#it's not my best i dont think im particularly made for longform fiction

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

what if we were two mentally ill kids in a society that has no words or tolerance for that. what if we killed someone and unavoidably our identities and relationship were built around that trauma. what if we spent the rest of our lives trying to grapple with what we did to each other, still without words for it. and what if we were both girls/boys/it’s complicated ashkdjhdgjhg

Words: 28735, Chapters: 8/8, Language: English

Fandoms: Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who & Related Fandoms

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Characters: Twelfth Doctor, Missy (Doctor Who), Theta Sigma, Koschei

Relationships: Twelfth Doctor & Missy, Theta Sigma & Koschei, Twelfth Doctor/Missy, Theta Sigma/Koschei

Additional Tags: The Vault (Doctor Who), Doctor Who: Academy Era, torvic - Freeform, Trauma, Dissociation, i think. or something like it, wibbly wobbly memories, Self-Harm, Hurt/Comfort, Bathing/Washing, Vomiting, only in the last chapter, Non-Linear Narrative, Flashbacks

alternatively, what if youre like 10 and you almost get drowned by a bully and get that memory warped so that instead of the victim you become the murderer. what if you did that for your best friend. i mean what if your best friend did that to you. did you die?

theres love, somewhere in your body. theres death, somewhere in your body. you are remade so many times by through because of love. you die so many times by through because of love. are you dead yet? were you ever alive?

you were remade before you were made. you are a person inside out. you are a body without a soul. your friend did this to you for what you did for them. have you decomposed yet? why have you not decomposed yet?

#the koschei is dead saga #i like the ending #natural conclusion to making her symbolically dead #im not killing her theres no love in that. besides shes already dead. i did something better #i will not finish the thasmissy fic before the arbitrary deadline i set for the 30th but thats okay bc i did finish this one #it's silly how much i devalued this fic in my head once i got going on the thasmissy fic #as if i didnt write them in conversation with each other #as if this isnt the longest fic ive published until i finish the thasmissy one #it's not my best i dont think im particularly made for longform fiction #but im still very happy of what i managed to say #about thoschei and what torvic's murder did to them #i think the actual story in this is chapter 1-6-8 #or maybe even just 1-8 #but i also think the space between them is important. like the more space between 1 and 8 the better #i just maybe could have used that space/time more effectively. put more punches in them? #i feel like now they maybe meander a bit although there are still moments in them that i use in ch1 & 8 #like most chapters Are i think in some way building to chapter 8 #but also i started out writing this as just vignettes of Stuff I Wanted To See #and i in the end didnt quite manage to spread out the loadbearing stuff evenly over the chapters #THAT BEING SAID. it was a good learning experience probably. not sure i learnt anything much about plot bc im messing up in the same way #with thasmissy. but even so. practice makes better #and im very happy with the point i eventually manage to make with this. even if it takes me a couple of self-indulgent chapters in themiddle #anyway #im gonna log off for a bit #feel free to send me stuff you want me to see if i miss it