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fire-lizard-ro · 2 days

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Aventurine angst/comfort

CW: spoilers for 2.1, Aventurine’s real name, talk of death/genocide, deep seated trauma, trying to heal from trauma, Aventurine's past, talk of slavery (his time as a slave), self loathing, esteem issues, talk of ego and sense of self, identity crisis???, a bit of a character study I think, meandering around because I cannot structure my thoughts whoopsie, there was a single Projecting Moment oops my b

Long post, so buckle up. I might add more later ehe-

No mentioned gender for reader.

Writing under the cut (SFW):

I had the sudden realization that Aven probably doesn’t know as much about the culture he lost as he’d like. Or at least as he’d secretly like to know. For years he was preoccupied with surviving and putting on a mask seared so deep into his ego that he might have forgotten those wishes were even there. But when the dust has settled, and his job is done? Once he’s “slipped the collar” and found his freedom? There’s… a lot less external noise to distract him from the noise inside.

It's just like he said. You must first fool yourself in order to fool everyone else. Aventurine must have tried his damnedest to forget the silly little wishes of Kakavasha. Those wishes needed to be buried in the dirt along with his name. They could never come true, so what was the use of having them in the first place? But that doesn’t stop the heart from yearning for the things it lost.

The longer he’s away from the stage, that place full of dazzling lights where it was always all eyes on him and he was always the circus act of balancing on a tight rope- always gambling on the knife’s edge between life and death… The more Kakavasha seems to remember what he used to dream of. It’s like the slow trickle of water from a crack in the tank.

Once he’s with you and he’s comfortable enough to tell you about his story… Once he’s given time to really trust you. The tank breaks and it’s like he’s a fish out of water, all of his “self” exposed under your gaze. It’s terrifying. But at the same time… healing. You’re his safe space. He’s never needed anyone to save him- that’s not what you are. You’re not some savior swooping in to save their damsel in distress. Sure, maybe it would have been nice had there been someone there for him back when he was just a scared child who had just lost everything he’d ever loved. But he fought, tooth and nail, for what he has now. Clawed his way out of the bodies that littered his past and wiped the blood from his mouth in order to finally gain his freedom. He doesn’t need someone to save him. Doesn’t need someone to fix him. But he loves you because you’re there to hold his hand while he finds his way to the end of the tunnel.

Nowadays he feels more Kakavasha and less like Aventurine. It's a struggle, because he doesn’t know if he should be Kakavasha.

Kakavasha was the name of the coward scared boy who could only run when his sister told him to run. Kakavasha was the name of a boy who lost everything and it was his fault. Kakavasha was the name of a boy made slave who was only seen as a pretty face and a tool it was all he was good for. Kakavasha was the name of a boy who could do nothing to save anyone all because of this damned blessing curse favor. Kakavasha was the name of a failure.

But he also didn't know if he was allowed to be Kakavasha.

Kakavasha was also a child who was untainted by the greed of life.

Kakavasha was an innocent child who knew how to trust people.

Kakavasha was allowed to want and to have. Kakavasha was loved.

Could he ever be loved? Having done what he'd done? Been what he'd been? Been who he'd been?

Was he Aventurine? Or was he Kakavasha?

Who was he, really?

Back then it was so noisy. He just wanted to cover his ears to shut out the screams and the voices of the people who wanted to use him and the chants of those who wanted to kill him-

But now all the noise was inside and he couldn't just cover his ears. It wouldn't help. It wouldn't stop these thoughts from running rampant in his head.

Sometimes it felt like Kavasha was a lifetime ago, detached from Aventurine when his mask he always wore took hold of him again. Both a helper and a jailer. He couldn't stop himself from falling into old habits.

But sometimes Kakavasha was all he could be. Remembering what his sister's smile looked like and how his mother's lullabies sounded and how his father's hugs felt.

Remembering how those last hugs felt and those last goodbyes weren't supposed to come so soon.

Remembering what it felt like to be chained up like some unruly pet dog and what it felt like to kill a man.

Remembering what how it felt to bury his past and his name and his family and everything else he ever loved and become a new person.

Remembering what it felt like and what it took to become Aventurine.

With time, your encouragement and support, and some self reflection (and likely some therapy)... He slowly allows himself these things.

But it gets worse before it gets better.

He learned how to hate himself long before he had the notion that he could love himself.

He learned to love others before he learned to love himself.

He gives away all the love he cannot give himself. To you

(There's the projection help- THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE FUCKING HOUSE-)

With time he learns that he is not the sum of his actions. He can be loved. He IS loved.

You help him find what things researchers have managed to scrounge up from the remains of his people's home- from Sigonia. What they recorded even while they were still around. He sifts through painful memories to find the good ones. Remembers the once forgotten feeling of his people's language in his mouth. Teaches you all the curse words first just for fun but doesn't tell you what they actually mean. Gives you a nickname in that pretty mother tongue of his. Murmurs stories and sweet nothings in your ears while you fall asleep on his chest, the rumble of his voice and the beating of his heart lulling you to sleep.

You help him regain some of what he lost. You stayed and weathered the storm with him. You didn't leave and you made him realize with eyes wide open that you love him. That he's worthy of being loved by you. That being worthy was never even a question in the first place.

And he can never thank you enough for it.

His shoulder to lean on, his hand to hold, his ear to listen.

He is Kakavasha and he loves you.

#Roro writes #Aventurine #hsr Aventurine #aventurine x reader #hsr aventurine x reader #honkai star rail x reader #hsr x reader #honkai star rail x gn reader #hsr x gn reader #aventurine x gn reader

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xxkissesforchanniexx · 2 days

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𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐆𝐨 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭

Pairing: Chan x fem!reader zombie au Word Count: 1.8k Warnings: Chan being a dick >.> (mostly to Seonghwa), threats, medical diseases I fail to describe besides what i googled up >.>, uhh kinda nice ending

A/N: slowly im getting stuff done >.> be patient with me please ;-;

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Chapter 2

Jeongin had fallen asleep, leaning against the window, Seonghwa and Chan were having a very aggressive staring contest in the mirror, Felix on the other hand smiled at you.

"So y/n," Felix said, "What did you do before the apocalypse?"

You shrugged, "I was just starting medical school."

"So you might know how to help Minho."

You nodded. "What's wrong with him?"

"he's been really sleepy and he kept saying he had a headache then it got worse... and his neck got stiff... then he got the fever and he started feeling weak-"

"Meningitis?" Seonghwa asked, finally looking away from Chan.

"Maybe..." You said quietly.

"What do we do?" Chan said looking at you in the rearview mirror.

"I have to see when I get there." You made a face at him.

He sucked in a breath, "Fine."

You smiled slightly and began asking Felix about his life before the apocalypse. You found out from him that Chan liked singing.

"Chan used to sing every day... even the stupid jingles on TV-"

"That's enough." Chan said, squeezing the wheel.

Felix went quiet.

Chan turned into a tunnel and stopped the car.

Seonghwa looked around. "Where are we?"

"Home." Felix said and shook Jeongin awake.

"Yongbokkie, help me open the gate." Chan said as he got out of the car.

You got out and walked around the back of the car to Chan's side, Seonghwa looked up and down the tunnel before grabbing you and hissing in you ear. "I don't trust this place."

"Then sleep outside." Chan spat before going to a pile of melted metal and a rusted car.

He shifted the metal and after a few hard pulls, Felix got the car door to open. You saw a flashing light and stared at curiously as it turned green before Felix entered the car. Jeongin followed close behind. You stared at the dark inside of the car curiously.

"Go." Chan said. "It's not dangerous."

You made a face. "It looks dangerous."

Chan let go of the door and it closed, "Look, if we didn't need you to fix Minho you and your friend wouldn't be here. I don't like killing other people. You know where we stay. I either kill you here. Or you join us and get the fuck inside."

Seonghwa stepped between you and Chan, looking down at him, "Try and kill her."

Chan sucked in a breath turning around before reaching for something. The car door opened from the inside and someone stared at you. He had thin cat like eyes and long black hair, and plush lips.

"What's going on?" He stepped fully out of the car and looked from you and Seonghwa to Chan. "Who are these people?"

"They can help Minho." Chan said, "Since I'm so threatening talk to the face of our operations." He rolled his eyes and opened the car door before entering.

The man looked at you and Seonghwa, "When was the last time you showered." He waved his hand in front of his nose. "I'm Hyunjin. If I get this right I must know Chan so well. He scared you, you don't want to enter. But if you don't enter, he has to kill you."

You nodded.

Seonghwa huffed. "Look-"

"N-no I get it. It was the same way when I found these guys. But I promise, it's safe here." He smiled gently and opened the door.

You looked at Seonghwa who started shaking his head but you threw you bag in before entering yourself.

You slid past the seats realizing the car was slanted, and stumbled into a dark tunnel you saw a light at the end of the tunnel and followed it to a big well lit room, natural light poured in from a window in the ceiling.

"There she is." Felix smiled, "Guys, this is y/n. y/n, this is Jisung," he motioned to a man with dark hair and chubby chipmunk like cheeks, "Changbin," A muscular man with a scar on his face, "Seungmin," A boy with light brown hair and a calm face, "and Minho is probably sleeping."

You looked around their base, it was a wide area, probably formally used for tunnel maintenance. To the right was a living like area with a couch and table with trinkets decorating shelves several passages led somewhere, to the back was two passages, to the left was a big kitchen with a gas cooker and fridge.

Your brows furrowed. "You have power."

"Always." Felix smiled, "Perks of having two geniuses around," he motioned to Hyunjin and Seungmin. "If Hyunjin imagines it, Seungmin and find someway to throw it together."

You nodded, motioning to the two doors to the back.

Changbin perked up, "We aren't allowed back there. Even if Chan and I built this place together, I can't see what's to the right door. As for the left," He looked at Seonghwa, "We'll see when we trust you."

Seonghwa pursed his lips.

Jisung smiled at you slightly. "It's been so long since we had a girl here... alive anyway. I feel under dressed."

You laugh lightly and shrug, "Don't worry about it, I can't say I'm much better."

Jisung laughed slightly, "We have a shower, can't say if Hyunjin and Seungmin have figured out hot water yet but you can give it a try."

"Speaking of which," Felix grabbed your hand and dragged you down a hall to the right and down the left of a split in the hall before opening a door. "You can stay here." He looked at Seonghwa. "I can find you guys a bigger bed if you nee-"

"I'll sleep alone thanks." Seonghwa rolled his eyes.

You laughed and threw your bag onto the bed, looking around the small space. Unlike the other places you had stayed with Seonghwa and the outside, despite the heat, here it was cool. You sat on the bed and smiled at how soft it was, you looked at the small dresser for your clothes and hummed.

Felix poked his head in after a few minutes. "I can show you to the shower," he held out a towel.

You stood and took it, opening the door and following him out into the hall. The shower room was a very small space with carefully put together piping and tile flooring with a rubber mat.

Felix smiled and handed you soap and a wash cloth, "Uh, I don't know what else you girls use to bathe so... consult Hyunjin if you need anything extra."

You laughed. "This is enough, thanks."

"Okie dokie." Felix nodded, "As Sungie warned, the hot water might not always work so... good luck." He smiled sweetly and closed the door.

After questioning yourself in the shower about how you survived so long without warm water you finished your shower and allowed Seonghwa his turn.

You were sorting through your bag, looking at what you had and what you could put where when Changbin threw your door open.

"Minho is awake." His eyes were worried.

You stared at Minho, he was a very pretty man, about Chan's age, with small lips and observant eyes.

"Who is that?" he asked the moment you entered the room.

"She's going to help." Hyunjin said, looking at you.

"Help me how? She a doctor or something?" Minho sat up.

"You could say that." Chan exhaled slowly.

"Lay back." You said.

Minho stared at you for a moment before laying back.

You felt his head, "Hyunjin." You looked at him, "Get me my bag, it's on my bed."

Hyunjin ran off to get it.

"Relax, I'm going to test you for something." You put Minho's arms on his abdomen and took his pillow from under his head.

Chan stared at you with narrowed eyes as Hyunjin returned, Seonghwa following him, "I don't want that Pomeranian in here-"

"Chan who are these people?" Minho tried to sit up but you pushed him back down with a glare.

"Who are you calling a Pomeranian?" Seonghwa said, walking across the room.

Minho pushed you off and held his head as he sat up. "Stay away from Chan-"

Chan got in Seonghwa's face and then you lost it.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! BOTH OF YOU!"

Seonghwa and Chan stared at you.

"Out." You said quietly.

"You can't order me around-" Chan started.

"Channie." Minho looked at him. "Go..."

Chan sucked in a breath and left.

Seonghwa looked at you before walking out after Chan.

You got Minho to take the acetaminophen from your bag and had him lie back again. You lifted his head and watched his lower half.

You sucked in a breath as his knees bent slightly.

"Hyunjin." You said quietly.

"Yeah?" He looked at you.

"How long has Minho been sick?"

"A little less than a week.."

"He's got meningitis..."

"Is it bad?" Hyunjin's face fell.

"I think he'll live if he's made it this far. We just have to keep the fever down." You sighed softly. "make sure you wash your hands."

You ended up watching Minho most of the late afternoon into the evening and even in the night to keep his fever down, switching every now and then with Hyunjin. Living with the boys you noticed how rare it was for Chan to be around and about the hideout.

"Does Chan always stay away from you guys?" You asked Jeongin one day.

"No, not really." Jeongin said, "You're just not out when he's out."

You nodded to yourself, determining based on those words, Chan must be active at night, compared to the other member who were loud and rowdy in the day.

You were watching Minho, checking his temperature quickly before leaving to get water. It was dark out, from what you could see through the window in the center room. You got a bottle of water and looked around. How lucky did you have to be... You hadn't died in the initial wave... You found Seonghwa...you found Chan... You could drink water peacefully.

The sound of steps made you look up, Chan stood in the hall looking at you.

You looked back at him.

"Minho okay?" he asked as he grabbed a bottle from the top shelf above the stove. Alcohol.

"He's fine." You said sipping your water.

Chan poured himself a cup of the alcohol and looked at you. "Never thought you'd actually do it." he said before drinking.

"What?" You looked at him.

"When we left we were sure Minho would die before we got back," He said quietly, staring into his cup. "I owe it to you," He looked at you. "Thank you."

"I've been here a whole two days and this is the first thing you say to me." You laugh lightly.

"Wasn't like you were available to talk." He huffed.

"Well, Chan, you're welcome." You shrugged and finished your water, pushing away from the counter, you walked to the hall. "And... for everything," You motioned to the room. "For letting us stay, thank you..."

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