#it’s not that bad and idk why i’m even crying

[sexswansworld]

I really want to take somebody into like an abandoned building and chase them the fuck down, you know? It’s so much more scary that way, neither of us know the layout, you won’t know where any hiding places are, I’ll get frustrated trying to find you and it’ll only make me more determined, and then I fuck you into the floor when I finally catch you. Sounds good, doesn’t it?

#femdxm #predator #prey #male prey #female pred #rough kink #hnnnngh #like I get to force you to the ground and watch you squirm #maybe cry a little #idk man #I’m tired #my sleep schedule is so weird right now #these tags are like #bad #can’t find the energy to be even remotely funny today #but yeah abandoned buildings are underrated #like why go into the dirty ass woods when I can tackle you onto concrete or tile floor #plus there’s less chance of getting bugs on us #ew #anyway #these are probably too long #haha #ok #bye

[imperpetuallylost]

kinda crazy but…

im gay for you

:o no way i’m also gay for u <3

#also i’m fucking exhausted it was a long ass day of robot #i broke down crying for no reason in the middle of my last tech interview for drama #because i was so fucking stressed abt hosting the robotics comp this weekend and waiting on college decisions #and also two of my friends were like in the hospital at the time #one bc they hadn’t eaten in like a week because of an ed and we’re doing really badly #and the other because they had to get stitches bc of sh #but i couldn’t really explain alllll of that to my drama teacher #anyway #i did hear back from one of the schools tho!!!!! and i got in!!!!!! #but they didn’t give me as much money as i would have needed to commit there #so like i probably won’t end up going even tho i really loved the school and it’s kinda my top choice #and also the accepted students days all conflict and i ended up signing up for one that would mean id miss the end of district champs #for robotics if we qualify #which my hopes are vaguely high this year #but now i’m gonna have to miss part of it if we do :///// #and the other more competitive one i’m waiting on hearing from some time this weekend i’ve been checking the portal like every twenty minute #it’s really bad #anyway i’m gonna go take a shower and then go to sleep before i drive myself to another breakdown #idk why the tags of this ask was my place to say all of this but it sure was

[mxfortune-teller]

.

#I think the depression just keeps getting worse #I don’t know if it will ever get better #I’m hurting and sad and I don’t think I can even cry #it all feels so hopeless #I try my best every day and it feels like I’m walking backwards #idk #idk what to do #also fyi this has nothing to do with the reptiles #that’s going well #or as well as just starting out goes #it’s more like…everything #like please either hit rewind or just take the damn tape out already #I want to cry but I can’t #I can’t even hold a conversation anymore #I’m so tired #I’m a bad person and a bad friend and a bad partner and just….bad at life #why is it easy for other people to be happy #why can’t I figure it out #I think I was made wrong

[transmechanicus]

“I’ll be fine i just need to uhhhhhhh idk kill” but like…what if i did haha

#my stuff #dear diary and the several thousand mfs who can see it. Despite arguably good academic performance today feels like a bad day #bc i skipped lab to take a nap #and i feel lonely and incapable of connecting more than superficially with my classmates #like i can talk to them and i do and we get along well but i never…hang out w em #or at least not as much as they seem to without me #it’s not a malicious thing i think a huge part of it is groups of ppl living or working in the same space #and i’m in a different lab building than a lot of ppl #idk…struggling to find anything that sparks joy. unable to see the future with optimism #it’s just day after day of Job where i’ll beat myself up on weekends if i don’t do Even More Work #bc that’s the nature of grad school. always homework or literature review to do like i give a shit abt the latter #i don’t care what other people are doing i don’t wanna obsessively comb through journals to make sure i’m doing Brand New Shit #i want it to stop #i don’t want to read anymore. i don’t wanna have to worry about my job outside of work. #i want to cry and scream and #like i don’t wanna quit after i worked so hard to get here #i don’t wanna wuss out #but i’m always tired. i’m never rested or relaxed or truly enjoying myself #why is this only hard for me…how tf is everyone else able to read and remember and understand this much?? #like yeah maybe i should be on adhd meds but those are fuckin spensive and a pain in the ass to get #i’m tired of being tough #i want to curl into a ball and be told it’s going to be okay and that i can rest and have it not be a lie or a half measure

[kosmicfeelings]

I worry this wound will never close and will continue to bleed

#I want to stop hurting so bad but im worried I never will stop hurting because of how much it still hurts and how it leaves me confused. #It’s been a few months and I still cry about it. My heart still aches and breaks when I think about it. #I thought they were someone who wouldn’t hurt me. but I guess I was fooled. I guess they always were that someone. Just hidden #it hurts to know that someone who I thought was a close friend and an ex got “together” in a way. #They aren’t exactly together together but together in a way where they’re kinda fucking #And that’s where it hurts. To know what they’re doing. #that was my closest friend. my actual soulmate I believed. and thats my ex. They got “together” a month later after we broke up. #after talking about it to a few people.. were they attracted to each other even when my ex and I were together? If so.. what was I? #And how could they do this so easily? Or am I just overthinking/overreacting?? I don’t know. I need someone to tell me #I look back when my friend & I were still friends. I think I started to lose them during the beginning of summer last year #I just tried believing I wasn’t and things would fall back into place soon. but they weren’t. #They just said one thing and left. Leaving me alone in the dark. #I don’t know.. I get it in some way? I was in a bad place and probably draining for them to stay but like #Idk.. I guess I can understand why they left me. but why get with someone who I dated and start.. fucking. #im so hurt by this. I’m worried this wound will never close and that I’ll be a wounded dog chained to the tree forever.

[awek-s-archived]

uh. pretty sure I caught my mom snooping around my room so that’s. certainly something.

#one major downside of her currently not having a boyfriend to control is that she’s trying to control me #and idk there’s something inherently embarrassing about being almost 26yo having to confront your mom about snooping thru your wardrobe when #she thinks you’re not gonna be in your room #obviously I called her out on it cuz I came into my room unexpectedly and the door to the wardrobe was open (I never leave it open) and shes #an awful liar? she was like me?? why would I do that?? like come on lmao #I don’t know how much longer I can take this #like when I was younger she was reading my diary and going through my texts #now she’s straight up going through my personal belongings #a year or so ago she would even log into my bank and transfer money from my account into hers bc she didn’t think I’d notice so yeah #it’s a lot that builds up and I can’t talk to her about it because it’s consistent denial and self victimisation. I want to move out so bad #I really need to leave this place and I can’t I’m going to angry cry #aweks.txt

[curufiin]

Sorry to anyone awake to see my 4:30 am ramblings but this feels like the cruelest torture loop in the world

#archi screaming #my inability to physically show my mental distress strikes again #a few days ago. i thought of that time i was on vacation with my family #and my dad asked if i still feel depressed and shit #and i was like yeah. because let’s be real i am always one stupid thing away from ruining my whole day #and they were like well you seem better to me you don’t look that depressed #and obviously i was upset bc ofc i look better to you I actively avoid looking like i’m in a bad mood for everyone’s sake #(mostly mine because then i’d have to explain i don’t know why i’m upset and i don’t know how to fix it atm so let me figure it out on my- #-own time. probably not something my parents will take as an answer) #idk looking back on it now. how the fuck did i get this bad #i don’t know i guess that’s why i’m so annoying about being depressed on the intwrnet (aka doing it publically) #and all this shit about ‘oh girls in school bathrooms are so nice if you’re crying they’ll support u even if they don’t know you’ whatever #okay that’s great . i can’t. cry. it’s not that i am physically unable to cry as in bodily malfunction #but when i’m upset i can’t cry so it’s like. idk i wish. someone would notice. that maybe i’m not fine #god i wish i was not like this and yet! what can a man do against entropy

[pepprs]

crying again lol ok

#purrs #and posting online abt it so i get immediate validation / support instead of asking for help from anyone im close to i know. but god fucking #damn it to hell. ok im going to be candid about this because it hurts so fucking bad. five years ago i met someone so important to me. and I #miss her so so so so much. and every space here i have a memory with her in. and she left in July and she’s gone. and im sobbing my eyes out #FOR WHY because it was over 6 months ago and im happier and she’s happier and we’re all happier. but i think im getting some aftershocks #being here for the first time without her exactly 5 years to the week we met: when she was so important to me. she was the whole reason i #even saw myself as something. and she’s fucking gone. she left. but she’s not dead like LMAO idk why im crying so hard when i could just #text her any time and tell her that i miss her. but idk. it’s just everything is stirring memories and they’re painful to think about now or #at least today because she’s gone and it all changed. i was just saying that i feel like im not having any emotions and tonight the grief ju #just rammed into me like a train and my fucking counselor sucks ass and won’t even help me work through it and everyone is busy and tired an #and im a staff coach so im not supposed to be having a fuckjng mental breakdown over **** pacing around in my bathroom at 1:23am but ive be #been thinking about her so much and remembering all the formative interactions i had with her here and missing her so much i want to explode #and die and p*ke and whatever. so stupid to cry about it but i fucking miss her. and i hate that she’s not here. and i’m trying so hard to b #be her but i have to be me but i can’t not have what she brought here and im just crashi ng and burning and can’t be honest and im having a #breakdown and crying so hard and i don’t know what to do. i ithink i’ll be fine after some sleep and reflection but my heart is like seizing #on itself right now and nothing takes my mind off it and i just keep crying LMFAOOOOOO. i hate it here #delete later #like how can you look at me like that and then fuck off to ****** 4.5 years later. you know? im about to punch a hole into the hallway #and i have to be quiet bc ppl are trying to sleep but it’s making me fucking crazy. #retreat tag

[peapod20001]

I wonder how many times I’ve googled whether I’m having a panic attack or an anxiety attack...

#vent #hohohahhaoho anyways #I am sooooo bad responding to things.... #anyways I’m literally less than five seconds my heartbeat shot up to 144 bpm so. fun <3 my lucky number 44 wouldn’t have it any other way #anyways I need to cry but I can’t cry so you understand. I’m pacing my room and standing with locked knees #and trying not to fumble or bump into things while makin my sister a snack while smilin and being normal <3 #do u understand. ough what is with TODAY whhhhh. is it the aderall?? did the adderall fuck me up today?? or ?? wha?? #oghghgg why am I so sweaty JUST in my pits like that’s the WORST spot to be sweaty in #kitty is here <3 she can sense when I’m crazy 🤪🤪 #I’m at 160 now <3 ogohohoo ahhhhh I can’t lay down right like that the one thing you shouldn’t do with a fast heart rate #hoho anyways the crippling fear of not being who I need to be for the people I need in order to be #sounds chaotic and strange cus of phrasing but. you understand #anyways my heart doesn’t even get like this when I’m like. performing a full page monologue in front of my peers #I can pretend to be a cat for a minute and a half and tell the dog to stay in their place and not get into mine #uhmmm yea idk I want people to feel comfortable being serious around me and prove I’m the friend to go to for things or be the one who under #understands. but I always feel like. a pariah. is that the word? idk. when I feel confronted with things all I can do is like. run away. cry #suffer alone cus it’s what I deserve. yeaaaa I’m going insane can you tell I think this is the first time since like. February where I feeL #SO bad ugh idk what. I did this to myself the fuck?? haha. hope it doesn’t stress me to hair loss and skin picking and disorderd eating and #bad (or should I say worse HA) sleep habits. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm sorry my problems are minuscule to others and I haven’t had a day of #any real discrimination or struggle in my life #i have everything I need. all I have to worry about is doing class work and attending lectures and watching plays. I don’t have to get thing #a myself or worry about food or a place to live. wooofff uhmmm. I wish I had someone here to squeeze me until I don’t feel like crying any #more. oh I feel so bad what the hell. and my nail is breaking ahahaha imagine. a life where my biggest problem I have to face is #a nail breaking mhmhmhaha #haha when you hold in your tears so hard your nose drenches your chin. sorry that’s gross ahaha idk what I’m doing flooding your dash with. #whatever this is. I’ll try to stop now. sorry

[bilbao-song]

hiiii thank you for more drawings :~)

as for the requests!! (thank you for the little jeffrey!!!!!! adorable) you’re going to be so annoyed by my answers here but:

i know there are some books out there but other than the whole Bev Thing (which i do recommend bc it’s quite entertaining…if u need a pdf i have one somewhere) 99.999999% of the information i get comes from articles/interviews/whatever. i do have one other book that i can’t even remember the title of right now lmao but i’ve actually never legitimately read it in its entirely because it’s just like…sourced from other things i’ve already read anyway. LIKE don’t get me wrong, there’s value in that, but i mainly only got it for like…a collection thing haha

as for interviews it’s hard to answer off the top of my head bc i kind of tend to get them mixed up/not know the exact source of various things without just looking at whatever i have saved haha. i have a decent sized folder full of articles/interviews that were published in various papers and magazines but tbh there isn’t a particular one i can isolate as my favorite without reviewing all of them to hunt them down lmao. the first that comes to mind is one from 1978 that i do particularly like, though! someone else was asking me about it once before so i uploaded it here: page 1, page 2. also this one that i scanned myself when i was like five days old. as for recorded interviews though, i’m obsessed with that 1976 old grey whistle test interview (how could you not be). anyway, in general i know there are some more recent ones that i loved as well!! tbh if anyone’s interested and wants recommendations or anything, it would be easier for me to just send you things directly so don’t hesitate to ask :’)

#electric light orchestra #elo #jeff lynne #e* #idk why but i chose to read bev’s book during a particular bad mental health era but it’s just funny in hindsight bc i have like #vivid memories of reading it and crying lmao #there’s nothing to cry about in there!!!!! i’m not even sure what i was crying about this point #drawings

[edettethegreat]

THEY PULLED A MADOKA TWIST. THEY PULLED A MADOKA TWIST AND I DIDNT EVEN SEE IT COMING

#Not saying which piece of media this is about bc it’s regarding the latest installment #But AAAASSJDHDJHSJKS THAT NEW CHAPTER #I’m losing my mind I’m gonna cry and scream #And no one has even heard of this manga so idk why I’m hiding the name to not spoil it #But still #i did not see this coming #In hindsight I should have but I didn’t #And that’s what makes it a great twist #I mean I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out to be a double twist #Like the character who revealed it turns out to be lying #I wouldn’t even be mad about that bc it makes sense in story #But seriously though those last few panels #Getting emotional over a character who I actively did not like prior to now #Ok fine fine he’s not so bad I admit it You don’t have to make me cry over him #But unfortunately now I’m protective of him Let’s get you away from these people my guy. Let’s get you to safety. #The manga/anime is Munou na Nana btw if you wanna suffer with me #Anime’s pretty accurate to the manga but it just barely touches on the main plot #Like the stuff covered in the 13 existing episodes is just barely getting to the point where the story picks up #That final arc in the anime is right about where I’d say the manga really picks up with the story #The beginning bits aren’t bad they’re just introductory #Like they’re necessary for introducing the plot and giving overview on what sort of environment these characters are living in #But the actual story itself is insane #You really really need to read the manga after you watch what’s currently out

[milo-is-rambling]

I know I should be excited for my brother but this whole thing feels like it’s going to be hours and hours of me feeling like a failure while my brother is happy and it’s so hard to step out of myself and be fully happy for him without feeling like a shitty disappointment

#still so upset i didn’t even get the fun graduation or prom or anything parts of high school bc I dropped out and got my ged and here my #brother is graduating for the second time and everyone’s showering him with love and praise but I had to fucking struggle to even get my GED #and no one really celebrated at all #idk. I just don’t see myself going to college really so it’s hard to think about one never getting any of this for me and two my dad not #being here to see it bc normally he was the one who would understand when I was being selfish and he would talk me out of it or at least try #while my mom was just praising my brother and being happy for her son my dad was always comforting me #ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh I feel like a failure who’s dad is dead #crying in the car waiting for my mom to get to graduation #vibes are bad but I’m so happy for my brother and so proud cause this whole thing kicked his ass and to even be in a place where he can walk #at graduation and do summer courses is incredible #like even tho he struggled he really pulled thru and I love him and I’m so proud but also why am I such a fuck up and why does no one #celebrate when I do well especially after being such a fuck up #ugh. #so sick of crying I’m gonna be crying all day #fuck this fuck this fuck this fuck this I want to stay in the car forever and do nothing

[bogwitchlesbian]

I just realised that the reason I love billy Hargrove as a character so much is that we had almost the same childhood, but he externalised his anger and pain while I internalised mine. Yes I’ve been crying for an hour why do you ask

#like it’s not okay that he hurt people obvi but like #he’s a kid #I said horrid things to people when I was hurting #but I was able to get out of that environment and change #he never got that #which yes is also why I’m crying #he needs a hug and some therapy so bad #he rlly got screwed over man idk how people can just reduce him to this one dimensional racist rage machine #like Steve was bigoted as shit in season one and he got his character growth and now we love him #but billy literally died before he could even try and be better #billy hargrove #stranger things

[haunted-maids]

not one of my guests can come over to my mini party i’m gonna 😂🤣

#c/m.txt #vent tag #i’m so. idk #i want to cry but i feel like i’d just feel like a kid #i want to die tbh !!!!! #i don’t even want to decorate anymore because no one is fucking coming except family #and all the questions and seeds of doubt that will be planted. 😅 #I MADE CENTERPIECES AND PICKED OUT DECORATIONS AND EVERYTHING G-D #WHY IS MY LUCJ THIS FHCKING BAD ALL THE TIME

[whimsyprinx]

what is it about rich ppl that once they become rich they become like soulless and greedy and hoard their wealth instead of using it to help people like a normal person would?

#whimsy whispers #like there’s been normal ppl who gain fame #where’s y’all compassion and care for other people? idk I just think I’d be different #i wouldn’t hoard all my money and buy three mansion and twleve cars and yatch or some stupid shit #like I doubt I’d be able to change all the worlds problems but I’d try to help people as best as I can #not just my loved ones but like other people and causes that need help #it just makes me wanna cry because like #god these rich ppl could be doing so much they could help so many people but you have million and billion (forgot which is bigger billion I #think?) aires who’s like just don’t help #sure they’ll donate a few thousand or hundreds of thousands if we’re lucky but that’s a penny to them that’s not a dent in the huge amount #of money they hoard for no reason #i just don’t understand why they don’t want to help people like you’re money won’t be buried with you #the money you’ve greedily kept to yourself won’t be following you to hell #i just want to be rich and help my friends and family and people who I don’t even know #i just get so tired the world is bleak and not jsut my own life but the whole world #everything is bad all the time and we’re suffering and sometimes it just feels like it’ll never get better #it won’t be better in my life time I don’t think I’m going to live to see a major positive chnage and that makes me sad #it’s almost 7am maybe I should sleep #I’m not sleepy just weepy