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#it’s nice to think theres other version of myself i wish i could go back and give her a hug she deserved one
ray-the-fanatic · 1 year
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seeing leosagi trend on twitter makes me so happy though at the same time i kinda avoid it cuz a majority of it is yu/ichi usagi that's with leo and i don't wanna ruin the fun of the people who enjoy the samurai rabbit show, i tried getting into the show a month ago but it just... did not catch my eye the same way rise did
maybe it's cuz the show's not technically about the og usagi or the fact that i struggle to care about cast and story itself cuz it feels... boring to me? idk, it's just hard for me to get into shipping rise leo with yu/ichi when i'm not really interested in the character or show (yu/ichi i mean), esp when i'm more attached to everyone's version of rise usagi
sorry if this seems a bit ranty ^^;;;
Okay  1. I was answering another ask when I saw this and deiced nope I need to answer this! 2.no so yes let us talk about this because i see you I feel you and get what you mean as well.3. Sorry this is gonna be a lil long.
Okay so I recalled when they originally announced doing the samurai rabbit show and I was excited cause Usagi content. Forgot about it till finally getting back into tmnt after being convinced to finally watch rise cause o didn't when it originally aired. Which sent me down a rabbit hole obsession on usagi in time for the Samurai Rabbit show coming out. And to make this easier when I say Usagi I’ll be talking about Usagi Miyamoto and Yu/ichi for Usagi Yu/ichi yes I know they have the same first name that's the point it’s just for clarification here.
Now I do not mind the show it’s fine for what it is and I think Yu/ichi is cute and interesting but I have a love hate thing for the show. I spoke to a mutual on tiktok about this and I know I made a post on my thoughts about the show. I like the concept of Usagi descendant  Yu/ichi trying to become a samurai in a future time period when Samurai aren’t around, because he idolizes Usagi. Only to find out Usagi is a bad guy so he tries to clear their name. Despite that set up its not really what we get and Yui/chi didn’t really clear their name im still annoyed about that. I do still enjoy Yu/ichi mostly the design I even drew some inspiration from it for my own rise usagi because I liked the bangs. And I do find he and rise leo could be fun buuuuuuuut He is not the Usagi I want.
See as I have gotten more into Usagi’s own series I have just really come to love the character even more and love the idea of him in rise compared to a cross over with samurai rabbit. I just love the idea of the conflict in personality I just want him to be a grounded samurai who is emotionally in touch. Like especially with Leo going into his role as a leader I just love the idea of that being when he meets Usagi because of how special that friendship is in the 03 series. Besides I enjoy the Lore of Usagi Yojimbo and would love tidbits of it in rise uwu
Well I will still share and enjoy ship art of both cause i’m greedy and like Leosagi I do agree with people that the two should have different ships names. I saw seabunny mention for rise leo and yu/ichi and thats cute. But yeah well the sudden boom on twitter been nice to see and I have a friend who prefers that version simply cause yu/ichi is cannon over a rise usagi is. Thats fine though I also feel there another reason for the push on yui/chi i’m just being skeptical though so i wont say that in this. I just personally perfect Usagi myself over yui/chi. Again theres nothing wrong with him it’s just well I feel hes getting more praise than what is earned really. Based off the show am I a fan of it? eh I like it i don't know if its something i’ll re-watch I wish the writing was better I kind wanna do a fix it fic for it but that's a lot of work compared to one shots lol
TL;DR: Well I dont mind yu/ichi as a charater when it comes to the leosagi thing esp for Rise I’m in the side of Usagi Miyamoto over Usagi Yui/chi. And feel they should have different ship names also 03/2012 usagi > over any other usagi uwu
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ode to fish lady, for my childhood
im depressed everyone. allow ke to explain why. i w
okay. i went to the store. fish lady looming st me through the window. like i mean her HEAD IS IN A TUB OF GLASS. there is a little bit of seaweed in there
kind of like thom york in that
music video. where he looms like hes suffering greatly for no apparent reason and his face starts to annoy you
her face is disgruntled i know shes judging me bc i have a toohat on and shes got a fish head and like. i dunno. life isnt fair. ive got a bunny rabbit in here thats my child self's bunny, who is lost amd chases stars on the street. and hes my favorite he reminds me of easter and things making sense when i was small
i glare at this bitchass fish lady. and i also motice that she has very large boobs. like you could be wrapped in them
anyways i broke eyecontact (after she looked away first cyz im not a pussy) and i got my fuckin. salami. and all my little college student snacks to tife me over and eat like a little rat.
i miss how id eat snacks with my best friend in the park, when we were in higschool. things were simpler. wed sit on the grass and construct the toys in the kinder egg candy. wed roam the city and wed get tired and wed want to talk at night and wed call through the day, about how we felt, what our lives were,
wed flirt and wed hurt each other.
i go up to fish lady who turns out to be the cashier. i think cashiers hate me. this fact is exacerbated by the fact that i always find a way to look as fucking clueless as possible. she glares at me but tell me to have a nice day
i like her. little bit. ive got my back on my back and i take it off and go inside. i feel like a kid today. i feel like lost like how i did when i felt more, most, everywhere, exploding, incessantly growing out of my own skin. i still felt like a little shell when i was in highschool like that. like so small.
my hat is sagging behind me as i walk
its dragging on the damn sidewalk
is salami a good enough replacement for kinder eggs.
do i get out of gnawing on salami what i got out of the kinder eggs??? do i care enough? if i got a kinder egg now. im pretty sure that it would be less nice as it was before with my best friend ever,
lately ive been wrenched away, a little sideways. where stuff aint the same, where im unavoidably growing
this salami is making me think different
when i was little i loved things that were perfectly ordinary. exactly right. i loved it. i followed , with t shirts over long sleeves so i felt just right.
with my bunny just right. things in line. with a fiery attitude that somehow countered all that. isa, my sibling being too nice
and then i GREW AGAIN. so suddenly to make me cry! theres an owl ina tree calling softly for my past self. the owl that everyone loved. it was everyones owl. and jow how am i in new uyork with a new ideneity i dont even know, without myself but clearly uanging on to a past version of me.
and im in new york and im jn new york and i wish i had a ling top hat that dragged on the ground with my star chasing bunny and my kinder eggs and my long sleeves my scooter my toys, my isa.
annd now isas gone
and im quite sad
and im sitting out . on the edge of the morning, typing to myself . wish i could say rains bangin on the window but really theres not the sound of honking and my roommates sleeping, and the vents working and , ill wake up again in three hours,
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96xie · 2 years
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validation and affirmation
here comes another long read!!! need to trauma dump before head becomes too empty i went out for brunch to help my big out on his research project which was really interesting, it was about cultural food! talked about how there was a lack of filipino restaurants here in sac despite the big community. 
anyways, i came back home with the intention of picking up my book and going out to do homework but i felt so much comfort laying down with cream puff on the couch. instead of human touch, i have my dog and honestly.... it’s just. i think its really nice. 
i got to talk to lisa a lil after, she was saying things like “am i bad person for being angry” and honestly im so angry for her situation because she didnt do anything wrong. she’s not a bad person for getting mad at people that did her wrong !!! so i was just telling her that her feelings are completely valid and HONESTLY she’s so friggin sweet and i love her and she would never wish anyone anything bad. i told her about how i kept seeing so many guys that looked like my ex on sunday and that it kinda ruined my mood because i thought it was a bad sign. i really liked the way she phrased it, “i think it’s the universe saying you should be able to reminisce about the old times because you’re ready for this new chapter and this is why its happening! because you’re now moving on!” and i really think she’s right
mocha sent me messages an hour or so saying that this was weighing on her mind for the whole week, she was mad that I have always been belittling myself, and that she really wanted me to look at myself the way they viewed me. her and brian were telling me how much they loved and cared for me, and i just continued to sob like crazy. when i had opened ryan’s package, i was saying things like “i dont think i deserve something this huge” and “i dont think im worthy to be in his space” and yknow stuff like that! and it definitely made mocha sad. and i get it !!! but its just so hard to see myself in a good light because theres just so much wrong with me. mocha was telling me allllll the parts she loved about me, and i cried even more because its the parts i dislike about myself :”( it’s just really hard to accept myself because i wake up and look in the mirror to see parts i just cant like. my eczema? its so bad. my neck is dark and the area behind my kneecaps are covered in wounds. how do you love your skin when its dry, discolored and has so many open and closed grey, pink and black wounds? how do you learn to love that? how do you feel confident when you see people giving you stares? how do you find confident? and so i continued to sob on my bed.
but mocha continues to shower me with words filled with love and i could hear brian saying he loves me too in the background. and i cant help but laugh and cry because i know how much they mean so much to me. i love and appreciate them, so i will give me a chance to love myself. i think its truly difficult right now, i think one small affirmation will do.
i went to get cookies with my sibs + big for a change and it was really nice! i poured out my fucking heart tho lmao ; v ; trauma dumped about my dad who was absent majority of my life, my mom who has continued to make me feel small even at my big ol age, and how i want to let others that i may possibly want to date in the future about what theyre getting into: like i want to let them know how bad my eczema is and how is intergrated into my life. and if thats something they can accept, then oh wow nice! but if you don’t want to see my countless scars and endless discolored patches on my body, i think it’s best that we don’t talk further because it would waste both our time. im just scared that when i see this person, i am different from their version and i would be setting them up for disappoint. i think thats what im scared of the most.
omfg i said inbetween that i was a solid 3/10. like legit i dont think im that good looking mainly because of my eczema. i cant wear shorts because it exposes the area behind my legs and i cant really wear crop tops and tank tops because my neck and armpit is gross, my belly has alot of scars and my birthmark is bleh. so .. just iono. i find alot of comfort with long skirts and long sleeves. and then my sibs and big yell at me because they think im a whole ass 10. dfgnbksdfg bro  ..... no im a 3 !!! but they were saying like nah we think you’re cute af and you’re fashionable and dfgbdfb ugh iono i just ... im a 3!!!!!! but they’re all so cute and funny debating against me :”)
one other thing i brought up was about my dad: how do i learn to love him when he has always been absent? how could he tell me he holds so much love for me yet not be there to protect me when my mom has repeatedly emotionally and verbally abuse me? how do i recover, how do i forgive, and how can i become a good daughter to him when i feel so betrayed? how do i love and forgive my mom when she constantly makes me feel so small? how do i love her when the space i enter is supposed to be safe when i feel like i always revert back to a hopeless 8 year old? how do i grow up to become an amazing adult when my environment makes me into the same 8 year old helpless child? damn i need to find a therapist quick.
my big asked me, “whats one thing you like about yourself” and i hate that question the most. because really i dont think its anything. we talked about both of us being an open book but its more like we’re only able to talk about everything and anything if its prompted. anyways, if i was younger than him, i would have definitely appreciated (i still do now even if i am older) his guidance. because i would have needed that.
do you ever feel like you miss someone SO much that your heart feels like it’s going to fall out?? because that’s mine right now :<
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alittleemo · 3 years
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had an interesting experience today in which i told some friends abt how i used to have hair down to my waist and they all went ‘:0 really? I can’t even imagine you with short hair’ and as someone who had such long hair for my entire pre-high school life it’s so strange to think people see me and don’t immediately associate me with that other version of me. very strange indeed.
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turtle-steverogers · 3 years
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hi mikey!! i was wondering what ur thoughts are on prewar stevebucky with trans steve?? everything u say is completely poggers btw :)
hello anon!! thank you very much!
and OH BOY DO I HAVE THOUGHTS
so being a trans guy myself, trans!steve is a very very dear concept to me... like the serum could be a parallel to testosterone... vaguely!
ANYWAY!!
i imagine it’s a point of deep shame for stevie. at first he thinks that he just wishes his body were stronger in general... not so skinny and sickly looking. but he realizes that whenever he thinks of a stronger version of himself... or even a happy version of himself, he’s male. that terrifies him and he doesnt really have a word for that thought process, so he vehemently shoves away where it can’t scare him more. maybe he’s just jealous of bucky, he thinks. yeah. that has to be it— bucky with his strong, healthy body and his easy demeanor and his popularity. bucky and his nice family and dad who isnt mean and drunk all the time. he’s jealous of a lot of things when it comes to bucky... maybe this is just another one of those things. he was 8 then.
bucky always called him a tomboy. once he even said that if he cut his hair, he could be just like a boy, in his hand me down trousers and shirts that he only wears when his father isn’t around the house. steve had told him to shut up, and bucky had, but it had stuck with him for days afterwards. was he just like a boy? only with long hair?
standing in front of the mirror, at 12 years old, steve holds his hair up out of his face. tucks it into a hat and thinks, yeah. that looks right. the thought makes him cry
of course... years later, when he turns 16 the thoughts still remain and hes self aware enough now to know it’s not jealousy.
there are clubs and bars for queer folk. he knows about them now, and he knows that what he’s feeling has a name. “tranvestites” are what folks like him are called, and maybe he’s crazy, but there are other crazy people like him, so maybe he could find that safe haven. maybe. he prays he can
bucky kisses him when they’re 18. it’s a lock sliding into place, a puzzle piece steve hadn’t known he’d been missing. he kisses back and that night, bucky takes him apart in bed, worshipping his body as if it were something good. under his touch, steve thinks maybe it is. maybe it can be good. if only for a few soft moments.
19 years old, grieving and broken from his ma’s death, steve cuts his hair. he’s tired. he’s so tired of losing people. losing a fight hes not sure he can win, and he’ll be damned if he’s going to lose himself too. bucky catches him in the act, and theres a suspended period of a few days where confusion and fear run rampant between them. they barely speak, but bucky can hear steve up crying in the night.
on the third day, bucky tells steve that he’s a queer. bisexual, if they’re getting into semantics. it’s a door— an opening. bucky has figured it out and he’s letting steve know it’s okay for him to let him in. let him know. and through relieved tears, steve tells him. it’s choked and messy— he feels off kilter and ugly with his knock up haircut job— but bucky pulls him close and bucky kisses him soundly and steve learns to breathe again.
bucky cuts his hair for real that night, and when he looks in the shitty cracked mirror, eyes welling with tears, he finally recognizes himself. bucky must see something in his eyes— a relief. something clicking into place. because he leans down and kisses his temple.
“there’s my sunshine boy,” he whispers. and it feels so fucking good. “what do i call you, darling?”
and oh yeah, steve hasn’t always been steve. with his body curling into the magnetic pull that is bucky barnes, he whispers back, “steve.”
“steve,” bucky smiles. “my stevie”
anyway yeah i wrote this on mobile cuz i got excited maybe i’ll write a fic one day we’ll see. but yeah!!! thanks anon, i love trans steve and i love any opportunity to talk about him
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heavcnslyre · 3 years
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ricky bowen x reader second series!! part one
— (continuation) starstruck au!
first series | series masterlist, part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven, part eight, part nine, part ten
IN WHICH you cherish the last few days you have with ricky before he leaves for california.
WARNINGS n / a
NOTES first part of my new series!!!! super cheesy but it’s sweet hope you enjoy!!
text dividers from @writeyourmindaway
lowercase intended
( tags: @hesvoid34 @omgdani17 )
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you smiled at ricky’s last message and clicked your phone off, cuddling back into your sheets. ricky had been staying with you the past few days and it was nice to be able to spend time with him, but he was leaving tomorrow. you constantly thought about how different it’s going to be— with him in california and you in new york. you lived such different lives: you were a high school senior in a random city in new york and he was a famous singer in los angeles, california. you were nervous to be away from him for so long, but you knew it wasn’t forever.
you had almsot drifted off to sleep again when you heard your bedroom door open and close. you opened your eyes and peeped over at ricky, who grinned at you when you made eye contact.
“good morning,” he said. he was carrying a box of donuts which he set on your bed close to your feet.
“morning!” you replied cheerfully as you sat up and grabbed the box. he sat on the bed carefully next to you. you pulled out a jelly filled donut.
“i am going to make such a mess on my bed,” you commented, powder already falling from your donut onto the sheets. he laughed and grabbed a glazed donut.
“no surprise there.”
you laughed and took a bite of your donut. after a minute, you turned to him. “what should we do today?”
“hm,” he thought for a moment. “good question.”
“i wish it wasn’t your last day here,” you said. “i have to go back to real life when you leave.”
ricky laughed. “yeah, it’s really been a nice escape, being here with you.”
you snuggled back into your blankets and looked up at him. “you could just stay. my whole family loves you, sure it’d be fine.”
“you know i would if i could,” he brushed your hair behind your ear. “i guess i have a career to get to, though.”
you hummed. “yeah. guess that’s sort of important, huh?”
“i guess,” he said. “you’re more important though, obviously.”
you smiled and grabbed his hand, tracing lines on it. “will you be recording ‘common sense’ when you get back?”
“of course,” ricky grinned. “i’ll release it as soon as possible.”
“i want to be the first to hear the recorded version.”
“well, it is about you, so sure.”
the two of you sat and talked for a while before you heard a knock on the door. you told them to come in and camilla peeked her head in the door.
“oh— uh, hi. sorry,” she said nervously. she had started to get used to the fact that you were dating ricky, but she was still a huge fan of his and wasn’t quite used to seeing him in her little sisters bed.
“hey cam. what’s up?” you asked.
“mom and dad wanted me to let you know we’re going to go out and get dinner tonight since ricky’s leaving tomorrow,” she said ricky’s name somewhat nervously, as if she wasn’t sure if she was allowed to address him casually.
“sounds great,” ricky smiled at camilla. she smiled back, in a you’re-my-sisters-boyfriend-and-i-think-i-approve type way. you nudged the box of donuts with your foot.
“donuts, if you want some.”
she peeked in the box. “any jelly filled?”
“should be a couple more in there,” ricky said. she grabbed one from the box.
“thanks guys. i’m thinking about going to a few shops today with my friend, if you wanted to tag along,” she said as she moved to the door. you looked at ricky and he shrugged.
“yeah, sure. just let us know when you’re going,” you said and camilla nodded before leaving your room. you turned to ricky.
“i think she’s getting used to having you here.”
he nodded. “definitely an improvement from when i came over after the dance.”
you laughed at the memory. when you returned home that day with ricky, ashlyn, and big red, you swore that camilla’s eyes popped out of her head. her face was red the whole time she spoke to him and she rambled on and on. of course, ricky listened and didn’t mind, but you thought her behavior was funny. shes usually so confident, and seeing her nervous was weird for you. you were just glad that she was getting used to him now and that they got along. you weren’t sure what you would do if your family didn’t like him.
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“you ready to go?” your mom asked, walking into the living room where you and ricky were watching a movie. you looked over at her and nodded.
“yeah. are we driving together or seperate?”
your mom shrugged. “you guys can drive seperate, if you want. cam’s meeting us there.”
“okay,” you turned to ricky. “you wanna drive or should i?”
“do you really want to drive?” ricky asked teasingly. you laughed and rubbed your eyes.
“maybe not. maybe you should,” he laughed and stood up, offering you a hand. you grabbed it and pulled yourself up.
“what restaurant is it we’re going to?” ricky asked your mom.
“applebee’s on third street. (y/n) knows where it is if you can’t find it.”
“okay, awesome.”
ricky grabbed his keys and the two of you left right behind your parents. ricky rested his hand on your leg and you scrolled through your phone. as you were on twitter, a thought popped into your mind.
“hey ricky? can i ask you something?”
“of course.”
“when do you think you’ll say something about us being together?” you asked gently, in a tone that hopefully portrayed that you weren’t mad, just curious. he thought for a second.
“maybe when i release common sense?” he suggested, glancing over at you. “i feel like by then things will be calmed down enough and i can be truthful about who it’s about.”
you grabbed his hand and intertwined your fingers. “that’s perfect.”
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“so, ricky,” your dad asked as you were sitting at the restaurant. “do you have anything you’re working on when you get back to california?”
ricky hummed. “i actually have an album in the works and theres potential for a role in a movie as well. but i’m also going to be focusing on spending time on myself and people i care about.”
you and ricky made eye contact and you smiled. you had had a conversation about how he puts too much on his plate and that he needed to focus on doing what he wanted to do, and he really took that to heart. he planned to spend more time writing his music and he was only going to do this movie if it felt right for him.
“that’s a great plan,” your dad said. “i’m excited to see how you do in the future.”
“thank you, mr. (y/l/n), that really means a lot to me,” he said. “when do you think you guys will make it out to california next?”
“definitely the summertime,” your mom said. “i’d love if we could go sooner but... going across the country isn’t necessarily a weekend trip.”
“yeah, i get that,” ricky laughed. “summers not too far, though!”
“yeah, in the meantime you can just take a drive to glendale and become best friends with my grandma,” you teased. ricky laughed.
“very true.”
the five of you sat and talked at dinner for over an hour, and your family got to know ricky. it was really nice to see them getting along. eventually, you all decided it was time to leave and let other people have your table. as you were walking out in the parking lot, ricky turned to your parents.
“i think (y/n) and i will go for a bit of a drive, if that’s alright?” he asked. your dad nodded and checked his watch.
“sure thing. just drive careful and be back before 12?”
“awesome, thanks!” ricky said and the two of you walked hand-in-hand back to your car.
“so, where are we going?” you asked as you got into the passengers seat.
“just for a drive. nowhere specific. besides, i know nothing about your city. we might get lost.”
you laughed. “this city isn’t that big. but getting lost is not that big of a deal. we’ll figure it out.”
“i’ve said this before— no one i’d rather get lost with than you,” ricky said, then grinned at you. you grinned back and grabbed his hand.
“right back at you.”
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you and ricky ended up getting ice cream then finding a park to walk around in. but then, you quickly realized that it was new york in the middle of january, and you were freezing. you sat in the car together, sitting and talking as you looked at the stars. you had learned a lot about each other recently and you just continued to learn new things about him. you were able to pick up on little things he did; like run his hand through his hair when he was talking a lot and how his ears turned red when he got embarrassed.
ricky drove the two of you back to your house right around 11:30. everyone was asleep, as you assumed they would be. you made your way upstairs and into bed and ricky slipped in next to you, a few minutes later. you cuddled up next to him and he wrapped his arms around you.
“i’m going to miss this when you leave,” you sighed. he held you tighter.
“yeah. me too.”
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“are you sure you have everything?” you asked ricky nervously, handing him one of his bags at the airport. your parents had left to go look at some of the shops to let you say goodbye. he gave you a light smile.
“yes. and if i forgot anything, you can just mail it to me. or, we can use it as an excuse to see each other sooner,” you laughed.
“are you sure you’ll be okay flying by yourself? are you comfortable?” you asked, he lifted your chin so you would look him in the eye.
“love, i’ll be fine. don’t worry,” your face softened and you leaned in to kiss him. he moved his arms to your waist and you moved yours to around his neck. when you pulled back, you rested your forehead against his.
“i can’t believe you’re going to be across the country from me, and in a different time zone,” you said. he rubbed your back.
“i know. but i’ll call you, everyday. call, not just text. and... i’ll update you on everything i’m working on, my songs, the movie, whatever.”
you nodded and pulled away from him. “just... take care of yourself, ricky. and don’t find another girl to be with in california.”
“trust me, i won’t,” he laughed. “my heart is here, with you.”
“so cheesy,” you teased. ricky rolled his eyes fondly.
“flight 258 to los angeles, california is now boarding!” you heard over the loud speakers. you sighed.
“guess you should go,” you said.
“guess i should.”
you smooth out his sleeves distractedly. “text me as soon as you land, okay? and say hi to big red for me, and your parents.”
“i will. my parents are excited to meet you for real, soon.”
“i’m excited to meet them. june, hopefully. then you, me, red and ashlyn will be altogether again. that’ll be nice.”
“yeah it will be! and i can finally show you more of california. it’ll be great,” you nodded.
“okay, enough of these cheesy goodbyes. no ones dying. facetime me later, i’ll see you soon.”
you kissed him again quickly and he turned to get to his gate as the warning was called for his flight. you sighed as you watched him leave. before he walked onto his plane, he turned around and waved at you. you waved back, a big smile on your face, and he turned to walk onto his plane. as he disappeared from your vision, your parents and camilla approached you.
“he board his plane?” your dad asked. you nodded.
“you okay?” camilla asked you gently. you looked over and nodded. she put her arm around your shoulder. “c’mon. lunch is on me.”
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localcryptids · 3 years
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This is a vent post, I've tried journaling about it and it didnt help much and I cant see my therapist for another week I am also on mobile and dont know how to do the keep reading thing so here you go read if you want theres about 200 of you but idk how many are active so yeah this is about relationship issues and self perception
I met this guy and we hit it off and I thought we were really good friends and I didnt see any thing wrong with how he frequently mentioned how much he wanted to cuddle with me or give my forehead a kiss because that's what friends do right? That's what I do with my friends. It was about two years before I cuddled on the couch during a movie with one of my friends and the other friends it took us a while to get to that level of platonic intimacy and I've only known this guy for a month but we talk all the time so it's fine right? He calls me hot and beautiful and tells me how much he likes talking to me. He tells me about his life and paints himself as a trodden down hero. And I fall. I fall despite knowing I'm a lesbian. I fall despite swearing I'm not ready for a relationship. I trust quickly despite knowing that's how you get hurt. I tell myself I know the red flags, I've done this before, you all know I've done this before if you've been here a long time. I break my own rules I make exceptions because hes in therapy and shows he can grow as a person and I shouldn't hold others to such a high standard. I break the rules I made to protect myself and when I realize I panic. I'm in a relationship with this man and its moving fast and I dont want to get hurt again and I'm scared because I dont want to go through this again I thought i could tell but, that's the thing, some people are really good at hiding their intentions. I dont think his intentions are ill but hes making me not me. Hes making me into a version of myself I was and not who I am now. Who I was was an unhealthy broken person completely dependent on one person. Who I am now is still broken but the pieces have been put back together with love and care. Why can i feel those pieces breaking off again? I thought he was nice but he only wanted me for my body and I was scared he would leave so i gave it to him. Hes using me as his manic pixie dream girl like others have done in the past and I wish people wouldnt use me like an object to fix their problems. I'm not an object. I think. Am I? I wish I would stop falling for the trick. The trick is designed for you to not see it, I know this isnt my fault but I just want a friend who befriended me for me and not because they wanted to fuck me and for me to ultimately let them because I dont want to be alone. I wish I could stop this. I am growing though. I recognized the signs quicker this time. I know I will recognize them quicker in the future. I know I will get better. I know getting better isnt linear. I cant help but think that maybe it's just my ptsd acting up. Maybe he is this nice guy that I feel safe around. But if he really is, why am I so scared hes not? Why is he changing me to fit what he wants? Why is he giving me love and then dropping something traumatic he experienced and needed to get off of his chest after? I told him I didnt want to be his therapist. Does he really have a therapist? Did he just tell me that to get me to love him? Do I love him or do I love the idea of not being alone? I dont know, I cant tell, my head is upside down and I cant find a way out. Escapes take time and I just need to put the walls he took down back up until I can. I need to make him think I am falling for it. Does this make me bad? No, I'm doing this to survive. I think. I cant tell. Reality is blurry. I can't tell.
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voidselfshipp · 3 years
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Double The Gambit, Double The Fun.
Cw: food ment, Eye contact, ask to tag.
Ok to rb
Summary: by some reason gambit finds his version from another dimention, and jerico has to deal with the consequences.
A/n: heres the second gambit aka ettiene.
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Jerico was too distracted on her phone, there wasnt much to do other than wait for her laundry to be done, wich she asked Jean who was also in the laundry room to let her know that it was finished.
Ignoring the footsteps as she sunk in the sofá shes suddenly startled by a voice she knew all too well.
--wasnt expectin you here Cherie-- remy said, leaning on his Cane.
She raises a brow looking at the man-- ah mira quien vino (ah look who decided to come by), nice to see you again gambit, thought youd be too busy gambling and scamming people
-- I dont scam thats filthy work-- he added leaning slightly foward.
Theres a silence that lasts a few seconds before they both laugh.
She stands up, greeting Him properly.
-- so whats up?
He sighed, tipping his hat-- we May have a situation,follow me
-- that doesnt sound misterious or anything...--quipped the woman walking.
When they got to the courtyard, there he was, a Man,leaning on a beautiful coupe Nova,too distracted playing with a coin he doesnt notice them both walking.
--i was walkin to see the professor-- started gambit-- and I fell to the floor, when I stood up I found him there
-- a New student?
-- no sweetheart, thats me, but from other dimention, at least thats what the professor told us
Jerico raises a brow--uh, Sir?-- she asked as the other gambit looked at him.
-- well well well, the southern belle herself, jerico nice to meet you, im--
--remy, i know-- she snorted thinking he'd shake her hand, but of course he grabbed her hand and kisses her knuckles,winking.
Not only she had to bear her remys flirt but now a second one? She was sure she might pass out if the two of them teamed up to mess with her.
-- and you brought me here because?
-- the professor told me to ask you to read his emotions to see if hes up to something
Jer scoffed and smiles--if its you, then he might be-- the men laugh and she looks at the second remy.
--Dont worry If it feels weird, im not going to hurt you
-- even if you did sweetheart I wouldnt mind-- the second remy winked.
--callate vos-- she answered in a fit of giggles.
She knew how to shut him up, she took his forearm and traced her fingers across the soft fabric of his coat, thumb caressing his wrist up to holding his hand.
Her free hand pressed itself against his cheek holding it softly, and she closes her eyes.
Her remy, the one from her dimention was snickering as his copy was starting to blush by the tenderness of jericos hands.
Who, as soon as she finished readind his emotions she let go, he almost whines but for his pride he shuts up Real quick.
-- hes fine, dont worry, id assume you two are gonna share a dorm?
Remys dorm was just Next to hers,she tries to play it cool but she was freaking out.
--yeah-- the two remys answered at the same time.
--Now that I think of it, we should reffer to him--she pointed at the second remy-- a different name,...god ,what was your middle name, ...ettiene?
Remy nodds, and the now ettiene tilts His head raising his shoulders.
Jerico heard jeans voice in her head telling her that the laundry was done, so she said her goodbyes and Walked back into the mansion.
As she shoves her clothes into a basket she looks at Jean-- your boyfriends texting during class?
The telepath smiles laughing-- he wants me to help him with his test
--what if the professor finds out?
Both women look at eachother to then laughs-- well he May think its clever!-- added Jean-- speaking about boys, heard about the second remy, youre gonna have it rough huh?
Jer giggled-- well, double the fun I guess,anyway, bye Jean!
--bye jerico!
The empath Walked back to her room upstairs and left the basket on a corner going to her bed to collapse.
The rest of the day was calm as both gambits settled down in their room.
They were talking when they heard Jers voice singing from the other room.
Its a song in spanish, they cant place what shes saying.
-- southern belles singing-- said ettiene sitting on his bed.
-- shes always singing,I always listen-- added remy leaving his staff against the wall-- I wish I could hear her speak spanish more often, she has such a beautiful accent
--That she does
At night the students all went to get their food, jubilee and Jean went out for the night, leaving jerico all alone in the mansion.
As she grabs her food, she hears the footsteps she learnt how to identify, she turns around meeting with both of the gambits.
Remy, not missing a beat in teasing her he goes-- whats a pretty Lady like you, doing in a place like this?
-- in the kitchen? Getting food-- he looks at her with his brows furrowed--...fine-- she sighs fighting back a smile-- fella done me wrong, Im distracting myself from the thought of him
Ettiene also jumped in, they were like brothers teaming up to annoy someone.
--well-- said the second gambit-- hes a fool for leaving such a pretty Lady behind
-- oh hes not that bad-- added jerico-- hes a very flirty Man with a nice sense of fashion, one day I might even give him a chance...
-- lucky fella-- added remy.
-- yeah, but I know theres more to him that a secure, cheeky exterior, one could even say afraid-- she leaned in both of them taking their hand.
They both were nervous-- afraid of hearbreak-- she leaned closer.
She then snatches her Plate and her bottle of soda and leans back-- but then again, arent we all?
She left the kitchen with a huge smile on her face as a very flustered remy shouted-- how come you always turn it around?!
--i know you remy!-- she shouted back.
While she Ate, the two men went upstairs back to their dorms,having ate early, they went to bed early.
--i see what you see in her-- ettiene said taking off his shoes.
-- shes the best isnt she?...I never had problem facing a Lady but with her is different
--guess no Point in hiding your feelings from her?
Remy nodded-- she already knows, but I dont know if ya noticed, but when she reads emotions you can feel a bit of hers,she wont do the first move
-- shes scared?
-- yep, cant blame her tho, as she said, arent we all scared of rejection
Jerico finished eating her food, and left the Plate on the kitchen.
When she got to her room she sat in bed,seeing what jubilee and Jean sent her.
They seem to be having fun.
Looking at the time she sighed.
Going to knock on remys door.
If her Friends were having fun, why shouldnt she?
--Ah, look who came by ettiene
-- salty for todays lose LeBeau?
--maybe, but its late what are you--
Jerico kissed him, he kissed back, taken off guard as his arms slipped around her waist pulling her in his room closing the door with his foot.
When they pull away, ettiene comes behind remy and smiles.
-- theres one for you to ettie-- said jerico kissing ettiene softly, he hugs her smiling like a kid in love.
-- well, im assumin you didnt come by just to kiss us good night
She shakes her head pulling both men in for a hug, it felt nice.
-- no, I came by to hang out with you two, I was all alone in my room, figured id come by and spend time with my two favorite men -- said jer.
Both smile cupping her cheeks one each.
-- look at you getting us all in love with you-- said ettiene pressing his forehead against hers-- god, youre beautiful...
Remy pressed a kiss to her jaw and her neck pulling her closer-- im just glad I can finally hold you
Jerico smiles-- guys I feel like im about to melt, stop--
Both chuckle hugging her tighter.
-- well-- said ettiene-- me and...me, were going to watch a movie, fancy staying for a while?
She nodds and the three slip in bed, cuddling as they watch said movie.
The first one to fall asleep was ettiene, then remy who had his face on the crook of her neck.
Jerico was the last one to fall asleep, in the arms of both her lovers, safe from the outside world.
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kyu-bri · 4 years
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Magia Rapport pt 7
@magiarapport​
August 29th prompt: What moment, concept, or character makes you happiest from the game? Why is this?
I wrote these all August 30th and I’m burnt out at this point. I’ve covered Alot of what I love about the series previously but I’ll give highlights and hopefully won’t ramble for 1000 words.
A character that makes me really happy is Yachiyo, to get to see a Real veteran magical girl, one whose been doing this since far too young, seen far too much, and not only survived but learned to hope and dream again through the power of Friendship, I think that’s the most magical girl you can get.
The concept I like the most really is Magia Record in general. We take Puella Magi Madoka Magica, best known for popularizing the grimdark magical girl trope and- while it did it very tastefully, launched a series of very untasteful takes that gave us a whole bunch of Sparkly Little Girl Torture Porn.
I know that wasn’t what Madoka Magica was going for though. And it’s not what I took from it either. I said I didn’t like Madoka’s sacrifice at the end. The idea that a girl had to sacrifice herself so that every other girls like her in the world had their chance to be happy, it didn’t fix the issue.(and it wasn’t trying to, but-) Then Rebellion happens and we actually get a ‘better’ conclusion to that! The girl who loves her decides to rip her out the gotdang sky and Force Her to be happy. She becomes a Devil so that the girl she loves can be a normal teenager again. And then she’s painted as toxic because she went against that girls wishes. Madoka’s alive again but at what cost? (The cost of Homura’s own happiness and sanity Rebellion still isn’t a good end either 4th movie where are you)
Magia Record quite literally wasn’t Capable of going that heavy. Because theres still a 4th movie to work around and even excluding that, Rebellion to ignore. Madoka Magica has worked hard to keep making material using it’s multiverse bullshit and stretching it to explain all sorts of Technically Canon continuations, but Magia Record was one of the bigger stories that would have a lot harder time covering its ass.
This makes the story feel watered down at times. It’s clunky and idealistic and hanging by a thread. This even seems represented by it’s Record in Madokami’s collection being fragile, such ‘explaining’ how it’s Special. But honestly? It’s exactly what the Madoka Magica Extended Universe needed and deserved.
Magia Record is a fanservicey cringey badly written cashgrab and NA server going down brings me relief. The game was tiring to play and the writing was subpar and awkward when it wasn’t downright unbearable and I didn’t have to look at a middleschooler in their battle bikini.
But it gave me everything I wanted out of Madoka Magica.
It gave me little girls being allowed to hope and actually making changes and progress with it. It gave us found families, multiple instances of them- it gave us girls in love and even an explicit lesbian that can’t be brushed away. Girls teamed together because of hardship or friendship or just because they needed somebody.
Our original girls got to come back in an alternate universe where not everything has gone to shit yet. They get to get saved from their doom and talked down from their despair and reconcile while they still could and pull through it all together and then be allowed to stay that way. We got a universe where Madoka’s confidence was bolstered by becoming a magical girl and Homura got to save her from both death and despair. Mami got her literal guardian angel to save her from her grisly fate and then she got to reunite with her dearest Kyoko. And throughout all of this pain and joy and drama Sayaka was too busy to get all worked up over a stupid boy who never appreciated her.
Magia Record is shallow, idealistic, inconsistent nonsense. But it’s because it isn’t capable of being too dark and heavy that lets it and all the girls living within it actually be happy, hopeful slice-of-life magical girls like the childrens shows that started the genre.
I’m grateful for that if nothing else. And I’m glad that it let me see my girls safe and happy when they first became my girls through my wanting to make that for them by myself.
My favorite moment is when every girl bands together, using the wishes that in other versions of the universe might’ve ruined their lives, and takes that power to protect and uplift eachother. They made a miracle happen with their wishes once again, on their own terms, and used it to all save themselves.
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I’m thanking the community and especially @muffinrecord​ for putting this event together and encouraging me to share with everyone me sobbing grossly about magical girls! It’s been nice playing with you all. I hope we have many happy times still ahead. <3
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meduise · 4 years
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Whats some of ur fav dino, dino/hibari hcs?
finally i could reply to this ask!! which, anon, i still thank you for bc its the best thing i could ever be asked to talk about ww
reading will likely take some time, but i hope you and whoever else reads this post will share some hcs or at least find them nice ad interesting enough! and of course, i’ll be happy to answer more asks about it!! like the hibari-only post, i may come back to this one and update it over time
general warning for death mentions and spoilers from the novel “haneuma stampede”!!
hopefully this post wont be hidden from the tag search
dino headcanons
until i read about haneuma stampede, i pretty much always headcanoned dino’s hometown being naples, and this because i have neapolitan origins myself www in the light novel we get to know that dino’s hometown is a port city facing the adriatic sea (east) hence the opposite coast to naples, since this town faces the tyrrhenian sea (west). because of this piece of information, tho, i started thinking dino could be from bari, apulia’s capital city
being that a self projection, im still attached to that hc, so to keep at least a part of it i gave dino neapolitan grandparents LOL i mean, it’s not unlikely anyway
this is a recent hc but dino has a huge crush on is a big fan of immanuel casto, a gay italian singer whose most songs are explicit or suggestive and provocative
i think we all can agree that romario is like a second father to dino, right? their bond gets even stronger after cavallone nono’s death ;; romario will occasionally drop his habit to call dino “boss” and call him with his first name instead. dino will remind romario quite often how important he is to him beyond his role as his right-hand man
What Do You Mean Dino’s Tattoos Magically Appeared On His Body When He Was Deemed The Worthy Successor,,, i (falls on my knees) hc’ed that getting them done took A LOT and hurt A LOT and he yelled A LOT to the tattoo artist to stop inking and to his family that he didnt want to belong to that world,,,, im sorry dino
his tattoo and his duty as a boss in general dont give him much freedom (or should i say they dont give him freedom at all) so among the other hcs of situations where he has to cover his left arm, i have this one where dino cant but go to the beach when its empty and/or at night so that no one can see him but his men
the years may pass but he will still blame himself for his father’s death. and i mean. its pretty much true that it was his fault orz thanks light novel for giving me depress
onto the personality-wise hcs,, i talked about hibari’s enneagram type so i cant not do that for dino too. dino is 2w1, which gets called the servant. starting with the basic type: depending on the level of health, the two (”the helper”) ranges from being the most genuinely caring and helpful type to other people to being the type who gives expecting to be given something back to being the type who manipulates people into caring about them. i dont believe dino has fallen or will ever fall into the very unhealthy pit but he does get on the level where he thinks his generosity is the only thing that tie people to him and his people-pleasing attitude starts getting suffocating. he can be quite possessive, too. in a few words, type one is a very principled type, who fears being defective, bad and corrupt. therefore i assigned dino the one wing to kinda enhance the following paradox: being what he hates the most, aka part of a rotten system such as the mafia one. and with a role as a boss, to it. dino as a teenager never wanted to succeed to his father, and even now he wishes he didnt belong to that world but he loves his family, and even tho according to the moral he deserves to go to jail together with his men, he is self-admittedly too much of a coward to do that (theres so much more to add to this but if i do it will get REALLY long. there’s going to be another little enneagram talk in the d18 hcs anyway, lol)
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dinohiba headcanons
these bitches gay good for them, good for them
advanced apologizes for being an angst fucker but for years my #1 headcanon has been a quite twisted one about dino and hibari not allowing themselves die by the hand of someone who isn’t each other’s. its a sort of oath. they feel like if one of them dies it will be unforgivable, and this will lead them to ultimately kill each other. in their mind, “it’s either both or none of them”, both know that they won’t be able to bear with the other being gone forever (yes, hibari too) and the only solution they find is leaving the world together, the same way they fought on it and against it together. the scenario i thought for this is a duel inside the reverse globe of needles. their last fight in hibari’s ultimate technique so that it’s literally just a world made of the two of them lol lol lol
tbh dino didnt like hibari at first, and with hibari being hibari it takes them long to warm up to each other. for long i mean some years w (years of anger, fights, hardship, trauma reveal, and so on)
their first bonding moment happens when hibari finds out about fon (yeah, all the stuff i talked about in my hibari hc post to which i have to add: i made my own timeline where the arcobaleno arc happens about 2 years later than shown in canon). dino is there to comfort him. dino hugs hibari and he lets him do. hibari cries. HIBARI CRIES for the third (3rd) time in his life there
i have this kinda specific hc of dino overhearing hibari sing hitoribocchi no sadame and getting sad about its lyrics
for obvious reasons even when they start dating they’re forced to spend most of the time away from each other but they make sure to be together at least on every anniversary
i love the established relationship trope so much therefore 80% of the times i think and write about them hibari is in his 30s and these two have been married for like 7 years 
i’ll get to the marriage proposal and ceremony another time hopefully in a fic too but of course romario and fon are chosen for their best men
idk if people consider ship playlists and such as hcs, but i associate savages by kerli and someone to stay by vancouver sleep clinic to them ;;
about someone to stay: the line will you fix me up? will you show me hope? is hibari -> dino, and the line can you keep me close? can you love me most? is dino -> hibari
and finally, to go back to the topic of enneagram: their compatibility according to their types. on the institute’s official site theres already a good description, which makes me cry everytime i go back to it because it literally starts with “These two types are more alike than they might appear to be at first”. part of this is given by the fact that unhealthy twos get the unhealthy traits of eights and healthy eights get the healthy traits of twos. i made a scheme for it:
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i admit that i have no proof that the comparison is legit for the wings too, but finding out the stress/growth correlation even for them was very validating and satisfying, lol
some headcanons are missing from this post bc i decided to post the most important and my fave ones (the fave ones are those asked for in the first place but i cant shut up ashdjsdhfdjsdhfg)
but either way OVERALL i really, really love imagining both dino and hibari overcoming their hardships, individually and together, becoming the better versions of themselves the more the years pass, bringing their best qualities to each other and learning to accept and appreciate their different points of view. 
because of the way they are at first they... dont really start good, but with health and trust they make a powercouple tbh
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artsninspo · 5 years
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PULSE - Part II: Pulse
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PART I | PART II | PART III
“Elle!” Kizzy’s voice says banging on the door. “Come on, it’s jerk fest. Lets get you ready!” Kiz continues. Anywhere else she would have ran to the door as a courtesy to her neighbours but here theres no need. “Look at you, such a princess” Kiz laughs looking at Elle in her white robe and hair in a matching towel, both monogrammed with silver thread. She’d been like that since she was a child. Disney overload and too much time gawking at her GG’s glamour. Kiz’s upbringing was different though they were close as children. Her mom the lawyer and her father the sports star turned cultural museum curator.
“I don’t like being called princess all of a sudden” Elle responds, shaking her head to rid herself of the Mr. Asshole memory and opting to share it with Kizzy.
“Sorry, excuse me, he did what?” Kizzy asks Elle with wide eyes. Elle had contemplated telling her hot headed cousins the truth. Ultimately, she decided she’d be honest - just in case Mr. Asshole was crazy enough to do more than talk to her crazy.
“Kiz, I wish I was exaggerating.” Elle shrugs and Kizzy’s eyes close - she bursts into laughter the complete opposite reaction than Elle had expected. She shakes her head as tears come to her eyes and she holds her stomach continuing to crack up.
Has she lost it?
“Kiz?” Elle reasons and the laughter subsides as Kiz turns to her cousin shaking her head.
“So we have this thing about outsiders. Every so often some brave person comes in, sometimes its curiosity, sometimes its investors paying people to feel the pulse of the city and infiltrate whats ours. Gentrify us, divide us more than we already are, cause problems. I’m not saying he doesn’t have home girls or bail money but it sounds like a scare tactic to me” Kiz smiles and Elle sits back.
How fucking weird is this place?
It did make perfect sense, shed grown up around political figures and destabilization and inflation were two elements that successfully promoted gentrification and erasure. Everything here was visibly black owned and operated. Everything unapologetically black.
“I mean it makes sense, I guess” Elle shrugs not completely sure what to make of things yet.
“Why else would a straight man be rude instead of trying to get in your pants Ellie, come on.”
“I don’t know Kiz. But add him being an asshole in as well because he did toss a man down the stairs and he’s gives off leave me alone vibes, he was even rude to the women. I’m not getting special treatment”
Kizz smiles at her cousins naiveté “You’re always getting special treatment princess. GG Jillian wouldn’t expect anything less from her girls”
The nostalgia of the past made things easier, there was distance and familiarity. They could be the versions of themselves that made them most happy around each other without judgement. Unlike everyone else Kizzy never pried.
The festival was everything to Elle, she couldn’t stop smiling. It felt like summer at the family house, the music, the cooked food, the people dancing and having a good time. She couldn’t remember the last time she laughed so much. Uncle Kell got plastered and her legs were sore from all the dancing. A woman with the look that accompanies leaving Mr. Assholes room passes her on her way out.
Pig
Every few days there seemed to be a new face mixed into his rotation of woman that clearly kept coming back to get screwed by a man with a bad attitude.
On cue Mr. Asshole himself emerges from the stairs below holding two laundry baskets. Elle had come to recognize dark denim a black tee and his gold chain as his uniform. She continued up the stairs without an acknowledgement reaching in her purse to get her keys before turning back to him.
“I’m not here to get the pulse of the city or change it by the way. In case thats what was fuelling your bad attitude” Elle comments. A knock at the front door interrupts her. They turn in unison before Mr. Asshole jogs down to give the person a look.
“Black, whats up” the man says respectfully. “I was coming to introduce myself to that lady but if she’s yours-“ Black shuts the door in the mans face before he can continue, showing off his glowing personality. The man takes it as his cue to leave and Elle turns continuing up the stairs with her keys in hand.
“That was nice of you” Elle comments sarcastically.
“It’s a scam, lip service leads to you coming home to an empty apartment. Whole neighbourhood sees the deliveries, your movers talk a lot too” Black comments making her feel stupid again with his unimpressed expression and exasperation.
He thinks I’m an idiot.
“Thanks for caring” Elle gives an amused and dismissive smile to get under his skin. It works.
“Don’t feel special. You call the cops, and it’s in my interest to keep them out of here. Your shit is fine” he points to her apartment before pushing the door open to his.
“Then I’m lucky to have you here” she smiles killing him with kindness and he smirks shaking his head.
“Tell whoever told you about pulse that you need a bodyguard or a babysitter cause your attitude is going to get you in trouble.” Black comments leaning in his doorway and looking her over. He seemed most alien of all to Elle. He’s handsome, doing well enough for himself has women and respect - why’s he so mean?
“Anything else?” She asks with a nice nasty tone - he smiles again. Its perfect as he shakes his head.
“Nah, you’re crazy. You’ll be just fine” he comments.
Elle nods the animosity slightly lessened between them. “Goodnight..” She trails wanting a name.
“People 'round here call be Black. Satisfactory Elle Blake?” He says giving her goosebumps as he leans in the doorway with he same cool expression. Her surprise gives him some satisfaction. “This is my world sweetheart” he patronizes.
“Hmm” Elle smiles. “Never cared enough to look you up” she comments turning the tables and heading into her apartment. Honestly, she didn’t hate him. Elle could tell he was dangerous but she also knew he wasn’t the kind of loose cannon maniac that she needed to actively fear. He’d fuck with her but he wouldn’t physically harm her - especially just because of her smart mouth. No matter how prissy anyone thought she was - Elle Blake would never be anyones bitch.
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Elle couldn’t be sure about what she was hearing. Flipping up her sleep back and removing her ear plugs the sounds only grew louder. A fire alarm and knocking at her door.
Shit.
“I’m up, I’m coming” she shouts grabbing her most prized possessions and pulling on her robe locking her door and running out in her house shoes.
“Fuck” she muttered once she was outside and could see the firefighters and made a mental checklist of all the things that were still inside. The air tastes like ask and everyone is looking upwards at the house spouting water. Elle texts Kizz to let her know she’s alright even though its three in the morning.
“Everyone is out safe” A man says by the looks of him he’s the super.
“The structural engineer won’t be in for another two hours” A firefighter says and Elle groans looking around at the people around her who have found spots to get comfortable.
“Busses are on their way to keep them comfortable” another firefighter says as Elle surveys the crows finding Black in no time at all.
“Hey, wheres the nearest safe hotel?” She asks holding her bag. “I’d love to do the back and forth thing with you right now but I’m a raging bitch if I don’t get enough sleep.” She sighs.
“Why hotel?” He asks more alert.
“Heard they have to wait for the okay from the structural engineer and it’ll take two hours” Elle reasons.
“Fuck outta here” Black says heading towards the super. “Wheres the damage?” He asks.
“Kitchen on the eight floor” the super says and Black gives Elle a look that says fuck this heading back inside the apartment. She follows and no one stops them.
I guess the bad attitude ain’t so bad.
Is her last conscious thought before she falls back to sleep.
________
TAGS: @bugngiz @lifelover4u @l-auteuse @notsomellowmushroom
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sicksweetcreamy · 4 years
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OC-TOBER
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i did a inktober challenge for my OC uwow more under the cut
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Day 1: intro
meet Maro Moon; theres the reality version (Mareal/MRL) and the dreaming version, (Maream/MRM). Both are the same person, MRL is just the outer shell and MRM is the inside of the shell
Day 2+5: family+younger verison
MRL: I have a dad and a mom and a bunch of cousins and aunts and uncles that I don’t really know. This is the only picture I have of myself as a kid, because I didn’t really like photos. Mom and Dad died a year ago, but just from old age, I guess.
Day 3: friends
MRL: I lost contact with all of my school friends. My coworkers aren’t exactly friends, but they’re the closest thing to it. There’s Neil, Rebecca, Sammy, and Brandon. I don’t know very much about them, except that Neil smokes weed and that Rebecca’s hella rich but her parents made her find a job and that Sammy and Brandon are dating, but that’s about it. We work at a movie theater and it’s a pretty okay job.
Day 4: youngest memory
MRL: My memory’s pretty bad, but I think that when I was about 4, we went to the beach and I got salt water in my eyes and I cried, but it was a fun trip, even if that’s the only part I remember. In fact, I think that the photo I showed you is from that time.
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Day 6: dreams and ambitions
MRL: I don’t really have any big goals as of now. My job’s okay and my apartment’s nice, so I can’t really ask for much. I guess a boyfriend would be nice and we could go on dates and kiss and hold hands and do boyfriend stuff together, you know?
Day 7: worst memory
MRL: Oh man, there are a lot. I'm really bad at choosing the-best-of-the best or the-worst-of-the-worst, but I guess there was this one time when I cried in the school bathroom and someone asked to use the stall I was in because the other ones were full, so I had to go and find somewhere else to cry in secrecy. But there was also the time where I cried because I didn’t get enough Christmas presents. Or when I killed my super most favorite and rare and expensive houseplant. Or when i accidentally broke someone’s ceramics project. Or when I threw a basketball at someone and sprained their finger. Or when...
Day 8: living space
MRL: My apartment's small, but it’s home. My landlord’s good enough, and my neighbors are quiet. It may not be perfect but that’s no reason to just move out. (In Maro’s world, you can afford a single person apartment with a slightly-above-minimum wage job)
Day 9: important object
MRL: Like I’ve said, I’m bad at choosing a number one object so I’ll just list a bunch of stuff. My phone’s important, and my laptop, my Starlite Spark “Shine Brite” Album CD that’s actually autographed by the band, my Allison Sunderland figurine key chain (the only anime merch I will ever allow myself to have), aaaaaanndddd my apartment, I guess. And living essentials. I also guess.
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Day 10: unusual outfit
MRL: High fashion is kind of weird. I get that it’s just a show to demonstrate your technical ability and skill or whatever, but it feels like a waste of space sometimes. How did I even get into this outfit anyways?
Day 11+26: time period+royal/poor AU
I guess it would play out like Cinderella, where Maro’s, like, a servant or something, but transforms into a prince in his dream world. His dream world would be a lot more fantasy like, or whatever time period Cinderella takes place in.
Day 12: fighting style
MRL can’t fight in real life, because then he’d get fired and arrested for beating the crap out of some customer, but MRM is free to do whatever he wants, which includes going absolutely ham on various dream NPCs with various methods and tools. He floats around really elegantly, but his attacks are really devastating. If he was in a fighting game, he’d be a slow heavy hitter, even if he looks far from the type.
Day 13: love life
MRL: It’s about what you’d expect from someone with no friends. Non. Ex. Istant. It’s really pathetic, don’t you think...?
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Day 14: seduction
MRL: *likes your post* *likes your selfie* *never interacts with you in a meaningful manner* As you can see, Maro’s very shy. Too shy, in fact, to even approach someone in real life. It’s hard to seduce someone if you can’t even interact with them physically.
Day 15+19: color palette+reversed personality
If they reversed personalities, I guess that MRL would have a bold and inconsiderate front, while being more reserved deep down. It would be a pretty interesting AU, and the colors look good, too.
Day 16: doing what they do best
Sleeping! Sleeping, sleeping, sleeping. Maro’s special ability is to fall asleep whenever and wherever he wants. He can also wake up when he’s tired of dreaming, but time passes differently in the dream world, so either no time or a lot of time passes by when he wakes up.
Day 17; conflict
MRL meets a lot of unsatisfied customers at work, but the only thing to do is to quell the storm and to go along with whatever they wish. He’s not an entire pushover, but he’s not going to talk back either. MRM, however, is free of consequence to do whatever he wishes in the Dream world so he’s the type to create conflict or to react with more violence.
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Day 18: alt. hairstyles
A ponytail makes MRM look very cheerleader-y doesn’t it? MRL doesn’t have enough hair to make a ponytail effective or nice looking, but he can still make one, even if he never does in the first place.
Day 19: mentor(s)
MRL: Mentors? Do teachers count? Even if I didn’t learn anything in school? I guess my parents were mentors too, but that’s just a given. There’s the guy who trained me for my job, but I haven’t seen him ever since.
Day 21: hobbies
MRL: I guess blogging is kind of my hobby. Even though I’m just talking into the void, it’s kind of comforting to imagine somebody relating with my posts. I used to like plants, but I gave up after I killed my most favorite one. Now I just... go on the internet and occasionally post things onto my blog.
Day 22: injured
It’s all in his dreams, so it’s okay if MRM dies or gets hurts.
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Day 23: major flaw
Maro’s apathy to the world around him would probably be his biggest flaws. His general “who-cares” attitude makes him rather self centered. It’s hard for him to find use in living to the fullest, or self care, or caring for others, which is why he’s so mediocre.
Day 24: alt. outfits
Work uniform (Polo shirt, nametag, hard pants, shoes) Shopping (Hoodie, t-shirt, sweatpants, shoes) At Home (Blanket, t-shirt, underwear)
Day 25: drunk
Maro rarely gets wasted, because it’s kind of hard to get back home when you have nobody to call, but when he gets drunk he can’t dream properly so MRL gets all fuzzy and weird.
Day 27: bath
Maro takes showers most of the time, but on occassion, takes a nice bubbly bath if he feels like it.
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Day 28: losing something loved
I nearly lost a key chain because the ball chain unclasped, but I found it right away. But if Maro lost his Allison Sunderland keychain forever, he’d probably cry and then accept it with apathetic resignation.
Day 29: 10 years later
:)
Day 30: alt. future
Maro is actually a redesign of a previous redesign of previous redesign disguised as a separate OC with another redesign of an OC i made when I was like 12. Complicated, right? The Original design has been lost to time, but I drew some of the other people Maro used to be.
Day 31: life changing moment
Maybe one day, I’ll finish Maro’s story and you guys will be able to see for yourselves :)
until then....
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salfordiansiren · 4 years
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Interview Questions for Ren Harvieu, God is in the TV ‘In Conversation with…’article
We do like to ask some ‘off-the-wall’ questions, also some slightly tongue-in-cheek and left-field ones not connected to the music business at all. There are also a few multiple questions and I’ve mixed them up a bit so that the subjects keep changing. Many of them are open-ended, giving you the opportunity to be as verbose as you wish.  Please ignore any question you do not wish to answer.
Hi Lauren, my name is David Bentley, I write for a UK-based e-zine God is in the TV (GIITTV).
The objective of this interview, which will be published in GIITTV within a week of receiving your responses, is to introduce you to a new audience in the UK and abroad and to promote your forth on ming album.
The interview will also feature some embedded videos and/or audio unless you ask us not to do that.
There will be an ‘introduction’ to the interview but that will be written after its completion.
Thanks for agreeing to take part.
So, here we go…
 
Hi Lauren, thanks for joining us today. How are you?
I’m in a great mood today thanks. I had foot surgery last week and so I cant leave the house or really move for 6 weeks but I feel strangely calm about the whole thing, I dont mind bein
 
For the benefit of readers who may not be familiar with you, how would you describe yourself as an artist, in a paragraph?
 
 
You have released two singles, ‘Teenage Mascara’ and just now ‘Yes, Please’ from your second album, ‘Revel in the Drama’ which is scheduled for next April and the first one was well received by broadcasting ‘tastemakers’. How does the album differ from the first one, ‘Through the Night?’
 
The difference between Revel In The Drama and Through The Night is that this is a much more personal album. I spent the last couple of years honing my songwriting craft and these lyrics have come straight from my gothic salfordian brain. Its darker, more intense, stranger but still has the beauty of Through The Night. I think both albums sit nicely together.
 
 
Since 2015 you’ve been co-writing with Romeo Stodart of the Magic Numbers and he appeared on stage with you at your recent concerts. Will that relationship continue? Do you prefer to control the songwriting process yourself, or are you content to work with other music or lyric writer(s) into the future? If the latter, who has the final say?
I’ll keep writing with romeo till I die if he wants to. He’s the best of the best, and he understands me. I never really felt understood as an artist till I met him. I feel so comfortable in his presence that I let it allllll out, not just the versions of me t
 
You signed with Universal, a huge corporation, as a 17-year old. Is that too young, or are there any benefits in being ‘bloodied’ in the industry at such a tender age?
I think I was too young, although Universal were great that wasn’t the problem. But there was a lot going on behind the scenes that I was dealing with. I wasn’t a show biz kid from a showbiz family and I had real problems that seemed bigger than singing about about being dumped by some boy. I felt too young and overwhelmed but also too streetwise and smart for it all. It was a confusing time.
They say that everything happens for a reason. In 2011 you suffered a life-changing event, just as your debut album was about to be released, and one which set you back several years. Eight years on do you think the dreadful accident in which you broke your back has had any positive repercussions?
I think there had been positive repercussions,I dont think I would have started writing if it wasn’t for the accident. I dont
 
What attracted you to signing with Bella Union for your new album?
Well
 
Do you have any role models in the music business? A hero or heroine? Anyone you would enjoy being “mentioned in the same breath” with? (Dusty Springfield comes to mind, also perhaps Shirley Bassey).
 
I really admire Fiona apple because she does whatever the hell she wants. And her records are stunning, unique and completely un compromising.
You are compared occasionally with Elkie Brooks (I’ve done it myself!), a different kind of singer perhaps but a highly respected one who hails from the same city, and even the same suburb as you. And she’s still performing, in her seventies. Is there anything you feel you can learn from her and, indeed, are you ever in contact with her?
I dont know Elkie personally but I love her shes a legend. Rising Cost Of Love is my jam!
 
 
You left Salford and relocated to London a while ago. Do you miss it? How did the move impact on your creativity?
I really miss the north, everything about it but I needed to leave because I was really sad and I knew if i didnt do something soon I was going to slip down the back alleyof my mind and maybe disappear forever. I have memories on every street, bus stops make me emotional. Corner shops where me and my friend would try and get booze in our school, theres just memories everywhere and I needed a clean break. To create some distance so I could write about it
When you’re writing, how do most of your songs start life? A piano part? A chord? A melody? Does inspiration simply come, or do you have to seek it?
I feel inspired everyday by everything. When writing a song I like to visualise it, like a film, frame by frame. Sometimes I move around, dance, put on voices. Romeo will play something off the cuff that’s so beautiful that I’ll just start shouting and laughing and hugging him. Its the closest I get to spirituality. Writing wise, I want the narrative to have as much depth as possible, I want to feel something and I feel it is my duty to give the emotion and the stories the respect they deserve. I take it very seriously.
 
Do you see yourself as a live artist, or a recording artist, or both?
I see myself as both. I get to appease the introvert in me by being in the studio and attend to the outrovert by playing live.
 
How would you personally measure ‘success’? By ‘breaking’ America? Or something more modest?
Success to me would mean I get to create and perform music for all time and make a living on it. Success to me would mean that people are touched and moved by my music. I would love to be a voice to someone that can comfort them, just as say Rufus Wainwirght was to me when I was a depressed 14 year old. I’m not doing this just to stroke my own fragile ego, I genuinely want to reach o
 
When I saw your show at the Deaf Institute in Manchester recently, in one song (I think it was ‘Cruel Disguise’), you reached and sustained a note that convinced me and those in my company that you could probably tackle opera singing. Do you have any ambitions to perform in that or any other genre?
I would love to learn opera. I think
 
Back in 2012, while you were recovering, you performed several James Bond film theme tunes with the BBC Philharmonic Orchestra, including ‘You only live twice’ and ‘Nobody does it better’, both of which arguably could be applied to you. Do you picture yourself as a ‘Bond girl’ in the sense of recording the theme to a future movie, or do you even have any acting ambitions to actually play such a role? After all, the new album is constructed so that you can “revel in the drama of my life” as you say. (Incidentally, a female friend of mine – also from Salford – commented that you look like a 1950s Hollywood movie star).
Tell your friend I said thanks a lot! I would love to sing a Bond theme, I feel like it could happe
Acting wise I’m open to it, why not?
 
I saw one of your Christmas Special shows at the Soup Kitchen in Manchester in 2015. During the show you told a story about how a school choirmaster prevented you joining a musical assembly on four occasions for no better reason than that there was something about you that he didn’t like. Your rejoinder to that was “Well, fuck him” and of course you soon went on to release demos on MySpace which were picked up by a local manager and sent on to Amy Winehouse’s producer. The rest is history. A new song, ‘Little Raven’ was written cathartically as one to your younger self when you had no label and didn’t know if it would ever be recorded. What advice would you give to young people who find doors being slammed in their face as that schoolmaster did to you?
If anyone is picking you, school teachers, other kids, parents, anyone i would say to
If schoolmasters are singling you out and picking on you, its probably because your different and they cant stand
 
 
What touring plans do you have to support the release of the new album?
We are organising a tour right now around the UK, quite a big one its really exciting. I also cant wait to tour outside of England, I’ve never done that.
 
If you weren’t a musician what would you be? Do you ever aspire to being ‘something else’ entirely (model, politician, footballer, train driver…?!)
I think I’d try and be a fiction writer. I love books and stories and characters. I heard Donna Tartt say something life ‘as much fun as it is to read a book, writing one is one level deeper’ There’s something about losing myself into another world entirely that really appeals to me.
 
The environment. Whose viewpoint are you closest to? Donald Trump or Greta Thunberg?
 Greta or course.
United or City?
United
 
Coronation Street or EastEnders?
Corrie
 
Thanks again and good luck with the album and your future career.
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antihero-writings · 5 years
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The Things We Say Aloud—Pandora Hearts Fic for Phmonth18 Rainsworth Trio Week—Prompt 2: Family (Full Fic)
Fic Title: The Things We Say Aloud
Fic Synopsis: The Rainsworth Trio has a tradition of midnight snowball fights. But what if this is Break’s last?
Notes: This is another fic I wrote last Christmas (for the prompt “Rain”), but I think will work well for Phmonth18. I think it works best for the Rainsworth Trio Prompt 2: Family. You don’t have to have read the previous Christmas fic to understand it, but they are supposed to take place in the same year, and there are a few connections/references between them. (The other one is called “In Plain Sight” and you can read it on this blog, and/or at I_prefer_the_term_antihero ‘s Ao3!)
Out of all the PH fics I’ve written so far, this is honestly probably my favorite. I would deeply appreciate it if you commented to let me know you enjoyed it!
I feel like the Rainsworth Trio–especially Sharon and Break–don’t really talk about Break’s death, even though they know it’s coming. I thought it would be interesting to explore how such a conversation would go, and almost made myself cry writing it!
Also, point of interest, a song that I think works really well for the section of this fic where Break is pondering if it will be his last Christmas is “Into the Open Air” from the Brave soundtrack.
P.S. This is a repost of an old fic!
Fic:
Rain pounded its tune on the roof. It was the kind of rain that swarms the air, making it misty, grey, and cold with the buzzing of a thousand tiny drops.
It wasn’t that he disliked the rain. There will always be something about the rain that’s soothing to people dealing with sorrow. But rain like this; that pounds, and pounds, and doesn’t dissipate, sometimes serves to extend the mistiness inside too. Though it could be a rest, a relief, people like him always pray for the sun to come back. For sunny days and summer light were something people like him, with red eyes, and a past full of sin, knew they didn’t deserve, but couldn’t help seeking all the same.
Xerxes Break walked through the hallway of the Rainsworth manor. He wore his turquoise and gold outfit, half of his white hair falling across his shoulder, the other, shorter side, messily added to the covering the bandages provided—bandages over the place where his left eye should have been, though it rarely bled anymore.
As he passed by one of the rooms, he saw Sharon. She looked so small, but so regal, sitting on the windowsill, with her back to the glass, now frosted with condensation. Her chestnut hair was pulled back with a ribbon, and she was wearing her little pink dress. The little girl was pouting, staring at the ground, her arms folded over her chest in the characteristic expression children wear when they don’t get their way.
He paused, resting his hand on the doorframe.
She lifted her head.
When she met his eyes, he remembered very quickly that was not in his skill set to comfort little girls.
When he glanced back, she was giving him a look that said Well? Aren’t you going to come comfort me?
He knew better than to disobey such a look. He took a deep breath and walked in, hopping up on the windowsill next to her.
Like the rain, it wasn’t that he disliked kids, he just didn’t know how to deal with them. When they cried and threw tantrums…in short, he didn’t know how to deal with emotion (well, strong ones anyways). He couldn’t help hoping that kids like her could stay happy, and innocent forever. Like he had hoped for his young mistress from another time, and seen it go so very wrong, then later heard, through his own interference, that he had made it go far worse. But children would have to get hurt, they would have to grow up, some day. And in turn, they would become the kinds of creatures who hurt, and caused pain, who even killed, and made excuses for it…creatures like himself.
Luckily, he found that Sharon was a much happier, much kinder, much stronger child than most.
When she didn’t speak—(he didn’t dare ask, for fear of making it worse)—he turned to look outside the window.
“Xerx-niisan,” she began at last, “Why is the sky crying?”
He turned back to her, raising an eyebrow. “Huh?”
They weren’t siblings; they weren’t even remotely related. But for some reason, the name fixed itself in her mouth, and nothing he did or said could change that.
She could be a little tyrant sometimes.
At his misunderstanding, she continued to pout, averting her eyes. Then she jerked back to look at him, (he flinched a little), and said in a high pitched voice, “It’s almost Christmas! Why is it raining? It should be snowing!”
“Oh,” he relaxed a little, contemplating his response, “Well…it’s not going to stop raining just because you want it to. Sometimes,” he gave a sardonic smile that was more painful than the frown that seemed fixed on his face, looking away into the rain, as if he would find answers reading the drops, “things…people…that should be happy, just can’t be. And no matter how much you want something…”
He trailed off, and when he turned back, he saw tears welling in her eyes.
Nice going, Xerxes, you barely have to open your mouth to make a little girl cry.
There they were, brimming to the surface: all those emotions he didn’t know what to do with. He could only sit there, waiting for her own brand of rain to start, wanting more than anything to escape, to not have to figure out the right words to fix her.
It was the crying he hated the most. Maybe it was because it reminded him too much of a certain day, long ago, of a certain girl…but the snow did fall that day…
Still, he wasn’t going to tell her that if she just wished hard enough, if she believed in hope, the-general-goodness-of-the-world-and-its-inhabitants, and maybe a little bit of magic, that the snow would fall, that she could change things. Wishes were dangerous things, and he didn’t suggest anyone make them. You never know who, or what, might be listening.
Fortunately, before the tears reached her cheeks, Sharon’s mother, Shelly Rainsworth, appeared at the doorway. She looked almost exactly like an older version of her daughter, the same chestnut hair, the same smile that shined with a light of its own.
Upon seeing the tearful look on her daughter’s face, she marched into the room, put her hands on her hips, and turned to Break.
“Xerxes,” she said his name like he really was Sharon’s brother, “what did you say to her?”
“Why do you assume it was my fault, Shelly-sama?” he muttered, sounding like the child she was calling out.
“Let’s just say you have a habit of stepping on people’s feelings.”
He sighed. “I was only telling her that it won’t start snowing simply because she wants it to.”
“It’s almost Christmas, mother!” Sharon said like she was pleading her case, the tears reappearing in her eyes.
Shelly smiled, shaking her head.
“What am I going to do with you two?” she crouched down in front of Sharon, and paused, contemplating her own question for a moment. “Tell you what, sweetie; I can’t promise it’ll start snowing because you want it to, but I can promise this:” she pushed her daughter’s tears away, “The moment it starts snowing—or, I suppose,” she interrupted herself, “the moment there’s enough snow on the ground, but no later!—we’ll go outside, and have a snowball fight. How does that sound?”
“Really?” Sharon raised her head, the sadness lifting a little.
“Even if I’m busy, or it starts snowing in the middle of the night,” Shelly elaborated, grinning, “No, especially, if it’s in the middle of the night,” she placed a finger on Sharon’s nose, at which the little girl giggled, “I’ll wake you up—or you me—then, while everyone else is asleep, we’ll run around the house in just our pajamas and coats, we’ll wake Xerxes—”
“What?!” Break blurted out.
“Yes, we’ll wake Xerxes,” she repeated smirking, “drag him outside—”
“Do I get a say in this?!”
“Nope,” she grinned mischievously, “Don’t think I’m letting you get out of this one.”
“Tch.” He looked away.
She walked calmly to the couch, picked up one of the pillows, as if she was going to fluff it, brought it over to them, and smacked him with it.
He growled, his red eye starting to blaze, like some caged beast.
She threw the pillow back onto the couch, sighing, saying seriously, “I don’t want you sitting here on this windowsill forever…I know, somewhere inside you, there’s someone…” she pondered it, then smiled, saying simply, “Someone who’s not afraid. You’re stronger than you think. Deep down, I think, these sorts of things that seem childish, like snowball fights, and tea-parties,” she smirked, “fun things, you actually enjoy.”
He looked away, as if knowing he could only disappoint her.
She added softly, placing a finger on his chin, making him look at her,
“We’ll see that smile someday, Xerxes Break.”
He stared at her as she took her fingers away, then he blinked, averting his eyes again. murmuring something about, “Really, Shelly-sama…I’d just ruin—”
“Sharon,” Shelly interrupted his mutterings, turning to her daughter, “Do you think Xerxes should sit here sulking, day in and day out, or do you think he should join our snowball fight?”
“Xerx-niisan should come with us!” she didn’t even take a breath before she answered.
He stared into the little girl’s eyes, so full of hope, no question, no hesitation, just…kindness, endless kindness.
Shelly smiled at her daughter, which turned into devious smirk when she looked at him.
“Checkmate.”
He bit his lip before jumping back down to the ground, muttering incoherently his displeasure, knowing once they were set, he couldn’t change their minds.
They could be tyrants sometimes.
Most people wouldn’t have gone near him, much less want him to be a part of something…well, fun. He knew what people said about him. It didn’t matter, it had been a long time since he had cared what other people thought, plus, he more than welcomed the lack of company. But, the thing is, he knew they were right; he was creepy, and dark, and very, very dangerous. So, he too, often wondered why they had taken him in, why they treated him like something worth saving, worth dragging out of bed for snowball fights, and tea-parties, rather than being sure, like rest of the world was—like he was—that he would just darken everything with any amount of light in it.
That’s what Children of Misfortune were for, right?
A little girl, who should have been more scared of him than anyone, who should’ve wanted him as far away from her and her snowball fights than anyone, could not only go near him, but fail to hesitate as she bounded up to this dark-and-dangerous man, looked into that blood-red eye, and asked him why the sky was crying, gave him flowers, and called him “brother.”
And that was worth more to him than he would ever dare admit aloud.
*****
It was from nightmares about knights, and blood, little girls, dolls, and names that he never mentioned, that Xerxes Break awoke from.
Breath and heartbeat weighed heavily on his chest. Once the memories faded enough for him to remember that, though it may have been real, it was not now, he gritted his teeth together, slamming his fist into the wall behind him. He didn’t care how much pain was pulsating through his hand.
If only it would take his mind off the throbbing in his empty eye socket.
If he had been a weaker man, perhaps he would have screamed, even cried, perhaps he would have whispered something pitifully to the sheets about not wanting to remember again, not wanting nightmares like this one to show their faces in his head. But he had already made a wish, and these nightmares were its descendants. He didn’t have the authority to dream anymore.
All he had was the anger and regret surging through his body, and nowhere for it to go, except make his past a weapon that shattered him just as much as it did his enemies, into glass shards, and cold bones, and bloodstained roles.
Still, there was some part of him that hoped after so many years they would have stopped haunting him. And sure, maybe it wasn’t every night, but they did come. Perhaps that’s why they call them ghosts; There were too many horrors to be reminded of, too many sins to feel guilty for, too little he could do to fix it, and the nightmares were all too eager for the task. One lifetime was not enough for them to let him forget.
They say ‘there’s no rest for the wicked’, and his mind was often cruel enough to remind him.
When he raised his gaze, he saw that the curtain was open just slightly, and something in the sliver of window flickered.
The Mad Hatter sighed, throwing his legs over the side of the bed.
It was awfully cold.
He stepped up to the window, gently pulling back the curtain, just enough so he could see.
He drew in a breath softly, his eye widening at the view:
It was snowing.
There was enough moonlight to see flakes falling upon the grounds—which were cloaked in white by now.
Like that time years ago, for the whole month, the only thing that fell from the clouds was rain, and finally, the sky decided that Christmas Eve was no time to be laying in bed, sleeping, or else dreaming about past follies.
“Well, Shelly-sama, what do you think?” he spoke softly to the merciful sky, “One last snowball fight?” he paused a moment, turning, leaning against the window, as if waiting for an answer to be whispered in his ear.
He stepped over to his wardrobe, throwing a coat over his pajamas, taking up some winter gloves, putting on socks and boots, and, as always, placing Emily on his shoulder (she wouldn’t want to miss this).
Lighting the candelabra on his nightstand, he ventured into the hallway, making his way toward Sharon’s bedroom.
Opening the door as quietly as he could, he walked in, setting the light on her nightstand.
Sharon was sleeping soundly on her curtained bed, her hair splayed all over the sheets, wrinkled in the night’s sleep, and she hugged her pillow.
He resisted the urge to laugh at her un-proper appearance.
Break sat on the side of her bed, by her head, saying quietly,
“Ojousama.”
She stirred in her sleep, muttering something indecipherable.
He gently ran his hand through her hair, saying louder, “Sharon.”
She blinked open fuchsia eyes to see her servant.
“Break,” she muttered his name softly.
Slowly, she sat up, yawning, looking around.
“Break, what’re you…?” she began, fatigue weighing down her words, then shook it away by shaking her head, “What are you doing in my room?! In the middle of the night! How dare you wake me up!”
He knew what was coming next: she grabbed one of the pillows, and he dodged it before she hit him with it. “Do you think you can just come in here as you please?!”
“Really, Ojousama,” he laughed, standing back up, “You think I’d risk injury without good reason?”
She folded her arms over her chest, pouting. He walked over to the window, throwing open the curtain, standing beside it.
“This better not be one of your pranks, Break,” she muttered, walking over to the window.
“Relax. When have I ever been that cruel?”
She glared at him, as if to say I-could-name-a-few-times, then turned to the window, surveying the landscape outside.
Her aggravated expression broke for widened eyes and a smile.
“Break!” she exclaimed, all grievance forgotten, grabbing his hands and spinning him around, “It’s snowing!!” she let go of him, and jumped up on the bed, repeating, “It’s snowing!! It’s snowing!!”
He smirked, folding his arms over his chest; No matter how old she really was, she still looked like that little kid to him.
“What do you say?” he helped her down from the bed, “One last snowball fight?”
“What are you talking about ‘one last’?” she grabbed the pillow and managed to catch him off guard this time. “You better not be talking about that again!”
She didn’t wait for him to respond as she dropped the pillow and ran over to her wardrobe, found a little coat to throw over her nightshirt, boots, and gloves, then handed him a ribbon to tie her hair back.
“Ready?” he tapped her on the shoulder when he had finished tying her hair.
She nodded, beaming.
They weren’t too far from Reim’s room when Break asked her to hold the candelabra, and stepped down the stairs to the front door.
“Where are you going?” she asked, “Reim’s room is this way.”
“This will only take a moment,” he grinned.
She put her hand on her hip, scowling at him as he ran out the front door. Quickly he returned, with the first snowball in his gloved hand.
“Break! Just what are you intending to do with that?!”
“You’ll see!” said Emily.
Sharon sighed, placing her head in her hand.
Reim stayed at the Rainsworth’s often enough that he had his own room (albeit, not a very fancy one). They quietly entered it to see the servant laying on a bed, much neater than either of theirs, facing away from them. His glasses, and some extra paperwork he just couldn’t leave at work, lay dormant on his nightstand.
Break tiptoed up to his friend, gently pulled back the collar of his shirt, and stuffed a snowball down the back of his shirt.
It was a moment before it took effect, but when it did, Reim skyrocketed out of bed, dancing around, until the snow fell onto the floor.
Break could barely contain his laughter.
He rested his hands on his knees panting. When he regained his bearings enough to figure out what had just happened, and saw Break laughing, he shouted,
“XERXES, YOU BASTARD!!”
Reim lunged at Break, at which the older man only needed to step out of the way, to make Reim trip onto the floor.
“Yes, a tired Reim-san, without his glasses, is definitely a match for me,” he remarked, leaning over him,
“A normal Reim-san isn’t exactly a match either!” Emily squeaked.
“Now, now Emily,” Break chided his doll playfully, “we mustn’t rub this sort of thing in people’s faces.”
“I’m gonna kill you,” Reim’s voice was muffled by the floor
Break laughed, “Is that so?”
“All in good fun!” Emily chirped.
“It’s not fun for me!” he retorted, sitting up, “How can your idea of fun be tormenting your best friend!” Reim got up off the floor and sat on his bed.
“Come now, Reim-san, ‘torment’ is a little harsh, don’t you think?”
“I meant what I said! I mean, who in their right mind thinks a good way to wake their friend up is to stuff freezing-cold snow—”
He interrupted himself, looking at each of them with question in his eyes. He repeated the word, “Snow…?”
Sharon and Break grinned at each other.
Break helped his friend up, saying, “And whoever said I was in my right mind? Didn’t you know? All the best people are mad.”
Reim rolled his eyes.
Sharon and Break stepped up to the window to unveil the answer to his question. Reim followed to inspect the view outside.
Then he looked at each of them, shaking his head and smiling. “Really, you two, after all these years…”
He trailed off, going over to his wardrobe to put on the winter clothes he kept there.
They barely had time to blow out the candles before Sharon grabbed both their hands and dragged them out into the moonlit hall.
They were like little kids trying to get a peek at Santa; bumbling down the hall, almost falling over each other, shushing each other, as they made their way through the manor, down the stairs, out the front door, into the cold grounds.
Even with their winter clothing, the cold still crept in. The snow muffled ordinary sounds, falling seamlessly, sparks of scattered moonlight gleaming off the flakes.
“So, we’ll—” Reim was interrupted by Break throwing a snowball at the back of his head.
“Oy! I was talking!” he whirled around.
“What’s there to talk about, Reim-san?” Break tossed another snowball up and down in his hand.
“I was simply—”
This time it was Sharon who threw the snowball at his face.
“Nice shot, Ojousama,” Break mentioned.
“Thank you,” she grinned, “You’re next, Xerx-niisan.”
“Alright, you two are going down,” Reim challenged.
“That’s more like,” Break smirked.
It didn’t make sense that three adults could have so much fun doing something so childish as playing in the snow. But between exploding snow and shouting, their laughter was what radiated like light from the scene. Maybe they forgot they weren’t children, they forgot that they had grown up things to do, responsibilities to attend to, and that the world was really comprised of blood and pain, and worthless names, not innocence and friendship.
The mad tea party, forever trapped in a moment, forgotten by time.
It was a while later when another voice broke through:
“Hey, what are you guys doing?”
They paused, turning to see Oz at one of the balconies.
“Our humblest apologies, Oz-sama!” Reim shouted back, bowing low, “We didn’t intend to be so loud!”
“No worries!” he yawned, “Are you…having a snowball fight?”
“That’s right, Oz-kun,” Break answered, “Would you like to join us?”
“Really?! You’ll let me?!”
“Sure,” he tossed a snowball up and down in his hand again, “but we certainly won’t be going easy on you!”
Oz beamed. “Hang on a sec! Lemme grab Gil and Alice!”
Not long afterwards, they heard the all-too-familiar sounds of Gilbert and Alice shouting, and they their annoyed faces appeared on the balcony.
“Why are you three having a snowball fight at 6:00 in the morning!” Gilbert yelled down to them.
“Oh? You scared you didn’t make the cut?” Break taunted . “Clown! Is this your doing?!” Alice demanded, “I’ll come down there and make you pay for waking me up!”
As Break spoke to them, Reim saw it as an opportunity to get his own revenge, and snuck up behind him. Break, of course, still heard him coming and, once again, tripped him, as he got close.
Break walked around him in a circle, grinning shaking his head, “You’re going to have to try harder than that to beat me.”
Reim gave an expression akin to Gilbert’s evil eye.
Break kicked some snow onto his head as he walked by, just to rub it his face (quite literally).
Oz, Gilbert, and Alice tumbled down the front steps, already laughing and yelling at each other before they even joined the fight.
“Well look who it is,” Break taunted, leaning over them, then Emily continued,
“The dumb bunny, the spoiled brat, and—” he didn’t get to finish, because the two lunged at him.
There weren’t really any teams, or way of keeping score—it was everyone against everyone else, though each of them had their own approach: Gilbert had a more meticulous method; creating a stash of snowballs, and walls to hide behind, (often getting hit in the building process). Oz was would sneak up on people, and took particular pleasure in knocking down, or stealing, Gil’s hard work, while Alice ran around pelting everyone in sight, holding a particular grudge against anyone who landed a hit on her (who were mostly Break and Oz).
Near the end of their fight, as Break snuck up on Sharon, just about to land a hit on her, he found himself falling, and was then somehow on the other side of the yard,
He paused to regain his bearings, and stood back up to his full height, quickly discerning what had happened.
“Is that really fair, Ojousama?” he called across the yard, knowing she had used her Chain.
She chuckled like it was a trivial offense, “Since when have you cared what’s fair Xerx-niisan?”
Well, she got me there.
It was at this moment he felt a rush of cold! against his neck, and tensed, resisting the urge to spill some choice words. He spun around to see that Reim had been waiting behind a nearby tree and, as he addressed his mistress, Reim had managed to get the perfect revenge.
Break pulled back his shirt to make sure the snow fell, scowling at his friend.
“Say it,” Reim folded his arms over his chest.
“What? That you got me?”
Reim’s expression was unmoving.
“I’ll say nothing of the sort, Reim-san,” he flicked his glasses, “After all, you merely copied me. You should be more creative next time.”
Reim’s fingers curled into fists, practically growling at him.
“I didn’t know we could use Chains!” Oz called, running up to them, having noticed Sharon’s expert use of Eques, (but not the following exchange between Break and Reim.)
“Seaweed-head! Release my limiter!” Alice shouted when she heard, “I want to smash the clowny bastard to smithereens!”
“Is that so?” Break called, “You really want to go down that path, Alice-kun?” Break smirked evilly, “My Mad Hatter would destroy you before Gilbert-kun even had the chance.”
“You wanna go, clown!” Alice hollered, and Gilbert had to hold her back to keep her from rushing at him with teeth and claws.
Reim looked worried, and Oz—wearing a similar expression—spoke in hushed tones, “No, Alice! You don’t want to go up against his Mad Hatter!”
“Try me, Manservant!”
“Break! No one wants to see you killing yourself over some stupid fight with some little girl!” Gilbert scolded.
“Oy! Who you callin’ ‘some little girl’?!” Alice snapped at Gilbert.
That seemed to return Reim to his senses,
“That’s right!” Reim scolded, “What did I tell you about being reckless with your powers?!”
“Always so tense, you two,” he walked up to Alice and ruffled her hair, “I’m only teasing.”
Alice broke free, and the fight resumed, though the others were glad to see neither managed to draw blood, and that it quickly returned to the antics of the snowy game.
And for one brief moment, Break forgot about everything else. About the nightmares, the regrets, and the answers he clung to so desperately as a reason to keep himself from falling further. And for one moment, he could see those flickering lights behind dark eyes, and he was happy he could feel the cold biting his skin, he was happy he could see their faces—rosy-cheeked, all smiles and laughs, even if they were yelling at him—for one precious flicker of a moment, he was happy to be alive.
That moment would end. The shadows would crawl back from the corners of his mind, the smiles would become fake again, the world would become a wax museum of happiness. Reasons that were just that, empty reasons; desire had left them behind in an alleyway long ago, for better, darker wishes. The pain would come back, and once again he’d convince himself, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care about them. About what happens to me. The snow white chaos would return to tears too fast. But in this moment, it was okay. He was okay.
Sharon and Reim ran at him, but instead of getting out of the way, this time he let them bowl him over, the three of them collapsing in the snow.
Shock flitted across their faces, which broke for smiles.
He wanted to say he was sorry. He wanted to tell them over and over I love you both so very much. But he wasn’t the only one who knew that those words falling from Xerxes Break’s lips was all too close to admitting defeat. Because if he admitted he cared, then he wouldn’t be able to let them go when the end came. And he knew it would come all too soon. His lips wouldn’t dare betray him with such miserable words.
So they settled for a smile.
His real smile. Not the smirks and grins he gave away at a moment’s notice. The smile that was barely perceptible, but which, for them, captured within its folds more sunlight than anything else in their world.
Sharon and Reim glanced at each other, then smiled back at him, deciding not to sully the moment with words.
And, as soon as it came, the true smile was replaced with a smirk.
“You two really are gullible,” he put snow in their hair.
They jumped up, shouting his name, trying to rub it out, then quickly ran after him.
He couldn’t tell them the truth. He couldn’t tell them that he was thinking how this might be his last Christmas. He couldn’t tell them how he was wondering if they would still put his stocking on the mantelpiece when he was gone.
He didn’t get a chance to anyways, because it wasn’t long afterwards when beads of citrus and crimson light began tracing the navy sky.
They paused, panting, raising their eyes to look into the sunrise.
For a moment they stared silently at the art the morning made of daybreak, gentle smiles tracing their lips at the beauty.
Then Oz broke in, exclaiming,
“Merry Christmas, everyone!”
“Merry Christmas!” they answered, a little tiredly.
“What do you guys think?” Reim asked, “Ready to go inside?”
“Aww, but we were having so much fun!” Oz protested, trying to mask the fatigue in his voice.
“Easy for you to say, we’re exhausted!”
“To be fair, we were out here much longer than them,” Break panted, realizing just how tired he was. “Perhaps I have gotten old after all. If you youngin’s want to go on—” he flapped a shirt sleeve their direction.
“There he goes again calling himself old!”
Sharon broke in, “Don’t you want to open presents?”
“Presents?!” Oz repeated, like a dog who had seen a squirrel, glancing at Gilbert and Alice, his grin widening.
They began to make their way inside, still laughing and talking about the plays they each had made, and how they would eventually get each other back. As they walked back, instead of joining the conversation, Sharon gently tugged on the corner of Break’s coat, holding him back.
He turned to see that instead of the tired, but joy-full smile that had traced her face moments earlier, she was hanging her head low.
“Ojousama?” he asked worriedly, crouching down beside her, seeing tears begin to grace her cheeks.
The others noticed, and stopped too.
“Xerxes! What did you do?!” Reim demanded.
“Yeah, Break! How dare you make a girl cry on Christmas?!” Oz questioned, running up to her.
He rolled his eyes at them.
“I’m fine, everyone,” Sharon reassured them, giving a somewhat plastered smile, “I’ll just be a moment.”
They all glanced at each other, knowing something was clearly wrong.
“Are you sure?” Gilbert asked.
“Yeah, Sharon-chan, if you need something—”
“Yes. Please, go inside. Break and I will catch up with you.”
They glanced at each other.
“Alright, Sharon-chan. Just let us know if you need anything, okay?” Oz put a hand on her shoulder.
“Thank you, Oz-sama,” she smiled.
The others gave similar smiles back to her, then they gave Break a collective you-better-not-make-this-worse look before walking up the stairs into the manor.
“Sharon?” he asked softly.
No matter how many years went by, he still couldn’t handle the sight of a child in tears.
“Xerx-niisan,” he could tell she was fighting back against the tears, “What if… What if this is your last Christmas?”
He gasped; he didn’t expect her to be thinking about the same thing.
“What if…” she continued, breath taut, “What if we never get to have another snowball fight? What if…?”
“Well,” he rubbed his neck, looking away, “you and Reim can still—”
“Don’t act like everything will be the same when you’re gone!” she threw snow into his face.
He fell back onto his elbows, gently brushing it out of his hair. After a moment a laugh bubbled in his throat, and he put his hand on his face.
“What’s so funny?!” she demanded, scowling.
Obviously that was the wrong thing to do.
If only she had chosen someone else to comfort her; someone like Oz, who could read the situation, and chose his words carefully. Or Gilbert, who was sensitive enough to understand. Even Reim would be better, despite his rather unemotional, straightforward nature. But she had chosen him.
“It’s funny…to tell you the truth,” his voice became more serious, “It’s just…I was thinking about the same thing.”
Shock added to the concoction of hurt and yearning in her eyes.
“Y-You were?”
He looked at the ground and nodded ever so slightly.
“How dare you laugh at that?” she balled a fist in the snow, but the strength seemed to leave her.
She shook her head, tears fluttering back to her eyes, “You can’t…Xerx-niisan, you can’t! I…I don’t want to be alone!” she put her arms around him and fell onto him.
His eye was wide, his breath harsh and cold as he looked at the girl in his arms, forgetting for a less than a moment that she was not that little girl in a darkened room, surrounded by coffins.
He shook his head of the memory.
“You won’t be alone, you’ll have Reim, and Sheryl-sama, and—”
She lifted her head to scowl at him, as if to say must-I-repeat-what-I-said and he cleared his throat, changing his method of attack.
“Well, I won’t go down easy, that’s for sure. But, despite how it might seem,” he gently ran his finger along her cheek, giving that sad but true smile, and whispered, “I am not that strong.”
“You think you can talking about you dying all the time and I’ll just—?!” she tried to fight back, to be angry, but her words fell like the snow, and she murmured again, she let her head fall back onto his shoulder, and whispered back, “Xerx-niisan…”
He gently wrapped his own arms around her.
“I want to be there for you…” she murmured, “I don’t want you to do something stupid…You’re always running into fights without a second thought…” she sobbed for a moment before saying, “Maybe we could…maybe we could stop it? I-I could go into the fights with Eques…Oz-sama and Gilbert-sama—”
He pressed a kiss into her hair, and as she lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him with the wide and teary eyes of her younger self. The look in his eyes was enough to say I’m sorry, Sharon.
“It’s just like I told you, Ojousama,” he ran his fingers through her hair, and murmured into her ear, “No matter how much I may want it to, I can’t stop it from raining.”
She lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him.
“No matter how much we might want it to, we can make the snow fall. Our wishes can’t change things. Even if…” his words were blown by the wind into the stars.
She shook her head gently, murmuring that name.
“Just promise me you won’t make any illegal contracts to bring me back,” he laughed a little, which turned into a grimace, and she knew just how serious he was being.
She smiled for the first time since the conversation started. “I promise.”
For a moment they sat there, together, in a sort of limbo, watching as the sunrise turned into a light blue sky—a present sorrow caught between the earlier joy, wondering which emotion of the two would soon come. Moments were so finicky.
“I can’t promise I’ll have another Christmas, but we still have today. Let’s not waste it with talking about depressing things.”
She nodded, smiling.
He gently reached down and picked her up.
“Xerx-niisan!” she protested at first.
He touched her nose with his finger.
After a moment, as he took her inside, she rested her head against him sleepily, murmuring, “Xerx-niisan, I don’t want…I don’t want you to pretend you’re okay for my sake.”
His eye widened and he jerked his head to look at her.
“Don’t give me that look,” she responded, “I know you do it. You think I can’t handle it.”
He took a deep breath, “I’m fine, Ojousama,” he murmured, and smiled, “It’s Christmas, after all.”
She shook her head, “No you’re not!”
Once again he kissed her head gave her his real smile, “No, really, Sharon. I am. At least for today.”
The smile she returned was real too.
And that was worth far more to them than either of them needed to say aloud.
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tumblunni · 5 years
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What do you guys think about the names Dustin and Darcy for my protagonists in Let's Go?
Cos i really wanted to play the co op mode thing by myself, just so i can pretend this role in the plot is filled by two siblings and have a bit of fun roleplaying that. But i dunno yet how the co-op works and whether you'd be able to customize the avatar of the second player or if its just the default trainer? Or can you only play co-op if you have two separate games? Im planning to buy the other version anyway once i get more money, so it could be fun to play my first version with sibling one and then the second playthru is sibling two's turn to shine!
Oh and the whole reason i wanted to do this is cos i wanna try out the customization features to make some ocs now that there's no competitive online stuff unless you pay a subscription fee (LOL NO THANKS). Like..i always felt like i HAD to make my character me in xy/sumo/usum, otherwise its like lying online? But of course i cant actually make me because theres no nonbinary option or even remotely ambiguous outfits for either gender. And you cant have wild hair colours while i dye my hair 24/7 irl lol. Its silly cos like 95% of the gym leaders and other characters ingame have anime hair colours yet the player has to be normal? So yeah i cpuldnt really enjoy making this innacurate defanged version of myself yet i didnt feel like i was allowed to just make up a new character either. Closest i could do was give myself white hair like my old trainersona when i was 12, lol. I mean i guess thats my 'real hair colour' underneath the dye right now, if you think about it that way?
OH GOD PIKACHU CAN HAVE A LITTLE TUXEDO AND BOWLER HAT HOLY FUCK IM SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS BUT I WAS WATCHING THE IGN REVIEW AND THEY SHOWED PIKA BOWLER HAT PLEASE GO GOOGLE THAT VIDEO JUST FOR THAT 1 SECOND OF NEW FOOTAGE OF MY BEAUTIFUL CLASSY BOYE
okay where was i
Yeah! I think sibling trainers could be a good and unique way to handle a rival! Like having them be your sibling already establishes that rivalry. But it can be a soft and nice rivalry! I wanna go with that fun version rather than the full on angry exaggerated sibling rivalries you often see in kids media. Like i know that some people legit dont get on with their siblings and some people can even have a very gary esque full on rivalry thats sorta 'love to hate' or like..tsundere pretending you hate them. But personally i never had experience with that, i can never relate to those 'tfw u hate ur sibling and theyre always an asshole but lolll u love them anyway' posts. I only got to live with my little sister for a little while due to the catastrophe of abusive parenthood that was my childhood, and i lost contact with her forever when she was very young so i doubt she'd even remember me. *sigh* But like i don't think i only love her so much because i miss her! People say newborns and toddlers are the most bratty so like you'd think if i was gonna ever find her 'annoying' i would have done it back then. I was always just mega proud of her and whenever she'd be 'bratty' i'd be cheering her on and trying to protect her from mom. And when she'd try and pull pranks on me or practise play-fighting or whatever i was just like 'lol thats legit funny' and taking play-falls so she felt better about herself. Like we didnt have much power in that household so i felt like encouraging her pretending to be a wrestler would help her feel like she had some sort of control in some part of her life i guess? And just i wished i was allowed to roughhouse and run around and be all 'unladylike' and just enjoy BEING A KID when i was a kid, yknow? I always had legit fun being with her and legit enjoyed it and was legit proud and legit never annoyed. I just dont understand 'yeah she's annoying but i love her anyway'. I was only ever her rival as a play-rival to help encourage her to like.. Enjoy the things she enjoyed. Feel like someone else cared. I only ever acted like 'ha ha baby stuff yeah sure i hate hanging out with my sister" cos i thought i was SUPPOSED TO. I always felt so guilty doing it and so dissappointed cos id rather hang out with her than be a boring stereotypical teen tbh. I dunno, maybe this isnt typical for siblings and its just a sign of how badly we were raised? I was just real fuckin lonely and absolutely loved having a family member who loved me for the first time since my grandma died. Same reason i always used to act all 'i am too cool i totally am not soft for my lil sister' around my lil sister's dad. I really wanted him to love me too! I used to say swear words at him cos i thougjt he would thibk i was Cool And Adult?? I have soooo many cringe moments from that phase of my childhood. Man it hurts to think that i never actually did get to become that positive influence that protected my sister from my mum and let her know she was loved. Cos i was sent to live with my dad when she was like 5ish? And never saw her again and now im too scared to try and reach out to her again because 1: she probably doesnt even remember me, 2: theres a chance she believes my mum saying i was some horrible asshole who abandoned the family, 3: even bigger chance that contacting her could mean my mum finding me again and big fuckin risk of further abuse. Plus the awkwardness of introducing my trans self when she'd remember me as her sister and all. Sigh! All i can do is hope that her cool dad eventually got custody of her, and that he didnt turn out to be a secret bastard like when i met my own dad. He seemed good, but then again i was just a lil kid and my dad seemed good at first. Sighhhhhh...
SO UMM YEAH WOW I MADE MYSELF SAD
Anyway the point is that whenever i write siblings i'd rather write 100% unapologetic super loving love cos its wish fullfillment for me. This is also why in/cest shipping is a massive beserk button for me, good wholesome family relationships are REAL FUCKIN IMPORTANT and how DARE you corrupt that shit! Some people would fuckin KILL to have that wholesome family!!
Anyway lol thats why i'd like a Wholesome Rivalry for these sibling ocs! Like they challenge each other to contests along the way just for fun, and they react all 'wow my sis is the BEST' when you beat them, so hard feelings at all. And you dont JUST do rival stuff but also sometimes just hang out and have fun cos you missed each other. And if anyone threatens your sibling then THAT is the only time you see the Serious Sibling Power! Rival moments: ha ha lol bet ya cant beat me ooo im a scary villain LOL I CANT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE HAHA! Giovanni punches your brother: *stony cold death glare from hell as tricksy prank sis turns into an unstoppable vengeance engine* Oh, but also the only other time they'd be serious is in their final battle together! Like most of the 'rivalry' is just competing to make the adventure fun and to help each other get stronger. But if sis/bro ever actually legit said they really want to fight to find out who's the best, and its like..important to help their self confidence, then i think bro/sis would respect that and go all out. Taking a fall and letting them win would be the most disrespectful thing of all! Oh, but i do think there would be one kind of battle like that during the story? Like in one of the more low stakes faux-rival fights the sibling actually does try and let you win, and the challenge is to try and lose against all odds. High stakes super failure battle!!! Imagine the evil team in the background like 'wtf' as these two run the most aggressively slow race of all time! XD
Oh and i kinda thought about different personalities for the two of them based on who you pick? Like i did like that aspect about brendan/may in RSE compared to other 'unpicked option becomes rival' characters in later games that didnt even have one personality let alone two. It just sucks that the personalities they decided to give them were 'female rival is super self concious and thinks youre better than her because youre a boy' and 'male rival is super ego and thinks he's better than you because he's a boy'. Boooo!
So instead of that the personalities i was thinking for these two would be less sexist lol. Male sibling Dustin is basically Wally so far? I need to develop him a bit more to make him a bit distinct, i mean its not like every single shy dude is identical. I'm thinking maybe mix him with all the wasted potential in Brendan? Like in the game they slightly hint at him having the ONE non stereotypical trait of liking cute teddy bears, and that made me think about how much better his whole plot would have been if it actually criticized his sexism and said that he only behaves that way cos he's overcompensating for being bullied for being 'feminine', yknow? And then in the manga they actually DO write him as super feminine, and even as a contest star who loves fashion and dressing up his pokemon! But then GAHHH they present it as some sort of fuckin 'character flaw', like he's shown to be selfish and superficial because of it. And the backstory is that him and the female protagonist used to be 'normal' until a traumatic event. Brendan was a Natural Fighting Prodigy until he saved his female friend from a wild pokemon and was so traumatized that he never wanted to fight again, while she wanted to learn to fight so she'd never need to be protected again. But this is not only presented as Wrong Ways To Be Gender but also like.. Fighting their natural instinct which still comes through?? Like male protag hasnt fought in YEARS yet whenever he's forced to fight he's just magically better at it than female protag who's been practising all these years to become his equal. Ha ha silly girl you can never achieve that! All you get is this patronizing 'well if you just tryyyyy girly things im sure you'll like it' plot and then you get rescued by him in the end because OF COURSE you do. Sigh! I cant believe they made me hate that pairing even more than the games did! So yeah i dont really wanna write Dustin as a jerkass who's secretly got synpathetic motives of internalized homophobia/sexism, cos i feel thats a plot very specific to my perceptuons of Brendan and id basically just have to make Dustin a clone of him and he wouldnt be able to shine on his own merits. Instead i'm just thinking of writing him as a 100% sensitive soul, and he still faces predjudice for not being that bigoted idea of an 'ideal man' but really the fact he doesnt bow down to their demands proves that he's the bravest person here.
And then I'm thinking maybe the female sibling Darcy is the older one and is a bit "gary ish"? Like eitjer way you still have a friendly and loving siblingness, but she's a bit more of a sass who is tsundere about admitting she loves her bro. But i dont think she's the cold or grumpy sort of tsundere, more like a trickstery tomboy? Bombastic loki jock sis! She can only be a bit abrasive with her bro cos she wants to teach him to be tough even when she's not there to protect him. But sometimes she can mess it up and make him feel like he has to change his personality in order to be tough, rather than letting him know she supports him in being "unmasculine" and just wants to help him find the confidence to stand up to people who bully him for it. Like she feels like she is 'weaker' than him in the sense that she worries too much about what people will think if she expresses her real emotions, yknow? Like theyre both suffering from toxic masculinity! He's suffering from the standard form where men who are too 'soft' are beaten down into that mould. Ans she's suffering from the problem where 'masculine' girls feel like they have to be '100% masculine' in order to be allowed to be themselves at all. Like back when i was a kid and before i came out as trans i always used to try and pretend to like sports ans like..cliche macho shit where you Cant Admit You Care About Your Friends and also i wasnt allowed to like ANY feminine things at all. I had to either follow the stereotype of femininity entirely or follow the opposite stereotype, i wasnt allowed to just reject stereotypes and like what i actually like. So yeah me realizing i wasnt really a girl has led to me embracing more 'girly' things than back when i thought i was one! So i think Darcy would have a similar arc but like..the cis equivelant? Just finds people who arent such judgmental pricks and stops having to conform to either of those stereotypes in order to keep fake friends who dont really give a shit about her. She can have a plot about both forced feminine and masculine stereotypes being equally limiting, rather than that shitty 'being masculine is a prison uwu every woman will be happier embracing her love of makeup' shit. That dominant narrative just made me feel like i was somehow wrong about myself whenever i didnt like 100% Of Sports All The Time, i must be somehow girly if i liked even ONE girly thing yet i needed hundreds of proofs if i wanted to be masculine. And like i wasnt just allowed to be neither! I wasnt allowed to like parts of both! I wasnt allowed to BE GODDAMN TRANS!!! So yeah i dunno if i'd go whole hog and make this character a trans man or a nonbinary person tho? I think she's just actually a cis girl who happens to be sporty and brash and likes a lot of 'masculine' fashion and hobbies. And she's just been made to feel self concious about it, as if she cant possibly REALLY be that unless she likes Every Single Boy Thing and wins at Every Single Challenge. Does anyone else remember that shit too? The girls have to win Every sports game against the boys in order to be 'one of the boys' but if you lose even one of them it somehow proves that you're inferior. Even though the boys lost 50 billion games to you and that doesnt prove theyre inferior! Like man she has sooooo many 'gary rivals' in her school life, thats why she loves going on this adventure with a kind brother rival who actually respects her! So her resolution would just be her staying the same but being more confident about it and saying fuk u to those fake friends. Same as her brother's plot, just they both face different specifics to the way this sexism affects them, yknow?
Oh but yeah when i did finally learn about LGBT stuff and realize i was trans it was Big Amazing cos even in the rare stories about Its Okay To Be Yourself it still left me feeling weirdly empty when the girl decides that yes she does wanna be a girl in the end. So i get that these plots might come off as queerbaiting if i write them badly? I need to make sure to make it clear that these characters 100% want to be seen as this gender and its just other people being fuckfaces and trying to define what their gender has to mean. I think maybe i'll try and mitigate this potential misunderstanding by adding different sorts of lgbt content. And, well, also cos i just want lgbt content in all of my stories because i am lgbt, of course! I'm 100% sure that Darcy is gay, and i think also maybe possibly Dustin is trans? Like, his plot is about being mocked for being a 'feminine' boy, but its also even more personal for him because he's a trans boy and he feels like he needs to change his personality in order to pass/he isnt really real because his personality doesnt fit the stereotypical image of a man. Like if you'd looked at the two of them back when they were identical twins, you probably would have expected Darcy to end up being trans if you were the sort of person who believes those basic ass stereotypes about 'boys who play with barbies and girls who play with trucks'. Or i mean maybe its the other way around and Darcy is a trans girl who still has a 'masculine' personality according to stereotypes? Or even both of them are trans and both face being told that they arent real because they dont fit the perfect stereotype of a trans person according to cis perceptions? Or maybe i'm overcomplicating things with all of this and it'd just muddy the message i guess. I might just keep it to them both being cis but also both of them like girls. And i can always apply my trans and other LGBT headcanons to other characters along their adventure.
Anyway LOL im rambling too much!
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sunday morning
1/27/19
I woke up yesterday morning and I didn’t know so much pain could stay in my body.
I called mom. I needed her. 
My eyes were swollen almost shut from crying. 
Heartbroken. But he didn’t break my heart. 
Everyone said the same thing. Mom, Dad, Alex, Amy. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. It’ll come back around. 
I picked up my packages at Speare and sat reading the Creative Habit for a second. 
A single lacrosse player in a white helmet and white shoes was practicing with a lax back outside my window and I cried. It wouldn’t be Daniel though. He’d still be in his peacoat. 
I went to Miss You Like Hell with Julia
I couldn’t breathe getting dressed when I realized I’d worn the outfit I was about to throw on - black tights and my denim dress with my pink bralette with my platform shoes- when I realized I’d created that outfit for the train ride down to Boston winter break to the park plaza. It’d be an easy dress to take off, easy to change into my sexy undies, I was so sweaty when we got the hotel that the entire sides of the dress were soaked from my armpits and we laughed. Change of plans obviously. I wore my new jumper. I’ve never worn it before. I wanted to show him how I looked kinda nice even though my eyes were smaller than usual.
Julia was very kind and listened and understood. It was really important to me that they all didn’t just have whatever Mia’s version of the story was.
The tickets at the ART were identical to my barbershop chronicles one. I sat with lead actress’s boyfriend and mother, who went on about how they’d been dating for 8 years and met in high school show choir. How they were gonna get married and she’d flown in for possible mother-in-law points. How her last show was at the Seacoast Repertory Theatre in Newburyport. That hurts. That hurt a lot. As either mom or dad said after, “Can’t make this shit up” 
The play was incredible. Relevant and necessary and breathtaking. It hurt. And I am in a raw state of being. So everything hurt doubly. When she sang “I’m gonna miss you like hell. There’s a hole in the world in the shape of you. I’m gonna miss you like hell. There’s a hole in the world in the shape of us.” or “You are the bread and I am the hunger” I wept for this mother and daughter who are real they are real and this story is real. And selfishly, selfishly, I wept for myself. I wept for the loss of the love of my life. I wept for the fact that I couldn’t call Daniel after the show and tell him how incredible it was and how I wanna direct something like that. 
At intermission I opened my phone to a long text from Amy. I stood up and suddenly was outside the theatre and I was crying so uncontrollably. Somehow the most painful words there were the first ones. “Hi sweetheart. I talked with Daniel today.” Because of everything that meant. Because it means it’s real. It’s real. Because it means she talked to Daniel my Daniel about how he’s not my Daniel anymore. 
I wish it didn’t happen yet. It had to. I wish it didn’t happen on that day. I wish it didn’t. I wish it didn’t. I wish it didn’t. I hope he knows I didn’t give a fuck about that party. I think he does. 
I hope he feels the way I do, still. I hope that he feels like we did the right thing but God I hope he wants to take it back as much as I do. That’s selfish. I know that. I don’t want him to be in pain and this is the worst pain I have ever felt. Ever. I called Dad when I got home last night and he said it might be permanent it probably is and I screamed that I didn’t want it to be. I don’t want it to be. I wish I could’ve said Daniel. Wait for me. Live your life. Have fun. Love it. Grow. But wait for me. And the thing is, that’s our hope. He said he’ll never not be thinking about me. I believe him. Because I know him, and fuck any hard time I’ve ever had believing him. That boy says only what he means. But I know that life continues. And I want his life to be magical. And I wanna be in it. And I wanna run back to him next week and say was this enough? Is it time? 
But i will see him again. Soon.
I hope we can keep in touch a little. I really think I need that. 
He’s my best friend.
I will never fall out of love with him.
I will always love him.
Right now I miss my best best friend. 
And I can know this: that when I have figured out these things:
How to love myself fairly unconditionally  -or at least not to hate myself. Not to swallow myself. To be kind.
How to make certain my self-love is fueled by my own satisfaction with Who I Am and not how others praise me. 
How to make my own happiness and not let it hinge upon the satisfaction of others with me. 
How to make choices for myself. 
If not what I want to do for the rest of my life, where I’m going next. What do I want now. 
And then, how to get it. 
When have figured out these things, I will find him. I will knock on his door. I’ll say hi. You are the love of my life. Is it time yet? And maybe it will be and maybe it won’t be but someday it will. Someday, someday, it will be. 
I woke up in my Grinch PJs with makeup contacts bra and two layers of shirts and a feeling like there isn’t joy in the world for me. 
I am about to have a productive day and try my very best to get everything done for tomorrow without staying up too late,
I’m gonna try to make Angels fantastic. 
I’m gonna explore some options.
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