Ok, I need to say something and get it off my chest while I actually have some energy.
I know what I want to change for the new year…even though normally I don’t really care for the idea of resolutions because to me there is no guarantee that the turn of a year implies change. I just think everyone should grow at their own pace and transform when they are ready. But my current catharsis just happens to be taking place now, so I’ll make it a resolution. A resolution about creativity.
My energy as a fandom creative has been incredibly low this year, which is weird for me. I have been in quite a few fandoms over the years, but the ones I actively decided to participate in were always fun outlets for me to improve things like my writing and actually make room for my energy. I used to write absurdly long analyses and metas in other fandoms for my own enjoyment and get into in-depth discussions with people about lore, story, themes, or whatever else would come up because that’s where I thrived. I was always the essay spammer lol. I miss the energy that was fueling me then. Something happened to it, and I wonder if it’s because I changed from “writing for myself” to “writing for the fandom” at some point.
Don’t get me wrong, I always loved supportive communities that help you grow and develop in some arena of art. I need that as a person because as isolate and introverted as I can be about my interests, I do have this side that craves the thrill of sharing passion and excitement with others. I love when I create something and other people like it too…I mean, who doesn’t?
That’s a huge part of fandom and of course I am here for that support system, but I don’t want to make my goal to be about supplying content for a fandom.
Just about a year and a half ago I started messing around with drawing for the first time in my life. I had attempted to doodle and scribble as a kid, but it was stick figure stuff. I never was serious. But the urge to depict specific pictures in my head was overpowering. I had to buckle down and watch some tutorials to get anywhere, but I did get…somewhere.
I don’t draw even slightly near the level I want to yet, but I’m glad I practice and learn new little tricks every so often. I just need to break down walls, especially the walls I have been hitting recently. These walls stop me from getting better. They kill my interest in writing. I have trouble responding to people and their conversations with me in fandom…when people express interest in my opinions, I shut down and hide. I don’t put the effort I used to into analysis or research. I am stuck and it is smothering my creativity.
My drawing and writing won’t improve until I stop being scared about challenging myself or being willing to branch out.
That’s my resolution. I need to stop doing stuff for a fandom. I need to smack myself upside the head and genuinely draw whatever the fuck I want and not to create content like a YouTuber. The reason I used to write metas or get into long lore convos with people so confidently is because I was passionate about it and not because I was trying to put something on a platform.
It’s not necessarily that I have been doing this YouTuber thing all year, but I know for certain that the stupid fandom idea of “having a role” or “being The Guy for a certain character” has craftily snuck itself into my head. I adore Bloodborne, I love my Bloody Crow, but I also fucking love Dark Souls, I love Demon’s Souls, I love Elden Ring, I love LOTR, I love Arcane, I love FF7, I love dozens of other films, books, shows, stories…
…I love so much and I want to draw stuff for all of it, I want to write for all of it, I want to express my thoughts on it. I am a subtle participant in plenty of fandoms if they aren’t too toxic, but I have restricted myself to Bloodborne because I felt “safe” about “creating content” here. I also felt a necessity at times.
But truthfully? I am going to suffocate if I force myself to restrict my creativity to one fandom forever. No, I don’t intend to leave it, because I do love it here and I want to still enjoy the community. I also still want this blog to be Soulsborne oriented while my sideblogs are for other fandoms, but that’s just for the sake of my own interest in organization, not because I have to. That’s because I fucking love Soulsborne and its fandom and I want to stay here to share and create. Not because I have to.
I have been hanging around the Soulsborne community for over ten years now…it’s just an infinite vat of creativity and inspiration. I want to contribute because it’s fun. I need to stop limiting myself to the ONE game though. It’s killing the ability to improve my drawing because I don’t truly always want to draw everything from this game. Sometimes I just want to draw knights from Dark Souls.
Sometimes I want to practice drawing armor and not Bloodborne style get-ups. I just want room and space to explore. There is plenty of variety in Bloodborne yes, but it has to be variety I am passionate about or I will half-ass it. I need that option.
It’s the same with writing. My writer’s block has been horrible this year because once I actually started sharing my fan-fiction for the first time, I felt that pressure of having readers and I wanted to make sure everything I put out was perfect. This kills my motivation. It’s utterly deadly. I actually am fine with my writing normally and am very comfortable with improving it through practice, but whenever I succumbed to the likely nonexistent external pressure, I suddenly couldn’t finish editing to save my life.
I need to be free of this and be able to enjoy my fandoms. I need them. 2023 was one of the hardest years of my life. I was so miserable so often, and it’s during those times when I really want a safe space to run and create. It helps me “regenerate.” But if I’m polluting my own safe space with pressure and worry, then what do I have left?
And so yeah, that’s my goal for this next year and the years to come. I want my old energy and passion back, to use this little online outlet to grow and learn more about drawing, writing, and whatever else catches my fancy. I won’t pressure myself about this either, but I hope it comes naturally if I take it slow and try to unlock my brain from the narrow way of thinking.
No more playing into a role. I just need to be free and enjoy myself.
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[HPHM] Tristan Cromwell Playlist
Tristan Cromwell is the youngest member of the Cromwell Clan, and therefore the youngest of Carewyn Cromwell's cousins. Despite this, being the only son of Carewyn's uncle, Blaise Cromwell, who took over leadership of the Clan after Charles's imprisonment and death, Tristan is also intended to inherit the role of Clan patriarch from Blaise once he becomes an adult. This is complicated, however, by Blaise's suffocating, controlling, abusive parenting, which results in Tristan being dreadfully sheltered, eccentric, entitled, condescending, and lacking in both social skills and basic politeness. Fortunately Tristan isn't completely hopeless. When Carewyn first meets him, it becomes clear to her that for all his faults, Tristan is an incredibly creative, yet lonely person who is desperate for love and approval. And because Blaise has always been the most important person in his life, Tristan longs to make his father proud and take care of him and the rest of his family the way he's expected to. This includes mending the rift between the Clan and Lane, Jacob and Carewyn. Somewhere along the line, Tristan internalized a lesson about love that Blaise never did, which was that love at its core is selfless and longs to make others happy instead of just yourself -- and so Tristan wants his family reunited not out of possessiveness like Blaise, but out of a strong sense of duty to and caring for his loved ones. Tristan's focus on the feelings of others may be linked to his strong interest in both creature and animal anatomy, which eventually earns him an internship with the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures and (later) helps him pursue a career as a Healer specializing in the care of magical creatures. Like all other Cromwells as well, Tristan has a deep love and passion for music. Unlike the others, though, Tristan's musical talent isn't best expressed vocally, but at the piano, which he mastered over the course of many long, lonely years trapped inside the Cromwell Manor with no one his age for company.
"This is Halloween (cover)" by Marilyn Manson
"Victor's Piano Solo" from Corpse Bride
"There's a Good Reason the Tables are Numbered Honey" by Panic! at the Disco
"Paint It Black" by the Rolling Stones
"Waiting on a Miracle (cover)" by Scott Shattuck
"Learn to be Lonely" by Minnie Driver
"Misfit" by Curiosity Killed the Cat
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day
"Shatter Me" by Lindsey Stirling ft. Lzzy Hale
"Because of You (cover)" by Stephen Scaccia
"Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance
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Saw this kind of post expressing a thing I see rather a lot online and since my knee hurts so bad for no reason I can't sleep I may as well respond to it here.
In just about every fandom space, sooner or later there's always that one person who doesn't like a thing or a fellow fan and in their screed against whatever they say something like "I'm a survivor of x bad thing" as this weird justification for their arguement. And look, my guy. My dude. You gotta stop with that shit.
Before I go any farther I wanna say that whatever happened to you, yeah that sucked. I've been there too. It's a bad feeling, especially when you're young and it just starts to hit you how bad it was. That's a lousy feeling and a real hard place to be. And you're trying to deal, trying to figure out how your world that is functionally the same as it always was is suddenly contorted around the awful thing. And suddenly something you like or some asshole you've never met blunders into that new raw wound and you freak out. I get it. It's hard being in that place in life. It hurts, it makes you mad, and it's so damn unfair that you can't fix it or make things go back to before you knew. For what it's worth, I'm sorry that happened to you. Shit sucks big time.
However. You are not the only person on earth who was hurt in whatever way you're hurting. Your trauma does not make you an expert on the matter and your hurt does not excuse you when you use it as a bludgeon to try and force people to your side through guilt. That thing that makes you feel uncomfortable and weird all of a sudden? Maybe that's the only thing that got someone who went through exactly what you did through this awful period of realization. And maybe it's all just a joke to some strangers online you'll never meet. You will never really know. It's still a dick move to try and force everyone in a room to do what you want through this guilt trip tactic. For one thing, you're almost certainly hurting someone you have more in common with than not. For another, if you don't care enough about strangers to respect that they feel differently about something than you do, why do you think they give two shits about your feelings? It sucks to find out this way but in most fandom spaces, nobody cares how you feel, and they really don't care when you're a total stranger barging in yelling that they should feel bad because something they like made you, a total rando, feel bad.
tl,dr: Using your trauma as a blunt force instrument to try and get your way is not going to work out how you want and it's a pretty good way to give others a stick to hit you with.
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surprise starter for @greedbent bc I'm low-key foaming at the mouth for these two master manipulators to meet 👀👀💦
"Excuse me, I do hope this seat isn't taken." The cheerful velvet of Kaeya's voice eased through the chatter in the Cat's Tail. He offered a grin and brief thanks as he claimed an empty bar stool next to a man clad in all black. A stranger, technically, although Kaeya had his suspicions.
Once settled he flagged over a bartender, striking up easy conversation and ordering a glass of Dandelion Wine. Casual. An ordinary patron here for drinks and socializing. Certainly not here out of curiosity towards the "random" patron he'd sat beside. He was dressed down, forsaking the outer layers of his outfit for only his plain white shirt, and his Vision was hidden out of sight, tucked up inside billowing fabric. Better to keep his cards close to the chest at a time like this.
Kaeya didn't address the other man again. He continued chatting with the bartender as she poured his drink, which he then leisurely sipped as his gaze wandered the night's customers. Only when his eye trailed naturally to the one beside him did Kaeya pause, scrutinizing his features as if he'd just noticed anything peculiar.
"I don't think I've seen you in the Cat's Tail before," he remarked, paired with an easygoing smile. "Are you new to Mondstadt?"
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Also seit Corona gucke ich Die Anstalt nicht mehr. Ich hab die Sendung wirklich jahrelang abgefeiert, obwohl die beiden jetzt auch nicht der Schramm sind… aber jetzt sind die umgefallen. Aber dass die mich jetzt hier eingeladen haben, um auch mal Kritik zu äußern, zeugt natürlich auch von einer gewissen Größe.
Kritiker zu Besuch | Die Anstalt vom Juni 2020
English translation below the cut
Since Corona I am not watching Die Anstalt anymore. I have really been celebrating this show for years, although the both of them aren't exactly Schramm [Georg Schramm, former host of the show]... but now they gave in. But that they have invited me here now to voice criticism also testifies a certain greatness.
Critic on a visit | Die Anstalt from June 2020
MU: "Claus?"
CvW: "Yes..."
MU: "What kind of camera team is that outside and who are they talking to?"
CvW: "Ah, that's the documentary they are making about us."
CvW: "The one with- the motto 'How critical are the critics.' Because of the Corona-crisis and so on."
CvW: "They have sent us a regular viewer, a disappointed one, now. He's supposed to criticise us."
MU: "What? These are our viewers?"
CvW: "I think it's a shit idea, too!"
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