#it really eased my anxiety about this

[somuchbetterthanthat]

truly feel like after a certain age at the VERY LEAST Anxiety should disappear. Like, okay, you've been anxious and depressed since you were oh, right, 13 is that it? more or less. So that means your sentence is over. Welcome to the fun 30s. No more of that!

and yet

#personal #i truly believed that for like. the two months leading up to my 30th birthday #i was so at ease with turning 30 #and then yknow. anxiety attack on your birthday party; then another year of waves of depression and anxiety in turn #and now i'm here #god i hate being here #the lies we tell ourselves about progress mmh. #but really tho. yeah your knees are going to hurt even MORE but hey! no constant diffused anxiety about everything that stops you #from being a normal human being #win/win!

[bitchapalooza]

Researching ocd for yourself is hard to do when you’re barely sure of who yourself even is 🥴

#some more outwardly stuff really do coincide with ocd that it’s made me wonder on and off #about it for the past 6ish years #but I’m mostly concerned with my intrusive thoughts #they make me sick to my stomach sometimes and I really wanna find out the source of em #I know intrusive thoughts are normal but at what point #is it considered ocd related? is there treatment to help to ease the anxiety they often give? #idk I’m just trying to help myself feel more at ease… #talkies

[orowyrm]

in spirit i am lying facedown on the floor rn. in reality i have pokefarm dailies to complete

#i needed to get back into a petsite of some sort to ease the pain of living . sorry #but uhm. had a really tough convo w/ my supervisor today .. it went well but the anxiety leading up to it #and the fact that i spent pretty much the entire time fighting for my life to hold in tears #has left me utterly exhausted in its wake #it wasnt anything bad btw dont worry. i wanted to #clear the air and communicate w/ her about my uh. current home situation #because unfortunately ive been hashtag triggered as fuck lately at work and wanted to make sure it wasnt like #coming off the wrong way or anyone was thinking they were doing naything wrong. like theyre fine im just #constantly at the anxiety levels of a deer that just heard a twig snap lately #she was soooooo nice and understnading about it though. god i love this job

[butyoudowanttowrestle]

“not to be insane but-“ *expresses a normal emotion i feel shame for*

#my twenties tag #this about the fact that after being thoroughly fucked over by an ex best friend i have remembered to delete her birthday from my calendar #reminders and made sure to create better and more effective reminders for the birthdays of all my friends she got weird and jealous about #because she’s a ducking child who resented that i had more than one close friend #she really thought i’d feel guilty but baby girl… i am THOROUGH i am DETAILED. i removed you on every social platform including costar when #it finally sunk in that you really didn’t give a shit about me #the ease with which i removed her from my life because the only thing she was regularly contributing was fucking stress and anxiety #sorry babe! it’s very easy to live without you because you were mostly a fucking asshole who made me feel guilty for having functional #friendships and a low social battery

[dazais-guardian-angel]

went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠

#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years #not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion #so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all #but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all. #it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid) #and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable. #but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him #i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted #and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried......... #the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms #i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still #and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :))))) #insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case #i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!) #but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man. #it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/ #why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly??? #while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING??? #if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now #but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃 #shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience #and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over #he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday #and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now. #i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again.. #i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh #(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh) #at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*

[arctic-hands]

I like having joined a book fandom that's still new and fresh cause we get to nerdily bond as we devour a release of a new book in the series and I get to see all the theories and discussions and memes in real time as opposed to years later when everyone else knows how it ends so I have to block the fandom bc of spoilers. It's a feeling I haven't had since a teenager bc as of late I drag my ass into a fandom like a decade after its hayday and miss all the fun stuff

But it sucks ass that I am no longer as weirdly and eerily patient like I was as a child and the nine month wait for Heavenly Tyrant to come out is driving me crazy

#iron widow #no for real i would freak out adults with how calmly and quietly I'd be patiently waiting for something to happen #it's because of the psychotic bipolar making time go past me in hyper time and hours seemed like five minutes to me starting in fourth grade #literally at one point in fourth grade i got sick of time flying for a few weeks that during quiet reading time i just burst out asking #'is time going by really fast for anyone else this year?' no one had any fucking clue what i was talking about lmafo #having a very overactive imagination helped too because even if i was bored while being patient i could entertain myself in my head #i would and still do craft elaborate stories in my head that i have no hope in writing down skilfully #so I'm not very often bored even as an adult #but goddamn am i incredibly less patient now that I'm on an antipsycotic now lol rip #time slowed down and now i have to experience instead of blinking it away #which ngl did ease up my anxiety over dying some day because I'm no longer in a maglev heading towards mortality in a few hours #but i am ridiculously impatient now after spending two thirds of my life experiencing hypertime #trade offs

[xnervouscircus]

oh

that's

oh

i'm

i am legitimately tearing up oh wow

#yeah okay i'm pretty much full-on crying at this #i guess i just assume my writing is the kind of thing you read once and maybe go “that was all right/amusing/evil/stupid” #and proceed to forget about entirely #nothing fucks me up more than people saying they've reread something of mine #IN A GOOD WAY #but yeah it's weird and wild #god i miss writing fanfic #i haven't written much of anything since covid first hit the US #and there's been no fandoms i've been like. IN enough to write for. #and lmao i have literally never not once in my life felt like i could write a good crowley or aziraphale so nope not ruining them. probably #but man i wish i could maybe write some beauyasha or widomauk #and i would love to finish a wangxian or snowbaz fic HOW HAVE I NEVER FINISHED A WANGXIAN OR SNOWBAZ FIC #no taibanis?? no catradoras???? i am a failure #but getting a comment like this. mm. makes the not-writing anxiety ease off a bit. #it's always there and Judging me for not really writing anymore #and yeah i would love to write again. anything. #but at least i wrote something once upon a time and it made some people happy #that's still pretty fucking cool #hope i can share something new someday that might make other people happy too #michele.txt #idk where all this rambling in the tags came from i'm emotional and i miss writing!!!!!!!!!!

[strangerays]

legitimately so sad that work exists and I can’t just sit in the sun for hours and stay up late writing and have the control I did when I was a kid

#girl I am finding out how awful adulthood is #I just want to have some balance so I can spend time w the people I love and still have time to write #but it’s like I always have to pick one or the other #work is so tiring #and I can’t ask for a break rn it’s just not an option #and school starts next week #I’m taking all online courses because I thought it would give me at least some sense of control and ease my anxiety about showing up #man #change just #scares the shit out of me #:( #I just feel panicky this week #writing has always been so important to me over all else my entire life really!!!! #I’m scared to lose connection w that part of myself #it genuinely scares me

[bloodyke]

i hate when you can tell someone has a specific undiagnosed disorder but you can't bring it up to them bc you dont know whether they'll get offended and take it wrong or not.... like i dont mean it in a "you're crazy. freak. get help (insult)" way but in a "hey ive recognized some of the symptoms you're displaying and i think you should go get screened for x bc i know you have been struggling lately" way

#zenith.txt #this happens all the time with autism specifically bc i recognize those symptoms immediately bc of all my research i did to make #my diagnosis binder i could show professionals #this post was brought on bc i have a friend who i believe may have bipolar disorder and i really care about this person and i know that #getting treatment for that will improve their life quite a bit but i dont want them to take it the wrong way if i bring it up....... #i also recognize bipolar symptoms bc that was one of the differental diagnosises i ruled out for myself lmaoo #but yeah idk how to bring it up with them bc i dont wanna seem like im armchair diagnosing and bc bipolar is a 'stigmatized' disorder #maybe one day ill muster up the courage to say something #if you think this is about you its probably not BUT you should still research bipolar anyway to help destigmatize it <3 #knowing the symptoms & how they present in people can be beneficial in helping the people around you & for ruling out your own diagnosises #just to make it clear i dont like vaguing about my friends where they can see it if that eases any anxiety that its about you

[aefensteorrra]

/

#huh moving here really highlighted how much of my anxiety was situational #I suspected that about certain things but not others u know #have just felt so calm. relaxed. at ease #it's just nice lol #I always wanted to move somewhere new completely alone and I'm thankful my bf actually encouraged me to do so when I told him that #cause I *knew* it would be good for me #and really I don't want these 12 months to end

[decembermoonskz]

It’s really hitting me today that ppl really like my work, like, even enough to mention me in their cc recs, and that’s… wild. especially with how out of whack and not active I’ve been in terms of writing, idk I just- thank you so much <3

#izzy.txt★ #tw anxiety mention #tw anxiety #idk I’m just feeling really overwhelmed both in good and bad ways #good bc when I realize that ppl actually enjoy my work or are inspired by me or think highly of me (in terms of writing I mean) that’s crazy #and bad would be just bc I’m overwhelmed and feeling buckets of anxiety due to my final essay and yeah lol #it’s just wild to me bc as I mentioned I’m not very active rn but ppl still think of me or my fics and that’s insane with how quick and #current social media is yk? #just thank you so much I just feel like if I put this out there I’ll feel more at ease <3 #you all are so wonderful and I hope you know that when I think about stuff like this I feel so much more peaceful and I’m beyond thankful

[wisegirl29]

Past me: I’ll take the summer module so that I have less to do in my final year. Less to do = less stress. I’m so smart.

Current me trying to write an essay during a heatwave: past me you are such an idiot. 🤦🏻‍♀️

#future me better appreciate this #i really sacrificed three weeks of my summer just to ease the burden of my final year #im such an idiot #im probably not going to get a good grade on this anyway #i can’t believe i had two weeks to write this essay and i left it to the last two days #stupid anxiety and perfectionism #it’s too hot for this #stupid global warming #the irony is that my essay is on aligning the financial system with the paris agreement #using the rage i feel about the current heatwave to fuel my writing #uni struggles #uni student #student life #economics student #personal

[trollbreak]

The ride of going ‘oh zerkev is gonna see his dads :33’ straigh directly into ‘oh god oh fuck’

#I don’t really usually interact in big plots bc I’ve got big anxiety about ruining someone’s story so I’m just over here staring anxiously #towards Veylin. I think the only time I’ve done smth that had an effect was maybe push gaitaz and Nocyon together and ease redivi’s nerves #like once. like I’m just over here lol. props to y’all who send asks very regularly I’m tipping my hat to u

[manicgoblin]

#the eclipse was so pretty #I needed this this week #I felt so light and at ease #personal #myself #Spotify #my period is coming up and is a bit late and I’ve been having the hardest time this cycle #finding out I have pmdd has really changed so much #for me #like oh so I’m just suffering with mood swings and depression and all my symptoms are exacerbated for 2 weeks every month #no wonder they went bipolar #like no actually I just have a uterus #and ptsd and anxiety/depression that’s made worse during this time of month #just crazy to think about #and anyways this cycle has been noticeably harder than the last few #so sitting under this eclipse and crying idk just really did something for me #that’s all my rambles for the day

[nezzling]

Me going on a rant about my struggles with eating, hydration, and addiction and jokingly saying "I need a caretaker I swear to god" to be met with "I'll happily be your caretaker, you know, if the job position is open" whaaat I'm screaming, crying, throwing up, so go get a mop mate cause you're on duty now

#been thinking about that for two days so had to write it down lol #idk how this man has watched me go through such insanity in my life and dating and be like yeah me next lmao #not to mention the insane level of patience he has which honestly is needed with me #but hes been so patient leaving the ball in my court while ive been figuring myself out #like he literally had to pick me up crying from the airport after someone else broke my heart #and hes had to deal with me going nonverbal for days and days bc i wastnt able to keep him up to date with my thoughts #bc i had so many niche anxieties about really future based things #but like i finally expressed all that and it was just met with kindness and understanding??? #like wym you dont hate me for Thinking and Worrying About Things whaaaat #very romeo and juliet type dynamic where both of our families will almost definitely hate each other #tbf i also hate most of my family lmaooooooo #so i mean as long as his family accepted me or as long as he would be willing to stand up for me with his family thats all that matters #cause one issue ive had twice already is people talking ABOUT ME directly in front of me in another language #like pls i loveeeeeee our native language but talking about anyone in front of them is rude enough without my level of bpd and anxiety #and man he was so amazing about understanding how rotten that felt bc hes experienced that exact feeling #so its just like hes easing every little worry as they pop up even if it takes me a lot of quiet days to be able to say the worry #but i meannnnnnn i have convinced him to move back to my city when semester starts soooooooo #also for the nosey people this isnt like a new fling or anything lol i feel like it comes across like im hop skip jumping around again #hes followed my tiktok since my original launch on there and we've been talking as friends for so long now #the way i still havent followed him back on tiktok to this day just for the laugh of it ahahaha #no but this has been a very slow process of learning about each other and growing trust #but the first time we hung out last year it was just like i had a Best Friend back #it was so easy and natural and all we do is make jokes and laugh constantly #but the one thing ive had to accept is a good indicator is that he makes me calm #and that says a LOT because I am NEVER calm as someone with all my acronyms #but anytime im around him my nervous system goes into rest mode and its actually insane how peaceful it feels #ive had to do a lot of inner battles about superficial nonsense in order to make myself realise i shoudnt be constantly anxious when dating #like why have i been forcing myself to be around people who literally inflame my entire body and mind #hes like medicine to me and also i think i have reached the tag limit now lolllllll #lil rambles

[skswriting]

.

#kind of a sad story time #but ive always struggled making friends #im probably not alone in that aspect but ive always felt like embarrassed by it #and since ive graduated college and moved from home i havent met anyone local #and in january i tried really hard to push myself to find at least ONE friend #and i used bumble friends and matched with this girl and we had a lot in common #and we started out really strong #like not meeting in person but we were playing a lot of games together #and i played with her partner and some of her other friends and it was really nice!! #but i kind of felt like i was pushibg myself onto her/them?? #and it kind of fizzled into one of those online friendships where you just kind of checked in every so often #BUT #recently #weve been playing a lot more together? #and it sounds stupid but she and another of her friend reached out to me last night and today first to play games #and it just like eased my anxiety about me being the one forcing myself into their lives idk #i would like a genuine in person friendship but i really dont know how to be like (hey lets hang out) #without sounding desperate lmao