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yamayuandadu · 4 months

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Tenshō Daijin: the many guises of medieval Amaterasu (part 2)

It wasn’t initially my intent to split this article into two parts, but I didn’t realize soon enough that I have exceeded every possible limitation of the tumblr post editor. While part 1 introduced the various figures Amaterasu could be identified with, part 2 focuses on various adversaries she acquired in medieval myths, from new interpretations of Susanoo to Mara. It also includes the shared bibliography.

Special thanks to my friend @just9art who helped me with the mini-section introducing the uniquely complex figure of Kōjin. Additional thanks to everyone else who was asked for their opinion about countless drafts of individual sections of this article.

Amaterasu and Susanoo revised

Amaterasu confronting Susanoo (Kamigraphie; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

Since I already brought up classical myths about the conflict between Amaterasu and Susanoo in the final section of part 1, it is impossible not to discuss briefly what implications the transformations of the former had for the latter. In the new classification of kami employed at Ise, Susanoo came to be one of the “kami of delusion”. He was even identified with Devadatta, the archetypal ideological opponent of the Buddha. However, due to complex developments in medieval Buddhism, he was essentially rehabilitated anyway. Evil thoughts, it was argued, if properly channeled, can still lead towards enlightenment.

Ushimatsuri, the most famous festival dedicated to Matarajin, here portrayed riding on an ox (wikimedia commons)

The conflict itself was also retold multiple times. For instance, there is a version where Susanoo is assisted by Matarajin and an army of demons commanded by the latter, and Amaterasu hides from them in a fortress located in Utano in the historical Yamato Province. Utano is also the site of their confrontation in an account of it given by Urabe no Kanekazu (卜部兼員) in the fourteenth century, though in this case Matarajin is not involved and it is Susanoo who hides in a fortress. Amaterasu after her cavernous retreat besieges it, and all of Susanoo’s minions turn into snakes and disappear, so that ultimately he is left alone and has to wander until he reaches Izumo.

However, Bernard Faure stresses that ultimately Amaterasu and Susanoo were not too different from each other in medieval theology. Obviously, they had distinct roles and cult centers, but they were not necessarily portrayed as contrasting figures. Amaterasu too could be described as a wrathful or ambivalent figure, and in some peripheral areas she even came to be perceived negatively (more on that later). In a way, you could say they really feel like siblings. The monk Jihen (慈遍) argued that there is no point in making a distinction between Amaterasu and Susanoo in present times (for him that meant the 1300s, for clarity) and that both are worthy of reverence. The image of Susanoo as an “evil kami” (悪神) was formed not by medieval theologians, but rather by nineteenth nativist authors, who saw him as an antithesis of Amaterasu and little more beyond that (given what interpretation of Susanoo followed in the Meiji period and beyond, this was not actually quite the worst page in his history, sadly). If Amaterasu, and thus the imperial house, were the epitome of all that is good, Susanoo, her rival in the “canon” they established, had to be the opposite, as they argued. There was little room for the more nuanced, elaborate representations of both figures common through the middle ages.

The myth of the Demon King of Sixth Heaven

A serpentine depiction of Mara from Hokusai's Shaka-goichidai-zue (wikimedia commons)

While the connection between Amaterasu and Susanoo kept being redefined, perhaps an even more important development was the acquisition of a new antagonist: Buddha’s most famous adversary Mara, known in Japan as Dairokuten Maō (大六天魔王; “Demon King of the Sixth Heaven”) or Tenma (天魔; “heavenly demon”) for short. It is well known that Buddhist doctrine presents Mara as the king of the world. In Japanese context, this led to redefining him as a “landholder deity”(地主, jinushi). While most other “landholders” were linked to specific locations, in Mara’s case these prerogatives were basically universal. This, in turn, created new opportunities for him to be relevant. Among them, there was arguably the defining example of a “medieval myth” - the account of the creation of Japan, in which he confronts Amaterasu.

The oldest version of the narrative about this conflict likely formed before 1191. While no manuscripts of it are actually that old, allusions have been identified in the Nakatomi Harae Kunge, where Dainichi manifests as Amaterasu in order to obtain a symbolic seal representing rule over Japan from Mara. Since the summary is quite vague, it can be assumed that the myth was already in circulation, and that the compilers of this ritual text expected their audience to be familiar with it.

While there are multiple variants, the core of the story is ultimately the same. It starts with an affirmation that Mara is the king of the world. However, he learns that Amaterasu is about to create a new land, and realizes Buddhism will flourish there. Since that means risking a loss of subjects, as with proper Buddhist guidance people would move towards enlightenment, he instantly intervenes, hoping to hinder Amaterasu’s efforts. Amaterasu, however, manages to deceive him: she reassures him she will not tolerate Buddhism, as reflected by the taboos from Ise I’ve discussed before. At the same time, she secretly remains a protector of Buddhism.

Mara is effectively defeated through deception. Granted, he doesn’t always leave with nothing. In some variants, Amaterasu promises that in return for fulfilling his side of the agreement he will be rewarded by being worshiped as Kōjin (荒神) and Kenrō Jishin (堅牢地神). Both of these figures warrant some explanation.

Kōjin (wikimedia commons)

The former is probably one of the most complex deities to emerge over the course of history of Japanese religions. The name designates both an individual deity and an entire category of them. Kōjin’s main role in Buddhism can best be understood as a god or demon of obstacles that impedes one's efforts towards enlightenment unless property placated, sort of like a Japanese take on Mara so to speak, though paradoxically the seventeenth century Chōseiden (窕誓伝) by Ikū Shōnin (以空上人) he is described as the honji of Amaterasu, as opposed to a form of Mara. However, it would be a disservice to limit Kōjin just to that. He (they?) spanned the entire spectrum of Japanese religions, taking roles as diverse as those of a “raging deity” (araburugami - written with the kanji as his name), and even that of a domestic "stove god". Due to the sheer volume and complexity of the material there is simply no way of doing Kōjin justice here. You will have to depend on other sources if you want to find out more. Avoid the wikipedia article though, it’s dreadfully bad. A more reliable treatment can be found in Bernard Faure’s recent monograph Rage and Ravage.

Kenrō Jishin (via Bernard Faure’s Rage and Ravage; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

Kenrō Jishin is at least in origin the Buddhist form of Hindu Pṛthvī, a divine representation of the earth, though the name sometimes designates a male deity whose character was more influenced by Chinese Tu Gong. His perception in medieval Japan was ambivalent, and he had to be placated with special rituals to prevent harm, for example during building activities

Speaking of earth, it has also been pointed out that describing Mara as an earthly deity creates a dichotomy between him and Amaterasu in some ways analogous to that between her and the earthly deities lead by Okuninushi in classical mythology. This argument has already been made in the middle ages, with Reikiki Shishō outright identifying Mara with Okuninushi.

References to conflict between Mara and Amaterasu are quite common in medieval literature. For example, the Taiheiki, one of the best known Japanese historical epics, states that Mara sealed a contract with Amaterasu with his own blood, guaranteeing that her descendants will rule Japan with his permission and will be protected by his 180000 servants. The antagonism is also referenced when the monk Jōkei on his pilgrimage to Ise has a vision of Mara and his minions plotting the Jōkyū Disturbance, and concludes it was sent to him by Amaterasu. The same monk encounters Mara in the noh play Dairokuten (第六天), also on his way to Ise. In this case the demon king physically appears in front of him, only to be repelled by Susanoo, here evidently not plying his classical role as his sister’s rival. While obviously the intent of the myth was to portray Mara as the villain and Amaterasu as the protagonist, as one can expect in the light of their roles elsewhere, a different interpretation kept reemerging every now and then.

Taira no Masakado (wikimedia commons)

Among opponents of either the imperial court, the Buddhist authorities, or both, especially in the east of the country, Mara could sometimes be recognized not as a vanquished enemy, but rather than as a legitimate ruler deposed through lies and trickery. Both the most famous rebels, like Tairo no Masakado, and entirely obscure ones, like fourteenth century noble from the Tsugaru peninsula, Tsugaru Andō (津軽安藤), could be linked, if not outright identified, with him. Bernard Faure notes that this image of Mara as an “anti-establishment” figure seemingly persisted as late as WWII, as prayers to him were reportedly held to spare one from conscription.

Mara at Ise, or how Izanagi became Ishanaten

While as far as I am aware the Amaterasu version of the medieval Japanese myth of Mara was the most widespread and influential, and it is also the most often discussed in modern scholarship, it is worth noting at least one more kami could take the role of a protagonist making a pact with the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven: Izanagi.

A Japanese depiction of Ishana from the twelfth century (wikimedia commons)

An early account of this tradition can be found in the record of the Ise pilgrimage of the monk Tsūkai (通海; 1234–1305), the Tsūkai Sankei Ki (通海参詣記). Reportedly a shrine attendant told him that Izanagi and Izanami were only able to create Japan after getting the permission of Mara, which required promising him Buddhism would be forbidden at Ise. Tsūkai was not enthusiastic about this idea, and by own account destroyed the attendant with facts and logic when he pointed out that doesn’t seem to line up with classical mythology. In response he heard that it all makes sense when you take into account Mara is Ishana (伊舎那天; Ishanaten), and Ishana in turn is Izanagi. This argumentation didn’t win him over, and he retorted by pointing out it is unexpected a creator deity would need a permit, and furthermore that Ishana is a protector of Buddhism and would not seek to have it banned in any place. We are not told whether the argument continued past that. Elsewhere, variants which largely resemble the Amaterasu narrative are recorded. One example is the kagura play Tenshō Daijin no Yamatorikoe (天照大神の山取り越), where Izanagi finds Mara when he lowers his spear into the sea, and manages to trick him into relinquishing a map granting symbolic rule over Japan. Interestingly, while this is rather obviously an adaptation of the classical myth known from Kojiki and Nihon Shoki, in which Japan is created by Izanagi and Izanami after they lower the spear Amenonuhoko into the sea, Izanami is absent, and Izanagi stands on Mount Sumeru in the beginning, rather than on a bridge linking heaven and earth. It’s worth noting that while unconventional in some regards, the shrine attendant’s explanation preserved by Tsūkai does reveal some historical truth. It is agreed today that the incorporation of Izanagi into speculative Buddhist theology depended on wordplay. The name indeed has an obvious phonetic similarity to that of Ishana, who is one of the Buddhist directional deities. On top of that, Ishana rules over the northeast, which happens to be Japan’s location relative to India. Since before the failed Mongol invasions, the dominant view was that Japan was a small, peripheral kingdom far away from the religious centers of the world, it is quite likely that medieval Buddhist thinkers might have believed Izanagi was an allusion to Ishana all along.

Amaterasu’s other adversaries

Not only the protagonist could change in the Mara myth. Keiran Shūyōshū, which I’ve already mentioned in the Dakiniten sub-section of part 1, seems to allude to a version where instead of Mara, Amaterasu makes a deal with an anonymous king of the asuras. That’s pretty remarkable, since save for the astronomical Rahu and Ketu asuras are rather sparsely represented in medieval Japanese sources.

Gozu Tennō (wikimedia commons)

Another figure who might have been viewed as Amaterasu’s rival, though much less commonly, was Gozu Tennō, who you might remember from my Susanoo article (though there is a lot left to cover some day still). It is possible that narratives from medieval Tsushima in which Gozu Tennō acts a jinushi and explains his role in creation of Japan to Amaterasu represent a tradition which competed with the more widespread Mara myth. While Tsushima was a stop on the Ise pilgrimage, it has been suggested that the main local shrine might have actually viewed Ise as a rival at the time.

Pangu (wikimedia commons)

Amaterasu and Gozu Tennō are also referenced together in a myth about the children of “king Banko” (an adaptation of Chinese primordial figure Pangu, in this context identified as a Buddha), in which the protagonist, Gorō (五郎), is identified with Gozu Tennō, and learns she(!) cannot claim any part of her inheritance because in a past life she was Susanoo, while one of her older brothers was Amaterasu. The latter explains that while Susanoo has atoned for his misdeeds, they were still bad enough to incur dire consequences after reincarnation.

A Japanese depiction of the dragon king Sāgara (wikimedia commons)

Finally, there is a unique myth in which Amaterasu is similarly portrayed as the creator of Japan, though the events unfold completely differently. It is only preserved in a single source, Shintō Saimon (神道祭文) from 1695. While not quite “medieval”, I figured it’s worth discussing here too. Instead of Mara, the opposing force are unexpectedly the dragon kings, with Sāgara (娑竭羅竜王) singled out in particular. In the beginning, Amaterasu suggests destroying Mount Sumeru and using the rubble to create islands. The dragon kings are not keen on this, because they assume it would make their domain, the ocean, too narrow for their liking. Sāgara enlists the help of a “serpent-like demon king”, who coils thrice around Mount Sumeru to put an end to Amaterasu’s plan. Alas, she figures a way around that. With the power of the kanju jewel, she dries up the ocean and destroys the dragon palace. She then moves Mount Sumeru to a freshly created island. Part of it then breaks off and falls apart, creating numerous smaller islets around.

Kokugaku and its consequences, or why the medieval sources deserve more spotlight

While the selection of figures associated with Amaterasu listed in both parts of the article is relatively extensive, it’s supposed to be only a sample, not the sum of her (or their) medieval networks. There are many more which I simply cannot cover in detail, either because they aren’t relevant to these I decided to focus on, or because I don’t know enough or couldn’t find enough sources to offer coverage of similar quality. I also largely limited myself to figures identified directly with Amaterasu, or at least those who were (or still are) closely associated with Ise, like Toyouke or Sankoshin. To delve into every single connection would be a gargantuan task. To attempt to insert new additions into Amaterasu’s family tree was hardly uncommon, for instance. To give you just a few examples: in the Awashima Saimon, Awashima Myōjin is described as her sixth daughter. However, as evidenced by the Nihon Shoki, a tradition presenting them as sisters existed too, with the Awashima deity identified as Wakahirume (on yet another note, in a distinct tradition Awashima Myōjin is a male deity identified with Sukunahikona). In yet another tradition, though, Wakahirume was identified with Niu Myōjin (丹生明神像) of Mount Kōya, who similarly came to be seen as a sister of Amaterasu as a result.

Niu Myōjin (Metropolitan Museum of Art)

Ultimately what the case of Amaterasu proves is that through much of Japan’s recorded history “Japanese mythology” was much more than just Kojiki and Nihon Shoki. Why are the medieval sources so obscure, then? This is just one aspect of a broader issue. It has been explored, among others, by Mark Teeuwen, who in a review concluded that “Kokugaku-type view of history has led Shinto scholars to focus heavily on the ancient period, to give scant regard to the medieval period, and to draw a straight line from ancient kami practice to modern Shinto.” Only over the course of the past few decades this started to change, and even though both in Japan and abroad there are now numerous researchers investigating the medieval sources, publications aimed at general audiences, let alone popculture, have yet to catch up. Kokugaku, as you may know, was a style of “proto-nationalist” or more accurately “nativist” scholarship which developed in Japan in the Edo period. Its adherents believed in an imaginary untainted, pristine age of Japanese history which had to be recovered by purifying culture from foreign influence, defined by them as Chinese or Buddhist. Note that kokugaku itself originally arose, ironically, in neo-Confucian circles, obviously heavily influenced by Chinese culture. The kokugaku movement, even by the standards of its times, had an incredibly authoritarian inclination, with its figureheads arguing that “graceful submission to higher power” is the “essential virtue of man,” as noted by Mark Teeuwen. This “higher power” was, obviously, the imperial family. That’s where the intellectual roots of later Japanese imperial project ultimately lie, as you can easily guess. Some kokugaku enthusiasts additionally lamented the loss of primal “manliness” which was purportedly an inherent attribute of the ancient Japanese spirit. All around, they were not too dissimilar from modern marble bust profile pic social media traditionalists, down to dubious, at best selective, knowledge of history. Norinaga Motoori and other kokugaku luminaries argued that the Japanese “middle ages” were a “corrupt” era unworthy of study, during which the righteous primordial ways had been forgotten due to nefarious foreign influence. This imaginary past was centered on the Kojiki, and by extension on the imperial family. In Motoori’s imagination it has existed since times immemorial, long before Buddhism. Obviously, while we cannot actually tell for sure for how long a centralized Japanese state existed before the earliest records, it is safe to assume it was younger than Buddhism by a few centuries.

It should be noted that while Japan has a rich archeological record predating the advent of Buddhism on the archipelago, the early textual sources do not show full continuity with it. An obvious example are the haniwa figures, which appear frequently in burial mounds from the Kofun period. Hundreds if not thousands have been excavated, and they have been hugely influential when it comes to depicting kami in art from the 19th century onward. You’ve likely seen such depictions even if you’re not fully aware of their origin.

However, while haniwa were evidently an important part of life in the Kofun period, as early as in the Nihon Shoki they appear to be a rather vague memory, and their origin story presented in that volume does not match any tangible evidence. It is therefore hard to argue that Kojiki and Nihon Shoki are absolute historical truth: all they actually provide us with is information about what was the desired image of the past according to the imperial court in the early eighth century. As such they are obviously a valuable resource. However, can’t be treated as universal, and their importance doesn’t warrant suppression of anything that came later, contrary to what the kokugaku school wanted. Ultimately, each myth reflects a specific historical context, and to fully understand history sources from all periods need to be analyzed.

As I tried to illustrate in this article, the medieval myths reflected broader social phenomena: economic turmoil, theological advances, a fundamental curiosity about the world and more. And while obviously they have straightforward artistic merit as works of literature, with unexpectedly nuanced characterization of Amaterasu and Mara in the new creation myth standing out in particular to me, that is ultimately the main reason why I think they deserve more spotlight.

Bibliography

Anna Andreeva, Assembling Shinto. Buddhist Approaches to Kami Worship in Medieval Japan

Idem, “The Karmic Origins of the Morning-Bear Mountain”:Preliminary Research Notes on Asamayama Engi

Idem, Itō Satoshi, Chūsei Tenshō Daijin shinkō no kenkyū (Medieval worship of Tenshō Daijin [Amaterasu Ōmikami]), 2011 (book review)

Talia J. Andrei, Mapping Sacred Spaces: Representations of Pleasure and Worship in Sankei Mandara (dissertation)

Idem, The Elderly Nun, the Rain-Treasure Child, and the Wish-Fulfilling Jewel: Visualizing Buddhist Networks at the Grand Shrine of Ise

Frederick Chen, The Great God of the Five Paths (Wudao Dashen 五道大神) in Early Medieval China

Michael Como, Weaving and Binding. Immigrant Gods and Female Immortals in Ancient Japan

Lucia Dolce, Duality and the Kami: The Ritual Iconography and Visual Constructions of Medieval Shintō

Allan G. Grapard, Of Emperors and Foxy Ladies (got some methodological qualms about this article)

Nobumi Iyanaga, Buddhist Mythology and Japanese Medieval Mythology: Some Theoretical Issues

Idem, Medieval Shintō as a Form of 'Japanese Hinduism': An Attempt at Understanding Early Medieval Shintō

Idem (with Berthe Jansen), Dākinī in: Brill's Encyclopedia of Buddhism

Michio Kamikawa, Accession rituals and Buddhism in medieval Japan

Sujung Kim, Transcending Locality, Creating Identity: Shinra Myojin, a Korean Deity in Japan (dissertation)

Fabio Rambelli, Before the First Buddha: Medieval Japanese Cosmogony and the Quest for the Primeval Kami

Idem, Re-positioning the Gods: "Medieval Shintō" and the Origins of Non-Buddhist Discourses on the Kami

Idem, The Ritual World of Buddhist "Shinto": The Reikiki and Initiations on Kami-Related Matters (Jingi kanjō) in Late Medieval and Early-Modern Japan

Idem ( with Mark Teeuwen; eds.), Buddhas and Kami in Japan: Honji Suijaku as a Combinatory Paradigm

Asuka Sango, Buddhist Debate and the Production and Transmission of Shōgyō in Medieval Japan

Mark Teeuwen, Amaterasu Ōmikami in Brill’s Encyclopedia of Buddhism

Idem, Attaining Union with the Gods. The Secret Books of Watarai Shinto

Idem, Comparative Perspectives on the Emergence of Jindō and Shinto

Idem, From Jindō to Shinto: A Concept Takes Shape

Idem, Kokugaku in: Encyclopedia of Asian Philosophy

Idem, Motoori Norinaga on the Two Shrines at Ise in: Donald S. Lopez (ed.), Religions of Asia in Practice. An Anthology

Idem, The Buddhist Roots of Japanese Nativism in: Challenging Paradigms. Buddhism and Nativism: Framing Identity Discourse in Buddhist Environments

Idem, The Kami in Esoteric Buddhist Thought and Practice in: Shinto in History. Ways of the Kami

Idem, The Laŏzĭ and the emergence of Shintō at Ise

Idem (with John Breen), Social History of the Ise Shrines. Divine Capital

Idem (with Hendrik van der Veere), Nakatomi Harae Kunge

#japanese mythology #japanese esoteric buddhism #japanese history #amaterasu

67 notes · View notes

aphroditelovesu · 1 year

Note

what would everyone's reaction (targaryen, hightower and velaryon) be if the reader were autistic like helaena?

❝🐉— lady l: i don't know anyone who has autism, so I'm not sure what I wrote, since I researched some characteristics of autistics on the internet. But I don't wish to offend anyone, the use of words ''special, different and condition'' are just ways of saying autism without using the word itself, without any pejorative form. If something is wrong feel free to let me know.

tw: mention of autism and possible murder. As the story takes place in a medieval environment, the word ''autism'' did not exist, so I will refer to it as a condition, aiming that autism is NOT a disease.

❝word count: +1,6k

❝Yandere!House's Targaryen, Velaryon and Hightower Reaction: If the Reader is autistic:

Viserys I Targaryen

Viserys would be even clingier with the reader than he already is. He is not very close (or not close at all) to his daughter Helaena, everyone knows how attached he is to Rhaenyra, but little is said about how obsessed and clingy the King is with you, even more than his firstborn daughter. Your condition made you fragile in his eyes, more than he ever considered you. Viserys is very protective of you and there's nothing he wouldn't do for you, his beloved child, and even if you're as special as Helaena, it wouldn't make him love you any less, quite the contrary, it would strengthen your bond, for he would never let you out of his sight for fear you would get hurt. And gods forbid anyone say anything bad about you, for Viserys will have their tongue.

Rhaenyra Targaryen

Rhaenyra is the only one who sees benefit in your condition. Knowing how possessive she is of you, knowing that you are uncomfortable in crowded or noisy places, preferring the quiet of your room, would make everything even more convenient for her possessiveness. Don't get her wrong, she knows that the thoughts that come to her mind the moment she lays eyes on you are not normal, even more so because you are different from others, but she knows that if you are treated differently or special can just annoy you. So, she's normal with you, clinging to her beloved sister/brother and being possessive of you in just the right measure, but still, everyone notices how soft she is with you and will rarely touch you if she notices you're uncomfortable.

Daemon Targaryen

Daemon is, surprisingly, the most compassionate of them all. He knows that you are different, that you are misunderstood by others and he identifies with that, of course, excluding the fact that you have a condition that he does not have. He's one of the only ones who treats you the same way he does everyone else, sure, he's more affectionate and kinder to you anyway, but he'll never act any different around you. You are special, not just because of your condition, but because you are, well, you. For Daemon, he doesn't care about any of that but your happiness and safety. He will still remain protective and possessive of you, but in a way, he will be more tolerant and patient than he ever was. Like Viserys, The Rogue Prince will get rid of anyone who says a word about your condition.

Jacaerys Velaryon

Jacaerys would never, under any circumstances, be indifferent or distant from you. Everyone knows how obsessive and protective Jace is of you, this is something that has stuck with him over the years and will never fade no matter how much time passes. You are of utmost importance to the prince and he doesn't care if you are different from the rest of his family, you are still you and he will continue to love you the same way he always did, you know, the Targaryen and yandere way. Jace will remain the same as ever, loving and devoted to his obsession with you. But in this particular case, he will be even more defensive and clingy towards you, he will show his cruel side to anyone who crosses him, who crosses you. No one will harm you while he's alive.

Lucerys Velaryon

Lucerys doesn't quite understand what you have, why you are so calm and often act strangely when someone touches you or at loud noises, but whenever he sees the panic in your eyes, he will rush to your side and get you out of that situation, murmuring words of comfort to you. Luke can act reckless when it comes to his obsession with you and he probably will, but this boy will cling to you in every way. He is possessive and doesn't want your attention to be anywhere else but on him. You are special to him and he will not let your attention and love be stolen from him.

Baela and Rhaena Targaryen

The twins are glued to you from the moment they set eyes on you, often getting into unnecessary fights for your attention, but in the end, what really matters is that you are there for them and they will be there for you. No matter what happens. Baela is more graceful than her sister, she is the first to notice her behavior seen from the fact how she almost always wants to grab you for dance lessons, fitting your arms together. As soon as she realized how disturbed you were by her touch, she released you and went to tell her sister about it. Rhaena will be more subtle than her sister, but they are possessive and won't take much pleasure in being taken away from you.

Corlys Velaryon

Corlys will worry about you, questioning what's wrong with you, but don't be offended, not in a bad or accusatory way, but worried. He will respect your space and keep you out of noisy places, when he sees that you hate either of these things (or both) and will make a point of accompanying you if you want. He is very protective of his beloved child and will do everything in his power to ensure your comfort. You may be different from the rest of the family, but that doesn't matter to him or any of the Velaryons, you are loved and always will be.

Rhaenys Targaryen

Rhaenys was probably the first to notice her condition, due to her spending a lot of time with her. At first, she would be worried about you, but when she sees that this poses no risk to you, she will breathe a sigh of relief. The way you act or talk will never bother her, in fact, she might even find it endearing about you. One of her charms, she will tell you. She makes you special, making it clear how unique you are. She is loving and motherly, taking care of you with all the care in the world.

Laena Velaryon

Laena is the closest to you out of the Velaryon's, she's the only one who can really get close to you. Really get closer to you. She is no different in the way she acts around you, she considers you to be her little sister/brother which automatically means she should have your back. Any mean comments made about you will lead her to protect you and make sure the wrongdoer is taken care of immediately. You can always count on Laena.

Laenor Velaryon

If you think Laena is protective, that's because you don't know Laenor. He loves you, simple as that, the way you are. He doesn't care about your way of being, in fact, he even likes it, it makes you even more unique. He will always look after and protect you, he is your big brother after all it is his duty. He won't mind killing anyone who dares to disrespect you. To make sure you're okay, it's quite possible he'll follow you around, just in case.

Otto Hightower

Otto is very close to Helaena, at least more than the other grandchildren he has, but he is even closer to you. He feels closer to you and more connected than he does with the rest of the Hightowers, even his own daughter. You're perfect in his eyes, there's nothing wrong with you, and anyone who says otherwise will bitterly regret it. He will always support you and act natural around you, allowing himself to be vulnerable.

Alicent Hightower

Alicent is already more familiar with your unusual behavior than the others, having Helaena as her daughter. She is especially attached to you, she is always finding excuses to be in your company. She acts delicate and caring around you, being as loving as possible and trying to support you. Alicent loves you very much and nothing you do, or the way you are, will stop her from loving and caring for you the way she should.

Aegon II Targaryen

Aegon is a big hypocrite, basically. While he says his sister is weird, he's totally different with you, complimenting you and saying how perfect and special you are. He doesn't care about many things but he cares about you and he will try nothing more than to please you, he wants it, he needs it. Just like the rest, he will kill anyone who says anything about you. You are perfect in his eyes and end of the history.

Helaena Targaryen

Helaena is the only one who doesn't have any kind of hidden interest in you from her family, she is what she is and knowing that you are like her makes her feel even closer to you. She is too kind for her own good and she will be for you, she doesn't usually show it, but she will do it to protect you if she sees that something bothers you or makes you upset. She will love talking to you about her bugs and will always take care of you.

Aemond Targaryen

Unlike his brother, Aemond was never bothered by Helaena's behavior and was always affectionate with her and he will be the same for you, only in a more protective and possessive way than he once was. Aemond will be more possessive of you, he fears someone will try to hurt you or take you away from him and he won't have that. He loves taking care of you, guarding you and he will always bring you something to make you happy, be it bugs like Helaena or flowers, whatever it is, he will do anything to see you happy. You are special to him and he will do anything to show you that.

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everydayyoulovemeless · 21 days

Note

HC on a modern fallout. Like same characters just in now times.

Like Obvs Nick would still be a PI but what of the others? Would factions be a thing still or would they all have normal jobs?

What of the synths?

Modern Fo4 Headcanons

➼ Word Count » 3.3k ➼ Warnings » Spoilers for many character arcs ➼ Genre » Modern AU ➼ A/N » This took me WAY too long, but I had so many things I wanted to write down and expand on.

COMPANIONS [ these are how I imagine them before meeting Nate and Nora, a random couple who just happens to enter into everyone's lives ]

MacCready grew up as an orphan in Virginia where the older kids raised him. He never got adopted and, while he was thankful for the teens who raised him, there was always a sense of abandonment and negativity that he'd always attach with the state. So, when he turned 18, he hitchhiked to Boston, hoping to find a happier and more fulfilling life. It didn't happen as soon as he'd wanted, however, and he bounced from place to place looking for a stable job. His rugged exterior and immature attitude forced him out of a lot of areas, but there was a group that didn't mind any of that. MacCready was ecstatic when the Gunners first picked him up. They gave him jobs, sure, but they had also given him a group he could identify with in the same way he did with the kids back at the Orphanage. After a year of working with them, MacCready met Lucy. He'd originally planned on robbing her, but her name reminded her too much of the Lucy he'd grown up with, and offered to walk he home instead. When they had gotten to her door she asked him about why he was wearing army pants. He jokingly told her that he was in the military who was currently on leave, which she ended up believing. It surprised MacCready since his Gunners tattoo was visible on his arm, but he found her gullibility to be endearing. After that, the two spent a lot of time together, but right after Duncan was born, she pieced together his association with the gang, left him, and quickly moved into an apartment located in a safer area. Heartbroken and consumed with guilt, he quit the gang for good and worked to better himself and clean up his act so that he could be a part of his son's life, and maybe try his relationship with Lucy once more. He does a few odd jobs here and there but, so far, none of them have stuck.

Once Nick's testing was over, the students at CIT didn't know what to do with him other than to let him roam the campus, so he stuck with what he knew - police work. He'd wander the college as an officer, looking for any job or event that could require his help. At first, he was treated more as a Protectron than an actual member of the force, but that never really bothered him, as long as he was actively making people safer, then he was content. What did bother him, however, was the amount of jury trials he had to be present at for being the product of unethical testing. It always made him feel guilty that he was an unconsented clone of the real Nick Valentine's mind, and if he could, he would've chosen not to be created at all. Knowing the amount of pain his existence had caused an actual person made him feel awful, but he'd rather put that energy into his community over hating himself for something that was out of his control. He never really got over the confusion and sadness he had when he thought about who he was but, over time, many of the students began to treat him as if he were a real person. They'd greet him in the mornings, buy him ties on special occasions, and every once in a while someone would bring him coffee, forgetting that he couldn't drink it. His life slowly changed from him not understanding what his purpose was, to becoming a well-respected member in his field. Even the real Nick grew to appreciate him after he helped to hunt down Eddie when no one else wanted to. His memories of DiMA were still there (as it had only been a 2 or 3 decades compared to 2 centuries), but his brother didn't stay with the school, instead opting to discover himself elsewhere. As soon as he was allowed, he left for Maine and made a name for himself as the first robotic philosopher and occasionally sending letters to Nick.

Cait ran away from home at 15 in an attempt to escape the abuse she received from her parents. Scared, alone, and incredibly fragile, she was an easy target for many others on the streets and was taken advantage of both emotionally and sexually by almost anyone who saw her. As the years went by, the more hardened and angry she had become. Finally able to adapt to her surroundings, she stole, fought, and threatened anyone she could. This led her to be put in many juvenile detention centers and child reformat camps, both of which never helped change her view on the world. Still living on the streets at 18, she went and bought her first gun. She thought of going to visit her parents for a while, wondering if it would make some of the pain she felt go away. On the day she decided she was finally ready to go kill them, she ran into Tommy, a sleazy businessman who was desperate to strike it big in the corporate world. Seeing the potential and opportunity that a young, angry, mistreated girl could present to him, he offered her a deal. If she focused her rage into wrestling and let him be her manager, he'd help her get off the streets and really make a name for herself. She agreed and very quickly became one of the best and most well-known wrestlers in Boston, although, most of the press that covers her is about her attitude and allegation regarding her addictions. She still holds onto that shotgun she bought. It reminds her of what could've been and helps her feel a sense of security. She knows no one will take advantage of her again because she now has the means to ensure of it. She's still waiting for the day her parents beg her to take them back so she can tell them off, but they never did. It hurts her more to know that, even now that she's found success for herself, her parents still don't want her. So, until it kills her, she'll drink and inject herself with whatever she can get her hands on, desperate to numb as many of her thoughts as she can until she passes.

Danse was also made at CIT, although he's much more advanced than Nick is. Almost immediately after being created, he left to go to DC where he met Cutler. Cutler was on the verge of homelessness and pitched his idea of starting a small business to Danse who agreed quickly (he had no other plans). They sold odd things they either built or found for a few years before they were approached by a general in the US Army. He was only browsing, but Danse felt compelled by his stories from when he was in combat. There was something about serving his country and defending the common man that he found to be incredible, and so he and Cutler quit their gig and signed up for the army. There've been robots who've joined the military before, but none who made the decision on their own volition. All the others are Assaultrons and Mr. Gutsy, so having one who willingly wanted to be a part of the cause was astounding to many. Cutler eventually got mortally wounded and Danse, who was clearly devasted, was then assigned to work with Haylen and Rhys out of fear that he'd go haywire or malfunction due to the impact of his friends death, and that's where he's been ever since. The memories he'd been given were vague and slightly foggy, but the army gave him something to identify with and a cause to work for. He was prideful in the work he did and, although there were others, he served to be one of the first instances of a robot showing a willingness to fight for his country.

Ever since he was young, Preston had looked up to those who did right by people. At first, he joined a police academy to be an officer, but after a bystander got caught up in one of the scenes he'd been sent to, he quit, deciding that this wasn't something he was cut out to do. The guilt of not being able to successfully protect an innocent civilian eats away at him, so, in an attempt to make it up to himself, he went into hospice care. At least here he knows the deaths aren't his fault and that all the people he cares for have lived long, fulfilling lives. Currently, he's caring for the long-time addict, Mama Murphy (who still manages to sneak a few pills into the room every now and again). Preston adores her, but every once in a while she'll tell him about a dream she's had where the world had ended and he played a part in rebuilding it. He can't let her describe it for long, though, otherwise she'll start to panic and he'll have to grab her medication to help calm her down, and he hates having to give her drugs. Luckily he knows that she's just and elderly woman suffering from schizophrenia and none of what she says about a war torn world holds any truth. As much trouble as she causes him, Preston isn't sure what he's going to do when she's gone. He only hopes that it doesn't shatter him as much as the bystander incident did.

Codsworth still operates under Sole's roof in taking care of Shaun and the home. Nothing changes with him, however, when he went to drop Shaun off at college for the first time, he met Nick, and the two got along quite well! Whenever he goes to visit Shaun with the family he always makes sure to stop by to chat with the detective.

Piper runs a very controversial newsstand right in the heart of Boston. There are so many authorities and higher-ups whose reputations have been ruined due to her articles, and even with a mob of protestors against her, she still does whatever she wants. She grew up in a smaller town on the outskirts of Massachusetts before she managed to work up enough cash to get herself and Nat to the city, where she could finally begin to look for work to support them both. However, she quickly found that the 'big city' had many issues on its own and, since then, she was dead set on bringing people's attention to them. She doesn't care about the death threats or riots that sometimes occur outside her home. The police know her well enough by now to keep an eye out in her neighborhood. Especially Nick, who met her once while she set up a debate booth on campus and interviewed students for an article she planned on publishing. She's not rich by any means, but she loves her job. And, to her, there's no better feeling than that. She's just praying Nat isn't as prone to controversy as she is.

Curie was placed in a research facility where she helped to test and study different diseases with a group of other doctors before being places in a hospital. She mainly cares for sick children but is reveled to be one of the best doctors as she doesn't need to sleep or take any breaks. She adores her job and never stops working on cures and medicine for her patients. When she heard about the synths being created at CIT, she asked her supervisors if she could swap bodies so she could better fit in with the rest of her coworkers, as well as be able to hold vials and syringes better. They agreed and got her a custom made body for her to subvert her subconscious into. Eventually, when he's older, Shaun will come into her clinic in hopes of having his cancer fully treated, but that'll be years from now when he's in his 70s.

Even though Strong isn't affected by the FEV in this timeline, he still holds that same barbaric and thuggish aura. He's not affiliated with any gangs, but he's no stranger to violence and lives in the part of town where shootings happen the most often. Despite his intimidating stature and hostile disposition, he still frequents the local libraries. More often than he'd care to admit. He loves old literature and has a bit of a soft spot for anyone who likes it too. He claims she's overexaggerating, but Daisy will usually sit and listen to him ramble for hours about the beauty and symbolism littered throughout Shakespeare's plays or Lovecraft's short stories.

Hancock is a well-known politician who is loved as much as he is hated. Ever since Piper outed him for his drug addiction and put into question his validity and dedication to his cause, he's been somewhat of a controversial figure in the political world. Despite it all, he has no ill feelings toward Piper or Publick Occurrences and is constantly hyping it up as a reliable news source. Although he owns quite a bit of cash, he's constantly pouring it into the slums of Boston. Some think this is just a publicity stunt to make up for his occasional violent outbursts (the drugs do a number on him since he's not a ghoul), he does it because he genuinely believes it's right for him to do. Besides, the people are friendlier there. Now his biggest concern is building up his reputation again so he can beat his brother when they run for mayor against one another. Him and his secretary, Fahrenheit, have a lot planned for the city and they'd like to see those ideas become reality as quickly as they can manage.

No one's really sure who Deacon is, and some are cautious of him for it. One thing that is certain about him is that he's a massive history buff, and is almost always in a museum of some kind. His favorite past time is striking up conversation with strangers who probably just want to be left alone while they browse the artifacts displayed, but he doesn't really care. Eventually, he happens to start a conversation with Nate and Nora in the Museum of Freedom and he quickly integrates himself into the couple lives. Him and Barbara like to show up spontaneously on their doorstep with a pack of beers in their hands and grins on their faces, but surely they don't mind.. even if they still have no idea what he does for a living.

X6-88 is another one who doesn't change much. He works as security for CIT along with Nick, and few other courser's, although none of them are as approachable as the detective seems to be. He's very strict about his job and carries it out very well, however, when Shaun eventually begins to attend the college, they sorta hit it off? Not really because either of them are particularly kind to one another, but more so because they like it when people are straight forward, intelligent, and blunt and they both just so happen to be that.

Dogmeat’s a stray that everyone seems to know. Officially, he’s Mama Murphy’s, but most everyone claims him. He appears whenever someone's in distress or wherever his owner's vision take him. He's a mysterious dog with strange motives.

Old Longfellow lives as a fisherman up in Maine. Nothing particularly changes with him, he's still got the same closed off personality that he'd always had. His wife got sick and died and few years back, but his daughter went and became and engineer in a similar area to DiMA. Longfellow thinks DiMA's a kook but his daughter thinks he's a scientific masterpiece and will often ask him questions about his creation or how his mind was built.

Gage grew up around gang violence and quickly learned to steal, lie, and hurt to get the things he wanted. He never really lived in a stable home and mostly just squatted or camped wherever he could. Despite living in poverty, whenever he and his friends managed to scrap together enough money together, they'd hitch a ride to Nuka World and spend the day there. He grew to have a soft spot for the amusement park as he got older, and took up a maintenance job for them (they don't do background checks.. or any skill checks for that matter, but Gage is a quick learner.)

MAJOR FACTIONS + SYNTHS

The synths operate in society along with the other robots of the fallout universe. But, unlike the Protectrons, they can actually hold conversations. Because of that, they normally take on your regular lower-class to lower-middle-class jobs. They don't tend to be rich at all in their lifetimes due to the stigma around treating them exactly like humans. A lot of those opportunities have been stripped away from them for those exact reason. Some of them still manage to find ways around it, but it's a lot harder than how it'd be if they were a regular human. For instance, synths can't start businesses on their own. Many argue that it's because they're just not meant to do anything on their own and that they were created to help humans, but no one can give an argument on how them doing their own thing would harm them either.

The Railroad is the main group that's actively against the stereotypes and discrimination faced by the synths. Although, they've received a lot of backlash for naming themselves after a former anti-slavery group (many don't think it's fair to compare 1800s racism to whether or not bots can work higher-paying jobs), they've still become a huge relief to many synths who are desperate to be treated the same as any other person would.

The Institute is just a college in the modern age. Despite them receiving some backlash from the public about whether or not the practice of creating human-like bots, arguing that it's too 'Frankenstein-like', the students and professors still continue to build and work to make more and more realistic, artificial creatures and beings. Mr. House helps to fund their research as he finds it useful and because he also went their for school.

The Minutemen don't exist. There's no need when you have the police force, the fire department, and properly operating Protectrons active in the community. Most of hose who were a part of this faction have taken up community-centered jobs like farming or social work.

The Brotherhood of Steel continue to exist as the US Military. They're more focused on defending the country than they are preserving technology and the only places you’ll see one is in military bases or along the coast.

MINOR FACTIONS

The Atom Cats (along with Sturges) are a group of young adults who work at the local Harley Davidson. Tuesdays and Thursdays they host poetry night and generally just open the place up as a garage for anyone interested in mechanics or just hanging out with a bunch of strangers.

Raiders and Gunners are just the Bloods and Crips of the modern world. They stick with their own groups and despise anyone from the opposite side of the tracks. Shoot outs and common between them and it's best to not be associated at all if you can help it.

The Children of Atom are a strange and niche group of zealots that migrated from somewhere in Virginia to spread their gospel. No one’s sure who they are or what they want, but they’re attracted to the pollution cities bring and generally advocate for the betterment of the earth.

Ever since DiMA's arrival, Acadia's national park has turned into a debate ground for different thoughts and philosophies. People from all over the world come to visit to talk and discover other points of views. There's even a Atomite Pastor that frequents the area and promotes the newly found religion with those who are willing to listen. A strange place for stranger people.

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writingintheshadowsforever · 1 year

Text

Shuri x Reader Fatal Touch Part 2

Summary: When your secret is brought to light and threatens to unravel the life you've built. You decide its time to move on and never look back, or at least you try to. Shuri isn't letting you go without a fight

Queen Ramonda was notified of an unknown breach in security at one of the outreach centers located in Nigeria. This came as a surprise considering how close to home the neighboring country was. In the past whenever France, the U.S., or any other country made a play to steal vibranium. It was always on the outside the continent of Africa, sense it was believed every country there was under the same protection as Wakanda itself. But then again maybe that's why whoever was responsible for this attack chose Nigeria. It was an unexpected and bold move, not to mention it could be the very nation itself responsible.

Either way the mission was the same as all the others. Eliminate all threats, recover any stolen vibranium, and capture all assailants so they could identified. It was a dance the Dora Milaje had been through a number of times, but this was your time partaking in this kind of mission. Your position in the royal guard had always been special. After you revealed your secret to T'Challa not only did he agree to keep it from everyone else including his parents, Nakia, and most trusted guards like Okoye. But he went out of his way to make sure you could serve in the army, while not compromising yourself. He presented the idea to his Queen Ramonda, and King T'Chaka of giving Shuri her own personal bodyguard who would train with only the best warriors.

He made you out to be the perfect candidate voicing how you being the same age as the Princess, and being able to grow up with her. Was more of a benefit rather than a liability Shuri would see you as a friend making it easier for you and to bond and trust each other. The connection between you two would be genuine and unbreakable. It took some conniving, but eventually both of them caved. But with you being such a formidable warrior there were still moments you would go on missions. Most of them were high-level with T'Challa, Okoye, and a few guards. It was important for you to have field experience just in case.

"Is there a specific reason you required my assistance on this mission?" You asked Ayo while switching out your everyday gloves, for the more sturdy ones made out stronger material. Unlike the Doras you didn't have armor. Your mission attire was a simple black vibranium suit that took shape on your body. The same way the Black Panther suit did, but you still put on a extra layer of gloves.

"It was a suggestion I bring you along, and we could use your skillset" she told you.

You snorted "Gee I wonder who made the suggestion."

Your snippy tone had her eyes snapping in your direction narrowing at the comment. You held your hands in surrender and walked around her to join the other Doras on the bench. Ayo let you off the hook shaking her head.

She didn't have to tell you who it was, because the only person the woman took orders from was The General. Who was seemingly absent from such a big mission. Deep down while you wanted nothing more than be angry with Okoye, for once again interfering in your relationship with Shuri. For the second time in less than twenty-four hours you found yourself feeling grateful for her actions. The hurt on Shuri's face when your heartbreaking words reached her ears was still fresh on your mind.

There was no doubt in your heart if you had stuck around a second longer. You would've caved in and took everything you said back. Even it took dropping down on your knees and begging for her forgiveness. You cherished her love more than your own dignity, but Okoye had been right. The Princess deserved to be someone who could love her all the way, and not just halfway. She deserved more than your empty promises, and distance love.

It would be a hard adjustment for both of you, and maybe you would have to stay gone a bit longer. This time for the message to really sink in, but once it did Shuri would finally move on. Seeing her happy and falling in love with someone else was going to tear a hole in your heart. A hole that could never be filled without her, but its what's best for Shuri.

"Are you sure we need her for this particular mission?" Aneka questioned her love. Her eyes were trained on your relaxed form. You were sitting between two other Doras with your head thrown back against the wall of the Talon fighter. Eyes were closed with your breathing steady. You didn't look to be in distress anymore, but all she could think about was all the inner turmoil. You had been going through just an hour ago, and your refusal to share any info on what was causing it.

"Okoye wanted me to bring her" Ayo replied making it clear. Your presence here was never up for discussion. "Is there something going on I should know about?"

"Just keep an eye on her during the fight alright don't let her out of your sight if you can. The Queen doesn't want any casualties on this mission, and that's kind of ironic with her here."

"Are you saying y/n can't show restraint?

Aneka raised an eyebrow and scoffed. "She is an urban legend outside of Wakanda. They call her the Girl with The Touch of Death. I'm not completely sure of how she got that name, but everyone here has heard stories."

"Nevertheless y/n knows her place and will follow orders the same as everyone else here" Ayo said with certainty in her voice, but it wavered a little bit. The second in command wouldn't admit to her lover, or anyone else, but she felt something was off with your aura. She just prayed to Bast it didn't jeopardize the mission.

One Hour Later

The Talon Fighters landed in a discreet location in a wooded area covered by the trees and bush. It would be a ten minute hike to the Outreach center, but it allowed you guys to keep the element of surprise. It was believed the strike team had already managed to get their hands on some vibranium samples, and were in the process of dealing with the scientists and volunteers. It was important that no one died considering some of the volunteers belonged to different countries who wouldn't be too happy with losing an asset.

It was the last Queen Ramonda needed right now.

"Alright is everyone clear on the objective. We move in quietly, spilt up accordingly to locate our targets, and neutralize with minimal force." Ayo shouted to all of the Doras her eyes scanning the small army to make sure everyone was paying attention.

When her eyes landed on yours her face took the form of a frown. Your hood was pulled up along with your mask covering all of your face expect your eyes. They were dark and clouded with despair, still you nodded your head along with the other Doras.

Ayo gave you the west wing of the building to clear out partnering you up with three other Doras. She could feel the waves of dread coming off you, and knew whatever storm had brewing inside of you had only gotten worse. And nothing was going to subside it you were a walking natural disaster at this point. She wished that herself or Aneka could've been in your group, but they had a lot of ground to cover. Makena was the next in line in seniority. She was only a few years behind Ayo in terms of service, and was a excellent order. She was put in charge, and warned to do her best to keep you from getting carried away.

The four of you moved through the halls at a slow, but methodical pace. None of you made any noise with your movements you could hear raindrop hit the floor, or better yet the muffled pleadings of the workers through steel walls. Once Makena was able to pinpoint the exact location of where they were being kept. She rounded all three of you up to come up with a plan of attack. But you had only one plan on your mind, and it was attack. The adrenaline pumping through your veins coupled with your bad nerves. It wouldn't take much to set you off. So when the sound of a gun clicking reached all of your ears, you broke off from the group. Drowning out Makena's panic whispers ordering you to stop.

Your foot slammed into the door kicking it in, and knocking the mercenary behind it to the ground. You counted a total of six armed mercenaries in all, and eight hostages. All of them were huddled in one corner of the lab on their knees, and hands behind their back. The mercenary on the top of the stairs would be a problem having the advantage of high ground. You rolled out of the way as a string of bullets came flying at the entrance. You came up behind a workstation, and grabbed a ball of vibranium a display. You whirled around throwing it with all your strength.

It went sailing through the air striking the mercenary on the stairs right in the face with such force. He flew off his feet and to the metal platform.

Two down. Four more to go.

By now the Makena and the other three Doras had joined the fight. Spinning the spears in unison creating an impenetrable shield that sent the bullets to the ground.

You threw your body forward crashing into another guy, and he tumbled back into the wall. Your hands wrapped around his machine gun that was strapped to his body. You pulled hard on it, twisting your body around using the momentum to bring him with you. He was slammed back first to the floor. The man struggled as your knee dropped down to his stomach causing him to groan in pain. Then your fist struck him in the face once, twice, three times.

A sickening crunch sounded off as you wailed on the mercenary alerting you to. The fact you probably broke his nose, but you didn't care the image of tears falling from Shuri's eyes clouded your mind. So you landed a punch for every single tear she shedded because of you. The man was paying for her pain in the worst way possible. A strong arm wrapped around your neck from behind and yanked you away from the bloody and unconscious man.

Your assailant tightened his grip to the point where your airways were nearly cut off. But the rage coursing through your body made you oblivious to it. You simply snapped your head back hitting the attacker in the face. With a cry of pain his hold loosened enough for you to slip out of it, and turn around.

You followed up with a hard kick to the stomach. He stumbled back right into one of the Dora's spear, and his body lit up with electricity. You still delivered a hard right hook to his jawline dropping him as well.

"Was that really necessary y/n" Makena scolded you disapprovingly.

"He's still breathing ain't he" You shot back with venom in your voice.

"You're doing too much damage. What do you not understand about minimal force?" She jabbed a finger over her shoulder pointing at the mercenary you brutally beat just a few seconds ago.

"I didn't kill anyone so back off" You seethed.

Makena opened her mouth to continue the argument, but one of the other Dora's yelled before she could.

"We got a runner."

Both of your heads whipped towards the door to just in time to see a tall, and lean white man bolt down the hallway. "We were able get a read on him. Makena he's wanted in Wakanda for theft and murder."

Your eyes darkened as you cracked your fingers. "He's mine" You whispered in a low tone.

"Y/N no he's headed towards Ayo I'll let her know" Makena ordered.

"I'll intercept him" You disobeyed orders once again to go into pursuit of the fleeing enemy. The distant words "stand down" barely registering in your mind.

The mercenary had a bit of a head start, and from the route he was taking. You knew he was heading for a back exit leading to the forest. Even though it was still daytime, and there was blue sky was shinning light down. The forest itself was shrouded in darkness from all the surrounding trees. He would have no problem losing you in the twisting paths, and disappearing forever.

You pushed your legs to move faster ignoring the burning sensation in your legs, and right as he reached the door you tackled him from behind. Both of you went flying through the door out into the wet grassy field. He rolled around so he was on top of you, but you brought a foot up kicking him away. He flew back to the ground.

Both of y'all jumped back to your feet to square off with each other. Your mask had been pulled down revealing your face to him. He had to be no older than thirty with dark brown hair, and a chiseled face with brown scruff.

"Aren't I a lucky guy I'm getting to face off with the Touch of Death" He said with arrogance in his voice. It was obvious that he believed this fight was already won for him.

You grimaced at the title never being a fan of it, and wishing that it didn't exist. Your only saving grace was that it never got back to Shuri that you had such a deadly reputation outside of the palace. In the past there had a been a few missions where your grim ability came into play. Eventually you used it enough times, and word carried throughout multiple regions. Until finally people decided that you had to be called something other than your name.

The Girl with The Touch of Death was born and you loathed it.

"Surrender now and maybe I'll go easy on you" You offered him.

"Technically if I surrender you're not supposed to touch me at all" He corrected you.

"Nahhh buddy you ran and I don't got no cuffs on me." You replied shaking your head. "You catching this beat down either way. Its up to you how bad it is."

For a second his confidence wavered as he paused circling you for a quick second. He was contemplated his chances of actually winning this fight, and in the end he must have decided. The odds were in his favor because with a cry of rage. The mercenary ran towards you with outstretched arms.

You moved to the side dodging his wild attack, and brought your leg to kick him in the abdomen. He doubled over with his head snapping to the side from a fist to the face. You danced around him slamming a elbow to the back of his head.

His foot slipped in the wet grass making him fall to the ground. Before he could attempt to get back up you brought your foot down onto his back pushing his body back down. "Its over."

"Is it really?" He asked with a underlying hopeful tone. In your peripheral line of vision you caught his hand grasping at something, and too late did you realize what it was. By the time you brought your arms up to defend your face. The dirt had reached your eyes bringing a painful sting to them. Out of reflex you tried to rub the pain away, and in that split second the tables were turned.

He swept your feet out from under you as your foot left his back, and you went down in the grass with a loud thud. He scrambled on top of your locking his legs around your waist to pin your body beneath his. His evil smile with gleaming white teeth filled your vision, once you were able to open them again. Before you knew what was happening your mouth flew open to gasp for air.

His hands were around your throat squeezing, and choking the life out of you. Eyes widening in anger with a tiny hint of fear you brought your hands up to tug on his wrists. But he was stronger, and your body was weakened. The adrenaline was starting to wear off in an last act of desperation. You brought your knees up to hit him in the back.

"Not going to work Grim Reaper" He laughed leaning down so his face were only inches from yours. His cold eyes filled with victory bored into your panicking ones.

"I heard stories about you all the time" He whispered. "People said death followed you wherever you went. People said you was Wakanda's secret weapon I never believed them.

Your vision was in and out as consciousness started to slip away from you. Somehow his words reached your brain and it sparked one last move from you. The only one you had left with your last bit of strength. You grasped the sleeve of the right glove, and tugged on it till your hand was free. The suit retracted revealing your bare right hand, and you grabbed his wrist again. This time letting your power flow freely no longer keeping it at bay. It answered your call with glee after laying dormant inside of you for so long.

The man didn't feel right away. He just kept cackling away shaking you by the neck every now and then. But then his hand started turning a light gray as his veins popped out. Once the effects traveled up his arm, his hold on your neck loosened a bit. The mercenary frowned peering down to see what was causing his body to shutdown.

A grin crept up on your face as he grew weaker your body was coming back to life. You were getting stronger as you drained the life force from him. Finally the man pulled his hands away from you with a cry of alarm. His skin had wrinkled up by now, and were completely blue and frail. "What did you do?" He cried out in fear.

You sat up taking in as much air as you could refilling your crying lungs. You spun your body around hitting him with a double kick to the face. He landed in the grass on his stomach, and blinded by rage of the near-death experience.

You leapt on his back placing your bare hand back on his face pressing his face to the grass. Your power flared up again, and he let out a wail as his body started to wither away.

"Stop pl-please staaa" his voice trailed off as the life was sucked right out of him. His body went still as his cries were silenced. You rolled off of the deceased man to lay in the grass breathing hard. "Fuck no casualties" you murmured.

"Y/N" a familiar voice called out to you with caution.

In a flash you were on your feet eyes locking onto the intruder. It was Ayo with wide eyes flickering back and forth between the dead body, and you. It didn't take long to realize her eyes were zeroing in on a specific part of your body. Your bare right hand.

"How much did you see?" You asked her nervously. It was a stupid question the way her hand gripped her spear so tight. Her knuckles were straining. The disbelief mixed with utter terror on her face told just exactly what she saw.

But you wanted to hear her say it.

"How much did you see?" You repeated a bit more fierce this time.

Ayo took a step back at the tone in your voice, and gripped her spear in both hands angling it towards you. "You killed him."

"He tried to kill me first" You argued.

"Y/N what was that? What did you do to him?" she hissed

"Ayo drop the spear it's me for crying out loud. I'm not going to hurt you." You insisted partially out of annoyance, but also with hurt. Did she fear you now that she knew the truth?

"How long have you been able to do that?" Ayo continued to question you instead. Her spear twitching in her hand.

In your eyes it didn't matter what you said her mind was already made up. "Oh screw this" You exclaimed and turned around to begin walking deeper into the forest.

Ayo didn't chase after you right away, her mind still reeling from what she just witnessed, and trying to process it. You got maybe twenty to thirty yards away from her, before she started after you calling your name with a sense of urgency.

"Y/N stop that is an order" she demanded just a few feet away from you.

You turned on her with tears in your eyes threatening to spill over. "What for? So you can keep looking at me like I'm some monster. I didn't ask for this Ayo I was born with it, and not a day goes by where I don't wish I wasn't."

"I don't thin-" Ayo began

"lixoki uyafana nje nabazali bam" You snapped cutting her off.

"Your parents" she said in confusion. Like everyone else she was under the impression you had a healthy and loving relationship with your family. So your accusation threw her for a loop.

"They hate Ayo ever since they discovered what I could do. They treated like I was devil in disguise. They dropped me off the trail leading to the palace in the middle of night. Not at the doorstep but at the trail I had to make the hike alone and cold during. The middle of the night at the age of fourteen. What loving parents treat their child like that?

"But you write to them" Ayo argued.

You scoffed "none of those letters belonged to them. I wouldn't be surprised if they packed up and moved after getting rid of me. My parents biggest fear was that the royal family wouldn't want me, and I would be linked back to them. My return was their biggest nightmare" You continued to explain wiping your eyes with your sleeve

"But why lie?"

To keep up with the facade that I came from a happy and healthy home. I had to just like I had to lie in order to make it in my new life. I knew if any of you have found out the truth you would look at me the way you are right now."

Ayo shook her head taking tentative steps forward. "Y/N I'm just a little shocked that’s all I promise."

"I only wanted a family. I wanted to be loved you know, but it was all just a fairytale huh." You said with a humorless chuckle letting the tears fall.

"Is this why you refuse to be with Princess Shuri?" She asked

"How can I be with her when my touch can kill her?"

Her gaze moved to your hands again studying them with fascination. "Is your power always active?"

You shook your head. "No I've gained control over it for most of the part it. But sometimes control slips my mind when I'm emotional or lose focus. My power doesn't kill instantly but I don't how much time I'm taking off someone’s life span. If I use my power on them for even a mere second. I won't risk it with Shuri."

Ayo regarded you with sadness and pity, but you were so beyond that now. "I'll just go alright you can tell them I went missing in action, or died whatever lie you can conjure up. I'm fine with it." You made it all of three steps before Ayo was on you gripping your forearm with a serious expression.

"I am not your parents and you are Wakandan no matter what y/n. You are one of us and I brought you on this mission, so I will be bringing you back home" she declared. "Now if you wish to run away and leave the Princess with questions rather than answers. Once we return then I won't stop you, but for now you're coming home with us."

You let out a sigh "fine but on one condition."

She tilted her head to the side in curiosity, and motioned for you to continue. Her grip tightening on your arm in warning though.

"You don't speak a word of my power to anyone" You told her with pleading eyes.

Ayo didn't give you a dignified answer because saying no would have you trying to run, and saying yes would be a blatant lie. She cared for you and understood why you wanted your ability to stay a secret. But was bind by her duty to report something this big back to her General at least.

"I won't tell the Princess" she finally said after a moment while leading you back to the building.

It wasn't the answer you wanted but it would suffice for now.

Wakanda

"Yo what's up with the Princess today?

Aamina looked up from the chemical sample she was examining to give her attention to. Her friends who were gathered around the edge of the ramp. They were located on the right side of the lab working three levels up. Princess Shuri worked in her usual spot on the first floor in the center of the lab.

She walked over to join them glancing down at her beautiful boss. "She does seem to be on edge today doesn't she."

"She is and take a look around" Kayin said making a sweeping motion with his arm. "Someone is missing from her side today."

A light bulb lit up Aamina's mind as she scanned the entire lab looking for your hidden figure. You were nowhere near Shuri and she didn't see you anywhere else. Joy filled her eyes once she realized you truly weren't here.

"So Shuri is upset and y/n is missing. Do you guys know what this means?" she cheered with giddiness.

Both guys turned to their friend with raised eyebrows, and disapproving stares. "Not cool Aamina it feels different this time" Kayin told her.

"Yeah she isn't just upset she's....." Mosi's voice trailed off as he tried to find the right word to describe Shuri's demeanor. "Devastated" he finished a minute later.

"Which means its final y/n finally came to her senses." Aamina replied disregarding their concern altogether. She could finally make her move without being disturbed.

The sound of approaching footsteps ascending the ramp made all of them swiveled their heads in that direction. Amira entered the workspace dressed in a white lab coat, a dark-blue button-up shirt, black jeans, and black sneakers. Her long black hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail. "Don't you guys have something better to do than gossip. Like I don't know your job we need those samples fully examined by the end of today."

Mosi and Kayin wasted no time in getting up to head back to their desks. But Aamina's attention went back to the sulking Princess as she tried to think of what to say.

"Aamina get back to work or go home. You can dream about Princess Shuri there" Amira ordered.

"Would you chill out" Aamina whined with a hint of anger. She glanced back at her fellow scientist, and the hardened glare that met her had the girl stumbling back.

"Don't forget your place Aamina I'm your superior. I have no problem suspending you for the rest of the week, and restricting your access to the lab for the duration of your suspension."

The threat did the job as Aamina rushed back to telescope to continue her lab work.

After making sure all of them were focused back on the tasks at hand. Amira made her way back down the ramp to head over to the main center of the lab. She paused a few feet from Shuri who was scribbling something in her tablet. Her grip on the stylus was tight and her movements seemed a bit rushed. The emotional turmoil filled the air around her, and it made the girl want to turn around.

Amira took a deep breath, and exhaled for a confident boost. Then she walked over coming to a stop a few feet to leave a comfortable distant between them. "Hey I was going to grab lunch real quick do you want to come?"

Shuri barely looked at her before giving a sharp reply. "No."

"I'm not trying to come onto Princess I'm asking as a friend. A concerned one" Amira insisted.

"My answer is still no Amira go enjoy your break." Shuri told her turning to put her back to her scientist. As she went to walk away a hand took a hold of the back of her lab coat. She whipped her head to see Amira's arm reached out.

Amira knew she was crossing a line and was at risk to loss her job. Especially with the mood Shuri was in right now, but someone had to do something. "I'm sorry Princess its just you could really use the break" Amira started.

Under her sharp gaze she pulled her hand back from the lab coat. "You're not in the best of moods today, and I get it y/n broke your heart again. But that doesn't give you the right to take it out on us. Everyone is walking eggshells around you today because you're a ticking time-bomb."

No one absolutely no one ever had the guts to call Shuri out on her destructive behavior. Especially when it came to you, everyone in her life just gave her space till the storm passed. But it wasn't a storm it was a full blown hurricane, and not a person was spared its warpath.

Shuri was ready to turn that same rage onto Amira for daring to say such a thing, but it dawned on her that the girl was right. This lab had always been her safe space, the perfect getaway for whatever she was going through. And her employees loved their work just as much as she did, and viewed it the same way. Her behavior was tainting that.

Instead of whirling around to yell at the girl like she originally planned. Shuri removed her lab coat. "Griot I'm taking a short break let my mother know I'm out if she comes for me."

"Of course Princess Shuri" The A.I. replied.

Shuri started walking towards the elevator, pausing when Amira didn't follow immediately. "Are you not coming Amira? You are the one who invited after all."

The girl stood rooted in place by shock that her plan actually worked, and the boldness paid off. Amira believed she would be out of a career by now. She blinked a few times before Shuri's voice calling out for her to "come on" registered in her mind. Amira nodded chasing after the Princess.

The Market

Amira and Shuri browsed the market for a short time to see what it had to offer. Neither of them got out that much, so it wasn't often this opportunity came by. In the past you would venture down to the market on your own, and return with a present for her. Nothing to extravagant just a nice token that she would appreciate. When they passed one of the jeweler’s stand. Her hand came up to play with the necklace resting on her collarbone. It was made out of a soft and silky material tied together with a Black Panther charm dangling on it. On the back of the charm was her brother's initials engraved.

Not too long after his death you gifted her the necklace as a remainder that. He was always with her in spirit and to keep him close to her heart. She threw herself into your lap that night in the privacy of her room to break down into tears. It was one of the rare moments where you actually held her.

Amira noticed her fingers fiddling with the charm, and the faraway look in her eyes. "Hey my usual spot is right up ahead come on" she urged her. The objective of this lunch was to take her mind off of you.

It was a nice little cozy restaurant that was buzzing with a younger crowd. The doors were held open by kickstand, and the dinning room floor plan was open. The patrons were allowed to sit anywhere they pleased, and a server would come by shortly.

The chatter went down to surprised gasps as Shuri entered the establishment. The Princess didn't get out much, but after the death of her brother. The sighting of her went from rare to nonexistent. And to see her in the company of one the restaurant’s regulars got the whispers really going.

Amira led her to a booth by the window in the corner for privacy. The tables surrounding it were unoccupied, so they wouldn't have to worry about eavesdroppers. The menus were positioned on the side of the napkin holder. She pulled them out and slid one to Shuri who sat on the opposite side of her.

"My go to is this fruit bowl mixed with meats and vegetables. I know it sounds like a weird combination but it works." Amira told her trying to see if she would try anything new.

"I think I'll keep it simple and just go with the jerk chicken with vegetable rice." Shuri replied in a quiet voice pushing the menu to the center of the table. She could feel everyone's eyesight lingering on her, and it made her uneasy. Even when she did come out in the past you were always by her side, and had methods to prevent prying eyes.

"Hey relax they are starstruck right now. It'll pass in a moment or two I promise" Amira reassured her.

"Yeah?"

"Yes" she promised nudging the Princess's foot with her own.

Thirty minutes later and indeed everyone in the cafe was back to by their own devices. Rather it was focusing on studies or telling stories with friends. Even if they were staring Shuri probably wouldn't notice, as she dug into her food. It had been hours since her last meal, and the way her mouth watered at the sight of the hot and savory dish was proof of that.

"I see even royalty forgets their manners on the right occasion" Amira quipped playfully.

Shuri paused in the devouring the nearly depleted chicken bone to glance up at her. "My apologies dear friend the food here is quite delicious."

"Its okay Princess we've all been there" She told her waving the apology off. Her own bowl of mixed fruit, veggies, and various meats sat in front of her with smoke tendrils wafting up from the heat. She took a few bites letting flavors battle for dominance lighting up her taste buds.

"That really does look good" Shuri murmured

"Do you want a bite? Hand me your spoon."

Outside The Cafe

You watched as Shuri leaned over the table to accept the spoonful of food for Amira. Her eyes lit up as she chewed on the dish a smile gracing her lips.

Just like that in the matter of a few hours the Princess had not only recovered from your words, but she had also moved on with someone one else. At least it wasn't the dreadful Aamina.

Amira really was prettier. She would be good for the Princess you decided, knowing that your love was in good hands. You turned around and walked away for good this time.

Ayo was going to tell Okoye the truth about you, and the General would realize she was right to push you away from Shuri. Eventually the news would reach her mother who in no doubt was going to tell her beloved daughter the truth.

Your time here was up.

A Few Hours Later

It was when Amria and Shuri were on the way back to the palace after a two-hour lunch break. Amira finally felt comfortable enough to bring up a sensitive topic with the Princess. It seemed like storm raging inside of her had passed by now, and Shuri had a bit more pep in her step.

"Shuri if it's okay with you there's something I want to tell you about y/n. Something you need to know" Amira said.

Shuri came to a stop to turn towards her fellow scientist with a raised eyebrow. "Don't take this personally Amira but what could you possibly know about y/n that I don't already know?" She did her best to keep her voice leveled, and not let her emotions takeover but her words came off as a warning.

Amira didn't heed it though. "Its nothing more than a theory based off what I witnessed sometime ago. While you were absent in the lab, and she thought she was alone."

"I don't do theories Amira" Shuri snapped.

"Fine if you don't want to hear it just say that. I just thought you would be interested in the story considering I believe. It might be the key to figuring out why she chooses to love from afar." Amira didn't even get to take one full step, before Shuri was grabbing her arm in a death grip.

"No I'm sorry I want to hear it" She blurted out in desperation. "Please tell me." If there one was equation in her life that seemed impossible to solve. It was the equation of your love, how could your love for her be so strong, yet you fought against it everyday. If Amira had an answer to that she wanted to hear it.

"It happened a few months ago and its going to sound crazy, but I promise its truth" Amira told her. "You were with your mother while y/n was in the lab waiting for you to return. The lab was nearly empty besides me and about two more scientists. But she was standing by your workstation like she always does, and no one else was really in her vicinity. You know I don't know why but something made me look in her direction."

She paused to take a deep breath knowing this next part was going to change everything for you. The young scientist just prayed it wasn't for the worse. You were her friend and the last thing she wanted to do was ruin your life. "Y/N was just leaning back on your workstation when something dropped from the ceiling onto her neck. I'm pretty sure it was a spider."

Shuri couldn't hold back the scoff in disbelief, but motioned for Amira to continue. It didn't seem to faze her at all. She knew how ridiculous it sounded. "She panicked and I know this sounds crazy but the spider kind of just shriveled up, and dropped dead."

"You're saying that y/n killed a spider with her thoughts or something. I don't understand" Shuri said a bit confused.

Amira shook her head. "No it touched her bare skin on her neck, and I mean she didn't glow or anything. But the second she tensed up the creature did too until it was gone. I wasn't sure of what I was seeing until y/n turned around like she knew exactly what she had done. Her behavior afterwards was pretty frantic as she looked around making sure no one else saw what happened."

"And she didn't notice you?" Shuri questioned.

"No I was on a higher level. I think it was her skin it makes sense when you think about it. Why she's always wearing gloves, and long-sleeved shirts. Why she refuses to make skin-to-skin contact with anyone. What if her skin is poisoned or something?"

Just like that the gears in Shuri's mind started turning as the theory registered in her brain. Amira's theory would literally explain everything. You pushed her away whenever she tried to kiss you, hug you, or initiate any type of physical contact.

You were never shy with your words, and Shuri could flirt with you all day without your walls going up. But it was whenever she pushed for more physically you got scared, and pulled away. You were never willing to take your relationship with her to the next stage beyond just words, and longing stares. But why wouldn't you just tell her that? Why keep it from her?

"Griot has Ayo and the team returned from their mission yet? Shuri asked the A.I. in a hurried voice.

"Yes Princess they landed in Wakanda approximately two hours ago" He answered back.

"Where is y/n's location right now."

"I'm sorry Princess but I don't have that information right now."

Shuri frowned "can you get a read on her kimoyo beads?"

"No I believe they have been deactivated Princess Shuri."

"No" Shuri whispered before breaking into a run towards the palace.

The Palace's Armory

"Did you know about this Okoye?" Ayo asked the General after recounting what had happened on the mission.

Okoye stood beside her second-in-command with her gaze focused on the city below. On the inside she was beating herself up all she could think is that she was wrong. She was wrong to come between you and Shuri. She was wrong to assume your issues with love was the product of a broken home. She was wrong to not push you to open up to her more. Now any chance to make up for her mistakes were gone considering. You were probably already gone, and this time it might be for good.

"Okoye" Ayo called her name sharply to bring her out of her thoughts.

"No I didn't if I had do you really think I would've been so hard on her." Okoye finally said turning to her with a look of regret.

"Do you think its possible T'Challa knew?"

If anyone would've known about your secret it would be him. All of the pieces to the puzzle were starting to fit right into place now. It always bewildered her how T'Challa went out of his way to give you special treatment. She still remembered the day he pulled her aside to tell her.

She would be in charge in training you privately, and to respect your attire. He made it clear your main position was by Shuri's side, and you weren't to go on any missions without his approval. All of those rules and restrictions baffled her, but now it all added up. He knew what you were capable of, and did his best to make you feel at home. T'Challa gave you a second chance at a real life filled with purpose and love.

"He knew" Okoye clarified.

"Then why keep it-" Her question was cut off at the sudden bang from the door being pushed open. Shuri came through it leaning up against the wall panting. She was out of breath and sweaty from making the long run from the market to the Palace, and to the Armory. Where she knew Ayo and Okoye would most likely be located.

"Shuri is everythin-" Okoye began to ask, but paused when the Princess held up a hand.

"Where is y/n? I need to speak with her now."

"Shuri it pains me to inform you of this, but I don't think she is here anymore. We have reason to believe she left." Ayo told her.

"I know that I need to know where she would go" Shuri insisted jabbing a finger at the General. "All those years ago when I sent you to go in search of her parents. Did you find them?"

Okoye gave her a slight nod with a frown. "I don't think they're going to be much help Princess. They weren't very welcoming when I showed up on their doorstep asking questions about y/n. The only thing her parents were concerned with was making sure she wasn't coming home."

"I don't care its the only lead we have, and I need to find her. I have to find her. Okay she doesn't get to just walk out of my life like we never meant anything to each other. I don't care if she was trying to protect me from her" Shuri exclaimed.

Her outburst caught both Ayo and Okoye off guard the last of her words making them exchange a look. And the Princess didn't miss it.

"Yes I know about her touch of death now are the two of you going to help me find her or what?"

Locating you was easier said and done. Okoye wasn't kidding when she said your parents weren't going too much help. Six years had gone by since the General tracked them down for answers, and a lot had changed between now and then.

Shuri looked them in Wakanda's database only to discover your parents had went off the grid about three years ago. She searched every nook and cranny looking for a connection to them, but couldn't find one. Without your parents the Princess was at a dead end with your whereabouts.

But she still wasn't going to give up. The state of your room made it clear you left in a hurry. Your drawers were left open with clothes hanging out, and discarded everywhere. The closet door was open with the contents of it in a disarray. Your bed remained untouched. Shuri didn't know what she was looking for, but she tore through your belongings hoping you left something behind. On accident that could lead her to you.

Two Days Later

The trip back to your childhood town took two days with you walking some of the way. Until you came across some travelers who were willing to take you the rest of the way. Since they were already headed in that direction. You made sure to pay them for their generosity once they dropped you off.

The town hadn't changed much in the eight years you had been gone. It was small and local with a few businesses. There wasn't much to do entertainment wise. One of those places where everywhere knows each other, and are friendly to one another. One school for each grade level so all of the kids would grow up together. You didn't know if any of your old classmates would remember you, but you knew some of the older people would.

For that reason you kept your hood up as you walked through the town. Keeping your face concealed as you could feel everyone's gazes following you. Some of the faces struck a cord in your memory tugging on your heartstrings, but you had your destination in mind. And didn't want to become sidetracked for even a second. Also you didn't feel like dealing with the plethora of questions they would bombard you with.

Not too many people ever left this place, and the ones that do hardly ever returned. Unless it was a social visit to family and friends. You weren't a hundred percent sure your parents were gone from this place, and your childhood friends were different people now. There was no way to know if you would even get along with you now, and the last thing you needed was more personal connections.

There was one more ulterior motive for why you were going through so much trouble to keep your identity a secret. If you knew Shuri (which you did) she wasn't just going to let you disappear in peace. Not once she realized you had no intentions of returning this time. She was going to use all her resources to in her search, and putting out a country wide alert for you wasn't off the table.

You prayed to Bast that the one person in this town who really did know and care for you was still here. The old lady never wrote back to you, and you never bothered to do a welfare check on her or anything. You had convinced yourself she was happy to have you gone, and guilt tore through your body.

Because here you was turning up on the doorstep of her house that was still standing in the same location. It was midday so if she was still here she would be cooking dinner by now with some music playing in the background. It took five minutes for you to muster up the courage to finally knock on the door. You didn't want the nosy neighbors alerting the town's guards of some stranger hanging around, and acting weird.

You heard the thumping sound of footsteps approaching the door, and your heartbreak picked up. If it wasn't her on the other side of the door you were truly out of luck, and on your own. Finally the door opened revealing a short mocha skinned woman with curious brown eyes. There were streaks of gray hair mixed in with her original black hair pulled up into a neat bun. A locket dangled on her neck holding a picture of her late husband. She was dressed in blue summer dress with some sandals.

You yanked your hood off showing your face with tears of joy and pain. "Hi Mrs.Hassan its been a while huh."

Her eyes widened in surprise at the sound of your voice. Shock coursing through her body. "Y/N baby is that really you? She asked stepping outside onto the porch to get closer. You let her until she reached out a hand to touch your cheek. At that you jerked your head back avoiding the physical contact.

She frowned as a warm smile graced her lips. "Oh its you alright stop being so stubborn and come here."

You laughed leaning down to wrap your arms around her in a tight hug. And she returned it making sure to avoid touching any skin that wasn't covered by clothing. Your laugh broke down into a chilling cry as your emotions finally caught up with you. Zola pulled back from the hug to lead you back inside the safety of her home.

Where she led you over to the couch so you could sit down, and get all the crying out your system in peace. You buried your face into your arms hunched over. You could feel her rubbing wide circles into your back trying to calm you. But all you could think was Shuri, and how life really wasn't fair.

You spent your entire life telling yourself that you would never fall in love with someone. Not because it wasn't worth the risk, but because you figured no one was capable of loving you in such a way. After all the very people who brought into this world, and was supposed to cherish you more than anything despised your very existence. All you wanted out of life was a purpose, and you found one with the royal family. But falling for Shuri was never part of the plan but the girl made it so easy. Your heart never stood a chance, and now you were thinking that Bast just had it out for you. Why let you feel something that you could never truly have.

"Sweetheart tell me what happened" Zola said softly.

"I had nowhere else to go" You whispered sitting up straight, so you could lean back into the cushions.

"I'm not angry that you're here y/n you have always been welcomed in my home, and you know that. I'm just surprised to see you here its been eight years. One day you were here and the next you were gone for a while. I was terrified those awful parents of yours did something to harm you."

Knowing that Zola never stopped thinking about you from day one made your heart clench. It made you feel even worse for not trying to visit. "I wrote you all the time."

"I know I got the letters" Zola replied nodding her head in the direction of her five shelf bookcase.

You glanced over to see a pile of old letters sitting atop the third shelf. "Wait why didn't you ever write me back?" You asked a bit hurt by this revelation.

Zola arched an eyebrow at your tone. "Baby you never put a return address on a single letter, and your parents wouldn't tell me what they done with you."

Heat rushed up to your face as you looked down slightly embarrassed. It had been your fault she could never reach out to you, but then again you figured she would move on with her life in your absence.

"I didn't know if you would care enough to write back. The letters were part of my cover story, everyone thought I was writing to my parents" You confessed in shame.

Hurt flashed in her eyes as she released a disappointed sigh. There was a moment of silence, and for a second you were worried she was going to kick you out. Now that she knew you had no real intention on keeping in contact with her. But she just asked another question.

"Where did they send you?"

"They took to the capital city to give to the King so I could enroll in the academy for young Doras."

"Ahhhh now it makes sense." But her eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. "No offense but why are you back here now then?"

"i screwed up Mrs.Hassan this stupid curse ruined everything like it always did. You are the only person in my life who's ever been able to see past it, and treat me like a person."

Zola smacked you in the back of the head making you cry out in pain, and scoot away from her. "Young lady I don't ever want to hear you talking like that again. I told you that years ago when I started bringing you over for dinner. Now I get your parents didn't love you, but not everyone else was going to be like them. You never gave people a chance to see the real you sweetheart, and every time someone did. You pushed them away and went running from the hills."

"It was better than letting them find out the truth about me, and then starting treating me like some monster" You shot back.

"But how do you could you know that was going to happen when you never gave anyone a chance?" Zola insisted.

"It wasn't a risk I could afford to take alright. I can't every take that risk even when I want to" You blurted out.

It was your last statement that had her narrowing her eyes at you as she studied you with a piercing gaze. The woman always a knack for being able to see past your words, and find any hidden meanings in them. You got up from the sofa and walked over to stare out the window.

"You let someone in" she breathed.

"Not really she kinda forced her way in by just existing. I didn't know love like existed till I saw her Zola." You told her with a longing in your voice.

"Then why are you here and not out there fighting for her?"

"Because I can't be with her not like this" You snapped whirling around to hold up your hands.

Zola shook her head while getting to her feet. "Y/N when it comes to love sometimes you have to fight no matter what. Even when the odds are stacked against you, and it seems like things can't work. You find a way or make one if you have to, but you never give up. You don't just walk away. That's how some of the greatest love stories are created."

"Sometimes walking away is love, and some of those stories still end in tragedy." You replied making eye contact with her before going on. "I won't let us become a tragedy."

"Two people who are in love with each other, and meant to be together but won't ever get the chance. Because one of you decides it's not even worth trying. It sounds like a tragedy to me" Zola argued.

"Its better than the tragedy where one of us ends up dead" You stated in a low voice.

Zola dropped it knowing that when you got like this there was no point in arguing anymore. You had already made up your mind, and no one could change it.

One Week Later

It wasn't even a question on rather or not Zola would take you in. While she hated the circumstances of your return. She was ecstatic to have some company around the house full-time again. A few of the neighbors would drop by and have tea with her sometimes, and one of the older guards stopped by at least once a week. Bringing her groceries and just to check up on her well-being, but it wasn't the same as having another person living with her.

She had someone to talk to and reminisce with about her younger days, and you loved to hear her stories. Especially the ones about her and her husband. You fit in nicely in your new/old home helping around the house by doing the hard chores. You didn't let her lift a finger when it came to taking out trash, or even picking something up from the floor. Zola started to give you cooking lessons, because if there was one life skill you lacked. It was whipping up any meal that didn't have to be microwaved. Years of living in a royal palace with a team of the best chefs in the world would do that to a person.

She didn't push you on what your plans were for the future, but her heart ached knowing you gave up so much. You thought she didn't notice you stepping away to flip through a small pocket-size notebook, but she did. A picture slipped out one day without you knowing, and when she picked it up. Zola thought her eyes were deceiving themselves.

It was you in the picture with your arm thrown around the Princess of Wakanda pulling her close. Your head was turned towards her lips puckered out nearly touching her cheek. Shuri had the biggest grin in the world eyes closed in anticipation. Waiting for the kiss that would never come.

You didn't tell her your love was the Princess herself, and now that she knew the urge to do something was stronger than ever.

You wouldn't know the elder woman was plotting behind your back till a day later. Zola had gone out into the town to do some light shopping. She left while you were sleep knowing you would insist on tagging alone to assist her in carrying stuff. But leaving you behind was intentional this time.

You were pacing around the house reading the miniature notebook while munching on. A fresh bagel Zola cooked before she left, so you could have a light breakfast. It was then you heard a light tapping on the back screen door leading to the backyard. Your steps faltered as your mind went into high alert.

"Zola that you? You yelled walking into the kitchen. No response just silence but then again it wouldn't make sense for her to use the back door. Maybe it was a neighbor but then why not answer back. It was possible they didn't recognize your voice, and figured you were an intruder. You were pretty sure no one knew of your return yet.

You went over and wretched the door open ready to fend a home invaders just in case. But no one was there the concrete platform was deserted besides her little statues. You stepped outside to examine the open backyard just to be sure. Deciding it was the wind you turned back around to go back inside only to stopped by none other than Okoye.

The General stood in your way blocking the back door entrance with a raised eyebrow. She wasn't in her armor, and her spear was missing from her hand. But you knew none of that mattered she was still dangerous, and it wasn't a fight you could win. Not even you were that good besides she taught you everything you knew.

"How are you here?" You squeaked out the question looking over your shoulder for. The person you knew had to be accompanied with her.

"I think the better question is why am I here, and you should know the answer to know." Okoye said narrowing her eyes at you. "Don't try it y/n."

Of course she knew you were trying to come up with an escape plan. Which meant you wouldn't make it very far.

"She's waiting for you over by the tree" Okoye told you motioning for you to go.

You shook your head folding your hands together. "Okoye please just let me go" You pleaded out of plays.

"I was given orders to do the exact opposite y/n, and even if I wasn't." She paused to soften her facial expression. "I would still do this to fix my past mistakes. I was wrong about you."

You were taken back by her last words not expecting them. "No you were ri-"

Okoye let out a sigh of exasperation reaching out to spin your body around and give you a light push forward. "uhambe mntwana."

You stumbled into the grassy field and looked up to see a figure occupying the swing connected to the tree. You already knew it was Shuri with her back to you. Heart pounding in your chest you covered the distance between the two of you in five seconds.

You wished you had walked slower as you came around into her line of vision. "Princess Shuri" you addressed her nervously.

She lifted her head at the sound of your voice, and a feeling of relief overcame her as she shot out of the swing to hug you. But you retreated backwards denying her.

Shuri frowned "y/n if I have to order Okoye to hold in place so I can hug you I will."

"How did you find me?" You asked ignoring the threat. You knew she wouldn't no matter how frustrated she was with your behavior. It was a boundary she refused to cross.

"Your friend wrote me later telling me you were here making the biggest mistake of your life, and I agree" Shuri revealed.

You threw your head back with a groan, of course Zola was behind this.

'You certainly didn't make things easier no clues not even a goodbye letter" Shuri said offended.

"I figured a goodbye letter would've made things worse. I wanted you to move on."

"Usisidenge" was her sharp reply.

You raised an eyebrow at her. "What?"

"You really are the dummy Aamina says you are if you honestly thought I could just move on from you."

"Well it wasn't too hard to believe after I witnessed your lunch date with Amira. You looked perfectly fine to me" You argued angrily. Turning your head away to hide the hurt evident on your face.

Shuri frowned not knowing what date you were talking about right away. But then it hit her the day she went out with Amira to take her mind off of you, and get her raging emotions under control. You must have saw them after returning from your mission. "How did you find us?"

"Aamina couldn't wait to the rub the news in my face" You whispered a breeze carrying your voice.

Shuri burst into laughter out of nowhere causing you to look at her again. "Is that why you punched her?"

You shrugged your shoulders. "You weren't there to stop me and she was a little too happy about my downfall."

"Well just for the record it wasn't a date Amira was simply trying to help take my mind off you. I wasn't exactly a joy to be around in the lab you know" Shuri told with her laughter dying down.

You didn't know what to say. On one hand you were relieved to know she hadn't moved on you so fast, but showing it would make her think the two of you still had a chance. You were determined to stand your ground on your decision.

"She told an interesting story about you" Shuri went on gaining your full attention.

You rose an eyebrow in suspicion. "And what story would that be?" On the inside you were working yourself into a full blown panic trying to figure out exactly what Amira told her.

"She said she once witnessed you kill a spider with a simple touch, or more so it touched the skin on your neck spooking you." Shuri watched you carefully for your reaction, and even though you tried to hide it. She noticed how the muscles started to tense up.

You swallowed hard thinking about all your options. You could deny but what was the point? Had Ayo or Okoye told her about what you did on the mission yet? In the end you decided to test her knowledge.

"So you know about me? You asked nervously

Shuri gave you a tiny nod settling down back into the swing. "I do."

"Then why are you here?" You asked in confusion.

She let out a dry chuckle throwing her head back. How dense could you be? "I'm here because I love you, and nothing or no one will ever change that y/n."

"But my powers what I can do" You insisted holding your hands up. "Does it not make you see me differently?"

"I mean your ability does interest me from a scientific standpoint, but other than that no you're still my y/n. The one I grew up with who protected me from the monsters under the bed. The one who use to help me prank my brother all the time, and would even take the fall for me when I screwed up. The one who carries me to bed whenever I fall asleep. The one who had my heart from the start." Shuri was on her feet now with each word bringing her a step closer to you, and this time you stayed put.

She took that as a good sign resting her hands on your hip. "The one who I know is still in love with me."

"I lied when I said I didn't belong to you I always have and always will" You replied in a low voice.

"If that's true then come back home let me help you, so we can be together for Bast's sake." She pleaded bringing her hand up to graze your cheek.

It was a ghost of a touch but your body was lit up with fire from the physical contact. You wanted more to lean into her hand to kiss her, but it still wasn't a risk you were willing to take. "You can't Shuri don't you think I've already tried."

"Yintoni ngubani" she demanded to know in a mixture of anger and disbelief.

"The American scientist they call Bruce Banner, or you may know him as the Hulk. When he came to Wakanda for during Thanos's invasion I pulled him to the side, and asked him if there was anything he could do for me. Before we were dusted I gave him a blood sample, and apparently he looked into developing a cure for me. In our five-year absence but he couldn't find one" You explained.

If there was anyone in the world who knew your pain it was Bruce Banner. You heard of his story after the incident in Johannesburg, and while most people hated him for what he did. You sympathized with the both the scientist and the giant green guy.

You was expecting Shuri to take a step back and admit defeat instead she flicked your forehead hard. The sharp sting had you flinching back, and rubbing the sore spot.

"Ow what was that for?" You exclaimed with a frown.

"Isidenge" she muttered under her breath.

"Hey stop insulting me" You complained now full on pouting.

"You dare trust an American scientist's judgement over mine. You seek out the Hulk's help but not mine. How does that make any sense y/n"

"I didn't want you to know Shuri I was scared it would change things between us. I love you to you know I have since we were younger, and I didn't want you to fear me, or to jeopardize what we have."

Shuri shook her head still regarding you with a look of disappointment. Her hand took your chin in a firm grip forcing you to return your gaze. "You're not a monster its not like you use your power to harm people, and when you do its in self-defense. If you want to get rid of it I promise I won't researching till I find the answer."

Out of nowhere her arm snaked around your waist bringing your body closer to hers. You placed both of your gloved hands on her shoulder, and dug your feet into the ground. "Shuri what are you doing?" You asked alarmed.

"I'm going to kiss you" she stated.

"No we can't" You refused.

"I trust you" and with those words Shuri leaned forward connecting her lips to yours, and your eyes went wide with fear as you focused on not letting your power loose. But the feeling of her soft lips pressed to your own made you want to give in. This moment was something you dreamed about on a regular basis. You didn't think the day would ever come where it was reality.

The Princess pulled away with a frown, and you let out a whine. "you can do this y/n." This time when her lips met yours you were ready kissing her back with a careful approach. Your hands moved to cup her face as she deepened the kiss with ferocity. Your body sinked into her own, and she brought her other arm down to your waist encircling you in her arms.

Your lips moved against her in a slow and passionate kiss, both of you savoring this moment. Taking the time to learn what the other tasted like. It was heaven for both of you, and neither of you came up for air until two minutes later.

Shuri pecked your cheek over and over again with an adoring smile. "Come home?"

"I guess I can after all who I am to defy the Princess" You replied with a smile.

Shuri chuckled pulling you into her arms with no intention of letting you go anytime soon.

Translations:

Uhambe Mntwana- Off you go child

Usisidenge- Stupid

Yintoni Ngubani- What who

Isidenge- Idiot

Tag List: @jejutwist @alistair-mooncrest @ilacknames @unsatisfiedanddisappointed @letitias-fav @bananafishok @justariellove @laurensmabel1 @greek-freak101 @bubshri @ajawasblog @deliciousfestsalad @rhayanm @zhanylai @izzyorzua24 @mocha-aya @lizlil @shinsousliya @angelsmist @newctrll @6-noir @snowtrova @ogbells16 @mbakuetshurisprincess @foamygrapesoda @tchhairbandhere @ohcoolcoolcool @jerullium @hotgirlslovepink @thefakesmilingsunshine @minionslikeppl @kjonamission

#mcu imagine #marvel imagine #shuri x reader #shuri imagine #shuri fluff #black panther imagine

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lucienarcheron · 10 months

Text

Till the Darkness Dies [ Nessian ]

Prompt: Nesta’s battle against her inner demons. Inspired by this post. This was supposed to be humorous and ended up with lots of feels instead. | Originally posted on 10.23.2017.

Pairing: Nesta x Cassian (Nessian) Genre: Angst and fluff Rating: SFW Recommended Listen: OneRepublic’s Let’s Hurt Tonight & Something I Need Author’s note: I identify with Nesta in many ways and I just love reading about her coming to terms with the way she feels about things so here’s my spin on it. This was obviously pre-ACOSF and looking back now, I love seeing how I pictured this happening vs how it played out in canon!

Nesta clenched and unclenched her fists several times as she stood in the archway of the dining room in the House of Wind. A while had gone by since the end of the war and yet...she was still having a difficult time adjusting.

She had planned to ask Feyre for a place today but everyone else was there. Everyone was constantly there after the war; the panic of them on the brink of death had them always together. But Nesta...she hated the way she still didn’t feel like she fit in with them.

More significantly, she hated that he would be there and they had yet to discuss that moment in the battle and all the aftermath of it.

She didn’t want to deal with it today. She just wanted some peace.

Sighing, Nesta stepped into the dining room.

“Hello.” she greeted and everyone down the table expressed their greeting in return. Elain and Lucien seated next to each other and because of Elain’s flushed cheeks and wide smile that matched Lucien’s, she didn’t narrow her eyes at the sight. Azriel nodded and Mor gave her a small smile then resumed their conversation. Amren gave her a wink and Rhys a dip of his head.

Feyre patted the seat next to her and Nesta moved. She didn’t see if he had greeted her and told herself that she didn’t care if he did or not. She didn't want to look at him and yet — Nesta's eyes betrayed her as she took her seat and found that he was staring at her.

She flushed and quickly lowered her eyes to her plate, hating that he could see how she felt and the look he had given her.

Confusion. Longing.

He had no right to look at her that way.

Nesta gripped the fork and swallowed. She really didn’t want to be angry today. She was tired of being angry. All she wanted was a peaceful evening with the group. For once.

“You look nice, Nesta. The color suits you.”

Feyre’s voice shook her out of her thoughts and she flushed again, looking at her younger sister who was smiling at her.

“Oh. Thank you.” Nesta answered quietly, aware that his eyes were still on her. So, Nesta turned to look her sister over. “You look nice as well...you always do.”

Feyre’s smile widened and she reached out to Nesta’s free hand and squeezed. “Thanks, Nes.” she replied and Nesta gave her a small smile. “But I have to say, out of us sisters, you bring out something special in everything that you wear.”

Nesta chuckled. “Is this High Lady sweet talk?”

“Maybe.” Feyre said with a laugh. “I mean it though!”

“Guess Rhys really has influenced you in every way.”

“Oh no, sister in law,” Rhysand interrupted, leaning close enough to nudge Feyre with his shoulder. “Your sister’s mouth was always wicked. You should hear the things she says behind closed doors.”

“I most definitely don’t want to hear about that.” Nesta replied with a snort as Feyre shoved Rhys with a huff, causing him to laugh.

Conversation resumed around the table as the food was served but Nesta’s eyes turned back to the High Lord and Lady and her gaze softened. They have been through hell and back and Feyre — it hit Nesta again how young Feyre had been when everything had happened...her youngest sister deserved all the happiness in the world. She deserved a love like this and the life she dreamed of.

Nesta took a small bite from her meal as her eyes drifted to her other sister and her mate. It had taken Elain a bit to adjust to Lucien in her life but he had been patient and kind in every way. Nesta would always give him credit for that despite her reservations. The two were wrapped up in each other, deep in conversation and though Nesta had been very wary of him, she couldn’t deny how well they matched. How well they got along. Elain had been looking for the sun and found it in Lucien. This, of course, didn’t stop Nesta from calling him names but she was nicer to him — for Elain’s sake.

She let her eyes fall back to her plate and held back a sigh. Her sisters were well adjusted and moving forward with themselves. But she? She didn’t fit any mold. She couldn’t adjust.

Her fingers tightened around the fork again and she knew why she couldn’t adjust. The reason was sitting at this table.

The powers that the Cauldron had given her had stopped bothering her. She was able to take baths without trouble now and she was getting used to her body, happy with it. Nesta had fallen in love with Velaris and had even started volunteering at the library because she loved it so much but connecting with others? That had been more difficult.

After everything had settled down postwar, Nesta had pulled both her sisters in a room and the three finally talked. About everything. They had let it all out. It had resulted in yelling and a lot of tears but when the three of them lay in bed together that night, a reminder of the one other time they had, a large weight had been lifted off each of their shoulders, especially Nesta’s. It had been a chance for her to start over with the others. And she had.

Rhysand was easier to talk to then she had previously expected. Azriel’s presence was more comforting. Mor’s personality bright and warm though a little awkwardness still remained. Amren was still her favorite just because she put up with everyone just about as much as Nesta did. She and Lucien had even found common ground.

But him.

Him.

He was a problem.

Nesta’s gut tightened and she placed her fork back on the table. It was getting harder and harder to be around him. They hadn’t talked. If anything, they danced around each other; sometimes he avoided her and sometimes she avoided him

She found herself torn in two directions with him. One that shouted Why should I care? He means nothing to me. While the other shouted back, He does matter to you. You were going to die with him. He means more to you than you think.

Nesta shook her and picked up her fork again. She’d try to act normal. At least until she figured out when she could find a place to hide away in for a while.

“Nesta, you alright?”

Nesta turned to look at Feyre, who was giving her a concerned look and Nesta gave her another small smile.

“I’m okay. Just thinking.” she replied. “But I want to ask you something when you have a minute.”

“Of course.”

Once dinner had finally ended and Nesta and Cassian tiptoed around each other to the point of pain, she was practically begging Feyre to move away from the group.

“I...want out for a bit.”

Feyre blinked at her statement. “Alright. What...did you have in mind?”

Nesta bit her lip then held out her hands with a shrug. “I don’t know. Somewhere where I can just think.” she said, her tone clipped. “Somewhere where I can just…”

Not feel so lonely.

Not have to see him.

“I just...is there a place? To...gather myself?” Nesta finished quietly and Feyre gave her a soft smile.

“I know just the place.”

Nesta stepped into the cabin and her gaze was drawn right to the eyes painted above her. She swallowed when they reached the hazel ones she knew were meant to be his.

She turned back to Feyre who watched her quietly. “What is this place?”

Feyre chuckled then took a seat on the couch. “This cabin has been a refuge for us all at some point.” she said, smiling fondly as she glanced around at all the paintings she had done. “It’s a place to be ourselves.”

Nesta nodded then pointed to the eyes painted above the archway. “I’m assuming this is your work.”

“Yes.” she replied and stood up, walking over to her sister. “I came here the day I found out that Rhys was my mate. He knew. Mor and Amren knew but he hadn’t told me and I...freaked out.”

Nesta’s eyes shifted from the hazel ones on the wall to her sister, who was running a hand through her hair.

“I was here for some time, figuring myself out before he came and we talked.” Feyre continued. “Then I accepted the bond and...here we are.”

Nesta’s lip twitched. “I’m assuming every surface here has been violated by you and Rhys?”

Feyre gave her sister a look and then rolled her eyes. “While you’re here, this place is spelled to provide you with all your needs. All you have to do is think it.”

“Anything?” Nesta asked with a raised brow.

“I believe so.” Feyre replied with a identical brow raise.

Nesta’s lips twitched again as she thought about how much she just absolutely needed a box of chocolates at this very moment. Her eyes widened in delight as a box materialized on the table and Feyre laughed.

“You know, I hadn’t thought of chocolate.”

Nesta just shook her head and smiled. “Chocolate, sister, is always a priority.”

“I’ll check on you after three days?” Feyre asked with a smile and Nesta shook her head.

“Seven.”

“A week? You sure?”

“Positive...Thank you, Feyre.”

Feyre only gave her a smile then walked over to Nesta and gave her a tight hug that she gently returned, squeezing her little sister. “If you need me before, the cabin will provide you with a paper and pen that’ll send me a message. Enjoy.”

Nesta turned to look over the cabin again as the door closed and Feyre left. Her eyes fell back on the hazel ones painted above and she let out a sigh.

Maybe she should’ve talked to him sooner. But now there was too much time between them. Maybe the distance would be a good thing.

No matter. She thought to herself as she explored, box of chocolates in her hand. I’ve come to just enjoy myself. I won’t think about him.

The first two days, that mindset worked. She spent it dipped in a glorious bubble bath with water that stayed warm, reading. She read in the tub, she read in the bed, she read in front of the fire. She had sat in different flowy and soft dresses with her hair hanging loosely down her back for the first time in years.

By the third day, it got a little trickier. Her eyes kept flickering back to his hazel ones on the wall and she huffed, annoyed. She didn’t want to think of him. It had been too long since she’d had peace and quiet to herself where she can just enjoy her time. She read her books, watched the snow fall through the window with her cups of hot cocoa and chocolate then soaked in the bath some more. She wondered if he thought of her.

Nesta’s face flushed, thinking of him while lying in a bath. Naked. She wondered if he had ever thought of her that way.

He’s a pig. Of course he has. She thought to herself. Then said it out loud since no one could hear her. This caused her to scowl. He wasn’t a pig but he was a male. And she was beautiful.

“Why am I even having this argument with myself?” she muttered, later that day as she wrapped a blanket around herself, trying to sleep. “I don’t need him.”

“I need wine.”

Sure enough, a soft thud on the table told her her needs had been met on the fourth day of her retreat and she grinned in delight.

“Thank you, oh wondrous cabin.”

Grabbing the bottle, she padded to the couch by the window and sat, curling her legs underneath her. She had opted for just the leggings and a sweater instead of her usual dresses and Nesta felt absolutely scandalous. Popping the cork, she took a swing straight from the bottle and held it in front of her.

“You have indeed unleashed yourself, Nesta.” she spoke aloud to herself after she drained half the bottle. “Leggings...wine straight from the bottle...boxes and boxes of chocolate...and hair not once in a braid. You uncivilized swine.”

Then she burst into giggles. Oh she was enjoying herself. And not once, had she thought of him.

She scowled as her eyes instantly went to his hazel ones painted above.

“Well now I’m thinking of you, you stupid brute.”

Nesta downed the rest of the bottle and then stood up as another appeared on the table.

“You stupid, dumb, handsome bat.” she hissed, pointing a finger at his hazel eyes before grabbing the second bottle and popping it open. “I let you kiss me. I saved your life! I was going to die for you!”

She took another swing and shuddered gently. “I was going to die for you and you couldn’t even talk to me afterwards.” she whispered.

Nesta spent the rest of that day, wrapped in the bed, wine and chocolate in hand. Thinking about all the ways the two of them had failed each other.

The morning of the fifth day, Nesta woke slowly. She washed her face, her mouth, and ran her fingers through her loose hair. Maybe she would wear it down more often. It looked so nice.

She made herself some breakfast and as she sat down to eat, her eyes once again flickering to his hazel ones.

“I don’t hate you.” she said, after she had swallowed her first bite. “I just wish we didn’t have to be so awkward. I wish we could talk things through without feeling like I’m doing to die.”

That day was spent between the pages of a book, with more chocolate and wine but Nesta was distracted, her thoughts from the previous night haunting her.

Maybe she did need him. A lot more than she would want to admit.

She was terrified. When had he grown to be this important to her? When?

One moment they were going to throttle each other and the next, they were going to walk through death together.

Nesta wanted to be wrapped in his arms and never let go but she also wanted to punch him in the face. She wanted to talk to him but what if he didn’t want to talk to her?

She thought of the look he had given her a few days ago at dinner. What did that mean if he didn’t follow up with action?

Why was he longing for her when he couldn’t even speak to her?

Nesta had tried. But he always ran off.

To Mor. To Azriel. To Rhys. To Feyre.

Which was fine. They were his friends and family, after all.

But he never came to her.

And why did it bother her so much?

“Because I love him and I hate that he might not love me back.” she whispered into the night, curled on her side in a ball, blinking back tears that were threatening to escape.

She was used to feeling unwanted and disliked. What if it was just that one thing driving him? Like it drives all males? Like Thomas.

Nesta sniffled then rolled her eyes at her own thoughts. Cassian was nothing like that heaping pile of trash. Cassian was ten times the man that Thomas could ever hope to be.

And yet. Doubt drowned her. Why? Why would he be attracted to her? She wasn’t the most likable person and Nesta was fine with that. So why was he attracted to her? Was it because they were meant to be more and that was it?

She fell asleep, her dreams bringing out all the things she didn’t dare voice aloud to anyone, especially herself.

Cassian was the biggest need of all.

She jolted awake at the loud thud that came from the front door. Quickly, she washed her face and mouth and smoothed her hair as she cautiously approached the door.

Had Feyre come early?

Slowly, she opened the door, half hiding behind it and her eyes widened as she took in Cassian, standing in front of her, a confused look on his face.

The walls she had let down the past few days came rising back up instantly and Nesta narrowed her eyes at him. “What are you doing here?”

“I...don’t know.” he answered, scratching his head. “One minute I’m eating breakfast in the townhouse and the next I’m here.”

Nesta stared him down. She could invite him in and they could talk...but she could also invite him in and then he wouldn’t talk and it’ll make everything worse and then —

Fear won and Nesta snarled at him, “Well, go away! I don’t want you here!”

He glared at her then spat, “Fine.” Launching himself into the sky and far, far away from her.

She shut the door and stood against it, breathing in and out.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid.” she mumbled and paced around for a few minutes. That had been so stupid of her. Why hadn’t she just let him in? They needed to talk. Cassian wasn’t a bad person. He wouldn’t try to hurt her on purpose.

“But your feelings have been hurt by him multiple times.” she said, convincing herself and then paused. “But you also hurt his feelings.”

She groaned then let out a growl of frustration. “You hurt everyone’s feelings, Nesta!”

“Nes?”

Her head whipped towards the door and the muffled voice that called her name.

He was back.

Why?

Slowly, she went to the door again and opened it slightly. “What?” she asked quietly and Cassian crossed his arms, giving her a smirk.

“You do know this house is spelled to provide you with whatever you need, right?”

Nesta narrowed her eyes, cheeks flushing, catching onto what he meant. “Yes. What I need is peace and quiet. You will provide me with neither. So go away.”

The two stared at each other for a few minutes before Cassian sighed.

“I can’t.” he said softly. “We need to talk.”

“Do we now?” she snarled softly. “What changed your mind?”

He rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t be here unless you needed me. And I’ve been looking for some way for us to talk for weeks. I need you too...Can I come in? Please?”

She stared at him and bit her lip. A few minutes ago she was yelling about pushing him away...maybe this time…

“Fine.”

Nesta moved away from the door and Cassian let himself in, surveying the room and Nesta felt how his eyes fell on her — her leggings — the hair —

“Shit, Nes.”

Her cheeks flushed again and she self-consciously started braiding her hair again but he gently reached out to stop her. “I — I didn’t have time to change...I just woke up.” she said lamely but he continued to stare.

“I...You look beautiful in everything but…,” he started, taking in the lower half of her body that was usually hidden by her dresses. “I love the casual on you.”

She scowled, more at herself for enjoying the compliment than at him for giving her one. “Thank you.” she said stiffly.

The two stood awkwardly staring at each other and Nesta willed herself not to huff as his hand fell from hers.

“So…” Cassian said, lightly tapping his fist to his side as he scanned the room and she flushed as his eyes fell towards the many wine bottles and boxes of chocolate she had stacked in a neat pile of trash.

“So.”

“Did you have breakfast yet?” he asked, the corner of his mouth lifting at her clipped tone.

“No.”

“Good. I’ll make us some since someone interrupted my breakfast.” he said with a grin and moved past her. She instantly curled her fists and glared at him.

“That wasn’t my fault. This stupid cabin doesn’t know what I meant.”

Cassian turned to look at her from his spot behind the counter with a raised brow. “And what exactly did you mean, sweetheart?”

Her glare remained as she took a seat, watching him move about as if he did this every day.

“You know how to cook?”

Cassian looked over his shoulder and chuckled. “Yes. I enjoy it.” he replied. “Answer my question.”

Nesta pursed her lips. “I was just thinking about everyone else eating breakfast. I didn’t expect anyone to actually come here.”

Cassian grinned and Nesta couldn’t decide if she wanted to kiss his mouth or punch it.

“Now, now, Nesta. You don’t have to lie. It’s okay to say you missed me and wanted my company.”

She snorted and her anger flared up. “We’ve ignored each other completely for the past few weeks. Why would I miss you?”

This made Cassian pause and she watched his expression fall before turning back to his kitchen duty.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Nesta’s anger died down at those words and she watched him, biting her lip. This was why she should stay away. She didn’t really know how to be nice. Or how to be soft. She wouldn’t even know how to try and be that for him if she wanted to. If he wanted her to.

Cassian turned and his eyes met hers, taking in her expression and Nesta quickly looked away. She didn’t want him to know how badly she was battling herself. But it was like he knew. He always knew.

“You know, I learned how to cook from Rhys’s mom.” he said into the silence that followed his previous statement and Nesta looked up at him as he shuffled around the small kitchen. “She taught me all the basic things. As a bastard little nobody, you took every learning opportunity you could get. Never know when it’ll benefit you.”

He gave her a half smile at that and Nesta bit back her own.

“When I got older and had my own place, I took it upon myself to learn how to cook as many things as I could.” He continued and she watched him. “It became a way for me to relax. I’ve had a lot of fun with it.”

And because she scared he would see how endearing she found him in this moment, she cleared her throat and said, “Are you actually any good?”

He laughed softly then turned to give her a wink. “I guess we’ll find out in a little bit, won’t we?”

She glared at him again until he turned back around then Nesta let her eyes soften, drinking in his every movement.

I could get used to this.

No you can’t, Nesta. Shut up.

But he knows how to cook...and he looks so good doing it.

So? You can’t even talk to him properly.

We don’t have to talk. We can just be.

That’s stupid, Nesta. Get it together. He’s been here for two minutes.

But he’s so handsome. And he’s actually kind.

He’s stupid.

No he’s not.

Shut up, please.

You like him.

Shut up.

You love him.

Shut. Up. Nesta.

“You don’t need to tell yourself to shut up, Nes. I could do that for you.”

Nesta’s cheeks burned as she realized the last part of her inner monologue had been blurted out.

“Shut your fat mouth.” she hissed at him and he just gave her his shit-eating grin as he started to set the table.

“Was that directed towards you or me this time?”

“You, you annoying bat.” she snapped and he had the audacity to chuckle.

Cassian rolled his eyes as he paused and leaned against the table. “Tell me, Nesta, have you been talking to yourself the whole time you’ve been here? That’s not a good sign.”

It was Nesta’s turn to roll her eyes. “Mind your business.”

“That’s what happens when your diet consists of wine and chocolate. You start to lose it.”

“Shut. Up.”

“Don’t worry, Cassian is here to give you the good stuff.”

“Nothing good comes from you.”

“Can’t decide that till you’ve actually tried it, Nes.”

“Don’t make me throw something at you.”

“I’ll even let you decide which good stuff you want first, my body or the food.”

She snorted and glared at him yet again, as he laughed.

“Am I starting to annoy you, Nesta? You know you’re being really mean to me. I’m being a good person and making you breakfast but you’re not being nice.”

“I’m not nice.”

“Yes, you are.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I know you more than you think.”

Nesta scoffed. “You know nothing.”

Cassian pursed his lips then turned from her, settling the food on two plates and it was then, with his back to her that she let herself frown.

She was so fucken scared. Nesta was so scared to be nice for one moment and the worst to come from it. She was awful to him. Awful to everyone. Why would he stay? What could he possibly want?

She blinked when a plate full of delicious looking food was placed in front of her and Nesta almost groaned in delight at the smell.

“Thank you.” she said quietly, her eyes on the plate. She heard Cassian’s chair shuffle and then him as he settled himself, his eyes glued on her.

“You’re welcome.”

A silence fell between them again, neither one of them touching their plates.

What would she say? She had thought about all the things she would or could say to him the past few days and yet, here he was in front of her and all the words had abandoned her.

“Nesta, look at me.”

She bit her lip and blinked rapidly. It was so damn hard to resist him, especially when he spoke to her like that. Softly, tenderly, with such care.

“Why?” she whispered to him, meeting his gaze. “Why are you here? Why do you care?”

“Because I love you.”

He said it so simply. As if it wouldn’t tear her in two. As if they were the easiest words to fall off his lips.

“Why?” she managed to choke out and he gave her a small smile.

“Because you drive me crazy.” he replied, again, simply. As if he was just stating the obvious truth.

Nesta felt the tears building up in her eyes but she refused to let them fall.

“You just like the challenge.” she said, her tone tight. “The chase.”

“Yes, that’s true. I do like those.” he said with a nod and she shot him an incredulous look.

“So that’s what it is? A game?” she hissed, hating herself that her walls were so thin her bottom lip was trembling, even as her hands curled into fists on the table. “A game to see if you could win over the ice queen? The bitchy, vicious Nesta?”

His hand quickly crossed the table to grip hers but she pulled back, shooting up from her seat as though she’d been burned.

“I — I — we were going to die together!” she snarled, her eyes wild. “I wanted to sacrifice myself for you and you — you — all this is just because you want what doesn’t want you!”

“That’s not true.” he growled at her, shooting up from his own seat and making his way to her. “I wasn’t finished.”

“I don’t care!”

“But I do!” and his snarl shook the mountains around them and rendered her silent as she watched him. Nesta watched as he glanced at her with pain and panic in his eyes, his hands running through his hair, eyes darting all over the room as if trying to find a place to settle.

“I love you. I love you to the point — I have a hard time breathing when I’m away from you, Nesta.” he said quietly. “I love that you challenge me. You keep me on my toes. You’re smart, beautiful, and powerful. You’re blunt and honest. You don’t take shit from anyone and I love that about you.”

He ran a hand through his hair again and met her eyes this time.

“I see you. All of you. I see how this scares you. The idea of us.” he continued and shuddered. “I know you felt something between us the moment we met. When you were still human. I couldn’t stay away from you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“Why?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. “I was awful.”

“No, you weren’t.” he replied, moving closer to her. “You love fiercely and that makes you a force to be reckoned with. You feel everything so much to the point that you think it’s too much and then deny anyone else from seeing you feel those things. But I see you, Nesta. I see it all. And I want you to share that with me. Let me in, Nesta.”

Nesta glanced at him and let the words he was saying sink in. She hadn’t realized tears had started streaming down her face till then and she furiously wiped them away.

“But you stopped talking to me.” she whispered, looking at him angrily through her tears. “I — I wanted this. I wanted you! But you...you made it clear you didn’t want me.”

He shook his head and moved even closer to her, till his hands came up to cup her face. “No...I was scared and embarrassed. I thought you would be better off without me.”

She scoffed and pulled away, wiping the fresh tears on her face. “Why would you think that?”

“I failed you. Multiple times. I failed you.” he whispered and Nesta saw the haunted look in his face. “Every promise I made you, I broke it. I couldn’t save you, I couldn’t protect you. What would you want with me?”

“I want everything with you, you stupid brute!” she snarled. “You’re my mate!”

Cassian froze and Nesta took that time to try and control her heavy breathing.

“You know?” he asked hoarsely.

“Of course.” she spat. “The moment right before the meeting with the High Lords. You felt it too. I know you did.”

“I...wasn’t sure you had. I didn’t want to pressure you.”

“You idiot.” she snapped and started punching every bit of him she could find. “That’s — when — everything — changed! We became more!”

Cassian took her punches like a champ; felt like nothing to him. He glanced at her in her fury then quickly grabbed her hands, halting her attack.

They locked eyes, the intensity between them hot enough, it could’ve melted the snow surrounding them. And for all her wrath, for all her anger and spite — it all died down when he looked at her that way.

Softly, tenderly, so full of love.

“I’m sorry.” he said again. “I’m sorry that I was a misguided coward, choosing to think that staying away from you would be easier for us both.”

She froze and he continued.

“I’m sorry that I let you think for one moment, that I wasn’t deeply and hopelessly in love with you. Because I am.” he said. “I see all of you. All your rage and all your love. I see your heart, Nesta. And I want it all. I love you and would be honored to be your mate till the darkness dies. If you’ll have me.”

Nesta stared at him and felt her whole body trembling, her composure crumbling. She shook her head.

“I...I — ” she took a deep breath and looked at him. “I’m sorry that I was a coward too...and I’m sorry for all the awful things I said. I — I don’t know how to do this. I want it all. I want it with you. But I’m scared — I’m terrified — I —”

Cassian cut her off, taking both her hands in his again, his wings fluttering behind him. “I’m scared too. But we’ll figure it out together.” he said so softly and silver lined her eyes again.

It took her a moment to speak and when she did, her voice was barely a whisper.

“Will you be patient with me?” she asked, sniffling. “You won’t...leave?”

Cassian smiled at her tenderly, curling a hair behind her ear. He leaned down and kissed away at her tears, causing Nesta to shudder.

“We’ll go as slow as you need, love.” he said gently. “I’m here with you, Nesta. I want it all. They could drag my body away in pieces and I’d still try to find my way back to you.”

Nesta pulled back and looked Cassian over. This was real. He was here. He was her mate. And he wanted to stay. Her eyes drank him in and he watched her with a small smile on his face.

“I love you.” she said quietly and she felt him melt in her hands.

Cassian wrapped his arms around her waist, hugging her close to him and before she knew it, his lips were on hers. Their kiss was everything she had wanted and dreamed about since the moment his lips were on her neck all that time ago. Her fingers fisted around the front of his tunic and gripped, not wanting to let him go as she deepened the kiss. One of Cassian’s hands came up to the back of her neck as he dipped her back lightly, their kiss becoming all tongue and light bites and Nesta fought back a moan.

When Cassian’s lips moved to her neck, goosebumps erupted on her body and a soft whimper escaped her lips.

“Cassian.” she whispered and slowly — very slowly, Cassian came to a stop and pulled her back upright, their hands still firmly wrapped around each other.

He gave her a smirk. “Guess you picked which good stuff you wanted to try first, huh Nes?”

She narrowed her eyes at him causing his smirk to turn into a grin. “Don’t make me smack you senseless, you intolerable bat.”

“You’ve already knocked me off my feet, oh mighty Nesta. Go for it.” he challenged and a small smile found its way to her lips. Nesta stared at him again and he gave her a sweet smile in return.

Leaning up, she cupped his face gently then placed a soft kiss on his lips, then another, and then another.

“Till the darkness dies?” she repeated to him and he leaned down to give her a tender kiss.

“Till the darkness dies, sweetheart.”

#nessian #nessian fanfic #nesta archeron #cassian #acotar fanfiction #gfics #fic: till the darkness dies

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canonicallyobserving911 · 11 months

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Buck & Eddie: Growth S5 vs. S6

Since 6x15 “Death and Taxes”, I’ve been trying to figure out why Buck’s growth in season 6 felt like it was unfinished but then I finally realized why it felt different when I compared it with Eddie’s growth from season 5.

Eddie’s growth started in season 5, it appeared to be linear and it continued through the beginning of season 6. He was happier after he clawed his way back from the depths of a mental breakdown.

Shooting➡️Panic attacks (x3)➡️Breakup➡️Panic attack #4➡️Chris’ nightmare and his comment about Eddie possibly dying➡️Quitting the 118➡️Made to feel like an outcast at dispatch ➡️ Isolation ➡️Yelled at Bobby ➡️Therapy➡️Mental Breakdown➡️Buck asks what he was afraid of and he admitted he was afraid he was never going to feel normal again➡️ Return to therapy➡️Waited for a sign to return to the 118 and Linda told him God has spoken ➡️ Worked on being better for himself➡️Reconciliation with Ramon➡️Return to the 118 ➡️Happier Eddie at the beginning of season 6

His path to being better for himself is easily identifiable.

Buck’s growth was choppy and the audience NEVER saw how he progressed from one stage to the next so there’s no clear way to illustrate his progress unless question marks are included.

Wanted to be interim captain ❓Wants to be happy❓Read self-help books ❓Asked to be a sperm donor and he accepted❓Probably should have had a self-discovery journey to ask himself if he should have done this while considering his whole “defective parts” comment from season 4 but...❓He only talked to Hen about it❓He donated and stopped at nothing to do it❓He’s told there’s a baby on the way ➡️He tells his parents he’s a donor ➡️He gets struck by lightning and dies but he didn’t deal with it and he didn’t learn anything about himself in his coma dream especially since Bobby told him to STOP being concerned with the way people see him ❓He become distraught and searched for answers ❓Tried to process his death ❓Special math skills acquired and he was happy ➡️ Special skills disappeared and he was back to square one❓Met the death doula and she asked him out to discuss his death and she thought it was cool that he died❓He tells Eddie, “she sees me”❓Eddie asks what changed in him ➡️ He admitted he was different and pretending for everyone else’s sake❓He contacted the doula for a date and they went out but they kept getting interrupted ❓She left after learning he has a full life❓Kameron stayed in his loft which made him responsible for someone else’s wife❓The 118 was involved in a bridge collapse, he handled the rescue and exhibited some leadership qualities but nothing came of it❓He delivered Kameron’s and Connor’s baby and after a brief look at him with watery eyes, he let go and gave the baby to them ➡️ The doula says she likes him and he likes her too but they don’t know each other❓He assumes this new relationship (for the fourth time) is going to fix him and they decide to buy a couch together

Ok... so clearly there are differences between their growth but the biggest difference is Eddie’s growth appeared to be linear while Buck’s just wasn’t. It was all over the place and the number of storylines he had going at one time didn’t help. The audience didn’t see how Buck got from point A to point B but viewers were able to clearly see Eddie’s progress.

Hopefully season 7 will be better because these choppy storylines with no resolution was a HUGE PROBLEM for a lot of the mains in season 6.

#buddie #eddie diaz #evan buckley #911onfox #911 fox #911 on fox #911 abc #911 meta #911 on abc #911 s6 #911 season 6 #911 season 6 speculation #911

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mojoflower · 2 years

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MDZS Prosopagnosia (face blindness) AU

I want an AU of MDZS except Wei Wuxian is face blind. I just feel like that would change so much, adding both comedy and terror to the story overall.

Innocent Youth

Jiang Cheng unwittingly cultivated his shouty persona from a very young age, because he subconsciously realized that his shixiong was more comfortable with him when he stood out from the crowd in this way. Similarly, in the post-resurrection days, jc always lets Zidian spark purple in a very obvious and prolonged way, so wwx doesn't have to linger uncomfortably in an awkward is-he-or-isn't-he-my-brother zone.

Jiang Yanli slowed herself down as a child, becoming very calm and quiet and slow-moving, because that's when her shidi is the most relaxed. She quickly learned the look on his face, when he's trying to figure out who someone is without giving away his weakness... when he's desperately waiting for someone else to use a name, to give him a toe-hold. She always greets everyone by name: just for wwx. She also often announces herself in the third person: others might find it weird, but her didi is always so grateful.

Wwx actually needs to use Jiang Fengmian's unfortunate teeth as a marker to differentiate him from his son, once Jiang Cheng reached his adult height. (The frog on Sandu's hilt really helps, too.)

A lot of the shidis in the Jiang Sect know about wwx's special issues, and totally riff on him by switching their swords and hair ornaments just to fuck with him. They can't switch their fighting styles, though, so the Jiang quickly become a sect where instant spar-offs happen often and are no big deal.

All the people who love wwx have adjusted for this in many ways, realizing that they either need to verbally identify themselves or adapt distinctive clothing/mannerisms/scents/body language.

Wwx wears clothes that don't match any sect because sect uniforms make everyone so homogeneous that he can't even discern gender, much less individual people. (Uniforms actually give him mental heebie jeebies, because they make his life so hard and uncertain.)

Cloud Recesses Student Arc

Wwx has to ask before he fights whether it's going to be friendly or to the death, since he doesn't always know if the person he's fighting is a friend or foe. Wwx defaults to treating all fights as friendly fights (which is why he never even unsheathed his sword when lwj attacked him that first night in Cloud Recesses) because he can't stand the thought of hurting a friend, or just someone innocent.

Lan Wangji is very still. Very still, very quiet, very tall and always wears white and smells of sandalwood. He is easy to recognize. ... Except when he could be Lan Xichen. If there's a smile, or any color, then he's Lan Xichen. (This means that wwx immediately knows who kissed him on Phoenix Mountain, because he doesn't use his sight to identify, well, anyone.)

Nie Huaisang becomes a friend because of his choppy, erratic, fast-paced motions, both when he is speaking and moving. Also, he's unusually short so that helps.

He is secretly fond of Lan Qiren because that dreadful and unflattering beard is such a great identifier. He loves Nie Mingjue because he's literally and distinctly larger than everyone else. Later, he will become immediate friends with Sisi, because dramatic facial scarring is the best cue there is for someone like him. (Is anyone fat? He likes fat people. He likes tattooed people. He'd have loved Mo Xuanyu with his Hanging-Ghost-painted face, because, wow, that's so obvious. Xue Yang's missing pinky finger is so helpful.)

Wei Wuxian knows everyone's swords VERY WELL because he can recognize them and use them to identify which asshole in gold with a peony on his chest (for example) this dude might be. This is what he calls "my poor memory". But it actually means that Jin Zixuan looks exactly like Jin Zixun to him, if not for Suihua.

Burial Mound Days

He's got a string of orphans, and calls them all A-Yuan. No, seriously. Word has got out, and all the homeless babies know they can move into the Burial Mounds and get doted on by EVERYONE because no one there is about to correct the Yiling Patriarch.

Dead Wen Ning is easy to pick out because of his stiff gait, awkward stance and distinctive pallor with the black veins. This makes him an automatic wwx favorite. (The stuttering helped, even back when he was alive.) Wen Qing is tiny, and also, no one else is wearing Wen robes, so she becomes a good friend, too.

He actually really likes all fierce corpses, because the way they move is so distinctive that he always knows what he's dealing with.

Can you imagine how fucking terrifying the world must be when you know that all Wen Zhuliu needs to do is put on a different robe and then he can walk right up to you and wreck your core? Same goes for wrh, jgs, jgy, wc, you name it. Talk about hypervigilance.

Think of all the talismans he's invented to keep himself and the Wen Remnants safe because he knows he can't tell friend from foe and has to count on magic to do it.

Post-Resurrection

Lwj picked up on Jiang Yanli’s habit announcing herself by name instead of using “I”, and consequently uses third person for himself, too. The Junior Ducklings do it, too, although they don't understand why, at first.

Wwx cannot, for the life of him, tell lsz and ljy apart if they just stand quietly next to each other. Ljy will never think this is not hilarious. Especially because wwx will offer them chicken to see which one accepts it. (It’s foolproof.)

He is utterly and completely unable to tell the Twin Jades apart unless they're speaking. Lan Wangji has learned to announce himself simply to protect his brother from being leaped upon and kissed at random intervals. The whole sandalwood thing? Lwj marinates himself in it to give wwx a clue about who he is before he's within liplocking distance.

#MDZS #the untamed #wangxian #MDZS au #wei wuxian #prosopagnosia #face blind wei wuxian #face blindness #yiling patriarch #mojo muses #if anyone is inspired to write this #be sure to tag me!#face blindness is a shitty thing to live with #but it sure can be funny sometimes #and there's that element of horror too

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fandomcentralsposts · 1 year

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An actual explanation as to why I think Jonah Beck from Andi Mack is autistic (by an autistic person)

Disclaimer every autistic person is different. This has become a popular hc in the fandom, and I am explaining why, based on my own traits and common signs and symptoms I've noticed in the character.

Hyperfixations:

Lots of autistic people have hobbies or special interests that they take really seriously they like to talk about it with other people even if they don't seem as interested or if its annoying them. Jonah's special interests were ultimate frisbee and guitar he would get so defensive if anyone said ultimate wasn't a sport, and he carried his frisbees with him a lot apparently even after he had stopped playing as much and when he took up guitar, he literally started wearing shirts with guitars on them bro found a new special interest and never looked back (its especially important bc it helps him cope with anxiety).

Social queues (lack of awareness)

Ik Jonah is sometimes comic relief and portrayed as oblivious, but he fr doesn't understand things like flirting like that scene from unloading zone when those girls were flirting with him and he just "Yeah uh... its free 🧍‍♂️😁". He also sometimes doesn't understand when something is really important to someone else, especially if he's concentrated on a special interest (when andi protested her school dress code in s1, for example). Also, just amber saying at some point, "If you want Jonah to not say anything, you have to be very explicit," and the fact that he accidentally got himself and the ghc in trouble in unloading zone.

Anxiety/meltdowns/sensory aversions

ofc anyone can experience anxiety, and it's not a part of the diagnostic criteria, but lots of autistic people experience high levels of anxiety in later life. Jonah canonically has panic attacks and struggles with anxiety, which (in my opinion, anywho) can be taken for a meltdown, but like I said, everyone's different not all meltdowns are out of sadness sometimes they can be angry like when Jonah flipped that board game and said "now its over". I noticed he gets them in uncomfortable social situations that are overwhelming he also said on a few occasions that he doesn't like confrontations, which could be seen as too much sensory input, which causes meltdowns

And he has food aversions from again too much sensory input when at Cyrus' grandmothers shiva he says he couldn't recognise anything on the food table even tho there was literally a bagel in front of him and he ate the fish Cyrus told him not too eat. He also says he's embarrassed of his panic attacks. I'm embarrassed of meltdowns he's so me. Also, this whole discourse of people saying Jonah doesn't have feelings he does he just struggles expressing or processing them.

Face blindness/masking

Many autistic teens and children have face blindness or facial-agnosia, meaning they don't always recognise faces they've already seen or just identify people in different ways Jonah's little line in s1 "some people never forget a face, I never forget a foot" was enough proof for me. Also, masking is when an autistic person basically hides that they're autistic by suppressing certain behaviours around certain people, and I think Jonah does this a lot in s1 to keep up this mr. popular image when Buffy said he only had 2 facial expressions could be taken as a sign of masking. I noticed it seemed like he didn't have any other friends after s1 accept from the ghc this could be because he felt he didn't have to mask in front of them (as an autistic person masking is exhausting I don't blame him) he definitely feels least judged around Cyrus and Buffy.

Stimming/repetition

Once again, it was likely for comedic purposes, but Jonah sometimes repeats things that have already been said, which is how some autistic people like to communicate whether it be repeating their words or echoing others (echolalia) I noticed Jonah do this in s3 when Buffy's talking about why she rejected Walker and he just says "I feel bad for the guy" like twice and I've noticed subtle stims when he's both nervous and happy Jonah is very expressive with his hands when he talks plus that trampoline park date must of been one fun sensory experience.

In conclusion:

#andi mack #disney channel #jonah beck #autistic jonah beck #autistic characters #autism #actually autistic #cyrus goodman #buffy driscoll #good hair crew #character analysis #panic attack #hyperfixation #endless list of favourite tv shows queue

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lagncx · 6 days

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Children aren't born with hate. Levi x Reader

(Time: before u and Levi were together yup. uh yah this is wolf titan AU SOOO PLZ DONT CALL ME CRINGE >-<)

You limped your way through the gates of the walls you had been beaten up badly your body teared and burned your eyes were still very animalistic. like a hurt puppy your eyes were big, and pupils were uncannily round. You didn't want to ride in the injured wagon seeing the multiple companions of yours and... Eren injured and it felt disrespectful since they couldn't heal as quickly as you could. Though you were in major pain your body was morphing itself into shape. You spit out blood collected in your mouth.

You've proved your loyalty to the people of the walls at least a dozen times, yet they still stared with hate. Levi told you to ignore it after cleaning your nose after suffering a beating a few nights ago from your...people. They stomped you half to death and you couldn't defend yourself or else you'd be a "danger." You held your head low till you guys took a small stop for some people to come and identify the dead. you sighed and looked over seeing a girl and her mother staring at you but with something...different. The mother looked around before pushing her out with a smile looking down at the girl then the girl ran over towards you stopping in front of you to your Suprise. She looked up at you, your eyes looked at Erwin who bowed his head as a signal and you did the same kneeling down and bowing your head hearing the murmurs of disproval and disbelief and... disgust. Your eyed widen feeling the crown the girl gave you the petals of the flowers gracing your forehead you looked up at the girl whose eyes were full of admiration. the flowers were nothing special, but the weaving was tight and meant she dedicated that time to you. "My mother says people are afraid of what they can't understand but I know what you are, you're our hero." Your heart jumped in love and joy as she stared at you her mom carrying her away, she smiled at her new savior. You.

you and Levi finished with horse care. "You see the way she. Looked at me?" Levi looked over at you with a small smile that you couldn't see. "It's like she made you a knight...her noble sword" He hummed wiping his clothes with his hands with a disgusted look. "Everyone here has always looked at me with hate." Levi shook his head and went behind you his hands wiping the hay and hair off your back his hands lingered for a second on some spots your shoulders and his fingers felt down your back you were too into your thoughts to hear his own or notice. Levi wanted to nuzzle into you again like he did when you saved him that night a few weeks ago from his nightmares he woke up and you were gone, and the loneliness came back. he ached to smell your scent again. He sighed and pulled away "Children aren't born with hate. It's something that has to be taught." He rubbed his eyes frustrated he was having these thoughts he felt your hand under his chin tilting his head up. "So...do you...Hate me, Captain?" Levi felt his heart speeding up and he seen your eyes snap to his throat for a second, you asshole...you know that his heart is pumping course you do Dogs Can Smell Fear. "I-...Do." Levi said his breathing small and quiet. Your eyes looked down at him. Levi closed his eyes...was this going to be his first kiss?! he mentally cursed you feeling your breath on his nose. Then his lips. "Please, Levi...don't lie." you whispered pulling away and kissing the corner of his mouth before walking away. Levis eyes opened seeing you walk into the foggy field leaving him there with the sounds of horses and birds behind him his fingers rubbed the corner of his mouth softly as to not get rid of the lingering touch of your lips. His body shook with fear...of the future.

I fed a stray

Ever since then its returned to my door waiting for its treat

it keeps away the evil that surrounds my home

I am scared of the dog disappearing

#writing #fanfiction #x reader #fanfic #x female reader #attack on titan #levi ackerman #levi aot #levi x reader #aot levi

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iamafanofcartoons · 6 months

Text

lnombredelarosa's take on what the main cast thinks of one another

Some of this are pure headcanon, others are supported by interaction but lnombredelarosa feels all of them make sense.

Ruby

Yang

Usually looks for encouragemnt on her but sometimes afraid of dissapointing her

Her words on vol 8 about how things hadn't gone the way they had hoped for from following her still stung Ruby throughout volume 9

Jaune

Her confidant whose presence always lightens her up; more willing to open up to him without fear of his doubting her

His awkwardness did innitially made her cringe, though

Kinda reminds her of her dad and Yang but more on her maturity level

His change in the everafter has made it difficult to connect with him like she usually does

Oscar

Sees herself on him; noting his growth makes her feel like she herself is growing

A part of her was glad he wasn't in the Everafter to see her at her lowest

After the ascension she now feels she can empathize better with Oscar's merger

Weiss

Sometimes difficult to talk with, which in turn makes it more fun to try to talk to her (specially when annoying her)

Unlike everyone else, Ruby sometimes forgets Weiss is older

Recented her for adjusting to the trauma in vol 9 better than she herself did, including her taking a liking of the changed Jaune, feeling Weiss should feel just as miserable about it all as she was feeling

Ren

His presence makes her feel calm as she appreciates his mature outlook at things

Seeing him get emotional in volume 4 disturbed her

Wished he had been there to say something wise to in volume 9

Nora

Always fun to hang out with and fight beside but doesn't feel she can trust her with subtler things

Wished she had been there to lighten up the situation in the Everafter

Blake

Respects her worldly wisdom; takes her advices to heart

In volume 9 she recented her previous encouragement as exemplified by her telling her to "shut up" feeling undeserving of that trust she put in her

Qrow

She's always looked up to him and still does but no longer has an idealized view of him

Second father and mentor

Penny

Identifies with her wanting to form a connection to others, like she herself innitially struggled to do

Often listens to Penny's doubts and tell her she can relate to what she feels but tends to avoid communicating her own doubts feeling it will scare her

When the Paper pleasers died her anger at Jaune over his losing "made believe friends" was her anger at herself over feeling broken from losing her

Weiss

Yang

Has an easier time showing weakness to her than to anyone else

Likes her with Blake because seeing her in a good mood makes her feel more at ease

Projects her sister on her

Jaune

She has come to associate being with him with feeling safe on a personal and physical level

The way he has helped her and shown his character in several key moments has caused this association

His rusted knight self reminded her of her grandfather who caused her a simmilar reaction

She subconsciously remembers his protecting the lil' Weisses in the Icequeendom

Oscar

Often doesn't know how to approach him but when she does tends to be indulgent of him

Projects her brother (or at least how he was on warmer times) on him, which along with other things made her more curious about reaching to Whitely

Headcanon: allowed him to pick the movie when she went with him and Jaune

Ruby

Feels she should set an example for her but often forgets to as she ends up acting more like her

Innitially projected current Whitley (the one who always got everything) on her but has come to project herself instead and feels she should be her Winter

A part of her figured her trying to remain in control in the Everafter would set a good example for Ruby to do the same much like she feels Winter would've done for her

Blake

Looks up to her the most; feels she sets a standard of decency to follow

Wishes she'd had a parent like her

Her adjusting to her being a faunus so fast was to a degree lip service to get rid of a source of conflict but with time it became completely sincere, specially after seeing how affected she was by the White Fang attack

Nora

More Ruby than Ruby herself, which makes her feel even more responsible for her recklesness

Ren

Sense of empathy; the way he tries to maintain his serenity reminds her of the image of strenght she tends to prefer projecting

Blake

Yang

Feels she can rely on her; her strenght of character makes her feel safe while inspiring her to be stronger herself and her gentleness makes her feel her feelings are validated

Freudianly reminds her of her dad but with her mom's easygoing attitude

Jaune

Finds him easy to approach though at times finds his lack of tact annoying

His edgy lookin Rusty Knight self reminded her of Adam back in his better moments

Ruby

Has the most trust in her which is why she tends to be the most supportive of her decisions

This makes sense because she is the most used to following chains of command

In the Everafter, she rationalized if Ruby needed help she would've said as much sooner

Ren

Enjoys his company and how he gives her a break from her more fast paced teammates

Still she occasionally find him dull by comparison

Nora

Admires her determination; doesn't mind her recklessness as much as others

When talking to her about how she felt without Ren, she was thinking of her own relationships with Adam and Yang

Weiss

Taught her that eveyrone has their own story; tries to understand her outlook as a basis on how to understand humans

Figure that is she can change her outlook, then anyone can

"Perhaps she was right about us" she thought as Beacon fell and Yang was crippled

Oscar

Less condescending than most of the others; tends to treat him as an equal

She too started seeing action at an earlier and untried age than the others so she understands his position

Yang

Ruby

Conflicted between seeing her as a leader and seeing her as her little sister; often overdoes one or the other

Came to develop more respect for her leadership after seeing how difficult managing a team was in vol 8

In volume 9 she was putting off helping her deal with her loss because she herself didn't feel confident enough to be of use to her

Jaune

Finds him amusing; often enjoys his antics where others would be cringed at them

Seeing him take lead as her and Ren argued allowed her to gain more respect for him

Liked him for Ruby but wasn't pushy about it

Blake

Her presence calms and guides her; without her around she feels more doubtful

Her closeness with her in volume 9 was a way to cope for her own feelings of failure

Weiss

Feels like she can be blunt with her both because she can take it and because she takes herself too seriously

Much like her dad is with her

Nora

Friendly rivalry; enjoys trying to one up her

Her pulling the arm off when armwrestling was because she was afraid of losing

Ren

Appreciates his common sense and usually gets along with him pretty well but finds him hard to approach when in his moods

His words in volume 8 still stung throughout volume 9 wondering her own capacity to make good decisions

Oscar

Often acts like an encouraging big sister, usually pushing him to be more proactive

Was projecting her former image of Ruby on him when he was kidnapped

Suspects he likes Ruby; doesn't hold it against him but for obvious reasons he wouldn't be her first choice

Oscar

Yang

Often feels like following her lead but gets embarassed when he can't keep up with her

Ruby

Idolizes her; her strenght inspires him to try to be strong on his own

His becoming more and more like Ozpin has in turn made him feel he has to put up a distance between them, being afraid of manipulating her like he feels Ozpin would

Nora

Uncomfortable by her displays of love but down the line he appreciates them

Reminds him of his aunt whom she feels guilty of leaving

Blake

Likes that she doesn't baby him; feels he can act more naturally with her

Jaune

The easy going and fun big brother he never had

Feels he can relax when he is with him

"He must've been a really cool guy back at Beacon" cue everyone else trying not to laugh

Feels slightly jealous of his being seen as an equal by Ruby but doesn't recent him for it

Ren

Appreciates how he tends to be more sensitive to his being scared

Weiss

He feels she tend tends to ignore him and doesn't know how to act around her but is usually glad when she is more willing to talk to him

Ships her with Jaune

Ren

Ruby

Tries to be sensitive with her, being the most aware of Ruby's mental condition

Was the most accomodating of her when she joined JNR, realizing she was PTSDing

His "Ruby is barely more than a kid" points that a part of him suspects her mental health was a time bomb

Yang

Finds her charismatic but is also somewhat envious of her self confidence

His feeling redundant due to knowing she is both physically stronger and a more skilled fighter doesn't help

Normally they get along wonderfully, as his being around Nora has made him appreciate her silly sense of humor

Jaune

Relies on him as a confidant whom he doesn't actively confide in, because Jaune is just that good at reading him

Innitially wanted to keep an emotional distance and found him somewhat annoying but over time grew to think of him as a friend as he kept pointing out stuff he prefered keeping bottled up

After a while of knowing him thought his having cheated into Beacon was fairly obvious but figured that until he proved detrimental to the team it was none of his business

Oscar

When he sees him afraid he sees himself and Nora

Thats why his being kidnapped affected him so much

Empathizes with his desire to grow stronger

Pyrrha

She tended to actively reach out to him always asking him how he was doing when he remained stoic

Pure Headcanon I know

Nora

Sense of responsability; he feels that he must be there for her which is why at times he distances himself from her

Occasionally feels he is not good enough for her due to her being physically stronger

Admires how she is upfront about confronting problems just like his father told him

Part of the reason he occasionally pushes her away is because he reasons (in a very Mistralian way) this is a more efficient way to keep themselves safe

Weiss

Innitially held (unvoiced) reservations of her for her attitude and social status but she has consistently surprised him in that regard (Pure headcanon)

He found himself feeling happy that she went after them in volume 5

Figured Jaune was setting himself for dissapointment with her; he will be the most surprised about her current thing for him

Blake

Likes the fact that he can have a more mature conversation with her

Occasionally finds himself thinking her rather dull compared to his teammates

Qrow

"Thats how a real Huntsman should be like"...then he started getting drunk

Nora

Ruby

Innitially felt threatened by having to include her in her team's dynamics but has come to appreciate her as a perky little sister

Yang

Friendly rivals; enjoys having someone to measure strenghts with

Seeing her without an arm affected her

Oscar

Has strong maternal feelings that she sometimes overdoes

Feels responsible for him due to her own mother having abandoned her

Jaune

She enjoys teasing him knowing that he'll get embarassed where Ren won't

However, she actually respects his leadership the most being the first one to follow his orders

Ren

Protecting and following him gives her a sense of purpose

Enjoys having a more mature partner to guide her through more complicated stuff

Understands he has to keep his space but sometimes wishes he'll tell her how he feels

Freudianly proyects her mom on him, having found him soon after she left her

Blake

Thinks of her as a confidant for the more complicated stuff she herself keeps bottled in

Usually she is more lighthearted about it

This is partly due to being simmilar but more open than Ren

Comming from a poor background herself, empathizes with her social views

Pyhrra

Often enjoyed getting a reaction out of her

Jaune

Pyrrha

Saw her as a role model he can only aspire to be like

Reminds him of Saph (as implied by his dream in the Ice Queendom)

Yang

Likes hanging out with her due to her encouraging personality and doesn't feel like lowering the cringe around her

Reminds him of his red sister (the maternal one)

Ruby

Feels he has a like minded soul on her; he feels the fact that she can trust him despite the the insecurities he hold is a reason to trust his own leadership

His dissapointment at her in vol 9 is a reflection of his own feeling of failure

Reminds him of his indigo sisters (the fun ones he follows around)

Ren

He can read through his moods better than most which has contributed to his bond with him

He is to Ren what Ren is to most of the crew

Reminds him of his light blue sister (the smart one)

Nora

Her presence and teasing always keeps him upbeat

Reminds him of his green sister (the tomboyish one)

Oscar

Feels like he owes it to himself to be there for Oscar like Pyhrra and his sisters were there for him

Reminds him of Adrian

Blake

Often embarassed by her poiting out things he misses (headcanon) but in a funny way

Reminds him of his purple sister (the practical one)

Weiss

Her acceptance of him as he matured has allowed him to better appreciate his own maturity

Unlike any of his sisters, their relationship wasn't unconditional and that has pushed him to mature

Qrow

Never quite forgave him for putting Pyrrha in the line of fire with the Maiden business

Note:

For the most part they've all come to dissociate Oscar from Ozpin

Weiss tries to project an image of strenght and control but occasionally lowers it with key people

Blake has some people pleaser habits from her days with Adam

Ren holds some traditionalist mistralian beliefs in regards to relationships as exemplified by his tendency to hold back his emotions

He is however more progressively minded in most fronts (such as the treatment of Faunus and foreigners), as the people in the mistralian settlements near Vale are more prone to be

www.reddit.com/r/RWBY/comments/16hea9k/my_take_on_what_the_main_cast_thinks_of_one/

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