#it was for HS or college tbh but i knew it had a check but my mom said if i take it i have to fucking say thank you so i didnt take it

[pepprs]

do u have any advice on making friends in college? i currently have 1 friend + my roommates and i’m almost done with my freshman year. i’m like,, low key miserable

OH NO im so sorry anon that sucks so much!!!! i was in pretty much the same place u were my first semester of college and it was a legiteral NIGHTMARE so i rly hope things improve 4 u soon :~/ tbh as awful as it was i got rly lucky bc most of the friends i had coming in2 college were friends i had in hs so i already knew them rly well, but that first semester i also made like. 2 new friends that i didnt kno before getting there and both were from clubs (one was a jewish club and the other was a creative writing club!) so i’d recommend trying 2 join a student organization bc those are rly great opportunities 2 meet ppl who share similar interests / identities as u and thats a rly good opportunity 2 bond! ALSO my social life still isnt… Great a yr and a half later (esp since one of my 2 new friends moved back home bc she was an exchange student :~/) but things improved a lot my 2nd semester bc a) i went 2 a leadership retreat that quite litcherally transformed my life, and b) i got an amazing on campus job!! through both of those things ive met some of the best ppl i kno and like. naught 2 b dramatic or anything but i cant imagine what my life would b like w/o them so if theres anything similar @ ur school that u might b interested in i’d recommend checking that out too if u can. if u have any more questions im here for u, i kno freshman yr can be SUPER rough so if u need anyone 2 talk 2 def lmk!!!! ♥♥♥

#i hope things get better!!!! #ALSO im glad it sounds like ur friends w ur roommates!! i was and still am a commuter and that uhhhh complicates #Social Things in a lot of ways but i can imagine it would b rly helpful 2 have that connection w the ppl u live w bc like #u all r goin thru it 2gether u kno! and u not only inhabit a shared space but ur sharing the experience 2. or something #not 2 go off on a tangent but i sometimes do wish things had workd out different n i coulda lived on campus but like. whatever its whatever #ur going 2 b fine anon and i rly hope amazing ppl come in2 ur life the same way amazing ppl came in2 mine!!! everythings gonna b ok i promi #FUCK!!! promise. desktop cut me off LOL #purrs #asks #♥♥♥

[doctr-p]

I’ve been delaying this post for a while, partially because I’m low key embarrassed to be so upset that a favorite show of mine is ending, but mainly because I am so upset and don’t want to believe the adventure is over.

Later today Adventure Time will be airing it’s final episode and well, I just can’t believe it. It has been a such a wild ride for the past 8 years (10 if you count the pilot). I’m not here to spout out all the reasons why “Adventure Time was the best show ever” or criticize those who don’t like it. Frankly, I don’t even think AT is objectively the best show ever; it certainly had it’s ups and downs during different seasons- I’m here to reminisce about how impactful the show was on me. I’m not sure why I want to do this...but I guess it makes me happy to do so or at least gives me a sort of closure...errr I feel like I’m sending the show off right? It’s the least I can do for all it has done for me. This is going to be a long one so I will spare everyone and place a keep reading below!

Adventure Time came out the end of my senior year of HS and I was extremely excited since I did see the pilot episode a year or two prior on YouTube. I guess the whole premise was amazing to me (especially since I was fond of having my own adventures with my dog at the time): a boy and his dog kick ass through a magical world- originally such a simple concept yet got increasingly convoluted and complex. I never would imagine how much this show would become embedded into my life.

Flash forward to my first year of college when S1 was still coming out. Me being a extremely shy person, I was having trouble interacting with all my new classmates- plus it didn’t help that this was the first time I was permanently away from home. I still remember during one of our orientation events another student and I were walking to a building and got lost. I quietly made a small reference to AT and he immediately started freaking out all excited that I enjoyed the show too. We quickly started discussing the episodes and the next thing I know I was actually coming out of my shell- I felt comfortable?? One thing led to another and suddenly we had a group of AT fans that would all meet up in someones dorm room each Monday night at 7:30pm sharp to watch the new episodes around someone’s tiny laptop.

A couple of months into my first semester my dog suddenly passed away. Now this was a dog I grew up with, he was my pal and honestly my main friend since I didn’t have many in HS. This was extremely difficult for me to handle- especially being so far away from home.. My coping mechanism? AT, lots and lots of AT with my new friends- they stuck with me for hours, even days, when I refused to leave my dorm room because I was so upset. Not only did this show get me through this arguable one of the darkest moments in my life, it also did something else at the time: my parents were trying to contact me everyday during this entire ordeal to check up on me- of course I told them about the show and how my friends and I would watch it. For the first time in years I was able to convince them to watch a cartoon..I wasn’t even trying to convince them, I believe they wanted to watch it maybe to relate? Have something to talk about with me other than my late dog? Or perhaps they saw the show was so comforting to me that it brought them comfort to watch it and connect with me since I was gone? Let’s just say I’ve never been able to convince them to watch any other cartoon since.

To keep it breif (lol) AT had a huge impact on my college life, I continued to bring the show to others’ attention. Marathoning it with new watchers and friends throughout my 4 years there. I had a collection of merch, I even dressed up as Finn and went reverse trick-or-treating with friends (aka we knocked on peoples doors and gave them candy). Quoting the show was basically 50% of my vocabulary (it sorta still is >w<) and I honestly believe it made me more confident in social situations. Heck my first DnD campaign was in The Land of Ooo! 

My next adventure was veterinary school where the show continued to help push me through those stressful and difficult days. At this point AT was plastered somewhere on my daily materials and because of this I often got asked about it. One time in particular I was asked about it after giving a research presentation to my lab that I was working in that summer. My research professor saw my Finn and Jake desktop background and asked what it was and commented “it looks very you, I’m curious.“ I don’t think I’ve ever smiled so hard in my life, especially after a presentation. I gave a brief synopsis and jokingly mentioned we should watch a couple of episodes at the next lab meeting.  WELL GUESS WHAT WE DID? During our last meeting I put on the episode From Bad to Worse because Science the rat saves the candy kingdom from a zombie disease- very relevant to our research :P and then afterwards I showed them my all time favorite episode (still fav) The Creeps. During this moment I thought- holy shit I can’t believe I’m watching Adventure Time with a bunch of highly educated, intellectual people in a research lab of a highly regarded institution- what is life???? It was certainly an experience I will never forget and probably never have again in this sort of setting. It probably is one of my fondest memories this show has brought me.

I continued to truck on through vet school; AT started to get that inconsistent airing schedule from CN which definitely made the show less prominent in my life especially with my increasingly busy schedule. That being said, it became so much a part of me- it was literally instant comfort when I saw anything related to the show. It was almost like, a home away from home. Throughout my clinical year (the last 1.5 years of vet school) I carried notebooks with Finn and Jake on them to take notes in. And even got an AT surgical cap. Some thought it was childish, but honestly I didn’t care. Some days were so hard and so shitty, I just needed something to look at to make me smile or feel even the slightest better. Funny enough, a lot of the clinicians would ask me about the show and some even knew what it was!

Finally we get to the present.. this poor show has dragged on, and I mean dragged on, due to the poor airing schedule on CN.  Honestly it has made me angry that CN treated this long-running series so poorly (and same for SU tbh). I believe this ending is being rushed as there are some lose ends that I don’t think will get tied up nicely. That being said, I’m happy the show will get AN ending and not some random meaningless last episode. 

Anyway I digress, it has been a long, crazy ride. Adventure Time has gotten me through some of the darkest and happiest moments of my life, including my extremely intense and difficult internship I’m going through right now. It has helped me forge friendships and start conversations, it has made me feel at home while being far away from home. “Homies help homies” is something I basically live by now and will probably continue to do so for the rest of my life. I know I can always rewatch the series, keep my merch around, and continue to share the show with others- however it is still very hard to let go knowing there will be no more TV adventures. I don’t want to compare it to when someone or something actually dies, but honestly? It sort of feels like that in a way, it feels like a part of my heart will die after it finishes and I guess that’s why it upsets me so. Maybe the fear of it losing relevance? Bringing it up to people and chatting about it casually won’t be a thing anymore? Or maybe it’s just the fear of knowing there will be nothing new and it will fade away. The only other show that has impacted me so much has been Yu Yu Hakusho since I grew up with it. I feel similarly about it, however I don’t talk about it as freely with random people. In addition, YYH was long finished after I got to watching the final episode. So while seeing the last episode makes me tear up each time, I don’t think it will feel quite like this will. Anyway, I unfortunately won’t even be able to watch the last episode as I have to go to work, but I when I am able to watch it I will surly be the hotest of hot messes. Thanks for all the adventures and support Adventure Time, you will be sorely missed.

#sorry for the super long post..i just needed to do this..don't feel obligated to read! #I know there will be comics continuing and such but still..it isn't quite the same!! #also I find it crazy that AT and YYH have 'big things' going on in back to back months- im an emotional mess XD #adventure time #the ultimate adventure #come along with me #AT #i think the sticker on my car is my favorite thing I have- continue the adventure wherever I travel :P #thanks again adventure time #b borks

[wannawrite]

Welcome To My Highschool

who: Wanna One's Park Woojin genre: 🌸 type: bullet point blog navigator. 

ps: you guys should check out @alliwannado-w1‘s HS! AU too! Euiwoong | Hyungseob

• HS! AU • how Park Woojin would be like in high school i'm kinda bad at high school related scenarios but I'll give it a go! thanks for requesting, anon! also I love ‘Welcome to my Hollywood’ so much Daehwi is so talented God bless. Bless Donghyun, bless Youngmin, bless Woojin. - Admin L 

• woojin is that student who is kind of in between ‘naughty’ and ‘nice’ • ho ho ho get ready for some two months early Christmas scenarios • even though I haven’t really done Fall/Halloween ones • request box is open btw ;) • Woojin definitely isn’t the brightness student or the nicest person - but only because he is shy around strangers • but there’s no way he’s the ‘student/classmate from hell’ • if he is tardy, it isn’t out of ill intention you know • he genuinely overslept that day because he was studying hard for his mathematics exam • fell asleep in class only because he was coming down with the flu and felt awful   • genuinely tries his best to be an angelic student, though he can be a savage • but really, he never has bad intentions • Woojin’s grades aren’t the best and he doesn’t really have a ‘best subject’ • it’s more like no failures but Bs - Cs across the board • no worries! he’s always improving! • focuses well in class and always takes notes even if they’re somewhat messy • but it’s the aesthetic messy • probably runs a popular studygram that not even his best friends know about • that classmate you don’t really talk to but wouldn’t hesitate to help him with math problems or notes because he seems so nice and innocent • a reliable friend you can depend on for notes • the classmate who will allow you to borrow his headphones if you ask • nicely • Woojin is also the resident dance king • in fact, the dance club only exists because of him • okay so this is where he gets a tad bit more naughty • the reason is kind of because he started a dance battle with a Senior, Noh Taehyun in the cafeteria • and the principal came to break it up but he saw the talent in the two dancers and was like ‘holy shit we actually have talent here we need a dance club’ • and now Woojin is the vice-president of the dance club • Taehyun is the president but he’s graduating soon :( • remember when they had disputes at first doshakdjd • lowkey the both of them are a little competitive with each other but that’s okay because they both know their limits • no joke, woojin is really talented we all know that • is one of the head choreographers despite being a Sophomore and forms majority of the dances • leads the club really well and Taehyun is assured that the legacy will continue even after he graduates • shies away from signing up for competitions and only writes other members names • even though he knows he’s good enough, he is hesitant • but Eunki always secretly scribbles his name down before sending the list in • all the talent is in Brand New High School - College dance team tbh • they won :”) • but really, who wouldn’t expect them to • Taehyun treated all of them to barbecue after • they eat well all the time • during dance practice, he’s that crazy guy who can’t seem to sit still • he just loves dancing okay • reversal charms, no one expected him to be so loud, sarcastic - to a certain extent, or even outspoken • likes to take random videos of dance practices • ‘hey, guys! this is a dance practice in the life of Woojin, welcome back!’ • his Snapchat story and IG story is always filled with those vlog style videos • ‘ah yes, here we have Seongwoo hyung working really hard’ • ‘ohhh, Jung Jung hyung, why aren’t you sweating as much as me? Did you not put in your best effort?’ • tbh it’s like a crack video even though he’s serious about it • will voice out his ideas for choreography openly but not rudely • no one saw this Woojin coming • Woojin is that kind of guy who keeps his circle small and the space in his heart smaller • like he knows a lot of people and has mutual acquaintances but it isn’t like they’re close • like Seniors, Juniors in the dance club • only has a couple of tight-knit friends but they’re also graduating soon • someone save him, please • *drum rolls* • the Avengers are here! • he’s that guy who is in a really popular, like really popular clique • everyone calls them the ‘Avengers’ • originally, he wasn’t in that line-up but Ha Sungwoon fell for his dance charms and invited him to sit with them for lunch one day • the rest is history, all of them are like brothers now • naturally, Woojin is pretty popular himself but he never realises it ??? • that kind of popularity that lands him a ton of roses, chocolates, teddy bears and cards on Valentine’s Day • his hyungs tease him about it 24/7 • sometimes other students wonder how he got into Avengers because before that, they have never heard of him • he’s just shy and somewhat socially awkward so he didn’t really approach too many people in his class • the quiet guy who only voices out his opinions from time to time in clique meetings • then again, the guy who can beat anyone at a dance/rap battle • once, a Senior challenged him to a diss track battle during lunch • Taehyun and Youngmin were like ‘hell no do you want death?’ • ‘from Woojin’s fans or from his rap?’ • ‘....both probably but mainly his diss track’ • SOMEONE WENT TO STEAL A FIRE EXTINGUISHER FOR THE BATTLE I KID YOU NOT • Haknyeon nearly fainted and Jihoon’s mouth couldn’t close properly • I realise he covers his mouth in a cute manner no offence • I’m not saying Taehyun recorded Woojin’s rap and then choreographed a dance for it but that’s exactly what I’m saying • Daehwi knew he made a good decision adding Woojin to the Avengers • he’s nearly as trickass as Jinyoung • totally the type to secretly want to participate in high school Sports Day races but is too scared • whines about it to his friends absent-mindedly so Samuel pens ‘Park Woojin’ on the sign-up sheet • is nearly killed by Woojin when he found out - through an email in his school inbox • you know, his thing for flipping people over • Samuel doesn’t regret it though because Woojin is hella athletic and won that race for their team • cue celebration and lots of tears • dad smiles from a lot of the Seniors watching • Dongho’s smile makes me cry it’s beautiful • then on the other team we have Sungwoon throwing his cap to the ground out of frustration right after losing • ‘okay, I just want to know who wrote my name down for the race against Woojin. All of you know my legs are much shorter than his’ he demands, holding up the sheet of paper that had his name written next to Woojin’s • Ong just subtly slips away, ‘oh wow my water bottle is full! I need to water the grass and refill it!’ • it’s safe to say Sungwoon was chasing Ong around the track for a solid hour • the Avengers volunteer to help set-up for this year’s Fall Formal, Woojin isn’t super sure of what he should do • ‘uh, just help to add ideas and so on’ one of the main committee members tells him • gets frustrated because he feels like he isn’t helping as much as the rest of his friends are • thinks about talking Daehwi out of volunteering • what does he like? what can he show? • ding! *lightbulb* • dance • decides to propose a song and a dance that he can choreograph + involves the dance team • gets really excited and starts SMILING a lot • his smile is adorable I love his snaggletooth so much • immediately, the whole planning committee cheers up with that one smile and outburst of ideas from him • Woojin has that effect   • his ‘sexy baby, oh my lady’ during the dance was kind of uncalled for but everyone loved it • now the committee is begging him to join the planning committee full-time as they have never achieved such a positive response before • definitely contributes a significant amount of ideas and thoughts to planning even if he doesn’t know much • always gives his 110% for any class projects, other student battle to have him in their group • ‘scissors paper stone! I win! I can ask Woojin to join us now!’ • but ask nicely when it comes to him • Woojin is also that student who can yell at you for 12 hours straight but can also keep quiet for 12 hours • at first, he was that shy new kid who melted into lockers in the corridor and who no one really paid attention too • even getting bossed around by some of the Seniors • but as time goes on, he discovers his potential and abilities • such as playing pranks on his older friends, embracing his goofy side and messing around • ah yes he once got up and danced on a cafeteria table • Youngmin still has that video on his phone btw • and of course, he got to know more good-natured and trustworthy friends • with a little help, he gained confidence and is now loved and appreciated by the entire student body • his high school years are some of the best • not exactly his Hollywood but one of the more enjoyable things of teenage years

#Admin L #wanna one #wanna one scenarios #produce 101 #produce 101 scenarios #yoon jisung #ha sungwoon #hwang minhyun #ong seongwoo #kang daniel #kim jaehwan #park woojin #park jihoon #bae jinyoung #lee daehwi #lai guanlin

[this-brownie]

04.22.20

I have been harboring a lot of pain and anger feelings for jen in the back of my head for the last 10 years. When I see her in person, I feel so good that I don’t have a need to bring it up, but those negative feelings, eventually, always return. I finally decided to let it all go and explain to her how I felt— the first part is the letter I read to her over the phone and the second part are my own thoughts and recollection after the phone call.

Part 1:

Maybe you have your issues with me because of that period in high school but it was never to push YOU away. I won’t diminish the fact it was detrimental to you regardless, but I didn’t intentionally prioritize myself at your cost. That happened to be the result of my stupidity and lack of communication. When you left for college, it was hard but you kind of repeatedly put yourself over me and our friendship, and it took a toll. We came back together once you found more balance in your school life and started depending on me more when you and worth broke up. I eventually moved back to New York and you had your off year; that was one of my favorite years. I like you because I have fun with you and because I like to hear you talk. I have often been angry when you couldn’t make it for me, even if it wasn’t your fault, and it constantly remained in the back of my head. But then when I see you it’s like those feelings wash away, and I’m like oh thisss is why I love hanging out with her. When you left, it made me really distant, which was better than fighting with you, but it hollowed me out. You had Mo, you had your life, you were busy. I wasn’t unhappy for you but you didn’t need me or make me feel needed. When I eventually moved on from Caitlin to Ivan, he brought on this intense joy and intimacy that I hadn’t experienced since hs. He made me feel so loved, and so crazy. It consumed me. With Levi, my other friends, and often you I feel grounded. Good positive feelings, nothing crazy. He fucking riled me up so much. Eventually it overwhelmed me but it felt amazing while it lasted. And I remember being so angry with you because why couldn’t you just let me be happy? You were hurt that I left you and it frustrated me that I should consider your feelings once again over mine. Talking to you normally made me feel empty. You were so fucking busy, and I was so busy that i didn’t feel connected when we spoke. But with Ivan, I always felt so good. I always craved that. Why couldn’t you let me have that? Because it came at your expense?

We call each other best friends and the reason I say I don’t need you there for me everyday is because you haven’t always been there for me. The person I talk to everyday now is Levi, and maybe that’s why in your own way you can’t fully trust me. I understand that- the feeling of giving your all to someone who won’t give it back. I wouldn’t want to ask you to irrationally be there for me but there are ways to make me special, which I feel I’ve done for you such as birthdays. My last birthday was one of my favorites because you actually made it. I was hesitant in telling you to even come because I didn’t want to let myself hope. I would rather sabotage myself than be let down.

The things that I perceive important are different than what you want/or are used to giving. Literally the first time ever I got hurt by you was when i walked you home after SPI and wanted to come over to your house but you said no. Obviously I understood the reason, but at that time I was SO taken aback because I had never experienced that. I thought we were friends because we had been eating together and hanging out all the time that I didn’t understand why wouldn’t just tell your parents you wanted a friend over even if you were scared.

There’s been times in the past when you made me feel like utter shit. I’ve gone to bat with my mom in the past about you. I remember in college you told me that you couldn’t tell your mom about me because I wasn’t in school and “what’s there to really say”. you were afraid to stand up to your parents even tho I’m your best friend. I under at and it’s your personality and your life but it was painful. There was a point that, I don’t even think you were angry, but you said something like I was bad influence on you. And you said it off handed, not accusatory— you said that at the end of the day, it was still your actions— but that was hurtful. The reason I get pissed and jealous is because sometimes it feels like you do stuff for others that you don’t do for me. Like when Sarah came over to your place. Or that time we went to Brooklyn shuffle with mo and Naomi and you posted a picture of just you and her. I mentioned it and you called me Nadiya which aggravated tf out of me and effectively made me want to shut up. I know it was mostly irrational and not a big deal, but I was annoyed that I planned the meetup Cuz of my bday but you honored her. It was tiny, but still hurt me and made me feel little. (Yes I know you posted a pic of us for my actually birthday but that’s not the point).

The bachelorette thing annoyed me a lot how it happened, at the time, but when I look back it was actually almost perfect. Nadiya was the one who fucked everything up. And also me, for picking a shitty restaurant. But what annoyed me after was that you didn’t talk to Nadiya. You explained that because you don’t care for her as a friend anymore, and didn’t want to bring it up but I felt like I wasn’t prioritized in that situation. Like I was full of anger and just had to let it go without any resolve.

I rmmbr a few months ago Levi was away for work and I was feeling extremely low, and I asked you something like ‘what do you do for me’ and you responded by saying that it was shitty of me to keep count. I was feeling hormonal from the implant but it makes me feel lonely when i think you can depend on me but I can’t depend on you. I don’t ask a lot of you, or at least I try my best to not bother you too much, which is why it feels good when you do things for me on your own. When you show me that you’ve thought of me. There was this meme I saw that said “affection hit different when you don’t gotta ask for it” that’s how I feel, maybe that’s just me being spoiled idk

The thing is I’m oblivious which is why I like it when you tell me “this is what I did for you” bc it keeps me in check. If I’m constantly reminded you love me, then I don’t have to doubt it or be stuck in my own head. I know you show your love in less obviating ways but they mean so much. When you’re patient with me, I appreciate that a lot. I don’t like when you spend money on me. I love quality time. I love when you make me feel important. I often don’t feel like that which is why I bitch at you lol. It might all be in my head, but how can I be sure? I’m the only one thinking about it 🤔

I am bringing up all the things not because they necessarily bother me anymore but I want to stop holding on to all of it. Feel free to yell at me about the shit I’ve done to you too, I know there’s been a lot. But I do love you, even if we just love each other differently. Even if you don’t post as many pics of me on your IG as I’d like, and I don’t like the pics you do post of me🤦🏽‍♀️ I cant help compare myself to your other friends. Why do they get better captions than me🙄 why do you cook for them and not me. Why do I always compare myself to them and feel like I’m on the losing end. I know this side of me is crazy which is why I like to keep it hidden. I know that you actually do love me (I think). But I feel I’m constantly thinking about how I personally can make you feel good. How to be reliable. How to be there for you. Like that weekend when you were upset about Aaron not responding and him possibly canceling the date. I knew you were in a shit mood so i wanted to do everything in my power to make you feel happy and wanted. To stock the house, and cool for you, and spend money on you, and call your friend and surprised you so that you can cheer up. I know you don’t care for grand gestures and you never ask this of me, but i like to do it and telling myself to *stop* doing it will make me feel dead inside. It’s unfair to put that standard on you and tbh I don’t want that, but I love feeling loved. Talk to me and validate me and make me feel like your present in my life.

I know this is all sounding one sided but you have done a LOT for me through out the years too. I think I’m less mean and crazy with you now than I used to be. You’ve exerted a lot of patience and leniency with me, especially though high school but also after college. Like when we travel and I used to go crazy planning, you bear with me. I remember I used to make you read my long ass college essays even though your probably didn’t fucking want to. You giving me meaningful gifts that you thought I would appreciate. You’ve tried your best to keep up with me— to give me my space when thats what I asked for, to be understanding when that’s what I needed, to put up with my childish, demanding, anal ways. Those qualities haven’t gone unnoticed by me.

I also know that you’ve grown up more and are more aware of my emotions. I know you’re not clingy to the point that you’ll be extremely upset if I’m busy. You take my feelings seriously, and when you point our flaws in me I also try to take them seriously and improve them. Ive come to terms with knowing there won’t be a lot of interactions with you, but at least they can be memorable when they do take place. But that has to be mutual. You’re depending on me more now because of the Eric situation which is fine but I’m hesitant to let myself be fully vulnerable. youll get back to your med school life, and eventually find a boyfriend and it’ll be back to being distant. It’s not ideal, but that’s life. You won’t really need me or pull at me. We’re adults so it manageable but it’s not such a pleasant feeling. I guess I am afraid of feeling used and then being left to tend to myself up until when you need me again

I won’t have any crazy expectations. I don’t want to burden you with all this, just want to communicate my feelings because sometimes it easier for me to clam up. I was thinking maybe I need to start asking you the questions that I would like for you to ask me. That way you can get an idea of the things that I like to talk about along with what we already discuss. I don’t want to keep repeating, to you, that maybe you’re not talking to me the way I would like. It makes you feel like there’s something wrong with how you’re communicating to me, rather than how I prefer things. And it’s always better to show, than tell.

Part 2:

I read my letter to her on the phone and she listened and agreed. I don’t know if I told you, maybe I mentioned it briefly, there was a period in hs after parker and I broke up, that I went mia for a week. Jen and I have been talking obsessively at that point so for me to just black out, and leave her in the dark like that took a huge toll on her. She realized that ‘I’m my own person, and I have a life without her’ so in college she tried to become more independent, to the point that she shut me out. I felt really betrayed because we had told ourselves we would still be super close and things wouldn’t change blah blah. But it felt like she knew they were going to change and she kept it to herself. Side note, although I was mia for that week, this was like first semester 12th grade— afterwards we were the “same” still continued to talk everyday, every moment like nothing changed. But her heart had changed and she never really let me knew how badly it impacted her. In college we were separated because she had to study 24/7 to get into med school and I was dealing with the horrors of my own life. In her spring semester of junior year, we had a huge fight where I told her that she’s always unavailable and hasn’t been a good friend. Things changed a little after that, we started talking more regularly but still sparse. I don’t have a lot of memories of us from that period, but I did hold a lot of pain. As college ended for her, she broke up with her toxic ex and started talking to me more. Not obsessively, but much more than we used to and in the manner a best friend would like calling me at 2am bc she’s sad and can’t sleep and staying on the phone with me all night even tho I had work the next day. I did that because I knew she was hurting, and I was in a better place, and I liked that she was depending on me again.

The next year was her off year and I moved back to nyc from Boston so we spent that entire year together and it was one of my favorites. We finally got to spend the time and do the things we wanted to do together since college. Went out to eat, explored new places, but it wasn’t perfect bc we couldn’t go clubbing since she was still scared of her parents. There were issues during this period tho, where she made me feel like shit- I couldn’t come over to her house bc I wasn’t in school therefore she had nothing good to say about me to her parents. It was hurtful. When she left for med school I had become clingy again and felt her absence deeply- instead of being bitter like I was in college I decide to outsource. I became close to Caitlin and we started doing all the crazy things Jen wasn’t able to do. Like staying out until 5am, doing coke, binge drinking. I was always angry at Jen in the back of my mind for not being there for me, but rationally knew that neither of us had a choice. After a year or so, my husband moved to SF, Caitlin started becoming crazy and super unreliable, and jen was busier than ever bc of school and *also* whenever she would come to visit nyc, her bf only made her hangout with him. We WOULD talk but it felt so casual that it drained me. I hated it, I felt so empty from it. I know some people would say that at least there was contact/effort there but it wasn’t enough for me. I was working and in school full time and it was hard bc I felt I couldn’t depend on anyone.

Eventually Ivan came into my life and it was a whirlwind. It consumed me, I was so fucking happy. Too happy— I started (unintentionally) talking to jen less and less bc I was so overwhelmed. She told me last night there were long stretches of me and her not talking, up to an entire month at one point. I honestly can’t even recall that. All I rmmbr is Ivan. She felt betrayed again and it triggered that similar pain from hs. Became emotionally distant, but then once she and Eric broke up, she propelled into my arms yet again and started depending on me emotionally. It sucked for me bc yeah I’m here for her but it felt she only reached out when she needed ME but I can’t reach her when I need her. Because I have to just be okay with the fact that there will be times when shes unavailable but it’s unacceptable if I’m too busy.

In my letter I basically told her I don’t feel cared for when we talk bc she’s not vulnerable with me which makes me feel not valued. As a friend, she’s great but as a bffl she’s not cutting it. I also said that she’s going to leave for residency and I don’t trust that we won’t be distant again, so I don’t want to fully invest myself. She told me my feelings are valid and that she’s been holding onto that pain from hs for a long time subconsciously and it’s affected her actions towards me. She essentially told me she doesn’t trust me bc she has a fear that I can leave at any moment and so won’t allow herself to be that vulnerable and clingy with me. I thought about that- and I agree it has been unfair to her. Just because I’m obsessive and crazy doesn’t mean I have the right to cut her off bc I feel like she’s not there enough. As an adult I have to understand that. To just drop off all communication like that, of course it’s going to have an effect. She agreed that we should have talked about the hs thing 10 fucking years ago instead of now. I think ultimately it would have been the same— I would have always felt bitterly jealous that she’s away busy doing stuff with other people. For me, there is no amount of talking or texting we could do that would replace an in person relationship. And sadly, there’s no way to sustain the relationship we had in hs. For her, it’s physically not possible and for me it’s not emotionally a good idea. Im very 0 to a 100 and that’s not how adults should be. She told me that it would probably be a good idea for me stay guarded and not extremely clingy as she goes off to her residency because we would be distant. I feel better talking to her and getting every thing off my chest esp bc I got to hear her side. I understand now why she acts the way she does, which makes me not harbor negative feelings for her.

[ourlittlebitofnothinguniverse]

Hey for the ask thing, all the questions you're comfortable with answering

oh boy!!! heck yeah fun shit thanks my dude! little did u Kno…… I LOVE oversharing !!! lmao muahahahahaha i’m probably gonna answer all of them thank u for enabling it lmfao

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

yah on Rly Bad days

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

like… 3.5? i like the dark but,,, ‘m Scare,,,,,

3. The person you would never want to meet?

Orange Turnip

4. What is your favorite word?

it changes tbh,, hm but i can’t think of any rn!

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

i’d be….. a nice oak! thicc and full of secrets

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i didn’t lmao reflection what’s that

7. What shirt are you wearing?

i’m wearing the dress i wore to work

8. What do you label yourself as?

annoying or boring lmao but also the Goblin King and that is Good

9. Bright room or dark room?

i still don’t know if this is referring to like paint shade or like the amount of light it gets or like if i sleep in a bright room or dark room so like??? *shrug emoji*

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

i was?? drawing i think

12. Who told you they loved you last?

i think it was @wrenn-frug​ 💕💖 lov u fren!

13. Your worst enemy?

dunno man probably myself but that sounds cliche so like??? the sun bc it always burns me

14. What is your current desktop picture?

a screenshot from song of the sea!!! lOVE that movie!!!! i’d post it but like?? i don’t think i have it saved anymore or if i do i don’t feel like looking but it’s that one scene where they’re walking thru the pretty field towards the trees and there’s foxes in the corner and she’s playing the shell it’s so pretty,,,,,

15. Do you like someone?

uh yah my cat

16. The last song you listened to?

Young God - Halseygood song lov it,,,,

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

oraNGE TURNIP

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

orange turnip my dude i Hate

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

uh nobody ????

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

my squishy thighs and my fantastic stretch marks (which have taken me YEARS to accept)

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

No

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

????????????? secret???? talent?????? lemme check, ,, , , *reaches into a bag* nope bitch empt y aint got No Talent lmao

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

okay so like this is really dumb and i partially answered this in this ask abt the flushing toilets @ night thing but like to elaborate and make it even more dumb not only am i afraid to flush toilets @ night bc it’s just rly creepy and loud to me (esp if i’ve been asleep) but like,, , sort of in the same vein of fear is that when i was little my older sister told me that there was a ghost in the toilet and if i don’t flush it’ll get me and like i kno it’s not tru but like,,,,,, Sometimes,,,,,, (i must clarify i’m not scared of toilets themselves but like flushing freaks me out sometimes like @ night or if i don’t flush fast enough lmao don’t look @ me i’m a mess)

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Excuse? is this like that i can ONLY eat this sandwich or is it that this is the only sandwich i can ever eat or like i can only ever have one last sandwich bc honestly i’m Not Okay with any of those scenarios no matter how many ingredients i get for the initial creation

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

Dream daddy dating simulator lmao uh?? also probably more food for archie bc he is Expensive

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Ireland probably. always wanted to see ireland

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

“Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out” like???? no???? if u don’t drink alcohol why would u want a lifetime supply??? unless i could like…. sell it??? whats the Most Expensive kind i’ll just get an unending supply of heavenly Expensive Alcohol to sell for incredibly inflated prices to the rich bc it’s From Heaven and give the money to the poor bc like,,, why not

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

bitches gotta keep they damn opinions to themselves if they can’t respect somebody’s life based on factors they can’t help (race, religion, orientation, gender etc) also no money like We Don’t Need It i’m so tired of Needing money

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Fuck bc u can use it in So Many situations

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

o shit probably the twenty dollar metallic watercolors i got bc shit son??? actually probably like my laptop or smth idk

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

my childhood thx

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

this is.. not a questionalthough it is a wonderful scenario

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

none of them bc if the celestial gates of the beyond is real then all the people i’d want to bring back are probably in a Better Place or something and why would i want to drag them to Hell?

34. What was your last dream about?

Cannot remember to save my life altho i kno it was rly weird and convoluted

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

u did not put anything Here so i will Ignore

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Nope

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yAH it’s fun!

38. What is the color of your socks?

not wearing any

39. What type of music do you like?

A Lot

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Sunsets,,, evening is so nice mm m

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

chocolate ayyyy

43. Do you have any scars?

a couple but like for Dumb Reasons

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

I’ve graduated hs but i wanna be an animator when i decide which college to go to

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

my brain pls bartender can i have a Healthy One (correction to favorite word #4: fav word currently is deign)

46. Are you reliable?

i would like to think so

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

are you happy?

48. Do you hold grudges?

YAH but only if i’ve been Pushed Too Far which is Pretty Damn Far by most ppls standards

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

none I am Not a God

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

i have had So Many???? the most recent one was two times in a row random ppl i barely knew asked me for my netflix account bc they didnt have one and like…. bro what who R U,,,,, (i had literally only talked to the first guy once for ten minutes on fb)

51. Are you a good liar?

is the sky green? don’t think so

52. How long could you go without talking?

Very Long but like Only on Bad Weeks

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

None my hair is Magnificent (idk)

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

like birthday cake? never but i lov to bake cakes so like i bake myself cakes all the time

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

i am so bad @ accents i can’t even Read in my Head in accents even though i know what the accent Should Sound Like

56. What do you like on your toast?

peanut butter and banan slices

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

working on a picture of a tiger redraw

58. What would be you dream car?

a Bike bc i Do Not Like cars

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

i only sing in the shower when nobody is home (which is infrequent bc my mom is Always here) bc i am self conscious around most ppl but like Music,,,,, also when i was little i would pretend that i was standing in the rain all sad like in movies lmao

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yah

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

i follow an astrology blog and i read homestuck i mean,,

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

i??? A maybe bc there are a lot of ways to write it pretty idk but like specifically capital A ig

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dragons they’re fire-breathing friends and i love them

64. What do you think about babies?

Gross

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

U Didn’t put anything Here either so like how abt i give u a random fact abt myself that seems good my favorite bird is the lammergeier bc they’re basically irl dragons and they’re so pretty??? love them??? also i hate monkeys and apes esp chimpanzes bc they are scary and too much like humans to me i don’t like them

BOY that took way longer than i thought bc i had to feed my cat halfway thru and everything and like this is a Long Post sorry guys but ayyyyy this was fun thanks ari

#ask meme #i think i asked all but like three

[hellotvv]

Tumblr

You know, it’s kinda crazy to think about... But one of the sites that I use the least nowadays is genuinely one of the sites that had the biggest impact in my life. I use instagram a lot nowadays, since it’s platform allowed me to meet and connect with new people. Maybe one day, it’ll even surpass tumblr’s impact on my life. Idk just random late night thoughts, but damn I never really took the time to appreciate this website LOL. 

I guess how I got into tumblr should be a starting point. My first gf basically Kristy was very into tumblr. I was not dating her at the time, just best friends. I had a childhood friend named Cynthia that actively used tumblr and had a pretty high following count. Honestly only nowadays do I think that I finally surpassed her in follower count LOL. She had like 15k-ish, back when I first started using this website in junior year. So Cynthia highly recommended that I start using tumblr. I initially used tumblr as a way of kinda bonding with her and later my future 1st gf (having stuff in common helps lolol). At first, I just posted selfies and looked up dumb stuff that I like, so HIMYM/pizza/food/funny stuff was all I posted in the beginning. I never really found the appeal to it tbh at first. Like I guess I post stuff I like, so I can show ppl my blog and they’ll know more about me. But uhh idk? I guess what kinda made me get more into it, is Cynthia had a high followers count and she legit wouldn’t tell me her blog, unless I had 200+ followers. I was like WTF, how do I even get 200 followers!? So I tried to grow in followers by idk reblogging some cool stuff I saw on a very popular blog. The blog is gone nowadays, but it was basically vertical pics idk. It had  landscape, which is basically what my blog is today. But it was like home stuff idk tumblr-esque vertical pics of home, roses, animals, landscapes, and stuff. I just reblogged stuff like that and uh did f4f until I hit like 1k LOL, then I started to join tumblr networks since Cynthia told me that tumblr networks are lit to make friends/grow. Tumblr networks did help me grow, but honestly it was orionfalls that made me get to like 20k followers today. Honestly I still queue up posts whenever I’m extremely bored once a month, so that my tumblr is still active. It’s crazy how uh strong my habits can be? I legit have always had posts queued up from 3rd year of HS to 3rd year of college and I only had a couple days, where I legit had 0 posts on kawaiitheo. The thing is, I never really took advantage of my high follower count. Like idk, if I posted something that is not a vertical landscape, it gets like 3-6 notes. I’ve noticed personal accounts with far far less followers than me have way better interaction... My landscape posts still get a decent amount of notes to this day. But it’s surprising how bad my interactions are ahhh. Like idk, I kinda always wanted a really high followers count with followers that wanted to be friends/get to know me/ask questions/etc... But I guess I should have tried to get popular in uh not landscapes LOL. But srsly, I have uploads that hit 100k+ notes... Also I legitly have 20k followers. I legit never did those promo4promos bs or anything after like 1k followers. All my followers found my blog and legitimately followed based on my content. I admit that orionfalls by queuing up my posts, I gain like 30ish folloewrs each time. But you’d have to go to my blog, see I have similar content to orionfalls, enjoy my content, and follow right? So I do have good notes on my landscape posts, but damn are ppl disinterested in me as a person :( Maybe I should have done more idk quotes reblogs/random text posts to make myself more than just a landscape posting robot LOL. Oh well... maybe if I’m really bored one day, I’ll try that.

Anyways, I’m getting super far off topic. Uhh, so Kristy had a tumblr, I made a personal tumblr since she didn’t really care for my landscape posts LOL. She did end up having a landscape blog and ended up following me again tho. She had a popular league of legends tumblr and tumblr was a cool activity/hobby that we both had. We’d share each other posts from tumblr and I got her into reddit, which she uses to this day. I think she stopped using tumblr tho. But tumblr was a cool hobby I had with her. I made my first every uh diary/journal like this, because of Kristy actually. She had kristyhere, which was her secret journal back then. She told me before we started dating when she had a crush on me and I was her best friend, that she had a private journal of thoughts that she liked to write on. She sometimes for whatever reason shared it with best friends that really knew her and who she didn’t mind knowing about her thoughts/feelings/secrets I guess. I was like woah o.o and read that blog religiously and apparently I was the first person to actually continuously check up on the private tumblr (pw protected, so can’t follow have to manually check). But yeah, fast forward started dating. I decided to make my own private secret blog and it somehow became my way of communicating with her, similar to what I later did with Stefanie actually... Unfortunately, I deleted the blog I had with Kristy after we broke up, so a lot of our idk history and my thoughts back then are gone. I do regret it a bit, so I don’t delete my blogs to this day. Since I figured it’ll be fun to look back many years from now to see my thoughts back then. But uhh, yeah used tumblr as a medium to communicate with my first gf, and it helped us idk bond and express feelings in a unique way. Since in these journals, you can have a conversation where you’re basically uninterrupted. You legit could type pages of your thoughts and the reader/SO just has to take all the thoughts in at once without being able to idk interrupt. It has it’s pros and cons definitely. But it was a way for her to idk complain about me haha and ofc randomly confess love for me. I guess the coolest thing about them nowadays is, I could always re-read her old blog posts about me and see how uh she fell for me, some really big highlight moments between us, and ofc uh dark times. I see my past dumb dumb dumb first relationship mistakes and idk silliness back then. But I also do remember sometimes she super misunderstood me based on her blog post, then after talking to her, she realizes oh haha my b. I guess I have a problem keeping this post consistent in topic. But yeah, tumblr had a huge impact on my life, since it was a way to I guess bond with my best friend, which later helped turn her into my gf. Also it was a cool hobby that we got to share together and a medium that we both used to communicate with each other occasionally.

Later on, it surprisingly led to me meeting basically the love of my life. I know I recently wrote a lot about idk Kristy and orionfalls (who I befriended through mutual interest in League, he has like 300k folloewrs crazy). Like I casually was browsing instagram and saw those kawaii battles, because linda chen? or whatever on ig was posting them. I saw Stefanie and thought oh wow what a cute girl LOL. I clicked on her instagram and then she had a tumblr~ I was still an active user of tumblr despite not being with Kristy anymore for like months at that time. I saw from her about she had a ridiculous amount in common with me and she lived in SoCal like wowow~ I didn’t think anything would come from it, but I just wanted to send her a compliment through her ask. Surprisingly she sent very wordy cute responses and we had back in forth conversations, before we transition over to kik. Then I think we had skype call together once, so I could hear her voice for the first time. Lol it’s crazy to think that I onced was kinda excited just to hear what she sounds like on Skype, and to think I was later in a position where I was sharing the same bed with her in her college dorm... Damn life is crazy. Then I found out her fb and slowly just started to message her from there. Only really talking to her later at night, since she had guard practice and no phone for a while LOL. Anyways, I had a crush on her, since she just typed really really cute and was just fun to talk to + was pretty. Idk I just really liked her personality :O and it was so nice and sweet, it’s like bro how can anyone hate this girl? Eventually I think it wasn’t until I started college that I started to talk to her again. December we had our first date and it was crazy! Eventually somehow began a real life relationship.. It became a relationship that kind of changed me, taught me more about relationships, made me really experience life (holy never drove in rain to LA before for a 1st date, never had that many sleepovers in general, never drove hours to LA, pulling all nighters for a girl, Valentine’s Day, driving on a random Thursday just to visit her since she was lonely, and etc etc). Like I guess in the process of idk trying to have a successful relationship with her, damn did I really experience life that I wouldn’t have experienced otherwise. Like idk I could write a bunch of what I learned like carrying conversations, having to plan the day even when I visit her in LA/her city, started to actively look for cool things to do like escape rooms or new places to go to, and idk improve as a person more for her + learn more about myself/relationships. But yeah, I’d say ig showed me Setefanie, but tumblr is obv where the relationship kinda all started. It brought to me a relationship + friendship that lasted from my senior year of HS all the way to before my 3rd year of college began. Crazy! From her junior year to 2nd year of college~ That’s some key years in a person’s life yo! I never really appreciated tumblr that much now that I think about it. But damn, it connected me with someone who undoubtedly had a huge impact on my life. So I guess I gotta appreciate this site more sometimes, even though I don’t really use it as much as in the past... It even has an archive of kinda my thoughts and feelings for years now from these journals/blogs, and on my personal blog of stuff I like, it sort of shows a shift on how I am at certain points of times and maybe slightly my interests idk. Also I similarly used tumblr personal blogs/journals as a way of communicate with Stefanie during the relationship too, so tumblr also get extra points for that. I guess I’m being really repetitive, but man do I take this site for granted in some ways. Like I don’t really use it that much, since idk not too popular and kinda boring nowadays, and it doesn’t really hold too close of a place in my heart. But it honestly should considering without it, oh man my life would be pretty different haha. 

SO yeah, I guess kinda just random thoughts about tumblr. Who knows when the day will come that I truly quit this site. But now that I reflected a bit, it’ll have a small small place in my heart. I still try to post on my personal account and reblog random stuff that I like every day, since idk habit. I don’t queue that much on kawaiitheo, but legit the queue count is 200+ so I don’t really have to queue for like 2 months prob lol. I even post on my fashion blog every couple days at least like 1 post... As for this blog and my personal secret blog, I kinda slowly am trying to let this blog die out. But sometimes I just come up with posts that just fits this a lot more. So idk soon? one day? Who knows.. Random late night reflections yo.. Damn have this site oddly had a huge impact in my life.