smeared and cracked under his nose, the burgundy red hue only a few shades darker than the purplish red of the rest of his face. His knuckles are split, his lip is split, he looks like he can hardly see through his swollen eye, and he’s breathing very clearly out of his mouth which means that something has to be wrong with his nose.

“I didn’t know you were here, sweet pea,” Bob drops his shirt quickly, as if the action will magically erase his injuries, wincing when his body protests the movement. “I thought you were staying at your place tonight.”

If you could, you’d tell him that, actually, you’d both agreed you’d spend the night tonight. That, actually, Bob was supposed to have texted you and been home several hours earlier. That, actually, you had been worried sick about him the whole night because he always leaves you in the dark.

But you can’t. Not when Bob looks like that. Not when he looks like a physical representation of all your worst fears.

“Bobby…” You have to bite your lip to stop it from quivering.

Bob takes a step towards you and you take one back. Because if he’s in front of you — if he touches you — that means it’s real. That this isn’t some sick, terrible dream that you’ll wake up from to find Bob sleeping beside you, safe and sound.

A look of hurt flashes through Bob’s eyes, but he shakes it off, trying to turn his busted lips up into a small smile. “Looks worse than it is, I promise. Doesn’t even hurt.”

You shake your head, your throat feeling thick as you try to swallow. Your nose feels slightly itchy and you’re getting that tingling sensation at the back of your jaw that makes you think you’re going to cry. Because you hate that. You hate that he’s used to that.

“Can you talk to me, sweet girl?” Bob begs you quietly.

His bottom lip has started bleeding again from him moving his mouth so much and it’s enough to pull you from your stupor. You clear your throat, collecting yourself as you hastily wipe a rogue tear from your cheek.

“Sorry, I—” You can’t finish, instead making a beeline for the first-aid kit Bob left open on the countertop. “We should take care of those.”

It’s silent as you tend to Bob, patching him to the best of your ability and trying not to feel physically ill at the amount of blood you’re cleaning off of him. Each time you’re moving his skin to clean it, it’s reopening a cut somewhere else and you're back to cleaning blood in an endless cycle. You go back to each wordlessly, trying to pretend that you can’t see Bob staring at you. You can’t bring yourself to meet his eye. If you do you’ll break, you’re sure of it.

Bob clears his throat softly when you're finished, watching as you get off your knees and close the first-aid kit. “Sweet pea—”

“You should shower. Or change at the very least,” you cut him off with an even tone.

You can feel Bob’s hesitance without even having to look at him, but he doesn’t argue, exiting the kitchen after a moment of contemplation. It’s only once he’s left that you can let out a shaky exhale. You need to pull yourself together. This is Bob’s life, it’s unrealistic to think that he’ll win every fight. That he’ll never get hurt. He doesn’t need you crying over him like he’s incapable of making his own life decisions. Like he’s someone you pity. You need to figure out how to get over this.

Because it’ll happen again.

You look down and your stomach lurches. Some of Bob’s blood is on your hands. Some of Bob’s blood is on your hands. It’s not even that much, probably just from when you were cleaning the cuts on his face and lips, but you’re running to the kitchen sink, unable to take your eyes off your shaking fingers.

The faucet is on full blast and you can hardly regulate your breathing, your breath going in and out like sharp knives. You need to get it off — it’s not coming off. You can’t stop a choked sob from slipping past your lips, your hands rubbing each other raw because you can’t make this feeling go away. The water’s so hot that steam is emanating from it, but you hardly feel it, unable to stop scrubbing.

The faucet is turned off suddenly and a gentle hand is turning you around and guiding you into Bob’s embrace. You hadn’t heard him come back to the kitchen, his clothes swapped for a soft t-shirt and sweatpants, and you wonder how much time has passed for that to have happened.

Bob wraps his hands around your shoulders as you cry into his chest. He shushes you with soft sounds of comfort, pressing several kisses to the top of your head. “I know, sweet girl.”

“Bobby,” your breath is ragged as your fingers shake against the fabric of his shirt. “My hands.”

You feel like you’re repeating those two words over and over again. My hands. My hands. Bob seems to understand though, gently prying them from between you and pressing kisses all along your fingers and knuckles.

“They’re all clean, sweet pea,” he soothes. “All clean, I promise.”

It takes several seconds before you actually have the courage to check, lifting from Bob slightly. He’s still holding your hands, your wet and slightly tender hands, but there’s no blood on them anymore.

“All clean,” he repeats.

You nod weakly, unable to take your eyes off your fingers.

“Hey,” Bob’s looking at you lovingly when you meet his gaze, giving your hand a small squeeze with his own battered one. “I’m okay.”

Before you can stop yourself, one of your hands is reaching up to his face, feather-light against his injured cheek. “You’re— You’re okay?”

“I’m okay,” Bob confirms, beginning to sway you both slowly. “Just gotta hold my girl for a while, that’s all I need.”

#bob floyd blurb #bob floyd x sweet pea #sweeter than sugar #under the hard deck #buggy's got a pen

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samuwhal · 1 year

Text

We need to change how we talk about self-help techniques.

By self-help techniques, I’m talking about: grounding, mindfulness, meditation, breathing exercises, physical activity, and--the big one--yoga. I have struggled with my mental health since I was fifteen, and just now, I am realizing how much these things can actually help. I am almost twenty-six years old, and I will have been in therapy for ten years this fall. Let me tell you, I have spent so much of that time renouncing these tools. Recently, though I’ve realized that: holy shit, they can really work...but man they are offered to struggling people in the worst possible light.

TL;DR: Just because suggestions about ways to manage mental illness are framed as “you have to try it or you want to be sick” doesn’t mean that they can’t actually work or that you are invalidating yourself by trying or being helped by them. Featuring personal anecdotes and a boat metaphor.

I know I am not alone in that the idea of these techniques and exercises just made my skin crawl. They made me feel vulnerable in a way which really scared me, they felt impossible to initiate in the moments needed most, and--ultimately--they felt incredibly diminutive. Think about it: people getting sucked into rapids will drown cursing your name if all you do is insist they have to “ride the wave.” “Fuck you.”

When I began taking anti-depressants, it was not without a fight. I’m lucky; my parents were willing and able to put me in therapy as soon as I asked. But with medication, they were concerned it was a shortcut, that I would be on pills for the rest of my life, and that the chemicals would change me and do “the work” for me, as if this was an issue of character development and not brain malfunction. Why wouldn’t I just do something relaxing when I was upset? Why wasn’t I leaning more into my spirituality? Why wasn’t I letting anything else help me?

And that’s the problem! I tried to explain that I would be able to use those techniques easier if medication brought my overall symptoms down. You wouldn’t expect me to paddle upstream against a tsunami, but I could feasibly make progress against a strong current. Even at that point, if I go over rapids, I want a fucking life jacket, not somebody with their feet firmly planted on the riverbank shouting, “Try yoga!” Though I of course continued therapy in addition to medicine, I still resisted any advice having to do with self-help because of that sentiment.

To be clear, I’m still very pro-medication and for eliminating that stigma. Really, though, when somebody is having such debilitating symptoms--emotions--that they feel like they are getting pulled underwater and gasping for air, it’s not fair that the solution could be something as effortless as breathing in while counting until it’s better. That sounds like bullshit. Mental illness physically hurts, but to outsiders, it’s all in your head, and it would be fine if only you could step back and appreciate how good you have it. If “mindfulness” works, then maybe those people are right, and that can’t be true. It hurts too much to be true.

However, I want you to know that your struggles won’t be any less legitimate if something simple actually does end up helping. I have two stories here:

1. Last year, after wanting to start for ages, I finally began exercising: just going to the gym a couple of times a week. My goal was only to feel better in my body, not really to do anything for myself mentally. I even hired a personal trainer to write work-out routines for me to follow, both to hold myself accountable (I won’t skip if I’m paying someone) and just so I wouldn’t be totally lost the second I walked in. But I have felt so many unexpected mental benefits, as well:

Getting my heart rate and breathing elevated--and continuing to exert myself through it--has kept me steadier when anxiety starts to set in. I feel more confident knowing that I can lift heavy things, run distances, and because I did something productive. I’m not stress or bored-eating, not necessarily because I’m afraid I’ll “put the calories back,” but because I’m simply more regulated. I have been sleeping better since pushing my muscles has reduced my lower back pain. I don’t procrastinate showering if I’ve just gotten back from the gym. When I sit down to schoolwork, I focus easier if I had exercised. Something something endorphins. I know I’m starting to sound like a “bro,” but the point is that these are huge benefits to exercising that just don’t get mentioned by the people crudely suggesting that it will fix your depression.

2. A couple of months ago, I was having a bad night, and the “don’t believe any negative thoughts about yourself after 10 p.m.” rule had gone out the window. I did what many of us have taught ourselves to do and asked for a lifeline: I texted my girlfriend in the same room (because vocalizing it was too hard) asking if she would come over to sit with me. I didn’t even realize I was having an anxiety attack, but she did. At first, I felt too frozen and in-pain when she asked me to sit up from clutching the fetal position. Instrumentally, though, she said that she wanted to help, but I had to help myself, too. She was throwing me a ring, but I had to swim and meet her halfway. I sat up.

She held me and led me through a “find five things in the room” exercise, and fuck me: it helped. No, I wasn’t cured. I’m still not. But this broke my self-destructive loop, and I was able to go to sleep relaxed. This was an epiphany for me. I could have provided myself this tool, this comfort, the entire ten years I’ve been dealing with this shit! Instead, I’ve just been enduring it, hoping against everything pulling me down that--instead of drowning--I’ll eventually kick the riverbed where it’s shallow enough to stand.

When self-help techniques are offered to mentally ill people, they tend to be used as a “gotcha:” you could easily be better, if only you wanted to try. To be completely fair, this isn’t always the meaning. However, it only takes a couple of those microaggressions to ensure you shut down when your therapist or a concerned loved one asks if you've tried "grounding” before.

Please, take it from me: these tools aren’t just leaky arm floats that people who never even needed to learn how to swim offer just to feel better as they watch you struggle. They are a life jacket to keep you afloat when you tip, a wider paddle to outrun the rapids, a better rudder and tiller so you can actually steer, a bailing bucket for when things get dicey, or pontoons so you won’t tip so readily. Trying self-help techniques doesn’t disclaim what you’re going through, they just might make it more bearable.

And you’re worth that.

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crippled-peeper · 7 months

Note

other cripples: "hey the way people talk about mental illness in cripplepunk spaces makes me feel unwelcome in a place that should be there for me, because while I am physically disabled I find that the mental illnesses also cause serious problems with my quality of life and ableism, and having those problems not only dismissed but actively mocked makes the community feel unsafe for me to be in." morg: "ABLEBODIEDS ABLEDS THE ABLEBODIEDS ARE COMING TO INFILTRATE OUR HOLY LAND I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL THESE ABLEBODIEDS WITH ADHD KEEP HARASSING ME JUST BECAUSE I KEEP CALLING THEM ABLEBODIED AND ALSO THE PEOPLE THAT GO AND ACCUSE THEM OF FAKING THEIR DISABILITY AND THREATENING TO "CRIPPLE THEM FOR REAL" HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME DESPITE ME SAYING THAT EXACT THING EVERY SINGLE DAY AND REGULARLY TALKING ABOUT SPECIFIC PEOPLE TO GO HARASS, THE ABLEBODIEDS OHHH OOOOH"

absolutely nobody said you aren’t allowed to talk about being neurodivergent in addition to “being a cripple” we literally just said that to be a cripple you have to be physically disabled, you complete fucking dumbass

we have literally talked about my suicide attempt, my friends suicide attempts, and the ways we get physically abused in psychiatric care because of our physical disabilities

just because someone said “ADHD doesn’t paralyze you” doesn’t mean you get to just make shit up and scream your fucking head off in my inbox with your completely made up bullshit and outrage

if you honest to god feel this threatened by a quadriplegic man with a blog then please log off and spend some time in the real world you complete fucking lunatic

#shit yourself and die etc #ableism #stay mad you stupid shrieking bitch nobody is gonna take you more seriously because you spam my inbox with your hysterical bullshit #get the fuck out of my face you disgusting pile of shit

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bizlybebo · 2 months

Note

please use this ask to scream at me when you finish season 1 💜

I want to see your reactions

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUH HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HIOLY HSIT.

god. so.

i finished season one at like 1am and it fucking tore me apart. i sat in silence and just stared at the wall for a HOT minute. i couldn't actually comprehend wtf i just witnessed.

and holy fuck i have some WORDS

first off.

ASHE WINTERS WHAT THE FUCK ASHE WINTERS HO YMGOD ASHE WINTERS I LOVE ASHE WINTERS MORETHAN ANYTHING ON THIS STUPID FUCKING GODFORSAKEN PLNET. SHES. SO. :((((((((((((((((((

ASHE WINTERS AND DAKOTA COLE/?? TLIKESRERJKHTAWKJR THEY WRE LITERLALY IN LOVE.

HOLY FUCK THE IMPACT THAT THIS IS GOING TO HAVE ON DAKOTA??

AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON WAVELENGTH. MARK LITERALLY LOST EVERYTHING. HIS SON. HIS FREEDOM. LIKE. WHAT THE FUCK. HOLY UFCK WHAT THE FUCK

IT'S SUCH A SUDDEN ENDING AND I LOVE/HATE IT SO MUCH. HOW SUDDEN THE LOSS IS MAKES IT FEEL THAT MUCH MORE REAL

BUT HOLY FUCK ASHEEEE. SHE MADE HTE GREATEST SACRFIICEEEEEEEEEE OH YM GODDDDDD. I GET PHYSICALLY ILL THINKING ABOUT HER. LITERALLY I WAS TELLING SAMMY THE OTHER NIGHT THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT ASHE WINTERS WHILE LISTENING TO A SAD SONG AND NEARLY THREW UP. SHES SUCH A BEAUTIFULLY PUT TOGETHER CHARACTER SHES SO FUCKING. AUTHENTIC. MY HEART BROKE A THOUSAND TIMES OVER.

THE TRICKSTER?? SO FUCKING METAL.

ASHE GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO SAVE HER FRIENDS.

SHE GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO SAVE HER FRIEDNSSSSS

SHE NEVER HAD FRIENDS BEFOREEEEE

SHE LOVED THEEEEMMM

THEY CARED ABOUT HER THEY CARED ABOUT HER THEY CARED ABOUT HER

SHE USED THE THING SHE HATED MOST ABOUT HERSELF TO SAVE EVERYBODY. SHE CARRIED HER GRIEF AROUND, LITERALLY. SHE HAD A PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF HER GRIEF IN THAT ONE PAGE OF HER BOOK, THE TRICKSTER. IT WAS ALWAYS IN HER POCKET. SHE COULD NEVER LET GO OF HER PAST CAN YOU HEAR MEEEEEEE

"IM TRYING."

"TRY HARDER."

AND SHE DID. SHE GAVE IT HER ALL.

SHEEE TRUSTED THEMMMM. SHE TRUSTED THE PRIME DEFENDERS TO TAKE CARE OF WHATEVER WAS TO COME FROM THIS.

AND WILLAIM TRIED TO BURN HER BOOK AUUAOGOUAHGOUAHGOU IM GONNA MAKE A SEPARATE POST SOON JUST ABOUT THAT BECAUSE OAOOAOOAGAGAGAGAUGHAUGAKRTEJRK HO,Y. FUCK OH MYOGD

AND DONT. GET. ME. STARTED. ON. WILLIAM. WISP.

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

HE DIED. HE DIED AND HE CAME BACK AND HE JUST. HAS TO LIVE WITH THAT. AOGUHOAUGHAOUGHOAUGHA

AND. AUGHUHUHUHUGAHGUAHUGHUAGUHAGU HIM AND VYNCENT. FUCK I LOVE GHOSTKNIFE THEY MAKE ME SO HOMOPHOBIC.

DAKOTA COLE IS MY SHINING STAR HE IS ALL THAT IS BEAUTIFUL IN THIS WORLD AUHGUAHUUGHUG. FUCK

HE IDOLIZES HEROES SO GREATLY BUT THEY KEEP FAILING HIM. AND HES STARTING TO GET ANGRY. HES STARTING TO GET ANGRY BEACUSE HIS IDOLS WERE THERE. HIS IDOLS WERE THERE BUT THEY WERE TOO LATE. THEY SHOWED UP A MINUTE LATER, NOT A MINUTE BEFORE, THE WAY HEROES SHOULD.

AND OUGH. HOUOUUH. HIS BACKSTORY. FUCK

HE. HE. I CANT EVEN TALK ABOUT HIM I CANT PUT HIM INTO WORDS (SLASH VERY AFFECTIONATE AND POSITIVE)

"BUT I WASN'T DC BACK THEN."

"I CAN BARELY EVEN REMEMBER HER NAME. BUT I REMEMBER HER FACE."

"SHE WAS JUST A KID, TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM SOMETHING TOO."

DO YOU KNOW WHA TTHIS MEANS TO EMEEEE. WHAT HEEE MEANS TO MEEEEEEE. ADKOTA COLEEEEE. BOUCNING HIM AROUND IN MY BRAIN FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER

NEVER BEFORE HAS A CAMPAIGN MADE ME FEEL. SO MUCH. HERATBREAK AND LAUGHTER AND LOVE AND ANGUISH AND JOY.

IM IN PHYSICAL PAIN SLASH POSITIVE. THEYRE. SO. :((((

AND GOD. DEMONKICKS. FUCKCKKKCK THEY WERE IN LOVEEEEE THEY WERE IN LOVE THEY WERE IN LOVEEE

the final 40 minutes of s1 ep24 tore me apart.

absolutely nothing was resolved, but there was so little time left.

and then ashe pulled out that book, and the trickster was out, and ashe was waning, but there were only 5 minutes left.

and she was gone.

she is gone.

ashe winters is fucking gone and im actually going to cry aagain

#i literally havent gotten past episode 1 of the second season because im still so attached to season 1 #like waht the fuck #vixen rambles #vixen answers #jrwi #jrwi pd

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moonflowerdamie · 2 years

Text

i’m super bored so i’m gonna rate stranger things ships! buckle in folks, let’s get into it😎

•mileven—4/10•

it’s ok ig. i’m not like a hater of it? but it’s definitely not a great ship. no hate to mileven stans, it’s just not for me. i liked them in season 1 and 2, but it got toxic and weird in season 3 and season 4 solidified my disdain for it. i think mike needs to do some self-reflection (maybe discover a few things about himself—michael wheeler i know what you are) and i think el needs to become her own person outside of her relationship with him. i wholeheartedly support the el/mike exes-to-besties agenda though!

•jopper—8/10•

they’re so cute oml, i shipped them since season 1 and their build-up and eventual payoff was immaculate! i loved their early season tension and their kiss in season 4 was so so good. they fit so well together. they don’t get 10/10 only because a) i LOVED bob and joyce in season 2 more than life and will forever mourn that joyous man and b) i kinda loved the whole single grumpy father figure/lonely teenage daughter dynamic el and hop had.

•lumax—10/10•

this ship. this goddamn ship. the hurt/comfort. the angst. the teasing. the SOULMATISM of it all. seriously, these two are meant for each other. lucas is max’s safe place, her happiest memory and her favourite escape. max is lucas’ sunshine, his wake-up call, his reason to try. i didn’t use to love them, in fact it was only since season 4 that i’ve been such an avid shipper of them but god. they really are the softest. ‘i like talking with you, mad max’ and ‘i’m still here’ and ‘lucas!’ and the notes and the snowball and holy shit i love them sm.

•byler—7/10•

this is with the exception of season 2 byler, which gets 10/10 (‘crazy together’ oh my god). apart from that, i get the hype for it, but i also want the best for my lil ball of fruity sunshine will byers. he is my baby boy and i will protect him. and i just think that mike needs to do some growing up before he’s ready to be with will. also, i’ve never loved mike as a character (again, with the exception of s1 and 2 mike, he was a sweetie) and i think he’d end up hurting will if they got together at this point. in the future, if mike can prove that he’s matured and grown into himself, i will wholeheartedly support this relationship.

•jancy—6/10•

again, it’s ok. i did love them in season 2, but season 1 jonathan was a creep, and season 3 jancy just didn’t do it for me. jonny boy has grown on me over the seasons, but i think everybody moved on from him taking nakey nakey pictures of nancy without her knowledge wayyyyy too quickly. also, they just want different things in life and that’s ok! i do prefer them over stancy, but if i’m honest, i am absolutely a lesbian nancy supporter. the comphet on that woman is insane. so again, like mileven, i am a nancy/jonathan exes-to-besties advocate!

•stancy—4/10•

they were not it in season 4. like, it made me angry that the duffers tried to push it on us again. i did sort of like them in the early seasons, but steve was a jerk and nancy needed to grow into herself and they went their separate ways for the better. steve became a good person and nancy became the strong, independent badass woman we all know and love. i love them as friends and co-babysitters of the kids, but not as lovers. their arcs wouldn’t have happened without their break-up, and they’re both so different as people that getting back together would’ve been like going backwards. steve’s speech about kids in the van made me physically ill with how a) out of character it was and b) how the duffer brothers tried to make it seem like pushing out 6 kids and living the suburban american dream (read: nightmare) was something nancy would want, when she’s spent 3 seasons displaying an obvious disgust for that kind of life. if they get back together in s5 i’ll be throwing something at the tv.

•elmax—9/10•

they. are. so. cute. i love this ship sm, it’s so wholesome and soft. it just works as well—el allows max to explore her own kindness, her own vulnerability, her own ability to care, and max allows el to explore her own identity, what makes her happy, how to be independent. season 3 elmax was superior, but that scene in s4 where they reunite is utterly breathtaking—‘if you touch her again, i will kill you again’ protective gfs!! honestly, if i wasn’t such a lumax shipper i’d be all in for them. as it is, my motto is currently this: max has two hands! one for el and one for lucas :)

•madwheeler—1/10•

no. just no. these two actively dislike each other lmao. max is perpetually annoyed by mike’s existence and mike thinks max is like, the worst. they couldn’t even do enemies to lovers because max would steal mike’s gf in a heartbeat and would probably rather eat glass than kiss michael wheeler. they only get 1 point because finn and sadie have a sweet friendship.

•eddsy—6/10•

they would’ve been cute tbh. and since it’s been discovered that chrissy is actually 18 instead of 16, it’s not a weird one either. when i thought she was 16 i was put off, but now i’m sort of neutral on it. that scene in the woods was very sweet and her and eddie totally could have had the whole popular cheerleader gf/metalhead nerdy bf thing going on. however, it was only one episode they were in together and the ship was never one i was like ‘oh my god i love this’ so. i will say that grace van dien does not deserve the hate she gets for shipping them, especially when joseph quinn gets none of it for the same thing. other than that, it’s not massively awesome but it’s pretty cute.

•willel—0/10•

if you ship this, seek help. they are siblings.

•henclair—4/10•

they could be cute ig, but i just see them as besties. add in the fact that lumax is one of my fav ships and dustin and suzie are super cute and this ship is just sort of meh to me.

•duzie—7/10•

very sweet. nerd gf/geek bf. ‘never-ending story’ was a cultural reset and they’re both icons for it. honestly, not a ship that rocked my world but they are super cute so. 7 points.

•rockie—7/10•

at this point i just want robin to have a gf. just let maya hawke kiss a woman on this show. at first, i was super excited for these 2, but then i saw the way miss buckley looked at nancy wheeler and i was like ‘vickie who?’ (i see you duffer brothers). also, vickie’s whole character felt like a diversity box tick. like she had no originality whatsoever, they just made her a carbon copy of robin which pissed me off. however, i see the potential. i would not be unhappy if they had a fleshed out, well-developed relationship in s5. especially since vickie, a bi girl, is being played by amybeth mcnulty, a bi queen.

•steddie—5/10•

ok. so. i don’t hate this ship. i really don’t. in fact, i’ve written them in some of my ronance fics. i think they could’ve been cute. however. they hype for these two was so overdone and the way people treated them in comparison to more fleshed out, developed dynamics like ronance was really annoying. especially because the majority of steddie shippers are straight women who then deny that ronance could ever happen. the ship itself was ok, but if i’m being realistic, they didn’t have that many scenes together and the fandom of this ship ruined it for me. the fact that the majority of fics in the ronance tag on ao3 are steddie with background ronance really grinds my fucking gears, and the amount of people who are fetishising steddie because they’re both attractive men is just so fucking irritating. overall, not a bad ship but a fairly toxic fandom (not all of you, of course—chill steddie shippers are cool, but some of y’all, jesus christ)

•harringrove—1/10•

awful, awful ship. no. don’t ship steve with the racist abuser just because they’re both semi-attractive white men. only gets a point because of joe keery’s fruity (not assuming his sexuality, just joking about his actions) behaviour towards dacre montgomery.

•stobin—0/10•

robin buckley. is. a LESBIAN. she’s GAY. SHE LIKES WOMEN AND WOMEN ONLY. if you ship these two romantically, i can only assume you’re a homophobic asshole who deserves sand thrown in their eyes. unapologetically, if you ship steve and robin as a couple, i hope you slip in the shower, motherfucker.

•stonathan—2/10•

i mean, it’s not the worst??? but again, i think it’s people shipping them just because they’re two white men who talked to each other. like, did y’all forget that steve literally called jonathan a slur? and that they tried to beat the shit out of each other? i don’t hate it the way i hate harringrove, but it’s so so unlikely and i’d be so puzzled if it ever was even hinted at.

•murray/alexei—6/10•

these two would’ve been cute. and i do think murray is gay, and probably did have a little thing for alexei. i don’t know about alexei but they were definitely cute friends. and i was so betrayed and upset by his death. a fairly good ship, no complaints from me.

and finally…

•ronance—1284028/10😌🥹😍•

the best ship. for nancy, for robin, for the show, for ever. they mean the world to me. they are the world to me. if i had one wish, it would be for ronance to be canon. they make me so fucking emotional because i want what they have. as someone who so heavily relates to robin (chaotic lonely lesbian who is desperate for love but feels she may never be loved as much as she loves, possibly autistic and feels destined to be an annoyance to those around her) i want a nancy. i want to be loved in my entirety. and those two, they get each other. sure, robin irritated nancy at first and they didn’t get on, but they grew. nancy, who’s never had anyone listen to her and believe in her with such intent, finds robin, who is more than willing to, who thinks ‘nancy’s a genius’ and would follow her anywhere. robin, who thinks all she can ever be is helpless and annoying, finds nancy, who trusts her with her life, who picks her and picks her and keeps picking her, who thinks she’s just as smart as she actually is, who understands her needs and her vulnerabilities and validates her, tells her ‘it’s ok’ and ‘you got this’. these two work in a way no other ship does and they are so undeniably soulmates. they need each other. they want each other. they deserve each other. there’s a reason i write about them so much—holy shit honestly i love them so fucking much.

anyways, that got a lot longer than i thought it would! i hope you guys enjoyed my ramblings haha :)

#stranger things #ronance #robin buckley #nancy wheeler #stranger things s4 #robin buckley x nancy wheeler #robin x nancy #stancy #jancy #mileven #byler #lumax #elmax #jopper #steddie #rockie #eddsy

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