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adamworu · 4 years

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The Subtle Horror of Evangelion

What keeps us all hooked to Eva time and time again? You get through your initial, confused watch of either Evangelion endgame, probably sometime in your adolescence wondering what the hell it is you just watched. The original source material is suffused with unsettling imagery, and sometimes too-close-for-comfort shorts. It’s so much to process that one watch is never enough. The imagery isn’t enough, however, because the mid-to-late-90s series comes with things you’ll pick up the more you focus on certain characters’ struggles or the interesting world-building. They arise little by little with every re-watch, adding onto what interested you in Eva to begin with.

There’s always that little voice asking you “What it is that really draws me here?”

Oh. The horrors.

The tragedy of it all.

These things never leave you the second you bear witness to them, whether you become aware of them or not. You’re disturbed over it, a tad worried, no doubt, but you’re strangely hooked.

Horror works better on limitation, it’s why found footage capturing pale, ghastly, monstrosities of the deep wood will always stand as exponentially terrifying. While most all of us have taken cracks at Eva’s budget at some point, that’s what really drives these terrors home. Its low budget nature made it work.

Evangelion has commentary which forces a viewer to reflect. Most no one enjoys that. It’s the fear, however, that has its audience come back. Evangelion’s reflection alone isn’t what gives Eva it’s charm decades after its run. It’s the little things, most everyone misses, the anxieties, the terrors, all of it. Most of those things, fly over a lot of fans’ heads.

Buckle up, there’s a lot to go through…. (warning for mentions of abuse, body horror, means of suicide, nudity, blood, and gore)

Table of Contents

I. Icebergs for Dummies

Tier 1: The Tip of the Iceberg

II. The Hedgehog’s Dilemma

III. The AT-Field as a Universal Metaphor

IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism

V. Shinji is the Audience Surrogate

VI. Abuse in Evangelion

Tier 2: Just Below the Tip

VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene

VIII. Naoko + Casper

IX. The Other End of Existential Horror

Tier 3: The Body of The Iceberg

X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’

XI. Unit-01 Berserk Scene

XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS

XIII. Kaworu + Adam’s True Power

Tier 4: Pre-Abyss

XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens

XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates

XVI. Unit 01+ MPE Gorging Scenes

XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arka

Tier 5: The Abyss

XVIII. Split Second Misato Death

XIX. Humans Are The Villains in Eva

XX. The Ultimate Paradox

XXI. Conclusion

I. Icebergs for Dummies

For those unaware, the iceberg image illustrates that things are much deeper than they appear, just like an actual iceberg. You’ve probably seen this selfsame iceberg--- separated by tiers--- a few times looking through late night internet rabbit holes (Putting it out in the open: I’m personally guilty of this!), fictional or non. It helps you understand why you’re so enticed to certain material, that you’d revisit them. The highest parts of the iceberg are the things in the material most everyone knows, the surface level stuff. The lower you go, however, the lesser known the parts of the material are. These are the things the person are aware of.

Eva has some iceberg illustrations if you look around, albeit they don’t go through the more saddening, sometimes graphic factors of Eva, only theories navigating through Eva’s universe. Evangelion is so deceptively packed with blink-and-you’ll-miss-it subtleties that if an iceberg were centered on that, the diagram would be packed. And I’m being generous as I write this.

A few ground rules, before we begin: The iceberg will deal with the more obscure and dark material as the tiers get higher rather than it only being relegated to obscure bits. The lower the tier, the higher the iceberg and the more subtler the anxieties which graduate into horrors the deeper you go.

Yes, Evangelion is occasionally horrifying. No, Evangelion is not lovecraftian. I think people use the term lovecraftian way too freely. It’s not enough to see something with (sometimes too many) limbs twisted in ungodly angles. Or legs where legs shouldn’t be. The same applies for creatures assuming forms we don’t entirely comprehend. Eva has never delved into the angels being incomprehensibly terrifying specifically because they come from a cosmic expanse.

Some of these actual horrors, big and small, hit you after adolescence, something that makes you feel deeply for the characters’ dilemmas. It’s a feeling that grows and sometimes aches, rather than fades over time for many of us.

Tier 1: The Tip of the Iceberg

II. Hedgehog’s Dilemma

III. The AT Field as a Universal Metaphor

IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism

V. Shinji As the Audience Surrogate

VI. Abuse in Evangelion

II. Hedgehog’s Dilemma

Evangelion has its hand in so many psychological and philosophical cookie jars, from Freud, to Maslow, Johari, as well as Dostoevsky. The very tip of the Subtle Horrors of Evangelion Iceberg is something viewers are introduced to in the fourth episode of the series. It is one of the many psychological concepts dotted throughout the original show. Out of all those psychological concepts, this is the most explicit and most recurring.

The Hedgehog’s Dilemma describes the conundrum of two hedgehogs. The closer two hedgehogs become to one another, the more they harm each other with their spines. If you want to properly live, you need the closeness and intimacy of others. By allowing yourself to be close, however, you end up at great risk of being hurt. It’s the very reason what drives those who live to become guarded. Being perpetually apprehensive or building up walls isn’t a remedy for pains, however. The Hedgehog’s Dilemma isn’t just about why people become guarded after relationships ended on bad notes. It’s about the overall inevitability of pain.

Life is a continual push-pull of relationships, because we’re all creatures of comfort. We guard ourselves to varying degrees and sometimes even tell ourselves we won’t get close again, but personal comfort is one of our most ultimate drives.

The Hedgehog’s Dilemma not only describes that harm happens to us anyway, but illustrates that because comfort is universal we seek companionship regardless.

III. The AT-Field as a Universal Metaphor

The AT-Field is the most crucial rabbit hole in understanding the largest meta-narrative of Evangelion.

If Hedgehog’s Dilemma explains the what and the why people become more or less guarded, then AT-Fields explain the how. People build up walls around themselves all the time. You walk away from someone because they crack a smile at you... and it seems off.

Because you feel an anxious pang.

That’s an AT Field.

AT-Fields, or Absolute Terror Fields bear a few metaphors, one of which being boundaries. You see it as Shinji’s fear of becoming intimate, knowing the future implications or Asuka’s masculine protest (putting up a front). We can see an excellent example of the AT Field used by Asuka, her “Wall of Jericho” in episode 9.

You also see it manifested through the angels, the strange creatures in Eva who supposedly desire to merge with Adam, their mother. Seeing this in the angels makes you realize that the AT Field is actually a metaphor for boundaries which implicates us all. In episode 22, Arael, 15th angel, seeks to understand Asuka. The angel uses its AT-Field (a beam of light) no, its boundary, to breach Asuka’s boundaries.

AT-Fields can be used to not only build up personal walls but to breach them as well. The irony of Arael’s action is that Arael’s AT-Field being erected while it floats just over Earth’s gravitational field makes it immensely similar to the Second Child; they’re both guarded.

The AT-Field is a funny sort of thing because it also sometimes explains how two people who are so alike can be guarded from one another. Sometimes you gain contempt for someone because they’re too much like your least favorable traits. You see this with Shinji and Asuka, both children without their mother desiring validation. Shinji calls Asuka a child midway into episode 9 and Asuka isn’t shy on voicing ideas of Shinji as dense or immature. They’re throwing stones in glass houses.

AT Fields are used to get the user out of dangers both physical and perceived. Sachiel, 3rd angel in the original series’ pilot episode, uses its AT-Field, in the form of flotation, to get itself from enemy fire. It never shows this until it is attacked first.

AT Fields are also responsible for one’s identity and physicality in Eva. Without the AT Field you don’t really exist. When Rei assumes the form of the person the character being cast into Instrumentality loved most in End of Evangelion, she’s causing the character to give up their AT Field. With that gone, they lose their physicality, turning into LCL (given the lovely term ‘tanged’ by fans). The ‘tanged’ individual suffers metaphorical death. Evangelion argues that in order for one to exist, others must perceive you and you must perceive you, a point best illustrated in episode 16. Since everyone is converted to LCL, no one really ‘exists.’ Rei describes this unnerving state as the inability of differentiating who you are and others, since everyone lacks a physical state without AT-Fields. Metaphorical death can be argued as worse than physical, since we all exist to make an impression of some sort. It’s what ties all the Eva cast together and the cause of their dilemmas. Validation. You can be living, yet very much forgotten or simply unknown.

There is living and there is “living.”

You can’t “die” unless someone knows you. You were never there. AT Fields are the thing that make us live, but as a drawback, prevents us from understanding each other fully. Kaworu states in episode 24 that AT Fields are the wall of the mind and the heart of the soul, an unapproachable piece of sanctuary. When all else is taken from us, all we have left is our place of respite.

I’d also like to pitch the saddening reality that the AT-Fields are what prevent us from understanding angels as a whole, our genetic siblings as scared of this world as we are. The psychological angels want to understand us, that much is true. The angels, however, use forms of communication at the expense of our boundaries. Because people greatly value boundaries it makes it hard for us to comprehend angels. The creatures are hardly malicious when you realize they wonder why we all do things that actually hurt us, as well as the fact that they do understand our minds. But, because they breach our boundaries, we become even more wary of the (mostly) unknown. Angels may be us, but the strange forms they take are something we aren’t familiar with. The feeling is mutual with angels, wondering why there are many of us, our forms and outward appearances so identical. It’s a truth as old as time that we all fear the unknown.

The anxiety of an AT Field means comprehending that there’s very little chance to 100% get others. Because we’re all wary in some degree, because we’re set in an idea or perception of someone, even if the someone in the past no longer applies. It’s not healthy for you to continue dwelling on relationships not meant to be, keeping yourself up at night asking why, because both of you have closed off each other for good. There’s always that chance the other can come back and if they do seek to understand despite past hardships, that’s good. If they don’t, all you can do is move on and accept it.

IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism

Kensuke is one of Shinji’s classmates, a supporting player in the series. He’s close with Toji Suzuhara, a boy who takes his anger on Shinji, after finding out that his sister has been injured during Shinji’s fight with 3rd angel Sachiel. As Suzuhara beats him down, Kensuke downplays the incident. Kensuke’s and Toji’s relationship is particularly interesting because the latter is affected to some degree by war (the war by humanity to prevent our destruction by angels). Kensuke glorifies the sentient, implicitly eldritch, multi-armored war-machines.

Kensuke can be best described as the ‘wow, cool robots’ drawing you’ve probably seen floating around. This is in relation to Gundam’s war commentary, but replace Gundam with Eva. Kensuke is enamored with the Evangelions and totally, willfully ignorant to the war horrors. Adolescents are forced to be the salvation of humanity, feeling every bit of damage to their own bodies whenever the Evangelion takes any hurt. Even after the war for humanity is long over, the pilots will be afflicted with traumas that will always hang over them.

Kensuke’s glorification is also what draws him to be Shinji’s friend. He uses Shinji’s status as a way of becoming a pilot himself by meeting up with Misato, putting himself at the cockpit of a strange creature magnificent machine.

When Toji becomes hospitalized after his battle in a hijacked Unit-03 vs. A Dummy System-controlled Unit-01, Kensuke expresses discontent at not being a pilot. He’s annoyed because “everyone” but him is a pilot.

Thing is, Kensuke isn’t heartless, just ignorant. Idealism is one of the uglier things that runs thick in the heart of Evangelion. His is one of many cases of unhealthy idealism in Eva, another example of making it difficult for those living to understand one another.

V. Shinji as the Audience Surrogate

Shinji as the audience surrogate isn’t always touched up on, but is sort of understood subconsciously by a lot of the viewers. Shinji’s character is specific, yet so generalized that him being a surrogate for the audience just… works. Don’t believe me? Shinji gets two psychological exploration-based episodes whereas Asuka and Rei each have one. Episodes 16 and 24 are both psychological angel episodes, albeit the latter is more in-series subversive. The 24th episode doesn’t involve a breach of subconscious boundary, but the pilot (Shinji) is in the hot-seat, being made aware of their issues. Leliel, 12th angel, contacts Shinji in the former of these. Both characters talk to one another, shown as a series of horizontal lines and vertical lines, sometimes intersecting. These lines are a strong reference to the Johari Window, a tool in psychology which helps someone become more aware of themselves. The Window’s quadrants are as follows

1. the part known to the self

2. the part known to others

3. the part known to the self and others

4. the part known to no one

Leliel also states that the self only exists of one perceives themselves as well as others. The angel also states that Shinji could better his reality, to which Shinji absolves himself of responsibility by arguing the horrible state of his reality. It’s a subtle pushing to Shinji and by extension the viewer into free will. Kaworu builds up on these concepts with Eva’s in-universe concept for boundaries. Free Will versus Determinism is brought up here, with the idea that AT-Fields are brought up because the living (again, not people – emotional complexities aren’t only human) will them into existence. By exercising free will, it means enduring pain, one of Shinji’s, and again the audience’s greatest fears. Any relationship has pains and conflicts. This is all a buildup of free will, determinism, self-awareness, and the Hedgehog’s Dilemma. Understanding all of these means swallowing the “pain is inevitable” pill. The problem with much of us is that we like the idea of relationships rather than being in one. We want to feel validated but without the conflict, even if the conflict can be solved. We’re all Shinji because we’re all aware to life’s hellish catch-22s, so we run. There’s times in our lives where we run as far as possible from these woes, these truths, but there’s pain in running too. It’s why escapism seems like such a viable action for some of us.

Pain is inevitable, but pain can be mitigated.

More damning evidence to Shinji being a viewer stand-in lies in either endgame of Evangelion (pun intended). In EoE, after the Komm Susser Tod sequence of everyone on Earth being tanged, we’re treated to a shot of EoE’s live audience.

We hear Shinji’s voice about his reality while he talks to Rei toward EoE’s end. There are shots of the city, of people going about their daily lives cementing that this is about us. End of Evangelion shows us a less favorable side of Shinji, a departure from the lauded end series “Congratulations” scene, in which he does understand free will rather than perpetually dwell on negatives. Shinji reacts unfavorably toward Asuka in EoE after his mother’s speech to the audience that ‘anywhere can be paradise’ and Shinji stating he doesn’t know where his happiness resides. Shinji (We) still has a ways to go if he wants to be a better person.

It’s probably why many of us are either inclined to champion Shinji or harangue him, and either reaction is fair. Many of us are aware of audience surrogates, but never to this extent. Shinji isn’t his best person, but he can be. Being his best means self-reflection. Droves of people who first were exposed to Evangelion were teens, and again many of Shinji’s woes are specific yet so generalized, hence our feelings of defense and possibly disgust.

No one likes scathing, yet accurate call-outs on their person, but they’re paramount for us to understand ourselves and others.

VI. Abuse in Evangelion

One of the worst things recurring in all of original Evangelion is a bevvy of abuses.

Abuse comes in many shapes and forms and it’s many characters’ realities. Abuse happens not because the universe ‘wills it’ (determinism aka, ‘that’s just how people are’). Abuse, be it conscious emotional absence, actual neglect, among other ungodly acts fly though the cast.

Abuse is cyclical and a lot of those doing it often get away with murder because they have power.

Much of Eva is comprised of children being forced to sort through adults’ emotional baggage. Those children become adults and the cycle continues.

We all know a Gendo. Or even perhaps a Misato. Hell, even a Ritsuko.

Anno states that Gendo’s character is of a societal meta-text, which explains many viewers’ ire in relation to the character. He’s responsible for many of the seedy goings-on in Evangelion be it the financial (see: Jet Alone’s orchestrated out-of-control nature to give NERV more funding) or abuses (see: Rei, Shinji, Ritsuko, and, Naoko). It’s for this reason why Gendo’s actions are a sore spot for a lot of fans.

Anno: I’m not sure that it’s a real father [that Gendo represents]. Well, not a father in the sense of a parent with a blood relation to his child, but more, I think, [in the sense of being] a representative of society or the system. That’s why he has that expression.

Takekuma: So, he’s kind of amorphous.

Anno: The angels are the same. I made them appear amorphous in that way because, for me, society is unclear, the enemy is unclear.

Takekuma: Gendo is [a representation of] the boundries or the pressure of society itself.

Anno: That might be it. Perhaps Gendo is [a representation of] society itself.

http://wiki.evageeks.org/Statements_by_Evangelion_Staff

After many re-watches of certain Eva episodes, it just hit me, as I’m writing this why I’m sometimes apprehensive on an adult-exclusive lens of the show. This happens a lot in adolescence and our struggles are made trivial because of the mishandled baggage. As children, you’re meant to be subservient to parental whims. You have this sort of obligation to solve their problems. Give them closure. It doesn’t even need to be parental baggage, but just from adults in general. You see the way the adults act not just with the children but with each other. You see the way Gendo justifies neglecting Shinji, objectifying Naoko and Ritsuko or Naoko’s emotional absences as a mother to her daughter (also manifested through the MAGI). It’s these immature excuses as to why they can’t extend empathy to those around them.

It’s always excuses.

Eva’s original series has always been a show about children.

Tier 2: Just Below the Tip

VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene

VIII. Naoko + Casper

IX. The Other End of Existential Horror

VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene

The Elevator Scene is a sequence that sometimes gets glossed over due to Evangelion’s fleeting budget. It took me years to realize the true gravity of the awkward silence of both the 22nd episode and its Director’s Cut version. The Director’s Cut version has Asuka abruptly jerking in the silence, but that blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment speaks volumes. Understanding the scene means understanding why Asuka quietly stews in her anger. Understanding why Asuka stews means understanding Asuka from her debut to her emotional breakdown.

Asuka’s appearance in the 8th episode, Asuka Strikes!, is marked by a bold persona that carries on until the end. She isn’t shy on imparting her prowess to Shinji, stating that Units 00 as well as 01 were the prototype and the test type, respectively. Her Evangelion, Unit-02 is the finished product. She even states that she graduated from university. Despite these impressive feats so early in adolescence, the only time in which they’re noted is when Asuka talks of them. Misato takes in both Shinji and Asuka, but only ever “dotes” on Shinji. Gendo pays attention to Shinji because he pilots Unit-01, and 01 contains the soul of his late wife. Rei is the clone of Gendo’s late wife, hence Gendo’s attention and overall creepy, selfish obsession with her. Asuka and Shinji’s relationship, with Misato as their caretaker strongly mimics a Golden Child and the Second Fiddle. The only difference is, Shinji gains more attention due to Gendo’s and Misato’s respective baggage. Again, Eva is a series where children are forced to handle the baggage (with no break in the cycle) and when the child doesn’t have anything the adult particularly can clue in on, they become neglected.

That’s Asuka’s dilemma.

It’s why Asuka forces herself to grow up.

It’s why Asuka is driven to be competitive to Shinji and Rei, later growing contemptible at both.

Asuka suffers a few curses, one of which being the youngest, the inevitability of being consciously sidelined dawns on her, leading to her selfsame breakdown toward series’ end. She aligns youth with trivialization, so naturally, she’d front with the opposite. She never gets help in relation to her period. Misato and Ritsuko realize something is up with Asuka but they never really offer her the support.

There’s also the flashback to her trauma in episode 22’s beginning. She’s replaced by her mother post-Contact Experiment (which led to a deterioration of her mental health) via a doll that looks like her, red hair in pigtails. It’s the leading factor to her feigned boldness, her ego. The way in which she is marginalized in the series brings it all back.

Rei breaks the silence with a few words of compassion and all Asuka can do is express disbelief. She mistakes compassion for contempt.

For pity.

The idea that anyone would extend kindness, especially now of all times, is unbelievable.

Asuka also experiences a dilemma here, a dilemma those like her face. She already knows what it means to be vulnerable and deeply hurt, but she needs to make herself vulnerable because now, more than ever, she needs the support. Being vulnerable will cause past traumas to flood back in full force, but by stewing she deprives herself of any support. Rei offers that support, but a few words of support in a wave of trivialization can’t help but feel a bit too strange.

Asuka’s greatest anxiety is realized in the twenty second episode. It’s of being and staying second fiddle, that she’s always been set up to fail. Even 2 episodes after the fact, in which she actually starves herself does she realize once more how she’s permanently ‘below’ others.

Asuka’s curse finds itself in real life, and it’s for that reason why I believe some find themselves resonating with her. Asuka’s gradual descent into bitterness is something I find myself waking up some nights thinking about after 7 years going through Eva; hers is a cautionary tale on being emotionally distant to cries of a damaged youth. Casually imparted knowledge of past achievements, and the competitive attitude mixed with embitterment, some of which from a genuine place but also a product of neglect. We were forced to play second fiddle, we forced ourselves to grow up to feel more legitimate, forced to carry an ire that stews because it seems no one listens.

VIII. Naoko+Casper

The late Naoko Akagi is a woman of multitudes. Those multitudes are compartmentalized into the 3 MAGI. They are Balthasar, Melchior, and Casper.

Casper shows itself to be the most prominent aspect of Naoko’s personality, her as a woman. Ritsuko states that, after the defeat of Iruel, 11th angel, that Casper is the part of her mother which remained that way to the end.

Balthasar and Melchior have been bested, be it by rival MAGI, or Iruel’s assault. This calls back to the fact that Naoko’s other facets aren’t anywhere near as prominent. Naoko has cited her own emotional negligence, of only showing emotions should it ever benefit her.

Casper on 3 occasions fights tooth and nail, Iruel’s assault, an attack by multiple MAGI in End of Evangelion or the defiance of Ritsuko activating the self-destruct sequence. Ritsuko does this to seek vengeance against Gendo for coming to the immense realization that he never genuinely cared for her. Gendo has always used Ritsuko for her body. This would destroy NERV, meaning killing herself and Gendo.

Then you realize why Casper overrides the sequence.

Casper’s stubborn behavior wasn’t actually to defend NERV but to protect Gendo. Casper’s defiance aka Naoko’s emotional absence toward her daughter allowed Gendo to kill a bewildered, rightfully angered Ritsuko.

The saddest part of Casper’s, no, Naoko’s choice is that Naoko got away with murder. Evangelion is a story about children dealing with the selfishness of adults and the adults never receiving justice for their wrongdoings. The relationship between Ritsuko and Naoko is an excellent example that this doesn’t just implicate the young pilots. Ritsuko dies in End of Evangelion with the truth that her mother, as a woman, in the end chose the man who manipulated both of them.

IX. The Other End of Existential Horror

Some spend their whole lives trying to make a mark. Others can’t help but be known.

People get smart sometimes to get themselves out of a current situation. Kaworu and Rei’s existences are such that they’re deadlocked from living. Their existences are the product of an experiment, to be later heavily watched and raised as the Last Messenger. The latter is the result of Gendo’s obsession with his late wife.

Kaworu and Rei’s existential crises are opposite from the rest of the cast; while others do their damndest to become known, they cannot be unknown. Rei’s character centering more around her identity than other characters is also initially and sneakily alluded in the opening.

The Johari Window is a tool encouraging self-awareness in the person, alluded to twice in the show, with the second time being in the sixteenth episode. Both usages of that illustration, for Rei, and Shinji drive home crucial aspects of the meta-text.

This would also tie Rei to Shinji in End of Evangelion forcing Shinji to reflect on his own awareness and will. Rei is an astute, young girl whose arc is about her personal relationship with identity, something she is all too familiar with due to her objectified nature. Rei’s arc is even more so entrenched in identity than other characters that she is one of the characters imparting personal and universal realities.

Ayanami Rei’s existence from start to finish is inundated with the issues of others, causing her to internalize being always expendable. In Rei’s Poem in episode 14, it becomes clear that she sees herself based on usage. She likens herself to a field of flowers, which slyly alludes to the Dummy System’s “parts” 9 episodes later, other Reis.

Rei is seen as malleable vessel which houses thoughts rather than her own person and she can’t do anything about it. So she resigns to her reality. Even if she does tell off Gendo in End of Evangelion for his objectifying, she’s not even out of the woods. She never will be.

I used to think Rei’s “slap” to the face to the man with the (most) baggage was empowering. Then I learned about abuse during adolescence, how kids who lack a support system act while away from their abusers. Even saying an emphatic “fuck you” to your abusers isn’t enough to be a happy ending. Rei is a girl who lacks a support system and she suffers from it. Start to finish.

Kaworu’s crises are much trickier to pinpoint because there’s so little to work with. He doesn’t get an episode dealing with personal, subconscious explorations. Getting his character means first getting how Evangelion re-contextualizes what “Ode to Joy” symbolizes. It also means understanding the AT-Field and most people won’t pick that up on an initial foray. Or maybe even a second. Most people don’t pick up that the AT Field implicates anything living and physical or its metaphor for boundaries and identity. There’s the common misconception that Evangelion is a “human” show.

Kaworu marks off his appearance humming “Ode to Joy” while Shinji wonders who to turn to. It’s a song generally known for its jovial nature, but most importantly, Ode to Joy is:

known also as the “Choral” Symphony. Its finale is a musical setting of Friedrich von Schiller ’s “Ode to Joy,” a hymn to the unity and freedom of humanity.

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/ninth-symphony

The Choral Symphony assumes a more horrific context later on. Kaworu is the last messenger and what his action is would lead to the mass annihilation to lilin/human or angels. ‘Unity of man’ is changed in Eva’s context – it marks either unity of man or the death of man. It doesn’t matter who Kaworu allows unity to, because his hands would be stained with death anyway. Then you realize why Kaworu deploys his most powerful AT Field during his descent to Heaven’s Door.

This is his reality.

Kaworu’s status as the Angel of Free Will isn’t about him being the only complex angel, as a lot of people think. It’s about being the sole individual handing that freedom to others.

You realize his terrifying dilemma goes to the tune of being feared for his own existence as an angel (which he notes to Shinji) and not being able to properly live.

Sometimes you ”hurt” people by existing.

Sometimes people hate you for the simple act of existing.

Kaworu’s and Rei’s terror is the other end of existential horror, that you can’t help but forced to be known. Sometimes you have knowledge but aren’t allowed to do much with it.

Tier 3: The Body of The Iceberg

X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’

XI. Unit-01 Berserk Scene

XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS

XIII. Kaworu + Adam’s True Power

X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’

Episode 18 is where anxieties graduate into horrors both implied and visceral. Unease hangs over the episode, with the mystery of Unit-04’s disappearance and tests being done on Unit-03. Misato tells Shinji that because tests would be done, there’d be a pilot there. Misato uneasily withholds this info from Shinji and Kensuke breaks the silence with his recurring desire of being a pilot, still ignorant of the war horrors. There’s a subtlety that Shinji picks up on with Toji but not enough to put two and two together: that the big-eater himself isn’t feeling so hot.

The continual chirp of cicadas and birds nor the peel of the school bell are enough to break the unease of the viewer or of Toji. Toji goes from indirectly being affected by war vs angels to being chosen, drafted even, a child at the first line of defense for the apocalypse. We get a flashback of him beating down Shinji, before it cuts back to present day Toji. He will be in Shinji’s shoes.

Toji balls a fist, a recurring theme in Eva, to the tune of “What is your hand for?” Toji is finally about to take things into his own hands.

Asuka takes a few cracks at Shinji to Hikari that he hasn’t quite gotten the memo, but when Shinji asks her even she’s halted in words.

Then the day comes.

Tests are being done and suddenly Unit-03 goes rogue with Toji in her (note the Evangelions have the souls of the pilots’ mothers, save for Rei). Unit-03’s’s strange behavior is revealed to be the work of the 13th angel, Bardiel. Shinji’s ignorance is made worse by Misato’s absence (with Misato telling Ritsuko she’d tell Shinji the pilot’s info after the tests). Units 00 through 02 are sent out for the new threat and Shinji sees this new threat. Anxiety rises.

The song “Marking Time Waiting for Death” accentuates the anxiety. Unit-03’s silhouette eerily contrasts with the sun, her body slightly hunched and approaching slowly.

Fear washes over Shinji when he deduces that with an Evangelion inside, there must be a pilot.

Yet he still doesn’t know.

The other pilots are aware, and show reluctance to the revelation. A hijacked Unit-03 sets herself on Asuka, Rei, and even strangling Shinji. Shinji allows the angel-hijacked-being to strangle him, because killing another human being is simply horrific.

Eva has its hand in the war morals cookie jar here because Shinji stands at a conundrum, to other let this creature take his life or to murder flesh and blood. This dilemma goes double-time in war. Gendo asks why Shinji hasn’t dealt with the 13th yet, with a somewhat horrified Shinji pleading about the pilot. Gendo commands for the unfinished Dummy System to override Shinji’s controls and then suddenly...silence….

The Dummy Controlled Unit-01 springs back and we’re treated to a close-up of Unit-03/Bardi3l being strangled.

A nauseating crunch sounds and the unit goes limp. A controlled Unit-01 proceeds to raise hell on the incapacitated enemy, resulting in the unit’s blood and guts flowing through the streets. NERV’s personnel can’t do anything save for become fearful at the Dummy System’s capabilities. Terrible, visceral noises sound one by one as blows strike, as the unit’s severed limbs and blood splatters riddle the urban battlefield. Shinji hears every second, every squelch and splat.

Imagine the pain of 03’s pilot.

But the terrors don’t cease here.

01 doesn’t stop at just raising hell on the incapacitated 03, and we’re treated to another close-up shot of 01 tightly holding onto 03’s entry plug, before crushing it.

Somewhere away, Misato receives news that Unit-03 has been dispatched as an angel. Shinji feels the weight of having actually killed someone, before Misato actually breaks the news that the pilot is not only alive but that the greatly injured pilot is his classmate.

It never really hit me until now how this scene holds another horrifying subtlety. Compare this to episode 3, where Toji’s first interaction with Shinji involved him punching him, the very scene playing at this episode’s beginning. The 18th episode ends now with ,Toji and Shinji are both joined in the same camp, of children emotionally and physically marred by war, not able to fully control their situations.

XI. Unit-01 Berserk Sequence

Shinji stands in a situation where he can no longer take the terrors aligned with the Evangelion. He’s gone from sustaining injuries great and small from combat with the eldritch angels, to indirectly harming a friend through it. He resigns from his position as a pilot, understandably running away even with the approach of the 14th angel.

After a talk with Kaji about how he can control his future and he only, Shinji once again puts himself at the forefront of further pains. He must once more thrust himself to the terrors that align with the war-machines whilst struggling with other traumas.

During his fight against Zeruel, his Evangelion dies out and it all floods back to him. Shinji once again finds himself at a position of no power, frantically pressing at his controls to no avail.

He can only hear blow after blow of the 14th’s onslaught. He and Unit-01 are at their most vulnerable.

Until Unit-01 springs back.

W hat follows is the famous Berserk sequence, a scene whose terror can be thanks to Evangelion’s low budget.

We see the Evangelion in all her terror and the sort of off-ness that carries in this scene.

Episode 19 has no problems on treating us to front-row tickets to terror.

Unit-01 snatches part of Zeruel’s appendage and adds it to her mass. A sickening squelch sounds and her new appendage contorts into place in an instant.

She moves over to her incapacitated, angelic meal and doesn’t hesitate to chow down. The shots feel too personal yet nowhere near in the sense of the show’s meta-textual reflections. It’s almost like stumbling on a cryptid and when she shoots a look at the viewer, it feels as if she’s looking at us, like we’ve interrupted her dinner. Or perhaps she did finish the meal... and she’s in the mood for seconds? Perhaps even thirds?

The bizarre and eldritch nature of the Evangelions goes full force with this imagery. Episodes 2 and 16 laid the foundation of how off the Evangelion Unit-01 was with how she openly mutilates her targets. Or even the unsettling roar of Unit-01 that’s not entirely bestial. The sound is straddles a line between the blood-curdling bestial and the human. But here? Eva Unit-01’s position, from her hunched figure, to her more feral position as she feasts, feels far too organic...and far too human.

The Evas themselves aren’t human, but the souls housed within are. Eva’s souls are souls of the respective pilots’ mothers, an example of the mother and child symbolism omnipresent in Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Shinji’s mother is Yui and as we go through the series, we realize the s2 engine appliance was intentional. An s2 engine offers infinite stores of energy and this is needed for Instrumentality. With the s2 engine within her grasp and the fact that Evas don’t subsist on anything, this would make the consumption of 14th completely recreational.

It’s super tempting to frame this scene as containing some abomination that now stands unchained and indiscriminate in its targets, but it isn’t. It’s sort of understandable because Units 00 and 02 don’t come close to exhibiting this sort of behavior nor were they in this circumstance. Neither Unit-00 nor 02 have any desires in regard to Instrumentality. In the end, we should look to Yui and her own endgame, because Yui’s running the show here.

XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS

Ritsuko states the Dummy Plugs are machines which imitate pilot’s thinking. There’s a bit more than the possibility of this being 100% AI due to the apparatus Rei is in.

This very likely implies the respective person’s thought processes added with AI programmed in a way which best “describes” the pilot (basically how they are perceived). In episode 17, Rei is situated in this apparatus strongly resembling the central nervous system, the brain and the spinal cord.

{The central nervous system CNS is responsible for integrating sensory information and responding accordingly. It consists of two main components:

1. The spinal cord serves as a conduit for signals between the brain and the rest of the body. It also controls simple musculoskeletal reflexes without input from the brain.

2. The brain is responsible for integrating most sensory information and coordinating body function, both consciously and unconsciously. Complex functions such as thinking and feeling as well as regulation of homeostasis are attributable to different parts of the brain.

https://mcb.berkeley.edu/courses/mcb135e/central.html

Ritsuko imparts the unsettling revelation about Rei and by extension the Dummy Plant itself (after Misato coerced her into learning about Rei). The Reis are the core of the Dummy Plugs (and the System used to brutalize a hijacked Unit-03 and its trapped pilot). This scene adds more to the extent of Rei’s objectification, of her being replaced. It adds on to Rei III’s comment of being ‘the third.’

Rei isn’t savage by any means but the sheer brutality of Dummy System’d Unit-01 5 episodes prior may hint at her straightforward nature.

I’d like to pitch that Ritsuko’s approach to Rei’s Dummy Data was also the product of her subtle animosity toward Rei. When she refers to the Dummy Plug as a machine which mimics human thinking, she’s talking about Rei. She also refers to her similarly in episode 23 by referring to Rei as spare parts, as if Rei herself is some soulless machine whose parts can be switched out if need be. This could also call back to Rei’s poem, in which she calls herself a vessel which holds human thoughts.

Another question remains: how does Kaworu play into this?

The MPEs (the Mass Production Evangelion series) use Kaworu’s Dummy data, meaning that there are cloned Kaworus stored off somewhere, perhaps floating with soulless smiles the same as Rei has.

Treated as spare parts.

This also implies that Kaworu is more or less reduced to an object.

What’s more disturbing is the nature of the MPEs gratuitous method of ravaging and mutilating Unit-02 and by extension Asuka.

Kaworu hasn’t ever demonstrated any degree of malice, so this can’t really insinuate a ‘Kaworu is secretly evil’ narrative. But this can tie back to a recurring theme of humans fearing and despising angels. It’s because of this that the revelation of our genetically identical nature or the fact that they can comprehend our psychology is framed in-show as kind of shocking. It is because we’re so disturbed at the angels’ existence (or anything else we don’t comprehend) that we view them as inherently savage in nature. Kaworu’s quick-to-perceive personality most likely translated itself along with the AI. This would also rule in the somewhat strategic way in which the MPEs act against Asuka, exploiting her attack patterns through surprise attacks.

Some of Kaworu’s as well as Rei’s Dummy Data are the product of universal (Kaworu) and personal (Rei) contempt by people. Let that sink in.

XIII. Kaworu’s + Adam’s True Power

The bottom of the fridge horror portion of this iceberg is something that has subtly plagued me for years. We’ve only ever caught glimpses of Kaworu’s abilities in his debut episode. I picked up on it little by little with each re-watch of the episode, with every other time his abilities dawning on me. If I wasn’t focusing on how his character fits in the greater framework of Evangelion, I was cluing in on his abilities.

One of his abilities is being able to block out light, magnetism, and subatomic particles. Some of the forces which make up the universe. This witnessed by the viewer when he realizes the whole of humanity’s welfare hangs by a thread, due to the coexistence of angels and Adam.

Adam.

Adam’s soul lies within Kaworu. Adam. Who utilized an Anti-AT Field which caused Second Impact. An Anti-AT Field, which killed off much of the Katsuragi Crew in Antarctica.

This makes Kaworu the most powerful angel in the original Evangelion series.

Eva has shown that ownership of an angel’s soul (or partially, if you’re onboard the Rei I is in Unit-00 theory) allows the person to inherit the angel’s abilities through Rei. Rei blocks off Kaworu’s immensely powerful field with one of her own, canceling out both as a result. As we know, AT Fields for people are a figurative affair. People lack the physiology to exhibit a physical AT Field because they don’t have cores like angels do. Angels’ souls when possessed by humans have a sort of ability to circumvent parts of human physiology (if you’re looking for the whole package, you should eat angel’s flesh too). Rei also shows the ability to float, implied in episode 24 and shown explicitly in End of Evangelion.

But this raises a few questions about the last messenger is the ability to block out some of the forces of the universe Adam’s powers or Kaworu’s? Another ability that continues to plague me the more I think about it is Kaworu’s AT-Field usage on Heaven’s Door to bypass its lock.

We haven’t actually seen Adam’s other powers (if the angel has any) because the it’s anti-AT Field was halted via Lance of Longinus. Other than its ethereal appearance in flashbacks, we only see an incapacitated Adam in embryonic form. That’s it. We don’t know if Adam exhibits any other powers due to this impediment. If Adam does have more powers, this would add onto both the fridge horror factor of Adam and Kaworu.

Tier 4: Pre-Abyss

XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens

XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates

XVI. Unit 01+ MPE Gorging Scenes

XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arka

XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens

There’s something that implicates the whole cast. Something that goes beyond the meaning of the AT-Field, and the all-too-known Hedgehog’s Dilemma.

Eva is filled to the very brim with psychological concepts, but there’s one thing which ties this all together. It goes much larger than the desire to become validated or cycles of abuse and unresolved issues to a newer generation.

Free Will Vs. Determinism ties the entire cast together and is disturbing in its own right. It not only ties the cast together but also contributes to Eva’s meta-narrative.

Episode 16’s sequence with Leliel, Shinji, and the Johari Window gives little breadcrumbs to this psychological dilemma. Leliel teaches Shinji about his own identity as well as slowly ushering him to a sense of self-awareness. Leliel also attempts to usher Shinji out of filtering reality with only convenient parts. Shinji argues that he can’t really be held culpable for his actions, because the one and only reality is that reality is awful, bar none. Not his reality, but reality as a whole. This deterministic stance becomes ever more blatant 8 episodes later with the appearance of Nagisa Kaworu.

Kaworu’s designation is the angel of free will. The irony of this stands in the fact that Kaworu isn’t the only angel who can exhibit free will (with some of the angels before him taking the time to try comprehending people). Kaworu’s status comes from his identity as the last messenger, bringing about freedom for one species (humans/lilin or angels) at the expense of the other. Kaworu knows his reality well and in the end, seeks to better the reality of those around him. Eva doesn’t romanticize the prospect of free will, however, because Kaworu is so aware of his own person and how he can hurt those around him that it greatly bothers him.

The metatext doesn’t just position Shinji as being in the wrong, but also the audience. Remember the point I made before about Shinji being the audience substitute? It’s further hammered home from the series’ tail end and into End of Evangelion.

“That’s just the way things are.” is a common response to things in life we feel resigned on changing, because we don’t know how to change them. This quote is a parallel to Shinji’s “humans aren’t made to float!” in episode 16.

Shinji does know how to change much of his reality, but by doing so he’d be pushed into free will. Free Will is the solution and it means holding yourself accountable rather than believe that it’s everyone else with the problem. With the idea that you can change your reality, it offers you the opportunity to love yourself.

If you love yourself, then it becomes much easier to love others.

Eva’s free will and determinism metatext hammers home the extension of empathy.

Shinji/the viewer’s greatest problem is that because we don’t love ourselves it makes it difficult to extend the love to everyone else. Shinji’s love translates as idealism. Because of his unhealthy idealism, he is hindered from understanding people.

By ascribing your beliefs from determinism to free will, it opens your mind to an entire world of possibilities, but therein lies the terror. It is because of these possibilities that Shinji and by extension, the viewer, likely fears free will. Shinji finds ways make himself validated, but with free will, the argument could be made that it doesn’t matter. There’s the anxiety-crippling likelihood that none of it actually matters, because your existence doesn’t matter. If we’re going on this bent, acts of making an adequate impression on others are acts of personal denial. In the end, these are what they are, possibilities.

The greatest terror of it all is that we don’t know.

User power-chords makes an excellent point about the inherent darkness of an internal locus of control.

User power-chords posits the idea of existential absurdity for Shinji not as a certainty but a possibility. There’s always a likelihood that our desires to comprehend the world around us, to find ultimate understanding are in vain.

Cheesy as it sounds, people fear ambiguity because we seek a satisfying end. We don’t just seek answers. We want outside closure and inner peace, but we won’t always get it. It’s why we rationalize relationships that end on bad notes. Sometimes you worry about your falling-outs...and it hurts. You never got the answers your wanted so this pain carries, for months, sometimes even for years. Dwelling on the issue serves no purpose other than to keep that hurt with you. The best thing to do sometimes is to find your own closure, your own meaning.

No, Evangelion isn’t actually pro-nihilism, but it presents us with that likelihood. That’s what makes this aspect of the narrative so terrifying: The consideration that we find meaning in the meaningless.

XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates

The nature of injuries and having them in adds onto the innate horror --be it war or otherwise-- and themes of the Evangelion. The severity of the injury is based on how high the pilot’s sync ratio is. An average rate while sustaining damage will bring hurt to the actual pilot in the respective spot. Some examples:

Sachiel makes multiple headblows to Unit-01 and Shinji in episode 2, causing head trauma.

Ramiel’s, (5th angel), particle beam attack in episode 6, an attack so severe that Shinji needed medical care.

Unit-00 and Rei being infected by a Bardiel hijacked Unit-03 in episode 18. Toji’s condition in episode 18 stands as a large example of the innately disturbing nature of sustained injuries.

Toji’s condition becomes all the more nauseating when you see Evangelion parts and blood flow through Tokyo-3.

Toji could feel every last second of strangulation, body blow, and feel the unspeakable pain of his arm being severed. Let that sink in.

Asuka receives the worst of these considering the nature of her sync rate being high. The higher the rate the more kept the damage is. The circumstances behind Asuka getting the worst of it goes back to the AT-Field. Asuka understood the meaning of the AT-Field, that the more you open yourself up to others, the more hurt you become. The realization dawns on Asuka as her mother from within the Evangelion shields her from the onslaught of JSSDF troops.

It’s then that Asuka finally comprehends what the Absolute Terror Field is. Despite her emotional needs being neglected, realizing she’s set up to fail, and going comatose she still goes on.

Asuka, despite everything, takes a chance and opens her heart knowing the double-edged nature of the AT Field. What happens next?

Asuka took a chance.

She opened her heart...

...and she got hurt all because she opened herself.

XVI. Unit 01+MPE Gorging Sequences

The brutality of both Unit-01 and the Mass Production Evas holds three layers: of visual horror, implied horror, and thematic horror. Unit-01, after taking Zeruel’s s2 engine into herself, proceeds to then brutalize the 14th angel by way of still gorging on it. The feeding was entirely recreational considering Evangelions don’t subsist on food to function. This was more about the sheer act of brutality for brutality’ sake.

The Mass Production Evas also fall under this category, the way in which they deal with Asuka after incapacitating her with a replicated Lance of Longinus is also sadistic and gratuitous. They also proceed to gorge on Asuka, her fate made worse through the simple fact that her sync rate is heightened.

The MPEs don’t even swiftly finish her off. She is in a state of tremendous and unimaginable pain. They fly above her slowly, circling above her mangled Eva.

They are almost mocking her as she can do nothing, save for writhe. Asuka’s seething, repeated “I’ll kill you...I’ll kill you….” is then silenced by the MPEs spearing her down.

The brutality doesn’t end there, as we see much darker implications of the damage sustained toward the end of the first half of End of Evangelion.

Shinji bears witness to the implications after seeing the decimated remains of Unit-02 being carried off by some of the Mass Production Units. The sickening reality of it all dawns on him and he is once more exposed to the woes of war and the nightmarish aspect tied of the Evangelions.

XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arqa

We’re ending the pre-abyssal end of the iceberg with Evangelion’s original proposal.

Eva’s proposal, a far cry to the show today, had a more sci-fi angle to it. Psychological concepts weren’t exactly pitched nor was it self-aware. The angels weren’t even referred to as the angels, but as the Apostolos. Instead of the 18 we were presented with in the original show and the movies, there were 28 Apostolos.

The Apostolos designs stand as testament to how far of a departure the proposal was to the final cut. They look far more menacing than the more amorphous, much softer defined, beady-eyed angels we’re used to. To top it all off, the Apostolos were the de facto villains of Evangelion’s prototype pitch. The Apostolos in the Proposal, toward the end, proceed their onslaught as a group rather than the series’ one by one. Toward the series’ end, the 12 strongest Apostolos begin their assault on North America, annihilating the continent in its entirety.

Only 12 of the creatures laid waste to a singular continent.

Episode 24: "Now, the Promised Time"

Rei breaks down. Her secrets are revealed. At last awakened, the twelve strongest Apostolos descend from the Moon. Both Eva Unit-06 and the American continent vanish completely. Humans acknowledge their helplessness in the face of the Apostolos' crushing power. The promised time, when people will return to nothing, approaches. A human drama in the depths of despair.

Episode 25: "Arqa, the Promised Land"

The laboratory holds the ancient ruins of Arqa, which have become key. In order to stop the twelve Apostolos, the United Nations' head members annul the Human Instrumentality Project and resolve to destroy the Apostolos. Shinji's father objects. Shinji and the others stay at the laboratory for Rei. A drama of people conflicting over incongruous objectives.

https://wiki.evageeks.org/Resources:Neon_Genesis_Evangelion_Proposal_(Translation)

The aforesaid creatures were so powerful in the original pitch that Human Instrumentality and the ancient ruins of Arqa would be the way of stopping the onslaught.

Tier 5: The Abyss

XVIII. Split Second Misato Death

XIX. Humans Are The Villains in Eva

XX. The Ultimate Paradox

XVIII. Split Second Misato Death

As the last and most explicit aspect of original Evangelion, it would only make sense that EoE specific content would take its place in Tier 5. End of Evangelion is a 90 + minute tour de force with disturbing imagery back-to-back. Split Second Misato Death refers to one of the most unsettling images sprinkled all throughout the movie. Here are a few of the many examples of EoE’s building up on Evangelion’s ugliest parts.

Everyone cites the infamous hospital scene not even 5 minutes into the film as the first proof, but user power-chords has pointed out, Shinji has actually attempted suicide (refer to the ‘Free Will v. Determinism’ part of the iceberg.)

After Misato is mortally wounded and sends Shinji off in an elevator not long after, the JSSDF blow up that part of NERV. A few people have pointed out the most disturbing facet of this scene: through freeze-framing that you can actually see Misato’s body during.

The JSSDF scene partway through End of Evangelion in which NERV personnel are summarily annihilated.

For those missing the small detail of Shinji’s attempted suicide ,Shinji’s depressed state is made more clear when the JSSDF locate him. When they do they attempt to kill him execution style. Shinji doesn’t move.

“I don’t want to die…!” during the JSSDF’s assault, Asuka is awoken from comatose state. She is protected by her mother via an AT-Field by Unit-02. She gains back her self-preservation after this realization, and multitude of images play. One of them is an extremely gruesome close-up of Asuka’s face. (extreme body horror warning, proceed with caution)

The Komm Susser Tod scene beginning with Shinji strangling Asuka in harsh coloring, Naoko’s same action toward Rei plays right after. A few disturbing child drawings follow after, predominantly featuring death. (seizure warning, body horror warning)

End of Evangelion’s flooring nature comes from the fact that it builds up on the subtly horrific and makes these terrors explicit. Whatever existed beyond closed doors becomes now available for us to see,

XVIII. Humans Are The Villains in Eva

At the penultimate point of the abyss lies a horror as old as much of time. Of the humane being more disgusting than the monsters.

That we can be monstrous.

This fact becomes known with the appearance of the JSSDF as dispatched by SEELE, methodically mowing down NERV personnel with little to no weaponry of their own. We’re treated to NERV’s personnel in their hallways, some forced with the moral dilemma of leaving their own to die while surviving or helping their own while both end up being gunned down.

It becomes apparent that SEELE has been gradually, intentionally chipping away at NERV’s Defense Budget, getting rid of the (little) competition they have after the defeat of the Last Messenger.

There’s a degree of contempt and casual sadism that comes with how they kill the personnel. In one instance, a NERV worker surrenders to the JSSDF, before being killed off in execution style in the distance (one headshot plus two extra shots for good measure).

When you look back at it, this sort of sheer, unabashed brutality wasn’t felt about the angels. Human attitude about the angels is largely fearing, anxious. This attitude accentuated itself through a sometimes nervous soundscape. Of observing these weird, ghastly creatures as they creep and swim. And the feeling’s mutual. The problem is that we don’t know.

But here? We do know.

When the JSSDF move in, the anxiety of angels graduates to the full-force dread of creatures that have killed before. The greatest enemy to humanity has always been with them all along, forcing them to a catch-22. The dread falls on Maya because she understands this perfectly. NERV has only ever shot at targets rather than living flesh…

...and SEELE knows this.

SEELE’s slow, but sure suppression of NERV’s budget is kicking a man while he’s down, but the man in question is a child instead. The JSSDF have more than enough firepower, calling it overkill goes beyond an understatement.

The JSSDF demonstrate the lack of remorse further with the discovery of Third Child, Shinji Ikari. One of the members presses the barrel to Shinji’s head before Misato steps in and kills the members.

The JSSDF isn’t the only damning evidence of how ugly members of humanity can be, however.

Humanity’s on-occasion grossness shows itself in small ways throughout the series, in dislike and conscious emotional distance for individuals, or beliefs of the angels being unintelligent and/or savage. Other times it manifests fiscally, in orchestrating more ethical approaches to stopping certain destruction to go seemingly haywire in order for NERV to receive more funding. This all due to a rival company of NERV challenging the very idea for its usage of child soldiers.

The worst of this damning fact is that many of the morally repugnant members exist on a higher echelon of society. There are Gendos running around, doing as they so please and they’re the tip of their echelon iceberg.

XIX. The Ultimate Paradox of Evangelion

“Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live.”

We’re treated to these words as Shinji finds himself on shores surrounded by an isolate hellscape, with Asuka next to him. The strange and altogether horrific nature of End of Evangelion has gotten fans believing on End of Evangelion’s endgame was in certain, nihilistic. But Eva dipping its hand in the likelihood of meaning in the existentially meaningless isn’t even the ultimate terror of Eva’s self-aware universe, nor is it the tendency for man to become contemptible towards itself.

Evangelion greatest terror is the paradoxical nature of free will.

Yui’s words to her son as she drifts off into the ever-expanding cosmos, her status as a deity realized, is that paradise is universal. EoE assumes this unconventionally positive approach to a whole series worth of characters’ woes. The issue is: finding paradise is ultimately conditional.

Free Will’s paradoxical nature is what gives credence to the ongoing Free Will vs. Determinism dilemma. People can use their free will to take away yours entirely and this is most evident with Rei. Her existence is the result of a man’s unhealthy attachment to his wife, her lack of self-preservation the result of being conditioned as a multi-purpose vessel; her desire to merge with Lilith to become an omnipresent mother-figure was not hers. The nature of disallowing free will exists on a spectrum, as people can use their free will not to take away the whole of others’ freedoms, but to disallow them proper emotional growth. The adults around Asuka weren’t around for her during the series, leading to her eventual downfall.

Unit-01, throughout much of the second part of EoE holds the power to give or deny people’s physicality due to her status of having both Fruits of Life (the s2 engine held by angels) and Wisdom (from the Lance of Longinus merged with the Eva earlier on). This gives Unit-01 her deity status and while within Lilith-Rei, Shinji realizes that not everyone would be there in his life, that he can’t be in the center of others’ lives. It’s for that reason why he denies people’s physicality (“They can all just die.”), which turns people into LCL.

Shinji gives allows people the ability to come back from Instrumentality after realization arises that without other people, there’s no way to tell if Shinji, himself exists or not. Kaworu and Rei also give him the reality that with people back, pain will become an inevitability once more. With all the souls gathered by Lilith-Rei, they are released after her death.

With the souls of those cast into Instrumentality dispersed, those turned into LCL now hold the ability to come back from Instrumentality if they so choose.

While the idea of anywhere being paradise rings true, it’s not entirely satisfying to say that EoE is unconventional in its uplifting message to the viewer. Evangelion is at its core a cautionary tale. It warns the viewer into extensions of empathy and openness that others would properly live. This goes double for those with power. Without that compassion, we’ll have Asukas, Misatos, Ristukos, as well as Reis, those in the world whose downfalls come from emotional absences, neglect, objectification, and forced baggage. We would have Shinjis, those wanting to be at the nexus of others’ importance because they were deprived while young.

Kindness is a powerful thing and the lack of compassion present in all of Eva implicates most everyone. It leads to yet more abusive cycles, with the only thing breaking that cycle being a hand for those in need.

XX. Conclusion

What more can be said over this juggernaut which is a host to a bevvy of darkness? Evangelion is testament that anxieties and horror don’t need to start out as blatantly shocking or visceral to make an impact years down the line. They also don’t need to be out in the open to initially hook you either. You pick up on a few anxieties as well as horrors and you realize deep down, there must be more, which drives many of us to engage in this often times unabashedly dark source material.

Some of us are doing it later in the throes of adolescences, others are doing so well into their 20s, possibly dipping into their 30s. Point is, it draws in a lot of us and for a lot of us, it doesn’t ever let go.

Some of its charm could be chalked to the visceral ways in which characters interact. Even after years of re-watches, I’m still learning new things about the child soldiers, and I’m quite sure there’s others finding small details. There’s also the possibility of Eva’s approach to terror. I think Evangelion “humanized” its horror. It didn’t make horror a universally human feeling, but made it so that the true big bads looking to cause apocalypse weren’t actually the eldritch. Many of the angels are more or less lost kids looking for their mother (I still think Ramiel’s “singing” in episode 5 was it calling for its mother!).

With those newer details after 20+ years, there will be more added to the iceberg. Hell, there should be more added to the iceberg. This iceberg is the tip of an even greater iceberg. I’m still learning about their adults and their desires as well, how cyclical their actions are. For others, the draw-in factor lies in its low budget. Personally, it’s all of these for me: the low budget helped cement these darker aspects of the series due to horror and the genre’s overall relationship with limitation. It works best on limitation and had Eva worked with a much higher budget, I don’t think the content would be as effective, or perhaps it’d be much more difficult to make it so.

Evangelion is such a well-done, deceptively compact series that each lens a fan assumes has its own interesting rabbit hole. Your circumstance shapes the experience, and this too involves how you navigate the series’ menagerie of terrors.

I’d also like to thank the reader for getting through the largest rabbit hole in Evangelion. I’d also like to thank you for getting through the whole of this meta from a fan who slowly began to resonate with the characters as the years went on!

#neon genesis evangelion #shinji #kaworu #asuka #rei #seizure warning #body horror warning #suicide mention #correct me if im wrong #credit goes to twitter user decoratedboar for the iceberg picture help #and fixes

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demonslayedher · 3 years

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Hello! I don't know if you've been asked about this before but I love your analysis and reflections and I'd love to know all your thoughts about Zennezu if you don't mind 👀⚡🎀 Thanks so much for this blog!! 😊💝

Thank you again for your patience, as well as your comments on my fics and stuff in the meantime (even on Bird Fic, kya~ thank you <3). All my thoughts, hmmmmn…. Well, clearly I am a fluffy ZenNezu shipper and ship-content creator now, but I sure didn’t start that way. This may be long and rambling and mixed between analysis and personal taste. (Actually, it turned into almost 4000 words.)

So. First a little background. I usually am not much of a shipper. The very few OTPs I have all ended in horrific tragedy, and when romance is a big focus of something I’m otherwise enjoying I usually end up not paying much attention to it in favor of all the other elements I like. This is so much more the case when you can tell they’re going to wind up happily ever after. So what happened to make me so soft and fuzzy about the Kimetsu ships, when I otherwise usually don’t have an appetite for happy fluffy romantic endings?

Three major factors: 1. I’m obsessed. 2. I love these characters and want to see anything and everything about them. 3. Romance wasn’t actually a big element at all in canon, so it left me with an appetite and curiosity for it.

Even though I figured from long ago that ZenNezu would be end game, initially I was somewhere between indifferent and put-off. As much as I love Zenitsu, and I acknowledge that Ufotable the added the “run around and chase Nezuko” bit and removed the part with Zenitsu adoringly talking to Nezuko through her box, and as much as he can be defended for being lonely rather a pervert, the fact still stands that his level of appreciation for girls makes the characters around him uncomfortable. His most cringe-worthy lines at the Butterfly Mansion are all straight from the manga, and even though he was easily one of my favorite characters by the end of my initial watch of the series, I was very put off by his “girls are all queens” surface-level comments and more disturbing pleasure he took in the presence of girls (especially when he could physically interact with them), not to mention his pathetic introduction bothering a complete stranger and displaying that he doesn’t actually take girls’ feelings into consideration.

All this made me inwardly groan, feeling bad for Nezuko, figuring they were going to wind up together because she’s a saint who can find the patience to deal with someone like that, as he clearly wasn’t going to be desirable to any of the rest of the female cast. Enjoying the series well enough despite this, it didn’t bother me terribly much, pairings happen, whatever, I have a history of ignoring them. But one day, well and deep into caring about this whole cast like they’re all my children, I realized something. Isn’t… isn’t it cute how they both get their strength from taking naps? W-wouldn’t it be cute to see them innocently take naps together? Naps to protect each other? Oh. Oh-h-h-h-h. Oh dear. Oh no, it’s cute. Oh no. OH NO.

And that was how my warming up to this pairing started, it very quickly grew into “I love these children and I want them to be happy, being with Nezuko will make Zenitsu very, very happy, I love seeing him happy, happy Zenitsu” but was still a little reserved about Nezuko. Zenitsu was going to make her happy, right? It wasn’t just going to be a case of Nezuko having gotten fond of him over the course of everything they’ve been though, he is actually going to be her taste and make her heart go “kyun” right? Oh Nezuko, oh saintly Nezuko…

Let’s take a moment to pause here and think chronologically, though, as well as analyze their personalities and tastes. Neither of them are particularly picky, we can start there. Aside from fussy busy-bodies like Aoi, as long as it’s a girl, any girl is Zenitsu’s type. He’s desperate, and he’s painted the whole of girl-kind in pretty similar, not always realistic rosy colors. Even though he’s been used and abused by so many girls in his past, it’s his desire to believe that each new one he meets will fit that rosy imaginary color he paints over them that he chooses to let himself be duped, because he really is that lonely. I’ll give him that, sure, he’s a healthy young man with an interest in physical touch, but his dream in Mugen Ressha gives a good indication of what he’s really looking for: companionship, someone who likes spending time with him, someone who will find him useful and believe in him and look to him for protection, someone who likes him enough to spare him the physical intimacy of simply holding his hand. This is all an extension of what Zenitsu desires as whole, hoping he can better himself enough to be reliable and valued in general. Picturing it in the form of a significant other is one very vivid way to focus all those feelings, resulting in that rosy ideal which Zenitsu probably knows in his heart of hearts is too good to be true. That’s why he probably doesn’t think he’s ever going to find it, and therefore why he’s all over any slightest chance of attaining it.

My gosh, if being abandoned over and over isn’t enough, the fact that none of the girls he dated in the past were ever willing to even hold his hand hurts so much.

Nezuko, though, grew up in a secure family with a good relationship to observe between her parents. She probably always envisioned growing up to be like her mother, the quintessential “good wife, wise mother” (a phrase coined later on in the Taisho period to idealize the traditional roles of a woman). She cooks and cleans and sews and the first fanbook even tells us she was good at using an abacus, so she can handle family finances like a pro. Her traditional values probably made her tastes pretty standard, hoping for a reliable protector, but also someone who might be as kind as her father and her brother. But as for what makes her heart go doki-doki? The extra comic at the end of volume 3 tells us that she does long since have a type, it’s a person who’s like a Hisha.

Hisha: a chess/Shougi piece that can move an unlimited number of spaces in horizontal and vertical directions, and is crowned a dragon when it enters enemy territory.

So, yes, this is the part where we all smile and point at Gotouge and say, “I see what you did there, Wani-sensei.”

I find this reassuring; it tells me that Nezuko can find her heart squeezed at how cool Zenitsu is instead of just coming around and liking him because she was flattered by his affection and learned to see how nice he is and stuff. There are plenty of nice Demon Slayers who are strong and cool protectors, but that ZING that Zenitsu has (when he’s asleep) is something that can make her heart race. I’m all for this. I hinge so much of my ZenNezu feelings on this Hisha comment.

The second fanbook states that Nezuko initially had trouble sorting out her memories, and because Zenitsu gave her two such different impressions, it felt like memories of two different people, but over time the memories overlapped to form one complete person. We could say that she and Zenitsu had two first meetings.

Initially, when she was in the box, her little demon heart did go doki-doki; it was the first time a boy besides her brother had protected her, so even though Oniichan is Number One in her heart for the general duration of canon, this encounter was sure to leave a flattering impression. However, when they met face to face that night, he was just some confusing dandelion yelling and screaming about weird stuff, and then he was just a confusing (and possible bothersome) dandelion wanting to hang around her and give her flowers and stuff. It’s anyone’s guess just how “there” Nezuko was at this stage, as she does seem to gain back more of her own will and thought processes over the course of the series, rather than being guided by very, very simple rules to govern her behavior.

Zenitsu feel in love at first sight, and the second fanbook tells us he asked Tanjiro about her human personality, seeing as she wasn’t fully there. He was initially doubtful that anyone so perfect as Nezuko could exist and figured Tanjiro must had been biased and therefore exaggerating, but can we blame Zenitsu for being a smidge guarded? He’s been let down a lot, after all.

We know from Taisho Secrets and side novels that Zenitsu spent a lot of time with Nezuko during their long recovery at the Butterfly Mansion. Even how much more thought we see Nezuko display in the Train arc, she probably underwent a lot of mental development in this time, and my guess is that due to how much he interacted with her, this is probably when Zenitsu went from being a strange dandelion to a strange companion. She probably focused more on the goldfish and the pretty flowers (which he did take her to see!) and any flattering mention of her brother, though. Zenitsu, I’m relieved to say, seemed to genuinely care about what would make Nezuko happy instead of selfishly assuming something like “she likes me too, she wants to marry me.” But knowing Zenitsu, he probably assumed that her willingness to spend time with him was an indication of being willing to talk marriage once she was more herself again, though.

Let’s pause here and put on our Oniichan goggles, though. Early on, Tanjiro has to insist to just about everyone that Nezuko is still her own person with her own thoughts and feelings. Being a demon has taken a lot of her freedom to act on her true nature away from her, but he knows she’s still in there and he treats her like an equal human being. He had to watch over and over as people see his sister and only think, “demon.”

And then there’s his friend Zenitsu, who looks at her and thinks, “girl. Girl! Girl. Girl. Sweet girl, adorable girl, best girl in the world.” And maybe that’s a little bothersome, but yes, someone gets it!! Someone understands! Even though Tanjiro’s initial concerns are keeping Nezuko from being bothered by unwelcome advances, as long as Zenitsu is willing to respect that Nezuko is not entirely able to speak for herself now, he seems pretty approving of Zenitsu (provided Nezuko decides she likes him back). I’d like to think there was an unspoken promise between bros on what boundaries to follow. Besides that, Tanjiro believes in Zenitsu a lot more than Zenitsu believes in himself, so Tanjiro probably wasn’t worried about the “strong protector” role a future husband should fulfil. Or at least, Tanjiro doesn’t seem concerned once he gets to know Zenitsu, he’d have rejected Zenitsu flat-out on that first meeting. Zenitsu, you are so lucky Tanjiro is so forgiving.

However, for as much as Zenitsu sees Nezuko as “GIRL!! Girl, girl, girl!”, he’s still got his rosy vision that conveniently clouds out any disturbing realities. She is, after all, a demon.

This is something Zenitsu never actually had the chance to struggle with, and I would have really liked to see him challenged by that reality a bit more. He never witnessed Nezuko’s berserker mode, nor did he ever see her struggle to keep from eating someone, he wasn’t even awake to watch her fight like a violent animal/angry toddler on the train. Had there been a scene of Zenitsu forced to face how terrifying she had potential to be, it would had really sold his commitment to Nezuko specifically, instead of only Nezuko as his most likely girlfriend candidate.

On the train, Nezuko has the good fortune of seeing another side of Zenitsu, getting one hell of a doki-doki moment. As she’s gaining more self-awareness back, it probably made those doki-dokis more complex too. While I understand there wasn’t a good opportunity to fit in the pace of the story, I love that Taisho Secret of her concerned about him before he wakes up. Instead of him just being that boy who shows her pretty things and says nice things about her Oniichan, this is when he starts becoming something a little more unique among all the people whom little demon Nezuko has bet and who have been nice to her.

In the months that follow, we don’t get much deviation from this slow development. Zenitsu’s feelings toward Nezuko don’t really change at all, but there’s another thing about this ship: neither one chose the other over anybody else. They sort of just came together, Zenitsu gets hooked on one girl at a time, but what if someone had come along with an interest in him? At what point would he had given up on Nezuko? Probably pretty quickly, if someone was serious enough about him. It wouldn’t have been a break up either, since he was still in the pursuing stages (might be more of a break-up conversation with Tanjiro, who had been tacitly supportive).

Actually, for most of the remainder of the series, the affection that Nezuko and Zenitsu build for each other is done when they’re apart, dwelling on their thoughts of each other. For Nezuko, we see this come out after the Swordsmith Village arc in her sunlit elation to see him again, and her efforts to greet him. She very clearly recognizes him and is happy to see him, a big difference compared to how she was more elated by the sight of a fishbowl before. In Zenitsu’s case, this deepening of his affections and running away with his thoughts and feelings results him declaring once and for all, this is her. He’s found her. This is the girl who he will be committed to his whole life, in his heart she is already his wife.

When human!Nezuko is gaining her memories back, her first impressions are of the boy showing her pretty things and giving her flowers, someone who probably has a crush on her, rather than thinking back to someone who she may have had a crush on. (Those cool impressions probably hit her later, I’m assuming, given the stress of the moment.) Romance is not immediately on her mind, though she does quickly recall having friendly affection for this boy for has always been so sweet to her. And Nezuko, handling his surprising level of affection gracefully, helps Zenitsu off the battlefield while he’s in terrible pain (though she probably was too, my poor girl, that fight with demon!Tanjiro was so rough). But honestly, not only is she probably too overwhelmed by everything to think much about romance, but she probably doesn’t take Zenitsu very seriously initially. She knows he’s got a tendency to overexaggerate, and it’s nice that he’s so sweet to her, but since he acts all fluffy and silly around her she probably thinks he’s not being that serious either. Furthermore, she’s got a lot of people to suddenly care about, Zenitsu has a lot to contend with for trying to get special attention. Hell, Zenitsu was probably awake and causing a racket while she was frantic with worry that comatose Giyuu might die. While she did remake Jiichan’s haori to fit Zenitsu’s later, see spent her time in the hospital mending Giyuu’s haori (Nezuko, baby, doesn’t your hand hurt though!?). While Zenitsu was swept up in happy “Nezuko is human now, we’re totally gonna get married” feels, he probably didn’t even notice that he was only one slice in a very big pie of memories that Nezuko suddenly found in her lap and had to slowly chew and digest.

So… this brings us to the extra post-canon comic in the second fanbook, which I initially did not like very much back when it came out in February. I’ve come around a lot to it, but what really hit me at first was “oh no, Nezuko really is only going to accept this marriage because she’s a saint, he’s not being desirable at all.”

But, treating it with a little more patience and sympathy for Zenitsu… he’s just gotten what he’s always wanted, of course he’s going to stop striving a bit and get blissfully carried away in it. And Nezuko, the ever sweet, isn’t going to stop him.

Some of the other commentary in the fanbook states that Zenitsu, for a time, found himself terrified of how girls could be sweet to his face while hiding their true thoughts about him. But, finding that Nezuko was not at all two-faced, he nearly “died and went to heaven” as the exaggeration goes. He doesn’t like to work hard in the first place (but does, because it will make people like Jiichan proud), so getting away with being spoiled is too big of a temptation to resist. Nezuko is sensitive to what makes the people around her happy or uncomfortable, so she never makes any request of Zenitsu. She’s so grateful to have their new little family that her happiness is everyone else’s happiness, she doesn’t really desire a heartthrob romance, even if being a wife and mother is an eventual goal. And, without being under any pressure to make someone proud, Zenitsu gets swept away and indulges.

Thank you, Tanjiro, for putting a stop to this.

He’s still rooting for Zenitsu, since this is his friend and he knows it would make his friend happy to wind up with Nezuko, but he’s setting himself up for failure, or setting Nezuko up to be cheated out on a good match at this rate (if she were to accept out of being nice). Very, very thankfully, Zenitsu responds well to pressure. By this point Nezuko has gotten so used to sweet but indulgent Zenitsu that he seems she totally accepted that his Hisha side didn’t exist anymore, if it even existed in the first place.

Good for Zenitsu asking for her response a year later (when they’d be getting to the legal marriage ages for the Taisho period anyway), he knew he still had shaping up to do to earn her affection. And Nezuko probably needed time to build some admiration for him again, since the doki-dokis were so gone. Even if he couldn’t use that super cool Thunder Breath anymore, it would probably catch her attention to see him strive again, to put effort into being manly, specifically for her. It wasn’t just the Thunder Breath that gave her doki-dokis, it was the Hisha knight-like attitude too, whether asleep and acting on his inner potential, or awake and bravely defending her based on his own goodness and faith.

I hope that in their married life, Zenitsu will retain that sort of manliness in being a provider for her, even he does get indulged a lot at home.

Now for how this plays into some of my fanwork and headcanons:

You know how I said all my OTPs were tragedies? Yeah, I love a good dose of angst. I did start writing a single-scene fic one time of injured Zenitsu desperately trying to cover Nezuko from the sun while waiting for Tanjiro to find them, and in Nezuko’s panic about the sun she starts losing her self-control over her appetite, and Zenitsu is forced to confront that the girl he loves could very easily kill him. I never finished it, though, and it was embarrassingly self-indulgent.

For my big favorite AU of a monster fanfic, I did add more ZenNezu on the massive edit, because by this point I just enjoy ZenNezu so much that I wanted more of it. But!! What I really like about working with it in this fic is that there’s a conflict: Demon!Tanjiro. In this canon divergence, Human!Nezuko and Zenitsu get to interact more than they ever did while she was a demon, and they both already have affection for each other, but the lingering fact that Tanjiro is technically their enemy gives me some tension and angst to work with.

Yes, I wrote a One Shot of Zenitsu and Nezuko as fresh new parents, but it was a bit of a dark dive into Zenitsu’s feelings of inadequacy. But domesticity comes with some inevitable fluff anyway, and likewise it felt embarrassing indulgent, and I can’t write fluff without a little bittersweetness. M…maybe the reason I’m not a shipper is because I’m easily flustered???

I’d like to think that Zenitsu got a desk job that he worked hard at because he wants to be a provider, and Nezuko does find his hard work attractive. I headcanon it was at an electric company, because hahahaha, electricity. I’d like to think he had a long career in that company (and although his colleagues know him for having a bit of an extreme personality and being obsessed with his wife, they sometimes catch glimpses of a very, very strong side of Zenitsu—like, scarily strong), and that when he’s old and retired in the Postwar Economic Miracle, he buys a fancy camera to take pictures of Nezuko (instead of “say cheese” it’s “Thunderclap and Flash!”), and he takes Nezuko to Paris because that’s the romantic thing to do. Also, I don’t like moustaches as a rule, but I totally approve of old man Zenitsu having a fluffy moustache.

World War Two, though… I’d like to think that if his job had him in the city, he was extremely reliable when it came to protecting his family in case of bombing. I’d also like to think that this was when the Kamado family moved to the city, because Nezuko was worried about Kanao and her nieces and nephews, so Zenitsu made sure they were all together. Inosuke might had taken the opposite route and taken his family to the mountains to shelter out there in the wild.

AAAAHHHH, listen to me being so self-indulgent with headcanons, I pride myself on sticking close to canon in my fanwork, I will never produce this, AAAAHHHH, I’m embarrassed~~~~I---I’m not a shipper! No! I don’t have a shipper’s bone in my body! Who needs romance, it means nothing to me, I don’t get swept up in happy fantasies about young newlywed Zenitsu and Nezuko, really I don’t, I take what canon gives me and I stick with it, I’m here for bromance and comradery and fights to the death, I—I don’t need disgusting fluffy feelings, ew, ew, no, really-----ahhh, too flustered, too flustered, too flustered, no, no, no, no, no, no, WHEN DID I BECOME A SHIPPER, nnnnnnnnhhhhjjjj

Which is all to say that Zenitsu and Nezuko as a pairing really grew on me, even though it is essentially a fluffy happy pairing that only got surface-level interaction and was never seriously challenged. It’s got some shadows lurking in there, especially diving into Zenitsu’s heart, but in general this was a slow build-up of mutual affection between two characters with pretty simple desires of their own, and most of all, a desire to see each other happy. That makes it a good comfort ship.

And they’re both are sleepyheads, hNNNGGGHHHhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH

#4000 words over the course of which I slowly begin to lose my cool #Zennezu #Zenitsu x Nezuko #Agatsuma Zenitsu #Kamado Nezuko #Kimetsu no Yaiba #kny #demon slayer #KnY Fandom Theories and Meta

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typically-untypical · 2 years

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A Dragon's Treasure

Story Plot: Prince Roman is desperate to break the curse placed upon his people, no matter what the cost. The dragon Janus is able to break the curse, but he will only offer his services for a price. Though, Janus’ intentions are not quite what they seem.

Ao3 Link

Chapter 4 - Black and White

It took more than just a good breakfast, but once Roman began to drop his guard just a bit around Patton, he realized the other man was a good distraction. He was very kind and had a marvelous sense of humor. He continuously made puns about anything he could, and Roman started to feel less defensive about being there. For a few moments, he even forgot he was captive, and instead imagined that Patton was someone he had met on his travels. For a few moments, he could act like everything was perfect and Roman was playing his role as dignitary and protector.

At least, until reality came crashing back in.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I figured if I was breaking a curse for your kingdom, you might be interested in assisting and taking care of some of the chores that I won’t be able to do.” Janus was standing in the doorway, one eye bright yellow and slitted like his dragon form, the other completely human. Roman wasn’t sure what was more unnerving, his full dragon form, or this half-human half-dragon visage. One could easily destroy him with a single claw, but this form spoke of power in a different way. It was frustrating to feel cornered and unable to fight back.

“Like I have much of a choice.” His words were the only thing he still had that might hurt even a bit, though he doubted a dragon cared much about his sass.

True to that thought, Janus just raised an eyebrow, his lip twisting into a smirk.

“Thank you, Patton, for your lovely companionship.” Roman refused to give Janus the satisfaction of further comments.

“It was nothing Kiddo, I’m glad I could help.”

“Still not your kid.”

“Everyone’s my kiddo.”

That wasn’t a fight he was going to win, and honestly, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to fight it. The friendly demeanor was nice, and it gave him something to look forward to.

“You realize he is much, much older than you?” Janus wasn’t even looking at him and yet Roman could hear the amusement in his voice.

“What do you mean? I’m sure he is older but not that much older.” He put every ounce of condescension in his voice. Not for Patton, obviously not, but because he didn’t like being a toy for some dragon.

“Patton is a few hundred years old.”

“What?! But Humans can’t live that long.”

“No, but mages can.”

“Mages?” Roman had heard a little about mages in his studies but magic wasn’t something that was practiced among a lot of people, there was a fear that people who attempted to practice magic would be consumed by it and forced to hurt those they loved. The only person Roman knew who even dabbled in magic was Logan, and that was always in secret and with Roman’s supervision. He didn’t know a lot of spells, but he knew enough to help aid in their research on curses.

“Mages are humans that specialize in magic.” He knew that much, he wasn’t dumb. “There are different classes and often how you choose to study determines your class. Patton is a forest witch and a rather powerful one at that, because of that, the forest helps keep him alive, and in turn, he protects everything that lives in the forest. Though, he has struggled a bit with the spiders there.” There was a soft fondness to the way Janus spoke about Patton, and if Roman wasn’t so keyed up, he might have noticed it.

“Great, so I’m surrounded by a bunch of beings stronger than me that could easily kill me. That’s fantastic.”

“Yes, well, you are a part of my hoard now. I’m not going to let you get hurt so easily. Besides, I’m really the only thing you need to worry about. Patton is too soft for his own good sometimes. Then again, his hoard is impressive in his own right.”

“Mages can have hoards?”

“I guess hoard isn’t the right word for it… more like a collection.” Janus frowned slightly, and Roman took the slightest bit of satisfaction in Janus’ struggle to explain. “Have you ever met someone who is so charismatic that they end up collecting followers but on accident?”

“Not really, but I understand the concept.”

“Patton is like that.” Was that supposed to make him feel better?

“Alright, and what about the changeling?”

“Changeling? Do you mean Remus?”

“Sure, if that’s what you want to call him.”

“Remus isn’t a changeling, he’s actually the only thing here that’s as human as you are. Also a dumbass.” Again, those words were spoken with more fondness than Roman would have ever believed was possible of a dragon. He also wasn’t willing to dwell on or think about that thought right now. He just wanted to be mad and frustrated.

“I doubt that, the resemblance is too striking, and I don’t have a twin. I would know if I did.”

“Would you? You implied that twins are a bit of a bad thing in your culture, in a superstitious way. Is it really hard to believe that your parents would abandon one of their own to protect their station and power?”

“No… yes…” Would his parents have abandoned his brother rather than face the consequences of having a twin? He knew his father wouldn’t, but what about his mother? She was so extremely superstitious, Roman had grown up with so many rules based on folklore. “Look, don’t try to confuse me on what my family would or wouldn’t do. I know my family.”

“Do you?” He turned to look at Roman, staring him in the eyes. It was a statement, clear as day. ‘Are you sure the world is as black and white as you see it?’

Roman wasn’t willing to answer that. Dragons might still be alive, but they were evil and conniving, he could see that clear as day. It didn’t matter if Janus obviously had love in his heart for the kind-hearted mage, and yet also cared about the chaotic changeling. Dragons were evil and only served their own purpose.

That was it, black and white.

“What was it that you needed my help on.”

“Oh yes, of course. I’m going to show you where the stream is, then I need you to stir up the silt and take about enough water and silt to fill 2 vials.”

“Why silt?”

“It’s a very important ingredient in the spell.”

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Tag List: @simplestoryteller @fantasticfangirl21 @joylessnightsky

#Sanders Sides #Sanders Side fic #Fanfic #Roman Sanders #Janus Sanders #Remus Sanders #Patton Sanders #Logan Sanders #Virgil Sanders #A Dragons Treasure #Kingdom AU #Roman Angst #Untypical Creations

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shireness-says · 3 years

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Coming Soon: Seeking Shelter, Seeking Solace

1895. Emma Swan answers an ad in the paper from a man looking for a wife in order to flee Boston - only to arrive in rural Storybrooke, Minnesota and discover that her intended husband is dead. Left with no other options, Emma takes a position at the local tavern alongside the sullen, dark-haired barkeep with demons of his own. But what will she do when the forces she’s worked so hard to escape reappear in the new life she’s building, forcing her to turn to this unlikely savior for aid?

Presenting my contribution to @csjanuaryjoy! Which, true to form, has spiraled from an anticipated 15k for the whole fic to 10k for one chapter, and the other two unfinished. I promise some delicious marriage of convenience, pining, and even some action. This will begin posting in a few days, so let me know if you want to be tagged! In the meantime, enjoy this preview:

Emma can’t help but fidget in her seat as her train tears across the Midwestern landscape. Though this was her choice, she still can’t help but be nervous; after all, this is a very different world from Boston, the only home she’s ever known. She’s used to bustling streets and the lap of the waves against the docks at the harbor, not these miles after miles of plains and crop fields. It’s almost enough to make her second guess this whole thing.

It’s not a mistake though, she knows. She’d needed to get out of Boston, as quickly as possible, and this had been the best of a variety of bad options. Emma has never been particularly romantic, even as a little girl, but in the few imaginings she’d allowed herself of her future, answering a newspaper ad for a wife had never factored in. Then again, her fantasies had never anticipated the particular situation she’s trying to escape: a man who wouldn’t hear no, who was willing to pursue her relentlessly, from city to city, always a threat on her tail. The security of marriage, and of distance, had only made sense. And then again, she’s never been sentimental ; true love isn’t something she anticipated in a union, or even particularly believed in, for that matter.

The man she’s travelling to meet seems kind, she consoles herself with knowing. Emma hadn’t been particularly picky in selecting a man from the handful of querants in the paper, but Graham Humbert seems to be a good one. He’s the sheriff of a small town in Minnesota, who found himself lonely and wanting companionship.

I can darn my own socks and cook my own dinner, though neither with any exemplary skill, he had written. I’m not looking for someone to look after me in that way, regardless of what my friends’ wives think; I’d hire a lady to do the cleaning if that was the issue. I’m searching for someone to speak with at the end of a long day, someone to listen and to laugh with. I don’t believe myself to be a sweeping romantic, but I will be happy to give and receive a kind of gentle affection. Maybe we can come to love each other in time; I would be happy with that too, though I am not counting on it.

She’d liked that about him, that amiable practicality so evident even in his letters. It’s what had made her agree to travel to Minnesota with the intent to marry him, really - the feeling that they viewed a union in the same way. There will be a trial period, of course, a month during which to decide whether the two of them will suit each other before anything is formalized - but Emma is determined to make it work. What other choice does she have?

The train will be pulling into Storybrooke soon - a tiny dot on the map, where Emma doubts anyone else will be alighting. All of her belongings have been tightly packed into two measly carpetbags in order to, hopefully, start a new life. Maybe it’s foolish, but Emma had splurged on a new, sleek jacket before she’d left the city, a cheery blue to pair with her navy skirt and white blouse in an attempt to impress. Mostly, she wants to look neat more than anything else: a capable woman, one who won’t be afraid to adapt to a new life with a minimum of fuss, one who won’t make Sheriff Humbert’s life more difficult. Pretty is of secondary concern.

She sees the town coming long before the train pulls into the tiny station, roofs and chimneys rising above the flat landscape and copious corn fields. Somewhere in this state, she knows, are hundreds and thousands of lakes; however, they’re nowhere to be seen here. Storybrooke itself is a bare cluster of buildings seeming to group around a single main street, with homesteads and farm plots doubtlessly stretching out to the surrounding area. It’s a whole different world from what she’s used to, but that’s the entire point, really; no one will think to look for her here, in the rural midwest as the wife of a sheriff.

When the train finally pulls into what passes for a station, a single cramped building with barely enough room for a ticket office and a luggage closet, a man is waiting on the platform, sheltered from the late-spring sun by an awning off the station roof. The star-shaped badge on his coat and the way he shifts nervously from foot to foot make Emma think this must be the anticipated Sheriff Humbert. His hair is rather more golden than the sandy blonde-brown color Mr. Humbert had tried to describe in his letters, but Emma supposes that’s to be expected. She likely didn’t give a perfect description of her appearance either.

Quickly, she gathers her bags and alights to the station platform with the assistance of a young porter. The man waiting quickly doffs his hat, playing with the brim in another nervous gesture. “Miss Swan?”

Carefully, Emma arranges her face into something she hopes passes as an amiable smile. “Yes, that’s me. And you’ll be Sheriff Humbert, I presume?”

“I - well, no,” the man who isn’t Graham Humbert stutters out. “I’m David Nolan, actually. One of the deputies here.”

Unexpected - but there are countless excellent reasons that Deputy Nolan might be sent instead. Trouble can happen even in a small town, dozens of minor disputes that can somehow only be settled by the sheriff himself. “In that case, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Nolan. I must admit, I was expecting Mr. Humbert. Pardon my mistake.”

“About that —” Deputy Nolan cuts himself off, looking curiously uncomfortable. It sets Emma a bit on edge, but there’s no way to dance around it - not when she doesn’t have all the information.

“Yes?”

Deputy Nolan swallows heavily, visibly, his fingers tightening around the brim of his hat again before he drags his eyes to meet hers. “I’m sorry to tell you, Miss Swan, but Graham - Sheriff Humbert - died two days ago.”

Of all the things she thought he might say, all the ways she imagined this might go, that certainly wasn’t one of them.

#cs ff #cs january joy #cs fanfiction #captain swan #Seeking Shelter Seeking Solace #my writing #marriage of convenience

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apiratewhopines · 3 years

Text

Look at the mesmerizing artwork by @teamhook. Can you spot the villain of this little story?

In the Offing

Chapter 18 — The Stable Boy

Summary: In which our heroine misplaces something

Chapter 18 on AO3

“A guilty conscience means at least you’ve got one

Who will forgive you when I’m gone?”

-Here He Comes, The Wallflowers

“That went further than I intended,” Killian whispered against her throat. She could feel his smile against the sensitive skin and knew that while his words sounded like the beginning of an apology, it was really more of an observation on their current status. Their completely unclothed, totally sated status.

“Hmm, there is something about the motion of the water,” Emma said by way of agreement. She was lazily running her fingers through his mussed hair, appreciating the way the thick, short locks felt silky in her hands. His laughter rumbled through his chest and she gave in to the temptation to run her fingers through the hair there as well.

“I’ll make a pirate out of you yet, Swan.”

“Well, I need to do something special for a man who would trade a secluded afternoon with the most famous actress in the world to spend time with his unknown, magnet-for-trouble house guest.”

She should get up. Lord only knew if there were locks on the door or if they could be interrupted. However, she wasn’t lying about the sensation of being lulled to sleep by the waves. Although sleep was the furthest thing from her mind a few minutes ago.

“House guest? Is that the label we’re going with? How about girlfriend? Lover? Angel? Magnificent creature?” He punctuated each question with a nuzzle against a different section of exposed flesh. “Besides, I am a seafaring man and all sailors know that it’s bad luck to have a redhead on board. Thank goodness I didn’t have to take her out on the open seas. You may never have seen me again.”

“That would have been a shame. I do enjoy seeing you. The more of you, the better.” She allowed her hands to wander over the expanse of skin on display, thankful that the afternoon was warm since there was only one sheet and their picnic blanket from the other day to cover up with. Her eyes had drifted closed during their idle exchange but she cracked open her left to look at him as she felt the bed shift under his movements. He had propped himself up on his elbow and was resting on his side. She was surprised to see his expression had turned serious. “What’s on your mind?”

“I think it’s time we talk. I like the odds of you staying put since you’re naked,” he added with some of his usual swagger.

“If you’re ready,” she told him. Reaching up to cradle his face in her hands, she knew that nothing he said would make any difference to her. She was too far gone already. The only possible outcome was she would fall deeper under his spell. “No matter what, I’m not going anywhere.”

“You don’t know what those words mean to me, love.” He pressed a forceful kiss to her lips and returned to his earlier position. His eyes focused out the window and glazed over as he became lost in his memories. When he spoke, his voice had deepened with emotion. “Liam and I moved here a decade ago with one purpose and one purpose only: To find Frederick’s bloody treasure trove. There was nothing for us in England, hadn’t been in years really. I was graduating and Liam was finishing up his enlistment with the Navy. To my surprise, he didn’t doubt for a moment my claims that I could find our fortune on the rocky beaches of Maine. So off we went without a backward glance at the shores of our ancestors.”

She could imagine a younger Killian, full of life and confidence, pulling along his older, more seasoned brother. After all, no one was more jaded than her and she was already prepared to follow him to the ends of the earth.

“It took us more time to find the pub in Storybrooke than it did to find the first treasure hoard. Oh, Emma, I wish you could have been there.” His grin was something that belonged on a schoolboy’s face, not a man in his mid-thirties. Unable to help herself, she reached up and traced it with her fingertips. He captured her wayward digits and pressed a heartfelt kiss to the tips. “Most pirate treasure was in the form of goods like timber, cotton, sugar, or tobacco. But good old Frederick didn’t disappoint. There was enough silver to make us wealthy even by today’s standards. There were some interesting historical bits as well that will one day find their way into a museum but I won’t bore you with those details.”

“Such a gentleman,” she murmured with a chuckle. “What did you do with it? Aren’t you supposed to alert the authorities when you find stuff like that?”

“I want to be a better man for you, Swan, but I will never be a saint. We haven’t disclosed any of our findings. We simply dip in when we need something extra. Some day we’ll let it see the light of day but for now it rests in Davy Jones’ locker.”

“Wait, I know that one. You mean it’s hidden under the sea?”

“No, we put it in my grandfather’s old locker and buried it under the cottage. It’s the only thing my father left behind when he abandoned us all those years ago.” When she rolled her eyes at him, he simply chuckled. “But to answer your question, the laws vary by state and country. Maine is actually quite lenient with their buried treasure as long as it isn’t found on state property. Luckily, two of the piles we found were on my land at the cottage. Technically, I didn’t own the land when I found the first one but it was under contract. I quickly remedied that and it was all above board when I found the second stash a few days later. That one had more coins and a few loose gemstones.”

“Gemstones?” Visions of The Goonies filled Emma’s mind and she had to stop herself from asking about One-Eyed Willy. Because, as fantastical as it seemed, the man who held her heart in his hands also had a knack for finding buried treasure. A gift she hoped he would survive considering someone out there desperately wanted to get their hands on it.

“Yes, darling,” he answered. “I think several have your name on them.”

“No way,” she argued. “I don’t want any of it. What if it’s cursed?”

“Cursed, you say?” He looked thoughtful as the sunlight was momentarily blocked by an errant storm cloud outside. “Yes, I suppose that may be true. Shortly after I uncovered the third pile, I went to the Rabbit Hole to celebrate my victory. Liam had just met Elsa so I was on my own for the most part those days. Not that it mattered, you know how this town takes to new people so I never lacked companionship for a drink or...whatever.”

“Whatever, indeed,” Emma teased in her best impression of his accent. She sensed he was coming to the part of his story that was the most difficult to relay and tried to infuse some humor into the conversation.

With a rueful grin that acknowledged her effort, both with the accent and the humor, he continued. “I met Milah that night. She was a sight to behold in the dim light of the bar, vibrant in a way that seemed too much for this little town.” He narrowed his eyes as they made contact with hers. “I didn’t know at first that she was married. Lads of twenty-four aren’t known for pumping the brakes when a beautiful woman gives them nothing but green lights and I was no different. Honestly, I was probably worse. I was a rash young man far from home and high on my own cleverness. It never occurred to me to question my good fortune or wonder why no one else was vying for her attention.”

“How far gone were you when you found out the truth?”

“Completely,” he confessed with a shaky breath. “The fight we had when I found out, well, it would have melted paint off the walls. I was a dirty little secret, the younger man who captured her attention but not her affections. It was always like that with her. She was so restless. Always moving, always searching. Nothing was ever enough. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t enough either. She wanted someone to rescue her from a life of boredom, someone who would carry her away and show her the world and fill her days with adventures. I couldn’t be that for her but I nearly destroyed myself trying to be.”

He was lost in the past, his eyes distant and filled with pain. Reliving the end of the most meaningful relationship of your life wasn’t easy, Emma definitely understood that. Especially when you gave all you had to it and it still collapsed in pieces around you.

“Her husband came to visit me one night toward the end. Offered me money to break it off,” he scoffed as if the idea still insulted him. “I refused of course, convinced he was the villain in our little drama and that I would win the heart of the fair maiden in the end. At it turned out, I was wrong on both counts. The villain was the fair maiden. Mr. Gold and I were both pawns in her scheme to escape a life she hated. When she had the opportunity, she took the money and ran. In my kinder moments, I feel sorry for her knowing she must have felt trapped. But then I remember the way the whole town thought I killed her and any kindness I’m able to scare up disappears. Just like she did.”

“You’ve never heard from her? You have no idea what happened to her?”

“No. When it ended, it ended badly. She wanted me to take her husband’s money so we could leave town together, was angry when I refused to be chased off into the night. It was then that I realized she didn’t care who she was with, as long as she wasn’t in Storybrooke. It was a tough blow to stomach. I only saw her one time after that, a couple of nights before she disappeared. She showed up at the cottage to apologize. Told me she would never regret our relationship but it was time to move on. She left the map as a parting gift. I knew then that she meant to leave. Make no mistake, Emma, Milah is alive and well somewhere on this globe, living her life to the fullest and not sparing a thought for anyone in this town.”

“Then her absence is no great loss,” she observed.

He shook his head slowly as if he wasn’t sure he agreed with her assessment. “The day after she stopped by for the last time was when I pulled my idiotic stunt. I got drunk and tried to sail directly into a Nor’easter. Liam caught me at the docks and insisted on coming with me when he couldn’t talk me out of leaving. Our boat capsized about a mile up the coast. I’m only glad I was able to pull him to shore.”

“You saved his life? One-handed in a gale?”

With a bitter twist of his lips, he bit out, “Not sure you’ll allowed to claim such a thing when the only reason a person was in danger in the first place is because of you. He was trapped under the broken mast. I’m still not sure how I got him out but I crushed my hand in the process. Got a pretty nasty infection and the doctors told me the hand couldn’t be saved and if I wasn’t lucky, I’d lose the arm too. Seemed like a no-brainer.”

She felt the tension gripping him and trailed her hands down his left arm, running her fingers over the smooth scars she felt there. He didn’t pull away but he didn’t relax either. “We’re all scarred in one way or another, Killian. Yours are a bit more on display than the average person but this shows that you are a survivor. I’m beginning to think it might be a bad idea for me to find Milah. She has a lot to answer for.”

“You know, I’ve tried to track her down but I’m afraid I don’t have your abilities at finding those who don’t wish to be found. I thought I had tracked her to Paris a few years ago, there was a new artist there that had her style of sketching but I could never be sure and they disappeared before I could make contact. I still have a file on my desktop with the various artwork I found in the gallery catalogues. I always thought I’d pick up the search again later.”

A little afraid to hear his answer, she nevertheless asked, “Why do you want to find her?”

“At first, I missed her. I wanted to hear her voice. Pathetic, right?” When Emma simply gave him a look that clearly disagreed, he smiled at her. “Hmm, my secretly romantic Swan. You have a tender heart that I adore but don’t worry, I won’t let anyone know.” He looked at her with such fondness that she was tempted to go for round two right then. However, on some level, she knew this conversation was more important than their physical connection.

Unaware of her thoughts, he admitted, “Lately I’ve wanted closure. Not for the relationship. It’s been dead and gone for years. For the case, in order to clear my name. I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not particularly proud of since I arrived here but I would like any doubt removed about this crime.”

“If you don’t mind sharing, perhaps we can find her together,” she offered shyly.

“Emma, everything I have is yours,” Killian told her. With a laugh he added, “Including the gold bars I found in the third treasure hoard I uncovered.” Taking her in his arms, he held her as they laid in the Captain’s Quarters in peaceful silence.

—

The rain that had threatened in the afternoon made good on its promise by the time they arrived back at the cottage with carryout from the pizza place. Fortunately, it was the kind of summer rain that moved through quickly and left the air feeling crisp and clean.

After her third slice of pepperoni, Emma leaned back in the patio chair and sighed. “I’m supposed to meet Graham tonight to search the woods. I guess I should head back to Mary Margaret’s place eventually anyway.”

With a quizzical look, Killian took a sip of his iced tea. “A date with another man and moving out? Have I done something to offend you?”

“Very funny,” she retorted. “I think we’ve gotten things a little out of order but there’s no reason to rush into this.”

“Darling, we have already fallen headfirst into the fast lane. There’s no reason to get scared now. Besides, I happen to know that David and Mary Margaret have reached the toothbrush phase of their relationship. You will be taking your sanity into your own hands if you head back there tonight. David is a loud...sleeper.”

“I don’t even want to know how you know that,” Emma said with a shiver of disgust. “Fine, I guess I’ll have to stay with you for the foreseeable future. If you don’t have any other plans, you can also join me on my date. We’re looking for bodies in the woods.”

With a grimace, Killian studied her profile. “Okay but only if I get to plan our next outing. A man likes some mystery in a relationship but dead bodies are a little overboard.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, Dr. Jones.”

Forewarned about the activities for the evening consisting mainly of traversing hilly, overgrown terrain, Emma did a better job of dressing the part. Outfitted with flashlights from Killian’s emergency kit, she knew if the search lasted beyond the light of the midsummer sun they wouldn’t injure themselves in the dark at least.

Arriving at the Sheriff’s station shortly thereafter, Emma was surprised to find it empty and unlocked. Since another brief summer rain was moving through town, she texted Graham and they decided to wait it out at the station. Twenty minutes later, the rain was over but she still hadn’t heard from the sheriff. “That’s weird. He’s usually better about replying.”

“Text him a lot, do you?”

With a amused shake of her head, she admonished him. “Now is not the time to be jealous, Killian. He’s a friend and, unless I’m mistaken, he’s your friend too.”

“He’s not an enemy,” Killian conceded grudgingly. With a hint of teasing, he said, “But perhaps he is competition.” He moved around the station nonchalantly as if he might find the sheriff under a pile of papers or resting in one of the cells at the back of the open room.

With a deep breath, she walked over to him and linked her arms around his neck. “Not in my eyes. I’m not sure how to convince you that you’ve ruined me for other men.”

“I can think of some persuasive methods that will get your point across.” His roguish eyebrow was cocked in a way that she always found so endearing and sexy. “Why don’t we postpone this search party and you can give it your best shot? I promise to keep an open mind.”

“Keeping an open mind has never been your problem,” she laughed, playfully punching him in the arm. “I have a job to do so stop trying to distract me. We’ll have to go without Graham. We’re losing daylight and I’m running out of time before Henry comes home.”

What she didn’t add was the crossroads his arrival would bring. As much as she had fought against this thing with Killian, now that she was in, she was all in. While the four hour drive to Boston was not an insurmountable distance, she found the idea of being separated distasteful. She knew it was a conversation they needed to have and she wasn’t avoiding it exactly. Her rational mind kept reminding her that they had only met a month ago and people didn’t fall in love and move to different states after a few weeks of knowing someone. Especially single mothers who had children to think about.

Having officially given up on the sheriff, they headed toward the town line. Minutes later, they arrived to find the cruiser already parked on the narrow shoulder, driver side door open and cabin lights on. Jumping out of the truck, Emma exchanged a worried look with Killian and observed, “This looks like trouble.”

He followed her to the cruiser and placed his hand on the front seat. “It’s dry so he probably didn’t get here until after the rain moved through.”

“Graham!” Shouting his name repeatedly probably wasn’t an effective strategy but damn if she could think of anything else to do. Settling in the driver’s seat she found the keys still in the ignition and his walkie on the dashboard. Picking it up, she paged David. Within a minute, he answered, confusion evident in his tone.

“Emma? Why do you have Graham’s walkie?”

“We found his cruiser at the town line. No sign of him. We’re going out to the woods to search but you probably want to get here as quickly as possible. I’ve got a bad feeling about this whole scene.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes. Wait for me.”

True to his word, David’s battered old Ford pick-up pulled behind their truck in record time. Mary Margaret had made the journey with him and as soon as the car was in park, she rushed to Emma’s side. “Still no sign of him?”

“No,” Killian answered with his eyes scanning the thick woods.

“He headed this direction and he was in a hurry,” the brunette observed, her finger pointing toward an invisible trail as if it were obvious. At Emma’s silent question, she explained, “All-State Orienteering champion and the best tracker in town besides Ruby. Knowing your way around the forest is still a skill set that’s valued in Maine.”

“Sure. I mean, why not?” Emma said sarcastically. “Why don’t you lead the way then? We’ve already wasted time waiting around the station.”

Grabbing the flashlight that David handed her, Mary Margaret stepped off the shoulder and moved noiselessly into the woods. She would occasionally murmur an observation regarding a broken twig or boot print in the soft ground. Emma made a point to try to locate whatever signs the other woman noted on their pursuit but was only able to see the tracks occasionally. In no time at all, they had circled back up the hill to come out at the road not even a quarter of a mile from the cruiser. “Great. Back were we started.”

“No,” Mary Margaret disagreed. “Look here.” She squatted down and shined a beam of light on the asphalt.

Sure enough, Emma saw some kind of liquid that had dripped on the road. “What is that? Motor oil?” Reaching down, she lightly pressed her finger in one of the droplets and smeared it against her thumb. Looking at the bright red color, a chill ran through her. “Blood.”

“And tire tracks from an SUV if I had to guess,” David added, his light illuminating the wide tracks partially visible on the wet dirt of the shoulder. “Someone took him.” He immediately started back toward his truck, getting on his radio and calling the other deputy to round up some volunteers and meet them out at the woods.

—

Entering the cottage at four the following morning, Emma dropped on the couch in exhaustion. They hadn’t found any other clues as to the whereabouts of the sheriff or who grabbed him off the deserted road. Had he been followed out to the town line? Is that why he hadn’t responded to her text? Why would he have not reached out to her or David if he thought he was in trouble?

Settling next to her, Killian pushed her hair back behind her ear. “We won’t find him by staying up and worrying. You need to rest.”

“I can’t shake the feeling that this has to do with me.”

“With you? Why do you think so? Didn’t you say he found something in the woods? Something related to a disappearance that happened when you were a baby.”

“I know it’s crazy...”

“I didn’t say that, love. If you think this has something to do with you, I wouldn’t bet against your instincts.” Smiling at her with an expression of full support, he added, “You’ll figure it out. But it doesn’t have to be tonight.”

“He could be out there hurt, Killian, or worse. I think we need to regroup. Go through everything again. I must have missed something. And we’re going to need all hands on deck. The situation is escalating. When are Liam and Elsa supposed to come back?”

“Day after tomorrow.”

“Perhaps you should convince him to come back sooner.”

“That will be a pleasant conversation,” Killian muttered with a roll of his eyes. “Perhaps I’ll call Elsa instead. She’s the more reasonable one.”

“Coward,” she whispered against his lips as she kissed him softly. She would never get tired of this, having him within arm’s reach. His very presence made all her worries melt into the background.

“You have more than enough bravery for the both of us,” he complimented her. “But I’ll do as you ask. After all, he’s the one who brought you into this mess. Not that I’m complaining.”

“See that you don’t. I have ways of dealing with complainers,” she ordered tartly, forcing herself to get lost in this moment with him. As she got up to walk away, his fingers hooked into the pocket of her jeans and tugged her back into his lap.

“Saucy. I like that.”

“Behave, Dr. Jones.”

There weren’t any coherent words spoken as the early morning light started to break over the horizon. He had decided to disobey, misbehaving in the most delightful ways.

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itsamejin · 4 years

Text

trash || taehyung fluff/angst

Part 2

Summary: Taehyung and you are friends with benefits, but you’re having a hard time maintaining this secret relationship when a close friend of yours starts falling in love with him.

Warning: Suggestive themes, mentions of alcohol and casual sex, cursing and crude language/humor

Genre: Fluff, Angst, fwb!au, college!au

Word Count: 6,589 Words

—

Taehyung and you were never one for relationships. You knew it, he knew it, the long list of lovers you two had could attest to that fact the most. You two were notorious for the number of people you slept with, not that it was any of their business anyway.

It wasn’t like you intended to be with him. In fact, your initial impression of him was that of annoyance. Taehyung would flirt with you shamelessly during parties and often referred to you as his “rival”. With the nonstop back and forth between you two, your mutual friends were easily agitated with how you played hard to get. They had to admit, though, it was hilarious seeing Taehyung insist on taking you out on a date, only for you to insist that he should rot in hell.

This went on for a whole year, so it only made sense when the second year of university came around and you had decided to cave in to his boyish charms. It was meant to just be a bit of fun with nothing tying you down to each other. You’d have sex at his place, and his place only, and never speak of it to anyone on campus.

No one knew of your escapades and frankly, it was easier that way. Your friends were sure you hated him and his friends were sure he’d never have a chance. It was the perfect arrangement. They didn’t have to know about the late nights of sneaking into his dorm room, the times he helped you escape from the campus guards at the crack of dawn, or even hiding you in his closet when his friends came over for a surprise visit.

As far as you were concerned, this relationship would stay a secret.

—

You didn’t need to be Einstein to know that Taehyung was hooking up with another girl just as consistently as he was fucking you. It wasn’t a shocking fact, but you had your regulars besides Taehyung too. It was just the way he described her that surprised you.

“She’s like the total package y’know?” he said after a particular night of companionship which led you tangled up in his arms on his couch, naked and panting. “Sucks she has to waste it all on me, but she’s a nice girl. Might have to end it quickly before I catch feelings.”

Taehyung caught feelings way more often than you did. It was easy for him to get attached to girls, unlike you. Most of the men you slept with were ready to leave by the next day so liking someone you hooked up with was rare. Taehyung must’ve really taken a liking to this girl with the way he was stroking your hair, as if in deep thought over his own words.

You’ve never met her, but you knew she had to be pretty. Every girl Taehyung had his eyes set on was beautiful, yet you knew he played favorites. After almost every night you spent at his place, he’d reveal that you were his favorite girl, and while you didn’t really take that as a compliment, you’d always reply that he was your favorite too. The two of you sprawled out on his couch sipping the whiskey you poured before he fucked you, it was almost like trash acknowledging trash.

“But I don't think anyone could replace you,” he muttered into your hair, taking one long gulp of his drink.

You shook your head.

“I can name four other guys that I could hit up instead of you,” you teased, not really believing your own words.

Taehyung looked at you seriously and set his glass down. You did too.

“You sure about that?” he asked lowly, caressing your bare calf with his fingertips. You giggled at the sensation.

“I don’t know,” you said playfully. “Why don’t you show me why you’re my favorite, Tae?”

He gave a small scoff and practically pounced on you, pushing you down onto the couch without a moment of hesitation.

—

Now him fucking another person wouldn’t have normally been a problem since Taehyung’s women came and went like the wind most of the time. There were instances where he’d claim that he found “the one” and then text you just minutes later asking for you to come over. The thing was, though, the girl he was messing around with- who he talked so highly about- just happened to be your roommate, Hana. Cute and innocent Hana who would never hurt a fly.

Taehyung didn’t know this fact since you’ve never invited him over, but it was a downright horrifying experience when you had caught him making out with her on Hana’s bed. You had made things worse unknowingly, by also bringing over a boy from the club you were partying at earlier.

“What the fuck am I looking at right now?” you shuddered, attempting to cover your eyes from their frazzled state. You did not want your image of Hana to be tainted by someone like Taehyung.

“Oh my gosh, I thought you were sleeping over someone else’s!” Hana screeched, covering Taehyung’s body with her blanket. Of course, he had to be shirtless.

“I thought you were visiting family!” you shouted frantically.

The tension in that room was suffocating and you couldn’t shake the fact that Taehyung was the one who made it more awkward. He had pulled away from Hana pretty quickly, but he glared so viciously at the boy you were holding hands with just earlier. His death stare was evident to everyone in the room.

“Yeah, I think I should go,” your date said, not quite remembering his name. Whoever he was left hastily and you were left to stare at two deer in headlights.

“[Y/N], this is Taehyung,” Hana said, flustered. “I think you guys already know each other, though.”

You tried to suppress your laughter at the way Taehyung’s face changed so easily when the guy you were trying to hook up with had left. Now he just wore a smug look on his face. You didn’t really know where that came from, though.

“Yeah, but we’re not in really good terms,” you lied, trying to hide your own embarrassment. "In fact, I’m sick to the stomach just looking at him.”

Taehyung grinned, knowing that you were just trying to not come off suspicious.

“Well maybe another time, huh Han Han?” he said, nuzzling into her neck but keeping his eyes on you. You rolled your eyes at the nickname and his obvious glances. Taehyung never stopped being a dick, even in these situations.

Hana only nodded and stood up, helping Taehyung put on his shirt and jacket. He also had to... zip his pants back up. Taehyung had winked to you on his way out, which went noticed by Hana who glared at him slightly. She softened the glare when she saw that you had no reaction to his lame attempts to flirt. You were far too used to Taehyung’s stupidity to really be fazed.

“Nice to see you too [Y/N],” he said huskily before exiting the dorm. He for sure was going to get caught by the campus guards downstairs and you’d look forward to hearing him complain about it the next time you see him. You laughed as soon as he left, wiping a stray tear from your eye. Taehyung had really dug himself into deep shit this time.

“Taehyung? Really, Hana? When you can do so much better?” you cackled. “I am so disappointed in you.”

It was true after all. Hana was the typical good girl type and came to college with the sole intent of studying and getting her diploma as quickly as possible. You admired her for that. She was a motivated student with clear goals in her life, while you were more of the “enjoy life in the moment” type.

It definitely came as a shock that Hana was able to fall for Taehyung like so many other girls had; it was obvious in the way she blushed. You cooed at how cutely she was reacting. You’ve never seen her so flustered like this with anyone else. It kind of made your heart clench, though, and not it a good way.

“[Y/N]~~,” she whined, pouting lightly. “I’m so stupid. He asked me for my chem notes and instead I gave him my first kiss. I’m such an idiot.”

You laughed even louder, falling to the floor. Classic Taehyung move, he never changes. You could list ten other girls he used the same tactics with.

“Hana, it’s okay I’m not judging you,” you said, grabbing a nearby chair to bring yourself back up once again after a few more giggles escaped your lips. “Actually I am, but don’t worry too much about what I think.”

You patted her head as you walked past her, collapsing onto your bed. You were extremely drunk before you came into the room and you needed that laughing session to finally start sobering up. The guy you were about to bring in wasn’t even that cute anyway, you sighed.

“You know walking into that mess actually kind of saved me,” you said, languidly. “The guy I was about to fuck didn’t have a big dick.”

Hana gasped at your word choice and slapped your thigh.

“[Y/N], you’re so crude!”

You smirked at her innocence. It wasn’t like you’d actually seen it, you just felt it earlier in the club while you were dancing. Nothing to write home about.

“You were literally sucking faces with the Kim Taehyung just seconds ago,” you yawned. “I will not accept any form of criticism from you.”

She chuckled lightly and played with her fingers. Sure, maybe you were being a hypocrite for teasing her especially when you and Taehyung were fuck buddies, but you already knew your standards were low. It was almost expected of you to get together with him eventually.

You never thought Hana would be into a guy like Taehyung, but then again, it was the classic bad boy and good girl story. Some part of you was envious, but you couldn’t help but want to cheer her on. They felt like the main characters of some romantic drama you’d binge-watch, only to be pissed off when the second leads (who were much hotter) would be forgotten in the script. You shook your head in disappointment. Hana deserved so much better than Taehyung.

“You know he’s fucking other girls right?” you said, sitting up and looking at her seriously. “He’s a bad person, Hana.”

She pouted but nodded slowly. Something tells you that she doesn’t mind.

“Yeah, I know,” she said sadly. “It seems like all my friends have been with him at least once, but I can’t help but feel like I’m special? I don’t know. Sometimes he doesn’t even ask for homework when we meet up... We just talk, y’know? He’s so good with his words, [Y/N]...”

Hana took a seat next to you and winced at the smell of alcohol that radiated off of you. You couldn’t help but feel bad for Hana. She was falling for the oldest tricks in the book because she was so naive. You didn’t want to have to see her get hurt by a guy that was passing college from copying other people’s homework.

“Hana, I’m gonna tell you this in the nicest way possible,” you said, facing her but making sure your nasty breath didn’t make its way towards her. “No girl is special to Taehyung. He does things like that to get in your head and make you want more. He’ll throw you away when he gets what he wants from you.”

“But-”

She tried to speak yet you cut her off. You didn’t really know what motivated you to speak so badly of Taehyung, but you did so anyways.

“He’s exactly like me, Hana,” you continued on. “We’re both fucked in the head when it comes to romance, love, and all that shit. And do you remember how I described myself when we first met?”

Hana sighed, obviously not wanting to repeat the derogatory words you’d said about yourself so long ago.

“Trash,” she muttered silently, looking at the floor. She felt guilty just for saying it.

You smiled and ruffled her hair. She only furrowed her eyebrows in response.

“Just be careful, okay?”

“It’s just Taehyung,” Hana chuckled. “How much damage could he do?”

—

Hana didn’t seem like she wanted to take your advice because you caught Taehyung and her everywhere on campus almost everyday. You saw her tutoring him in the library, walking to class with each other, and even sharing an ice cream cone! Just how badly did Taehyung need to pass Bio-Chemistry this quarter?

You felt mean thinking such things but you couldn’t help but be doubtful of Taehyung, especially when he was still meeting up with you every weekend in his dorm. You’d have thought they were dating if you didn’t know any better, but there you were, in his bed naked for the second time that week. Sometimes you wondered what was going on in that stupid, beautiful head of his.

“Are you sure you should still be seeing me?” you asked him, head buried in his chest. You could hear his heartbeat so clearly on nights like this.

“You caught feelings or what?” he teased, taking a stray eyelash out of your cheek. “That would be a big problem wouldn’t it, [Y/N]?”

You rolled your eyes and turned around to face the wall.

“I’d be caught dead before that happens,” you whispered, snuggling into his arm underneath your head. Taehyung traced circles on your waist, mesmerized on how wonderful your skin felt against his.

“Why should we stop?” he asked, tilting your head towards him to meet his eyes.

“Hana,” you replied back curtly. There was no malice in your voice. You just stated her name as if it was a fact. Taehyung only sighed in response.

“Means nothing,” he muttered, nuzzling into your hair. “You’re still my favorite.”

You clicked your tongue at his harsh words, but you couldn’t help but feel relieved. Maybe there was a chance that you two could still have this... relationship without adding any more complications. Deep down, you were proud that he still considered you his favorite, even if it might not have meant anything to him.

“Just go to sleep, jackass,” you whispered, dozing off at the sound of his steady breathing. You felt safe in his arms.

Taehyung wanted, so desperately, for you to notice that he had said that while sober. It was meant to be a confession, no matter how vague it might have been.

Before he could talk any further, though, you were already sleeping soundly against him. He’d have to save it for another day, Taehyung thought. He leaned down and kissed your eyelid, which fluttered a bit at the contact. Taehyung chuckled.

“What did I do to deserve you?” he whispered, wishing you could hear him.

—

You entered the campus restroom, fully intent on just touching up your makeup, but a cramping sensation in your gut had you rushing into one of the stalls to relieve yourself of the pain.

As you were about to flush, you heard the clacking of stilettos outside of the stall and you could recognize that noise from anywhere. They were girls in your marketing class, the ones who were in the brink of failing but managed to seduce the TA last minute to get passing marks. You respected them, honestly. If only they didn’t hate your guts.

“I heard [Y/N] and Tae are seeing each other,” the girl with red heels said. You winced at the nickname she gave him. She got dumped by Taehyung a year ago and couldn’t keep her nose out of his business since then.

“No fucking way,” the black heels responded, clearly applying lipstick as her words were somewhat distorted. “That’s like an STD waiting to happen.”

The two of them had started to cackle and you had to admit, that was a pretty good joke. How they found out was unknown to you. Taehyung must have let it slip or something. You’d make sure to give a talking to him later about it.

“No, but get this,” red heels started, “You know that small girl, Hana?”

Black heels girl nodded, you recognized the motion through the sound of her dangling earrings.

“Taehyung managed to get in her pants too and they’re like, kinda serious. Like, about to date serious.”

Black heels gasped over-dramatically and dropped her lipstick into the sink. She picked it up but was still very much shocked.

“But isn’t [Y/N] and her like, super close?” she asked. “Does Hana even know?”

The girl with red stilettos clicked her tongue thrice as if disapproving what her friend was saying.

“You know [Y/N],” she said with a sigh. “You think she cares?”

Her words stung more than you thought. Did people really think of you that lowly? Did they really think you’d betray your friend like that?

But then again, weren’t you betraying Hana? She liked Taehyung so much and here you were, banging him every weekend with very little consideration towards her feelings. You clenched your thigh with your fingers until you were sure it would leave a bruise. Should you have told her that Taehyung and you were fucking behind her back?

“Well, it’s none of my business anyway,” red shoes continued. “Those two will get what’s coming to them.”

Even as the two left the restroom, you contemplated on their words further, wondering if they were right about you. Somehow your heart felt heavy at the thought of it all. Were you a bad person?

—

You couldn’t shake off the guilt that tugged at your heartstrings every time you saw Hana get ready for a date with Taehyung. You wanted to seem interested everytime she asked for your opinion on her clothes, but you just couldn’t get those words out of your mind. Would those girls tell Hana if they got the chance?

The emotional torment hit the hardest when you sat on Taehyung’s floor, him playing with your fingers as you rested your head on his shoulder. You had both ventured off to the weird parts of Youtube, watching couples explain why they broke up with each other on his phone. It left a sour taste in your mouth.

“Could you imagine being that hungry for attention that you’d broadcast something like this to millions of people?” he chuckled. “Like just break up behind the scenes, no one cares enough about your love life to want a 40-minute video on it.”

You weren’t really paying attention to what he was saying, but was more focused on the several notifications that popped up on the screen from all of Taehyung’s other hookups. You recognized their names easily. Yumi, Jiseo, Sarang, etc. Even your phone didn’t quite blow up with messages like him.

“I feel bad for people in relationships,” you replied eventually. “Like why would you willingly put yourself through that torture?”

You expected him to laugh like usual, but he stiffened.

“Is being in a relationship that repulsive to you?” he asked genuinely.

You nodded in response.

“Fuck relationships,” you said curtly, watching the girl on the screen start breaking down into tears. Taehyung only shrugged.

“I don’t know. I’d like to be in a long-term relationship eventually, even if it hurts in the end.”

You nodded in understanding, but you didn’t quite have the same philosophy.

“Monogamy is weird to me,” you said half-joking. “Maybe when I’m 60 and the possibility of having kids is out of the question.”

Taehyung laughed this time, dropping his phone on his lap on accident. He turned towards you and kissed the top of your head.

“Well, you’d still be hot by then,” he teased. You punched him lightly on the thigh.

You two sat there, enjoying each other’s company silently when another notification rang from his phone. He picked it up, and to your surprise, he answered almost immediately. Taehyung shut his phone off, but before he did, you caught sight of the Caller ID.

Hana.

You wanted to ask what she sent him, but you didn’t feel like it was your place. Instead, you looked up into his eyes and kissed him deeply. You didn’t know what led you to kiss him, if it was the jealousy or your insecurities, but you couldn’t bother to pinpoint the reason as his hand traveled underneath your shirt. He gently grasped your waist and laid you down softly. There was a bed right next to you two, yet you chose to stay on the floor. As his hand traveled lower and lower, you couldn’t help but get lost in the enigma that was Kim Taehyung.

—

You rolled around your bed, trying to find a comfortable position to fall asleep in, but nothing felt right. Hana was at her desk, doing God knows what at 2 a.m. in the morning, and kept the lights on.

“Can you turn off the lights, Hana?” you whined lethargically. “I can’t sleep.”

Hana nodded back in response, but you couldn’t see her.

“Yeah, let me just finish this up.”

You sighed and attempted to cover your head with a pillow. You just wanted to dream for goodness sake. You heard her smack something on the desk and she stood up rapidly. You sat up to see what was going on and was met with Hana’s elated expression.

“It’s done!”

She held up her little project to you and you squinted to get a better look. It was a small poster-board with big red lettering. It said, “Kim Taehyung, will you be my boyfriend?”

You wanted to cringe at the sight of the bright words. It felt very high school but it was very Hana of her. Your guilty conscience ate you up once again at the sight of her sparkling face. You didn’t have the heart to tell her your real thoughts.

“I know you probably think this is childish,” she muttered, blushing. “But Tae said he never got asked out with a poster back in high school so I thought it was a cute idea! I should stand out from the other girls with this, right?”

The way she asked so innocently made you want to cry right then. She had looked so excited, so full of life and love to give Taehyung something that seemed meaningless to you. She even called him ‘Tae’ in that soft voice of hers. You used to go on and on about how Taehyung didn’t deserve Hana, but you were starting to think you were the one that didn’t deserve him. You’d never even think to have come up with something like that or anything romantic for that matter.

“Is it too cheesy?” Hana asked shyly, looking for some comforting words. She was starting to feel nervous with how silent you were being.

You could only give her a brief smile and a nod. It was her first relationship after all, there was no need to discourage her.

“It’s the right amount of cheesy for a guy like Taehyung,” you replied halfheartedly, which went undetected by Hana.

She looked relieved as she set it back down on her table.

“Thank God. I just hope he says yes,” she said, finally closing the lights.

More than ever, you felt awake. Your eyes had adjusted to the darkness, but your heart rate did not slow down at all. It felt like you needed to take a sprint outside to get this feeling of apprehension out of your system. Your palms clammed up and your throat felt constricted.

You couldn’t do this to her anymore, you couldn’t watch a girl so clearly in love with Taehyung be brushed aside for someone like you, whose feelings weren’t even clear to begin with. You heaved out a deep sigh as you collapsed your head back on to the pillow. Desperately, you were searching for a way out of the situation you dug yourself in.

You’ve definitely regretted sleeping with some men in the past, you just didn’t think Taehyung would be one of them.

—

It should’ve been way easier breaking things off with him, but Taehyung purposely made it difficult. Each time you’d bring up Hana’s name in conversation, he’d shut your mouth with his lips. He started to initiate sex more frequently and it felt like he wasn’t even trying to hide you as a lover from his friends anymore. You had confronted him about red heels girl knowing about your secret relationship and only shrugged in response.

“She asked me why I haven’t been texting her so I just told her I was always with you,” he replied back nonchalantly. Needless to say, you did not sleep with him that night.

Nothing seemed like it was going according to plan and your feelings only got more confusing as the days passed. Taehyung had started buying you meals whenever you came over and even set a blurry photo of you as his lock-screen. What was up with him really?

Hana had still yet to confess her feelings, so you were glad that you had some time until you could cleanly cut yourself out of Taehyung’s life.

Today would be the day, you insisted, but the way he stared down at your lying figure, biting his lip, your mind went blank from any thoughts. You couldn’t even form coherent words as he buries his face onto your chest; he was just too good at this for your own sanity.

“C’mon you can’t be done already, huh?” Taehyung softly whispered into your ear, playing with the ends of your hair as you recollected yourself from another round. You groaned.

“Tae really. We need to talk,” you tried to sound serious and ultimately failing as he planted soft kisses on your neck and collarbone.

“What’s up with that?” he teased. “You sound like a concerned girlfriend.”

You rolled your eyes at him. He always made weird jokes like that. He’d say questioning shit like ‘girlfriend’, ‘wife’, and ‘honey’ so often that you had tuned it out after a while. The words somewhat held more meaning now, though, since you were planning to end your friends with benefits relationship that day.

“Well, actually I am concerned about something,” you said, pushing him off of your body to lay next to you instead. You sat up straight. He propped his head under his hand and looked up at you intently. You swore you saw stars in his eyes. God, how did he manage to still look so irresistible?

“What’s up with you and Hana?” you asked, directly making eye contact with him. His face had turned sour quite quickly but then changed to that of satisfaction. He adjusted his position a bit so that he was closer to you.

“Why? You jealous?”

You scoffed.

“No, dumbass,” you said, punching his shoulder lightly. “I’m worried about her. Not you. You’re like, her first love.”

He left out a soft sigh and rubbed one of his eyebrows with the back of his palm. Taehyung always did that when he was put under stressful situations.

“Okay and?”

You rolled your eyes. Truly, he was trash.

“Do you not remember your first love, jackass?” you said, searching for your bra at the side of his bed while still maintaining eye contact. “She deserves way more than what you’re giving her right now.”

Taehyung shook his head and pulled you towards him, stopping your search for your underwear. Your back was against his chest and his lips directly on your neck. You felt his breathing on the enclave of your shoulder.

“So who’s the unlucky girl that deserves me then?” he whispered onto your skin.

You shuttered, feeling slightly ticklish. You couldn’t believe he was flirting with you even in a situation like this. If it was any other night, you’d have swooned and let him take you once again, but it was nearing 4 a.m. and the guilt was engraved deeply in the back of your mind. You did the one thing that could separate him from you momentarily and elbowed his stomach, sitting up again.

“It’s not me either, dick,” you chuckled at the way he clenched his core in pain. “If you want to keep seeing her, I need to cut ties with you. I might have done some messed up shit behind people’s backs in the past, but she’s a good friend. I can’t keep hurting Hana like this without her even knowing it.”

Well, it was easier getting those words out of your mouth than expected.

You didn’t bother to look at Taehyung’s face as you stood up from the bed, finally finding your bra on the other side of the room. You’d definitely miss Taehyung’s king-sized mattress and the expensive ass wine you’d drink together, but it had to be done. For the first time in your life, you were walking away from a situation that could get you into trouble.

You could feel his eyes on you as you searched for the rest of your clothes, managing to get fully dressed in a matter of minutes. He had put on his boxers and sat on the edge of his bed, eyeing your every move.

“Hey, I know you might miss me,” you teased, pinching his cheek lightly. “But, I don’t want to get caught up in any more drama, alright? Hana’s a good girl, maybe you could finally settle down-”

He cut you off, grabbing your wrist and pulling your face towards him. Maybe your heart had skipped a beat for a second there, but that giddy feeling was soon replaced with annoyance at his next words.

“And you? Are you gonna settle down?” he asked with a growl that he only ever brought out on... rough nights. You couldn’t help but laugh at how seriously he was taking this. Maybe he wasn’t lying when he said that you were his favorite fuck buddy.

“Unlike you, I haven’t met a Hana to tie me down just quite yet,” you said, releasing yourself from his grip. “No Prince Charming has ever swept me off my feet.”

You said it with a wink, but those words didn’t sit well with Taehyung. Who exactly was he to you?

“I’ll just stop meeting Hana then,” Taehyung shrugged. “We don’t need to end what we have going on just because of another girl. I could cut her off easily.”

You stared at him for a bit as you combed through your hair and then busted out in laughter. Taehyung furrowed his eyebrows at your reaction.

“Tae, no offense, but you actually can’t do better than Hana,” you shook your head, still laughing at his words. “Do you know how hard it is to come by a girl like her? Like, she’s so good for you. Hana could actually change you, you know that?”

It seemed pathetic that you were hyping up Hana so much and you could tell Taehyung was starting to get annoyed by it to, but you couldn’t help it. Hana was really better than you in so many aspects. Who were you to try and monopolize Taehyung all to yourself? Who were you to discourage her from pursuing a relationship with him? The right thing to do was to give her a fair shot with her first love.

You walked towards the pair of heels you had left near the bedroom door and slipped them on carefully.

“I could change for you too, [Y/N],” he murmured softly. “If you just ask, I would.”

You blinked at his words but continued to put on your heels. Was he drunk? You just came over after some light studying, you were sure he wasn’t intoxicated. No matter how hard you tried to ignore the rapid beating of your heart, you couldn’t get rid of the guilt that sat in the back of your throat.

“Tae, you and I both know we can’t change each other,” you said finally managing to get your heels on after grabbing the wall. “We’ve been doing this for months and we still manage to find time to fuck other people when we have the chance. Does that sound healthy to you?”

You tried to ease the tension of the conversation, but Taehyung was making it extremely difficult to switch the atmosphere into something more positive. He was angry with you, you could tell by the way he clenched his fists together and looked down at his feet. What did you even do to elicit a reaction this severe?

“Tae? What’s wrong?”

All he did was shake his head in response, not looking into your eyes. You sat next to him, putting a comforting hand onto his lap.

“Tell me. I’m all ears,” you said soothingly.

He heaved in a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Would you hate me if I said that I’d stop fucking other people if I just had you?” he asked slowly, trying to gauge your reaction without directly making eye contact. You were still for a second and finally, some things had started to click in your head. Your palms started sweating.

Finally understanding his words, you pulled your hand away from Taehyung’s lap and scoot a bit farther away from him.

“Tae, I wouldn’t be able to do the same for you,” you said straightforwardly. It was best to be honest in situations like this.

He shook his head and finally lifted his eyes, but he looked in front of him instead of at you.

“And what if I told you I was okay with that?” he gulped.

You sat their stunned, not really knowing what to say in response. Truthfully, you were frightened about the implications of his words. What would this mean for you two? For this no strings attached relationship? It all just felt too overwhelming at that moment.

You stood up, grabbing your purse from the floor, and was about to head to the door until he stopped you by the wrist again. He dragged you back to stand in front of the bed where he sat.

“I don’t want Hana, [Y/N],” he said, tears forming in his eyes. “I want you. Only you."

Your heart raced at his words and turned around to face him. As you stood there, staring down at him, you realized how weak he really seemed at that moment. It hurt you to see him like this, but then again, you should have expected this reaction. He had gotten clingier with you the past few weeks and you were an idiot for not realizing earlier.

Sometimes it was obvious that Taehyung was the more sensitive one out of the two of you, that he was a bit more skeptical of his lifestyle choices. There were times when you’d seen him genuinely heartbroken after getting slapped by girls he’d broken things off with and how he’d send apology texts to the ones he hurt the most. You weren’t like that- more of the type to ghost, the type to block. You couldn’t make an exception for Taehyung, not when Hana was at the dorm preparing her confession of love to him any day now.

“Please stay,” Taehyung croaked, burrying his head onto your long sleeve.

“I can’t Tae,” you said, softly pushing his hand away. “You know I’m not that kind of person.”

Taehyung had started tearing up, his lips forming a scowl. It was the first time you’d ever seen him show such sorrowful emotions. You smiled sadly at him. It felt like you were murdering someone with the way the guilt had completely overtaken your whole body. Staying with him would break Hana’s heart, but leaving him would break Taehyung’s.

In the end, you lose either way.

You grabbed a handkerchief from your purse and dabbed the tears away from his eyes.

“I can’t hurt Hana anymore,” you replied. “And I don’t want to hurt you anymore either. I’m sorry.”

He had started to sob and you handed the piece of cloth to him so he could wipe the tears off himself. You prayed that you wouldn’t regret letting him go, but knowing you, you probably would.

“It was fun being with you,” you said, carefully, not wanting to push any more buttons. “And maybe if I was a different person we could be something more, but...”

You couldn’t really find the energy to finish your sentence as you watched him cry into the handkerchief. Your heart was hurting so, so much. You wanted to take him into your arms, tell him that none of it was his fault and that you’d do anything just to see his twinkly eyes and bright smile once again. But you were reminded once again of that beautiful expression Hana had when she finished her poster-board for Taehyung, how they looked cruising through campus on their bikes with matching helmets. They’d make a great couple, you thought to yourself. Hana had the emotional availability that Taehyung craved for. This was the right thing to do, you thought.

“Let’s stop seeing each other,” you said with a conviction that only a person who was used to saying those words could muster confidently.

He looked up at you with disdain, scrunching his face in pain. He had never had his heart torn quite like this before. Taehyung wondered then if this was how all the other girls felt when he’d leave them. He realized, at that moment, that he might have deserved having his heart broken.

“Please stay,” he said again, his words distorted from the crying.

You shook your head and turned the door knob.

“I can’t,” you replied, tears threatening to spill over as you exited the room.

—

You left his dorm at 4 a.m., successfully evading campus security once again. When you walked towards your own dorm building, you couldn’t help but cry your eyes out. No other break up with the guys in your past had hurt quite like this one, even if you two were just fuck buddies. You didn’t even care about the worried glances people gave you as you passed by, you just wanted to drown in in your sorrows.

You opened the door to your room and Hana was there, reading a book. You composed yourself rather quickly, wiping away your tears before she could notice. Your cheeks were still noticeably puffy, though.

“Where were you?” she asked, taking her eyes off the page she was on to look at the wall clock in the room. “It’s so late, dummy. I stayed up to make sure you were okay since you weren’t answering my calls.”

You gave a fake chuckle.

“You know me,” you teased lightly, with a smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes. “Another weekend means a new guy.”

She groaned in response.

“I literally can’t wait until you settle down and be all whipped for someone,” she sighed, turning a page on her book. “That way I can actually make fun of you.”

You choked back a cry and took off your heels, collapsing onto your bed.

“I doubt that’ll happen,” you whispered, before drifting off into sleep.

When had it become so easy for you to lie?

—

A/N: This was so much fun to write!! I really wanted a realistic depiction of a friends with benefits au so I hope this turned out okay. Let me know if yall want a part two!! I wanted to ask this question to you guys: is [Y/N] a bad person? The [Y/N] in this reminds me a lot of myself so hopefully yall dont dislike her too much LMAO Any suggestions for upcoming stories are welcome. Please let me know how you feel about this, I feed off of compliments and criticisms <3 Much love

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dragonrajafanfiction · 3 years

Text

Yamata-No-Orochi: (Part 4) Erii

ITT: The Mic Drop Heard Round the World.

The sun woke you. Bright light shone through the windows, forming a halo around the curtains and projecting the shape of raindrops from the window onto the carpet. Mingfei had left shortly before you fell asleep of exhaustion and grief.

You’d fought hard and rebelled against the world, but this last rebellion had taken you too far. Z raised, saved, and safeguarded you. But you refused to play his love game, and that was all it took to discard you. Caesar had been at your side, encouraging you to live all this time. But now that the clouds had gathered, and the darkness of the world surrounded you, he realized that, like Chance, life was not in the cards for you. And Chu Zihang? Well, he always was a sword at your throat.

Once again the world was laughing, mocking you with its silent game of keep away. Love? Syke! Happiness? Syke! Companionship? Syke!

You hated this world. Mingfei went to Erii’s room with the Desert Eagle. What was stopping you from planting your mind in the ground and tilting Tokyo into a rift in the Earth, like it was the undersea Takamagahara? To watch its towers topple, and its buildings burn would be a fitting end to a Godzilla movie.

The hotel phone rang, insanely loud. You reached over and picked it up. “Pizza Hut,” you mumble.

Lu Mingfei stammered for a moment. Then he laughed. “Hey. You, me, Erii road trip. Right now. I left some clothes for you.”

His voice over the phone, it sounded like Z’s. You are silent, mind completely inert, spirit aching. “Sure whatever.” You hang up.

You shower and pull a comb through your hair three times, leaving it to fall over your shoulders. You don't bother with jewelry or make up. He left you a pair of skin tight jeans and a shirt that said Wild Thing across the front. White ankle socks and blue low rise canvas sneakers go over your feet.

The phone rings again. Mingfei sounded breathless. “Come now! We have to go!”

You hang up the phone and dash outside. Mingfei is waiting for you in a cherry red porsche. Erii waves with bright enthusiasm from the passenger side as he gets out and folds the seat down so you can get in the back. “Erii this is my friend, MC, She’s sick like you.”

You startle. Mingfei just went out and said it. You hold out your hand and she takes it, examining your fingers with her dark red eyes. You were lighter skinned, but this girl was near transparent. She scribbled on a notepad. “Nice to meet you. You are very pretty.”

“Guys buckle up!”

Your seatbelt had just clicked when Mingfei down shifted and floored it. The engine let out a mighty growl and the car took off like a rocket down the street. But Mingfei was relaxed, with an impish, ‘catch me if you can’ sort of look. Something in your chest stirred awake.

Erii held up her notebook. “Sakura is the best, right?”

Her smile was so sly, not something you expected to see. “Oh yeah, he's awesome!”

Her nod was sassy, like, Damn Straight.

You look at him again. He was smiling like he was angry. He was acting recklessly. The buildings were a blur outside the windows. The car rumbled like a beast underneath you as the accelerator didn't let up. You weave through traffic like lightning and soon the police are tailing you with flashing lights.

If you thought you were going fast before you were mistaken. The car dug deeper, and it felt like you floated over the road. The police car faded into the distance, unable to keep up.

He pulls into a service station and pays the attendant way too much cash. “Where are we going?” You ask.

“It's a surprise!”

“Does MC like gum?” Erii held out a piece and you helped yourself.

You lean forward. Erii was covered head to toe in clothing, despite the good weather.

“MC said that Erii is not stupid, that Erii is smart. MC was right, you knew a lot about yourself. But MC was sad so I wanted to take her too.” Lu Mingfei was saying. “Because she cares for Erii and understands her.”

Erii looks at you for a moment. Then she wrote in her notepad, “Cheer up. Sakura is very lucky. Thank you for caring about me.”

Her expression was so earnest and happy. Did she really understand herself? You hold out your hands for the notebook and pen. You write, “I'm too sick so my friends are scared of me.”

She takes one look at the notepad and her eyes widen. She snatches it back and writes, “Erii is not scared, Erii will be your friend.”

“Please be my friend.” You say softly.

Erii reaches out and seizes your arm. Her face is serious and she nods. When you stop at the supermarket, she drags you along, purchasing snacks and a gigantic stuffed teddy bear. Erii was not interested in herself. She wanted to cheer you up! She understood beyond words the lifelong loneliness, the constant rejection, and growing up in a world that feared you. She forcefully shoves the teddy bear into your hands. And pulls you along. It's so big you can't see around it.

Her image blurs with that of Renata. If Renata had a chance to grow up, she would be this bold.

The bear is so tall it folds against the low ceiling of the porsche. You squeeze in next to it.

“MC is from Siberia. Where she is from, the sun doesn't set in Summer. And in Winter, it doesn't rise and lights dance in the sky.” Mingfei says as you take off again.

Erii swivels in a full body, “What?!” expression and you laugh. “It is true. It's exactly like that.”

“That is AWESOME!” She turns the notepad to you and then writes, “I want to visit your home!”

You recall your promise to Caesar to go dog sledding and feel a pang of regret. But your mind has already replaced Caesar on the dogsled and put Erii there. “Let’s go dogsledding!”

She looks confused.

“Here give me your notebook.” You draw a sketch of a dog sled pulled by a team of panting dogs.

If Erii’s eyes got any bigger they would fill her face. She wrote, “IS THERE SANTA IS HE THERE”

“I… no Santas not there, but we can pretend to be Santa.”

“MC is awesome!”

Before dusk, Lu Mingfei and you two ladies arrived in the town at the southwest end of Shikoku, which is more than four hundred kilometers from Tokyo. The Porsche sports car ran for a full four hours. The whole time Erii peppered you with questions about life in Siberia while Mingfei drove. She had the impression of a magical frostland full of sky and sea. Her sparkling impression was free of brutal reality. For four hours you spoke only of the beauty and wonder of the north. Erii’s notebook is filled with sketches of white quail, snow geese, cute arctic foxes, bears, seals, and whales.

The open-air parking lot was empty. Lu Mingfei found a parking space to park the car, and opened the door to hear the tide. You could not see the sea. A large hill stood between you and the ocean. The waves sounded like reverberating between the sky and the earth.

"The sea?" Erii wrote to Lu Mingfei, with excitement in her eyes.

Lu Mingfei nodded his head as an answer.

Ah the ocean… maybe four hours ago you might have been upset to meet up with the water. Now you just laugh.

Erii looks at you curiously.

“Did you know I got to ride dolphins?”

Erii practically staggers.

“If you're lost in the ocean, sometimes dolphins will rescue you.” You hook her arm in yours. “They're big and strong and won't let you drown.”

“MC knows so much.”

“Erii knows a lot about Erii’s world. I know a lot about mine.”

Erii nods and smiles.

Lu Mingfei pulled out the compass, opened the long-prepared map, and took you to the town not far away. The sign in front of the town reads Umezuji-cho. At this time of the year, the streets of Tokyo must be bustling with people, but in this small seaside town, there are no people on the streets, only a group of elementary school students in school uniforms passing by.

Mingfei seemed to be in a rush, but Erii dallied with you, asking questions and marveling at the tofu shop, or the batik store. More than once, Mingfei had to come back and usher you forward. He clearly had some sort of plan in mind.

You find out that he hurried was so you could catch the last mountain tram, which was built next to the town's shrine and had a 45-degree angle track that made a staccato sound as you climbed.

On both sides of the track there are dense trees. These trees cover the track like thick clouds, and it is as if you are walking through a tunnel of ever-changing colors, a tunnel made purely of foliage and flowers.

Both you and Erii are stunned with wonder. You did not have such dense forests like this growing up. The air is full of birdsong and frogs and early season cicadas. You feel someone take your hand. Erii points to your face. A bright tear shone there like a pearl. You didn't know you had shed it.

"Sakura is not Japanese, right? How do you know such a beautiful place?" Erii wrote in her little notebook.

"I saw a drama made in Japan. This is a very famous scene from that drama. I saw that drama a long time ago."

"What was the name of that TV series?"

"Tokyo Love Story." Lu Mingfei wrote one stroke at a time.

"I liked that Japanese drama so much that I searched the Internet for all kinds of information about Ehime Prefecture, and finally learned that the ending scene was filmed in Umezuji Town, and that the school and the separate stations in the drama were real. I had always dreamed of traveling to Umetsuji-cho and had done a lot of homework.”

You and Mingfei did not really know each other. You did not think he was this level of a romantic so you didn’t understand why Caesar would want to pair you two. Now it made a lot more sense.

Lu Mingfei took out a handkerchief and blindfolded Erii: "You will see a beautiful view when you untie the handkerchief later."

When he handed one to you, your jaw drops. “I can’t believe you.”

He doesn’t say anything, just ties your eyes. You feel his hand close around yours. You can’t see Erii’s expression. “Erii, I’m so excited. This is fantastic!”

You’re smiling, you can’t stop. The memories of the events of the days before roared like angry hordes of monsters in your mind, but Mingfei and Erii have shut the gates on them. His warm hand in yours, the rhythm of the sun's rays between the trees, the crunch of your footfalls on the trail, the constant sound of birds. It was all so soothing.

You walk the decades old mountain mining path, a road with uneven stone patchwork. At the end of the road is a long closed mine. In order to commemorate the mine that raised the town, the residents of Umezuji Town donated money to build a wooden temple-style building over the entrance and exit of the mine. Each rafter is hung with carp flags for prayers, and various porcelain dolls are placed under the eaves. This is a local custom. If the town's family gave birth to a boy, they would come here to hang a carp flag, and if it is a girl will put a porcelain doll.

“It's exactly the same as the Internet says." Lu Mingfei said.

The tracks of the mine car had long been rusted, and weeds grew among the sleepers. You followed the track to the edge of the cliff, and Lu Mingfei helped you to climb a rock that protruded from the cliff.

He pressed his hands on you and Erii’s shoulders and said, "Now you can take off the blindfold."

You untied your handkerchief.

The sunset blooms full in your vision. The huge sun disc had touched the sea. Ten of millions of tons of seawater slowly swirled beneath your feet. The tide broke into white splashes under the black cliffs. The wind blew endless hectares of forest. The evening woods also look like the sea from a distance, a pale red sea, with thousands of treetops swaying with the wind, forming cascading waves.

Small towns are distributed along the winding coastline, Lu Mingfei names of them one by one -- below the cliff is the town of Umezuji, a little farther away is the town of Yamamae, Tsukishita Castle Town and Matsuron Town, and further is beyond his knowledge.

The town's small school was already empty, and the silent playground was empty.

The Ferris wheel spins slowly but does not carry passengers. The Ferris wheel in Umezuji Town is only a miniature version, but it is magnified in the sunset, its huge shadow cast on the undulating sea of trees.

On the track facing the sea, the yellow slow train rumbled through the small unoccupied station, which was enclosed by white railings with the signs "Umetsuji X" and "Tokyo X”. You wonder how long it had to wait for a nostalgic and romantic fan like Lu Mingfei. Music starts playing and you can't help but laugh in disbelief.

Lu Mingfei had pressed play on the theme song of Tokyo Love Story. His phone was the latest and the speaker was good. You couldn't believe it. This nerdy little parrot boy and scared raccoon had somehow managed to comfort you completely. Outside the shadows of Caesar and Chu Zihang, he shined bright. Maybe being on a boat with him would be fun.

Erii held up her notebook. “The world is gentle.”

You look at her, expressionless. She was right. The world in its natural state was quiet and peaceful. You’d fallen asleep in violence and awakened in violence and pain. You didn't get to experience the romantic world like this very much. In your mind, you imagine Renata in her patchwork coat, sitting next to you. In your ears, she whispers.

You open your mouth, “Make a wish!”

Mingfei turns to you in surprise but Erii follows along, pressing her palms together. You pray.

Renata. I am coming soon. Sorry it took so long.

You sat under the roof of the mine. Erii kept writing questions. Lu Mingfei answered one by one. This girl seems to have saved up a belly of questions, and now they all came out. Mostly they referenced Anime and Manga you have never heard of. That was Erii’s world, a world of cartoon fantasy. He confirmed or denied that reality, shaping and creating the world anew as you watched her listen intently. Lu Mingfei had taken to heart your words and was upfront and simple, not lying or trying to say things she wanted to hear. You nod in approval, your eyes serious.

The sun gradually sank below the surface of the sea, the last afterglow scattered on the water. Half of the sun and its reflection form a complete circle.

"So this is what the outside world looks like." Erii wrote to Lu Mingfei to see.

"Yeah, that's what it's like, no Britannia Kingdom and no Celestial Organization… disappointed?" Lu Mingfei asked.

"No, not disappointed, like this kind of world, this kind of world is very gentle." Erii used the word gentle once again. You repeated the word in your mind. Gentle. It echoes there. As if without the constant threat of death and adrenaline, there was just empty space.

"I really like this world." As the sun is about to disappear, Erii wrote to Lu Mingfei. "But the world doesn't like me." Erii went on to write.

You stand up and move to the other side of her. You scoot as close as you can and rest your head on her shoulder. She hugged the huge bear and lowered her eyes like a cat that had done something wrong.

"I'll be a problem for everyone and I've been a problem for Sakura." Erii wrote again.

"I was too willful. So I ran away from home."

"I should have gone back a long time ago but it's still a pleasure."

"It's beautiful here, I should have known I should have come here on the first day. Thank you Sakura, MC, thank you.”

You lower your hand over hers as she’s writing.

"No."

Erii froze for a moment.

"No." Lu Mingfei repeated.

Lu Mingfei cocked his head to look at her with a rare serious look: "Don't think you can know what the world is like by coming out to see it. I'm still confused after living in this world for more than twenty years. You've only run out for a few days and you think you understand?"

His eyes look at you too and you’re just as shaken as Erii. But he is right! You never set foot outside the Port of Black Swan and that was 20 years ago. You saw the whole world through that tiny lens and haughtily walked around like you owned the place. You judged others through that same view as well.

"How big the world is depends on how many people you know, and for every person you know, the world gets a little bigger for you. There are many cities in this world. There are Tokyo, Paris, Cairo, London, Istanbul... but many of them are just names to you, you haven't been there and there are no people there you want to visit, so they don't really belong to your world. There are many, many more people in this world, but you don't know them, and they don't belong in your world. There are also lots of good food and fun and nice things in this world, but the world that really belongs to you is actually very small, just the places you've been and eaten and seen the sunset and the friends who will care if you live or die."

"Whether the world likes you or not only depends on whether your friends like you or not. Everyone has a few really good friends. They like you, therefore, the world likes you."

The world… was not Tokyo, or Cassell or Hydra… The world was Renata, Caesar, Chu Zihang, Lu Mingfei, and now Erii. You turn your head back to Tokyo, unseen in the distance. How could you leave…?

“What is a good friend?" Erii wrote in her little notebook.

"It's the kind of friend that's so crazy about that he'll believe in you no matter what, and he'll be with you no matter what.” Lu Mingfei growled low. "If the world really doesn't like you, then the world is my enemy."

The moment these cold and arrogant words came out of his mouth, you seemed to hear a familiar cold laugh coming from behind you. The demon of the sad world sneering with all its mockery.

Together, you and Mingfei both jerked back, but behind you were only cherry blossoms mixed with fallen leaves swirling in a breeze, and there was no sign of Z. Lu Mingfei stared at you with wide eyes and you stared right back. His mouth opened. “MC. You… heard…?”

"Wanted: a good friend."

He turned back to Erii waiting for him with a small book up.

"I am your good friend, and you will have more good friends in the future." You say.

"But as long as we are your good friends, how can we not like you?" He said softly.

She slowly crawled towards Lu Mingfei like a kitten, vigilantly figuring out his look. Lu Mingfei looks petrified and you cover your mouth with one hand while silently cheering, “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!”

What did he expect? Even your heart was moving and you don’t even like him! Lu Mingfei is sitting here putting Kazama level moves on this girl and now that her arms are around him and her head is on his chest, he looks two seconds away from shitting himself. You ball your fist against your lips and swallow your laughter.

Clouds gathered in the distance and the sun had set, It was time to go. You would have to get up bright and early tomorrow to get on the boat to China. Your heart was relaxed again about Caesar’s decision. After all, he was just doing his best. If you died, you would go to rest. Caesar would be tormented for the rest of his days. He wasn't sending you on the boat to die. He wanted you to live. You still believed the omniscient Z. Leaving Tokyo was a death sentence. But you also believed Caesar had his own parallel script.

It was raining by the time the train came. You stand shoulder to shoulder on the platform. “Call me to wake me up tomorrow.” You say.

Mingfei lowers his head and laughs.

“Oh you’re planning to oversleep? Once again I have to be the mature one.” You roll your eyes.

The train splashes up to the platform and you make sure Erii has her ticket. She sits next to the window and stares outside. Much to your surprise, Mingfei sits you next to her. He gives you a fond smile and passes you a note.

"Dear passengers, this train terminates in Matsuyama City. We are now about to leave Umezuji-cho station. The train is about to close......" A sweet female voice echoed in the carriage.

The doors of the train close.

You open the note in your hand. The words make you squint.

You have to live.

You and Erii gasp at the same time. Mingfei is not on the train. The doors have closed. And he is not on the train!

You leap from your seat and pound on the glass door in front of the smiling Mingfei. “Where am I supposed to go?” You will miss the boat. You won’t go to China.

Your hands slowly slide from the glass. Erii is pressing her notebook urgently against it.

Lu Mingfei tapped on the window, "Someone will pick Erii up when you get to Matsuyama City. MC, find Ruri Kazama.”

"Won't Sakura take me back to Tokyo?" Eriki took the small book and showed it to Lu Mingfei.

"Your family won't like me." Lu Mingfei said.

Erii hugged the furry teddy bear and lowered her head, her long hair like a colored cloak that enveloped both her and the bear.

"Sayonara" said Lu Mingfei.

Erii nodded, finally realizing that this was their parting. The train ride to Tokyo will take several hours, but Lu Mingfei will not accompany her.

Lu Mingfei's face was stern and he didn't say anything more. There was nothing more to say. This was the parting, his carefully designed parting. He NEVER agreed to the boat. He NEVER agreed to kill you. He had carefully pulled the wool over Caesar’s eyes and convinced you that he was going to dump you on the boat. You grinned and shook your head. But the train began to move before you could even think of a comeback.

#Dragon Raja

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princepokemon · 3 years

Photo

I’m BACK. Again. 😨 Between my VERY long trip away from home and school, it’s been hectic but hopefully I can get back to posting semi normally again!

Figured I’d start out with a dump of DnD doodles from my last campaign featuring my favorite boy, Mani :)

Anyway, Mani! He’s a tiefling merchant who doubled as the group's pack mule. His travelling companions were Benny the gnome archeologist and Rahm the goliath Vagabond.

I had a great time with my friends but unfortunately our DM dipped mid campaign and I haven’t played for some time.

Here’s the character background/motivation piece I had to submit for anyone who’s into that kind of stuff. It’s sloppy but it gets the job done lol

—-

Fear is a powerful motivator. Fear of failure and death, fear of beasts and blood or the fear of being known; Manok Rhodara has molded his entire life around fleeing it.

Born into a small family of laborers in a very large city, he spent his younger years watching his parents trapped in the endless cycle of poverty. They’d toil away with seemingly no end in sight yet he still longed for something greater. Nevermind the nobles that paraded around in their carriages adorned with jewels, the simple merchant walking the streets with a full belly and spare coin was something he could wrap his brain around. His elder sister Nefaria had mocked him for his ambitions, but he kept his head down and did his best to observe the shopworkers he admired, emulating them in his precious free time.

Dreaming and doing are two different things however. His mother, a talented painter, had never successfully sold a single painting. Manok would watch her weep in their room after a day of fruitless peddling; tears muddying the beautiful discarded landscape. No one wants to sully homes with the work of an impoverished devil kin. He held out hope that the world outside the city walls didn’t hold these grudges. A fateful afternoon with his father would quickly extinguish these thoughts though.

He had so often felt the stares of disdain from the other races that he rarely acknowledged them anymore but that day he remembered them feeling particularly sharp. As they strolled through the city making their usual stops to resupply, Manok pleaded with his father to visit the local jewelers. The shopkeep was a shrewd elf who had recently lost his apprentice and Manok was confident he could wrangle a position if he could just get his foot in the door.

Relenting, his father agreed on the condition that they never step foot in the store again if the master rejected him. Though unimpressed, the shopkeeper miraculously agreed to start training him as an errand boy after some smooth talking and a bit of pitiful begging (until he could find a “suitable” replacement he’d said). In the owner’s words, “Put a hat on and you could pass for an elf. If you keep that tail hidden and your mouth shut you might have a chance at doing this right.”.

An unusual victory was quickly dashed by an unusual misfortune as an insidious bystander took advantage of the irregular pair, swiping a handful of gems and planting a few on his father. It wasn’t long before the situation quickly devolved into a heated shouting match with police in tow and that was all it took to throw his family’s life out of kilter.

The remaining Rhodaras were scrutinized by the law after his father was branded a thief and thrown in prison. Stall owners rejected their goods and they were banned from many parts of the city. The places they could walk freely, judgmental eyes followed their every move and attempted to imprison them over minor insurrections. His sister swore revenge while his mother fell into a deep depression. Confused and scared for his life, Manok did the only thing he felt he could do. Run. So he did.

He ran for weeks and weeks stowing away on boats and picking through trash. In the forests he drank rainwater and foraged familiar plants and bark he could recognize from the markets back home. He didn’t know the full extent of his travels until he was much older but he had trekked an entire continent away to the Forest Islet.

It was there deep in the woods untouched by man, that he stumbled upon a grand weeping cherry and the fae within it: Punella. It had been decades since a sentient soul had wandered their way into her mystical grotto and even longer since she had formed a pact. A glance at his sniveling face was all it took for her to pity the boy enough to reveal her form and administer her guardian test. Three simple trials to expose his true nature. He was reserved, studious, observant and very afraid but when the kind-hearted dryad offered her guidance, he recognized a great opportunity and never looked back.

He would maintain responsibility for her grotto and in exchange for his dedication she would grant him knowledge, magic and, most crucial of all, companionship. He spent the following years learning the arts of crafting and deception while honing his hunting skills. By the time he could truly call himself ‘self-reliant’ he was nearly 17 and his thirst for knowledge was full throttle.

His favorite of all was illusory magic, creating baubles and trinkets to decorate his camp and make him smile. What started as a hobby grew into something marketable and it wasn’t long before he was imbuing attractive charms into delicate crafts he made from the surrounding forest. Even his patron was impressed.

The woods had their own charm, but camping in a shabby hut he pieced together haphazardly had gotten old long ago. To really make a change, he’d need materials he couldn’t find surrounded by the trees. For materials he’d need someone to supply them and….. money. After some gentle encouragement, he hatched a plan to try his hand at the market once.

Once he mustered up the confidence to venture out, he traded pelts for books. Many, many books. He spent months pouring over encyclopedias and cultural commentaries. The main subject of his study was covering elves. He knew some of their mannerisms from his time in the city but his end goal would have him immersed in their lifestyle. His time in the city taught him that tieflings are easy victims and if he was finally getting the chance to delve into the world of commerce, he was going to do it right. He didn’t need to be perfect immediately but he had to appear legitimate enough to sell enough junk to build an adequate home.

With that, the life of Manok Rhodara was snuffed out and the adventure of Manolari Nym began. Despite spending his early teens isolated in the woods, he was able to appear warm and personable to the closest neighboring townsfolk. It wasn’t long until he developed a rapport with the local craftsman and was regularly completing projects with them during his trips out from the woods. He would never stay long and his mysterious nature prompted some rumors but somehow, impossibly, the world he’d dreamed of was within his grasp.

On cold nights he thought back on his time with his family and wondered what he could have done differently. He remembered the despair and panic; He remembered how he abandoned them to escape it. But he was happy now. His days with Punella were carefree and her gentle presence was a gift. The guilt could be aching, but Mani was willing to live that and far greater if it meant keeping what they had built together.

Life is a lottery with impossible odds. If you’re lucky enough, you might get to draw again. How far would you go to protect that second chance?

#DnD #dnd oc #Dungeons and Dragons #Tiefling #OC #Gnome #Goliath #Mani #Benny #Rahm #Nefaria #my art #I've been lurking and liking stuff still #But it's been weird not having a PC for 2 months #I'll probably get distracted playing games instead of posting tbh #😭😭 I'll try

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vampiregirl1797 · 4 years

Text

Love is Patient

Joey Tribbiani x Plus Size Reader

GIF Not Mine.

Click Here For My Masterlist.

Warnings: Some pining, a hint of angst, self-depreciation, eventual fluff

Word Count: 6,125

Summary: Monica’s friend from collage comes to stay with her for a few days as she attends a job interview in the city. After the meeting, at Monica’s suggestion, she decides to extend her trip and during her time there her feelings towards a certain Italian develop into more than a crush. Monica has told her all about how he is with women, and so she knows her feelings are pointless and therefore decides to keep them to herself. But what if for the first time ever Joey looks at Y/N and sees more than a candidate for a one-night stand? What if he sees the potential for his first ever romantic relationship?

A bubble of anxiety formed in my gut as I made out the sign for Central Perk—where Monica had told me to meet her after my interview. I pushed open the door, my eyes fluttering shut for a second to appreciate the warmth that washed over me. It was currently snowing outside, so to walk into the café where it wasn’t absolutely freezing was like slipping into a hot bath after a warm day; cosy and comforting. I hung up my red puffy coat on the rack by the door and fluffed out my hair to get it away from my neck. As I was doing this I spied Monica’s short black hair standing at the counter and accepting a giant cookie on a small plate. I walked over and tapped her on the shoulder accepting the one armed hug with a wide smile and a laugh at her eagerness—she’d last seen me this after noon, it hadn’t been that long.

‘How did it go?’ she asked after she pulled back from the embrace, her blue eyes shining with genuine curiosity.

‘Good, I think. I answered all of their questions and they seemed to really like me. Now all I have to do is wait and see, which is the worst part.’ I ran a hand through my long dark hair in frustration—I’d always been impatient.

‘Well you’re an amazing nurse, I’m sure they’ll welcome you with open arms.’ She assured me, patting my arm in comfort.

That familiar swell of anxiety resurfaced as she led me a few steps towards the giant sofa—where her friends were sitting. I’d gotten in late last night and hadn’t rose until late afternoon. At that point I’d been running around and frantically getting ready for my interview, so I hadn’t had the time to be introduced to anyone new. Which I’d been secretly grateful for—I didn’t do well when it came to making friends. Monica was one of two people who I’d managed to form a companionship with over four years in collage. If that didn’t tell you I was awkward and hard for people to connect with then I didn’t know what would. But I forced those thoughts out of my mind and tried to smile in what I hoped was a friendly way.

‘Guys this is Y/N!’ Monica declared brightly, her free hand moving around and pointing to different people as she relayed their names, ‘Y/N this is Phoebe,’ the blonde girl waved enthusiastically and I felt my smile become more genuine, ‘this is Rachel,’ her greeting was more subdued, but no less authentic, ‘this is my brother Ross,’ his wave was a little awkward and I felt a wave of relief that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way around new people, ‘this is Chandler’ his wave mirrored Ross’ and I felt the tension in my shoulders completely dissolve. Maybe this is the kind of group I would actually fit into.

‘And last but not least…’ she shifted me to the right a little so I could see the attractive dark haired, brown eyed man who was sat on a chair about a foot away from the couch. He was wearing a white sweater and I had an errant thought that the colour made his skin look that much more tanned and smooth. His right hand was cupped around the cup of coffee he had on the small circular table in front of him, and his lips were turned up into a welcoming smile, ‘this is Joey.’ Monica said and I blinked in surprise; it had felt like minutes rather than seconds since she began her introduction, but it seemed like I was the only one who felt that way.

The attractive man was the only one to offer his hand to shake, I assumed that was because he was closest and therefore the only one in position to do so. I barely managed to bite back a gasp at the tingle that shot right up my arm when my skin met his.

‘It’s nice to meet you,’ his smile was less friendly and more cheerful this time; I couldn’t help but return it.

‘It’s nice to meet you, too,’ I reluctantly removed my hand from his, trying not to look too awkward as I suddenly had no idea what I usually did with that hand. Did I put it in my pocket? Let it hang casually by my side? It was hard to remember when all I wanted to do was allow it to bask in Joey’s warm and somehow comforting touch.

I cleared my throat and willed myself not to blush at the turn my thoughts had taken as I turned so I could face everyone as I spoke, ‘it’s nice to meet all of you, I feel like I already know you, Monica talks about you all so much when we talk over the phone.’

It was true, and I found myself looking from person to person, pairing the stories with their faces. That made a ball of disappointment form in my stomach as I recalled something she’d told me about the handsome Italian: Joey isn’t really a one-guy kind of girl. He doesn’t like commitment, he likes sex and he’s happy going from one woman to another.

‘Here sweetie, sit down do you want some coffee?’ Monica asked as I took a seat in between Chandler and Phoebe.

‘Please honey, can I get a blueberry muffin too? I skipped lunch and I’m starving.’ I sighed, placing my bag at my feet and fighting the urge to pick my fingernails—a nervous habit I’d never really grown out of.

‘So Y/N, tell us about yourself,’ Ross said leaning forward in the arm chair he inhabited, careful not to jostle where Rachel sat on the arm, ‘Mon said you were in town for an interview? What’s that for?’

‘Oh I’ve applied for a nursing position at Bellevue Hospital Center,’ I said, trying not to blush at the impressed expressions a few of them now wore, ‘I’ve been working at a hospital in my home town since I qualified but I’ve always wanted to live in the city and when this position opened up it seemed like fate. I just hope I get it.’

‘I’m sure you will,’ Chandler reassured, squeezing my shoulder comfortingly. I was surprised by the gesture but I appreciated it.

‘It’s so cool that you’re a nurse.’ Joey said and the expression of wonder on his face while he looked at me did make me blush.

Thankfully Monica chose that moment to pass me the coffee and muffin she’d acquired for me, so I took the distraction and hoped no one had noticed my reaction.

‘Thanks, Mon,’ I sighed gratefully, placing the hot beverage onto the coffee table in front of me before taking a huge bite of the blueberry goodness.

‘Good?’ Monica chuckled as she squeezed in on the other side of Phoebe.

‘Definitely,’ I nodded, not realising a moan of appreciation had escaped my lips—it just tasted so good when I hadn’t had anything all day.

‘Speaking of food, where are we going for dinner?’ Joey asked, a crease forming between his brows as if the answer were very important to him, ‘I’m hungry too.’

‘I don’t know,’ Rachel mused, her fingers moving through Ross’ hair as she deliberated, ‘we could order in some Chinese food? I’ve been craving Kung Poi Chicken all day.’

‘If we’re ordering in could we get pizza too?’ I tentatively proposed—it was my favourite food and I hadn’t had any in too long.

‘You like pizza?’ for some reason the Italian’s incredulous tone made me want to blush again, but I managed to force the urge down.

‘Like pizza?’ I scoffed playfully, ‘I love it.’

The others chuckled at the expression that came over his face; he looked a mixture of surprised and awed. I tried to ignore the way my stomach fluttered in reaction to being on the receiving end of that look, and I chuckled with the rest of the group. Eventually we decided on a mixture; Phoebe, Joey and I ordered pizzas, and everyone else settled on Chinese food. With that decision made, we migrated up to Monica’s apartment and once the orders were phoned in, I decided to take a shower and change into some sweats—I’d been in my interview outfit. And that was too formal and uncomfortable for eating a big dinner and lounging on the couch while watching TV.

Once I was redressed, I exited the bathroom with wet hair, feeling much more relaxed. Ross was sitting in the white armchair, with Rachel on the floor in front of him. Phoebe was on the green ottoman with her back to the TV, while Joey and Chandler were sat on the sofa with Monica in between them. The food was sprawled out on the coffee table in front of them and everyone was talking with the TV on quietly in the background.

‘There’s no way!’ Ross disagreed around a mouthful of chicken, ‘why would he united states government cover that up?’

‘You don’t think it’s a bit suspicious that Lee Harvey Oswald was killed two days after Kennedy was assassinated?’ Chandler said, nearly throwing rice all over the place. He sent Monica a look that was a mixture of apologetic and afraid.

I hid a chuckle and slid into the space between Mon and Joey, pulling my knees up to my chest as I bit into the slice of cheese pizza I’d snagged. I tried not to think about how close I was to the Italian, despite the fact I could feel the heat his body was radiating. It got worse when his hand lifted and laid behind me on the back of the couch, probably in an attempt to make the both of us more comfortable.

‘Why are they talking about the John F Kennedy assassination?’ I whispered to Joey, smiling when he seemed to jolt out of his thoughts, I guess he didn’t hold much interest for the conversation topic either.

‘Monica bought it up, apparently someone from work was telling her a few conspiracy theories the other day.’ Joey answered, his voice just as low as mine, ‘so now they’re discussing weather they’re believable or not.’

‘Ah I see,’ I chuckled, deciding to take the opportunity to extend the conversation with the handsome Italian, ‘so what do you do? I never really got around to asking everyone before.’

I was being very careful not to make my interest appear focused on him. I knew he was out of my league, not to mention he wasn’t the type of guy who wanted a relationship, according to my collage friend. I was the opposite; I couldn’t stand casual sex, I’ll admit the idea seemed appealing when I found myself in the midst of a dry spell, but no matter how horny I became I just couldn’t go through with it. Maybe it was because I needed an emotional connection with a man before we took it that far, or maybe it was because I couldn’t imagine being the type of girl a guy chose to have a one night stand with. They usually went with someone prettier and a lot skinnier than me. I didn’t have an issue with it—I used to be majorly insecure about my body, but I’d come to accept myself for who I was. That just happened to be someone that men needed to get to know before they found me attractive enough to sleep with.

‘I’m an actor,’ Joey said, a proud smile lighting up his face.

‘Wow, are you doing anything at the moment?’ I wondered, reaching forward and grabbing the unopened bottle of water in front of me.

‘I’m actually a re-occurring character in Days of Our Lives.’ He said, naturally shifting closer to me as we spoke, ‘I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.’

‘That’s awesome! Do you enjoy it?’ I knew it was a pointless question as I voiced it, but I couldn’t help but ask—the happiness that was shining in his eyes as he spoke of his job made my heart flutter in my chest, and so I couldn’t help but try to prolong it.

‘Are you kidding? I love it! I’ve been dreaming of acting since I was a kid, there wasn’t any other option for me really.’ He grinned, his free hand moving through his hair before dropping back to his lap.

‘Good for you—there are plenty of people who’re too scared to follow their dreams,’ I said as he reached forward for another slice of pizza.

He appeared to be almost bashful as he processed what I’d said and waved off my words, almost dropping his food as he did. I bit back a laugh, not wanting to make him feel more embarrassed than he already was.

‘What about you? Have you always wanted to be a nurse?’ he asked, seemingly eager to get the attention off him.

‘Since my mom dressed me up as one for Halloween when I was five,’ I said, my tone light but not insincere.

‘Woah.’ He blinked, looking like he was trying to do the math on how long that was before he shook his head and gave up, ‘that’s a long time.’

‘It is,’ I agreed with a grin.

‘So, Y/N, I’ve been dying to ask—do you have any embarrassing stories about Monica?’ Phoebe’s bight and bubbly voice broke Joey and I out of our separate conversation.

I looked over to her, pursing my lips as I thought and playfully smacking away the hand Monica tried to put over my mouth, ‘did she ever tell you about spring break sophomore year?’

‘Y/N!’ Monica groaned, covering her face with both of her hands and twisting to burrow into Chandler.

I chuckled, relaying the story of Monica, a bottle of tequila, a karaoke machine and a Dolly Parton impersonator. By the end, everyone was laughing and my collage friend was blushing a tomato red. The rest of the night passed with casual conversation and I felt so comfortable in the company of people that had been strangers a mere twenty four hours ago, that I found myself eagerly agreeing to extend my trip.

I had a feeling I’d finally found a place where I belonged, a place where I truly fit in, and I was in no hurry to leave that behind.

It was a few weeks after I’d arrived and I was rushing down to the coffee house, eager to share my news with someone. I had no idea where anyone was, but I’d left the spare bedroom I’d been staying in to be met by an empty apartment, and the second regular hang out was my best guess. Some might be at work, but I was hoping that with it nearing noon they would be making their way to the coffee house for lunch.

My smile was bright as I walked through the door, hanging my coat up without even looking on the rack as my eyes were already darting around the room, searching for familiar faces. The only one I recognised belonged to Joey who was sat on the sofa, a cup of coffee in his hand and a magazine on his lap. The Italian and I had struck up quite the friendship in the short time I’d been here, or at least that was how it appeared to the rest of the group, Joey included. My feelings went much deeper than that, but the countless women I saw him hit on was more than enough to remind me that nothing would ever happen between the two of us. So I kept those thoughts locked up tight, deep down—I was quite proud of how I’d managed to keep up our friendship despite the romantic feelings I felt for him.

Without giving it much thought I practically ran to Joey and practically jumped on him, my legs settling either side of his and my arms winding around his waist. The suggestive position was completely lost underneath my excitement to share my news with someone, and honestly I was kind of happy it was Joey who would hear the news first.

‘Woah, Y/N,’ Joey exclaimed, managing to stop himself from dropping the hot beverage in his hand out of shock. Once he was confident he wasn’t in danger of scalding either one of them, he returned her embrace, happy to have her so close.

‘Sorry.’ I said, but my grin didn’t falter, ‘I’m just so happy—I got the job!’

It took him a moment but a few seconds later, his expression mirrored mine, ‘get out! That’s amazing, Y/N! I’m so proud of you!’

He hugged me to his chest again and I felt reality catch up to me when he placed a kiss on my head. I returned his embrace for a few more moments before forcing myself off his lap and onto the couch next to him.

‘Thanks, Joe.’ I said, refusing to let myself think about the kind of relationship I’d never have with him. His friendship was more than enough; it was better to have him in my life as a friend than not at all.

‘We should celebrate! Maybe we could go out to dinner later?’ Joey suggested, taking a sip of his coffee, I thought I saw his hand tremble but when I looked again to check I dismissed it as his hand appeared steady.

‘That would be great! We’ll have to mention it to everyone later and see where they want to go,’ I said, frowning when his expression appeared to fall, but when he saw my concern he forced a smile on his face.

I wanted to ask what was wrong, but it was clear he didn’t want me to as he excused himself to grab another cup of coffee—when he still had half a mug left—so when he returned I didn’t bring it up. We sat for a little while, and when he picked up his magazine to continue flicking through it, I read it with him over his shoulder. It was a habit we’d formed when he’d seen me reading a comic book, ever since then if one of us was reading, the other was too. That was how we were when the rest of the group seemed to join us at the same time.

‘Hey guys what’s going on?’ Chandler asked after he’d grabbed himself some coffee and took a seat on the stool by the sofa.

‘Actually, I’ve got something to tell you guys.’ I grinned, not noticing how Joey’s expression brightened at seeing my happiness, ‘I got the job!’

‘Congratulations!’ Monica practically screamed, leaning down to give me a hug.

Suddenly I was overcome by countless versions of “congratulations” and an embrace from each of the wonderful people in the group.

‘Does this mean you’re moving here? Permanently?’ Ross asked from the armchair. I thought I saw his eyes flicker to Joey as I asked, but I couldn’t be sure.

‘Yeah, I’m going to have to find an apartment,’ I realised, a ball of stress suddenly appearing in my gut—I had so much to do before I started! I needed a place to live and furniture and—.

‘Hey don’t panic, you can live with me.’ Monica suggested brightly, ‘if you want to I mean, I’ve been kind of lonely since Rachel and Ross moved in together. It would be nice to have a roommate again.’

‘Really?’ I asked, reaching over to grasp her forearm, ‘are you sure?’

‘Of course,’ my collage friend smiled, laughing when I hugged her tightly, whispering “thank you” over and over.

‘That’s great! We’re gonna have so much fun!’ Monica smiled, ‘we should have a sleepover tonight to make it official! Phoebe, Rachel you wanna come over?’

Both eagerly agreed and they started chatting about the activities we could do that night. I settled further into the couch, nodding in agreement with the games and movies they suggested. Honestly, I didn’t mind what we did, I was just grateful to have such a wonderful group of friends that accepted me for who I was, and were both willing and eager to celebrate this success with me.

‘Are guys welcome at this slumber party?’ Chandler wondered after Rachel proposed we played Twister, ‘I was Twister champ of the eighth grade and I’d like to defend my title.’

I chuckled and my sarcastic friend shot me a smile of appreciation, as the most he got out of the others was a smile of amusement.

‘I don’t see why not, but you’ll be going down Bing. I won every game of twister at all of my slumber parties.’ Rachel bragged, and when Monica reached over to give her a high five I grinned.

‘You’re on, Green!’ Chandler exclaimed, the rest of us laughing at their rivalry.

As the others chatted amongst themselves and I settled into Joey’s side when he lifted his arm to fall over the back of the sofa. It was something I’d seen Rachel, Mon and Phoebe do plenty of times with all of the guys, so I didn’t think it could be interpreted as more than a friendly gesture. I didn’t notice Chandler and Ross share a knowing look at our closeness; I was distracted by Monica asking what kind of snacks I’d prefer. It didn’t take long for her to finalise the plans and I could practically see the wheels in her head as she thought of everything she needed to do by tonight. The group left to continue their shifts at work after promising to meet at Monica’s by eight.

‘How about we go and get some lunch?’ Joey suggested, his voice casual and if I’d been paying attention I would’ve noticed it was too casual.

‘That sounds nice. We could go to the deli and get some sandwiches?’ I proposed as I shrugged my puffy coat on—the weather was still on the cold side.

‘Perfect.’ Joey grinned, holding the door open and his smile seemed to grow when I linked my arm through his.

We chatted as we walked to Joey’s favourite deli, and when we arrived he insisted on picking out my sandwich for me. I agreed with a smile—it was impossible to turn him down when he looked so adorable and enthusiastic. We both ended up with meatball subs and I was unable to contain my sounds of pleasure as I ate it—it was without a doubt the most incredible thing I’d ever eaten. I’d told him so once I was finished and he’d cleared his throat and told me he was glad I enjoyed it. I didn’t notice the way he had to readjust himself before we left, the sounds of pleasure I’d made having inspired some… suggestive thoughts. But all I could think about as we headed back to the apartment was how happy I just knew I was going to be here—I could feel it in my bones with a confidence I’d never felt. I belonged in New York.

A few months had passed since I’d officially moved in with Monica and started my new job as a nurse at Bellevue Hospital Center. And I had never been happier! Work was wonderful, hard sometimes, but the rewarding feeling I felt after helping the patients that I could outweigh any difficulties. I’d gotten closer to the group and I was at the point now where I couldn’t imagine a time that they weren’t in my life—I loved each and every one of them like family. Well… all but one.

The crush I’d had on a certain Italian hadn’t gone away with time like I hoped it would, but it had flourished into something much more intense, and much harder to dismiss. I had fallen in love with him. And I didn’t know what to do about it—I didn’t want to mention it to any of my friends, because as much as I loved and trusted them, it wouldn’t stay a secret for very long if I revealed it to anyone. As I said—the group was like a family and it was impossible for any subject that might cause tension to remain unobserved or unresolved, and I’d rather save myself the crushing and inevitable rejection. So, I didn’t say anything, and instead I started avoiding Joey. Not in obvious ways; for example I started making a conscious effort not to sit next to him whenever we hung out, and I started making excuses to not be alone with him. Stupid and childish? Definitely. But I had to try and get over him somehow and I didn’t know how else to go about it.

I thought I was being subtle about it, but I discovered my efforts were wasted when the girls questioned me about it on a Saturday morning over brunch at the apartment. The guys were due to come too, which was probably why I was being asked before they got here, sneaky devils.

‘So what’s going on with you and Joey, Y/N?’ Phoebe asked in typical Phoebe fashion: blunt and unapologetic. It was something about her I admired—she always got to the point and said exactly what she meant. But I would be lying if I wasn’t cursing her for that particular characteristic as I choked on a sip of orange juice, totally taken aback by the subject change.

‘What do you mean?’ I said after I’d managed to clear my airway, ‘there’s nothing going on?’

‘You’ve started acting really weird around him, you two are usually attached at the hip when we hang out and now you go out of your way to avoid him.’ Monica added, not willing to let me brush it off.

I opened myself to say something, but snapped it shut again when I realised I had no idea what I could say to that.

‘And you don’t hang out together anymore, Joey asked you if you wanted to go and see that movie you’ve been raving about yesterday and you blew him off.’ Rachel rose her brow, ‘Joey knows that excuse was bogus and he’s been racking his brain trying to figure out what he did to upset you.’

‘He didn’t do anything to upset me,’ I sighed, my shoulders slumping in defeat. I hadn’t even considered that Joey might notice I was blowing him off, and I definitely hadn’t wanted to cause him any kind of pain. I was being selfish in trying to protect myself and I realised if I carried on with this behaviour I might lose Joey all together—that was something I couldn’t bear to consider.

‘He didn’t do anything to upset me.’ I repeated, deciding the truth needed to come out—it wasn’t worth keeping it to myself if it meant I was hurting others, ‘I’ve been avoiding Joey because I realised I’m in love with him.’

‘Explain something to me,’ Phoebe started, leaning forward in her chair and looking me directly in the eye, ‘wouldn’t falling in love with someone mean the opposite effect? Shouldn’t you be not avoiding him?’

‘I was avoiding him because I was trying to work through my feelings discretely,’ I sighed, running a hand through my hair, ‘I didn’t want to say anything to him because I knew he wouldn’t feel the same way about me. Not only is he majorly out of my league, Joey isn’t interested in commitment and I would never want casual sex.’

The table was silent for a moment, mulling over my words I assumed. I thought they’d realised that I was right when the silence stretched on, but Monica smacking me upside the head told me they were having a very different reaction.

‘Ow, what was that for?’ I exclaimed, more out of surprise than pain.

‘You’re an idiot.’ She said, as if that were enough of an explanation.

‘I’m gonna need more of an explanation than that, Mon.’ I huffed, sitting back in the dining room chair I was sat on and bringing my knees up to my chest.

‘Joey looks at you like you hung the moon and the stars.’ Rachel said, continuing when I stared at her in disbelief, ‘it’s cliché but it’s true.’

‘He’s always watching you whenever we hang out, he’s happy when you are, he hates seeing you upset—do you remember last month when a patient was pronounced DOA at the hospital?’ Monica continued when I nodded, ‘Joey noticed that you were barely holding it together and he bought you your favourite ice cream and your favourite movie. He sat and watched it with you, and held you when you broke down crying. When you fell asleep, he carried you to bed—he wouldn’t do that for someone he only saw as a friend!’

‘Or that time when you were being hit on by that creepy guy at the coffee house? Joey was there before you could even tell him to get lost and he didn’t leave your side for the rest of the night, because he knew you were worried the guy was gonna bug you again.’ Phoebe added as she buttered her bagel and took a bite when she was done.

‘Don’t forget when you mentioned that you hated going to and from work those first few weeks you moved here. You said you didn’t feel safe and Joey was there, dressed and awake at 6am so that he could accompany you to and from work.’ Rachel remembered—it was true, I hadn’t felt safe venturing out into the city so early and late when I’d first started my new job.

I hadn’t even asked Joey to come with me, he’d just shown up and said it was no big deal, that he didn’t mind walking a beautiful girl to work. I’d blushed of course, but it had been the start of a tradition—aside from some rare exceptions—he walked me to work and was always there to meet me when I finished. I’d never told him how big of an impact that had on my day. Those days where I felt like a complete failure and questioned why I’d ever become a nurse were always immediately better when I saw Joey. His handsome face and warm brown eyes always shone with happiness and so it was impossible for my own mood not to brighten in response to his company.

Joey had done so many things for me and out of the whole group he was definitely the one I felt the closest to. But did all of those things mean love? Were those only things he would do for someone he cared about on another level other than friendship?

Monica appeared to be reading my thoughts, ‘I’ve known Joey for a long time and he’s never been that thoughtful or protective over a friend or one night stand.’

I bit my lip, a bubble of hope swelling in my chest. Could it be possible? Could Joey love me the way I loved him? There was only one way to know for sure, but I would have to get him alone to do it—I loved the group but I didn’t want an audience while I confessed my love for the Italian.

I took a deep breath and then released it, slowly. I raised my hand and it hovered over the green door. I dropped it. I took another breath. I raised my hand and after a sound of pure anxiety left my lips I knocked. I tried not to think as I waited for the door to open, and thankfully I wasn’t left in anticipation for very long.

‘Y/N.’ Joey’s voice sounded a mixture of happy and confused. When I looked up into his eyes and saw that the warm brown reflected wariness I wanted to kick myself.

‘Hey Joe, can I come in?’ I asked, crossing my arms over my chest as I tried to keep my voice even.

‘Sure,’ he stepped aside and I walked in, usually I would’ve taken a seat in “Chandler’s Barcalounger” but I remained standing and turned to face him.

I couldn’t bring myself to meet his gaze but I imagined he was trying to work out what kind of mood I was in—something Joey was usually very good at, I realised. I hadn’t noticed it before, I’d just assumed he was attuned into everyone but now that I thought about it, he only ever seemed to constantly focus on me. My heartbeat quickened at the revelation but it didn’t make me feel anymore confident.

‘I need to talk to you.’ I said, anxiously playing with the sleeves of my shirt, ‘and I just want to say that before I start, nothing has to change between us alright? You’re important to me Joey and I don’t want to lose you because of what I’m about to say, so can you promise me that won’t happen?’

He stepped forward, his hands gripping the tops of my arms, his hold firm but gentle. The action caused me to look up to him and the sincere look in his eyes made my breath catch.

‘I promise that I’ll always be there for you, Y/N. No matter what.’ His words were coated with so much assurance that it was impossible not to believe him.

‘I’m in love with you.’ I said, or more blurted— the words left my mouth without my permission. As if my body were tired of my reluctance and took action for me, but I wasn’t sure I was grateful for it.

Joey blinked, his sincere expression melting into shock, his hands remained on the tops of my arms, but I wasn’t sure if he was aware of it or not. My hands were slapped over my mouth, an involuntary reaction after my word vomit, and they stayed there for a long moment until I worked up the courage to drop them so I could speak.

‘Joey, I know you probably don’t feel the same, and that’s okay but… please say something.’ I pleaded and my tone must have gotten through to him, because he shook his head as if to clear it and his warm brown eyes found mine.

The happiness had returned, but it was brighter than the sun, and if I weren’t physically incapable of looking away from such beauty, I would have worried about it blinding me. But I couldn’t help thinking: I wouldn’t mind losing my eyesight if this were the last thing I saw. His smile came next and before I could prompt him or beg him to speak again, his hands slid down to my waist and pulled my body against his. A gasp left my throat at the feel of his warmth wrapped around me and when he kissed me I swear time stopped. When it started up again my hands went to the sides of his neck, sliding into his soft hair. I’d never been kissed like this before; in a way that was tender yet passionate, loving yet adoring. I don’t know how long we were kissing for, but the apartment could have burned down around us and I wouldn’t have noticed. Joey pulled back before it could progress into anything more, his forehead resting against mine as we both caught our breath.

‘I love you too, Y/N.’ He said, his hands moving up to caress the sides of my face and smiling softly when I leant into his touch.

My eyes filled up with tears at the adoring way he was looking at me, beyond grateful that the man I cared about returned my feelings, as he wiped them away when they spilled over and led me to his bedroom. Soft whispers were shared well into the early morning as we eagerly shared anything and everything, cuddled together on Joey’s bed. As the night progressed, our kisses became more fervent, more passionate. Clothes were stripped off and thrown to the floor, hands eagerly roamed as we each memorised each other’s bodies with our hands. While we moved together I couldn’t help but think about how perfect the moment was, how right it felt to be entwined together so intimately, and I knew as we reached our climaxes together—Joey and I were meant to be. Because there was no way that I wasn’t supposed to be with this wonderful man, the one who looked out for me, cared for me…loved me.

I was without a doubt the luckiest girl in the world.

#joey tribbiani #joey tribbiani x reader #friends #joey tribbiani x plus size reader #joey tribbiani x you

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mangamushi · 3 years

Text

Thoughts on Saikyou Densetsu Kurosawa

FUKUMOTO Nobuyuki, 11 volumes, published from 2003 to 2006 in Big Comic Original (Seinen)

Saikyou Densetsu Kurosawa (Legend of the strongest man Kurosawa) follows the story of 44 years old construction worker Kurosawa as he realizes he spent most of his life without any meaningful connections with anyone nor any special achievements. He decides to change his life so that he can become proud of his own accomplishments and efforts, and earn respect and appreciation from the people around him.

(spoiler warning)

So I’m currently binging Fukumoto manga, after having them on my “plan to read” list for several years…I started with Kaiji, but initially the first manga of his that caught my interest was Kurosawa. The themes of it are right up my alley, and I like main characters that are not teenagers or young adults.

Kurosawa has a sequel, Shin Kurosawa: Saikyou Densetsu, which is a direct continuation. I’ll mostly be focusing on the first part here.

The art is typical Fukumoto style. Odd at first, definitely not the prettiest nor the most impressive out there, but it does the job and I really grew to like it. He doesn’t hesitate to give exaggerated features to his characters, and I actually find the deliberate ugliness of the character designs refreshing. It certainly fits the story of Kurosawa, makes the characters very expressive and works well with the often comedic tone.

Although the art looks simple, Fukumoto can deliver very intense pages when he needs to.

His forte is in his use of narration combined with the picture, rather than in the drawings alone. He is a master at using a narrator’s comments or the character’s thoughts to raise tension and make the manga flow better.

Kurosawa is definitely written with a lot of heart. Both the manga itself and the titular character, feel very genuine. Kurosawa is very flawed and very human. He is rough but powerful, his desires are simple, and he is straightforward in his reactions, to the point that his impulsive nature and lack of social restraints put him in trouble, especially when it comes to women...

There are a few instances however where he comes close to harassing women, which is played for laugh, which I disliked. Those scenes made me less sympathetic towards him as he actually deserved the repercussions of his actions here.

But besides those chapters, Kurosawa is overall a likeable character, easy to sympathize with and to root for as we see him at a low point of his life.

He is clumsy in his interactions with his coworkers, which, coupled with his hot-temper, often leads to misunderstandings and prevents him from getting closer to them despite his best efforts. I actually found Kurosawa’s failed attempts at achieving popularity reminiscent of Watamote. The beginning of both series, in which a pathetic main character fails repetitively at gaining the appreciation of their peers through outlandish strategies, elicits the same mixture of pity, second-hand embarrassment, and amusement.

Kurosawa also gets into a fair number of fights. While those fight-focused chapters were not bad, I was personally less into them.

Drawing literal fist-fights in not what Fukumoto’s best at. His character’s postures are somewhat stiff, which he compensates for with heavy use of speed-lines. It is okay-ish, but I want read a fight scene, there’s plenty of fighting manga out there that can do a better job.

I like Fukumoto more when he writes more psychological battles, like in his gambling mangas. Of course, psychological elements and strategies where not totally absent from the fights, but it was nowhere as much as in his gambling manga. Sometimes I think Kurosawa was a bit too lucky in the fights, as he is not a very athletic person nor someone with a lot of experience in fighting. It did not feel very convincing to me.

Besides, it is through these battles that Kurosawa gathers allies, a reputation and respect. But most of his opponents are teenagers, even middle-schoolers ! Granted they are very scary teenagers, but I still fail to see how a 44 years old man throwing hands with teenagers is such a praise worthy thing...

I think I prefer to see Kurosawa fight and struggle to improve his life in a less literal way that actual physical fighting.

I haven’t read that many of Fukumoto’s works yet, but I feel like an important theme in them is perseverance/resilience. He puts his characters through a lot, but they tend to have some form of resistance that shines through as admirable. Kurosawa’s will to fight and to push back against adversity is sometimes the only thing he has left, and it is extremely important.

However, that is not an innate ability that comes to him easily -at times Kurosawa hides, flees, cowers. He hesitates, and he needs to think things through before he actually decides to fight.

Fukumoto: You know how protagonists in shonen manga do things like jump in to stop their classmate from being bullied without thinking about how they might get beaten up themselves? I always felt that wasn’t real. So with Kurosawa, I wanted to make a manga that shows hesitation, and how it actually isn’t so easy to defend people like that.

(Excerpt from this interview)

I like this kind of manga where characters reflect about what is the right decision to take and on how they should be living their life. And how the reader has access to their inner turmoil and thoughts.

His strength is often born from sheer desperation and desire to survive. It is when he is cornered that he can manage to act and fight even when the odds are against him. He has to make do with the very few tools and options he has, which leads him to elaborate unconventional tactics to win over his opponents.

Having cornered underdogs characters winning over more powerful, but less desperate, opponents seems like a running theme in Fukumoto’s manga (cf. the made-up E-card Game from Kaiji, in which The Slave is the only card that can win against The Emperor, precisely because it is so low that it has nothing to lose anymore).

In a way, one could argue Kurosawa follows a formula reminiscent of classic shounen manga: a character who is below average at first rises to a heroic status through willpower, effort and after fighting a string of opponents. However, there are major differences that set Kurosawa apart, besides the older characters and more adult setting (Kurosawa’s worries are grounded in reality: growing old alone, financial problems...) Kurosawa does not provide escapism and dreams. The story begins with Kurosawa as a single old man, and ends with him an even older still single man. He does not become an amazing fighter through power boost and magic training like a shounen character might.

He does want to dream big, but all things considered, his achievements are fairly modest. He is not saving the world or becoming hokage. At most he is just helping some other marginalized people from his neighborhood.

Even if he puts his life on the line to fight, what he accomplished will fade into oblivion at some point.

But, even so, his efforts and struggle are still admirable.

Besides, Kurosawa is not about friendship, at least not the kind of friendship you find in shounen manga.

In Fukumoto’s manga, people may stick together for survival, they can share intense emotions when put through the same ordeals, but it’ll rarely turn into true companionship. Kurosawa is alone from the start, and while he does connect with other people throughout the story, in the sequel those relationships are left behind as he leaves on his own to start a new life.

Fukumoto: My protagonists, on the other hand, are always alone – not only do they not have followers, they don’t even have friends. (laugh) [...] I can’t do manga where the characters readily make friends that they risk their lives for. I started out by drawing short human drama pieces, but even then – partially because I wasn’t doing long-term series, but – they weren’t generally stories about friends.

I was kind of expecting Asai, one of Kurosawa’s coworker, to have a bigger role, but that didn’t happen. (I liked the part where he tried to comfort Kurosawa after he got humiliated so I was hoping for more!)

The story isn’t very cohesive or straighforward, it just follows Kurosawa’s life, who wants to change but lacks a clearly defined goal or road to follow. There isn’t one big coherent plot, instead the story goes in different directions, shifting from one genre to another from chapter to chapter. Kurosawa even admits it himself !

The quality of the chapters and different arcs is in my opinion rather uneven.

There are some really powerful scenes, notably the very end of the manga which is very touching. Kurosawa successfully leads a group of homeless men to defend themselves against some delinquents who were threatening them, but as a result of his injuries, he is implied to die. (The sequel manga reveals he actually just goes into coma for 8 years). It is bittersweet ending as he finally achieved something and is surrounded by human warmth.

Shin Kurosawa, the sequel, is similar to the first part, though slightly more light-hearted and focused on humor (even though Kurosawa’s situation technically worsens!). It seems to be less liked than the first part for those same reasons, but I personally enjoy Fukumoto’s humor and his more slice of life-y mangas. It has many genuinely funny moments. Once in a while there are still some chapters that feel deeper/more thought provoking, as Fukumoto likes to reflect about society, life, and humanity in his stories.

For anyone looking for other manga with similar themes, I can recommend Furuya Minoru’s excellent Wanitokagegisu . Both feature very lonely adult men who wish to turn their life around, and oscillate between humor and psychological drama.

#fkmt #saikyou densetsu kurosawa #fukumoto noboyuki #kurosawa #manga

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chainrattle · 3 years

Text

info on seven/rk under the cut !

pre-maw ( arc zero ) ; the runaway kid wasn't always some nameless face trapped within the depths of the maw ; like any child, he came from a family. a beloved child of one to a perfectly normal grandfather and grandmother. his parents whereabouts didn't bother him, since the devoted care of his grandparents was enough. during his childhood he was spoiled rotten, lavished with gifts due to being the only child. one tragic day, however, changed everything when his grandmother passed away due to unknown causes. despite the horrors of the world, outside their little ranch far away from cities and boats, his grandfather went out to bury his wife where she had asked to be buried.

left all alone, the boy waited for a total of a week before he set off to find his elder. a mistake on his part. while searching desperately for his remaining family, the boy was attacked— someone aimed a hit on his head that knocked him out cold. a swelling bump, oozing of blood, now on his head. this hit made him remember little of his past when he finally awoke on the maw. the images of his family now hazy faces that only became more distorted by the day. while he has no clue who gave him his head injury, it certainly caused escaping the maw to be harder.

( in later loops, the head wound heals and becomes less of a injury— making it easier. but there is still a scar on his head from it )

canon ' the maw ' ( arc one ) ; everything that takes place here is when the runaway boy is within the metal walls of the maw. the sequence of events follows canon closely, with him waking up in the children's room and escaping his prison— roaming the depths and killing the granny with his quick thinking. he's captured by the janitor and briefly encounters the feared heroine six before taken away to be moved to the kitchen. an attempt he easily escapes, though he falls once more back to the bottom. calling upon the nomes to help him, rk finds solace in his only friends when they get the furnace ( or known as the 'heart' of the maw ) started. when he escapes through an elevator, the lady is below him.

finally, the boy is in the lady's quarters. where he fends off from shadow kids with his flashlight and finds the statues needed to escape. he makes the fatal mistake of catching the lady staring at her reflection, however, and this proves to be his end. the moment she catches him, she twists him into a nome and he's destined to waddle off, becoming six's meal like the loop wants him to be.

canon divergent maw. in most threads, the story will become canon divergent as the boy interacts with others aboard the maw ; be it monsters or children. sometimes he will meet the same fate despite his partnerships ; becoming a nome for six to eat. sometimes six doesn't eat him. sometimes the boy in blue actually escapes, or the lady kills him where he stands. these different scenarios occur after the first loop, where stuff starts to alter— slowly, but surely.

canon divergent ' pale city ' ( arc two ) ; entering pale city only occurs if he escapes the maw, be it alone or with a partner. either way, seven ( a name he earned on the maw that he heard whispered about ) typically ends up separated ; isolated and alone in a foreign city. in most loops, it's rare he encounters the hunter considering he starts in pale city— but there have been a few times where he travels to that location and gets caught himself. a consistency, however, is that the boy stumbles upon the school quickly. with a hunger for company, he's easy prey for the bullies. while entering the building, he's relentlessly pranked, harassed, and physically harmed— but he pushes on.

not a solid choice to make considering his persistence and cowardice nature ( he can't bring himself to hurt other children ) is what makes the bullies want to keep him. brought to the teacher, seven is forced to stay. it takes five to six weeks for him to finally wiggle his way out of his hell ; be it alone or because of the help of another. with new scars to carry he keeps off the grid for a good while, avoiding big buildings like the hospital until he needs to treat some festering wounds.

by the time he gets to the doctor's in most loops, six and mono have already taken care of him ( or they're currently in the building when he arrives ) and he's free to only deal with the mannequins. but for the most part, he's in and out fast. being sneaky and cautious makes the hospital scene a little easier for him to handle. there's nothing significant in the building for him, though he does linger in the room with all those markings for the longest time.

in most scenarios, it's rare for seven to make it to the tower or lay eyes on the thin man. by the time he's in the streets again, six has usually dropped mono and repeated the cycle. which results in seven dying from the viewers so he can start back in the maw with six. seven is only freed from the loop when it's broken by six and mono ; forcing him to rely on others for his own fate ( and how messed up is that? )

more canon divergent pale city. when seven's in pale city, a lot of things aren't consistent due to the fact he isn't supposed to make it this far. sometimes he sticks with a partner the whole time, other times he's alone the whole way through. occasionally he sticks with mono and six until after the doctor's area ; typically dying in the collapsing building or, if he's lucky, at the hands of monster six ( again, he dies if the loop is to restart, he can never make it to the end with mono and six unless the loop is going to be broken ).

DUE TO THE LOOP in general, and due to seven mattering little in the grand scheme of things ; there's only some consistencies. his past always remains the same, he's always given the head injury, he awakes on the maw first, kills the granny, and is gifted the companionship of the nomes. sometimes the lady kills him, sometimes she turns him into the very thing he loves so much, and sometimes six eats him. the only thing that remains the same in every loop in pale city is seven being trapped in the school ; everything else changes for the most part.

› › » › ›

seven & six ; a friendship that forms despite it all! his fate is intertwined with six's, being the nome she eats when she's at her starving point. but there's more to them than that— with seven seeing bright yellow and feeling familiarity swirl in his chest. she reminds him of the horrors within the maw, yet six also makes him think of doing the impossible. out of all his companions, six is the one he will have always known the longest— even if he's only known her at a glance before. though it's true that the girl's powers scare him, make him debate her morals even, this doesn't stop the runaway from loving six. he can't quite get pass her powers, or ( if he learns ) the fact she ate him, but he can love her despite it. and he always does. for her sake, he even keeps his feelings on her supernatural aspect quite so he doesn't make her feel bad. also, she's a comfort to him due to their shared experiences in the maw— something that they mostly share alone.

seven & mono ; an unlikely bond that should've never formed ( in the loop's eyes ) but it blooms nonetheless. seven's never hung out with many boys before, so he's very shy and nervous around mono upon first meeting him. his typical cold behavior melts fast as he feels the pathetic urge to impress mono, though he tries to hide this well. they both typically have fun swapping stories about six, both viewing her in a slightly different light— which makes it even more fun to discuss. at first that's all they seem to have to talk about ; six this, six that! seven clings to this conversation topic because he wants to keep talking to mono, but they settle into other topics eventually. forming their own experiences together ( like saving six perhaps ) helps make their bond separate from their one with six. of course, like with their mutual friend, seven is uncomfortable by mono's powers— and would definitely be disgusted by the fact mono becomes the thin man. however, he keeps this to himself again. trying to get over his issues with mono during his own time since he really does like him.

seven & five ; five is the kid that seven never feels threatened by, or envious of. she seems to love the nomes just as much as he does, which is something that will tie him to any child, but she also doesn't have powers ; like mono and six have. that fact comforts him in her presence, knowing that she's ordinary just like him. she made it this far by survival skills alone and he's impressed by this fact, along with being taken with her humourous and determined nature. all in all, the boy quickly relates to her and lets five in, her presence lightening the burden on his shoulders. she makes him laugh and smile harder than most and he quite likes their history with water. these two have a lot of things that glue them together, relating in ways seven can't with most of the other kids.

seven & the nomes ; with little rememberance of his actual family, the nomes have fit together to make him a new one. there's a sense of belonging that tugs him to the nomes, feeling understood and seen by the peculiar creatures. the nomes understand what its like to fail, to never be able to taste the fresh air of new lands. seven sees himself in each of them and, despite the nomes usually not being in any real danger, the boy is fiercely protective of his new family. they know his every thought, constantly spilling his deepest thoughts and secrets to them because it's easier when he knows the nomes can't tell anyone. there's lots of trust in this dynamic, and seven sees himself as one of the nomes.

#* ooc › loitering in my cage #listen i know the 'explaining the loop' part is SUPER MESSY just leave me be #i dont understand the loop and its very hard to make it work for seven so just pretend i like #know what im talking about #basically. seven's fate relies on six and mono. if six lets mono go? sevens gonna die bc he usually needs to be there for six in the maw #im sorry for all the errors this is a bitch to edit so ill just do it later LOL #as for the relationships!!! they can have changes in them obviously. i simply made a base for seven to go off of #ANYWAY!!! this is just my initial thoughts for seven and all that #these might all change in the future !!! this is like...a draft for his bio if anything

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almostscrumptiouspeanut · 3 years

Text

Don't leave me alone

Spencer Reid x Y/N

Fluff!

That morning, when she opened her eyes, she knew exactly what was going to happen. The pounding pain in her temples, the dizziness, the discomfort caused by smells and bright lights, she knew it all led to one thing and one thing only: migraine with aura. She moved slowly, stepping out of the covers and trying to focus the room despite the urgent need to close her eyes and not open them again. Looking down and squinting to avoid too much pain, she blindly searched for the clothes she had picked out the night before. A habit that didn’t particularly belong to her, but one she had allowed herself to convert to after meeting Spencer. She got out of her pajamas calmly, movements slow and calculated: the risk of ending up on the floor because of vertigo was more than present.

Once dressed – grateful to her past self for having decided to organize her clothes for work – she decided it was time to take her medicine. She slowly made her way to the bathroom where she kept her medications, grabbed the bottle of painkillers specific to her migraine, and pulled out a tablet. She took a short time to swallow it, more bothered by the burning she felt at her temples than by the tablet going down her esophagus. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes to gather what little strength she had left to face those hours of work. She knew she could stay at home and ask for days off – being a journalist gave her the opportunity to work from home – but she knew that there, in the dark, alone, she would simply feel worse. If only she’d had someone to keep her company…

If getting out of the covers had seemed like a daunting task, facing the outside world was a suicide mission. Every noise, smell, even the light itself seemed to pierce her skull and plant itself firmly in her brain. She had greeted her colleagues with a small smile, avoiding speaking as much as possible. At that point, she didn’t even know how her voice would come out. Sh just wanted to get through those hours, hold out as long as she could, and then go home and curl up under the covers, patiently waiting for Spencer to return. It wasn’t a habit of hers, waiting for Reid to come home. It was one of her favorite aspects of their relationship: they both had the opportunity to be able to spend time alone.

Of course, Spencer’s motives were more than justified; it wasn’t everyone’s thing to go around psychologically profiling serial killers and arresting them. She understood how demanding and heavy his job was, which is why she had never tried to confront him with the choice: it was either the job or her. Also because she loved her independence, independence that vanished when she was sick. She was aware that hers might seem like quite childish behavior, most likely it was, but she couldn’t help but want so much small attention when she wasn’t at her best, especially when it seemed like her brain was organizing itself to suck out all her lifeblood. She took a few moments to gather her thoughts and return her focus to the present, not rambling off into imaginary worlds. She worked calmly, aware that she had no upcoming deadline, happy to be able to focus her attention on something other than her brain that seemed to be crushed at the inversion. Every once in a while she would hear her mother’s voice booming in her head, “you should have taken your medication earlier,” and she knew that – even if that voice was only in her mind – she was right. She had recognized the warnings the night before. The slightly blurred vision, the unusual tiredness and exhaustion, but she had taken the situation lightly, deciding that instead a few hours of sleep would be more than fine. Result? She felt her head on fire. Bad, very bad sign. In the end she even managed to work for three continuous hours, occasionally taking moments to recover and concentrate. Only during her lunch break – which she had completely forgotten and had been mended by one of her colleagues – did she pick up the phone, having previously decided to use it as little as possible, already forced to focus her gaze on the computer screen. She had unread messages, all of them fairly ignorable, except for the one from Spencer, which as always had caught her attention.

Spence💼

Hi honey, I hope everything is going well at work. I’m going to be late tonight, so many files to fill out.

Part of herself couldn’t deny feeling bad about it. Well, actually she had been completely dejected by that news, but as she always promised herself she would not put pressure on her partner. She answered him quickly, disguising her sadness and mentally thanking her for the opportunity to send messages, knowing that in a few seconds Reid would understand what was going on. The downside of profilers she told himself. She sighed, knowing that when she got home she would collapse on the bed, also because of the medication she had to take.

Maybe she had made a mistake in going to work that day, but in her defense she could say that she was sure Spencer would be there when she returned. On the other hand, she wouldn’t hold it against him, she didn’t want at all that Spencer put her first, ahead of his own work. Rather than blame him, she decided to blame her fate, which often played tricks on her.

She spent her lunch break sitting at her station, munching on some whole grain pretzels that happened to still be in her purse. She wasn’t hungry, hell she didn’t even feel like staying with her eyes open. When her cell phone vibrated on her desk, she jumped in fright, all too used to the silence in the office. When she read the name of the person calling her, she let a tender smile form on her lips: it was her best friend.

“Hey,” she replied, trying to use the most cheerful tone possible.

“Hi sweetie. Are you okay?” she asked immediately, her friend recognizing the forced tone she had used. She took a few moments to clear her throat and try to put the words together to formulate as convincing a sentence as possible. “Sure, everything’s fine. How are you?” diverting attention to another person – Spencer’s voice boomed in her mind – is a sign that highlights an attempt to hide something. She knew it, he knew it well, and her best friend unfortunately knew her better than herself. “Hmm. Did you have a fight with the little genius?” she giggled at the question, more because of the astonished tone her friend had used. She was well aware that she and Reid rarely fought – most of the time it was a silly argument.

“No honey, everything’s fine with my little genius” moments of silence on the other end of the line, so much so that she wondered if she had ended the call.

“You have a migraine, don’t you?” and, heck, how could s even think of hiding anything from her? She sighed, admitting her own defeat. “And okay, yes, I have a migraine attack. But it’s nothing serious, I can handle it,” she repeated, more to convince herself than her friend. “Did you take your meds?” she asked, in an apprehensive mom tone.

“Yes.”

“Have you eaten?”

“Yes…” was a little more hesitant answer this time, but she decided to let it go.

“Are you in the dark in your room?” now that was a question she didn’t want to answer. She decided rather to remain silent, thankful that she was on the phone and not in person, otherwise she would have seen her guilty look. For a moment she seemed to convince himself that well, it’s true that he who is silent consents. Here, it wasn’t working in that case. “…Tell me you didn’t go to work” the tone of reproach was definitely similar to his mother’s, who for a moment wondered if it wasn’t really her on the other side of the line. “Are you fucking serious? You know you have to rest when you’re like this!” then she took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. “I know, but sitting at home doing nothing drives me crazy. I feel… incapable,” she admitted, with an edge to her voice, because she was so ashamed.

Her friend sighed, softening the tone of her voice. “I know, I know honey, I understand. But aren’t you in danger of feeling worse this way?”

“Don’t worry, I can handle it. Besides, it’s only a couple of hours away and I’ll be home,” she tried to reassure her, though the idea of coming home and having to be alone….

“Is Spencer at work?” pretty stupid question, that guy never took days off. “Yes. He…um, he’s going to be late today.”

“He doesn’t know you’re sick” wasn’t a question, it was an observation. “No, but I’m sure when he gets home it will all be gone. I just need the tablets and some rest” hopefully she added mentally.

The conversation closed shortly after, leaving her alone with her own thoughts.

The rest of the working hours passed quickly, or maybe it was just her impression, as she had the urge to go home and curl up under the covers. Which, indeed, she did as soon as she returned. First she turned off her cell phone, exhausted by the hours of constant contact with the computer screen. She quickly undressed, pulling off her skirt and shirt as fast as she could, and then went to fish out what she called “lonely clothes” from her closet.

They were essentially one of her old sweatpants and a shirt that Spencer no longer wore and that she had appropriated. Tucked away in a corner of the closet, she would pull them out when Spencer was away and particularly missed them. She had been careful to hide them, too embarrassed at the idea that Reid might see them. She would never admit it out loud, but she loved wearing that old t-shirt, because in her opinion it still held Spencer’s scent. After taking her own medication-which would also knock out a horse-she snuggled under the covers, hugging the pillow

Spencer used to sleep on.

Another extremely childish habit, but one that gave her a vague sense of companionship. Couldn’t she have her own boyfriend to cuddle her? Then she would simply imagine him, surrounded by his scent. The painkillers took effect in a short time, leaving her finally pain-free and definitely sleepy. In a few moments, she closed her eyes and slipped into a peaceful sleep, where nothing could disturb her. She had always loved her ability to sleep deeply for so many hours, which is why she did not hear the front door open, close, the footsteps of someone approaching the bedroom and reaching her.

She opened her eyes only when she felt a hand resting on her own shoulder, gently shaking her. Still quite foggy from the painkillers, it took her a while to focus on the image of Spencer, probably also due to the darkness that reigned throughout the house.

“Hey,” the voice low and arched from sleep and hours of stubborn silence. In response s had a sweet smile and a tender kiss on his forehead. “Hi honey” whispered, shortly after Spencer, making her smile. She had always enjoyed Spencer’s voice, but when he whispered it literally made her melt with sweetness. What are you doing here? She wanted to ask, but merely enjoyed his company as he slipped under the covers at her side to replace the pillow and hug her tightly. She didn’t ask any questions, just snuggled into his chest and closed her eyes, simply thinking it was all a figment of her own imagination.

She stayed sound asleep for the next few hours, and when she woke up she assumed she had really only dreamed of Spencer at home, because her side of the bed was empty and cold. No one had laid down on that side, at her side. She took a few moments to get out of the stupor brought by the sleep induced by the medicines, then she sat up and reached for the bottle of water she had previously placed on the bedside table, near the bottles of medicines.

“You’re awake” locked in her own world of silence, she jerked when she heard Spencer’s voice, then began to cough violently. Of course, so did the water sideways. Heck, she felt more and more like a silly little girl. She was joined within seconds by her own boyfriend, who knelt down to be at her height and looked at her apprehensively. She lifted a hand to let him know it was okay, as the last few coughs shook her chest. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” he began, Spencer, but was soon stopped. “But what time is it? Shouldn’t you still be at work?” she asked, confused. That she had slept all that time?

“What are you talking about? I came back early, I even woke you up and you fell asleep hugging me,” he reminded her, his brows furrowed and a confused look in his eyes. She took a few moments to connect everything. “I… I thought it was a dream,” she admitted, then smiled shyly at him. Spencer then decided to get up and sit by her side, resting an arm around her shoulders again and letting her rest her head in the crook of his neck. He stayed there stroking her back for a few minutes, cradling her gently. “You should have told me,” he said, then, catching her attention. She lifted her head a few inches to look into his eyes and give him a questioning look.

“That you were having one of your migraine attacks, you should have told me,” she specified, using a tone of mock reproach. “I didn’t want to worry you. By the way, what are you doing home already?”

“I came back early, I can tell. I couldn’t leave you alone in this condition.”

“But who-“ then she paused, realizing that her own best friend had probably spilled the beans to her boyfriend. She collapsed her head against Reid’s chest, sighing. “I was ashamed,” she admitted, after a while. “Of being sick?”

“No. Well, not really. It’s just that when I don’t feel well, especially when I have my migraine attacks I-“ and she paused again, trying to find the right words and not sound like a pathetic child. “You…?” he encouraged her, tightening his grip on her a bit. “When I’m hurting… I just… I like attention.”

“Attention…?”

“Cuddles” she spat out, then hid against Spencer’s chest so he wouldn’t notice the blush on her face. “Hey,” he said, gently lifting her face with his index finger. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be cuddled when you’re sick,” he reassured her, and then brought her fully seated on his lap and hugged her.

He gently kissed her cheeks, first one and then the other, then the tip of her nose – making her giggle – then her forehead, her temples, and finally kissed her full on the lips. “You should have told me sooner,” he whispered softly against her ear, continuing to caress her arms, her back, and kiss her face tenderly. “I felt stupid,” she confessed, clinging to her shirt, crumpling it in her hands.

Spencer immediately raised his head, looking at her as if he had a heresy. “Never. Never say that. You’re the sweetest, smartest person I’ve ever met,” he probably noticed her eyebrow arched, as if to say, “are you sure, Mr. 187 IQ?” Spencer chuckled at her skeptical look, then continued. “You don’t have to be a genius to be smart. I love the way you are, the sweetness with which you welcome me home every time. I couldn’t live without you,” he said, still whispering, and then kissed her softly. A slow kiss, not dictated by passion. “New rule,” he said, when they separated to breathe. She nodded, as if to incentivize him to continue. “Anytime you want to be cuddled, no matter if you’re ashamed, just tell me,” he continued, and then lifted his right hand and raised his little finger. “Promise?” she giggled, then nodded and linked her pinky with his. “Promise.”

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