#it’s basically fucking cocoa powder and water

[jaffacakerebellion]

In your opinion,what are the best eggs to use for baking cakes[I'm trying to bake but I need to learn more]

We only have three types of eggs in the UK- small, medium and large. They're from chickens. I can't really help that much, but that's mainly because the type of eggs you use don't really matter that much- it's how many you use and how you use them.

If you don't have any eggs and you want to bake something, you can either use mashed bananas (1 banana = 1 egg) or aqua faba, aka chickpea water (2 tbsp aquafaba = 1 egg) or blood (1 tbsp blood = 1 egg). I've never used blood in cooking, but I've used aquafaba (which you can even make meringues with), but basically egg is there for structural integrity- it helps the cake/ brownie rise. It's because of the strands of protein.

You don't need eggs in bread because of the number of times you knead the dough; the more you knead it, the more the protein in the wheat (that's what gluten is) activates, forming stronger protein strands giving the bread its' firmer structure that sets it apart from the fluffiness of cake.

If you want a really fluffy cake, you start by creaming the everloving christ out of the sugar and butter. These are your first ingredients in the bowl, and the more air you beat into them, the lighter your mix will look. This air is important to make it fluffy, as the air inside the cake is what really does that, so a lighter butter and sugar mix means a fluffier cake. This is a good time to add vanilla or alcohol or any other colourings or flavourings you want to use. Then, you add pre-beaten eggs to the mix. (if you want cake so fluffy it could just about float away, you'd beat separate the egg whites from the yolks and beat the whites until they're forming soft peaks- you can google a photo of this to see what I mean- then incorporate the yolks to the mix before carefully folding in the whites, but this step isn't strictly necessary). The flour is the last ingredient you add, because stirring it a lot will activate the gluten and make it tougher and less fluffy. Even if you use self-raising flour, add a little baking powder (too much makes it taste weird so just a little) and mix any spices or cocoa powder or whatever with the baking powder and the flour before it goes into the rest of the mix. That should give you the fluffiest fucking cake you've had in your life.

My family recipes:

Cake- equal weights butter, sugar, flour, 'a few' eggs (you'll get the hang of this), 'a little' baking powder (you'll get a feel for this too)

Jam- equal weights fruit to sugar, cooked in a pot, make sure the fruit is ripe enough or it'll taste like sick, the jam is ready when you put a little on a cold plate and it thickens into your regular jam-like consistency. Good recipe for beginners

Crumble topping- weight ratio 1:2:3 flour to sugar to butter/spread. Feel free to use any flour, or even half flour half oats

Biscuits aka cookies- weight ratio 1:2:3 self-raising flour to butter/spread to sugar, and 'enough' eggs. They come out slightly dry in my opinion but I'm not sure what to do about it, working on it atm

Pancakes- eyeball some flour, make a well in it, pour in some milk incrementally, whisk (this will avoid lumps, better with a sauce whisk ngl, and gluten doesn't matter here so whisk to your heart's content), crack in a few eggs, make sure the pan is very hot before you plop it in there. This is an extreme version, but helps you get used to just eyeballing things

feel free to use any of these recipes, and tell me if they work. Also, feel free to ask any other baking questions you have :)

#baking #cooking #eggs #cake #jam #crumble #cookies #biscuits #british cooking #cottagecore #ask #answered #thank you for asking <3 #good luck with your baking :)

[dirt-grub]

Hot chocolate or as I like to call it potion of un-fuck up emotions

#I make it so strong it’s disgusting but I don’t even care #it’s basically fucking cocoa powder and water #like three spoons of it in one cup I might as well eat the fucking powder from the tin #but. it works. sorta #I’m an adult #write as I typed that I fucking slipped and almost fell #I voted in the last election. I could get married if I wanted to. what the fuck #I actually know someone who by the most shady qualifications is an ordained minister LOLLLL #how has nothing killed me yet. how am I here lmfao #most of the time when my irls check in on me that’s what they say is how are you alive lol #and I don’t have an answer my luck is incredible #I once went 72 hours without eating or sleeping. another time I went to an all day serious meeting with the local board of ed #while I had food poisoning and could not stand up straight #I have had too many head injuries to reliably count. my head is like a fucking coconut #I once fell off a bike and down a hill and almost punctured an artery in my leg. my bf at the time had to drag me back up #I lost so much blood my vision was going crazy colors and I just laughed the whole time #he fucking bandaged me up in his bathtub and it looked like a murder scene #I actually broke the life line on my right hand bc of it #no other scarring bc I guess palms don’t scar easy except for that #like yeah I fell and out my hands out and then rolled and something got me right in that behind my knee #like on the inner side #it was a disaster I could not walk right for a while #anyways. uh #what am I talking about #oh yeah me being stupid lol #not to even mention the time I jumped off a bridge which I love to being up bc it was cool #and I am generally not cool just dumb #connor talks

[piratewithvigor]

I Have To Bake A Cake?

A small fic based on the above gif and the following recipe.

Assorted delishiousness and panic below

Kane couldn’t deny he was a little nervous. His experience with food had been sorely limited in the past. Hell, he still sometimes found himself eating like there were rats lurking in the shadows to steal what was his. But this wasn’t a case like that.

This was a cake. As ordered by Vince himself. Or at least through a couple dozen people who couldn’t give him a lot more details than the fact that he was supposed to bake a cake for Monday.

Okay, a cake. How hard could it be?

According to the recipes he dug up, very hard.

He was starting to get overwhelmed just by looking over the plethora of options. Every flavour under the sun, and that was just the cake itself. When combined with frostings and fillings and decorations, there were probably more kinds of cake than he’d had tiny pointless arguments with Daniel.

And that didn’t even change the fact that he hadn’t been told what the cake was for. All these recipes online seemed to indicate specific cakes for specific occasions, but what about when he had no occasion? No hints of any kind? What then, Pinterest mommy bloggers??

Even when he did find a recipe that seemed like it would work, it wasn’t like he had the ingredients for it. He and Daniel had made compromises when they moved in together. Kane could eat all the meat he wanted so he could get enough protein in his diet without having to resort to powders that made him gag, but in exchange, he’d put up with Daniel’s vegan substitutes for pretty much anything else. No animal milk and no eggs.

Which seemed to be the two staples for pretty much every recipe.

He was half tempted to just give up, retire and run away to parts unknown to escape the hellish task when a recipe offered itself. A plain chocolate cake. Nothing fancy about it whatsoever. Except for the fact that it offered substitutions. No animal based ingredients of any kind. And even shit he had. If he wasn’t so loyal to Daniel, Kane felt like he could have kissed the mommy blogger in question.

With Kane’s penchant for burning things, he usually left the more delicate cooking to Daniel. Baking was especially out of his wheelhouse, but he wasn’t one to let down whoever needed this cake. Nor whoever was supposed to eat it. It would just take a little remembering where Daniel kept everything in the kitchen and a little learning on the fly. No problem at all.

Step one was to preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Kane liked this recipe already. The little extra heat in the kitchen set him at ease. It was like a nice hug.

The stand mixer, on the other hand, was like a chihuahua on cocaine. It was loud, it was fast, and it made every ingredient he added to the bowl explode in a tiny cloud. Explosions were for the ring; not for a tiny machine that Julia fucking Child could use.

3 cups flour? Poof. 3 cups sugar? Poof. 1 ½ cups cocoa powder? 1 ½ teaspoons of baking powder and salt? 1 tablespoon baking soda? Poof, poof and a relatively underwhelming lesser poof (he later read the recipe more closely and noted that it said a ‘low speed’. Go figure.)

The 1 ½ cups of warm water (warmed literally by hand), ½ cup vegetable oil and 2 teaspoons of vanilla were much less exciting. It was starting to look more like cake batter and less like a slightly murky pile of powder, which set Kane a little more at ease.

But then came the chemistry.

Kane liked chemistry, usually. Liked reading about how different chemicals went together and caused what. The only difference was that he was usually in the wheelhouse of combustions. Making things explode. Making dairy-free buttermilk was not a combustion. And if it was, it wasn’t supposed to be.

He had the choice of 1 ½ cups of almond or soy milk as a substitution to be combined with 2 far-too-delicately added tablespoons of vinegar. The funk coming from the measuring cup within the next few minutes was… interesting to say the least. Not quite “Daniel’s casserole that was basically all sprouts” or “the time Taker wouldn’t say what he had barbecued” funky, but not something pleasant. How it wasn’t going to ruin the cake, Kane wasn’t sure, but the picture in the recipe looked delicious, so he’d have to trust the crazy mommy blogger for the time being.

The egg substitute made a little more sense. Eggs were gooey and yellow and so was the cup of applesauce he added. Plus it smelled a lot better than the buttermilk.

The second beating was a lot less exciting. No added mess onto himself and almost none onto the counter. Once the batter was smooth, all that was left was somehow getting it all into the pans he’d dug out of the cabinet.

Somehow, the sticky, gooey batter was going to have to make the seamless transition between stand mixer (fuck that thing) and pans that would move just out of the incoming dollop of batter like there was some kind of spirit just hanging around to fuck with him. He wouldn’t put it past the spirit. Wasn’t much to do in the afterlife besides fuck with the living.

A quick lighting of the incense stick Taker had given him seemed to do the trick. Or maybe it calmed his nerves and he stopped jostling the pan. Whatever the case, he made the successful transition from bowl to the three 9” pans and only lost a little batter in the process. They might end up a little wonky, but he planned to fix it with some of the vegan frosting Daniel kept in the back of the fridge where he thought Kane wouldn’t know about it (the man would buy and eat frosting for no reason other than to eat it and pretend immediately after that he’d never eaten frosting in his life, regardless of how much was still in his beard).

35 minutes later, the toothpick he stuck into the middle of each pan was coming out completely clean. Hardly even any crumbs.

He was pulling out the pans as he heard the front door open and Daniel walk in.

“Kane, you here?”

“In the kitchen,” he called back, kicking the oven door shut.

“Kitchen? Isn’t it a little early for dinn- what the fuck are you doing?” Daniel asked, blinking a few times as he paused in the doorway.

“Cake?” He’d been feeling certain about it thus far, but hearing Daniel’s confusion led him to wonder if the cake was supposed to be common knowledge.

“What’s the occasion for cake?”

“Dunno. Vince told me to bake it.”

“A cake?”

“Well… yeah, obviously a cake.”

“He told you to bake a cake?”

“He told John, who told Sheamus, who told Kofi, who told Big Show, who told-”

“Yeah, yeah, I get that, but what were the actual words?”

“‘On Monday, bake a cake.’”

“This Monday?”

“I think so.”

Daniel took a pause and inhaled deeply. “This Monday, when Raw begins at eight? As in, 8pm?”

It was Kane’s turn to pause and look towards his lover with a furrowed brow. “Are you telling me I spent the afternoon baking a cake that wasn’t actually needed?”

“Looking like it.”

Kane wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or drop kick the cakes. He settled for a scream into one of the throw pillows they kept on the kitchen chairs. One so eerie and heartbreaking that Daniel wasn’t sure if he should even touch Kane or what exactly was going to happen after he lifted his face from the pillow. Whatever he was waiting for, it certainly wasn’t laughter. Or a grin from underneath his mask with his eyes dancing.

“Break out the frosting, Danny boy, we’re eating good tonight.”

#Kane #Kane bakes a cake and stuff happens #Writing #this is total crack fluff #and I'm hungry

[totallynotpuri]

you’re wrong about cold chocolate but i’ll forgive you

You know, as a kid, my house didn’t have cocoa powder, so whenever the school gave cartoons of chocolate milk, I would put it in my bookbag and bring it home. I would then heat up the milk in a lil saucepan and drink it during winter and feel like the most american little girl in the world.

And then I had packet hot chocolate and oh my fuck it’s so bad, it’s so fucking bad, even in milk it was the most pathetic shit.

And then I started making my own hot chocolate, and it was still kinda shit.

And then I added ice cubes to it.

Key, my friend, have you ever held a cold cup of hot chocolate in your hands? Felt the condensation roll down the mug as you brought the watered down chocolate to your lips as you drunk what is, basically, just chocolate flavored water?

Is that what you want when you drink cold hot chocolate Key? Chocolate flavored water? A drink that is no better than putting cocoa powder into water? Like a whisper of chocolate on your tongue?

I am not wrong about cold chocolate

#/lh for all of this #sorry if it came off as rude ^^; #it just unlocked a very ancient memory #from when I was a wee lass #the toast box #heyo key!

[equalseleventhirds]

right, absolutely no one asked, but here’s how to make proper champorado (at least the way my family makes it), bcos the babish man made some in this video and, while it probably tastes really, really good, it will not taste like champorado. you fool. where did u even find that recipe.

SO, first things first: rice. in the video he specifies sticky, sushi, or arborio rice, and while all of those would make this recipe fuck so hard, what you usually want is... rice. any rice. whaddaya got? use it. you are not making a special trip to the store for special rice for this, do you think we are made of money? tbh very often you use leftover cooked rice from dinner or w/e the night before, it cooks up just fine and is less wasteful this way! (ok fine, traditionally it is made with malagkit, which is in fact sticky rice! and it is MUCH better that way. but! sticky rice costs more, at least here in the usa, so very often my family just used plain rice, and often leftover white rice. bcos you CAN use it, and it will! turn! out! fine!!)

boil up some water; if using uncooked rice, i’d say about double the water you’d use to cook it? triple it if you want. how much liquid do u want in ur champorado, go for it. but definitely lots, bcos we want to make the rice soft & pudding-y. if you’re using precooked rice, just like, idk, cover it in water? lil more? it’s not a measuring thing u do what Feels Right, and actually it’s a pretty forgiving recipe and you can always add more water if it’s too dry, and cook it longer (for even pudding-y-er rice!) if it’s too wet.

boil the water and the rice together. let it boil for like, 10-15 minutes? less for cooked rice. u kno, until the rice is just starting to get soft. then you add chocolate.

the best chocolate for champorado is tablea! it’s traditional! it’s also probably easier to get than fancier chocolate in the philippines. if you aren’t in the philippines and can’t get tablea, you want unsweetened baking chocolate. basically you want it solid, you want it unsweetened, you want it made entirely of chocolate and nothing else. i... guess you could use cocoa powder, but tbh you don’t get the full and proper chocolate experience that way. comes out too light. not enough fat. no good at all.

anyway, dump Several Pieces in there. for like a cup of uncooked rice i think it’s like four pieces of tablea? and those r big, so like. just a whole bar of baking chocolate. you know you want to. stir it around to melt the chocolate. it’s fun to watch the swirls, and also you can keep an eye on how dark it’s getting and add more chocolate if you want it darker. (or i guess if ur a Coward u can add one piece at a time and have control over it or w/e.)

continue cooking! let it all boil!! you know it’s done when it’s all gooey and the rice is so so soft, like rice pudding soft or even softer!

add some sugar just at the end, stirring until it’s dissolved. not too much bcos lolo is diabetic and eats a small bowl without much sugar, so the kids will have to just spoon some extra sugar into their bowls and eat it slightly grainy. like adding sugar to oatmeal. (or, if you are an adult and in charge of your own life, add as much sugar as YOU like to the pot, and get it nice and dissolved.) then take it off the heat!

ladle champorado into bowls, but do not eat it yet!! grab a can of evaporated milk! (my family always did evaporated, some ppl do condensed, i’ve heard ppl even using coconut milk, but like, milk out of a can. u don’t use much fresh cow’s milk in filipino cooking, probably bcos there’s not so many cows in the philippines as america.) punch two holes in the lid, one on either side, and pour some milk on top of your champorado bowl. (the small holes instead of just opening it all the way are to keep the milk from pouring too fast; having two holes makes it pour easier, i think one is just for air to release pressure? anyway pour ur milk out of only one of the holes. be sensible.) you can fully mix it in, but i like to let it sit on top and then sip a couple of spoonfuls of milk with chocolate bits in before i mix it and eat it.

now you can eat! or you can get some tuyo and then eat!!

#food blogging #i have EXTREMELY strong opinions on champorado and this white man did it incorrectly #also i usually prefer tuyo with vinegar but like. some ppl like it with champorado. who am i to judge. #filipinos will see sweet food and put salty things on it. fact of life.

[glacecakes]

Revenge is Sweet but You're Sweeter

Andrew kidnaps Hugo to get back at Varian.

Warning for blood, torture, general violence. Nothing too graphic. GOD THIS TOOK FUCKING FOREVER TO GET OUT. Basically my cat had a cancer scare and my depression is at an all time high so I was unable to get anything done. I wasn't happy with this fic for most of it until I sat my ass down and said I Will Finish This If It Kills Me. I'm still not THRILLED with this piece but it's finished and fuck it it's done i'm DONE I HAVE DEADLINES.

-

Hugo’s vision blurred into existence after a few blinks. As far as he could tell, he was trapped in some old barn, arms trapped behind his back. He flexed, tugging at the restraints on his hands. The ropes burned his wrists, but they didn’t budge. His legs scrambled in an attempt to stand, but it didn’t work, and he was stuck still on the floor. His eyes scanned the vicinity, trying to gauge his surroundings.

“What the…” he mumbled. His eyes blinked asynchronously as he struggled to focus.

How the heck did this even happen?

The last thing Hugo remembered was that he was talking to Nuru and Yong, sharing some hot cocoa while Varian got some more firewood. They were talking about Varian’s unusually anxious behavior as of late. He was already an anxious guy, but ever since he got a letter from home, he’d been a wreck. He started looking over his shoulder constantly and even sleeping with a weapon by his side. And anytime any of the three asked, Varian would abruptly change the subject.

“What if we all asked him about it? Like, at once?” Yong asked.

Hugo bit his lip. If he were in Varian’s position, he wouldn’t want to spill. He doesn’t want his position compromised, and Varian likely didn’t want the same done to him.

That’s what he told himself, anyway. He definitely did not have a crush on Varian and wanted to keep Varian as close as possible for as long as possible.

He moved to object, but Nuru and raised her mug in agreement.

“When he gets back, we’ll confront him. Something’s bothering him, and we’re his friends. We only want to help.”

Help, or bother? To Hugo it felt like they were too nosy for their own good, and were excusing it as concern. But hey what did he know. Not like he had many friends before them. He’d thrown back the cocoa in quiet acceptance, said goodnight to the others… and now…

Moonlight filtered in through the barn’s broken windows and decaying roof, seeping into every crack and filling the room with shadows.

A shadow from which a man stepped out.

His hair was slightly greasy, yet kept in an immaculate bun. A long, well-groomed beard did little to hide the feral grin on his face. He sauntered across creaking floors, circling around the teen like a shark. He carried a sword which left imprints on the floorboards,

Hugo puffed his chest up in defense. He wasn’t going to be intimidated by this… kidnapper? Assailant? Whatever he was he looked like a jerk.

“Finally you’re all awake. I was worried I’d used too much.”

“Too much?”

“Sleeping powder. Just sprinkled it into your water supply when you weren’t looking. Child’s play, really.” The man laughed, resuming his pacing.

Hugo cursed internally. He let his guard down and paid the price. Being with the trio of hooligans he called friends made him soft, as Donella would’ve said. How long had this man been following them? How long had he waited to strike, judging them and gauging every opportunity, deciding that tonight was perfect to attack mere teens? He just hoped the other three were safe.

Wait, no. Don’t think that. Remember Hugo, you don’t care about them. They’re a means to an end.  

As Hugo’s eyes adjusted to the dim barn, he began to notice more silhouettes creeping in the dark. They slowly joined their comrade, as if summoned. They were of varying shapes and sizes, age and creed. They were dressed too poorly to be bounty hunters, looking more like weary travellers. Further back, near a large hole in the barn roof, was a hot air balloon. It was likely how the teen was transported here. A floorboard splintered under the largest man’s weight.

“Who are you?” Hugo barked. “What do you want with me?”

“You mean your friend never mentioned us?” A short woman asked, stepping up to him and patting his head in mock sympathy. “You poor sheep, travelling with a wolf.”

He recoiled at her touch, nose scrunching up and eyes screwing shut. Her hot breath tickled the strands of hair on his neck.

“We are the separatists of Saporia. I’m the leader, Andrew.” The man bowed. “I hope you don’t mind that we… borrowed you for the evening?”

Ah, Saporia. Something about rebels against Corona, right? Varian had mentioned them in passing once. His face had screwed into pure disgust at seeing a crest painted on a wall in Bayagnor.

“Pricks,” He’d muttered, throwing a goo bomb to destroy the paint.

Likely this guy had beef with Donella, which meant it was up to Hugo to get himself out of here safely. He wondered what she did to earn this anger.

“Yea sure, love getting kidnapped by washed up Coronans,” Hugo snapped, bracing for the inevitable smack that followed. The other kidnappers laughed at his pain. He’d seen this scenario many times under Donella. Sometimes he was the victim, sometimes he was the instigator. But it always worked the same. Those who tried to play the hero, those who tried to resist, they always got the worst of the treatment.

Sure enough, Andrew snapped his fingers, and his cronies descended.

“Hope you don’t mind, we have to… prepare you for our guest of honor.”

-

How long did he sit there, taking hit after hit? They were never intense, rather a series of mildly painful blows that built up over time. Andrew refused to let his compatriots hurt him too much.

“He needs to stay alive and intact.” He said. “Save the broken bones for our dear old friend.”

That didn’t stop any of it from hurting. It didn’t stop the blood that trickled down his nose from a particularly nasty punch, nor the stinging of Andrew’s knife across his back. One eye was beginning to swell shut, and his ribs, while not broken, still ached from repetitive kicks. Individually, it was nothing Hugo couldn’t handle. But combined, the wounds were starting to wear him down.

He never let it show though. If his tormentors got wind of his breaking will, they’d mock him to no end. He had to keep his chin up and show he was better than them. That’s what Don taught him, anyway. Either play up the child act and gain their pity, or stay determined. But above all, never give away information.

He never played hero normally. But then again, he was usually the youngest, the favorite. Donella would let heads roll if her cronies let Hugo suffer when they could take the hit. It was her way of showing she cared, in a twisted way.

In this scenario, he had to be the hero. There would be no sympathy shown, there hadn’t been so far. No, he’d have to figure this out on his own. Yong and Nuru could come save him, sure, but he didn’t want them to risk it. Not that he cared about them or anything! It was just… they were likely to fail. Right?

Oh who was he kidding. Hugo didn’t want to get the others involved.

Responsiblity sucked. How does Varian do it?

BANG!

“ANDREW!”

Speak of the devil.

The door to the barn was blasted open, revealing Varian filled with a fury the likes of which the other had never seen. His eyes were wild, pupils like pin pricks. He rapidly scanned the area, softening only slightly when he saw Hugo was alive, only to reignite to even further anger when he saw Hugo’s current state. His chest rose and fell with rapid breaths, indicating he ran here.

Andrew spread his arms wide, greeting Varian like he was visiting for dinner, as opposed to holding his friend hostage. “You made it! I was worried you didn’t get my message.”

Varian held up a piece of paper. The words were impossible to make out from afar, but the implications sent shivers down the spine. “I got your note.” He growled, crumpling the paper in one hand and tossing it to the floor. “Now what do you want?” His voice was venom.

It sounded a lot like Donella, in Hugo’s opinion.

Andrew’s companions slinked ever closer, forming a semi circle behind the prisoner, while Andrew saunted up close to Varian.

To say Hugo was shocked was an understatement. He’d never seen raw fury like that from the normally awkward and intelligent alchemist. And apparently he knew this guy, which meant it was not about getting revenge on Donella.

What had Varian done to get himself an enemy like this?

“Oh come on, I can’t say hi to an old friend?”

“We are not friends. ”

“We were, at some point.” Andrew hummed, wrapping an arm around Varian. “Such a shame. And I think you know what I want.” The younger was as tense as a stone. He sent a death glare up at the man and didn’t answer the question.

He patted Varian’s cheek condescendingly. It was a facsimile of the constant, warm touches of home. Varian wanted to throw up.

Varian grit his teeth, shoving Andrew off and backing up towards his friends. A hand slipped into his pocket, preparing to throw down a bomb, but one of the goons surged forward. His broad muscles pinned Varian to the floor, cheek falling with a loud smack. The bomb rolled across the floor.

He flailed his feet, akin to a rabid animal, but it was no use. The man drug Varian to the wall where previously unnoticed shackles glinted in the moonlight. Each cuff was wrapped around Varian’s wrists. He pulled, able to get about a meter away from the wall, but that was as far as it let him.

"Oh come on," Andrew said, circling around Varian like a snake ready to swallow its prey. "You act like you’re all mature now, but I’ve seen the real you. Deep down, you're still the same naive, evil brat I met in prison."

Prison? When did Varian go to prison?

Varian's body shook with fury. "I am nothing like you." He growled.

"Are you sure about that? Didn't you do the same thing I did?" He fiddled with a knife, getting into Varian's personal space and dragging the weapon down Varian's cheek. "We both wanted something, so we kidnapped the one our target holds dear. And we both threatened to kill them if they didn't cooperate."

Hugo felt his insides turn to ice.

“I want,” Andrew whispered, leaning up to Varian’s face, hot breath ghosting across his cheeks. “For you to suffer.”

Varian met his friend’s gaze, and his body shook with barely hidden disgust. He’d let Andrew hurt the ones he loved once before, he’ll be damned if he lets it happen again. From the looks of it though, he was too late. Guilt and anger bubbled in his stomach like a volcano.

“Don’t worry, goggles,” Hugo said, keeping his voice steady. “I’ve had way worse. Trust me, it’s like kitten scratches.”

Varian’s eyes twinkled with unshed tears, yet he smiled, bunny teeth peeking out from between his lips. “You look like shit.” A faint blush spread across his cheeks. Even now, covered in bruises and blood, Hugo still managed to take Varian’s breath away.

If we get out of this, he vowed to himself, I’m going to tell him how I feel.

For a brief moment, he glanced down at his hands, and then back up at Hugo. The older teen followed with his eyes and allowed a small smile.

A bobby pin.

He put his hands behind his back, to prevent anyone from seeing.

Distract him, Varian mouthed.

How? Hugo hissed back.

Varian shrugged. The older alchemist rolled his eyes.

“Hey Andy, was it?” Hugo raised his head to stare Andrew down. He let a familiar facade slide into place. “Ya mind explaining why I’m here?”

Varian’s eyes widened, and he banged his head against the wall in frustration. Not like that! He thought.

“Like I get that he’s here to suffer or whatever,” He raised his eyebrows to imitate quotation marks. “But uh. I don’t get why you need me. Maybe I’m just not smart enough to understand your plan.”

It was a cheap shot, appealing to the ego, but it did the trick. Andrew seemed like the type to gloat and monologue, and sure enough, he slunk across the room towards Hugo, a pep in his step.

“See, it’s quite simple, really. Varian here… well. He hurt us a while back.” Varian rolled his eyes, but made no comment. With the attention off of him, he picked at the lock. The soft clinks of the metal were easily ignored.

“For a while, I thought that if I ever saw him again, I’d make good on my promise, and splatter his body on the ruins of Corona.”

“Yea good luck with that last bit.” Hugo rolled his eyes. “So what, I was just bait?”

“Oh no,” Andrew’s grin was near maniacal. “We figured death was too light of a punishment. No. If there’s one thing the kid never shut up about, it’s family. Oh, I love my dad, ooh I can’t wait until we find a way to free him, ooh those darn royals tore my family apart blah blah blah. So what better torture…”

He slashed Hugo’s cheek with the knife. Blood oozed out the cut as Hugo hissed in pain. From the corner of his eye he saw Varian flinch, arms shaking as he tried to pick the locks faster.

“...Than to force him to watch us kill the ones he loves most?”

The word love and Hugo were not commonly used together, let alone when talking about Varian. And yet… Hugo’s stomach fluttered at the idea. He was a loved one? It seemed almost impossible, but he could see the frantic energy Varian exuded as he tried to work as quietly and discreetly as possible.

No, he probably just means friend… right?

What if he doesn’t, a traitorous voice whispered. What if it’s exactly what you think it means?

He couldn’t help it. “Varian?” He asked, voice soft.

The younger alchemist gave him a sheepish smile, hiding his hands behind his back.

A mental war was raging in Varian’s head. Every fiber of his being screamed to save Hugo, go to him, protect him, but he couldn’t do that while cuffed. The only way to save Hugo was to keep the attention off himself and solely on Hugo. He couldn’t let Andrew see what he was doing.

“Aw, how sweet,” Andrew crooned. He leveled the sword and Hugo’s chin, redirecting his gaze. His soft expression morphed into a scowl of defiance.

With the sword still at his jaw, Andrew shoved his fist into Hugo’s stomach. The wind was knocked out of him, but Hugo kept his head steady. Any sudden movements could mean he bled out.

Varian let out a whine.

He had to focus.

After a few more seconds, the first cuff was open.

“Trying to play it cool, huh?” Andrew stood to his full height, dropping the sword. He loomed over Hugo and grit his teeth. The man was no longer in a playing mood. He wanted Varian to suffer, and by god the kid was gonna suffer sooner rather than later.

He raised his boot, and slammed the toe into Hugo’s face with a crunch . His glasses cracked on impact. His head hit the wooden beam with enough force to rattle his skull.

Andrew gripped his neck and squeezed. The air escaped Hugo in a rush and he moaned in protest.

Varian couldn’t suppress the scream that pushed its way out. The still intact chain rattled with his tugs.

“Andrew please,” His voice shook on the second word. “Let him go. It’s me you hate.”

“Did you not listen? You’re a smart kid, Varian. I’m going to kill him, and then I’m going to kill everyone else you love. ” His fingers tightened around Hugo’s neck, and he turned back to the older teen.

Hugo’s vision was darkening. “Varian,” He wheezed.

The second cuff snapped off.

And Varian lunged.

With an inhuman cry, he toppled Andrew, sending the man sprawling onto the floor. They rolled onto the floor until Varian was on top. Quick as a flash, he grabbed the discard sword and put it to Andrew’s neck.

Hugo gasped for breath, coughing as sweet air filled his lungs. He blinked the dark spots out of his eyes.

The other Saporians ran to help their leader, but faltered at the sword.

“Stay back!” Varian screamed. He pushed it deeper into Andrew’s neck, nearly drawing blood. “Release him!” He ordered. “Let Hugo go or I kill him right here, right now!”

“You wouldn’t,” Andrew snarled. Varian’s glare pierced his very soul, and the furious teen smacked him across the face.

Damn that felt good.

The last time Varian had been this angry… god, it might’ve been when he was 14. When he saw how happy Rapunzel was with her family, while his own suffered, while he withered away and turned to ash.

The Saporians were quick to obey, one of the taller men untying Hugo. He slid down the pole, grabbing at his throat with his now free hands. His wrists were stained red with ropeburn.

Slowly, he stood to his feet on shaky legs, leaning against the pillar for support.

Satisfied, Varian turned back to Andrew, who was smiling.

“What are you so happy about?” the alchemist hissed.

Andrew laughed. “You really haven’t changed a bit.”

Varian’s eyes narrowed. He slammed the hilt of the sword into Andrew’s head, and the man fell unconscious. He stood off of him.

The other separatists did nothing. They knew what he was capable of. Without any leverage, without their leader, it was a losing battle. Especially now that Hugo was free.

Pointing the sword at the Saporians, he said, “Next time, I won’t let you guys go alive.” He slammed it down into the floorboards with a huff.

“Now get out of my sight.”

-

The walk back to the campsite was quiet for the most part.

Hugo was leaning on Varian heavily, one arm wrapped around Varian’s neck and the other clutching at his waist. Everytime he staggered or tripped, Varian’s grip tightened ever so slightly.

His eyes were stone cold, but never directed at Hugo. If he saw Hugo looking, Varian’s eyes softened, glittering under the stars. It was nearing daybreak. The smoke from their campsite was now visible.

The tents came into view, and Hugo’s entire form sagged in relief. He was so ready to drop into bed and not wake up for 12 hours, but he needed medical care.

Nuru and Yong had long gone to bed, blissfully unaware of what had transpired. The next hour was quiet as well, Varian silently tending to the most serious ones. It was a tender moment, their own little world. A bubble that would be broken by speaking. So for now, Hugo was silent. He let Varian dab at the blood under his nose, let him remove his glasses for safekeeping, let his breath trail over Hugo’s cheeks as they both blushed.

At last, the worst was over.

“So…” Hugo finally said. “That was… something.”

Varian snorted. “Understatement.”

“We gonna talk about what just happened? Any of it?”

“Which parts do you want to talk about?”

Hugo hummed. “I mean I’d like to know what the fuck that guy was…” Varian turned green. “But not right now.”

Varian breathed a sigh of relief. “Then, what?”

Hugo bit his lip, preparing for the worst. “You love me…?”

“Oh…” Varian’s face lit up bright red. His eyes averted, looking anywhere but Hugo. “I-I mean… maybe not love… not yet at least. Not that I hate you! No, I…” He winced. “I… like you. A lot.” He moaned. “That was the worst confession ever please stab me now.”

Hugo laughed. He couldn’t help it. After everything that had happened today, from kidnapping to torture to this , it was so overwhelming and horrible and also so perfect.

“How about, instead of that…” He said. “I uh… say I feel the same? Not love yet, I don’t think but… if you wanna try and get to that point?”

The sun rose behind Varian as he smiled. “I’d like that a lot.”

#tangled #varian #tangled the series #varigo #varian and the seven kingdoms #varian and the seven kingdoms au #hugo the human #tts #tts varian

[abused-sides]

Looking [Roommates AU]

Trigger warning: This au follows most of the sides in the aftermath of surviving abuse (domestic, parental, etc). In this particular fic it’s only implied, but it’s an instrumental part of the story and if that bothers you, then please not only scroll past this fic, but block my blog as well.

More tws: Homelessness, homeless shelters, sleeping outside, paranoia, house-bound, anxiety/overwhelmed, malnourishment, let me know if i missed anything 

Genre: ??? Virgil escapes and Patton interviews him to move in 

Ships: Endgame romantic intruloceit, romantic prinxiety, queerplatonic royality

Wc: 2541 

A/N: I promise I’m getting to your prompts I love you guys

Virgil laid flat on his back, eyes fixed on the familiar water stain on the ceiling. 

It’d been there since he moved in, three years ago. He hadn’t noticed it right away, instead focused on exploring all the rooms, thrilled about all the space he would have. He wished the house was smaller— Wished they lived in an apartment. He certainly would have more free time. 

There were four spots in the house Virgil hid the money, and he never visited the same one too often. One was tucked inside an empty spray bottle with all of his cleaning stuff, under the kitchen sink. One was slipped between the bedspring and the mattress, on Virgil’s side. He’d never felt a lump or anything, but he was terrified his boyfriend would somehow feel it in his sleep and find the stash. 

Another was hidden in a plant pot under Virgil’s favourite window, buried under the dirt in a plastic bag. The last was tucked into Virgil’s wallet, which he hadn’t touched in three years. No need for a wallet when you don’t leave the house, and your boyfriend pays for everything with his card. 

His boyfriend had been gone for hours. He’d be gone for several more. Virgil wasn’t sure why he hadn’t left yet, why he did his daily chores and then just laid there, hoping the water stain would grow and spread and swallow the entire house. 

He wouldn’t get another chance like this. Not for years, probably. It was the exact opportunity he’d been waiting for. 

So why couldn’t he do it?

He squeezed his eyes shut as they welled with tears. He imagined his boyfriend getting home with his gifts and false compassion, imagined having to spend another several years as his property, with his dull life of cleaning and not much else. 

He pushed himself off the ground and headed for the window that looked out the front yard. He dug under the daisy growing in the pot, spilling dirt all over the immaculate carpet, ripping up its roots and petals, and grabbed the first stash. 

Once he started, he couldn’t stop. He flew through the house to grab all the money and put his backpack together, and then skidded to a stop in front of the door. He swallowed. He was going to throw up. 

He reached blindly for the coatrack, his fingers wrapping around the soft fabric of his boyfriend’s hoodie. He pulled it on and threw the door open. He didn’t think to close it as he stepped out onto the drive, almost disassociating. All he’d felt under his feet for three years was carpet and tile and hardwood. He hopped off the driveway into the grass, and then the sidewalk, and then the road. 

He took in a shuddering breath, pulled his hood up, and ducked his head as he headed for the nearest train station. 

The ticket stole most of his money, but it didn’t matter. As long as he got to the city, he would be fine. He could figure it all out from there. 

He sat alone on the train, wanting desperately to sleep but instead sitting straight up, never resting from his constant patrol. A lady sitting across from him at one point offered to buy him something to eat, but he refused. 

The train stopped in the city’s station close to midnight. Despite him saying he didn’t need any help, the lady guided his shaky self down the steps, and patted his back. 

“Where are you headed?” 

Virgil swallowed. “Um…”

“Do you… Have family in the city?”

He shook his head. He didn’t know where his parents were. 

“Here, let me see your arm.” 

Virgil was hesitant, but carefully rolled his sleeve up. The cool tip of her Sharpie scribbled over his pale skin for a moment, and when she finished, she’d mapped out the directions to a few homeless shelters. 

“They should be able to help you if you don’t have anyone else,” she said. “They can feed you, too. You should eat.”

Virgil’s face turned red. “Okay. Uh, thank- Thank you. Thanks.”

She smiled and squeezed his shoulder, and then she was on her way. 

Virgil spent the next few weeks hopping around homeless shelters. Most of them only allowed a few days’ stay at a time, and he was forced out after breakfast early in the morning. Occasionally, he had to find alternative places to sleep, resorting to behind closed stores, alleyways, fire escapes— Anything he could find and be relatively certain he wouldn’t be caught. 

Most days spent in the city were unproductive. He was overwhelmed, not sure what he wanted, what choices he even had. The stark difference of the empty house he spent three days in, the loudest sounds being traffic outside or his music, to plunging himself deep in the middle of something that was constantly alive, constantly busy, was… 

Overwhelming. 

He was at a cafe, his current favourite place in the city because they let him stay as long as he wanted and gave him free water, when he saw the ad. 

THREE ROOMMATES (MALE) LOOKING FOR FOURTH 

The three of us are currently struggling to make rent, and we have a spare bedroom. Rent would be approximately $575/month. Two of us work from home, and they’re very loud. One of them only works from home part-time. 

Attached was a phone number to call for an interview. 

Virgil asked the girl behind the counter to borrow her phone, and dialled the number with shaking hands. 

“Hello?” 

“H-Hi.” Virgil cleared his throat as his voice broke. “Um, I saw your ad?” 

“Oh! Awesome! When are you free for an interview?”

“Any time, but…” He swallowed. “I’m… I’m just a little, uh, short. I only have about $490 left. But- But if I just had a place to stay, I could-”

“Hey!” The boy sounded concerned. “Hey, hey, calm down. We can still do the interview! Everyone here is struggling, we get it. Besides, you’re our third applicant, and the other two are… Not favourable. So if you nail the interview, and we don’t get too many more applicants, I’ll try to convince my roommates. Where have you been staying?”

Virgil hesitated. “Kind of, um, all over the place. The- The shelters, mostly.” 

“Hmm,” he hummed gravely. “Okay, are you free in an hour? I’m home, so if you want to bang out the interview today, we can!” 

Virgil’s eyes widened. “Really? Uh- Yeah. Yeah, I can get there. Um, what’s the address?” 

When he arrived at the apartment complex, he wanted to throw up and go back to the shelter. Images of Patton laughing at him, or harassing him, or attacking him were the mildest thoughts to run through his head. 

But this was his best option. 

He knew that. 

He had to go inside. 

He took in a shuddering breath. He had to go inside. 

He walked inside. 

Virgil was afraid of elevators, so he took the stairs, only half procrastinating. Patton and his roommates lived on the fourth floor. By the time he arrived, his thighs burned and he was a little out of breath. He looked down at himself and cringed— He was so skinny, mostly just bones, and pale. He looked like he crawled out of a cave. He wore his boyfriend’s now dirty hoodie and jeans that hadn’t been washed in a week. 

How the fuck was he supposed to land this interview? 

He forced himself to push forward, though, and when he knocked, he barely heard it. The door flew open and Virgil barely managed not to jump back. The boy on the other side had golden-brown skin and big, round green eyes. His dark hair fell in messy curls over his forehead. His apron, covered in flour and cocoa powder, followed the swell of his round belly. 

“Hi!” He stuck his hand out. “Virgil? I’m Patton!” 

Virgil shook his hand with a loose grip and stepped inside when gestured. Patton pointed out the table while he hung up his apron, and Virgil nervously lowered himself into one of the old, chipped wooden chairs. Patton came to sit across from him with a warm smile and a sheet of paper. 

“Okay, so I just have a few questions!” He said cheerily. “Don’t let yourself get too nervous, this is hardly formal, I promise.” 

Virgil nodded. 

“Okay! First question: How long would you be staying?”

Virgil blinked. “Uh… I’m not- I’m not really sure. As long as possible, I guess. Until I get back on my feet and some time after that, if you all are still here.” 

Patton scribbled his answer down. “What do you like to do in your free time?” 

Virgil spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking about that question. Did cleaning count as free time? No, that was basically his job. Better refer to it as such. He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans and stumbled out, “Well, uh, I guess- I guess I listen to music a lot. I gardened sometimes with, you know, those tiny plant boxes?” 

He gasped, and for a terrifying second, Virgil thought he’d somehow offended him. But then Patton pointed to the right, into the living room. Along the sill of the huge window were several of the exact planter boxes Virgil’s boyfriend bought for him. 

“That’s awesome!” Patton gushed. “You’d be able to help us take care of them! They die a lot. We’re planting a lot of strawberries right now, are you any good with them?”

Virgil nodded. “Y-Yeah, I grew tons of strawberries.” 

Patton grinned ear to ear and furiously scribbled some things down. Virgil relaxed a little. “How clean are you? Are you good at cleaning up after yourself?”

Virgil was nodding before he finished speaking. “Yeah, I’m really clean. I spent a lot of time cleaning before I left, so it’s, uh, pretty much habit not to leave a mess around.”

“How would you feel about a chore chart?” Patton pointed to the fridge behind Virgil. Stuck on the front was a large sheet of paper split into three columns, with the headings PATTON, LOGAN, and ROMAN. “Logan made it, and he’s pretty strict about everyone sticking to it. It basically just splits our weekly house chores down the middle, with small accommodations depending on what job everyone has. On paper, I have the least amount of chores because I work the most hours, but a lot of those are cleaning, anyway.” 

Virgil shifted nervously. Would they let him off by saying looking for a job counted towards those hours? Otherwise… He’d be doing a lot of cleaning. What if I trick myself into thinking leaving was a waste of time? 

“I can do that.” He was surprised at how confident he sounded. 

“Great! How often do you cook? No one’s required to cook a certain amount a week or anything- You don’t have to cook at all, if you don’t want to or can’t -but we eat a lot of family dinners so it’s evened itself out so far naturally.” 

“Yeah- No, I can cook. I have a few recipes pretty nailed down so, uh, that shouldn’t be a problem.”

Virgil’s body was alive with adrenaline. Was he doing well? He thought he was doing well. Patton looked happier and happier with each answer, so he had to be doing well, right? 

“Along the same line, how do you feel about sharing?” Patton bit his lip. “We understand that everyone has their boundaries, but we’re all pretty close. If you moved in, someone might dip into your groceries by accident, and borrow something without asking. We’d never go into your room without asking, but, well… Yeah, we have boundary issues.” He giggled nervously. 

Tightness expanded in Virgil’s chest. “That’s fine,” he managed. 

Patton frowned. “It’s okay if you’re not. If you’re the right fit for us, we’ll just have to be more careful. You’d just have to forgive a few slip-ups while we adjust.” 

Virgil nodded and forced his voice to steady. “It’s fine. I promise.” He’d just keep everything important in his room- It’s not like he had more than a backpack’s worth right then, anyway. 

Patton nodded slowly and wrote down his answer. “Okay… Um, what’s your sleep schedule like? Roman and Logan both get up pretty early. Logan’s really quiet, but Roman’s really… Not, so if you’re a light sleeper and you sleep in like a normal person, his singing might get on your nerves.”

“I’m fine with that. I, uh, my sleep schedule’s kind of all over the place, so I don’t think it matters?”

“Okay! How has it been lately?”

“Well, uh, the shelters kick us out pretty early, so my sleep schedule probably coincides with Roman’s.” 

Patton nodded. “Do you have any pets, or plans to get any?” Virgil shook his head, and Patton made a noise of disappointment. “How often do you get drunk?”

Surprised, Virgil admitted, “I’ve never gotten drunk.” 

“Oh!” Patton blushed and laughed. “Do you plan on changing that any time soon? Was it a rule, or?” 

“It wasn’t a rule, I just… I don’t know, there was never too much alcohol around. I don’t plan on getting into the stuff, no.” 

Patton nodded and mumbled, “Good.” He straightened up. “Are you still friends with your old roommates?” 

Virgil folded his hands in his lap, squeezing tight. “No?” He stammered, “Is, uh, is that bad?”

He shook his head. “No, not necessarily! How many roommates have you had?”

“Well, there were my parents, and then my boyfriend.” 

“That’s completely understandable,” Patton promised. 

Virgil tipped his head to the side in confusion. Even the part about his parents? He didn’t assume Virgil was some ungrateful, heartless monster? 

“And, um, I’m sorry about this-” Patton looked at him guiltily, “-but I do have to ask… How would you be paying the rent? Would you be able to put down a deposit?”

Shit. Fucking hell, this was going bad fast. “I’m not really sure yet? I- I know that’s bad, I just- Uh, well, I have been looking, I promise. I’ll get the first job I can. I promise.”

Patton held his hand up with a frown. “Hey, it’s okay. I know, you’re in a rough spot right now. It’s okay. You said you’d be a little on the first month?”

Virgil swallowed and nodded. “I can give it to you now, though.”

Patton laughed nervously. “Uh, no, that’s okay. Please hold onto that. If we accept you as a roommate, we’ll take it then, okay? Don’t let someone pre-emptively take your money.” 

Virgil blushed. “Okay.”

Patton wrote something down, then looked up and asked, “Is there anything else I should know?” 

He thought for a moment. He was sure there was something he should tell them, something they were obligated to know before they agreed to live with him. Plenty of ideas ran through his head in his boyfriend’s voice, but for whatever reason, he didn’t think those were appropriate to voice. 

“No,” he settled on. “Not that I can think of.” 

“Okay.” Patton smiled and set the paper down. “We’ll get back to you as soon as possible.” 

Reblogs > Asks > Likes 

Also, for anybody who isn’t aware, I have a ko-fi where I’ll write you 300 words with your prompt for one coffee 

#virgil sanders #patton sanders #moxiety #roommates au #virgil writes #abuse tw #abuse mention

[everwitch-magiks]

dance with somebody (ch. 21)

start from ch. 1 | back to ch. 20

Louis is tired.

It's been a bit of a week. He's had two mock business proposals to finish, plus a pretty big presentation on innovative concepts in virtual-reality entertainment, and consequently, he's spent far too much time trying to recall annoyingly specific descriptors in the English language. And here’s the thing – Louis knows English, okay? He's got the fluency, and certainly the vocabulary. It's not his fucking fault that there's simply no way to translate skräckblandad förtjusning (meaning: mixed feelings of fear and delight, except not quite) while actually retaining that completely essential connotation of sky high adrenaline rush in the best and worst way possible.

He needs a fucking break.

On Saturday morning, he wakes up late and puts on his favorite jeans and a faded The Ark t-shirt. He packs his backup bluetooth speakers (Nursey's still hogging his best ones, but considering how that's somehow become a major factor in Louis's current strategy for dibs, he's certainly not about to ask for them back) and sets off to make the short trek across campus. When he opens the door to the Haus, he is for once not greeted by the pleasant smell of freshly baked goods.

Perfect.

Louis whistles as he sets up his speakers on the kitchen counter and puts on his playlist of ultimate guilty pleasures, aptly titled how can I resist you. He collects a bowl from the usual cupboard and digs through the pantry and fridge for the right ingredients. He doesn't need to look up the recipe. Hasn't needed to for years, now.

He's carefully stirring sugar and eggs together when Hops enters the kitchen.

“You’re baking,” Hops says, and really, he has no business sounding so surprised. Hops baked, like, less than two days ago. Someone’s always baking. “And, wait. Is that ABBA?”

Since the opening of Waterloo is literally blasting from his speakers, Louis doesn’t even bother trying to deny it. He shrugs, instead, and winces as Hops starts to hum along to the lyrics. It takes Hops approximately half the first verse before he realises that Louis isn’t actually playing the English version.

Hops quiets, and looks over towards Louis’s baking project, instead. He grins.

“Hey. Is that gonna be, like, a cake?”

“I mean, kind of.”

Louis starts measuring his dry ingredients in a second bowl, moving mostly on autopilot. Flour. Salt. Cocoa powder.

“You might wanna whisk those eggs, my friend,” Hops says, his tone annoyingly important. “That’s what Dex says, if you wanna get that cake nice and airy-”

“I don’t,” Louis cuts in. “It’s not that kind of cake.”

“Huh.” Unfortunately, Hops sounds completely fascinated. “What kind of cake is it?”

Louis sighs. Fuck. More terminology.

“I think it’s called a mud cake, in English,” he explains, wincing at the words despite the fact that he just chose them himself. “That’s not a literal translation from Swedish, though, and it honestly sounds dumb. Who wants to eat mud?”

“What’s it called in Swedish, then?”

Louis grimaces. “Uh. Sticky cake? Basically. Which sounds way more appetizing in Swedish, I promise. Anyway, it’s actually something of a classic.”

“So it’s, like, traditional?” Hops says, his eyes lighting up. “That’s really cool, man.”

“No, not really, it’s more…” Louis begins, only to trail off. This is actually exactly what he’s been trying to completely avoid, today. “Sorry, Hops, can I just finish baking?”

“Oh. Yeah, sure.” Hops takes a couple of steps back. He looks mildly confused. “I’ll leave you to it, then.”

“Great. Thanks.”

Hops wanders out of the kitchen. Someone else comes down the stairs, and Louis barely registers a hushed conversation in the hallway. Moments later, he’s joined by Whiskey, instead.

Whiskey nods towards him, and makes a beeline for the pot of coffee.

Louis finishes his batter and pours it into a springform pan. He pops it in the oven and sets a timer on his phone. There.

When he looks up again, he finds Whiskey watching him over a cup of coffee.

Whiskey doesn’t look merely tired. No, Whiskey looks fucking exhausted. Louis belatedly remembers that he hasn’t actually seen Whiskey for a few days, that there's been hushed whispers all week about Whiskey’s sudden and completely unexplained absence. Yet despite all of that, Whiskey has evidently found the time and energy to stick around in the kitchen, just now, and wait for Louis to look his way. Their eyes meet, and Whiskey raises both eyebrows slightly, his expression one of mild concern and careful curiosity.

“It’s nothing,” Louis says, before Whiskey has even asked. “I’m just… I get really tired, sometimes.”

“I get that,” Whiskey says. He’s nodding slowly. “It’s been a really tough season.”

“It’s not… This is different.” Louis pauses. It’s a little easier, this time, to find the right words. “I’m tired of people not getting things. I’m tired of having so many things nobody gets."

"Like cake," Whiskey says lightly, and okay, Hops has definitely put him up to this. "Do you wanna tell me about it?"

Louis shakes his head.

"I'm so fucking tired of telling people shit, I just… I miss just being. I miss not constantly looking for the right words. I miss home."

"Ah," Whiskey says. He's nodding again. "Okay. I don't exactly get that, but that's kind of your whole point, isn't it?"

"A little bit, yeah." Louis almost smiles. "Sorry, I don't mean to dump all of my shit on you. You probably have enough going on, at the moment."

"Let's not talk about me," Whiskey says evasively, and alright, apparently that's not a conversation they're about to have, right now. "Listen, do you wanna… Okay, this might sound sort of stupid."

Louis raises both eyebrows.

"Try me."

"Talk to me in Swedish, for a bit."

"What?" Louis frowns. "I'm afraid you'd find that entirely incomprehensible."

"No, I know." Whiskey smiles slightly. "I promise I'll still nod and hum in all the right places. Okay?"

Despite that reassurance, Louis hesitates. It honestly sounds really fucking dumb. Whiskey is watching him sort of expectantly, though, and fuck it, he might as well try. Because if Whiskey has for some reason made it his mission to cheer Louis up despite the fact that Whiskey’s clearly got some sort of huge, unacknowledged crisis of his own to deal with, the very least Louis can do is humour him.

"Det kommer dröja minst fem månader innan jag får träffa min lillsyrra igen, och alltså, hon är skitjobbig, men det är ändå fan inte okej."

Louis pauses. Whiskey is nodding, as promised, and his expression actually looks just the right level of sympathetic.

Huh.

Louis keeps talking.

He tells Whiskey about his other siblings, too, about his two older brothers who are actually occasionally even worse than his sister. It's kind of a miracle that he misses them all as much as he does. He talks about his stupidly boring home town, about that one coffee place that's clearly superior to all the rest and the outdoor rink that's right by the lake, about his mom's cinnamon buns and a fresh sheet of ice and that gorgeous sunrise and his best friend right there, lacing up her skates next to Louis and prattling on about some new band she's just discovered that Louis absolutely must listen to, and-

Louis's phone buzzes.

Immediately, Louis cuts himself off mid-sentence and practically lounges for the oven mittens. He carefully takes out the cake, which to the untrained looks like it's not quite done, yet. 

Fucking perfection.

"Hey, now," Whiskey says. He sounds amused. "I'm sure five more seconds would've been fine."

"Är du dum på riktigt, eller, tänk om…" Oh. Right. "And risk overbaking this baby? Not on my watch."

"If you say so." Whiskey looks a bit curious. "I think I actually caught, like, two or three words out of all that. One of them was definitely idiot."

"Probably." Louis shrugs. "You should meet my siblings, sometime."

"I'd have to brush up on my Swedish, first."

"Nah. Clearly, you're a natural."

Whiskey smiles, and Louis actually finds it fairly easy to smile back. He feels a little less tense, compared to before. A little more grounded.

"So. Turns out that wasn't completely pointless." Louis grins. And then, because it feels like that kind of moment, he continues. "I'm gonna vote for you, you know. As captain."

Something very complicated passes over Whiskey's expression.

"I know you're gonna do great," Louis adds. God, why is Whiskey looking at him like that? He must know that he's basically guaranteed to be chosen, already. Everyone knows. "And we're all gonna have your back. Alright?"

"Thanks, man." Whiskey's not quite meeting his eyes. "I should, uh. I've got to go."

"You should have some cake," Louis says firmly. He digs out a spoon from the top drawer and carefully traces it along the inside of the springform pan, before removing the sides. The slice he cuts only just holds together. He grins in satisfaction as he hands Whiskey the plate. "Here. You won't regret it, I promise."

Whiskey barely smiles. He still looks a bit shaken up. Louis wonders if he should mention this to Dex, or Tango and Ford, or maybe to that one water polo kid who's always hanging around the Haus, lately. To someone Whiskey actually talks to about stuff.

"Oh my God."

Whiskey has taken his first bite. He's staring at his plate in disbelief.

"What the… This is, like, some sort of fucking chocolate heaven. In my mouth. What the fuck." He takes another bite. "Why aren't you making this every day, always?"

"Kitchen's usually busy, isn't it?" Louis serves himself a generous slice. "Glad you like it, though."

"I'm gonna need more of this, like, yesterday," Whiskey says decisively, just as at least three people enter the kitchen at once.

"You baked, Louis? 'Swasome."

"Fuck, that smells so good."

"Plates! We need plates!"

Even in the middle of the general mayhem that ensues, Louis doesn't miss the fact that Whiskey cuts himself an extra slice before he's even finished his first, locates a second spoon and quietly leaves the kitchen. Which all seems a little excessive, maybe, but Whiskey's evidently going through some shit right now, and if plenty of cake and a high quantity of cutlery is what's gonna get him through it, Louis won't judge.

"Hey," Jader says, already halfway through his second slice. "That guy on your shirt looks pretty hot. Who is he?"

"He's a singer." Louis reaches for his phone. The best thing about music is, it never needs to be explained. "And a fucking legend. Take a deep breath, okay? You're in for quite a ride."

He puts on It Takes A Fool To Remain Sane, and serves himself a second slice.

ch. 22

#check please #omgcheckplease #omgcp #Louis #yes #our very own Lukas Landmann #and kladdkaka #this chapter is so indulgent you have no idea #I know we're all waiting for Whiskey to figure out his shit and all #but here's a fun interlude with our favorite Swedish wellie baking cake? #I'm Swedish okay let me have this #also #do yourself a favor #listen to The Ark #evie writes #fanfiction #dance with somebody

[rottendyke]

Absolutely fuckin bangin mug brownie recipe for when you're dirt fuckin poor

You're gonna need a mug, flour (none of that self rasing shit), normal white sugar, literally any kind of cocoa powder (can be the stuff you use for hot chocolates), any kind of oil as long as its not the American kind, and water. You don't even need any vanilla extract because who the fuck actually owns that.

You wanna slap four tablespoons (the big one you eat with) of flour into your mug, then four tablespoons of sugar, and two tablespoons of whatever cocoa powder you're using. All somewhat heaped but not too much.

Then you're gonna wanna put two tablespoons of whatever oil you're using in there (I used olive oil) and two and a half to three tablespoons of water.

Then you wanna get a teaspoon (little bastard) and stick it right to the bottom, then lift it and basically "fold" the ingredients at the bottom over. Keep doing that to mix it all well until its pretty much one solid colour, make sure you scrape the bottom of the cup in the crevices because otherwise you'll be halfway through eating your brownie and get half a spoonful of white disappointment. Make sure once you've mixed it you kinda squash it down into the mug and try to get rid of as much of the stuff that sticks to the sides as you can.

Then you wanna smack it into your microwave and microwave it for 1 minute (800w) and BAM it should come out looking kinda like a weird flat-ish muffin. Looks kinda weird but tastes godly. Could maybe add chocolate sprinkles if you really wanted.

There you go. Pov brownies

[jenroses]

Elderberry syrup, flu, colds, coughs, etc.

Because we’re getting into That Season....

Elderberry syrup is one of those hippy dippy remedies that is actually pretty helpful and has some research to back it up. It’s also expensive as hell, with a small 8 oz jar coming in at like $15 per, which is REALLY STEEP given how much of it you need to really be effective. You can make your own for less than half that cost per cup. I’m pretty low spoon and spend a lot of time in a wheelchair, but I can still handle this recipe.  Tool-wise, bare minimum you need a pan, some method of straining the elderberries, some method of squeezing the extra liquid out of the berries, and a burner. Also a bowl or large measuring cup to strain the liquid into, and a jar to keep things in. Extra bowls, a potato ricer (alternatively cheesecloth, or a nutmilk bag) and a variety of spoons are probably helpful but not super necessary. If you’re adding lemon and ginger, you’ll need a knife and a cutting surface.  

Skill wise, you need to understand what it means to “bring to a boil, reduce to a simmer”. (Heat over medium high heat until bigger bubbles start to rise, then immediately turn it down to the lowest heat that you can still see little bubbles rising up. You do not want this to boil had for long periods.) You need to be able to coordinate straining boiled berries to reserve the liquid, and to mix honey into extracted liquid, which is harder than it sounds.

Ingredients needed: 2 cups dried elderberries. I’ve used both Mountain Rose Herbs dried berries and Frontier dried organic berries with good results. Frontier products are often available in bulk food sections of health food stores, if you want to try a smaller quantity. (This recipe is easily halved or doubled, the ratio is 1 part berries by volume, to 2 parts water by volume, and then once you’ve extracted the liquid, about 1:1 of liquid to honey by volume, kinda to taste, though it needs to be pretty dang sweet.)

The straightforward way to make your own is to buy dried elderberries, pick up local raw honey, and get a bit of ginger, a ceylon cinnamon stick and some slices of lemon. 

I use a variant of the Mountain Rose Herbs Blog recipe for Elderberry syrup: From memory, I  put a couple cups of elderberries, a cinnamon stick, a few ginger slices and a few lemon slices in a pan with oh, a quart-ish of water and simmer for 40 minutes, then allow it to cool (do not fridge at this point, the steep period is helpful), and strain through a mesh strainer into a clean bowl. Then I take the leftover berries, and put them in a potato ricer, and get the last of the liquid out that way, just gently, not trying to actually push any solids through, it's just a fast and hand-friendly way to get the excess liquid out of the berries. Measure the liquid. You might want to simmer it down a little, the goal is a couple cups of liquid. Important: you MUST discard the spent berries. They can be composted. They cannot be used for food, as the seeds are not good for human consumption. This is why we’re not making jam. The liquid is the gold here, and the simmering/squeezing is how we get it. 

With the liquid below 115 degrees but lukewarm to warm to the touch, add between 8-16 oz of raw honey, stirring to dissolve the honey completely. You may need to work at it a bit, warmer elderberry liquid will take the honey better, but hot elderberry liquid will cook the honey. (Note: If you want to use the lower amount of honey, consider adding vodka, brandy, rum, or other high-proof alcohol to help preserve the cordial. This is better for adults who don’t have to drive, though, the dose is low but frequent. See the Mt. Rose blog for more on this method: i do not use it.)

Bottle, refrigerate, use within 1-2 months, discard if moldy. We use oh, about a half tablespoon for little kids, a tablespoon for medium kids, and 1-2 tablespoons for adults, every 2-3 waking hours from first exposure until 3 days after the last symptoms have disappeared from the house for things like flu, and as long as we feel like for colds. This recipe, without alcohol, is fine for children over the age of 1 year old, but is NOT okay for babies, due to the honey.

Be aware that those with autoimmune issues may have those issues worsened by elderberry, especially if they are taking fancy immune suppressing drugs, particularly TnF inhibitors such as Humira and Remicade. Elderberry specifically counteracts those drugs, which can be both useful in a dangerous flu season, and expensive, because the drug will no longer be working. I have personal experience with this. On the one hand I got over the flu in record time, on the other I was in a world of hurt and ended up having to switch drugs because I developed an immune response to the Very Expensive Drug. 

Elderberry is very effective against the flu, which is quite sensitive to tumor necrosis factor for science reasons. HOWEVER... because we are a household with an immune suppressed member, everyone who can get the flu shot ALSO gets the flu shot, and we go on tamiflu at the first sign of flu, plus elderberry, because in the grand health checks and balances treating influenza > treating rheumatoid arthritis short term. Despite multiple immune suppressing drugs, the last time I came down with the flu it lasted less than five days. 

To take it, neat is probably the hardest method, as it is both very sweet and a little funky at full concentration. We add it to juice, seltzer (which is actually yummy) or my favorite, a mix of seltzer and tart cherry concentrate. The tart cherry concentrate has the benefit of being antiinflammatory, and the tastes mix well. 

If illness is acute and there is a cough, consider adding magnesium (to relax the smooth muscles) which can be provided in liquid, topical, bath or capsule form (standard daily dose, 200-400 mg of the cheapest magnesium is effective enough at reducing muscle spasms in my personal experience) and in a separate container, mixing honey, cocoa powder (make a paste) and then adding water slowly until the mixture is sip-able. 

Note that while research on capsules of refined theobromine is iffy (this link describes the logic for the method), I have used this method many times for cough, it’s something you sip basically whenever you start coughing uncontrollably, and it gets the cough under control without stopping you from coughing when you need to. Note the “QOL” improvements=quality of life. This is a non-dairy, pure cocoa-and-honey, no milk, no cocoa butter method. Falls under the category of can’t hurt, will probably help, certainly no less effective than most commercial cough medications and a hell of a lot less potentially harmful. It helped make pertussis and pneumonia less hellacious for me, I would go from not being able to stop coughing spasmodically, to being able to cough in a controlled and more productive way, less frequently. In other words, the cocoa water and tart cherry method let me fucking sleep already. 

Alternating between the tart cherry elderberry and the cocoa water (they don't taste good mixed, just trust me) will soothe a sore throat, make a cough more manageable, and increase tumor necrosis factor, which helps deal with the flu directly. 

#Mine #elderberry syrup #magnesium #cocoa for coughs #science #influenza

[goodproofingwater]

Wildfire Records: Breaking America - Chapter Six

Word count: 1904

Andy spent the best part of the rest of the night thinking about the interaction that had happened between his dad and Victoria. It was unheard of for anyone to stand up to his father. Even Josh and Danny has learned the hard way that his dad was not to be fucked with and they had joked at length about it. It was strange then that the redhead hadn’t even flinched, had dived headfirst into the lion's den simply because he had been rude.

What did it all mean? Andy was no longer under the illusion that Victoria secretly wanted him, that thought process had been 95% cocaine, but the passion with which she stood up to his dad was unlike anything he had ever seen. He was beginning to realise through the process of healing from an addiction just how much it had ruined his life, and in turn how much his father had influenced both how the drug habit had started and how it continued. All of his relationships when he was younger were scarred by the way his father treated him. Either he spoke to friends in the way his dad spoke to him and lost them that way, or he wouldn’t know how to act and would lose them out of sheer lack of contact.

Danny and Josh had been the only ones to stick around, the sandbox love never dying as they saw him for who he was and loved him for it. It seemed that Victoria now fell into that category too. Her willingness to accept him regardless of his flaws had been what had been why he had fallen in love with her to begin with, but the fact that she would stand up for him after everything he had put her through just solidified that it wasn’t love as he had thought it. It was the same love he felt when Josh said he was proud of a guitar riff Andy had written, the same love that he saw in Danny’s eyes the first time Andy had turned down that drink he knew would tip him over the edge, the love and respect that held them together as a band. It was all so new, but he was enjoying every second of these previously unexplored emotions.

Everything had been so black and white when he was on the drugs, now he was seeing layers of colour, each new day adding new depth to a rich tapestry.

It felt strange going back to the house as a group after a show, the five of them crammed into the back of an uber and stumbling into the house as they had done so many times before. It felt even weirder to watch Josh and Victoria walk into her room with only the smallest flutter of jealousy, the anger he used to feel completely rationalised now his mind wasn’t filled with such inflammatory thoughts of how Josh had somehow stolen her.

He still loved Victoria in a romantic way, a part of him would for a while considering she was the first he had ever felt like that about, but because of this love all he wanted was her happiness. As sad as it was to admit, Josh made her happier than he ever could done himself.

He walked up to the kitchen to pour himself some water and make a hot chocolate that would send him to sleep. The downside to being almost sober was that he had been so used to allowing the whiskey to knock him out at night and his insomnia was particularly strong.

As he boiled the milk, he heard soft footsteps and turned to see Victoria walking toward the kitchen in Josh’s hoody, two glasses in her hands.

“Making hot chocolate?” She smiled as she glanced at the cocoa powder that sat beside to hob, moving to the tap to fill up the glasses.

Andy found himself in the strange position of being somewhat starstruck. She looked gorgeous the way she was, hair up and makeup off, but it wasn’t that. It was the sheer affection that radiated from him as he considered what she had done for him earlier.

“Do you want one?” He asked and she licked her lips, nodding.

“Yes please…” She hopped up onto the counter as she watched him stir the milk, this new version of Andy so domestic that it was a sight to behold. She still hadn’t gotten used to him being sober, and she supposed that he would continue to change even further the more the cocaine left his system.

“Vic..” He started, feeling like there was a weight on his chest that he needed to relieve. How could he thank her? How could he put into words how amazing he thought she was for what she had done without it sounding like he was coming on to her? Would he be able to stop himself from coming on to her if they started down this road? He shook his head as he added cocoa powder to the milk, but instead of letting it go she slipped from the counter and leaned against the counter next to the hob.

“Go on, Andrew” she joked, and he couldn’t help but chuckle a little, ignoring the twist in his stomach from her calling him his full name.

“You really didn’t have to do that…” He gulped, looking from the pan to her eyes momentarily before they darted back down, “I mean.. My dad is an asshole but usually people just ignore him.”

Her brow furrowed as she watched how uncomfortable he was talking about his dad, and she wondered if she had done wrong by him in calling him out until she saw the small smile on his features at the end of his sentence.

“Well people shouldn’t,” She sipped her water as she watched him pour sugar into the hot chocolate, his slow and methodical stirring lulling her alcohol infused brain into an almost meditative state, “I wasn’t going to let someone stand there and talk shit about you, I don’t care who they are.”

Andy bit his lip,continuing to stir in silence for a few moments before moving the pan from the burner. He moved to wrap his arms around her waist, pulling her in and smiling as she rested her head on his chest, her small hands resting on his back. It had been too long since he had felt her this close, too long since he had been able to feel affection so pure.

“I did you so wrong, Vic..” He spoke, sighing and squeezing her a little tighter and she did the same, pulling back and allowing his strong hands to rest on her waist as she looked up into gorgeous brown eyes that she had once seen her future in.

“You did.” She nodded, “But that’s in the past now, alright? You’re my friend. We’ve been through a lot and we spoke so much about that asshole when we were together, I know what he does to you.” She moved her hands to rest on his shoulders, and she was glad that Josh had been too tired to even come to the kitchen. If he saw them like this he wouldn’t be happy, regardless of how innocent it actually was.

“You still didn’t have to--” She placed a finger on his lips to shh him, shaking her head with a small smile on her face.

“I did for you what I would do for any of my friends, standing up for them against something that causes them pain. I don’t care about what has happened between us, you still mean the world to me and you shouldn't let someone define your worth by things you have done in the past, especially when you’re doing so well to adapt” She couldn’t believe how much Andy’s eyes softened at her words, how his hands held her more delicately, his breathing becoming shallower.

“I--” He sighed, eyes never leaving her own as he shook his head, “Thank you. You-- You’re the only person that’s ever done that and I--I love you for it.”

Her breath hitched in her throat at the L word and he noticed, laughing a little and shaking his head, “N-no.. I mean I-- I do.. I did.. I don’t know..” He stumbled over his words and Victoria couldn’t help but smile, this new version of Andy so adorable that she almost wished this was the version she could have met in the first place.

Andy swallowed thickly as he tried to get the words out, tried to organise his thoughts and ensure this came out in the way that he wanted it to and in a way that wasn’t going to make her uncomfortable.

“I love you Vic… I think I have for a while.” He spoke, hurrying through so that look of confusion in her eyes would run away, “It’s..It’s different now to how it was then though. I love you like I love Josh and Danny, you’re..you’re kind of like family I guess.”

She let out a short breath, glad for his continuation. She wasn’t ready to deal with Andy confessing his love for her in a romantic way, but this she could deal with. She knew that he had trouble dealing with his emotions when he was on the drugs, so dealing with something so knew at the same time as going through recovery must be on a different level.

“Well I guess I love you like that too.” She smiled softly up at him, running her fingers softly through his red hair, a hand resting on his face as it had done so many times before. “I’m glad that we’re here now. It...It was horrible not being able to be close to you. I always enjoyed the friendship part of our relationship.”

He nodded, smiling down at her and fighting the urge to turn his face to kiss the palm of her hand. He was of course being truthful about the way he loved her, but there was still a part of him that was getting over her romantically, still a part of his heart which had jumped when she said she loved him even if she was basically confirming it was no longer romantic.

“We’re good like that,” He nodded, pulling her into another hug and sighing a little as he pressed his face to her hair, “I’m glad that you found it in you to forgive me…”

They stood there in each others arms for a moment, a solitary second of silence held between them as they let out breaths of relief. A conversation like this had been overdue.

“Well..” Victoria spoke, pulling back and taking the glasses of water, “I better get back to Josh, he’ll be wondering why it’s taken so long to turn the taps..”

“If he’s even awake,” Andy joked, pouring hot chocolate into two mugs and passing her one on a tray, “Here… to help you sleep.”

She placed the two glasses on the tray and then took it from him with a smile, desperately wanting to hug him again but knowing she needed to go.

“See you in the morning, Andy.” She smiled softly at him once more, turning and walking down the stairs, her heart feeling full for the first time in months.

#Wildfire records #original story #aaaaahhhhhh fuck

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

As a fucking Mexican-American (even though I was born in Mexico), I prefer Abuelita over the shit cocoa powder here in the good ol' Murica. To put things into perspective, I've been living here for 18 1/2 years... I'm 20.

Literally anything is better than instant. It's basically sugar water. I quit that stuff years ago. As the whitest of white Americans, I can 100% confirm that Abuelita is better than Swiss Miss. I thank Mexico for its contribution to my cocoa lexicon.My preferred american cocoa is the stuff from Williams Sonoma, which is actually chocolate shavings you stir into warm milk. Their original is good, and I adore their peppermint. I wanted to try their double dark, but it's like, 30 bucks. Maybe next christmas!Tonight I'm going to try the hot fudge method. If I have time. And I remember. I skate til almost 9pm on Mondays, so I usually get a little brain dead by that point.

[lauramkaye]

Laura Versus The Hell Mousse

So the other day we ate at a restaurant. I was full after the entree, but it is a tasty restaurant, so when the server asked if we wanted dessert I asked what they had. She named some things, including chocolate mousse.

“Oh, that sounds great,” I said. “I’ll take some to go, please.”

She gave me a Disapproving Kindergarten Teacher look. “I would highly recommend against it,” she said. “It doesn’t travel well. Plus, it’s already in the dishes.”

Now, I know damn well that mousse is not a robust dish, but it’s like thirty degrees outside. I’m pretty sure it will survive the fifteen minute trip home and into my fridge to be enjoyed as a midnight snack. And I’m sure they piped it into serving dishes and moving it to a to-go thingy would smoosh the pretty part, but I don’t CARE. I don’t want to take it home to enshrine it on Instagram, I want to eat it. Later. When I’m no longer full and I want some.

But the server is really vehement that taking the mousse to go is somehow a terrible idea. So I cave, and we get the check and go home, mousseless.

Only, see, now I am craving chocolate mousse. I’m craving chocolate mousse AND I’m mad at myself for caving and not ordering it anyway. And the only other restaurant that I know of near me that has it regularly has recently merged with another restaurant (like, there was a French-German restaurant that had an artisanal oil and vinegar boutique and a different French restaurant and they merged, and now the really good fried potatoes aren’t on the menu anymore and I’m mad about it) and I don’t know if they still have the mousse.

So I decide fuck it, I shall make my own.

Now, I am a solid home cook and quite a good hobbyist baker when I have the time. I’m aware that chocolate mousse is a fussy thing involving raw separated eggs and double boilers and shit. However, I also remember that one time when I was required to do super low carb diet for two weeks prior to a medical procedure, I made myself a faux-mousse that was basically whipped cream with Splenda and cocoa powder that was tastier than it had any right to be, so I looked for recipes for “easy” mousse, figuring that some kind of cheater recipe would work to assuage the craving.

I located this one: https://sweetnessandbite.com/super-easy-3-ingredient-chocolate-mousse/ . It was beautifully photographed, it sounded dead easy to make, and all I’d have to purchase was cream and chocolate. It was basically a whipped ganache, and I’ve made ganache plenty of times before; I have a favorite Cake Doctor cake that is easy but looks super fancy that you glaze with Chambord ganache. Sold. I purchased appropriate amounts of whipping cream and bittersweet chocolate and stuck them in my fridge. 

I saw in the instructions that you have to chill the mixture prior to whipping it, so I did the initial steps the first night. I rigged up an impromptu double boiler by putting the metal bowl of my stand mixer over a saucepan of simmering water, let the cream heat, and whisked the chocolate and vanilla in. It incorporated beautifully, smooth and easy, and I put it in the fridge to chill overnight as instructed. 

That’s when the issues began.

When I took the bowl out of the fridge the next day to whip it, what I had didn’t look at all like something that could be whipped; it was basically chocolate truffle filling, the consistency of modeling clay, maybe a little harder. So I left it, covered, on the counter to warm up a bit. Once I could easily insert a spatula I decided to try to whip the mixture (in my trusty KitchenAid stand mixer, because my forearms are too puny to whip that shit by hand.)

Things started out okay, with the mixture lightening in color and getting a bit softer, but it wouldn’t WHIP. It wasn’t gaining volume, and it certainly wasn’t anywhere near to looking like the soft, glossy photo on the recipe site. Instead it was starting to break into chunks, like the whisk was just tearing it up instead of incorporating air. I figured that maybe it needed a smidge more liquid, so I added a bit of cream. That was a terrible failure: the new cream wouldn’t incorporate at all, so I just had Chocolate Bits With Some Liquid Around Them. 

I looked at the comments on the recipe. Hmm. I had used heavy whipping cream (what I always buy to make whipped cream) but the recipe specified “whipping cream.” Also the amounts were in metric. Maybe I used too heavy a cream and made too thick a ganache? So I decided the best course of action was to re-melt the mixture and add a little more liquid to make it more amenable to whipping.

Back over the saucepan of hot water it went, and once I had it melty, I whisked in some more cream and some milk, to try to thin it down. The mixture, once again, was lovely. Back to the fridge with it to re-chill.

Once re-chilled, back into the stand mixer. Surely, surely, this time it would whip.

No. No, it would not whip. It had a brief moment of promise where it looked a little like pudding, but then... the only way I can describe it was that it broke, like a sauce would. I don’t think ganache is technically an emulsion (it’s fats and fats, not fat suspended throughout non-fat) but it sure seemed like I had a breaking emulsion situation happening. It was like the chocolate almost curdled out of the mixture. I ended up with this really soft, nonstructured chocolate... stuff, that still TASTED great, but the texture was... it was...

Okay it looked like baby poo. Like mushed-up nearly-diarrheal BABY POO. 

It was now after 1am. I had splatters of chocolate everywhere that the mixer had thrown up when I tried ALL THE WAY ON as a setting, hoping to whip the Hell Mousse through sheer brute force. There was chocolate on the microwave, on the roll of paper towels, on the face of my phone, smearing the cheery photos that mocked me from the recipe blog. I was already topless and cooking in my bra because I had splattered chocolate all over my nice Star Wars shirt and was desperately trying to soak the stains out. So I’m standing there in the middle of the night, topless, chocolate on my bra, under my fingernails, splattered all over the kitchen, facing the concept of melting that shit down one more time and I just said FUCK IT, NO MORE.

I poured the Hell Mousse into plastic containers and stuck it in the fridge, hoping against hope that maybe it would set into something edible.

That was yesterday. Today I pulled it out and took a look. It has hardened into something with a texture I’m not sure I could replicate if I tried. In all honesty the thing it reminds me most of is grits. You know how grits are a sort of creamy thick paste containing a bunch of little kernels? Imagine that basic concept, but the kernels are tiny balls of chocolate ganache (maybe a quarter the size of a grit, like grains of fine sand) and the binder is something almost, but not entirely, unlike whipped cream. The concoction is more solid than pudding, more dense than mousse, keeps its shape - like doesn’t flow down to fill the hole when you spoon some out - but upon taking a bite it immediately sort of collapses into just a mouthful of ganache bits that then melt. It’s bizarre, a weirdo non-Newtonian dessert fluid, somehow gritty and simultaneously sort of fluffy.

All I wanted was a single serving of chocolate mousse. Instead, I got a sinkfull of dishes, a load of laundry, a line of chocolate under my nails that I can’t quite get all the way out, and approximately 40 ounces of Non-Newtonian Hell Mousse that, because my spouse doesn’t like dark chocolate, I will have to consume myself, bite by gritty, melty, perplexing bite. And I STILL don’t know what I did wrong.

It does, however, taste delicious.

#cooking #cooking fail #how hard can it be? #arrrgh #chocolate #why do you hate me

[omgkittymonster-blog]

KAT'S KETO STARTER GUIDE

a quick guide to starting keto easily and without worries!

⦁ intro ⦁ science ⦁ myths and misconceptions

⦁ breakfast ⦁ lunch ⦁ dinner ⦁ snacks ⦁ food list CHEAT SHEET:

⦁ intermittent fasting ⦁ what to do when you go out to eat ⦁ what to drink and when

⦁ "carb cycling", cheat days, and how tos: ⦁ things to avoid that are a waste of money

INTRODUCTION TO KETO Keto is an amazing diet and/or lifestyle that when paired with multiple other forms of healthy choices can be a quick way to lose a few pounds or a healthy way to live longterm allowing you to still enjoy life without estranging yourself from your friends and family.  It is very flexible and people that stick to keto find themselves in love with it and raving about their success, as long as they gave it the proper chance! I myself lost ten pounds the first week I did strict keto and I knew then I was hooked!

SCIENCE BEHIND KETO AND WHY IT WORKS The common american diet is very high in sugar, carbs, unhealthy fats, caffeine, sodium, etc. This recipe is a disaster waiting to happen, heart disease, obesity, cancers, diabetes, among a plethora of other terrible life stealing diseases that effect millions of americans. Whether you do a low carb, or low calorie, or low red meat and fat diet, the idea remains the same.  Reduce calorie intake vs output, avoid foods that cause inflamations or gastro-intestinal upsets, and eat filling whole foods that offer a lot of nutrient density. Now, the reason that keto works so good is the science behind the diet: When you reduce the amount of sugar (glucose)  your body intakes, which is its normal source of fuel, it panics, uses what it has, burns glycogen which is stored in the liver and muscles, and finally switches your body to KETONES (which burns FATS for fuel instead).  When your body is in Ketosis, it will burn your body fat and consumed fats for energy, to do normal body functions.  This sounds like a miracle, and I can honestly say it is.  Most average americans have anywhere from a 20%-50% body fat ratio, men usually on the lower end of that, where anything over 30% is usually considered overweight.   That being said, most people have a lot of fuel to burn that they would never have burned if they were eating a large amount of carbohydrates that the body prefers to burn first.  You literally have your own fuel just waiting to go, and you will feel awesome when you see the fat melting off your tummy, thighs, back, face.  :D

Myths and Misconceptions When I first started keto I thought I could eat as many hot dogs, burgers, chicken wings, ranch dressings, etc as I could stuff in my face.   Truth be told you can, but your body will be severely lacking vitamins and minerals that you need to be healthy so I would suggest making sure to vary your diet, always include a healthy fat (example: salmon, avocado, macadamia nuts) and lots of greens whenever possible.  If you absolutely cannot, taking a high nutrient density multi vitamin is really smart, as well as looking into electrolyte mixes or supplements. People will try to bully you or shame you for not eating "just one this" or "you have to try a bite" and after a little while, you absolutely can! But during the first month or so, til you become "fat adapted" it is best to be as diligent as possible, and you will be really proud of the results. Not all fats are created equal:  While dirty keto does exist and sometimes is necessary, try to remember that quality of your fuel will always dictate how you feel.  Will you feel better after a slice of greasy pizza or a big salad with lots of veggies and roasted turkey? Easy concept. You don't have to starve yourself.  This was the hardest part for me to learn at first.  Keto foods are filling, yummy, and full of flavor, so eat til you're about comfortably full and give the fork a rest.  You'll find you're sated for many hours! Not all people get the keto flu.  Some adapt to eating high fat really well with minimal issues.  If you are feeling dizzy, lightheaded, or stomach sick, make sure you have plenty of water and if you need to, have a shot of pickle juice or a sprinkle of salt in your water.  Vitamin water ZERO is also a decent way to get electrolytes without having to spend a lot on a supplement.  I'd avoid zero sugar gatorade though, the sweetener in it is sucralose which is bad for ketosis.

NOW TO THE FUN PART: THE FOOD! I do most of my shopping at a normal grocery store, and most of the things I mention can be bought at meijer, target, walmart, or whatever your local chain is. Buy organic if you want! But it isnt necessary.  Meats and dairy foods are best when bought all natural or organic if possible.  Look for words like grass finished, or pasture raised.

Breakfast ideas: Omelets - add whatever meats veggies and cheeses from list fit your choosing Cauliflower "hash" - sautee pieces of cauliflower with meats, veggies, top with cheese and let it melt :D keto "cereal" - 2 cups unsweetened coconut, sprinkle with cinnamon, stevia, coconut oil, pecans, macadamia nuts, whatever.  bake two minutes per side around 375 til toasted.  cool and serve with unsweetened hemp, oat, almond or soy milk and fresh berries if you want! Chorizo and eggs with avocado and sour cream - they do make turkey chorizo too! or make your own by adding hot sauce and spices to ground turkey.  :3 "Two Good" Makes a super low carb yogurt that tastes amazing  - i eat it with berries or a "Quest" brand protein cookie for breakfast! Chia pudding - 2 T. chia seeds, milk substitute or water, stevia, and whatever flavor you want to add! Peanut butter, cocoa powder for PB cup,  raspberry/almond,  blueberry/pecan.  Chill overnight, awesome grab and go Egg muffins  - mix up eggs like youd be making scrambled eggs, add some ricotta or cottage cheese (full fat only), add toppings, bake for 5-10 mins til middle is set (use a tooth pick).  Can freeze and pop in microwave or last a week in the fridge.  I like mine with pesto and mozzarella with tomato on top.

Lunch ideas: La tortilla factory low carb wrap "blt" - these tortillas are amazing and come in many sizes.  If you cant find those, find any brand that says "low carb" - look for net carbs under 6 for best choices.  Add avocado, turkey bacon, mayo if desired, lettuce, tomato, peppers, etc.  Eat with cheese chips (recipe in snacks) Soups:  Creamy chicken chili, broccoli cheese (substitute heavy cream and broth in place for milk in recipes) bone broth veggie soups (imagine PHO or Ramen with no noodles!) MAKE A BIG ASS SALAD WITH WHATEVER MEATS AND CHEESE AND VEGGIES YOU WANT   (that are safe on the list ofc) this is what i do a lot, and i put the dressing on the side so i can just munch on it throughout the day without it getting soggy.   If you find yourself picking certain parts out of your salad right away, try to focus on those more until your body is craving other things.  Some days i eat my meats right away, others i eat all my veggies.  Your body often tells you what you need without even realizing. If you're a grazer make a fruit and nut tray, or "lunchables" almost. There is a recipe for whats called CLOUD BREAD. It's basically like a fluffy meringue that is made with cream cheese and eggs. I dont make it a lot, I almost always would rather have those wraps.  They're that good and last longer :D Try to keep things with you that you know you will eat, rather than things you think you're supposed to eat, because cold fish sounds disgusting vs that yummy five piece chicken tender with hot sauce. >_>

Dinner Ideas: Dinner is my forte because for a long time I was doing OMAD keto, aka "One meal a day keto" where I would fast until dinner every day, except for coffee, tea and water.  During these times I dreamt up many cheat meals that I JUST HAD TO HAVE and went home and keto-ized em.  If there's a will there's a way, bahahaha. OMAD is not recommended at the start of ketosis because you may feel low on energy or dizzy sometimes and we want to avoid bad feelings during initiation so when you see the success you have you won't have a negative feeling as to why it happened.

LITERALLY IMAGINE YOUR FAVORITE DINNER. Whatever you're craving.  You can hack it. We got this.   Chinese/Take out? Easy mode.  You can make stir fries, fried cauliflower rice, sweet and sour chicken (using parmesan for a crust!), peanut "noodles" or "zoodles", egg foo young, etc! American: Wings, burgers, brats/sausages, grilled chicken, etc - most cook out foods in whole form are totally safe. Pair with grilled veggies or a salad, or make a pasta salad from zoodles with homemade italian dressing.  YUMMMM bish Italian: Low carb tomato sauces and "noodles", Fat head Pizza (link to fat head dough recipe will be at bottom.  This shit is dope.  I never even liked pizza before this).  Chicken Parmesan, "Spaghetti and Meatballs", Lasagna: AND OMG GUESS WHAT. Alfredo is like totally fair game, and its really good with mushrooms and chicken. :P Mexican: HOLY FUCK I EAT THIS STUFF SO MUCH.  Like, pretty much everything but the chips and rice are totally gucci for keto.  Taco/Burrito bowls, fajitas, ceviche, salsa, avocado salad, guacamole, and for dipping I make cheese chips or thin slices of cucumber spritzed with chili lime and salt. Greek: Greek salad, schwarma, gyros (either without bread or use the low carb wraps), hemp seed "Falafel", tzatziki sauce, feta cheese, olives, etc. I have even made indian and thai curries, moroccan food, middle eastern We have made chicken tenders, french fries, chips, "nachos", fish fry, breaded mushrooms, mozz sticks, cheese curds.  All your craving foods! The internet is wonderful for this, just make sure you are paying close attention to how much a portion is, or if its higher in carbs than you're allowed for the day.

Above I posted a picture for a shopping list.

This is a nice shopping list but I find it is sort of strict.  Try to stick to these items to start but You can add in things like more nuts or avocados, almond and coconut flours (to make cakes and breads!), and higher starch veggies and fruits as time goes on.  I get down on some cantaloupe pretty often, and have a cupcake at least once a month.

Intermittent Fasting IF is typically considered an advance technique or body reset especially after big meal days or cheating, and while it has amazing health benefits, I would suggest you research it yourself and decide if it's right for you.  I had a lot of luck with it because I hate to keep track of my calories on an app so I knew if I ate whatever I could within a five to seven hour period that the chances that I would eat more than 1800 calories would go way down.   Each person is different, if you feel physically hungry, don't deny that feeling. Here is a link that describes and explains types of IF. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/intermittent-fasting-guide#methods

What to do when you go out to eat We live in a time where many people eat low carb, or restaurants are very willing to wiggle with ingredients or substitutions.  Remember that nicer restaurants appreciate this less, but if you know that it will be happening, you can always call the restaurant and let them know in advance.  Many chefs are reasonable and want your business and willing to help. Always check the menu for words like, naked, ask for sauces on the side, try to stick to things that are usually safe, blue cheese, ranch, vinaigrettes, mayos.  When a dish comes with a carb side, most places will double up on steamed or grilled veg for very little extra or no charge.  I get steak with a literal dick ton of broccoli or asparagus and lotsa butter and its good and filling. :D Burgers can be put on top of a side salad , or ask for a lettuce wrap.  Make sure wings and chickens arent breaded before frying or baking.  Chinese restaurants usually have a section that has all the same ingredients but sauce on the side and veggies steamed, good for when you go out.  Egg drop soup is usually ok as long as you don't eat a gallon of it. If something comes that you really want, but can't have, just have one small bite and cover the rest of it with too much salt or ketchup or something than you can handle, or trade it away.  This will prevent you from eating it all. There's lots of options and understand that whenever you go out, there is a chance that you might slip out of ketosis.  Don't be discouraged because a small slip is a lot easier to deal with than a big one, and you will feel fine within 12 hrs.

What to drink and when Coffee, espresso, unsweetened teas, club soda or la croix like drinks with zero fake sugars added (look for aspartame, sucralose, dextrose, erythritol, etc), pure liquors with no added flavor or sugar (vodka, gin, whiskey, rum, tequila), dry red wine (cabernet, merlot) dry white wine (sauvignon blanc, brut champagne, pinot grigo, chardonnay).  Keep in mind that alcohol still contains a lot of calories and while it will not likely bump you out of ketosis, it does delay your body burning calories because it is too busy trying to destroy the evil alcohol from your bloodstream (dramatic music) so limiting intake in the first month really helps you to get in the swing and feel good and hydrated :P. Side Note: Ketal One makes new no sugar added Botanical Vodka and the Peach one and the cucumber mint one are fucking amazing, the end.

"Carb cycling" cheat days, and how to IF YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA CHEAT mentally prepare yourself for that.  Know what you want to eat, what isnt worth it, and how to stop yourself when you are done.  Ever been on a bender where you drank like three days in a row and by the end you're like dude wtf happened all I wanted was to drink friday night and now its sunday where did it go".  This has happened to me lots with holidays and special occasion weekends, and the best advice I have for you is to pay attention to how cheating makes you feel.  Don't feel guilty unless you feel bad for your progress or your body.  Sadly, potatoes make me feel like garbage so I try to avoid them like the plague even when I do cheat. Try to not eat for as long as you can handle after you cheat to allow your body some rest and to burn the glucose and glycogen that may be still in your system.  If you feel good enough some cardio or lifting may help to get you back in faster. Ultimately, if keto is a lifestyle for you, remember that life happens and its ok to be human, and eat things that are unhealthy as long as its not the normal.  Remind yourself that you deserve to be happy as well as healthy and balance that in your mind.  Being positive and recognizing this will help you to not fall off the deep end either way, by being too strict or completely abandoning keto, which often in the early phase will lead you to gaining all that weight you lost back. Carb cycling is a form of keto diet for athletes or very physical people who benefit from a quick carb before intense activity in order to feed their muscles or whatever but as I am not one of those people, I just stick to my higher carb fruits and veggies when I think I might go for a run or walk, or drag my ass down the road, whatever you'd like to call it. >_>

Things to avoid that are a waste of money Don't buy "exo ketones" or "Keto drinks" or powders, anything "bullet-proof" is basically bullshit, you can make the same things for zillions of dollars less and it will taste better as well. Keto urine strips are pretty much just a waste of money, they aren't really indicative of where you are at. Expensive "keto" supplements aren't necessary, take your multi and drink your electrolytes and you should be good to go.  Keep in mind if you are an intense athlete I am not so like talk to your doctor or coach dude.

[ktrxs]

7.12.19

My bun is sick. I called two hospitals. One didn’t have their rabbit person on site. They referred me to the second. I call the second. They don’t take fucking rabbits.

I go to other vets around the area. The websites refer me to the second hospital. The hospital that doesn’t take rabbits.

The last time he was sick with gas, he acted a lot worse. I audibly heard noises coming from him. This time, he’s silent, so I have no clue what’s happening.

My only option right now is to hope that he gets better like he did last time. I’m going to force-feed him soon. 

I just don’t get how veterinarians need a specialty for animals other than cats and dogs.

My only hope right now is that his energy isn’t as bad as last time. He’s still hoping around and doesn’t seem to be in pain. But the internet has me thinking he’s going to die.

Please, please, please be okay Rumple.

-------

I’m super late to work today. I have a huge writing assignment due at 10am tomorrow. I have to write for the biz. Brandon didn’t go to work until 2. We went food shopping. And then he was watching tv next to me. So of course I couldn’t concentrate because of that and

But of course, my mind is hyperfocused on the bun. I can’t stop worrying.

-----

I’ve been craving soda and coffee the last few days. I haven’t craved soda in so fucking long. Giving up soda was like the easiest thing ever even though I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it.

I’ve gone all of 2019 without a soda. Now, why do I crave one? 

I saw a vegan mocha cold brew coffee today at grocery outlet. I wanted it soooo bad. But I’m not paying 2.50 for a sip of coffee.. So i paid the 2.50 on vegan icecream instead because at least it’ll last longer.

Also have i mentioned how awesome being a vegan is?

It’s never been so fucking easy to be a vegan than RIGHT NOW. TODAY.

Literally EVERYTHING I want, I get and no babies are being tortured for it.

Even if I want to feel included with the fam and have familiar, childhood, family foods like burgers and hotdogs. BOOM MOTHERFUCKERS.

Vegan burgers and vegan dogs. Right at Walmart. Easily accessbile. 

Do I want cookies? BOOM Walmart, Dollar Tree. Vegan cookies. I even have a microwavable vegan cookie that I’ve been making (and basically surviving on since I no want to cook). 

It goes: 3 tbsp oat flour (literally oatmeal through a blender). 1 tbsp SUGAR (i know, but it’s a fucking cookie). 1 tbsp cocoa (because you can have chocolate as a fucking vegan). 1tbsp of peanut butter motherfuckas (i used peanut butter powder). Literally mix that shit with 2 tbsp of water and microwave for 1 minute.

Fucking cookie in my mouth.

Do i want ice cream? Even Ben & Jerry’s are on board. I love chocolate fudge brownie. And I have enjoyed vegan Ben & Jerry’s chocolate fudge brownie. But it’s hard to find. 

But So Delicious vegan ice cream is all over the place. BOOM! Ice cream.

What else... what else..... oh donuts. Well... i havent seen or eaten a vegan doughnut. I know of places within a 2 hour radius of me that sells vegan donuts. But... 2 hours. So you got me on the doughnuts. And i want  one sooooo bad xD

But ice coffee? check. fried, junk, comfort foods? check. Cereal? Check. Going out to restaurants? Almost check.

 I normally am able to find SOMETHING. Like I literally found dragon broccoli and fries on the menu at RED LOBSTER. My stomach was so full i almost died. 

But, of course I wouldn’t go to a steakhouse or Arbys or Hardee’s. Like... I won’t even go to a McDonald’s now unless they bring the vegan burger to the USA. Wendys is out. 

The selection there is so sad. Literally: plain baked potatoe. Side salad... pick off cheese. And Burger King, for reasons I will never know, changed their vegan veggie burger to a vegetarian one. We don’t stan a burger king anymore.

Pizza? My friends. there iz vegan pizza out there. it’s under some rocks but it’s easier than  donuts.

I’ve order a custom vegan pizza from dominoe’s. Little Ceaser claims to customize a veggie pizza without cheese. If you’re near a Mod’s Pizza, get fucking vegan cheese!

There are also wonderful ingredients you can find to make your own pizza. Vegan crust. sauce. vegan cheese if you can find it and veggies.

I know my mind is all over the place but it’s only because I’m hungry and procratinating.

being vegan is so fucking easy. if you want to be a health nut with it, go. if you want to eat exactly like you do now, go ahead and make those tiny switches. 

----

[sonofirishseas]

🍕 🍵 🍦 for all three. - @winterqueenandconsort

🍕 = What is your muse’s usual pizza order? Do they order any drinks, sides, or desserts to go with it?

Hector: isn’t too picky, will take whatever sounds good at the time, prefers meat though. Never orders sides, but always has a good stiff drink or beer along with it. Jack: like pineapple on his pizza, and will fight anyone who objects (which is sometimes Hector) Also in favor of alcohol rather than soda, will occasionally add sides (so he can hog the pizza and shut everyone else up) Mallie: Veggie, gets tons of shit for basically ordering a “pizza salad”, has a sweet tooth so always desserts, passes on soda.

🍵 = Does your muse prefer coffee, tea, or cocoa? Do they add any sweeteners? Iced or hot?

Hector: Coffee. Strong and black. It’s drunk out of necessity, not for pleasure. Will indulge in tea (black with cream), but its on the rare occasion. He will tell you cocoa is for children, but doesn’t turn down a cup if it’s offered (usually forcefully on holidays, because it isn’t worth the argument. He will totally spike it if given the chance) Jack: Hates tea, will indulge in coffee with no particular preference to flavor, will drink REAL drinking chocolate, prefers it with a pinch of chili powder. None of that watered down chocolate broth bullshit. (Also Hector chocolate is for everyone you salty idiot)

🍦 = What is your muse’s favorite ice cream flavor? Do they prefer eating it in a cone, cup/bowl, or straight from the carton? Do they use any toppings?

Hector: Mint chocolate chip, straight out of the carton, in the middle of the night, post hang over most likely. Fuck your toppings, he is not a child. Jack once filled his secret stash with rainbow sprinkles out of spite however, and the whole mess was inedible. What a dick.  Jack: Brownie batter, more than likely in a coffee mug because he hasn’t washed dishes or simply doesn’t have any. He buys whipped cream, but it’s usually eaten straight from can to mouth and never sees the ice cream. Mallie: Chocolate-chip, or cookie dough, in a bowl, with hot fudge. Only after dinner and only once in a blue moon because shit that stuff goes right to her thighs and never leaves.

#the muses be answering questions #memes #asked and answered #modern muses obviously #Hector just admit you enjoy shit you salty bastard