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#it was just as traumatic as i thought it would be
bouncybongfairy · 2 days
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Not A Peep
Simon (Ghost) Riley x Fem Reader Smut
Summary: You're a medic on Task Force 141 and Ghost finds out you have a thing for him when you get flustered stitching him up. Once you guys get back to the barracks, he fucks your throat under a desk.
Word Count: 1.0k+
Ref Account: @kaionyx
TW: Dom Ghost, Face Fucking, Rough Smut, BJ Under Desk
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
It was easy to separate yourself from all the stories being told while studying to be a combat medic. Tales about women falling for soldiers and then being immortally traumatized from watching the war take its effect on him. Whether it be emotionally or physically, the horror stories were gruesome. One teacher talked about how she had to treat her fiance after he’d been shot in the arm, apparently it fucked her up for a while. In a way, you would mock the fact that anyone would put themselves in that situation. Falling in love with someone with such a high risk job. It seemed like common sense not to put your heart on the line, especially when it could affect your job. 
That was until I met Simon and you started to understand that those wives tales weren’t so far fetched. The two of you didn’t talk much but it always felt like there was so much tension. Constantly making eye contact, becoming flustered and tongue tied whenever he spoke to you. Avoiding him when you could, not liking the feeling of your heart racing when you did. He held so much emotion in his eyes, like he was projecting his thoughts through eye contact. On a recent mission, a bullet brushed past the area above his hip bone; creating a laceration that needed stitches. Barding into the tent and pulling his pants down and shedding his gear.
 Immediately you get on your knees, pulling everything you needed to treat him out of your tactical vest. Looking up just before starting the first stitch, he was already looking down at you. His eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes were narrowed onto you. Blood was running down, trailing down the contour of his v-line. Hands started shaking slightly, especially as he started to moan and curse in pain. Even though you were fully aware his reaction was from discomfort, you couldn’t but imagine if it… wasn’t. 
He was watching you like a hawk, swiveling his head to watch you whenever you grabbed gauze. All hope that he didn’t notice you acting flustered was ditched when you started feeling dizzy, swaying a little. He grabbed your arm to prevent you from falling, your partner taking over. Now back in the barracks, you took a long hot shower. Trying to figure out why you got so in your head, the water began to run cold. Prompting you to get out and get dressed, walking back into your room. Ghost who was stripped of gear, laying back on the bed supporting his weight with his elbows. 
“Do you need me to redress that for you?” you asked, assuming he was waiting to see you about his wound. 
“No. Do you need me to undress you?” he asked, sitting up. 
“I- What?” you asked, taken off guard. 
“Do you. Need me to. Undress you?” he asked slower, like you were too dumb to answer the question. 
“I don’t understand-” you began saying. 
“No no, I saw you today. The way your eyes widened when you were on your knees in front of me. The desperation and neediness was so potent I could practically smell it on you. I could have taken you right there if I wanted, forced myself into your throat. So hot and bothered you couldn’t even do your job, I consume your thoughts. Don’t act like I don’t” he said, backing you against the desk that was in the corner. 
“I don’t-” he interrupted. 
“Wanna say something you regret,” he said, running his thumb over your bottom lip. Dipping it into your mouth, feeling around to see your reaction, “I think it safe to say that if you didn’t want my cock, you wouldn’t be sucking my finger like a whore. Would you?” he asks, you shake your head and in response he gives you a sharp smack on the cheek.
“Would you?” he asks again, giving you a chance to correct your answer. 
“Yes sir,” you say, melting at the way he looked at you. 
“Good girl, get under the desk.” He said, which you did without hesitation. 
He unzipped his fly, struggling for a second to free his member but finally got there. Sitting down in the office chair, rolling into the small space under the desk. Completely trapping you inside the small space. No longer being able to see above his shoulders, not that it mattered when his cock was right in front of you. Every time your lips finally encased his tip, he would use his hand and pull it away. You reach up and try to take his length into your hand. His voice booming through the room as he pulls away a couple inches to look you in the eyes. 
“Put your fucking hand down, you haven’t done anything to deserve it,” he said, scooting back in, using his hand to guide your head down. 
After all the teasing, the feelings of his cock pushing past your lips felt like heaven. Ever since you met him all you could think about was him ravaging you. Using your body for whatever he wanted. A loud groan coming from the back of your throat, his other hand was stroking your cheek. Slowly starting to push your head down further, you gagged which made him chuckle. 
“Fuck, I knew i’d eventually have you gagging around my dick,” he cooed, letting his head fall back. You looked up, now being able to see his exposed jawline. Reaching your hand down and starting to play with yourself. Spreading your wetness around and circling your clit. Moaning as drool and pre-cum started sliding down his shaft. He grabbed your hair and starting to fuck your mouth. His eyes were rolling back, feeling feral hearing the wet slobbering and slapping sounds. There was a knock at the door which made you squeal and try to pull away. 
“Shhhhh!” He hisses before clearing his throat and answering the door. However just before he does, he presses your head down, applying pressure with both hands on the back of your head. Forcing your lips all the way down to the base of his cock. 
“Yeah!” he yelled, Soap opened the door but remained in the doorway. 
“Have you seen y/n? We have training soon,” Soap asked while you were digging your fingernails into his boots, swallowing around his length which hurt slightly.
“Yeah, I think she went to get some fresh air,” Ghost said, stars were forming in your vision. Soap thanked him and promptly exited and Ghost finally let you pull back. Gasping for air and wiping the tears out of your eyes. He moaned as the cold air hit his dick just after getting used to your hot throat. 
“That’s a good girl, just breathe. Yeah, you’re a such a good fucking girl,” he snarled and pulled you back down on you. 
He stood up and balled his fist in your hair, and pinning his hands onto the top of the desk. Essentially locking you into place and he obliterated your throat. Making sure your nose was pressed into his base with every thrust. Not bothering to pull his cock out as he started came. Warm cum flooding down your throat and into your stomach. He pulled out, not wasting any time putting his dick away. You rested your upper body on the now empty chair that sat in front of you. Ghost squatted down and grabbed your wet chin to look up at him before speaking, 
“Firstly, you should thank me for feeding you before training. Secondly, I didn’t make you cum because you left scratch marks on my boot,” he said, walking out of the room.
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cosmiiwrites · 2 days
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·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ lovebirds
·:¨༺ clingy!sinner! adam x clingy!sinner!fem!reader ༻¨:·
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⋆.ೃ࿔*:・ req/summary: PLS clingy!sinner!adam and clingy!fem!sinner!reader where Adam reincarnated in Hell and went to the Hotel for help and ended up falling in love with Reader and they just CAN’T STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. Like, a concerning amount of PDA. Completely smitten, love-braindead, absolute lovebirds 😩. To the point where the other guests can’t stand them. If you don’t want to it’s okay! love your content 🥹 cw: fem!reader, cussing, fluff, partially suggestive a/n: accidently posted this in the middle of writing so i had to restart :') sorry this is also kind of late 😞 @callmerainman ty for the request <33 adam was fuming, he'd spawned in the place he swore he hated! he was stuck with all the filthy demons and sinners whom he'd used to slaughter. now he was one of them. disgusting, he thought. adam was left with one choice: the hazbin hotel. "fucking damn it." when he appeared outside the hotel’s doors, everyone (mostly vaggie) was urging charlie to turn him away. however, charlie being charlie, gave him a chance. why wouldnt she? this hotel was all about second chances!
adam definitely flipped vaggie off behind charlie’s back
at first, adam thought the hotel was boring; they had strict rules, most of which applied to him.
that is, until he set eyes on you. suddenly, he found himself actually wanting to participate in charlie’s “stupid therapy group shit” as adam would call it, because it meant that he’d be near you.
luckily for adam, you felt the same way. it wasn’t long before the both of you started dating.
and, oh boy, did you two make it clear.
you and adam were on each other 25/8, doesnt matter where or when.
wherever you were, adam was never far behind. (yes, that includes the bathroom. what did you expect?)
adam once tried convincing charlie to let you two just share a room, but she had to reject the idea. in the nicest way possible, of course.
“listen, adam, i LOVE how you and (name) are so close! but, um, i’d prefer if you two stayed in your separate rooms. everyone knows how… passionate you are together.”
poor charlie.
husk has had to kick you two out of the bar from time to time, after catching you with adam’s tongue down your throat in front of him. even angel dust, whose whole personality is being horny, gets grossed out by the both of you sometimes.
not to mention the PDA. adam had his hands on you. all. the. time. most of the time, he’d have his hand snaked around your waist while walking. or when sitting down, adam would have you on his lap.
if he feels like someone is talking to you for too long, he’d start making out with you on the spot to get them to walk away, partially traumatized.
you and adam are also embarrassingly cheesy. this includes nicknames.
charlie’s tried to sit you both down to talk about your behavior, but it was awkward when adam had you sat down on his lap, rubbing teasing circles on your thigh. she’d tried talking but her words were cut off by the sounds of your giggles. with a sigh, she gave up and let you two be.
———————————————————————
“i love you more!” you giggled, sitting on adam’s lap as you playfully pinched his cheek.
“no, i love YOU more,”
“nuh uh, i love—“
“OH MY FUCKING GOD. SHUT THE FUCK UP,” yeah, vaggie’s so done with you guys.
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cod-dump · 17 hours
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This could very much be an odd idea but thoughts on Nik not trusting barbers to get his hair or beard right (the word "beard" is used loosely) so he just does it himself, straight razor and all. Eventually Price finds out about this and, being a man of duty, takes it upon himself to take care of his partner. This ends up with Price sitting on Nik's lap with all of Nik's shaving tools laid out and Price sternly telling him to "shut up and sit still" everytime he tries to make a joke about their proximity
Date Night
PriceNik
———
Nik won’t cut his hair or shave until he considers it bothersome. And when he does it’s all coming off. And Price hates it. Nik would just take it all off at once and Price wouldn’t even recognize him. They made their current arrangement years ago after Price finally had enough.
Now they had a system. Nik would tell Price when his hair and scruff would be bothering him and Price would quickly arrange a time they could sit down and he would take care of it. Nik liked to consider it date night for them because it was always so tender. The way Price would hold his face and get close? He looked forward to it ever since the first time.
He would get drinks for them (afterwards on Price’s insistence) and order in food. He would have some music lined up that would be soft, something Price liked and enjoys. Nik took date night seriously, especially since it was an opportunity to get Price to relax.
“What did you order this time? Smells amazing,” Food had gotten here sooner than expected, an error on Nik’s part. So now the delicious aroma was haunting them before Price had even started trimming his hair.
“Indian, your favorite.”
Nik made sure to go the extra mile to get food from Price’s favorite place, a whole country away. But nothing was too much for him to get something that’ll make Price’s night. Nik had one of his men go out and get it for him with the promise of giving him enough money to get himself something extra (be it food or something else entirely).
“We’re already married, you don’t have to keep trying to impressing me,” Price joked as he made sure he had everything he needed before he started on Nik’s hair.
“Nonsense, have to make sure you know you made the right choice.”
“Again with the charming.”
Price had turned away, confirming that Nik had him blushing. It was one of Nik’s favorite hobbies and one that he’s only allowed to do behind closed doors. He made Price blush once in front of the boys and that’s all they needed to torment the man for weeks on end. Price hasn’t forgiven him and sworn him from flirting in public. Nik had to play nice to get back the right to be affectionate in the common area again.
“Seeing some silver here.”
Nik almost melted when he felt his husband’s fingers touch his hair, his nails light scraping his scalp as he combed through with his fingers. Nik easily could fall asleep with Price petting his hair, but Price wasn’t allowing him and tugged a strand harshly.
“Sit up straight.”
“Bossy,” Nik teased which immediately earned him another tug. Nik sat up straight and allowed Price to comb through his hair before he started trimming.
Price was surprisingly very good with hair. Nik suspected he started when Ghost was brought home, very traumatized and unable to look himself in the mirror or go out in public. Price had taken it upon himself to help the man keep up with his appearance. Once Ghost gotten better, Price seemed to turn his new skill onto Nik.
“You would make a good living in a hair salon. Just need to get practice with color.”
Price hummed as he cut Nik’s hair, “You offering?”
“Hm, no. I might just keep the grey, remind myself how far I’ve survived.”
Price finished with his hair, now just under his ears. Price gently fluffed his hair, perhaps admiring his work or being affectionate.
“Could get some orange in there.”
Nik snorts, “Orange?”
“Maybe some purple, too.”
“I like Halloween but not that much,” Nik laughed, once again melting against Price’s touch. Price’s laugh was heavenly and Nik couldn’t stop grinning.
Price deemed Nik’s hair acceptable before he went to prepare to shave and trim the scruff on his face. Nik wasn’t as gifted in growing facial hair as Price but it still needed to be maintained to look presentable. Nik was just shaving it all off but Price had mentioned he liked it on him, so it stayed. And now Price tended to it, Nik happily letting him do whatever he wished.
Price used to stand over him to shave and trim the scruff, but they both found that the process was much easier and faster with Price on Nik’s lap.
“Keep your hands to yourself.”
Nik grinned at the warning, “I’m used to you not having so much clothing when you’re like this.”
Price smacked his head with a glare, Nik continuing to grin. Price being so close to his face, holding it and using sharp objects — It was safe to say that he was the only person Nik had ever let get this close. He was one of the only people Nik would ever trust to do this. Price knew that, Nik could tell with how he touched him. How his fingers stroked his cheek, how soft his eyes were.
Price knew how much Nik trusted him, how much he loved him. Moments like this meant so much to them. These moments allowed them to demonstrated how much they meant to the other, how much trust and love they had. Nik had closed his eyes, the ultimate sign of him allowing himself to be completely vulnerable and open to Price. It was a gift, something Price returns fully.
“There,” Price leaned back on Nik’s lap, hands on the man’s shoulders. The movement caused Nik to open his eyes, greeted by Price’s eyes which were full of love, “Much better.”
“Still has handsome as the day we met?” Nik asked, completely at Price’s mercy.
“No. Much more now than ever.”
Nik couldn’t help but laugh, quickly silenced by a kiss to his lips. The kiss was short, Price pulling away and pressing a kiss to his nose before moving up and kissing his forehead. The sweet, simple act made Nik shudder, he had never expected himself to fall so deep for someone.
“Я тебя люблю,” Nik said without thinking, a phrase he has said countless times in his life, and the majority of it was for the man currently on his lap and destroying every wall he has ever built.
“I love you, too.”
There was moment of silence, of them staring into each other’s eyes, before Price pulled away and got off Nik’s lap.
“Go clean up so we can eat. I’m starving.”
Nik laughed and did as he was told. As he strip himself of his clothes and went to shower, he couldn’t help but smile and think about how much he adores these moments.
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starsreminisce · 2 days
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When examining the context of Lucien's statement "I am a mated male" now, it's essential to consider everything that preceded it. Lucien's desire to reach Elain predates his deterring Ianthe. Upon his return from the Spring Court, he already had a plan to reach Elain, recognizing that Feyre was the most direct route to her.
Lucien's assertion that he is a mated male stems from the reality that he is indeed mated, and his mate has endured something traumatic. She is now with someone who held his mind and threatened to harm his mother.
Someone who Feyre kept insisting manipulated her.
ACOMAF:
Lucien was shaking his head, panting, and whirled to us. “Get her back,” he snarled at Tamlin over the ranting of the king. A mate—a mate already going wild to defend what was his.
Lucien spun toward me, and that metal eye whirred and narrowed. Centuries of cultivated reason clicked into place. I was not panicking at my sisters being taken. I said quietly, “We will get her back.” But Lucien was watching me warily. Too warily.
“How did you break free of his control,” Lucien said flatly from behind us. Tamlin gave him a warning growl. I’d forgotten he was there. My sister’s mate. The Mother, I decided, did have a sense of humor. “I wanted it—I don’t know how. I just wanted to break free of him, so I did.” We stared each other down, but Tamlin brushed a thumb over my shoulder. “Are—are you hurt?” I tried not to bristle. I knew what he meant. That he thought Rhysand would do anything like that to anyone— “I—I don’t know,” I stammered. “I don’t … I don’t remember those things.” Lucien’s metal eye narrowed, as if he could sense the lie.
“Forever,” I parroted, glancing behind—to where Lucien stood in the gravel drive. His gaze on me. Face hard. As if he’d seen through every lie. As if he knew of the second tattoo beneath my glove, and the glamour I now kept on it. As if he knew that they had let a fox into a chicken coop—and he could do nothing. Not unless he never wanted to see his mate—Elain—again. I gave Lucien a sweet, sleepy smile. So our game began.
ACOWAR:
I wondered what Lucien truly made of it. And the fact that the collateral in her friendship with Hybern had wound up being his mate. Elain. We had not spoken of Elain save for once, the day after I’d returned. Despite what Jurian implied regarding how my sisters will be treated by Rhysand, I had told him, despite what the Night Court is like, they won’t hurt Elain or Nesta like that—not yet. Rhysand has more creative ways to harm them. Lucien still seemed to doubt it.
I studied the broad, tan hand wrapped around my elbow. Then I met one eye of russet and one of whirring gold. Lucien breathed, “Where is he keeping her?” I knew who he meant. I shook my head. “I don’t know. Rhysand has a hundred places where they could be, but I doubt he’d use any of them to hide Elain, knowing that I’m aware of them.” “Tell me anyway. List all of them.” “You’ll die the moment you set foot in his territory.” “I survived well enough when I found you.” “You couldn’t see that he had me in thrall. You let him take me back.” Lie, lie, lie. But the hurt and guilt I expected weren’t there. Lucien slowly released his grip. “I need to find her.” “You don’t even know Elain. The mating bond is just a physical reaction overriding your good sense.” “Is that what it did to you and Rhys?”
Ianthe lifted her head, scanning my unsure, if not a bit aloof, face. “So you could be with them forever. And if Lucien had discovered that Elain was his mate beforehand, it would have been … devastating to realize he’d only have a few decades.” The sound of Elain’s name on her lips sent a snarl rumbling up my throat. But I leashed it, falling into that mask of pained quiet, the newest in my arsenal. Lucien answered, “If you expect our gratitude, you’ll be waiting a while, Ianthe.” Tamlin shot him a warning look—both at the words and the tone. Perhaps Lucien would kill Ianthe before I had the chance, just for the horror she’d put his mate through that day.
I asked Lucien to escort me, and he’d been more than happy to do so, given that his own status as a mated male made him uninterested in any sort of female company these days. And given that Ianthe had been trying to corner him all day to ask about what had happened at the ceremony.
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zwhoreo · 1 day
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Hi! Can I request a fic where the fem!reader helps Luffy to deal with the trauma of losing his brother?
omg first fic after i randomly left for 2 months!! but im back to writing angst again im in an angst phase
also i ended up not specifying anything gendered for reader, hope that’s chill that it’s x gn! i mostly reserve gendered language for smut
wake up @nina-ya i finished the fic i said i’d finish 2 months ago
nightmares - luffy x gn!reader
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angst, hurt/comfort, fluffy ending
❕SPOILERS FOR MARINEFORD❕
summary: the trauma of marineford gives luffy nightmares, and you need to comfort him while he’s vulnerable and scared
contains: luffy in a distressing emotional situation, luffy is traumatized, references to marineford/ace’s death/timeskip
words: 2k
_______________________________
Luffy never used to remember his dreams. They were hazy and soft, they made him feel warm and fuzzy when he woke up, he would stretch and yawn and they’d go away so fast and so gently like butterflies flying away. And then he’d see you and hold you and kiss you until you were awake too, as excited to see you and his heart so warm and full of love.
And you were there to enjoy his dreams, he was a noisy sleeper who mumbled happy little thoughts unintelligibly into your neck, he would kick and pinch and squeeze in his sleep which you had to learn to live with because he couldn’t go to sleep without a hug and you’d be the one to give it to him all night. But he’d often end up moving and rolling around, tangling himself uncomfortably, protective instincts kicking in he'd get on top of you and lay there, starfish. When he awoke in the night he’d assume his most comfortable and close position with lazy kisses. He was so, so happy every night.
That was two years ago.
He’s still the same boy he was then, still giving you all those awkward little affections during the night that you missed so much while you were away. But now there’s more. Now, sometimes, he has nightmares. Awful ones that torment him every so often and make him upset and sad when he awakes in the dark, make him begin to cry when he realizes you aren’t in his arms anymore. You always pray for nights when he’s calm like he used to be, you make sure to massage him and kiss him as he falls asleep to coax those good dreams back and help him heal. Of course those years ago he’d get upset and scared and sometimes he wouldn’t feel well when he woke up, but that was so rare, that was when something bad had just happened and he was very stressed but it was so rare because he was so, so happy.
Luffy’s happy now, too. He hasn’t changed much, really, still an excitable, bouncy kid, always smiling, but now you have to worry about the night. You have to worry about dark thoughts and memories bubbling over when he’s most vulnerable until his body shakes and even your affection is barely enough. This is terrible for you, so unbearably terrible. You have to learn how to soothe something broken, something you love with every fraction of your shattered heart.
_________________________________
You’re asleep, a dull, unbreakable sleep, you’d curled up in Luffy’s arms when it was time for bed and you’d cuddled together and giggled and kissed until you both fell asleep in a joyful pile. Now you’re so content, you don’t even notice how Luffy had accidentally rolled away from you in the night, sheets all tangled up with you and keeping a distracting warmth.
Luffy’s dream isn’t bad at first. It’s the kind where you’re not quite there, floating above the world in just a dull picture, no sound or feeling or touch. It’s just the ocean, a bird over the sea. But suddenly the ocean is stone and the sky is fire and he’s disoriented, where is he? What’s happening? He looks at his hands and they’re red and he’s frozen in fear like you sometimes are in nightmares. He knows in his fractured, cloudy little mind that something bad is going to happen and he’s going to see that picture again. A thousand flashbulb memories are going to explode at once, in fire. In the waking world in bed he’s twitching and sweating and his eyes are shifting furiously beneath his lids, and you don’t know, you aren’t there to hold him.
Ace. Ace’s smile and his soft black eyes and they’re playing in the jungle together and running and running and now that’s gone, the fire’s back. It all happens at once, so much blood, holding something fading and dying. Heartsick over a goodbye. It’s one of those nightmares where you cry and scream so much and as loud as you can because everything’s happening to you at once, but you can’t make any sound, you’re just in a tidal wave of amplified agony. And that’s how Luffy lives in this moment, unable to make out much of anything except darkness and pain, shaking and overheating in his sleep.
But the anguish bursts all around him and then suddenly the fire’s gone and everything is quiet again and Luffy’s awake, tangled uncomfortably in the blankets, face covered in tears. He can’t catch his breath and his mind is full and blurry and empty all at once. Suddenly the darkness of the cabin is all encompassing, sickly, he wants it to be day again and for the world to feel safe and happy and oh, where are you?
Fear squeezes his heart as he tries to find you in the darkness, are you gone? He can’t handle being alone right now, he can’t do this, he searches with his hands in the dark and cries and feels the panic burning a hole in his stomach but finally he turns to his left and there you are. Sleeping. Despite all of this you’re still sleeping, curled up and breathing slowly, unaware and at peace. Luffy wants to wake you up so badly because he doesn’t want to be alone but he doesn’t want to worry you.
So he climbs into your arms and breathes you in. He buries his face in your chest and tries to calm his injured heart.
Biting his lip and shaking he tries so hard not to cry. He can’t bother you, he knows you’ll be sad and worried which he really doesn’t want. But his whole body hurts, he wants your arms to be tighter, he squeezes and squeezes begging silently for relief and for everything to go away but it wasn’t just a night terror it was a memory and memories don’t just go away. So he cries.
You’re stirred from sleep because the sound of Luffy crying is the worst thing you could possibly hear, a thousand of your own memories are brought back and some deep instinct is triggered within you, pulling you, you wake up immediately and the first thing you do is get on top of him and lock him in your arms, trying to breathe slowly so he will too.
He twitches beneath you, cloudy realization that he’s no longer alone. His arms are around you, fingers digging in, sharp pain, he’s trying so hard to make his tears stop as you hold him and stroke his face. But he’s a possessive, needy boyfriend who’s comforted by protecting who he loves. He sits up, taking you with him, he wraps his arms around you tighter and tighter and then his legs. He’s breathing heavily on your face, eyes closed, sad still but resilient. You’re pinned to him, unable to move, but you massage the tension out of his back and shoulders as best you can.
“Did you have a nightmare?” you whisper and he nods against you and holds you even tighter if that’s possible, “…do you wanna talk about it?”
So he nods very gently but he doesn’t say anything. His hands are twitching against you, scratching at your back in leftover desperation.
“Was it about him?”
Luffy leans against you, hopeless and drained, you don’t need him to answer so you just press your cheek against his and pet his hair. And his shoulders shake as he cries silently in your arms.
You rest there for a few minutes, unable to do much other than just hold him, and he whispers in your ear, “I miss him so much.” Which wets your eyes because there’s so much pain in those five words. His voice is breathy, far away.
“I know, Lu… I’m sorry.” You’re not good at this, you think. You never really know what to say because this goes deeper than words can touch.
Luffy bites his lips. He doesn’t want to cause you pain and knowing that he is, it’s just piling on top of his despair. There’s so many times he’s oblivious to how you’re feeling but when things are broken, when you’re in distress, reality tugs at the inside of his heart.
“I’ve got you,” you whisper, fingers in his hair, you kiss his neck gently and the warmth is getting through to him, so gradually.
“I want him here. I just…” Luffy’s voice is breaking. And you taste fresh tears as you move your lips higher. “I miss him,” he says again.
“I know how much he meant to you. Hey, Luffy…” The slow rise and fall of your chest is slowly steadier his breath now. He looks up at you, that sadness in his eyes is almost too painful to handle but you look at him anyways, eye contact with something beautiful soothes his soul. “He’d be so proud of you. And how strong you are.”
He’s heard this before. Luffy sniffles, he knows it’s true but only so much of that can help.
“He’d be proud of you, because you never gave up, right? You kept going and you got stronger.” And you’re not talking about his physical strength, really. You tap the side of his head gently. “Up here.”
Luffy nods subtly, his tears are stopping slowly as he clings to the comfort of your words, his greatest comfort in the world is protecting people he loves, being there for someone. He’s still guilt ridden at letting his brother die for him but as long as he keeps living he’s living for Ace, honoring him, being there for him even if he’s gone.
And that’s what you say next, reading his mind. “What matters is that you’re alive. You didn’t let what he did for you go to waste, he’d be so proud of that. This is exactly what he wanted, yeah?” Your hands trace circles on Luffy’s back as you feel him relax very slowly.
“I’m so happy you’re still here,” you whisper right in his ear.
“Mhm…” Luffy’s lips find yours, hovering, just touching you. “I’m not letting you go, ‘kay?” His words are so deep and genuine. There’s heartache there but an impenetrable love, most of all. His arms are flexed around your body, he’s squeezing you and it’s almost uncomfortable but you have to let him right now.
“I’m not going anywhere.” You manage a smile which makes him smile too.
It seemed impossible for Luffy to get even more loving but he definitely was when you saw him again. You’re the one who’s getting it all, all the affection he wanted to give to his brother.
“You wanna hang out for a while?” You offer because you’re scared to let him sleep again. “It’s ok to stay up. If you’re tired tomorrow I’ll take a nap with you.”
He likes that idea. Maybe you’ll get something to eat, even take a walk on the deck if it’s not too cold. He just wants your company. He wants to spend as much time with you as he physically can to make up for everything and to show you how much love he has to give.
“I love you, mh, let’s stay up an’ hang out,” his words are quiet and gravelly from sleep and tears but what matters is he’s smiling now. He’s back to living in the moment tonight, and you’re his moment.
The next morning he’ll be completely back to himself. He’ll kiss you good morning but he’ll act like the night never happened, probably, because it’s nicer to be happy and enjoy the day. He has you, he knows everything’s going to be alright.
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newtonsheffield · 2 days
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What’s going through Mary’s head on her way to the hospital?
Honestly Mary’s having a real time of it.
She’s just been told her child’s been shot at, and she’s seen footage of Kate screaming for the man in her arms as he tumbled to the ground. She’s watched her daughter be dragged to safety and she doesn’t know for sure if Kate’s even really alright despite initial reports that she’s uninjured.
There’s also the fact that this is final confirmation that Kate and Anthony are in some kind of a relationship. There’s a beard trimmer and a toothbrush in Kate’s bathroom when she goes in there to get some things for Kate, and Anthony’s clothes are strewn about her wardrobe. There’s signs that her child is living a whole life that she thought she couldn’t share with her. Mary’s devastated for that alone. Kate didn’t think she could tell her parents this and that’s a failing, in Mary’s eyes. She and Tharman have disappointed Kate in this way she feels.
But this isn’t about Mary now. Kate’s been through an incredibly traumatic experience and this is about what she needs. She does find a moment to call her husband while she disappears on the premise of getting food for everyone though. And that’s a hard conversation.
“She’s fine.” Mary said, her hands finally shaking, letting herself fall apart just a little. “She had some stitches once she knew it looked like Anthony would pull through.”
“How is he?” Tharman asked wearily, “Is he going to survive this?”
“Thankfully, yes.” Mary paused before she said the next thing she knew she had to. “Ronald was with them as well. She… told him she didn’t… care if she got shot as well.”
Stunned silence rang through the phone before her husband spoke. “Jesus Christ. What are we supposed to do?”
Mary took a deep breath, “Thank the man who saved our daughter’s life by being supportive. She didn’t think she could tell us this, Tharman. That’s on us. I went to her rooms today, I saw how ingrained he is and she didn’t tell us.”
“We have a great relationship. We do, it’s open it’s-”
“Well, obviously not as open as we thought. And we don’t get to make this about us so you are going to come back here with me tomorrow. You’re going to look him in the eye and say thank you and not grumble.”
“I never grumble.”
“You grumble a lot.”
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hiiragi7 · 3 days
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hi there!! i've been reading some of the discussions you've had & many of them are super informative and some comforting to read from the perspective of someone who's questioning if they might be plural/have a CDD. i really appreciate ur blog & the views and experiences u share on it, it feels like a warm hug amidst The Horrors of Syscourse.
i've had something on my mind though. this is probably a silly question, but it's possible to have a CDD without (C)PTSD, right? admittedly i'm kind of just asking this for reassurance while i'm on my own discovery journey. like. i have experienced traumatic events and some of it is ongoing & i'm still living with the people responsible, but i don't think i fit the PTSD criteria due to not experiencing flashbacks or strong emotions related to the events—i usually just feel totally empty & detached from it. i still believe i've been negatively affected by the events hence considering them traumatic, but that doesn't include any kind of flashbacks.
i've been trying to look into it & find answers but i've seen a lot of conflating of having experienced trauma with having PTSD, so most of what i find is "can you be plural/have a CDD without trauma" discourse.
i think it'd be neat to see more conversations about this but free to ignore this ask if u don't want to answer it/if u don't feel equipped to! wishing u the best. have a great day!!
This is actually a very interesting question.
I've read a lot of medical literature on trauma, and each author in the field seems to define what qualifies as PTSD or PTSD symptoms differently, which also lines up with my own experiences with medical professionals in practice. In general, me simply being traumatized was enough for me to be given an automatic PTSD diagnosis, regardless of which therapist or psychiatrist I saw. Some professionals I saw were very specific with what they called what, others were a lot more loose with it.
I've seen a lot of differing definitions and academic debate over what qualifies as a flashback, dissociation, a posttraumatic symptom, and so on. That is to say, it can all be very vague.
For example, there are other forms of flashbacks that exist outside of the well-known ones; some people only relive traumatic events emotionally, or through repeated thought processes, or somatic pain. A lot aren't even aware these are flashbacks, because it's experienced as 'random' emotions or pain or spirals or some other response, and a lot have trouble figuring out what even triggers these responses.
Would these experiences fall under what we call flashbacks in PTSD? Well, it probably depends on who you ask. And, in practice, whether someone with these experiences gets diagnosed with PTSD or a mood disorder or a personality disorder or somatic pain syndrome depends on the medical professional evaluating them.
To further complicate it, a lot of people don't experience overt c/PTSD symptoms until they are no longer living in the traumatic situation, which, for people who develop cPTSD, means they may not show obvious symptoms until a very, very long time after the trauma started. I didn't start getting "classic" PTSD flashbacks and "waking up in a panic attack in the middle of the night" type nightmares about the trauma until I wasn't around the people who did it anymore. However, I have experienced many other trauma-related symptoms and heavy dissociation ever since I was very very little. Before I was diagnosed with PTSD in highschool, I was diagnosed with a lot of other things first.
There's also just the fact that, for whatever reason, people don't all develop the same symptoms in response to trauma. Some people with very complex trauma never experience classic PTSD symptoms. Some people are very dissociative and numb, or develop mood disorders, or obsessive-compulsive symptoms, or somatic symptoms, or eating disorders, or some combination of things. Some people never externally harm themselves or cope using substances while others develop addictions to these things.
In addition, some people's experiences with trauma don't fall under the PTSD criteria's definition of trauma, so even if other symptoms are present they don't "technically" fit criteria. And sometimes medical professionals use their own judgement and diagnose these people with PTSD anyway, and sometimes they don't.
Plenty of people diagnosed with other childhood trauma-based disorders besides CDDs also don't fit c/PTSD criteria or show many c/PTSD symptoms or receive a comorbid c/PTSD diagnosis for whatever reason. It's complicated and messy.
This is all to say, I've encountered medical professionals who treat PTSD as synonymous with "traumatized" and are very loose with what they call PTSD and I've also encountered medical professionals who are very strict about the criteria and are very insistent on only diagnosing people who fit that, and I've met a lot of professionals somewhere in the middle as well. I've also encountered plenty who would much rather focus on helping the symptoms than on what the diagnosis is or isn't, and who don't really like the way mental health diagnosis is structured in the first place.
So, to come back to your question... I don't think there really is an objective answer to it, though personally I'd just say "sure it's possible, and I wouldn't really worry about it much."
In the end, what I've found is that it doesn't actually really matter that much? Regardless of whether there is comorbid PTSD or whether there isn't (or whether it's delayed onset or etc), in the end what you're dealing with if you have a CDD is still trauma, and the treatment for that is more or less the same, regardless of what you call it. There might be differences in, say, approaches to medication specifically, or specific symptoms, but even that is often just throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. Honestly, in my experience, treatment mostly looks different based on symptoms and individual needs rather than diagnoses, really.
In general, I find that a lot of people dealing with trauma and mental illness tend to over-focus on diagnosis and getting it right and trying to figure out whether they "really" have something or whether they're mistaken or somehow faking or so on. I think that's an unhelpful approach to it; there's no objective way to confirm that sort of thing, and either way you still need ways to cope with your symptoms, and coping skills are useful regardless of diagnosis. Learning how to ground yourself is useful regardless of whether you "really" dissociate that bad, learning emotional regulation skills is useful regardless of whether you "really" have severe mood swings, learning calming techniques and self-care and how to be gentle with yourself are good things for everyone to learn, coping skills are not just for people with certain diagnoses. In fact, you don't even need a diagnosis of anything to do these things.
And with trauma, like... it's all just trauma processing in the end, really.
I'll even go as far to say that even if you don't have PTSD, books and resources for PTSD might still be useful to you if you have a CDD or another trauma-related disorder, since a lot of symptoms overlap with other disorders and especially with trauma the recommendations for what to do about it tend to be applicable to a lot of different situations outside of strictly PTSD.
I realize I rambled a long time just to say "well, it's complicated and depends on what we mean by PTSD, but also it's all trauma anyway" but I hope this was helpful still?
I'm also glad to hear what you said about my blog, it was very nice to read.
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spacedlexi · 2 days
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Was AJ justified or not?
not justified. understandable, but not justified
the situation was a bad one. marlon Was trying to kill clem. aj was ready to do whatever he needed to to protect her. but hes a young child. either through fighting or talking marlon will stand down. the threat has been dealt with but aj doesnt realize that. marlon drops the gun and aj takes it because he still feels threatened and is ready to do what he thinks he has to to protect clem (whos life WAS on the line twice that night). he doesnt know the difference because hes never been taught the difference. all he knows is danger and survival. hes unsocialized and doesnt know what its like to be a part of a larger group. he was already biting and hitting anyone who would come up behind him reflexively because hes a traumatized little kid who doesnt know anything besides protecting himself first and asking questions later
he messed up. he thought he was helping. he wanted to protect clem. he was scared. it was a horrible mistake, but its not like marlon was completely innocent. marlon Was a threat, he just wasnt anymore when aj finally got his gun back. aj just couldnt recognize that because hes 5 years old and doesnt know any better. louis yells at clem asking her what the hell she taught him, but its more about what he Wasnt taught. he only knows survival and to eliminate threats. no room for nuance because its just been him and clem and a fight for survival for years. ericson is the kind of environment aj desperately needs, where he can be Safe, where survival isnt the only thing he needs to focus on. he needs socialization and support and patience, otherwise he will only get worse. clem knows this. its partially why shes so desperate to find a home for them. she sees what the world is doing to this little boy and so desperately does not want that for him, even if it keeps him safe
i do not like a justified aj. for me teaching him to be repentant and to know the difference between a threat like marlon and a threat like lilly is important. marlon wasnt a monster, he was a scared kid just like aj is, and they both make mistakes that cost people their lives. but lilly IS a monster, in the sense that she is a legitimate threat that cannot be reasoned with. so teaching aj that him killing marlon was wrong, but still telling him to shoot lilly, i have confidence in him that he Can tell the difference, it just needs reinforcing in the cave for him to Get It. to steer him away from that anger. hes learning when to make the hard calls. and because of that i believed him when he gave his little speech in the cave. i Did trust him. but seeing other routes and other cave speeches i can def understand why some people didnt trust him. raising aj into a person you can trust feels like the whole point to me. people will teach aj that he was justified and then hate him for his actions like YOU TAUGHT HIM THAT
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prince-liest · 2 days
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re your notes on the latest 666 update: are you saying if alastor had pressured him for longer he could have convinced vox to "switch out his equipment"? making the whole experience uncomfortable at best and extremely dysphoric/potentially traumatic for him? damn that's one depressing thought... thank somebody alastor's sadism doesn't manifest aimlessly
Not exactly, but mostly because Vox wasn't lying about it not being physically possible to just swap shit out like that. I think that if Alastor was a very different kind of person, then he has the emotional leverage over Vox to be able to wheedle, browbeat, and "oh, it's not that big of a deal, no need to be dramatic" Vox into second-guessing himself and making concessions on his gender presentation that he would be deeply uncomfortable with. The fact is, Vox is drawing this boundary, but drawing a boundary and being able to firmly back it up to the face of someone you're deeply, obsessively in love and finally, finally getting a chance with when you've also spent the last many, many years in a second toxic relationship as your "normal" are two different things. And he almost immediately oscillates about comproming on the boundary before Alastor even says anything before outright asking Alastor to just tell him that he doesn't have to.
But Vox being able to do one of them and then not having to do the second is, in fact, still a very helpful thing for him to have happen!
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psychokatrixxxy · 5 hours
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So I just had a small realization.
TW: Very rough description of autopsy procedures and handling of a corpse.
I haven't done much research so I could be getting somethings wrong, so if you are a medical examiner/mortician and you want to correct something, go ahead, I'd be up to learn more about autopsies just for curiosity sake.
So we all know when Jason came back to life he crawled out of his grave, which is already a horrible. But something I only just thought about is how, when he first came back in that coffin, he wouldn't be able to open his eyes or mouth.
Depending on the protocol for autopsies in Gotham, his eyes could be glued shut or held shut with contact like things that have tiny spikes that dig into the eyelid keeping it in place.
And as for his mouth, again this depends on what exactly the medical examiner that handled Jason's autopsy does because there are a few ways to keep a deceased person's mouth shut post-mortem. One is to sew the mouth closed, another is by using a special mouthguard that contains tiny spikes on the outer surface that keeps the mouth closed permanently....
So yeah, I realized all this and felt really sad because Jason has already gone through so much, and adding these small details build an even bigger picture of just how traumatizing it would be.
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pluralcultureis · 19 hours
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I'm a 15 year old and I've done some heavy research on osdd1a and I have almost all of the symptoms. I know if I tell my parents, they will probably get mad at me. And, I've had alot of traumatic things happen to me but I don't think any of them is bad "enough" to make me a system, what should I do?
I am absolutely not qualified to tell you if you are or aren't a system, but I can tell you that if you don't think it's safe to tell your parents do not tell them
Ik it sucks, we were aware of our system at 15 too, but when we were that age our safest option was to just focus on day to day and not worrying too much about the system
Sometimes all you can do is wait until your in a safer environment before you start doing more than just being mildly aware of what's going on in your head
And chances are if you aren't in a safe environment, trying to discover more about your system isn't going to actually work all that well
Most of what we've learned about our system only actually happened once we moved out. Before then we had a gatekeeper who was actively confusing us and lying to us just because he thought it would keep us safer in the environment we were in
Look into coping mechanisms, try to set yourself up a group of friends you trust that can help you heal
For now it's likely your best option is just going to end up being a kind of "wait until you can talk to a professional"
Especially because there's a possibility you have traumas you might not remember, and trying to remember those with out professional help can cause serious harm
Just try to give yourself breathing room, figure out what helps you best
And again, we aren't professionals, take everything we say with several grains of salt
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thebeautysurrounds · 2 days
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I’ve been thinking a lot about how people’s reactions to certain queer shows and something I think we need to examine how we treat more ‘dark’ and ‘emotional’ shows versus more ‘happy’ shows in this case I’m gonna be talking about the “debate” between Young Royals and Heartstopper.
Firstly these shows exist in two different lanes, and draw in two different audiences and potential age ranges, in my opinion, Young Royals is for older teenagers (think juniors or seniors or someone who is about to graduate high school and is going into college) while Heartstopper is geared towards those who are just starting high school or in the middle of it and is in that transitional period of their lives. Obviously, if you are not in these age ranges you can still consume and enjoy these shows, But I want to discuss how people act like they both can’t exist and you can’t like both or both shows existing for a reason. I’ve never really been a fan of punching down or belittling queer media (unless it’s harmful) Queer media in all forms is still lacking (especially those mediums centering WLW relationships). That being said the debate of which show is better is honestly so tired.
For people who say Young Royals is so much better (don’t get me wrong it is an amazing show and by all means like whatever you want) but liking it more because it’s “darker and more realistic” compared to Heartstopper which is "much happier" and "unrealistic," To me is so disingenuous because firstly so what? campy shows that feature queer characters deserve to be unrealistic, What's wrong with being unrealistic? Queer media has been subject to the Burry Your Gays narrative for decades or extremely unhealthy tropes and storylines so what's so wrong with having storylines and shows that are unrealistic or extremely happy? (even though the themes in Heartstopper are realistic).
Have you thought about how that may be an intentional choice? Now bare with me here this may be my over-analytic brain at work but Heartstopper has more or less some of the same themes as Young Royals just shot in a very vibrant and colorful manner to showcase how happy and colorful young love is BUT if you actually have watched the show or read the graphic novels you would know the show and graphic novels cover some heavy themes.
SPOILERS AFTER THIS POINT……
I want you to keep the song Pumped up Kicks by Foster the People in mind throughout this...I have a point I promise. Heartstopper is shot in a very poopy colorful way and in my opinion, symbolizes how when you’re young and in love everything feels warm, colorful, and vibrant. While Young Royals doesn't utilize this cinematic style they do use some form of vibrancy to convey tone and emotion. In Young Royals many of the scenes featuring Simon and Willhem's 'good moments' feature the sun especially shining on Simon when Willie is looking at him or whenever they are just in each other's company, this is especially prominent in the last scenes of the last two episodes of season 3.
So while people's criticisms of Heartstopper can be warranted (not saying you can't dislike the show) the comments that it's just so bubbly and bright just aren't true. The last season of Heartstopper saw multiple characters go through traumatic situations and it has been building up that way from the very first scenes in the first season of the show (but for the sake of time I'm only going to discuss both main characters in the two shows) Charlie not only is still struggling with being outed but is also battling with an eating disorder, this is foreshadowed throughout the first two seasons leading up to its inevitable blatant reveal when he is at dinner with Nick and his family where Nick starts to piece together why he is never hungry, passed out on the Paris trip and never finishes his food, which leads his to eventually research the signs of an ED. Nick is also still figuring himself out when it comes to his Bisexuality, while also dealing with the feelings of, feeling abandoned by his father, and having to reckon with the fact his brother is not supportive and dismissive of his sexuality and relationship.
Now before I said keep Pumped Up Kicks in mind that's because while this song has an upbeat, catchy tempo the song actually has a really dark undertone and meaning. So while Heartstopper is shot in a very vibrant colorway most of its characters and content of the show deal with dark themes and it's not all just a happy love story, and if the script for the next season follows the graphic novel closely, then we will see the characters go through even more challenges which also falls inline with the "darker" more emotionally message of the show. So to end this so it doesn't become a dissertation, both shows more or less have the same themes they just exist in two different lanes, I don't know why exactly people are fighting for one to be more valid than the other. When both can exist and be impactful to both or each audience, more queer shows need to exist where the characters are just happy and in love and I need y'all to unpack why you view more doom and gloom (for a lack of a better word) queer shows or movies are more valid than ones where the characters are just happy and have relatively in some aspects great experience when it comes to young love and figuring out one's identity. Sepreatlty why do you want these characters to suffer to find love? Why do characters have to go through something traumatic for their identity to be more valid and for you to relate and want to root for it more versus the latter?
Anyway, this was longer than I intended it to be but I just had to get my thoughts out there. TL;DR: Heartstopper and Young Royals are two great shows and if you think one is better than the other cause it has darker themes you are missing the point or probably objectively missed the dark undertones of the show, and one isn't more valuable than the other.
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highball66 · 2 days
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So after I was working on my concept for a script of a cry game and three journal articles later, I somehow found myself working on what seems to be an essay on what makes Leon a tragic character. Granted I haven't pulled out any of the books on tragedy I have, but for me it seems that Leon's tragic flaw, if looking from the perspective of a Greek Tragedy, would being to empathic and kind. If the details about his childhood remain the same, a lot of his actions even going back to why he decided to be a cop is rooted in being understanding. Looking at the story in Vendetta, a lot of his internal conflict comes from how much he cares about people, ie his guilt. I can't remember if it was just something that I imagined but Leon being more in touch with his emotions contrasts Chris, who seems to be the more traditionally masculine character, especially in the first two games, which would make sense for contrasting sequel main characters. So I was wondering on your thoughts on the tragedy of character's in RE. Lol I just hope my random spill of thoughts make sense.
Haha it's definitely not something you imagined-- Chris and Leon were created to be narrative foils. I'd argue Chris is very in-tune with his emotions, they just manifest in a different way that Leon's. But Leon is a very tragic character. He's excited for his first day, coming in even after they told him to stay away only to be confronted with a literal apocalypse. Along the way, he finds out that the systems he believed in were extremely corrupt (even apart from the RPD being more or less owned by Umbrella and the gov helping Umbrella, the chief was also a massive piece of shit and the RPD was very corrupt), so his "dream job" would never have worked out the way he wanted to anyway. And then he escaped, finally free... until he gets kidnapped by the government and forced into serving them in order to protect Sherry. Then he relives his trauma over and over again. He'll never get justice for what happened to him, and he'll likely never escape from the government. Bioterrorism won't stop, so he spends his life fighting the root cause of his trauma over and over again while continuously re-traumatizing himself and doing it all... unwillingly.
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icegoddessrukia · 19 hours
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And what do you have to say about Aang comparing Katara to Jet?
Oh wow, I don't want to get into TSR meta too much because it always goes around in circles and never ends well.
In his observation she seemed a little like Jet at first in how she was talking. From his perspective, she wanted revenge and there was some pure rage in her. I think he wanted to make her aware of how extreme he thought she was being and "snap her out of it" so that's why he said it, though he does empathize with her. Taking a life for revenge is a major deal for Aang and it is shocking for him. I could understand why Katara might have been offended when she heard that comment but I can also understand why he said the first thing that came to his mind. I'm not going to bash him for it.
Everyone in that conversation was only looking at it from their own perspective and that's why they were arguing so much. They all said some insensitive things in the moment. It's just that fandom only holds Katara and Aang accountable/practically demonizes them for their mistakes in TSR while giving Zuko (and Sokka, though he wasn't as insensitive as Zuko) a free pass.
Obviously, Katara isn't the same as Jet. It's a completely different context but he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. Was it the best thing to say to her? No. He's not perfect. I don't think anyone in the Gaang fully understood how Katara felt or how deeply her emotions run but I will say, Aang tried. Yes, Sokka was her sibling and Aang experienced the genocide but Katara had a different personality type and way of coping with her own grief.
I'm sure Aang didn't literally mean that she's completely the same as Jet and he still allowed her to take Appa. He didn't try to stop her in the end and he understood her need to confront the guy. He just hoped that she wouldn't choose taking a life but he accepted that he had to let her make that choice for herself. I feel like regardless of what he said at first, if Aang genuinely thought she was being another Jet, he wouldn't have put so much of his faith and trust in her.
Aang wanted to protect Katara's morality and at the same time uphold his own values, Sokka was siding more with Aang because he is not as emotionally invested in it as Katara and is not supporting revenge (and also he probably, like Aang, was fearful that his sister was acting in a way that would end up traumatizing her in the end), Zuko has a more grey morality and sees nothing wrong with revenge. He also really just wanted to make Katara trust him at all cost even if it meant getting said revenge with her because of his own guilt/insecurities plaguing him. Zuko, especially at that time period had a need to make people like him and it bothered him that she just didn't.
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thornmaui · 3 days
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The Implications of MAG 6 on Ace Jon
Okay random thought but I just realized that I never thought of the implications of the worm sex statement (yall know the one, MAG 6?). And Im not just talking about the ‘Im so sorry this ace human had to read icky things out loud’ part of it. I mean, as far as Jon knows the last worm-related person that wasn't Annabelle who was infected suddenly got an onset of carnal desires upon being infested with worms in order to help them reproduce, leading to their final death, and that seems terrifying? I mean the thought of those thoughts being forced upon you? I mean terrifying to everyone but especially Jon as a potentially sex-repulsed ace human. I can only imagine when he got proof the worms were real that’s the first statement he remembered, Im not sure how much time passed between MAG 6 and MAG 22 but it’s couldn’t have been too long. I can see Jon checking in with Martin every couple of days to make sure nothing happened to him but being extremely touch avoidant because what if Martin got affected? He’s sleeping at the institute where usually only Jon is late at night, if he was affected in that way wouldn’t Jon be a likely target? But also he’s a fellow human traumatized by the fears and he wants to help? And he keeps like this until he eventually realizes that nothing's happened and Martin's safe and okay and he can be around him. And, more pertinently, realizes that these particular worms apparently don’t come with that side effect. And Im not saying he still wasn’t terrified at the invasion and the fear of worms killing them, obviously he was. But the fear that they would not only kill him but turn his corpse into a walking vessel whose only purpose is reproducing when he may or may not have brain activity and being forced to do things especially given his ace identity? Even more terrifying. I don’t often see many people mentioning MAG 6, its a disgusting statement on many levels, but Id argue that especially with the implications on the universe, its one of the most terrifying ones out there. Because, unfortunately, at a base level its an experience that so many of us do have to fear on a regular basis, just taken to an extreme degree. And I cant imagine how much it must have affected Jon.
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rashoumon-homo · 3 days
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The Bar Lupin (Dazai x Reader)
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Dazai x Male Reader, SFW
-> Content Warnings: alcohol mention, hurt/comfort, grief, anxiety attacks, happy ending
-> 1.2k words
Author’s Note: long time no see! I just finished up my class the other day so now I have more free time to write, yay! This one is super tame, but I do have a NSFW Atsushi x Reader in the works so you’ll get your smut fix soon!
Request sent by @suru1990 - enjoy!
♡ ♡ ♡
Ever since Oda’s death, Dazai had avoided the Bar Lupin. It just felt too sentimental, like a holy place that would be tainted if he were to step over the threshold. There were too many memories tied up there. Ones where he was truly happy, which felt somehow worse to dwell on than the more traumatic memories did. When he was in hiding after leaving the Port Mafia, he had a reasonable enough excuse to avoid the place. After all, it was a place he had visited frequently and the Mafia was sure to look for him there. But then the years passed and he joined the Armed Detective Agency and settled in. The Port Mafia knew where he was and didn’t care anymore. He couldn’t lie to himself anymore about his reasons for staying away from the Bar Lupin.
Dazai made a habit of visiting Oda’s grave every year on the anniversary of his death. He’d just sit there in silence, leaning back against the gravestone while dappled sunlight shone on them both through the tree above. Sometimes he’d talk, but mostly he’d sit there quietly. He also had a ritual for spending Oda’s birthdays- getting blackout drunk on whiskey and sake and subsequently calling in sick to work for the next several days to sleep off the hangover. He jokingly called it a “hard reset” but his coworkers exchanged glances rather than laughing when he did.
He and Oda and Ango used to all spend each other’s birthdays at the Bar Lupin, laughing together about who knows what. It was on one of those birthdays that he’d tried whiskey for the first time.
It had now been four years since Oda had celebrated a birthday. Dazai tried not to think about those memories, but they rose to the top of his head like ramune bubbles, determined to resurface. He’d been fighting them all day. Now alone in his room, the weight of them made his chest and throat feel tight, so he threw back yet another cup of sake. And maybe his nose was tingling a little, like it does before he cries, but he was decidedly not drunk enough to deal with that. So he pulled on his coat and went for a walk to clear his head.
Turns out his half-drunk, emotional mind was a bitch. He stood outside the front door of the Bar Lupin, grinding his teeth. He felt so goddamn stupid for being afraid of a building. A building! He was an ex-mafioso. He’d seen hundreds, maybe thousands of people die in front of him in the most gruesome ways. And yet the ghosts of memories had the power to scare him away from the place for years. He was sick of it. His eyes pricked with tears and that was enough to push him forward, opening the door.
As Dazai walked down the stairs, he was surprised to see that the inside of the bar was nearly identical to the last time he’d been there. The decor was the same as always; the soft music just as he remembered. The calico cat that used to hang around was curled up on one of the barstools, sleeping. Even the smell was the same - it was like stepping back in time.
Dazai glanced down the row of barstools and froze. There you were, sitting in Oda’s usual seat. You were about the same height and wearing a similar trench coat, and for a horrifying moment, he thought you were Oda. Startled, he stumbled backwards, bumping into the wall with a muffled thump. You looked over in surprise, but the attention was lost in the haze of adrenaline and humiliation clouding Dazai’s perception.
It wasn’t Oda. Of course it wasn’t. How fucking stupid could he be? Tears sprung to Dazai’s eyes and he swallowed thickly. God, he hated crying.
You stood up and started walking over.
“Stay back!” Dazai warned, flinching away as he saw you approach. He felt the air shift as you crouched down beside him.
“Here, take this,” you said.
He hesitantly lifted his head, gaze flitting to your yellow converse - definitely not something Oda would have worn. He glanced further up, to the handkerchief in your extended hand. Your eyes were softened with concern, but not pity. At least there was that. He took the handkerchief.
You sat on the ground beside him and leaned against the wall, then closed your eyes. “Slow, deep breaths,” you said. “In for 4…” You demonstrated for him, not caring whether he was actually paying attention. “Then hold for 4,” you continued. “Out for four…” You let your breath out slowly through your mouth. “And hold for another 4.” You peeked over at him and were pleased to see him breathing along with you.
The two of you sat there, breathing calmly, for the next few minutes.
Dazai shifted and ran his fingers through his hair. “Thanks,” he said quietly.
“Doing better now?” you asked.
He finally looked you in the face and wow he had the most beautiful brown eyes you’d ever seen. And long eyelashes that glistened with tears. His nose was a bit red, and his eyes still looked puffy, but somehow the vulnerability was attractive in itself.
“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked finally. He blushed, then quickly added, “To repay you for helping me.”
You smiled and stood up, then held out your hand to help him to his feet. “I’d like that,” you said.
Now that he looked closer, Dazai could see the hint of a tattoo just under your collar. And the hand you’d extended to help him up was covered in rings, your nails coated in chipped black nail polish. When you smiled at him, it was wide and genuine and a little crooked. You were nothing like Oda.
“Actually,” Dazai said suddenly, “maybe we can get coffee instead? I’ve already had a bit to drink and this place just doesn’t feel right anymore.”
“Um… sure!” you said, warming up to the idea. “I’m new to the area, so maybe you can show me around on the way!”
As the two of you chattered together and walked up the stairs, Dazai couldn’t help but feel lighter. Somehow, that was all the closure he needed. He was looking towards the future now; not giving the past any more weight than it deserved.
Dazai sneakily grabbed your hand as you walked through the front door, smiling to himself as you blushed into the collar of your coat. “You blushing?” he teased.
“It’s cold out!” you insisted, only turning pinker. He laughed at you and the two of you started down the sidewalk. After a few seconds, he spoke again.
“I’m glad I met you,” he said. “Feels like fate or something.” His tone made it hard to tell if he was being genuine or just messing around, but he wouldn’t meet your eyes when he said it.
“Hmm… I think it’s a bit early to say for sure,” you said playfully. “But I’m glad I met you too.” You squeezed his hand and smiled at him. The two of you turned the corner and the sign for the bar was out of sight.
♡ ♡ ♡
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