#it's just that a lot of emotional stuff is going on rn

[brittlebutch]

it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time

I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world

And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with

#N posts stuff #one could argue ‘we see tula worry a lot tho’ but that’s bc Worry is an Action that can occur Separately from Recognizing Anxiety #now that I know tumblr will put a hard cap on your tags w/o telling you i'm resigning myself to posting rambling meta in post body #but i'm not happy about it; anyway i love how often life is full of Coincidences bc this is something I've Finally identified in myself #like. This Month. like this is brand new articulation for some of the problems i have in life; again knowing this doesn't help lmao #bc even when you know to look Around the shape of the emotion - like 'oh my face is Snarling rn. i'm probably experiencing Something' #like i said bc you don't know What that something is OR What might have caused it then the only solution you Ever get to come up with #is just 'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else' which INVARIABLY means that you will wind up in that same situation again #and Still have no idea how to handle it bc you never could figure out what caused it so you don't know how to handle it any better than #'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else'; so 'be somewhere else' is the ONLY way you can ever think to Help it #which usually invariably turns into 'Just Avoid Fucking Everything just in case'; which doesn't work! bc life doesn't let you do that #so then it's just a cycle of falling into the same pitfalls and feeling miserable all the time; gotta love it :) #if you're like me this also gives you Bad Bad Bad Memory bc your brain will Promptly hide evidence of Scary Situation instinctively #like 3 weeks ago this dude ran a red light and almost t-boned me Full Speed & managed to stop like. maybe 3 feet away. #and i like. Startled Laughed and said 'that was scary' and then within 30 seconds i had Fully Forgotten it happened & only remembered #like 2 days ago. Ha! believe it or not this Does Not Help with 'How can I Address the Problem instead of Avoiding It Entirely?' #dimension 20 #d20: stupendous stoats #tula #d20lb

[waywardsalt]

small little thing abt botw/totk and the future of zelda games considering it seems likely that future zelda games might be in the same style as those two and how i feel like botw/totk don't actually feel like zelda games (kind of messy i just typed this out in a kind of informal or whatever way) (this post is long af btw so uhhhh yeah)

im part of the group that claims that botw/totk aren't 'real' zelda games but... i guess they are technically 'real' zelda games, but... they sure as fuck don't feel like it, and because of that, i'm not at all excited with the idea of future loz games being in the same style, especially with the pitfalls these last two games have fallen into having been things that past zelda games did especially well, it feels like things have been sort of flipped on their heads in terms of what's being valued or whatever

like... the best parts of older zelda games were things like the story and the characters and the puzzles and the dungeons and stuff like that... the best parts of botw/totk right now are just the gameplay. people enjoy these new characters, but they dont have the narrative backing that older games do, they don't have the same impactful arcs or roles allowed by a more linear story

the point i want to get at though is how botw/totk honestly don't feel like direct evolutions or steps up from past zelda games but rather just... entirely different game styles (open world games) with the zelda flavoring and worldbuilding and story styling slapped on top.

i mean... i feel like a half-decent example of some other well-known franchises that have jumped on this (honestly kind of thoughtless) open-world bandwagon are mario (mario odyssey) pokemon (sword/shield and scarlet/violet) fire emblem (kind of. with some free-walking segments in 3 houses and engage) and the soulsborne type games (elden ring), these are all other well known and storied game series' that have somewhat made the move to open world, and i think that switch was a bit smoother, kept the core and integrity of the games that came before much better than botw/totk did

elden ring is the easiest to explain- the gameplay loop and core mechanics are the same and build upon past games' you just have more room to run around and get killed in with some little open-world flourishes like material gathering.

fire emblem is... a bit less flexible in terms of changing up the core gameplay, and the addition of open-world segments are added to add bonuses to the strategy gameplay and allow for more support-building oppourtunities and little minigames, and its more or less evolution from echoes' dungeon-crawling bits and the customizable castle in fates. the core gameplay still effectively works the exact same, just with some little class or mechanic tweaks and additions.

mario odyssey, though each world was pretty massive, still had your typical 3d mario platforming, and the new hat stuff fit in pretty well with olderpowerups and gimmicks, and the boss battles feel and work pretty similarly to the way they used it- odyssey does feel like an evolution from past mario games (ps. playing two-player with one person as cappy snaps the game in half. its the secret easy mode lol)

the new pokemon games are pretty much just the same as past pokemon games, theyre just open world and buggy as fuck rip have extra little open-world flourishes that build on what past games set up. the battling works the same as ever and the progression is the same with a number of powerful trainers you have to battle to continue forward.

with botw/totk... the progression is dramatically different in terms of power-scaling, world presentation, item-gathering, puzzle-solving... pretty much everything in the established zelda format. i get that it was pretty much the aim with botw to have a fresh start and throw out a lot of the old standards but it just makes them feel so dramatically alien to past zelda games; theyre completely different experiences in pretty much every single way, and as such they dont feel like what we've (well, people who have started with and spent a lot of time with other loz games) learned to associate with the zelda titles.

with open world games in general it's a bit harder to have a truly impactful narrative akin to those in past zelda games, anyways. i will admit that botw was a good execution of trying out something entirely new, and the narrative and gameplay and world actually complement each other very well, so despite what i've said in the past I can't really fault it's narrative too much since it's a less traditional sort of narrative and effectively does what it aims to do very well.

totk, on the other hand, proves that this style of game does not mesh with the old style of storytelling at ALL. linear games can have proper narratives with coherent stakes, developing characters, twists and reveals and building emotion and mood- and all of that is thrown out the window with totk when they decided to try and have both a more linear story with actual reveals and development and emotion, while also letting you literally spoil it for yourself out the gate.

you can't really have a well-executed story when players are capable of doing things drastically out of order and of jumping into story beats without the prior buildup and straight-up ruining what could be otherwise emotional reveals, and players being capable of doing this is hard-baked in how the game fundamentally works. I honestly feel bad for people who found the fifth sage by accident before anything else.

you can't effectively have a linear story with character growth and plot developments and impactful moments while also allowing it to be experienced out of order and with massive time gaps in between; with this kind of stuff, you can't really have your cake and eat it too. say what you will about the linearity of past zelda games, but i bet you that midna wouldn't be as beloved as a character as she is if it weren't for the linear order of the story and its events. certain parts of storytelling may demand for a linear manner of telling that story.

botw's story works because none of the memories reveal anything groundbreaking taht you don't already know; they are optional and merely give you more information about these characters from link's past and simply inform you about the girl keeping ganon at bay. if you find a late memory first, that's fine- it technically doesnt reveal anything too important to you, it just fills in some gaps for you and your player character. it makes sense within the story itself for the world to be so open and for you to be able to do what you can; the story is not the focus, nor is it even needed to beat the game. the story was made with the gameplay and what you are allowed to do in mind, and as such doesn't include things such as in-depth character development or important plot-twists.

on the other hand, you can easily spoil totk's biggest plot twist in a handful of different ways completely by accident, just by getting curious about the world around you. this can shatter a lot of the mystery or tension in the plot and this can happen completely by accident to someone playing the game organically and blindly. the story itself doesn't take this into account, it reads more like a linear story that would be more suited to a linear style of play, coming across things in order to ramp up the stakes and let things be revealed at the best possible time. (tbh totk's story doesnt seem to take the player into account in general, if the game forcing you to watch basically the same long cutscene four fucking times says anything, jesus christ)

narrative pitfalls aside, botw/totk put heavy emphasis on gameplay, but not in the same way older zelda games did, and as such trade away the unique items and gimmick-y game-specific mechanics for a small toolset handed to you out the gate. what botw/totk do- giving you everything you need from the start and having very little true varation in the gameplay from then on out- make sense and works just fine for an open world game. there is, however, a lack of actual depth to that gameplay that other open world games do have (off the top of my head, the ability to unlock and upgrade abilities and have general character upgrades in fenyx rising as well as the impressive depths of elden ring's combat and character customization system). the most depth botw/totk has to the actual gameplay is just the fourish different weapon types and the ways you use your fourish abilities (saying fourish bc for real ultrahand and fuse are fundamentally the exact same thing). there is also just raising the little defense numbers on your armor and getting more stamina and health, but that does absolutely nothing to the actual gameplay but make link more durable.

i mean, sure, health in past loz games just makes link more durable, too, but thats how health upgrades in any other game work.

the gameplay switch makes sense, considering the switch from a linear puzzle-adventure concentric game to a more sandbox-esque open-world game, but it does not mesh with the former loz formula at all, so while the shift in style makes sense, it makes me think that you can't have a previous-style loz experience in an open-world sandboxish sort of game. especially with how in totk you can very easily bypass most of the fire temple just using the mechanics handed to you at the start. you can't have the same type of zelda dungeons in a game where you are allowed to do it 'wrong' and the game itself does not allow for the same kinds of puzzles.

i am of the opinion that so long as future zelda games work the same way botw/totk did, we will not get old-school zelda-style dungeons again.

the loss of a variety of items used for specific puzzles and environment switches is the loss of a varied dungeon experience and the loss of the same kind of world and character progression as past zelda games.

you are handed everything you'll ever need at the start of botw/totk. the only thing that will meaningfully change is how much damage you do. there are no alternate strategies opened up by new items that can double as weapons, no new traversal options or routes opened up by things such as grappling hooks or clawshots or whips or specific wands. even the battle system is drastically different, instead of being enemies that take specific amounts of hits to die while you can obtain progressively stronger swords, enemies are just damage sponges and you can get all kind of weapons that just do different numerical amounts of damage.

the bosses themselves- big staples and draws of zelda games- also work extremely differently. instead of having to leverage specific items to expose weak spots or having to fight in a specific manner to do damage, you are just asked to... do damage. even in totk's bosses, where sage abilities are most certainly helpful, the only boss i found to truly require a sage ability was the lighting temple's boss; the others i either hardly used the sage at all (i didn't use yunobo at all in the second phase of the fire temple boss and hardly had a need for tulin with the wind temple boss [esp considering i was using a 3-shot lynel bow to make the poor fucker a cakewalk]) or found that alternative solutions felt better, like resorting to splash fruit on repeat water temple fights instead of wrestling with having to activate and use sidon's ability. the sages are honestly fairly poor replacements for dungeon specific items.

this kind of causes botw/totk to play more like a poor man's dark souls or just like any other open world rpgish game. i don't play botw/totk for the experience of a zelda game, i play it because it's an open world game that i can walk around in for five minute before switching to something else because i liked something in that other game better.

the combat in botw/totk isnt designed in such a way that makes it feel good. mineru's mech is fucking dismal, but since it's just either shooting with a bow or attacking with one of three types of melee weapon with some timing for a dodge, it can get stale fast. it doesn't necessarily even feel good, since there's not enough variety for it to get really engaging. (this is def an uneven comparison, but elden ring's combat feels considerable better with the different dodges you can do and the amount of attack options you have with just one weapon, not to mention the amount of control you have over your general fighting style.) combat in botw/totk at hour 1 is the exact same as combat in botw/totk at hour 100, the only different being the amount of damage you do or how much of a beating you can take.

it just... the styles of botw/totk can't allow them to feel the same as older zelda games. the shift in style was clearly a good move to draw in series newbies and shake things up, but it comes at the caveat of making them feel distant from their predecessors and uncomfortably similar to other games like them. it's hard to avoid comparisons with elden ring when on the surface they are very similar games, one just feels more true to its core identity

this all is said without mentioning the way in which botw/totk lore feels almost dismissive of past series staples and seems intent on not looking back while also taking every fucking attempt to nudge you and say 'hey, remember that zelda game' and honestly all that shit does is make me want to play a different zelda game.

botw/totk seem altogether very desperate to distance themselves from past zelda games while also being unable to really tear itself from what came before and it just culminates in me spotting linebeck island on the map and going 'damn i miss linebeck' and turning the fucking game off to play phantom hourglass instead. say what you will about phantom hourglass, but it certainly handles its story progression and character development infinitely better than the game that lets you accidentally shatter the impact of the story by deciding to check out that cool temple in the distance of the depths

#quick note abt the examples from early on i got the verdict on soulsborne games from my friend who has actually played more than elden ring #and pokemon was kinda a guess the most recently mainline pokemon game i have is sun/moon #totk has made me really think about what i like in video games and why lmao. #it has also made me appreciate botw a lot more. i prefer the emptier hyrule of botw it just feels extra cluttered in totk #i like how in botw its a lot more natural and more fun to honestly run around in with there being no falling debris or scary holes #salty talks #totk salt #being annoying abt totk again hiiiii. id like to talk abt stuff i liked in other loz games but its hard to start without some kind prompt #im not entirely sure how i could really explain how i feel totk's story failed and why without going in circles for a while #its just. the gameplay and the intended story experience clash like fucking crazy plus the story relies too much on the player #to do a lot of emotional heavy lifting #like. if you want to start a convo with me abt this go for it but this is what i have to say for rn #loz #legend of zelda #totk #botw #totk criticism #i do really appreciate botw now im not gonna lie. its still not amazing in my eyes but i appreciate it for what it is #also i cannot believe totk made linebeck island worse fuck you #like. in botw theres a goddamn chest with 50 rupees and thats a good subtle nod to what's being referenced #in totk theres just two bokoblins and nothing else and i dont care if it wouldve been lazy to just have the chest there again #you explicitly namedropped linebeck might as well make good on it. its more fun to continue having little nods like that #i understand when people say that saying botw isnt a 'real zelda game' is bad criticism but tbh its not really a criticism its just an #observation. it comes with its ups and downs and for me it makes me enjoy these games less and makes me feel a bit alienated #if that makes sense. idk. its late and if i continue with that thought im going to lose it for sure #ig just. im upset abt how totk handled its story and im upset at the idea of... this being the future of these games yknow #it feels like a selfish sentiment but idk #long post #bitching abt totk

[louismygf]

girls when they just finished watching aotv

#ok this is my review #i didnt 'just finished watching' but u get it wtv #louis tomlinson #all of those voices #ok unless u wanna b spoiled u need to get off these tags rn! #i honestly thought there'd be more of the songwriting producing planning and bts footage of him working on his music #like i thought that'd be the main focus #more..... artistry and musicianship things yk? this thought made me want a behind the album doc so bad djfjf #but i do get it bc he set touring up as his ultimate goal as a solo artist. he said early on how it's his fave part in onedee #now im not saying touring ≠ artistry bc duh going on tour is fundamental for artists and for some like louis- it's what they love most #anyw thats just me. a behind the album doc could easily fix this. kinda my fault for expecting a whole different narrative hahshdj #OKAY BUT ANYWAY the first half was jam-packed with lots of feelings. heart rending gut wenching soul crushing stuff #it was so emotional i was with my sister and i didnt wanna cry beside her but i just couldnt help it 😭 #him and his family talking in depth about their loss felt gutteral. strong family... about his mom and about felicite #hm yeah </3 mmkay thats a wrap we dont need me sobbing again thinking about this family #so about the touring!! we see him struggling to find his feet to perform confidently through the years #yk... last 1d performance in xfuk. jho for xfuk. ultra fest too i think? ...ccme. telehit. scala... 2 walls tour (2020) shows in spain #aotv spoilers #its actually insane how massive his insecurities became during and post 1d 😭 #bro was acting small roles as a child. was 'popular' in school. lead singer in a cover band. main lead in grease & auditioned for xfactor #and post 1d??? man didnt know what to do with himself. it's sooo!!!!!!!! #it's evil actually leave that man's poor confidence alone! 😭 #the doc ended beautifully :> showing scenes of his show in milan. 30k+ people. ONLY there for louis! #by this point hes built up enough confidence to perform btm live for the first time!!!!! hard song to sing and he smashed it 🥹 #the title truly encapsulates everything huh. voices in his head. voices of industry ppl whispering in his ear. voices of criticism. and #voices of fans cheering and singing his songs #cathartic ending 🫶🏼 loved aotv!!! when btm played girl you Know i was gone 😭 #loved that he included the fitf uk no.1 too!!! it's a pretty little bow to this wonderful gift #i would Love to add more but i reached 30 tags LMAOOO yk what maybe i'll rb this with more tags😭💀 #louis u deserve the world the moon the stars entire planets and all the galaxies 🫂 mwuah

[technicalthinker]

woke up this morning having dreamed about a lot last night (including some very vivid stuff with a guy i dated so long ago which gave me a bit of a crisis) and felt a bit iffy, but it seemed like it was lessening over the day, surely no problem-

nope. sure is. it's time to sleep now and my body and brain is so unsettled. want to hide in my bed and never get out. googling 'spring depression' as we speak.

#personal stuff #heard someone mention ppl getting depressed when spring comes and im starting to THINK #last week has been bad and now sun is coming out and i should feel lighter abt it but im NOT #i feel like my brain is going at twice the speed but its physical capabilities cant keep up #throw in emotional dysregulation in there. #wanting to feel excited abt my projects and ideas and creative endeavours but also feeling rly stupid. #to clarify: no trauma with this dude. it's just complicated and like #dreaming abt reconnecting with him and feeling things abt it and then waking up and it didnt even happen? weird #I sometimes think i need to date just to reset my brain a bit i dont like having a rly old ex as my only baseline for dating #i dont have time for dating rn tho AND the girl i like and talk a lot to like #neither of us have time to meet and it's kinda turned a POTENTIAL thing into a stand-still. which sucks but is what it is #and i dont have the emotional space and time to try to date someone that lives closer/has easier time meeting. #with dog and job and hobby it aint mathing out

[harrylights]

.

#the Monthly Blood Bath™️ has arrived that explains it!!!! #also i just rewatched harry singing girl crush #did i actually start crying? yes #am i feeling a lot (too many) emotions about it rn as a consequence? also yes #like ofc he’s super privileged and all that #but my heart also aches for him #i’m not gonna claim to know anything about his gender #but it’s so obvious that he’s never wanted to be your like typical Masculine Man #from day fucking one dude #and being under the biggest spotlight in the world rn like #if he is feeling gender stuff #i can only imagine how difficult and heartbreaking it would be to be going thru that at the same time and being under such a watchful eye #it was hard enough for me to break out of my original mold with like #15 people knowing me lmaoooo like fuck dude #ANYWAYS #harry ily and i hope that u are/get to live as authentically as makes u comfortable 🫶 #rowyn rambles

[whomturgled]

i have so many feelings and i hate it

#and regrets of any time ive acted up or feel like in hindsight it wasnt cherishing the time i have w them as i shld be and #and things i want to do with them still and ways to love them and be loved and understand their way of loving and #i think we can be so good together and. i miss them. and i hope they miss me. #i really hope theyll miss me soon and want me again and . ik its maybe a little messed up but i want to believe and trust and #its hard and it hurts but. i really feel theres a great connection and if i need to chill out a bit and remember myself more thats fine #and on me for getting so like. moody recently. altho i kinda feel like part of that is med changes but u__u still i need to be able to like #be better and i think they make me better and so happy and. im so comfortable with them and i love them and i wld want to make it work #even if it had to be distance but i dont think i want to just be their friend like maybe but it would hurt a lot bc i love them so much #and i hope they wanna be with me too still and will allow me to romance them yknow flowers and adventures and love and take care and... yea #and maybe some of this was just them going thru a lot rn and im sorry for adding pressure to it and i want to be the comfortable respite an #auurgrgghfhdhdhhfhfdhh i miss them #i just keep thinking abt them like ill have periods of not but then i do again and. idk. #theres also a lot of complicated feelings and thoughts and its like i want to like. idk. know some of their friends n stuff n. :^( idk #i dont feel well from the stress and emotions and ow of it all #i really hope it isnt just a way for them to let me down i really hope they come back eventually like i wanna believe they will but #ourgsghthfhdhfhghghdhdhwkelftk4bfbhwiwjtjejAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #i love them a lot. and need to listen more abt more alone time stuff bc it is good for both of us but not like this u_u #ok sorry for rambling i needed somewhere to write feelings so here we are #i guess part of me is hoping theyre thinking abt me at least a bit and maybe will check this and see it and be like wow i do miss them too #but ik thats silly and eitth3u2ieigjtb4jirifjwji24jgntn aahhhhhhhhhhh. i say a lot of things wrong esp when scared or overly emotional and. #urgevshehrhtjrjeitjtnjeeitjtjwjeiigvjiw9384847rhfbwjoe4j4n4j289djrnrnf #i just really really hope they come back soonish and like want me and are like yes i do want you sorry for that but not a huge sorry bc #like i understand where theyre coming from and. and. yeah. idk. soon doesnt have to be today or tomorrow but maybe a week or 2 idk #i just realy miss them and it hurts and i really dont want them with someone else or to just throw it all away andni want to prove i can #like. idk. love them and be better and more positive i guess we've both been dealing w a lot of stuff and i do need to learn to accept and #more patient w how we communicate differently and we do have to face that but its a difficult topic to confront ig and aurh4hwhshhrlffff #i think they love me i want to trust and i really hope they dont try to make any decisions for me or like based on what they think best 4 m #bc i get to decide that :^( #when i said let down i meant like. leave my life and never talk to me again and stuff.. ;^(. idk how to feel abt some things but. idk. idk. #theres so many feelings and that all is just a pretty vague tip of the iceberg ugh

[cha1cedony]

I'm gonna ramble about fic writing (while taking a break from actually writing, but I'm making progress this time! I promise! woohoo. knock on wood). ANYWAY, one of my favorite things to consider as far as characterization goes is self-awareness. Because there's so many different ways and degrees to which a protagonist can be self-aware, and I just LOVE seeing how characters shift (not necessarily 'grow') over the timeline of a story. I love thinking about where a specific character would choose willful ignorance, where they would choose to come to terms with a harsh reality, where they would be entirely oblivious, where they're NOT oblivious but can't even verbalize it in their own internal monologue... chef's kiss. My favorite stuff to write

#in the context of Silver Linings I feel like this mostly applies to Grant's approach to different people/relationships in his life #especially with Darryl and Andy #and I think it's fun that they're kind of going opposite directions rn haha #I don't think that's too spoilery.. um anyway #I'm just. idk. endlessly fascinated by the concept of character writing. because it feels so organic. like I'm shaping clay or someshit #especially in fanfic because I didn't create these characters (well. excluding the OCs.) BUT STILL I just love seeing how they #sort of shape themselves throughout the course of a timeline. not even necessarily a 'plot' (because lord knows there is no plot in my fic) #I never intended Antoine for example to be anything more than a throwaway name #and I still don't know a lot of details about his life or anything. but sometimes I write little things and reread them #and it feels like there is a glimpse to some preexisting character there! that I didn't even intend! and like! that's so neat to me #I just love watching my characters (OC or otherwise; tbh I do NOT have any emotional stake in the Silver Linings OCs) change #this is a very overdramatic way to feel about silly fanfic. anyway idk I just love writing. so much love in my bones today. OKAY BYE #chalcy stuff #sorry for the (probably incoherent) ramble omg I just realized how long this is 😭 I had to delete some tags too haha

[eggbagelz]

I think im going to have a fucking heart attack

#yk when theres a lot of stuff happening at once and youre feeling a ton if emotions and suddenly it feels like #youre straight up just going to keel over and die #yeah thats me rn #oooh lord i am not. equipped for any of this i think

[bibuddie]

oof the emotions have been hitting today out of nowhere 🤡 grief is no joke fellas

#rebecca rambles #grief stuff #i’ve just been exhausted and emotional about everything like i was literally stood in the shower and started sobbing out of nowhere #i’m also due my period but i am beginning to acknowledge i have a lot of Big Emotions going on rn

[oatbugs]

i feel rly irredeemably horrible rn...longing for emotional support....anyway vent in tags

#physically i feel so ill etc . and i have to catch up on so much #and i just got a grade back for an assignment and it wasnt a 1st and literally almost . cried bc #it rly was supposed 2 be. i dont have my housing sorted out for next yr and i am rly worried #i look hideous rn bc my face is rly swollen and it was a fat transfer so u dont get to see results for like #6 months but mostly the swelling should settle in like a month but that means i will just look #kind of monsterous for a while. i cant do archery anymore bc it involves heavy weights ig which im supposed to not do #and its like as soon as i find smth i like it is taken away...i feel . like shit. etc. and according to the clinic it is Not Normal to be #so weak. have to get lasik in a few days while still recovering from transfer + nose surgery so i literally #feel like my body is going to give out but also idk if i will find time to catch up on stuff etc i feel likr my brain is rotting #i basically have no support system rn except my gf bc my friends are all so busy w their own stuff #which is also v bad. like i cannot rely on her as my sole source of emotional support #feels like academics etc have taken a backseat this yr so far and that is Horrible like i need that to not be the case #but im too nauseous and weak etc to sit up for prolonged periods of time taking notes #taking 7 antibiotics a day etc..idk . i have to travel 6hrs #tmrw then have lasik on monday then travel back 6hrs the same afternoon or tuesday morning #like i legit already feel like my body is giving out idk how i will do this. and i feel so incredibly alone throughout #all of this . idk. #genuinely i am turning into a black hole and if things get bad again i will lose it . i hate this feeling i hate the #marked loneliness that comes b4 things spiral downwards and this feels like it #that was a lot ✌️ anyway if any1 has any advice or words to share or anytjing to say ever pls do #i need human interaction soooo badly #personal

[kuiinncedes]

not this book im reading for class getting me so emotional hello

#if this character dies idk if he will but if he dies i just won't read the rest of the book lmfao jk #bruh this like perspective section ends with him 'feeling surprisingly at peace' and 'sleep coming with surprising ease' or something #sir pls don't die rn 😭 im glad ur peaceful and shit and happy and shit but if u die rn i never will be again #naur bc fr this is tthe only fucking character i care about in this whole book XD #but it's still rly interesting the other characters are just not as likable lmfaooo not likable at all tbh #KENJI PLS STAY ALIVE ISTG #the book is no no boy by john okada about a japanese guy who comes home after 2 yrs of internment and 2 yrs of prison bc he said no to #joining the army and the main character guy has a lot of monologues and stuff lol and like inner thoughts #understandably so but he's hard to like . kenji tho <333 #pls kenji literally wake up or i will fail this class i'l just have to go up to my prof ad be like actually i was gonna read the book #i promise but then kenji died and he was the only bitch i cared about and also i just cared about him too much and i couldn't go on so #anyway ..... let's see what happens i honestly have no idea but my gut feeling is telling me this bitch is dying rn 😭😭😭😭 #the next part is from his father's pov #if he dies i will simply pretend it is not true #jeanne talks #not rly being emotional over that tho this scene i just read btwn kenji and his father i was literally so 🥺🥺🥺🥺 #and ending w peaceful sleep it was also like a very like fulfilling/closure-y scene so .. IDC DON'T DIE BITCH #ok ok anyway . stop procrastinating continuing lol or if ur gonna procrastinate do some math hw instead 😭 #lmfao he doesn't even nneed to die for me to not finish the book apparently im just never gonna continue XD #if i don't continue he cant die <3 #prof: WHY DIDNT U FINISH THE BOOK me: I DIDN'T WANT KENJI TO DIE prof: he doesnt fucking die u stupid bitch #manifesting kenji u better not fucking die u stupid bitch #only bitch i respect except there was one slightly weird thing he did lol but he had good intentions kdgfkdfh #honestly i have other hw that's slightly more pressing but . continuing now #after i pee actually yes bc u all needed to know this lol #honestly i think im too influenced by like modern ya books and stuff lol i mean having that being most of what i read XD #but like this book is very light on the plot lmfao so mr okada sir keep that going no plot we don't need kenji to die <3 #AND IT'S RIGHT BEFORE LIKE A CELEBRATORY FAMILY DINNER LITERALLY im gonna

[tvrningout]

being a perfectionist is exhausting and i just wanna become an actual rock rn unu i had a bit of a mood drop, but we're gonna try to bounce back and chip away at what we owe! maybe ramble a lil!

#i wanna write and i'm tired of my mood dictating whether that happens or not #i dunno i'm just feeling so frustrated bc of stuff going on and the fact that i'm really finally feeling up to being here but #things keep happening that deter me -- nothing to do with anyone here ofc! it's all personal stuff going on #i feel like a lil ball of emotion that keeps getting thrown into walls and that means i bounce back!! but gee am i heckin tired #thank you if you read these silly rants of mine every time i write one and i'm sorry bc i feel like it's happening a lot lately #like i said there's just! a lot rn and i appreciate y'all sticking around and making this a place i feel comfortable <3 #get ready to ramble | ooc #tw rant #tw vent

[somelazyassartist]

My friend introduced me to an AJJ song and it made me wanna draw these four again,,,

#i have a lot of feelings about These Guys Specifically but. yeah #both related and unrelated to the problems I'm Dealing With #not talking about the stuff I'm dealing with rn because i do not want to #but anyways unrelated stuff like #something something Hallows becoming a parent way younger than she probably was ready for and seeing Avefaelor in the same situation #and not judging him because she was in the same situation before but also being sad he has to go through those struggles too #and so like‚ knowing (and knowing too well) that there's not much she can really do to help with the bigger emotional troubles #but still trying to help with little things to do what she can. like giving him a blanket when he passes out from exhaustion #and other things like making sure he's eating enough and watching the kids so he can take a nap when he starts overworking himself #just. just the little things to try to help where she can even if it's small because she didn't have anybody to help her when she needed it #<- very condensed version of my thoughts. i have many more #but anyways here's this. i guess #three eyed cats in my living room #hallows #hallows nightbreeze #avefaelor #avefaelor nightbreeze rosznar #bluebell #bluebell nightbreeze rosznar #snowdrop #snowdrop nightbreeze rosznar

[milo-is-rambling]

Someone tell me how to make me not hate myself and make my family not think I’m a bitch and make me want to see my family or drive back down the coast or stay in strange places or do anything other than kill myself I mean whaaatttt haha what a weird thing to say *stares directly into the camera knowingly*

#and don’t say take your medication #fuck. my moms sitting here like I was under the impression you had this all figured out and I’m like well I was under the impression you #we’re going to fucking sit down with me and help me book a room for the last night of driving bc I can’t book and I have to find somewhere #between like three states that will let me check into a hotel room bc if I get somewhere and they don’t let me stay I’m fucked and have no #where to go or sleep bc I can’t sleep in the car on the way back bc my car is packed to the FUCKING top with my brothers shit fuck fuck fuck #fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck #it’s just like being a kid I can hear my family making fun of me for my emotions in the next room over FUCK I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE T #THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS #I think I’m having caffeine nic and med withdrawals at the same time while pmsing #AND WHILE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A PLAN FOR DRIVING BACK DOWN #I think I’m the biggest bitch on the planet rn #i was listening to father by tfb in the car and there’s a line about something about falling asleep while you drive and I apparently sang iy #with a lot of passion bc my brother said ‘please don’t’ and that was literally the first time anyone has called me on my recent musicchoices #but it really has all been like I need to go anywhere but where I am right now and I need to die far away and that’s it #no more starting over no more self hatred no more family shit I just need to stop #I want to hire someone to drive my brothers shit down to Florida and then I want to kill myself in New England #Anyways. I’m gonna go try to eat something and take my meds and then move stuff around in the car and also try to get a room somewhere by #the end of my trip and I don’t have much time at all and I need to kill everyone and then myself now now now now now now now now now now now #every time I move my body the entire world spins and idk if it’s anxiety or med withdrawals or being tired or what but I am losing it and I #feel like I don’t have it in me to drive any fucking more this trip and the way back is only just beginning #and in less than hour were supposed to check out of this hotel and go to my aunts for a big family celebration of my brothers graduation and #Mother’s Day and I’m going to see all my family who still has a fucking father and I want to be fucking dead I hate all of this I hate it #I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it

[corruptedsilence]

Also I’m sorry to ask and I’m sorry about all the OOC but I was wondering, do yall have like, some blogs you would recommend? Whether open for crossover since ya know, Missi isn’t really from a big fandom, but just. I want to try and branch out to new people is all but I find it hard to break out of the same kinda clique? I wanna meet new people and really try to interact with others but I want to be fullfront in that I don’t-- know how to do that, and I’m not the best at talking with people

but if you have recommendations even if they’re just good blogs to keep an eye on cuz they’re writing is really good just, hit me up? DMs or otherwise.

#Out for a Bite // OOC #Screams from the Abyss // MT #;; im also going to try and just be more laid back wit hstuff #;; maybe try to draw a bit more stuff even if its sketches of stuff? #;; idk #;; i have no idea what kinda headspace im in rn #;; i just #;; dont know how to talk to people rn #;; my emotions today are sucky because i havent slept in 24ish hours and only did sleep for like 4hrs #;; but idk i see a lot of people i want to reach out to but im scared? #;; i dont know how to talk to people without possibly scaring them off? #;; or feeling like i did because like #;; im just staring at people on my dash and worried if i try to do anything im just gonna mess up #;; and then theyll never want to do anything ever again #;; and ill be thrown out #;; not ot mention im just #;; aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[noxtivagus]

how fleeting huh

#🌙.rambles #i rlly need to be more consistent in sleeping earlier bcs these thoughts r just #ah no. they're always there. most of the time. i just take my mind off them throughout the day n. #idk i'm not in the mood to expound on that rn but it's just so bittersweet #i'm. the kind of person to keep on looking n moving forward. onwards. ever towards the morrow. #can't be helped after all when. i genuinely am curious n interested in life. i want to reach far n high n yeah #but i'm sentimental too n sensitive n emotional n i want to hold on i want to remember #but even that's just not enough n at times it really gets so hard to live w the burden of it all. it's so heavy isn't it? #i'm passionate with literature n games n music n.. i want to take in as much as i can. learn. but also create. bcs there's a lot in me too. #n it #it's just. yk when it's simultaneously so confusing n comforting. with how life is just so full of possibilities n so full of depth n #meaning n then there's stuff too like not only my personal life n the personal lives too of the ppl i personally love but #the world as a whole w. just. all the pain in general. it weighs me down too which is why when i was younger it'd be rlly #draining to be more politically-aware but. i don't fare well with ignorance either n life is just so full of contradictions #n sometimes i think too much i feel too much #too fast too slow too little too much. #but that thinking is.. i think bcs there's a standard or smth that we have in our minds #if we just. embrace who we are at our core. as humans. n let go of all those extra stuff n all #then i think i'd be more at peace. with more freedom. i feel so restrained in this #uh. it's nearly 2 am n i'm multitasking smth before i sleep so i'm not sure if this is the right word but postmodern society? not sure #but yk this society where.. toxic social media culture n then. the distance between us. the lack of understanding n sincerity #just. hurts me so much. i hate it. it's so lonely. this world is so lonely yk? as a whole #but ahh i'm thinking too much again n that combined w my own personal struggles w pushing myself to do the best i can #& then. fuck social anxiety i just can't help overthinking too often but yeah. Yeah. #i'll go sleep in a bit tho. i think i'll just do more tomorrow.